Recap: David is at the After Dark, delivering another instalment of his shittastic radio show. He tells his listeners he just reconnected with his old friend Dylan, and that the rumor du jour for his return is ('cause apparently people have nothing better to do with their time than concoct theories about Dylan's sudden reappearance in Beverly Hills) that he's into diamond smuggling. David then cackles and adds that pretty much everything ol' Slouchy does is a mystery. Kelly, who's sitting at a table with Dylan a few feet away from the DJ booth, agrees that - yep - he is indeed a mystery wrapped in a riddle, then comes right out and asks him why he came back. Dylan sighs in his annoying I'm-sooooo-world-weary fashion and says he likes to keep people guessing about what he's been up to. He then proposes they blow this popsicle stand.
Noah sends a bottle of champagne to Donna's table, but Donna refuses it and tells the waitress to tell Noah no thank you. Gina remarks on all the rebuffing Donna's been doing in response to Noah's gestures, including throwing away all the flowers he's been sending her. That seems bitchy and a waste of perfectly good flowers. Donna sanctimoniously replies, "He has a lot to make up for." A few seconds later, an anxious looking Noah rushes over and asks Donna if he did something wrong, and Donna says that his efforts are "all too much" and criticizes him for trying too hard. Dylan and Kelly swing by their table to announce that they're leaving, and Donna asks if she can get a ride home with them, then flounces past Noah as she flees the club.
Outside the After Dark, Matt runs into Steve and starts bellyaching about how broke he is, and that living hand-to-mouth is an unusual feat for a lawyer. D'yuh, loser. Steve's like, "Sucks to be you" and warns him about how tiny a rat's ass he generally gives about other peoples' problems. Matt tells him that Kelly is inside the club with Dylan, then asks whassup with that whole thing...and Steve tells him that Dylan was once hypnotized [during a really stupid episode that time traveled to the Old West] into thinking that he and Kelly were soulmates. As a disheartened Matt chews on that, two police officers arrive at the club, head straight for the DJ booth, and inform David that he's under arrest for statutory rape. They read him his rights, cuff him, and march him for a walk of shame to the police car in full view of his 90210 cast mates and After Dark partiers.
The next day, after bailing David out of jail, Dylan accompanies him to West Beverly High to have a chat with Denise, David's statutory rape accuser. Dylan encounters Mrs. Teasley in the hall and says he needs to have a quick chat with Denise...but she refuses and says it would be wrong for her to give him access to one of her students. Dylan implores her to remember what a good guy David is and that he wouldn't rape anyone, and Mrs. Teasley insists that she can't allow any of her students to be forcibly badgered, but then a few seconds later decides, "Aw, what the hell" and calls Denise over. When Dylan tells Denise he's a friend of David's, she snaps, "I have nothing to say to you!" and starts to walk off, so Dylan barks, "You're ruining my friend's life!" and tells her that if David gets hauled off to jail, it'll be all her fault. She shrugs and says there's nothing she can do 'bout that, then stalks off. Dylan slouches over to the corridor where David has been waiting and grimly tells him he's going to need a lawyer.
The Beverly Beat. Samantha Sanders glances with disdain at the newly trashified cover of the Beat and tells Steve he should aim higher. Hee! Janet decides this is the ideal moment to come over and tell Steve about a bunch more leads she got of stories about celebrities they can pursue and sensationalize, and then the two briefly strategize about how to run headlines that will result in maximum embarrassment. Steve introduces her to his appalled mother, and Janet gushes about what a huge fan she is, and that she heard about her new sitcom and that she's dating her handsome young co-star. Samantha wryly retorts, "Don't believe everything you read."
Gina tags along with Noah to Cartier to pick out a piece of jewelry for Donna. Gina starts in again with her drama-loving pot-stirring and tells him she has implored Donna to be a lot more understanding towards him, but Noah says he knows he's put her through a lot. She indignantly retorts, "You've been through a lot!" - but Noah tunes her out and picks out a silver angel pendant, remarking how much Donna would love it. Gina advises against buying it 'cause of how spoiled Donna is, and "what she wants, she gets". Noah quips that she hasn't been getting anything from him lately, and Gina warns him that Donna won't let him forget his past sins, no matter how hard he tries to make things right with her.
Hospital. Jackie tells Kelly (and Matt, who spends most of the episode following Kelly around) that Grandpa needs to have a lung reduction operation in order to ease his emphysema-related pain. Kelly reminds her that Grandpa has made it clear he wants to refuse treatment, the doctors have given him only six months to live, and an operation will only prolong the inevitable. Jackie's just like, "Yeah, yeah, whatever" and then she and Kelly step into Grandpa's room for a visit so he can gush over his favorite granddaughter.
Samantha is in a hotel, holding court with a handful of paparazzi, and then heads over to where Steve and Janet have been patiently waiting. Steve tells her he made lunch reservations for the three of them, and Samantha chirps, "Fabulous!" Her new sitcom co-star, a young hunk named Barry, suddenly appears and says hey, and Samantha introduces him to Steve...then snarkishly reminds Steve that Barry is one of the celebrities he's been writing shit about in his dumbass tabloid. Steve stares sheepishly at the floor as Samantha links her arm with Barry's and the two walk ahead.
Beach house. Kelly tells her mom she's very sad about Grandpa...and Jackie concurs, but is nevertheless intent on forcing the old man to to squeeze out every breath out of his deteriorating body as is humanly possible. Kelly argues that the man just wants to die with dignity, but Jackie doesn't like the sound of that and snaps, "There's no such thing!" and refuses to pull the plug on her dad, despite his very clearly stated DNR request.
Out on the beach house patio, Matt is about to light up a cigarette when Dylan suddenly slouches by and mutters, "Those things will kill you." He then turns around and tells Matt he should give him a call if David has problems paying his legal fees...and Matt perks up at that and goes, "OK." Dylan knocks on the door and asks Kelly if she'd like to go for a ride, and she shoots him a WTF? look, motions at Matt, and says, "You met Matt, right?" then says he can't just suddenly reappear in her life and expect everything to be the way it was pre Season 6. Matt indignantly informs him that Kelly is going through a family crisis at the moment, and Dylan's like, "Yeah whatever" and explains that he's better suited to helping Kelly forget about her problems than he is listening to her problems.
Deposition. Matt grills Denise about having fake ID to get into the After Dark, pointing out that her very presence in the club deceived David into thinking she was at least twenty-one. Fair point. Matt also gets her to admit that she was the one who called David in his DJ booth, and then later showed up in person, uninvited, to give him that weird lap dance. Denise gets flustered at the tough line of questioning and cries, "You're twisting things around!", which prompts her lawyer to put an abrupt end to the deposition. David implores Denise to tell the truth about what happened that night, but her lawyer gets all in David's face and warns him that he's supposed to stay at least three hundred feet away from Denise. David scrunches his stubbly face in a look of torment and wails, "I could get three years!" and Denise's mom whirls around and retorts, "I wish it was thirty!"
Now Wear This. Gina brags to Donna about how her new agent scored her an interview for a plum spokesperson job, and Donna congratulates her and offers to gift her a Donna Martin original - a tight blue sundress - to wear to the interview. Gina takes it into the fitting room just as Noah enters the store. Donna admonishes him for neglecting to call her, and he's all, "Wha-a?" and reminds her that a few scenes ago was criticizing him for being "too much" and trying too hard. Donna tells him it's going to take a loooong fucking time to regain her trust and make her feel secure in their relationship again, and he shakes his head and bitterly mutters, "You're not going to let me forget it." He says that a less spoiled girlfriend would have gotten over it by now and been more forgiving, and Donna's all, "Wha-a?!" and orders him out of her store. Gina, who's been eavesdropping on the conversation from the fitting room, tells Donna she's sorry about that horrible exchange, then shakes her head in fake dismay and exclaims, "I can't believe he called you spoiled."
Dylan drops by David's apartment and assures him that since the writers are too lazy to bother with much in the way of multi-episode story arcs anymore, the tiresome statutory rape storyline should resolve itself by the time the credits roll. David laments how badly he feels about doinking a seventeen year old...and Dylan tells him to not feel that way 'cause it makes him sound guilty. David changes the subject and asks him what he's been doing for the past three years, and Dylan replies, "Feeling guilty mostly" and admits that he's still haunted by Toni's murder pretty much every minute of every day.
The Beverly Beat. Janet urges Steve to try to act more like a grownup and be happy for his mom and her new romance, but Steve refuses to accept that Samantha is dating a much younger boyfriend. He complains that she's selfish and doesn't care about how her actions affect other people - and Samantha happens to enter the newsroom at that exact moment and retorts, "This isn't about other people. It's about me" then says he has no right to judge her. Yawn.
Now Wear This. Kelly vents to Donna about how dickish her mom is being regarding Grandpa's terminal illness. The two then spot Dylan standing out in the mall, creepily staring at them inside the store, so Kelly steps out to have a coffee with him. He asks her why she and Brandon dumped each other at the altar last season, so Kelly explains that they were best friends, but lacked the special chemistry she once shared with him (Dylan). After smugly digesting that juicy tidbit, he tells her he sold his bungalow and is staying at the Peninsula Hotel, then invites her to call him sometime and invite him out to dinner. Kelly puts her conflicted face on and tells him that him being back in L.A. scares her, 'cause it wasn't something she had planned for.
The Walsh house. Gina stands in the doorway of Noah's bedroom as he gets dressed and invites him to grab some dinner with her. He declines and says he has plans with Donna, then grumbles about how unforgiving she continues to be. Gina advises him to dump her asap and then criticizes her ridiculously high standards...but when Noah shoots her an are you serious? look, she half-heartedly chuckles and pretends she was totally kidding just now.
Matt is evicted from his apartment after failing to pay rent for six weeks. I wonder if he's considering changing his career path.
Hospital. Grandpa is going through a stack of old photos, identifying the people in them by writing their names on the back. He asks Kelly if she thinks he's doing the wrong thing by refusing the lung surgery, and she tells him there's no right or wrong decision here...then lets that sink into her own head for a few seconds. She perks up and says she needs to go tell her mom something.
After Dark. David glumly tells Dylan that his trial date has been set for two weeks. Dylan points out that it's his word against Denise's, then asks him if he thinks Matt is up to the task of defending him. David just kind of shrugs and mumbles, "Kelly thinks so" and adds that Matt is a nice guy. Elsewhere in the club, Matt asks Steve if he'd be interested in putting him on retainer at The Beverly Beat, but Steve makes a blech face at the prospect and declines. Mrs. Teasley makes an unexpected appearance and further violates Denise's privacy by telling Dylan that the underage tart is regularly neglected by her shitty parents, and that she's had a particularly bad year - not counting her disastrous decision to ride David's balony pony and then blab all about it to her ultra-uptight parents. Dylan perks up at the inside dish, and a plan starts to hatch inside his muddled brain.
Steve is bitching to Noah about his mom dating Barry - just as he spots Barry in the After Dark, canoodling with a sexy young woman. He storms over to the pair and demands to know whaddup, and Barry stares back at him blankly and goes, "Do I know you?" Haha! Ouch. Steve reminds him that his mother is Samantha Sanders, then punches him in the face. A couple of bouncers jump in to prevent the two from engaging in any rumbling, and then Mrs. Teasley gets all in Steve's face, glares at him disapprovingly, and snaps, "Some things never change."
Beach house. Gina continues her mind fuckery and tells Donna she's letting Noah off too easily...but Donna insists he's changed, thinks he could finally be the guy she believes he can be, and has invited him over for dinner to try to prove himself to her once again. Whens she dashes into her bedroom to get some candles, the phone rings...and it's Noah. He leaves Donna a message on the answering machine, explaining that he got busier than expected at the club and will be an hour late for dinner. Gina quickly hits the delete button, then tells Donna the call was from a credit card solicitor. She then says she hopes Noah will be on time for dinner, then lays it on thick about what an utter catastrophe it would be if he were to show up late tonight, 'cause it would demonstrate that he's not truly serious about their relationship.
Matt has degenerated into an ambulance chaser, but his half-hearted cold calling isn't going well. Kelly stops by his office to tell him that she blabbed to her grandpa about Jackie refusing to allow him to honor his living will...and Matt concurs on the dickishness of that and says that disregarding a person's will is against the law, and that she's right to want to ensure that it's honored. Kelly thanks him for clarifying that point...and then the subject drifts to Dylan's surprise return to Beverly Hills, 90210. Matt tells her to go ahead and pursue whatever emotional carnage she feels she needs to work through with the Slouchster, 'cause whatever the two of them may one day have together can wait.
Beach house. Donna is staring despondently at the table she set for her romantic dinner with Noah. When Noah arrives at 10pm and asks her if she got his message, she snaps, "Loud and clear!" and reminds him that he's supposed to be trying to make her feel important and secure. She then barks, "Goodbye!" and slams the door in his face. Flee, Noah!! Run far and fast!
Dylan goes to Denise's parents' house to lecture the two about their shameful neglect of Denise, and explains that when a teenager feels like her parents aren't paying enough attention to her, she'll do crazy shit to get noticed - like hit the sheets with a failed man-child musician who has no better job prospects than DJing inside a booth at the After Dark, for example. Dylan then tells them the sad tale of when he used to live in a hotel - and that it caused him to do all sorts of reckless things, like drink heavily and destroy potted flowers. He tells them that, at the end of the day, Denise's actions are their fault, and that they need to own up to that for their daughter's sake.
The Beverly Beat is getting sued for libel for their fake celebrity news reporting, so Steve agrees to put Matt on retainer in exchange for letting him bunk, free of charge, at the Walsh house. Samantha storms into the newsroom to yell at Steve for punching Barry the other night, and Steve explains that he was defending her honor after seeing him canoodle with another woman. Samantha tells him she's not dating Barry, then reveals, "The person I'm dating...her name is Linda" and an aghast Steve looks even more aghast when Samantha blurts out, "I'm gay." Um...OK. I guess I can buy that.
Beach house. Donna bitchily erases all of the phone messages Noah has been leaving on her machine, then tells Gina he keeps insisting he left her a message about being an hour late for dinner. Gina shrugs and says, "Obviously he didn't" then says she's off to stroll along the beach. When the phone rings again, Donna answers it...and a few minutes later, she rushes out after Gina to inform her that the call was for her. The guy Gina has been claiming is her new agent called to make it clear that he's not interested in representing her - haha! busted! - and Gina looks sheepish at finally being caught in a lie. She whines about how hard it sucks being surrounded by people who have everything, while she has nothing. Donna wanks her about how smart and talented she is, but Gina snaps that she's not in the mood for her pity and stalks off.
Hospital. Jackie is irked at Kelly for tattling to Grandpa about her staunch refusal to honor his DNR request. An unrepentant Kelly goes into Grandpa's room to discuss the issue, then exits a few minutes later looking tearful and distraught. She tells Matt that she's now been saddled with the responsibility of taking him off life support if his lungs start failing...even though I'm pretty sure the doctors will be doing the actual unplugging - as they should, since it's what the poor man wants.
Denise drops by David's apartment to admit that the unholy act that happened between them was wrong, gross on every level - but not a crime. Well, sort of not. She has informed the DA that she won't be testifying, so the DA agreed to drop the charges. Denise then says that her parents have promised to be more involved in her life...even though she's seventeen and almost an adult - but better late than never, I guess. She tells David she's sorry, and he replies, "I'm sure you are" then closes the door and asks Dylan what on earth he said to Denise's parents. Dylan says he told them about his miserable childhood, and how he hated living in a hotel as a teenager and still hates it, even though he's rich enough and has more than enough time on his hands to remedy the situation by buying himself a house or at least getting a rental. David takes that as a cue to invite him to crash in his apartment, and Dylan happily replies, "Can do!" then gets a call from Kelly, asking him to please come over and help her forget about her Grandpa problems.
Now Wear This. Noah tells Donna he wants to continue bending over backwards in an effort to earn back her trust, and implores her to give him another shot. When she says yes, Noah presents her with the angel pendent he bought earlier in the episode...and she coos about how much she looooves it. As the two smooch, Gina glares at them unhappily from inside the store. She really is in desperate need of a life.
Kelly and Dylan stroll along the beach as she gabbles about her beloved Grandpa and how he fought in World War II...blah blah. Dylan changes the subject to his extended hiatus from the show, and tells her he went on a dangerous mountain expedition shortly after dumping Brenda. After that, he learned to fly planes and raced motorcycles...but mostly tried to forget about the trauma of holding his murdered, dying wife in his arms. Eventually, he decided to return to L.A. 'cause it's his home and he missed his friends. Kelly says she likes that answer, so he clarifies, "I came back because I missed you" and the two hug.
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