Recap: Oscar tells Jaime he'd like to discuss her mission du jour, then hands her a wanted poster with her photograph on it and says she'll be posing as notorious female criminal Blondie Malone (who's currently doing time in prison). He informs her that she'll be travelling to the pretend country of San Rafael, then wanders over to a nearby wall map, points at Honduras (LOL), and says she'll be infiltrating the city of Hidalgo, a notorious refuge for murderers, thieves, and general-purpose gangsters. Her mission will be to find Frank Boylin, a shameless crook who recently stole two hundred dollar printing plates from the U.S. Mint, and get the stolen plates back. Looks like we've come full circle with printing plate crimes in this penultimate episode, 'cause this plot is a repeat of the first Six Million Dollar Man crossover episode plot, when Steve had to hunt down a chubby scoundrel who stole a twenty dollar printing plate from the Denver Mint. Oscar contorts his face all solemn-like and says he's afraid that Boylin will sell the plates to "other powers" [East Germans? Russians?] who may be interested in attacking the American economy by flooding the market with superfluous hundred dollar bills. Jaime asks Oscar why he's sending her on such a wretched sounding mission so close to the series finale, so he explains that he already sent two agents to Hidalgo - but never heard back from them, so assumes they're dead and decided 'why not saddle Jaime with this and see if she can come through for the OSI without getting killed in the process?' He buzzes his secretary and tells her to send in Petey "The Weasel" Regan...and a few seconds later, a weaselly looking guy wearing a green polka dotted shirt under a loud blazer saunters in. Oscar introduces him to Jaime and says he can ID Boylin and therefore help with recovering the stolen plates...and as a reward for his cooperation, he'll be granted early parole. Jaime makes an ew face and tells Oscar she doesn't like the idea of going on a mission with this criminal assclown, but Petey implores her to give him a chance. After multiple flights, Jaime and Petey land on a remote airstrip that's within driving distance of Hidalgo. The two climb into a jeep...and we see that Jaime has dyed her hair brown and decked herself out in an off-the-shoulder peasant blouse and full length twirly green skirt, 'cause apparently her cover story (atop the cover story of her being Blondie Malone) is that she's a flamenco style dancer who fell in love with Petey while in search of a better life. As the two drive toward Hidalgo, they encounter an eye-patch wearing mental patient named One Eye who has fake beard hair glued to his face and a revolver in each hand, which he uses to shoot all four of the jeep's tires after Petey sasses him. He orders Petey out of the driver's seat 'cause he wants to drive...and when Petey points out that the jeep's not actually drive-able 'cause he just shot all four tires, in the next scene we see all three of them bumpily arrive at a studio back-lot half-heartedly dressed up to look like a dusty South American town - I mean in Hidalgo via an oxen-drawn jeep.
Jaime and Petey enter the Hidalgo Hilton, a run-down cesspool of a building filled with suspicious looking guest stars. A man in a wrinkly suit named Gustav checks them in and demands a cash advance of $1000 for their room, while Petey looks over the registry to see if Frank Boylin happened to sign himself in. When Gustav tells him that no one in this hotel ever uses their real names, Petey asks him if he's ever heard of Blondie Malone...and Gustav says he knows Blondie quite well, and that she stayed at his hotel a few years ago. Jaime's like, "Shit, there goes that cover story", then tells Gustav she'd love to meet Blondie and also make friends with some of the more colorful characters in town. Gustav shoots her the stink-eye and warns her that people around these parts value their privacy, and Jaime bobs her head in agreement, then quietly heads upstairs with Petey to check out the room. Once they're out of hearing range, Gustav tells a heavy-set man who looks like Colonel Sanders that he suspects Jaime of being "a police person" and would have no problem killing her and/or Petey if either of them causes trouble. Eeeek! Once they're safely inside their hotel room, Jaime recaps the mission for Petey:
Petey goes downstairs to retrieve their luggage and is all, "Wha-a-a-a??" when he sees that One Eye has stolen his jeep and is in the process of painting TAXI on the side of it in bright yellow paint - but he suddenly gets so upset at his terrible painting skills that he pulls out his gun and starts shooting up the jeep. Gustav rushes over, wrestles the gun away from him, and assures him that the paint job is just fine - and that it's a moot point anyway 'cause most of the Hidalgo residents can't read English. Which was a nonsensical "moot point" since taxi is also spelled taxi in Spanish. Petey picks up his suitcase, mutters, "Sorry, Jaime" and slinks onto the dirt road that leads out of town. After a refreshing shower, Jaime glances out the window and happens to notice Petey and his suitcase absconding from the mission. She quickly gets dressed...then is radioed by Oscar, who called to inform her that two enemy agents just landed in San Rafael and are currently on their way to Hidalgo. Their plan is to make contact with Frank Boylin, buy the printing plates, and start churning out fake hundred dollar bills. Jaime's like, "Copy that", then leaps off of the balcony to chase Petey down. Jamie quickly catches up to Petey, who admits that, yep, he's ditching her 'cause of what a bust this horrible operation is turning out to be. Jaime agrees that indeed the mission sucks pretty hard, but tells him that things are starting to pick up now that the two enemy agents are en route to Hidalgo to illegally purchase the printing plates. She reminds him that all he really has to do is point out Frank Boylin, help her recover the printing plates, and flee town. Petey sheepishly hangs his head in shame and admits he's never actually seen Frank Boylin before, and that he lied to Oscar so he could get early parole. Jaime's all, "The fuck?!", then warns that if he abandons her now, Oscar will eventually hunt him down and throw him back into prison. She orders him to see the mission through, then demands that he give her his word. Petey argues that his word ain't worth much, but then promises to do his best to identify Frank.
Gustav tells Colonel Sanders he's past the point of being merely suspicious and thinks he'll definitely shoot Jaime and/or Petey if they try to leave town. Jaime and Petey seat themselves at the hotel bar, where One Eye is taking a break from launching his new taxi business and is tending bar. Jaime glances around, trying to suss out which of the men could be Frank Boylin, and ends up chatting with a hard-done-by looking woman who describes Hidalgo as "worse than prison". She warns Jaime and Petey that the menfolk in this town are super paranoid about police spies, so they should expect to be questioned...and a few seconds later, Jaime activates her bionic ear and overhears Gustav remark to someone about how sure he is that she's "a police spy". In the hotel room, Jaime tells Petey they have a problem, namely that Gustav is onto them...and Petey's like, "That sounds like your problem" and climbs onto the balcony to make a second escape attempt. He's all, "Ack!" when he sees an armed man standing in front of the hotel, glaring up at him, and climbs back in and tells Jaime they're surrounded by guards. Jaime shrugs unconcernedly and tells him to go downstairs and keep Gustav occupied while she searches the other rooms. Petey heads down to the lobby, where he hides behind a magazine and spots the two enemy agents check into the hotel. As One Eye escorts them to their room, Jaime spots them in the hall and bionically overhears one of them helpfully remark to the other man that he hopes that Frank contacts them quickly and accepts their offer of $5 million for the printing plates. The hard-done-by looking woman suddenly returns to her room, finds Jaime hiding in her closet, and promptly reports the break-in to One Eye. One Eye forcibly escorts Jaime downstairs and orders Petey to stay with her...and then Gustav makes a beeline over and snarkishly tells Jaime he strongly suspects her of being a police spy. Petey nervously chuckles and insists that she's a dancer not a spy, and Gustav says, "Really? Then she must dance for all of our guests!" and warns Jaime that if her dance performance don't totally wow every single hotel guest, the "encore" will be the execution of a police spy. Jaime stares back at him with stricken horror, then takes a deep breath and hopes to hell her stunt/dance double can pull off a performance art miracle. Petey pulls Gustav aside and tells him he's looking for a guest named Frank Boylin, then confesses that he and Jaime came to Hidalgo to steal a couple of valuable printing plates he has in his possession. Gustav perks up at that and tells Petey he'll be sure to keep an eye out for Mr. Boylin. The guests gather in the lobby, eagerly anticipating Jaime's impromptu flamenco-ing. Petey, meanwhile, overhears Gustav order Colonel Sanders to go upstairs to Boylin's room and look for anything that resembles printing plates. Jaime begins her performance by sticking her hands up in the air and seductively twirling her wrists...then promptly moves aside so that the camera can pan way out and allow her stunt/dance double to discreetly step in and dazzle the onlookers with her gratuitous hip gyrating, fancy footwork, and finger snapping.
Colonel Sanders enters the hard-done-by looking woman's hotel room and finds the printing plates hidden in a suitcase...and Petey sneaks up behind him and smashes something over his head and grabs the plates. The hard-done-by looking woman appears in the doorway, pulls a gun on Petey, identifies herself as Frank Boylin's wife Madeline, and orders him to hand over the plates. Petey's like, "To hell with that!" and shoves past her and flees the room - just as Jaime's stunt/dance double finishes up her skirt-twirling, foot stomping performance. Madeline races downstairs and loudly announces that Petey just stole from her, and that the printing plates became her property after Frank died. Gustav decides that this means Jaime is a police spy and sentences her to death by firing squad. Petey, meanwhile, has fled the hotel and is hiding in some nearby bushes, then thinks better of leaving Jaime behind to face certain death and emerges from his hiding spot. Jaime uses the distraction to bionically shove the jeep, newly equipped with functional tires, at Gustav, Colonel Sanders, and One Eye, and they fly through the air in slo-mo with bewildered facial expressions. After they land and recombobulate themselves, they hop into the jeep to chase after Jaime and Petey. Jaime bionically karate chops a wooden water tower at the top of a hill, which creates a flash flood and washes out the bad guys long enough for her and Petey to escape on foot. Phew! Back in Washington D.C., Oscar gushes, "You did great, babe" ... and when Petey bounds into his office in a loud, checkered suit, Jaime hands him a certificate that formally pardons him for his past crimes. He solemnly promises her he's going to go straight, even though his word still ain't worth much. Jaime looks touched and says, "It is to me." Still no word on the two missing OSI agents who disappeared in Hidalgo. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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