Recap: Jaime is on a helicopter, flying over the San Angelo mountains to look for any sign of the aliens Steve had spilled the beans about during Part 1. She radios with Oscar to inform him of her location, and he tells her that Rudy doesn't think Steve is going to survive Part 2 of the Bigfoot/alien saga and is strongly considering pulling his life support plug. Jaime begs him to tell Rudy to hold off 'cause she heard that the alien colony might have a wonder drug that can cure Steve of his radiation poisoning. Oscar makes a disparaging pffft noise and says he doesn't believe that the aliens actually exist...which seems uncharacteristically dickish of him, considering all the perilous missions Steve has carried out for the OSI. Where's the trust and loyalty, dude?
Meanwhile, 1800 miles south..
The rebel faction of the alien colony has settled into their new cave home on the coast of Mexico...and they're also still monitoring the airspace over the San Angelo mountains. They spot Jaime's helicopter on their video feed, but decide it's probably nothing to worry about and carry on with whatever they were doing. Jaime asks the pilot if he could fly a bit lower, then informs Oscar that she's going to roam the area on foot to see if she can uncover anything. She asks the pilot what level of security clearance he has...and when he says, "Five", she shrieks, "You're about to get six!" as if she hasn't already caused a major bump in the number of sixth level security clearances the OSI has had to grant after she's indiscriminately revealed her "top secret" bionic abilities to every guest star and random extra she's ever interacted with during her various missions. When she leaps off the helicopter and starts up with her usual dun dun dun dun slo-mo bionic jog, Nedlick spots her on the video monitor and is like, "Drats...another bionic person nosing around my bidness" and decides he should probably nip this problem in the bud. He summons Bigfoot and then uses his control device to transport the two of them to San Angelo.
Jaime is roaming around the San Angelo mountains bellowing, "Shalon!" when she encounters Bigfoot for the first time. She's all, "Ack!" at the sight of the ginormously tall ape-man and mutters, "Steve said you were big, but this is ridiculous!" Nedlick barks, "Attack!" into his little device, and Bigfoot advances on Jaime while growling maniacally. She does a bionic leapfrog over him...and when she spots Nedlick standing several feet away, she asks him if he could please call off his Sasquatch pet. Nedlick responds by once again commanding Bigfoot to attack, so the beast obediently picks up a huge paper mache boulder and throws it in Jaime's direction. She easily dodges it, then leaps into a large tree and holds onto one of the branches for dear life - but Bigfoot grabs the trunk of the tree and bends it over, forcing Jaime to leap back down. Sandy Duncan, who remains a captive of the rebels in the Mexico cave and has been watching Jaime and Bigfoot square off via the video feed, sneaks up behind one of the rebels, grabs his control device, and transports herself to Jaime's location. She urges Jaime to take her hand...and when she does, the two abruptly disappear together. Bigfoot's all, "Wuh?" and glances around in confusion, and an irked Nedlick admonishes the dumb beast for letting Jaime get away, then zaps them both back to the Mexico base.
Sandy Duncan introduces herself to Jaime, says she'll take her to her leader, and escorts her to the entrance of the alien's complex: a glowy, crystallized, new agey spinning tunnel I know would give me vertigo if I was ever forced to walk through it. Sandy Duncan introduces her to a couple of onesie wearing aliens on the way to the control room where Shalon is based...and Shalon greets Jaime warmly and tells her she knows how fond Steve is of her 'cause she looked at the naughty details of his brain scans after his probing. Jaime looks unsure of how to respond to that weird remark, so she just kind of shakes it off and informs Shalon that Steve is about to expire after suffering severe radiation poisoning and that he could really use a dose of her wonder drug, if any happens to be laying around. Shalon holds up the last vial of Neotraxin she has left, doesn't mention that she was planning on using it to keep herself from expiring, and hands it to Sandy Duncan and tells her to do everything she can to save Steve's life. In exchange, she wants Jaime's help stopping the alien rebels from achieving full power at their new base 'cause of all the carnage it'll cause to earthlings. Sandy Duncan produces a map and shows Jaime exactly where the rebels' new base is located, and Shalon explains that the dumbfucks have been drilling a volcanic vent in order to harness its power for their magnetic shield...and seem unaware that so much drilling of such a sensitive area could result in a geological disaster. Jaime agrees to do whatever she can to help out, and Shalon nods approvingly and says she'll monitor the situation through her video feed. She then says that Steve means a lot to her, and Jaime refrains from snarkishly warning her to keep her alien mitts off of her cyborg man.
On the Mexican coast, the alien rebels are continuing to drill into the volcanic vent...and even though it's causing a scary mess of shooting flames and smoke plumes, Nedlick orders Dallet to increase the voltage so he can get the job done faster. Sandy Duncan drops Jaime off in the jungle near the rebels' new base, then disappears to deliver the Neotraxin to Steve. Nedlick spots Jaime on his video monitor and makes a snappish remark about her tenacity. He orders Bigfoot to follow him into the jungle...and Jaime activates her bionic ear and overhears Nedlick tell Bigfoot he'd like to take Jaime hostage, 'cause he and his nefarious rebel faction don't have enough going on with their ill-fated volcanic drilling and would welcome the challenge of keeping a tenacious bionic woman confined to a poorly constructed jail cell. Jaime decides it would be an easy way to get inside the rebels' base and waits for Bigfoot to show himself. When he spots Jaime hiding behind some foliage, he scrunches his ape face confusedly and flashes back to when he used to hang with Shalon. Jaime activates her bionic ear and overhears Nedlick order Bigfoot to attack her before issuing another of his tired old threats to hurt Shalon if he refuses to obey. Bigfoot swats at Jaime, and she flies through the air, lands on the ground with a thud, and pretends to be knocked out cold. Nedlick orders Bigfoot to bring her to the base and put her in the jail cell.
Over at the hospital, Rudy is staring sadly at Steve, who still looks like he's at death's door. After Rudy exits the room, Sandy Duncan materializes and hovers over Steve holding a device that's designed to gauge exactly how much radiation poisoning he suffered...which turns out to be a fuckload. Sandy Duncan quickly disappears when she hears Rudy and Oscar approach the room - but Shalon continues to monitor the hospital room and hears Rudy tell Oscar that there's not a whole heckuva lot they can do for Steve. Shalon twitches nervously and cries, "Get out of there!" so that Sandy Duncan can reappear and administer the Neotraxin before all hope of saving Steve is lost.
Jaime ambles around her jail cell, looking for a way she can bionically break out and start wrapping up this crossover saga. She tries to bend the window bars, but can't get them to budge, so I'll assume they're made of extra thick steel. She spots Bigfoot standing in the hall outside her cell...so she starts cooing about how worried Shalon is about him, and how upset she is that he's turned against her. As he stares at her with his head cocked to one side, she adds, "But you haven't, have you?" and correctly assumes that he's been forced by Nedlick to commit various robberies and attack her and Steve. She assures Bigfoot that the alien rebels can't hurt Shalon...and as he quietly mulls that over, Nedlick wanders over and tells his Sasquatch pet that he needs his help with whatever damage his nitwitted minions have perpetrated on the volcanic vent.
When Oscar and Rudy finally exit Steve's hospital room, Sandy Duncan re-materializes to perform a thoracic curve examination on Steve...and while she's doing that, the data is being fed back to Shalon in real time. She identifies to Sandy Duncan the major areas of damage to Steve's body, and prescribes exactly where she needs to administer the Neotraxin and in what dosage. Once that's done and Steve is safely out of the woods, Shalon collapses from exhaustion and gets tended to by a green onesie wearing alien.
Rudy and Oscar get word about a volcanic disturbance in Mexico, along with warnings that it could spark a major geological disaster. Eeeeek!!
Jaime examines the wall in her jail cell and starts bionically karate chopping at it, and it easily crumbles...'cause while the rebels were clever about installing ultra strong bars over the window, they didn't think to reinforce the cell's flimsy walls.
Dallet calls out Nedlick on his dickish insistence that he drill through the volcanic vent with extra voltage, 'cause now there's hot lava spewing everywhere. Nedlick breezily says he's sure it'll start to taper off any minute now - LOL - and Dallet stares back at him incredulously and points out that the earth could experience a Tectonic Shift Situation if the needle on his little sensor thing starts registering too much heat. Egads!
Oscar is horrified of the notion of a Tectonic Shift and laments to Rudy the devastating tsunami that could result. Oscar decides it would be prudent (and somehow possible) to order an evacuation of the entire Pacific coast, asap.
Jaime, meanwhile, is making good progress bionically karate chopping her way out of her jail cell.
Steve regains consciousness and is all, "Ack!" when he sees Sandy Duncan staring down at him. She tells him he suffered severe radiation poisoning, but was given some Neotraxin in the nick of time and will probably be completely fine. There's no mention of his bionic legs still being crushed after his encounter with Bigfoot at the end of Part 1...so I'll have to assume that Rudy quietly repaired those in record time, 'cause once Steve hears that Jaime is in the clutches of the alien rebels, he quickly jumps into action - but then pauses, glances around the hospital room, and tells Sandy Duncan he's going to need a pair of pants. Hee!
Oscar and Rudy enter Steve's hospital room and are all, "Wha-a?!" when they find the bed empty.
Dallet tells Nedlick that the volcanic vent is out of control, and that too much lava is spurting everywhere at an alarmingly fast rate...but Nedlick shrugs unconcernedly and says he's pretty sure that the volcanic pressure will start to ease any second now. He checks on his video feed and spots Steve and Sandy Duncan milling around the jungle outside their new base, gets irked that Steve managed to recover so quickly from his radiation poisoning/leg crushing, and dispatches Bigfoot to the jungle to finish off the pesky bionic man for once and for all.
After more bionic karate chopping of the jail cell's wall, Jaime finally manages to kick out a hole that's large enough for her to crawl through.
Sandy Duncan brings Steve to the exact spot where she abandoned Jaime earlier...and Steve activates his bionic eye and sees Bigfoot lumbering in their direction. He approaches the imposing beast and asks him if he knows where Jaime is, and whether he remembers him from when he debuted on The Six Million Dollar Man. Unfortunately, Bigfoot is so addled from all the attack! commands that Nedlick has been barking at him, that his brain is unable to absorb anything Steve is asking. He continues to follow Nedlick's orders and goes a few rounds with Steve, then picks up a giant boulder and holds it above him menacingly. While that's happening, Jaime sneaks into the hall leading to the control room and overhears Nedlick ordering Bigfoot to kill Steve. She's all, "Noooo!!" and bionically races over to Nedlick, grabs the device he's been using to control the hapless Sasquatch, and cancels the kill Steve command. She then coos at Bigfoot to trust her, and assures him that no one is going to hurt Shalon. Bigfoot stares contemplatively into space as he processes Jaime's soft lady voice and reassuring promise, then puts down the giant boulder and helps Steve to his feet. Now that the danger has quickly passed, Sandy Duncan rushes over to make sure that Steve is OK, and to say hey to her long lost hairy pal.
Dallet implores Nedlick to relocate the base asap 'cause of all the damage they're about to cause to the earth's plates - but Nedlick still looks unconcerned 'bout damaging the planet and grumbles about how Jaime now has the control unit for Bigfoot, and snarkishly refuses to leave his Sasquatch slave behind. Jaime, meanwhile, is lost in the complex's maze and uses the control device she stole from Nedlick to send a frantic S.O.S. to Steve and/or Bigfoot to please rescue her from these insane rebel nitwits. She's all, "Ack!" when she suddenly finds herself in the control room with a group of angry rebels - but a few seconds later we hear the familiar dun dun dun dun sound effect as Steve charges in and, one by one, bionically tosses the rebel aliens across the room. Sandy Duncan helps out by powering down each of the rebel's control unit, which appears to render them motionless. Bigfoot lumbers into the complex and finds Nedlick trying to escape. He grabs his former master from behind and gets payback for all of his cruelty by starting to squeeze the life out of him - but Steve rushes over and implores him to stop. Dallet warns everyone that the volcano is about to blow...and everyone's all, "Ack! What kind of plan can we quickly hatch in order to narrowly avoid a geological disaster?!" Collectively, they decide that the best course of action would be to throw one of the aliens' control devices into the erupting volcano, 'cause somehow its time traveling capabilities will rapidly cool the lava back down to room temperature. I guess I can buy that.
Jaime and Steve bionically race toward the erupting volcano - but soon the heat of the lava becomes too much for Jaime. Steve takes the device from her and forges ahead, but then he too becomes incapacitated by the searing hot lava. Sandy Duncan, who's monitoring the operation via video feed, remarks to Dallet that she's doubtful Steve will be able to throw the device far or fast enough. And just when hope begins to fade, Bigfoot charges up the volcano mountain, grabs the device from Steve, and continues his upwards trek. He puts every ounce of his Sasquatch strength in throwing the device directly into the volcano...and it suddenly goes all freeze-framey as the lava cools down. Hurray! When the volcano stops erupting, Bigfoot collapses from heat exhaustion 'cause the fur suit he's encased in was a horrible wardrobe choice for a two hundred degree volcanic mission. Steve and Jaime race over to tend to him, and he grunts at them that while the inside of his furry onesie is hotter than a whorehouse on nickel night, he's pretty sure his core temperature will soon revert back to its default levels now that he's no longer surrounded by searing hot lava.
The aliens thank Steve and Jaime for their help disarming the rebels, who are being held in confinement pending trial. Green Onesie Guy breaks the sad news that he had to power Shalon down to barely functioning sleep mode. He shows them where she'll indefinitely lay - inside a Sleeping Beauty style glass coffin tube - until their mother ship swings by earth again (in a hundred years) to transport her back to their home planet. Green Onesie Guy invites Steve and Jaime stay at the complex on a permanent basis and help out with their colony...and the two glance over at each other as if to consider the offer, but don't actually give an answer.
I'll assume the answer was no, 'cause Green Onesie Guy, Bigfoot, and Sandy Duncan escort Jaime and Steve to the glowy, crystallized, new agey spinning tunnel exit. Jaime and Steve bid the aliens adieu, thank them for letting them retain their memory of this super awesome two-part episode, and hug each of them goodbye, including Bigfoot. The cyborgs amble through the tunnel, hand in hand, then turn around and wave goodbye to their extraterrestrial friends one last time.
Recap: A security guard at the Federal Gold Repository - one of the various made-up agencies that exist in the Six Million Dollar Man/Bionic Woman universe - is taking a coffee break when we see the looming shadow of a tall, furry creature. The creature smashes through the [paper mache] wall of the repository...and then the camera pans back to the guard, who heard the crashing noise and is frantically calling for backup. When he rushes over to the site of the break-in, he's shocked and dismayed to see that whatever superhuman monster smashed its way inside has just made off with a million dollars worth of gold bars.
Oscar Goldman and Steve Austin arrive on the scene to investigate the break-in. For the occasion, Steve is donning a groovy '70s shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest, and he's also sporting a grisly pornstache. As he examines the hole in the wall, he wryly tells Oscar if he didn't know any better, he'd think a bionic man had burst through it. He goes outside to search for clues and bionically spots a giant footprint in the dirt. This sighting triggers a flashback to a previous Six Million Dollar Man episode, when someone gabbled at him about "the legend of Sasquatch, otherwise known as Bigfoot" ... and as the camera zooms in for a closeup, Steve does his best to contort his default blank expression into one of concerned puzzlement.
Over at OSI headquarters, Steve and Jaime are undergoing what Rudy jokes is their 10,000 mile checkup. Heh. Rudy informs Steve that his synapse circuitry is a bit slow - no surprise there - and Steve's like, "Wuh? Really?" and strips off his workout jacket so that viewers can ogle his ample mat of grizzled chest hair. Jaime pulls Steve aside and tells him he's acting strange and distant and asks if she did something to upset him. He assures her she hasn't - but concedes that he's been having troubled thoughts lately, then tells her he'd like to show her something.
The something ends up being a preserved imprint of a giant footprint that was discovered in the California mountains last year - and it looks much like the one Steve just saw outside the gold repository. As Steve, Jaime, Oscar, and Rudy stare in awe at the giant footprint, Steve's brain starts to trigger a flashback - but then quickly fizzles out. He tells Jaime about his memory recall problem and calls it frustrating, and she reminds him about when her brain nearly broke every time she pushed herself to remember them being a couple during the crossover episodes, then jokes, "I'm the one who wrote the book on partial memory, remember?" She suggests they go for a walk - and Rudy interjects and asks if they wouldn't mind doing one of their slo-mo, side-by-side bionic jogs through the countryside (preferably while Sweet Jaime plays in the background) so he can monitor their heart rates. After the two head out together, Rudy and Oscar stare down at the giant footprint, then exchange solemn glances.
Steve strips down to a pair of tight black shorts and pulls up his white socks so they're almost to his knees...and then he and Jaime bionically jog and leap about through a scenic wooded area. (Sadly, in this segment we don't get to hear Lee Majors croon Sweet Jaime.) A few feet away, we see a petite blonde woman wearing a pink onesie - it's perky Sandy Duncan! - and she's watching Steve and fiddling with some kind of handheld device. Steve senses that something is amiss and stops running, stares confusedly into space, and tells Jaime that he just had a faint recollection of bionically jogging with another woman. Jaime's all, "Wha-a-a? You steppin' out on me with another cyborg?" then activates her bionic ear in time to hear rustling noises up ahead. Steve activates his bionic eye and spots Sandy Duncan - but a few seconds later she clicks on her little device and vanishes.
At home that evening, Steve is staring at the preserved footprint when Sandy Duncan suddenly materializes in front of him. She tells him she needs his help in order to save her people...her people being a colony of deep space exploring aliens who have taken temporary residence on earth, have the ability to disappear and reappear wherever and whenever they choose, and wear solid colored onesies. She holds her little device up to Steve's head and uploads the memory of The Six Million Dollar Man two-part episode entitled The Secret of Bigfoot that they had previously erased from his brain. When the upload is complete, Steve is able to fully recall that he encountered Sasquatch in the California mountains (back when André the Giant played him), and that the creature's brute strength closely matched his bionic abilities. Sasquatch brought Steve to the aliens' complex to meet his leader and, for some gratuitous reason, get his naked bionic limbs probed by Shalon - who's played by Stefanie Powers in a horrific auburn wig. Shalon appears to have become so smitten with Steve that she planted a smooch on his lips while he lay unconscious on the examination table. Sandy Duncan tells Steve that Shalon sent her to make contact with him 'cause they need his help to stop the nefarious rebel faction that broke away from their colony, stole a large supply of their wonder drug Neotraxin (a cure for radiation poisoning), and absconded with their giant Sasquatch pet. Before their departure, they forced Bigfoot to destroy the complex's power converter, which resulted in many aliens (Shalon included) suffering exposure to radiation poisoning...and not enough Neotraxin to treat them all. Sounds like this faction is unnecessarily dickish and cruel. Steve quietly mulls over the aliens' dilemma, then promises Sandy Duncan he'll do whatever he can to help.
The rebel faction has taken residence in some kind of warehouse, and they're packing up all the gold they forced Bigfoot to steal at the beginning of the episode...and we get our first really good look at Ted Cassidy (Lurch on The Addams Family), who's encased in a furry brown onesie, a helmet of fluffy curls atop his head, brown paint smeared across his face, and piercing blue eyes that glare maniacally into space. The purple onesie wearing ring leader, Nedlick, tells his cohorts that with the help of Bigfoot, their new base on Planet Earth will be established...and that once they gather all the various ingredients that are needed to create a magnetic force-field around it, they'll be free to plunder and pillage the Earth of whatever they please. Egads!
Bigfoot is dispatched to a jewelry store to steal as many emeralds as his paws can carry, and Nedlick is monitoring him through a control device that looks to have some FaceTime type capabilities. When a security guard enters the store and makes a half-hearted effort to stop the seven foot ape, Nedlick uses his device to zap Bigfoot with an electrical shock, barks, "Attack!" and threatens to hurt Shalon if he fails to obey. Bigfoot lets out a tortured growl, then picks up the guard and tosses him across the room...and a satisfied Nedlick orders him to return to their warehouse base, pronto.
As Steve and Oscar investigate the jewelry store break-in, Steve stares at the crushed vault door and mumbles, "That's strange", stares mutely into space for a few seconds, then wanders off. LOL. Oscar stares after him, his eyes narrowed suspiciously.
Steve tells Sandy Duncan how weird it is that the jewelry thief stole emeralds, but left all the diamonds behind. A perplexed Sandy Duncan decides it might be time for the two of them to FaceTime with Shalon to see if she can shed any light on the situation. Shalon flirtily greets Steve, then explains that the alien rebels require, among other elements, gold and emeralds in order to construct a phase lock magnetic field around their new base to make it immune to attack. She implores Steve to help them prevent the rebels from acquiring any boron isotopes or titanium alloy, and Steve tells her he's on it, and that he has a pretty good idea which research facilities they'd most likely target.
Nedlick and his pink onesie wearing sidekick, Dallet, are monitoring Bigfoot as he lumbers toward a research facility. Steve and Sandy Duncan materialize onto the property moments later, and Steve bionically pursues Bigfoot into the building. He finds him milling around near the entrance of the Isotope Storage Room (as it's conveniently labelled) - and Bigfoot whirls around and stares at Steve in puzzlement, no doubt remembering that the last time they saw each other, they were hanging out all friendly-like at the alien colony's California mountain complex. Nedlick gets irked at Bigfoot's inertness and barks, "Sasquatch! Attack!" and the big ape glares at Steve and growls menacingly. When Nedlick threatens again to hurt Shalon, Bigfoot goes into attack mode, tosses Steve in the air, and dashes into the Isotope Storage Room. After Steve re-combobulates himself, he attempts to trap Bigfoot inside by locking the door - but after Bigfoot scoops up as many boron isotopes as he can find, he easily crashes through the locked door and fends Steve off by throwing a large steel drum at him. When a security guard arrives on the scene, Bigfoot also throws a steel drum in his direction and then races off. Steve crawls over to the injured guard to tend to him - just as a group of other guards burst in. They assume that Steve is the isotope thief and yell, "Hit the deck!" while Sandy Duncan, who's waiting for Steve outside, gets herself abducted by Nedlick (I guess before she had a chance to use her control device to vanish) and is forcibly brought to the rebels' warehouse.
Jaime arrives at OSI headquarters to hang with Steve, but is told by security that he's knee deep in shit and isn't allowed to have visitors. Jaime's like, "Er, OK" then loiters outside Rudy's office and activates her bionic hearing so she can eavesdrop on Oscar as he rails to Steve about getting caught red-handed at the scene of a crime, and that he's accused of assaulting a guard with a steel drum, which only a bionic man would have the superhuman strength to pick up and throw. Steve decides to blow the lid off the whole alien/Sasquatch storyline and spills the beans to Oscar and Rudy about the colony of aliens hiding out in the California mountains, their ape-like pet, and the nefarious rebel faction that broke away from the main group after they poisoned many of them with radiation and stole most of their Neotraxin wonder drug. Oscar shoots him a disbelieving stink-eye and tells him that the National Security Bureau has ordered him to power down his bionics and keep him under house arrest. Steve stares back at him in incredulity and cries, "You have to trust me!" ... then abruptly decides, "Ah, fuck that noise" and sprints across the room, leaps off of the balcony, and bionically flees the grounds.
Over in the warehouse, Dallet cackles to Nedlick about how Steve's superiors are blaming him for the various break-ins they've commanded Bigfoot to commit - but that he escaped OSI headquarters and somehow managed to fly off in a helicopter. Which we can safely guess is on its way to thwart the rebels' next research facility break-in.
Nedlick brings Bigfoot to research facility #2 and orders him to look around for some titanium alloy...and also attack and kill Steve if he happens to show up. Bigfoot obediently lumbers in the direction of the facility and bionically leaps over the fence - just as Steve flies in on his helicopter. Inside the facility, the two square off again....and Bigfoot glares demonically at Steve after Nedlick gives him another electrical zap and threatens again to hurt Shalon if he doesn't follow orders. Bigfoot and Steve throw heavy canisters at each other and wrestle around...until Steve gets knocked out cold. He lays unconscious on the floor while Bigfoot rips out a power converter that starts leaking radiation. As that's happening, some kind of motorized steel thing lowers itself over Steve and crushes his bionic legs. As Bigfoot stares sadly at his former friend's broken cyborg body, Nedlick says, "Well done" and declares that they now have everything they need to create a magnetic force field around their new Earth base.
At the hospital, Oscar tells Jaime that Steve is in rough shape - and that even before he got his lower extremities crushed, he'd become so squirrelly that he was running all over town robbing jewelry stores and research facilities. Jaime refuses to believe that of Steve and implores Oscar to start looking into the colony of aliens Steve told him about earlier...and when Oscar stares at her in astonishment, she explains that she was bionically eavesdropping at the door when Steve told him the implausible tale. Rudy wanders over to announce that Steve is pretty much a goner 'cause of all the radiation he was exposed to. In fact, he's so far gone he doubts Steve can survive another day. Jaime's like, "Ooooh nooo!" and asks to be brought to his bedside.
Jaime hovers over Steve, muttering, "Oh Steve..." and when he stirs and softly whispers, "Jaime..", she activates her bionic hearing and listens carefully so she can catch what he's trying to say. He moans, "Many will die...unless...find Shalon...she help...maybe stop them." As Jaime scrunches her face in confusion, he adds, "Jaime...Jaime...beware the Sasquatch. Much stronger than we are. Hurry Jaime...not much time." As he loses consciousness, Jaime cries, "Steeeeeve!" then stares worriedly into space as she mulls over his nonsensical instructions and wonders what the hell to do next.
Recap: We begin the Season 1 finale in a spooky graveyard, where it looks as though some kind of ghostly spirit has just departed the grave of one Elizabeth Putnam Cory - eeeeek! - and is heading toward the main cemetery gate. The door of the gate opens, then promptly shuts...which I found funny 'cause I figured a non-mortal entity would be able to float through the bars or flit over them. The ghost continues its way over a large bridge, then barrels toward the front door of a mansion. When it lets itself in, it goes all poltergeist - rattling the furniture around and causing anything that's not nailed down to violently shake and then crash to the floor. Upstairs, a young girl - hey, it's fourteen year old Kristy McNichol! - sits up in bed and shrieks, "Mother!" ... and a few seconds later, her father rushes into the room, hugs her, and assures her that everything is going to be A-OK by the time the end credits roll. Sort of.
Over at the Austin ranch, Jaime is packing her clothes in a small red suitcase while Oscar gives her the low-down on her next mission: look into the mysterious force/presence/disturbance that's been terrorizing the town of Essexville, which is located between Boston and Salem. Oscar explains that the only reason he gives a rat's ass about any of this is 'cause it's affecting the work of OSI researcher Alan Cory, who seems to have a direct connection to the mysterious force/presence/disturbance, but refuses to talk about it. Jaime glances at his photograph and remarks on how good looking he is, then asks about his marital status. [Is Steve Austin just a faint memory to you now, Jaime?] Oscar tells her that Alan's wife died a year ago...and that ever since her death, he insists on working out of his home-based lab. And OSI puts up with it 'cause he's a genius and is currently developing two components of the Alpha Sensor Project. Sounds super intense. Unfortunately, the mysterious force/presence/disturbance remains a problem 'cause it's wigging out the Essexville townsfolk, and Jaime's mission is to get to the bottom of it...'cause apparently she's a bionic ghost hunter now. He's assigned her to be Kristy McNichol's governess, a position that was vacated by the previous governess who fled in horror after the most recent spiritual visitation. He then puts on his most solemn Oscar face and warns Jaime that the disturbance is "very real and very dangerous". Eeeeek!
Jaime arrives at Cory manor, the stately old mansion that has been the epicenter of all the supernatural activity. She carries her small red suitcase with her to the front door...and as the camera pans behind her, we see that a creepy looking bearded man is watching her from behind the gates. Kristy McNichol answers the door, greets her new governess, and tells her that her father is hard at work in his lab. Jaime sees a giant bookcase overturned in the middle of the living room floor with books strewn about and asks whassup with that, and Kristy breezily says it just fell over. LOL. After she scampers off to get her father, Jaime bionically lifts the bookcase, maneuvers it so it's upright against the wall, then picks up and re-shelves all the books. I wonder why Oscar has never come right out and instructed her to keep her bionicness on the down-low with whoever she happens to be interacting with during her missions, since I'm pretty sure it's supposed to remain top secret. She activates her bionic ear and hears Alan express annoyance at being interrupted by the arrival of the new governess, then grumpishly agrees to get the introductions out of the way. When he and Kristy enter the room, they're surprised to see the bookcase back in its default position and stare at Jaime in puzzlement as she nonsensically explains, "I was just cleaning things up." Alan brusquely asks to see her OSI identification badge - which she promptly shows to him - then spots a misshelved book with Putnam written across the cover. He picks it up, mutters, "This doesn't belong here", and tells Kristy to take care of it. He then tells Jaime he's far too busy with the Alpha Sensor Project to spend another minute on polite niceties (!), promises to go over her assigned duties in the morning, then rushes back to his lab. Kristy places the large Putnam book on a special stand as Jaime stares at a painting of Kristy's mother - Elizabeth Putnam Cory - and remarks on how beautiful she was. Kristy tells her that the Putnam book has been in her family for a long time, then cackles, "It's a witch book!" and explains that one of her ancestors, Rebecca Putnam, was put on trial for witchcraft, then thrown into a Salem jail where she later died. Jaime calls that intriguing and says she'd be interested in taking a closer look at the Putnam book.
Later, Jaime is relaxing in her very large governess quarters, which features a cozy fireplace and a huge painting of Rebecca Putnam's witch trial. Yeesh, I wonder why that grisly thing isn't hanging in a local museum or something. Jaime reads the Putnam book while we get a disturbing audio re-enactment of Rebecca's Salem Witch Trial as the camera remains fixed on the painting.
Jaime hears noises coming from outside, so she wanders over to the window to investigate. She sees what looks like a ghostly spirit departing the house, then blowing through leaves and knocking over lawn furniture. Jaime bionically leaps out of the window and jogs after it, using her bionic ear to guide her since the thing she's chasing after isn't actually visible. The ghostly spirit leads her to the cemetery...and as she ambles around the gravestones, the creepy bearded man comes up right behind her, which freaks her the hell out when she senses his presence and whirls around. She shrieks, "Who are you?!" so he introduces himself as Emil Laslo and tells her that he likes to spend his time studying the supernatural. He's currently in Essexville to investigate the ghostly presence that's been wigging everyone out, then warns Jaime that while the ghost might be a harmless nuisance to some, it could be very dangerous to her. Jaime stares back at him, her face scrunched worriedly.
Jaime calls Oscar to report that, yep, there's definitely a ghostly spirit wreaking havoc in Essexville. She also tells him about her encounter with Emil Laslo and suggests that he look into that weirdo's background.
Alan is cleaning up all the broken glass from the spiritual visitation the night before when Jaime drops by the lab. He remarks on her Grade 6 security clearance, then says he knows that the OSI sent her to keep an eye on more than just his daughter - and Jaime's like, "Well duh" and points out that OSI has a lot of money invested in his Alpha Sensor Project. He assures her that he packed up the alpha sensor component very carefully, and it didn't sustain any damage during the chaos. He says that the ghost seems to center most of its rage in the lab...but that he can't bring himself to look into it 'cause he's pretty sure it's the ghost of his late wife, Elizabeth. He says she was "special", meaning telekinetic, and that some of her ancestors also had unusual abilities. I guess that would explain the witchcraft accusations that got lobbed against Rebecca Putnam during the Salem Witch Trials fiasco.
Alan steers Jaime over to a giant contraption equipped with large buttons and polygraph-like needles and explains that it's an instrument to register energy waves...and that his angry wife's ghost has been causing the needles to go wild. Jaime's like, "Uh, isn't your wife dead?" so Alan tells her that when Elizabeth learned she was dying, she promised to contact him from beyond the grave, if and whenever possible. Jaime asks him why Elizabeth's ghost would want to sabotage his work now that she's in the afterlife, and he's like, "I dunno" then says that all of these disturbances have been tough on Kristy, who he's been pretty much neglecting in favor of his OSI work. He gets a faraway look in his eyes and reminisces about how different their lives were when Elizabeth was alive...and says it's been a long time since he's been around a beautiful, stimulating woman.
And speaking of being around a beautiful, stimulating woman...
Alan looks as though he's just noticed Jaime's good looks and sparkling personality for the first time, brazenly ogles her, and tells her she's way cuter than Kristy's past governesses. He impulsively decides, "Why not take the day off?" and invites Jaime to come along on a picnic at the lake with him and Kristy. Jaime perks up at that and says it sounds like a wonderful idea...and as the two happily skip out of the lab, we see that Kristy has been standing in the shadows, eavesdropping and looking all Omen-like as she stares unhappily into space.
Picnic time! After a lovely picnic lunch, Alan urges Kristy to lie down and have a snooze so he can take Jaime on a romantic canoe ride. In the next scene, Jaime and Alan are happily paddling along when - eeeeek! - they stumble into the crosshairs of a nearby log that abruptly becomes possessed. It launches itself at Jaime and Alan, then slams into the side of the canoe. Jaime looks unsettled by the strange attack - 'cause who the hell expects an inanimate object like a log to hurl itself at your canoe? - and even more unsettled when the demonic log propels itself at the canoe a second and third time and smashes a giant hole into the side of it.
Emil Laslo is standing on the shore, watching the bemusing attack through a pair of binoculars. As the canoe rapidly sinks, Jaime and Alan are thrown into the water. Jaime swims over to Alan, who's floating face down in the water, turns him upright and hopes to hell he's still breathing, and bionically swims with him to shore...with the maniacal log in hot pursuit like Jaws. When the two reach the shore, the log torpedoes itself straight at Jaime - but she sees it coming and bionically leaps into the air to avoid being impaled by the evil thing. She activates her bionic ear and hears Kristy shriek, "Mother?!" and when she and Alan rush over to where the demon spawn is napping, she wails that mother was just here, and that she was trying to hurt Jaime. Jaime stares back at her looking frightened and discombobulated.
Oscar calls Jaime to give her some background info on Emil Laslo. Apparently, he's a well known investigator of the supernatural and makes his money on exposing hoaxes and explaining how illusions are created. Jaime tells him about the demon log that tried to sink the canoe that she and Alan were paddling...and that she's still pretty freaked out about the whole thing.
Alan packs up his phase one sensor in a metal suitcase 'cause he's transporting it to MIT, where he'll then train people on how to use it. He hugs Kristy goodbye and promises to make some time for her when he returns...though probably not 'cause he's going to have to start work on the phase 2 sensor, like pronto. He then turns to Jaime, gives her a sultry cheek kiss, and says he's also looking forward to spending more time with her. Mmm hmm.. As he drives off in his wood panelled station wagon, a vexed looking Kristy tells Jaime how upset her mother always got whenever her father spent time away from them...and Jaime ignores that giant red flag as she stares into space, smiling vacantly.
Jaime and Kristy head over to the lab to straighten things up when the ghostly spirit makes an unexpected appearance. When the shelving starts to shake, a bottle of sulfuric acid falls off the shelf and crashes near Jaime's cyborg foot. Kristy shrieks in horror, then looks puzzled when Jaime's shoe is the only thing that gets burned beyond recognition. The needle sensors of the large ghost-o-meter contraption start moving rapidly...and Kristy says she's pretty sure it's her mother's spirit, pissed off that her father is spending so much time away from home. Jaime rolls her eyes derisively says she doesn't believe in ghosts and that there has to be another explanation...like, for example, the %$@! call is coming from inside the house!!
Emil Laslo drops by Cory manor to speak with Alan - but Kristy tells him he's not around, but that her governess is. Jaime bounds into the room wearing a fresh new pair of shoes...and when Kristy asks her whose shoes those are, she says she found them in the lab. Kristy glares at her feet and accusingly says they're her mother's shoes - but Jaime just kind of shrugs disinterestedly and ushers Laslo into the living room. Laslo stares in fascination at Elizabeth's painting and remarks on how she's a direct descendant of Rebecca Putnam. He tells Jaime he saw what happened at the lake and thinks he can offer an explanation...and as they're talking, the furniture in the room starts vibrating. Kristy looks alarmed and says it's her mother's angry ghost again, and that she's having a fit 'cause Jaime is wearing her shoes. Laslo pulls Jaime aside and tells her he's seen this phenomenon only once before - but before he can elaborate, the ghost knocks over the giant bookcase, which lands atop Laslo. Ouch. After Jaime bionically lifts the bookcase off of him, he warns her to beware the poltergeist 'cause it's after her - eeeeek! - then falls silent as his head flops to the side. I assumed that that meant he was a goner, but Jaime must have sensed a pulse 'cause she tells Kristy she's going to take him to the hospital. Kristy declines to go 'cause she's still traumatized about her mom dying in a Salem hospital.
After getting looked over in the ER, a nurse tells Jaime that Laslo is going to be fine...and we see that Jaime has been sitting in the waiting room reading Laslo's book about the supernatural, in particular the chapter on poltergeists. She suddenly looks alarmed as scary music starts up in the background, and rushes over to the nurse's station to place an emergency call to Alan.
Jaime tells Alan she's pretty sure that Kristy is behind the ghostly disturbances 'cause of her telekinetic abilities. A puzzled Alan says he had her tested for telekinesis and the results came back negative, so Jaime suggests that it's her subconscious that is telekinetic...and that it's lashing out 'cause he's not spending enough time with her. When Jaime reminds him that Kristy was asleep while they were being terrorized by the maniacal log...and that she's been asleep during all the other spiritual visitations (except during the sulfuric acid incident, and when Laslo got crushed by the giant bookcase just now...not that I want to split hairs now that I'm finally in the home stretch of this tedious episode). Alan mulls over Jaime's theory and decides that, yep, it's definitely possible. He suddenly goes, "Ack!" and says he's now worried that his demon spawn may unwittingly do something to damage the phase 2 component of his Alpha Sensor Project. He asks Jaime to get back to the house asap and get Kristy to understand that her subconscious is what's been scaring the bejeezus out of everyone in Essexville...and destroying every damn breakable in his house.
Kristy is fast asleep...and the sensors on the ghost-o-meter are going wild. Eeeeek! She dreams about her father telling her that he's going to have to work on the phase 2 component when he gets back from MIT, and when he turned to Jaime and smooched her cheek...and the dream continues in a loop of those two flashbacks.
Jaime nearly loses control of her car and screeches to a stop just as she's about to cross the large bridge...which starts self-destructing. She gets out of the car and bionically jogs across the collapsing bridge as it tries to pelt her with beams and metal parts. When she safely arrives at the house, the front door opens for her - which was pretty creepy - and after a few seconds of quiet eeriness, the furniture starts shaking and objects begin flying in her direction. She rushes upstairs, dodging flying debris, then forces her way into Kristy's room and shrieks at her to wake up. As the ghostly wind howls menacingly around her, she urgently tries to explain to Kristy that the violent disturbance has been her bratty subconscious mind doing its best to get her father's attention...and as she's doing that she's getting pelted by drawers, lamps, and an alarm clock. LOL. As the bed starts shaking violently, Jaime urgently tells Kristy to give her father another chance...and chides her naughty subconscious from nearly killing him in the lake the other day. A horrified Kristy cries, "Noooooo!!" and tearfully clings to Jaime...and Jaime assures her that she's not here to take her father away, 'cause who the hell wants to date a guy whose daughter's subconscious is harboring an out-of-control poltergeist? As Kristy absorbs this information, the ghostly wind dies down and everything stops vibrating. Phew!
Oscar is at Cory manor with Jaime, wrapping up this bizarre mission. Oscar tells Alan that the sensor components are a great success...and Alan seems pleased, but says he's going to have to take a break from work for awhile to spend some quality time with Poltergeist and look into controlling her subconscious telekinetic impulses. Jaime kisses them both goodbye while Oscar impatiently urges her to step on it, otherwise they won't stand "a ghost of a chance" being on time for their plane. Kristy gives him a cheesy thumbs up and retorts, "That's the spirit, Mr. Goldman!" and everyone chuckles light-heartedly as Oscar and Jaime climb into his car and get the hell out of Ghost Town forever.
Recap: Inside the Courtney Medical Clinic, two men in white coats enter a room where a female patient who has her face completely bandaged is sitting up in bed, puffing away on a cigarette. LOL. The older man, Dr. Courtney, tells his patient that today's the big day - but first she's going to have to gratuitously practice some more poison dart throwing at a cardboard cutout of Oscar Goldman (!). He instructs her to aim for the neck, 'cause a nick is all it's going to take to kill him. Ack!
In the next scene, Dr. Courtney and the other white-coated man, Matthews, slowly snip off the bandage, then hand the woman a mirror. Dr. Courtney smugly asks, "How do you like it, Jaime?" and we see from the reflection in the mirror that she's a dead ringer for Jaime Sommers. Egads!
Another of Dr. Courtney's cohorts, Baxley, is parked near the Austin ranch, wiretapping Jaime as she and Papa Austin chat about her messy apartment and imminent vacay in the Bahamas. When Papa Austin passively-aggressively offers to have his wife clean up after her while she suns herself, Jaime kicks into gear and bionically mops, sweeps, and cleans up her dirty dishes within five minutes. Papa Austin chuckles at the superfluous house-cleaning footage, then helps her carry her luggage out to the car.
Jaime's doppelganger, a chain-smoking woman with a Georgian drawl named Lisa Galloway, has been spending the last few weeks studying the life history, voice inflection, and mannerisms of Jaime Sommers. Dr. Courtney praises her work, but says she's going to have to nix the cigarette 'cause Jaime doesn't smoke. He then asks her if she's ready to assume Jaime's identity, and she puts out her cigarette and confidently replies in an accent-free voice, "Who's Lisa? I'm Jaime Sommers."
The real Jaime Sommers, meanwhile, is lounging on a Nassau beach, dismayed by the stubbornly pasty white skin of her bionic arm. She puts on her beach robe while mumbling curses at Rudy for not creating tannable bionic skin. Baxley comes over to her lounger, pretending to be a local, and gushes about what a beeeeeautiful American woman she is, then asks if he can join her. Instead of getting suitably turned off by his creepy leering, she's like, "Sure, why the hell not?"
Dr. Courtney supplies Lisa with an array of spy paraphernalia: a bracelet/camera, poison dart pens, and lipstick in a bomb. She assures him she's totes ready to go out and carry out her mission...then gets up, smooches one of the doctor's cohorts named Perkins (her boyfriend, I'll assume), and flounces out of the room.
Oscar gets buzzed by his secretary and is told that Jaime is here to see him, and he looks perplexed and says, "Send her in." When she - she being Lisa Galloway - enters his office, Oscar happily greets her, then asks her why she's not in the Bahamas. She tells him the weather was lousy and she got bored sitting in her hotel room...then decided that she feels much too isolated from the D.C.-based OSI and would like to learn more about about what the agency does. Like reading the confidential paperwork that's atop his desk, for example. Oscar flatly says no, and that he doesn't get why she'd be so interested in the inner-workings of the OSI...but when Lisa insists, he agrees to get her a security building permit. After he exits his office, Lisa opens the folder titled Top Secret and uses her camera bracelet to make copies of the report it contains.
Back in Nassau, Jaime has thrown all common sense to the wind and is aboard a boat with Baxley and two other shifty looking men. One of them slips a drug into her fruity drink, then serves it to her as Baxley gushes about what a huge fan he is of her tennis playing. A few seconds later, she takes a couple of sips, then gets woozy and passes out. Baxley orders the driver to head for deeper waters...and then he and the other guy stuff an unconscious Jaime into a wooden box marked fragile and toss her overboard. Oh no!
Lisa is hanging at a bar called The Pump Room, boozing and puffing away on a cigarette while waiting for Matthews. When he arrives, he chides her for smoking and reminds her how important it is to stay in character. She reluctantly hands over her pack of cigarettes, along with the film from the bracelet camera that contains the report in Oscar's Top Secret file folder.
Jaime's wooden casket hits the ocean floor - but before anyone can worry that all hope is lost, she somehow regains consciousness, bionically kicks off the top of the box, torpedoes herself up to the surface, and bionically swims to shore. Phew!
Oscar returns to his office and finds Lisa sitting in his chair with her feet on his desk, reading the latest briefs contained in his Top Secret file folder. She grins at him cheekily and says it's interesting reading. Oscar gruffly orders her to get out of his chair and get him some coffee, then gets buzzed from his secretary, who tells him that a woman claiming to be Jaime Sommers is calling from Nassau. Oscar stares over at Lisa in confusion...and she shrugs as if she has no idea what this could be all about, then turns around to covertly ready one of her poison darts. Oscar picks up the phone and hears Jaime wail about how someone just tried to kill her - just as Lisa whirls around and whips the dart in his direction. Fortunately, he ducks quick enough to avoid getting hit, and the dart gets embedded in the top of his chair. He summons security, and two men rush in and apprehend Lisa...and a furious Oscar gets all in her face, briefly swiping at it as if he's trying to figure out whether or not it's some kind of freakish mask. LOL. He demands to know who she is, but she refuses to answer. Jaime, meanwhile, is still on the other end of the phone going, "Hello? Hello? What's going on there?" and Oscar rushes back to his desk and instructs Jaime to get to the American embassy, like pronto, then head straight for the airport. He'll send a plane from Miami to pick her up in an hour. Jaime tells him she's very skeered, and Oscar stares at the poison dart that's embedded in his chair and says, "Babe, I know how you feel." (Note: again with the babe.)
The next day, Jaime's plane lands in D.C. and she heads straight over to Oscar's office. He gives her a quick debrief of the doppelganger situation, then brings her over to the office where Lisa is being held so she can get a quick peek. When she sees her look-alike, she's all, "OMG!" then asks Oscar who she is...but Oscar says he has zero clue 'cause the woman refuses to talk. All they can deduce at this point is that she recently had plastic surgery, and photographed some secret documents with a bracelet camera, the film from which was been smuggled to whoever she's working for. He solemnly tells Jaime it's imperative they get that film back, 'cause if the information gets out, it could compromise some high level government negotiations. He then sighs and resigns himself to the faint hope that one of OSI's double agents will intercept the report - but Jaime offers a more proactive solution by posing as her doppelganger in an effort to blow the nefarious operation wide open. Oscar mulls that over and says the plan could work...then gives her the only clue they have at this point, which is a matchbook from The Pump Room that they found in the doppelganger's pocket.
Jaime heads straight over to The Pump Room and is immediately recognized by the bartender, which seems like a promising start. She orders a club soda and patiently waits at the bar...but after downing four more club sodas and no one showing up to clandestinely discuss spy stuff, she's about ready to throw in the towel. Suddenly, Matthews surreptitiously appears beside her and asks her if she has any film to hand over, and when she chirps, "Nothing today" he asks her why she set up this meeting. She says she has some important intel for the head cheese that can only be delivered in person, and an irked Matthew growls, "It better be good, Lisa" then heads over to the nearby pay phone to call Dr. Courtney. The doctor worries that meeting with Lisa during the two weeks of her mission could jeopardize the entire operation - and Matthews agrees, but tells him that Lisa insists it's very important. Dr. Courtney asks him to put Lisa on the phone, so Jaime tells him she has some top secret intel to pass along, then adds, "It's not on film, it's in my head." LOL. Dr. Courtney marvels at her spot-on voice impersonation of Jaime Sommers and says if he didn't know any better he'd swear he was talking to the real thing...but then chuckles at that impossibility and tells her to let Matthews know it's OK to bring her to see him. Jaime passes along the message to Matthews, and the two exit the pub...along with a bearded, undercover OSI agent who has been sitting at the bar the entire time, eavesdropping on their exchange.
Matthews hails a cab and hustles Jaime inside...and a few seconds later, the OSI agent also catches a cab and orders the cabbie to pursue the cab ahead of him. That's interesting. I would have thought the OSI would have a more reliable system of tailing criminals (e.g. a company vehicle, assigning more than one agent to important missions like this, etc.) After driving a short while, Matthews and Jaime change cars...and easily lose the OSI agent in the cab behind them.
Matthews offers Jaime a cigarette, and she accepts it to maintain the facade of being her doppelganger...but she can't keep herself from hack-coughing after taking a few puffs. She bionically waves her finger in front of the cigarette to create enough wind to burn it down quickly - but when Matthews notices that it's nearly down to the butt, he offers her another one.
Oscar tells Lisa if she spills the beans, he'll ensure that she gets a lighter sentence - but she just continues to just sit mutely in her chair and stare into space. Oscar gets a call and learns that the agent tailing Jaime lost her - shocker - and he's all, "Damn! He lost her?!" and Lisa smirks gleefully to herself. It remains unclear why Oscar doesn't think to confine Lisa in a secure interrogation room and then conduct his OSI business far away from her prying eyes and ears.
Matthews pulls up to the Courtney Clinic and tells Jaime he'll meet her in Courtney's office. He then says she can drop "the Jaime Sommers routine" and talk like herself...even though a few scenes earlier, he had chided Lisa for not doing a good enough job of staying in character. Jaime ambles into the clinic, peruses the Staff Directory on the wall to find out what floor Dr. Courtney is on, then bionically eavesdrops on two men talking about the top secret report that Lisa got from the OSI. A few seconds later, she runs into Perkins, who grabs her and plants a big smooch on her lips.
After the commercial break, Perkins pulls Jaime into a utility room to smooch in private. He coos about how worried about her he's been, and she's like, "Uh huh" and sees the cardboard cutout of Oscar. Perkins implores her to slip back into her regular accent, 'cause he's been missing his Georgia peach...so Jaime does her best to mimic a southern drawl - but continues to rebuff his relentless kisses.
Oscar warns Lisa that it's her last chance to cooperate before they transport her to a maximum security cell. She bursts into faux tears, cries about how "a-fright" she must look with her mascara running down her face, and asks to have her lipstick so she can freshen up. One of the OSI agents unwittingly pulls the lipstick bomb out of her purse and hands it to her...and she clutches it and grins evilly.
Jaime asks Perkins if he knows what Dr. Courtney did with the top secret report she just gave him, and Perkins says it's prolly been filed in the basement vault...then whines about how she's not kissing him back. She indulges him with a quick kiss, then reaches toward the wall behind him and bionically breaks the water pipe he's leaning against, causing water to suddenly go spritzing in all directions. Dr. Courtney bursts into the room with Baxley and snaps, "What in thunder is going on?!" then tells Perkins to deal with the spritzing water and orders Jaime to follow him up to his office.
Lisa throws her lipstick bomb onto the floor of Oscar's office, and it lets out a much tinier boom than I was expecting - yet somehow the smoke renders all of the OSI agents in the room helpless as they clutch their throats and cough uncontrollably. Lisa slips out of the room, then exits the building and hails a cab.
Dr. Courtney hands Jaime a cigarette, then studies her all suspicious-like and asks her how he'd even know if she were the real Jaime Sommers. Jaime slips into her fake Georgian drawl as she chuckles and tells him she's prettier, then points out that the real Jaime is "at the bottom of the deep blue sea". He goes, "Is she?" then chuckles at the ridiculousness of Jaime being alive and asks her what was so important that she needed to talk to him face-to-face. Jaime stalls, mutters something about "whistlin' Dixie", and asks him if he really thinks the vault is in a secure enough location. He easily falls for the trick and reveals that the vault is located inside the laundry room, and that it has two impenetrable steel doors that are impossible to break into. He then asks her if she's holding out for more money before she's willing to reveal whatever intel is currently being stored in her head, and she's like, "Uh...sure, OK."
In the aftermath of the lipstick bombing, Oscar learns from the cab company that Lisa is on her way to the Courtney Clinic.
Dr. Courtney orders Jaime to get the cash box out of the wall safe...and she glances around the room and spots a painting she figures it has to be located behind. He looks at her all suspicious-like again and reminds her that she knows the combination, and she goes, "Raat" and presses her ear against the safe while activating her bionic hearing so she can break the combination. Dr. Courtney looks relieved (sort of) and says he was getting worried for a minute there. He's suddenly called away to Intensive Care for what I'll assume is a real life medical emergency, and orders Jaime to wait for him here. When he exits his office, she bionically overhears him tell Matthews to make sure that she stays put 'cause how how strangely she's acting...then orders him to tell the switchboard to disable his phone line. When Jaime overhears that, she rushes over to the phone to try to call Oscar, but the line has already been pulled.
Oscar and a young OSI agent, Russ, are en route to the Courtney Clinic. Oscar gets on his car phone and frantically orders backup.
Lisa arrives at the Courtney Clinic and encounters Perkins, gives him a big smooch, and asks him if he knows where Dr. Courtney is. He stares at her in befuddlement and tells her he's in his office, and she lights up a cigarette and steps into the elevator.
When Lisa enters Dr. Courtney's office foyer, Matthews stares at her in confusion and goes, "Hey! How did you get out?!" Inside the office, Jaime activates her bionic hearing and soon realizes that her doppelganger is right outside the door. She quickly sneaks onto the balcony, leaps to the ground, and bionically races out of sight. A few seconds later, Lisa and Matthews burst into the office...and Matthews glances around, confused that Jaime is nowhere to be found. Lisa seems oblivious to his confusion and continues her search for Dr. Courtney. Jaime, meanwhile, re-enters the clinic from the front door and runs into an increasingly perplexed Perkins. She smooches him, then enters the elevator...and a few seconds later, Lisa gets off the adjacent elevator. He wails, "How did you doooo that?" and Lisa somehow doesn't consider the possibility that Jaime is in the same building - even though she's fully aware that Jaime didn't actually die in Nassau. She grumbles to herself about how "they've all gone crazy!"
Dr. Courtney chides Lisa for not waiting for him in his office, and she's all, "Wuh? and says this is the first time she's seen him today...and then it finally dawns on her that all of this confusion she's seeing from everyone she's encountered in the clinic must be due to Jaime's presence. Now it's Baxley's turn to look confused, and he insists he killed Jaime in Nassau. Lisa just kind of shrugs and explains that she had been detained by the OSI and saw Jaime Sommers with her own eyes. That settled, the band of idiots go off in search of Jaime.
Oscar and Russ are still en route to the clinic. The driver tells Oscar he's five minutes away...but if he presses a little harder on the gas, he could make it there in four. Oscar urges him to hit the gas as hard as the speed limit will allow.
Jaime locates the vault, just as Baxley enters the laundry room with his gun drawn. Jaime bionically hears him cocking his gun, then leaps behind a pile of laundry bags just as he opens fire.
Oscar and Russ finally arrive and storm the clinic. They encounter Dr. Courtney and his men in the main hallway and order them to drop their guns.
Baxley snarks at Jaime to come out and stop wasting his time, and she responds by bionically throwing full laundry bags at him, eventually burying him under mounds of dirty sheets and towels.
Lisa finds Jaime standing in front of the vault door. She readies her poison darts and says, "Time for you and me to have it out, sugar pie. There's gonna be only one Jaime Sommers now." She throws a few of the darts in Jaime's direction, but Jaime is able to deflect them with her bionic arm. By this time, Oscar and Russ have entered the laundry room - but they're confused by the sight of the two Jaimes who are dressed in nearly identical outfits. Lisa points at Jaime and tries to pass her off as Lisa, and of course Jaime points at Lisa and does the same thing. When Oscar and Russ just stare at each other, and then at each Jaime in total befuddlement, the real Jaime rolls her eyes in exasperation and ends all confusion by bionically leaping up to the ceiling and swinging onto a pipe for a few seconds - while Lisa looks up at her in disbelief and is all, "What the..?" Jaime leaps back down and picks the darts out of her arm, and Lisa exclaims, "You should be dead!" then concedes, "I got your looks, but I shooore don't have your moves." That you don't, Lisa. That you don't.
Oscar tells Jaime that Dr. Courtney's vault was filled with stolen government papers, and that the Secretary wanted to personally thank her for her good work - but he's out of town and apparently can't get to a phone. He tells her that Lisa is going to prison, but that she'll still have her Jaime Sommers face, 'cause apparently her facial tissue will go all out of whack if she has another plastic surgery within the next twelve months. Oscar enters his office and sees the cardboard cutout of himself propped up in his chair - hee! - and Jaime walks over to it and starts talking to it as though it's him, then picks it and carries it out with her. Oscar's all, "Wha-a?" then cracks a rare smile at the silliness of having a cardboard doppelganger.
Recap: Jaime arrives at Arthur Hatch, Research Inc. in her little car and checks in with the security guard while Oscar and Dr. Hatch watch her movements from inside the complex on the security monitor. Dr. Hatch remarks that Jaime seems much too young and pretty for this assignment, but Oscar convinces him that that's what will give her the best cover for the task at hand.
Dr. Hatch shows Jaime a clunky looking device with a number pad on it that apparently took him three years to build and cost the taxpayers $40 million. Yeesh. For that kind of money they could have built half a dozen more Six Million Dollar men. When Jaime jokes that the boxy contraption looks like a garage door opener - bwahaha! - Oscar solemnly informs her that it is a Cryptograph Analyzer (sounds intense) and Dr. Hatch explains that when it's plugged into a computer, it can crack any code in the world. Except ones with any letters. He says it will be invaluable to NATO's defense, but then Oscar furrows his brows worriedly and adds, "To other people too" and says there have already been attempts to steal the decoder. He tells Jaime that her mission in this episode will be to hand deliver the contraption under cover of night to General Frank Partridge in the Mohave Secret Center. Dr. Hatch asks Jaime to sign a receipt in triplicate and provide an imprint of her thumb to prove that she's definitely, officially, absolutely been given possession of the Cryptograph Analyzer. Oscar puts it into a satchel, hands it to Jaime, and tells her it's now in her care. Dr. Hatch tells her that a pilot will meet her at the base and fly her to the Mohave Secret Center...and she's like, "OK dokey" and breezily assures him that she'll take good care of his brainchild.
As Jaime departs the research facility, a shady looking guy who's parked across the street gets on his car phone and reports that the courier - a pretty blonde woman - has just left. He snarls, "Too bad it's the last delivery she'll ever make." Eeeeeeek!
That evening, Jaime arrives at the base and notices that there's one other car in the parking lot. She activates her bionic hearing and listens in on a lovey-dovey laced conversation between the helicopter pilot, Ted Ryan, and his girlfriend. As the two canoodle, the girlfriend gabbles excitedly about their upcoming trip to Mexico...and when the two get smoochy, Jaime sheepishly switches off her bionic ear. When she exits her car, Ted Ryan does the same and ambles over to her. He asks her to verify who sent her, and seems satisfied when she chirps, "Oscar Goldman." As Ted's girlfriend drives off, Jaime happens the catch the license plate - MILLE 3 - on the off chance that that information will come in handy later. She and Ted climb into the helicopter, then have a brief and uneventful flight to the Mohave Secret Center, where two men are awaiting their arrival in a military jeep. After Jaime presents her ID, one of the men introduces himself as General Frank Partridge and asks her for the package. Jaime hands over the satchel and Frank says he's very happy to receive it...and Jaime giggles and says he's probably as happy to receive it as Oscar is relieved to get rid of it. She asks Frank to sign the receipt with his signature and thumb print, and when that's all done he [kind of snidely, I thought] tells her to say hello to his good friend Oscar. He then says he'll probably be asking her back to help with the test phase of the decoder, and Jaime rolls her eyes at that boring prospect and sarcastically retorts, "That would be a thrill!" Haha! Frank hands her a briefcase that contains "dispatches for the base" and asks her to give it to the pilot...then thanks her for her service and wishes her a safe flight home.
Ted transports Jaime back to the base, and as soon as she gets off the helicopter she rushes over to the nearest phone booth to call Oscar. She chirps, "Mission complete!" and Oscar says he's very pleased, then urges her to go home and get some rest...and that he'll send a car to her place in the morning to retrieve the all-important signed receipt. Jaime hangs up and for some reason finds herself locked inside the phone booth, so she bionically breaks the door open and then glances around furtively to see if anyone saw. Weird.
When Oscar phones Jaime the next morning, she rolls over in her bed and sleepily murmurs, "Go away", then answers the phone as if she's an answering machine. An irritated Oscar barks, "Cut that out!" and tells her that something has gone terribly wrong: General Frank Partridge is reporting that she never showed up in Mohave to deliver the decoder. Jaime's all "Wha-a?!" and tells Oscar she made the delivery as instructed and even had the general sign for it, thumbprint and all. Oscar tells her that everyone is totally freaked out about the missing decoder, and no one seems to know what happened to the clunky thing. Jaime peers out of her window and tells Oscar that a car just pulled onto the ranch, and he's like, "Uh oh. Must be the National Security Bureau." He orders her to go with the agents, and he'll meet her at their office. Jaime looks alarmed and asks if she's in trouble, and Oscar tells her it's nothing they can't resolve by the end of the episode, then reassuringly adds, "Don't worry, babe." Jaime lets the babe remark go by without comment - despite me hitting rewind to make sure I didn't just hallucinate that - and tells him she's definitely worried, then hangs up so she can bionically dress herself before the agents start knocking down her door.
Oscar introduces Jaime to Chief Investigator Gregory, who asks to see the signed receipt. Jaime pulls it out of her purse and hands it to him...and then he hands it to one of his flunkies and orders him to verify it. He asks Jaime to recount everything that happened last night, which she does...and when he still seems skeptical about her version of events, she exasperatedly tells him to talk to the pilot if he doesn't believe her. Oscar grimly informs her that they've been unable to locate the pilot and currently have an APB out on him. Gregory tells Jaime that her account of the decoder drop-off doesn't match the facts, then sternly asks her if she has any theories about how the decoder was stolen...but then doesn't give her a chance to answer 'cause he buzzes in Dr. Hatch. Dr. Hatch says he heard from a colleague in Paris that espionage broker Alex Martine is now in possession of the decoder - egads! - and that he's already made a deal to sell it to their enemies. Gregory bitchily asks Jaime what she has to say 'bout that, and Oscar snaps, "Hold on a minute!" and says that whatever may have happened to the decoder after Jaime delivered it can't possibly be her fault. Gregory concedes that it's possible Jaime is innocent, then asks her to describe General Partridge. She offers a general description - middle aged white man in a military outfit - then looks to Oscar to help her out. Oscar's like, "I dunno" and says he's never met the man...and Jaime's all, "Wha-a?! He told me you two were good friends!"
Gregory motions to a man who's been quietly sitting in the back of the room the whole time and dramatically announces that he's General Frank Partridge. Whoa. Jaime gets all discombobulated and says if that's true, then she has no idea who the fake general was who she gave the decoder to. General Partridge, who must have just quietly gotten word from whoever verified the receipt, says that the thumbprint on the receipt matches that of Alex Martine. Gregory glares at Jaime incredulously and snarls, "How much did he pay you, Miss Sommers?!" and Oscar gets angry and says he has no right to accuse babe like that. Gregory declares that Jaime will be detained pending an investigation...or until they locate the pilot and see how well his story matches up to hers.
A patrolman finds Ted's helicopter, crashed, in a remote wooded area. He calls dispatch to report the crash, and that inside the helicopter is the body of Ted Ryan, the pilot who's wanted on APB.
Jaime is detained in a jail cell, distressed and wailing, "Wha-at's happening to meeeee?!" Oscar comforts her by cooing, "Easy babe" (!) and says that since the pilot flew her to a fake air base so she could unwittingly hand over the decoder to an imposter, it's obvious she's being framed. Jaime asks him who else knew about this mission, and Oscar mulls that over and says her, himself, Dr. Hatch, and General Partridge...but that somewhere along the line there must have been a leak. Oscar gets a call from the Secretary (of State..?) on the jail phone and is sternly told that Jaime is to remain in jail and that he will not be permitted to be part of the investigation 'cause of how much he personally likes Jaime, as is evidenced by the two times so far in this episode he's referred to her as babe while tenderly trying to ease her worries. Jaime lets this bad news sink in, then needlessly demonstrates to Oscar her ability to bionically bend the steel bars of her cell. He cautions her not to do that, and argues that it would only make her look more guilty. He then says he's gotta run, warns her to not do anything foolish, and promises to return during visiting hours sometime soon.
Oscar runs into Dr. Hatch on his way out of the jailhouse. Dr. Hatch rails about how the theft of his decoder came as a terrible shock, and that he's kinda pissed off at Oscar for entrusting Jaime with three years of his hard work. A few seconds later, Dr. Hatch's assistant John Naud pulls up, and - ack! - he's the fake general Jaime gave the decoder to. Intriguing! He offers his boss a ride back to the lab.
Gregory drops by Jaime's jail cell to inform her that they found Ted Ryan's body, and that he was in possession of a briefcase full of money - 100K - with her fingerprints all over it. Jaime explains that the fake general handed it to her and said that it contained dispatches for the base, but Gregory doesn't believe her and accuses her of being in on the scam. Jaime's like, "Dude, obviously the fake general tricked me" but Gregory's like, "Blah blah blah...you're definitely guilty" and advises her to 'fess up so she can at least save Oscar from losing his job. Jaime says she should probably lawyer up, and Gregory tells her she'll get one from the OSI once she's officially in trouble. He then lifts the briefcase and snaps, "And I call this trouble" and stalks out. Um...OK. So then go get her a lawyer, dickwad.
Jaime lays down on her little prison cot and complains to the guard that she's very hungry, and demands that he get her a sandwich and cup of coffee from the vending machine upstairs. The guard easily gives in, says, "Don't go away" (heh), and heads off to get Jaime a snack. Jaime taps various places of the brick wall of her cell, finds as good a place as any to launch her escape, and bionically kicks at the bricks until she creates a hole large enough to crawl through. She makes her way outside and speeds off in a slo-mo bionic jog in her brown wrap dress and heels. When the guard returns with her food, he sees the hole and is all, "Wha-a?!" and sounds the alarm...and then he and another police officer rush outside to begin their pursuit. Jaime slips into an alley behind a condemned building, sees a window open on the top floor and bionically leaps upward...dun dun dun dun dun...and crawls inside. She takes the stairs down to the lobby and casually exits the building from the front door on the opposite side of the building.
Jaime flees to the nearest phone booth and breaks into the change box in order to steal a dime so she can call Oscar. When he picks up, she's like, "Don't be upset with me, but..." then tells him about her bionic jailbreak. He's all, "Noooo! You just made things worse!" but says he'll do all he can for her when he meets with the Board of Inquiry in D.C. Jaime announces that she's initiating her own impromptu investigation of the matter and needs his help with clue #1: she remembers that a young woman was in the car with Ted Ryan shortly before he flew her to the faux Mohave Secret Center, and gives him the license plate number MILLE 3. When she suddenly spots the two police officers coming her way, she abruptly hangs up, flees the phone booth, and hides behind a tree...and the two cops are mystified by how quickly she was able to disappear from view. Jaime bionically jogs to another phone booth and calls Oscar to see if he was able to trace the owner of the MILLE 3 car, and he tells her that it's registered to Millie Wilson and gives her the street address...which Jaime is miraculously able to find a few minutes later. She sees Millie's car parked in the driveway, then hides behind a fence when a car pulls up. It's the fake general, John Naud! Jaime activates her bionic hearing and hears Naud call out for Millie...and she then leaps up to the second floor balcony and tiptoes over to the window so she can eavesdrop. Millie is in tears about Ted turning up dead, and Naud explains that the plan had been for Ted to crash the chopper and leave the briefcase for the cops to find. Sadly, though, something went very wrong, and the dumb sod wasn't able to crash the chopper without actually dying in the process. Naud insists he had nothing to do with Ted's demise, and Millie cries, "You better not have!" and tearfully tells him that she and Ted were planning to go to Mexico after the scam had been successfully executed. Naud tells her she can still go since there aren't any loose ends, then offers to go with her. Mmm hmm.. He says he's very sorry about Ted, then cackles about how the authorities bought the frame on the girl. Jaime winces as she watches the two go downstairs, exit the house, and climb into his car. She leaps back down to ground level and bionically chases the car, which pulls into Dr. Hatch's research facility. Jaime leaps over the fence and enters the building...and the two jailhouse police officers appear on the scene at that moment, spot her entering the building, and radio Gregory to inform him that they've located their fugitive.
Jaime barges into Dr. Hatch's office to inform him that she's cracked The Case of the Missing Decoder and needs his help. She informs him that his assistant, John Naud, posed as General Partridge and somehow imprinted Alex Martine's thumbprint on the receipt [sorry, I kind of spaced out while they were explaining that backstory]...and Dr. Hatch dismisses that as ridiculous and says it can't possibly be. Jaime insists it be and urges him to call Oscar asap, so Dr. Hatch gets on the phone - but instead of calling Oscar, he dials Naud's number to covertly let his partner in crime know that Jaime is onto him. From a nearby office, Naud pulls out a gun from his drawer and heads over to Dr. Hatch's office with Millie in tow.
Oscar rushes back to California after ditching the Board of Inquiry meetings in D.C. to help Jaime with her sleuthing. He barks at his assistant to get Gregory on the phone, stat!
Naud enters Dr. Hatch's office with his gun drawn...and a bewildered Jaime's all, "Wha-a?!" as she quickly figures out that Dr. Hatch has been in cahoots with his assistant the entire time. She asks him why he'd want to steal his own decoder, and Hatch dismissively calls it a piece of crap that was never going to work, so he figured he'd embezzle the $40 million he received in funding and abscond to Mexico. He orders Naud to lock Jaime inside the giant vault - which, for some reason, is adjacent to his office - and set the timer for it to self-destruct in five minutes. Nooooooo!! As Naud tries to steer Jaime into the vault, she bionically shoves him away from her, grabs Dr. Hatch, and pulls him into the vault with her, and locks the door. Naud's all, "Ack!" and tries to undo the self-destruct timer and open the vault door...but when it refuses to budge, he mulls over the situation for a few seconds and tells Millie that with Hatch out of the way, they can abscond with the entire $40 million. She's like, "Can do", so the two head toward the exit...but are stopped when the police, Oscar, and Gregory suddenly arrive on the scene.
Jaime assures Dr. Hatch that she can get them out of the vault, and demonstrates her bionic ability to shift the steel lever. But before she does that, he's going to have to provide her with documented proof that the decoder was a hunk o' junk. After some quick hemming and hawing (the clock is ticking!), Dr. Hatch walks over to one of the filing cabinets and pulls out a pile of folders and hands them over. Jaime takes it on faith that he's giving her something relevant, and starts bionically turning the lever of the vault door...and remarks that she's finding it harder to open than she thought she would. With scarily little time left, Oscar yells at her to hurry...and - phew! - she's finally able to push the stubborn thing open. She and Dr. Hatch run out and flee the room, and seconds later the giant vault is blown to smithereens.
Gregory barks at Jaime that she's under arrest, and she snaps, "Tell me about it after you've read this!" and thrusts Dr. Hatch's file folders at him. Oscar's like, "Haha! In yer face!", then jokingly tells Jaime she nearly went out with a bang just now...and the two giggle at the clunkiness of his rarely demonstrated sense of humor.
Oscar accompanies Jaime back to her place and gets a phone call there from the Secretary. The Secretary tells Oscar they all owe Jaime an apology, and Oscar concurs and hands the phone over to Jaime so she can hear the apology first-hand. She bitches to the Secretary about how no one (aside from Oscar, naturally) gave her the benefit of the doubt...but then concedes that everyone is entitled to one mistake and is glad the episode is wrapping up with no real harm done. Except to Ted. And the U.S. taxpayers, who were fleeced for $40 million to finance a bum decoder. After the call, Jaime tells Oscar that the Secretary is sending her a letter of commendation, then thanks him for sticking by her through the ordeal. Oscar grins and says, "Think nothing of it, babe" (that's three babes, for anyone who's keeping a tally) and she says the one thing he did do wrong was give her terrible advice...meaning he didn't advise her to ask the Secretary for a raise. Oscar lets out a chortle.
Recap: Dr. Rudy Wells is over at his buddy's house...his buddy being an old scientist named Eric, who looks anguished as he tosses piles of his research papers into his fireplace. Eric laments that amorphous enemy forces have stolen his super secret formula for Cobalt 247...and to restore the balance of power in the world, he's handing the formula over to Rudy, who in turn will hand it over to the OSI. Apparently, Cobalt 247 is too scary a weapon to be in the hands of only one side. Sounds like a mini Cold War situation brewing here. Rudy assures him that within twenty-four hours, the formula will be locked away, safe from superfluous enemies, inside the OSI vault. Eric wishes him a safe flight...and the two friends hug as the camera pans back over to the fireplace, where the research papers have turned to ashes.
Rudy enters the airport in Manus, Brazil wearing an ill-fitting suit and funny looking straw hat that does nothing to help him blend in with the locals. He heads straight to a ticket counter - where he encounters Jaime, who is undercover in this episode as "Jaime Winters" and is decked out as a flight attendant with an unsightly red kerchief atop her head. She grins and asks Rudy how it went with Eric, and he tells her he's in possession of the formula and is fairly certain he wasn't followed. Jaime tells him they'll be taking a charter flight that leaves for Rio in thirty minutes, bionically writes out a ticket (not sure how much faster bionic handwriting is versus regular handwriting), and says that Oscar will meet them in Rio and transport them back to the States aboard Air Force 2. Fancy. She specifies that her job during this mission is to act as his bodyguard while en route to Rio. Across the small airport, two shifty looking goons - one of whom played John Abbott from The Young and the Restless! - are spying on them. John Abbott gets on the pay phone to report to his boss (Bobby) that the OSI is flying Rudy out of Manus via a charter flight. We then learn the goons' plan: John Abbott, his fuzzy haired partner whose name I never caught, and their mysterious boss Bobby will board the plane, presumably to steal Eric's formula, then ensure that Dr. Rudy Wells never reaches Rio alive. Eeeeek!
John Abbott and Fuzzy Hair board the plane, along with a schmaltzy Italian named Romero, who sits next to Rudy. Romero ogles Jaime's legs and remarks to Rudy how much he enjoys ogling leggy blonde gals, and Rudy chuckles at the icky sexism and says, "I couldn't have asked for nice ones if I'd made them myself." Har har. Rudy gets up and walks over to the lavatory and covertly tells Jaime she needs to keep an eye on his seat mate. Jaime glances over at Romero, and looks dismayed when she catches him brazenly leering and winking at her.
Jaime instructs the passengers to fasten their seat belts, then goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilots that everyone's ready for takeoff. A few minutes later, when the plane has reached its flying altitude, Jaime announces that smoking is now permitted - LOL...yep, I'm old enough to remember those stinky in-flight ashtrays - and that they're free to move about the cabin. John Abbott tells Fuzzy Hair that a bag o' guns has been planted for them in the cargo area, and that Bobby will cue them when it's time to grab the weapons. Once they're armed, they'll abduct Rudy, get the Cobalt 247 formula, kill Rudy, then parachute off the plane to the rendezvous point. Sounds like a complex plan to carry out aboard a tiny plane with dozens of eyewitnesses...but OK.
Jaime activates her bionic hearing to eavesdrop on the passengers and listens in while a disheveled looking man named Marlowe tell his seat mate, a prudish nun nurse with a braid bun named Mrs. Griffith, that he got kicked out of med school for repeatedly showing up to class drunk. And funnily enough, he's telling her this while gulping hard liquor from a bottle he brought on board. Sometime into the flight, Jaime hands out boxed meals just as the plane unexpectedly enters some turbulence, causing her to stumble and land in Romero's lap. At the back of the plane, John Abbott opens his briefcase and presses a big blue button, which appears to activate a tracking device.
On a ship cruising in a nearby ocean, the captain receives the signal from the tracking device and informs his men that their cohorts have reached the rendezvous point.
As the turbulence gets more scary, the pilot tells Jaime to assure the passengers that there's nothing to worry about - despite there being plenty to worry about - and soon after Jaime exits the cockpit, one of the engines catches fire. The pilot and his two co-pilots are all, "Ack! Engine fire!" and when the plane starts taking a nose-dive, all three men are jostled around the tiny cockpit so badly that they're simultaneously knocked unconscious. Jaime rushes back to the cockpit and manages to revive the pilot, who then attempts to straighten out the plane by pulling up on the yoke, then mutters in frustration that it won't budge. When he passes out again, Jaime grabs the yoke and bionically pulls it up until the plane is once again at a horizontal flying angle, then gets on the radio and shrieks to air traffic control, "We're going down!" The pilot regains consciousness, spots a coastline below, and tells Jaime he's going to try for an emergency landing, and that she needs to tell the passengers to put their life vests on and get into the appropriate crash position. John Abbott and Fuzzy Hair look annoyed by the unanticipated changes regarding their nefarious plans - and John Abbott says he's concerned about upsetting Bobby, who apparently doesn't excuse any kind of failure. As the pilot readies the plane for the emergency landing, the passengers fake jostle from side to side in their chairs to unconvincingly simulate an imminent crash. When the plane hits the water and everyone recombobulates from the impact, they rush over to the back end of the plane to exit...and while they're on that fool's errand ('cause the back door ends up being stuck), Jaime takes the opportunity to bionically kick open the front exit. She then tosses the inflatable raft onto the water below and urges everyone to leap onto it...and it's somehow able to accommodate the two dozen or so passengers without sinking or capsizing. Rudy emerges from the cockpit dragging along the pilot, then tells Jaime in kind of a casual, oh by the way manner, "Looks like he's the only one in there who survived the crash." RIP, co-pilots.
The passengers (minus the two dearly departed co-pilots) safely make it to a remote desert island and lounge on the sandy beach...which is completely nonsensical, since the flight from Manus to Rio would not have entailed flying over an ocean, which would have explained how the plane came to be anywhere near the vicinity of a remote island. Incidentally, all of this suspension of reality surrounding a plane crash gave me the sudden urge to dig up my collection of Lost DVDs and re-watch that awesome series. [We have to go baaaaack!! LOL.]
Rudy loses track of Jaime and wanders around the jungle in search of her...and finds her cheerfully gathering up anything edible. She places a coconut in front of Rudy and karate chops it in half...and Rudy smiles spacily and starts gabbling about how the idea of a bionic woman was little more than a dream two years ago - and here she is in front of him, karate chopping a coconut after crash landing on a desert island. He then remarks on her chipper mood, which is a tad odd considering their current circumstances...and she explains how grateful she is to be alive and is certain they're not going to die on the island island while waiting for help to arrive.
John Abbott places the tracking device in a tree, then tells Fuzzy Hair that their cohorts aboard the ship will be arriving in a day or so.
Back at the beach, some of the more helpful passengers have gathered together a pile of wood and started a bonfire...and everyone's chillin' and eating the grub that Jaime collected for them in the previous scene. Jaime announces to everyone that she sent out a mayday signal, so it's critical that they keep the fire burning so they can signal the rescue plane. Several of the passengers scamper off toward the jungle to gather more firewood.
Jaime ambles over to Marlowe and tells him that Rudy could use his expertise while tending to the injured passengers, and Marlowe takes a gulp from his whiskey bottle and says he's barely able to help himself, and that he dropped out of med school partly 'cause he found bodily fluids to be disgusting. Rudy loudly announces that he could use some alcohol to sterilize the pilot's wound, and Marlowe's like, "OK, fine!" and reluctantly tosses his bottle over at him. Jaime's bionic hearing suddenly detects a plane - hurray! It's Oscar! - and after a few seconds it appears over the island and releases several care packages onto the beach. One of the boxes contains a communications system, which Jaime uses to contact Oscar to see whassup with the rescue. He informs her that a Brazilian Navy boat will be arriving at 10am the following morning to pick them up...which means they'll have to spend the night on the island. Jaime happily chirps, "We'll manage!" and announces the happy news to the rest of the passengers.
John Abbott contacts the ship's captain and informs him about the rescue plan, and the captain orders him and Fuzzy Hair to kill Rudy sometime during the night. Eeeeek!
Romero tells Jaime he'd be more than happy to snuggle with her for warmth, and she's like, "Ew" and wanders over to a makeshift tent that someone erected. Mrs. Griffith stares at her in confusion, asks, "What are you doing here?" and tells her she heard from an unnamed source that Rudy just received a message that she (Jaime) wanted to meet him at the marsh. Jaime's all, "Wha-a?" and rushes off, and when no one's watching she breaks into a bionic jog. Rudy, meanwhile, is ambling through the marsh, calling out, "Jaime!" and a few seconds later, Fuzzy Hair pops up from out of nowhere and knocks him out with a blow to the head. When Rudy regains consciousness a few minutes later, he catches sight of a snake slithering toward him - but luckily Jaime arrives just in time to bionically leap to where he's laying, grab the snake, and fling it against a giant rock. Once it's safely dead, she shrieks, "I hate snakes!" Rudy tells her that someone attacked him from behind, so Jaime suggests they stay away from the beach to avoid risking endangering the others. John Abbott is standing at a distance, watching them through his binoculars, which he then hands to Mrs. Griffith, who we learn is the elusive Bobby. She coldly orders John Abbott to kill Jaime and Rudy.
Later that night at the beach, John Abbott wakes Fuzzy Hair, and the two quietly head into the jungle. Romero notices them leave, then looks alarmed that Jaime is nowhere to be found...and starts stomping around the beach calling out her name.
Jaime and Rudy are hunkered down for the night in the jungle when John Abbott fires his flare gun. Rudy's all, "Wha-a?" and stands up to investigate...and John Abbott and Fuzzy Hair open fire on him, shooting him in the abdomen. And then, in an icky twist of events, Fuzzy Hair gets bitten by a snake and cries out to John Abbott for help, but is ignored...and I can only assume dies a tortured death from the venom. Jaime hovers over Rudy, who tells her she needs to get him a pressure bandage asap. She shushes him while activating her bionic hearing and hears Romero calling out her name, then leaps up and runs in the direction of his voice. She tells him there's a medical emergency and that she needs Mrs. Griffith's help, and Romero's like, "I'm on it! Help is on the way!" and sprints back to the beach while ominous music plays in the background.
It's somehow daylight by the time Romero returns to the beach. He finds Mrs. Griffith under the makeshift tent and tells her she's needed for an emergency, STAT!, so she grabs her medical bag and follows Romero into the jungle. Nooooooo!!
John Abbott is spying on Jaime as she hovers over Rudy. When he spots Romero coming his way with Mrs. Griffith, he knocks him over the head. Mrs. Griffith...er, Bobby, tells John Abbott she'll launch a surprise attack on Jaime as payback for the nuisance she's been to her since the flight (?? not sure exactly what she did to annoy the old nun), then needlessly shows him the gun she brought along in her medical bag.
Marlowe glances at the medical supplies left behind in the makeshift tent and realizes that Mrs. Griffith didn't take any of the bandages along with her. He furrows his brows and is all, "Hmm...that's weird" and decides to investigate the matter.
Jaime leads Mrs. Griffith/Bobby over to where Rudy is laying. She examines his abdomen and tells Jaime that the bullet needs to come out, then asks her to apply pressure to both sides of the wound. As Jaime complies, Bobby takes a needle out of her medical bag and eyes Jaime's bare arm...then launches her surprise attack by attempting to jab the needle into Jaime's bionic arm. Jaime's all WTF?! and karate chops Bobby's hand away from her...and when a much younger stunt double sporting a braid bun steps in, Jaime flings her in slo-mo at a pile of rocks. John Abbott appears from out of nowhere firing his gun...and Jaime throws a tree log at him, rendering him powerless. A few seconds later, Romero and Marlowe appear and offer their help - and a visibly freaked out Jaime says yeah, but only if they're the good guys. She decides they're probably trustworthy and hands Romero a gun and orders him to stand guard over John Abbott, then tells Marlowe she needs his help treating Rudy. Marlowe looks over Rudy's bloody abdomen and says he needs to cauterize the vein before he can attempt to remove the bullet...and Jaime perks up, prefaces what she's about to do by telling Marlowe he can never tell anyone what he's about to see 'cause it's supposed to be classified [not that that's ever stopped her from showcasing her bionics to someone in every single episode thus far], then picks up a scalpel and cuts open her finger. He stares at it in disbelief and goes, "Wires? Inside your finger?" and Jaime nods and tells him he can use the wires to cauterize Rudy's vein. Marlowe gets all weirded out, but then calms down long enough to perform the unorthodox procedure...and after a few seconds he triumphantly announces, "We did it! The bleeding's stopped!" Jaime tells Rudy, who's stirring as he regains consciousness, that he's going to be A-OK!
The Brazilian Navy has finally arrived, and the officers take John Abbott and Bobby into custody. Sadly, the body of Fuzzy Hair is being left in the jungle to decompose after the fatal snake bite. As they carry Rudy on a stretcher toward the rescue boat, Jaime hovers over him and assures him again he's going to be fine. He thanks her for saving his life, and she jokes that she had to, 'cause he's her go-to guy whenever she needs spare bionic parts. She then thanks Marlowe for all his help and wishes him Godspeed. After that, Romero pulls her aside and says he's made the life decision to split with his wife so that they can be together, and assures her that his kids will be fine with it. Jaime's like, "Ew", orders him to patch things up with his wife pronto, and somehow keeps a straight face while she tells him they must both be brave in sacrificing their happiness for what can never be. She blows him a kiss and chirps,"Quick goodbyes are the best!" then flees with Oscar toward the rescue boat.
Recap: This episode opens in desert canyon that has been designated a cultural landmark marked with a No Trespassing sign. Inside this restricted area, a young Native American boy is sitting under a rustic arbor chanting...and he's so focused on his chanting that he doesn't notice the man who's dressed in a silver space suit (you heard me) and staring ominously in his direction from several feet away.
A few minutes after the morning bell, Jaime dashes into her classroom, turns the blackboard around, and bionically writes up the lesson plan for the day. One of the more outspoken kids, an impish bespectacled boy named Andrew, remarks, "She's doing her funny writing again." Jaime finishes writing up the lesson plan, turns the board around, and tells the kids to welcome their newest classmate - John Little Bear - but when the camera pans over to his seat, it's empty...and Jaime's all, "Wha-a-a?"
The guy in the silver space suit radios to someone that he unexpectedly encountered a little kid in the desert...and a few seconds later, the kid - who we can safely assume is John Little Bear - mounts his horse, says goodbye to his deceased grandfather with a promise to return soon, and trots off. The person on the other end of the radio tells the space suit guy he's going to have to off the kid if he ever sees him in the desert again. Eeeek!
John Little Bear arrives at school while the class is outside for recess, and Jaime strolls over and introduces herself and says, "You must be John." He tells her that everyone on the reservation called him Paco, and Jaime's like, "Er...OK...Paco" and urges him to dismount his horse and join them. One of the kids asks Paco if he's afraid his horse will run away, and Paco rolls his eyes derisively and doesn't bother answering. He "explains" that he's so late 'cause a giant bear appeared before him...or maybe it was a ghost bear that spooked his horse. Andrew rolls his eyes, calls him out on his bullcack, and says that from now on he's calling him Throwing Bull. Haha! When the bell rings, Jaime orders all the kids to go inside...and Paco hangs back and asks her if she thinks he's a liar. She says no, but that he needs to leave home earlier so he can make it to school on time.
One of the other teachers, Mrs. Stone, tells Jaime that Oscar Goldman urgently needs to see her in the base's hangar...and in the next scene, Oscar is showing Jaime film footage of military personnel parachuting out of a plane - which freaks her out 'cause of the trauma of her skydiving accident and subsequent re-cobbling together of her limbs with bionic parts during the first crossover episode. Oscar gabbles about the advances of technology in modern warfare - the latest "quantum leap" being self-contained flying suits - and shows her footage of someone flying through the air in the same kind of silver space suit we saw in the canyon. Oscar excitedly tells her that the flying space suit has the capability to go really high and fast, and even out-fly a helicopter! Jaime pretends to be deeply impressed by the leaps and bounds by which flying space suit technology has evolved and murmurs, "It's a nice gadget." Oscar tells her that a prototype will be arriving at the base in a few hours for formal testing, wants her there to ensure that nothing goes awry, then introduces her to the man who will be coordinating the security for this top secret operation - and, hey, it's a young Gary Collins! Oscar furrows his brows and says he's troubled by reports that two practice suits have gone missing, and Gary Collins says it's probably an inventory mistake, but that he'll do his best to sort it out. Oscar snarkishly orders him to get to the bottom of it, pronto, 'cause if the suits aren't found, he'll have no choice but to cancel the test. After Gary Collins slinks out of the hangar, Jaime asks Oscar why the Case of the Missing Flying Space Suits bothers him so much, and he solemnly explains how catastrophic it would be if any guerrilla war unit got its hands on the technology and had the capability to start zipping around in the air. Apparently, anti-terrorist defense systems would be powerless to stop them...unless someone working for these anti-terrorist defense systems had a sniper rifle and pretty good aim. LOL.
During the next recess, Paco brags to the class about how he can go into the desert any time he wants to visit the burial ground of his ancestors...and that he could survive there for weeks - while they, on the other hand, would probably be crying for their mommies. Gary Collins happens to walk by and overhear the dickish little tot's pronouncements, then sternly informs him that the desert surrounding the burial grounds is off limits due to military exercises. Andrew laughs and cheekily tells Paco he should have scalped Gary Collins for his uppity 'tude...and when the kids burst out laughing, Paco shrieks, "You're all stupid!" and takes off on his horse.
When Oscar and Jaime exit the hangar, they spot Paco riding his horse near the runway. Oscar asks whassup with that, so Jaime explains that the kid is her newest student. Oscar tells her to stop him from entering the restricted area (that's adjacent to the runway), and Jaime's like, "I'm on it" and starts bionically jogging after Paco. Dun dun dun dun dun dun.. Paco, meanwhile, reaches the Restricted Area sign, tethers his horse to it, and proceeds on foot. Jaime is in close pursuit and...yadda yadda... eventually finds him hiding near the wheel of a plane. She chides him for entering the restricted area, then acknowledges that his ancestors' burial grounds were discovered on this land after the base was established. Paco insists he has the right to visit his grandfather any time he wants, and Jaime says she's too weary to argue about it anymore and just wants him to [shut up for the next little while and] return to class. Paco agrees to attend class for the rest of the day, but won't commit to anything more...and Jaime sighs and says she's putting a pin in that for now.
Gary Collins drives out to the desert and enters a secret cave...and inside are two men decked out in the missing silver flying space suits. Gary Collins tells them he needs to return at least one of the suits, 'cause Oscar is growing suspicious and has threatened to cancel the test. He says they'll keep one suit, and chalk up the other missing suit to an inventory glitch. He tells them that once the prototype arrives at the base, one of them will make the switch with the pilot, then fly off in it and never return. He smiles evilly and says that at least three guerrilla groups have expressed an interest in acquiring flying space suit technology and are willing to pay upwards of $5 million. Sounds like some guerrillas are about to get hosed good if they're actually dumb enough to shell out that kind of money for a single flying suit. One of the bad guys reports that he saw a little Native American kid hanging in the desert earlier, and Gary Collins says he's aware of that situation and that, from now on, they need to off anyone they find roaming around these parts.
A military plane arrives at the base with its precious cargo of flying space suits. Oscar is in the process of carefully supervising their transfer off the plane when Gary Collins enters the hangar and reports that he found one of the "missing" practice suits in the research lab, and determined that that an inventory glitch accounted for the missing status of a second suit. Oscar nods and appears to buy that lie easily enough.
Paco's aunt drops by the school to chat with Jaime. She shows Jaime the book The Real West by Marcus Carter and tells her that Paco regards it as the bible for all things Native American. Jaime snorts derisively and goes, "Marcus Carter?!" then calls him a "third rate writer who never got out of Brooklyn". Paco's aunt concurs and says that Paco laps up every word of the book. Jaime asks her if Paco's grandfather is buried in the tribal area, and the aunt makes a face and tells her that Many Horses was a hopeless drunkard who died of exposure and was then buried in the city cemetery. Jaime clucks sympathetically at Paco's earnest struggle to connect with his heritage and says she wants him to stay in school so she can help sort all that out for him.
The pilot who has been assigned to test out the flying space suit has arrived at the base...and as Oscar greets him, Gary Collins smirks evilly in their direction.
Andrew gives the class a short presentation about his grandfather who fought in World War I. After he wraps it up, Jaime asks if anyone else has a story about a family member who fought in the Great War...and Paco stands up and tells everyone that his grandfather was a great war chief who successfully fought the U.S. cavalry with only a few brave men. Jaime gently tells him that by 1917 the Indian Wars were largely over, but Paco stubbornly insists, "Not for my grandfather" and says he died a hero after taking down over twenty American soldiers. When the bell rings, Jaime asks Paco to stay behind and says she knows all about Many Horses...and diplomatically says he was a good man who did his best to raise him to be a good person. When she chides him for making up outlandish stories about him, Paco gets defensive and says he's going off to live in the desert with no intention of ever returning to school. Jaime makes him a deal: if she's able to find him within half an hour, he'll agree to attend school and stop telling tales. Paco's like, "Deal!" and rushes out of the room just as Jaime's private telephone rings...and it's Oscar, calling to tell her that the testing for the flying space suit is scheduled for 9am the following morning. Oscar informs her that he's about to lock down the base, along with the nearby restricted desert area...and Jaime's all, "Wha-a?", quickly hangs up, and bionically chases after Paco.
We get a lot of tediously repetitive footage of Jaime jogging through the desert canyon in slo-mo, then stopping periodically to activate her bionic hearing to listen for the clop clop sound of Paco's horse trotting along the rocks so she's confident she's bionically jogging in the right direction.
One of Gary Collins' cohorts (dunno what his name is so we'll call him Bad Guy #1) is driving in the desert in a military jeep when he spots Paco on his horse. Jaime, meanwhile, leaps onto high ground to get a better view of the area and spots Paco having a quick snack...then leaps back down and runs toward him. Paco finishes his snack, mounts his horse, and rides off...and a few seconds later, he encounters Bad Guy #2 wearing one of the flying space suits. He's all, "Wha-a?!" and stares at the silver spaceman in bewildered disbelief.
After the commercial break, Bad Guy #2 chases after Paco...but when he loses sight of the lad, he flags down Bad Guy #1, who cruises by in his jeep. Bad Guy #2 climbs into the jeep and says they need to find the kid before he makes his way out of the canyon and blabs to everyone about what he just saw.
Jaime finally reaches Paco, who's all wigged out about seeing the silver spaceman - but for some reason Jaime doesn't make the connection between his tale and the missing flying space suit from the OSI research lab and admonishes him for lying. Meanwhile, Bad Guys #1 and #2 make their way onto high ground, directly above Jaime and Paco, and start shoving dozens of [paper mache] rocks onto the two intruders. Jaime uses her bionic arms to deflect the boulders from landing on her and Paco...but eventually they're surrounded by an avalanche of rocks. When the bad guys are satisfied that the two are dead and buried beneath the boulders and head off, Jaime bionically breaks through the avalanche while Paco stares at her in awestruck confusion. He says she must be "a spirit sent by the sky father", but Jaime breezily tells him she's just an extraordinarily strong human woman, then says that something very dangerous is going on in the desert. She orders him to ride back to school, find Mrs. Stone, and tell her to alert Oscar Goldman that she, along with a man in a silver space suit, are roaming around the canyon.
The bad guys return to the cave and call Gary Collins at the base to inform him that they came across the little Native American kid again - and that he's been killed, along with a pretty blonde woman who unexpectedly turned up. Gary Collins is dismayed when he deduces that the blonde woman buried under the boulders is most likely Jaime, and says he's worried that when Oscar realizes she's missing, he'll cancel the flying space suit test. He says they're going to need to push Operation Steal Flying Space Suit ahead to right now...then gets off the phone and tells Oscar that a weather front is moving in, which makes it imperative that they do their testing asap. Oscar mulls that over and glances over at the pilot...and the pilot shrugs and says he's ready to get started any time. Oscar agrees to begin the testing, then says that once Jaime gets here, he'll secure the base.
Jaime peers into the cave and sees Bad Guy #2 dressed in the flying space suit...but before she can react, she's knocked unconscious from behind by Bad Guy #1. Both men are puzzled as to how she survived the boulder avalanche, but shrug it off and decide they should keep her hostage in case their plot to steal the space suit prototype goes awry.
Paco arrives at the school, finds Mrs. Stone, and tells her that Jaime is trapped in the canyon with a silver spaceman. Mrs. Stone chides him for making up stories again - but he insists it's all true, and that she needs to alert Oscar Goldman, like pronto. For added proof, he draws a picture of the man in the flying space suit on the blackboard.
Oscar arrives at the school to fetch Jaime and finds Paco and Mrs. Stone in her classroom. Paco tells him that Jaime is in the desert, along with a silver space man...and Oscar's all, "Wha-a?", then stares at his drawing on the blackboard and immediately looks alarmed. He tells Paco that Jaime is in serious trouble and dashes out.
Oscar encounters Gary Collins, who's driving by in his jeep, and informs him that they have a red alert situation and need to call off the test...and by red alert situation, he means that Jaime is in the desert with someone who somehow acquired one of their practice flying suits. Gary Collins, who's forced to concede that the jig is finally up, pulls a gun on Oscar and stonily forbids him from calling off the test. He then orders him into the jeep...and the two drive off as Paco anxiously watches from the classroom window.
Inside the cave, Jaime regains consciousness, but Bad Guy #2 points his gun at her and orders her to lay back down.
Paco dashes out of the school, mounts his horse, and races back to the desert.
Bad Guy #1 arrives at the base and assures Oscar that Jaime is alive and well...but if he wants her to stay that way, he'll need to do as he's told.
Back at the cave, Bad Guy #2 gets word that all systems are go with the testing of the flying space suit. Jaime reaches for a large rock - but he sees her grab it, points his gun at her, and orders her to put it down.
Paco approaches the entrance of the cave just as Jaime activates her bionic hearing and hears the clop clop of his horse's hooves. She raises her voice so that Paco can easily hear her and Bad Guy #2 talking...and Paco cleverly creates a diversion, which prompts Bad Guy #2 to rush out of the cave to check it out. Jaime uses the opportunity to spring into action, and knocks him unconscious and smashes his gun. Paco rushes in, and Jaime hugs him and thanks him for saving her life...then tells him to go straight home while she bionically jogs back toward the base to wrap up what's left of this tedious episode. Dun dun dun dun dun..
Oscar and the pilot stand by helplessly while Bad Guy #1 gets suited up in the prototype space suit. He and Gary Collins cackle about how the OSI will never see the suit again, 'cause they're going to sell it to the highest bidding [hapless] guerrilla group. Bad Guy #1 climbs onto the back of a military truck...and Gary Collins orders Oscar into the truck as well, once again threatening to kill Jaime if he doesn't comply. The truck leaves the hangar as Jaime continues to bionically make her way back to the base.
The unsuspecting General Fuller - the uber-cheese at OSI - has arrived at the base to witness the testing of the flying space suit and sees the military truck approach. Oscar greets Fuller and pretends that nothing is amiss as Bad Guy #1 (posing as the pilot) exits the truck and prepares for lift-off. Gary Collins suddenly spots Jaime bionically jogging toward them and is all, "The fuck? Where did she come from?!" and pulls out his gun. Oscar gives him a karate chop, then knocks him onto the ground and disarms him. Bad Guy #1 is all, "Ack!" and hits the green go button and lifts off - but by this time, Jaime is close enough to leap into the air to grab him and hit the red stop button - LOL - and both hurtle back down to the ground. Bad Guy #1 and Gary Collins are immediately taken into custody and ever seen or heard from again...I will assume.
Jaime strolls through the desert with Paco and assures him that wanting to learn about his heritage is perfectly A-OK. They stop at the rustic arbor, and he tells her he got the idea to build it from reading The Real West. Jaime tells him it's actually historically inaccurate, 'cause Western Indians didn't build these types of arbors...then promises to help him find some authentic books "written by some real Indians". He marvels over her book smarts and extraordinary physical strength, and once again insists that she must be a spirit...but she tells him that having the ability to do unusual things doesn't necessarily make someone a spirit. She then tells him to keep her superhuman strength on the down low 'cause it's supposed to be classified government intel...and Paco says he has no problem with that, since he doubts anyone would believe him anyway.
Recap: This episode opens with footage of an international auto race in the desert..and we learn that a 500-mile auto race through the fictional Middle Eastern country of Taftan is about to take place.
In the fictional Middle Eastern town of Ariram...
A skittish looking man slips into a bar and hands the bartender a small cassette, along with a wad of cash. The bartender takes a break from drying a drinking glass to count the money...and while he's doing that, a military siren can be heard in the background. The skittish man is all, "Ack!" and flees the bar.
At OSI headquarters in Washington, D.C...
Oscar tells the Secretary of State that his undercover agent was barely able to escape capture from the Taftanian military after dropping off the cassette at the bar, then says he sent for their bionic woman - just as Jaime enters the office and rolls her eyes in annoyance. After Oscar quickly ends the call, she irritably asks whassup with him pulling her out of algebra class (she's teaching those tiny kids algebra??), then thrown onto a plane and flown to D.C. without so much as an explanation. Oscar tells her he needs to send her to the fictional country of Taftan, like pronto, then explains that a military group has just taken over control of the government. They've sealed the borders and invaded the American embassy, where an OSI agent secretly worked as a diplomat. This diplomat was in possession of a cassette tape that has six months worth of top secret intel on it, and luckily he was able to evade the military police long enough to stash it at a secret drop-off location. Oscar tells Jaime that her mission - should she choose to accept it, which she has to 'cause she's forever beholden to the OSI for making her into a cyborg spy - is to extract the cassette before anyone else gets a chance to snatch it. As luck would have it, the military police is continuing the country's tradition of hosting its annual auto race through the desert...and by scripted coincidence the course runs past the town of Ariram. Oscar tells Jaime that his plan will be to sneak her into Taftan under the guise of being the navigator of a two person car racing team. Jaime makes a face and mutters, "Oy.." and does not look thrilled by being strong-armed into yet another secret spy mission she has no interest or desire to carry out.
Fourteen hours later, Jaime and Oscar arrive in Taftan. Oscar is "incognito" in a mustache and is going by the alias Oscar Bartholomew. He tells Jaime another piece of the story he held back while they were in D.C.: a former OSI agent, who used to work in their communications center, was recently outed as a double agent and it was learned that he/she sold information about the whereabouts of the cassette. Oscar emphasizes how crucial it is for her to win the auto race, 'cause he's pretty sure that another spy is among the competitors and will make an attempt to acquire the cassette. To ensure that Jaime reaches Ariram first, he's sponsored famous Grand Prix racer Tim Sanders to be her driver. He then warns her to not blab to Tim about this race being a government mission, 'cause he has no idea that she's a cyborg spy. [Considering that she routinely blabs about her government missions and makes no attempt to hide her bionic abilities from whoever happens to be standing nearby, if she actually refrained from doing so during this mission, it would be a first.]
Tim is entranced when he's introduced to Jaime...but less so with the car that Oscar has arranged for him to drive. Oscar's like whatever and suggests that the three of them go out for a drink - but Jaime says she was hoping they could go to dinner 'cause she's very hungry. Tim gazes at her in smitten adoration and says he's definitely up for a candle-lit dinner...and as the three head out, the Russian team stares over at them, then nod all suspicious-like at each other.
At the dinner table, Oscar lays out a map of the race course and instructs Tim to take the shortcut through Ariram. Tim tells him that that's crazy talk 'cause of how mountainous the route is - but Oscar argues that it's their best chance to get ahead of the competition. Tim thinks it would be too easy to get stranded and urges Jaime to set Oscar straight...but naturally she sides with Oscar and says she thinks the shortcut is a super idea. Oscar smugly barks, "Two against one!", orders the two to get a good night's rest, and heads upstairs to his hotel room. As Tim and Jaime stay behind for an after dinner coffee, a competitor in the race, Carlos Scappini, struts over to flirt with Jaime. He invites her to have a drink with him...and when she points out that she's with Tim, he laughs and says in an exaggerated Italian accent, "You're not with him if you're with me!" Tim warns Carlos to leave Jaime alone, but Carlos laughs and taunts him about how he drives and fights like a woman. Tim growls, "Don't push me", then calmly pours a drink down the front of Carlos' shirt. As Carlos lifts his arm to take a swing at Tim, Jaime bionically shoves him toward a table, which causes him to fall face-down in a large bowl of vanilla pudding. An enraged Carlos shrieks, "I'll get you for this, Sanders!" and Tim and Jaime chuckle at his funny pudding covered face and hastily exit the room. The two Russians, who are also having dinner in the restaurant, stare over at them curiously and once again nod all suspicious-like at each other.
Someone dressed in black is skulking around the garage. The skulker walks over to Tim's/Jaime's race car, loosens the steering linkage bolt, then quietly sneaks out.
The next morning, Jaime enters the garage decked out in a smart looking brown jumpsuit. She and Tim climb into their race car, and Oscar wishes them Godspeed and tells them he'll meet them at the finish line. When Jaime holds up a vomit bag she found inside the car and stares questioningly at Tim, he wryly says, "You're going to need it."
And they're off! As Tim and Jaime race along with the other competitors, the camera pans in on the loosening bolt of their car. The Russian team gets aggressive and side-swipes them and forces them off the course...and Tim grumbles about what a "dog" their car is.
Carlos Scappini is in the lead, while the Hong Kong team (who's driving the only pickup truck in the race) is close behind. We then get grainy, disjointed looking footage of what looks like an actual auto race...and that goes on for a looooong time.
After the first hundred miles, Tim and Jaime make their first pit stop...and Tim gets annoyed when he can't find their spare tires, or any of the equipment that's supposed to be waiting for them. He bitches about how it's all Oscar's fault, mutters, "I'll find them myself", and ambles off somewhere. Jaime climbs out of the car and notices the Russian team working on their car a few feet away. The female member of the team smirkily asks Jaime if she lost something, then tauntingly says, "Zee early bird gets zee verm. Zee you in Ariram!" before she and her partner climb into their car and squeal off. Jaime spots the spare tires for their car and bionically transports them over and changes them with her bare hands. The task is finished by the time Tim returns...and when he's all, "Wha-a?" Jaime tells him that a couple of guys just happened to walk by and offered to help. He's like, "OK - I guess I can buy that" then says they should quickly gas up and get back in the race.
Tim and Jaime manage to overtake the Russian team - but suddenly the loosened bolt falls off, and Tim loses control of the steering wheel, which causes the car to crash and land on one side. He and Jaime look dangerously close to death as the scene fades out for a commercial break.
Jaime regains consciousness - phew! - and climbs out of the car. She bionically turns it in order to set it upright...and her bionic hearing kicks in just in time to hear the Russian woman tell her teammate, "Zo much vor zee Americans. Faster!" I find it interesting that she's speaking in broken English to another Russian. When Tim regains consciousness, he grumbles again about what a piece of shit the car is...but upon further inspection, he deduces that someone tampered with the steering linkage. He says he can fix it with his toolkit, then has a flashback of a pudding-faced Carlos Scappini threatening to get back at him. He reminds Jaime of the incident, and she stares contemplatively into space.
Oscar notes that Jaime and Tim are stinking it up so badly that they're not even on the scoreboard. The Hong Kong team cruises past Jaime and Tim, and the female driver stares intently ahead and steers in that funny, exaggerated way we often see on bad '70s TV. Carlos Scappini, meanwhile, drives past a "This way to Ariram" sign and approaches what looks like a perilous tunnel.
Jaime and Tim make another pit stop to refuel. Tim bitches about how the Ariram route is too dangerous, but Jaime argues that it's the only way they can win. Tim snaps, "Noooo!!", reminds her that he's a world class car racer, and snarls, "No half-baked sponsor and his female navigator are going to tell me how to drive my race!" He blames Oscar for putting him in "this turkey rig" and not arranging for their pit stops to have the equipment they need. Jaime chides him for being a whiny little bitch, and showing zero gratitude to Oscar for sponsoring him and giving him the opportunity to compete in this international race. Tim finally shuts up, looks suitably sheepish, and agrees to go the Ariram route.
The scoreboard indicates that Jaime and Tim are in last place, and Oscar strokes his fake mustache and puts on his extra concerned face.
Tim barrels ahead, doing his best to catch up to the Russians on a winding mountain trail...and we get a looooong and tedious montage of all the various vehicles in the race. As Tim and Jaime drive neck-and-neck with the Russians, Tim flashes back to when Carlos told him that he acts and drives like a woman...and also recalls a horrible crash he suffered in the Grand Prix a few years ago. He pulls over, looking visibly freaked out. Jaime asks him why he did that, and he wails, "'Cause I drive like a woman!" LOL. He then whines in a stereotypically womanly fashion about all the pressure he's under...blah blah...and Jaime somehow refrains from blurting out, "We don't have time for a mental breakdown! We're in an auto race in the middle of the fucking Sahara!!" Instead, she coos at him about needlessly psyching himself out, then urges him to get back in the race and do his best to cross the finish line - after he unwittingly helps her complete her secret spy mission, that is. Tim smiles at her gratefully, puts his helmet back on, and pulls back onto the race course.
Tim and Jaime come upon a smoldering car wreck - and one of the Russian racers is laying on the side of the road. Jaime notices that the female racer is trapped beneath the car, which is leaking gas, so she bionically rushes over and lifts the car off the woman and pulls her to safety moments before it bursts into flames. As that's happening, the female member of the Hong Kong team is spying on Jaime and Tim through binoculars...which I'll take as proof that the Hong Kong team (and not the Russians as we were led to believe) are the double agents. Tim tells Jaime that they need to get back in the race, and that he's A-OK with abandoning the injured Russians, since the rescue chopper will be by any minute to transport them to a hospital. Hopefully.
After consulting a map, Tim tells Jaime that a dried up river bed could prove to be a helpful shortcut...but then a few minutes later, he crashes into a log and gets his wheels stuck. Smooth, Tim. Jaime jumps into action and bionically lifts the car over the log as Tim stares at her and is all, "Wha-a?!" After that superfluous setback, Tim gets back into the race and somehow manages to beat the Hong Kong team to Ariram. Jaime tells Tim she needs to stop by the local bar for a few minutes - but when Tim is adamant about them continuing on in the race, since they now have a good shot at winning, Jaime spills the beans and tells him she's on an important government mission and needs to retrieve some intel. LOL. I wonder if Oscar ever gets wind of how indiscreet she is every time he sends her out on official OSI business. When she climbs out of the car and heads over to the bar, Tim's like, "Fuck it" and squeals off. Jaime's all, "Wuh?", cries, "Timmmmmm!" then decides that while she's here, she should probably just go ahead and carry out the OSI mission.
Jaime enters the bar and sees the bartender drying the same drinking glass he was drying at the beginning of the episode. She tells him she's here to pick up the cassette...and when he just stares at her mutely, she repeats herself, this time speaking more slowly. The Hong Kong team, meanwhile is rapidly approaching Ariram. Jaime is using hand gestures to describe the cassette tape, and the bartender derisively rolls his eyes and says, "Lady, I speak English...and I know what a tape cassette is." Bwahaha! He then reminds her that she's supposed to give him something first, and she's like, "Oh yeah!" and fishes out a small wad of cash from her pocket. The bartender counts it, frowns with disappointment, and asks her if she has a credit card. An exasperated Jaime cries, "Oh come on! Give me the tape!" just as the Hong Kong team arrives in Ariram. Eeeek! The bartender hands over the cassette, and Jaime puts it into her pocket just as the Hong Kong drivers enter the bar with their guns drawn. Jaime leaps onto the chandelier and swings around on it as she bionically kicks the two drivers, then leaps over to a second story window and jumps off the balcony...all while the bartender is staring at her in stunned disbelief. She bionically races away from the bar, and the Hong Kong team runs onto the street and opens fire on her...but when she somehow manages to dodge every bullet, the two rush over to their pickup truck and race after her.
Jaime bionically runs the course as Tim drives solo. The Hong Kong team looks visibly puzzled by Jaime's superhuman speed and frustrated that their pickup truck can't seem to catch up to her.
Tim has flashbacks of Jaime and looks like he feels bad for abandoning her in Ariram. He turns the car around and eventually comes upon Jaime as she's fleeing the Hong Kong drivers, who are still trying to shoot her. Jaime runs over to Tim's car, grabs a wrench and whips it at the pickup truck, which punctures one of their tires. She then climbs into the car with Tim and barks at him to haul ass to the finish line.
Carlos Scappini is still in the lead - but somehow Tim is able to quickly gain on him. The two vehicles approach a river road, which is wide enough for only one car. Carlos gets cocky, miscalculates, and ends up crashing into the river...and with only five miles to the finish line, Tim and Jaime take over the lead and win the race.
Hours later, Tim and Jaime relax together in the hotel bar. She blabs to him about the top secret cassette she smuggled out of the bar and tells him it's currently on its way to Washington, D.C. He asks her what will happen to the spies from Hong Kong, and she shrugs and says at the very least they'll be charged with car sabotage. The two then discuss their personal lives...and he tells her he'll probably go back to the Grand Prix circuit, while she wants to go back to Ojai to teach primary school - and keep her fingers crossed that Oscar will stop interrupting her peaceful life and make her carry out shitty OSI missions.
Oscar enters the bar to tell Tim that his driver is ready to take him to the airport. After the two men shake hands, Tim says goodbye to Jaime...then leans in and gives her a smooch. When she bids him a final farewell, he gives her a thumbs-up and leaves. Oscar joins Jaime at her table, pours more wine into her glass and toasts, "To the winner." Jaime has a flashback of the crazy auto race she just endured and stares wistfully into space as she clinks glasses with Oscar.
Recap: An anxious looking, middle aged blonde woman is driving towards Ojai...and in the next scene, two thugs discuss their failed attempt to kill her. One of them says he thinks he managed to nick her in the arm with a bullet, and that he was able to trace her movements to a car rental agency and learn that she asked for directions to Ojai. Thug #1 furrows his brows and says, "Ojai...she's gone back to tell Jaime Sommers she's her mother"and Thug #2 replies, "Really? After all these years? What if Jaime believes her?" Thug #1 contorts his face all sinister-like and says, "Then we might have to kill them both." Eeeeeek!
The injured woman, meanwhile, continues to drive while rubbing her bullet-grazed arm.
Jaime is dreaming about herself as a child, riding a pony. Her mother appears and gives her a locket...and a few seconds later, the ringing phone wakes Jaime. The caller is a woman informing her that her parents' graves were vandalized last night, and that she needs to rush over to the cemetery, like pronto.
Jaime arrives at the cemetery and stares at her parents' graves: Ann and James Sommers. Everything here looks to be in good order, so I'm not exactly sure what sort of vandalism the graves suffered. A dog bounds over to her, and she notices that Puzzles is engraved on his name tag...and as she pets him, she has a flashback of the dog she had when she was a small child, and his name was also Puzzles. A woman sitting in a nearby car summons the dog, and he obediently bounds over. Jaime scrunches her face in shock and bewilderment as she stares at the woman driving the car and incredulously mutters, "Mother..?"
Mama Austin breezily tells Jaime she probably imagined the dog, the woman, and the car. LOL. Jaime irritably insists she heard the woman's voice and that it sounded exactly like her mother's - but Mama Austin says she was at Ann Sommers' funeral and that the power of suggestion can be very powerful. She wonders if they should maybe discuss this with Oscar, but Jaime snaps, "No!" and denies being crazy. Mama Austin reminds her that not so long ago her brain kept short-circuiting whenever she had romantic thoughts about Steve, then says she promised Oscar and Rudy she'd keep an eye out for any signs of squirreliness. Jaime gets angry and accuses her of acting as a spy, but Mama Austin says she only agreed to report back to them 'cause she cares for her and wants her to be safe. Jaime insists again that she saw Puzzles, then says she's going to drop by her childhood home to look for the pooch - who, if he's actually still alive, would make him one of the oldest dogs in all of dog history.
Jaime arrives at her childhood home and has brief flashbacks of her dearly departed parents. She greets Mrs. Noah, the current owner, and asks her if Puzzles is around. Mrs. Noah points over at Puzzles - OMG! he lives! - lounging on the front patio. Jaime asks her if Puzzles ever plays near the cemetery, but Mrs. Noah says she doubts seriously that a 20+ year old dog would have the strength to trot all the way to the cemetery and then frolic around. Jaime thanks her for her time and heads off - but suddenly her bionic hearing kicks in in time for her to hear a car engine start up. Off in the distance she notices the same car she saw being driven by her ghost-mother from the cemetery, goes, "Wha-a?!" and bionically races after it. Dun dun dun dun dun dun. When a truck appears in the oncoming lane, Jaime comes to an abrupt halt and throws in the towel on the pursuit.
Jaime smugly tells Mama Austin she saw Puzzles at her childhood home - proof that she didn't imagine seeing him at the cemetery - and Mama Austin doesn't ask her to do the math that would explain how a dog she had when she was a small child could still be alive. Jaime is startled when she notices that Oscar is in the room and gets annoyed with Mama Austin for contacting him. Oscar says when he told Rudy Wells about what she experienced at the cemetery, Rudy worried that her fragile brain was starting to implode again and was causing her to hallucinate. He then hands Jaime a file folder labelled Top Secret, and says it contains the truth about what really happened to her parents. Both were professors at the university - but, apparently, her mother also worked undercover for the U.S. government. Jaime looks shocked and is all, "Wha-a?" and Oscar drops the bomb that they were both murdered. Jaime's like, "OMG!" and says she really did see a car that looked like it was being driven by her mother - but Oscar insists it's only possible for Ann Sommers to exist in her memories and dreams. A confused Jaime says she doesn't know what to think, so Oscar urges her to get some rest, not tax her brain further, and promises to call later. After he and Mama Austin head out, Jaime settles onto her couch to start reading the confidential file folder, and has another flashback of her mother giving her the locket she still wears around her neck.
The two thugs are still on the hunt for their target. Thug #1 says they'll be in Ojai in about an hour, and that he won't miss next time he gets a clear shot.
Mrs. Noah calls Jaime to tell her about a bizarre thing that just happened: a woman stopped by to see the house, appeared to know where everything was, and was the spitting image of her dead mother. She apparently told Mrs. Noah she would be in town for one day so she could pay her respects to an old friend...and then will leave as mysteriously as she arrived.
Jaime bionically races over to the cemetery and catches her mom-alike placing yellow roses atop James Sommers' grave. When the mom-alike spots Jaime advancing on her, she tries to run away - but Jaime grabs her arm and refuses to let her go. She demands to know who she is, and the overwhelmed woman covers her face with both hands and mumbles unintelligibly. Jaime pulls her hands away, peers into her eyes, and gently asks, "Mother..?" and the woman gives her a smile, tousles her hair affectionately, and moans, "Oh Jaime. Oh yes."
Oscar is yelling at some flunky about why all of the information about Jaime's parents isn't included in their files, and the flunky tells him to chillax and explains that part of these records have been sealed. Oscar barks, "I want them!" so the flunky tells him that only OSI staff with high security clearance (such as Oscar himself) are permitted to request them.
After reading the full report on the Sommers' demise, Oscar tries to reach Jaime, but gets Mama Austin instead. He tells her he fears that the woman buried in the cemetery isn't Jaime's mother, then grimly says, "It seems there were two Anns." It also seems that he just revealed top secret information to a civilian on an open phone line.
Jaime's mom-alike - we'll call her Ann (for now) - tells Jaime that her plan was to catch a glimpse of her and then leave, and Jaime's all, "Wha-a?!" and asks her who's buried in Ann Sommers' grave. Ann says it wouldn't do her any good to know the answer to that...but when Jaime guilts her about how she owes her an explanation after pretending to be dead for so many years, she agrees to spill the beans - but insists they find somewhere private to talk.
The two thugs are still on their way to Ojai. One of them pulls a gun out of the glove compartment. Eeeeeek!
On the way to somewhere private, Ann tells Jaime that her father had been traveling with a woman named Kris Stewart when the fatal car accident occurred, and that the people who killed them are now after her. Jaime tells her there's an old barn up the road, and that they can have a proper heart-to-heart talk there.
Once they reach the barn, Jaime asks Ann what Kris was doing in the car with her father, so she explains that she often needed cover so she could secretly attend spy conferences. Apparently, Kris looked a lot like her - especially after getting plastic surgery - and would stand in for her so no one could suspect that the real Ann was off doing government spy shit. I guess I can buy that. Jaime suddenly looks alarmed and says, "How do I know you're not Kris?" - right?!! - and Ann says whether or not she is or isn't is a moot point, since she's pretty much a dead woman walking now that she's being hunted by a couple of slow moving thugs. She tells Jaime that after her faux death, the government allowed her to continue working for them as long as she agreed to pretend to remain dead...'cause if her enemies knew she was alive, they'd have gone after her (her meaning Jaime). Jaime mulls over the nonsensically muddled storyline the writers have saddled her with this week, then asks her why she decided to return to Ojai after all this time. Ann gives her a vague non-answer that explains nothing, then suggests they pay a visit to Mama Austin.
The thugs finally reach Ojai. That can't be good.
Mama Austin is wigged out by the sight of Ann Sommers, and tells Ann and Jaime that Oscar called to let her know about the shocking return of Jaime's mother from the dead. A conflicted looking Jaime implores Ann to tell her something that only her real mother would know, so Ann points at the locket she's wearing and says she gave it to her on the day she was fake killed. Jaime bursts into tears and says that that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's her mother, and the two hug and weep together.
Oscar is reading the secret file on the murders of Ann and James Sommers. His flunky asks him why no positive ID was made at the time of the accident, and Oscar says that everyone simply assumed it was Ann. He then says they're going to need a court order to exhume whatever body is in Anne's grave, so they can confirm that Kris Stewart is the one who's buried there. Once that's settled, they can start looking for Ann. Oscar stares concernedly into space and darkly adds, "The other side will want her too."
Jaime tells Ann that she and Steve Austin were engaged to be married when she had her fateful skydiving accident, got horribly injured, and was made into a government-subsidized bionic cyborg without her consent. Ann looks confused and is all, "Huh? What's bionic?" and Jaime says it's probably easiest to demonstrate the concept. She jogs over to a nearby tree and [then stands back as her blonde-wigged stunt double] bionically leaps up onto the top branch...then leaps back down and lifts a heavy old tractor. Jaime happily tells her mom that, like her, she was brought back to life after being presumed dead. After recombobulating herself after seeing her bionic daughter in action, Ann grins and says she's so glad to have this precious time with her. Jaime chirps, "We have our entire lives!" but Ann sadly shakes her head and says that that isn't going to be possible. She explains that once her usefulness to the government was no more, she started working for some bad dudes on "the other side" and became a double agent - which means she's now being hunted by both sides, and that it's too dangerous for her (her meaning Jaime) to be seen with her. Jaime suggests calling Oscar to see if he can do anything to help, but Ann nixes that idea and says he'd have no choice but to put her in prison.
Oscar calls Jaime at the ranch to tell her he's camped out at the cemetery, exhuming her faux mother's grave. Jaime tries to sound casual as she goes, "Oh, really..?" but keeps mum about her interactions with Ann. Oscar tells her he'll drop by her house in half an hour...and after Jaime hangs up, her bionic hearing kicks in, and she alerts Ann that someone is coming. Ann cries, "It's them! They've finally caught up to me!" and Jaime jumps into action and leads her out the back door. They're immediately spotted by the thugs, but Jaime manages to keep them at bay by bionically throwing hay bales at them...then throws them into the stable, locks the door, and rips one of the tires off their car. She and Ann quickly climb into Ann's car and squeal off.
Oscar learns that the dental records conclusively prove that the body in the grave is indeed that of Ann Sommers. He deduces that the woman who resurfaced must be her doppelganger, Kris Stewart, which means that Jaime could be in grave danger. Eeeeeek!
Oscar and a handful of OSI agents arrive at the Austin ranch, but Jaime is nowhere to be found. They find the thugs' tire-less car and check out the license plates...and Mama Austin worriedly tells Oscar she has no idea where Jaime is. Oscar informs her that the woman claiming to be Ann Sommers is an imposter, then asks her if she thinks that Jaime would reveal her bionicness to the nefarious double agent. Let's see...has there been a single mission so far where Jaime hasn't revealed or brazenly demonstrated her bionic strength to everyone in viewing range? So...yeah...consider the double agent fully aware of Jaime's bionicness, Oscar. Oscar tells Mama Austin that Kris Stewart started working for "the other side" soon after she was let go from the government, and that there's a possibility that she might try to sell Jaime (aka OSI's bionic cyborg) to the bad dudes. Ack!
Jaime empties her bank account - a little over $2,000 - and gets back into the car with Ann - I mean Kris. As they head to the airport, the thugs (who must have quickly escaped from the stable and made their way downtown in a new car) track their movements from a distance.
Oscar orders an 'all points bulletin' for the fake Ann Sommers and sternly tells his OSI flunkies that they all need to be on the lookout for her.
As Kris drives, she notices that they're being followed...and the thugs launch an aggressive pursuit and eventually force her off the road. When they approach the car with their guns drawn, Kris politely greets them and asks if she can talk to them somewhere out of hearing range from Jaime, and they just kind of shrug and go, "Yeah sure, OK." Kris tells Jaime to stay in the car and ambles off with the amiable hit men...and Jaime activates her bionic ear and is shocked when she hears one of the men say, "Hello, Kris", and then order his partner to "get the girl". Kris asks them if they're planning to kill Jaime, and they're like, "Uh, yeah. Pretty much." She implores them to spare her faux daughter 'cause she has absolutely nothing to do with their nefarious bidness...and assures them she's totes OK with being murdered as long as they leave Jaime alone. They're like, "Yeah sure, OK" - they're very agreeable! - so Kris goes back to the car and tells Jaime that these two nice men are FBI agents and she needs to go with them, and that this is goodbye. As the three walk off, Jaime defiantly mutters, "Not quite goodbye yet" and bionically races after the car. Dun dun dun dun dun dun. She manages to get ahead of the vehicle and causes a blockage by throwing a tree in the middle of the road, which the thugs crash into. One of the thugs waves his gun around as Jaime grabs him and bionically pulls him out of the car...and as that's happening, the gun goes off and a stray bullet hits Kris. As she slumps against the back seat, Jaime coos at her that everything's going to be OK...and a sheepish looking Kris confesses that she's not really her mother. Jaime sassily replies, "I know, Kris."
Jaime visits Kris in the hospital and gives her a bouquet of yellow roses. She asks Kris why she didn't turn her over to the thugs when she was pressured to, and Kris says she's known her ever since she was two years old, and that she was great friends with her mother. She explains that she knew about the locket 'cause Ann told her she was going to give it to her, and then died later that day. She puts her sad face on and says that Ann was the best friend she ever had, and that she wanted to come back to the only place she ever felt safe and loved. Jaime tells her she would have helped her if she'd been honest about her identity...and Kris wearily says she was tired of being herself and wanted to pretend to be her mother, even if only for a little while. Moving forward, she has agreed to cooperate with the OSI and testify against "the other side" in exchange for a light prison sentence.
Jaime finds Mama Austin gardening at the ranch and tells her that Kris is going to be fine. Mama Austin confesses that she wasn't thrilled when "Ann" resurfaced 'cause she likes thinking of herself as her sole mother figure. Jaime's all, "Awww.." and tells her she's definitely stuck with the job of being her substitute mom...and then the two reminisce about old times, declare their mutual love for one another, and head back to the house with their arms around each other.
Recap: Jaime is lugging an enormous tree stump up the stairs of her apartment to use as firewood. When Mama Austin says she'll get her husband to chop it up for her, Jaime says that won't be necessary and karate chops the stump into more manageable chunks. As the two chuckle over the various ways her bionic abilities unexpectedly come in handy, Oscar drops by. He gushes to Jaime about how lovely she looks - even though she's all dirty and sweaty from hauling a tree stump up a flight of stairs and then karate chopping it - and asks her if she was ever prom queen or a contestant in a beauty contest. Jaime makes a blech face and goes, "No and no" so Oscar says he hopes she'd be willing to be objectified by parading around in a swimsuit and sash. He explains that the OSI is on the hunt for a micro-computer circuit, which went missing and is the entire key to the country's defense system. Sounds like someone screwed the pooch on the important task of keeping a careful eye on that piece of technology. Oscar tells Jaime he recently received a cryptic message from an OSI agent working in Paris - the next Miss United States will be Miss Florida - and needs to look into what that means, exactly. He then hands Jaime a "Miss California" sash and says he'd like her to enter the Miss United States pageant so she can poke around and figure out whassup. Jaime groans about how demeaning it is for women to walk around a stage semi-naked, but Oscar's like, "Blah blah...women's lib. You're beautiful and qualified, so just do what I tell you." He says he's unsure if it'll be a fluff type assignment or a deadly mission - LOL - but the bottom line is: the safety and security of the nation depends on recovering the missing computer circuit. Jaime asks Oscar why he doesn't just call up his agent in Paris to ask him what he meant by his cryptic message, and Oscar puts his extra serious face on and tells her that the agent was just found dead in the Seine. Eeeeeeek!
Jaime enlists Mama Austin to be her official chaperone for the Miss United States pageant, and the two women arrive at the Ambassador Hotel to go through the registration process and get their room assignments.
Mama Austin, who hasn't yet gotten the memo that this is an OSI mission, gushes about how thrilling it is to be a part of such a dazzling event. She tells Jaime she's wanted her to enter beauty contests for years, then suddenly looks quizzical and asks her why she suddenly agreed to compete in this one. Jaime mumbles something about how this pageant is unique 'cause it's geared towards professional women...and when the original Miss California came down with the flu, she [and not the first runner-up of the Miss California pageant] was considered to be the most natural choice to fill in.
Mrs. Belding, the robust looking housemother who's in charge of the contestants, is standing on the stage of the hotel's giant theater, lecturing to the women about how they're to be judged on poise, beauty, talent, and intelligence. She then introduces the Master of Ceremonies...and it's Mr. Bert Parks himself! For those of you who aren't pageant buffs, he's best known for cheesily singing "There She Is, Miss America" on the annual Miss America telecast during the '50s, '60s, and '70s. Bert Parks tells the ladies that it's going to be a very hectic weekend - case in point: they have a press conference in about an hour. He then orders them to split up into their assigned groups of five so they can get started doing whatever pageant things they have to do before the big night. Jaime's group includes Miss Florida, who comes right out and says she has no desire to make friends with anyone 'cause of how desperately she wants to win the crown...then flounces off to have a secretive chat with Berk Parks. Jaime activates her bionic ear and overhears Bert Parks tell Miss Florida, "We have a deal. I'll let you know what to do when the time comes."
As the taping for the talent portion of the pageant gets underway, Jaime slips away and follows Bert Parks to a row of pay phones and once again activates her bionic hearing. She eavesdrops on him telling whoever he's talking to that Miss Florida is all set and "Once she's crowned Miss United States, everything will go like clockwork. Nothing can stop us!"
One of the contestants is performing a fire baton twirling routine, and at one point drops her blazing baton and sets fire to the carpet. LOL. Once the fire has been stamped out, Mrs. Belding calls out Jaime's name...but she's not there to respond 'cause she's on the phone with Oscar, reporting to him about how the pageant is definitely rigged. He tells her to keep up the good work, then mentions that Steve is plugging away in Brussels in an effort to locate the missing circuit. Jaime perks up at the mention of Steve and goes, "So, like, does he ever talk about me?" and Oscar indulges her and says, in fact, he does...and that he's always asking how she's doing and if she's dating anyone. Jaime beams and chirps, "OK. Bye, Oscar!" just as Mama Austin rushes over to tell her that everyone's waiting for her to perform her talent...and a few seconds after that, Bert Parks and his stage manager (Brady) storm over, admonish Jaime for making an unauthorized phone call, and forcibly usher her back to the theater.
Jaime has chosen singing as her talent, and she sweeps onto the stage in a loose fitting white pantsuit and starts crooning Feelings - OMFG - which clearly is a tribute of her love for Steve. Fortunately, her brain problems related to romantic memories of Steve appear to have resolved themselves, and her head doesn't implode in mid-song. She gets all into it and scrunches her eyes shut when she hits the high notes...and when she finally wraps it up (after making us listen to the song in its fucking entirety), everyone applauds while Mama Austin looks on with tears in her eyes. Brady, meanwhile, reports to Bert Parks that he overheard Jaime talking on the pay phone to someone named Oscar, then points out that Oscar Goldman is head of the OSI. Bert Parks shrugs and tells him that lots of men are named Oscar and breezily says it was probably just a boyfriend.
Inside their hotel room, Jaime tells Mama Austin that she needs to disappear for a little while to follow someone, and Mama Austin gives her a funny look and reminds her about the curfew. Jaime then reveals that she's on an official OSI mission, which may or may not be extremely dangerous, and explains that Oscar pulled the necessary strings to get her entered into the pageant so she could gather intel from the inside. Mama Austin looks alarmed, but then admits it was kinda weird that she (Jaime) was suddenly interested in competing in a T&A type contest after resisting it for so many years. Jaime says she needs to go out so she can spy on Bert Parks, and asks her to cover for her in case Mrs. Belding happens to drop by. She then takes a bionic leap out the window, lands several stories below, and takes off running...dun dun dun dun... At that moment, Miss Florida happens to look out of her window and - uh oh - notices Jaime bionically jogging away from the hotel.
When Mrs. Belding does her rounds for the 11pm bed-check, Miss Florida rats Jaime out and reports to the housemother that she just saw Miss California roaming around outside.
Jaime spots Bert Parks getting into a car with some guy, then bionically overhears the guy telling him that the "package" has to be in Paris the day after tomorrow. Bert Parks tells him he'll give it to Miss Florida, who will then transport it via private jet after she's crowned Miss United States. He explains that Brady will help him falsify the pageant results, then grins evilly and says he's looking forward to becoming a very rich man.
Mama Austin is alarmed when Mrs. Belding knocks on the door to perform the nightly curfew check (with a smirking Miss Florida in tow). She dashes into the bathroom and runs the water to make it look like Jaime is taking a shower, then answers the door and nervously tells Mrs. Belding that Jaime is in the shower and that she should come back later. Mrs. Belding says she's staying put and will wait until Jaime is finished. Mama Austin goes back into the bathroom to pretend to tell Jaime to speed it up...and anxiously peers out the window. Fortunately, Jaime has just returned, so Mama Austin urgently waves her up and tells her that Mrs. Belding is doing her curfew check. Jaime leaps onto the fire escape and somehow manages to climb into the teeny tiny bathroom window...and a few minutes later, she emerges from the bathroom wrapped in a robe and with a towel around her head. She apologizes to Mrs. Belding for keeping her waiting while she washed her hair...but when Miss Florida runs over and pulls off her towel and reveals a dry head of hair, Jaime is unable to explain her lie and just stares sheepishly into space. Mrs. Belding sternly tells Jaime she strongly suspects her of breaking curfew 'cause she could hear her rattling around on the fire escape, then warns her that she doesn't tolerate trouble-makers. She says she's going to tattle on her to Bert Parks and the judges, who will likely order her to stay in her room until further notice.
Mrs. Belding informs Bert Parks and Brady that Jaime was spotted outside at curfew time, and Bert Parks grimaces and agrees that the trouble-maker needs to be confined to her room. Brady gets in on that action and snarls, "If she even tries to step out of line again, it'll be her last time."
The next morning, Brady tells the contestants that Miss California won't be joining them 'cause she's under the weather...and we see that guards have been posted outside of Jaime's room and on the ground below her room. Jaime wails to Mama Austin that she desperately she needs to talk to Oscar about Miss Florida's involvement in this sinister plot, so Mama Austin offers to get in touch with Oscar for her. Jaime quickly mulls that over and decides why the hell not get Steve's mom tangled up in a dangerous OSI mission?
Mama Austin sneaks downstairs to the row of pay phones and calls Oscar - but he barks at her to hold while he gabbles to someone on a different phone about the ongoing search for the circuit, including something about "the falcon". When Oscar finally takes Mama Austin's call, Bert Parks and Brady suddenly appear beside her and loom over her menacingly. She nervously cuts the call short by saying, "I'll get back to you. Bye, Oscar!" and when Bert Parks growls, "Oscar who?" she stammers, "Uh...Oscar Lipschitz." LOL. Bert Parks snarkishly tells her she's not allowed to use these phones, and Brady grabs her and forcibly escorts her back upstairs.
Jaime is bummed that Mama Austin wasn't able to pass along any intel to Oscar - but an earnest Mama Austin tries to be of help and tells her everything she can remember Oscar saying while she was on hold. Jaime manages to piece together that the missing computer circuit has been nicknamed "the falcon", and that the newly crowned Miss United States will be its courier when she flies to Paris. Jaime says it's more important than ever that she speak to Oscar and tells Mama Austin she's going to try to slip away after the finalists are announced.
As the pageant gets underway, Jaime is back stage with the rest of the contestants, looking annoyed in her swimsuit and Miss California sash. Bert Parks introduces each of the contestants...and a few minutes after what I assume was the swimsuit portion of the competition, the five finalists are announced. Jaime is stunned to learn that she made the cut - no doubt so that Bert Parks and Brady can continue to keep a close eye on her.
In the next scene, Jaime is decked out in a soft peach gown with a flowing scarf thing in anticipation of the evening wear competition. She tells Mama Austin she's going to slip away now, and asks her to do her best to stall anyone who comes looking for her. She sneaks around backstage and spies on Bert Parks, who's talking to the guy he was in the car with earlier. She quickly realizes that they're in possession of the computer circuit and hears Bert Parks say he'll put it in a super secret hiding place...but then a small crowd of people appear from nowhere and block Jaime's view. She tries to get a better view by bionically leaping onto some scaffolding, unaware that Brady has spotted her skulking around. When Jaime is unable to determine where Bert Parks hid the circuit, she leaps back down...and is quickly grabbed from behind by Brady, who smothers her with a chloroform soaked rag. Bert Parks rushes over, concurs with Brady that Jaime is definitely up to no good, then helps him drag her off.
Bert Parks and Brady drag Jaime down a long hallway...and when Mrs. Belding appears and asks whassup, Bert Parks fibs and says she passed out 'cause she's probably "on something". Mrs. Belding has no problem believing that Jaime is a hopeless drug addict and concurs that she's been nothing but trouble. The two men bring Jaime into a small room and deposit her onto the couch, and Bert Parks gleefully says that by the time she finally comes to, they'll be out of the country.
Oscar learns from Steve that "the falcon" is scheduled to fly out of Los Angeles tonight. He hangs up the phone and orders his assistant to produce a list of all international flights leaving LA in the next few hours.
Brady tries to inject Jaime with some sort of tranquilizer, but he's puzzled when he has trouble penetrating the armadillo-like hide of her bionic arm with his needle.
Oscar calls the Ambassador Hotel and tries to get in touch with Jaime, but he's told she can't be located. He then turns on the radio, 'cause apparently the Miss United States pageant is important enough to also be broadcasted over the airwaves. He hears Bert Parks announce that, due to illness, Miss California won't be able to continue with the competition...then immediately jumps into action and tells his minions that they're off to the Ambassador Hotel!
Jaime regains consciousness, bionically breaks down the locked door, then takes off down the hall. Dun dun dun dun..
The pageant has reached the interview portion of the competition. When asked, "What is your ultimate goal in life?" one contestant says she dreams of filling the world with music. [Sorry, but the correct answer is: world peace.]
Brady sees Jaime milling around backstage and raises the curtain so that her presence is revealed to Bert Parks, as well as the audience. Bert Parks is all, "Wha-a?!" but then quickly composes himself and ushers Jaime onto the stage. He calls her "a real trooper", and she smiles cheekily and says she's feeling much better now. He proceeds to ask her about her ultimate goal in life, and she uses the opportunity to pass along a not-so-subtly coded message to Oscar: "My good friend Oscar Goldman once told me the following proverb...as the Queen flies to Paris on her falcon, so must we continue this search for our goals." Bert Parks shoots her the stink-eye and growls, "That makes zero sense" but Jaime continues grinning and says she hopes it makes sense to someone...and the oblivious audience nods approvingly and applauds. LOL. Oscar, who's en route to the hotel and has heard her coded message, immediately calls for backup units. Bert Parks announces that it's time for the judges to tabulate their votes so they can move ahead with crowning the newest Miss United States.
Brady presents Bert Parks with a silver tray that has the envelop containing the winner's name...along with a small handgun. Bert Parks grabs both items, then announces all of the runners-up. While that's going on, Brady steers an unsuspecting Mama Austin closer to the stage and says she can get a better look from this position. Bert Parks makes the shocking proclamation that Miss Florida is the first runner-up...meaning that Miss California is the new Miss United States! Jaime's all, "Wha-a-a?!" and is showered with several gifts: a tiara, a lovely bouquet of roses, a rhinestone-encrusted wand, and a Miss United States sash. Bert Parks positions himself behind her and pokes her in the back with the handgun, then snarlingly tells her to look to her right. When she does so, she notices that Brady is standing behind Mama Austin, covertly pointing a gun at her back. Bert Parks tells Jaime that as long as she does what she's told, no one will get hurt. Jaime obediently smiles for the audience as Bert Parks breaks into song...and a clueless Miss Florida stares around in complete befuddlement.
Oscar arrives at the hotel, enters the theater, and sees Jaime standing on the stage. She activates her bionic hearing so he can start peppering her with questions, which she answers by either nodding or shaking her head. Bert Parks notices their discreet communication system and forcibly drags Jaime backwards, the gun still pointed at her back. When the curtain goes down, Bert Parks and Brady hustle Jaime and Mama Austin downstairs to the parking garage - but before the women can be shoved into a car, Miss Florida appears and angrily reminds Bert Parks that he had promised her the crown. Jaime uses this distraction to bionically shove Bert Parks and Brady onto the ground, then snaps at Miss Florida to get the hell out of here. Brady jumps into his car and tries to make a break for it, but Jaime lifts up the back end of the car so he's unable to escape. Oscar appears and pulls Brady out of the car...and then a group of OSI agents swarm the area and subdue both men. Oscar barks at Bert Parks to reveal where he hid the computer circuit - but Jaime interjects and picks up her rhinestone-encrusted wand, unscrews the top of it, and pulls out the missing circuit. Oscar's like, "Phew!" and beams with relief.
Jaime finds Miss Florida sitting on the stage of the empty theater, staring despondently into space. She tells Jaime she's deeply ashamed of herself and didn't realize how selfishly she had behaved when she almost sold out herself and her country for the purpose of winning a stupid beauty pageant. Jaime tells her to learn from this mistake, then hands her the ballot that came from the judges' panel - and it reveals that she (Miss Florida) won the pageant fair and square. Jaime hands her the tiara, but Miss Florida shakes her head and moans, "I can't take it. I don't deserve it after what I did" and Jaime grins and chirps, "That's true!" and the two women burst out laughing and agree that beauty pageants are tacky, stupid, and too ridiculously sexist to ever be taken seriously.