Recap: Kelly is sitting in the dark in the beach house living room, brooding because it's been three days since Brandon left for New York...and he hasn't called her to let her know how his job interview went. Not sure why this would be an issue now that these two have decided to definitely, absolutely, for sure split up - move on! Donna helps her analyze the possible reasons he couldn't get to a phone...blah blah...then shifts the subject to tomorrow's memorial service for Papa Hunter: another snorefest of a storyline. Kelly turns on the TV and moans about how she doesn't know what to do with her life...and Donna advises her to consider all of her options and assures her that sooner or later she's likely to stumble upon something she likes.
Sophie is quietly getting dressed in the dark when David wakes up and calls her out on how she's always sneakily leaving his bed in the middle of the night. She tells him that their hookup is moving so fast, and that sneaking back to the Walsh house before dawn is her way of slowing things down. She bullcacks about how she's on the waiting list for a UC dorm room, and that she'd prefer to not alienate Steve, the only guy dumb enough to not see through her con artist ways and offer her a place to live. David goes, "What if I did?" ... but when Sophie asks him if he's really inviting her to move in with him, he just stares back at her blankly. She rolls her eyes at his non-answer, snaps, "I'm outa here" and heads out.
At the grave-side funeral, Mama Hunter is speaking on behalf of her late husband while Noah stares stonily into space. When Mama Hunter finishes her speech, Noah takes her place in front of the mourners but can't bring himself to read his prepared eulogy. He mumbles something about how his father liked martinis, then leaves it at that and hightails it across the cemetery while chugging from a flask. That scene probably shouldn't have made me laugh out loud.
The Beverly Beat. Steve has installed Sophie as the Beat's newest columnist - a decision that fails to impress Janet. Janet tells Steve she's been working on an online version of the Beat, then shows him the homepage of beverlybeat.com...and that if all goes well, the website could result in more readers and paying subscribers. Sophie stares at the homepage with disdain and haughtily says that a website is a great idea, "just not this one" as if a self-involved airhead like herself is any kind of web expert. She suggests they install a live webcam to capture all the "hustle and bustle of the newsroom", and Janet looks around at the nothingness currently going on in the newsroom and mutters, "Yeah, that's happening" - LOL - while Steve perks up at the bonehead idea and promises to pick up a webcam asap.
Bel Age Hotel. Carl is having lunch with Valerie at the hotel restaurant, gabbling excitedly about how much he digs her ever since they doinked the night before his wedding. Valerie's like, "Gross" and admonishes him for calling her while on his honeymoon with her mother, then tells him she considers their doinkfest in Las Vegas a huge mistake. Michelle Phillips enters the restaurant, cluelessly suspects nothing when she sees the two sitting together, and gaily joins them for lunch.
Beach house. Donna and Kelly return home after Papa Hunter's funeral...and Donna moans about all the work on her Donna Martin originals she has ahead of her. Kelly tells her she was doing a lot of thinking during the funeral and that she's finally decided what to do with her life and pronounces, "I'm going to live it." Er...OK. Seems about as dumb and vague as when she declared I choose me when both Brandon and Dylan were vying for her affections, but whatever. She manages to persuade Donna to put off working on her designs for a few hours and join her for coffee and a leisurely walk.
The Beverly Beat. David installs a webcam so that the viewers of beverlybeat.com can keep up with all the non-existent hustle and bustle of the newsroom. Janet stands in front of the camera and hands Sophie her article with red edits scribbled all over it (haha!) and Sophie responds by shooting her an angry stink-eye. David tells Steve he's not thrilled about him giving Sophie her own column, so Steve explains that he mostly did it so he can spend more time with her...'cause why hire columnists on the basis of their writing abilities? David asks him if he's ever considered the possibility that she's not interested in him, and Steve says he's considered that...but then quickly puts the thought out of his mind 'cause he prefers living in a fantasy world. During all this, the webcam is capturing the riveting footage of Sophie sitting at her desk, putting on lipstick.
Kelly and Donna amble into a small shopping center, where Kelly spots a cute blonde guy - it's our first sighting of Matt! - sitting at a table in a coffee shop. She rushes over to a magazine stand so she can more covertly ogle him. After he leaves, she notices an empty store space that's available for lease, then announces to Donna, "We just found our new workplace!" and whips out her cell phone and calls the number on the for lease sign. Donna just stares at her in bewilderment and is all, "Wha-at's going on?!"
After Dark. Sophie stands in front of the glass DJ booth, dancing sexily for David while he broadcasts his shittastic radio show. Michelle Phillips arrives at the club to inform Valerie that Carl wants an annulment and asks her daughter if she has any clue as to what may have happened there. Valerie dismissively tells her that Carl's a jerk - but Michelle Phillips ignores the insult and continues to ponder her marriage mess, noting that Carl seemed happy at lunch, and that she deludedly thought he was the one. Valerie gives her a comforting hug while staring sheepishly into space.
Noah is driving his jeep and chugging from his flask. A police officer spots him weaving in both lanes and pulls him over and orders him to step out of the vehicle. He asks Noah to count backwards from 100, then recite the alphabet...and Noah giggles stupidly and mumbles about how "D is for death". The unimpressed police officer arrests him for driving under the influence and being in possession of an open container of alcohol while driving.
Sophie drops by David's apartment to show him the latest issue of The Beverly Beat, which somehow features her mug on the lower left corner of the cover. David asks her if Steve has any clue that she's only pretending to be friends with him simply to get whatever she can out of him, and she angrily snaps, "Take that back." David retorts, "I wish I could" and the two mutely glare at each other.
A realtor is showing Kelly and Donna the vacant store space when Matt drops by. He tells them he's a lawyer and has an office upstairs, then asks if they're the new tenants...and if so, he has a list of ex-convict clients who could help them with any renovations or construction work they need done. Donna briefly steps away to take a phone call and learns that Noah has been arrested for DUI. Matt asks her if her drunken friend has an attorney - but before Donna can answer, Kelly chirps, "He does now!"
After Dark. Carl corners Valerie in the parking lot, and she irritably snaps, "Leave me alone!" Carl complains about her not returning his calls, and that he annulled his marriage 'cause he thought they might start something. What a dumbfuck. Valerie makes it clear that she hates him, along with herself for ruining her mother's life...especially when she was supposed to be living a life of decency after her recent AIDS scare. She snarls at him to go away, then flounces into the club.
The Beverly Beat. Janet continues to be justifiably annoyed by Sophie's presence in the newsroom, particularly the way she strategically places herself in front of the webcam. Sophie tells Steve she's working on a column about David to generate some much needed publicity for his new radio show, and Steve tells her he thinks that that kind of brazen nepotism is an excellent idea for the Beat. He then gushes about what a huge hit she is with webcam viewers - LOL - and wanks her about how she's going to be a big star.
Matt accompanies Noah to court...and when Noah is called before the judge to enter a plea, he blurts out, "Not guilty!" before Matt has a chance to speak on his behalf. After they leave the courtroom, Matt warns Noah that he could get probation or lose his license if he's found guilty...which he is 'cause he was definitely driving drunk, the dumbfuck. He then hands Noah his business card and says to give him a call if he actually wants legal representation.
After Dark. Michelle Phillips appears and asks Valerie if she's heard from her soon-to-be ex, and Valerie blurts out, "I slept with Carl!" Michelle Phillips stares at her in stunned horror, then shrieks, "You are sooo sick!" and Valerie angrily retorts, "Yeah, well, sleeping with your father will do that." Ew. Michelle Phillips puts her sad face on and says she had no idea she hated her so much, so Valerie snarks at her for knowing about the abuse, but doing nothing about it. She then informs her mother that her incest-loving pedophile pop didn't actually commit suicide and snarls, "I killed him." Michelle Phillips looks shocked and appalled, then closes her eyes in order to let the horror of Valerie's admission sink in.
Kelly and Matt are watching a group of ex-convicts fix up their new store. Matt tells her he's waiting for a client who's going through a divorce and custody battle...and when the client arrives a few minutes later, it's - ack! - wife-beater Lenny from last season's The Elephant's Father episode. Kelly scrunches her face in confusion and says he looks familiar, but that she can't quite place him.
Kelly and Donna start stocking their newly renovated store space with Donna Martin originals - those ex-convicts are extremely speedy workers - and Matt drops by and compliments Donna's shittastic designs. He tells her that Noah hired him as his attorney, then offers to help her transport the rest of their boxes. Kelly returns to the store after having stepped out for a few minutes and notices that Matt left behind his files, then gets nosy and snoops through the file on top. She sees a photo of Lenny and his wife Leah, and suddenly remembers that Leah came to the Wyatt Clinic for treatment after being domestically abused.
After Dark. David sees Sophie enter the club, hand in hand with Steve. He makes a beeline over to their table and tells the two he just got a call from a listener who isn't sure if his girlfriend is really interested in him. Sophie quickly informs David that they're here to interview him for the Beat in order to generate publicity for his radio show...but David just shrugs disinterestedly and continues to gabble about his caller's predicament. Steve says he thinks the caller's girlfriend should just tell the truth about whether or not she's into the guy...and while he's saying that, Sophie is shooting the stink-eye at David.
A drunken Noah arrives at the beach house to bare his soul to Donna - but she refuses to listen to him natter about his problems while in a drunken state. She reminds him he's due in court tomorrow and offers to call him a cab.
The Beverly Beat. David drops by the newsroom at 3:00am after being summoned there by Sophie. He tells her that this sneaking around crap is over...starting now, I guess. She cocks her head coquettishly and asks, "Are we?" and I guess the answer to that is no, 'cause the two start rubbing up against each other and then earnestly smooch. When David realizes they're making out directly in front of the webcam, Sophie tosses her sweater over it...but as they continue to smooch and then strip off their clothes, the sweater slips off the camera and captures their ugly bumping in all of its glory.
The Walsh house. Steve happens to be in the kitchen at that moment, fixing himself a snack. He logs onto beverlybeat.com - I guess to catch all the hustle and bustle of the newsroom at 3:00am - and sees the grainy footage of Sophie and David getting it on.
Kelly barges into Matt's office and bitchily asks him how he sleeps at night, then snarks about what a monster his client Lenny is. She explains that she met Lenny's wife at a medical clinic she worked at last season and learned that he's a chronic wife-beater. Matt reminds her that he's a lawyer and that just 'cause he represents clients doesn't mean he condones their behavior. Kelly glares at him and sanctimoniously snarls, "I'm sure battered women across the U.S. will be moved."
Steve storms over to David's apartment with several boxes of Sophie's stuff. When David answers the door, Steve throws the boxes at him and barks, "She's moving out!" Bwahaha! Sophie rushes over in her t-shirt and pajama bottoms, and Steve glares at her with disgust and yells at her to have the decency to at least put a robe on (!) then calls her an opportunist and a selfish bitch. He angrily tells David that he saw the two of them going at it on the Internet, then storms back to his car. Sophie grabs her boxes and snappishly tells David that an invitation to move into his place would be really nice right about now - but David just glares at her and accusingly retorts that Steve wouldn't be so upset if he thought he had some kind of chance with her. He then calls her out on her bullcack about being on the waiting list for a UC dorm room, remarking that she hasn't been to class in weeks, and also knows that she's been spending all of her student loan money on frivolous crap. Sophie meekly says she has other spending priorities - LOL - and when David accuses her of being deceptive, she grabs her boxes and storms off to God knows where, given that she's just alienated the two people she's been able to freeload off of since her arrival in Beverly Hills.
The Walsh house. Michelle Phillips is railing at Valerie for doinking Carl, and Valerie explains that the sole reason she had invited her to fly out to L.A. was to beat the dead horse's head that is the incest storyline involving her dead father by hashing the whole dumb thing out again...and was miffed that she dragged Carl along. Michelle Phillips stares at her incredulously and barks, "You staged a suicide!" and Valerie stonily retorts, "He got what he deserved." Michelle Phillips scrunches her face angrily and gives her an ultimatum: either she turns herself in or she'll tattle on her to the authorities.
Court house. Matt is delivering a vigorous defence of Noah's DUI charge, accusing the police officer of using an unreliable breathalyzer. The judge reminds Matt that Noah was driving erratically...then goes, "Whatever" and fines him $1,000 along with an order to attend AA meetings.
The Beverly Beat. With no one left to sponge off of, Sophie crashes on the couch in the newsroom - in full view of the webcam. She snuggles under a blanket and tries to look as sad and pitiful as possible.
After Dark. David gets a call on his radio show from a listener who found his girlfriend in bed with another guy. Yeesh. David urges him to dump her like yesterday's news, then bloviates about how this kind of thing happens to a lot of people. Kind of like the time he cheated on Donna by doinking Ariel Hunter in the back of a limo during the Season 4 finale.
Donna's at home, reading aloud the eulogy that Noah wrote for his father but was unable to deliver during the funeral...and as she's reading it, we see that Noah is driving his jeep - hopefully not while under the influence - and weeping.