The Facts of Life - Season 9, Episode 17

Blair unveils her new Oscar the Grouch inspired look

"Let's Face the Music"
Original airdate: 2/13/1988

Episode summary: The Facts gals are invited to a spa that's owned by a wealthy philanthropist who promises to attend a benefit to raise funds for the shelter. ​

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Recap: Andy - who has somehow become the manager of a local teenage girl punk band titled The Witches of Eastland - finishes strumming an electric guitar and asks Pippa what she thinks of his new song, and she tells him that the band would likely find it way too tame. Andy disagrees and then performs the song, which translates to him haphazardly thrashing his hand at the guitar strings while bellowing the lyrics. Pippa decides that she looooves the song so much better now...and when she asks Jo (who made the mistake of wandering into the living room at that moment) to stay awhile and offer her opinion of their "music", Jo says she has no time 'cause there's a fundraising benefit for the shelter she needs to coordinate.

​Tootie returns home and announces that she booked a string quartet to perform at the benefit...and a few seconds later, Blair returns home and excitedly tells everyone that she managed to arrange for Sergio Pavan, a local rich guy who owns the Golden Mirror Spa, to attend the benefit and make a sizeable donation. Apparently he promised to match however much they're able to raise - but a condition seems to be that Blair and the rest of the Facts gals pay a visit to his spa for various treatments in order to get them all looking fabulous for the benefit. Natalie and Tootie squeal excitedly at the invitation, while Jo grumbles about how she has zero interest in being fussed over by spa employees. Blair solemnly tells her it's not an option to refuse Sergio's invitation, considering how much he's willing to donate to the shelter...and Jo eventually relents - but growlingly refuses to have anything on her body waxed. 

Pippa is decked out in a cute summer dress adorned with American-style Stars and Stripes - but one of The Witches of Eastland band members (Amy) snarkishly tells her she can't wear a dorky dress like that during an actual show, then criticizes her singing voice for lacking an ample amount of punk rock style pain. Following that, the rehearsal resumes, and Pippa belts out the lyrics for We're Bad Girls in Trouble, and neither Tootie nor Natalie are impressed enough by the band to not hastily excuse themselves from the living room to head over to the spa. 

Tootie and Natalie are at the Golden Mirror Spa dressed in pink bathrobes, and they're ready to indulge in several luxury treatments. Blair wanders over to ask them if they're having fun...then makes a beeline over to what looks like the spa manager (who talks with a thick faux French accent) to see if someone can remedy the darker-than-blonde hair growth that appears to be mysteriously sprouting atop her scalp. François urges her to relax and assures her that someone will be with her tout de suite to dye her dark roots.

"I'm hoping that you can transform the mysteriously non-blonde phenomenon that's been occurring amid my flaxen locks."

"C'est bon. We'll get your dark roots bleached immédiatement."

Jo waddles into the main spa room with white cream spread all over her face and tissue stuffed between her toes. The pedicurist is chasing after her, begging her to sit down so that she can finish beautifying her toes, but Jo snaps, "Get away from me!" and makes it clear how desperate she is to leave. Blair urges her to stay long enough for the stylists to tend to her mulleted rat's nest...and across the room, François drops his faux French accent and points in the general direction of where Blair and Jo are standing and tell his flunky that that customer wants a bleach job done on her hair, and the flunky doesn't bother confirming exactly who he's talking about and mistakenly assumes that he's referring to Jo.

Tootie and Natalie return home from the spa looking fabulous in their new formalwear. A few seconds later, a less than enthused looking Jo makes her entrance decked out in a purple velvet evening gown with her normally brown mullet transformed into a slightly bushier blonde mullet. She snarls that the stylist mistook her for Blair, who ambles through the doorway donning an extremely fluffy bouffant of green hair. When Beverly Ann's all 'the fuck?', Tootie laughing explains that there was a mix-up with the hair dye, and so Blair was given a dark brunette tone that turned her hair into an Oscar the Grouch shade of green, while Jo was transformed into what she complains is an undesirable Pia Zadora look. Blair grumblingly mumbles, "At least you look human."

Jo is not thrilled with her fresh new look

Blair even less so

As the shelter's fundraising benefit gets underway, Tootie breaks the news to Jo that the string quartet she lined up for the benefit bailed on them 'cause they're a group of soulless dicks who opted to perform at a different benefit while offering zero advance notice. As Jo twitches nervously at that troubling development, Sergio Pavan makes his grand entrance and asks which one of them is Blair Warner. The camera pans over to a despondent looking Blair, who has hidden her green hair beneath a big black hat and matching head wrap and makes no attempt to self-identify herself as Blair (or, for that matter, demonstrate much in the way of politeness). Jo fibs and tells Sergio that she's Blair, and that the woman with the giant black hat atop her head is just one of the poor souls the shelter seeks to help...so Blair shoots back by introducing herself as Jo Poniaczek. LOL. Jo describes to Sergio the various services that the shelter provides to the needy and hapless, and he's like 'blah blah, social work is boring' and gushes about what a great job she's done planning this benefit, adding that nothing annoys him more than being asked to donate money during an event that offers no decent food or musical entertainment. He says he's very much looking forward to enjoying whatever show-stopping performers she has in store for everyone...and after he saunters off, Tootie and Natalie anxiously inform Jo that no one has pledged any donations - seemingly in retribution for the lack of classical violin/cello music. Tootie suggests that the four of them find some instruments just laying around and form an impromptu quartet (despite none of them knowing how to play) ... and we get a dream sequence of the Facts gals generating some pretty lacklustre sounding music on a variety of string instruments.

Beverly Ann, Andy, and Pippa arrive at the benefit...and when Pippa announces that The Witches of Eastland broke up 'cause of how sick she got of Amy's constant bullying, Tootie perks up and asks her if the band's equipment is nearby. Beverly Ann says it's in her Winnebago that's parked outside...and we get a second dream sequence in which the entire Facts gang is a punk band rocking out to We're Bad Girls in Trouble in front of the less-than-impressed benefit audience, including a visibly dismayed Sergio Pavan. It's a dream sequence that goes on for what seems like a really loooooong time, and I'll admit to hitting the fast forward button a few times to get through the bulk of it. 

Blair tells Jo that they should prolly 'fess up to Sergio about the no entertainment conundrum, so the two approach him and come clean about how the string quartet they booked cancelled on them at the last minute...and that the guests are becoming so bored and restless by the lack of musical entertainment that they're refusing to pledge any donations, the miserly pricks. Sergio stares fawningly at Jo and coos, "You're beautiful when you're honest" ... and when Blair snorts and mumbles, "Gimme a break", Sergio tells her to shut it while he's talking to Miss Warner. He then turns his attention back to Jo and pronounces, "There's something more important than music and food to put me in the giving mood. And that's honesty." 

"The only thing we have to offer at this fundraising event is our outstretched hands as we beg for donations."

"Mmm...you look pretty sexy when you solicit charitable donations."

Sergio pledges to donate a total of $20,000 to the shelter, then asks Jo if she and her friends enjoyed all of the primping they received at his spa. Blair gushes about much she loooooved it, and he's like, "Great. You can come back next weekend and experience it all over again!" to which Jo reacts by scrunching her face into an expression of horrified dismay.

​Womp womp! 

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