BH90210 - Episode 4
Recap: Ahn-drea arrives at the Peach Pit and finds Brenda, Kelly, and Donna sitting at a table together - looking as middle-aged as they are in 2019, but with the long poofy hairdos they wore in the early '90s. She nervously tells them she's here to see [about losing her virginity to] Brandon, and Emily Valentine appears out of nowhere decked out in Brandon's Peach Pit uniform. Brenda, Kelly, and Donna tut tut Ahn-drea about how she falsified her home address so she can attend West Beverly High, then taunt her to go back to where she came from: Van Nuys. The insult causes Ahn-drea to turn into the psycho girl from Prom Nightmare - a shout out to the nightmare she had during the Spring Dance episode - and maniacally wields a chainsaw while wailing, "You said you liked me!" A few seconds later, Gabrielle wakes up in a cold sweat...and the opening credits roll.
Gabrielle meets up with Christine, who complains that the script redo has been a nightmare, not least 'cause they're scheduled to start shooting the 90210 reboot in three days. Gabrielle says she'd much prefer to talk about personal stuff 'cause she's somehow assuming they're currently on their first date - and Christine gives her a funny look and says she assumed that this was more of a platonic get together. Bwahahaha! Gabrielle cries, "I'm sooooo embarrassed!" - bwahahaha! - and hurriedly gathers her stuff to rush out red-faced - just as Christine checks her phone and tells her that the social media response to last episode's 90210 reboot cast photo has somehow been overwhelmingly positive.
In the back of a limo, Brian is basking in the glow of his admirers gabbling on social media about how super hot he is (he did turn out surprisingly sexy, I'll give him that) - but Shay isn't listening 'cause she's just been informed that some nefarious person leaked her latest song before it had a chance to get properly auto-tuned and mixed...which, after hearing the raw version (yikes), is clearly a necessity. She tells Brian she can't imagine who could have leaked it, then says that since it was recorded in her home studio, it had to have been someone who works inside their household. Zach opens the limo door at that exact moment and suggests she talk to her stylist Joanna, who he spied milling around the studio late last night.
Kyler tells Jennie she's annoyed that TMZ is strongly insinuating that she got cast in the upcoming 90210 reboot 'cause of who her mom is - which...DUH - and Jennie (who's been doing really weird things with her strange duck lips in this series) breezily tells her to ignore the haters, 'cause apparently being mocked and resented for such overt nepotism is all part of being in showbiz. Wyatt informs Jennie that he's getting reassigned by Fox 'cause she hasn't had any stalking threats since the mutilated Kelly doll arrived in the mail, and both Jennie and Kyler look less than thrilled at the hottie's impending exit from their daily lives.
Jennie and Tori are running a casting session at Fox, gabbling about all the hate Kyler is facing for getting a role as Jennie's daughter in the reboot. Tori clucks sympathetically and says she can definitely relate to the criticism, having been accused of nepotism for 1) getting the role of Donna Martin, and 2) having the role quickly upgraded from supporting to principal - no doubt at the behest of her indulgent father - for ten wretched seasons.
Kyler enters the room for her audition, which turns out to be a lackluster embarrassment. Following her is Tilda, an actual actress who looks as though she spent more than a few seconds preparing for her reading. After Tilda's acting brilliance is painfully obvious to everyone in the room, Jennie moans, "Ooooh noooo.." and tells Tori she probably shouldn't have offered Kyler the role of her TV daughter before going through the proper casting process. Tori points out that she merely promised her a role, and reminds her that back in the '90s she had auditioned for the role of Kelly Taylor - but was thrown a bone when her dad's lackeys were forced to give her the role of Donna. She scrunches her big face contemplatively and says, "Maybe Kyler is a Donna..?"
After the casting session, Jennie tells Kyler she's soooo proud of her for existing - but that since there's an actress with actual acting abilities they really want to hire, they're going to give her the watered-down role of Tori's TV daughter. Kyler breathes a sigh of relief and says that that sounds like a much better arrangement, not least 'cause she thinks it'll be easier to work with Tori. A few seconds later, they arrive at Jennie's car and notice a large knife sticking out of one of the tires...and Wyatt appears from out of nowhere and glares suspiciously at it.
Ian is trying on wardrobe items for the reboot and is annoyed when one of the ensembles is a grimy looking overcoat and sloppy pants. He pompously tells Anna that dressing the son of the fashion icon that was Samantha Sanders (?) like a homeless man is tantamount to punishing the audience, who will surely revolt when they see their fave 90210 hottie looking so slovenly. Anna snarkishly retorts that she knows very well who Samantha Sanders is, then bitchily explains that she wrote an implausible subplot in the script where Steve gets a prominent movie role as an environmental apocalypse survivor. Hence the homeless man outfit...and despite the fact that for ten seasons on Beverly Hills, 90210, Steve Sanders never once expressed an interest in wanting to follow in his "fashion icon" mother's footsteps and become an actor. Ian sheepishly replies, "Oh OK. Well, that's useful information to have" and Anna gives him another tongue-lashing about something or other - my brain is starting to tune out her snarly bitchitude - before storming off. Brian, meanwhile, gets a call from Shay, who tells him that Joanna swore up and down that she didn't leak the terrible sounding pre-auto-tuned track - and that she suspects his weird new assistant Zach.
The cast (sans Shannen Doherty) gathers at Fox for the first table read...and everyone is in full agreement that Anna's script is even worse than the collective terribleness that was Seasons 5-10 of the original. Brian says he couldn't tell if the reboot was supposed to be a comedy or a drama (much like the BH90210 drivel we've been watching for the last three episodes), Jennie says she outright hates it, Kyler is mad that her character only has one line (as if she's in any position to be haughty), Gabrielle criticizes the general crappiness of the 'Surprise! Ahn-drea is suddenly gay storyline', and Jason bellyaches about all the scenes taking place in dark interiors, which will be a nightmare for him to film. Christine suggests they stop moaning and bitching and instead be part of the solution so the studio can stay on schedule and begin shooting in two days.
At the 90210 reboot kick-off party, which soon doubles as a working meeting, everyone simultaneously bitches to Anna about how awful her script is, and suggests she take note of their ideas and incorporate them into a new and improved script. When Anna's like, "Fuck this!" and stomps off, Christine admonishes the cast for continuing to alienate their shittastic head writer. Jennie haughtily informs her that they're refusing to show up for filming if the studio can't produce a decent script, and Christine nonsensically snaps, "Figure it out!" and threatens to fire and sue each of them for breach of contract.
Ian chases after Anna to explain that everyone's unusually bitchy 'cause of how nervous they all are about the reboot, and Anna snappishly retorts, "Write it yourselves!" and declares herself out. Ian stops her, hands her his car keys, and implores her to sit in the passenger seat and use the quiet ambiance of his luxury sports car to collect her thoughts and do her best to re-churn out a halfway decent script.
The cast mates read through Anna's script again, which leads to everyone sniping at each other. When Jennie accuses Gabrielle of bossily wanting to control everything the way she used to on the Beverly Hills, 90210 set, Gabrielle gets mad and storms off in a huff. Steve discreetly uses his phone to film the cattiness, then sends the footage to Anna in the hopes that she'll use it to conjure up some interesting storyline ideas.
Nate complains to Tori that this party-turned-working-meeting is soooo booooring and that he wants to go home. Jennie, meanwhile, apologizes to Gabrielle for calling her out on her control issues, and Gabrielle whimpers about how insecure she always felt around them 'cause of how much older she was than everyone else - as well she should have, considering she was a twenty-nine year old when some fool in the casting department hired her to play the role of a teenager. Steve films the "emotional" footage and forwards it to Anna, who finally looks inspired enough to start tapping away at her laptop.
Shannen Doherty makes a grand entrance, apologizing for her lateness due to a flight delay...which is a tad confusing, 'cause I thought she was in L.A. to stay once she made her grand entrance at Fox after jetting in from Peru at the end of the previous episode. Her cast mates tell her about the clusterfuckery they've been enduring in her absence: the script emergency, a crazy stalker on the loose, and Christine's threat to fire and sue them if they bail on the reboot. Shannen gets a wigged out look on her face, says she can't cope with all this stress, and beats a hasty retreat...leaving everyone staring after her in horrified puzzlement.
Tori, Jennie, and Gabrielle find Shannen meditating in a quiet space...and Shannen chides them for putting out so much negative energy, then says it's her new quest in life to only embark upon experiences that fill the soul. Jennie muses, "I doubt you'll be able to find that here" - LOL - and Shannen says she's going to have to think long and hard about whether or not she'll be willing to appear in any 90210 reboot. Tori reminds her that shooting begins tomorrow - but Shannen shushes her and says she "really can't rush the universe".
Jennie tries to cheer up a bummed looking Kyler by telling her she started out in showbiz with a tiny part on Growing Pains, then assures her that she too will land bigger, better roles than Tori's TV daughter. Judging from Kyler's earlier audition scene, I would call that highly optimistic. As the two hug it out, Kyler confesses to sticking a knife in her tire so that Wyatt wouldn't get reassigned - and Jennie looks aghast and tells her it was psychotic, deceitful, and manipulative...then decides it's the perfect quality combination to make it in showbiz.
Tori tells Brian that her big baby of a husband is being weird about the two of them having on-screen sex, then is surprised when Nate suddenly ambles over. He explains that he was on his way out when he ran into Shay, and had such a delightful conversation with her that he decided to stay after all. Joy.
Later, Tori tells Christine that Shannen may possibly bail on the 90210 reboot - and Christine lets out a caustic laugh and snaps, "Just fix it!" To invoke even more contrived drama, she reveals to Tori that Shannen's deal involved double the salary that everyone else negotiated, and Tori scrunches her big face in puzzlement and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?!"
Tori, Jennie, and Gabrielle return to Shannen's meditation space to implore her to reconsider appearing in the 90210 reboot. After blathering about all the emotional carnage the four of them regularly instigated during the filming of Seasons 1-4 of the original, Shannen decides she's kind of missed it and agrees to do the reboot - but only if someone fixes the script.
Gabrielle tells Christine that the script is really coming along, and Christine apologizes for the weirdness of their earlier date/non-date and acknowledges that she was putting out some pretty mixed signals. When Gabrielle wrings her hands about how the 'Surprise! Ahn-drea is suddenly gay' storyline is uncharted territory for her, Christine points out that exploring her lesbian leanings should be fun and exciting...then leans in for a smooch. Gabrielle pulls away and says she shouldn't get into any tongue action 'cause of how buzzed she is from all the drinking she's been doing tonight.
When Ian learns that Shannen's salary is double everyone else's, he sourly says they should all be making the same amount of money. Shannen defends her exclusive deal by explaining that she'll be donating her entire salary to a nonprofit that helps orphans in hot zones, then stares at them all as tearfully as possible until Jason rolls his eyes and snaps, "Fine - give it to the %$#@ orphans." Anna returns from Ian's car with copies of her newly revamped script, and the 90210 gang looks thoroughly intrigued.
After a read-through, the gang agrees that the new script is amaaaaazing and that it "finally feels right". Brian gets distracted by a distressed looking Shay on the phone, who just got word that Joanna was the one who leaked her pre-auto-tuned song. She then tells Brian she had hired a PI to look into the matter, along with the weirdness that is Zach...and the PI reported that Zach has a very strange, stalker-esque bulletin board in his apartment, along with his (Brian's) lost wallet. She wails, "Who is this guy?!"
Wyatt tells Jennie he's well aware that Kyler was the one who slashed her tire - but that he's A-OK with it 'cause it means he can stick around Garth manor for the time being. When he adds that he can't, in good conscience, get romantically involved with a client, Jennie says she'll ask Fox to reassign him.
Gabrielle drops in on Christine at her office, sits beside her, and gives her a passionate smooch. She explains that she suddenly realized life is short, and that some woman-on-woman action seems really right to her at this very moment. The two then get into some more intense smooching action.
Brian looks weirded out as he stares at Zach's bulletin board and asks what kind of sinister plan he had in mind. When Zach insists he merely wanted to get to know him better, Brian snarkishly calls him out for being a stalker and a thief. Zach quietly replies, "I'm your son", and Brian stares at him incredulously.
A few days later, the 90210 gang looks thrilled to jump into the filming of the reboot - but their joy is quickly squelched when they notice that the entrance to the Peach Pit set has been spray painted with Stop acting like I'm not even here...and when someone opens the door leading to the indoor part of the set, they're horrified to see that the entire thing is ablaze.
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3/4/2020 10:53:57 am
I love the look on Shannen's face while she talking about the orphans in hot zones. Intentional or not, it really looks like she just pulled "orphans in hot zones" out of thin air as a reason to justify making double what everyone else is.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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