Recap: '2019 Steve' enters the Peach Pit and encounters '2019 Steve in a mullet wig' to make himself look like '1992 Steve'. He tells his wigged "young" self he jumped through time to give him a few pieces of advice: 1) Cut the hair, 'cause donning a 'fro bedecked mullet is no way to go through life, 2) Stop wearing crop tops, 'cause yeech ... and then holds up the legacy key from Season 3 and 3) urges him to "pay it forward". A few seconds later, Ian Ziering wakes up in present day BH90210 world - just as the opening credits start to roll. Da na na na, da na na na, cha cha...
At the wrap party on the Peach Pit set, Christine interrupts everyone's excited, post-pilot klatching to tell them they're going to have to sit around for much of this episode and wait to see if the show gets picked up. If it does [spoiler: it does], they'll all jet to New York at the end of the hour to celebrate the demented decision by Fox to not humanely allow Beverly Hills, 90210 to slip back into the annals of TV history and, for the love of all that is holy, stay there.
Amid all the partying, drinking, and dancing, Tori tells Jennie and Gabrielle she doesn't think it's even a question that their awesome reboot will get picked up - but then acknowledges that it's mostly wishful thinking on her part 'cause of how desperate she is for a regular pay check. What a dumbfuck of a financial mess this woman is. Gabrielle, meanwhile, says she's not sure she wants to throw away 30+ years of marriage so she can explore "new discoveries", then beams flirtily at Christine Elise, who gazes back at her from across the room. Jennie and Tori gasp and are all, "Seriously?!" You're doinking Max Headroom?!"
Zach tells Brian he was delighted to get an invitation to the wrap party, then scrunches his face into his usual hangdog expression and asks if his unwelcome presence is what's keeping Shay away. Brian explains that since Shay is well aware of how much her star power tends to "suck the oxygen out of the room", she purposely stayed away so that her husband could fully enjoy his five minutes of recycled '90s fame.
Kyler is bitching to Kelly again about only having one line in the pilot, and Kelly reminds her she's lucky to have a showbiz mom whose connections made it possible for a talentless nobody such as herself to be cast as a one-line-delivering guest star.
Ian tells Brian that Anna isn't interested in getting serious with him, and he's bummed about it 'cause he really really wants to have a family. Like 'real life Ian Ziering' does.
Shannen listens to Kyler bitch and moan about having to hang around the set for hours just so she'd be on hand to deliver her sole line, OMFG. Shannen, who refrains from pointing out how lucky she is to have even gotten the opportunity to be cast in a 90210 reboot, benignly says, "It's all part of paying your dues." Brian ambles over and regales them with "the red dress story", aka the time Jennie, Shannen, and Tori showed up at some party (coincidentally) dressed in red and then got into a vicious three-way fight about it - just as Jennie and Wyatt walk by. Jennie stares blankly into space and says she has no memory of that whatsoever.
Tori and Nate return home - just as the power unexpectedly goes out. Tori asks him if he remembered to pay the electricity bill, and he just stares dumbly into space and goes, "I dunno", then whines about how she hasn't been around much to help out. He should maybe get in touch with the local utilities company and see about setting up an automatic withdrawal payment system.
Tori natters to Jennie about how stressed she is, not knowing if the 90210 reboot is going to get picked up. Jennie contorts her weird duck lips and says she's keeping her fingers crossed that the dumb thing doesn't get picked up, 'cause she's not interested in getting bossed around by director Jason Priestly for the foreseeable future. Tori smiles knowingly and tells her to stop pretending to be so put off by Jason, and Jennie blushingly chides her for "seeing something that isn't there". Kyler comes downstairs after trying to put Tori's youngest brat to bed and exchanges bitchy barbs with her mom...blah blah...my brain has begun to tune out their relentlessly tedious snipefests.
Shay tells Brian she asked her PI to sneakily test Zach's DNA to see if he's really the spawn of Brian and the random Beverly Hills, 90210 extra he stupidly raw dogged it with...and it turns out, nope, she must also have hit the sack with someone else nine months before the weirdo was born. Brian gets prickly at Shay for doing all this behind his back and nonsensically accuses her of "ruining this" for him 'cause it was something she "couldn't control". As Shay scrunches her face confusedly and is all, "The fuck?", Brian bitchily storms out of the room.
Tori calls Christine to see if there's any word about Fox picking up the reboot, and Christine tells her that the network is currently performing audience testing. Tori says she'd looooove to see those reports, but Christine says the comments are extremely critical and would be too hurtful for her or the cast members to read, then abruptly ends the call.
Ian tells Anna he's an old fashioned type guy who really hates the "no strings attached" condition she's put on their relationship. Anna shrugs helplessly and says it's the best she can do on account of her aversion to dating actors...her mom being one and all. She tells him she'd still like to hook up every now and again, and Ian glumly says he appreciates her honesty.
Tori sneakily gets the audience test results from Christine's assistant, who emails the report to all of the cast members. The camera pans to each of them as they bewilderedly pore over the mostly negative feedback: Tori is too polarizing [and three miles of bad road to look at with all that botched plastic surgery], Jennie is middle-aged and depressing [not to mention just plain weird], and someone detected above-disturbing levels of sexual chemistry between Shannen and Jason.
On the Peach Pit set, the 90210 gang is discussing all the shitty feedback they received, when Christine enters the room and snarkishly says they should less concerned with the blistering comments from viewers than about creating buzz. A few seconds later, a horde of Beverly Hills, 90210 fans stream into the Peach Pit to squeal over their aging idols and pose with them for photos. Kyler sits at the counter and pouts yet again about her tiny role on the reboot, then fiddles with her phone and snarkishly tells Jennie she's busy trying out a meditation app that Shannen likes to use.
Tori, who's decked out in a triple layer of fashion awfulness that would have made Carrie Bradshaw blanch - a frilly white blouse underneath a pink corset with three large black bows sewn across the front - complains to Brian about how unappreciative of her her whiny little bitch of a husband is. Brian, in turn, complains that Shay doesn't appreciate him (not sure how he's concluded that) ... and then the two concur that they (Brian and Tori) appreciate each other.
Shannen arrives late to the fan horde event covered in blood, and explains that after witnessing the hit and run of a possum, she sprang out of her car to perform the necessary life-saving measures to prevent it from becoming roadkill. She notices Jennie's derisive eye rolling and sanctimoniously says, "All animals deserve rescuing" and Kyler shoots her mother the stink-eye while gazing admiringly at Shannen.
Brian confronts Zach about lying about him being his bio dad, and Zach stares back at him in bewildered shock and insists that his mom was a random extra on Beverly Hills, 90210. Brian snaps, "DNA results don't lie!" and Zach says that all he knows is that his mom has repeatedly claimed that he's his bio dad.
Nate drops off one of the kids for Tori to watch while he meets up with someone to discuss a potential book deal. Tori poutishly tells him she's disappointed that he's not staying at the fan horde event to be supportive of her, and he's all, "I couldn't give the tiniest of rat's asses 'bout that. Have fun looking after our brat."
Following the fan horde event, Christine tells the 90210 gang that whatever happens, she enjoyed working with them...then says there's currently only one more available slot on Fox - meaning that they're competing with The O.C. reboot. Good grief, network TV executives. Is no one capable of producing fresh, original content anymore? Christine says it doesn't look good for their show, and Brian sadly wonders aloud if this is the last time they'll all be together at "the Peach Pit". Fingers crossed, Bri. He then perks up and invites everyone to attend a barbecue at his place, where they can eat, drink, and sit around all morose-like.
Shay cheerfully tells Brian that the barbecue set-up is going swimmingly...and when he just frowns and grunts something unintelligible at her, she explains that the reason she hired a PI to look into Zach was her way of protecting her family. She then says she's growing tired of his nonsensically bitchy 'tude towards her, and stomps off.
While vacationing in the Caribbean, Camille tells Jason that their marriage has been sucky from the get-go, and that they should put an immediate end to this chemistry-free charade. She thanks him for trying as hard as he pretended to, and says she hopes she can remain his friend and publicist.
Brian tells Shannen he knows that continuing to snark at Shay is "shooting the messenger" - but insists that Zach deserves a father. Shannen smiles approvingly and replies, "Then be one" and urges him to follow his heart, regardless of biology...common sense, or logic.
Wyatt shows Jennie the JG tattoo he just got on his chest...and she reacts by freaking out and hastily fleeing the area.
Jennie guzzles a big glass of wine and tells Gabrielle about the initials Wyatt got tattooed on his chest. Gabrielle looks aghast and urges her to dump him asap - just as Fox announces that it's decided to pick up BH90210. They're all, "Hurray!" and raise their glasses in a toast.
Shannen is trying to meditate away her stress about flying to New York when the visual of Brenda and Brandon getting it on in Brenda's Walsh house bedroom pops into her head. She's all, "Ack!" and forces herself to visualize herself sitting in a pretty forest, chatting with a beautiful owl.
Upon arrival in New York, Gabrielle introduces her cuckolded husband to Christine, and he knowingly clucks, "Mmm hmm.." before nodding a polite hello at her.
Denise Richards shows up at the 90210 kick-off party, greets Ian Ziering, and congratulates him on helping resurrect Aaron Spelling's '90s masterpiece.
Brian tells Zach that the DNA results don't matter...and that until he figures out who his bio dad is, he's A-OK with being a father figure to him. Zach's like, "Er, OK" and hugs his new faux dad.
Nate tells Tori he's proud of her valiant efforts to continue riding on the coattails of her overplayed Beverly Hills, 90210 fame, then grumbles about how jealous he is and considers himself a big, dumb loser in the Successful Hollywood Man category. As well he should. Tori reminds him that she's doing all of this for them, then gives him a pity smooch.
Brian updates Jason on the Zach/Bio Dad Situation and shows him a photo of the random Beverly Hills, 90210 extra he slept with. Jason stares at the photo and suddenly contorts his face into a shocked expression...giving viewers the impression that Brian wasn't the only cast member who this extra rode the baloney pony with.
Ian and Denise Richards sneak upstairs to a vacant hotel room and tumble atop the bed. She recalls that playing Kelly's cousin during the Season 2 finale was one of her first acting jobs...and Ian murmurs, "Really? That's fascinating.." as they continue to get it on.
Gabrielle confesses to her husband that the Max Headroom chick she introduced him to earlier is the one she's been exploring her out-of-left-field lesbian urges with. He says he figured that out immediately, is less concerned about that than he'd be if she'd gotten boned by another man, but says he doesn't know how much longer he wants to deal with her sexual confusion.
Jason tells Jennie that he and Camille are calling it quits, and she says that she and Wyatt did the same. He remarks on how much work she is, and she purrs, "But I'm woooorth the effort" as the two stare hungrily at each other.
Denise Richards tells Ian she's glad they got together for an impromptu doink - just as Anna bounds over and gets introduced to him as Denise's daughter. Ick.
Tori, Jennie, and Shannen show up at the Fox kick-off event and stare at each other in horror when they realize they're all "coincidentally" dressed in red. Before that situation can quickly spiral into a superfluous cat fight, Christine sweeps into the room and announces that they're going to have to re-shoot the reboot pilot...and that since the network is strapped for cash, they'll have to film the thing in Canada - but with only six (not seven) members of the original cast. With that clusterfuckish turn of events looming over their heads, the befuddled rebooted 90210 cast is brought on stage and presented to the live New York audience.
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