BH90210 - Episode 3
Recap: Brandon is closing up the Peach Pit when Kelly sashays into the diner wearing a trench coat. She coquettishly tells Brandon she's in the mood for a midnight snack, then dramatically rips off her trench coat to reveal the slinky teddy she's wearing underneath. She and Brandon start going at it...and a few seconds later she's laying atop the counter as her belly grows visibly more pregnant. From the director's chair, Jason tells Brandon, "It's not your baby" - and a few seconds later, Jason wakes up in a cold sweat and stares contemplatively at the ceiling.
The next day, Camille arrives home from a business trip and finds Jason sitting in the living room, staring moodily into space. When he tells her about his infertility situation, Camille sheepishly admits to having unprotected sex with screenwriter Jack Carlisle...but kept mum about it 'cause she was keeping her fingers crossed that the baby was his (Jason's). Jason shoots her a look of disgust, tells her he'll be crashing at Gabrielle's until further notice, and storms out of the house.
Gabrielle has just told her husband about her out-of-left-field lesbian urges and dreamily adds that when she kissed the bartender in Vegas, "It was electric." She assures her visibly despondent husband that while she still loves him and considers him her best friend, she really really wants to risk throwing away their 30+ years of marriage to explore the possibly non-hetero side of herself. Her husband irritably tells her to go right ahead - but to go pee up a rope if she expects him to sit around pining for her.
Tori tells Nate she's off to Fox Studios to pitch the 90210 reboot, and Nate grumbles in advance about the long hours of filming it's going to entail and how it's going to have an adverse effect on their family unit. Tori chides him for being an unsupportive douchenozzle, snarks, "I'll try not to be too successful", then angrily flounces out of the house.
During the pitch meeting, Christine Elise shoots Tori a withering look of contempt due to the train wreck the 90210 reboot is shaping up to be and bitchily asks if she has the following, ridiculous set of details straight:
Backstage, the cast members are hashing over some storyline ideas and discussing the mutilated dolls they each received in the mail at the end of the previous episode. A bummed looking, hungover Ian arrives late and asks [who he assumes to be] a random female extra to please get him some coffee, and she shoots him a hateful stink-eye and snarks, "That's really not my job."When Ian tries to placate her by complimenting her pretty eyes, she haughtily introduces herself as Anna, a member of the writing team, then chides him for his sexist 'tude. Tori steers Jack Carlisle over and introduces him to the group as the show's head writer, and Jason's all, "The fuck..?" and calls him out for doinking/impregnating his wife. When Jack smugly explains that he took it upon himself to satisfy a woman who clearly wasn't getting satisfied at home, Ian punches him in the face...and the resulting brawl results in a lot of backstage stuff getting knocked over and a fire somehow breaking out. Cue the opening credits: da na na na, da na na na, cha cha..
Carol Potter is leading a group therapy session with the 90210 cast...and when everyone expresses how weird it is that she's now their shrink, she says that being on Beverly Hills, 90210 was a good training ground for her to become a licensed therapist - not least 'cause she has inside knowledge of their various personal issues. Gabrielle brings up the mutilated dolls, and Jennie says she's still pretty freaked out by that and is seriously thinking about hiring additional security...and then Jason somehow lets it slip that he boned Jennie in Vegas. Tori's all, "Wuh? Why didn't you tell me?" and Jennie says she kept it from her on account of how big her mouth is...and soon everyone's bickering with everyone. Jennie calls Jason a hypocrite and storms out, Gabrielle declares that she doesn't need therapy (despite group therapy being her idea), and Ian and Brian decide they too have had enough and head out. Carol tells Tori she feels good about "the baby steps" they've made here today...and also that she's open to a Cindy Walsh reappearance in the reboot.
Brian is interviewing SLB (whose name we finally learn is Zach) for the assistant job. Zach gushes about what a UGE Beverly Hills, 90210 fan he is and how awesome it'd be for him to do whatever grunt work and run whatever errands his TV idol wants. Brian gives him a WTF look and mutters, "You look familiar" - just as Shay arrives and looks miffed at Zach's insufficient level of enthusiasm at being in the presence of the [BH90210 universe's] most famous female rock star.
Jennie freaks out when she catches a strange hottie lurking around her property and decides 'why not leave the security of my house and weakly attack him with my pool skimmer?' The hottie easily overpowers her and introduces himself as Wyatt Jackson, her delicious new bodyguard.
When Brian tells Shay he wants to hire Zach as his assistant, she says there's definitely something off about the weirdo. Brian chuckles and accuses her of being annoyed that Zach didn't "geek out" over her, then texts Zach to inform him that - congratulations! - he got the job.
Gabrielle chats with Christine Elise about paving the way for a storyline about Ahn-drea's possible new life as a non-hetero...then admits she's only doing this 'cause of her real life curiosity. She grumbles about her husband's reaction to her sudden lesbian urges, then gets all angst-ridden about not knowing if she's full-on gay or simply bi. Christine urges her to "try to live it" and head to the nearest gay bar to plunge herself head first into some sexy research.
Ian apologizes to Anna, who continues to snark and snipe at him for daring to compliment the prettiness of her eyes. He whines about how much the world has changed while he's been out of commission as a married man, and she tells him to accept the fact that he's a sexist dickwad and let it go.
Tori FaceTimes with Nate - just as Brian can be seen in the background, emerging from a fitting room all shirtless and buff looking. Mmm hmm...
During a meeting with Jack Carlisle and Jason, Tori does her best to keep things civil as they banter about various story ideas. Jason suddenly decides 'no can do' and leaps up from his chair, snarks at Jack for knocking up his wife, then snappishly tells Tori, "It's either Jack or me!" before storming off.
Later, Tori moans to Nate about how harrrd producing is, and that she knows she's going to have to fire Jack in order to keep Jason on the project. Nate complains about Brian prancing around shirtless while they were FaceTiming earlier, and Tori perks up at his jealousy and reminds her husband that she and Brian dated for, like, five minutes over two decades ago. Nate's like, "Yeah, whatever" and demands that she commit to there being zero love scenes between her and Brian throughout the reboot. That's a lot to ask of David Silver, who's married to the most stunning cherub the world has ever known.
Tori drops by Gabrielle's house to plead with Jason to stay with the 90210 reboot, but Jason says he'll quit if Jack remains employed...and since he knows she's not capable of firing anyone, he called Fox himself to demand that they dump Jack asap. Tori's all, "Wha-a-a?" and chides him for making her feel completely undermined.
Shay gets thoroughly wigged out when her small daughter, Bryce, somehow makes it out the front door and toddles down the front walk, where she runs into Zach as he returns with Brian's dry cleaning.
At Fox Studios, Jennie apologizes to Tori for not telling her about getting boned by Jason, then mulls over the horror of possibly having feelings for the cad. Tori is summoned to Christine's office, where she's ordered to fire Jack Carlisle, and warned that if she can't get Shannen to sign up for the upcoming photo shoot and reboot, the entire project is likely to get shut down. Egads!
Tori psychs herself up to fire Jack, who pitches a blechy storyline idea about David getting it on with Mrs. Walsh [no doubt while Mr. Walsh watches, LOL]. Tori looks momentarily intrigued by the proposed insanity, then tells him that since he went ahead and doinked Camille, he's going to have to seek employment elsewhere. Jack amiably says he gets that it's part of being a producer - but then stalks off, his face contorted with anger.
When Brian gets wind of Bryce's near escape to the front walk of their house, on a secured property I can only assume is fully gated and monitored by security, Zach takes the blame and says he accidentally left the door's top lock open.
Jennie drops by Gabrielle's house to have a heart-to-heart with Jason. She points out that he could still be a father to Camille's baby, then urges him to confess his infidelity to his wife so he can't feel tempted to continue walking around acting like a sanctimonious assbag.
Brian tells Shay he wants to fire Zach - but Shay tells him not to 'cause it was she who left the top lock open, and that she's still so wrecked about it 'cause she's acting as if her daughter had tumbled onto a busy highway instead of making it five feet out the front door. Brian coos, "It was just a mistake" - just as he gets a call from Jason.
Brian meets Jason at a bar where Ian is self-medicating with hard liquor. Jason tells Ian they're going to take him home now, but Ian whines about not wanting to go to an empty house and declares himself an undateable ogre in the #metoo era.
Jennie is watching TV when she hears a noise outside. She grabs a heavy art object, calls out, "Bodyguard? Bodyguard?" and eventually runs into Wyatt. He tells her he was securing the perimeter, urges her to put her trust in his abilities, and asks if she was seriously referring to him as bodyguard just now.
Tori kisses her sleeping family goodbye as she tiptoes out of the house with a suitcase-on-wheels.
The next morning, Jennie tells Wyatt she finally got a good night's sleep 'cause she was secure in the knowledge that he was protecting the house. She flirtily invites him to hang with her now that he's off the clock, and he looks visibly smitten when she successfully recalls his name.
Jason returns home to confess to Camille that he hit the sheets with Jennie during Episode 1. Camille stares bewilderedly into space before quietly exiting the room.
Brian and Zach are discussing little Bryce's escape out the front door - %^$#! - and Zach explains that he took the blame for leaving the top lock open 'cause his mom was always messing up and feeling guilty about it. Brian thanks him and rewards him with his own set of keys so he can let himself in whenever he arrives at work.
Tori is riding on a rickety Peruvian bus, which stops in a remote village near the mountaintop where Shannen Doherty has been holing herself up. She proceeds to drag herself and her suitcase-on-wheels up a nearby mountain...and when she reaches the top, she finds a brunette meditating. She's all, "Shannnnnnen!" - just as the brunette turns around and reveals himself to be a long haired dude who I'll assume has been hanging out with Shannen for so long he decided to adopt the exact same hairstyle. A few seconds later, Shannen emerges from a hut and greets Tori, who tells her how desperately she needs rescuing so that the 90210 reboot doesn't get shut down. Shannen decides to let bygones be bygones after her humiliating firing at the end of Season 4 and agrees to fly to L.A.
Christine finds Gabrielle staring confusedly at her phone and asks her how her straight?/gay?/bi? research is coming along. Gabrielle tells her she downloaded a gay dating app, but has no idea how in blazes the thing works.
Jason tells Jennie he 'fessed up to Camille about their Vegas doink, while Anna informs Ian that after Jack's firing she's been promoted to head writer and intends to write hot and heavy sex scenes between David and Donna, which...ack. Gabrielle checks her dating app and sees that Christine has invited her out for a drink - and when she stares questioningly across the room at Christine, she's greeted with a wink. A few seconds later, Tori rushes in to announce that the gang is officially together again - just as Shannen Doherty saunters in wearing a Peruvian poncho and cowboy hat. Christine tells Tori she's surprised and impressed with her for managing to pull this off, and Tori applauds herself for being a kickass TV producer and smugly orders the photographer, "Let's do this!"
The gang gets ready to pose by laying down so their heads are all in a circle...and Shannen grins and declares to no one in particular how nice it is to be back.
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5/24/2021 07:07:58 pm
This is so bleeping stupid. Who the hell thought a 90210 reboot would be a good idea for a summer TV series?
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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