Recap: Steve and David are hanging in Samantha's dressing room after a rehearsal of her new sitcom. David asks her if she'd be willing to give him a live air interview on his radio show, and she tells him she's flattered, but doesn't like the idea of being a spokesperson for the gay lifestyle. David's all, "Wuh?" 'cause I guess Steve didn't tell him about her startling confession during the previous episode. Samantha asks Steve if they can chat in private, then makes it clear that it's totes fine with her if he tells his friends about her newly proclaimed lesbianism. When she notices Steve's inability to stop cringing, she sadly asks him if he's ashamed of her...and Steve pretends he merely cares about protecting her privacy, but then stares into space with a stricken, holy-fucking-shit-my-ma's-gay expression on his face. Matt is smoking (in that awkward way non-smokers smoke when they want to pretend they're smokers) and staring at Kelly as she rings up customers inside the boutique. He puts out his barely puffed cigarette, then enters the store to ask Kelly if she wants to go for a drive to look at Christmas lights - but before she can answer, she gets a call from Jackie, telling her that Grandpa is so sick with pneumonia that he's having trouble breathing. The doctors want to put him on a ventilator - which goes against his explicitly stated DNR request - but Kelly says she doesn't want him to suffer anymore and asks to speak with the doctor. He quickly explains the situation and tells her he needs a decision asap, so she caves and authorizes him to do whatever is necessary to prevent the poor man from passing away with a scrap of dignity. Dylan goes to the auto storage facility where his Porsche has been sitting since Season 6. He takes off the tarp, washes off all the dust, then starts up the engine and squeals off. Hospital. Kelly tells Donna that Grandpa has stabilized since being hooked up to the ventilator - but, according to the doctor, he could be in a semi-vegetative state indefinitely. Nice going, dumbasses. Kelly and Jackie stare at Grandpa through his room window, and Kelly sheepishly remarks how hard it would suck if he's forced to spend whatever time he has left with a tube down his throat. Well duh. Jackie assures her she did the right thing. Now Wear This. Donna is helping a pretty blonde woman pick out several Donna Martin originals (bwahaha!) to try on when a teenager named Sonia enters the store, followed by a group of rowdy gangbangettes who pepper their conversation with a lot of "yos" and make hand signals at each other. Gina announces that they were just about to close for lunch, but Donna shuts her down, and then looks dismayed when the pretty blonde woman becomes so turned off by the presence of the gangbangettes that she hightails it out of the store without buying anything. When the gang departs a few minutes later, covertly shoplifting a pair of sunglasses on their way out, Gina tells Donna they should have closed the shop, then demonstrates one of the hand signals she saw the girls make and says it's obvious they're gang members. Donna bats her freakish Bambi eyes and puts on her meekest I'm-just-an-innocent-little-cherub-who-knows-nothing-of-L.A.'s-seedy-underbelly expression as she squeaks, "I didn't see it." A few seconds later, Sonia returns to the store with the stolen sunglasses and politely explains that they fell off of the display shelf while they were exiting. The Beverly Beat. David excitedly announces that Samantha has agreed to the radio interview and tells Steve he should be proud of his ma for so bravely coming out. Steve dismissively calls her a flake, but is most troubled that she has a lover who's a chick named Linda. A few seconds later, he gets a phone call from The National Whisperer asking him to comment on his mom's sexual orientation, and Steve snarks at the reporter to get a life and then wails, "I was adopted!" Well...OK. But Samantha still raised you, idiot. Matt runs into an old lawyer buddy at the hospital who's there to take a deposition for the tobacco company he represents. The buddy tells Matt he could use some help on the case if he's interested in earning a little cash. Kelly overhears the conversation and snarkishly asks Matt - in the usual judgey way she acts whenever he takes on a case that she finds to be morally suspect - if he's cutting a deal to work with a tobacco company. He's like, "Uh, maybe" and points out how hard it is for her to be impartial since her grandpa is dying of cigarette-related emphysema. Dylan pulls up to the After Dark in his Porsche. A group of young men admire the car and gush about how beautiful it is...and Dylan mumblingly agrees, then slouches towards the club. Gina asks Noah, who's tending bar for the evening, if he wants to go to a movie with her later, but he just kind of shrugs and says he's not into it. Dylan brusquely says, "He rejected you", and Gina pretends she's only interested in him as a friend...and Dylan smirks knowingly and barks, "Keep it that way." He then warns Noah to keep an eye on a drunk guy seated at the bar, 'cause he seems to have a short fuse and looks like he could be trouble. Sure enough, a few seconds later, Mr. Trouble turns his attention to Gina, notices her tattoo, and calls her a tattooed skank. She responds by throwing a drink in his face, which prompts Dylan to come to her aid and Noah to wave around a baseball bat to prevent any further rumbling. Mr. Trouble storms out of the club, while an aroused Gina gazes hungrily at Dylan. Unfortunately for Dylan, Mr. Trouble - who was one of the guys who was admiring his Porsche earlier - and his friends are in the parking lot, smashing up the car. Dylan races outside and is all, "Nooooo!", then pulls out a knife and says there's only one guy here who isn't afraid to die. Gina begs him to put the knife away, and Mr. Trouble and his friends fearfully scatter. Dylan growls at Gina to get away from his car, then stares despondently at the smashed windshield while flashing back to the episode when Toni was accidentally shot to death by her father's henchmen. Dylan is working on his car at Casa David when Noah drops by and offers to help...but Dylan declines 'cause having two broody, alcoholic-prone, emotionally damaged men on the same show (much less in the same scene) is fast becoming redundant. Noah points out that there are holes in the upholstery of the Porsche's seats, and Dylan gets all prickly at the mention of the bullet holes and grumbles at him to take a hike. Samantha is reading a tabloid rag (not the Beat) which features a snarkishly written story about her coming out. Steve enters her dressing room and calls the tabloid garbage while showing no sign that he grasps the irony of him being outraged at the fact that his mother's privacy has been violated via a trashy newspaper. Samantha asks him if he really told the reporter he was adopted and implied that she's not his real mother, and he doesn't answer and just starts whining about how weird it is for him to have to envision her sleeping with other women. Samantha explains to her horse's ass of a son that she always had feelings for women, but repeatedly squelched the desire to act on them. Steve implores her to continue squelching that desire, then despondently shuffles out of her dressing room. A few seconds later, Samantha gets word that her agent has just called an emergency meeting. Uh oh. Matt is at the hospital working on his deposition, and is called scum by one of the nurses. Kelly overhears the insult and says she wishes he wasn't working on behalf of the tobacco company, then asks him if he thinks her grandpa is to blame for his emphysema. Matt's like, "Well d'yuh" and points out that there are warning labels on cigarette packages, then pulls out the package in his pocket to needlessly demonstrate that point. Kelly says she does not get the draw of cigarettes, then snarks that with this current deposition, he's defending his own destructive habit. Yep, there's irony abound in this episode. Matt just shrugs and says he's open to representing all kinds of clients, mostly 'cause he's broke as fuck. Sonia returns to the boutique to check out a white dress that had caught her eye during her previous visit. She tells Donna she'd love to wear it for her fifteenth birthday party, so Donna takes it off the rack for her and directs her to a fitting room. Gina snarkishly asks Donna where the rest of the posse is, but Donna tells her she wants to give the girl a break. Sonia emerges from the fitting room with the dress on, and Donna gushes about how beautiful she looks. Sonia asks if she can pay her for the dress in instalments, and Donna caves and gets a pen and paper so she can get the contact information for her employer. Gina rolls her eyes and mutters, "You'll never see that money." Hospital. Jackie is alarmed when she sees that Grandpa is off the ventilator, but the doctor explains that Grandpa regained consciousness, pulled the tube out himself, and is now able to breathe on his own. Apparently, he no longer suffers from pneumonia and is doing as well as one can expect of a terminally ill man. Kelly tearily tells Jackie she betrayed Grandpa by defying the DNR order - well d'yuh - and when Dylan appears a few seconds later, she tearfully asks him to get her out of here. Dylan takes Kelly to a playground, where the two sit on swings and talk about life, Grandpa, and how Kelly wishes the doctors would just slip the poor man some morphine and let him die painlessly. Dylan stands behind her and gives her an awkward looking shoulder rub and mumbles about how some things in life are beyond their control. He says, yep, her Grandpa is dying all right...and all that remains is whether he's going to die on his terms or hers. Dylan is working on his Porsche when Gina drops by with beer and snacks as a thank you for so gallantly coming to her aid the other night. She jabbers about how figure skating was her whole life for many years, blah blah...and Dylan, who clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about her skating career, comes right out and asks her why she's trying to take what Donna has, meaning Noah. He tells her that Noah is the wrong guy for her to be focusing on, then invokes her tacky tattoo and says she can always get it removed if it's no longer working for her. Hospital. Kelly gabbles to Matt about how strong Grandpa used to be...and how weak he is now after a lifetime of cigarette smoking. Jackie rushes over to report that Grandpa isn't eating, and that the doctors want to torture him by shoving a feeding tube down his throat. Jackie doesn't like the sound of that, and Kelly concurs and says he's suffered enough. Now Wear This. Gina asks Donna and Noah whassup with Dylan, and Noah's assessment is that Dylan is a moody weirdo who's overly sensitive about the holes in his car's upholstery. Donna solemnly informs the two that Dylan's wife was shot to death in that car, and Gina's all, "Wha-a? He was married?" and Donna says that he and Toni were married (for about five minutes) before she was accidentally killed by henchmen employed by her mobster father. By scripted coincidence, she got caught in the crossfire and died in Dylan's arms. Gina's like, "Wow, that's intense" and Noah hangs his head shamefully and says he feels bad for drawing Dylan's attention to the bullet holes in the Porsche's seats. The Walsh house. Samantha drops by to visit Steve, who's taking a pretend sick day. He answers the door chowing down on popcorn and sheepishly tells his mom he miraculously started feeling better. Samantha says she knows how embarrassed he is by her I'm gay now announcement, then tells him she just got fired from her new sitcom and wryly adds, "It was a creative decision." Steve is all, "Wha-a?" and then two then start bickering about society's idea of what a mother should be, blah blah, and Samantha tells him that raising him from babyhood was the best job she ever had. Gina asks Donna why things never worked out between Dylan and Kelly, and Donna correctly assumes she's asking 'cause she's trying to size up the competition. Sonia and the gangbangettes enter the store to return the birthday dress...and Sonia takes it out of the bag, says it has a rip, then proceeds to slice it up with a knife. One of the gangbangettes snickers and sneers at Donna, "So she don't owe you nuthin'" ... and as the idiots start cackling at Donna's predicament, Donna shoots Sonia a stricken look and whimpers, "I trusted you" to which Sonia coldly retorts, "You screwed up." After the posse saunters out, Gina rolls her eyes and can't resist telling Donna, "I told you so." Kelly drops by David's apartment to tell Dylan that Grandpa is being released from the hospital so he can die at home...hopefully off camera, and never to be mentioned again. She laments how he was never able to quit smoking, then changes the subject to their obnoxious on-again, off-again relationship. She says they're definitely more than just good friends, but that she had been doing pretty good before he suddenly reappeared. Dylan mumbles about how bad for her he is, but she tells him she doesn't care and then leans in for a smooch. Dylan is having a nightmare about Toni's killing when Noah hears him moaning and pokes him awake. He apologizes for remarking on the holes inside the Porsche and says that Donna just enlightened him about his wife being shot to death in the car. He tells Dylan he knows all about bad dreams after witnessing the immediate aftermath of his dad's suicide...but Dylan isn't up for any male bonding, snaps something dickish at him, and rudely slouches out of the room. Dylan puts a for sale sign on his Porsche and stares sadly at his beloved car. The end of an era. Hospital. Jackie and Kelly find Grandpa chatting with Matt, who has just announced he's quitting his pretend smoking habit. Jackie tells her father he's being released, and the old man beams happily while Kelly congratulates Matt on his healthy life choice. He invites her out on a date, and she kind of winces...which prompts Matt to tell her that he's fully aware of how hung up she still is on Slouchy, but that there's this other, better guy she's likely missing out on. Kelly stares into space looking conflicted. Sonia enters the boutique and tries to give Donna $10, insisting that the gangbangettes made her destroy the dress, and threatened to kick her out of the gang if she attended her birthday party. That's pretty cold, yo. They now want her to do a drug run...and when Donna advises her to get out of this horrendous situation, Sonia explains that in her neighborhood, you're either a gangbangette or their target. Donna warns her that being in a gang will either get her arrested or killed. Kelly and Jackie bring Grandpa home to Jackie's and Mel's condo and help him get settled. Once they promise to not put him on a ventilator or stick a feeding tube down his throat, they surprise him with a Christmas tree and a stack of presents. Kelly hands him a large gift to unwrap, and he looks happy and excited to celebrate his final holiday. After Dark. Steve summons his mom to the club and tells her it's OK with him if she does an interview on David's radio show, and reminds her that her fans - and he - will always love her. She warns him that the interview will probably cover her firing from the sitcom and recently declared lesbianism, but Steve - who has come totally around (from less than a day ago) about her life choice - tells her to be proud of who she is. He ushers her over to the DJ booth, where David hands her a pair of headphones and gushes to his listeners about his excitement in landing this interview. Dylan sells his car to a middle aged man and stares sadly after it as the man drives off. Gina ambles over to say hey and asks him if was really ready to let the car go...and he looks tortured as he mutters, "Yeah." Gina offers to give him a ride, but he says he has something that needs doing...and that it's in a place she wouldn't want to be. Dylan shuffles over to an alley and starts burning the wad of the cash he just got for the Porsche. What a dumbass. Give it to a charity if you don't want to keep it. A shady looking guy asks him what the hell he's doing, and Dylan mutters, "Burning my wife's ashes." The guy mulls over that nonsensical response and says he has something to help him out...and by something, he means a supply of drugs. When he suggests heroin, Dylan visibly perks up, so the guy hands him a small stash, then helps himself to some of the cash that Dylan was about to set on fire. Dylan clutches his newly acquired bag o' heroin while staring into space with a tortured expression on his increasingly wrinkly face. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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