Recap: Sophie meets up with David at the Peach Pit and tells him that the porn director she schmoozed with during the previous episode has offered her a [topless] modelling job. David makes a face and says he doesn't think it's a good idea, then wanks her about how pretty, smart, and talented she is, and urges her to not waste herself on soft porn photo shoots. Sophie calls him sweet, then argues that she really really needs the money. Valerie enters the diner and tells Sophie there's a guy sitting in her convertible, and Sophie's all, "Ack!" and rushes outside. The guy sitting in her driver's seat informs her he's repossessing the vehicle due to non-payment. She implores him to let her keep it 'cause she's a budding actress and needs to be able to drive to her auditions, but he's like, "Nah, don't give a rat's ass" and drives off. Sophie stomps back to the diner and defiantly tells David she has a naked photo shoot to get to.
Court house. Lenny thanks Matt for helping him win unsupervised visitation with his baby daughter, Allison. A despondent Leah tells Kelly the judge ordered her to stay within the county now that Lenny has has been given full rights to her daughter. Lenny saunters over and acts all smarmy about his court win, and Kelly glares at Matt, snaps, "You're a credit to your profession!" and stalks off.
Valerie shows David a mansion in Bel Air she's currently housesitting and says she's planning to throw a "killer rave" with an admission fee. David scrunches his face in disapproval and tells her he thinks it's a bad idea...and I'm sure the hapless homeowners would agree.
Leah's apartment. Kelly is cooing at Allison while Leah weeps in frustration at the judge's ruling. She tells Kelly she hates the idea of being separated from her baby, even just for the afternoon. A few minutes later, Lenny knocks on the door and then barges into the apartment. He tells Leah he's taking the baby to a playground at the racetrack, which prompts Kelly to raise her eyebrows all judgey-like and go, "The racetrack?" Leah reminds her douchebag ex-husband to have their daughter home by 6pm...and when the baby starts crying from all the palpable hostility in the room, Kelly asks Lenny if he's capable of coping with a crying baby. He glares at her and bellows, "Yesss!" but then storms over to the kitchen and angrily kicks over a chair...so, nooo, probably not.
The Beverly Beat. Steve and Janet are going through the last of the articles that Brandon wrote, and deduce that they only have enough material for one more issue. Steve looks freaked out and cries, "We're dead!" and Janet assures him they're not, and that she believes in him. Sort of.
Photo shoot. A sleazy looking photographer snaps a few photos of Sophie, then asks her to lose the fugly pink feather-boa monstrosity of a top she's wearing. When she refuses, he threatens to withhold her pay check and then badmouth her among other photographers so she won't be able to get future modelling gigs in L.A. ever again. Sophie mulls that over, then strips off her boa top and poses for the camera. She looks sad and starts crying, but her tears don't seem to bother the photographer, who purrs, "Yeahhh! Aww right!" as he cheerfully snaps away. LOL.
Donna asks Matt how Lenny's court hearing went, and Matt says he was able to score unsupervised visitation for Lenny. Donna scrunches her big face in disapproval and says that Lenny is a very bad guy, but Matt argues that Allison needs her father, however large an abusive assfuck he might be. Donna's like, "OK, whatever" and invites him to join her for dinner, which prompts him to ask whassup with Noah. She shrugs and says she hasn't seen him lately and doesn't even know if they're still dating. She adds that she could use a friend, and the two just stand and smile at each other.
Peach Pit. Steve and Janet enter the diner and catch sight of a tabloid newspaper that just happens to be laying around: The Hollywood Eye with the headline "Martians Land in Beverly Hills". Janet tells Steve that, on the bright side, they're not publishing garbage like this...but Steve stares at the tabloid in fascination and marvels, "People really read this stuff!" Janet's like, "Whatever, let's talk about the Beat" then says they have a much harder job than the slack-ass publishers of Hollywood Eye, who are free to publish whatever shit they've made up. Steve perks up at the idea of making shit up and says it's a skill he's rather adept at. Janet reminds him that they have a paper they can be proud of, but Steve can't seem to let go of the idea of turning the Beat into a shitty supermarket tabloid.
After Dark. For whatever reason, there's a ginormous lineup to get into the club. Noah steps outside to chat with the bouncer...and when he spots Donna arriving with Matt, he instructs the bouncer to not allow Matt inside the club.
Beach house. Kelly and Leah meet with a social worker who has a history of helping battered women escape their abusive spouses. The woman warns the two that child stealing is a felony and that she can't directly help them 'cause she's currently under investigation for her role in helping other women circumvent the law. She does, however, offer to guide Leah through the process - but warns Kelly that she could be charged with aiding and abetting. Kelly shrugs indifferently and chirps, "Where do we begin?"
Valerie shops at Now Wear This for something to wear to her "end of the world" rave party. Donna shows her a slinky red dress, and Valerie looks impressed and blurts out, "It's not dreadful!" - LOL - then takes it into the fitting room. Noah, meanwhile, enters the store to tell Donna that he has an AA meeting later, then asks if she's dating Matt now...but she just shoots him the stink-eye and says she's still pissed off that he refused to let Matt into the After Dark last night. Valerie stuffs the red dress into her purse, emerges from the fitting room, and gives Donna and Noah directions to her rave. She then follows Noah after he storms out of the store and the two talk about their need to do something reckless: her desire to throw a rave, and his desire to go drag racing. Seems random, but OK.
David's apartment. Sophie gives David a twelve-pack of music CDs for his shittastic radio show. She says it's a thank you for the great advice he gave her to not take soft porn modelling jobs, and doesn't admit that she actually did take it. David, who doesn't seem curious about where she got the extra money to buy him CDs, suggests she wait tables at the Peach Pit while waiting for Hollywood to come knocking, and she takes him up on his offer to call Nat. Ugh, Nat.
The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Steve that tabloids are an embarrassment to humankind, but Steve argues that they're also very profitable. She asks him what Brandon would say 'bout that, and Steve reminds her that Brandon left the show long after his character had run its course several times over [much like the way this entire show ran its course by the end of Season 4, yet here I am recapping Season 9]. Janet wants no part of turning the Beat into a tabloid and starts to storm out of the newsroom - but Steve tells her they could make a ton of money, and offers to let her be a feature writer and get a huge pay raise. She pauses in the doorway and mulls that over...and he tells her that their first assignment will be to write about a local haunted hotel.
Beach house. Matt drops by to ask Donna if she'd like to grab some dinner, but Donna acts all skittish and weird and tells him she has "work plans" and will need to take a rain check. After Matt leaves, she goes back inside, and we see that Kelly and Leah are busily strategizing Leah's escape from dorkboy Lenny.
Peach Pit. Sophie is proving to be a horrible waitress. She ambles around the diner with a mega-burger and serves it to a young man (Tom) who's seated at one of the tables, but he tells her he, uh, hasn't actually ordered yet. When he expresses an interest in hardening his arteries, she offers the burger to him on the house and jokingly says he'd better give her a big tip. David enters the diner, and Nat grumbles to him about what a sucky waitress Sophie is...but when Nat walks away, David fibs to Sophie and says he heard she's doing a marvellous job. He tells her he got her an audition with the film director he used to write jingles for [funny...I didn't think that guy would ever want to talk to David again], then says they can talk more about it after his radio show. Sophie heads back to Tom's table to clean it up and finds a $100 tip...then spots him at the door and rushes over. She says she can't accept such a large tip, and he tells her to keep it...then hands her his card and urges her to give him a call. She stares after him looking intrigued.
Noah and Valerie sit in her fancy sports car, waiting for the drag race to begin. Noah revs the engine for a few seconds, then squeals off. As they speed along, Valerie tells Noah she's decided to turn herself in for killing her father and wanted someone to know that in case they're about to die in a fiery crash...but Noah's not really listening to her, 'cause it looks like he's headed straight for a head-on collision with the car that's headed straight for them. Valerie panics and grabs the steering wheeling, forcing the car off to the side of the road. She angrily admonishes Noah for playing a scary game of chicken, orders him to get the hell outa her car, then snarks that he needs professional help. She then drives off, leaving him standing alone on the side of the road, staring sadly into space.
Sophie is at a fancy restaurant with Tom. She pretends to have no interest in his money or that of his rich family, tells him she has a boyfriend, and that she's only out with him 'cause she's trying to expand her circle of friends. He's like, "Yeah whatever" and asks her if she's ever been to Paris, then tells her he's jetting there tomorrow on his dad's plane and would like her to come along for his amusement. She exclaims, "I don't even know you!" but he says he saw her inane Where's Sophie? billboard and figured why the hell not try to tap that? He then asks her what else she has to do with her aimless life...and she mulls that over, clearly thinking the man has a point.
Donna drops by Matt's office to explain that she couldn't really talk last night, then assures him that it had nothing at all to do with Noah. Matt's like, "OK" and says that since he makes a living arguing in court, he doesn't like to argue about dumb shit like this in his spare time. Donna is pleasantly surprised at his uncomplicated 'tude and invites him to escort her to Valerie's party.
Beach house. Kelly and Leah return home after a day of trying to secure fake IDs, and complain to Donna about how hard it is to set up a fake identity. A few minutes later, Lenny storms onto the patio and snarkishly says he's been following them all day and knows what they're up to. As a freaked out Leah flees inside the apartment, Kelly quickly calls 911. Lenny follows Leah, grabs at her, then leans in real close and menacingly says he won't ever let her go. It's really too bad that Joe Bradley isn't around to give Lenny the kind of well-deserved ass-kicking he gave Pumpkinhead Ray in Season 6's Gypsies, Cramps and Fleas episode.
Steve and Janet arrive at an abandoned hotel that's rumored to be haunted. They pretend to be city inspectors and convince the security guy to give them access to the kitchen, where one of Marilyn Monroe's lovers allegedly choked on a chicken bone and whose ghost allegedly haunts the area.
Valerie's rave party attracts a huge crowd of attractive twentysomethings. Sophie finds David and fibs about how great the audition went, and that she got the role! She adds that the filming will take place in Paris, and that she has to fly out tomorrow. He gushes about how proud of her he is and says he's totes prepared to keep a long distance relationship going. Donna arrives at the party with Matt, gabbling about Lenny's mental instability...and Matt promises to call his idiot client and ask whassup with his trespassing and generally shitty behavior. Donna then asks Matt if he wouldn't mind helping Leah flee the situation by getting her some fake IDs, and Matt looks appalled and cries, "That's illegal!" Valerie makes her grand entrance in the slinky red dress she shoplifted from Now Wear This. She runs into Matt and tells him she's decided to turn herself in to the authorities for murder and sanctimoniously says it's the right thing to do.
Hotel. Steve and Janet are skulking around the empty hotel kitchen with flashlights, looking for any ghosts that might be lurking around...or perhaps a shark they can waterski over. They enter a walk-in refrigerator, and suddenly the door closes behind them and locks them in. When Janet realizes what just happened, she's all, "Ack!" and snappishly tells Steve she's claustrophobic. Steve responds by giving her a big smooch, and then the two start going at it.
Rave. Noah is drinking heavily and babbling incoherently to Donna. Matt sees Donna hovering worriedly over the drunkard, gets miffed, and heads toward the door. Donna rushes after him and says she's going to have to take Noah home...and Matt just nods in response and dejectedly shuffles off. Two police officers arrive at the mansion to respond to a complaint from a neighbor regarding the noise. Valerie eyes the officers and tells Matt she's going to go ahead with her confession, like right now. [Yes, pleeeeease...for the love of all that is holy...just do it so they can lock you up, throw away the key, and we never have to hear about this icky fucking storyline ever again.] Matt warns her that she could potentially spend the rest of her life in jail, and she sullenly retorts, "I'm in jail now." But then, just as she approaches one of the cops and opens her mouth to confess, she quickly loses her nerve and merely apologizes for any inconvenience. *&^%$@!!!
The Walsh house. The next morning, Donna hangs out with a hungover Noah in the kitchen. I guess this means Noah finally sold his boat and then decided to move in with Steve. He tells her that his first AA meeting is tonight, and Donna's like, "Whatever" and says she needs to get going. She urges him to take his AA meetings seriously, and he stares sheepishly into space and unconvincingly mumbles, "Sure."
Matt's office. David tells Matt that Valerie is hell-bent on confessing to killing her father, despite talking endlessly about it with no action to back it up, and then chickening out at the last minute. Matt just shrugs and says that turning oneself in for a crime one actually committed isn't illegal (and should probably be encouraged), but then asks if there's anyone she would listen to who could convince her not to do it. David stares contemplatively into space, then asks to use his phone.
The security guy arrives in the hotel kitchen to let Steve and Janet out of the refrigerator. He correctly assumes they got it on last night...and the two make a feeble attempt to deny it, then bicker at each other about how the unplanned doink didn't mean anything.
Tom takes Sophie shopping at Now Wear This, and Sophie gabbles to Donna about her impending European adventure with her new fella. David suddenly appears in the doorway, overhears the conversation, and sadly says, "I thought you were doing a movie." He asks Tom who the hell he is, and Tom looks amused and remarks, "You must be the boyfriend" then tells Sophie he'll wait for her in the car. When David calls Sophie out on lying to him, she explains that the Beverly Hills, 90210 writers - who, by Season 9, were pretty much phoning it in - had no real idea what they were doing when they cast her as a superfluous character whose only purpose was seeking fame and fortune. Since she didn't succeed at the fame part, she's taking her chances at fortune by glomming onto a rich guy she barely knows. David calls it prostitution, and she poutishly replies, "I'm sorry you see it that way", then kisses him goodbye and leaves the show forever, bringing a merciful end to her pointless arc.
Police station. Valerie is looking around for a police officer to confess her crime to when Michelle Phillips suddenly enters the station and cries, "Don't!" She explains that David called her and told her about her intention to confess...and when Valerie miserably wails, "I have to!" Michelle Phillips admits that the unholy grisliness that was going on under her roof was something she should have stopped. Fucking duh. She fully accepts the blame for the actions of her pedophile husband and tells Valerie that none of it was her fault. The two tear up and hug, and Michelle Phillips urges her to forgive herself and wrap up this grisly storyline and then never ever speak of it again. Ever. Please.
Beach house. Matt comes over and tells Kelly and Leah that he has a former client who's an expert forger and can help Leah disappear. Kelly asks him if he could get disbarred for doing this, and he's like, "Yep", but says he also likes to sleep at night. That said, he says he'll deny that he was ever here, offering them this service. Kelly chirps, "Let's pack!" and she and Leah rush over to the bedroom. Donna arrives home and apologizes to Matt for ditching him in favor of Noah last night. He says, "You should be" and that even though he totally gets that she's very confused about who she should be dating, it's still hurtful to him.
Janet is in the newsroom, writing up the hotel ghost story. Steve asks her if she's OK with their refrigerator sex, and she just kind of shrugs and goes, "Yeah, it was just one of those freak things" and says it's instinctive to want to reproduce in the face of death. When the room suddenly starts shaking, the two assume an earthquake has just hit - even though it's just a couple of construction men jackhammering outside. Womp womp! Steve and Janet drop to the floor and crawl under the desk, where they start going at it again.
Kelly stops by Matt's office to tell him that Leah got her fake IDs...and to admit to being wrong about him. Matt says he never took it personally 'cause he knows how passionate she is about helping others...and Kelly stares at him longingly, thinking she might like to treat herself to Donna's slightly nibbled sloppy seconds.
Noah arrives at the doorway of the room where his AA meeting is taking place. He watches part of a testimonial...then puts his tortured face on, walks away from the room, and starts chugging from a flask.
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