The Facts of Life - Season 9, Episode 23

"There's something not quite anatomically correct about this youngster."

"The Beginning of the End"
Original airdate: 4/30/1988

Episode summary: Blair saves Eastland from closure by purchasing the school and appointing herself the new headmaster (headmistress?).

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Recap: Tootie helps Jo scour the newspaper listings for an apartment for her and Rick to settle into as newlyweds, while Natalie asks everyone for permission to pack up various kitchen items for her imminent move to SoHo. Blair returns home with the sad announcement that Eastland is permanently closing its doors due to a lack of funds, but no one - including Pippa - seems to give much of a rat's ass.

Pippa tells Blair that she's mildly troubled about Eastland closing, but figures she'll simply transfer to another school. Blair vows to not accept this closure without a fight, then dejectedly asks the rest of the Facts gang, "Doesn't anyone care about our alma mater?", and they're barely able to bring themselves to lackadaisically mumble, "Mmm, not really." Pippa throws Blair a bone and tells her she'd be in favor of staying at Eastland if it remained open, and Blair declares that her next order of business will be to sweet talk her rich daddy into giving her the kind of dough that's needed to purchase Eastland and thereby prevent its closure.

Papa Warner gives Blair a firm no to her money request, so she's like, "Pleeeeeeeease daddddddddy..." and reminds him that Eastland has been the Warner family's boarding school of choice for five generations. Papa Warner points out that she can remedy the situation herself by using her own money...and by 'her own money' he's referring to the trust fund she inherited from her very generous grandmother. Blair argues that she was saving that money to start her own law firm, and Papa Warner tells her that as a fully grown adult she's going to have to decide what matters to her more: opening a law firm or saving Eastland. Blair whines that buying Eastland would deplete her entire trust fund, which makes her nervous 'cause she's always considered it her security blanket. She stares at her father incredulously while asking him to confirm that he's really really not going to write her a big check just 'cause she wants him to, and he chucklingly tells her that, nope, he's really really not going to.

"If you want to save Eastland, you'll have to do it without my dough."

"My privileged brain is having a hard time computing that notion."

Blair is in a meeting with her financial adviser, Frank Payne, to see about getting a loan to keep up with the day-to-day operations of Eastland, now that she's squandered her entire trust fund by purchasing the school. She tells Frank that she has a sentimental attachment to Eastland 'cause she was once a student there, and he says he totally gets that 'cause his daughter Ashley is currently enrolled at Eastland. That said, he tells her that as an impartial banker he's going to have to deny her loan request unless she can convince someone "with means" to co-sign for her...and Blair correctly assumes that he's referring to her father. She retorts by haughtily telling him The Tale of Two Bankers, one of whom gave her father a loan when he demanded it, while the other refused. The banker who approved the loan is now fabulously wealthy and successful in the financial industry, while the one who refused the loan now digs ditches for a living. Frank chews on that quasi-threat for a few seconds and decides to approve the loan after all.

Blair heads over to Eastland to speak with Headmaster Morehead, but has problems getting past his crusty secretary, Mrs. Grisbee. She snarlingly tells Blair to park it beside two students who have been summoned to the office, so Blair sandwiches herself between Mayim Bialik and Juliette Lewis...and can't help but notice the uneven stuffing under Mayim's t-shirt. Mayim notices her staring and asks, "What do you think, did I overboob?", and Blair tells her it's usually a good idea for one's boob stuffing to be pointing in the same general direction.

One of Eastland's faculty members, Wes Mitchell, enters the waiting area and orders Mayim Bialik to give back the socks she stole from the volleyball team, so she pulls them out from under her shirt while grumbling about the indignity of having to wear a training bra. Wes then flirtily greets Blair, who tells him she's here to see Mr. Morehead...and he's like, "Don't do it!" and stupidly adds that he just heard that the school has been sold to "some airhead debutante". A few seconds later, Blair is invited to meet with the headmaster, and is startled when she sees that he's hurriedly packing up his stuff. She reminds him that Eastland isn't closing anymore, but he continues to pack everything up that isn't nailed down and tells her that after twenty-five years at Eastland, it's someone else's turn to deal with all the headaches...implying that he's been Eastland's headmaster for a quarter century, which is perhaps the most brazenly dumb inconsistency of the entire series from the halfwitted Facts of Life writing team who somehow forgot that..

• Mr. Bradley was headmaster during Season 1
• Mr. Harris was headmaster in Season 2
• Mr. Parker was headmaster in (at minimum) Seasons 3, 4, and 5

Blair implores Mr. Morehouse to stay a little while longer - but he's not remotely interested in being part of a spin-off show that's never actually going to see the light of day, wishes her luck, and beats a hasty retreat. Mrs. Grisbee enters the room to inform Blair that she has a bunch of complaining parents on the phone, as well as two errant schoolgirls who are still waiting to be chastised by whoever the headmaster now is.
 
After the commercial break, Blair replaces the portrait of the outgoing headmaster with one of herself in a lovely pink suit, and then Mrs. Grisbee hands her a stack of bills that need to be paid pronto. Wes Mitchell breezes into the office and once again demonstrates his monumental stupidity by asking if anyone happens to knows when the airhead is going to turn up, so Blair smiles thinly and introduces herself as Blair Warner, airhead debutante. She asks him what exactly he does at the school, so he tells her he's the head of the science department, then stares back at her with an expression of bemused curiosity as he condescendingly asks her if she's ever owned a school before. Blair rejoins, "No, but I've been to several" and Wes tells her she's going to need a lot of help...and when he volunteers to provide at least some of that help, she snippily makes it clear that she's not remotely interested in anything he has to offer. Translation: if this doomed Facts of Life spin-off show had been picked up, these two surely would have become one of those annoyingly tropey 'I hate you/I like you/I suddenly realize I'm in love with you' type couples.

"Since we're not going to advance to the stage in our togetherness when it dawns on us how attracted we are to each other, let's just remain unfriendly acquaintances."

"Definitely can do."

A prepubescent Seth Green drops by Blair's office dressed unconvincingly as a girl and says he wishes to enrol at Eastland. Blair says she'd be happy to admit any prospective student, as long as the required physical determines that he's not just a tiny boy in drag. Seth Green glumly admits that, yeah, he's a boy, then implores her to help him get some schooling 'cause he's been kicked out of so many institutions of learning during his short life...and Blair responds by swiftly ushering him out of her office. 

Blair arrives late to an emergency meeting with her financial adviser and the grim-faced Eastland board of trustees. They tell Blair that they heard about Headmaster Morehead's resignation, and make it clear how displeased they are with the low enrolment figures for the upcoming summer semester...so Blair says she plans to counter those setbacks by hiring a new headmaster and possibly raising tuition. Frank points out that what the school really needs is more students, and Blair recalls the conversation she just had with Seth Green and boldly proposes they make Eastland a co-ed boarding school. The trustees clutch their pearls at that frightful prospect, but in the next minute decide that they're A-OK with it if it results in a giant infusion of some much-needed cash. 

Blair is interviewing some lacklustre candidates for the headmaster job when Jo drops by to say hey and gush about how impressed she is with her ginormous new office. A few seconds later, Mayim Bialik and her roommate Sara burst into the room so that Sara can complain about not being able to study in the dorm whenever Mayim is loudly practicing her trumpet. As Blair scratches her head about how best to resolve this contrived conundrum, Jo tells the young girls that she and Blair once shared a bedroom [and continue to share a bedroom despite her being %$#@! married] and always found inventive ways to work through their problems. Blair concurs, then describes what a loud snorer Jo is, and a miffed Jo snipes back at her for always twirling her lustrous hair (?). Sara and Mayim Bialik are like, "Get a room, you two. Also, we only really care about our problems" and reiterate that Sara can't study in the same room as Mayim when she's blowing on her trumpet. An impatient Blair snappishly suggests that Sara study in the library, while Mayim take the sock out of her training bra and stuff it into her trumpet...and when the girls somehow seem happy with that advice and scamper safely out of earshot, Jo wanks Blair for her deftness in handling that whine-fest. Blair mulls over the compliment and happily concurs, "I did, didn't I?"

"Jo and I share a bedroom and have always found a sensual way to work things out."

"OK, but we don't have the same kind of spark-filled, non-hetereo vibe that you two are giving off."

In the Eastland dorm (aka the set that was used throughout Season 1), Mayim Bialik answers the phone and looks disappointed when it's a call for her snooty schoolmate, Ashley Payne. She grumbles about Ashley's snootiness to Sara and a spaced-out looking Juliette Lewis - but Juliette Lewis just mumbles about how much she haaaaates Eastland and is writing a letter to her parents, begging them to let her come home. Ashley, meanwhile, ends her phone call and announces to everyone in the dorm that, starting now, boys are going to be allowed to attend Eastland. 

Blair and Pippa arrive at the dorm...and when Pippa introduces Blair to Ashley, Ashley pompously informs Blair that she needs to be nice to her 'cause she's the daughter of the man who approved her loan, and he hates it whenever he finds out that she's unhappy. After she struts off, Pippa fills in Blair about how Ashley isn't exactly the most beloved girl at Eastland, which...shocker. A few seconds later, Wes Mitchell arrives and tells Pippa to get lost and study 'cause he wants to speak privately with Blair, and Blair clears the rest of the room by threatening to rope them into singing a medley of folk songs. Wes chucklingly tells Blair he definitely digs her, but that she should sell the school to someone who knows what the hell they're doing...and after she's done that, she should feel free to give him her phone number. Blair reminds him that Eastland is in desperate need of a new headmaster, then announces that the job has just been filled: by her! [Um, OK...congrats, I guess (?), but it remains unclear what's to become of Blair's law career, given that she's now committed herself to spending every waking moment running the school she just purchased and appointed herself in charge of.]

Seth Green and his pals arrive at the dorm and shriek, "Eastland! We are here!" and express their number one priority: finding the girls. When they ask Blair where they're supposed to bunk, she ambiguously directs them upstairs...and as the boys race up to the second floor, Wes points out that she just permitted a horde of young horny boys to occupy the same bedrooms as the girls.

​Womp womp!

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