The Bionic Woman - Season 3, Episode 16

"Sorry, Helen Hunt, but you can't possibly be an alien. We've already done two outer space episodes this season. and a third would be complete overkill."

"Sanctuary Earth"
Original airdate: 2/11/1978

Episode summary: Jaime meets an alien princess (Helen Hunt), who's hiding out on earth during an inter-planetary conflict.

---

Recap: At OSI headquarters, Rudy tells Oscar and [Jaime's current squeeze] Chris Williams about the recent solar activity - aka "explosions in space" - his team of space scientists have been observing. Chris shrugs unconcernedly and says it all looks pretty routine and that he doesn't expect anything catastrophic to come of it. Rudy, however, is worried that if one of their satellites fails, it could create a domino effect that might jeopardize the OSI's entire space program - which couldn't possibly be that big of a deal 'cause...well, NASA. Chris tells Rudy that if it makes him feel better, he's welcome to stop by the computer center to look into the specifics of the solar activity, and he chirps, "Yes please!"

Inside the OSI space program lab, which is filled with scientists busily tapping away at their keyboards, one of the scientists asks Rudy to check out something he finds particularly weird. Rudy stares at the monitor, remarks that one of the OSI satellites looks like it's malfunctioning, then orders it to be expelled from space to a landing site in southern California. Chris perks up at that and tells Rudy that overseeing the satellite's landing would give him an excuse to link up with Jaime this episode...so he quickly calls her up and informs her that he and Rudy are on their way to Ojai. 

Jaime arrives near where the malfunctioning satellite is expected to land, then happily greets Rudy and Chris. As the satellite hurtles towards earth, it goes slightly off course from the landing site...and Jaime activates her bionic ear and is puzzled when she detects the distinct sound of a heartbeat (that she doesn't somehow mix up with the heartbeats of the people standing next to her). She asks Chris if by chance they stuck a tiny animal aboard the satellite (!), and Chris gives her a weird look and is like, "Um, no..?" LOL. Rudy and Chris hop into their jeep to follow the satellite's landing path - while Jaime, who senses something amiss with the imminent landing, says she'd prefer to bionically jog after the satellite and meet them there. She arrives at a nearby lake into which the satellite has just plopped...and a few seconds later, a young girl emerges to the water's surface and flaps around as she struggles to stay afloat. Jaime's stunt double is all, "Ack!" and quickly leaps into the water to pull her to shore...her being a young Helen Hunt decked out in a glittery gray pantsuit. Jaime asks her what in blazes she's doing in a lake after a satellite fell into it - but Helen Hunt just stares at her in bewilderment and then tries to make a break for it. Jaime stops her, urges her to relax, then peppers her with questions about who she is, what she's doing here, whether or not her parents know she's here...then marvels at the giant stone necklace she's wearing and asks, "Where on earth did you get that thing?" Helen Hunt haltingly replies, "I. Did. Not. Get. It. On. Earth", then explains that she was on mute just now so she could calibrate her brain long enough to get "the key" that makes it possible for her to understand and speak this earth language. Jaime scrunches her face confusedly and is all, "Wha-a-a?"

"Who are you? What's your name? How'd you get in that lake? Did you run away? What's up with that giant rock around your neck?"

"Are all earthlings as weird and pushy as you?"

Rudy and Chris check over their satellite tracking data and deduce that the satellite must have landed in a nearby lake. They head over with their small convoy. 

Helen Hunt tells Jaime that she's a princess from the planet Zorla (in a galaxy far, far away), and Jaime's like, "Yeah right" and asks her if she ran away from home. Helen Hunt's like, "Sort of" and tells her that her parents exported her into space so she could travel to a sanctuary planet (Pon) in order to avoid getting captured and held hostage during the inter-planetary war that just broke out. Unfortunately, however, during her in-space flight, her spacecraft went off-course 'cause of all of the unexpected solar activity happening...so when she spotted the OSI's satellite floating around, she climbed aboard and, next thing she knew, found herself getting plopped into an earth lake. A skeptical Jaime asks how she was able to fit inside such a tiny contraption, and Helen Hunt tells her she did it through "the magic of condensation". Jaime says she doesn't believe a word of this otherworldly story, but invites her back to her apartment where they can dry off and rehash the story of her inter-planetary travels in more detail.

The OSI convoy arrives at the landing site, and Rudy looks irked that he's going to have to assemble a diving team to search the lake. He tells Chris that since it's too late in the day to suit up the divers, they'll get on it first thing tomorrow morning.

Jaime and Helen Hunt have dried off, changed into snuggies, and are warming themselves by the fire. Helen Hunt dives into the unabridged backstory of her arrival on earth: her home planet of Zorla was attacked by soldiers from the planet Ullo, so Zorla launched a counter-attack...and now everyone's just kind of waiting around to see who emerges victorious. Her freaked out parents launched her into space with instructions to travel to Pon (the sanctuary planet) - but since she got diverted to a planet that isn't formally recognized as a sanctuary, she's concerned that the Ulloians will track her down, abduct her, and use her as leverage. Jaime breezily assures her that no alien could possibly land on earth without the OSI knowing about it...despite the fact that she's sitting beside an alien who just landed on earth without the OSI having the slightest clue. 

A Ulloian spacecraft flies over earth and deposits a set of twins - the Hager twins from Hee Haw! - wearing matching blazers and blue turtlenecks. They silently wave handheld devices around, stare at each other blankly for a few seconds, then vanish into thin air.

Jaime tells Helen Hunt that while she believes she's fundamentally honest, she finds her otherworldly story totally implausible - even by Bionic Woman standards - particularly the part about her fitting into a tiny satellite. Helen Hunt offers to demonstrate "the magic of condensation" by shrinking into a two-inch tall version of herself...and when she re-resizes herself, Jaime's like, "Holy fucking crap, I totally believe you now" and says she's suddenly very worried about the Ulloians scouring the Milky Way so they can abduct her for nefarious reasons. She tells Helen Hunt she could probably use some special protection, then offers to call up Oscar Goldman 'cause apparently he's "one of the most powerful leaders of this planet". Bwahaha! He is? I figured he was just one of many subordinates of a Cabinet member. Helen Hunt nixes that idea and says that no one can know she's hiding out on Earth, and that the survival of her people depends on her ability to stay alive and unabducted throughout this crisis.

Chris interrupts the conversation by telephoning Jaime to ask why she bailed on him and Rudy at the satellite landing site, and Jaime fibs and tells him she suddenly got very tired and came home to crawl into bed. After the call, Chris scrunches his face concernedly at the odd blow-off, then tells Rudy that Jaime doesn't sound like herself.

"Where'd you go? Did you invisible yourself?"

"Honey, I shrunk myself."

Helen Hunt tells Jaime that if Zorla wins the inter-planetary war, her parents will be able to quickly beam her back via her rock necklace - but if not, she won't have a planet to return home to. Unless Pon allows her to immigrate, I guess. When Max suddenly starts barking from outside the front door, Jaime goes downstairs to let him in...then introduces him to Helen Hunt as her non-human pet, and tells her he really likes it when people scratch his head.

Two guardsmen from the U.S. Air Force are assigned to keep watch over the lake so that no one can sneak in and steal the satellite. After radioing into headquarters that everything is A-OK, the Hager Hee Haw twins appear and zap the guardsmen with their devices...and they both keel over in a really fake looking collapse.

The Hager Hee Haw twins scan the lake with their zappers, summoning the satellite to lift itself out of the water (through the magic of suspension cables that are pretty easy to spot even if you're not trying very hard to notice them). The twins scan it with their zappers, look satisfied with whatever intel they uncovered, and dash off.

Oscar calls Rudy and Chris to get an update about the satellite, and Chris tells him that they're waiting until morning to send divers into the lake. Chris expresses worry that while the satellite was hurtling towards earth, it had a sudden increase in mass - e.g. the negligible weight of a re-sized two inch alien princess - but then returned to its normal weight after landing. Oscar asks if the satellite may have picked up some magnetic space garbage, then dumped it shortly before landing...and Rudy says that while it's possible, it's highly unlikely - but that "space garbage" is certainly an apt description of the writing of this silly episode. 

"We suspect that the writers weighed down this episode's script with a whole lot of magnetic space garbage, then just started filming."

"That would explain a lot."

Jaime sits at her piano and - with her eyes closed 'cause she's really feelin' it - belts out a tune for Helen Hunt, who calls her voice beautiful and says her singing reminds her of her mother. Jaime decides that since Helen Hunt demonstrated her startling ability to shrink herself, she'll return the favor by needlessly demonstrating her bionic abilities...'cause apparently it isn't enough for Jaime that most of North America and swathes of fictional East Germany knows about her top secret superhuman abilities, now word of it is going to spread to every inter-galaxial alien between Zorla and Pon. After that, Jaime decides that they should make a salad for dinner...and as she natters at Helen Hunt about the various health benefits of the versatile vegetable, one of the Hager Hee Haw twins suddenly appears in the apartment and zaps Max and Helen Hunt, rendering them unconscious. Jaime hurls the head of lettuce at him, shoves a couch in his direction, then picks up his zapper and smashes it against the wall. She's understandably confused when the other twin appears and zaps her into unconsciousness.

The Hager Hee Haw twins use their zappers to create a small red force-field inside Jaime's apartment, then mutely glance over at where Jaime is laying unconscious. 

Chris is worried about Jaime, so he calls to check up on her...and the Hager Hee Haw twins are so befuddled by the sound of the ringing phone that they zap it, causing it to disappear. When Chris can't get through, he decides, 'ah fuck it, I'll check on Jaime in person' and heads out.

Jaime and Helen Hunt find themselves confined inside the red force-field while the Hager Hee Haw twins scan the air with their zapping devices in an effort to pick up a signal from their spacecraft. Helen Hunt explains to Jaime that the twins are Ulloian soldiers who are next to powerless without their zapping devices...then mournfully says she's skeered they're going to kill her for harboring a Zorlian princess during the yet unresolved inter-planetary conflict. Jaime assures her that everything is going to be A-OK, and that they'll somehow figure a clever way out of this pickle before the end credits start rolling. 

When Chris pulls into Jaime's driveway, the Hager Hee Haw twins disappear from the apartment, then appear in the driveway and zap Chris into unconsciousness. While that's happening, Jaime orders Max to bite the zapper that one of the Hager Hee Haw twins left behind...and when he does, the red force-field is immediately disabled. The Hager Hee Haw twins reappear in the apartment and stare confusedly at each other when they notice that the red force-field is gone. They scan the apartment with the remaining zapper...and when they find Helen Hunt hiding inside a cabinet, Jaime bionically shoves the cabinet door at one of them, while Max leaps atop the other. Jaime spots the remaining zapper on the floor, grabs it, and points it at the mute twins...creating an awkward stalemate where everyone just stares at each other - including Max, who's angrily baring his teeth at the twins.

"Now that I have you both at the barrel of a zapper, I have no idea what to do next."

?????

The Ulloian spacecraft makes a sudden appearance...and a few seconds later, the Hager Hee Haw twins vanish. Helen Hunt tells Jaime they must have gotten zapped aboard their mother ship so they can return to their home planet...and her best guess is that they were ordered not to abduct her 'cause Zorla emerged victorious in the inter-planetary war. Hurray! Helen Hunt says this means she can go home now...then touches her rock necklace and promptly disappears in a puff of orange glow-smoke, and we can faintly hear her saying goodbye to Jaime.

Chris, meanwhile, regains consciousness from where he was keeled over in the driveway and asks Jaime what happened just now. Jaime wryly says she'd tell him everything that went down this episode - but that the plot was so ridiculously outlandish that it's unlikely he'd believe her.

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---