The Hills - Season 3, Episode 16

"I heard that this show needed a second dose of Pratt, so here I am!"

"A Night At the Opera"
Original airdate: 11/26/2007

Episode summary: While out clubbing, Lauren and Audrina encounter Stephanie Pratt. Audrina catches Justin kissing another woman and decides to end their unholy coupling. 

---

Recap: Audrina tells Lauren that she was out clubbing the other night when she encountered a freak by the name of Stephanie Pratt, who accused her of being a bitch before declaring, "You and Lauren are done" ... and it remains unclear why this juicy drama didn't play out in front of the MTV camera crew. Lauren says she's met this loony She-Pratt before, and adds that she's a lot more worrisome than Spencer 'cause, unlike a guy, a girl can physically strike another girl.

Stephanie drops by Casa Pratt/Montag to witness Heidi and Spencer cheerfully bicker at each other about not paying the electric bill, and then coo, "I've never seen two people so in love." Heidi asks her if she knows about their upcoming wedding, and Stephanie replies, "Yeah, Tibet" and Heidi laughingly nixes that prospect and says she's all about planning a fun, family-oriented local wedding. Stephanie suddenly remembers that she and her friend Roxy got credentials on the Internet to be ministers and offers to officiate their wedding, but Heidi scrunches her face disinterestedly and says she has zero desire for her to do that.

"I got a ministers' certificate out of a gumball machine and would be more than happy to officiate your Tibetan wedding."

"Neither of those things sound right to me."

Over at Hillside Villas, Lauren and Audrina decide that tonight's partying venue will be a club named Opera. Audrina says she has no idea if Justin will be joining them 'cause he hasn't returned her call, then grimaces and ruefully murmurs, "Surprise.." Lauren shakes her head in disapproving frustration on her friend's behalf and says she needs a relationship that functions in public, and Audrina concurs and says it's become deeply annoying to her the way Justin constantly checks out other women when he's out with her. She adds that he's very attentive and sweet whenever they're alone together, but acts as if they barely know each other when lots of other people are around...and Lauren cheekily says they'd have the perfect relationship if they were both hermits. 

Opera! Brody and Frankie arrive at the club and greet Lauren, Audrina, and Justin...who did manage to show up and is wearing some kind of ratty looking oversized kerchief atop his head. A few seconds later, Brody sees Stephanie across the room and alerts Lauren and Audrina to her presence. Stephanie waves at Brody before ambling over (with her friend Roxy in tow) to ask him what he's doing "on the evil side", then urges, "Come home with us." Roxy then chides Lauren and Audrina for messing with Heidi...and when Lauren asks, "What did I do to Heidi?", Stephanie says she's been egging everyone on to hate her 'cause of how much she hates Spencer. Lauren concedes that, yep, she does indeed hate Spencer with the intensity of a thousand suns - but that her beef with Heidi is a private matter between ex-BFFs and is therefore none of anyone else's business. Stephanie retorts, "When you hate my brother it makes me hate you", and Brody interjects and says that Spencer consciously fucked a lot of shit up, and reiterates Lauren's urging to refrain from involving herself in other people's problems. As Stephanie and Roxy start to amble off, Lauren advises, "Don't fight other people's battles" ... and once they're out of hearing range, Audrina remarks on how much the two remind her of Cinderella's evil step-sisters. As they chuckle over that, Brody says that the most amusing/WTF? part of that whole interaction was Stephanie beseeching him to 'come home with us'.

"Stop messing with Heidi."

"As you can see in real time, public arguments are a Hills ratings bonanza...so no can do."

Justin, meanwhile, is having a quasi-surreptitious interaction with a busty redhead...and a few seconds later, he abruptly leaves the table he's sitting at with Audrina, Lauren, et. al. to sit with the attractive stranger. Brody notices the table change and asks whassup wth Justin sitting over there...and Lauren gasps when she sees Justin kissing the redhead, and promptly reports the philandering to Audrina, who looks visibly upset with this, let's face it, unsurprising turn of events. 

After the commercial break, Audrina discusses Justin's boorishness with Lauren et. al. ... and when Lauren asks her if she's OK, she says she's really not, and that she's "dead serious" about wanting to cut Justin off forever. A few seconds later, Justin exits the club while brazenly groping the busty redhead before coming face-to-face with Audrina, who demands to know what in blazes he's doing. When he reacts by darting outside, Audrina confronts the busty redhead, who delivers this now-classic denial, "I did not kiss him, I did not nothing him" (?) while Justin watches the spectacle from a few feet away, chortling and carrying on like a demented assclown. Lauren suggests they all head to the parking lot...and Justin trails after Audrina and somehow manages to steer her away from the rest of the crowd for a private chat. Audrina declares herself done, and Justin points out that she kinda says that word a lot. She tells him that what she saw tonight was disturbing, to which he nonsensically mumbles, "Because that's what I bring home. That's what I do?" [Um, yes..?] She recounts how soul-sucking it is to constantly wait around for him to call and make a decision about what label their relationship should have...and he tells her that this isn't about a decision, admits he would not be thrilled if she dated other guys, and insists that she's in his heart. Audrina firmly replies that she's thinking seriously about cutting the cord with respect to ever seeing him and/or talking to him on the phone anymore...and he asks her if she thinks it's really possible for her to bail and move on, says "I don't want shit to go down like this", and urges her to ride home with him. Lauren, meanwhile, is understandably shocked when the car carrying Justin and Audrina drives past where she's standing with Brody and Frankie. 

"You're in my heart...you can bail and move on...I don't want shit going down like this."

"I'm starting to wonder if English is actually your first language."

Stephanie drops by Casa Pratt/Montag a second time to dish to Spencer and Heidi about her run-in with Brody and Lauren et. al. She recaps the snarkfest, claims that Brody scoffed, "Oh pleeeease" when Stephanie told him that she and Heidi were besties...which wasn't included in the footage that was aired, so that'll have to be a matter of debate. Stephanie then shares that Justin was kissing some redhead in full view of Audrina, then in the next breath somehow deduces that he seemed like the nicest person of the entire clique. Heidi's all, "Ooooh! Aaaaahhh" at the juicy tidbits, but then claims that she's soooo sick and tired of hearing about these people and would like to change the subject please.

At Epic Records, Audrina tells Chiara that Justin made out in full view of everyone with a busty redhead at Opera, and Chiara gasps and kind of laughs at his flagrant boorishness. Audrina says he was merely doing what he likely does whenever she's not around, and declares that last night was truly the last straw. She says that the car ride home was quiet on account of they didn't talk at all, and that Justin was actually surprised when she managed to restrain herself from jumping at the opportunity to spend the night at his place. She tells Chiara that she's serious about this hookup being over - but is being forced by The Hills producers to officially end their unholy coupling on camera.

A chastened looking Justin arrives at Hillside Villas for a final tête-à-tête with Audrina (at least for the time being). He scrunches his face confusedly and says he has no idea what all the fuss is about, denies kissing the busty redhead, and is "tripped out" that people are accusing him of the misdeed [that was largely captured on film]. Audrina points out that she herself witnessed him kissing her, as did her friends...and he grimaces at that and says, "Your friends don't fathom me whatsoever." He accuses Audrina of seeing what she wants to see, but Audrina points out that he's once again being completely nonsensical 'cause there's no reason she'd want to see him smooch another girl. She then wisely gives up on the inanity of this back-and-forth, calls the situation hopeless, and decides that attempting to have a relationship with someone as behavorially befuddling as him is never going to work. She firmly tells him it's over, and that from this moment hence they're platonic friends...and an ashen-faced Justin gives her a goodbye hug before dejectedly shuffling out the door and driving off in his ugly car.

Godspeed, shitbag.

"Your friends don't fathom me."

"On the contrary... they can and do fathom what a boorish imbecile you're always proving yourself to be."

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---