Recap: The Facts gang arrives in Sydney, Australia...and when they exit the airport terminal with a mountain of luggage (which I'll assume mostly belongs to Blair), they anxiously look around for their ride. An exhausted Blair says she'd prefer to call a limo, and Andy decides to take control of the situation by approaching a random man wandering towards the airport entrance to ask him if he could be of assistance...and naturally the man replies back in intelligible Aussie-speak while looking oblivious to Andy's confused expression before continuing on his way. A few seconds later, a shuttle bus pulls up, and a group of young women rush over to the Facts gang, apologize for being late, and introduce themselves as the delegation from the Koolunga School, aka Eastland's Australian sister school. The leader of the group, Carrie Carstairs, remarks on how they all look too old (save for Andy) to be Eastland students [or to still be living with a housemother], so the Facts gang explains that even though they all graduated from high school many years ago, someone thought it made sense to finance a trip for all of them to fly across the globe just so that Natalie can deliver a short speech at a high school assembly as an Eastland alum. Carrie introduces them to each member of the Koolunga School delegation, then urges everyone to climb aboard the shuttle bus 'cause they have a ferry to catch.

While en route to the ferry station, Carrie tells the Facts gang about all the fun activities they can enjoy while in Australia, then points out that they're driving by Bondi Beach when the shuttle drives past. Blair cranes her neck in various directions...and when Jo snarlingly asks her what the hell she's doing, she explains that she's looking for jewelry shops. Andy, meanwhile, chats up one of the Koolunga students, Jane Willis, and she reacts by telling him to take it easy with the flirtitude 'cause he literally just stepped foot in her country a few minutes ago.

The shuttle bus pulls up to the Kirribilli Ferry Station, and Carrie urges everyone to sprint across the street 'cause the ferry's about to depart. The gang awkwardly hurries while clutching their large suitcases as they race toward the boat, causing Beverly Ann to spill the contents of one of her suitcases all over the ground...and it remains unclear why they couldn't just wait for the next ferry, assuming the thing runs at least every hour. Once they're on board, Tootie gushes to Natalie about how super excited she is to discover this new land, and Natalie hammily says she's already discovered all that matters about Australia, aka the country that produced Mel Gibson - who, I'll grant her, was extremely dreamy in his pre-nutty '80s heyday.

Andy continues to chat it up with Jane Willis, and she looks as though she's deciding whether or not she can withstand any more of his incessant nattering.

Blair and Jo spot the very distinctive Sydney Opera House and remark on its awesomeness...and a ferry rider who's eavesdropping on their conversation weighs in with his thoughts on the expensive-to-build landmark, then introduces himself as Inspector Kevin Colton. He says he hails from a family that's lived in Australia for many decades...which, considering the country's history, could very well mean that his ancestors were thieves or cutthroats. He then gazes toward the ferry station they're rapidly approaching and tells the gals that awaiting him are three thugs, one of whom is Nick Aintree, an infamous jewel thief. He says they've never gotten the goods to arrest Aintree until now, then holds up a packet and says it contains a tape recorder with evidence of Aintree's crimes. He grimly remarks, "That trio could make it a bit dodgy" and says he figured he'd be "greeted" by Aintree and his minions at the ferry station to steal the recording device. Jo asks if they can help him in any way, and he's like, "Oh no, I'd never involve civilians in an active police operation - hmm...or would I?", and asks if they'd like to work undercover for a few hours. Blair perks up at the prospect of being pulled into an inane caper while on holiday, so Kevin slips his packet into Jo's bag while Blair gives him the address of their vacation house.

As the passengers exit the ferry, Kevin saunters over to the dodgy trio, while the camera pans over to the Facts gals as they struggle with all their luggage to cross a long bridge (!) and a mountain of stone steps to reach their vacation house. 

As the Facts gang gets settled into their new digs, Blair pulls Jo into a private room and asks her if they should tell the others about the jewel thief caper Kevin Colton just roped them into, then blushingly admits that she's kinda hot for Kevin and rather likes the fact that he comes from a well established Australian family. 

That evening, the Facts gang heads to an outdoor buffet place where everyone cooks their own steaks...and as Blair and Jo are grilling their meat, Nick Aintree wanders over to Jo and asks, "Mind if I put another shrimp on the barbie?" Jo asks him if Aussies actually utter that stereotypical Crocodile Dundee-inspired catchphrase during the course of regular conversation, and he jokes about how he heard it "on the telly". Natalie assumes that Nick is nothing more than a cute guy who randomly decided to flirt with Jo and blurts out the address of their vacation house so that he can court her properly, and this prompts Jo and Blair to exchange worried glances.

At bedtime, Tootie tells Natalie that she's soooooo excited about them flying to the Outback tomorrow for a brief getaway, while Natalie's just like 'meh' about the upcoming trip and bids goodnight to her Mel Gibson poster.

Jo keeps watch by the window, while Blair says that she also can't sleep 'cause she's worried that Nick Aintree will show up to steal Kevin's recording device. Jo tells her that she stashed it in an undisclosed hiding spot and won't share any further details with her for her own protection, and Blair points out that Nick really doesn't seem like "the cutthroat kind" and that it's obvious that she (Jo) is totes smitten with him.

At dawn, Nick Aintree skulks around the Facts gang's vacation house before he picks the lock of the front door and lets himself in. He enters the foyer and trips a wire that's attached to several suitcases, which come tumbling atop him and proceed to knock him unconscious. Jo and Blair hear the commotion and rush over, confirm that he's still breathing, and tie up his hands and feet before dragging him into their bedroom. They pull his wallet from his pocket and are all, "Ack!" when it contains a card identifying him as a police inspector...and they both stare quizzically at each other while wondering that if Nick Aintree is a cop, then who the hell is Kevin Colton?

After the commercial break, Jo spills to Blair that she hid Kevin's recording device at the bottom of Natalie's backpack without giving her any kind of head's up - a monumentally stupid decision, not least 'cause Natalie is currently en route to the Outback and has no idea that she's lugging around something of great importance to both law enforcement and a gang of criminals. When Nick finally regains consciousness, Jo's all 'what the fuck?' about him breaking into their house, so he weakly explains that when Natalie gave him their address he figured it was an open invitation to commit a break-in any time he wanted. He then tells them he's a police inspector and that his officers photographed the two of them departing the ferry with Kevin Colton, who he describes as "a slick jewel thief". He explains that he's on the hunt for a very large (and therefore very heavy), rare opal worth several hundred thousand dollars he's pretty sure Kevin stole...then warns that if he concludes that they were acting as Kevin's accomplices, he'd have no choice but to drag them through the country's infamous justice system. Jo tells him he's free to search the house for the opal, and Nick spends a few seconds poking around the bedroom, but then quickly deduces that if she's this willing to let him search the place, the opal is most likely not here. 

Tootie and Natalie are on a plane en route to Ayers Rock, and Natalie remarks on how heavy her backpack suddenly seems - like it's filled with rocks! - but then just shrugs it off and refrains from spending the few seconds it would take to solve the mystery of how her bag became significantly heavier than it was a day ago. 

While strolling around the city center, Blair makes a beeline over to a jewelry store to shop for opals, while Jo finds the nearest pay phone and leaves a message at Hotel Outback for Natalie to call her this evening 'cause she stupidly stashed something in her backpack that she desperately needs back. Unbeknownst to her, Kevin is eavesdropping on the call...and unbeknownst to Kevin, Nick is surveilling him as he eavesdrops on Jo. Oh what a tangled web this cop and jewel thief weave.

Tootie and Natalie arrive at Hotel Outback to check in, and the front desk clerk tells Natalie that she got a call from Jo to call her back later and that it's very very important. 

Nick comes up behind Jo and Blair in the city center and is all, "Surprise!" as he hands each of them a rose, then explains that after he let himself into their vacation house (!), he learned from a day planner they left laying around that they'd be spending the morning shopping. 

While ambling around a zoo, Andy tells Beverly Ann that he's been contemplating his future and has come to the random-seeming conclusion that he might like to become a sheep farmer. Beverly Ann's like, "What an unbelievable coincidence, 'cause I have an old friend named Roger who moved to Australia decades ago to run his family's sheep ranch." Andy perks up at that and asks her if 1) Roger was her boyfriend, and 2) she'd be willing to call him up after all these years so that he can learn all he can about sheep farming...and Beverly Ann confirms that 1) yes, Roger was once her beau, and 2) she's totes open to arranging a (possibly romantic) reunion.

Kevin invites Jo and Blair to join him for lunch...and they're like 'sure, why not have lunch with this alleged jewel thief who broke into our house?', and the three seat themselves on the patio of an outdoor restaurant. Kevin explains to the gals that he broke into their house earlier to search for his recording device but couldn't find it, and Blair glares at him suspiciously and points out that if he were really a police inspector he could arrest them for withholding evidence. Jo informs him that Nick Aintree, who also claims to be a police inspector, warned them about him being the criminal, and Kevin chuckles nervously at that and says that if "Inspector Aintree" were to get possession of his recording device he'd promptly disappear somewhere within his criminal organization. He orders the gals to return his recording device, otherwise he'll be forced to arrest them for co-conspiring with a known jewel thief. A few seconds later, Nick Aintree wanders over to their table and invites himself to join them for lunch, and an unfazed looking Kevin smarmily toasts the loveliness of Jo and Blair, who stare confusedly into space as they wonder which of the two men is the police inspector and which is the jewel thief...despite, one can only assume, it being a fairly simple matter for a legitimate police inspector to prove his credentials beyond simply flashing an ID badge.

While en route to Roger's sheep ranch town via train, Beverly Ann tells Andy that when she called Roger to say hey, he had been so delighted to hear from her that he invited them to drop by his farm pronto and also stay for dinner. She stares dreamily into space and wonders aloud what he looks like after all these years...and as soon as the train pulls into the station, Roger awaits them on the platform, looking pretty good for a guy who was Beverly Ann's ex-flame decades ago. He gives her a big hug and kiss, and says g'day to Andy and that he'd be more than happy to teach him everything he can about sheep farming.

While en route to the ranch, Andy peppers Roger with questions about sheep farming, and Roger tells him he runs the ranch with just the help of Willie and Tom. Andy offers to shut up and save his many questions for Willie and Tom, but Roger chuckles and says that that might not work out so well, given that they're his sheep-herding dogs. Hee!

Out in the Outback, Natalie says she just wants to take photos of Ayers Rock, while Tootie says she'd like to actually explore the famous sandstone formation...and so the two go their separate ways.

As Roger pulls up to his ranch house, he gives Beverly Ann and Andy a heads up that his "lovely Gwen" is eagerly awaiting their arrival...and Beverly Ann's all, "Huh? Gwen?", but is soon relieved when she learns that Gwen is Roger's grown daughter.  

Jo suggests to Blair that they could always drop in at police headquarters to learn which of their two lunch dates is the actual cop [a solid idea], but then decide they'd much rather spend the afternoon at the Aquarium [also a solid idea]. Kevin's like, "Hey - sounds like fun!" and invites himself along, citing the smittenness that's clearly raging between him and Blair. As Blair blushingly gushes about what a cool idea that is, Nick invites himself to tag along as Jo's date.

Over in Ayers Rock, an elderly Indigenous man hands a large, hand-carved flute type instrument to David Johnson, a doctorate professor from Yale who's in Australia on some kind of academic sabbatical. David then wanders over to a more private part of the Rock, takes off his dress shirt, and blows into the giant flute - just as Tootie happens to hike by. She hears his flute noises, waves up at him, and asks him if he speaks English...and if so, could he direct her to the Cave of Women? When David mutely nods yes in response to both questions, Tootie marvels at his leisurely enjoyment of life as he sits alone on a rock and plays his flute, then wistfully remarks, "If only we in the west could approach life in that carefree way." If only we could, Tootie. If only we could.
​
Natalie is photographing Ayers Rock, along with a group of other tourists, when she asks a cute Aussie standing next to her (Ren Calley) if he wouldn't mind snapping her picture with the Rock in the background. He indulges her, then gets drawn into some friendly chit-chat about how he and his family run a cattle station (2,000 square miles in size) nearby. Natalie saucily tells him she's always wondered what a cattle station in the Outback looks like, and Ren takes the bait and invites her to come along on his routine check of the station to see how the cows are doing. 

Kevin and Nick escort Blair and Jo home so they can 1) change outfits for their night out at the Opera House, and 2) continue to stupidly wonder which of them is the cop and which is the jewel thief. As Blair tries to decide on what to wear, Jo quips, "Don't wear any jewelry" - heh - and says she's staring to wonder if both Kevin and Nick could be jewel thieves. She then phones Hotel Outback in an attempt to get in touch with Natalie to warn her about the very important thing she so stupidly hid in her backpack, but Tootie answers and tells her that Natalie is currently ambling around Ayers Rock, and that she has her backpack with her. 

Blair glances through a telescope and notices that there are two shady looking men watching their house. She informs Jo, and the two scratch their heads confusedly, wondering if the blokes are somehow connected to the now tedious jewel theft caper they've gotten themselves roped into in this made-for-TV dreck.

While en route to the cattle station in a lumbering old truck, Natalie spots a kangaroo and excitedly lunges towards the window while an annoyed looking Ren manages to not lose control of the steering wheel. A few seconds later, the truck comes to a quiet stop, and Ren gets out and looks under the hood and declares the engine dead until further notice. He promptly starts collecting firewood 'cause there's no gettin' around the reality that they're pretty much stranded here until morning...or whenever his father notices him missing and decides to start looking for him. Natalie's all, "Ack!" and says she has to be in Sydney tomorrow to deliver a speech to the Koolunga youth - but Ren doesn't seem to give too much of a shit about that and warns her about the dingos that roam these parts, and advises her to get comfortable before darkness falls.  

Andy is watching Roger herd his sheep, then hangs out with Willie and Tom so that Roger and Beverly Ann can have some private time to take a trip down memory lane.

Natalie gamely helps Ren collect firewood and seems far less stressed than she was in her previous scene. 

Roger tells Beverly Ann that he lost his wife to a deadly illness, and that he often wondered what might have been had they hooked up, decades ago. The two reminisce about their romance of yore before engaging in the most amorous kissing action Beverly Ann has ever gotten in any standard Facts episode. 

Andy calls Jane to tell her he's thinking of becoming a sheep farmer, and she's like, "Um, OK..? Thanks for sharing."

After exiting the Opera House, Jo accuses Nick of only going out with her 'cause he's hoping she can lead him to the missing opal, while Kevin tells Blair that his superiors are getting impatient about him retrieving his recording device.

Out in the Outback, Ren gives Natalie his jacket for warmth as the two sit by the fire. When Natalie says she's starving 'cause she missed dinner, he holds up a boomerang and offers to use it to slay a kangaroo and then cook it over the open fire. Natalie declines that offer and tells him she'd rather eat the fig bars in her backpack...and when she digs around inside of it, she pulls out a packet that contains the giant opal rock (presumably the one Nick Aintree has been searching for) and assumes that Jo and/or Blair put it inside her bag to weigh it down as some kind of unfunny practical joke.
​
The following morning, Roger is schooling Andy on the basics of sheep farming while gazing lovingly across the distance at Beverly Ann as she ambles about.

Natalie is asleep in Ren's truck when she's awakened by the sensation of a camel nibbling her toes. As she rushes out of the truck in a panic, she runs into Ren, who holds up a dead rabbit and happily reports that breakfast will soon be served. 

Beverly Ann and Roger continue to reminisce about their past romance, yada yada, when Gwen summons them for breakfast by ringing a large bell. She then carries a huge platter of food to the patio table...and, once Roger is out of earshot, tells Beverly Ann that she's clearly "a good tonic" for her lonely widower father.

In the Outback, Tootie is floating around on a raft with David while the two study rock paintings. When she learns that he has plans to fly to Sydney later, she offers to give him tips on how to survive in an urban environment. She then decides it's finally time for them to formally introduce themselves, so he tells her that his name is David...and she scrunches her face confusedly 'cause David doesn't seem at all like something an Indigenous Australian tribesman would be named. 

Back at the vacation house, Jo and Blair spot two shady looking men continuing to lurk nearby, so they decide to sneak out through the basement door. As they flee across the bridge that leads to the ferry station, the shady men spot them and race after them...and Blair continually grabs at Jo (!), and Jo reacts by continually pushing her away and snapping at her to stop fucking doing that. The two board the ferry just as it's about to depart, so the shady men continue their pursuit by jumping into a small motorized boat and zooming after them. When the ferry docks at the first stop, Blair suggests to Jo that they flee to the Opera House...and Jo's like 'sure, what could possibly go wrong with boxing ourselves in there?', so the the two race up the concrete steps leading to the Opera House, where Blair loses her shoes in the process, then run up a narrow stairwell and eventually find themselves trapped inside the small balcony that overlooks the main stage, where a choir is rehearsing. Oops.

Roger tells Beverly Ann that he'd really really like it if she gave up her life in America to move to Australia and live with him on his sheep ranch - but she tells him that after her divorce she's enjoying the complete freedom of not having to answer to a man. Roger assures her that she'd be happy with him 'cause he'd just let her do whatever she wants...and as she chews on that unwittingly sexist remark, Andy reminds her that they need to get back to Sydney if they're going to make it on time to the Koolunga School assembly. 

While practicing boomerang throwing, Natalie tells Ren she has a speech in Sydney to deliver in a few hours and therefore really does need to return to civilization. Ren attempts to help by attaching a camel to his truck and thinking that that'll be, in any way, faster than travelling on foot - but his dumb idea becomes a moot point a few seconds later when his father arrives by chopper to speedily rescue them. Natalie's all, "Hurray!" as she grabs her backpack and asks Mr. Calley if he'd be so kind as to drop her off at the local airport, and Ren climbs into the chopper after her.

Tootie is in a cab with David, explaining to him what it's like to be in an urbanized environment amid technological inventions such as automobiles and telephones...and David manages to keep a straight face while pretending to be intrigued by the notion of a direct communication device with big numbers on it. LOL. When the cab driver drops him off at his destination, he's greeted by someone as Dr. Johnson...and when Tootie overhears him speaking perfect American-accented English, she storms out of the cab to ask whassup with him pretending to be a non-urbanized Indigenous man. He tells her that his name is David Johnson, and that he earned a PhD from Yale University...and played along with her assumption that he lives in the Outback and plays a hand-carved flute all day. He half-heartedly asks for her forgiveness and invites her out for tonight, and she mulls that over and decides she's A-OK hanging out with a man in front of whom she's made a total ass of herself for the past two days. 

Jo and Blair remain trapped in the Opera House balcony...and when Jo tiptoes back to the sole exit, she can hear the shady men continuing to pound on the door and demanding to be let inside. When she confirms their ongoing predicament to Blair, Blair tells her she's in the process of formulating a brilliant escape plan.

Tootie arrives at the Koolunga School for the assembly and meets up with Beverly Ann and Andy. She tells them that Natalie is on her way after a delay in the Outback, but has no idea why Jo or Blair haven't yet made an appearance. 

Jo starts begins playing the organ, which prompts the choir leader to halt the rehearsal and shine a light at them and demand to know whassup with them being up there. Blair fibs and says they're here to repair the organ and that the contractors are currently outside the balcony door, so the choir leader hastily summons security. In the ensuing chaos of the security guards confronting and subduing the shady men, Blair and Jo manage to slip out of the balcony and exit the Opera House...and Blair even manages to retrieve her lost shoes while fleeing to safety. Phew!

Kevin arrives at the Koolunga School assembly and skulks around while a band plays string instruments and the Facts gang in attendance wonders when the heck Natalie's going to arrive, 'cause she's about to be announced as the next speaker.

Andy tells Jane that he really thinks sheep farming is for him, and that it wouldn't be so lonely if he were to find someone to share it with, and she's like, "Thanks for sharing, and good luck with all that."

When the string instrument band wraps up their performance, a teacher announces their keynote speaker: Natalie Green from America! When nothing happens, she glances around the auditorium confusedly and introduces Natalie a couple more times...which oddly seems to do the trick, 'cause a few seconds later, Natalie arrives at the school by cab and races inside the building looking under-dressed and disheveled. She pretends to the audience that her hiking attire was a deliberate clothing choice to serve as a respectful salute to Australia's frontier, then holds up a boomerang as a non sequitur type 'show and tell' item, and then yammers about how her backpack was weighed down by what turned out to be a very heavy stone she was surprised to discover she'd been carrying around. Kevin perks up at that last thing and reacts by leaping on stage, grabbing her backpack, and fleeing the school with it. The Facts gang chases after him, as does everyone in attendance at the assembly...and Kevin is able to make it to the nearby beach and get into a waiting dinghy before motoring off. Natalie uses the boomerang throwing skills she acquired in the Outback to clock Kevin in the head...and while he's laying unconscious in the dinghy, a police boat - with Nick Aintree aboard - intercepts and recovers Natalie's backpack. As they move the operation onto shore, Nick empties the contents of the bag, which no longer contains the opal - but he decides it's still worth the trouble to arrest Kevin for theft of personal property. 

At the after-assembly party, Jo and Blair ask Natalie what in blazes she did with the rock that was hidden in her knapsack, on account of it's the valuable opal around which much of this made-for-TV movie has been structured...and Natalie exclaims, "That was an opal?!", then tells them about her encounter with Ren and their subsequent rescue by chopper, and that she tossed the the heavy rock out of the chopper while they were flying somewhere over the vastness of the Outback. The Facts gals are all, "Hooooooly shit!", but then decide they have zero interest in pursuing the matter further 'cause, at this point, it's really mostly Nick's problem.

Andy asks Beverly Ann if she had been seriously tempted to take up Roger on his offer to share his life as a sheep farmer, but she tells him she had gotten turned off by his 'I'll let you do whatever you want' remark, and particularly didn't care for him using the word let. She adds that she also didn't want to abandon her happy life in Peekskill as his adoptive American mother and the superfluous housemother of four women in their mid-twenties. 

The Facts gang mingles with the Koolunga students before deciding to take them up on a tour of Sydney. Tootie says she should prolly head back to the house to wait for David's call, then decides 'ah fuck it', not least 'cause she's still a tiny bit miffed about him pretending to be an Indigenous tribesman who had never seen a telephone. 

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: The Facts gals and Mrs. Garrett are rushing through a New York airport, excitedly gabbling about spending the summer in Paris. Jo grumbles about how she doesn't think the trip is that big of a deal, since they're just going to be exchange students stuck in a classroom...and Mrs. Garrett reminds the gals that they're mostly going to be on their own at the Gerard School, 'cause she's going to be busy all summer taking a cooking class...and then, if time permits, she wants to enjoy a Paris vacay solo.

A cute guy asks Blair if the seat next to her is taken, and she says it is, before putting a piece of luggage atop it. He looks crestfallen and says he's sorry to hear that, and she smugly retorts, "I know you are" before he gives her a 'the fuck?' stare and ambles off. Natalie chides her for brushing off such a hunky guy, but Blair insists that in this superfluous, made-for-TV Facts movie, all she's going to be interested in is French clothes, French perfume, and finding a French boyfriend. Jo, meanwhile, is reading an article in Car Driver magazine about an upcoming car race in Le Mans and tells the gals that going to this race is the only reason she agreed to fly across the ocean and attend summer school in a foreign country. A few seconds later, they hear an announcement that their flight is ready to board, and the five excitedly rush to the gate. 
​
In the next scene, the Facts gang's plane has landed safely in Paris. Mrs. Garrett says that the owner of the hotel she's staying at is sending a car to pick her up...and everyone assumes it's going to be a fancy limo - until a stuttering little car with Hôtel Le Petit Ritz written on the side of it pulls up. When the driver holds up a sign that reads Madame Garrett, Mrs. Garrett waves at him to self identify as the Madame, then tells the gals she'll see them in four weeks. She scurries over to the car and climbs into the passenger seat while the driver puts her bags in the trunk and squeals off. 

A few seconds later, the Gerard School shuttle bus pulls up, and a severe looking woman enters the airport and snootily asks the Facts gals if they're from Eastland. When they dumbly nod, she introduces herself as Miss Southwick, aka the Head Mistress of the Gerard School, and haughtily decrees that she expects proper behavior from each of them, which includes strict adherence to all of the rules. She instructs them to follow her into the shuttle bus, then pauses for a second to half-heartedly welcome them to Paris...and during the entire greeting, the Facts gals exchange unhappy, 'we're fuuuuuuuucked' expressions.

While en route to the Gerard School, Tootie natters about how super excited she is that they're finally in Paris...and when they drive by the Eiffel Tower, Blair grinningly says that no matter how many times she's seen the famous landmark, it's always a thrill. Tootie gushes about how it looks just like it does in the movies, and the perpetually grumbly Jo snaps, "What did you think it was going to look like? Shea Stadium?" ... and because there's no laugh track in this made-for-TV schlock, Jo's sarcastic one-liners come across as grousy bitchitude that just kind of awkwardly hangs there.

Mrs. Garrett, meanwhile, is being ferried at an alarming speed to Hôtel Le Petit Ritz. When the chauffeur, Pierre, delivers her to her destination, shockingly in one piece, she shriekingly chides him for driving like a maniac...but when he informs her that everyone in Paris drives equally as recklessly, she's like, "OMG, seriously?" and meekly backs off.

When the shuttle bus passes a road sign that reads You're Now Leaving Paris, the Facts gals look alarmed and ask whassup with that, so Miss Southwick primly explains that the Gerard School is located about an hour outside of the city...which probably would have been a helpful detail to know prior to committing to a summer semester overseas. 

Over in Cooking School, the imperious Chef Antoine makes his grand entrance to greet his students. He shoots Mrs. Garrett - the only female and American person in attendance - an incredulous stink-eye and asks her what in blazes she's doing here, so she introduces herself and explains that she's a dietician from a private American girls' school. Then then holds her hand out, but the pompous ass refuses to shake it and just continues to stare at her disdainfully.

During the first class, Chef Antoine is hyper-critical of the way Mrs. Garrett whisks eggs and chops vegetables. Later, she carefully pulls a freshly baked cake from the oven - but when she places it on the table with the other students' cakes and happily claps, the motion causes all of them to simultaneously deflate. Oops.

Miss Southwick leads the Facts gals in an early morning callisthenics exercise session...then later during class, slams her ruler across the side of Natalie's desk when she's so exhausted from the punishing regimen that she couldn't keep from nodding off.

When the Facts gals return to the dorm room after class, they grumble about it being their twenty-fifth day in captivity at this wretched place. Jo sourly complains that she's never going to be able to get to Le Mans for the car race, while Blair wails, "This was supposed to be the summer of my French romance!" before lamenting, "Somewhere out there is a Frenchman with my name on him." Miss Southwick interrupts their bellyaching to snippily inform them that the last five days of their summer exchange program will be spent in Paris, that the bus will leave tomorrow morning at 9:00am sharp, and that tardiness will not be tolerated. Once she leaves the room and is safely out of earshot, the Facts gals woot happily at this development, then conspire to make a break for it at their first opportunity so that they can enjoy the next five days in Paris not being under the thumb of the prickly schoolmarm.

The next day, Miss Southwick is giving the entire class a walking tour/lecture of the Cathédrale Notre-Dame de Paris when the Facts gals manage to slip away unnoticed and scurry to freedom. Jo sneaks aboard the shuttle bus to get their luggage, but points out that they're not 100% free, 'cause, for whatever reason, Miss Southwick is in possession of their passports. Jo just kind of shrugs at that fairly serious wrinkle and is all, "Well, whatever" and announces that she's off to Le Mans and promises to meet up with them at the airport in five days. Tootie and Natalie urge Blair to come up with one of her brilllllliant ideas to figure out where they're going to crash now that they've escaped their exchange school oppressor.
​
Chef Antoine bloviates to this class about the joys of incorporating wine in his gourmet dishes, and Edna tells him that as a high school dietician, she's not allowed to serve her clientele any alcohol. Chef Antoine accuses her of insulting his culinary genius, then hands her a broom and bellows, "If you can't cook, you will clean!" Mrs. Garrett pushes back by insisting that she hasn't done anything to deserve such shitty treatment and decrees, "I will not be bullied here!" ... but then hastily backs off when the chef threatens to expel her from Cooking School. She clutches the broom and tells one of her classmates that if she doesn't return to Eastland with her Cooking School diploma, she won't be able to return at all...which I doubt is true - unless it was Mr. Parker's strict condition for giving her a paid summer vacation in France.

That evening, Pierre gives Mrs. Garrett a foot bath while she shriekily complains about how impossible it is to please the un-please-able Chef Antoine, and cries that he's a monster who thinks everything she does is wrong. Pierre urges her to dial down the shrieking a few decibels and try to get some rest, and she agrees that what she most needs is a good night's sleep so that she can be fresh for tomorrow's class. After he tiptoes out of the room, Mrs. Garrett lays back in her easy chair and starts to doze off - just as the Facts gals (minus Jo) knock on her door and then spill inside her room, loudly nattering about how miserable they've all been at summer school.

Tootie is bicycling through the streets of Paris, transporting a ginormous loaf of bread back to Hôtel Le Petit Ritz, while Mrs. Garrett admonishes Blair and Natalie for running away from school 'cause she's assuming that Miss Southwick must be worried sick. They tell her they seriously doubt that, and fill her in about what an uncaring authoritarian she's been, and that they could never do anything right in her eyes. Mrs. Garrett chews on that for a few seconds and realizes that after the abusive treatment she's received from Chef Antoine, she can definitely dig it. She then decides 'ah fuck it' and urges them to go out and enjoy whatever time they have left in Paris, and Blair thanks her for understanding and calls her a saint.

Jo is wandering the French countryside, thinking that taking off by herself in a very rural part of a foreign country might not have been one of her best ideas. She puts her thumb out in attempt to hitch hike, and a guy on a motorbike roars past her...only to suffer mechanical issues a few seconds later, and is attempting to do maintenance on his bike when Jo ambles over. She snarls at him for not giving her a ride, so he points out the obvious: that he's riding on a very small motorbike with no extra helmet. He mutters that she must be an American princess, and Jo haughtily says she ain't no princess (no argument here) and that she knows exactly what's wrong with his bike. He hands her a wrench and agrees to give her a ride to Le Mans if she can fix it, then introduces himself as David (as in DAH-veed) LeClair and tells her he works in a bookstore, and Jo snidely growls that he should be working in a gas station and studying motorbikes.

After Natalie has dragged a bored looking Tootie to the gravesites of various literary figures, they arrive at an outdoor cafe where she suddenly spots Garth Kiley, aka an American writer who just happened to author one of her favorite books. She drags Tootie over to say hey to Garth and introduce themselves as fellow Americans, then explains that she looooooved his book and has many, many questions. Garth just stares back at her with a weary expression, 'cause no doubt he just wants to be left alone drinking whatever he's drinking in this outdoor cafe. 

Blair meets up with her mom's friend Angelique at an outdoor cafe and tells her she had a dream that she was sketching something or other when suddenly a handsome man appeared beside her, then took her by the hand and led her through the streets of Paris on a romantic tour. Angelique cackles with delight and says she's sure it's a sign that she's about to meet someone very special.

Natalie asks Garth why he never wrote a second book, so he fibs about how he's in the process of writing a trilogy. LOL. Natalie tries to get him interested in joining them for a walking tour today, and he's like, "If it were any other day I'd be available. But today? No can do." Tootie rejoins, "Great, we'll do it tomorrow!" and says they're going to hold him to it...and he somehow refrains from telling them to go pee up a rope 'cause he has absolutely zero interest in spending an entire day with two sassy American teenagers. 

Blair is happily sketching Parisian architecture...but when she gets up and moves to get a different vantage point, a man rushes over and tells her he had been sketching her as she sketched. He smarmily introduces himself as Andre and invites her to join him for coffee, and she happily accepts and tells him that this meet-cute is playing out exactly like it did in the dream she had last night. A few seconds later, a small child runs over to Andre while chirping, "Papa!" ... and when the child's mother follows, Andre sheepishly shrugs at Blair as he explains, "What can I say? I am French." And a total imbécile for making a move on a woman while your wife and son are watching from a few feet away.

David's motorbike breaks down a second time, so he and Jo are forced to hoof it to the nearest town.

The next day, Natalie and Tootie track Garth down at a different outdoor cafe, and it looks as though he's been hitting the sauce pretty hard despite it being only 10:30 in the morning. He sourly tells the two that he really really doesn't want to go on a walking tour of Paris - just as his editor storms over and chides him for not turning in his assignment, the Paris tour article that was due three days ago. Garth points at Natalie and Tootie and says he's been too busy entertaining his children to do much writing - LOL - and she rolls her eyes and admonishes his general attitude of slack. When Natalie helpfully (?) chimes in to tell her that Garth has been very busy writing a trilogy, the editor does her best to not laugh as she tells her that Garth is a washed-up wino who hasn't written anything coherent in years, and that if he doesn't turn in the Paris tour article by the end of the day, he's through. After she storms off, Garth admits that he told them a whopper of a lie when he said he was writing a trilogy, then whines about how haaaaaard it is to be "a man of artistic intensity". Natalie angrily tells him he's nothing more than a lush...and is about to stomp off angrily when Tootie implores her to stop, 'cause Garth needs her hero worship in order to inspire him to write a bestseller. As Natalie chews on that barely plausible theory, Tootie orders Garth to quit drinking and start working on the Paris tour article, offering to stick with him as long as it takes him to write it...which doesn't sound like much of an incentive, but OK. 
​
David admits to Jo that his motorbike breaks down a lot 'cause he keeps forgetting to put oil in it, and she responds by laughing at his inability to perform basic maintenance on what looks to be his primary mode of transportation.

Blair is helping Angelique put a pile of packages inside her car, and the two chat about the impromptu party Angelique is throwing that evening. While they're doing that, they suddenly notice a man displaying several canvases of his art on the sidewalk, and Blair haughtily says that this kind of peddling of wares is "OK in the left bank, but not here." [Is this true, anyone out there who knows anything about Paris?] After Angelique drives off, Blair strides over to the artist and sternly says, "Young man, about these paintings" ... and the young man somehow refrains from laughing out loud at her haughty bitchitude, not least 'cause she's clearly not even French, and reacts by whirling around and flashing her a smile. As Blair smiles back looking openly smitten, he asks her if she sees anything among his artwork that interests her, then hands her a painting...and she mutely studies it - until the camera cuts to the next scene, where the two are sitting together at an outdoor cafe. He confesses that he was actually trying to get her attention while displaying his art on the street, then suggests they go for a moonlit walk this evening. Blair blushingly tells him she's supposed to be at Angelique's party later, but will think of a way to get out of it - and he's like, "Mon dieu non!" and says he needs her to attend the party 'cause he desperately wants to go as her plus one. He says he knows how well Angelique is connected to important people in the Paris art world and would looooove to bring some of his canvases for them to look at...and as the wind gets rapidly sucked out of Blair's sails, she shoots him the stink-eye and storms off after railing to the hapless waiter that it's impossible to fall in love in Paris when there's not a decent man to be found in the entire city.

Mrs. Garrett announces that she plans to prepare a lobster dish for her final exam, and Chef Antoine laughs in her face and tells her she's too much of a bumbling fuckwit to pull off a meal that's that complex. He urges her to drop out of his course before getting humiliated further, but she shrieks back, "Edna Garrett never drops out!", then promptly turns on a lidless blender and sprays flour all over herself. Womp womp!

Natalie and Tootie toddle behind Garth as he researches landmarks for his Paris tour article. He tells the gals that he's suddenly jazzed about this writing assignment [since he can't subsist on binge-drinking at outdoor cafes forever] and urges them along, 'cause they still have lots of places to see and things to do. The gals look visibly tired, but gamely continue with the tour.

Jo and David arrive at a bed and breakfast...and after the reception clerk cackles about the two of them spending the night together 'cause he's a grown man with the brain of a ten year old, they check into their room, which naturally has only one smallish bed. Jo pretends that it's A-OK with her to be sharing a bed with a near stranger, and so the two lay down together, fully clothed, and looking very stiff and uncomfortable. When Jo murmurs, "Good night", David replies, "It could be", then turns off the lights while Jo stares into space, worried about what this predicament could possibly mean for her maidenhead.

The next morning, David brings a breakfast tray into the room, and Jo reacts by snappishly ordering him off the bed and telling him how upset she is that he didn't wake her up so that she could take her turn sleeping on the floor. David tells her that he couldn't 'cause he too fell asleep, and wishes she'd be mature about their fully clothed sleeping arrangement...and also wishes that the writers didn't script this nonsensical scene in a way that makes it seem as though they completely forgot how the previous scene concluded, or possibly edited out footage of the two of them having a conversation during which they agreed to take turns sleeping on the floor. Jo says she just wants to be treated like an equal, then starts eating the food on the tray and drinking the milk...and when David tells her it's goat's milk, she makes a blech face and looks as if she's barely able to keep from spitting it out. 

Pierre takes Mrs. Garrett to an outdoor market to buy up all the necessary ingredients for her lobster dinner exam, urging her to get creative by adding sweet butter and shallots to her recipe. He then tells her that she can use his kitchen at the hotel to practice making the dish, and she shriekily thanks him for his generosity.

While en route to Le Mans, Jo and David take a break from motorbiking and have a picnic. As Jo chows down on some cheese, David tells her it was made from goat's milk, and she's all, "Blech! Fool me once.." and bitchily asks if they don't have any cows in this country. A few seconds later, an elderly woman wanders over with her kitty, which promptly frees itself from her grasp and proceeds to climb a tree, where it gets stranded on a high branch. When she implores David and Jo for help getting him down, Jo stammers, "Je getta him" while David begs her not to endanger herself, pointing out that since New York doesn't have any trees, she surely has no idea how to safely climb one. Jo argues that there are plenty of trees in New York, and the elderly woman chuckles about how they bicker like an old married couple. When David translates that for Jo, Jo tries to explain to the old lady that she bickers with David 'cause he bugs her, then somehow refrains from pointing out that any fool can see that they have zero on-screen chemistry, mostly 'cause she's so friggin' mannish - but the old woman just continues to grin knowingly at her. 

Mrs. Garrett prattles to Pierre about how nervous she is about tomorrow's exam, but he assures her that her cooking abilities are awesome and that she needs to have more faith in herself. Mrs. Garrett mulls over his advice for a few seconds before practicing folding napkins, but quickly gets flustered. Pierre suggests that, to relax her, he take her out on the town and show her his Paris by night, and she decides that that sounds like a fantastic idea.
​
Over at Angelique's party, Blair is circulating among her family's old money friends and looks as though she's having a fabulous time hanging with elite French society.

David has brought Jo to his family's home, and they're all having a lovely dinner. Jo chuckles at the banter even though she has no idea what anyone is saying...and David tells her that his little brother clearly has a crush on her, but adds, "Of course, he will have to wait his turn." [OK...whatever, David.] Later, David sits with Jo by the fireplace as he shows her an old family photo album - but a few seconds later, he gets an unexpected phone call from his boss, who summons him to work first thing in the morning 'cause his wife had to be rushed to the hospital. David assures Jo that his father will take her to the car race, but she solemnly tells him she'd much prefer to spend whatever time she has left in France with him. He looks touched the pronouncement, then leans in for a hug/smooch combo.

Garth thanks Tootie and Natalie for giving him the opportunity to complete his article by seeing Paris through their eyes, and they compliment his writing and amaaaazing literary style. Natalie urges Garth to return to the States so that he can begin writing his next book...and then she and Tootie get into a mind-numbing argument about which country is the better place to write a book: the U.S. or France? [I vote France.] Garth tries to diffuse the dispute by promising to dedicate his new book to the two of them, 'cause of how their youthful enthusiasm gave him a new lease on life...even though I'm pretty sure it had more to do with the threat of his editor cutting him loose and leaving him unemployed.
​
Blair is in a bookshop, chatting with the store's owner about a Hemingway book she'd like to purchase for her friend. When she makes her selection, he kindly refuses to accept her cash and urges her to take it as a gift, and she warmly thanks him and leaves - a few seconds before Jo and David arrive at the store, which is apparently David's workplace. His boss tells him that his wife had appendicitis so he needs David to take over so that he can rush to the hospital.

Mrs. Garrett has cooked her lobster dinner for her final exam in Chef Antoine's class and is literally praying for a positive outcome as he taste-tests the food. He takes in a mouthful, stares contemplatively into space, then finally says, "C'est très bien." Mrs. Garrett looks relieved and tells Chef Antoine that, at her friend Pierre's suggestion, she used sweet butter and shallots, and he looks deeply impressed by the brashness and says, in that case, she has created an original recipe, and that he's suddenly very intrigued by her culinary creativity.

Blair, meanwhile, is wandering around Paris by herself, petting dogs and looking relaxed and content. 

When Pierre pops by the dining room to see how the final exam went, Mrs. Garrett happily shows him the white chef's hat she just earned, then introduces him to Chef Antoine as the man who suggested she add sweet butter and shallots to her lobster dish. Chef Antoine says that those ingredients are extremely bold and that he'd be happy to drop by his restaurant in Hôtel Le Petit Ritz some time to formally endorse it, assuming he likes what he tastes. Pierre looks so overwhelmed with joy that he gives Mrs. Garrett a big thank you smooch, then sheepishly apologizes for being so presumptuous - but she assures him she's totes into the PDA and gives him a giant smooch in return.

Blair is chatted up by an attractive American named Ken Barnett - but when he gazes at her all smitten-like and invites her to go get a bite with him, she politely declines and tells him she's enjoying her last day in Paris just ambling around by herself.

David tells Jo he's sooooo happy she chose to return to Paris with him in lieu of going to the car race, and figured she'd enjoy spending some time in his bookstore workplace...and Jo tells him that despite Paris not being her usual environment, she feels totally at home here. David implores her not to leave France as planned, and she responds by staring contemplatively into space.

Blair gushes to Mrs. Garrett, Natalie, and Tootie about how wonderful she feels after wandering the streets of Paris alone, and is somewhat startled to realize that she truly enjoys her own company. Tootie and Natalie too look startled by their friend's self-discovery, then agree that they're really going to miss Paris. Mrs. Garrett says she's very concerned about Jo still being MIA, but Blair assures her that Jo's a big girl who can take care of herself, and that she's confident she'll show up at the airport as scheduled. And that, hopefully, they've gotten their passports back from Miss Southwick, 'cause that definitely would've been at the top of my to-do list after fleeing the school tour.

Jo and David are standing under a tree kissing when Jo abruptly withdraws her lips, strolls several feet away, and stares sadly into space. 

The Facts gang (minus Jo) have arrived at the airport, and Mrs. Garrett natters about how anxious she is about Jo not showing up yet.

Jo is tinkering with David's motorbike, despite him insisting that nothing is wrong with it...and adds that she's going to miss her flight back to New York if she doesn't leave pronto. Jo tearfully tells him she'd love to stay, but that she can't bring herself to leave her mom and all of her friends at Eastland. She adds, at the same time, she doesn't know how to say goodbye to him, so he assures her that they'll see each other again very soon (though...not).

Mrs. Garrett is still wringing her hands worriedly while Blair is on the airport's ground floor, checking in her many pieces of luggage. When she glances out the window, she happens to spot Jo arrive, courtesy of David and his motorbike, and watches as they feverishly hug and kiss one last time. When a teary-eyed Jo enters the airport, Blair asks her if she's OK, and she unconvincingly tells her that she's perfectly fine. Mrs. Garrett cries happily when she sees Jo arrive, then shrieks, "Where were you?!" while Tootie and Natalie pepper her with questions about what the heck she's been doing for the last five days. When it's clear that Jo is too emotional to want to share any deets about her [un]sexy time with David, Blair snarls at them to get off her back...and Mrs. Garrett helps change the subject by announcing that she's off to look into what movie is going to be shown on the plane. 

Jo thanks Blair for diverting the Facts gang's attention from her, and Blair puts a comforting hand on her shoulder as if to say 'I'll always have your back, my non-hetero hottie.' 

Mrs. Garrett wryly tells the gals that the in-flight movie is Who is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe? - hee! - and a few seconds later, they hear their boarding announcement. Blair assures Jo that, from the looks of the goodbye hug and kiss she shared with David, things between them could definitely work out...and we see that David is staring longingly at her through the window as she boards the plane, which is probably not logistically possible at any airport, but OK.

Natalie gabbles about how this Paris trip has changed her life and broadened her horizons, yada yada...and the entire Facts gang begins happily singing during takeoff, which I'm sure isn't at all annoying to the rest of the passengers. 

Recap: Blair calls a meeting of Eastland's co-ed student body to 1) discuss their new living arrangements, and 2) admit that she made a totally avoidable error when she allowed the boys to charge upstairs upon their arrival without thinking 'oh wait - the dorm rooms are already occupied by girls'. She decrees that the girls will bunk in the east wing, the boys in the west wing...and never the twain shall meet while they're co-existing on the upper floor(s) of the dorm building. When someone asks Blair who the dorm supervisor is, she says that since she also hasn't given that role a moment's thought, for the time being she is, and Mayim Bialik cheers, "Yay! Hurray!", then hastily explains to the boys, who accuse her of being a suck-up, that she's only cheering 'cause Blair looks easy to take advantage of. Ashley snootily informs Blair that it's the dorm supervisor's night to buy them pizza and rent movies, and Wes Mitchell chuckles and says he can't wait to see what he can manipulate Blair into doing for his pleasure (!?), and Blair makes it clear to the kids, and to Wes, that she's not as gullible [and vulnerable to being sexually harassed] as they assume she is.

One of the boys tries to flirt with Juliette Lewis, but she's not into it and spacily rebuffs his advances. Blair watches with dismay as Seth Green attempt to flirt with Mayim Bialik...and after Mayim tells him to buzz off, Blair pulls Seth Green aside and says she's concerned about how overly randy he always seems to be. He fully admits that his prepubescent state has confused him to the point of he enjoys watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but at the same time yearns to ogle a naked Snow White. Blair chews on that nugget for a few seconds, then delivers an impromptu speech to the kids about how they can all contribute to making the most out of their Eastland experience...and the kids are all, "Bo-ring" and make a break for the nearest exit - except for Juliette Lewis, who glumly explains to Blair that she couldn't get up as quickly as everyone else 'cause her leg fell asleep.

Blair asks Juliette Lewis if something is making her unhappy, and she unconvincingly insists that she's very very happy...then pauses to thank Blair for asking.

When Blair returns to her office, she finds Wes Mitchell sitting in her chair with his feet on her desk...and for some reason she continues to refrain from setting any kind of boundaries regarding this arsehole's generally unprofessional and misogynistic 'tude. He informs her that they need to discuss Juliette Lewis, who's flunking biology after getting Fs on her last two exams. He gave her the opportunity to bump up her grade with a special project, but all she did was turn in a leaf, which she actually labelled leaf. LOL. He tells Blair that she's going to need to boot the slacker out of Eastland if she fails her science credits - just as Mrs. Grisbee interrupts the conversation to dish about how Juliette Lewis opted not to go home during spring vacation. Blair's all, "Wuh?" and interprets this to mean that something must be amiss in the girl's life. Captain Obvious then tells Wes about how hard it is to be a teenage girl nowadays and suggests that he give Juliette Lewis a makeup test, and Wes chides her for having a problem setting limits [uh huh], then once again quells any semblance of respect a faculty member should probably be demonstrating to the headmaster of the school that employs him when he cheekily adds, "In that case, I'm looking forward to our first date."

One of the boys tells Juliette Lewis he heard that she may get expelled from Eastland and that he'd be willing to take part in a sit-in or a hunger strike on her behalf. She spacily asks him if he'd be willing to set himself on fire for her cause, and he gives her a strange look ['cause, yep, she's definitely one strange bird] and replies, "Good luck at your new school."

Pippa and her gal pals admire a cute boy named Steve, who's standing across the room by the pay phone...and when none of them has the nerve to actually approach him, Ashley boldly tells them to "sit back and watch a woman go to work". She sashays over to Steve and flirtily invites him to join her for a study date at 8pm, then saucily adds, "Don't bother bringing your books" ... and Pippa and her gal pals coo their amazement at that kind of chutzpah.

Blair announces to the kids that dinner is being served in the cafeteria, then pulls Juliette Lewis aside and tells her that Mr. Mitchell has agreed to give her a makeup biology test tomorrow to see if she can turn her F into a passing grade. Juliette Lewis makes a weak promise to study, despite being visibly miffed that turning in a leaf didn't qualify as completing a special project. Sara, who was eavesdropping on the conversation, happily points out to Juliette Lewis that a makeup test means she might not get expelled from Eastland after all, and Juliette Lewis sarcastically mutters, "Yeah, perfect" and seems less than thrilled by the prospect of staying.

Juliette Lewis has gussied herself up and announces to Sarah and Ashley that she's off to the Chugalug Bar to drink alcohol and flirt with the local winos. When Sara and Ashley point out that she should prolly be spending the evening studying for her science makeup test, she shrugs and nonsensically retorts, "If you wanna have some fun, you gotta take some chances." She then heads out - just as Seth Green bursts through the door to ensure that the girls' dorm room is "up to code", which translates to the horny little imp proceeding to rifle through Ashley's panty drawer. Ashley tells Sara that she too wants to "take some chances" and go to the Chugalug Bar with Juliette Lewis...and Sara reluctantly agrees to tag along with the two of them. Seth Green, who no one has yet told to get lost, tells Ashley he'd like to stay and watch her get changed, and she chuckles at his horny audacity and ushers him out of the room in a way more placid manner than I would have expected from her.

Wes escorts Blair back to the dorm - just as Seth Green is about to sneak out. They ask him whassup with him nearly breaking curfew, and he immediately cracks under questioning and spills the beans about Juliette Lewis, Sara, and Ashley partying at the Chugalug. Blair insists to Wes that she can deal with this sitch on her own, and heads out to the cheap dive of a watering hole where she herself once sneaked with the rest of the Facts gals during the Season 2 premiere. 

A barfly approaches Juliette Lewis and uses a tired old pick-up line on her, but she brushes him off just as Ashley and Sara arrive. The three seat themselves at a table...and when the waitress comes over, she glares at them suspiciously and asks them how old they are - but doesn't bother waiting for a retort and says she's only willing to serve them one round of root beers before they have to skedaddle. Ashley sashays over to the bar and brazenly comes onto the guy standing there, and he's all, "Whoa, I like your style" and swoops her nearly to the ground before planting her lips with a giant smooch. He then invites her to his place, and she reacts by shoving him away and snarling that she has PE in the morning. Sara nervously says she wants to leave before they get caught - but Juliette Lewis insists on staying, while Ashley chucklingly points out that with Blair Warner running Eastland, they can pretty much do whatever they want whenever they want without that airhead being the wiser - just as Blair suddenly pops up behind them and makes it clear how deep in doo-doo the three of them are. She orders them to exit the bar and hightail it back to Eastland...and when Juliette Lewis makes no move to get up from her chair, Blair says she's most disappointed in her 'cause she went out on a limb [though not a very long one] to get Wes to agree to give her a science makeup test, and now she has no choice but to expel her. Juliette Lewis shrugs in her usual spacey, unperturbed fashion and mumbles, "You do what you have to do." As they head towards the door, the waitress informs Blair that the girls haven't paid their tab - just as the barfly who had come onto Juliette Lewis earlier uses his pick-up line on Blair and offers to buy her a drink. She blushes prettily and says, "Sure, I'll have three root beers" and hands him the bill. LOL.

Later, Blair wakes Juliette Lewis and tells her it's finally dawned on her that she's been messing up on purpose in order to get expelled from Eastland. Juliette weakly denies that, but then admits that she really really wants to go home. Blair tells her that if she truly hates it here she'd be more than happy to help her pack up her stuff - but Juliette Lewis tears up and explains that her parents are getting a divorce, and that she feels like she should be at home, helping them patch things up. Blair absorbs that tidbit for a few seconds before launching into a story about a boy (aka her) whose parents were on the verge of divorce...and that while he was at a boarding school (aka Eastland), he felt guilty for abandoning his family - before realizing that he had no ability to fix their marital problems. He soon decided that his job was to get good grades, make friends, and do his best to create a happy life for himself. Juliette Lewis mulls that over and sheepishly asks if she can still take that science makeup test, and Blair smiles approvingly and says she might be able to convince Mr. Mitchell to give her yet another chance. 

Back at Casa Facts gang, Tootie happily announces to Beverly Ann, Pippa, and Jo that she got into the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in London...and they're all, "Hurray!" and completely gloss over what this overseas opportunity might mean for her engagement to Jeff. Natalie happens to call at that moment to rave about how awesomely life in SoHo with her artistic roommates is going...and Tootie grabs the receiver to share her exciting news, then says she needs to call Jeff and abruptly hangs up the phone (!).

A telegram deliverer dressed in a chicken costume arrives to deliver a love note from Rick to Jo:

Since Rick's been gone
Love's taken a lickin'.
So here's good news from a very big chicken:
Keep your eyes peeled
Don't dare to blink
Since the Rickster's closer than you think.

Naturally, Jo assumes that the man in the chicken suit is Rick, so she orders him to strip off the costume or else she'll strip it off for him [reminder to Jo: Natalie's cherry-popping notwithstanding, this is a family show] - but when the person inside the chicken suit removes the head part of the costume, Jo is startled to see that it's not actually her husband. Rick then sneaks into the living room and gives Jo a from behind hug and jokingly chides, "I'm gone a month...I come back, you're undressing chickens", then thanks his musician friend Fred for helping out with what will mercifully be his last sophomoric Facts of Life gag. Jo laughingly/rhetorically asks him why he can't just return home like a normal human being, then gives him a big hug and kiss while Tootie, Pippa, and Beverly Ann coo with delight at the marital PDA.

Blair arrives home - just as Rick tells everyone that he bought little trinkets in every city he toured. He then pulls out a tiny camera and asks the Facts gang to pose for one last group shot, and the five huddle together and grin back at him.

​And I guess that's an abrupt that for this nine year series. 

Thanks so much for reading!

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Recap: Tootie helps Jo scour the newspaper listings for an apartment for her and Rick to settle into as newlyweds, while Natalie asks everyone for permission to pack up various kitchen items for her imminent move to SoHo. Blair returns home with the sad announcement that Eastland is permanently closing its doors due to a lack of funds, but no one - including Pippa - seems to give much of a rat's ass.

Pippa tells Blair that she's mildly troubled about Eastland closing, but figures she'll simply transfer to another school. Blair vows to not accept this closure without a fight, then dejectedly asks the rest of the Facts gang, "Doesn't anyone care about our alma mater?", and they're barely able to bring themselves to lackadaisically mumble, "Mmm, not really." Pippa throws Blair a bone and tells her she'd be in favor of staying at Eastland if it remained open, and Blair declares that her next order of business will be to sweet talk her rich daddy into giving her the kind of dough that's needed to purchase Eastland and thereby prevent its closure.

Papa Warner gives Blair a firm no to her money request, so she's like, "Pleeeeeeeease daddddddddy..." and reminds him that Eastland has been the Warner family's boarding school of choice for five generations. Papa Warner points out that she can remedy the situation herself by using her own money...and by 'her own money' he's referring to the trust fund she inherited from her very generous grandmother. Blair argues that she was saving that money to start her own law firm, and Papa Warner tells her that as a fully grown adult she's going to have to decide what matters to her more: opening a law firm or saving Eastland. Blair whines that buying Eastland would deplete her entire trust fund, which makes her nervous 'cause she's always considered it her security blanket. She stares at her father incredulously while asking him to confirm that he's really really not going to write her a big check just 'cause she wants him to, and he chucklingly tells her that, nope, he's really really not going to.

Blair is in a meeting with her financial adviser, Frank Payne, to see about getting a loan to keep up with the day-to-day operations of Eastland, now that she's squandered her entire trust fund by purchasing the school. She tells Frank that she has a sentimental attachment to Eastland 'cause she was once a student there, and he says he totally gets that 'cause his daughter Ashley is currently enrolled at Eastland. That said, he tells her that as an impartial banker he's going to have to deny her loan request unless she can convince someone "with means" to co-sign for her...and Blair correctly assumes that he's referring to her father. She retorts by haughtily telling him The Tale of Two Bankers, one of whom gave her father a loan when he demanded it, while the other refused. The banker who approved the loan is now fabulously wealthy and successful in the financial industry, while the one who refused the loan now digs ditches for a living. Frank chews on that quasi-threat for a few seconds and decides to approve the loan after all.

Blair heads over to Eastland to speak with Headmaster Morehead, but has problems getting past his crusty secretary, Mrs. Grisbee. She snarlingly tells Blair to park it beside two students who have been summoned to the office, so Blair sandwiches herself between Mayim Bialik and Juliette Lewis...and can't help but notice the uneven stuffing under Mayim's t-shirt. Mayim notices her staring and asks, "What do you think, did I overboob?", and Blair tells her it's usually a good idea for one's boob stuffing to be pointing in the same general direction.

One of Eastland's faculty members, Wes Mitchell, enters the waiting area and orders Mayim Bialik to give back the socks she stole from the volleyball team, so she pulls them out from under her shirt while grumbling about the indignity of having to wear a training bra. Wes then flirtily greets Blair, who tells him she's here to see Mr. Morehead...and he's like, "Don't do it!" and stupidly adds that he just heard that the school has been sold to "some airhead debutante". A few seconds later, Blair is invited to meet with the headmaster, and is startled when she sees that he's hurriedly packing up his stuff. She reminds him that Eastland isn't closing anymore, but he continues to pack everything up that isn't nailed down and tells her that after twenty-five years at Eastland, it's someone else's turn to deal with all the headaches...implying that he's been Eastland's headmaster for a quarter century, which is perhaps the most brazenly dumb inconsistency of the entire series from the halfwitted Facts of Life writing team who somehow forgot that..

• Mr. Bradley was headmaster during Season 1
• Mr. Harris was headmaster in Season 2
• Mr. Parker was headmaster in (at minimum) Seasons 3, 4, and 5

Blair implores Mr. Morehouse to stay a little while longer - but he's not remotely interested in being part of a spin-off show that's never actually going to see the light of day, wishes her luck, and beats a hasty retreat. Mrs. Grisbee enters the room to inform Blair that she has a bunch of complaining parents on the phone, as well as two errant schoolgirls who are still waiting to be chastised by whoever the headmaster now is.
 
After the commercial break, Blair replaces the portrait of the outgoing headmaster with one of herself in a lovely pink suit, and then Mrs. Grisbee hands her a stack of bills that need to be paid pronto. Wes Mitchell breezes into the office and once again demonstrates his monumental stupidity by asking if anyone happens to knows when the airhead is going to turn up, so Blair smiles thinly and introduces herself as Blair Warner, airhead debutante. She asks him what exactly he does at the school, so he tells her he's the head of the science department, then stares back at her with an expression of bemused curiosity as he condescendingly asks her if she's ever owned a school before. Blair rejoins, "No, but I've been to several" and Wes tells her she's going to need a lot of help...and when he volunteers to provide at least some of that help, she snippily makes it clear that she's not remotely interested in anything he has to offer. Translation: if this doomed Facts of Life spin-off show had been picked up, these two surely would have become one of those annoyingly tropey 'I hate you/I like you/I suddenly realize I'm in love with you' type couples.

A prepubescent Seth Green drops by Blair's office dressed unconvincingly as a girl and says he wishes to enrol at Eastland. Blair says she'd be happy to admit any prospective student, as long as the required physical determines that he's not just a tiny boy in drag. Seth Green glumly admits that, yeah, he's a boy, then implores her to help him get some schooling 'cause he's been kicked out of so many institutions of learning during his short life...and Blair responds by swiftly ushering him out of her office. 

Blair arrives late to an emergency meeting with her financial adviser and the grim-faced Eastland board of trustees. They tell Blair that they heard about Headmaster Morehead's resignation, and make it clear how displeased they are with the low enrolment figures for the upcoming summer semester...so Blair says she plans to counter those setbacks by hiring a new headmaster and possibly raising tuition. Frank points out that what the school really needs is more students, and Blair recalls the conversation she just had with Seth Green and boldly proposes they make Eastland a co-ed boarding school. The trustees clutch their pearls at that frightful prospect, but in the next minute decide that they're A-OK with it if it results in a giant infusion of some much-needed cash. 

Blair is interviewing some lacklustre candidates for the headmaster job when Jo drops by to say hey and gush about how impressed she is with her ginormous new office. A few seconds later, Mayim Bialik and her roommate Sara burst into the room so that Sara can complain about not being able to study in the dorm whenever Mayim is loudly practicing her trumpet. As Blair scratches her head about how best to resolve this contrived conundrum, Jo tells the young girls that she and Blair once shared a bedroom [and continue to share a bedroom despite her being %$#@! married] and always found inventive ways to work through their problems. Blair concurs, then describes what a loud snorer Jo is, and a miffed Jo snipes back at her for always twirling her lustrous hair (?). Sara and Mayim Bialik are like, "Get a room, you two. Also, we only really care about our problems" and reiterate that Sara can't study in the same room as Mayim when she's blowing on her trumpet. An impatient Blair snappishly suggests that Sara study in the library, while Mayim take the sock out of her training bra and stuff it into her trumpet...and when the girls somehow seem happy with that advice and scamper safely out of earshot, Jo wanks Blair for her deftness in handling that whine-fest. Blair mulls over the compliment and happily concurs, "I did, didn't I?"

In the Eastland dorm (aka the set that was used throughout Season 1), Mayim Bialik answers the phone and looks disappointed when it's a call for her snooty schoolmate, Ashley Payne. She grumbles about Ashley's snootiness to Sara and a spaced-out looking Juliette Lewis - but Juliette Lewis just mumbles about how much she haaaaates Eastland and is writing a letter to her parents, begging them to let her come home. Ashley, meanwhile, ends her phone call and announces to everyone in the dorm that, starting now, boys are going to be allowed to attend Eastland. 

Blair and Pippa arrive at the dorm...and when Pippa introduces Blair to Ashley, Ashley pompously informs Blair that she needs to be nice to her 'cause she's the daughter of the man who approved her loan, and he hates it whenever he finds out that she's unhappy. After she struts off, Pippa fills in Blair about how Ashley isn't exactly the most beloved girl at Eastland, which...shocker. A few seconds later, Wes Mitchell arrives and tells Pippa to get lost and study 'cause he wants to speak privately with Blair, and Blair clears the rest of the room by threatening to rope them into singing a medley of folk songs. Wes chucklingly tells Blair he definitely digs her, but that she should sell the school to someone who knows what the hell they're doing...and after she's done that, she should feel free to give him her phone number. Blair reminds him that Eastland is in desperate need of a new headmaster, then announces that the job has just been filled: by her! [Um, OK...congrats, I guess (?), but it remains unclear what's to become of Blair's law career, given that she's now committed herself to spending every waking moment running the school she just purchased and appointed herself in charge of.]

Seth Green and his pals arrive at the dorm and shriek, "Eastland! We are here!" and express their number one priority: finding the girls. When they ask Blair where they're supposed to bunk, she ambiguously directs them upstairs...and as the boys race up to the second floor, Wes points out that she just permitted a horde of young horny boys to occupy the same bedrooms as the girls.

​Womp womp!

Recap: In a burst of spring cleaning, Beverly Ann and Jo turn over the couch so that they can clean out all the dust, while Natalie returns home from campus with Tootie and announces that she just took her last exam and is convinced that she flunked out of Langley. Tootie tells her not to think the worst and be optimistic - at least until she receives her grades in the mail in a few weeks. Andy and Pippa enter the room carrying an old lamp and an ancient toaster and wonder what they should do with the items, so Blair suggests hosting one of those events that peddles old junk to passersby...and Andy has to explain that she's referring to a garage sale, and that, yeah, it's a great idea. 

Tootie suggests to Natalie that she take her mind off her (failing) grades by tagging along with her to Manhattan this Friday while she auditions for a theater role. Natalie perks up at that idea and proposes they make it a weekend trip, then says she has a friend named Cory who lives in a SoHo loft and once told her that she has an open invitation to stay at her place any time she wants. 
 
Natalie and Tootie arrive at Cory's SoHo loft and find a spare key hidden beneath the cap of a bum who's slumped in the hallway and who the writers expect viewers to believe is actually an art sculpture. The two let themselves in and find aspiring artist Claire, who's sitting on the couch with Christmas lights wrapped around herself along with a large ON/OFF sign, and who proudly admits to "sculpting" the hallway bum. Natalie and Tootie are all, "Wha-a-at's going on here?" and ask her if Cory is home, so Claire tells them that Cory got a job on a game show and abruptly moved out - but that she's A-OK with two complete strangers crashing in the disordered loft apartment she shares with three other people. One of the other roommates, a sassy aspiring dancer named Nina, says that she too is totes fine with it, then begins her stretching regimen.  

Roommate #3, an aspiring actor played by a young Richard Grieco, returns home, complaining about how all directors are swine. He rails at Tootie about his unsuccessful audition for Hamlet, and Tootie's like, "Hey, weren't you in a margarine commercial?" and wanks him about how awesome he was in it.

Roommate #4, played by a young David Spade, breezes through the door and announces to everyone that rent is due Monday and that the amount will be increased by a third due to Cory's sudden departure. As the three lament their lack of adequate funds 'cause of how hard it is to make ends meet when one is an aspiring whatever, David Spade draws up a schedule of stereo use, finally notices that Tootie and Natalie are in his orbit and asks them who the hell they are, then changes into scrubs and heads off to the hospital where he works as a third year medical student. 

Later, Natalie returns to the loft and excitedly yammers at Claire about how she could feel the energy of New York pulsating beneath her feet...and says this as if she's in the big city for the first time, as opposed to someone who, I'm pretty sure, grew up in New York. Claire serves her one of Nina's Twinkies and wryly tells her that the pulsating energy she's feeling is actually the underground subway, har har. Natalie says she came up with a great idea for a story as she was walking Tootie to her audition, and Claire's like, "That's nice" and reminds Richard Grieco that they have to be at work (waiting tables) in an hour. When the roommates once again complain about the unaffordable rent, Natalie suggests they ask their parents for money...and they shoot her seriously? looks before explaining that a more helpful solution would be to find a roommate to take Cory's place. [Hmm...I wonder who that will be?] As Nina heads off to her jobs as a dog walker and New York tour guide, Richard Grieco complains about his ongoing failure in landing acting gigs. Claire suggests that perhaps it's because he's too good looking, and he mulls that over and decides that, yep, that must be the reason. 

As Natalie helps Richard Grieco with his tie, he asks her if she wouldn't mind breaking his nose to give his face some character, but she tells him she's not into committing senseless acts of violence. After that, Claire shows her a conceptual art piece she created, but is having problems making any money from, so Natalie offers to try selling it in Washington Square, then gushes again about how inspired she is every minute of the day being in New York. Tootie returns from her audition and is so bummed by how terrible she thinks she did that all she wants to do is catch the next train to Peekskill and wallow in her misery. Natalie's like, "Uh, about that.." and breaks the news that she's decided to take Cory's spot in this SoHo loft so that she can stay in New York and fulfill her dream of becoming a writer. Tootie stares back at her in mute bewilderment, as do the four roommates who look as though this is the first they're hearing of Natalie's declaration to join their chaotic household.

After the commercial break, Natalie elaborates, "They need a roommate. I need a change", then directs her attention to her future roommates and assures them that she can afford to pay rent...and so they assure her, in that case, they're delighted with her moving in. As the roommates head out to continue their artistic lives reaching for the stars, Tootie tells Natalie she can't just leave her here and that she suspects she's making this drastic change 'cause of how afraid she is of failing at Langley. Natalie argues that she's able to write soooooo much better when she's in New York and insists that now is the perfect time for her to launch her career as a writer. Tootie reluctantly accepts this life decision and sadly tells Natalie that she's going to miss her and gives her a goodbye hug.

Days later, Richard Grieco wraps himself in a bedsheet and delivers a medley of movie and stage monologues, which Nina jokingly calls his greatest hits. Claire asks Natalie when she's finally going to go to Peekskill to get her stuff, and Natalie vaguely replies, "Oh, whenever" ... and a few seconds later, Claire and Richard Grieco head off to do laundry, while Nina departs to teach a ballet class. David Spade, meanwhile, returns home from his hospital shift, listens to Natalie yammer about Nina's anxiety about not yet making it as a dancer, then coldly asks, "What are you doing here?" He complains that every time he turns around, there she is...and Natalie scrunches her face perplexedly and reminds him that she lives here and that he didn't have a problem accepting her rent check. David Spade mutters about the need to draw up a privacy schedule, then ambles over to the terrace to mope in solitude - but Natalie follows him and calls him out on his rude 'tude. He sadly shares that he lost his first patient tonight [despite the fact that he's currently just a third year medical student, and that it's highly doubtful anyone on the hospital's staff would have considered the deceased his patient - but then I'm a recapper, not a hospital physician]. Natalie gently tells him that her late dad was a surgeon and that he always said that the hardest part about being a doctor was not being able to cry...and, indeed, an emotional David Spade looks as though he's doing his best to keep the tears from spilling out.

Natalie returns to the loft after a trip to the grocery store...and when she finds only her purse strap around her shoulder, she realizes she's been mugged. She's so bummed by being the victim of a petty crime that she announces she's returning to Peekskill asap with her tail tucked between her legs. David Spade comforts her by telling her that when his mom got mugged, the hardest part of the ordeal was not crying, and Natalie reacts by bursting into laughter. Claire urges her to give New York a chance, and Richard Grieco points out that she still hasn't returned to Peekskill to pack up her stuff and bring it to the loft. Natalie concedes that she's been wavering about making a firm commitment to her new life as a struggling writer in the Big Apple, then declares that she's going to go back to Peekskill to wrap up what's left of her life there, then return to SoHo to properly launch a Facts of Life spin-off show that's never actually going to materialize.

In the next scene, Natalie is back in Peekskill, finishing up an article for The Peekskill Register, while the rest of the Facts gang is busy with the garage sale. Blair carries in Tootie's roller-skates from Season 1 and excitedly says she has a buyer for them...and a few seconds after she returns to the garage to complete the sale, Tootie returns home to excitedly announce that she got the part she auditioned for, and that it requires her to be on roller-skates for the majority of the time. The rest of the Facts gang is all, "Ack!" as they race out of the room to stop Blair from selling the old skates, despite it being unlikely that Tootie's feet would comfortably fit in them, eight years later. 

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: Beverly Ann is busily setting the breakfast table with a mountain of food - but when the Facts gang learns that she was the one who cooked it all, each beats a hasty retreat citing different reasons:

• Jo is observing a counselling group at the shelter
• Natalie is off to The Peekskill Register to work on the classifieds
• Andy is headed to the mall with Pippa to see about getting his ear pierced (and ignores Beverly Ann's warnings that he's forbidden from doing so)
• Tootie has theater rehearsal
• Blair has no excuse at her fingertips and sneaks out with Tootie

At the shelter, social worker Sandy is wrapping up a counselling session with a group consisting mostly of sassy underprivileged women, along with a low-spirited young girl named Melissa, who responds to all direct questions by mutely shrugging her shoulders. As the group disperses, Jo applauds Sandy for her excellent mediation abilities - but Sandy laments Melissa's ongoing emotional issues and says that the troubled girl could really use some special attention. Jo decides that she's up to the task and wanders over to where Melissa is moping and invites her out to an evening at Fun Land, a local amusement park. Sandy chimes in and says that she'd be totes into going as well, and Melissa shrugs and says that since she has nothing better to do with her time, why the hell not? 

Andy is sitting at the dining table with a needle, rubbing alcohol, and some cotton, psyching himself up to stab his ear. Pippa reminds him that Beverly Ann has forbidden him from piercing his ear - but Andy points out that, technically, she told him he wasn't allowed to get his ear pierced at the mall. Before he's able to penetrate his earlobe, Natalie enters the room and warns him that, if he does it himself, his ear could get infected...and a few seconds later, Beverly Ann comes downstairs, prompting Andy to hastily gather up his ear piercing stuff and dash out of the room. Beverly Ann tells Natalie that she's aware of how desperately Andy wants to pierce his ear and how determined she is that he not...so Natalie reminds her that everyone does strange things that seem odd to others, and calls out Beverly Ann on the Mo tattoo she has on her "back there" and can't help wondering who Mo could possibly be. Beverly Ann explains that, during the wild days of her youth, she and a friend were dared by a group of boys to get a tattoo. She had originally intended to get Mom tattooed on her backside...but when the first two letters hurt so much, she ran out of the tattoo place and never returned. She breezily says that her partial tattoo is merely a memento of how young and wacky she once was, and Natalie points out that this is the same kind of reasoning that makes Andy think he needs to get his ear pierced.

Jo returns home from Fun Land with Melissa and Sandy in tow. Melissa clutches the stuffed animal she won and gushes animatedly about what an amaaaaaazing time she had. After she's directed to the kitchen for some water, Jo tells Sandy that Melissa really just needed someone to include her in their social circle - but Sandy argues that Melissa's joyous mood is a clear sign that she's at the high end of her manic depressive mood swings [for which a doctor should probably be prescribing her medication]. As Jo concernedly mulls that over, Melissa re-enters the room and reports that a strange lady just offered to defrost some oatmeal for her, so Jo explains that that was Beverly Ann, then jokes that she's fine as long as they all pretend that nothing's wrong with her. Melissa's mood abruptly darkens as she says, "Just like me, right?" and shoots Sandy an accusing stink-eye. Jo insists that she was just making a joke - but Melissa says she's well aware that they talk about her whenever she leaves the room, then complains about being treated like a lab mouse. She throws her stuffed toy at Jo and shrieks, "Thanks for nothing!" and storms out...and Sandy cautions Jo against chasing after her, despite acknowledging the high probability that Melissa is at imminent risk of self harm. 

The next day at the shelter, Jo is on the phone with Rick describing what she's wearing (!) ... and the two are cooing about how much they miss each other when someone bursts in and yells that there's a person on the roof of the building next door who looks like they're about to jump. Jo's all, "Ack!" and assumes that the troubled individual is Melissa - but when she arrives at the scene of the imminent suicide, she's stunned to see that it's Sandy clinging onto the ledge warning, "Stay away from me Jo, or I'm gone."

After the commercial break, Jo tells Sandy that she had expected to see Melissa clinging to the ledge, [not the subpar social worker who hasn't seemed very proactive about getting Melissa the kind of meds and/or psychiatric help she so clearly needs]. Sandy tells her that Melissa ran off in the middle of the night, and that her mind suddenly snapped from dealing with ten years of Melissas. Jo snarlingly chides her for being stupid and urges her to climb back inside so they can end this now neighborhood-wide spectacle, and Sandy chides her for being openly hostile to a suicidal person 'cause it generally leads to a poor outcome. Jo sheepishly begs Sandy to pleeeeeease come inside 'cause she's been out there long enough, but to no avail.

A police officer named Bill arrives on the scene, and a relieved Jo says she hopes he has lots of practical experience talking people down from ledges. He's like, "Uh, not so much" and tells her that whenever he gets a call like this, Sandy's the person the department relies upon to resolve the situation. When he announces that he's going to lumber off and take his sweet time finding someone who's adequately trained to handle a possible suicide-in-progress, Sandy tells him not to bother 'cause she'd much prefer to saddle Jo with this responsibility. 

Jo decides to demonstrate her empathy for Sandy's fragile mental state by climbing onto the ledge with her so that both of them can crap their pants about the possibility of one or both of them (wittingly and/or unwittingly) plunging to their death. A few seconds later, Natalie arrives, pokes her head out of the window, and says she's here to cover this potential tragedy for The Peekskill Register and would like to ask Sandy a few questions while she's still in one piece. Jo tells her to get lost...and while she's doing that to go find Melissa, a despondent looking girl brown haired girl who might be hanging out at Fun Land and who might be able to convince Sandy to not end it all. Natalie's like, "I'm on it!" and races off.

Blair arrives at the shelter and is all, "Whassup with all the loud, unsupervised kids?", so a shelter regular tells her that the place is in total chaos 'cause there's a suicide attempt in progress on the roof of the building next door.

As Jo prattles to Sandy about her various elementary school teachers, Sandy accuses her of stalling (no doubt with the faint hope that Officer Bill is going to return asap with a suicide prevention expert). Blair suddenly appears in the window and cries, "Jo! Don't do it!", promises to do anything to prevent her from killing herself, and professes her love for her (!). Jo snappishly retorts that she's not the one who wants to jump and motions at Sandy, and Blair urges Sandy to listen to Jo before flippantly pointing out, "Dead people can't shop." After Blair gives up on the situation, Sandy sadly recalls that she once counselled a troubled kid who ended it all with a gun...and Jo urges her to not go down that same path, 'cause surely there are less self-destructive ways in which she can process her grief and frustration. Sandy condescendingly tells Jo that she has absolutely noooooo idea what she's dealing with...and that since she's not a mental health professional of any kind, she's not equipped to properly help her sort through with her over-abundance of emotional pain. No duh, Einstein.

Natalie has somehow tracked Melissa down and brings her to the window. Sandy says she's relieved to see that Melissa's OK - but Melissa looks uninterested in doing fuck all the help defuse the situation and mumbles, "Hey, if she wants to jump, let her. Life stinks anyway." Jo's like, "The fuck?!" and orders Natalie to get Debbie Downer outa here pronto. 

Sandy tells Jo to just let her do what she feels she needs to do, so Jo's like, "What about meeeeeeee?" and says she's thinking seriously of becoming a licensed social worker. Sandy applauds that career choice and tells her to go for it, but Jo glumly adds, "Not if the job is going to make me want to kill myself." Sandy urges her not to give up, to which Jo sourly retorts, "Like you're doing?", so Sandy sheepishly explains that she's unable to separate herself from her work and really really hates losing people to suicide. Jo reminds her that the best she can be expected to do is save the ones she can, and then decides 'fuck this' as she inches her way back towards the window. Sandy reacts by deciding that she wants to live after all and cries, "Don't leave me out here!", and Jo helps her climb into the safety of the building. 

Back at the residence, Blair is regaling the Facts gals with the tall tale of how she managed to talk Sandy off the ledge. A few seconds later, Andy and Beverly Ann return home...and when Andy shows off his new pierced ear, Beverly Ann explains that she happily paid for it, and fully approves of his decision 'cause, after all, it is his ear. Andy tells Jo he heard about her heroism in saving Sandy...and Blair adds that she was worried when she saw Jo on the ledge, but mostly 'cause she gave her an advance on her salary. As everyone chortles at the episode's breezy 'all's well that end's well' denouement, Jo somehow refrains from making mention of whatever long-term impact Sandy's near suicide is going to have on 1) herself, 2) the under-resourced police department, and 3) Melissa and other troubled inhabitants of the shelter who continue to receive terrible social services.

Recap: Pippa returns home after a shopping trip with Blair and explains to Beverly Ann that she's not at band tryouts as expected 'cause the entire music program at Eastland is getting scrapped due to lack of funds [laying the groundwork for Eastland's imminent bankruptcy]. She laments not having the opportunity to join band, 'cause it's something that the cool kids do [unlike in any high school I've ever heard of], and Jo points out that since she's friends with her and the rest of the Facts gals, she's automatically cool by association.

A deliveryman arrives to drop off a bouquet of flowers to Jo, aka Sex Goddess...and Jo tells the deliveryman that they're from her husband, who can be a real prankster. The deliveryman's like, "Hey, don't sell yourself short" ... but then goes on to say that she wouldn't look half bad if she tamed her unruly mullet and wore less frumpy clothes. LOL - but fair point.

Jeff arrives at the house...and after he and Tootie suck face for what seems like an extraordinarily looooong time, he hands her a wrapped gift and tells her it's from his (well to do) grandmother in Buffalo, aka a tough old bird who insists on being called Grandmother Rogers. Tootie gushes about how touched she is that his grandmother would give her a gift, then opens the box and pulls out an unsightly, ginormous pendant heirloom necklace. Tootie looks taken aback by the tackiness of the heavy piece and delicately tells Jeff she doesn't know what to say...and after Blair remarks on how it resembles something that's used to anchor her family's yacht - LOL - Jeff blurts out, "How about: 'that sucker's ugly'?" and assures her that she only needs to wear it whenever they go to Buffalo to visit Grandmother Rogers. Tootie says she's kind of OK with that compromise, then tells him she'd like to thank her future grandmother-in-law for her thoughtfulness, so he picks up the phone and dials her number...and when Tootie starts chatting with the old lady, she's somewhat aghast to learn that she plans to be in Peekskill this weekend.​

Pippa asks Andy to give her the straight dope about how well she's fitting in at Eastland (turns out, not), then asks him how she can get an in with the cool kids. Andy advises her to throw an outrageous party (with him in attendance, naturally), and shares that Saturday night will be the perfect time to do it 'cause Beverly Ann and the Facts gals all have plans that'll take them outside the house for much of the evening. 

On Saturday, Andy arrives home with a big bagful of party supplies, and Pippa shoos him to the kitchen - just as Beverly Ann enters the living room to announce that she's off to wherever she's going for several hours. After that, Blair, Natalie, and Jo head out to a Moroccan restaurant that Natalie's reviewing for The Peekskill Register...and a few seconds later, Jeff arrives to pick up Tootie for a date. He tells her that Grandmother Rogers' flight was delayed due to foggy conditions at the Buffalo airport, which means that she gets a reprieve (until tomorrow) from having to wear her new ginormous pendant necklace. Tootie's all, "Phew!" and hastily takes it off and puts it into the nearest desk drawer...and once they leave for their dinner date, Pippa gets into party mode by turning the stereo on, while Andy lays out the snacks.

As the teenage partygoers arrive, one snooty it girl urges Pippa to glitz up her outfit, so Pippa decides 'why not accessorize my poofy '80s dress with Tootie's tacky pendant necklace?' and fishes it out of the desk drawer. She then spends the majority of the evening nervously trying to manage the party, which entails preventing a cigarette smoker from lighting up, and chasing a group of kids, in the process of making mixed drinks, out of the kitchen. She openly regrets throwing this party and begins urging people to leave - just as Blair, Jo, and Natalie return home unexpectedly early from the Moroccan restaurant. When Pippa wails about how she can't get the partygoers to go home, Jo picks up a tray and a large utensil and bangs on it while loudly ordering everyone to get the hell outa her house. Once the kids have all exited, Andy stumbles into the room wrapped in a blanket and fake sleepily tells Pippa to keep it down next time she has friends over. Pippa rips off the blanket, unwittingly creating a spectacle of him clad in just his underwear, to which the studio audience [consisting of, I'm guessing, mostly pre-pubescent girls] reacts by wooting excitedly at his tiny undeveloped pecs. When she points out that Andy has lipstick all over his cheek from making out in the closet with one of the partygoers, he sheepishly confesses his role in the party planning and agrees to help clean up the house. It's at that point that Pippa suddenly realizes that the pendant from the tacky necklace she "borrowed" from Tootie is no longer around her neck and cries, "Crikey! It's gone!" Egads!

​The following morning, Pippa is still unable to find the pendant and steels herself to admit her misdeeds to the rest of her housemates. When Beverly Ann hears her confession, she reacts by nonchalantly fixing herself a bowl of cereal and calmly saying that there's no point in punishing her, since, "By the time Tootie's done with you, there won't be anything left to punish." A few seconds later, Tootie enters the kitchen and says she can't seem to find the hideous pendant necklace she's going to need to wear when she meets Grandmother Rogers later, and Pippa confesses to having a party last night and decided to glitz up her look by wearing the pendant necklace, which has been MIA since last night. An enraged Tootie growls, "How daaaaaaare you take something of mine without asking!" and Beverly Ann coos at her to calm down and have some breakfast, 'cause she's certain that once they start searching the house thoroughly, eventually they're going to stumble across the grisly thing. Tootie takes her advice and turns on the blender to make her morning smoothie - but when it makes a weird grinding noise, she suddenly discovers exactly where her pendant necklace ended up. When she pulls a chunk of the broken piece of jewelry out of the blender and stares at it with a look of panicked horror, Beverly Ann chuckles, "I told you we'd find it." LOL.

Jo tries to fix the pendant with glue, but merely accomplishes gluing her fingers together. Blair, meanwhile, attempts to solve the problem by handing Tootie a less tacky pendant necklace to wear - but Tootie doubts that Grandmother Rogers is going to accept a substitute for the original and suggests going with Plan C: pretend as if their house got robbed last night and the fugly pendant necklace was the only thing the thieves made off with.

Jeff arrives at the house and introduces Grandmother Rogers to Natalie when she answers the door, and the old lady scrunches her face disapprovingly as she says, "I certainly hope you're not the fiancée." Jeff assures her she's not, then steers her to where Tootie is standing and introduces her. Grandmother Rogers snarls, "What kind of name is Tootie?", then asks if that's the name of the dog on The Wizard of Oz. Toto - I mean Tootie prompts Jo to execute Plan C, but Jo and the rest of the Facts gals respond by wisely beating a hasty retreat. 

Tootie politely asks Grandmother Rogers how the flight, food, and in-flight movie were, and she's like, "Awful, awful, and there is no movie on short flights", then chides her grandson for hooking up with such a clueless dumbbell. She asks Tootie why she isn't wearing the pendant she gave her, so Tootie 'fesses up and informs her and Jeff that it accidentally got churned up in the blender. Grandmother Rogers looks deeply upset by that news, then moans as she slumps against the couch cushions...and when a concerned Jeff asks her if she's OK, she snappishly retorts that he'd better hope she's dying, 'cause once she regains consciousness she's going to hit him with something heavy. Tootie apologizes profusely for the mishap and begs for her forgiveness, but Grandmother Rogers reacts to that by telling her grandson that it's prolly a good thing this happened, 'cause otherwise he might have made the mistake of thinking that this careless woman was acceptable wife material. She then gets up from the couch and orders Jefferson to come along, and he meekly obeys while covertly promising Tootie that he'll call her later.

In the communal bedroom, Tootie rails about Grandmother Rogers' hatred of her 'cause of what happened to the pendant. Jo points out that her dad hated Rick with the intensity of a thousand suns until he quickly came around before the end credits rolled - but Blair points out that, in this case, Jeff is being forced to choose between love and money...then offers her condolences to Tootie. Pippa enters the room and offers to take full responsibility for what happened to the pendant, but Tootie declines and says that she's going to need to confront Grandmother Rogers herself and not let the crusty old grumpy-pants run roughshod over her relationship with Jeff.

The next morning, Jeff and Grandmother Rogers drop by for visit #2 - just as Natalie announces that she's off to file her restaurant review with The Peekskill Register...and Blair and Jo hastily join her. Grandmother Rogers sternly tells Tootie she has something to say to her - but Tootie interrupts and says she first wants to get a couple of things off her chest:

1. She apologizes again for losing track of the pendant and then grinding it up in the blender, but emphasizes that it was an accident
2. She snarkishly makes it clear to the old lady that she has no business telling her grown ass grandson who he can and can't marry

Grandmother Rogers haughtily tells her that she came by this morning to apologize for her bitchitude yesterday...then dials back the haughtiness and adds that Jefferson should consider himself the luckiest man on earth if he marries such a strong-willed young woman. As Tootie brightens at the compliment, Grandmother Rogers gushes about what a fine wife she'll be to Jefferson, then stretches her arms wide as she welcomes her to the family. Tootie leans in for a hug and invites her to stay in Peekskill a little longer so that they can hang out and get to know each other better. Grandmother Rogers says she has a plane to catch, but is willing to take a later flight...and Jeff decides it's the perfect time to tell his overbearing grandmother that he really doesn't care for being called Jefferson. She responds to that quasi-criticism by shooting him the stink-eye and snappishly retorting, "Don't push it, son."

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Recap: While the gals are playing Monopoly, Rick drops by Casa Facts gang with a hot blonde he introduces as Miss Wanda, along with a board titled What's My Question? and four hidden words. He then starts acting like a weird game show host as he invites the Facts gang to guess his question for Jo by cracking the the first word (spoiler: WILL) and hints that the second word is a homonym for sheep (spoiler: EWE), and I think it's obvious where this episode is headed. When Natalie correctly guess that Rick's question to Jo is Will you marry me?, Tootie shrieks, "Yes!" - LOL - as the rest of the Facts gang exchanges seriously? looks 'cause of how brief and chemistry-free their relationship has seemed thus far. [Or maybe that's just me, projecting.] Jo tells Rick she'd prefer to not answer such an important question in front of a crowd, so the two head into the kitchen...and a few seconds later Rick excitedly scampers back into the living room to announce that Jo said maybe. He then gabbles about how he has a wedding to plan and rushes off, and Blair shakes her head in disbelief about Jo being proposed to before her. 

Andy asks Jo if he's going to have to wear a suit to her wedding, and she reminds him that she hasn't even decided whether or not she's going to marry Rick, and snarls that she doesn't want to hear anything about marriage or weddings - just as Casey drops by and says, "Hey, there's the future Mrs. Bonner." Jo sighs and says she hasn't actually accepted his proposal, and a bemused Casey tells her that Rick made it sound like it was a done deal. He then says he's here to take Blair out and asks if she's ready for their dinner date, and Andy and Pippa rush upstairs to see what's keeping her. Casey tells Jo that he'd be more than happy to cover for her at the shelter while she's honeymooning - just as Rick arrives and greets Jo with a kiss and, "Hi honey, I'm home", then asks Casey to be his best man 'cause he doesn't really have anyone else resembling a male friend. Jo reminds him that she hasn't actually said yes to marrying him yet, but Rick breezily says it's just a matter of time.

Blair descends the staircase looking gorge in a sexy black dress...and, incidentally, there's no evidence of the grisly scar across her forehead from the car vs. tree accident during the previous episode that so devastated her. After the two head off on their date, Rick tells Jo that he loves her madly and is sure she feels the same way about him. He impatiently asks, "So why won't you just say yes?", so Jo explains that she wants to be absolutely, completely, 100% sure about her decision and not say yes on impulse, which will hurt him if things don't work out. Rick promises not to pressure her, but suggests they have banana splits for their wedding feast. Jo chuckles about offering that kind of decadent dessert to their guests as Rick groans, "We're not going to have to go through all this about sex, are we?" ... and judging from the weird way in which the Facts of Life writers dealt with fully grown Natalie's first time in the sack with Snake, I'd venture to say, "Um, probably..?" 

Blair and Casey return home from their dinner date and sit on opposite sides of the living room couch. Blair asks him if everything's OK 'cause of how strangely he's been acting, and he tells her that all this wedding talk with Rick and Jo has gotten him thinking about commitments and the two of them. He adds that he's been trying to think of a clever way all evening to ask her something, then starts to blurt out, "Blair, will you -" but she cuts him off and says she's been fantasizing about this special moment her entire life and would prefer it if he got down on bended knee as he asks what she's clearly assuming is her hand in marriage. He scrunches his face cluelessly while muttering, "Excuse me?", then kneels onto the floor to humor her while she dreamily closes her eyes and holds out her right hand as he proposes, "Why don't we live together?" Oh dear. Blair quietly absorbs the unexpected question, then stares at him with a 'the fuck?' expression, so he explains that while he loves her, he doesn't believe in the institution of marriage, citing the divorces of both their parents. A deflated Blair's like, "But what about our children?" and makes it clear that she can't imagine a life without kids, and he looks weirded out by the prospect of being a father and tells Blair he doesn't want to talk about this anymore, but is certain that they'll somehow be able to find some middle ground. Blair unhappily asks, "What's the middle ground between marriage and living together?" and he just stares back at her mutely.

Rick knocks on the outside of Jo's bedroom window with a sock puppet on his hand, and Jo tells the puppet she needs more time to contemplate the prospect of marriage to a man who thinks it's reasonable to communicate via sock puppet. Rick then climbs on a higher rung of the ladder so that he can lean against the window sill and mime for Jo a pretend photo album that their future children cobbled together for them on their fiftieth wedding anniversary, chronicling the various milestones of their not yet existent family. He earnestly promises to get a regular job on the concert circuit and will take a night job if that's what's required to provide for her and their future children. A touched looking Jo asks, "You really mean that, don't you?" and Rick says that, yep, he does and assures her that despite the fact that he acts like an immature assclown most days, "Deep down there's a very serious guy who would do anything to be married to you." Jo chews on that for a few seconds, decides that that pronouncement is good enough for her, and happily accepts his proposal of marriage. 

As Blair enters the bedroom, Rick blurts out, "She said yes!" and falls off the ladder in the process - but he hastily assures Jo he's fine, and that he's off to call the caterer. Blair congratulates Jo on her impending nuptials, then looks deeply touched when Jo asks her to serve as her maid of honor. Jo then says that Casey has been tapped to be Rick's best man, and teasingly adds, "Who knows where that might lead the two of you..", and Blair keeps mum about her last troubling conversation with Casey and says, "You never know", but then stares sadly into space when Jo's not looking.

The Facts gang (sans Andy) are in the communal bedroom, chowing down on snacks and enjoying Jo's bachelorette party, while the menfolk (Rick, Jeff, Snake, Casey, Charlie, and Andy) are in the living room, smoking cigars and drinking beer. Andy tells Rick to soak up bachelorhood before he's permanently stuck with the ol' ball and chain, and Charlie wryly reminds him that the ol' ball and chain to which he's referring is his daughter. 

The ladies and the menfolk gabble about the pros and cons of marriage - until both Jo and Rick decide they can't listen anymore and take a break from their respective parties.  They run across each other in the upstairs hallway and agree that all this talk about 'the give and take' of marriage is freaking them both out, but then lean into each other for a passionate, pre-matrimonial smooch.

The next day, Jo and her mom Rose enjoy some special mother/daughter time before Jo has to change into her wedding gown...and, wow, these nuptials are really moving along at breakneck speed. After that, Blair enters the room and gushes to Jo about this being her big day, but also the end of an era of four Facts gals living under the same roof with a housemother year after year despite them having been fully grown women by mid-series. After Tootie and Natalie enter the room to gush about all the romance that's in the air, Rick knocks on the door and insists on speaking to Jo asap. The Facts gals warn that it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding... but when he says he thinks they might need to postpone the wedding, he's permitted inside the room with his eyes covered. He explains to Jo that the American Philharmonic Orchestra just offered him a job, which is excellent [yet somewhat implausible] news, and will entail him going on tour for a month starting at 6:00am tomorrow morning. Jo looks unfazed by the unexpected development and points out that it's only a month, and that she'll stay at Casa Facts gang to ride out the remainder of Season 9...and when he returns, they'll look for their own place. Rick is thrilled by how supportive and understanding she is and happily declares the wedding back on.

Inside the chapel, Charlie and Rose compliment each other on the phenomenal job they've each done raising Jo...and a few seconds later, the guests and wedding party assemble for the ceremony. As Charlie walks Jo up the aisle, he covertly tells her that if she has any second thoughts about marrying the man-child, his car's out back with the motor running...but Jo chucklingly tells him that she's A-OK being legally shackled to a sophomoric imbecile for the rest of her life. As the ceremony gets underway, the minister announces that he has a special reading that the couple gave to him, which amounts to: "Marriage is a wonderful thing." LOL. The two then exchange vows and rings and are pronounced husband and wife...and Rick says that since he's about to go on tour for a month, they're outa there. 

As Casey escorts Blair down the aisle, he acknowledges that their coupling is suddenly facing a problem that has no solution. He says that the two of them being together is a wonderful thing - but she reminds him how crazy she's always driven him...with which he concurs, then tells her she's going to make someone a great wife. She replies, "Yes, I will" and I guess that's the end of that. 

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: Casey is over at Casa Facts Gang, watching TV with the volume turned off so that Blair can concentrate on studying for an upcoming exam. When Jo and Natalie return home after seeing a movie, Jo tells Casey that she'd like to show him and Blair some budgetary figures on the cost of offering child care at the shelter. Blair tells her that she's soooooo tired and would prefer to do it another time - but Jo insists that right now is the perfect time and runs upstairs to fetch her paperwork.

Pippa tells Natalie that she's been assigned to write a biography of a great American industrialist, and Natalie suggests that she interview Blair, since she comes from a long line of successful industrialists (though she may want to skip over the segregationist grandfather). Casey says he should probably head home now and urges Blair to get some much needed sleep - just as Jo re-enters the living room with her budget papers. Casey tells her he can't look at that right now 'cause he's going home, then gives Blair a series of light kisses before exiting. Once he's safely out of earshot, Pippa and Jo gush about how much he clearly likes her...and a few seconds later, Casey returns to the house after discovering that his car won't start. Blair eagerly offers to give him a ride home and promises Pippa that she'll be back soon and can answer any of her questions about her industrialist family. (Even though a minute ago she was far too tired to look at Jo's budget papers.)

Two hours later, Pippa has fallen asleep on the couch waiting for Blair to return - just as Tootie arrives home after a late night date. When the phone rings a few seconds later, Tootie answers and learns that Blair has been in a car accident.

As the Facts gang gathers at the hospital, a frantic looking Casey rushes in and asks how Blair's doing...and Jo solemnly tells him that the doctors are still assessing her injuries after she fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a tree. Ouch. Casey scrunches his face into a mournful expression and regrets accepting a ride home from her, especially knowing how tired she was - but Jo points out that there wouldn't have been any stopping her 'cause of how much she digs spending every possible moment with him. Casey recalls the way he endured watching TV with no sound just to be in Blair's presence - despite that she's vain, selfish, shallow, snooty, and expects everything to go her way. He chews on those unfavorable descriptors for a few seconds before asking, "So why do we care so much?" and Jo just kind of shrugs and says, "Because she's Blair, and there's nobody else like her."

Dr. Nichols enters the waiting room to give everyone an update: Blair is going to be A-OK...but because she suffered a head trauma, he wants to keep her in the hospital for observation. He says she's going to be asleep for the next while, so they thank him for tending to their loved one, and decide to go home and get some sleep. 

A few hours later, Jo tiptoes into Blair's hospital room to check in on her. Blair awakens and mumbles about not getting a chance to see her life flash before her eyes since she was fast asleep at the point when she hit the tree, then asks Jo to turn on the light and be honest about her grotesque appearance. Jo gives it to her straight: her face is bruised, and she has a fat lip and big white bandage across her forehead. Blair asks her for a mirror, but Jo's like, "Nope, nothing to see there" ... so Blair craftily asks her to please fill her water pitcher. When Jo obliges, Blair picks up the silver tray the pitcher was standing on and removes the bandage to reveal a nasty wound across her forehead, held together with black Frankenstein type stitches. She looks devastated by her monstrousness, then stares mournfully at Jo when she returns from the bathroom with the water pitcher. 

​After the commercial break, Blair tells Jo that she's far too despondent about the condition of her face to cry or scream...then tells a story about how, when she was just a tot, her mom bought her a pristine white dress, hat, and gloves and was sternly cautioned not to get any of it dirty 'cause even one tiny stain could ruin the whole outfit. She sadly adds that even one tiny mistake can change a person's life forever, to which Jo rightly points out that her injuries could have been a helluva lot worse - fatal, in fact - and advises her to put the bandage back over her wound, 'cause yeech , that facial gash is definitely an eyesore. Blair implores her to not tell a soul about how hideous her forehead looks, and Jo stares back at her with a grave expression before promising to keep mum about the injury. She then urges Blair to get some rest...and after she leaves the room, Blair stares sadly at her reflection before angrily throwing the silver tray onto the floor.

The next morning, Blair is on the phone with her mother, who's currently vacationing in St. Moritz and desperate to be by her injured daughter's side, and assures her that she's going to be fine. When Blair gets too overwhelmed by her mother's prattling, she hands the phone to Beverly Ann, who offers to pick Monica up from the airport after her plane lands.

Casey arrives at the hospital with a get well soon card for Blair...and after everyone exits the room to give them their privacy, Blair tells him that they shouldn't see each other anymore. When a dumbfounded Casey's all, "Wha-a-at are you talking about?", Blair says she's been thinking about dumping him for awhile now, and that the car accident gave her the kick in the pants she needed to discard him like yesterday's trash. She tells him she highly doubts that she's the woman he wants - but he doesn't buy that and points out that he should be the one who decides that. Blair approaches the dumping from a different angle and says, "Maybe you're not the guy I want", and Casey angrily retorts, "Oh, I see. Slumming time is over." He shoots her a bitter stink-eye, sarcastically thanks her for taking the time out of her busy schedule to give him the heave-ho, and storms out of the room. 

Jo returns home later than expected and explains to the Facts gang that Casey never showed up at the shelter to relieve her for the evening shift...so she's told that he went to visit Blair at the hospital and hasn't been seen since. A few seconds later, Casey drops by for a tête-à-tête with Jo to dish about Blair breaking up with him, no doubt because she blames him for the accident. Jo remains mute on the topic and abruptly excuses herself to go to the kitchen for some water, then asks Tootie and Natalie for some advice...and the two seem pleasantly surprised to be asked to weigh in on one of their street-smart friend's life decisions. Jo asks them if they've ever known her to break a promise...and when they're like, "Er, no..?", she natters about how keeping a promise in this instance would actually do the most harm to the "hypothetical" friend in question. Natalie nods knowingly and urges her to do whatever's possible to help Blair - yes, regardless of whether or not she forgives her. Jo chews on that for several seconds, then ambles back into the living room to spill the beans about Blair's forehead gash to Casey.

Casey drops by the hospital to tell Blair that he knows about her Frankenstein wound and to chide, "I can't believe you'd give up a very promising relationship because you're afraid to face me with a scratch on your head." Blair shoots him a hard stare before silently removing her bandage so that he can get an eyeful of the extent of the injury. Casey's all, "Ack!" and concedes that, yep, it's definitely scary looking - but hastily adds that it's not a valid reason to stop seeing each other. Especially considering that eventually the gash will fully heal and that she'll, no doubt, get a plastic surgeon to minimize the scarring.

Blair insists that everything has changed, and that she's no longer the Blair Warner of yore (aka pre-accident), self-piteously adding, "Blair Warner was a flawless beauty. I'm not" and points out that even with plastic surgery, she's likely always going to have a scar. Casey's like, "You're right, we definitely should stop seeing each other 'cause of your injury" and beats a hasty retreat...only to re-enter the room a few seconds later to tell her her to give him a little credit. He assures her he'd never walk out on her for something so dumb as having been in a car accident, but she despondently retorts that since she's damaged goods, she's less than perfect. Casey chuckles at that and says he loves her despite that she's always been less than perfect 'cause of her freakish nose - and Blair stares back at him, stunned by his admission of love. He insists that a scar couldn't possibly change his feelings for her, then shows her the various scars on his body from a bicycling mishap and a mountain climbing expedition that went awry. Blair admits that, nope, those scars don't change the fact that she too loves him...so he leans in to feather her face with a series of light kisses - until she suddenly remembers his earlier criticism and asks, "What is this about my nose?" just before the end credits roll...and nope, still no on-screen chemistry there.

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: Andy - who has somehow become the manager of a local teenage girl punk band titled The Witches of Eastland - finishes strumming an electric guitar and asks Pippa what she thinks of his new song, and she tells him that the band would likely find it way too tame. Andy disagrees and then performs the song, which translates to him haphazardly thrashing his hand at the guitar strings while bellowing the lyrics. Pippa decides that she looooves the song so much better now...and when she asks Jo (who made the mistake of wandering into the living room at that moment) to stay awhile and offer her opinion of their "music", Jo says she has no time 'cause there's a fundraising benefit for the shelter she needs to coordinate.

​Tootie returns home and announces that she booked a string quartet to perform at the benefit...and a few seconds later, Blair returns home and excitedly tells everyone that she managed to arrange for Sergio Pavan, a local rich guy who owns the Golden Mirror Spa, to attend the benefit and make a sizeable donation. Apparently he promised to match however much they're able to raise - but a condition seems to be that Blair and the rest of the Facts gals pay a visit to his spa for various treatments in order to get them all looking fabulous for the benefit. Natalie and Tootie squeal excitedly at the invitation, while Jo grumbles about how she has zero interest in being fussed over by spa employees. Blair solemnly tells her it's not an option to refuse Sergio's invitation, considering how much he's willing to donate to the shelter...and Jo eventually relents - but growlingly refuses to have anything on her body waxed. 

Pippa is decked out in a cute summer dress adorned with American-style Stars and Stripes - but one of The Witches of Eastland band members (Amy) snarkishly tells her she can't wear a dorky dress like that during an actual show, then criticizes her singing voice for lacking an ample amount of punk rock style pain. Following that, the rehearsal resumes, and Pippa belts out the lyrics for We're Bad Girls in Trouble, and neither Tootie nor Natalie are impressed enough by the band to not hastily excuse themselves from the living room to head over to the spa. 

Tootie and Natalie are at the Golden Mirror Spa dressed in pink bathrobes, and they're ready to indulge in several luxury treatments. Blair wanders over to ask them if they're having fun...then makes a beeline over to what looks like the spa manager (who talks with a thick faux French accent) to see if someone can remedy the darker-than-blonde hair growth that appears to be mysteriously sprouting atop her scalp. François urges her to relax and assures her that someone will be with her tout de suite to dye her dark roots.

Jo waddles into the main spa room with white cream spread all over her face and tissue stuffed between her toes. The pedicurist is chasing after her, begging her to sit down so that she can finish beautifying her toes, but Jo snaps, "Get away from me!" and makes it clear how desperate she is to leave. Blair urges her to stay long enough for the stylists to tend to her mulleted rat's nest...and across the room, François drops his faux French accent and points in the general direction of where Blair and Jo are standing and tell his flunky that that customer wants a bleach job done on her hair, and the flunky doesn't bother confirming exactly who he's talking about and mistakenly assumes that he's referring to Jo.

Tootie and Natalie return home from the spa looking fabulous in their new formalwear. A few seconds later, a less than enthused looking Jo makes her entrance decked out in a purple velvet evening gown with her normally brown mullet transformed into a slightly bushier blonde mullet. She snarls that the stylist mistook her for Blair, who ambles through the doorway donning an extremely fluffy bouffant of green hair. When Beverly Ann's all 'the fuck?', Tootie laughing explains that there was a mix-up with the hair dye, and so Blair was given a dark brunette tone that turned her hair into an Oscar the Grouch shade of green, while Jo was transformed into what she complains is an undesirable Pia Zadora look. Blair grumblingly mumbles, "At least you look human."

As the shelter's fundraising benefit gets underway, Tootie breaks the news to Jo that the string quartet she lined up for the benefit bailed on them 'cause they're a group of soulless dicks who opted to perform at a different benefit while offering zero advance notice. As Jo twitches nervously at that troubling development, Sergio Pavan makes his grand entrance and asks which one of them is Blair Warner. The camera pans over to a despondent looking Blair, who has hidden her green hair beneath a big black hat and matching head wrap and makes no attempt to self-identify herself as Blair (or, for that matter, demonstrate much in the way of politeness). Jo fibs and tells Sergio that she's Blair, and that the woman with the giant black hat atop her head is just one of the poor souls the shelter seeks to help...so Blair shoots back by introducing herself as Jo Poniaczek. LOL. Jo describes to Sergio the various services that the shelter provides to the needy and hapless, and he's like 'blah blah, social work is boring' and gushes about what a great job she's done planning this benefit, adding that nothing annoys him more than being asked to donate money during an event that offers no decent food or musical entertainment. He says he's very much looking forward to enjoying whatever show-stopping performers she has in store for everyone...and after he saunters off, Tootie and Natalie anxiously inform Jo that no one has pledged any donations - seemingly in retribution for the lack of classical violin/cello music. Tootie suggests that the four of them find some instruments just laying around and form an impromptu quartet (despite none of them knowing how to play) ... and we get a dream sequence of the Facts gals generating some pretty lacklustre sounding music on a variety of string instruments.

Beverly Ann, Andy, and Pippa arrive at the benefit...and when Pippa announces that The Witches of Eastland broke up 'cause of how sick she got of Amy's constant bullying, Tootie perks up and asks her if the band's equipment is nearby. Beverly Ann says it's in her Winnebago that's parked outside...and we get a second dream sequence in which the entire Facts gang is a punk band rocking out to We're Bad Girls in Trouble in front of the less-than-impressed benefit audience, including a visibly dismayed Sergio Pavan. It's a dream sequence that goes on for what seems like a really loooooong time, and I'll admit to hitting the fast forward button a few times to get through the bulk of it. 

Blair tells Jo that they should prolly 'fess up to Sergio about the no entertainment conundrum, so the two approach him and come clean about how the string quartet they booked cancelled on them at the last minute...and that the guests are becoming so bored and restless by the lack of musical entertainment that they're refusing to pledge any donations, the miserly pricks. Sergio stares fawningly at Jo and coos, "You're beautiful when you're honest" ... and when Blair snorts and mumbles, "Gimme a break", Sergio tells her to shut it while he's talking to Miss Warner. He then turns his attention back to Jo and pronounces, "There's something more important than music and food to put me in the giving mood. And that's honesty." 

Sergio pledges to donate a total of $20,000 to the shelter, then asks Jo if she and her friends enjoyed all of the primping they received at his spa. Blair gushes about much she loooooved it, and he's like, "Great. You can come back next weekend and experience it all over again!" to which Jo reacts by scrunching her face into an expression of horrified dismay.

​Womp womp!