Recap: In a hallway at West Beverly High, Steve is telling Brandon that spring is in the air and it's making him very horny...and to illustrate his horniness, he takes a few whiffs and declares that nature is turning him into a total dog. A few seconds later, he sees the object of his wet dreams: actress Sharon Case from The Young and the Restless, who also had a small role in the god-awful Matthew Perry episode. Steve and Brandon just kind of stare at her with their tongues hanging out, and Steve says she's the hottest girl in school. She is pretty dreamy looking, I'll give them that. She walks past Steve and Brandon, and when Steve says hello to her, she gives him a friendly hello back. Steve announces to Brandon that he wants to ask her to the spring dance, and then take to her back the hotel room he already has booked for the night. Presumptuous much, Steve?
In the school's DJ booth, David Silver is announcing the four finalists nominated to be Spring Princesses. One of the nominees is Kelly, and she's super thrilled. She excitedly hugs Brenda and Donna.
The Blaze newsroom. Ahn-drea tells Brandon that this is the first time she's been quasi-friends with a Spring Princess, and asks him if he thinks Kelly will win and be crowned Spring Queen. Brandon's response is a blank stare, and then a remark about how he's never actually given it a moment's thought. Ahn-drea then starts a fishing expedition and asks Brandon if he's going to the spring dance. He says he isn't, and so she tells him that she's not going either. He adds that he hates dancing because he has no sense of rhythm. Amen to that. Season 1 is filled with far too many of Brandon's attempts at dancing, and he's damn straight about the no rhythm thing. Ahn-drea starts rapid-babbling about her numerous philosophical objections to school dances and pretty much anything fun...and as usual she's so fucking incoherent that Brandon's face goes blank again. I have no idea how he can stand to spend so much time hanging out in The Blaze newsroom with such a neurotic fussbudget.
Steve encounters Sharon Case in the hallway again and points out how the two of them like to say "hi" to each other a lot. During this interaction she acts like she barely knows him, but says "hi" again, and starts to walk away. Steve stops her, tells her she's gorgeous, and asks her out to dinner and to the spring dance. She asks if they'd be going in his car, he answers yes, and she tells him she doesn't "do vets". With no dignity left to lose, Steve calls after her and says he's willing to rent any kind of vehicle: a Jag, a Porsche, a Minivan. But it's futile. Sharon Case keeps on walking down the hall...never to be seen on Beverly Hills, 90210 again.
Brenda runs into Ahn-drea and asks if he asked her...or if she asked him. Since Ahn-drea's answer to both questions is no, I'll have to assume they're talking about Brandon and the spring dance. Brenda tells her there's nothing wrong with a girl asking out a guy, which is certainly true - however, there's really no point to a girl asking out a guy if he's not into her, could never be into her, and never will never be into her the same way she's into him. Ever. Ahn-drea glosses over her disappointment and tells Brenda that school dances aren't her thing, and that maybe Brandon will just come over to her place and hang out or watch a movie. But then, during a rare reality check, Ahn-drea acknowledges that if Brandon had wanted to ask her to the dance, he would have asked her to the dance. Exactly! Amen! Hallelujah! Ahn-drea breaks off the awkward conversation and wishes Brenda a fun time at the dance, and then rushes off to catch her bus home.
The Peach Pit. Kelly enters the diner to speak privately with Brandon. She asks him if he has a date for the spring dance, and he says he doesn't, and she tells him she doesn't either. He's surprised by her dateless status, so she explains that she's slept her way through every acceptably cute guy within a fifty mile radius, and he's the only date-worthy guy she hasn't hit the sack with yet. Therefore, she wants him to accompany her to the spring dance. He tells Kelly that he really wasn't planning on going, but she promises they'll have fun and that she'll show him a good time...and to give him a preview, she takes his hand in hers and strokes it suggestively. Steve suddenly appears out of nowhere and witnesses this finger fondling. He tells Kelly he heard that she's dateless for the spring dance, but she quickly corrects him and tells him she's going with Brandon...and Steve looks stricken and nauseated. Brandon inquires about Sharon Case, so Steve has to admit that she turned him down in the most humiliating way possible. Kelly helpfully offers up Donna as a potential date for Steve so the four of them can go to the dance as friends. Actually, there would be six of them if they count Dylan and Brenda. Steve perks up at the implied platonic-ness of Brandon's date with Kelly and agrees to invite Donna...but expresses his hope that she won't "expect anything". Kelly snarks, "You should be so lucky." Of course, no one yet knows that Donna will soon cling to her sainted virginal status for a very looong time...and that it will drag on and on interminably throughout the series.
West Beverly High. Steve asks Donna to go to the spring dance with him, strongly emphasizing that it will be purely platonic. In other words, no sexy party in a hotel room afterwards. Donna stammers that she supposes she guesses she could maybe go with him... possibly. Her enthusiasm is underwhelming to say the least.
After class, Kelly announces to Brandon that they will be going to a fabulous restaurant prior to the spring dance. She'll pay for that, but he's going to need to pony up for the rental of his tuxedo, a lovely and tasteful corsage for her, and a limousine. She is, after all, a Spring Princess and can't be seen arriving in his shitty Melvin car...though what she meant to say was she cannot be seen arriving in his shitty Mondale car. Brandon looks annoyed and tells her he can't afford a limo and then stalks out of the classroom. Kelly follows him and backpedals, telling him it's fine because Dylan is probably going to cover the cost of the limo. Ahn-drea sees the two of them talking and comes over to congratulate Kelly on being nominated a Spring Princess. She then asks Brandon what time he wants to come over on Saturday night. Uh oh. Awkward. Brandon stammers that he's decided to go to the dance after all. As Ahn-drea's lower lip quivers, she asks, "With who?" and her face visibly deflates when Kelly giggles, puts her arms around Brandon, and chirps about what a great couple they make. Brandon suggests to Ahn-drea that they rent a movie some other night, and she fights off tears and tightly responds, "Right, Brandon." She takes off down the hall, suppressing the overwhelming need to weep uncontrollably, and Brandon looks worried that he has hurt her feelings while Kelly just stands there wincing.
The Blaze newsroom. Ahn-drea tries very hard to keep her tear-stained eyes averted from Brandon, who finally walks over to where she's working. He attempts to explain himself, telling Ahn-drea that he didn't think she even wanted to go to the spring dance...and she tells him she thought he didn't want to go. Good grief. He explains that he's really just going as a favor to Kelly, and Ahn-drea sarcastically snarks that that's very charitable of him, and that Kelly is one of the most gorgeous girls in school, so of course he couldn't turn her down. Brandon stupidly asks her why she's so mad at him, and she breezily retorts, "Don't flatter yourself." He's not flattering himself, dumbass. You're flattering him with the broken heart that's on your sleeve, in full view for everyone to see and cringe at. She then starts babbling about some news story on kickboxing he had agreed to write for The Blaze, and he tells her he'll have it done by lunch. And since Brandon is now starting to realize that Ahn-drea is incapable of having a conversation that isn't tainted by her ridiculous, childish, and unwarranted jealousy, he quietly walks away.
Tuxedo rental store. Brandon looks fantastic in his tuxedo, and Steve and Dylan think he does as well. Steve starts bellyaching about how pricey it is to take a girl to the spring dance. By the time he pays for dinner, a tuxedo, corsage, and a hotel room, he's out $500. I'm not sure why Steve is still factoring in a hotel room when his date for the evening is Donna. Steve claims that for $500 he could get the finest call-girl in L.A., which I doubt is actually true - even in 1991 dollars - but I'm not going to quibble the point because Steve is very out-of-control horny and in desperate need of a sure thing. And since he's constantly striking out with girls his own age, maybe he should pursue hiring a hooker and finally get his rocks off. Steve stupidly mentions how Dylan and Brenda will be in a hotel room together on the night of the spring dance, and this of course icks Brandon out. Brandon asks Dylan if this is true, and Dylan is deliberately vague and says he doesn't talk about "that stuff". Brandon tells him he needs to keep it that way, and I couldn't agree more. Steve still has lingering suspicions about Brandon and Kelly and asks Brandon if he's planning to get a room in which he can doink Kelly...but once more Brandon tells him that they're only going to the dance as friends. Steve looks doubtful and says that he can tell that Kelly has a thing for him. And what Kelly wants, Kelly gets.
Rodeo Drive. Kelly and Brenda are shopping for dresses to wear to the spring dance. They're searching different racks when, in a rare shopping miracle, they pick out a dress at the exact same time, and it's the exact same dress! It's black, about knee length and has a wide pleated white thing across the top with a large bow on it. It's obvious that they both want to buy the dress, but neither is willing to admit it. Kelly calls it cheap and tacky and offers to let Brenda buy it - hee! - and Brenda then tells Kelly that she can buy it. Neither takes the other up on their offer, and so the issue is unresolved. Donna steps out of the fitting room looking like Scarlett O'Hara in a frilly, red, off-the-shoulder frock that has a gigantic hoop skirt. It's completely impractical to wear anywhere outside of the store...so no doubt this is what Donna will chose for the dance. Kelly calls it "outrageous", which must be her diplomatic way of saying "hideous".
The Walsh house. Dylan, Kelly, Donna, and Steve arrive with the limo to round up Brandon and Brenda. Donna can barely fit through the front door in her stupid hoop skirt dress, and Kelly is wearing the "cheap and tacky" dress she told Brenda she wasn't going to buy. Brandon presents Kelly with a lovely wrist corsage, and she pins a vegetable corsage made of radishes on the lapel of his tux. I've never heard of a vegetable corsage. Was this actually something the kids were doing in the early '90s? Steve produces a flask filled with alcohol, and Brandon snipes at him to hide it so Mama and Papa Walsh don't see it and suddenly divert this episode into a lesson on the perils of underage drinking. Mama Walsh comes into the foyer and gasps at the sight of Kelly...because a few seconds later, Brenda makes her grand entrance wearing the very same dress. Oh no! Brenda and Kelly march into the kitchen together. Kelly is particularly mortified that people will think the two of them planned to go to the dance looking like the Bobbsey Twins. As a Spring Princess, she feels entitled to wear the dress of her choice, but Brenda retorts that she doesn't give a damn about Kelly being Spring Princess. In fact, she wants Kelly to change into a different outfit, which really isn't a practical suggestion considering that the entire group is already at the Walsh house. The simplest solution would be for Brenda to go back upstairs and find something different to wear, but this would entail flexibility, compromise, and a friendly disposition. Papa Walsh comes into the kitchen to break up the argument and remarks that they both look like a gorgeous version of the Bobbsey Twins before snapping their photo.
Ahn-drea is sitting home alone like the big loser she is. She's wearing sweats, watching Prom Nightmare, and is loading up on popcorn and ice-cream.
Spring dance. The limousine pulls up to the hotel and everyone spills out of it. Kelly is mad at a drunken Steve and calls him a jerk. Donna flashes her crotch for all to see while exiting the limo in her cumbersome Gone With the Wind frock. Steve calls the outfit a "dance don't". It's just a don't, period. Brenda is still fuming about Kelly wearing the same dress that she's wearing and whines to Dylan that Kelly is acting like this is her night. Dylan assures Brenda that it's their night...and to emphasize their impending rendezvous, he dangles a hotel room key in front of her face, which placates her. She kisses him.
As soon as they arrive at the dance, Kelly tells Brandon she wants to hit the dance floor, but Brandon tells her he doesn't dance and suggests she dance with Steve, who snarls, "Forget it." This forces Brandon to make us all suffer through watching him boogie with Miss Spring Princess. Donna timidly asks Steve to dance, and he irritably responds with, "Maybe later." What a lousy, stupid date he is.
David and Scott are sitting at a table together. David is yammering about his lustful feelings for Kelly yet again, and bets Scott $20 that she'll dance with him before the night is over. Scott tells him he's crazy, and I have to wonder how sick he is of him and David having the same bloody conversation over and over again. No wonder he shoots himself next season.
While slow dancing with Brenda, Dylan suggests that the two of them slip out for their doinkfest in about fifteen minutes. Brenda tells him she's nervous...that because they've been building it up for so long, he might be disappointed. But Dylan assures her that he loves her, and that their tryst can't possibly go wrong because he's certain that his genitals will thoroughly enjoy her genitals. That said, the two love-birds sneak away for a private sex romp.
As Kelly slow dances with Brandon, she compliments his ability to sway to the music. She also confesses that she has found him to be very cute ever since he moved to Beverly Hills, and Brandon tells her the feeling is mutual. Kelly then asks what's been stopping them from hooking up, and after some nervous laughter and exploratory tongue action, Brandon decides that she's too familiar and asexual to him...like a sister. Ouch. Steve, who's been creepily watching the two of them interact on the dance floor, suddenly intrudes. Kelly tells him to get lost, and Steve warns Brandon that Kelly is only pretending to care about him, but really just cares about herself. Kelly barks at Steve to sober up, and Brandon yells at him for behaving like a jerk all evening. Steve tells Brandon that he doesn't feel like he's a friend to him anymore and storms off. Brandon chases after him, wanting to know why he's been acting like such a horse's ass lately. It turns out that today is Steve's birthday and no one remembered his special day, especially Kelly. Also, he was recently told by his parents that he was adopted and is still very distraught about it. He confided this revelation to Kelly back when they were dating...but now that they've broken up, she didn't remember to wish him a Happy Birthday, nor did she or use the occasion to express her condolences regarding his adoption. These sound to me like two separate issues, but sometimes the thought processes that grind away inside Steve's tiny brain can get a little muddled.
On the stage, David is announcing the winner of the title of Spring Queen...and to no one's surprise, the winner is Kelly! Amid the enthusiastic applause, she sits on a throne and is crowned. Some random guy named Brad Philips is named Spring King. That title sounds funny. David then announces that there will be a dance contest, and the couple with the "slickest moves" will have the honor of dancing the last dance with the Spring Queen and King. That's a dumb prize. Wouldn't most people want to dance the last dance with their dates?
Hotel room. Dylan and Brenda step inside a lovely hotel room, and she tells him she's lucky to be having sex for the first time with someone she loves. He then hoists her up as though she's a sack of flour, sets her back down, and the two kiss amorously. Weird.
Ahn-drea's house. Ahn-drea is still watching Prom Nightmare and imagines herself as the psycho killer, maniacally wielding a chainsaw as she whines to Brandon that he said he liked her. Alarmed that this is what her obnoxious personality disorders might one day drive her to, she abruptly turns off the TV and asks her mother if she can borrow her evening gown.
Brandon pays Kelly a visit while she's perched on her royal throne. He tells her to go talk to Steve, but she doesn't want to. He reminds her that it's Steve's birthday, and that since he's being a big baby about it, she really should go comfort him. Kelly had completely forgotten about it being Steve's special day, as well as his adopted status, so she temporarily leaves her throne to go find him.
David is groovin' to the beat on the dance floor, and Donna can't manage to sit down in her giant hoop dress.
Kelly finds Steve sulking in the back room. She apologizes about forgetting about his birthday and not being on hand to discuss his adoption. He tells her he doesn't need her sympathy, though he so obviously does need it, because if he really didn't need it, he'd be chillin' out, enjoying the spring dance like a mature birthday boy. He starts whining about how he had confided in her, and how it seems like they're no longer friends. He calls her self-centered, spoiled and thoughtless...and because they both had crappy childhoods, he labels himself and her 'defective'. He even brings up Jackie's drinking and drugging, which is kind of a low blow because as far as we know, Jackie was successfully rehabilitated shortly after the Perfect Mom episode. He also criticizes Kelly's relationship with her deadbeat but rich father, whose parenting consists of sending checks. By now Kelly is crying, and she accuses him of ruining her night. He tells her that's not what he intended, but he wants to know that she cares about him...and apparently thought the best way to bring this about would be to repeatedly insult her and both of her parents. Unfortunately, though, this conversation has upset Kelly so much that she tells Steve "deep down" he's a jerk, and then rushes back to her throne to continue presiding over the spring dance.
David is still on the floor, dancing...and by dancing I mean that he's bopping around while hunched over, flailing his arms around uncontrollably. Somehow he's still in the running to win the last dance with Spring Queen Kelly.
A checkered cab pulls up to the hotel where the spring dance is being held, and Ahn-drea steps out wearing an appalling gown with some scary cleavage and the poofiest sleeves I've ever seen on a pair of arms. She enters the dance and makes a beeline toward Brandon, who looks happy and surprised to see her. She tells him she feels foolish for coming - no doubt because of that monstrous frock she's wearing - and then starts babbling in her usual incoherent manner about not wanting to become a deranged ax murderer, and also that she doesn't want to wake up in ten years to realize that she missed out on her high school experience. Please. Anyone who thinks that deeply about their high school experience ten years after they graduated is in serious need of a life. In my opinion, the older one gets, the fainter the high school memories should become. Brandon tells Ahn-drea she looks gorgeous and gives her a chaste kiss on the forehead.
Only four couples remain on the dance floor, and Donna's hoop skirt is still preventing her from being able to sit her ass on a chair.
Hotel room. Dylan and Brenda are all doinked out, and are putting their clothes back on. Dylan remarks to Brenda that she's glowing, and she retorts that he has a goofy grin that's going to make people talk. Ew and ew.
Things on the dance floor are heating up. David is channeling John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever as he flails about and lunges into half splits. Applause determines the winners - and David, along with his random date, easily win the contest.
Brenda congratulates Kelly for being appointed Spring Queen. Kelly wants to know where she's been all night and why she looks so "disgustingly happy". One grin from Brenda is all Kelly needs to realize that her friend's cherry has been popped. The two girls giggle and hug...and the drama of wearing the same cheap, tacky dress is forgiven and forgotten.
Last dance. Everyone is back on the floor. Kelly has to dance with David to fulfill her duties as Spring Queen. She snipes at him to not hold her so close, and he tells her that she smells as good as he imagined her smelling. Brandon asks Ahn-drea and her poofy sleeves to dance, and all three happily accept. Goddamn but that dress is fugly. As they dance, she asks him if he thinks she's a geek for coming to the dance alone. If only Ahn-drea could realize that coming to a dance alone is the least of her many deficiencies. Brandon deftly cracks a benign joke about how they never get a chance to dance in The Blaze newsroom. Good deflection, Brando.
Steve cuts in on David and Kelly, which unfairly cheats David out of his contest prize, but whatever. Steve tells Kelly that he's sorry about acting such a douchetard earlier, but that he still loves her and knows deep down she loves him too...albeit in a completely platonic, non-sexual, passionless way.
Across the room, Donna is looking sad and dejected in her giant red dress. Kelly notices her and asks Steve if he has asked Donna to dance even once this evening. Of course he hasn't, so Kelly drags Donna onto the dance floor with her and Steve. Brandon and Ahn-drea also join the group...and Kelly inexplicably tells Ahn-drea that she looks gorgeous and places the Spring Queen crown on her head. Dylan and Brenda also appear, and deny that they left the dance in order to sex it up in a hotel room. Everyone agrees that this has been a strange night, and they cap off the evening by laughing heartily and dancing together in one big circle.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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