Recap: Blair calls a meeting of Eastland's co-ed student body to 1) discuss their new living arrangements, and 2) admit that she made a totally avoidable error when she allowed the boys to charge upstairs upon their arrival without thinking 'oh wait - the dorm rooms are already occupied by girls'. She decrees that the girls will bunk in the east wing, the boys in the west wing...and never the twain shall meet while they're co-existing on the upper floor(s) of the dorm building. When someone asks Blair who the dorm supervisor is, she says that since she also hasn't given that role a moment's thought, for the time being she is, and Mayim Bialik cheers, "Yay! Hurray!", then hastily explains to the boys, who accuse her of being a suck-up, that she's only cheering 'cause Blair looks easy to take advantage of. Ashley snootily informs Blair that it's the dorm supervisor's night to buy them pizza and rent movies, and Wes Mitchell chuckles and says he can't wait to see what he can manipulate Blair into doing for his pleasure (!?), and Blair makes it clear to the kids, and to Wes, that she's not as gullible [and vulnerable to being sexually harassed] as they assume she is.
One of the boys tries to flirt with Juliette Lewis, but she's not into it and spacily rebuffs his advances. Blair watches with dismay as Seth Green attempt to flirt with Mayim Bialik...and after Mayim tells him to buzz off, Blair pulls Seth Green aside and says she's concerned about how overly randy he always seems to be. He fully admits that his prepubescent state has confused him to the point of he enjoys watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but at the same time yearns to ogle a naked Snow White. Blair chews on that nugget for a few seconds, then delivers an impromptu speech to the kids about how they can all contribute to making the most out of their Eastland experience...and the kids are all, "Bo-ring" and make a break for the nearest exit - except for Juliette Lewis, who glumly explains to Blair that she couldn't get up as quickly as everyone else 'cause her leg fell asleep.
Blair asks Juliette Lewis if something is making her unhappy, and she unconvincingly insists that she's very very happy...then pauses to thank Blair for asking.
When Blair returns to her office, she finds Wes Mitchell sitting in her chair with his feet on her desk...and for some reason she continues to refrain from setting any kind of boundaries regarding this arsehole's generally unprofessional and misogynistic 'tude. He informs her that they need to discuss Juliette Lewis, who's flunking biology after getting Fs on her last two exams. He gave her the opportunity to bump up her grade with a special project, but all she did was turn in a leaf, which she actually labelled leaf. LOL. He tells Blair that she's going to need to boot the slacker out of Eastland if she fails her science credits - just as Mrs. Grisbee interrupts the conversation to dish about how Juliette Lewis opted not to go home during spring vacation. Blair's all, "Wuh?" and interprets this to mean that something must be amiss in the girl's life. Captain Obvious then tells Wes about how hard it is to be a teenage girl nowadays and suggests that he give Juliette Lewis a makeup test, and Wes chides her for having a problem setting limits [uh huh], then once again quells any semblance of respect a faculty member should probably be demonstrating to the headmaster of the school that employs him when he cheekily adds, "In that case, I'm looking forward to our first date."
One of the boys tells Juliette Lewis he heard that she may get expelled from Eastland and that he'd be willing to take part in a sit-in or a hunger strike on her behalf. She spacily asks him if he'd be willing to set himself on fire for her cause, and he gives her a strange look ['cause, yep, she's definitely one strange bird] and replies, "Good luck at your new school."
Pippa and her gal pals admire a cute boy named Steve, who's standing across the room by the pay phone...and when none of them has the nerve to actually approach him, Ashley boldly tells them to "sit back and watch a woman go to work". She sashays over to Steve and flirtily invites him to join her for a study date at 8pm, then saucily adds, "Don't bother bringing your books" ... and Pippa and her gal pals coo their amazement at that kind of chutzpah.
Blair announces to the kids that dinner is being served in the cafeteria, then pulls Juliette Lewis aside and tells her that Mr. Mitchell has agreed to give her a makeup biology test tomorrow to see if she can turn her F into a passing grade. Juliette Lewis makes a weak promise to study, despite being visibly miffed that turning in a leaf didn't qualify as completing a special project. Sara, who was eavesdropping on the conversation, happily points out to Juliette Lewis that a makeup test means she might not get expelled from Eastland after all, and Juliette Lewis sarcastically mutters, "Yeah, perfect" and seems less than thrilled by the prospect of staying.
Juliette Lewis has gussied herself up and announces to Sarah and Ashley that she's off to the Chugalug Bar to drink alcohol and flirt with the local winos. When Sara and Ashley point out that she should prolly be spending the evening studying for her science makeup test, she shrugs and nonsensically retorts, "If you wanna have some fun, you gotta take some chances." She then heads out - just as Seth Green bursts through the door to ensure that the girls' dorm room is "up to code", which translates to the horny little imp proceeding to rifle through Ashley's panty drawer. Ashley tells Sara that she too wants to "take some chances" and go to the Chugalug Bar with Juliette Lewis...and Sara reluctantly agrees to tag along with the two of them. Seth Green, who no one has yet told to get lost, tells Ashley he'd like to stay and watch her get changed, and she chuckles at his horny audacity and ushers him out of the room in a way more placid manner than I would have expected from her.
Wes escorts Blair back to the dorm - just as Seth Green is about to sneak out. They ask him whassup with him nearly breaking curfew, and he immediately cracks under questioning and spills the beans about Juliette Lewis, Sara, and Ashley partying at the Chugalug. Blair insists to Wes that she can deal with this sitch on her own, and heads out to the cheap dive of a watering hole where she herself once sneaked with the rest of the Facts gals during the Season 2 premiere.
A barfly approaches Juliette Lewis and uses a tired old pick-up line on her, but she brushes him off just as Ashley and Sara arrive. The three seat themselves at a table...and when the waitress comes over, she glares at them suspiciously and asks them how old they are - but doesn't bother waiting for a retort and says she's only willing to serve them one round of root beers before they have to skedaddle. Ashley sashays over to the bar and brazenly comes onto the guy standing there, and he's all, "Whoa, I like your style" and swoops her nearly to the ground before planting her lips with a giant smooch. He then invites her to his place, and she reacts by shoving him away and snarling that she has PE in the morning. Sara nervously says she wants to leave before they get caught - but Juliette Lewis insists on staying, while Ashley chucklingly points out that with Blair Warner running Eastland, they can pretty much do whatever they want whenever they want without that airhead being the wiser - just as Blair suddenly pops up behind them and makes it clear how deep in doo-doo the three of them are. She orders them to exit the bar and hightail it back to Eastland...and when Juliette Lewis makes no move to get up from her chair, Blair says she's most disappointed in her 'cause she went out on a limb [though not a very long one] to get Wes to agree to give her a science makeup test, and now she has no choice but to expel her. Juliette Lewis shrugs in her usual spacey, unperturbed fashion and mumbles, "You do what you have to do." As they head towards the door, the waitress informs Blair that the girls haven't paid their tab - just as the barfly who had come onto Juliette Lewis earlier uses his pick-up line on Blair and offers to buy her a drink. She blushes prettily and says, "Sure, I'll have three root beers" and hands him the bill. LOL.
Later, Blair wakes Juliette Lewis and tells her it's finally dawned on her that she's been messing up on purpose in order to get expelled from Eastland. Juliette weakly denies that, but then admits that she really really wants to go home. Blair tells her that if she truly hates it here she'd be more than happy to help her pack up her stuff - but Juliette Lewis tears up and explains that her parents are getting a divorce, and that she feels like she should be at home, helping them patch things up. Blair absorbs that tidbit for a few seconds before launching into a story about a boy (aka her) whose parents were on the verge of divorce...and that while he was at a boarding school (aka Eastland), he felt guilty for abandoning his family - before realizing that he had no ability to fix their marital problems. He soon decided that his job was to get good grades, make friends, and do his best to create a happy life for himself. Juliette Lewis mulls that over and sheepishly asks if she can still take that science makeup test, and Blair smiles approvingly and says she might be able to convince Mr. Mitchell to give her yet another chance.
Back at Casa Facts gang, Tootie happily announces to Beverly Ann, Pippa, and Jo that she got into the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in London...and they're all, "Hurray!" and completely gloss over what this overseas opportunity might mean for her engagement to Jeff. Natalie happens to call at that moment to rave about how awesomely life in SoHo with her artistic roommates is going...and Tootie grabs the receiver to share her exciting news, then says she needs to call Jeff and abruptly hangs up the phone (!).
A telegram deliverer dressed in a chicken costume arrives to deliver a love note from Rick to Jo:
Since Rick's been gone
Love's taken a lickin'.
So here's good news from a very big chicken:
Keep your eyes peeled
Don't dare to blink
Since the Rickster's closer than you think.
Naturally, Jo assumes that the man in the chicken suit is Rick, so she orders him to strip off the costume or else she'll strip it off for him [reminder to Jo: Natalie's cherry-popping notwithstanding, this is a family show] - but when the person inside the chicken suit removes the head part of the costume, Jo is startled to see that it's not actually her husband. Rick then sneaks into the living room and gives Jo a from behind hug and jokingly chides, "I'm gone a month...I come back, you're undressing chickens", then thanks his musician friend Fred for helping out with what will mercifully be his last sophomoric Facts of Life gag. Jo laughingly/rhetorically asks him why he can't just return home like a normal human being, then gives him a big hug and kiss while Tootie, Pippa, and Beverly Ann coo with delight at the marital PDA.
Blair arrives home - just as Rick tells everyone that he bought little trinkets in every city he toured. He then pulls out a tiny camera and asks the Facts gang to pose for one last group shot, and the five huddle together and grin back at him.
And I guess that's an abrupt that for this nine year series.
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