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"A helping of sloppy seconds sounds tasty."

"While Lauren's Away..."
Original airdate: 9/21/2008

Episode summary: Stephanie faces blowback when she accepts a dinner invitation from Doug. Audrina and Heidi renew their friendship while Lauren is out of town on a family vacation. 
Recap: Lauren is about to leave for a family trip to Italy...and is packing her suitcase as she chats with Audrina and Lo, who tell her they have plans to bond while she's away. The two then walk Lauren to her car, hug her goodbye, and stare after her car as she drives off.

After the opening credits, Stephanie stops by the house to report to Audrina that Doug asked her out to dinner...and is seeking her opinion on what she should do next. Audrina strongly advises her to wait until Lauren returns from her vacay so she can get the Queen Bee's official approval, to which Stephanie idiotically responds, "How would she find out?" Audrina somehow refrains from pointing at the MTV camera crew that's filming this conversation and reminding her that soon it's going to be on television for all to see and instead manages to keep a straight face as she says, "I dunno. Just be careful."

Over at Bolthouse, Heidi sits in Kimberly's cubicle and pretends to go over some work-related stuff with her about an upcoming skate park event. Heidi says she'd looooove to attend and bring Spencer along, explaining that they've gotten into a rut of never going out anymore. Kimberly says she really really enjoys going out, adding, "I'm not really into the whole 'staying in thing'. At all", which prompts a rueful chuckle out of Heidi. 

Over lunch at Fred Segal, Lo asks Audrina whassup with her and Justin, so Audrina tells her he kinda/sorta half-heartedly apologized for not showing up at the White Tie Affair concert - but was mostly just 'whatever' about the whole thing. She changes the subject and suggests they party at Goa tonight, then dishes about Doug asking Stephanie out to dinner. Lo stares back at her looking visibly discombobulated by that disturbing morsel, and Audrina primly pronounces that going out with your friend's ex is "the biggest no no", then wonders aloud, "Why would you want sloppy seconds?" 
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"Stephanie going out with Doug is the metaphorical equivalent of dining on sloppy seconds."

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"It's really more of a sloppy snack."

That evening at Goa, Audrina and Lo spot the [no doubt non-coincidental] arrival of Heidi and Spencer, who wander over to their table to say hey. Audrina greets Heidi with a hug and then the two reminisce about what great pals they were in Season 1, while Lo glances around the club looking less than thrilled at being in the presence of her absent BFF's archenemies. Audrina dishes to Heidi that Doug asked Stephanie out, and Heidi scrunches her face in a weirded out expression and squeals, "That's just psycho to me!" and explains that back in the day among the Conrad clan, Doug was known as Lauren's Doug. Heidi says she's of the strong opinion that Stephanie could/should date someone who's not so closely connected to Lauren, then tells Audrina that Bolthouse is throwing an X Games party tomorrow night and that she and Justin are invited. 

The next morning, Stephanie drops by Casa Pratt/Montag to needlessly tell Spencer that Doug asked her out to dinner, and he reacts by cackling about how freaked out Lauren's going to be when she finds out. He calls the contrived situation "a small twisted little world", then smugly asks his sister if she isn't concerned about Lauren clipping her from her Hills posse.

X Games party! Audrina arrives with Justin in tow and the two seat themselves next to Heidi and Spencer. Audrina once again brings up the topic du jour: Stephanie possibly dining out with Doug, adding that she thinks Stephanie is very mixed up. Heidi's like, "Praise Jesus!" that she's totally un-involved in this potential conflict with Lauren, then agrees with Audrina that it's nice to finally let bygones be bygones, and that hopefully the two of them will start hanging out again (sans Lauren's approval).

Stephanie arrives at Beso, where Doug is seated at a table for two. They hug hello and chat about how neither of them told Brody or Lauren about their clandestine dinner date...but leave out the fact that Stephanie let the cat out of the bag to Audrina, who's been blabbing about it all over town. Doug saucily asks Stephanie what she's doing after this, and she just stares back at him in coquettish muteness - just as Linda Thompson (aka Brody's mom) wanders over. Stephanie greets her with a warm hug as Doug introduces himself...and when Linda Thompson blurts out, "Are you two on a date?" then laughs at her own brashness, they chucklingly stammer a denial that they're on anything resembling a date. Once Linda Thompson is safely out of earshot, Stephanie tells Doug that Brody's mom catching them at a restaurant together is "not good". 
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"Are you two kids on a date?!"

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"We'll let our nervous chuckling be our answer."

The next day at Epic Records, Audrina updates Chiara (her friend and hapless sounding board) on the following..
  • She and Lo have been bonding while Lauren is on vacation
  • She ran into Heidi and Spencer at Goa and enjoyed a friendly chat with the twosome
  • Heidi subsequently invited her and Justin to an X Games party
  • Stephanie is risking her coveted Hills posse status by accepting Doug's dinner invitation

Chiara tut tuts that last thing, pointing out that there are plenty of guys [Lauren didn't cast aside due to complete disinterest] Stephanie can go out with. Audrina concurs and says it's craaaaazy that all of this is happening while Lauren is out of the country. 

And speaking of Lauren being out of the country...

Lauren returns home from Italy two days early 'cause she got tired of the randy Italian menfolk whistling at her everywhere she went. She asks, "What did I miss?", so Lauren and Lo fill her in about their eventful night at Goa. Lo demonstrates exactly how close she and Audrina were sitting to Heidi/Spencer and says it was very uncomfortable, while Audrina awkwardly reveals that, just a day later, she and Justin met up with Heidi and Spencer at an X Games party, nervously exclaiming, "Surprise!" As Lauren looks less than thrilled by that traitorous development, she asks what else they've been fixating on this episode, so Audrina drops the bomb that Stephanie dropped by the house, seeking advice on whether or not she should dine out with Doug. As Lauren scrunches her face perplexedly at that potential coupling, Lo shares her theory that Doug is trying to make her jealous, and then Audrina hastily adds that she strongly urged Stephanie not to "go there". 
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"This is a recreation of the way Audrina amiably chatted with Heidi while I dutifully snubbed her."

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"Your loyalty and Audrina's betrayal are duly noted."

Lauren and Brody arrive at the Loteria Grill to further discuss the audacity of Doug and Stephanie dining out together. Brody dickishly tells Lauren he couldn't wait to see her face as he smugly says, "I told you so", then shares that Doug referred to the date as a business dinner, and also recounts how his mom called him to gossip about running into Stephanie and Doug while they were eating at Beso. He asks Lauren if she's pissed off about any of this, and Lauren pretends she suddenly gives a rat's ass about who Doug dines out with and flatly says she is. Brody natters on about how Stephanie went behind her back to hang with Doug...and when Lauren asks him if he thinks Doug did anything wrong, he just shrugs and minsogynstically retorts, "Guys will be guys - but Stephanie is supposed to be one of your best friends." He adds that he doesn't want to see her get hurt, and is therefore sticking to his long-standing opinion that Stephanie is one shady twit.
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"I simply can't fathom the notion of supporting a friend."

"You Always Miss a Best Friend"
Original airdate: 9/14/2008

Episode summary: Holly reconnects with Lauren, much to Heidi's dismay. Audrina is disappointed when Justin bails on being her plus one at a concert.
Recap: Holly tells Heidi that she really wants to go out tonight, adding that the only people she knows in L.A. are her and Lauren. When an eavesdropping Spencer sarcastically suggests she should go hang with Lauren, Heidi says it'd be hugely problematic if she did do that - but then concedes that she can't dictate who she spends time with. Spencer blurts out that he has zero problem dictating with whom this grown woman can socialize, and pompously decrees, "While you're living under this roof, there's no Lauren" ... and Holly rolls her eyes in response and announces that, yep, she's definitely going to call Lauren. LOL.

Over at People's Revolution, Lauren tells Whitney that the tension with Audrina has been magically resolved - just as she gets a text from Holly, asking if she wants to get together. Lauren tells Whitney she'd loooove to see her old friend - but is reluctant to re-instigate the kind of fan-hitting shit that Spencer and Heidi just put Stephanie through.

At Epic Records, Audrina is summoned to the cubicle of her colleague Kristin, who informs her that they've been "assigned" the "task" of attending a performance by an up and coming band, The White Tie Affair, at the Roosevelt Hotel tomorrow night. She emphasizes that it's a really big deal...and that since Charlie Walker (the president of Epic Records) will be there, the event needs to run smoothly. Audrina smilingly promises she'll have everything under control. 

While lunching in an outdoor restaurant, Holly gives Lauren an update on her current living situation: she somehow has no better housing option than to live in a tiny apartment with Heidi and Spencer, and that conditions can best be described as crowded. Lauren scrunches her face in distaste at the notion of voluntarily bunking with that twosome, then makes it clear to Holly that while she's totes down with reviving their friendship, she doesn't want to be a source of conflict between her and Heidi/Spencer. Holly chews on that for a few seconds, then dishes about how Heidi clearly feels regretful about how horribly wrong things went down between them in at the beginning of Season 3, then reminisces about how much fun the three of them used to have in the old, pre-Hills days. Lauren stares vacantly into space and mutters, "Mmm, yeah..", then invites Holly to call her anytime she's interested in hanging out. 
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"I'm squatting with Heidi and Spencer."

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"I'll let this expression be my reaction to that living situation."

Over dinner at Amalfi Ristorante, Audrina tells Justin that the general mood at the house is much improved, and that she and her roommates are committed to no longer being so bitchy to each other. She then tells him about The White Tie Affair event and says she'd really really like it if he came as her plus one - but he looks visibly disinterested in demonstrating that kind of support and half-heartedly mumbles that he'll do his best to muster the will to put in an appearance...which I can only translate to mean that no way in hell is Mr. Mercurial planning on showing up.  

At the house, Lauren promises Audrina that she, Lo, and Stephanie will definitely be at The White Tie Affair performance and after-party. When Audrina says she's [deludedly] expecting Justin to show up, Lauren gaily cheers, "Yay!", then tells her about her lunch date with Holly. She adds that while Holly is living with Heidi and Spencer, she can only assume/faintly hope that her presence in the apartment is having a positive effect on Heidi.

At the Roosevelt, The White Tie Affair prepares for their performance, while Audrina and Kristin survey the audience and decide it's a decent enough crowd. Charlie Walk gathers everyone together and happily tells the band members that his staff assembled a very favorable group of music aficionados, and then everyone toasts the night ahead with shots all around. Once the band hit the stage and starts performing, Kristin and Audrina join the audience and bop to the beat. A few seconds later, Lauren ambles in with Stephanie and Lo in tow...and Audrina happily greets them, then disappointedly says that Justin hasn't yet made an appearance. 

When Heidi returns home, Holly tells her she's been out and about, looking for pretend jobs, and meeting up with Lauren for lunch. Heidi shoots her a 'the hell?' look at that last thing and poutishly accuses her of going behind her back - but Holly assures her that 1) her loyalties will always lie with her, 2) it's obvious that Lauren misses her, and 3) nothing is beyond repair [even though the Lauren/Heidi friendship is very very far beyond repair]. 

Over at the Roosevelt after-party, Stephanie gabs with Sean (the band's guitarist) and loudly squeals when he shows her his pierced nipples. Across the room, Lo asks Audrina if she's expecting Justin to put in an appearance... and when Audrina says she has no idea what Sloppy Pants is doing tonight, Lauren glances at Lo in dismay before disdainfully murmuring, "Way to be a buzzkill."
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"What's Justin doing tonight?"

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"Not adhering to the Hills filming schedule, evidently."

The next day at Epic Records, Audrina dishes to Chiara about how well The White Tie Affair concert/after-party went, and that she was thrilled to meet Charlie Walk. She adds that she invited a few friends to attend the event - but naturally Justin didn't show, or even have the decency to call her and tell her he was bailing. She complains about how she "gives and gives" - but that her efforts are never reciprocated by him...and that despite their chemistry, he always seems to fall back into the annoying pattern of behaving as though he couldn't give even the tiniest rat's ass about her. 

In a segment that weaves together Lauren's conversation with Stephanie and Heidi's conversation with Kimberly to make it look like they're talking simultaneously.. 
  • Lauren discusses meeting up with Holly, and admits she's fairly skittish about socializing with her too much 'cause of the Spencer-associated blowback Holly might face. Stephanie calls it scary that Holly lives with Spencer and Heidi, particularly 'cause there's a strong possibility they're going to ice her out the same way they did to her (meaning Stephanie).
  • Heidi tells Kimberly that Holly has been hanging out with Lauren, and that it makes her sad 'cause of the nasty way their formerly awesome friendship imploded. She says it's so unfortunate that things ended because of how much Lauren haaaaated her boyfriend, not to mention all of the horrible things she (Heidi) said out of anger that she now regrets. She then shrugs and voices her hope that, "Maybe Holly will, like, peace everything out."
  • Lauren tells Stephanie she remembers how much fun she, Heidi, and Holly used to have in the old days - but, that said, she doesn't want Heidi to get any ideas that Holly can fix (or peace out) the irreparable damage that destroyed their friendship. 
  • Heidi tells Kimberly that perhaps a miracle will happen and that one day, in the not-so-distant future, she and Lauren can be friends again.
  • Lauren says that seeing Holly made think about Heidi, sadly admitting, "You always miss a best friend" as Stephanie stares back at her with a look of intrigued concern.
  • Heidi murmurs, "Who knows...maybe one day" while Kimberly stares back at her with a look of incurious apathy.
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"Lady who..?"

"Something Has to Change"
Original airdate: 9/7/2008

Episode summary: Holly is hurt when Spencer urges her to move out of his/Heidi's apartment. Lauren and Audrina agree to let bygones be bygones and start anew with their friendship. Lady Gaga makes a cameo.
Recap: In a desperate search for whatever Las Vegas jail Brody and Doug might be languishing in, Lauren, Lo, and Stephanie are poring through the Yellow Pages...and a few seconds later, Brody and Doug enter their suite, giggling about their eventful night. When the gals are all, "Wha-a-at happened?!", the bros recap provide a recap: while walking through the casino last night, some drunk, obnoxious guy invited them to party with him and his coterie of skanks...and when they declined, he got all in Doug's face and punched him in the chest. Following that, Brody and Doug decided 'why not spend the next five hours in Casino Jail, filing a report with the Casino Police?' ... and when the incredulous looking gals ask if a chest punch was worth all that time and energy, they insist it totally was. 

In the next scene, the gang is all packed, checked out of the Venetian, and ready to jet back to L.A. Audrina pulls Lauren aside and tells her they need to talk, and Lauren agrees [and promises to make time for a tear-stained tête-à-tête before the end credits roll]. 

Holly is sitting on the couch, giving herself a pedicure, when Spencer returns home. He mockingly remarks, "Oh, what a surprise - look who's in my office" and Holly giggles in response and claims (with a straight face) that she's been very busy looking for jobs and an apartment of her own. When Spencer asks if she did all that from the couch, she confusedly replies, "Uh, yeah..?" - LOL - then changes the subject to whassup with him and Heidi. He tells her that things with Heidi are great, and that she looooves having her big sister in town - but that she's too polite to tell her she'd love her a whole lot more if she were living down the hall. Holly registers surprise at that and asks him if Heidi wants her to move out, and Spencer comes right out and says, "Heidi and I want you to move out, straight up." Holly chews on that troubling revelation for several seconds, then snaps, "Fine!" as she grabs her purse and storms out of the apartment. 
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"This couch is the comfiest, most productive home office I've ever used."

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"You need to move out immediately."

Over at People's Revolution, Lauren tells Whitney she hasn't yet cleared the air with Audrina, and a mildly interested Whitney's all, "Oh my gosh.." as she hands Lauren a pair of jeans that need special styling to look vintage-y.

Over dinner at Jian, Justin complains to Audrina about how things in Vegas were awkward as fuck. He irritably decrees that if people bring cattiness and discomfort to her life, she needs to "kick them the fuck out", then tells her if she needs a place to stay while figuring everything out, she's "totally welcome to whatever". Audrina refrains from pointing out that she can't just kick Lauren et. al. the fuck out, on account of she's contractually obligated by MTV to film scenes with them (and the cattier the better for viewership), then says that she and Lauren really really need to talk. She's hopeful that their friendship is worth salvaging - but Justin says he's on record as remaining skeptical and doesn't want to see her get hurt. 

Kelly Cutrone gathers together all of her People's Revolution minions to update them about a yuge upcoming event that will be held at Area in conjunction with Interscope Records. She says they're featuring "some girl named Lady Gaga" and tells Whitney she wants her to take the lead in styling her leather/rubber outfit.

Heidi returns home and makes a point of glancing around the apartment before asking Spencer where Holly is. When he says he hasn't seen her for awhile, Heidi tells him she pulled a no-show on plans they'd made earlier and is worried about where she might have stumbled off to. She asks Spencer if he said anything rude to her...so he admits that, yeah, he might have come right out and told her they'd looooove it if she moved out of the apartment, like yesterday. An irritated Heidi rhetorically asks, "Do you just not think of anyone but yourself?" before grumbly retreating to the bedroom. 

Lauren and Lo discuss how little they saw of Audrina during the previous episode's Vegas trip, and Lo decrees that something is going to have to change in order to relieve all of this tension. Lauren concurs, but says she really haaaaates the idea of losing another friend. 

Lady Gaga (!) goes backstage at the Area event to get help with a broken zipper, and Whitney and Lauren are immediately on the case and manage to fix it quickly. Lady Gaga gives them a thank you hug, then heads out to take the stage...and we get a fun snippet of her amaaaaazing performance of (I think) Love Game. And while bopping to the beat, Lauren continues to look stressed about the yet unresolved Audrina Situation. 
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"I really hope this Hills cameo isn't the high point of my music career."

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"In the event that this cameo isn't the high point of her music career, we really can't mess up this zipper repair."

Holly finally returns home, and Heidi chides her for not responding to her many messages...so Holly explains that she was sooooo bummed out after Spencer dickishly told her that the two of them didn't want her living at the apartment anymore. Heidi tells her she should have come to her to so they could have discussed it in person, then apologizes on behalf of Spencer for his shitty boorishness. When Holly asks her if there's any truth to what he said, Heidi tells her that, yeah, this [faux] living situation has been a strain on her relationship - but that she's basically OK with it 'cause the two of them share the sacred bond of sisterhood.

Audrina heads over to the main house so that she and Lauren can finally clear the air. Lauren dives in and rails about how hurtful it is to try sooooo hard to be friends with someone who doesn't seem to give even the tiniest rat's ass about the friendship. She further points out that she's always inviting her to stuff, an effort that goes unreciprocated...so Audrina glumly retorts, "You don't like to do anything I do." Lauren argues that she always does her best to suck it up for her sake, and that she awkwardly bobs her head "at the weird shows" she'd rather not be at. She earnestly insists that she's trying so hard 'cause she's very committed to hanging out with her friends...then says the worst part out of all of this is that she's dangerously close to losing another best friend. As the two tear up (and Lauren's eye makeup begins streaming down her face), Audrina mumbles, "The whole situation just sucks" ... and, blah blah, the two go back and forth about how much they and the other is trying/not trying to maintain the friendship. Audrina suggests they stop dwelling on the past and just wipe the slate clean, and Lauren happily rejoins, "That's all I want!" Audrina mumbles something about how everyone doesn't want them to be friends, but then brushes that sentiment aside and says, "OK, let's just do it!" and the two share a happy reconciliation hug.
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"I was told that this mascara is waterproof."

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"I can loan you some of mine."

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"Brody and Doug have been captured by the Gestapo and are now languishing in one of the world's toughest prisons."

"Boys Make Girls Cry"
Original airdate: 9/6/2008

Episode summary: The posse jets to Las Vegas to celebrate Frankie's birthday and discuss the tension brewing between Lauren and Audrina. Spencer complains to Heidi about how much he hates sharing their apartment with Holly.
Recap: The Hills gang boards Doug's private jet to fly to Las Vegas to celebrate Frankie's birthday. They toast the happy occasion with champagne and chat about how Audrina and Justin plan to meet them there...and that the two not accompanying them on this jet is a looooong story (which - spoiler - can also be shortened to a five second explanation about how Audrina was recently bitchy to Lauren at a nightclub). As that juicy tidbit hangs out there, Brody raises his glass for Stephanie, says he won't hold a grudge for her past misdeeds and makes a wisecrack about how having her on this trip is "almost as good as having Spencer here" ... and Stephanie reacts by scrunching her face in puzzlement while Doug winces.

The gang arrives at the swanky Venetian hotel...and the gals head up to their suite and pontificate about who Lauren is most likely to make out with tonight (Lo guesses Brody, Stephanie guesses Doug). Lauren makes it clear that she's not interested in locking lips with either of the nitwits and dismissively reminds them, "Because I've kind of been there, done that." When Lo invokes the awkward exchange that occurred between Brody and Stephanie on the jet, Lauren agrees that it was inappropriate, while Stephanie says she's very upset that Brody told Lauren on the down-low not to trust her. Lauren just kind of shrugs and breezily says that all she can do is prove herself to be a trustworthy person...and Stephanie frowns at that unlikeliness of that outcome.

Heidi returns home, where Spencer is playing one of his '80s style video games in lieu of working for a living (or even bothering to pretend to work for a living), and announces that her sister Holly is moving to Los Angeles. Spencer looks alarmed before growling, "No she's not..", so Heidi points out that he has no control over whether or not Holly decides to move to California, then breaks the unsurprising news that she told her sister she could move in with them. Spencer makes it clear how much he haaaates the idea 'cause of how terrible Holly's last visit was, then attempts to complain about how she brought tampons into his household - but Heidi refrains from going down that menstruation rabbit hole with him and insists that her sister is moving in with them and that's that. Spencer counters, "This is the quickest way to get me to move out" [and says this as though it's somehow a disincentive] and that he haaaates what Holly's presence is going to do to their relationship. He then resumes playing with his video game machine, while Heidi retreats to the bedroom. 
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"Last time she was here, I had to look at her tampon supply in the bathroom."

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"Those are mine, idiot."

Back in Vegas, the gals join the guys in their luxury hotel suite. Brody asks Lauren whaddup with the latest tension that's been brewing between her and Audrina, so Lauren recounts the story of when she, Lo, and some other pals went to Goa (when the Hills cameras weren't rolling, incomprehensibly) and ran into Audrina and her pals. When Audrina didn't acknowledge their presence, Lauren says she waved her arms madly in an attempt to get Audrina's attention in order to say hey, and Audrina reacted with a curt wave. Ouch. When Lauren then asked if they could talk privately, Audrina declined by snootily replying, "I'm here with my friends." Ouch again. Brody shakes his head in disgust and suggests kicking her outa the house asap - but Lauren isn't sure if she wants to do something that would completely sever the friendship, mostly 'cause she hates the idea of losing yet another friend. An unsympathetic Brody barks, "Get her outa the house and be on with it!" 

​After a fourteen hour drive from Colorado, Holly arrives at Casa Icktard, where Heidi hugs her hello and welcomes her to her new home. Spencer politely greets her, then reminds Heidi about their dinner plans...and Holly's all, "Wuh?", but then urges them to go out and assures them she'll be fine, alone in their place, after her long journey. Heidi emphasizes to her sister that she can stay as long as she wants, and Spencer reacts by shooting her the stink-eye before the two head off to dinner.

While settling into their Vegas hotel suite, Audrina warns Justin that it's going to be a weird night. As he stares back at her with an expression of dazed disinterest, she gives him a recap of the Goa story - but in her version, she was merely trying to finish a conversation with her friend while Lauren kept annoyingly trying to interrupt. As Justin makes a half-hearted effort to wrap his brain around the state of this fractured friendship, Audrina acknowledges that her snappishness likely hurt Lauren's feelings, then suggests that just 'cause they've been growing apart it doesn't mean they can't be friends - but a skeptical Justin shakes his head and says he highly doubts that that's going to happen.
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"I'm willing to listen to a five second summary of the Goa drama."

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"My bitchiness upset Lauren. The end."

Birthday dinner! The Hills gang toasts Frankie's twenty-seven years on the planet...and when Frankie asks why Audrina is MIA on his special day, Brody grumbles about how sick he is of talking about her. Stephanie chooses that moment to come right out and ask Brody why he told Lauren not to trust her, so he points out that Spencer (aka Lauren's archenemy) is her brother. Stephanie's all, "Well d'yuh" and says he refuses to speak to her because of her friendship with Lauren, then chides Brody for shit-talking her to Lauren. Brody clarifies that he warned Lauren about how trustworthy she is, on top of how fuckin' crazy she acts...and she shrieks, "What?!" and reminds him that her craziness was mostly due to her past drug use - but he digs in about her (past but also current) tendency to act like a "complete psycho". Doug interjects to ask Brody why in blazes he's opening this can of whoopass at Frankie's birthday dinner, and Brody somehow refrains from pointing at the MTV camera crew that's capturing all of this delightful trash-talking and mutters something unintelligible before glaring at Stephanie and bellowing, "It's like, leave." An incredulous Stephanie stares back at him as he explains that he cares about Lauren and has urged her to be wary of her nutty-cookoo-ness, which prompts Stephanie to tear up and require Lauren's assistance to escort her up to their suite. Once they're out of earshot, Doug looks dismayingly at Brody and asks, "Making girls cry now, dude?" and Brody grumbles about the "fun dinner" he just took an active part in ruining.

Up in the hotel suite, Stephanie whimpers that she doesn't get why boys make girls cry, specifically Brody saying mean things to her. Lauren reminds her that she went down a bad path, but then applauds her for getting help and becoming all the stronger for it...then implores her to stop crying (so that she doesn't cry in solidarity and mess up her eye makeup). She proposes they rejoin the posse with the promise that if Brody reduces her to tears a second time, she'll leave with her and call it a night. Stephanie agrees, and the two totter towards the door in their black stilettos. 

After Audrina and Justin arrive at the LAX nightclub, Brody and Justin exchange their thoughts about the tension between Lauren and Audrina and agree that neither of them could give much of a shit. Audrina, meanwhile, tells Frankie that the tension with Lauren is getting so bad that she wants to hash things out with her - but not in a dark nightclub. A few seconds later, Lauren and Stephanie enter LAX...and Frankie tells Lauren he doesn't want anyone beefing on his birthday and hopes that she and Audrina will resolve their issues at a time and place that's nowhere near him. Across the club, Justin points out to Audrina that, since they've fulfilled their Hills filming obligations for the night, they're free to leave, and she agrees that all of this contrived tension is very draining. Justin then bids Frankie goodnight and apologetically says it's not a good night for the warring gals. 

The next morning, Spencer pulls up to the Bolthouse alley, phones Heidi in her pretend office and is all, "Yo yo, we have some things to discuss." Heidi dutifully says she'll be right down...and in the next scene she climbs into the passenger seat of his BMW and irritably asks what could possibly be so important that he felt the need to interrupt her while she's faux working. He whines about Holly being "basically pyjama-ed out" as she lazes around the apartment and accidentally erases his TiVo shows. Heidi stares back at him in utter incredulity and says, "You did not just call me down here because of the TiVo" ... and he's like, "Uh, did" and continues to complain that Holly and her tampons are getting way too cozy in their apartment. Heidi assures him that Holly's stay is temporary, makes him promise that he's not going to say anything nasty to her, then suggests he maybe consider getting outa the house more so that his life doesn't revolve so much around whatever programming got erased from the TiVo.
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"Have you ever considered doing something with your aimless life?"

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"If by aimless you mean finding a way to re-record the shows that got erased from the TiVo, then yes."

Over in Vegas, Frankie drops by the gals' suite looking as stressed and bedraggled as he can muster. He solemnly breaks the news that he just got a text message from Brody, informing him that both he and Doug (who got a well deserved punch) are both in jail...and the gals are like, "Ooooh noooo!" as they stare back at him in stunned horror. 
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"Nope, no chemistry here."

"Better Off As Friends"
Original airdate: 8/31/2008

Episode summary: Whitney travels to New York for work and meets a boring male model named Alex. Lauren decides that Doug isn't the one and gives him the heave-ho.
Recap: At People's Revolution, Whitney tells Lauren that tomorrow she's jetting off to New York to meet with Kelly and has no idea how long she's going to be there...and Lauren advises her to pack a lot of black things to wear, given how rabid Kelly is about her underlings never being allowed to wear color. Whitney changes the subject to Doug and asks if there's anything juicy going on there, and Lauren makes it clear that there are definitely no juicy details to share. When Whitney remarks on how less than enthusiastic she seems about the coupling, Lauren makes a yeech face and says she distinctly remembers liking Doug a whole lot more when they were younger. She adds that the last guy she was romantically into was Brody [though not really], and Whitney urges her to give Doug the Dullard the heave-ho asap.

The next day at FIDM, Stephanie tells Lauren that Spencer threatened to disown her for inviting her (Lauren) and her pals to her birthday party. Lauren clucks sympathetically about how she's caught in the middle... and when Stephanie says she was worried that the party may have cost her their friendship, Lauren assures her that she's so impressed with the effort she's making to get along with everyone that she still wants them to hang together.

Whitney arrives at People's Revolution in New York and meets with a frazzled Kelly, who tells her she's desperately needed to help with styling at a casting...and further explains that the casting is filled to the gills with shirtless male models. When the two make their way upstairs, Whitney immediately gets busy pulling outfits for the men to wear as they strut their stuff in hopes of booking a fashion show job. Kelly motions at one of the [more vacant-eyed] models, Alex, who says he's from Fresno and attended USC. Whitney replies that she too went to USC...and the two chitchat while she takes his Polaroid. Kelly swiftly interjects to order Alex to join them in the hotel bar that evening - 8:45pm sharp! - for drinks. As Whitney visibly blushes at her boss's not so subtle attempt to set them up, Kelly sticks out her tongue while brusquely explaining, "This is called multi-tasking in the power bitch world."
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"Clean up nice and report to the hotel bar at 8:45pm sharp."

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"Yes ma'am."

Over drinks at Cut, Spencer complains to Heidi that they haven't had enough alone time lately, then cattily says he regrets not throwing Stephanie's birthday cake in Lauren's face...and Heidi half-heartedly tells him to stop, then urges him to make nice with his sister. Spencer refuses and snappishly eggs Heidi on to start hanging out with Stephanie and Lauren - but warns that if she goes that route, she won't be able to come home to him. With that said, he checks his watch and decrees, "Time to get in bed and cuddle, my dear", which...ew-yuck.

Lauren meets up with Brody at Sushi Roku, where she shows off the many friendship bracelets she's wearing, one of which she received from Stephanie. Brody makes a snorting noise at the mention of Stephanie's name and insists she has ulterior motives, warns that he knows things about the wack-a-doodle that would shock her, and is eagerly anticipating the day when he can say 'I told you so'. The conversation then drift to Doug...and when Lauren says she's planning on ending that sooner rather than later, Brody shrugs and agrees that he didn't see it going very far. Lauren says she doesn't want to settle and that her type is a guy she's already dated, to which Brody bellows, "Haha!" and nonsensically asks if she's suggesting they get naked. Lauren refrains from reminding him that she's never ever felt even the slightest wisp of romantic affection for him and grinningly mumbles, "I hate you right now" while Brody continues to cackle with delight.

Whitney meets up with Alex in the bar of the Soho Grand Hotel, then gets a call from Kelly, who tells her she and Alex are on their own for the evening. Alex looks visibly pleased by that development, and the two engage in some boring chit-chat about universities and life in New York before they decide to get up and take a walk around the neighborhood, mercifully off camera.

Lauren drops by Stephanie's apartment to share with a third person her lack of interest in continuing to date Doug, and Stephanie looks surprised and oddly intrigued by the revelation and is all, "Are you kidding? Shut up!" She then tells Lauren that since she has the apartment to herself again (now that Spencer has pretended to move out), she wants to host "some kickbacks here, high school style". She adds that she tries to ease her loneliness whenever she's home alone by talking to her pet, which is either a hamster or guinea pig - she's not sure which (?).
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"My budding romance with Doug is kaputsville."

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"I shall file that interesting tidbit away for a future episode."

At the end of the Soho stroll, Whitney tells Alex she has a strong connection to Los Angeles 'cause it's where her friends and family live - but Alex points out that she can make new friends, and that surely she'd looooove the diversity and fashion culture of the Big Apple. The two then return to the front of the Grand Soho and hug goodnight...and, nope, there's definitely no chemistry happening there. 

Back in L.A., Whitney tells Lauren about Kelly trying to set her up with Alex, remarking that the evening "wasn't awful" [ouch, Alex] and that they ended up wandering around Soho together. Lauren, meanwhile, admits that she's been avoiding Doug - but is determined to give him the dumperoo later today 'cause she has no intention of settling for a guy who isn't the one. 

Stephanie lets herself into Spencer's/Heidi's apartment bearing a gift...and Spencer looks pleased when he sees that the gift is a book on the secret history of the CIA. Stephanie asks him how Heidi's doing and says she'd like the three of them to hang out sometime - but Spencer makes it clear that if she insists on staying friends with Lauren, she's not welcome in their orbit. 

Lauren psychs herself up for Operation Kick Doug to the Curb as she pulls into his driveway. When he says he's been trying to reach her, she apologizes for seeming cold, then says this thing of theirs..."it's just not there". Doug looks surprised by the declaration, then defensively points out that he's only ever been respectful and nice to her...to the point that he's always treated her like a princess. Lauren replies, "You've been way too nice" ... and he just stares discombobulatedly into space, mumbling that this unforeseen breakup has hit him like a ton of bricks. 
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"I've always regarded you as a princess."

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"And I think of you as one of many frogs I'll have to kiss before finding my prince."

Doug tells Lauren she's different than any girl he's ever met, but agrees that it's A-OK with him if she thinks they're better off as friends...as long as he can still squeeze out some Hills airtime as a coveted posse member. As he walks her to the door, she apologizes again for so hastily squashing their bland coupling - but he assures her he's fine with it...and that, all in all, it was a pretty humane dumping. ​
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"Was it something we said?"

"Drama Follows Them"
Original airdate: 8/24/2008

Episode summary: Stephanie is dismayed when Spencer and Heidi make an appearance at her birthday party...and proceed to chase away most of her guests. Whitney is promoted at People's Revolution.
Recap: During class at FIDM, Stephanie tells Lauren she's having a birthday party at Boulevard 3, and Lauren says she'd looooove to come and bring her current beau (a baseball player named Doug). Stephanie says she's not sure if Spencer and Heidi plan to attend 'cause she hasn't talked to them in weeks, and adds that she really just wants to have a fun night - but that it's hard when her brother and his ball chain are around with all the drama that follows them. Lauren makes a yeech face as she hastens to point out, "I don't know if it follows as much as they chase it."

While dining at the Creperie, Doug compliments Lauren on her pretty white dress, then asks her how things are going with Audrina and Lo...and she tells him that the two had a chat, but that the situation is still a disaster. Doug remarks on how hectic her life seems and suggests they go out somewhere - but she declines and tells him she has to go to work. When he tries to egg her on to blow off work in favor of the two of them doing something fun, she looks irked before smilingly replying, "My work is fun." She invites him to be her plus one at Stephanie's birthday party...and further explains that Stephanie has a jerk of a brother, but hopefully he won't make an appearance [and says this as though the Hills producers would really squander the opportunity to film her and Spencer in a room together and capture the inevitable hostile awkwardness in all of its drama-fuelled glory].

Over at Epic Records, Audrina tells Chiara she's planning on going to Stephanie's birthday party, as are Lauren and Lo. She says that Lo came to her place during the previous episode to apologize for blowing off much of her barbecue party - but then bitchily explained that she did so 'cause her weird tattooed friends were rude to her. Chiara is appalled by the non-apology/insult to Audrina's friends, then assures Audrina she's firmly on her side, and jokingly calls the conflict "the dark hairs versus the light hairs". 

At People's Revolution, Whitney tells Lauren that Kelly and the other bosses are all descending upon L.A. this episode to check on how things are going...and that she's kinda nervous 'cause she's been invited to attend their dinner meeting. Lauren changes the subject to Stephanie's birthday party...and when Whitney asks her if Spencer and Heidi are planning on showing up, Lauren tells her that Stephanie has assured her they're definitely not coming. (So yes.) 

While dining at Don Antonio's, Spencer gets a text from Stephanie, asking if he and Heidi are planning to attend her party. Spencer grumbles to Heidi that he has zero interest in doing that 'cause "she's best friends with the girl I despise more than anything on the earth". Heidi dutifully concurs and says they've been nothing but nice to Stephanie, who suddenly decided she wants to hang with Lauren, and dismayingly calls the friendship "so disrespectful". With that said, Heidi reminds Spencer that Stephanie is his sister, and that for the sake of the Pratt clan [as well on the orders of the Hills producers], they should at least make an appearance and be cordial, then faux decrees that it'll be the last time they ever see Stephanie. Spencer agrees that the birthday party will be "the last hurrah" after which he won't speak to his sister ever again. 
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"If the producers so much as hint that they want me to show up at Stephanie's party and cause maximum drama, then I'll obediently do exactly that."

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"Same."

Lauren and Lo are in the bathroom, primping for Stephanie's party and discussing whether or not they think Heidi and Spencer will be there. Lauren says she's fairly confident that the two aren't coming, and Lo winces and says she hopes not 'cause she'd actually be nervous if they were to show up. A few seconds later, Audrina appears in the doorway and says she'll definitely be at the party and will meet them there later...and judging from all the put off looks and vacant stares that ensue, there's still a lot of tension brewing between her and Lo.

Over at the People's Revolution business dinner, Kelly updates her staff on all the cool things that are going on and tells Whitney she's going to want her to take on a larger role [spoiler: in the aftermath of Jessica's firing]. When Jessica chimes in to natter about the way she communicates directly with stylists, Kelly brusquely shuts her down and says she doesn't want her doing that kind o' shit no 'mo, then barks, "I'm just going to say what want, it's my company." She motions at Jessica and mocks, "You: pretty pretty, happy happy" and criticizes the way she pitches stories (?) and chides her for her lack of common sense. As a stunned Whitney gasps, Kelly goes on to say that she wants the company to grow...and if that happens, everyone will move up - and if they don't grow, people are going to get cut. In response to the nonsensical tongue lashing, the frightened looking employees seated around the table collectively nod in mute angst. 
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"You: pretty pretty.
Me: bitchy bitchy."

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"Me: anxious anxious."

While en route to Boulevard 3, Lauren texts Stephanie to tell her that she and Lo are on their way...then informs Lo that Doug will be arriving with Brody and Frankie. She adds that she hopes Audrina also stops in, and (rhetorically?) asks Lo, "Can't we all just get along?" ... to which Lo snootily retorts, "Well, the ones who matter are getting along." Meow.

Lauren and Lo arrive at the club and hug Stephanie hello...and a few seconds later, Audrina arrives, followed by Frankie, Brody and Doug. Lo stares over at Audrina with a weirdly demonic look on her face, compliments her appearance, then smarmily says, "I'm glad we talked." Audrina responds by staring back at her with a 'the fuck was that?' expression...which was also my reaction to Lo's idea of a friendly conversation.  

Spencer and Heidi make a grand entrance carrying balloons, 'causing audible gasps among the guests who somehow weren't expecting them to put in an appearance. Brody immediately gets peeved by the contrived drama, says he wants to leave asap, and summons Frankie to beat a hasty retreat. Doug says he'll stay with Lauren until she's ready to flee...and all the while Stephanie is shaking her head in faux shocked dismay. Spencer growls, "Can you get these obnoxious chicks away?", prompting Lo to urge Lauren to throw in the towel on the party and leave. Lauren chews on that for a few seconds, then wishes Stephanie a really good birthday and gives her a hug goodbye...and as the posse makes a beeline for the nearest exit, Stephanie tells Heidi and Spencer she's sooooo surprised to see them here. Spencer gleefully cackles, "I think we surprised somebody else even more!" before the camera pans over to Lauren, Lo, et. al. glumly exiting the club.

The next day, Spencer drops by Stephanie's apartment to admonish her for "jumping ship to the bad guys". When Stephanie points out that she likes to be friends with every Hills cast mate, Spencer nonsensically retorts that there are two ships, one of which she jumped, and that she was "caught out" while trying to be peacemaker among the factions, which apparently is tantamount to "telling Iran and Israel to get along". Stephanie calls him rash (for never listening and jumping to conclusions), while she tries to be rational (for wanting to be on good terms with everyone). Spencer acknowledges that the two of them haven't always gotten along, but then concedes that since they're siblings he can't "make you un-my-sister", which apparently is something he would have loved to have done in the not-so-distant past. Stephanie calls that [bizarrely put together string of words] hurtful - but Spencer digs in and makes it clear that he doesn't want to see or talk to her her if she insists on hanging with Lauren and her A-list clique.
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"If I had a magic wand, I'd use its omnipotent power to sever the familial ties that bind us."

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"You're, like, a wizard."

Over at People's Revolution, Kelly summons Whitney to her office and brusquely informs her that she fired Jessica, wants her to take on Jessica's role, and be totes OK with suddenly living a bi-coastal life. She explains that the new job will mostly consist of attending business meetings and bringing the voice/vision from New York to the L.A. office...and that she's going to have to do a better job of delegating stuff. Whitney earnestly says she's working on that - but just generally looks frightened by the promotion.

At FIDM, Stephanie arrives for class, seats herself beside Lauren, and apologizes for all the drama that ensued when Spencer and Heidi showed up at her party. She insists it was a total surprise and that she doesn't want Lauren to think she betrayed her trust. Lauren responds by coolly reminding her it's no secret that her friends have been cautioning her about their unlikely friendship...and after what happened at Boulevard 3, "you just kind of sent them back on that rampage".
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Holly prepares for her new Hills role with a Hollywood makeover

"We'll Never Be Friends"
Original airdate: 8/17/2008

Episode summary: Spencer is less than thrilled when Heidi's sister (Holly) announces that she plans to move in with them when she relocates to Los Angeles. Lauren wrings her hands about the growing tension between Audrina and Lo.
Recap: While cataloguing a rack of clothing at People's Revolution, Lauren tells Whitney she's throwing Audrina a birthday/barbecue party at the house and hopes it'll relieve some of the tension that's been brewing between Audrina and Lo. She then changes the subject and shares that she has a date tonight with a guy (Doug) she once dated as a teenager, and remarks that the last time she was with a guy for more than one date was when she pretended to be interested in Brody. Whitney's all, "Oh my gosh!" and agrees that, yep, that's a pretty a long slump for a twenty-something year old to be enduring.  

Over at Bolthouse, Heidi tells Kimberly her sister Holly is visiting this weekend, then complains that it's not the most ideal time for a visit 'cause Spencer just moved back into the apartment [they're pretending they live in], and so they're in the process of working that whole thing out. Heidi sheepishly adds that she hasn't bothered to inform:
  1. Holly that Spencer is living with her again, and
  2. Spencer that Holly is spending the weekend at their place
... in order to generate some contrived drama for this otherwise humdrum season premiere.

At Epic Records, Audrina wanders over to Chiara's cubicle and shares that Lauren is throwing her a birthday/barbecue party this weekend - but seriously doubts that it'll help improve things between herself and Lo, who's "always super bitchy". 

Holly has arrived in L.A. earlier than expected and is twiddling her thumbs at Casa Uncomfortable while Spencer sits on the couch a few feet away from her, sullenly playing with his Xbox. A few seconds later, Heidi returns home from work and hugs her sister hello, then makes an oops! expression in Spencer's direction. When the two sisters start gabbling as they catch up on each other's lives, Spencer abruptly gets up and ambles over to the bedroom...and when Heidi excuses herself to check on his mood, Holly is able to eavesdrop on Spencer grumbling about her unexpected intrusion in their lives, while Heidi beseeches him to be nice.  
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"You don't mind if Holly stays at our pretend apartment this weekend, do you?"

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"I'll let this despondent expression be my retort."

While primping for her date with Doug, Lauren tells Lo she's soooo excited to recycle her former beau for the next couple of episodes...and Lo suggests that, if all goes well, she should invite Doug to Audrina's birthday party. Lauren says it'd be very cool if she and Audrina have a fun night tonight - but Lo looks wholly uninterested in that prospect and mumbles, "Yeah well..." A few seconds later, Doug arrives...and as he ferries them to the Red Pearl Kitchen, Lauren reminisces about her dorkiness during their teenage courtship, e.g. how she used to drive by his house and call him on her cellphone.

Over dinner, Doug asks Lauren what she's been doing the last four years of her life, and she somehow refrains from pointing at the Hills camera crew that's filming this conversation and stating the obvious. Doug orders a beer, which Lauren translates to mean that he's "a guy's guy" ... and when he compliments her gorgeousness and asks if they can do this again sometime, she coquettishly nods and invites him to be her plus one at Audrina's birthday party.

The next morning, Heidi and Holly are cooking breakfast when a bedraggled Spencer stumbles out of the bedroom and plops himself at the counter. Holly offers him a plate of food - but he declines...and when Heidi chides him for his rudeness, he grumbles about how they woke him up at such an ungodly hour. He mumbles that he's off to get some more sleep and heads back to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him...and Heidi apologizes to Holly and calls his surly behavior embarrassing. 

Frankie and Doug arrive at Audrina's birthday/barbecue party and warmly greet the gals...and they're followed by a posse of Audrina's grunge-clad, offbeat friends. Lauren, meanwhile, heads back into the kitchen to serve up the food...and when Lo saunters in a few seconds later, Lauren urges her to engage more and, "Be my charming Lo that I know and love." When Audrina enters the room, she tells Lauren and Lo that she invited Justin, along with the riff-raff she typically hangs out with whenever she goes clubbing...and Lo glances in the direction of the heavily tattooed partygoers and disdainfully replies, "Well...we're just going to have to enjoy the company that comes." Audrina looks visibly put off by the bitchiness of her tone...as does Lauren, who shoots Lo a bewildered stink-eye.
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"Can't you just be the bigger person and politely mingle with Audrina's party guests?"

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"Sorry, no. That notion doesn't compute."

Heidi brings Holly to a hair salon to get some extensions added to her locks. Heidi tells her she hasn't told their parents about Spencer moving back into the apartment 'cause she no longer feels the need to share every detail of her life with them...and when Holly sadly reminisces about the time she used to tell their mom everything, Heidi counters, "Yeah...and then you grow up" and makes it clear that she doesn't want her family all up in her bidness. Holly brings up the issue of Lauren, and Heidi says she hasn't seen her in a long time...and when Holly asks if she misses her, she mumblingly replies, "I dunno. What happened happened." Holly tells Heidi she's concerned about her sacrificing so much for her relationship with Spencer, and Heidi weakly assures her she's not - but Holly just stares back at her with a skeptical expression.

Audrina hugs Justin hello when he arrives at the party, while Lauren briefly canoodles with Doug. She then heads back into the house to look for Lo, who saunters into the kitchen at that moment and says she's been upstairs playing with the dog. An exasperated Lauren says she'd like her to at least make a half-assed effort to attend the party - but Lo grumbles about how ill at ease she feels mixing with Audrina's weird friends. Lauren concurs that she does as well, but then admonishes, "This is the part where we need to make an effort, otherwise it's just not going to get any better." Lo argues that she feels as though they have been making an effort (e.g. cooking all day to feed Audrina's party guests) - but that it's not being reciprocated on her end. She then pronounces, "I'm done" and goes upstairs, prompting Lauren to roll her eyes in irritable dismay.

Lauren tells Frankie she's sooooo stressed about the growing tension between Lo and Audrina, so Frankie flatly says that maybe the two shouldn't be friends. A distressed Lauren says she can't bear this rancorous vibe and really really wants things to go back to the way they were, aka pre-'Lo becoming a regular Hills cast member'.

As the weekend comes to an end, Holly tells Heidi she had the best time of her "whole life" and that she misses her so much. Heidi urges her visit more often, so Holly floats the idea of moving to L.A. 'cause apparently she's got fuck all going on in Colorado. When Heidi asks where she'd live, Holly invites herself to bunk with her and Spencer until she figures out a far less objectionable housing situation, and Heidi squeaks, "Yeah, we'll figure it out" while Spencer looks alarmed at the prospect of opening his home to his future sister-in-law. Holly bids him adieu and thanks him for his hospitality, and he sarcastically replies, "My pleasure" as she climbs into a cab and is driven off. Heidi tells Spencer she had such a fun visit with her sis - but Spencer glares at her incredulously and mimics her 'yeah, we'll figure it out' retort and bellows, "Ridiculous!" as he lumbers back into the apartment building.

Back at People's Revolution, Lauren recaps Audrina's birthday/barbecue party to Whitney, making special mention of how Lo skipped much of it. She says she suddenly feels bad for making Lo "jump through hoops" for Audrina 'cause she doesn't actually owe Audrina anything. She then describes Doug as a lovely asset to the guest list 'cause he was very friendly to everyone and grilled the food...and she regrets neglecting him during the party in favor of worriedly wringing her hands about the dysfunction between Lo and Audrina.

Lo drops by Audrina's little guest house in an effort to make nice. She apologizes for being largely absent at her birthday party and acknowledges that, after the move from Hillside Villas, they all had the expectation that the three-way friendship (them + Lauren) was going to blossom - but so far it hasn't happened. Lo insists that she and Lauren have tried, but that she (Audrina) hasn't given much in return...and Audrina concedes, "I just don't feel like I click with you" and complains about feeling like an outsider whenever the three of them hang out. She says she gets the fact that she (Lo) and Lauren have been friends for ages; however, when she and Lauren were roommates, they had their own dynamic. Lo says that she can totally dig that - but also rejects the notion that she's in any way responsible for them having drifted apart now that they're a domestic threesome.
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"I feel like a third wheel whenever I hang out with you and Lauren."

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"I believe the more accurate term is interloper."

Audrina admonishes Lo for her generally bitchy 'tude, and that it's become so toxic she no longer gives even the tiniest rat's ass about making an effort. Lo insists that there's a strong part of her that wants them to be friends - but Audrina makes it clear she's not all that interested 'cause she has plenty of friends in her life who do treat her well and make her feel included...and when Lo again accuses her of not reciprocating her friending efforts, Audrina blurts out, "I just don't care! We'll never be friends!" Lo pauses for a few seconds to chew on that insult, then quietly retorts, "OK" and gets up and heads back to the main house. 
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"I'm hoping that this is the start of a woof-tastic career in television."

"No Place Like Home"
Original airdate: 5/5/2008

Episode summary: Heidi opts for more work-related responsibilities. Audrina continues to feel left out with her new roommates. Lauren and Lo adopt a puppy.
Recap: Heidi requests a meeting with Brent to tell him she's super eager to play a larger role in Bolthouse's acquisitions and is totes open to travelling or relocating as needed. Brent pretends to be delighted by her sudden ambition, appoints her the company's newest Project Manager, and invites her to accompany himself and Sam Nazarian to Las Vegas to check out a hotel/casino they just bought and are planning on renovating. Heidi perks up at that and tells him she's definitely up to the challenge. LOL.

Lauren and Lo are sunning themselves by the pool when Audrina ambles over to inform them that she's off to Pulse Studios, where she and Chiara are overseeing a recording session with the band Alkaline Trio. She invites them to stop by later and check it out...and Lauren asks her to text her the address, while Lo rolls her eyes disinterestedly and later tells Lauren she'd much rather go shopping.

Over at Bolthouse, Heidi tells Kimberly that Brent has elevated her status to Project Manager, and that in a couple of days she's going to be jetting to Vegas to check out a new hotel/casino everyone's going to pretend with a straight face that she's going to play an important role in renovating. Kimberly shares in her excitement before asking what Spencer is going to say 'bout all this, and Heidi tells her she really couldn't give a rat's ass. 
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"I'm Bolthouse's newest Project Manager!"

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"I envy you, your world of make believe."

Alkaline Trio is killin' it during their recording session at Pulse Studios when Audrina gets a call from Lauren, announcing that she and Lo have arrived. Audrina tells them to come right into the control room...and Lauren does her best to look interested in watching the band perform, while Lo can't bring herself to fake anything and fiddles with her phone before complaining that she's hungry. Lauren looks conflicted for a few seconds before telling Audrina that she and Lo are off to get some sushi. She invites Audrina to come along, but Audrina is forced to decline 'cause she and Chiara are expected to stay until the band is finished recording. After Lauren and Lo leave, Chiara contorts her face into a 'the fuck?' expression and remarks on how weird it is that the two only stayed "for five seconds". 

At Luckyfish, Lauren and Lo select their desired sushi and talk about the way they just rudely skipped out on the recording session Audrina invited them to. Lauren says that clearly Audrina expected them to stay the whole time - or at least longer than five seconds - but Lo just shrugs and fake self-deprecatingly says she doesn't feel as though she's cool enough to hang out with with a band. 

Stephanie drops by Heidi's apartment to grumble about how desperately she wants Spencer to move out 'cause of what a mess he's making of her living room. Heidi's like, "Yeah, whatever" and breaks the news that she just got a faux new job opportunity with lots of travel, and that she might possibly relocate to Las Vegas. She says, "There's nothing really holding me back" now that she and Spencer are pretending as though either has any intention of moving on from their relationship. Stephanie argues that Spencer has zero interest in dating anyone else and wanks her about how perfect they are for each other...and Heidi digests that for a few seconds before asking Stephanie to please not tell Spencer about any of this - which, of course, Stephanie correctly translates to mean 'you need to tell Spencer about my travel/relocation plans at your earliest opportunity'.

Lauren and Lo are playing with their adorable new puppy (!) when Audrina enters the house and is all, "Who is this cutie?!" They introduce her to baby Chloe...and Lo jokes about how Chloe is going to brag to the other pooches in doggie daycare about having two mommies. Audrina looks wounded by being excluded from the new puppy's mommy circle and reacts by getting up and leaving...and Lauren scrunches her face into an expression of sad regret at her roommate's abrupt departure.  
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"Chloe can brag about having two mommies!"

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"Actually, that's three minus one 'dissed mommy."

Stephanie rails at Spencer for messing up her kitchen and says she's officially fed up with him squatting in her apartment and controlling her personal life. She orders him to get the hell out of her place today, and he tells he'd be more than happy to move out, not least 'cause he's tired of listening to her bitch and moan about his aimless/jobless existence.

Audrina brings Justin into the kitchen of the main house she shares with Lauren and Lo to get something to eat. She tells him she doesn't typically spend a lot of time in the main house 'cause there's a weird vibe to the place now that Lo is part of the roommate dynamic. Justin clucks sympathetically and says it's not very desirable to live with that kind of tension, and Audrina agrees that she's sick of Lo's eye-rolling and phone fiddling whenever she tries to engage with her. Justin suggests she consider looking at other places to rent, and Audrina mulls that over for a few seconds and agrees that maybe a change in living arrangements is in order. 

At the Van Nuys airport, Heidi, Brent, and Sam Nazarian board a Las Vegas bound private plane. Sam asks Heidi why she's suddenly available to do all this travelling...and when she just sort of mumbles a non-answer, Brent interjects and says that until recently, Heidi was tied down with a toxic assbag of a boyfriend. Heidi adds that the assbag is now out of the picture, which prompts Sam to wonder aloud what his reaction is going to be when he learns that she's jetting off to Vegas. When he asks how old Spencer is and learns that he's only twenty-four, he laughs heartily and then cackles, "Yep, he's going to lose his mind."
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"I'm jetting with you to Vegas to spur my boyfriend into following me, and then whisking me back home like the white knight I imagine him to be."

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"How fun for me."

Spencer arrives at Heidi's now vacant apartment and wanders dejectedly from room to room before pulling out his phone and calling Stephanie, ordering her to call him back pronto. As he stares sadly into space, the camera pans over to Heidi, who's staring out of the plane window in equally morose contemplation.
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Heidi takes pretend notes for her pretend Project Manager job

"The Next Move is Yours"
Original airdate: 5/12/2008

Episode summary: Spencer is aghast when he learns that Heidi might possibly relocate to Las Vegas. Lauren attempts to squash the tension that has been brewing between herself and Audrina.
Recap: Audrina has brought Justin along to check out a prospective apartment in what looks like a very urban neighbourhood in L.A. She remarks on the deficiencies of her current living situation and says that since she's been relegated to the guest house (um, a decision of her own making), she might as well just get her own place.

Spencer summons Stephanie over to his apartment to report that Heidi never came home last night and if she happens to know whaddup with that...so Stephanie informs him that Heidi is in Las Vegas doing pretend Bolthouse work and might possibly pretend that she's going to permanently relocate there. Spencer looks aghast at that news and declares that he's jumping into his car and driving to Las Vegas...and that, for whatever reason, she's going to need to tag along on his romantic adventure. 

Sam Nazarian and Brent are giving Heidi a tour of their newest acquisition, the Sahara Hotel & Casino, and she's busily jotting down notes detailing their various plans to renovate the property. After that, they head upstairs to one of the suites to get a gander at the incredible view of the city and beyond, and Heidi expresses great excitement at being part of Bolthouse's exclusive A-team.

Over at People's Revolution, Whitney asks Lauren how Audrina is doingk, and Lauren sadly says they haven't really talked much lately, and that she's starting to seriously wonder if Audrina even wants to be quasi-roommates with her and Lo anymore. She says that when they lived together at Hillside Villas, the only thing they really had in common was being roommates...and if you take the roommate component out of their friendship, there really ain't a helluva lot left.
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"How is your roommate friendship with Audrina goingk?"

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"It's dawned on me that if you take roommate out of that sentence, there's zero going on."

After arriving in Las Vegas, Spencer orders Stephanie to call Heidi and ask her where she is at this very moment, so Stephanie dutifully rings her up and learns that she's having a pretend work meeting with Brent, Sam, and some other flunky at the Palazzo Hotel. Spencer's all, "On it!" and drives straight to the hotel, parks in front of the main entrance, and races into the lobby. Stephanie sheepishly shrugs at the parking attendant and asks if it's OK for her and the car to wait here until her idiot brother returns from his quest to win back the heart of his beloved.

Spencer interrupts Heidi's meeting with The Bolthouse Boys to ask her if they can have a privately filmed Hills moment outside. Once she's out of earshot, Brent puts his limited acting chops to work wondering aloud what the hell that was, while Sam quips, "I guess you have to find a new project manager!" before laughing heartily. [LOL. That he does, Sam. That he does.] Heidi admonishes Spencer for barging in on her very important over drinks work meeting, and he retorts that he can't bear for her to relocate to Las Vegas - but, more importantly, doesn't want them to be broken up anymore. Heidi tells him she can't do this right now, and he's like, "Pleeeeeeeeease come back to L.A. with me." Heidi scrunches her face into an expression of wistful rumination before returning to the table and apologizing to The Bolthouse Boys for the interruption. Brent tells her that she needs to get this situation under control asap and make some life decisions, then warns that she only gets one shot with Sam [despite Sam's obvious amusement at getting tangled up into this contrived reality show spectacle]. 
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"I want you to come home and focus on being my fiancée again."

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"And give up my pretend dream of being Bolthouse's newest Project Manager? Done."

Lauren and Lo are in their kitchen, cooking fish and wondering if Audrina is going to actually join them for dinner. They get their answer when Audrina exits the guest house and quietly ambles past the main house on her way out for the evening. A miffed looking Lauren murmurs, "That's weird", while Lo chucklingly says, "I guess it's just you and me."

The next morning at the Palazzo Hotel, Brent is standing outside the main entrance and anxiously checking his watch, presumably waiting for Heidi to appear. When she fails to materialize, Sam arrives and tells Brent he's ready to head to the airport now...and that since clearly Heidi isn't interested in her pretend promotion, he's A-OK with leaving her behind. A few seconds later, the camera pans over to the hotel lobby, where Heidi, Spencer, and Stephanie are solemnly riding the down escalator. 

Back at Casa Unease, Lauren tells Lo that she feels the need to hash things out with Audrina 'cause of all the tension that's been brewing lately. Lo says she's fairly indifferent about her working out anything with Audrina and chuckles over the ridiculousness of the situation... and Lauren reminds her that the two of them have a twelve year lead on her flimsy, reality show friendship with Audrina.

Lauren drops by the guest house for a tête-à-tête with Audrina. She complains that they never really see each other anymore, and Audrina points out that it was soooo different at Hillside Villas 'cause their bedrooms were right next to each other...whereas now she feels awkward even going into the main house, much less going up to the second floor where the bedrooms are. Lauren insists that she and Lo want her to hang with them, but Audrina just kind of shrugs and says she's been doing her own thing lately, mostly 'cause she feels ignored and 'dissed by Lo, who she strongly feels is pulling them apart. Lauren tears up at that and insists that neither Lo nor anyone else influences who she's friends with - but, by this time, Audrina has shut down...and the two just stare at each other in sad muteness for several seconds. After that, a deflated looking Lauren departs the guest house, leaving the strained situation unresolved.
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"Lo is ruining our friendship."

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"I tearfully object."

Heidi and Spencer arrive at their L.A. apartment and walk inside hand-in-hand, looking happy and newly re-coupled.
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Published on
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"I heard that this show needed a dull blast from the past, so here I am!"

"A Date With the Past"
Original airdate: 4/28/2008

Episode summary: Lauren, Lo, and Audrina throw a housewarming party at their new digs. Stephen Colletti makes a guest appearance and takes Lauren out to dinner. Heidi and Spencer chide Stephanie for socializing with Lauren.
Recap: Lauren, Lo, and Audrina get their first look at the house they're going to be renting and squeal happily over the huge amount of space it has. Audrina lays claim to the guest house across the yard and says she looooves that it's so private...and the three agree that they're going to need to throw a housewarming party asap.

Later, while dining in an outdoor cafe, Lauren tells Lo that she invited Stephen Colletti to their housewarming party - but makes it clear that she and Stephen are strictly platonic friends now, despite the fact that she never really stopped liking him since their high school years.

Stephanie finds Spencer taking a break from lounging on the couch in her apartment to lounging on a couch in the Karma Coffeehouse. She informs him that Lauren invited her to her upcoming housewarming party, and Spencer's all, "You're being disloyal to the Pratt clan", then gruffly orders her to get lost...and when she refuses to leave, he responds by getting up and shuffling out of the coffeehouse. 
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"I'm thinking of going to Lauren's housewarming party."

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"That sort of treachery will not be tolerated."

Over at the new house, Lauren, Lo, and Audrina are discussing the guest list for their housewarming party. Audrina lists the various people she plans to invite, including - ack! - Justin...and at the mention of Justin, Lauren's like, "Wait a minute, rewind!" and makes Audrina confirm that the slovenly shitbag she dumped just ten episodes ago for his boorishness is, in fact, being invited into their home. Audrina reacts by squinting stink-eyes while an oblivious Lauren announces that she has invited Stephen Colletti to attend the party...and Lo squeals her approval and gushes about how they've always had a thing, even though Lauren insists again that their relationship is strictly platonic. 

Party time! The housewarming party guests begin to arrive, including Brody...who introduces Lauren to his bosom-y new girlfriend, Cora.

Stephanie stops in at Heidi's apartment to needlessly inform her that she's on her way to Lauren's housewarming party. Heidi's all 'the fuck?' and makes it clear that she's absolutely not OK with her and her ex-BFF hanging out together. Stephanie points out how dumb it is that she's expected to run her social plans past her and Spencer for approval...and how much dumber than that it is that she actually does run her social plans past her and Spencer for approval, only to feel guilty when they constantly cast shade on her friendship with Lauren. Heidi sanctimoniously says that she must feel guilty 'cause she knows she's doing something wrong...then, like Spencer, questions her loyalty to the family. Stephanie grumbles that this tedious feud all seems "so middle school", then - in a visibly disheartened fashion - reluctantly agrees to skip the housewarming party and offers to mopishly spend the evening with her, watching a movie or doing something equally as boring.  
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"I'm on my way to Lauren's housewarming party."

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"That sort of treachery will not be tolerated."

Lo is gushy and thrilled when Stephen Colletti arrives at the party - at the same time a grubby looking Justin arrives and is warmly greeted by Brody and Frankie. Lauren then engages in a one-on-one with Stephen and somehow gets on the topic of her stewing estrangement with Audrina and how she doesn't feel welcome to wander over to her private guest house, even just to say hey. 

Audrina, meanwhile, is hanging with Justin in her private guest house, grumbling about how annoyed she was when Lauren and Lo made a big stupid deal about her inviting him to the party. She mumbles that she just wants to do what she wants, preferably without their bitchy commentary. 

Stephen tells Lauren that they should catch up at dinner tomorrow night, aka not when there's this level of madness around them [the MTV camera crew notwithstanding, I guess]. 

The next day at FIDM, Lauren tells Stephanie that the housewarming party was a success, and that it's a shame she's a grown woman who doesn't have the stones to tell Heidi and/or Spencer to go pee up a rope regarding with whom she chooses to socialize. Stephanie complains about how much she haaaates it when Heidi and/or Spencer accuse her of being disloyal to the family, and Lauren says she kinda/sorta feels bad for putting her in this position, then changes the subject to Stephen Colletti and their upcoming dinner date. 

Lauren is primping for her dinner with Stephen while telling Lo she's not 100% sure if this is a full on date or not, despite the many proclamations this episode about their platonic status. A few seconds later, Stephen arrives...and after the two hug hello and tell Lo not to wait up, they head out to Il Cielo. As the two catch up while eating dinner, Lauren gets on the topic of Audrina again and gabbles about how she's not quite sure what's going on with Audrina and Justin...and that she and Audrina aren't the kind of roommates who bare their souls to each other. Stephen's like, "Wow, bummer" and changes the subject to how thrilled his mom was to hear about their dinner date, even though he emphasized to her that they're just platonic friends. Lauren chuckles and tells him that her parents love him a lot too...but agrees that, yep, there's nothing but strict platonicness going on here. After dinner and while en route home, Lauren reminisces to Stephen about how he always managed to get her home before her curfew...and he recalls that he drove fast enough to get her home on time - but not in a reckless fashion 'cause, "I had precious cargo." Lauren looks touched by that remark...and when he pulls up to her house, the two bid each other goodnight with a chaste hug.
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"I made it absolutely clear to my mother that you and I will only ever be platonic friends."

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"Yeah? Well, I've told that to my mother, all my friends, and anyone else who seems remotely interested in us hooking up."

Lo is up late, working on her laptop when Lauren returns home...and when she asks how the date went, Lauren says it was fine - but wistfully adds that some things are better left the way they are. Lo insists that she and Stephen are so darn cute together [though I'm sorta meh 'bout that] - but Lauren says she always feels like she's back in high school whenever the two of them hang out, and reminds Lo that she's not in high school anymore. Lo's like, "Whatever" and dreamily says she'd looooove it if she and Stephen somehow re-connected and got married one day.
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