Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 9, Episode 11

"In closing, I encourage each and every one of you to get out there and deceive as many unsuspecting women as you possibly can."

"How To Be the Jerk Women Love"
Original airdate: 1/13/1999

Episode summary: Gina discovers that Dylan is doing heroin and orders him to quit immediately. Kelly and Matt decide they're a full-on couple and hit the sheets. Steve teaches The Art of the Pick-up to a group of hapless men.

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Recap: Gina and Dylan are sitting at a table in the After Dark, sucking face and doing some kind of weird role-play, pretending as though they just met each other for the first time. Gina suddenly gets cold and puts on Dylan's jacket, and is aghast when she finds a bag o' heroin in one of the pockets. David, meanwhile, is in his DJ booth, gabbling about what a date-less loser he is and invites his listeners to call him with suggestions as to how he can meet Ms. Right. That's...pretty fucking pathetic, Davey. Janet complains to Steve, Donna, and Noah about how pushy some men are when they're hitting on girls, and Noah explains that it's sometimes hard for guys to make the first move. A few seconds later, they all notice Gina storming out of the club and Dylan running out after her, and quietly mull over that spectacle. Apropos of nothing, Steve declares that he's mastered "the art of the pick-up" and brags that he could practically teach a class in it. Noah jokes that that dumb idea sounds like it could be a money-maker...and Steve perks up and goes, "It does, doesn't it?" No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't.

The Walsh house. After a sumptuous dinner, Kelly tells Matt how impressed she is with his cooking skills, then gives him a long smooch. He tries to usher her upstairs - but she looks uneasy and says it's still weird for her to be all canoodley at Casa Walsh with someone who's not Brandon. She begs him not to hate her...and he assures her he doesn't, then announces that he's going to put on a pot of coffee.

​Dylan finds Gina sitting on his stoop looking sad. She tells him she has zero desire to date a druggie...and he mumbles something incoherent, then pulls out the bag o' heroin from his pocket. He says that part of him is glad she found it and urges her to follow him into the bathroom, where he empties the heroin down the toilet and flushes it away. Gina buys his horseshit and beams happily as he envelops her in a hug.

Beach house. Kelly is gabbling to Donna about how bad she feels that Matt has to deal with her obnoxious love triangle, Dylan/Brandon baggage, when Gina bursts in and remarks on all the traffic she encountered while driving home from Dylan's place. As Kelly scrunches her face in jealous annoyance, Donna defuses the situation by urging her to go see Matt and quickly shoves her out the door. She then directs her attention to Gina and reminds her that they haven't had a chance to debrief since she blurted out all that harsh 'I hate you' stuff during her birthday party, and Gina breezily tells her she said a bunch of stuff she doesn't mean (even though she clearly really does mean it), and has to bounce 'cause she's suddenly a personal trainer and has an appointment with her first client: Felice.

The Beverly Beat. Steve has decided to bring his boneheaded idea of teaching hapless men The Art of the Pick-up to fruition, and somehow believes it is reasonable to charge each pupil $250 for the privilege of listening to his worthless nonsense. Janet rolls her eyes derisively as David enters the newsroom and chuckles over Steve's over-the-top ad for the seminar. Steve then asks him if he wouldn't mind recording the seminar so he can increase his revenue by selling The Art of the Pick-up videotapes. OK. I think we have officially reached the point at which the Beverly Hills, 90210 writers stopped phoning it in and just began scribbling nonsensical plot ideas on scrap paper and then snail mailed them to the set.

Gina is training Felice with hand weight exercises, then gets her to do some arm stretching. The two talk about Gina's figure skating career, and Felice grumbles about how she wishes her flaky daughter would commit herself to a long-term goal. She then complains about what a giant douchetard Noah is, and that she's pretty sure Donna chooses her boyfriends based on how much their coupling will annoy her...though, in fairness, Felice's uppity-ness probably makes it near impossible to avoid annoying her in the mate-choosing department. She changes the subject and tells Gina she's been invited to a luncheon hosted by the editor of George Magazine - JFK Jr.! - and has two tickets. She says she was planning to invite Donna, but Gina fake gossips about how she heard Donna make snarky remarks about the luncheon - which, of course, angers Felice, so she haughtily retorts, "In that case, I'd prefer to take you instead!" She offers Gina the extra ticket, which Gina is more than happy to snap up.

The Walsh house. Kelly drops by to sheepishly apologize to Matt for all of her man baggage problems, and he's like, "Er...OK" just as a woman emerges from the kitchen to announce that their soufflé is rising. As Kelly scrunches her face in confusion, Matt explains that the woman, Marissa, is here to give him cooking lessons. Kelly continues to look weirded out and says she should probably go...and Matt hastily assures her that Marissa is just a friend and adds that he wishes she had wanted to stay over last night.

Donna and Noah go on a double date with Gina and Dylan to a museum exhibit. Gina tries to sound nonchalant as she tells Donna that Felice gave her a ticket to attend the George Magazine luncheon, and Donna furrows her brows and looks miffed at Felice's overt snub. Dylan, meanwhile, is in the bathroom snorting heroin, then staggers out and over to where Gina is admiring a painting, and starts acting all weird. He gets really touchy feely with her and magnanimously offers to buy her any painting she wants, so she reminds the drugged out moron that this is a museum opening, not an art store. Across the room, Noah is shaking his head disapprovingly and telling Donna that Dylan is out of control...much like the obnoxious, drunken way he behaved shortly after his dad shot his head off. Gina stares at a messy looking painting called Tropical Tension, then reads aloud from the information card that it's on loan to the museum from the Marchette Collection. Uh oh. Dylan's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" and starts to wig out at the mention of Marchette, then stomps off. When Gina looks at Donna in puzzlement, Donna explains that Anthony Marchette is the man who [unwittingly] killed Dylan's wife [of five minutes] ... and Gina and Noah cluck sympathetically and coo, "Oooooh." 

Dylan lays in bed, sweatily twitching. I guess he didn't snort enough heroin in the bathroom earlier. Gina assumes he's sick and in need of a doctor, then tells him that Donna told him about Anthony Marchette and expresses her condolences. He insists he's fine and kisses her - and she suddenly shoves him away from her and asks him if he's doing heroin again...and if so, does he use needles? He gets irked and barks no!, reminds her that they've never raw-dogged it in the sack, then snaps, "Is the interrogation over?!" Gina snaps back, "It's over! And so are we!" and storms out of the house. Sounds like a win-win type breakup, short-lived though it ends up being.

Now Wear This. Kelly has been noticing a lot of leggy women heading upstairs to Matt's office, and sadly tells Donna she thinks it's a sign that Matt is moving on. David drops by the store to ask Kelly if she'd be willing to give his radio show listeners some on-air relationship advice, then mentions that he has plans later to videotape Steve while he teaches his Art of the Pick-up seminar. Kelly and Donna chuckle at the hilarity of Steve thinking he has any business teaching anyone anything, and agree that they're going to need to sneak into that seminar so they can enjoy some much needed comic relief.

Dylan arrives at the graveyard clutching a bouquet of flowers to lay on Toni's grave, then has another flashback of her murder, and his hostile encounter with Tony during the funeral. He goes to where her grave is/should be and is befuddled when he sees that it's not there anymore. He marches over to the office, bursts in on some poor administrator, and demands to know whassup with his wife's disappeared grave. The bewildered man looks up Toni's name on his computer and tells Dylan that her family hasn't released that information, and Dylan snarls, "I am her family." He grabs the administrator by the collar and gets all in his face, but the frightened man just stares at him wide-eyed and says he has no further information.

The Peach Pit. Donna and Kelly enter the diner and run into a morose looking Gina. They tell her they came by to eavesdrop on Steve's seminar next door and invite her to tag along, but Gina just shrugs and says she has no interest in that. She offers to give Donna her George Magazine luncheon ticket, then can't help herself from stirring the pot by remarking on all the bitchy things Felice is always saying about her, hastily adding, "I always defend you." Donna contorts her face into an expression of poutish hurt, but is forced to put a pin in Gina's mindfuckery when Kelly grabs her and steers her over to the After Dark so they can have a good laugh at Steve.

Kelly and Donna sneak into the DJ booth and watch as Steve schools a group of halfwitted men who were dumb enough to shell out $250 to learn his 'tricks of the pick-up trade'. Steve plays a video in which Noah and Matt offer their words of wisdom regarding scoring with women...and Matt is seen discussing the merits of coming onto women in a more understated way, such as cooking her a nice meal. Kelly looks aghast and furrows her brows in irritation.

Beach house. Dylan is slumped on a lounger on the patio when Gina exits the apartment to head to a training appointment. She tells him he needs to go 'cause she's meeting a client - but he just mumbles about how he went to the cemetery and learned that his wife's grave has been moved. Gina sits beside him and does her best to comfort him as he swigs from a beer bottle and wails, "They took her from meeee. I can't believe it's happening again!" OK, well...I can't believe we have to watch yet another of your drug-and-alcohol-induced downward spirals after suffering through your endless substance abuse debauchery during the first half of Season 5. Get your fucking shit together already, you self-destructive slouchy assbag.

Kelly bursts into Matt's office and tells him they need to talk...and by talk she means snark at him about all the good looking women who have been streaming through his office all damn day. He explains that the women are actually going to the new nail salon next door, and Kelly looks sheepish and flatly goes, "Oh" - instead of, "Oops! Sorry about that." She tells him she saw him talking on Steve's video [which, pathetically enough, will feature a video within a video once the dumb thing is released on videotape] about how cooking a nice meal for a woman is a well proven technique to get her in the sack. She says she hates what how "thought out" it is, but he deftly avoids any further bickering by kissing her hand...and Kelly promptly forgets what she was irked about and leans in for a smooch. 

After Dark. Steve is now playing a portion of another video for his pupils in which he flirts with Janet by tearfully telling her about his poor grandmother, whose illness caused him to be sent to an orphanage. As he fake cries, Janet pretends to be sympathetic about his implausible childhood trauma. Steve tells his pupils that this is "the grandma approach".

Beach house. Donna razzes Noah about participating in Steve's boneheaded video, then shows him she's totes A-OK with it by giving him a big smooch. Felice drops by with Gina, who's wearing a very Jackie O style fur trimmed outfit that Felice bought her for the upcoming luncheon. Seems like a very warm and wooly ensemble for L.A., but whatevs. Donna apologizes to Gina for getting dragged into her nasty family drama with her nasty mother...and Gina pretends to be put off by the hostility between the two and offers to give up her ticket. Felice admonishes Donna for ruining their lovely afternoon, and Gina puts on a faux sad face and covertly tells Donna she feels soooo bad about coming between her and her mother.

That evening, Steve steers his male pupils into the After Dark to try out the pick-up techniques they learned in his seminar. He bellows, "Go get some!" as the guys stare around in bewilderment and nervously twitch. LOL. Inside the DJ booth, David and Kelly take calls from listeners who are seeking love connection advice. Kelly emphasizes to the female callers to go slow when considering hitting the sheets with a guy [especially the boneheads currently trolling at the After Dark] ... and while that's happening, Steve's pupils are getting slapped and shot down by the women they're attempting to flirt with. Steve races over to the booth and chides Kelly for "killing him" with her go slow sack time advice.

Later, Kelly asks Matt to dance and tells him she's OK with not going slow...and that it was just advice she was giving to couples who don't know each other very well. He and his penis perk up, and Kelly presses herself against him for an intense smooch. 

Dylan is staggering down a dark road, looking to purchase a gun. What a hot mess he is.

Beach house. Kelly and Matt are amorously going at it. They stumble into her bedroom, strip off their clothes, and hit the sheets.

David's apartment. The next morning, Steve grumbles to David about how Kelly acted like such a schoolmarm on his radio show, urging women to go slow...and David agrees that it doesn't look like any of the pupils got lucky. He then picks up Dylan's jacket to move it out of the way and is startled when a gun falls out of the side pocket. He's all, "Wha-a?!" and storms over to Dylan's room, kicks him awake, and says he doesn't want guns in his house - largely 'cause of the time he himself went squirrelly after getting mugged at the ATM and accidentally shot Noah's friend during the Ricochet episode. Dylan irritably mumbles that the gun will be out of the apartment by tomorrow, then slouches out of the room.

After Dark. Kelly drives Matt to the After Dark so he can retrieve his car. She invites him to go to breakfast with her, but he tells her he has too much work to do and promises to call her later. Kelly natters about how she really did mean it when she was advising women to take things slow, then says she really likes him and wants to "do this right". Matt's like, "Er...OK" and says he thought last night was "pretty right". Ugh. These two are the most chemistry-free couple the show has seen since Brandon and Susan Keats hooked up.

Beach house. Gina and Donna discuss Felice's general cuntiness, and Donna says she hasn't called to apologize for the way she snarked at her yesterday - not that she expects her to, since usually she criticizes her, then acts as if nothing has happened. Gina asks her if the two of them are OK, and Donna assures her they are, particularly now that she's under the [false] impression that Gina repeatedly stands up for her against Felice. After Donna heads out, Gina immediately gets on the horn with Felice and apologizes for Donna's behavior yesterday, shuddering as she calls it "soooo embarrassing".

After Dark. David decides to try out Steve's pick-up techniques and approaches a pretty blonde girl at the bar...but she just rolls her eyes at him and strolls off. Haha! A few seconds later, Steve sits beside him, and the two discuss Dylan and wonder how worried they should be about him being in possession of a gun. Um, probably a lot. A few seconds later, Steve's pupils stream inside the club and make a beeline over to Steve to tell him that they're dissatisfied with his class and want their money back. Haha! David, meanwhile, is attempting "the grandma approach" with a cute curly-haired brunette, and somehow she falls for his schtick and gives him a comforting hug.

The Walsh house. Kelly drops by after being summoned by Matt. She sheepishly apologizes for nattering nonsensically in the car that morning, and explains that she was feeling nervous and insecure. He assures her it's all good, then suggests they order in dinner so it doesn't look like he's using any kind of technique to get her in the sack. The two start smooching, and this time she urges him to follow her upstairs for some lovin', which he's more than happy to do. 

David's apartment. Gina sternly tells Dylan he needs to stop doing drugs, like pronto. He mutters, "I know", then glances around shiftily, covertly ensures that his new gun is tucked into his pants, and says he's on his way out to see about his late wife's grave. 

​That can't be good.

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