BH90210 - Episode 1

"Let's reminisce about all the fun times my dad's scripts blue-balled David's attempts to premaritally nail Donna."

"The Reunion"
Original airdate: 8/7/2019

Episode summary: The 90210 gang convenes in Las Vegas for a reunion, where Tori Spelling's brain goes all wiener.

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Recap: Da na na na...da na na na...cha cha... 

Hurray! The A-list 90210 gang - minus Luke Perry (RIP) - is together again...and by the looks of the show's sleek intro, everyone [mostly] looks as if they've held up pretty well since the original series finale.

We get a shot of pink stilettos that we soon see are attached to Donna Silver's feet as she breezes into the Peach Pit with David in tow...and Brandon is dressed in his Peach Pit uniform and waiting tables (what?) as he cheerfully greets Mr. and Mrs. Silver. He then chides Kelly, who's idly standing behind the counter, for being unwilling to get her hands dirty despite his warning to her when they bought the place that she might have to pitch in once in awhile and sling hash. Ahn-drea (blech) and Steve enter the diner...and Kelly serves Ahn-drea a hard-boiled egg, which Ahn-drea asks to exchange before she and Steve smile conspiratorially at each other and dissolve into giggles. I'm guessing this won't be the last time the reboot is going to rely heavily on the nostalgia factor, e.g. this not-so-subtle shout-out to Season 2's U4EA episode. David peruses the menu and remarks to Donna that Brenda had asked him to order her a slice of pie, and Donna scrunches her big face perplexedly and murmurs, "Wuh? I thought she went to 'London' after her Season 4 firing." The lighting in the diner suddenly goes all wonky as smoke starts pouring in through the front door...and as Donna starts screaming, the noise gets blended in with Tori Spelling's screams from her coach seat on a flight bound for Las Vegas, where she and a very well-tended looking Jennie Garth are headed to for the 30th year reunion of Beverly Hills, 90210. [Holy crap, it's hard to fathom that that show premiered so long ago.] Jennie covers Tori's mouth and tells her to shut it...and when Tori's brain recombobulates, she snaps a selfie for her Instagram feed and says she hopes it'll help keep her fans interested enough in her life to tune into a future installment of her reality show, given how broke she is after burning through ten years' worth of Beverly Hills, 90210 earnings. 

We get a flashback from six days prior, where Tori is hanging in the kitchen with her deadbeat actor wannabe husband, Nate, and their six children. As she wrings her hands about all the unpaid bills that are stacking up, the camera pans out...and we see that her financial woes are fodder for their reality show titled Tori and Nate: Spelling the Beans. As that's happening, some guy on the crew gets a call informing him that the network has just cancelled the show, 'cause apparently the network brass came to the inevitable conclusion that there's nothing more that could be filmed that is likely to be of any interest to even the most ardent of Tori Spelling fans.

Tori tells Jennie she plans to peddle her reality show to another network, and Jennie scrunches her face in puzzlement and asks why in blazes Nate doesn't consider getting himself a job.

"The network just cancelled your show, so we're wrapping up filming, effective this instant."

"Do you know if Netflix is hiring?"

Brian Austin Green is on a private plane, also bound for Las Vegas, and he's Face-timing with his wife Shay, a super famous recording star. Brian whines about having to attend the dumb reunion, but Shay assures him he'll have a good time with his '90s pals, and that she's A-OK with looking after their three young daughters while he takes a well-deserved break from his house-husband duties. 

Ian Ziering packs up boxes of the new book he and his hot wife Stacey just co-wrote - Holly-wed Workout - while she posts about it on social media. In a flashback from four days earlier, Stacey tells Ian she won't be able to make the reunion 'cause she's auditioning for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - a show it doesn't look like she'd have any problem fitting in with - and Ian congratulates her and wishes her luck.
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Gabrielle Carteris is on a bus, staring at photos of her new granddaughter on her phone...and in a flashback, she tells her son/daughter-in-law (or maybe it's her daughter/son-in-law) that since she's so wigged out by the notion of being a grandmother, she'd prefer it if the little gaffer called her Gabby instead of Gramma. The new parents nix that idea 'cause of how confusing it would get, given that they're naming the tot Gabrielle...and Gramma looks touched and gets teary-eyed. Back in present day, Gabrielle gets a call from the Actor's Guild of America (of which she's president), and is visibly annoyed when it's regarding a complaint about a director with anger management issues, who - spoiler - turns out to be Jason Priestly.

Jason is laying on his bed, despondently staring at the ceiling as Camille, his wife/publicist, does her best to spin an altercation he recently had on a movie set. In a five days earlier flashback, Jason interrupts the filming of a scene in his Indie flick to give acting tips to an arrogant young movie star, who doesn't take kindly to getting advice from a middle-aged flunky who can never hope to shake the stain of playing a sanctimonious assbag for nearly a decade. Jason stares back at him hatefully for a few seconds, then retorts by punching him in the face. Back at the mansion, Camille warns Jason that no one's going to want to hire an angry director and urges him to use this weekend's 90210 reunion as an opportunity to remind people that he was once America's Golden Boy. 

"I can't take acting advice from a '90s relic who stayed on a stagnant show for nine seasons."

"It was eight seasons plus five episodes!!"

As Tori and Jennie get ready to de-plane, Jennie begs Tori to keep mum about her imminent divorce 'cause of how embarrassing it is that she's now going to have three failed marriages under her belt. Tori dismissively calls Mark an idiot for leaving her...and we get a nine days earlier flashback showing Jennie tossing her husband's golf clubs into the pool from a second story balcony while her teenage daughter suggests she just use the nearest garbage can. Jennie tells Tori she has zero desire to be around swarms of 90210 fans this weekend, but Tori assures her it'll all be fine, then points out the silver lining: Shannen Doherty won't be at the reunion.

Tori and Jennie arrive at the hotel that's hosting the 90210 reunion, and the lobby is filled with t-shirt vendors and life-sized cardboard cutouts of all the cast members. Jennie approaches the hotel clerk to check her and Tori in...and when he asks what name the reservation is under, she stares back at him in incredulity and haughtily says she's Jennie Garth, as in the actress who played Kelly Taylor on the show that this hotel is currently hosting a reunion for. The clerk squints at her for a few seconds, stares at the poster behind her, and needlessly remarks on how much older she looks now. She somehow refrains from smacking him as Tori pulls her aside and tells her how nervous she is about seeing Brian Austin Green again, then "reveals" that she lost her virginity to him both on and off camera. Over the next several minutes, the cast members (minus Shannen Doherty) arrive, assemble themselves in the lobby, and stand around staring at each other with dazed, 'we must all be really hard up for cash to have agreed to this reboot' expressions while the scene fades out for a commercial break.

​Jason Priestly remarks on how surreal it is for them to all be in the same room again, and Gabrielle says she looooves that the reunion brought them all here. Jason stares forlornly into space and says, "I wish that were true" and everyone pauses for a few seconds to let the sadness of Luke Perry's untimely passing sink in. Gabrielle tells Jason she heard about him punching an actor on set, while Brian gives Tori a platonic 'hey, how're you doing?' arm pat. A miffed Tori pulls Jennie aside and complains, "That's all I get after twenty years?" 

Brian  tells Tori he's worried about looking stupid during the reunion panel discussion, so Tori reminds him about the stress easing ritual they always did before filming their more nerve-wracking 90210 scenes: breathe into their hands, then rub their palms together for good luck.

During the panel discussion, a woman who identifies herself as an Ahn-drea fan (I continue to be skeptical that such people exist) asks Gabrielle how much she liked playing a sanctimonious tool for five seasons...and Gabrielle spews some nonsense about how "strong, intelligent, and true to herself" Ahn-drea was. After that, Brian is asked whaddup with Shay's new album, and he says he doesn't involve himself in his superstar wife's career - but would be happy to answer any non-Shay related questions. A lonely looking young man who identifies himself as a David Silver level dork asks Brian if he continues to feel like an outsider even though he's now middle-aged...and Brian breezily chirps, "Sure!" and jokingly says it's mostly 'cause he lives with his wife and three daughters.  Ian, meanwhile, plugs his new fitness book and urges everyone to include the tags #sweattogether and #gettogether whenever they tweet about his awesomeness. A Kelly Taylor fan puts her sad face on and expresses to Jennie how sorrrrry she is to hear about her third divorce...and as Jennie stares despondently into space, Tori jumps in and urges the audience to direct any and all personal questions to her, since she considers no tidbit too private to be publicly dissected, gossiped about, and splashed across the covers of every seedy tabloid rag in existence. The moderator asks the gang if they've heard from Shannen Doherty lately, then announces that - surprise! - she'll be live-streaming from Jaipur (India) three seconds from now...and suddenly Shannen's head appears on a giant screen behind them. The castmates exchange uncomfortable glances as the scene fades out for another commercial break.

"What did you like best about playing my teenage idol, Ahn-drea Zuckerman?"

"Nothing. Ahn-drea was an obnoxious, self-important blowhard who wouldn't have had a friend in the world if she were a real person. In my real life, I've always aspired to be the exact opposite of her."

Shannen shows the audience the baby tiger she's currently bottle feeding, then talks about the international animal rights organization she's been heading up. As the rest of the 90210 gang rolls their eyes in annoyance, the audience oohs and awws and gives her a standing ovation.

After the panel discussion, Jennie rails about how annoying it is that her third marriage is ending at the same time St. Shannen is changing the world. She says she really really wants to leave Vegas asap, and Brian says he can have his [wife's] private plane ready to fly them out in four hours. Jennie perks up at that and suggests they spend the next four hours getting as hammered as possible.

Inside a spacious cabana by the hotel pool, Gabrielle shows her castmates photos of her new granddaughter...and she's followed by Donna, who shows everyone photos of her large brood. Jason says he never had kids 'cause he's too busy directing, and Ian says that life with his trophy wife is totes awesome, but that she has zero desire to get pregnant 'cause she prefers to focus on her pretend acting career. Jennie quickly bores of the conversation and stumbles out of the cabana to get herself another drink. Her mood improves when she spots a hot guy sunning himself on a floatie and wanders over to say hey...and when Tori interrupts their flirty banter and tries to get her to come back to the cabana, Jennie says to leave her be 'cause she's hankering for a meaningless roll in the hay.  

Tori Face-times Nate, who tells her he turned down a job as a local network affiliate 'cause he's somehow deluded himself into believing he's destined for "the big leagues". Tori scrunches her face in disappointment and refrains from reminding the idiot freeloader about the dismal state of their finances. After that, she runs into Brian and suggests they do shots at the nearest bar. 
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Gabrielle sits at a different bar, which is being tended by the Ahn-drea fan from the panel discussion. The bartender introduces herself as Theresa, makes Gabrielle a pretty looking drink, and asks her if she ever wished Ahn-drea had been allowed to come out of the closet...and if so, have those types of urges ever spilled over in her personal life?

Jason gets a text from his wife, applauding his performance during the panel discussion. When he texts back I miss you, she remains businesslike and tells him to keep the positive publicity spin machine going. He bitterly mutters, "I love you too, honey."

The pool hunk suggests to Jennie that they go somewhere private to indulge in a sexy romp, then stares up at her with a dreamy expression and refers to her as Kelly. Jennie looks irked, snaps that she's Jennie, and storms off.

"I've always fantasized about hitting the sheets with my dream girl, Kelly Taylor."

"Sorry, but I prefer a strong dose of reality whenever I have a one night stand with a sexy stranger."

Jennie ends up at the bar where Jason is mopishly drinking and seats herself beside him. She moans about how people think she's Kelly Taylor and have no idea who she really is, and Jason assures her that he knows who she is and that he "really sees" her. In the next scene, the two are in his hotel room, stripping off their clothes and going at it atop the bed.

After the commercial break, Jason and Jennie are laying on their backs looking dazed. Jennie snarks, "Kill me now", and Jason chides her for the insult and says there's probably plenty of people who would be more than happy to hit the sheets with him. Jennie jumps out of bed, bitches about how everyone considers him America's sweetheart no matter how badly he screws up, then hurriedly gets dressed and reminds him that their plane will be taking off soon.

Tori and Brian are finishing up their shots...and Tori mutters, "Thank God" when Brian offers to pick up the check. He shakes his head and says it defies explanation how broke she is, given that it was her dad who created the show that made them all rich and famous...and instead of addressing this mystifying turn of events, Tori gets so enraged by the sight of a woman carrying a dog that's wearing a Donna Martin t-shirt that she runs out of the bar after the woman, demands compensation, and threatens to sue her and her little dog. She then looks up to the hotel's mezzanine level and spots the poofy red dress she wore during Season 1's Spring Dance episode and proceeds to bully her castmates into smashing the glass booth it's currently protected by so she can snatch it and abscond with it. I fear there's something not quite right in the head of Reboot Tori Spelling.

Gabrielle and Theresa are chuckling about how badly Theresa wants her to be a lesbian in real life...and the two lean in and indulge in a female-on-female smooch that would surely have been frowned upon in the early '90s.

Tori hands her phone to a bystander (the lonely looking kid who had asked Brian about being an outsider during the panel discussion) and barks at him to film her so she can live-stream [and provide for the police video evidence of] herself as she smashes her way through the glass booth and grabs the poofy red dress. As chaos ensues, Brian looks panicked and cries, "I lost my wallet!" just as security guards lumber over in response to the alarm that Tori has just set off. The 90210 gang flees the scene...and on his way out, Ian decides to steal his life-sized cardboard cutout, 'cause at this point in the episode, why the hell not?

"Take that, security glass!"

"I hope you're filming every precious second of this crime-in-process."

Aboard Brian's [wife's] private plane, Tori puts on industrial grade spanx and squeezes herself into the poofy red dress. When she emerges from the bathroom, she gushes about how happy she is about getting "their" dress back, and explains to her bemused castmates that it symbolizes what they created together. She toasts them, along with the late Luke Perry, and everyone sips champagne while staring sadly into space. When Ian excuses himself to go to the bathroom, his wife accidentally Face-times him while she's getting it on with another man, which...awkward. As the 90210 gang stares at the phone in morbid fascination, Ian returns from the bathroom, looks aghast at what his wife is up to while he's away, then snarks about not wanting anyone's pity. He changes the subject to Tori's squandering of her Beverly Hills, 90210 fortune [which...yes, was monumentally stupid - but this is now the third time the show has brought it up] and Jennie "defends" her by saying that Tori's lack of life skills can be likened to "letting a zoo animal out into the wild". Bwahahaha! True enough.

When the 90210 gang lands in whatever city they've jetted to, they're promptly arrested for grand larceny and destruction of private property.
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Ian who I'll assume got bailed out the next morning, kisses his slutty wife hello and asks her how the Real Housewives audition went. She vaguely says it was exhausting, and then wanders off...and Ian stares after her with a mournful expression, then turns his attention back to his computer and continues to peck away at the prenuptial agreement he has open.
  
Gabrielle sheepishly tells her husband she did something new this weekend...then chickens out of confessing the female-on-female kiss she had and says the new thing she did was spend the night in the clink.

Jason stares morosely into space as he tells his wife he needs to tell her something...and she's like, "Me too. I'm pregnant!" Jason silently chews on that for a few seconds, then decides he'll accept it as good news.

Brian is so buoyed by all the positive coverage he's been getting on social media as a result of the arrest that he calls his agent to tell him he's ready to jump back into the acting world. The camera then pans across the exterior of his mansion and over to the main gate, where the lonely looking kid who had asked Brian about being an outsider during the panel discussion is standing with Brian's wallet in his hands. It remains unclear if he's a creepy stalker, or a Good Samaritan who's merely returning a lost wallet.

Tori and Nate are lamenting their debt problems, and Nate just shrugs and says they'll figure it all out...and by they'll, he means her. Jennie drops by to apologize to Tori for sassing her on the plane...and after the two hug it out, Tori asks her for advice on what to do about her cancelled reality show. Jennie derisively says to pull the plug 'cause reality shows are a waste of time - but Tori is no longer listening, 'cause she's too transfixed by the TV, which is airing The Green Room episode. She looks as though a brilliant idea suddenly penetrated her brain and says they should do a 90210 reboot, but Jennie makes an ew face and goes, "Have you lost your mind?"

Shannen Doherty packs her bags and leaves her luxury tent with a plane ticket that indicates destination: Los Angeles.

Jennie reminds Tori that they "can't go home again" - but Tori's like, "Sure we can!" ... and the two stare at the TV, which just happens to feature a scene that marks the genesis of the friendship between Dylan and Brandon. 

"Whaddya say we rebuild the Peach Pit set and film a completely unnecessary 90210 reboot?"

"That has to be the worst TV reboot idea in the history of TV reboots."

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