Recap: Kelly, Donna, and Brenda are on stage at the Peach Pit After Dark wearing short, tight black outfits. They introduce resident rock star David Silver (LOL), then wriggle their hips to his undanceable crooning - exactly like they did when Emily Valentine sang Breaking Up is Hard to Do during their Hello Day performance in Season 2. When a fire suddenly breaks out in the club, David heroically pulls off his shirt (mmm..) and manages to quickly slap down the flames. Kelly and Brenda thank him for his studly bravery, while Donna stares at him all seductive-like and starts tonguing him...and this prompts Brian to abruptly wake up in his 90210 trailer in sweaty horror.
We hear the audio of an entertainment news anchor, who excitedly reports all the drama currently unfolding on the 90210 reboot set:
The 90210 gals are in the hair and makeup trailer, gabbling about how nervous they are about Day 1 of filming. Tori says she's soooo freaked out about her love scene with Brian, but everyone just breezily tells her not to stress, this being Fox and not a raunchy HBO production, then laughingly adds, "It's just Brian."
Over at the food table, Brian apologizes to Zach for being incommunicado lately, then explains that he's still processing the shocking news that they're father and son...and is also figuring out the best way to break the news to Shay. He says it'd probably be too weird for both of them for him to remain his personal assistant, and offers to pull some strings to get him a production assistant job on the 90210 set.
In mid-canoodle, Wyatt suggests to Jennie that they go mini-putting later, and Jennie contorts her freakish duck lips before continuing to kiss him.
Ian assures Anna that her revamped script is totes awesome and that she deserves to share in the show's success. She beams happily and suggests they chill and watch Netflix sometime, and he says he likes the sound of that - just as he's summoned to the Peach Pit set, the only set that didn't get destroyed in the fire.
Christine barks "Clear the set!" at all the non-actors, and informs the 90210 gang that the show is getting shut down 'cause they can't convince any insurance company to insure the production while there's an active 90210 threat. She adds that the network's HR department is investigating disgruntled employees to see if one of them set the fire, then orders the gang to clean out their trailers by the end of the day.
Gabrielle asks Christine if she's been avoiding her ever since the two of them got it on at the end of the previous episode, but Christine explains she's just been busy with all the reboot chaos to give that doink a second thought. She then says that since she's a network executive who bedded a subordinate, she (Gabrielle) will need to sign a consent form, preferably one that's been backdated.
The 90210 gang vows to not give up on their superfluous reboot and to put their heads together to see if they can find out who's been stalking them and burning down their sets. They head over to a nearby restaurant and go over the long list of possible suspects.
Tori stumbles down a flight of stairs, then stares contemplatively into space for a few seconds before excitedly blurting out, "I know who the stalker is!"
The 90210 gang (sans Brandon) goes on a road trip two hours outside of Los Angeles and arrive at a bar where - ack! - a now bald Jaime Walters is on stage, throatily crooning How Do You Talk to an Angel?, OMFG. When Shannen's all, "Who is this bald crooner?", Brian explains that he played Donna's abusive boyfriend in Seasons 5 and 6 who got so enraged that he shoved her stunt double down a flight of stairs during the Season 5 finale. Tori says she's pretty sure he's the stalker - just as Jaime spots them in the crowd and lets out a funny sounding guffaw.
After the commercial break, Jaime ambles over and is all, "Whassup?" and they're like, "Whassup is that we all think you mailed each of us a mutilated doll version of ourselves and then set fire to the 90210 reboot sets." He stares back at them blankly and says he has no idea what in the hell they're talking about...and that playing Ray Pruit caused his acting and music career to fizzle, so he decided 'why not become a fireman?' He snarkishly adds, "I put out fires, I don't start them" and asks why they'd accuse him of arson and doll mutilation, so Tori says she came to the conclusion, without a scrap of evidence, that he was the culprit 'cause surely he'd want revenge, some twenty years later, for all the hate mail he got for abusing America's sweetheart. Jaime concurs that the role pretty much pooched his showbiz career...and Ian makes a face and snidely remarks, "You don't think it had something to do with that song?" Bwahaha! Jaime assures everyone that he's delighted with his life choice to become a fireman - just as Jason FaceTimes the gang to inform them that police have just arrested the firestarter.
Everyone rushes over to the nearest television set, where the entertainment news anchor is reporting that the chubby weirdo who bought Donna's poofy red dress and self-identified as a demented Beverly Hills, 90210 fan was just placed under arrest for setting the 90210 sets ablaze. Tori apologizes to Jaime for lobbing unfounded accusations against him just now, and he smirkingly says he has an idea how they can make it up to him. In the next scene, the 90210 gang joins him on stage so they can all sing horribly and out of tune together...and the dismayed audience exchanges WTF? glances about what they're being subjected to.
Back on the set!
Tori asks Jennie whassup with all the canoodling she's been doing with her bodyguard, and Jennie blushingly says she's having the time of her life and that the sex is sextacular. Tori says she's back to feeling nervous about having to film a love scene with Brian, not least 'cause he was her first, real life lover. Jennie points out that filming 90210 reboot scenes isn't real life, but rather fake...then tweaks Tori's surgically enhanced hooters and chirps, "Like these!" and rushes back inside her trailer. Fuck she's gotten weird.
Brian tells Zach he was a mere lad when he raw dogged it with his mom, a former extra on Beverly Hills, 90210. He tells Zach he can call him dad if he wants - but Zach makes an ick face and says he'd feel weird calling someone dad when he didn't actually raise him.
Gabrielle drops by Christine's office to tell her that while she doesn't regret the two of them hitting the sheets, she's still wringing her hands about not yet being ready to report it on a consent form. Just sign the damn thing, idiot.
Jason is attempting to direct the bedroom scene between Tori and Brian - but Tori gets all jittery about being bare-armed while laying under a large comforter, and complains about how the cameras aren't adequately capturing her good side. Jason assures her that all her sides look pretty much the same - but she decides she's waaaaaay too self-conscious to be in front of a camera today, flees the set wrapped up in the comforter, and says they're going to have to reschedule.
Over by the food table, Tori apologizes to Brian for fleeing their bedroom scene just now, but insists that she really wants it to be perfect. He's like, "Whatever, I don't care" and assures her that his recent mopeyiness has absolutely nothing to do with her. He then ambles over to where Shannen is sitting on the front steps of her trailer and collapses against her in a hug while Tori looks on jealously.
Inside Shannen's trailer, Brian tells Shannen about Zach being his son and that he's a big jerk for telling him he could call him dad. Shannen tells him not to beat himself up about it, and that he can tell people about his newly discovered son whenever the time is right.
Ian shows up for an after work drink date with Anna, and is irked to see that Jennie and Wyatt are also sitting at the table with their tongues down each other's throat. Ian gabbles about how supportive he is of Anna's fledgling writing career, and Jennie's all, "Hmm.." and continues contorting her freakish duck lips in what's become her usual puzzling fashion.
On the way to the restroom, Ian tells Jennie he loves seeing her acting so girlish and in love - but that he hopes she isn't falling back into her usual destructive patterns. She urges him to focus on his budding romance with the talentless writer he was butting heads with not that long ago, then gives him a hug and a kiss.
In the hair and makeup trailer, Tori is once again bellyaching about having to film her bedroom scene with Brian, so Gabrielle urges her to hire an intimacy coordinator so that there's someone to ensure that the boundaries are clear and that everyone is comfortable on set. Tori says she likes the idea, but is concerned that Jason won't be receptive to it...which leads to some bitching from Shannen and Jennie about what a shitty director Jason has been on the reboot thus far.
Jennie drops by Jason's office to tell him that everyone is feeling the negative energy he's putting out and that he needs to fix it asap...and Jason grumpily retorts that he's thinking seriously of leaving Camille 'cause he'd rather not raise another man's child. Jennie breezily tells him not to be dramatic, chides him for having such a "prehistoric" world view, then points out that Camille really really needs him right now.
Tori introduces Jason to Melanie, her intimacy coordinator. Jason glares at the short bespectacled woman, sourly refers to intimacy coordinating as "a time suck", then barks at Tori to get her ass to the bedroom set, where Brian is waiting.
During the bedroom scene filming, Melanie interrupts several times, and chides Brian for unwittingly brushing his hand against Tori's surgically enhanced hooters. After multiple interrupted takes, a fed up Tori shrieks, "I can't do this! It's like The Handmaid's Tale!" - and a weary Jason announces that they're breaking for lunch.
Anna bitches to Ian about all the unnecessary rewrites Jason is making her do...and Ian explains that Jason is extra grouchy 'cause he's having marital/'I'm not the baby daddy' problems. Anna gazes lovingly at Ian and says she really likes hanging out with him, leans in for a kiss, then informs him that before this chemistry-free hookup progresses any further, they're each going to need to sign a consent form.
Ian complains to his cast mates about having to sign a consent form before embarking on an ill-fated romance, and Gabrielle says she was just asked to sign one...and adds, as if anyone could possibly give a rat's ass, that her recent bedmate wasn't a he. Shannen flatly declares, "You're gay" and Gabrielle wails, "I don't know what I am!" LOL. Brian says he's so inspired by her half-hearted, 'maybe gay..?' declaration that he announces that Weirdo Zach is his biological son. Everyone's all, "Wha-a-a-a?", and Tori gives Zach a hug and tells him he's soooo lucky to have Brian as a dad.
Tori and Brian make a third and final attempt to film their bedroom scene...and when they get into some [fake] heavy action, Tori is delighted when the on-screen canoodling results in an unmistakable boner. Jason's like, "Cut!" and wryly adds, "Only forty-six more scenes to go." Yikes. Jennie sees a call coming through on Jason's cell phone, takes it upon herself to answer it, and urgently informs Jason that Camille is on her way to the hospital 'cause of some pregnancy complication. Jason beats a hasty retreat from the set...and Jennie stares wistfully after him even after Wyatt invites her out for dinner and a drive.
Gabrielle chit-chats with a man who tells her he's investigating the arson. After Gabrielle ambles off, the investigator spots Zach drop his water bottle in the trash...then carefully collects it afterward for what I'll assume is DNA evidence.
Shannen encounter's Tori's pet rooster, allows it to hop into the back seat of her car, then drives off with it. Not sure to where or why she'd abscond with it...or why the writers decided to end the episode with that, but OK.