Recap: David is doing another instalment of his shittastic radio show in the After Dark DJ booth, while a drunk Noah gets egged on by a crowd of people at the bar to get even drunker by chugging shots.
Bel Age Hotel. Kelly and Donna meet up with new series regular, Gina Kincaid, who's Donna's cousin and the show's official bitchy brunette now that Valerie has abruptly decided to move back to Buffalo (spoiler). Donna gushes to her figure skating cousin about her awesomeness and hands her a bouquet of roses...then introduces her to Kelly, who says she's heard lots of nice things about her. Gina's ice show manager, Arty, comes over to give her crap about her haughty attitude and complains that it's affecting her performance. Gina retorts by bitching about not getting a lead role in the show, and a fed up Arty fires her. Gina's all, "Wha-a?" but then puts on a fake smile, flounces back over to Donna and Kelly, and announces that she just quit the ice show.
After Dark. David gets an on-air call from a young blonde named Denise, who says she's bummed 'cause her parents made her break up with her boyfriend...and now he's dating someone else. David clutches a Where's Sophie? poster, then crumples it up and advises Denise to move on. Noah, meanwhile, is listening to David's radio show in his jeep as he drunkenly weaves all over the road. He soon falls asleep at the wheel, and we hear an ominous crashing noise as the screen fades to black, and then the sound of da na na na...da na na na...cha cha as the opening credits roll.
After Dark. Valerie pokes at Noah, who's slumped over the bar. He mumbles that he barely remembers last night, and Valerie says it's a good thing he spent the night at the club, 'cause there was a hit and run about a mile away and some kid on a bicycle got badly injured. Noah's all, "Ack!" and rushes outside to the parking lot to check on the state of his jeep...while an oblivious Valerie follows him out and tells him she's hosting Thanksgiving dinner at the Walsh house this year and hopes he can make it. She then hops into her car and drives off. Noah examines his jeep and sees that the front part is all twisted and crumpled, and his face turns ashen as he mutters, "Oh God...oh man..."
The Peach Pit. Gina asks Donna if she knows of a fun venue to meet with her agent, and Donna suggests the After Dark next door, and smarmily adds that it's her boyfriend's nightclub. Steve and Janet enter the diner looking more touchy-feely than usual, which prompts Donna to ask whassup with all the intimacy. Steve pulls her aside and admits that, yep, they knocked boots, but would like to keep it on the down-low. After he heads out again, Noah stumbles in with a visible bruise on his forehead. Donna's like, "Ew, what happened?" then tries to introduce him to Gina, but he moodily snaps, "Not now!" and stalks off. What a rude douche.
Valerie drops by Now Wear This to return the slinky red rave dress she shoplifted, and Kelly sarcastically compliments her on having the courtesy to return the item she stole. She then tells her she needs to come by the Walsh house sometime soon to pack up and mail the rest of Brandon's stuff, and Valerie's like fine, and invites her to Thanksgiving dinner...and when Matt ambles in, she invites him too. Matt asks Kelly if she wouldn't mind reminding Donna that she agreed to teach him how to dance so he doesn't look too dorky on the dance floor at his grandparents' upcoming anniversary party. He then says he hopes she comes to Valerie's Thanksgiving dinner, 'cause it would be nice to see her there. Mmm hmm..
Janet pitches a dopey story idea about a wife who's allergic to her husband - but Steve is too distracted by all the sex they've been having and wants to sort through the fuzziness of their commitment issues. Janet says they should just stick to being bed buddies, and reminds him that in all other areas of life, they find each other to be highly annoying. The two then start bickering, and - naturally - head over to the nearest closet to rip their clothes off and get it on.
After Dark. Gina complains to her agent Chris about getting fired from the ice show, and a weary looking Chris concurs with that decision and tells her she's gotten a bad rep 'cause of her unrelenting bitchitude. He reminds her that there aren't a lot of options for washed up figure skaters...and speaking of her being a washed up figure skater, he informs her he's dropping her as a client, effective right now. As Gina's brain gets all discombobulated, Donna suddenly appears and asks her if everything OK...and Gina shrugs it off and fibs about how she just had to fire Chris 'cause of how burned out she is from skating. A few seconds later, Noah comes over to tell Donna that he blacked out during his stupid drunken joyride last night and is pretty sure he hit someone.
Denise, David's caller from last night, stops by the DJ booth to flirt and perform a PG-rated lap dance.
The Walsh house. Kelly and Valerie are boxing up Brandon's stuff. Kelly starts browsing through some old letters and cards and just happens to come across one that Valerie wrote to Brandon, telling him that marrying Kelly was a bad idea. Valerie looks sheepish and apologizes for what she wrote, but Kelly gets furious and accuses her of giving Brandon the idea of calling off the wedding. She angrily storms off without giving Valerie a chance to explain...even though, according to my Season 8 finale recap, the decision to scrap the marriage was initially suggested by Kelly, which Brandon then agreed with. To the continuity challenged writers, I submit Exhibit A:
By scripted coincidence, Brandon and Kelly exit their dressing rooms at the exact same time. They have awkward chit-chat and exchange wedding gifts...and he reads her a poem entitled Somewhere I've Never Travelled. Kelly gets teary and tells him it's beautiful...then finally comes right out and says she no longer has any desire to become his missus. Brandon's like, "Phew! Me neither!"
Noah goes to the police station and tells the first cop he sees that he's pretty sure he's the hit and run driver that injured the boy cyclist.
David wakes up, catches Denise trying to sneak out of his bedroom, and blurts out, "Busted!" She promises to call him sometime, then gives him a quick kiss and leaves. A few seconds later, David sees that she left her beeper behind, so he phones the number on it and - ack! - ends up calling Denise's mother. She correctly assumes that he and her daughter hit the sheets, and angrily warns him to stay away from her seventeen year old child. Yuck, David.
While folding clothes at Now Wear This, Donna tells Kelly that the cops questioned Noah for hours about his possible involvement in the hit and run. Stupid moron. Valerie drops by to try to apologize again for her don't marry Kelly letter to Brandon, but Kelly refuses to hear her out and self-righteously flounces out of the store. When Valerie tries to appeal to Donna for mercy and kindness, Donna sanctimoniously tells her that the letter was a needlessly cruel thing to do...and that ever since Season 5, Brandon had worked overtime to smooth out her mistakes...but now that he's no longer on the show, she's going to have to either shape up or find a new group of friends. Or move back to Buffalo. Valerie stares into space with a stricken look on her face.
Matt is in his office, stiffly swaying to muzak when Kelly enters and watches him in amusement for a few seconds. She finally knocks on his desk and tells him that Donna won't be able to make their dance lesson...but that she'd be more than happy to give him some tips on how to boogie.
Janet and Steve interview the woman who's allergic to her husband but insists on staying married to him 'cause they're deeply in love. Steve isn't into the story at all ('cause it's boring and stupid), so he cuts the interview short and hustles the old couple out of the newsroom. Janet tells him she thinks it's romantic and promises to make the story as sensationalistic as possible, and Steve's like, "Whatever" and invites her to dinner. Janet declines 'cause she has a date tonight, and reminds him that their off-hours contact is supposed to be limited to between the sheets...then offers to meet up with him for a quickie after her date.
David runs into Valerie at the grocery store while she's stocking up for Thanksgiving dinner. He informs her that everyone has decided to ditch her dinner in favor of Kelly's dinner at the beach house...and that it's 'cause of the don't marry Kelly letter she wrote to Brandon that everyone is simultaneously appalled by. Valerie says she was only telling the truth, then gets upset and starts tossing all of her grocery items into his shopping cart while sadly mumbling, "I hate her."
After Dark. Noah informs Gina that her credit card was rejected, but says it's all good 'cause her drinks are on the house. Gina says the ice show must have cancelled her expense account, then heads over to the nearest pay phone to pretend to sort out her finances. Noah gives Donna an update on the hit and run and tells her that the police are still investigating him to determine if he was the jerk-off responsible for injuring that poor boy.
Denise is waiting for David in front of his apartment, and he stonily tells her he'll go get her pager so she can be on her way. She apologizes for not telling him she's a minor before hitting the sheets, and he shakes his head in bewilderment and says, "You don't look seventeen." Denise tells him they're in big trouble, then explains that after their doink she got into a big fight with her parents, for some reason admitted what she did and with whom, and now they're refusing to let this blow over. And by refusing to let this blow over, she means that they intend to report David to the police for committing statutory rape.
Noah drops by the hospital to visit the boy who was injured in the hit and run. He fibs to the nurse and tells her he's the boy's brother, and the nurse informs him that he hasn't regained consciousness. Noah steps inside the room, sits by the lad's bedside, and puts his tortured face on.
Beach house. As David and Kelly unpack their groceries, David mentions that he ran into Valerie at the supermarket. He says she's very hurt by the gang's abandonment 'cause of a stupid letter that had no actual part in cancelling Kelly's/Brandon's marriage, but Kelly just rolls her eyes and says that Valerie is always playing the victim. David says she kinda is a victim, then tells her about the molestation at the hands of Papa Malone, and that Valerie was eventually driven to shoot him. Kelly pales and mutters, "I didn't know.." and after David leaves, she stares contemplatively into space.
The Walsh house. Steve tells Janet, post coitus, that he'd like to make some adjustments to their bed buddy agreement...but Janet says she likes the status quo and reminds him that she's still dating Andy. Steve gets annoyed at how casually she's treating their romps, and she accuses him of being jealous, which he denies...blah blah. Just get married, have your baby, and shut up forever.
David goes to Denise's house in an attempt to explain to her mom that he had no knowledge that Denise was underage pre-penetration. Her mom glares at him and sneers, "How dare you come to our home!" and reminds him that sex with a minor is a felony. David implores her to let him explain his side of the story, but she angrily slams the door in his face.
The Walsh house. Kelly drops by with a bag of groceries and breezily tells Valerie she's here to help out with Thanksgiving dinner. Valerie glares at her and shuts the door...but then Kelly runs around to the back of the house and enters through the kitchen. Valerie growls in frustration and asks whassup with the sudden change of heart, and Kelly says that David blabbed to her about her pedophile father and his provoked killing. Valerie snaps, "I don't need your pity!" and Kelly says she's merely trying to be a friend. Valerie opens the kitchen door and coldly says goodbye...and when Kelly refuses to leave until she agrees to let her help out with dinner, Valerie grabs the turkey from her grocery bag, tosses it outside, and snarls, "What dinner?" A dismayed Kelly finally throws in the towel and leaves.
After Dark. A drunken Noah is once again getting more drunk on shots. When Donna rushes over to ask whassup with his constant binge-drinking, he tells her that the hit and run victim died today. Donna gasps and wails, "I can't look at you!" and he shamefully staggers to the other end of the bar. When Gina saunters over to ask Donna if everything's OK, Donna tells her she can't deal with her mess of a boyfriend - but at the same time is worried he's going to do something crazy. Gina offers to babysit the drunkard, then makes a beeline over to the bar where Noah is slumped.
Steve runs into Janet at Blockbusters while they're picking out movies to watch. She pretends she had to cancel her date with Andy...and the two spend a few annoying minutes babbling nonsense without actually listening to what the other is saying. Steve sees that she's renting Dave and suggests they watch it together, but she makes a blech face and says she'd rather not. Steve puts his hurt face on and asks her why she hates him so much, but then doesn't wait for an answer and dejectedly shuffles out of the store.
Gina and Noah amble around a boardwalk/fair thing...and when Noah spots a photo booth, he urges Gina to follow him inside. The two cram themselves inside the little booth...and when the camera is ready to shoot, they start smooching.
David tells Matt he needs some legal assistance defusing a sex-with-a-minor situation, then explains how he met Denise and didn't realize until after consensually doinking her that she's only seventeen years old. Matt scrunches his face concernedly and says that the fact that the sex was consensual is meaningless if she's a minor. Kelly, who's been eavesdropping on the conversation, points out that since Denise managed to get into the After Dark, she must have done so with fake ID, which proves she was lying about her age. Matt thinks that over and goes, "True" but warns David that he could still be looking at jail time.
The Walsh house. Gina drives Noah home and deposits him atop his bed. She then lays next to him and tells him about a boy she once liked...and that she only liked him 'cause Donna liked him first. Uh oh, unhealthy cousin rivalry alert. Noah grunts something unintelligible and passes out...and then Gina puts the strip of photo booth photos on top of him for Donna to find, smiles evilly, and leaves the room.
The next morning, Donna and Gina bound into Noah's room to give him the good news that the hit and run driver was actually a woman from Pasadena. Noah's all, "Wha-a?" and gives Donna a relieved thank you hug. Gina spots the photo booth photos and grabs them, prompting Donna to ask what those are. Gina, who has decided to delay her psychological game-playing, says she'll show them to her later (meaning never), then hightails it out of the room. Noah promises Donna that his binge-drinking days are over and gives her another relieved hug.
Janet shows Steve her article about the allergic wife, then hands him the Dave movie. He tells her he'd like to watch it together, but Janet says she's concerned that if they start acting like a couple, they'll be a couple...and that it will lead to one of them, probably her, getting hurt.
The Walsh house. Valerie is sitting home alone, sadly eating a TV dinner when the 90210 gang suddenly barges in with a Thanksgiving feast. Kelly apologizes to Valerie for treating her so shittily, and Valerie concedes that she's done her share of shitty things to her too...and the two hug it out. Kelly then notices a cluster of boxes stacked up in the dining room and says she needs to ship those to Brandon...but Valerie puts her solemn face on and replies, "They're not Brandon's."
David freaks out to Matt about possibly going to jail, while Noah tells Donna he's pretty sure that the thing he smashed into the other night was a dumpster. Everyone gathers in the living room where all the food is being served...and Valerie announces that she's thought it over carefully and has decided to finally abandon the sinking ship that is Beverly Hills, 90210, Season 9. Apparently, Michelle Phillips has asked her to move back home, and she's taking her up on the offer and leaving tonight. She admits she's hurt people during her 4+ seasons on the show, but is thankful to have such forgiving friends. She then raises her glass and chirps, "Cheers!" and forbids any sappy goodbyes. After dinner, David walks Valerie to her cab and tells her how much he'll miss her. She says she'll miss him also, tells him to never look back, then gives him a teary hug before climbing into the cab and forever disappearing from the Beverly Hills, 90210 universe. Bye-bye Val!
Gina slips away to call her mom, who refers to Felice as a "rich bitch" I guess 'cause she's always been jealous of her sister for landing a doctor. Gina tells her mom that Donna has her own boutique and smarmily announces that she's decided to stay in Beverly Hills for awhile.
Matt helps Kelly clean up the dishes, then tells her he had a great time tonight. She gives him a cheek kiss, and then he leans in and gives her a full on lip kiss. Mmm hmm.. Steve gathers up the garbage and opens the door to take it outside and - ack and double ack!! - runs straight into Dylan McKay, whose sweaty forehead is looking more wrinkly than ever. Steve squeals with delight and gives his friend a manly hug, and then everyone else rushes over to the foyer to welcome ol' Slouchy back to 90210. Hurray! Donna asks him how Brenda is doing, and he smirks and says, "Why don't you call and ask her?" Heh. Kelly and Matt emerge from the kitchen and are all, "Wha-at's going on?" and then Kelly looks shocked at the sight of Dylan. She asks him how long he's in town for, and he says he doesn't know, then says he's waiting for his Kelly hug. She indulges him, and then Steve pops open a bottle of champagne - a dumbass move considering Dylan is a recovering (I will assume) alcoholic. A confused Matt asks Kelly who the brooding hipster is, and she vaguely says, "Just an old friend" then stares intently at Dylan as he creepishly leers back at her with a strangely demonic look in his eyes.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Disclaimer: While reading these recaps, you may encounter spoilers of future episodes. If this matters to you in any way, shield yourself from reading this content.
If not, carry on..
Recapper: Isabel K. French
~ If you enjoy these recaps, thank me by buying me a "coffee"!