Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 2, Episode 28

"I'll make you realize that I'm an
even bigger douchebag than you
ever thought possible, Jimbo."

"Wedding Bell Blues"
Original airdate: 5/7/1992

Episode summary: Mel and Jackie get married at the Walsh house due to improbable flooding problems at Jackie's house, and Papa Walsh and Dylan have a big fight that puts his noxious relationship with Brenda at risk.

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Recap: Brenda and Dylan are being detained at the U.S./Mexican border because stupid Brenda forgot to bring any ID with her when she sneaked (snuck?) off to Baja with Dylan. The two are being held in what looks like a small interrogation room, and she's lamenting her lamentable stupidity. Dylan urges her to chillax, but she's distressed by the phone call she just made to her parents. Apparently, Papa Walsh was too angry to even get on the phone with her, and she's worried that he's going to yell at her as soon as he sees her. Dylan's like "Yeah so?" and pretty much guarantees that Papa Walsh is going to yell at her since, according to his shallow wisdom, yelling is what parents do when they're mad. He then reminisces about the weekend they just had and tells her that their trip to Baja was well worth a furious Papa Walsh. Brenda agrees that it was perfect...up until she blew it.

Papa Walsh has arrived at the border inspection station with Brenda's birth certificate. The INS officer apologizes for dragging him all the way there, but explains that he had no choice but to follow the INS's strict rules and regulations. The two walk down a hallway and the officer brings Papa Walsh to the room where Dylan and Brenda are being held. When Papa Walsh opens the door, the two are locked in an embrace and playing kissy face because that's appropriate when you're being detained at a border inspection station. Papa Walsh gives them a terse hello and ignores Dylan's attempts to explain how Brenda ended up in Mexico for the weekend without parental permission. Papa Walsh brusquely tells them he just wants to get the hell out of there and promises to berate them later.


Brandon is riding home on his bicycle. He notices Dylan's Porsche in the driveway, and when he enters the house he can hear his father yelling at Brenda and Dylan in the living room. Papa Walsh is ranting about how he (Dylan) broke a trust after he (Papa Walsh) opened his heart, his home, and his teenage daughter to the lad. He then turns to Brenda and yells at her for lying to him and her mother about spending the weekend at Kelly's house. Papa Walsh notices Brandon lurking in the doorway and sternly asks him if he was part of this...and when Brandon answers by looking guilty and sheepish, Papa Walsh takes that as a yes. Mama Walsh feels especially foolish about being deceived and suddenly realizes that Kelly must have been in on the trickery as well, and announces that she's going to call Jackie and tattle on Kelly for lying to her about Brenda spending the weekend at her place. Not sure what that will accomplish. Brenda pleads with her mother not to make the call, but to no avail. Papa Walsh orders Brandon to skedaddle so he can rebuke Brenda and Dylan some more. He tells them that their relationship has gone too far, and that it's time to give it a break already. Right?? Dylan decides that he's been yelled at enough for one day and sullenly announces that he's going home. He defiantly kisses Brenda on the forehead and gives Papa Walsh the stink-eye as he tells her he'll see her at school tomorrow. After he slouches out of the house, Brenda bitchily tells her father that he can punish her all he wants, but the Baja trip wasn't Dylan's fault. In fact, he didn't even realize that she hadn't gotten permission to go until after they arrived in Mexico. True enough...but I do think it should have been a reasonable assumption on Dylan's part.


Kelly's house. Jake is working in the backyard when Kelly strides over to him and tells him he's looking smokin' hot. She leans in for a kiss, and he half-heartedly returns her kiss as his eyes dart around nervously. Kelly assures him that Jackie is inside, and he tells her she's living dangerously. She then decides to share her innermost feelings with Jake, saying stuff like she can be herself whenever she's with him and that she can say anything to him and know that he'll understand. Her awkward soul-bearing comes to an abrupt halt when Jackie emerges from the house, looking very pissed off and decked out in a hideous multi-colored maternity moo moo. She informs Kelly that she just spoke with Mama Walsh and pointedly asks her daughter if she lied to her about Brenda spending the weekend at their house when she was really in Mexico with Dylan. Kelly mumbles "Yeah" but insists it wasn't her idea. Jackie orders her to call Mama Walsh and apologize, so Kelly bids a flirty adieu to Jake and heads inside to make the apology call.


West Beverly High. Kelly sarcastically thanks Brenda for ratting her out to Mama Walsh, but Brenda points out that there's a huge difference between ratting someone out and getting caught. Either way, Kelly is annoyed that her mother yelled at her as though she were a child...and in front of Jake! Brenda is as unaffected by this as she generally is with other people's problems, and responds by announcing that she and Dylan aren't allowed to see each other anymore.


The Blaze newsroom. Brandon enters the newsroom and finds a mopey Ahn-drea. When he asks her what's wrong, she tells him she's fine...but when he probes a tiny bit, the floodgates of her troubled emotional state open and she starts rambling about how she thought she'd made real friends at West Beverly High. She didn't expect to be one of Jackie's bridesmaids (God forbid), but she did expect to at least get an invitation to attend the wedding. Brandon is surprised to hear that she was excluded from the wedding of the century and tells her there must be some mistake. Ahn-drea moans about how she's been deluding herself into believing that she and Kelly were friends, and there's a catch in her voice as she says this. Brandon offers to talk to Kelly and force her to extend a wedding invitation to Ahn-drea, but Ahn-drea tells him that at this point she wouldn't go even if Kelly asked her to. I would consider that a win-win.


The Peach Pit. Nat tells Brandon that he offered to bake pies for the wedding, but Jackie turned him down, and he's miffed and wonders why his pies aren't good enough for the swanky wedding. Maybe your pies suck ass, Nat. Ever think of that? Dylan enters the diner and shuffles over to the counter. He asks Brandon how things are going at Casa Walsh these days, and Brandon tells him that he's spending as much time as possible away from home...then irritably tells him not to ask him to lie for him and Brenda again. Dylan lays the blame for the Mexico thing at Brenda's feet, but Brandon gets all judgey about their actions and tells him he totally gets why Papa Walsh is so pissed off at them. Dylan launches into a story about how his father's wife didn't like him and told him that he was persona non grata in his own house. He then glares at Brandon and asks him if he's persona non grata at the Walsh house, and Brandon's like "D'yuh." Dylan coldly tells him he just wanted to hear him say it.


The Walsh house. The atmosphere is tense at the breakfast table. No one says a word except Papa Walsh when he asks for someone to pass him the salt. Brenda later remarks to her brother how their parents "excel at overkill", but Brandon snarks back that she got off pretty easy. She then whines about how they won't let her prove she's responsible 'cause they're not allowing her to make any decisions, and Brandon expresses his annoyance that he's taking the heat for her dumbass decision to sneak off to Mexico, which he thought was wrong in the first place.


West Beverly High. Brenda and Dylan are sucking face as though they've been apart for a year. She tells him they'll be able to see each other at Kelly's house; Mama and Papa Walsh are allowing her to go to the wedding rehearsal and the dinner afterwards. When she invites him to come along, Dylan tells her that it wouldn't make much sense for him to go to the rehearsal if he's not planning on going to the wedding. Actually, it wouldn't make much sense for him to go to the rehearsal or the rehearsal dinner if he's not actually a member of the wedding party. Brenda tells him he has to come to the wedding since he's an invited guest, but Dylan doesn't want to deal with Papa Walsh and tells her that maybe the two of them should keep their distance for a little while - meaning he wants to keep his distance from Papa Walsh and from her. Brenda looks stricken by his words and moans how she can't believe this is happening. She announces that she doesn't want to go to the wedding if he's not going to the wedding. But she's a bridesmaid! How is Jackie going to find a replacement bridesmaid who's slim enough to fit into Brenda's grisly pink pom-pom dress at this late date? Dylan moodily tells her to tell her father about her change of plans, then slouches off down the hall.


Kelly's house. As Jackie works on the details of her wedding, Jake comes inside to tell her that his work is done. She rushes off to go write him a check. Kelly has overheard the conversation and confronts Jake about his imminent departure without even saying goodbye to her. He tells her has things to do - ouch - so she pouts and says she'll miss seeing him around the house. He promises not to stop being her friend just because he finished the job for her mother, but she reminds him that they were acting like a lot more than just friends when they shared those two awkward kisses the other night. She boldly invites him to be her date for the wedding, but Jake tells her it's not a good idea...and also that he's the last person she should be bringing home to mom. She leans in to kiss him, but he backs away as though she has the plague. Jackie re-enters the room with Jake's check and thanks him for a job well done...and a few seconds later he beats a hasty retreat, leaving behind a distraught looking Kelly.


Wedding rehearsal. Kelly is recounting for Brenda how she invited Jake to be her date to the wedding, but that he blew her off and then fled the house. Brenda condescendingly tells her that Jake is nothing more than a fantasy to her, which is probably why she likes him so much. Kelly sarcastically thanks Brenda for her support, and when Donna asks what's going on, Kelly snarks that Brenda basically called her a fool for ever thinking there could be anything between her and Jake. Brenda ignores all of the non-Brenda burble and breaks the devastating news that she doesn't think she and Dylan will be able to make it through this latest crisis. This brings Kelly to the breaking point, and she snaps that she's so sick of hearing Brenda talk about Dylan ad nauseum. You and me both, sister. She asks Brenda if it's ever occurred to her that other people have relationships they take seriously. Um. No..? Brenda bitchily asks how anyone could possibly compare the enduring love story between her and Slouchy to the frivolous kissing encounters between Kelly and Jake...and for good measure, she throws an insult Donna's way by hissing that Kelly and Jake aren't even "up there" with Donna and David. Bwahahaha! Donna, who's acting slower on the uptake than usual in this episode is all, "Wuh?" so Kelly rants to her about how Brenda is being a self-centered bitch. Hee! Jackie overhears this delicious drama and reprimands Kelly for her outburst. Brenda sourly announces that she's going home, and Donna follows her inside the house like a meek lapdog. Kelly tries to explain to Jackie that no one cares about or is even acknowledging her lustful feelings for Jake...but a sudden crisis makes it impossible to explore the issue further. Donna runs outside to announce that it's raining in the living room! Apparently some plumbing issues have caused an improbable flood in the Taylors' living room.


The Peach Pit. Kelly tells Donna and David that tree roots are the cause of the plumbing problems at her house, and that the water has been shut off until a plumber can sort through it all. Brandon, who's working yet another shift at the Pit, sympathizes with how stressed out Jackie must be. Kelly tells her friends that Jackie isn't having any luck finding a hotel that's willing to host a wedding with one day's notice...much less one that will allow her to use the catered food she's already paid for. Donna says she'd offer Jackie and Mel the use of her house - actually, that would be her parents' house - but since her folks are on the outs after Felice's slutty two-timing a couple of episodes ago, it might not be the best time to ask them to host a wedding.


Ahn-drea enters the diner with a big dumb smile plastered across her big dumb face. She's clutching a wedding invitation and explains to the gang that her mother had been carrying it around in her purse for two weeks before she remembered to pass it along to her. Kelly remarks that she wondered why she hadn't heard from her...and Ahn-drea tells her she didn't think she was invited. Kelly asks her if she really thought they'd leave her out, and Ahn-drea beams with the joy of feeling accepted while Brandon looks on approvingly. Blech. David warns Ahn-drea not to get too misty-eyed about being invited to the wedding, since there might not even be a wedding if Jackie isn't able to find a venue. Brandon suddenly gets a wonderful, awful idea and tells Kelly he'll ask Mama Walsh if she wouldn't mind having Mel's and Jackie's wedding at Casa Walsh. After all, Mama Walsh loves having people over.


Mama Walsh totally freaks out when Brandon inquires about the wedding being hosted at their house. Brandon assures her that he only committed to inquiring...and now that he has, he understands that the answer is a resounding NO! Papa Walsh remarks that he doesn't even think their house is big enough to host such a large affair. The phone rings and it's Jackie, calling to thank Mama Walsh for offering their house as a venue for their wedding. Mama Walsh doesn't set her straight, and caves almost immediately. She ends up telling Jackie that it's no problem for her to have the wedding at their house. A dismayed Papa Walsh reacts by backwashing in his coffee, while Brandon just looks aghast. When Mama Walsh gets off the phone, she sheepishly admits that she couldn't say no. Papa Walsh glares over at Brandon, who just laughs nervously.


Shortly after that, wedding stuff begins to make its way to the Walsh house. Mama and Papa Walsh stand on the front lawn and watch helplessly as endless deliveries of furniture, flowers, and catered food suddenly arrive. Jackie spots the two of them and rushes over to effusively thank them for their graciousness.


In the kitchen, Steve is grumbling that Jackie and Mel better have a long and happy marriage 'cause he's still schvitzing from helping the delivery men carry all the wedding stuff to the house. He reaches for an hors d'oeuvre but gets his hand slapped by the caterer. Mama Walsh bustles into the kitchen and asks where Brenda is, and Brandon tells her that Bitchy Lazy Bones is still in bed. When the caterer looks the other way, Brandon loads up on wedding hors d'oeuvres for him and Steve.


Brenda's room. Brenda is laying in bed looking glum. Mama Walsh enters her room and urges her to get her ass out of bed and pitch in, but Brenda sulks that she's not in a partying mood. Mama Walsh says that regardless of how upset everyone is about the whole Baja thing, at some point they're all going to have to get over it. Brenda starts whining about how Papa Walsh won't even let Dylan in the house, but Mama Walsh tells her that she agrees with his opinion that the two of them need to give it a rest with their noxious relationship. Brenda professes her love for Dylan and informs her mother that he's not coming to the wedding - in fact, he probably won't ever want to come to the house again. Brenda asks Mama Walsh if there's anything she can do, and Mama Walsh stares into space looking contemplative.


Brandon and Steve are building a fountain out of champagne glasses when Mama Walsh enters the kitchen and abruptly stops them before they destroy all of the glassware. She hands Brandon an envelop and asks him to deliver it for her.


The Peach Pit. Brandon delivers the envelop to Dylan, who's sitting at a table, brooding. Inside the envelop is a letter that Mama Walsh wrote to him, acknowledging that the situation may have gotten out of hand. She promises him that if he can find it within himself to take the first step and come back to their home, she'll do her best to make it easy for him. Or something mushtastic like that. Dylan stares into space looking contemplative.


Donna and Kelly arrive at the Walsh house carrying their garment bags with the fugly bridesmaids dresses inside. Steve bitches at them for not being around earlier to help the menfolk carry in all the chairs and stuff. They tell him they were busy beautifying themselves and getting their hair done. Kelly then instructs Donna to wait downstairs until she clears the air with Brenda.


Brenda's room. Kelly enters, and the two stare at each other awkwardly and exchange brusque hellos. The ice is quickly broken when Kelly apologizes and Brenda apologizes immediately afterward. That done, the two hug it out, and Kelly needlessly explains that Jake really meant something to her, and that she developed so many feelings for him so quickly...and Brenda apologizes for being so self-centered. She then asks her where Donna is, and Kelly tells her she's downstairs, waiting for the smoke between them to clear. Brenda says she'll go and fetch her, and just as she's descending the staircase, the doorbell rings. Mama Walsh answers it, and it's Dylan slouching in the doorway. Brenda is surprised but happy to see him, and he explains that he came over as a way of "taking the first step". He then goes upstairs to have a sit-down with Papa Walsh. Brenda hugs her mom and tells her she loves her.


Master bedroom. Papa Walsh is watching television when Dylan comes a knockin'. Papa Walsh invites him inside and promptly starts rehashing his previous lecture about how Dylan needs to take responsibility, blah blah. Dylan tells him he's being too harsh, but Papa Walsh begs to differ. He thinks he's been very tolerant of Dylan's alcohol issues, not to mention Brenda's fake pregnancy scare during the season premiere. However, despite Brenda's feelings for him, at some point Papa Walsh has to draw the line. Dylan asks if he's really such a bad person, and Papa Walsh rails once more about how he broke a trust. Sigh. He really is starting to sound like a broken record. He tells Dylan that after the wedding, he doesn't want him seeing Brenda anymore, and this gets Dylan mad all over again and he storms out of the room. When he runs into Brenda downstairs, he keeps quiet about Papa Walsh's edict. He kisses her and tells her he's going home to get dressed up for the wedding.


In the upstairs bathroom, Kelly, Donna, and Brenda are wearing their godawful pink pom pom bridesmaids dresses and putting the final touches on their makeup. Brenda dreamily describes what her fantasy wedding will be like when she marries Dylan...or whoever the groom might be. As for Donna, she either wants a traditional church wedding or a bungee jump themed wedding. Kelly has no opinion on their inane chatter and leaves the bathroom to check on the bride.


Jackie's in one of the bedrooms, crying. She's terrified that she's making a big mistake marrying husband #4 (she is), and wonders if maybe she and Mel should just shack up instead of marrying (probably). She stares beseechingly at Kelly and asks her if she likes Mel...adding that Kelly is the most important person in her life. Kelly unconvincingly tells her that she likes Mel and tells her that she's doing the right thing by getting married 'cause Mel asked her to marry him, and that must mean he knows what he's doing. That was a completely nonsensical answer, but OK. Jackie gives herself a final once-over in the mirror before declaring herself ready to say her I do's.


During the ceremony, Brenda fantasizes that it's really her and Dylan standing at the altar getting married. After that disturbing reverie, the minister pronounces Mel and Jackie husband and wife, and everyone claps while they kiss. Kelly hugs Jackie as David hugs Mel...and Jackie walks down the aisle with her new husband and exclaims, "Let's party!"


As everyone starts boogying on the makeshift dance floor, Steve stands off to the side with Kelly. He tells her it'll be nice for her to have a dad around, even if it's David's. He then grits his teeth and asks how it's going with Joke. Kelly corrects his deliberate mispronunciation of Jake and tells him that nothing's going on; in fact, he's not even at the wedding. Steve declares that it's over between the two of them, and she's like, "D'yuh" and reminds him that she dumped his ass long before the pilot episode. Regardless, he still vows to put his two cents into whoever Kelly dates, and she tells him she wouldn't have it any other way. In practice, that could get really annoying, Kelly. David then comes over to ask Kelly to dance, and Steve wanders off to ogle some single gals who might welcome some attention from a 'fro sporting assbag.


Brenda and Dylan are dancing, and she tells him that she's so happy he came to the wedding. Dylan, however, isn't so sure it was a good idea, since Papa Walsh keeps glaring over at him. He then tells her how badly things went during their conversation earlier that day, and describes how he tried to apologize to Papa Walsh...but instead of accepting his apology, Papa Walsh just kept hitting him with stuff from the past. Dylan is very hurt that Papa Walsh shut him out because of a mistake, er...broken trust, and says that the only other man who's ever made him feel this lousy was his felonious father.


David is dancing with Kelly, amazed that she's now his step-sister. Kelly ribs him about what a geek he used to be before he became cool. Wuh - David's cool? When the hell did that happen? Jake suddenly appears out of nowhere and asks David if he can cut in...and Kelly's surprised, but happy to see him. As Kelly and Jake dance, he calls her a very dangerous girl and that he doesn't think his pecker should be as hard for her as it is. She assures him that she's not a kid - and he interjects and says something like she's a girl, but not yet a woman...just like the name of that coming-of-age Britney Spears song. Jake yammers about how she's very bright, extremely sexy, and also that he should be arrested for what he's thinking now. He then mumbles nonsensically about how he's here and real...but that she doesn't really know him, or realize what she's getting herself into. Unwilling to be talked out of diving into a relationship that sounds like a bad idea from the get-go, Kelly tells Jake that she's willing to take her chances, and the two kiss.


Ahn-drea tells Brandon she thinks the odds are with this marriage succeeding. That goes to show how much she knows. Ahn-drea then laughs at herself for being so silly and feeling like she doesn't belong. She says that she's always questioning if people like her, which she definitely should considering her manic, often off-putting personality. Brandon doesn't know how to retort to her self-deprecating drivel, so he tells her that she's Ahn-drea Zuckerman, and (thankfully) there could never be another Ahn-drea Zuckerman. She then asks him to dance, and they both laugh at the frightening prospect.


Mel and Jackie go upstairs to change into their honeymoon outfits. David wishes them good luck and presents them with the wedding gift he purchased for them: the diamond earrings. Mel assumes he bought them for Jackie, so David then has to explain that one earring is for each of them. Mel and Jackie look at each other in confusion and then laugh at the absurdity of his stupid gift.


The dance is still in full swing while Dylan stands by the bar and broods. Fuuuuuck, his constant moodiness is such a chore. Jake comes over to judgmentally remark that drinking has never been one of his better habits, and Dylan snarls that he's only drinking a coke. He then turns the tables and rags on Jake for being such a wanderer, and warns him about messing with a sweet cherub like Kelly.


Inside the house, Brenda confronts her father and angrily asks him what he said to Dylan that upset him so much. Papa Walsh tells her that all he did was express to Dylan how he felt...but now thinks he may have overreacted. Brenda wants him to kiss and make up with Dylan and informs him that he's slouching over by the bar.


Papa Walsh approaches Dylan and tells him that he was just talking to Brenda, and that she got him thinking that maybe he was too harsh earlier. He apologizes about his temper getting the better of him. Dylan politely accepts his apology and the two wish each other a pleasant night and move past their differences. Haha! Just kidding! Instead, Dylan decides this is the ideal opportunity for him to start yelling at Papa Walsh about how hurt he is, and how he trusted him like a father with his feelings. He then eggs Papa Walsh on to take a punch at him, but since Papa Walsh is a grown man who doesn't resolve conflict with violence, no punches are thrown. After a few more tense words, Dylan grabs a bottle and smashes it against the wall of the house. Papa Walsh angrily orders him to go home, and Dylan agrees to leave after declaring that he wants Papa Walsh's hands off of his money. Papa Walsh gets really upset and stands there breathing deeply as if he's going to keel over from a heart attack or something.


As rice is thrown, Mel and Jackie head toward their limo. Jackie throws her bouquet, and Ahn-drea catches it. Blech. Everyone claps and waves goodbye to the newlyweds.


An angry, drunk looking Dylan is striding purposefully toward his Porsche. Brenda demands to know where he's going, so he tells her that things are sucking very badly between him and Papa Walsh. He then continues to storm off and from a distance, Brandon watches all of this with a look of dismay. Papa Walsh orders Brenda to let Dylan leave, so she stands on the front lawn, watching tearfully as Dylan hops into his car and drives off with tires squealing.


Good riddance, douchenozzle. 

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