Recap: '2019 Steve' enters the Peach Pit and encounters '2019 Steve in a mullet wig' to make himself look like '1992 Steve'. He tells his wigged "young" self he jumped through time to give him a few pieces of advice: 1) Cut the hair, 'cause donning a 'fro bedecked mullet is no way to go through life, 2) Stop wearing crop tops, 'cause yeech ... and then holds up the legacy key from Season 3 and 3) urges him to "pay it forward". A few seconds later, Ian Ziering wakes up in present day BH90210 world - just as the opening credits start to roll. Da na na na, da na na na, cha cha...
At the wrap party on the Peach Pit set, Christine interrupts everyone's excited, post-pilot klatching to tell them they're going to have to sit around for much of this episode and wait to see if the show gets picked up. If it does [spoiler: it does], they'll all jet to New York at the end of the hour to celebrate the demented decision by Fox to not humanely allow Beverly Hills, 90210 to slip back into the annals of TV history and, for the love of all that is holy, stay there.
Amid all the partying, drinking, and dancing, Tori tells Jennie and Gabrielle she doesn't think it's even a question that their awesome reboot will get picked up - but then acknowledges that it's mostly wishful thinking on her part 'cause of how desperate she is for a regular pay check. What a dumbfuck of a financial mess this woman is. Gabrielle, meanwhile, says she's not sure she wants to throw away 30+ years of marriage so she can explore "new discoveries", then beams flirtily at Christine Elise, who gazes back at her from across the room. Jennie and Tori gasp and are all, "Seriously?!" You're doinking Max Headroom?!"
Zach tells Brian he was delighted to get an invitation to the wrap party, then scrunches his face into his usual hangdog expression and asks if his unwelcome presence is what's keeping Shay away. Brian explains that since Shay is well aware of how much her star power tends to "suck the oxygen out of the room", she purposely stayed away so that her husband could fully enjoy his five minutes of recycled '90s fame.
Kyler is bitching to Kelly again about only having one line in the pilot, and Kelly reminds her she's lucky to have a showbiz mom whose connections made it possible for a talentless nobody such as herself to be cast as a one-line-delivering guest star.
Ian tells Brian that Anna isn't interested in getting serious with him, and he's bummed about it 'cause he really really wants to have a family. Like 'real life Ian Ziering' does.
Shannen listens to Kyler bitch and moan about having to hang around the set for hours just so she'd be on hand to deliver her sole line, OMFG. Shannen, who refrains from pointing out how lucky she is to have even gotten the opportunity to be cast in a 90210 reboot, benignly says, "It's all part of paying your dues." Brian ambles over and regales them with "the red dress story", aka the time Jennie, Shannen, and Tori showed up at some party (coincidentally) dressed in red and then got into a vicious three-way fight about it - just as Jennie and Wyatt walk by. Jennie stares blankly into space and says she has no memory of that whatsoever.
Tori and Nate return home - just as the power unexpectedly goes out. Tori asks him if he remembered to pay the electricity bill, and he just stares dumbly into space and goes, "I dunno", then whines about how she hasn't been around much to help out. He should maybe get in touch with the local utilities company and see about setting up an automatic withdrawal payment system.
Tori natters to Jennie about how stressed she is, not knowing if the 90210 reboot is going to get picked up. Jennie contorts her weird duck lips and says she's keeping her fingers crossed that the dumb thing doesn't get picked up, 'cause she's not interested in getting bossed around by director Jason Priestly for the foreseeable future. Tori smiles knowingly and tells her to stop pretending to be so put off by Jason, and Jennie blushingly chides her for "seeing something that isn't there". Kyler comes downstairs after trying to put Tori's youngest brat to bed and exchanges bitchy barbs with her mom...blah blah...my brain has begun to tune out their relentlessly tedious snipefests.
Shay tells Brian she asked her PI to sneakily test Zach's DNA to see if he's really the spawn of Brian and the random Beverly Hills, 90210 extra he stupidly raw dogged it with...and it turns out, nope, she must also have hit the sack with someone else nine months before the weirdo was born. Brian gets prickly at Shay for doing all this behind his back and nonsensically accuses her of "ruining this" for him 'cause it was something she "couldn't control". As Shay scrunches her face confusedly and is all, "The fuck?", Brian bitchily storms out of the room.
Tori calls Christine to see if there's any word about Fox picking up the reboot, and Christine tells her that the network is currently performing audience testing. Tori says she'd looooove to see those reports, but Christine says the comments are extremely critical and would be too hurtful for her or the cast members to read, then abruptly ends the call.
Ian tells Anna he's an old fashioned type guy who really hates the "no strings attached" condition she's put on their relationship. Anna shrugs helplessly and says it's the best she can do on account of her aversion to dating actors...her mom being one and all. She tells him she'd still like to hook up every now and again, and Ian glumly says he appreciates her honesty.
Tori sneakily gets the audience test results from Christine's assistant, who emails the report to all of the cast members. The camera pans to each of them as they bewilderedly pore over the mostly negative feedback: Tori is too polarizing [and three miles of bad road to look at with all that botched plastic surgery], Jennie is middle-aged and depressing [not to mention just plain weird], and someone detected above-disturbing levels of sexual chemistry between Shannen and Jason.
On the Peach Pit set, the 90210 gang is discussing all the shitty feedback they received, when Christine enters the room and snarkishly says they should less concerned with the blistering comments from viewers than about creating buzz. A few seconds later, a horde of Beverly Hills, 90210 fans stream into the Peach Pit to squeal over their aging idols and pose with them for photos. Kyler sits at the counter and pouts yet again about her tiny role on the reboot, then fiddles with her phone and snarkishly tells Jennie she's busy trying out a meditation app that Shannen likes to use.
Tori, who's decked out in a triple layer of fashion awfulness that would have made Carrie Bradshaw blanch - a frilly white blouse underneath a pink corset with three large black bows sewn across the front - complains to Brian about how unappreciative of her her whiny little bitch of a husband is. Brian, in turn, complains that Shay doesn't appreciate him (not sure how he's concluded that) ... and then the two concur that they (Brian and Tori) appreciate each other.
Shannen arrives late to the fan horde event covered in blood, and explains that after witnessing the hit and run of a possum, she sprang out of her car to performance the necessary life-saving measures to prevent it from becoming roadkill. She notices Jennie's derisive eye rolling and sanctimoniously says, "All animals deserve rescuing" and Kyler shoots her mother the stink-eye while gazing admiringly at Shannen.
Brian confronts Zach about lying about him being his bio dad, and Zach stares back at him in bewildered shock and insists that his mom was a random extra on Beverly Hills, 90210. Brian snaps, "DNA results don't lie!" and Zach says that all he knows is that his mom has repeatedly claimed that he's his bio dad.
Nate drops off one of the kids for Tori to watch while he meets up with someone to discuss a potential book deal. Tori poutishly tells him she's disappointed that he's not staying at the fan horde event to be supportive of her, and he's all, "I couldn't give the tiniest of rat's asses 'bout that. Have fun looking after our brat."
Following the fan horde event, Christine tells the 90210 gang that whatever happens, she enjoyed working with them...then says there's currently only one more available slot on Fox - meaning that they're competing with The O.C. reboot. Good grief, network TV executives. Is no one capable of producing fresh, original content anymore? Christine says it doesn't look good for their show, and Brian sadly wonders aloud if this is the last time they'll all be together at "the Peach Pit". Fingers crossed, Bri. He then perks up and invites everyone to attend a barbecue at his place, where they can eat, drink, and sit around all morose-like.
Shay cheerfully tells Brian that the barbecue set-up is going swimmingly...and when he just frowns and grunts something unintelligible at her, she explains that the reason she hired a PI to look into Zach was her way of protecting her family. She then says she's growing tired of his nonsensically bitchy 'tude towards her, and stomps off.
While vacationing in the Caribbean, Camille tells Jason that their marriage has been sucky from the get-go, and that they should put an immediate end to this chemistry-free charade. She thanks him for trying as hard as he pretended to, and says she hopes she can remain his friend and publicist.
Brian tells Shannen he knows that continuing to snark at Shay is "shooting the messenger" - but insists that Zach deserves a father. Shannen smiles approvingly and replies, "Then be one" and urges him to follow his heart, regardless of biology...common sense, or logic.
Wyatt shows Jennie the JG tattoo he just got on his chest...and she reacts by freaking out and hastily fleeing the area.
Jennie guzzles a big glass of wine and tells Gabrielle about the initials Wyatt got tattooed on his chest. Gabrielle looks aghast and urges her to dump him asap - just as Fox announces that it's decided to pick up BH90210. They're all, "Hurray!" and raise their glasses in a toast.
Shannen is trying to meditate away her stress about flying to New York when the visual of Brenda and Brandon getting it on in Brenda's Walsh house bedroom pops into her head. She's all, "Ack!" and forces herself to visualize herself sitting in a pretty forest, chatting with a beautiful owl.
Upon arrival in New York, Gabrielle introduces her cuckolded husband to Christine, and he knowingly clucks, "Mmm hmm.." before nodding a polite hello at her.
Denise Richards shows up at the 90210 kick-off party, greets Ian Ziering, and congratulates him on helping resurrect Aaron Spelling's '90s masterpiece.
Brian tells Zach that the DNA results don't matter...and that until he figures out who his bio dad is, he's A-OK with being a father figure to him. Zach's like, "Er, OK" and hugs his new faux dad.
Nate tells Tori he's proud of her valiant efforts to continue riding on the coattails of her overplayed Beverly Hills, 90210 fame, then grumbles about how jealous he is and considers himself a big, dumb loser in the Successful Hollywood Man category. As well he should. Tori reminds him that she's doing all of this for them, then gives him a pity smooch.
Brian updates Jason on the Zach/Bio Dad Situation and shows him a photo of the random Beverly Hills, 90210 extra he slept with. Jason stares at the photo and suddenly contorts his face into a shocked expression...giving viewers the impression that Brian wasn't the only cast member who this extra rode the baloney pony with.
Ian and Denise Richards sneak upstairs to a vacant hotel room and tumble atop the bed. She recalls that playing Kelly's cousin during the Season 2 finale was one of her first acting jobs...and Ian murmurs, "Really? That's fascinating.." as they continue to get it on.
Gabrielle confesses to her husband that the Max Headroom chick she introduced him to earlier is the one she's been exploring her out-of-left-field lesbian urges with. He says he figured that out immediately, is less concerned about that than he'd be if she'd gotten boned by another man, but says he doesn't know how much longer he wants to deal with her sexual confusion.
Jason tells Jennie that he and Camille are calling it quits, and she says that she and Wyatt did the same. He remarks on how much work she is, and she purrs, "But I'm woooorth the effort" as the two stare hungrily at each other.
Denise Richards tells Ian she's glad they got together for an impromptu doink - just as Anna bounds over and gets introduced to him as Denise's daughter. Ick.
Tori, Jennie, and Shannen show up at the Fox kick-off event and stare at each other in horror when they realize they're all "coincidentally" dressed in red. Before that situation can quickly spiral into a superfluous cat fight, Christine sweeps into the room and announces that they're going to have to re-shoot the reboot pilot...and that since the network is strapped for cash, they'll have to film the thing in Canada - but with only six (not seven) members of the original cast. With that clusterfuckish turn of events looming over their heads, the befuddled rebooted 90210 cast is brought on stage and presented to the live New York audience.
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Recap: Kelly, Donna, and Brenda are on stage at the Peach Pit After Dark wearing short, tight black outfits. They introduce resident rock star David Silver (LOL), then wriggle their hips to his undanceable crooning - exactly like they did when Emily Valentine sang Breaking Up is Hard to Do during their Hello Day performance in Season 2. When a fire suddenly breaks out in the club, David heroically pulls off his shirt (mmm..) and manages to quickly slap down the flames. Kelly and Brenda thank him for his studly bravery, while Donna stares at him all seductive-like and starts tonguing him...and this prompts Brian to abruptly wake up in his 90210 trailer in sweaty horror.
We hear the audio of an entertainment news anchor, who excitedly reports all the drama currently unfolding on the 90210 reboot set:
The 90210 gals are in the hair and makeup trailer, gabbling about how nervous they are about Day 1 of filming. Tori says she's soooo freaked out about her love scene with Brian, but everyone just breezily tells her not to stress, this being Fox and not a raunchy HBO production, then laughingly adds, "It's just Brian."
Over at the food table, Brian apologizes to Zach for being incommunicado lately, then explains that he's still processing the shocking news that they're father and son...and is also figuring out the best way to break the news to Shay. He says it'd probably be too weird for both of them for him to remain his personal assistant, and offers to pull some strings to get him a production assistant job on the 90210 set.
In mid-canoodle, Wyatt suggests to Jennie that they go mini-putting later, and Jennie contorts her freakish duck lips before continuing to kiss him.
Ian assures Anna that her revamped script is totes awesome and that she deserves to share in the show's success. She beams happily and suggests they chill and watch Netflix sometime, and he says he likes the sound of that - just as he's summoned to the Peach Pit set, the only set that didn't get destroyed in the fire.
Christine barks "Clear the set!" at all the non-actors, and informs the 90210 gang that the show is getting shut down 'cause they can't convince any insurance company to insure the production while there's an active 90210 threat. She adds that the network's HR department is investigating disgruntled employees to see if one of them set the fire, then orders the gang to clean out their trailers by the end of the day.
Gabrielle asks Christine if she's been avoiding her ever since the two of them got it on at the end of the previous episode, but Christine explains she's just been busy with all the reboot chaos to give that doink a second thought. She then says that since she's a network executive who bedded a subordinate, she (Gabrielle) will need to sign a consent form, preferably one that's been backdated.
The 90210 gang vows to not give up on their superfluous reboot and to put their heads together to see if they can find out who's been stalking them and burning down their sets. They head over to a nearby restaurant and go over the long list of possible suspects.
Tori stumbles down a flight of stairs, then stares contemplatively into space for a few seconds before excitedly blurting out, "I know who the stalker is!"
The 90210 gang (sans Brandon) goes on a road trip two hours outside of Los Angeles and arrive at a bar where - ack! - a now bald Jaime Walters is on stage, throatily crooning How Do You Talk to an Angel?, OMFG. When Shannen's all, "Who is this bald crooner?", Brian explains that he played Donna's abusive boyfriend in Seasons 5 and 6 who got so enraged that he shoved her stunt double down a flight of stairs during the Season 5 finale. Tori says she's pretty sure he's the stalker - just as Jaime spots them in the crowd and lets out a funny sounding guffaw.
After the commercial break, Jaime ambles over and is all, "Whassup?" and they're like, "Whassup is that we all think you mailed each of us a mutilated doll version of ourselves and then set fire to the 90210 reboot sets." He stares back at them blankly and says he has no idea what in the hell they're talking about...and that playing Ray Pruit caused his acting and music career to fizzle, so he decided 'why not become a fireman?' He snarkishly adds, "I put out fires, I don't start them" and asks why they'd accuse him of arson and doll mutilation, so Tori says she came to the conclusion, without a scrap of evidence, that he was the culprit 'cause surely he'd want revenge, some twenty years later, for all the hate mail he got for abusing America's sweetheart. Jaime concurs that the role pretty much pooched his showbiz career...and Ian makes a face and snidely remarks, "You don't think it had something to do with that song?" Bwahaha! Jaime assures everyone that he's delighted with his life choice to become a fireman - just as Jason FaceTimes the gang to inform them that police have just arrested the firestarter.
Everyone rushes over to the nearest television set, where the entertainment news anchor is reporting that the chubby weirdo who bought Donna's poofy red dress and self-identified as a demented Beverly Hills, 90210 fan was just placed under arrest for setting the 90210 sets ablaze. Tori apologizes to Jaime for lobbing unfounded accusations against him just now, and he smirkingly says he has an idea how they can make it up to him. In the next scene, the 90210 gang joins him on stage so they can all sing horribly and out of tune together...and the dismayed audience exchanges WTF? glances about what they're being subjected to.
Back on the set!
Tori asks Jennie whassup with all the canoodling she's been doing with her bodyguard, and Jennie blushingly says she's having the time of her life and that the sex is sextacular. Tori says she's back to feeling nervous about having to film a love scene with Brian, not least 'cause he was her first, real life lover. Jennie points out that filming 90210 reboot scenes isn't real life, but rather fake...then tweaks Tori's surgically enhanced hooters and chirps, "Like these!" and rushes back inside her trailer. Fuck she's gotten weird.
Brian tells Zach he was a mere lad when he raw dogged it with his mom, a former extra on Beverly Hills, 90210. He tells Zach he can call him dad if he wants - but Zach makes an ick face and says he'd feel weird calling someone dad when he didn't actually raise him.
Gabrielle drops by Christine's office to tell her that while she doesn't regret the two of them hitting the sheets, she's still wringing her hands about not yet being ready to report it on a consent form. Just sign the damn thing, idiot.
Jason is attempting to direct the bedroom scene between Tori and Brian - but Tori gets all jittery about being bare-armed while laying under a large comforter, and complains about how the cameras aren't adequately capturing her good side. Jason assures her that all her sides look pretty much the same - but she decides she's waaaaaay too self-conscious to be in front of a camera today, flees the set wrapped up in the comforter, and says they're going to have to reschedule.
Over by the food table, Tori apologizes to Brian for fleeing their bedroom scene just now, but insists that she really wants it to be perfect. He's like, "Whatever, I don't care" and assures her that his recent mopeyiness has absolutely nothing to do with her. He then ambles over to where Shannen is sitting on the front steps of her trailer and collapses against her in a hug while Tori looks on jealously.
Inside Shannen's trailer, Brian tells Shannen about Zach being his son and that he's a big jerk for telling him he could call him dad. Shannen tells him not to beat himself up about it, and that he can tell people about his newly discovered son whenever the time is right.
Ian shows up for an after work drink date with Anna, and is irked to see that Jennie and Wyatt are also sitting at the table with their tongues down each other's throat. Ian gabbles about how supportive he is of Anna's fledgling writing career, and Jennie's all, "Hmm.." and continues contorting her freakish duck lips in what's become her usual puzzling fashion.
On the way to the restroom, Ian tells Jennie he loves seeing her acting so girlish and in love - but that he hopes she isn't falling back into her usual destructive patterns. She urges him to focus on his budding romance with the talentless writer he was butting heads with not that long ago, then gives him a hug and a kiss.
In the hair and makeup trailer, Tori is once again bellyaching about having to film her bedroom scene with Brian, so Gabrielle urges her to hire an intimacy coordinator so that there's someone to ensure that the boundaries are clear and that everyone is comfortable on set. Tori says she likes the idea, but is concerned that Jason won't be receptive to it...which leads to some bitching from Shannen and Jennie about what a shitty director Jason has been on the reboot thus far.
Jennie drops by Jason's office to tell him that everyone is feeling the negative energy he's putting out and that he needs to fix it asap...and Jason grumpily retorts that he's thinking seriously of leaving Camille 'cause he'd rather not raise another man's child. Jennie breezily tells him not to be dramatic, chides him for having such a "prehistoric" world view, then points out that Camille really really needs him right now.
Tori introduces Jason to Melanie, her intimacy coordinator. Jason glares at the short bespectacled woman, sourly refers to intimacy coordinating as "a time suck", then barks at Tori to get her ass to the bedroom set, where Brian is waiting.
During the bedroom scene filming, Melanie interrupts several times, and chides Brian for unwittingly brushing his hand against Tori's surgically enhanced hooters. After multiple interrupted takes, a fed up Tori shrieks, "I can't do this! It's like The Handmaid's Tale!" - and a weary Jason announces that they're breaking for lunch.
Anna bitches to Ian about all the unnecessary rewrites Jason is making her do...and Ian explains that Jason is extra grouchy 'cause he's having marital/'I'm not the baby daddy' problems. Anna gazes lovingly at Ian and says she really likes hanging out with him, leans in for a kiss, then informs him that before this chemistry-free hookup progresses any further, they're each going to need to sign a consent form.
Ian complains to his cast mates about having to sign a consent form before embarking on an ill-fated romance, and Gabrielle says she was just asked to sign one...and adds, as if anyone could possibly give a rat's ass, that her recent bedmate wasn't a he. Shannen flatly declares, "You're gay" and Gabrielle wails, "I don't know what I am!" LOL. Brian says he's so inspired by her half-hearted, 'maybe gay..?' declaration that he announces that Weirdo Zach is his biological son. Everyone's all, "Wha-a-a-a?", and Tori gives Zach a hug and tells him he's soooo lucky to have Brian as a dad.
Tori and Brian make a third and final attempt to film their bedroom scene...and when they get into some [fake] heavy action, Tori is delighted when the on-screen canoodling results in an unmistakable boner. Jason's like, "Cut!" and wryly adds, "Only forty-six more scenes to go." Yikes. Jennie sees a call coming through on Jason's cell phone, takes it upon herself to answer it, and urgently informs Jason that Camille is on her way to the hospital 'cause of some pregnancy complication. Jason beats a hasty retreat from the set...and Jennie stares wistfully after him even after Wyatt invites her out for dinner and a drive.
Gabrielle chit-chats with a man who tells her he's investigating the arson. After Gabrielle ambles off, the investigator spots Zach drop his water bottle in the trash...then carefully collects it afterward for what I'll assume is DNA evidence.
Shannen encounter's Tori's pet rooster, allows it to hop into the back seat of her car, then drives off with it. Not sure to where or why she'd abscond with it...or why the writers decided to end the episode with that, but OK.
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Recap: Ahn-drea arrives at the Peach Pit and finds Brenda, Kelly, and Donna sitting at a table together - looking as middle-aged as they are in 2019, but with the long poofy hairdos they wore in the early '90s. She nervously tells them she's here to see [about losing her virginity to] Brandon, and Emily Valentine appears out of nowhere decked out in Brandon's Peach Pit uniform. Brenda, Kelly, and Donna tut tut Ahn-drea about how she falsified her home address so she can attend West Beverly High, then taunt her to go back to where she came from: Van Nuys. The insult causes Ahn-drea to turn into the psycho girl from Prom Nightmare - a shout out to the nightmare she had during the Spring Dance episode - and maniacally wields a chainsaw while wailing, "You said you liked me!" A few seconds later, Gabrielle wakes up in a cold sweat...and the opening credits roll.
Gabrielle meets up with Christine, who complains that the script redo has been a nightmare, not least 'cause they're scheduled to start shooting the 90210 reboot in three days. Gabrielle says she'd much prefer to talk about personal stuff 'cause she's somehow assuming they're currently on their first date - and Christine gives her a funny look and says she assumed that this was more of a platonic get together. Bwahahaha! Gabrielle cries, "I'm sooooo embarrassed!" - bwahahaha! - and hurriedly gathers her stuff to rush out red-faced - just as Christine checks her phone and tells her that the social media response to last episode's 90210 reboot cast photo has somehow been overwhelmingly positive.
In the back of a limo, Brian is basking in the glow of his admirers gabbling on social media about how super hot he is (he did turn out surprisingly sexy, I'll give him that) - but Shay isn't listening 'cause she's just been informed that some nefarious person leaked her latest song before it had a chance to get properly auto-tuned and mixed...which, after hearing the raw version (yikes), is clearly a necessity. She tells Brian she can't imagine who could have leaked it, then says that since it was recorded in her home studio, it had to have been someone who works inside their household. Zach opens the limo door at that exact moment and suggests she talk to her stylist Joanna, who he spied milling around the studio late last night.
Kyler tells Jennie she's annoyed that TMZ is strongly insinuating that she got cast in the upcoming 90210 reboot 'cause of who her mom is - which...DUH - and Jennie (who's been doing really weird things with her strange duck lips in this series) breezily tells her to ignore the haters, 'cause apparently being mocked and resented for such overt nepotism is all part of being in showbiz. Wyatt informs Jennie that he's getting reassigned by Fox 'cause she hasn't had any stalking threats since the mutilated Kelly doll arrived in the mail, and both Jennie and Kyler look less than thrilled at the hottie's impending exit from their daily lives.
Jennie and Tori are running a casting session at Fox, gabbling about all the hate Kyler is facing for getting a role as Jennie's daughter in the reboot. Tori clucks sympathetically and says she can definitely relate to the criticism, having been accused of nepotism for 1) getting the role of Donna Martin, and 2) having the role quickly upgraded from supporting to principal - no doubt at the behest of her indulgent father - for ten wretched seasons.
Kyler enters the room for her audition, which turns out to be a lackluster embarrassment. Following her is Tilda, an actual actress who looks as though she spent more than a few seconds preparing for her reading. After Tilda's acting brilliance is painfully obvious to everyone in the room, Jennie moans, "Ooooh noooo.." and tells Tori she probably shouldn't have offered Kyler the role of her TV daughter before going through the proper casting process. Tori points out that she merely promised her a role, and reminds her that back in the '90s she had auditioned for the role of Kelly Taylor - but was thrown a bone when her dad's lackeys were forced to give her the role of Donna. She scrunches her big face contemplatively and says, "Maybe Kyler is a Donna..?"
After the casting session, Jennie tells Kyler she's soooo proud of her for existing - but that since there's an actress with actual acting abilities they really want to hire, they're going to give her the watered-down role of Tori's TV daughter. Kyler breathes a sigh of relief and says that that sounds like a much better arrangement, not least 'cause she thinks it'll be easier to work with Tori. A few seconds later, they arrive at Jennie's car and notice a large knife sticking out of one of the tires...and Wyatt appears from out of nowhere and glares suspiciously at it.
Ian is trying on wardrobe items for the reboot and is annoyed when one of the ensembles is a grimy looking overcoat and sloppy pants. He pompously tells Anna that dressing the son of the fashion icon that was Samantha Sanders (?) like a homeless man is tantamount to punishing the audience, who will surely revolt when they see their fave 90210 hottie looking so slovenly. Anna snarkishly retorts that she knows very well who Samantha Sanders is, then bitchily explains that she wrote an implausible subplot in the script where Steve gets a prominent movie role as an environmental apocalypse survivor. Hence the homeless man outfit...and despite the fact that for ten seasons on Beverly Hills, 90210, Steve Sanders never once expressed an interest in wanting to follow in his "fashion icon" mother's footsteps and become an actor. Ian sheepishly replies, "Oh OK. Well, that's useful information to have" and Anna gives him another tongue-lashing about something or other - my brain is starting to tune out her snarly bitchitude - before storming off. Brian, meanwhile, gets a call from Shay, who tells him that Joanna swore up and down that she didn't leak the terrible sounding pre-auto-tuned track - and that she suspects his weird new assistant Zach.
The cast (sans Shannen Doherty) gathers at Fox for the first table read...and everyone is in full agreement that Anna's script is even worse than the collective terribleness that was Seasons 5-10 of the original. Brian says he couldn't tell if the reboot was supposed to be a comedy or a drama (much like the BH90210 drivel we've been watching for the last three episodes), Jennie says she outright hates it, Kyler is mad that her character only has one line (as if she's in any position to be haughty), Gabrielle criticizes the general crappiness of the 'Surprise! Ahn-drea is suddenly gay storyline', and Jason bellyaches about all the scenes taking place in dark interiors, which will be a nightmare for him to film. Christine suggests they stop moaning and bitching and instead be part of the solution so the studio can stay on schedule and begin shooting in two days.
At the 90210 reboot kick-off party, which soon doubles as a working meeting, everyone simultaneously bitches to Anna about how awful her script is, and suggests she take note of their ideas and incorporate them into a new and improved script. When Anna's like, "Fuck this!" and stomps off, Christine admonishes the cast for continuing to alienate their shittastic head writer. Jennie haughtily informs her that they're refusing to show up for filming if the studio can't produce a decent script, and Christine nonsensically snaps, "Figure it out!" and threatens to fire and sue each of them for breach of contract.
Ian chases after Anna to explain that everyone's unusually bitchy 'cause of how nervous they all are about the reboot, and Anna snappishly retorts, "Write it yourselves!" and declares herself out. Ian stops her, hands her his car keys, and implores her to sit in the passenger seat and use the quiet ambiance of his luxury sports car to collect her thoughts and do her best to re-churn out a halfway decent script.
The cast mates read through Anna's script again, which leads to everyone sniping at each other. When Jennie accuses Gabrielle of bossily wanting to control everything the way she used to on the Beverly Hills, 90210 set, Gabrielle gets mad and storms off in a huff. Steve discreetly uses his phone to film the cattiness, then sends the footage to Anna in the hopes that she'll use it to conjure up some interesting storyline ideas.
Nate complains to Tori that this party-turned-working-meeting is soooo booooring and that he wants to go home. Jennie, meanwhile, apologizes to Gabrielle for calling her out on her control issues, and Gabrielle whimpers about how insecure she always felt around them 'cause of how much older she was than everyone else - as well she should have, considering she was a twenty-nine year old when some fool in the casting department hired her to play the role of a teenager. Steve films the "emotional" footage and forwards it to Anna, who finally looks inspired enough to start tapping away at her laptop.
Shannen Doherty makes a grand entrance, apologizing for her lateness due to a flight delay...which is a tad confusing, 'cause I thought she was in L.A. to stay once she made her grand entrance at Fox after jetting in from Peru at the end of the previous episode. Her cast mates tell her about the clusterfuckery they've been enduring in her absence: the script emergency, a crazy stalker on the loose, and Christine's threat to fire and sue them if they bail on the reboot. Shannen gets a wigged out look on her face, says she can't cope with all this stress, and beats a hasty retreat...leaving everyone staring after her in horrified puzzlement.
Tori, Jennie, and Gabrielle find Shannen meditating in a quiet space...and Shannen chides them for putting out so much negative energy, then says it's her new quest in life to only embark upon experiences that fill the soul. Jennie muses, "I doubt you'll be able to find that here" - LOL - and Shannen says she's going to have to think long and hard about whether or not she'll be willing to appear in any 90210 reboot. Tori reminds her that shooting begins tomorrow - but Shannen shushes her and says she "really can't rush the universe".
Jennie tries to cheer up a bummed looking Kyler by telling her she started out in showbiz with a tiny part on Growing Pains, then assures her that she too will land bigger, better roles than Tori's TV daughter. Judging from Kyler's earlier audition scene, I would call that highly optimistic. As the two hug it out, Kyler confesses to sticking a knife in her tire so that Wyatt wouldn't get reassigned - and Jennie looks aghast and tells her it was psychotic, deceitful, and manipulative...then decides it's the perfect quality combination to make it in showbiz.
Tori tells Brian that her big baby of a husband is being weird about the two of them having on-screen sex, then is surprised when Nate suddenly ambles over. He explains that he was on his way out when he ran into Shay, and had such a delightful conversation with her that he decided to stay after all. Joy.
Later, Tori tells Christine that Shannen may possibly bail on the 90210 reboot - and Christine lets out a caustic laugh and snaps, "Just fix it!" To invoke even more contrived drama, she reveals to Tori that Shannen's deal involved double the salary that everyone else negotiated, and Tori scrunches her big face in puzzlement and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?!"
Tori, Jennie, and Gabrielle return to Shannen's meditation space to implore her to reconsider appearing in the 90210 reboot. After blathering about all the emotional carnage the four of them regularly instigated during the filming of Seasons 1-4 of the original, Shannen decides she's kind of missed it and agrees to do the reboot - but only if someone fixes the script.
Gabrielle tells Christine that the script is really coming along, and Christine apologizes for the weirdness of their earlier date/non-date and acknowledges that she was putting out some pretty mixed signals. When Gabrielle wrings her hands about how the 'Surprise! Ahn-drea is suddenly gay' storyline is uncharted territory for her, Christine points out that exploring her lesbian leanings should be fun and exciting...then leans in for a smooch. Gabrielle pulls away and says she shouldn't get into any tongue action 'cause of how buzzed she is from all the drinking she's been doing tonight.
When Ian learns that Shannen's salary is double everyone else's, he sourly says they should all be making the same amount of money. Shannen defends her exclusive deal by explaining that she'll be donating her entire salary to a nonprofit that helps orphans in hot zones, then stares at them all as tearfully as possible until Jason rolls his eyes and snaps, "Fine - give it to the %$#@ orphans." Anna returns from Ian's car with copies of her newly revamped script, and the 90210 gang looks thoroughly intrigued.
After a read-through, the gang agrees that the new script is amaaaaazing and that it "finally feels right". Brian gets distracted by a distressed looking Shay on the phone, who just got word that Joanna was the one who leaked her pre-auto-tuned song. She then tells Brian she had hired a PI to look into the matter, along with the weirdness that is Zach...and the PI reported that Zach has a very strange, stalker-esque bulletin board in his apartment, along with his (Brian's) lost wallet. She wails, "Who is this guy?!"
Wyatt tells Jennie he's well aware that Kyler was the one who slashed her tire - but that he's A-OK with it 'cause it means he can stick around Garth manor for the time being. When he adds that he can't, in good conscience, get romantically involved with a client, Jennie says she'll ask Fox to reassign him.
Gabrielle drops in on Christine at her office, sits beside her, and gives her a passionate smooch. She explains that she suddenly realized life is short, and that some woman-on-woman action seems really right to her at this very moment. The two then get into some more intense smooching action.
Brian looks weirded out as he stares at Zach's bulletin board and asks what kind of sinister plan he had in mind. When Zach insists he merely wanted to get to know him better, Brian snarkishly calls him out for being a stalker and a thief. Zach quietly replies, "I'm your son", and Brian stares at him incredulously.
A few days later, the 90210 gang looks thrilled to jump into the filming of the reboot - but their joy is quickly squelched when they notice that the entrance to the Peach Pit set has been spray painted with Stop acting like I'm not even here...and when someone opens the door leading to the indoor part of the set, they're horrified to see that the entire thing is ablaze.
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Recap: Brandon is closing up the Peach Pit when Kelly sashays into the diner wearing a trench coat. She coquettishly tells Brandon she's in the mood for a midnight snack, then dramatically rips off her trench coat to reveal the slinky teddy she's wearing underneath. She and Brandon start going at it...and a few seconds later she's laying atop the counter as her belly grows visibly more pregnant. From the director's chair, Jason tells Brandon, "It's not your baby" - and a few seconds later, Jason wakes up in a cold sweat and stares contemplatively at the ceiling.
The next day, Camille arrives home from a business trip and finds Jason sitting in the living room, staring moodily into space. When he tells her about his infertility situation, Camille sheepishly admits to having unprotected sex with screenwriter Jack Carlisle...but kept mum about it 'cause she was keeping her fingers crossed that the baby was his (Jason's). Jason shoots her a look of disgust, tells her he'll be crashing at Gabrielle's until further notice, and storms out of the house.
Gabrielle has just told her husband about her out-of-left-field lesbian urges and dreamily adds that when she kissed the bartender in Vegas, "It was electric." She assures her visibly despondent husband that while she still loves him and considers him her best friend, she really really wants to risk throwing away their 30+ years of marriage to explore the possibly non-hetero side of herself. Her husband irritably tells her to go right ahead - but to go pee up a rope if she expects him to sit around pining for her.
Tori tells Nate she's off to Fox Studios to pitch the 90210 reboot, and Nate grumbles in advance about the long hours of filming it's going to entail and how it's going to have an adverse effect on their family unit. Tori chides him for being an unsupportive douchenozzle, snarks, "I'll try not to be too successful", then angrily flounces out of the house.
During the pitch meeting, Christine Elise shoots Tori a withering look of contempt due to the train wreck the 90210 reboot is shaping up to be and bitchily asks if she has the following, ridiculous set of details straight:
Backstage, the cast members are hashing over some storyline ideas and discussing the mutilated dolls they each received in the mail at the end of the previous episode. A bummed looking, hungover Ian arrives late and asks [who he assumes to be] a random female extra to please get him some coffee, and she shoots him a hateful stink-eye and snarks, "That's really not my job."When Ian tries to placate her by complimenting her pretty eyes, she haughtily introduces herself as Anna, a member of the writing team, then chides him for his sexist 'tude. Tori steers Jack Carlisle over and introduces him to the group as the show's head writer, and Jason's all, "The fuck..?" and calls him out for doinking/impregnating his wife. When Jack smugly explains that he took it upon himself to satisfy a woman who clearly wasn't getting satisfied at home, Ian punches him in the face...and the resulting brawl results in a lot of backstage stuff getting knocked over and a fire somehow breaking out. Cue the opening credits: da na na na, da na na na, cha cha..
Carol Potter is leading a group therapy session with the 90210 cast...and when everyone expresses how weird it is that she's now their shrink, she says that being on Beverly Hills, 90210 was a good training ground for her to become a licensed therapist - not least 'cause she has inside knowledge of their various personal issues. Gabrielle brings up the mutilated dolls, and Jennie says she's still pretty freaked out by that and is seriously thinking about hiring additional security...and then Jason somehow lets it slip that he boned Jennie in Vegas. Tori's all, "Wuh? Why didn't you tell me?" and Jennie says she kept it from her on account of how big her mouth is...and soon everyone's bickering with everyone. Jennie calls Jason a hypocrite and storms out, Gabrielle declares that she doesn't need therapy (despite group therapy being her idea), and Ian and Brian decide they too have had enough and head out. Carol tells Tori she feels good about "the baby steps" they've made here today...and also that she's open to a Cindy Walsh reappearance in the reboot.
Brian is interviewing SLB (whose name we finally learn is Zach) for the assistant job. Zach gushes about what a UGE Beverly Hills, 90210 fan he is and how awesome it'd be for him to do whatever grunt work and run whatever errands his TV idol wants. Brian gives him a WTF look and mutters, "You look familiar" - just as Shay arrives and looks miffed at Zach's insufficient level of enthusiasm at being in the presence of the [BH90210 universe's] most famous female rock star.
Jennie freaks out when she catches a strange hottie lurking around her property and decides 'why not leave the security of my house and weakly attack him with my pool skimmer?' The hottie easily overpowers her and introduces himself as Wyatt Jackson, her delicious new bodyguard.
When Brian tells Shay he wants to hire Zach as his assistant, she says there's definitely something off about the weirdo. Brian chuckles and accuses her of being annoyed that Zach didn't "geek out" over her, then texts Zach to inform him that - congratulations! - he got the job.
Gabrielle chats with Christine Elise about paving the way for a storyline about Ahn-drea's possible new life as a non-hetero...then admits she's only doing this 'cause of her real life curiosity. She grumbles about her husband's reaction to her sudden lesbian urges, then gets all angst-ridden about not knowing if she's full-on gay or simply bi. Christine urges her to "try to live it" and head to the nearest gay bar to plunge herself head first into some sexy research.
Ian apologizes to Anna, who continues to snark and snipe at him for daring to compliment the prettiness of her eyes. He whines about how much the world has changed while he's been out of commission as a married man, and she tells him to accept the fact that he's a sexist dickwad and let it go.
Tori FaceTimes with Nate - just as Brian can be seen in the background, emerging from a fitting room all shirtless and buff looking. Mmm hmm...
During a meeting with Jack Carlisle and Jason, Tori does her best to keep things civil as they banter about various story ideas. Jason suddenly decides 'no can do' and leaps up from his chair, snarks at Jack for knocking up his wife, then snappishly tells Tori, "It's either Jack or me!" before storming off.
Later, Tori moans to Nate about how harrrd producing is, and that she knows she's going to have to fire Jack in order to keep Jason on the project. Nate complains about Brian prancing around shirtless while they were FaceTiming earlier, and Tori perks up at his jealousy and reminds her husband that she and Brian dated for, like, five minutes over two decades ago. Nate's like, "Yeah, whatever" and demands that she commit to there being zero love scenes between her and Brian throughout the reboot. That's a lot to ask of David Silver, who's married to the most stunning cherub the world has ever known.
Tori drops by Gabrielle's house to plead with Jason to stay with the 90210 reboot, but Jason says he'll quit if Jack remains employed...and since he knows she's not capable of firing anyone, he called Fox himself to demand that they dump Jack asap. Tori's all, "Wha-a-a?" and chides him for making her feel completely undermined.
Shay gets thoroughly wigged out when her small daughter, Bryce, somehow makes it out the front door and toddles down the front walk, where she runs into Zach as he returns with Brian's dry cleaning.
At Fox Studios, Jennie apologizes to Tori for not telling her about getting boned by Jason, then mulls over the horror of possibly having feelings for the cad. Tori is summoned to Christine's office, where she's ordered to fire Jack Carlisle, and warned that if she can't get Shannen to sign up for the upcoming photo shoot and reboot, the entire project is likely to get shut down. Egads!
Tori psychs herself up to fire Jack, who pitches a blechy storyline idea about David getting it on with Mrs. Walsh [no doubt while Mr. Walsh watches, LOL]. Tori looks momentarily intrigued by the proposed insanity, then tells him that since he went ahead and doinked Camille, he's going to have to seek employment elsewhere. Jack amiably says he gets that it's part of being a producer - but then stalks off, his face contorted with anger.
When Brian gets wind of Bryce's near escape to the front walk of their house, on a secured property I can only assume is fully gated and monitored by security, Zach takes the blame and says he accidentally left the door's top lock open.
Jennie drops by Gabrielle's house to have a heart-to-heart with Jason. She points out that he could still be a father to Camille's baby, then urges him to confess his infidelity to his wife so he can't feel tempted to continue walking around acting like a sanctimonious assbag.
Brian tells Shay he wants to fire Zach - but Shay tells him not to 'cause it was she who left the top lock open, and that she's still so wrecked about it 'cause she's acting as if her daughter had tumbled onto a busy highway instead of making it five feet out the front door. Brian coos, "It was just a mistake" - just as he gets a call from Jason.
Brian meets Jason at a bar where Ian is self-medicating with hard liquor. Jason tells Ian they're going to take him home now, but Ian whines about not wanting to go to an empty house and declares himself an undateable ogre in the #metoo era.
Jennie is watching TV when she hears a noise outside. She grabs a heavy art object, calls out, "Bodyguard? Bodyguard?" and eventually runs into Wyatt. He tells her he was securing the perimeter, urges her to put her trust in his abilities, and asks if she was seriously referring to him as bodyguard just now.
Tori kisses her sleeping family goodbye as she tiptoes out of the house with a suitcase-on-wheels.
The next morning, Jennie tells Wyatt she finally got a good night's sleep 'cause she was secure in the knowledge that he was protecting the house. She flirtily invites him to hang with her now that he's off the clock, and he looks visibly smitten when she successfully recalls his name.
Jason returns home to confess to Camille that he hit the sheets with Jennie during Episode 1. Camille stares bewilderedly into space before quietly exiting the room.
Brian and Zach are discussing little Bryce's escape out the front door - %^$#! - and Zach explains that he took the blame for leaving the top lock open 'cause his mom was always messing up and feeling guilty about it. Brian thanks him and rewards him with his own set of keys so he can let himself in whenever he arrives at work.
Tori is riding on a rickety Peruvian bus, which stops in a remote village near the mountaintop where Shannen Doherty has been holing herself up. She proceeds to drag herself and her suitcase-on-wheels up a nearby mountain...and when she reaches the top, she finds a brunette meditating. She's all, "Shannnnnnen!" - just as the brunette turns around and reveals himself to be a long haired dude who I'll assume has been hanging out with Shannen for so long he decided to adopt the exact same hairstyle. A few seconds later, Shannen emerges from a hut and greets Tori, who tells her how desperately she needs rescuing so that the 90210 reboot doesn't get shut down. Shannen decides to let bygones be bygones after her humiliating firing at the end of Season 4 and agrees to fly to L.A.
Christine finds Gabrielle staring confusedly at her phone and asks her how her straight?/gay?/bi? research is coming along. Gabrielle tells her she downloaded a gay dating app, but has no idea how in blazes the thing works.
Jason tells Jennie he 'fessed up to Camille about their Vegas doink, while Anna informs Ian that after Jack's firing she's been promoted to head writer and intends to write hot and heavy sex scenes between David and Donna, which...ack. Gabrielle checks her dating app and sees that Christine has invited her out for a drink - and when she stares questioningly across the room at Christine, she's greeted with a wink. A few seconds later, Tori rushes in to announce that the gang is officially together again - just as Shannen Doherty saunters in wearing a Peruvian poncho and cowboy hat. Christine tells Tori she's surprised and impressed with her for managing to pull this off, and Tori applauds herself for being a kickass TV producer and smugly orders the photographer, "Let's do this!"
The gang gets ready to pose by laying down so their heads are all in a circle...and Shannen grins and declares to no one in particular how nice it is to be back.
Recap: Jennie Garth is having a nightmare about being back on the West Beverly Hills High set, playing Kelly Taylor. She runs past David Silver, who's blathering at the student body from the DJ booth, just as someone yells, "Kelly's dead!" ... and she wakes up in a cold sweat. In the next scene, Jennie is in the kitchen with her blonde daughter Kyler, telling her how freaked out she is by the notion of possibly rebooting a show that was sooo traumatizing to be on for ten seasons. Kyler rolls her eyes and points out that a) no one held a gun to her head and forced her to remain a cast member through the wretched episodes that compromised Seasons 5-10, and b) it can't have been that traumatic to be on a show that earned her zillions of dollars. Jennie argues that it was traumatic, and disputes that her earnings were in the zillions. Kyler's all, "Whatevs. It still sounds fun" then casually mentions that she has an audition later. Jennie's all, "Wha-a-a?" and reminds her about the 'no auditions' rule as long as she's a minor, but Kyler's like, "Whatevs. I'm still auditioning" ... and after she heads off to school, Jennie sifts through her mail and sees that her soon-to-be ex-husband has mailed her a petition for divorce.
Tori and Jennie are at Fox headquarters to pitch their superfluous 90210 reboot idea to two 90210-friendly executives. Tori plays the footage of her manic self during the previous episode when she shattered the glass enclosure so she could make off with the poofy red dress and tells the executives that while it wasn't her finest [or even a barely amusing] moment, she figured 'why not live-stream this contrived meltdown on Instagram?' and somehow attracted five million views in twenty-four hours, which she translates to mean that even the casual-est of Beverly Hills, 90210 viewers would probably be into seeing the cast together again on a [please let it be a limited] new series. The executives gush about how much they loooooove this idea and ask if the rest of the cast is on board...then assume that they all must be, 'cause why else would Tori and Jennie be at Fox headquarters, wasting their time pitching this nonsense. After Tori and Jennie stare bewilderedly into space for a few seconds, Tori promises to bring the entire cast into Fox for a meeting asap so they can flesh out the details.
The 90210 gang arrives at the courthouse to face the music for fleeing Vegas with the stolen red dress. They mug for fans on the way in - except for Gabrielle, who flashes everyone the middle finger. My sentiments exactly.
Inside the courtroom, the judge reads out the charges against them: larceny, destruction of property, public drunkenness, and public urination. Not sure who committed that last thing, but Jennie glares over at Jason Priestly and says she's pretty comfortable assuming he was the urinator. The judge tells them they should all be ashamed of their buffoonish behavior during the previous episode...but, that said, she's A-OK with taking the advice of the DA to drop all the charges. Tori springs up from her chair, chirps, "I object!", and insists that she acted alone and doesn't want anyone else to have to pay the price for her idiocy. The judge tells her to save her confession for the pending civil case, then explains that the owner of the poofy red dress (who's a creepy chubbo currently present in the courtoom and leering at Tori) is seeking 100K in damages and wants the dress returned unlaundered. She then sentences the 90210 gang to fifty hours of community service, which is nonsensical given that she had just declared she was dropping the charges, and Gabrielle snaps, "Thanks, Tori" as everyone grumpily exits the courtroom. In the courthouse lobby, Tori tells everyone she'd really like to make it up to them...and by make it up to them, she means she wants them to all agree to appear in a 90210 reboot. After staring at her incredulously for a few seconds, they burst out laughing 'cause they figure surely she's gotta be shittin' them, and the da na na na, da na na na, cha cha opening credits start to roll.
After the commercial break, Tori tells everyone that Fox has a serious interest in airing a 90210 reboot, which could translate to some serious cash for each of them...and when no one responds, she begs, "Pleeeeeease. I neeeed this." Jason nixes the idea and says he has zero desire to put on his old Peach Pit uniform, Gabrielle derisively says she's simply not interested in resurrecting the on-screen horrendousness that was Ahn-drea Zuckerman, and Ian says he's too busy trying to get proof that his wife has been sleeping around so he can extricate himself from paying her half his earnings when he springs a divorce on her. As everyone exits the building, Jennie shrugs and tells Tori it was always a long shot...and Tori dejectedly stares into space.
At home, Tori is sitting in front of a dollhouse model of the Peach Pit, using little doll versions of each cast member to strategize about how she's going to convince everyone to agree to the reboot. Not sure why she needs the visual of a dollhouse to do this, but OK. When Nate tells her how crazy he thinks the whole reboot idea is, she tells him she's mostly doing it to generate some much needed cash, not least 'cause she's just been sued for 100K. Nate shakes his head skeptically, refrains from offering to pitch in with paying the overdue bills by getting a damn job, and tells her she'll never be able to pull off a 90210 reboot.
Camille tells Jason she's thrilled that her pregnancy is giving her license to eat carbs - just as she gets a text from a guy who's lurking around outside. When she discreetly steps outside to confront him, he tells her he wants to make full use of her showbiz connections in exchange for continuing to keep her secret on the down-low...and I'm pretty sure we can assume that the "secret" is that it's not Jason's bun that's currently in her oven. Yawn.
Kyler tells Jennie she auditioned for the part of a drunk cheerleader and got the role, and Jennie's all, "Excuse me?" and grounds her for defying her 'no auditions' rule.
Brian is auditioning for a drama/comedy (he's not sure which) and is instantly given the part - but soon learns he only got it 'cause his wife promised the producers she'd provide her Grammy award winning music to play during the end credits of the film.
Tori tells Jennie she's getting frustrated that no one is returning her calls about the reboot. As Jennie watches her bustle around the kitchen, cooking and doing her usual mom multi-tasking, she gushes about her friend's amazing ability to take care of her insanely large brood of small children. Tori mulls that over for a few seconds, then looks as though she just got a brilliant idea and tells Jennie she knows exactly how she's going to get everyone to agree to do the show.
In the next scene, Tori meets up with Jason at a restaurant and promises that if he signs on, she'll talk to the network about letting him direct this sure-to-be spectacle. Jason perks up at that and looks intrigued.
Jason drops by Gabrielle's place to ask if she can please do something that will convince the Actor's Guild to let him resume his director jobs. Gabrielle tells him that while she's not willing to pull strings, she'll set up a mediation between him and the young actor he punched and hope something good comes of it. She then starts gabbling about how hard it sucks "being caught in the middle", and Jason assumes she's referring to his boning of Jennie in Vegas and sheepishly refers to it as "a drunken mistake". Gabrielle does her best to unhear that disturbing nugget and confesses to kissing a woman in Vegas and possibly enjoying it - but is bummed that, for obvious reasons, she can't discuss her sudden lesbian urges with her husband.
Shay is in a practice session with her backup dancers when Brian bursts in and demands to know if she pulled strings with the movie producer he just auditioned for in exchange for the rights to play her music during the end credits. She's like, "Well, d'yuh" and says she didn't think it was that big of a deal, then throws him a bone about how "talented and sexy" he is. Brian grumbles about feeling like a chump who needs his famous wife's help...and from a distance we see that the sad lonely boy (SLB) who had showed up at Brian's house at the end of the previous episode is lurking nearby, filming their argument with his phone. In the next scene, SLB stares at his bulletin board, which looks to be dedicated to chronicling everything Brian has been up to lately. This kid must really have a lot of time on his hands.
Jason dons a superhero outfit to film a fight scene with the young actor he punched in the face. After the director yells, "Cut!", the young actor kicks Jason in the balls...and as he lays writhing on the floor, Gabrielle rushes over to soothe his nuts with an ice pack. The nut cracking somehow prompts Jason to get on board with the 90210 reboot, and he calls Tori to give her the happy news. She then seats herself in front of her Peach Pit dollhouse and grins stupidly at the Brandon doll.
While strolling in the park together, Gabrielle tells Tori she could get into the idea of a 90210 reboot if the producers would be willing to push the envelop...and by push the envelop, she'd like it if she could use Ahn-drea as a vicarious means of exploring her sexuality. Tori blurts out, "Gay?!", then says she looooves the idea.
Over lunch, Ian tells Tori he managed to capture video footage of his wife cheating on him with various men...and since she broke the rules of their prenup, he's open to being in the reboot - but with one condition: he wants a lot of product placement for whatever crap he's peddling these days. Tori's like, "Deal!"
Later, Brian tells Tori he's not doing the movie anymore 'cause of how irked he is about Shay's meddling...and is agreeing to the reboot 'cause of how inspired he is by her (Tori's) relentless insistence on living in the past and reuniting the old gang.
Jennie tells Tori she's no longer agreeing to the reboot on account of she needs to spend her every waking moment keeping Kyler away from auditions and movie/TV sets. Sounds like a reasonable use of her time.
Brian makes a call to his secret best pal...who turns out to be - surprise! - Shannen Doherty...and she's - surprise! - on a California beach untangling a sea lion from some netting. Shannen tells Brian to go easy on Shay 'cause it seems like she was only pulling strings in an effort to kickstart his dormant acting career that everyone figured would peak then swiftly fizzle out once Beverly Hills, 90210 came to a merciful end. Brian thanks her for the much needed perspective, then mentions that Tori's been trying to reach her about the 90210 reboot. Shannen makes an ew face and snarks, "I have no time for that."
Jason drops by Jennie's house to tell her he heard that she dropped out of the reboot, then assumes it's 'cause they hit the sheets in Vegas. Jennie assures him it has nothing to do with him, but rather a desperate attempt to keep her daughter from making an underage foray into acting. Jason argues that she'd be better off supporting her daughter's dreams, then assures her that Kyler is gonna be aw' right 'cause she has the world's greatest mom. Jennie chews on that compliment as she stares contemplatively into space.
Jennie tells Tori she's back on for the reboot - but only if the producers would be willing to hire Kyler in a recurring role so she can keep her eye on her on set. The two then meet up with the rest of the 90210 gang to work off a few hours of their court-mandated community service, aka don orange city worker vests while they clean up trash in a local park. Tori tells everyone how happy she is that they've all agreed to do the reboot...then announces that she plans to take on the role of executive producer, and is allowing Ian a lot of latitude on product placement. Jason looks irked by that and says that as the show's director he didn't sign off on that...and this prompts a bickerfest between him and Ian. Tori tells them to shut it, and that they can all exploit the reboot to get whatever perks they want, e.g. Jennie getting her daughter cast in a supporting role. Ian's all, "The fuck?" and asks if they didn't all learn their lesson from the horrible nepotism that Aaron Spelling demonstrated by giving his talentless daughter what would inevitably become a major role on Beverly Hills, 90210 for ten seasons. Bwahaha! Gabrielle interjects and says the perk she most wants is for them to undergo group therapy...and everyone's all, "Wuh? Group therapy?" just as the paparazzi arrives and eggs the group on to mug and pose for the cameras.
The entire 90210 gang shows up at Fox for the reboot's first official pitch meeting...along with a surprise announcement from the two executives about the person they've hired as showrunner: Christine Elise (aka Emily Valentine). As Jason shifts uncomfortably in his chair [yes, we know you two hooked up in real life], Christine tells the group how much she loooooved the recent TMZ pics of them performing their community service, and thinks their collective neuroses will make for some awesomely bad TV.
Jennie tells Kyler she doesn't want to stand in the way of her acting dreams, so she arranged for her to get a recurring role on the 90210 reboot so she can hold her hand through the perils of acting on a "hit show" at a tender age.
Gabrielle and her husband are kicking back on the couch, enjoying a glass of wine and gushing about how much they love each other - even after thirty years of marriage. She turns to him and says all serious-like, "I have something to tell you" ... then announces that she's decided to do the 90210 reboot, during which "Ahn-drea" will look to delve into some action of the female-on-female variety. She adds that she wants to tell him why it's so important to her - but we're left hanging when the camera abruptly cuts to the street where Shay and Brian are strolling.
Shay apologizes to Brian for overstepping and hopes he isn't mad at her, and he assures her isn't 'cause he knows she was only trying to help. He then tells her how excited he is about the reboot and figures he's going to need to hire an assistant [no doubt to handle all the fan mail and movie offers that will suddenly be coming his way]. SLB, meanwhile, is watching from a nearby parked car with an inscrutable expression on his face.
Tori excitedly natters to Nate about how everything's coming together regarding the reboot, and that she's super passionate about it and would like his unwavering support as she embarks upon this venture. She stops nattering when she realizes he's been asleep on the couch during the entire scene.
Jason is chillin' in a nice restaurant when he gets a call from his doctor to report that he has fertility issues no one knew he had - but he has to put a pin in that subplot when the newly hired writer for the 90210 reboot comes over to introduce himself.
SLB types up his resume to apply for the job as Brian's assistant...and we see further proof of his derangement after he wanders off and reveals that pics of the 90210 cast members make up his computer wallpaper.
Brian receives a package that contains a David Silver doll, which looks to be a replica of the doll in Tori's Peach Pit dollhouse menagerie. Brian looks bemused when the head suddenly pops off...and the camera pans over to the other cast members, each of whom receives their own doll in various states of dismemberment, splotched with red paint, and (in Jason's case) filled with voodoo pins. They all look suitably perplexed and horrified.
Recap: Da na na na...da na na na...cha cha...
Hurray! The A-list 90210 gang - minus Luke Perry (RIP) - is together again...and by the looks of the show's sleek intro, everyone [mostly] looks as if they've held up pretty well since the original series finale.
We get a shot of pink stilettos that we soon see are attached to Donna Silver's feet as she breezes into the Peach Pit with David in tow...and Brandon is dressed in his Peach Pit uniform and waiting tables (what?) as he cheerfully greets Mr. and Mrs. Silver. He then chides Kelly, who's idly standing behind the counter, for being unwilling to get her hands dirty despite his warning to her when they bought the place that she might have to pitch in once in awhile and sling hash. Ahn-drea (blech) and Steve enter the diner...and Kelly serves Ahn-drea a hard-boiled egg, which Ahn-drea asks to exchange before she and Steve smile conspiratorially at each other and dissolve into giggles. I'm guessing this won't be the last time the reboot is going to rely heavily on the nostalgia factor, e.g. this not-so-subtle shout-out to Season 2's U4EA episode. David peruses the menu and remarks to Donna that Brenda had asked him to order her a slice of pie, and Donna scrunches her big face perplexedly and murmurs, "Wuh? I thought she went to 'London' after her Season 4 firing." The lighting in the diner suddenly goes all wonky as smoke starts pouring in through the front door...and as Donna starts screaming, the noise gets blended in with Tori Spelling's screams from her coach seat on a flight bound for Las Vegas, where she and a very well-tended looking Jennie Garth are headed to for the 30th year reunion of Beverly Hills, 90210. [Holy crap, it's hard to fathom that that show premiered so long ago.] Jennie covers Tori's mouth and tells her to shut it...and when Tori's brain recombobulates, she snaps a selfie for her Instagram feed and says she hopes it'll help keep her fans interested enough in her life to tune into a future installment of her reality show, given how broke she is after burning through ten years' worth of Beverly Hills, 90210 earnings.
We get a flashback from six days prior, where Tori is hanging in the kitchen with her deadbeat actor wannabe husband, Nate, and their six children. As she wrings her hands about all the unpaid bills that are stacking up, the camera pans out...and we see that her financial woes are fodder for their reality show titled Tori and Nate: Spelling the Beans. As that's happening, some guy on the crew gets a call informing him that the network has just cancelled the show, 'cause apparently the network brass came to the inevitable conclusion that there's nothing more that could be filmed that is likely to be of any interest to even the most ardent of Tori Spelling fans.
Tori tells Jennie she plans to peddle her reality show to another network, and Jennie scrunches her face in puzzlement and asks why in blazes Nate doesn't consider getting himself a job.
Brian Austin Green is on a private plane, also bound for Las Vegas, and he's Face-timing with his wife Shay, a super famous recording star. Brian whines about having to attend the dumb reunion, but Shay assures him he'll have a good time with his '90s pals, and that she's A-OK with looking after their three young daughters while he takes a well-deserved break from his house-husband duties.
Ian Ziering packs up boxes of the new book he and his hot wife Stacey just co-wrote - Holly-wed Workout - while she posts about it on social media. In a flashback from four days earlier, Stacey tells Ian she won't be able to make the reunion 'cause she's auditioning for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - a show it doesn't look like she'd have any problem fitting in with - and Ian congratulates her and wishes her luck.
Gabrielle Carteris is on a bus, staring at photos of her new granddaughter on her phone...and in a flashback, she tells her son/daughter-in-law (or maybe it's her daughter/son-in-law) that since she's so wigged out by the notion of being a grandmother, she'd prefer it if the little gaffer called her Gabby instead of Gramma. The new parents nix that idea 'cause of how confusing it would get, given that they're naming the tot Gabrielle...and Gramma looks touched and gets teary-eyed. Back in present day, Gabrielle gets a call from the Actor's Guild of America (of which she's president), and is visibly annoyed when it's regarding a complaint about a director with anger management issues, who - spoiler - turns out to be Jason Priestly.
Jason is laying on his bed, despondently staring at the ceiling as Camille, his wife/publicist, does her best to spin an altercation he recently had on a movie set. In a five days earlier flashback, Jason interrupts the filming of a scene in his Indie flick to give acting tips to an arrogant young movie star, who doesn't take kindly to getting advice from a middle-aged flunky who can never hope to shake the stain of playing a sanctimonious assbag for nearly a decade. Jason stares back at him hatefully for a few seconds, then retorts by punching him in the face. Back at the mansion, Camille warns Jason that no one's going to want to hire an angry director and urges him to use this weekend's 90210 reunion as an opportunity to remind people that he was once America's Golden Boy.
As Tori and Jennie get ready to de-plane, Jennie begs Tori to keep mum about her imminent divorce 'cause of how embarrassing it is that she's now going to have three failed marriages under her belt. Tori dismissively calls Mark an idiot for leaving her...and we get a nine days earlier flashback showing Jennie tossing her husband's golf clubs into the pool from a second story balcony while her teenage daughter suggests she just use the nearest garbage can. Jennie tells Tori she has zero desire to be around swarms of 90210 fans this weekend, but Tori assures her it'll all be fine, then points out the silver lining: Shannen Doherty won't be at the reunion.
Tori and Jennie arrive at the hotel that's hosting the 90210 reunion, and the lobby is filled with t-shirt vendors and life-sized cardboard cutouts of all the cast members. Jennie approaches the hotel clerk to check her and Tori in...and when he asks what name the reservation is under, she stares back at him in incredulity and haughtily says she's Jennie Garth, as in the actress who played Kelly Taylor on the show that this hotel is currently hosting a reunion for. The clerk squints at her for a few seconds, stares at the poster behind her, and needlessly remarks on how much older she looks now. She somehow refrains from smacking him as Tori pulls her aside and tells her how nervous she is about seeing Brian Austin Green again, then "reveals" that she lost her virginity to him both on and off camera. Over the next several minutes, the cast members (minus Shannen Doherty) arrive, assemble themselves in the lobby, and stand around staring at each other with dazed, 'we must all be really hard up for cash to have agreed to this reboot' expressions while the scene fades out for a commercial break.
Jason Priestly remarks on how surreal it is for them to all be in the same room again, and Gabrielle says she looooves that the reunion brought them all here. Jason stares forlornly into space and says, "I wish that were true" and everyone pauses for a few seconds to let the sadness of Luke Perry's untimely passing sink in. Gabrielle tells Jason she heard about him punching an actor on set, while Brian gives Tori a platonic 'hey, how're you doing?' arm pat. A miffed Tori pulls Jennie aside and complains, "That's all I get after twenty years?"
Brian tells Tori he's worried about looking stupid during the reunion panel discussion, so Tori reminds him about the stress easing ritual they always did before filming their more nerve-wracking 90210 scenes: breathe into their hands, then rub their palms together for good luck.
During the panel discussion, a woman who identifies herself as an Ahn-drea fan (I continue to be skeptical that such people exist) asks Gabrielle how much she liked playing a sanctimonious tool for five seasons...and Gabrielle spews some nonsense about how "strong, intelligent, and true to herself" Ahn-drea was. After that, Brian is asked whaddup with Shay's new album, and he says he doesn't involve himself in his superstar wife's career - but would be happy to answer any non-Shay related questions. A lonely looking young man who identifies himself as a David Silver level dork asks Brian if he continues to feel like an outsider even though he's now middle-aged...and Brian breezily chirps, "Sure!" and jokingly says it's mostly 'cause he lives with his wife and three daughters. Ian, meanwhile, plugs his new fitness book and urges everyone to include the tags #sweattogether and #gettogether whenever they tweet about his awesomeness. A Kelly Taylor fan puts her sad face on and expresses to Jennie how sorrrrry she is to hear about her third divorce...and as Jennie stares despondently into space, Tori jumps in and urges the audience to direct any and all personal questions to her, since she considers no tidbit too private to be publicly dissected, gossiped about, and splashed across the covers of every seedy tabloid rag in existence. The moderator asks the gang if they've heard from Shannen Doherty lately, then announces that - surprise! - she'll be live-streaming from Jaipur (India) three seconds from now...and suddenly Shannen's head appears on a giant screen behind them. The castmates exchange uncomfortable glances as the scene fades out for another commercial break.
Shannen shows the audience the baby tiger she's currently bottle feeding, then talks about the international animal rights organization she's been heading up. As the rest of the 90210 gang rolls their eyes in annoyance, the audience oohs and awws and gives her a standing ovation.
After the panel discussion, Jennie rails about how annoying it is that her third marriage is ending at the same time St. Shannen is changing the world. She says she really really wants to leave Vegas asap, and Brian says he can have his [wife's] private plane ready to fly them out in four hours. Jennie perks up at that and suggests they spend the next four hours getting as hammered as possible.
Inside a spacious cabana by the hotel pool, Gabrielle shows her castmates photos of her new granddaughter...and she's followed by Donna, who shows everyone photos of her large brood. Jason says he never had kids 'cause he's too busy directing, and Ian says that life with his trophy wife is totes awesome, but that she has zero desire to get pregnant 'cause she prefers to focus on her pretend acting career. Jennie quickly bores of the conversation and stumbles out of the cabana to get herself another drink. Her mood improves when she spots a hot guy sunning himself on a floatie and wanders over to say hey...and when Tori interrupts their flirty banter and tries to get her to come back to the cabana, Jennie says to leave her be 'cause she's hankering for a meaningless roll in the hay.
Tori Face-times Nate, who tells her he turned down a job as a local network affiliate 'cause he's somehow deluded himself into believing he's destined for "the big leagues". Tori scrunches her face in disappointment and refrains from reminding the idiot freeloader about the dismal state of their finances. After that, she runs into Brian and suggests they do shots at the nearest bar.
Gabrielle sits at a different bar, which is being tended by the Ahn-drea fan from the panel discussion. The bartender introduces herself as Theresa, makes Gabrielle a pretty looking drink, and asks her if she ever wished Ahn-drea had been allowed to come out of the closet...and if so, have those types of urges ever spilled over in her personal life?
Jason gets a text from his wife, applauding his performance during the panel discussion. When he texts back I miss you, she remains businesslike and tells him to keep the positive publicity spin machine going. He bitterly mutters, "I love you too, honey."
The pool hunk suggests to Jennie that they go somewhere private to indulge in a sexy romp, then stares up at her with a dreamy expression and refers to her as Kelly. Jennie looks irked, snaps that she's Jennie, and storms off.
Jennie ends up at the bar where Jason is mopishly drinking and seats herself beside him. She moans about how people think she's Kelly Taylor and have no idea who she really is, and Jason assures her that he knows who she is and that he "really sees" her. In the next scene, the two are in his hotel room, stripping off their clothes and going at it atop the bed.
After the commercial break, Jason and Jennie are laying on their backs looking dazed. Jennie snarks, "Kill me now", and Jason chides her for the insult and says there's probably plenty of people who would be more than happy to hit the sheets with him. Jennie jumps out of bed, bitches about how everyone considers him America's sweetheart no matter how badly he screws up, then hurriedly gets dressed and reminds him that their plane will be taking off soon.
Tori and Brian are finishing up their shots...and Tori mutters, "Thank God" when Brian offers to pick up the check. He shakes his head and says it defies explanation how broke she is, given that it was her dad who created the show that made them all rich and famous...and instead of addressing this mystifying turn of events, Tori gets so enraged by the sight of a woman carrying a dog that's wearing a Donna Martin t-shirt that she runs out of the bar after the woman, demands compensation, and threatens to sue her and her little dog. She then looks up to the hotel's mezzanine level and spots the poofy red dress she wore during Season 1's Spring Dance episode and proceeds to bully her castmates into smashing the glass booth it's currently protected by so she can snatch it and abscond with it. I fear there's something not quite right in the head of Reboot Tori Spelling.
Gabrielle and Theresa are chuckling about how badly Theresa wants her to be a lesbian in real life...and the two lean in and indulge in a female-on-female smooch that would surely have been frowned upon in the early '90s.
Tori hands her phone to a bystander (the lonely looking kid who had asked Brian about being an outsider during the panel discussion) and barks at him to film her so she can live-stream [and provide for the police video evidence of] herself as she smashes her way through the glass booth and grabs the poofy red dress. As chaos ensues, Brian looks panicked and cries, "I lost my wallet!" just as security guards lumber over in response to the alarm that Tori has just set off. The 90210 gang flees the scene...and on his way out, Ian decides to steal his life-sized cardboard cutout, 'cause at this point in the episode, why the hell not?
Aboard Brian's [wife's] private plane, Tori puts on industrial grade spanx and squeezes herself into the poofy red dress. When she emerges from the bathroom, she gushes about how happy she is about getting "their" dress back, and explains to her bemused castmates that it symbolizes what they created together. She toasts them, along with the late Luke Perry, and everyone sips champagne while staring sadly into space. When Ian excuses himself to go to the bathroom, his wife accidentally Face-times him while she's getting it on with another man, which...awkward. As the 90210 gang stares at the phone in morbid fascination, Ian returns from the bathroom, looks aghast at what his wife is up to while he's away, then snarks about not wanting anyone's pity. He changes the subject to Tori's squandering of her Beverly Hills, 90210 fortune [which...yes, was monumentally stupid - but this is now the third time the show has brought it up] and Jennie "defends" her by saying that Tori's lack of life skills can be likened to "letting a zoo animal out into the wild". Bwahahaha! True enough.
When the 90210 gang lands in whatever city they've jetted to, they're promptly arrested for grand larceny and destruction of private property.
Ian who I'll assume got bailed out the next morning, kisses his slutty wife hello and asks her how the Real Housewives audition went. She vaguely says it was exhausting, and then wanders off...and Ian stares after her with a mournful expression, then turns his attention back to his computer and continues to peck away at the prenuptial agreement he has open.
Gabrielle sheepishly tells her husband she did something new this weekend...then chickens out of confessing the female-on-female kiss she had and says the new thing she did was spend the night in the clink.
Jason stares morosely into space as he tells his wife he needs to tell her something...and she's like, "Me too. I'm pregnant!" Jason silently chews on that for a few seconds, then decides he'll accept it as good news.
Brian is so buoyed by all the positive coverage he's been getting on social media as a result of the arrest that he calls his agent to tell him he's ready to jump back into the acting world. The camera then pans across the exterior of his mansion and over to the main gate, where the lonely looking kid who had asked Brian about being an outsider during the panel discussion is standing with Brian's wallet in his hands. It remains unclear if he's a creepy stalker, or a Good Samaritan who's merely returning a lost wallet.
Tori and Nate are lamenting their debt problems, and Nate just shrugs and says they'll figure it all out...and by they'll, he means her. Jennie drops by to apologize to Tori for sassing her on the plane...and after the two hug it out, Tori asks her for advice on what to do about her cancelled reality show. Jennie derisively says to pull the plug 'cause reality shows are a waste of time - but Tori is no longer listening, 'cause she's too transfixed by the TV, which is airing The Green Room episode. She looks as though a brilliant idea suddenly penetrated her brain and says they should do a 90210 reboot, but Jennie makes an ew face and goes, "Have you lost your mind?"
Shannen Doherty packs her bags and leaves her luxury tent with a plane ticket that indicates destination: Los Angeles.
Jennie reminds Tori that they "can't go home again" - but Tori's like, "Sure we can!" ... and the two stare at the TV, which just happens to features a scene that marks the genesis of the friendship between Dylan and Brandon.