Recap: Michael and Kimberly are enjoying some post coital afterglow...and when an exhausted looking Michael tells Kimberly how awesomely wild she is, she suggests they go at it again. Michael complains that his penis is worn out and that he'd prefer they talk, so Kimberly brings up the subject of him having sex with Sydney during their short-lived marriage. Michael insists that he only married her 'cause he was blackmailed into it and assures her that at no point did he ever fall in love with the wench, but Kimberly chides him for not standing up to his blackmailer...'cause if he had, the police would have eventually figured out that she was alive. Michael irritably tells her to stop laying these nonsensical guilt trips on him, then self-piteously tells her he greatly suffered when he got addicted to painkillers while recuperating from his injuries. When she reminds him that she was rotting away in a hospital bed waiting for him to visit her, he bellows that he's very very sorry she felt so abandoned during her long recovery and doesn't know how many more ways or times he can say it...and somehow refrains from reminding her that her idiot mother is the one she should blame, 'cause she was the one who told everyone she was dead. Kimberly smugly points out that "the art of conversation just doesn't suit us anymore", then gives him a smooch.
Alison tells Billy she's miffed at her sister Meredith for sending a note (with a return address in San Francisco) declining to attend their wedding. She acknowledges that there's a large age gap between them which precluded them from ever being very close, but can't help wondering exactly what it was that chased her so far away from Wisconsin. A few seconds later, Amanda stops by to haughtily return her bridesmaid dress, sourly says, "Give it to a friend...if you have any left", then angrily declares that she's keeping the beautiful piece of crystal she was planning to give her as a wedding gift. I find it interesting (and fairly odd) that Alison had actually invited Amanda to be in her wedding party.
Jo asks Jake what he plans to tell Amanda, then warns him about how manipulative she can be, and assumes that she'll work overtime persuading him to go back to her. Jake half-heartedly assures her that that won't happen, and that since she (Jo) hooked up with him first, their relationship never really quite ended.
Linda Gray storms over to D&D to admonish Amanda for firing Chas, so Amanda tells her that Chas hit on her in the conference room...then [rewrites history to suit her purposes and] claims that she made it clear to Chas that any hanky panky between them was out of the question. Linda Gray doesn't buy her version of events, insists that Chas loves her, and accuses Amanda of wanting revenge for the way she walked out on her when she was a child. She declares that she and Chas are now more committed than ever...and as she heads out, Amanda barks at her to leave and stay away for good this time. Linda Gray shoots her the stink-eye and bitchily promises that there's going to be hell to pay for firing her boy toy.
Jane is pitching her general approach to fashion design to a handsome department store clothing buyer named Chris Marchette, and he smittenly tells her she's the most beautiful designer he's ever met and invites her to dinner tomorrow night to discuss a potential partnership.
Alison is ferrying her parents from the airport to Melrose Place and telling them that Meredith has declined to attend the wedding. She wonders aloud exactly why Meredith seems to hate them so much, and Papa Parker evasively says it's prolly all the cult-inspired brainwashing and drugs that have turned her against her family, then abruptly changes the subject back to the wedding.
Bruce Teller summons Amanda to the conference room, where he and D&D's legal counsel of old white men have been sorting through the agency's latest crisis: the $10 million sexual harassment suit that Chas has filed against Amanda. Bruce chides Amanda for firing the indolent gigolo without his knowledge or consent, and she claims that the suit is an outrageous work of fiction and explains that Chas was the one who came onto her...and that because he's her mother's fiancé, she figured it would be best to quickly get rid of him by bitchily firing him in front of the D&D workforce. Bruce somehow refrains from pointing out that she never should have hired her mother's fiancé to begin with [because: shameless nepotism] and informs her that Chas alleges that he was subjected to "constant and relentless sexual insinuation, flirtations, provocations that made working at D&D Advertising an unbearable experience". The complaint goes on to allege that Amanda made it clear that his primary responsibility was to service her...and that when he refused, she terminated him. Amanda insists that that's a lie, and Bruce coldly says he'd love to believe her - but based on the serious charges Chas is making, the entire company is in some pretty deep shit.
As Mama and Papa Parker are getting settled into Alison's/Billy's apartment [instead of staying at a hotel like normal parents might], Amanda drops by to angrily inform Alison that Chas has filed a sexual harassment suit against her...and makes it clear that she doesn't give even the tiniest of rat's asses that Alison's parents are well within hearing range of her rant. Amanda declares that she's going to win this case, then vows to Alison that when it's over she's going down with Chas.
A sad looking Sydney has taken to streetwalking in an effort to earn the 5K to repay her debt to Kristian Alfonso. When she approaches a gaggle of hardened looking hookers, they admonish her for invading their turf and order her to relocate herself pronto. Sydney cheekily/stupidly tells them she has powerful friends who could wipe the pavement with their faces, and they respond by pulling out knives, knocking her to the sidewalk, and kicking and punching her.
Sydney is promptly rushed to the ER, where Kimberly happens to be one of the doctors on duty. Amid the gashes and bruises, she recognizes that the roughed up ho is Sydney and is all, "The hell?" She administers treatment and assures Sydney that she's going to be just fine, then promises that Michael is going to pay for what he's done to both of them.
The next morning, Amanda spots Jake helping Jo move baby stuff into her apartment. She storms up the stairs and bitchily reminds Jake that they're supposed to be in a relationship, then chides Jo for using her unborn spawn to try to reel Jake back in...and Jo's like, "Leave me out of it, this is between you and Jake." Jake concurs and yells at Amanda that he can't be with someone "who cheats on me every time I turn my back!", and Amanda derisively calls him a loser for always seeing everything as black or white.
Kimberly drops by Sydney's hospital room and tells her that physically she's going to be A-OK. Sydney explains that the asskicking happened while she was trying to hook her way out of debt, so Kimberly hands her a wad of cash and tells her to get off the streets and get her life together. Sydney scrunches her face in puzzlement and asks her why she's being so nice to her, so Kimberly tells her to meet her tonight at the Griffith Observatory, where all will be revealed.
Bruce tells Amanda that D&D has agreed to binding arbitration, then explains that it means a judge will listen to testimony and make a subsequent ruling. Amanda says she's all for any process that reveals Chas as the liar he is...and Bruce says he's keeping his fingers crossed that things work out that way, then urges her to come clean about any questionable/sleazy behavior she may have recently exhibited, 'cause apparently Chas is claiming he has an eyewitness whose testimony could be extremely damaging. Amanda plays dumb and says she doesn't have a clue who this witness could possibly be...then makes a beeline over to Alison's desk and says she just heard she's being called as Chas's star witness. Alison confirms that she just got the subpoena and says she's not looking forward to being forced to recollect the icky smoochfest she witnessed. Amanda sheepishly apologizes for her cunty 'tude the other day and says she'd be forever grateful if she were to tell the judge she didn't see anything, but Alison says she can't/won't perjure herself by lying under oath.
Over dinner, Chris wanks Jane about how talented she is and offers her a proposition: he'll supply the funding for her to create an exclusive clothing line for his department store. Jane squeals happily and says she'd be very interested in that kind of partnership - but first will have to convince her silent partner to sign off on the deal.
Billy is at Shooters with his college buddy Rob, who he's asked to be his best man. The two drink beer and talk about Billy's wonderment about being the first of the two of them to wed, then chuckle about whether or not Billy's ex, Donna, has any idea he's about to get married.
Sydney arrives at the Griffith Observatory to meet with Kimberly, who explains that when she was recuperating all those months from the car accident caused by Michael's drunken joyriding, all she could think about was getting revenge. She calls him a monster who needs to be contained, and then put out of his misery...and a stunned Sydney asks her if she's seriously suggesting murdering him. Kimberly calls her murderous intentions justice and asks Sydney if she too wouldn't like to see him dead after all the horrible things he's said and done to her this season. Sydney mulls that over for a few seconds and says that, as a matter of fact she would like to see him six feet under, and Kimberly happily declares that they're going to put their heads together and figure out a way to make that happen.
Jane drops by the beach house to tell Michael that a department store rep wants to buy a large stake in her design biz, and that she hopes he won't be a dick about giving his consent. When Michael grumbles that he doesn't trust her, she offers to have Chris Marchette explain it to him like he's five, and implores him to pleeeeeease not stand in the way of this once-in-a-lifetime growth opportunity. Kimberly calls her "a condescending bitch" and tells her to go home so they can look over the paperwork and then let her know what they decide. Jane angrily tells her to not talk to her like that, and Michael promises to seriously consider the deal. Kimberly announces that she's off to the hospital, then warns Jane to keep her hands off of Michael before smugly adding, "He's all mine now."
Bruce tells Amanda that D&D's insurance company has suggested they settle the Chas lawsuit for 500K, 'cause the brass is too wary about rolling the dice on the binding arbitration process. Amanda tells him she won't be bullied into signing a false admission of guilt, and Bruce is like 'fine' - but warns that if she loses the case, she'll be fired from D&D and blacklisted throughout the entire advertising industry. (Seems like dickish overkill, but OK.) Amanda sarcastically thanks him for his support.
Kimberly and Sydney are munching on ice cream and wandering through a park, discussing the various ways they could kill Michael. Kimberly suggests an ocean drowning, but Sydney points out that he's too strong a swimmer...then tells her he had a brief addiction to painkillers. Kimberly chews on that for a few seconds, then says she likes the idea of slipping him an overdose, and promises to flesh out a concrete plan.
Billy, Papa Parker, and the groomsmen are getting fitted for their wedding tuxedos. Billy tells Jake that during all the contentiousness following his doinking of Amanda, he asked Rob to be his best man, and Jake assures him it's fine and that he'll still be there for him as a buddy and groomsman. When Matt wanders over and suggests they all get something to eat, Billy declines 'cause he has to head back to the office, then asks Matt if he wouldn't mind showing Rob around. Matt says he'd be delighted to spend the afternoon with his college pal...who, incidentally, has been surreptitiously setting off his gaydar.
Kimberly tells Dr. Levin that Michael has been severely depressed since being stripped of his Chief Resident status, and that he's been abusing painkillers and alcohol and babbles on and on about taking his own life. As Dr. Levin contemplates why he should possibly give a shit about Michael's inner torment, Kimberly urges him to order Michael to undergo psychiatric treatment as a requirement to remaining employed at the hospital, and Dr. Levin's like 'what could possibly go wrong with forcing Michael into psychiatric care based solely on the recommendation of his revenge-obsessed girlfriend?'
Over lunch at Shooters, Rob tells Matt about his college adventures with Billy...blah blah...and eventually Matt comes right out and asks him if he's into guys. Rob tells him that, yep indeed, he's a gay man, and Matt grins approvingly and blushingly tells him he finds him rather attractive. Mmm hmm..
Alison frets to Billy about having to testify at the arbitration and is worried that Amanda will hate her forever and that stupid Chas will get a huge settlement out of it. She laments opening her big mouth in the first place (as well she should), but then puts part of the blame on Billy for drunkenly partially spilling the beans to Jake about it after his bachelor party.
Matt and Rob return to Melrose Place...and as the two bid each other goodnight, Matt advances on Rob in slo-mo before the camera abruptly cuts away ['cause I don't think '90s primetime shows were allowed to show two men kissing] to capture Billy's wha-a-a-a?? reaction as he glances out of his apartment window just in time to witness the same sex smooch.
While strolling in the marina, Jane tells Chris she's worried that Michael will spoil their business deal 'cause he has a penchant for always ruining the good things in her life. Chris stares at her all smitten-like and says, "Not everything, I hope" and leans in for a kiss.
A worn down looking Amanda trudges home and finds Jake waiting for her in the courtyard. He tells her he's been thinking about their toxic rollercoaster of a mostly sex-based relationship and has deduced that what they need is space - but a tearful Amanda argues that what she needs is for someone to believe in her. Jake stares at her concernedly, immediately rethinks his space suggestion and gives her a much needed hug.
Alison is having one of her creepy 'someone is chasing me when I was a small child' nightmares and wakes up screaming for help. Her parents and Billy rush into the room to see whassup...and her mom hugs her while Papa Parker breezily tells Billy it was just a bad dream and heads back to bed, while Billy continues to stare at her concernedly.
The next morning, Jake and Amanda canoodle in bed together, and Amanda purrs about how happy she is that they worked everything out, and that she really really wants to believe that he only likes Jo the way any guy would want to help a friend who's in a jam. She then tells him she'd like his support during the arbitration, and he promises to be there, then gives her a big smooch.
Billy runs into Matt in the courtyard and says he happened to see him and Rob kissing last night, then awkwardly stammers as he ponders whether or not Rob might have been engaging in some, shall he say, sexual experimentation after getting buzzed on the alcohol he drank at Shooters. Matt mulls that over for a few seconds and goes, "Nope, his tongue in my mouth didn't feel like an experiment" and says that Rob's sexual preferences are his own business, and that if he wants to get all in Rob's bidness about it, he should just ask him about it directly.
Arbitration! Chas testifies that he was surprised when Amanda gave him the job at D&D (given his sleazy aura and fake credentials that would have been easy enough to uncover), but figured she did it 'cause she wanted to get into Linda Gray's good graces. He goes on to claim that it soon became obvious that Amanda was interested in his bod 'cause she constantly brought up the topic of sex and seemed to relish the idea of "stealing" him away from her mother. He smarmily declares how much he loooooves Linda Gray and wanted nothing to do with Amanda's sex-fuelled aggression, and says with a straight face that their sexual encounters made him feel cheap. He then testifies that soon after Amanda forced him to nail her on the conference room floor, she fired him in front of everyone at D&D, a trauma that has stained his [non-existent] work record and negatively affected his relationship with his cherished sugar momma.
Amanda takes the witness stand and tells her side of the story, which is that..
The judge mulls all that over, then calls for a recess.
While lounging in bed post coitus, Michael tells Kimberly he's not going to sign off on Jane's business deal, but will show up for today's meeting about it for the joy of watching her squirm. Kimberly chuckles and offers to get him a beer before he heads off to the meeting, then goes into the kitchen and laces his beer with a strong sedative.
Back at the arbitration, Alison testifies that Amanda's amiable attitude towards Chas seemed to change after she witnessed them sucking face in the conference room. She adds that Chas had claimed they then had sex...and when Chas's lawyer asks her to speculate on how probable that is, Amanda's lawyer argues that that calls for some pretty wild speculation. The judge is like, "No duh" and says he's pretty much throwing out the window any semblance of "the normal rules of testifying" and directs Alison to answer...and Alison hesitates for a few seconds, but then says that, yep, she could totally see Chas and Amanda bumping uglies on D&D's conference room floor.
As Michael lays passed out on his bed, courtesy of the sedative Kimberly slipped into his beer, Sydney arrives and helps Kimberly transport him into the garage and then into the driver's seat of his car. Kimberly starts the engine and estimates that he'll "be done" in about three hours...and when Sydney remarks that leaving him to die this way is inhuman, a vexed Kimberly tells her to "put a sock in it" and reminds her that Michael is human garbage. She orders Sydney to head to Palm Springs and make sure that people see her there...while she will walk to the Malibu Cantina and "find" him dead when she returns with takeout food. She then shoves Sydney out of the garage, turns off the lights, and closes the door.
Jane gets impatient when Michael doesn't show up for their meeting and grumbles to Chris about how much her ex hates seeing her attain any amount of success...then decides that they should bring the meeting to him. When they arrive at the beach house, Jane is perplexed by the sound of a car running in the garage and goes inside and is all - ack! - at the toxic fumes. She and Chris drag Michael outside, and Jane administers mouth-to-mouth resuscitation until he finally regains consciousness. Michael looks startled to see Jane hovering over him and cheekily mutters, "That was one helluva kiss", and she slaps his hand away in disgust.
Wedding Day! As contractors construct a platform over the Melrose Place courtyard swimming pool, Amanda bursts out of her apartment to ask what the hell all the racket is at this early hour. Papa Parker tells her they're building some much needed space for his daughter's wedding ceremony, and Amanda bitchily informs him that she's the owner of the complex and that someone should have run this by her - just as Jo notices a shirtless Jake emerge from Amanda's apartment. Jake sheepishly rushes over to where Jo's standing and weakly tells her "it's not what it seems", then cancels that and admits that it's pretty much exactly what it seems - but Jo cuts him off and says she doesn't have time for his fickleness and goes back up to her apartment.
Alison apologizes to Amanda about her damaging testimony yesterday, and says she was merely trying to do what's right...and Amanda sourly points out that that always seems to end up being bad for her. She then gives the OK for the contractors to continue building the over-the-pool wedding platform, as long as someone cleans everything up afterwards. Amanda then turns her attention to Jake and smarmily asks him if Jo's having "a little trouble dealing with reality", and Jake breezily says she's doing fine, then lets himself be ushered back up to Amanda's apartment to finish "the job" he started for her this morning. Mmm hmm..
A haggard looking Michael mutters, "What a weird night" to Kimberly and how odd it was finding Jane standing over him after he "fell asleep" at the wheel inside the garage. Kimberly grumbles that she wishes Jane would get outa their lives (uh oh), then pretends to think long and hard about yesterday's events and tells Michael she recalls him taking a shower when she left the beach house for her walk to the cantina. She then gives him a hug and coos about how much she loooooves him and "never wants to be scared like that again".
Billy tells Rob that he saw him and Matt kissing last night, and Rob confirms that, yep, he's full on gay and has known this since college. Billy stares at him in stunned befuddlement, then asks if he was ever attracted to him, and Rob's like, "Hell no" and jokes (?) that he's only into mentally stable dudes.
Jo assures Jake they're still friends, but that they should forever leave it at that (hurray!) ... then heads over to Alison's apartment. She finds Alison decked out in her wedding gown with Jane doing some last minute primping and is all, "Awwww, you look stunning", and Alison tears up and says she's soooo overwhelmed (in a good way) about getting married, then calls Jo and Jane the best friends a person could have. After that, they do the whole 'something old, something new' thing that, by law, every wedding must include.
Michael thanks Jane for saving her life, then breaks the news that he's not signing onto the department store deal, 'cause he wants "their" design firm to remain small and stress-free. Jane shoots him a hateful stink-eye and regrets not letting him die of carbon monoxide poisoning, then loudly decrees that if he doesn't leave her or her business alone, she'll kill him...and the wedding attendees within hearing range are all, "So noted, Jane."
Sydney wanders into the courtyard, and is so aghast to see that Michael is still among the living that she shrieks in stunned shock. Kimberly rushes out to explain to Sydney that their first murder attempt didn't take, and that she'll have to come up with a Plan B.
Papa Parker tells Alison how beautiful she looks on her wedding day and how proud he is of her, then opens his arms wide and creepishly says, "Please tell me you'll always be daddy's little girl." OMG, how gross. As the two hug, Alison begins to tear up...so he murmurs, "Sshh, don't cry" - which triggers Alison into fully remembering all of the grotesque times he molested her in the basement of her childhood home. She abruptly pulls away, stares at him in shocked horror, and calls him a monster for the things he did to her as a child. Papa Parker scrunches his face in faux confusion and weakly says she's not making sense - but Alison continues staring at him in revulsion and cries, "Oh God! You did! You molested me!" As she heads for the door, Papa Parker grabs her, covers her mouth and angrily insists that it never happened...and that if she ever tells anyone it did, he'll kill her.
The wedding guests are getting slightly restless waiting for the bride to emerge...and eventually, Jane sneaks past Papa Parker into the apartment and is shocked when she finds Alison's gown laying atop the bed and the bedroom window wide open.
Amanda, meanwhile, says she has a meeting and can no longer wait around for this wedding to happen, and haughtily storms off. Jane rushes over to Billy to tell him that Alison is gone...and Billy races into the bedroom and finds a note from Alison assuring him 'it's not you', but that for reasons she won't get into right now, she can't bring herself to marry him.
Jake tells the perplexed wedding guests that the wedding is being postponed, and Kimberly uses the chaos of the moment to slip into Jane's apartment and steal her car keys.
Amanda arrives at Linda Gray's house and finds Chas lounging in the backyard, reading the paper. He snidely calls her "the loser of the week" ... and when Amanda asks him why he's trying to ruin her life, he openly admits that he's a cheap hustler who lives by his wits, and that Linda Gray's fine and all, but that he can't survive solely on "the crumbs" she's been throwing him. While that's happening, Linda Gray has arrived home with Teri Stevens in tow and is quietly eavesdropping on her boy toy's smug confession. Chas tells Amanda that he's ready to move onto someone his own age, and chortles about how clever he is to have succeeded in making Linda Gray believe that her own daughter lied to her...and that by the time she realizes the lawsuit was nothing but a bunch of phony bullcack, he'll be long gone with the cash. Amanda vows that she won't let that happen - but Chas points out that she no longer has any credibility with her mother, then dismissively declares both she and Linda Gray washed up.
That evening, Alison arrives at her sister's cute Victorian house in San Francisco...and when Meredith opens the door, the two hug hello in the doorway.
Jane calls the police to report her car and her car keys stolen, but seems weirdly optimistic that both will be returned to her very soon.
As Billy and Mama Parker try to figure out where in blazes Alison might have run off to, Papa Parker breezily says he has no doubt she's fine. An irked Billy reminds him that he was the last person to see Alison, so Papa Parker sourly retorts that when a bride skips out on her own wedding, it usually has something to do with the groom. Mama Parker tells them both to shut it and focus their energy on locating Alison, and Papa Parker promises to talk to the police and assures his wife that their daughter will be found soon.
Alison tells Meredith she finally realizes why she left home all those years ago and cut off all communication with their parents. She then explains that their creepy father said something today that triggered the memory of his basement abuse, and Meredith tears up and regrets running away and not helping her little sister escape what she had endured. The two hug and ponder whether or not their mother knows, then compare their traumatic experiences, which include a standing death threat from Papa Parker if they ever spill the beans on his abuse.
Back at the arbitration, the judge says he's reached a decision...which, by the sounds of it, is about to go in Chas's favor. Linda Gray interrupts to tell the judge she has some last minute relevant information to share, then testifies that yesterday she overheard Chas chuckling at Amanda about the phony lawsuit...which prompted her to research his marketing credentials, which - shocker - she quickly learned was a pack of lies. A miffed Chas is all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" and tells the judge his sugar momma is out of her mind - but the judge decrees that they're going to go through the accusations in the lawsuit, one step at a time (mercifully off camera) ... and across the room, Bruce Teller gives Amanda a supportive shoulder pat.
After the lawsuit is thrown out, Chas growls at Linda Gray for being "a crazy bitch" and pretends as though he had been planning to split the lawsuit money with her...and she responds by ordering to pack up his shit and get the hell out of her house. She then strides over to Amanda and apologizes for not believing her, and Amanda politely says she appreciates her coming forward and telling the truth about Chas, but that it's too late for them to have any kind of functioning mother-daughter relationship. Linda Gray accepts that, says she loves her, and that her door is always open if the Melrose Place producers are ever tempted to rehash their story arc.
Meredith tells Alison she can't hide out in her house forever and urges her to call Billy - but Alison doesn't want to do that until after they've confronted their father. Meredith looks horrified by the prospect and says she's too afraid to dredge up the past, and Alison says that since they have each other now, they no longer have to fear the man...and as they're hugging, the camera pans over to Meredith's front yard, where Papa Parker is standing and glaring at them menacingly through the window. Eeeeek!!
Michael is paged to the lobby of the hospital and is told that Jane called to leave a message that she's waiting to meet him at the coffee shop across the street, and that apparently it's a matter of life and death. Michael mutters, "Boy, this better be good", then exits the hospital and ambles onto the street, where he stands and stares mutely at the car that's barreling straight at him. The driver hits him, then squeals off...and an unresponsive Michael is rushed into the ER, where the doctor treating him solemnly warns, "We're losing him" as his heart is shocked with defibrillator paddles.
Jane is at her design studio when two cops arrive to arrest her for the hit and run murder attempt on Michael's life. When the cops explain that her car was used to perpetrate the evil deed, she tells them she reported it stolen...and one of the cops directs her to look out the window overlooking the street where her now damaged car is parked. She's all, "Wha-a-a?" and tells the cops that this is a horrible mistake - but they ignore her and start reading her her rights and handcuffing her...as she cries that she didn't doooooo anything, that they have the wrong person, and that someone is trying to set her up.
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