Recap: Jo is glancing around the living room at the giant flower bouquets her father just had delivered for some unknown reason - just as Tootie enters the room to express concern that Natalie and, more importantly, the camera she loaned her haven't yet returned from Miami. A few seconds later, Natalie walks through the door and gets an earful from Tootie about losing the camera - but Natalie assures her it's in her suitcase, which turns out to be someone else's suitcase she accidentally picked up at baggage claim. Jo advises Natalie to call the airlines to straighten it out - but a sheepish Natalie's all, "No can do" and explains that she threw away her baggage claim ticket.
Papa Polniaczek arrives wearing a fancy new three-piece suit and for some reason has a gold Rolex on each wrist. He announces, "I'm rich" ... and when the Facts gals are all, "Wha-a-a-a-a?", he explains that he won $300,000 in a magazine giveaway, is now referring to himself as a tycoon, and abruptly quit his job so he could manage his unexpected windfall full time. When a phone starts ringing, he opens his briefcase, answers the phone that's installed inside, and approves the purchase of some stocks. After hanging up, he cackles about how much he loooooves having enough dough to invest, then offers to take the Facts gals out to dinner.
After dinner, Papa Polniaczek rolls his eyes about the pizza dinner he just paid for and says that next time he'd like to treat them to dinner at a swanky place, then asks Blair to recommend some nice rich people restaurants. After Blair, Tootie, and Natalie head upstairs to bed, Papa Polniaczek presents Jo with a top-of-the-line motorcycle helmet. She looks impressed and jokes that it's far nicer than her bike...and when Papa Polniaczek says he could remedy that by buying her a new one, Jo perks up and asks, "How many cylinders?" Papa Polniaczek urges her to come to New York on Friday to check out his new office space, which he's needlessly leasing so he can sit behind a desk in a comfy office chair while making over-the-phone stock purchases...then wonders aloud if he should also go out and buy a Jaguar. Jo's just kind of like, "That all sounds like fun", instead of pointing out that while 300K is a nice windfall, it's not all that much money...and at the stupid rate he's going, there's no way he's not going to burn through it in a matter of days.
Natalie is on the phone with the airlines trying to get her suitcase back, but it ends up being a lost cause when the person she's talking to learns she threw away her baggage claim ticket. Jo, meanwhile, returns home with several Macy's shopping bags filled with an assortment of kind of the shapeless, oversized sweaters she's been sporting most of this season. She explains to the gals that her father footed the bill 'cause he's trying to make up for all the years he never had any money to give her. She says she hopes he slows down his spending - but in the next scene, a package from Papa Polniaczek arrives containing a mink coat and a set of car keys belonging to her brand new convertible.
Upstairs in the bedroom, Jo is calculating the various things her father has spent his cash windfall on and figures he's blown close to $120,000 during the course of one week. Blair looks impressed and says, "That beats my record", then reminds Jo that she hasn't even factored in the taxes. Jo groans and says she's going to have to have a talkin' to with her pops about the idiotic, drunken sailor type way he's been spending his newfound cash.
Andy goes through the suitcase Natalie mistakenly brought home from the airport in an effort to scour clues about who the person is. After staring at what looks like old man clothes for several minutes, he finds a matchbook with a New York City address on it. Natalie and Tootie decide they want to look into it and that they'll go into the city with Jo while she's en route to confront her father.
Papa Polniaczek is in his new office, tossing paper wads into the trash can, when Jo arrives. He natters about how much he loooooves showering her with expensive gifts, then abruptly confesses, "I lost all the money." When a stunned Jo's all, "Come again?", he explains that, in addition to this leased office and all the needless crap he bought for her earlier this episode, he decided 'why not invest 50K in Florida oranges?', only to promptly lose it all when the crop died due to unforeseen frost. He apologizes to Jo for so quickly reverting back to his default settings as a flat-busted dumbfuck, and Jo just shrugs and reminds him that she's not the fancy sort who, figuratively or literally, likes to dine uptown. She hand over the keys to the convertible and tells him she took the mink coat back - but draws the line at returning the motorcycle helmet and says he's simply going to have to suck up the cost of that cherished item.
The rest of the Facts gals arrive at Papa Polniaczek's office with what they assume is Natalie's suitcase...and complain that it smells like Raid 'cause the person who had it was having their apartment fumigated. Tootie says she's going to rifle through it to recover her camera, and quickly realizes that it's Wrong Suitcase #2...and Natalie's all, "Wuh?" - but then decides to keep it 'cause the clothes inside are her size and far nicer than anything she owns.
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Recap: Blair is hanging up posters promoting the reelection of Peekskill's Mayor Callahan...and when Jo grumbles about how Over Our Heads is starting to look like his campaign headquarters, Blair says she volunteered to help the campaign 'cause she strongly believes in this mayor. Not coincidentally, Tootie is displaying her vast inventory of paraphernalia associated with Howie the Kangaroo and the soon-to-be-constructed Howieland Amusement Park while gushing about what a big Howie fan she is.
Natalie brags about the recent letter to the editor she submitted to the local paper regarding Howieland and insists on reading it aloud again. She objects to the construction of the theme park in dramatic fashion by accusing the developers of "raping our land" and "blackening our skies" and implies that Mayor Callahan is in the park developers' pocket. A few seconds later, Tootie squeals with excitement when Andy enters the store carrying a ginormous Howie mascot costume.
Natalie reads over the letters she received in response to her editorial, one of which suggests she run for mayor. She decides she likes the sound of that idea despite not being the minimum age one needs to be to run for mayor, having no relevant experience of any kind, and a limited platform of 'I hate amusement parks'. Blair warns that no one is going to take her seriously, and insists that Mayor Callahan would inform the public if the Howieland developers were guilty of any shenanigans. Jo argues that Callahan is a politician and therefore is by default a liar...and Natalie stares contemplatively into space and says she's going to need a campaign slogan.
Tootie announces that the Howieland fan kits have arrived - oh joy - and predicts they'll make a fortune on the junk. Natalie, meanwhile, is on the phone with a reporter trying to announce her candidacy...and when she can't get the reporter interested, Jo grabs the phone and fibs that Natalie Green's campaign launch will be plenty newsworthy 'cause she plans to mark the occasion by firing herself out of a cannon. LOL.
Blair enters the store with Mayor Callahan, who thanks the Facts gals for generating much needed sales tax revenue by selling their inventory of crap to Over Our Heads customers. Tootie says she hopes they'll have even more to contribute once Howieland brings prosperity to them all, while Natalie tells Callahan she disagrees with him on just about every issue...to which he responds by shaking her hand and schmaltzing about how happy he is to meet her. A cynical Jo warns Natalie he's wanking her just to butter her up, so Natalie snarks at Mayor Callahan that she's nobody's fool, describes Howieland as a fiasco, and vows to get construction of the amusement park shut down. Mayor Callahan argues that the park would be good for the community 'cause of all the tourist dollars it'd bring in, prompting Blair to ask the mayor if he'd be willing to investigate anything that seemed amiss with Howieland. He's like, "Mmm...prolly not" before insisting [not too convincingly] that the theme park developers are on the up and up. He then bids Blair adieu and tells her he'll see her at the Howieland party (the developers are throwing for him), and wishes Natalie good luck with her [hopeless] campaign.
Natalie remarks on how shady it is that the Howieland developers are throwing a party for the mayor and takes that as proof that something sinister is going on. She then gets a phone call from a "mysterious" informant who identifies herself as Sore Throat and claims to have dirt on Howieland. She arranges to meet Natalie at Over Our Heads at midnight and orders her to come alone...and Tootie scrunches her face worriedly and warns Natalie she might be putting herself in danger [despite the strong likelihood that Sore Throat is someone very close to them...like the blonde Facts gal who wasn't in the room when the phone rang].
At midnight, a nervous Natalie skulks around Over Our Heads and mutters to whoever might be within earshot that she's alone and unarmed. She finds Andy, Tootie, and Jo hiding behind the counter armed with makeshift weapons and orders them to leave 'cause she's pretty sure she's not in any physical danger. Natalie eventually notices that the giant Howie mascot costume is occupied by someone who insists on keeping this inane storyline going by playing a game of charades to communicate her super secret intel. After several painful minutes, Natalie figures out that the mascot is in possession of documents, which Sore Throat pulls out of her front pouch...and Natalie doesn't refrain from asking the mascot why in the hell she couldn't have just handed them over instead of making her endure a pointless game of charades. The documents turn out to be construction plans for Howieland, which the mascot insists Mayor Callahan has not seen and knows nothing about.
Natalie shows the construction plans to Jo, Tootie, and Andy...and the four quickly realize that Howieland is going to be built outside of the city limits, meaning that Peekskill won't benefit from any kind of tourism-related revenue. Tootie declares she's now ashamed to have been a supporter of Howieland...and after the four go upstairs to find a hiding place for the documents, Blair enters the living room wearing the bottom half of the Howie mascot. The live studio audience collectively moans, "Ooooh..?!" as if this revelation could actually qualify as any kind of shocker.
The next day, Natalie announces that she could bypass the age restriction for running for mayor if she's able to get 5,000 signatures on a petition - but Blair pooh poohs that idea and points out that Peekskill already has a good mayor. Natalie insists she'd be a lot more effective at getting the important things done, e.g. abolish speed bumps and walk/don't walk signals, and punish kids in movie theaters who blurt out spoilers. A few seconds later, a gaggle of reporters arrive to cover Natalie's foray into politics...and Jo urges Natalie to be as vague as possible while answering questions so she can save her bombshell about Howieland's construction plans for tonight's televised debate. A bearded reporter asks Natalie why anyone should vote for her, given her lack of experience and zero knowledge of politics, and Natalie pivots to nothingness with a long-winded, nonsensical non-answer, demonstrating that she's at least somewhat politically savvy.
Mayoral debate night! Natalie is preparing her Down With Howieland presentation when Andy brings her her poll numbers, which indicate she has zero chance of winning the election. Blair ambles over and concurs with this projected outcome - just as Natalie drops the bombshell that the Howieland developers are building a logjam ride in Mayor Callahan's backyard. Blair calls the accusation ridiculous, but Natalie insists there's merit to the rumor and that she plans to implicate the mayor in this "scandal" on live TV.
When Mayor Callahan arrives at the TV station, Blair comes right out and asks him if Howieland is building a logjam ride in his backyard, and he's all, "Wha-a-a?" and denies making any such deal...so Blair rushes over to a bank of pay phone and calls one booth from the adjacent booth and tells Natalie she has a phone call. When Natalie picks up the phone, Blair slips into her Sore Throat persona and tells her that the logjam ride rumor is a lie, then surreptitiously grabs Howieland's construction plans from inside Natalie's purse and runs off.
Mayor Callahan uses his opening statement to announce that his sources have discovered the existence of documents that prove Howieland is going to turn Peekskill into a ghost town...then cleverly credits Natalie's campaign for bringing this information to his attention - before she has a chance of accusing him of stealing the construction plans.
The Facts gals are at home watching election coverage, and Callahan is winning by a landslide. Natalie gets another phone call from Sore Throat insisting that she - and not the Mayor - was the one who stole Howieland's construction plans. She then tells Natalie she shouldn't run for office and reminds her she's wanted to be a writer since she was six...and it finally dawns on Natalie that Sore Throat couldn't possibly be anyone other than Blair. Natalie, Tootie, and Jo wander into the store, find Blair on the phone, and are all 'busted!' ... and Blair sheepishly hands the receiver to Natalie and says, "It's for you." Womp womp!
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Recap: Tootie tells Jo and Andy [but not Natalie 'cause for some reason she's absent this episode] that she wants to plan a super special 21st birthday surprise for Blair - just as Blair breezes into the room, doesn't bother pretending she hasn't been eavesdropping on their conversation, and tells them she's sure she'll like whatever hare-brained idea they come up with. She then purposely drops a piece of paper onto the floor before exiting the store. The piece of paper contains a poem, which leads the Facts gang to a cryptic clue/note in a copy of Alice in Wonderland...and Tootie translates this to mean that Blair wants to have an Alice in Wonderland themed tea party for her birthday and for guests to come dressed up as their favorite character from the book. Seems like something that should probably be more clearly communicated and/or verified, but OK. Jo grumbles about having to wear an elaborate costume, while Tootie checks the newspaper for a superfluous party entertainer.
Party time! Jo arrives dressed as the White Rabbit, George Clooney as the Jack of Hearts, Tootie as the Mad Hatter, and Andy as a cross between a Santa elf and a Wizard of Oz munchkin 'cause apparently he doesn't know shit about Alice in Wonderland. Tootie informs her castmates that in order to offer some extra fun she hired an entertainer named Louise Le Beau, who described herself in her newspaper ad as "the life of the party".
When Blair enters the store dressed in an understated black dress, her Facts castmates (and the various extras playing partygoers) shriek, "Surprise!!" When she stares back at them confusedly, Tootie explains that since she left a note in Alison in Wonderland, they made the leap in assuming that she wanted that to be the theme of her 21st birthday party. Blair says she was thinking more along the lines of them treating her to dinner at the Wonderland Café, and Tootie's all 'oops', irritably points out that dinner won't be necessary 'cause they have all the bread and butter she can eat, and leads the partygoers into half-heartedly singing Happy Birthday. LOL.
Louise Le Beau arrives at Over Our Heads decked out in a colorful get-up. She does a lap around the store while showcasing her horrible singing voice and making honking noises with her tuba. As everyone stares at her with WTF? expressions, a despondent Blair slumps into the nearest chair and miserably covers her face with her hands.
The next morning, Tootie argues with Jo about how the party wasn't nearly as shitty as she's claiming...and all the commotion wakes up Blair after she moans in her sleep about the horror of having to endure Louise's singing...and is all, "Ack!" when she hears it coming from the kitchen.
Louise serves the Facts gals a hearty breakfast while cracking terrible jokes and making honking noises with her tuba. She thanks them for letting her sleep over and borrow some clothes...which prompts Jo and Blair to glare daggers at Tootie, who explains that Louise missed the last bus home so she figured 'why not let this hopefully harmless, loony stranger sleep in Mrs. Garrett's bedroom and wear her clothes?'
Tootie pulls Louise aside and starts to break the bad news that she's going to have to vacate...and Louise reacts by tearing up and pulling out a hanky, which causes Tootie to pack pedal and meekly praise her cooking. As Jo and Blair look on in dismay, Louise excitedly says, "There's plenty more where that came from!", blows into her tuba some more, and scampers back to the kitchen. Jo admonishes Tootie for chickening out of asking their "houseguest" to leave, then says it looks like she's going to have to do it herself.
In the next scene, we learn that Jo too was unable to bring herself to throw Louise out and bought the lame excuse that she needs a place to stay 'cause her apartment is being painted - but then decrees that Louise is to do all of the cooking and cleaning while she's here. Blair mockingly tells Jo she hopes she wasn't too hard on the old lady, then wonders aloud if she has any friends or family she could stay with.
The Facts gals are studying in the bedroom when Louise enters with the laundry and plays a ukulele while periodically blowing into her tuba. Once she's out of earshot, the gals decide they really really need to find a friend or family member she can go live with, and Tootie decides to call the phone number that Louise had included in her newspaper ad.
Blair breaks the news to Louise that they tracked down her son (Stan) and daughter-in-law (Fran), who are on their way to pick her up. Louise puts her sad face on and complains about how the two are always laughing at her for wanting to be an entertainer, and that she ran off so she could live her life the way she wants. A few seconds later, Stan and his wife Fran - a woman who looks like a man playing a woman - arrive and stand awkwardly in the doorway as they announce that they're here to collect Louise...and to needlessly share the icky tidbit that Stan regularly refers to his wife as "mother". The Facts gals are so freaked out by the couple's uptight, asexual weirdness that Blair fibs and tells them that Louise left without leaving behind a note...and when Stanley suggests they call the police to report her missing, Tootie hastily says she's pretty sure the old lady is on her way home. Jo waxes on about how funny and talented Louise is, but Stan and Fran snappishly retort that her incessant singing and tuba honking irritates the shit out of them.
The gals agree to tell Mrs. Garrett that Louise is their new maid - just as Louise bursts into the room to announce that she just found a job performing at a dinner theater. She thanks them for covering for her with Stan and Fran, promises to call the grisly couple to let them know she's OK, and assures the gals that she's more than capable of taking care of herself.
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Recap: After the Facts gals close the store for the day, Jo says she'd like to have some fun and maybe go somewhere over the long weekend. Tootie is reading the paper when she excitedly announces that Michael Damian - squeal! - is performing at a hotel in Atlantic City, then suggests they make the trip and give his wretched singing some air time.
Jo and Blair arrive at the Atlantic City hotel, where they find signs advertising a waste disposal convention and Michael Damian's upcoming performances. Tootie makes her grand entrance decked out in fur and a feather hat so she can pretend to be a wealthy 21+ year old woman who's old enough to be gambling, while Jo tells Blair she's worried that the spark she had with Michael Damian last season will be all fizzled out. She wonders aloud, "What if he's a dud?", then suddenly worries about him deciding she's the dud. Blair assures her that that's not possible on account of how attractive, smart, and fun she is, and Jo happily mulls over that positive assessment before happily scampering off to look for Michael Damian.
Tootie is pretending to be a sophisticated, seasoned world traveler and casino regular when the dealer asks her if she wants chips and she deadpans, "No, I'm not hungry." When Natalie explains that by chips he means the round plastic things people use for betting, Tootie decides she's willing to put up her entire gambling budget of $25, aka the minimum amount of money gamblers need to spend that buys one chip. LOL. A few seconds later, the suspicious looking manager asks her for ID...and when she shows him a fake driver's license that would make her an Asian woman in her mid-40s, he politely tells her to take the chip and run along to the souvenir shop and buy herself something nice.
Michael Damian rushes past Jo and accidentally bumps into her before he turns around and mutters, "Oh no. Not you." Jo's like, "Er, OK..?" and awkwardly stammers a hello and pretends that she and the Facts gals came to Atlantic City to attend the waste disposal convention. He invites her to join him for a cup of coffee...and the two abandon Blair, who decides to play the slot machines and naturally wins the jackpot on her first try.
Michael Damian tells Jo he finished up his performances in Atlantic City and is about to jet off to England for his next big gig. Jo somehow refrains from laughing at the implausibility of that and suggests they get together later, but he declines 'cause he has a non-existent early morning meeting with record company executives, then abruptly gets up from the table and races off. Blair returns to the lounge with her purse filled with coins, and laments all the good luck she's cursed with in life. Jo suddenly realizes that Michael Damian forgot his glasses atop the table and rushes after him, while Tootie enters the lounge with a tall young man on her arm (Colin), who's sporting a hilariously fake mustache.
Michael Damian tells the waitress to do her best to get rid of the brunette he was talking to earlier, and when Jo overhears him she looks visibly crestfallen.
Blair continues to win every blackjack hand, while Jo stares despondently into space at the embarrassment of being blown off by a dud like Michael Damian.
Later, Jo, Tootie, and Natalie are seated in the lounge for the evening when Michael Damian bounds onto the stage and begins singing Tie a Yellow Ribbon. The gals are shocked at his transformation from cringey-to-watch rock and roll wannabe to hotel lounge singer...and once he finishes his set, he flees in shame. Blair rushes over to get advice on how to win back the $3,000 she just lost while gambling - but the gals don't offer much in the way of help and refuse to loan her any of their cash.
Michael Damian sheepishly returns to the lounge to face Jo, who admits that, yep, she just saw his grisly show. He tells her he's humiliated to be nothing more than a third-rate lounge singer - though third might be an over-estimate - just as Blair sneaks over to steal Natalie's purse so that she can gamble away her friends' money.
Natalie asks Blair how it's possible that she lost all of their money...and when Jo suggests she call her father to see if he's willing to replenish her supply, Blair says she already tried that, but was admonished by her daddy to act more like a responsible adult. She then introduces herself to the casino manager as a rich Warner and asks him to please give her a line of credit so she can win her money back...and when her pleas go nowhere, Michael Damian interjects to personally vouch for Blair. The manager's like, "I have no idea who the hell you are" - bwahahaha!! - and mockingly gives Blair a single dollar bill.
Jo chases after a red-faced Michael Damian, who insists he's an artist the hotel is oppressing by not permitting him to perform his cheese factory brand of "rock and roll".
In the next scene, Michael Damian takes the stage for his final set - but instead of launching straight into Tie a Yellow Ribbon, he natters about how he nearly forgot who he was until a friend helped him see the light. He then starts up with his latest pop song in his usual raspy-throaty fashion while squinting at the audience in - I can only guess - an effort to look like an edgy rocker...and the audience gets all into it and energetically bops on the dance floor. Colin admits to Tootie that he's under 21 and is wearing a fake mustache...and as Tootie has to sit down from the shock of that revelation, Jo gives Blair a quarter to play a slot machine one last time. Blair, in turn, hands the coin to a random woman, who puts it into the slot machine that instantly hits the jackpot...and Blair rushes back over, shoves the woman out of the way, and maniacally scoops up the giant pile of coins.
Recap: Blair is babysitting her infant sister Bailey while anxiously awaiting Mrs. Garrett's return from her Winnebago road trip with Beverly Ann so she can rush off to the Junior Entrepreneurs banquet to accept a plaque she's being awarded. As Blair rehearses her acceptance speech, Natalie and Tootie take turns amusing the baby in order to get her to stop mewling - but to no avail. Tootie urges Blair to leave Bailey in their care while she attends the banquet, but Blair points out that she's the only person [aside from the negligent Monica, who's currently vacationing in Bolivia] who can get her baby sister to stop fussing.
Mrs. Garrett calls from a payphone to report that she's at a rest stop in a remote corner of New Jersey and likely won't make it home in time to look after Bailey during the awards ceremony. Blair assures her it's A-OK and that she'll work something out...then tells the Facts gals they're all going to have to head over to the venue and keep their fingers crossed that Bailey doesn't cry too loudly during her feeding time, which is around the time Blair is scheduled to deliver her acceptance speech.
The Facts gals (plus Andy and Bailey) arrive at The Palaces, aka a grand old European style hotel that's scheduled for demolition. Blair wheels Bailey around the lobby in her carriage...and when an old woman hovers over the snoozing tot and remarks on how sweet she is, a stressed Blair snaps, "Touch her and die." LOL.
When the elevator opens, the Facts gang piles inside...and the commotion wakes Bailey, who starts crying again. Blair urges everyone to head up to the banquet room her while she stays behind to change the baby's diaper.
Blair catches the next elevator and wheels Bailey's carriage inside with the help of the friendly elevator operator named Sam, who coos about how darn cute her baby is. When the elevator comes to an abrupt stop a few seconds later, Sam breezily says it looks like "Bessy" is on the fritz again. He picks up the emergency phone, calls someone named Marge, and engages in some banal chitchat before informing her that he and a woman with a baby are currently stuck between floors and could probably use the aid of Harry the repairman.
The rest of the Facts castmates, meanwhile, are milling around outside the banquet room, wondering what could be keeping Blair. Andy rushes over and says he just learned that The Palaces is being torn down next week - just as Tootie notices that the elevator hasn't moved in the last several minutes and is likely stuck. Jo suddenly realizes it's 7pm, which is Bailey's feeding time...and somehow Andy has her bottle of formula. Natalie points out that if Blair doesn't emerge within the next minute or two, one of them is going to have to go onstage to accept her plaque...and Tootie eagerly volunteers and says she'd looooove to fill in and give a dramatic Oscar style acceptance speech.
Sam asks Blair about the plaque she's receiving, and Blair says it's for some entrepreneurial idea she came up with and is sooooo proud of herself for being on the cusp of corporate geniusness - but hastily adds that regardless of her career, she'd never neglect her little sister. Sam glances around and says that Harry can sometimes be difficult to track down, given his penchant for napping on the job...and a dismayed Blair picks up the emergency phone and snappishly orders Marge to send Harry over to the elevator pronto. When Marge responds by sobbing into the phone, Blair sheepishly asks her to please just do whatever she can whenever she feels like getting around to it. An amused looking Sam asks Blair what she has planned for her acceptance speech...and as she begins to recite it to him, she looks aghast when he rolls up his sleeve and reveals a concentration camp identification number tattooed on his forearm.
As Jo and Natalie continue to wait for Blair to emerge from the elevator, Sam sings to Bailey...but soon notices that Blair has caught sight of his arm tattoo. He tells her that, yep, he was imprisoned in a concentration camp during WWII, but that he's worked hard to put the horror of the Holocaust behind him after immigrating to the U.S. and building a manufacturing plant. Things in his life were going fine - until one day, while he was riding in a taxi, he was certain he saw his brother Carl walking down the street. By the time he was able to exit the cab, Carl had disappeared...and despite walking that street every day for the next month, he had no luck spotting him ever again. He subsequently went bankrupt launching an intensive search for Carl, then figured that since his brother loved to explore buildings with old style European architecture, it was only a matter of time before he stepped foot into The Palaces...which is why he spends his days working inside the decrepit Bessy.
Sam pulls out a poem that Carl wrote decades ago and says he carried it in his shoes for as long as he had shoes, then memorized it so he could write it down after the war. He reads it aloud for Blair, and she looks visibly touched by the words detailing the boys' pre-WWII family life and promises to slow her future corporate go-go-go lifestyle down in order to always make time for Bailey.
Marge calls Sam to report that Harry is on the case and should get Bessy moving soon - but by this time Blair is no longer in a rush and warmly tells Sam she's not one bit sorry about how her evening turned out.
When Blair finally emerges from the elevator, Tootie informs her that she delivered her acceptance speech in grand form, then hands her her plaque. Blair says she actually had quite a lovely time while stuck between floors, then shoots Sam a smile. She asks him how he feels about the imminent demolition of The Palaces, but Sam just shrugs unconcernedly and says he'll likely get a job as an usher at an old movie-house that Carl would, no doubt, frequent if he happens to be in the area...and with that said, Blair bids Bessy adieu and exits the hotel with Bailey and the rest of the Facts gang.
Recap: The Facts gals are sorting through the Peekskill High memorabilia they have in stock for the school's upcoming reunion when Andy rushes into the store clutching George Clooney's yearbook. He and the gals cackle over the lustful messages written by various female classmates who signed his Peekskill High yearbook, then chuckle heartily at the photo of a sideburns-sporting young George. George enters the store a few seconds later, chides Andy for showing the Facts gals his yearbook, and declares he's no longer planning to attend his high school reunion on account of his date cancelled on him...and he can't bring himself to face Belinda Michaels (aka the girl he crushed on and only got snubbed in return) without a blonde goddess on his arm to make her seethe with jealousy. Blair blushes and mutters, "Now don't rope me into this" ... but then decides she could use the opportunity to don a formal gown she's been meaning to break in. George perks up at that and is all, "Really..?" and Blair says that if his motive for revenge is based on the kind of shallow vindictiveness she suspects it is, then, yep, she's totes on board.
On reunion night, Blair descends the staircase decked out in a stylishly poofy black '80s gown - just as a dork named Jonathan arrives to escort her to the Governor's Ball. Blair stares back at him in perplexed horror before dashing into the coat closet (?), then pulls Jo in with her (mmm hmm) to confess that she completely forgot about her promise to Jonathan over a month ago to be his date for the Governor's Ball. When the two emerge from the closet, Blair decides to keep her word to Jonathan and leaves a phone message with George's father saying she can't make the reunion with him after all. Jo's all, "The fuck?" and asks how she could so callously dump George, and a mildly sheepish Blair says she'd somehow feel worse leaving Jonathan in the lurch, then runs out the door when the dork rudely honks his car horn at her.
Jo tells Natalie and Tootie that Blair had unwittingly booked two dates for the same evening and has left her to explain it to poor George. Tootie and Natalie are like, "Oh, bummer", then proceed to ogle photos of the more attractive boys in George's high school yearbook.
George arrives at the Over Our Heads residence decked out in a three-piece suit, and Natalie and Tootie wank him about how stunning he is and therefore doesn't actually need a date. He chuckles and asks where Blair is, and Tootie breaks it to him that Blair isn't coming - just as Jo lumbers down the staircase with her mullet looking more softly coiffed than usual and wearing a sparkly black dress she found in Blair's closet. George gushes about how great she looks, and Jo says that while she's not a blonde goddess, she's more than happy to fill in as his reunion date, and George is like, "Kewl!" and hands her a stack of notes that detail her phony life history in case his ex-classmates ask her where she's from and how they met. He adds that since the reunion is taking place in a Swiss restaurant he'd like her to "speak Swiss" to the waiters...and when Jo wryly tells him that no such language exists, he deadpans, "Can you yodel?" and Jo somehow refrains from responding with a firm yodel-ay-hee-no.
George arrives at the reunion with Jo, who's nervously trying to memorize the fake bio notes. They check in with Howie, universally known as Peekskill High's biggest loudmouth, to whom George introduces his "fiancee" as Whitney Worthington, aka a royal duchess. As a dismayed Jo's all, "The fuck? I'm a duchess now?", Howie looks humbled to be in the presence of royalty, then quickly roams around the room to spread the gossip.
A heavyset friend named Crusher wanders over to give George a giant bear hug, and George brags about how his home supply store chain has turned him into a business magnate...in, uh, Canada, which is probably why no one in Peekskill has ever heard of it. He then decides that his duchess fiancee is also a musician - prompting Jo to stammer that she owns the Phil Harmonic - then puts his foot in his mouth when he reminisces about a slutty gal named Doreen he used to meet up with in the locker room before Crusher stonily informs him that Doreen is now his wife.
When it girl Belinda Michaels makes her grand entrance, Jo remarks on how gorgeous she is. George instructs Jo to act as if she adores him, then gives her a forcible Hollywood type kiss while traveling across the floor so that they can "accidentally" bump into Belinda. He introduces her to "Whitney", and Belinda reverently says she heard all about his royal fiancee and addresses Jo as 'Your Grace'. When George asks how her life is going, she breezily says it's fine and that her husband is on a business trip...then politely listens as George bloviates about the fictional account of how he and "Whitney" met: during a safari in Timbuktu when she administered a life-saving treatment after he fell ill. Belinda says she's genuinely happy for them, curtsies to Jo, and ambles off. Jo remarks on what a truly nice woman Belinda appears to be, but George scoffs and says she enjoyed torturing teenage boys with her hot popularity, then wonders aloud if she ever regretted never agreeing to go out with him.
Belinda wanders over to Jo for an amicable chat, and the two agree that high school reunions can be very weird. Belinda reveals that she had a major crush on George Clooney during senior year, but never acted on it 'cause the boy-whore was simultaneously dating three of her gal pals at the time. She confides that her ex-husband looks a lot like George - but ended up being an annoying workaholic who never quite had the youthful spirit that embodies George. A few seconds later, George steers Jo onto the dance floor, where Jo fills him in about how Belinda crushed on him in high school and even married a guy (she's now split from) who looked a lot like him. She then points out the painfully obvious: that he could have just attended this reunion without making a total arse of himself by lying about having a fiancee who's a doctor/duchess/Phil Harmonic owner, and George stares despondently into space as he acknowledges how badly he screwed the pooch while trying to Belinda's heart. Again.
Jo stops Belinda as she's about to exit the restaurant and announces that she just turned down George's proposal 'cause she'd rather not lose her royal perks by marrying a commoner...then is all, "Oh by the way, George really likes you." She then urges George to dance with Belinda...and as Belinda and George get re-re-acquainted on the dance floor, Blair bursts in and brashly introduces herself to Belinda as George's fiancee before covertly explaining to Jo that she arranged for Jonathan to be shoved into the trunk of his car so she could flee the Governor's Ball. Seems like kind of an extreme action, but OK. Jo updates her on Situation George and Belinda - just as Natalie and Tootie arrive as faux Peekskill High alums to needlessly confuse the situation further. The four attempt to hatch a ridiculous story that could explain how George came to have two fiancees - but Belinda tells them it isn't necessary 'cause George has finally come clean about everything. And since she's opted to not run screaming in the opposite direction, she invites the four Facts gals to join her and George for coffee...and Jo looks into the idea, but swiftly declines when she spots George shaking his head in horror at the prospect. LOL.
A disheveled Jonathan stumbles into the restaurant after being locked in his trunk, and Blair's all, "Ack!" and ducks under the nearest table.
Recap: Jo brings a batch of newly baked peanut butter cookies into the store and asks Blair to test taste one...and Blair tentatively takes a bite and chews with no seeming ability to swallow the large morsel. Tootie, meanwhile, returns home and rails at Natalie about the terrible review she just got for her latest play performance, and Natalie urges her to use the brutal constructive criticism to better hone her craft. Andy arrives with the mail, which includes a letter from Mrs. Garrett that has her peanut butter cookie recipe enclosed...and it turns out that Jo put 12 cups instead of 1/2 cup of peanut butter into the cookie batter, which seems implausibly stupid to say the least, but OK.
Tootie wonders if maybe she should get into the business end of showbiz and become a talent agent - just as an exuberant looking young man enters the store and flirtily chats her up. When she offers him one of Jo's inedible cookies, he gets into the kind of overacted, cheeseball comedic schtick mode that '80s sitcoms made really painful to watch as he retorts that "real men don't eat cookies" and that he'd rather she offer him something manly, like a hard piece of bread or year-old licorice. He eventually decides on a cup of coffee, jesting about how "real men" only carry dirty money (?). He finally introduces himself as Robert Davis...and after chortling at his [mediocre at best] comedic skills, Natalie tells him he really should pursue a career as a comedian. Robert says he's contemplated that in the past and had a choice to get an MBA and become a rich banker, or go the artistic route and eke out a living as a starving comedian...and [wisely] chose the MBA. Tootie tells him she's just decided to walk away from "the spotlight" after being called out on her shittastic acting abilities - but that he should not do the same because of how naturally funny and talented he is. Robert's like, "Nah, I'm good", then needlessly slips into a schtick about coffee drinking before announcing that he's off to the library.
Tootie tells Natalie it's almost criminal that Robert feels like he should go into something safe like business administration when he clearly has so much raw talent. She decides she's going to take it upon herself to change the course of this complete stranger's life history by running after him and convincing him to pursue a long-shot career as a comedian - just as Jo and Blair emerge from the kitchen with second batch of inedible peanut butter cookies.
Tootie hauls Robert back to Over Our Heads and offers to be his agent...and when he's like, "What the hell do you know about being an agent?", she tells him she has loads of fresh and perky ideas to "package" his image, aka changing his name to something like Bob-O or Rob-O. Robert asks Tootie why she's getting so involved in his life - right?? - so she says it's obvious he has talent and that she "knows people" who could help launch his funnyman career once they've seen him perform in a showcase that she plans to haphazardly throw together inside the store. Robert mulls that over and promises to think about it.
Tootie gets on the phone and asks the operator for Johnny Carson's number - just as Natalie returns home and reports that she's plastered posters for Robert's upcoming showcase all over town. She raves about what a raging success it's going to be...and when Jo expresses doubt that any of this is a good idea, Blair suggests enforcing "a two cookie minimum" to save them from having to throw the baked dreck into the nearest dumpster.
Later, Tootie is bummed that she can't convince anyone important to attend the show (shocker) and can't seem to book Robert on even the lamest local TV or radio show. She then glances at the newspaper and notices that Jim McCawley, comedy talent coordinator for The Tonight Show, is currently in New York State visiting his parents. She excitedly grabs the phone book and goes straight to M for McCawley.
An enthusiastic crowd has gathered inside Over Our Heads for Robert's comedic showcase, and after stalling long enough "to build excitement", Natalie finally introduces the opening act: Sonny Delveccio, a juggler of produce. As this is happening, a less than thrilled looking Jim McCawley arrives and is greeted by Tootie, who gushes about his ability to spot talent...and he's just like, "Yeah, whatever. I'm here." LOL.
Tootie finds Robert in the living room, suddenly too nervous to go onstage. He tells her he had a shot in a comedy club last year and was unanimously declared not funny, but Tootie breezily says the audience was probably of the dead variety and reminds him he now has a whole new outlook. Natalie pops in to inform Tootie that the juggled food is starting to go bad, and Robert says he's ready to perform and keep his fingers crossed that he doesn't bomb as craptastically as he did last time.
Robert takes the stage and launches into a schtick that includes making fun of the way people order off of menus, recounting how he was one of the first black kids to enrol in the snooty prep school he attended, and the hilarity of what would happen if uptight rich folk ever tried to perform a rap song. After he wraps it up, the audience woots and cheers - except for Jim McCawley, who's just staring blankly into space, much to the dismay of Tootie.
Tootie wanders over to Jim and apologizes for the lacklustre reaction he had to her client - but he tells her that, on the contrary, he quite enjoyed the performance. He explains that because he sees dozens of comedians perform every week, he can rarely bring himself to laugh aloud anymore...but insists that he found Robert on the 'somewhat amusing' side. Tootie perks up at that assessment and asks if this could translate to Robert being booked on The Tonight Show, but Jim chuckles heartily and says that Robert's way too green and needs plenty of seasoning before he can even hope to enter the big leagues. When Robert wanders over a few seconds later, Jim tells him he did a terrific job and that he plans to keep an eye on his career - but makes it clear that right now he's nowhere near ready for a coveted spot on Johnny's show. After he exits the store, Robert tells Tootie he's thrilled by that positive-ish review - but she sourly shakes her head and says she's definitely not cut out to be an agent and wants to leap back onto the acting side. Robert's like, "Kewl!", then shows her the dollar tip he got from someone in the audience...and Tootie starts haggling with him about what percentage of that dollar she's entitled to as his agent.
Recap: Mrs. Garrett is bustling around the store, doing some last minute packing before she jets off to her sister's place to cheer her up after her recent divorce. She frets about leaving the Facts gals on their own, but they assure her they'll be fine, given that they're four fully grown women...and Mrs. Garrett decides she's OK leaving them alone for a few days before heading out to pick up her dry cleaning.
A good looking man wanders into Over Our Heads and introduces himself to the gals as Detective Scott from the Peekskill Police Department and says he's been tipped off about an illegal transaction that, word on the street, is supposed to go down in their shop later today. Blair's all, "Wuh?" and says that their shop isn't "that type of place", but Scott points out that it's in a convenient location and attracts a large spectrum of the public, so is therefore the perfect venue for shady dealings. He adds that he has photo IDs of the buyers and is hoping they don't mind it if he stakes out the store so he can arrest the unsuspecting perps once the goods are exchanged. When Natalie and Tootie express horror at being thrust in the middle of a police action, Scott assures them that there's nothing to worry about and urges them to discuss it with Blair and Jo. The gals have a quick huddle, during which Tootie worries that a gunfight could deflate their largely inflatable inventory - LOL - while Jo says they should fulfill their civic duty and help the hot cop. When the vote looks to be a tie, Blair abstains from voting so that Mrs. Garrett doesn't have to be brought in as the tie-breaker, and Jo happily tells Scott that Operation Stake Out Over Our Heads is a go.
Scott radios his partner Kate to give her an update...and Jo looks bummed about him having a female partner until he clarifies that Kate is married [not to him]. Scott asks Natalie for advice on how he can best blend in at Over Our Heads and says he has a lot of past experience with undercover work - and Blair interjects and tells him that smitten Jo will be more than happy to show him the ropes.
Mrs. Garrett returns with her dry cleaning and looks confused by the presence of Detective Scott pretending to be a clerk. The Facts gals tell her he'll be helping them out while she's at her sister's...and that his walkie-talkie is actually a gum dispenser. After Tootie hastily steers Mrs. Garrett out of the store, Scott correctly assumes that they didn't want to worry the old lady about the stakeout, then heads out to the police van to fetch his surveillance equipment.
Later, Scott has installed a not-so-subtle camera behind the cash register to "monitor the bad guys" while Blair covertly advises Jo to just ask him out already. Tootie is holding Scott's walkie-talkie when George Clooney stumbles upon the police van parked outside and can be heard hitting on Detective Kate, and Tootie and the rest of the Facts gals giggle heartily when Kate makes it clear that she has zero interest in going out with him. A few seconds later, George enters the store and brags about how some chick was all over him just now...and the gals laughingly inform him that he just tried to pick up a married cop. Detective Scott then introduces himself, and the gals explain to George that Scott is conducting a stakeout, and that he needs to keep Mrs. Garrett from getting wind of what's going on so she doesn't stress out about leaving them alone.
Mrs. Garrett asks whassup with the newly installed video camera behind the cash register, so Tootie tells her it's a phone...and that it has a half-off sign slung over it 'cause it only makes local calls. Har har. As Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face confusedly, Jo distracts her by asking George Clooney to help her with her luggage.
Detective Kate radios to warn that the perps are on their way...and by perps she means a well dressed elderly couple who enters the store a few seconds later and shiftily glances around. Natalie tells the other Facts gals it has to be a mistake 'cause of how cute and old they are, and Scott tells them all to shut it 'cause he doesn't want Ma and Pa Kettle to suspect something that'll scare them off from going through with the money-illegal goods exchange and prevent him from making an arrest.
Natalie and Tootie approach the couple (whose names we soon learn are Sarah and Max), urge them to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee, and try to warn them on the down-low that they're being surveilled - until Scott wanders over and tells them to knock it off if they don't want to get charged with obstructing police business and spend a year in prison. Jo asks Scott what illegal goods are expected to change hands...and when he tells her they're counterfeit bus passes, an incredulous Natalie's all, "The fuck? You're on a stakeout for fake bus passes?!" Scott's like, "Well, d'yuh" and points out that they've cost the transit authority 200K - just as Andy runs in clutching a wad of cash and loudly announcing that he just won $12 in a football pool. When the Facts gals tell him that Scott's a police detective who's into cracking down on petty crime, he's all, "Oops!" and pretends he's going straight to the local rescue mission to donate his winnings. He then wanders over to Sarah and Max to offer them more coffee, and they call him adorable and wistfully remark on how they never get to see their grandchildren 'cause of how expensive it is for them to travel. Natalie proceeds to lay it on thick about the importance of grandparents being role models, and an irked Scott once again tells her to shut it.
Sarah tells Max she's worried about going through with the money-illegal goods exchange, and Max mulls that over and decides they should prolly stay on the right side of the law and go home sans bus passes. When Scott barks, "Hold it!", Natalie points out that he has no authority to detain them...and he mulls that over before reluctantly acknowledging that she's right, and allows the two to exit the store. Detective Kate radios Scott to inform him that the bus pass scofflaw is a block away...and he's all, "Oooh nooo! He'll be expecting to see a white haired woman wearing a red hat!" Jo decides that the best course of action would be to pull Mrs. Garrett into the ridiculous mission and make the perp think he's actually supposed to meet a red-haired woman wearing a white hat, and Scott flirtily applauds her ingenuity and decides that this revised plan might just be crazy enough to work.
Jo quickly briefs Mrs. Garrett about the stakeout, then tells her that Detective Scott needs her to fill in as a buyer of illegal goods. A few seconds later, an old man wearing a pinstriped suit walks in, glances confusedly at Mrs. Garrett and says, "Wasn't it supposed to be white hair with a red hat?" Jo says he's merely confused about the agreed-upon hair/hat colours...and after some banter about how Blair and Jo are flanking the old lady as pseudo bodyguards to make sure that nothing bad happens to her, Mr. Pinstripe pulls out a couple of bus passes while demanding the cash. As soon as Blair hands it over, Detective Scott rushes over and places him under arrest before needlessly explaining that Mrs. Garrett and the Facts gals were part of his stakeout operation. Scott then flirtily asks Jo if she knows of any good places to eat and asks if he can call her up sometime, and she beams and replies, "Yes and yes."
The Facts gals chuckle about how the cop got the perp and Jo got the guy, while a disapproving Mrs. Garrett sternly says they have a lot of explaining to do.
Recap: Tootie is eagerly waiting for the mailman to make his daily delivery...and when he finally arrives, she grabs the mail out of his hands, excitedly opens an envelop addressed to her, and waves around her new learner's permit. She tells the other Facts gals how honored she is for them to be sharing this special moment with her, then asks Blair if she can borrow her fancy luxury car in order to practice her driving skills. Blair shoots back, "Not on your life" ... and when Tootie looks expectantly at Jo, Jo points out that her only mode of transportation is a motorcycle. Natalie reminds Tootie that Mrs. Garrett has a Volkswagen she might let her borrow - just as Mrs. Garrett and Andy enter the room to complain that Peekskill has banned all front lawn displays of pink flamingos. Blair agrees that, yep, they do look trashy, while Jo takes offence and says that their trashiness is what makes them uniquely American. Andy suggests they create a loophole to the new ban by painting their stock of flamingos blue and then keep their fingers crossed that the city officials don't notice...which they do and subsequently ban as well, and that's all I'm going to say 'bout this mindless subplot that later involves Andy gluing fun fur to a batch of repurposed blue flamingos.
Tootie shows Mrs. Garrett her learner's permit and not-so-subtly hints that she'd really love to borrow her car...and Mrs. Garrett says she's A-OK with that, as long as she promises to be extremely careful. Tootie then glances around the room at the other Facts gals and says she's going to need a licensed driver to actually be in the vehicle with her, and in response...
When Tootie guilts them about being so dickish about helping her in her hour of need, they sheepishly agree to pitch in and show her the ropes of driving...and once Tootie is out of earshot, Jo, Blair, and Natalie flip a coin to see who has to go first as Natalie mutters, "Please don't let it be me."
In the next scene, Tootie and Natalie are sitting in Mrs. Garrett's yellow Volkswagen, parked inside the garage. Natalie tells Tootie that before she can even turn the key in the ignition, she must go through a daily inspection checklist to ensure that the tires are properly inflated, the doors are locked, and the rearview mirrors are perfectly adjusted. When an impatient Tootie reacts by starting the engine, Natalie snappishly orders her to turn it off.
During lesson #2, Jo is sitting in the passenger seat, listing for Tootie the major systems of an automobile...and as she natters on and on about how the fuel system works, an increasingly despondent Tootie rolls her eyes and slinks deeper into her seat.
During lesson #3, Blair points at various things on the dashboard and refers to them as "doo-hickies", then talks about the importance of practicing shifting gears using the clutch. When Tootie points out that this car has an automatic transmission, a surprised looking Blair says in that case she can go ahead and take the first step towards some actual driving experience by sticking the key into the ignition.
During lesson #4, Mrs. Garrett schools Tootie on how important it is to keep looking to the left and to the right while driving so that she's always aware of potential dangers.
Andy is now in the passenger seat, going over the driver's manual with Tootie and quizzing her on what various road signs mean. Eventually, Tootie gets so fed up with all of the 'hands off' lessons she's been getting up until now that she defiantly starts the engine. Andy's all, "Ack! I'm not a licensed driver!" and jumps out of the car...and as soon as Natalie jumps in his place, Tootie hits the gas and squeals out of the garage.
In the next scene, Tootie returns home in shame after failing her first driver's test. LOL.
Tootie spends the next few weeks fervently studying for driver's test #2 and making the other Facts gals quiz her. Natalie urges her to not stress so much and breezily declares that everyone fails their test the first time...to which Blair and Jo bitchily retort that neither of them ever failed it. Tootie says she's determined to be over-prepared and has scheduled her test for later that day.
Tootie tells Mrs. Garrett she'll need her Volkswagen later to take her second driver's test, and Mrs. Garrett looks aghast and says she can't 'cause she brought it into the shop for some [non-existent] repairs. A pissed off Tootie's all, "The fuck? Why did you do that?" and Jo glares over at her and barks at her to take it easy. When Mrs. Garrett suggests to Tootie that she borrow Blair's car, Blair bursts out laughing and tells Tootie it's not [just] that she would never trust her to drive her 40K Porsche, it has a manual transmission, which she's never driven before. A deflated Tootie asks Natalie what she plans to do to help her very best friend in the world, and Natalie stares into space and asks no one in particular, "Where am I going to get a car?"
Natalie's solution to the problem is to loan Tootie her employer's hearse while hiding in the back next to an empty coffin 'cause she told her employer she was taking it out to a car wash and promised not to let it out of her sight.
The driving instructor climbs into the passenger seat and looks visibly weirded out that he's going to be conducting Tootie's driving test in a hearse. Tootie tells him she'll be soooo embarrassed if she fails a second time, then turns on the engine and pulls into the street. After a few minutes, the instructor tells her she's doing fine, but urges her to speed up to something approaching the legal speed limit. When the car phone rings, Tootie answers it...and naturally it's someone calling for Natalie, who sticks her arm out from behind the curtain to grab the phone. She then pops her head out and tells the instructor to just pretend she's not here, and he responds by ordering Tootie to pull over so they can drop off Natalie 'cause the law is that no one else is supposed to be present inside the car during a driver's test. Natalie argues that dropping her off would be a safety issue, given that they're currently driving through the slums of Peekskill...and after a contentious back and forth, the beleaguered instructor agrees to let her stay as long as she remains in the back and doesn't make a sound. Tootie then continues with the test, and for some inane reason keeps sticking her hand out the window to either wave at or manually signal to other drivers. LOL.
When the car phone rings a second time, it's the hearse owner asking Natalie to make a pickup. When the instructor glares at Natalie, she tells the owner it would be too inconvenient to run an errand at the moment and abruptly hangs up - just as Tootie spots a family stranded on the side of the road after their car broke down and decides it would be an appropriate time for her to pull over and offer them all a ride to the nearest gas station.
The family squeezes themselves into the front seat next to Tootie and the irked instructor, who orders Tootie to further demonstrate her driving ability by making a u-turn at the next lights...which can't possibly be a legal manoeuvre for any motorist to be doing at a controlled intersection, but OK.
Tootie returns home and happily announces that, as much as it strains the boundaries of credulity, she passed her driving test! Natalie bursts in and says she has to return the hearse to the funeral parlour post-haste, and Tootie happily chirps, "I'll drive!" as the two scamper out the door.
Recap: Blair's soon-to-be-born sister is narrating the events of the day before her birth, which happens to be Christmas Eve. Jo is hurriedly wrapping the various ill-thought-out gifts she bought her loved ones at the last minute (e.g. a laughing bag for her dad, singing socks for Natalie) when Blair arrives with her eight months pregnant mother, Monica, who's lumbering in tow. Mrs. Garrett offers Monica some of her special Christmas cookies - but Blair objects and says she insists that her mom eat a healthier alternative, like yogurt.
Later, as Monica and Blair are trimming the tree, Monica tries to sneak a candy cane - but Blair promptly snatches it out of her hand, breaks it in half, and lectures her about overdoing it with the sugar. She then waxes on about how amaaaaaaazing it is to be able to spend a quiet holiday together this year, but Monica makes a meh face and says she really really misses all the festive galas she normally attends during the holidays and is bummed about being marooned in a shitty town like Peekskill. LOL.
The Facts cast excitedly opens their gifts as George Clooney puts on Christmas music and invites Monica to gently boogie with him. A few seconds later, Monica gasps, doubles, over, and announces that she's suddenly in labor...and everyone decides they're A-OK cancelling their individual Christmas plans in order to wait around the Peekskill hospital until she delivers her spawn.
The Facts gang arrives at the Peekskill hospital, which Blair snootily complains is rinky-dink compared to the luxuriousness to which Monica is accustomed. Mrs. Garrett assures her that everything will be fine...and Blair vows to have as positive an attitude as she can muster, but then scrunches her face in dismay when she checks in with the inept hospital clerk to begin the paperwork.
In mid-labor, Monica shriekingly demands meds, then wonders why in blazes she ever thought it'd be a good idea to have a baby at her age. When Blair rushes into the room to see whassup with all the shrieking, the doctor assures her her mom is fine...then says he's off to stuff his face at the Christmas potluck in the staff lounge, and will make a reappearance closer to the delivery time. As Blair and Monica commiserate about the shittiness of this small town hospital, Jo arrives with Monica's suitcase and a little Christmas tree to cheer up the room. Blair urges her mom to breathe deep cleansing breaths and think about pleasant pursuits (e.g. shopping), causing Monica to bark, "I hate you!" before immediately apologizing for everything she's about to blurt out in response to enduring the unbearable pain of childbirth.
Hours later, Blair emerges from Monica's room to complain to the Facts gals that her mom is being irrational, won't breathe deeply along with her, and keeps growling 'I hate you'. Mrs. Garrett assures her that her mom doesn't mean anything she's saying right now, then agrees to say a prayer for the spawn's safe delivery. Blair says she might also do that herself, despite not having talked to God in a very loooooong time and pretty much only whenever she needs something of a divine intervention nature.
Andy arrives at the hospital dressed up as a tiny Santa with a bag of gift-wrapped toiletries for the Facts gals. When he bellows, "Merry Christmas!", the bleary-eyed gals open their "gifts" and thank him for the much needed toothbrushes and mouthwash. A few seconds later, Blair emerges from the delivery room in scrubs to giddily announce that she has a new baby sister. She thanks everyone for needlessly sleeping in the waiting room all night, and urges them to go home and get some rest before visiting hours begin. After a happy group hug, Tootie carries on about the joyousness of receiving the gift of a new baby on Christmas Day, and Blair gushes about how beautiful she is.
As Monica cradles her newborn daughter, she asks Blair what she should name her...and Blair suggests naming her Bailey after grandpa (presumably not the KKK segregationist one who was posthumously shamed in Season 3's Legacy episode). Blair hears the Facts gang begin to sing The First Noel in front of the hospital room's glass window...so she opens the blinds, then carries her tiny sister over to the window so that everyone can continue carolling whilst smiling serenely at the infant.