Recap: Kelly, Donna, and Gina are on their way to the boutique, chatting about the upcoming 'Fight AIDS Charity Dance-a-thon' at the After Dark. Kelly laughingly remarks on what a shitty dancer Matt is, and Gina perks up at that and asks, "You're not going with Dylan?" and Kelly says no. For some reason, Gina fibs and says she's going to the dance-a-thon with David - just as the new security guard, Stewart, ambles over to say hey. Donna explains to the gals that the jewelry store in the mall just got robbed, hence the added security. Gina says that the gangbangettes are probably responsible for the break-in and snarkishly tells Donna they need to do a better job of keeping those hooligans away from their merchandise. Donna argues that Sonia is doing great, then tells viewers that she employed her at Now Wear This so she could work off the money she cost them when she sliced up a dress during the previous episode. Dylan appears out of nowhere and invites Kelly to breakfast, but she declines and says they're too busy with the Christmas rush. Donna assures her it's totes OK if she bails on them, and Gina cheekily offers to take Kelly's place and have breakfast with Slouchy. Kelly sarcastically coos, "You are sooo thoughtful" then tells Dylan she's definitely in. After they leave, Gina grumbles that Kelly doesn't appreciate all the work she puts in at the store - but Donna insists that they're both very appreciative of her retail help during the holiday season. When they open up the store, they're shocked to find Sonia and a guy named Tony camped out in sleeping bags on the floor. When Donna's all, "Wha-a-at's going on here?" Sonia springs to her feet and earnestly explains that there was nowhere else for them to go.
Dylan takes Kelly to the airport and tells her they're jetting off to Cabo San Lucas for some huevos rancheros. He points at the small plane they'll be taking, and she giggles with delight.
Donna makes Sonia promise that there won't be anymore incidents at the store with the gangbangettes. Gina rolls her eyes in disgust at her lax attitude, then smirkingly asks her what Noah has planned for her birthday. Donna says she doesn't know, and that he's probably forgotten all about it, it being on Christmas Day and all. One of the gangbangettes suddenly storms into the boutique, gets all in Sonia's face, and barks, "Didn't I warn you about Tony?!" and Sonia pleads, "Not here!" The gangbangette shrieks, "He's mine!" and pulls out a knife, then says if she doesn't stop messing with Tony she'll be kicked out of the gang and very possibly end up in a body bag. Stewart ambles in and asks if there's a problem here, but then stares on uselessly as the gangbangette waves her knife and yells, "Body bag!" at a quivering Sonia.
Cabo. Dylan and Kelly are sitting on an outdoor patio, chowing down on their heuvos rancheros. She asks him why he brought her to Mexico, and he says he's curious to know where he stands with her. (That doesn't really answer her question, but OK.) She's like, "I dunno" and tells him she's been seeing Matt...and Dylan pulls the plug on anymore relationship talk and suggests they just enjoy a fun day in Cabo.
The Peach Pit. Matt advises Steve against publishing a celebrity news story he just paid $2,000 for 'cause he could end up with another lawsuit. Steve says it takes money to make money and anticipates that the salacious story will yield a good return for the Beat. Janet wearily points out that respectable newspapers don't buy their stories...but since Steve has long given up on living his life with any kind of respectability, he just shrugs in complete indifference. Noah comes over and asks Steve if he'd be interested in forking over a donation to the Fight AIDS dance-a-thon and make the Beat an official sponsor of the event...and Steve mulls that over, decides it would probably be a good opportunity to network among rich Hollywood types, and agrees to donate $1,000.
Cabo. Dylan and Kelly are ambling around a flea market. They try on silly hats, and then Dylan buys a small sculpture and gives it to Kelly to hold onto while he excuses himself to transact with his drug supplier. When he returns, he covertly slips the heroin inside the sculpture and makes a point of telling Kelly that religious artifacts don't have to be declared at the border. I highly doubt that's true, but then I'm a recapper not a U.S./Mexico Border Inspection expert.
David is the official DJ for the dance-a-thon ('cause who else but David is capable of MCing?), and publicly thanks The Beverly Beat for sponsoring $12,000 in the fight against AIDS. Steve pales and is all, "Wuh?" then rushes over to the booth to tell David there must be a mistake. He says he only agreed to pledge $1,000, so David explains that he pledged $1,000 per hour of dancing, and Steve looks confused, and then aghast at the misunderstanding that would have been easy enough for Noah to have clarified when Steve had agreed to pledge $1,000. David pretends to not notice his freakout, and Janet just stares into space looking increasingly despondent.
In the mall, Noah and Gina are discussing Donna's surprise birthday plans, blah blah, and then she tells him that a gangbangette pulled a knife on them this morning. Noah's all, "Wuh?" and rushes over to the store to ask Donna if she's OK, and she assures him she's fine. He tells her they can't afford to have gang problems over the holidays, since it's their most profitable time of year...then turns to Sonia and tells her to do Donna a favor and take a hike. Sonia looks sad but agrees to leave, and Noah insists to a dismayed Donna that canning Sonia is best for everyone. Not sure where he gets off firing Donna's employee, but she just stands there mutely and doesn't utter a peep in Sonia's defence.
Kelly and Dylan return to the beach house with bags of Mexican souvenirs. They laugh about the awesome day they just had, then press up against each other and start smooching. When Matt phones to see whassup, Kelly fibs and tells him she spent the day shopping with a friend...and while she's doing that, Dylan covertly pulls the bag o' heroin out of the sculpture and shoves it into his pocket. Kelly tells Matt they're still on for the dance-a-thon, and Dylan stands behind her and tries to distract her by nuzzling her neck. When she hangs up the phone, he smugly tells her he likes that she lied to Matt...but Kelly says she isn't happy 'bout that and insists she really cares for the hapless dolt.
Now Wear This. Gina makes snarkish remarks to Kelly for ditching work all day yesterday so she could lollygag in Mexico. She pretends to not see Matt enter the store and loudly asks how long it took her to travel to Mexico, then looks faux surprised when Matt scrunches his face in confusion and goes, "Huh? Mexico?" Kelly admits that, yep, she went to Mexico with Dylan yesterday, and Matt looks hurt about being lied to and quickly hightails it back to his office. Kelly glares at Gina, who's smugly smirking to herself.
After Dark. Janet urges Steve to withdraw the $12,000 pledge he unwittingly made, but Steve refuses 'cause he doesn't want to look grinchy in front of the other sponsors. He points out Muntz (and his wife Julie) and tells Janet he'd like to sponsor them for the dance-a-thon 'cause of how fat and out of shape Muntz is...meaning it's unlikely he'll last on the dance floor for more than a couple of hours. But when he goes over to chat with Muntz, he learns that Muntz has embarked on a healthy living campaign, lost thirty pounds, and he and Julie have been working with a trainer to get in shape for the dance-a-thon. Womp womp!
Gina drops by Casa David...and when Dylan answers the door, she pretends she's looking for David. She asks him if he's going to Donna's birthday party, then snarks, "How was Mexico?" ... and when he declines to answer, she asks him if he's entering the dance-a-thon. He says he isn't, but that he overheard her tell Donna and Kelly that she's going with David, and this makes her wince sheepishly. David arrives home with a bag full of Chinese food, and Dylan tells him that Gina really wants to go to the dance-a-thon with him...even though he's MCing and won't actually be dancing. David refrains from pointing any of this out and is just like, "Er, OK..?"
Now Wear This. Noah apologizes to Donna about kicking Sonia out of the store, but explains that he only did it to ensure her safety. Sonia suddenly bursts in and carries on about how one of the gangbangettes named Lucy is preggers with Tony's baby. She wails, "He was my ticket out!" Donna tells her to forget about the deadbeat, but Sonia explains that her master plan was for Tony to knock her up so she could escape gang life. Yikes. Sounds like an idea fraught with issues she hasn't even begun to think deeply enough about. Donna offers her her job back, which prompts Noah to be all, "Wha-a-a?"
The Peach Pit. Kelly enters the diner and seats herself beside Matt. She explains that Dylan surprised her with his breakfast invitation, and had no idea they'd end up in Mexico. A few seconds later, Dylan slouches into the diner and hovers over the two, causing Matt to finally hit his limit. He tells Kelly he's no longer OK with "playing backup" and refuses to compete with someone so moody and slouchy. He then starts rambling about how much he loooooves the cheap burritos at a dive called Tommy's Tacos, and doesn't feel the need to fly to Mexico just to order a meal. After that, he gets his coffee to go and huffily exits the diner. Kelly shakes her head at Dylan and mutters, "I can't do this now" and rushes out after Matt. Gina, who has been sitting at a nearby table watching the embarrassing spectacle, shoots Dylan a smug grin. He lurches over to her table and says he's decided to move on from his Kelly fixation and invites her out for dinner. When he asks her what kind of food she likes, she chirps, "I like to fly!" ... and he perks up at the thought of smuggling in another heroin fix from Mexico and goes, "So do I."
After spending the evening in Mexico, Gina and Dylan return to the boutique, where - ack! -Donna and Kelly are dealing with the aftermath of a robbery. Kelly glances over at Gina and notices that she's holding a religious artifact similar to the one Dylan bought her a day earlier. Gina places it on the counter, and Dylan stares at it longingly 'cause it's probably safe to assume it's stuffed with heroin...but he doesn't seem to want to risk the police seeing him extract his bag of drugs out of it, so he's forced to leave it behind.
Kelly assures Matt that nothing happened between her and Dylan in Mexico, and that there's not going to be a next time. She wants to start seeing him again, but Matt says he's worried that Dylan might swoop in again with one of his grand gestures, which he can't compete with. Kelly assures him he doesn't need to compete, then urges him to enter the dance-a-thon with her. He laughs and warns her how terrible a dancer he is, and she promises to wear protective shoes.
Dance-a-thon. Steve urges the Muntzes to throw in the towel at the first sign of fatigue, but the two look fired up and ready to dance the night away. LOL. Noah and Gina go over the last minute details of Donna's birthday surprise - bo-ring - and David kicks off the dance marathon by introducing Brian Setzer (the lead guy from the Stray Cats!) and his awesome orchestra. We then get a lot of superfluous footage of people boogying.
Dylan is skulking around the mall, staring desperately at the sculpture inside Now Wear This. Unfortunately for him, the police are still hanging around investigating the crime scene, so he refrains from making a move.
Three hours later, the dance-a-thon has raised $24,000 for the fight against AIDS. Steve pours the Muntzes a pair of stiff drinks in the hopes that they'll get too drunk to continue dancing.
As Stewart locks up the boutique, Dylan creepily watches from a dark corner.
Donna tells Noah she's worried about Sonia and her gang problems, then hints that she's bummed he forgot about her birthday. Noah ushers her toward the Peach Pit, giving her the excuse he wants to take her someplace quiet, then turns the lights on as her cast mates yell, "Surprise!" Donna beams happily, then hugs Noah and gushes, "I love you!" A giant cake is wheeled over, and Donna stares at it in a bemused way, then shrugs off whatever was bothering her about it and blows out the candles. An irked looking Noah pulls Gina into the back room and snarks about his how disappointed in her he is, then reminds her that Donna is allergic to chocolate and won't be able to eat her own birthday cake.
Nope. Sorry, continuity challenged writers...but Donna is not allergic to chocolate. I doubted it so much I went so far as to do a chocolate keyword search of my past recaps and came up with two pieces of evidence that I believe refute this alleged allergy:
Ahn-drea and Donna are the only two who have shown up to the pretend sorority meeting, and they're enjoying chocolate milkshakes.
David lets himself in the apartment and bellows, "Happy Valentine's Day!" and enters Donna's room with roses, chocolates, and a teddy bear. Donna gives him a thank you kiss, then asks him to put the roses in some water...so David and Clare head off to the kitchen and discuss how alarmed they are at Donna's withdrawal from the world.
So there. In hindsight, you maybe should have gone with a nut allergy instead.
Gina gets angry and snarks back that she doesn't exist to serve Donna - yet her whole life has been "Donna this, Donna that". In the midst of railing about Donna, Donna suddenly appears in the doorway and overhears her, then contorts her ginormous face into a look of shocked poutishness and tells Gina she had no idea she hated her this much. Everyone hates you, Donna. With the intensity of a thousand suns. Gina's like, "Um, d'yuh" and says it's been super shitty to eat her crumbs all these years, then self-piteously complains that no one has ever thrown her a surprise birthday party. OK, well...I'm not a Donna fan, but that probably has a lot to do with Gina's chronic bitchiness and subsequent lack of friends.
After Dark. A sweaty, twitchy, heroin craving Dylan tries to convince Kelly to go back to the boutique with him so he can retrieve something he desperately needs. Kelly is annoyed that he's bugging her after taking Gina to Mexico, and Matt is annoyed that she's even talking to the Slouchster. Kelly snarks, "It's over!" then storms away...and is dismayed when she sees that a fed up Matt has found another woman to dance with.
Gina is at the bar, drinking, when Dylan slouches over to her. She tells him she saw him fighting with Kelly, and he mumbles, "Kelly who?" and tells her he really really needs to get his hands on the Mayan sculpture she left in the boutique, 'cause it'll bring him luck. Gina buys his nonsensical excuse and agrees to let him into the store.
The dance-a-thon finally wraps up at daybreak. Everyone looks tired - except Muntz and Julie, who are still going strong...and Steve looks irked when the two are awarded the grand prize of $5,000, which they decline in favor of donating back to the charity. Kelly asks Matt if he would take her someplace, and he agrees and heads out with her. Janet tells Steve that because of his enforced generosity in donating $12,000 to the fight against AIDS, lots of other sponsors want to do business with the Beat...and during the dance-a-thon she was able to sell sell twice the normal amount of ad space. Steve's all, "Yay!" and the two start smooching.
Donna runs into Sonia in the After Dark parking lot...and she's all beaten up from the ass-kicking she just got from the gangbangettes during the process of booting her out of the gang. She tells Donna they had ordered her to rob the boutique, but Stewart beat her to it. Donna's all, "Wha-a? Stewart?" then apologizes to Sonia for doubting her.
Kelly gets Matt to take her to Tommy's Tacos, and the two enjoy cheap burritos and each other's company.
Dylan and Gina are in bed together, enjoying some post-coital afterglow. He puts a pin in the canoodling to lumber into the bathroom and take a hit of heroin.
Noah has another birthday present for Donna: lightly falling snow in the After Dark! He then presents her with a tacky piece of jewelry that his dad once gave to his mom...and she claps her hands together happily, kisses him, and the two finish up this pointless episode by dancing together underneath a fake snowfall.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
12/15/2018 09:15:27 pm
Omg you are a fantastic writer! I feel like I’ve seen the episode now and I love your to the point hillarious commentary in it! If you wrote a book I’d buy it!
Isabel K French
12/15/2018 10:13:43 pm
Thanks for the kind words! I definitely aspire to be published one day..
12/31/2018 08:24:01 am
I agree. I found this website when i was trying to catch up on the episodes that aren’t on Hulu. But i think i enjoy reading your recaps more. I’ve even watched an episode and went back to read what you said about it cause these last few seasons are so cringeworthy.
11/30/2021 09:24:44 pm
I'm a fan now too. Hulu keeps screwing me with these missing episodes and this is THEEE PLACE to go if you want thorough details, kind of like saying "I like the book better than the movie".,know what I mean?
1/5/2019 05:17:48 am
I started reading episodes that are omitted from Hulu and now I find myself reading while watching. I love your snark and your work is appreciated years after you wrote them.
3/18/2019 04:59:34 pm
5/11/2019 09:14:11 pm
Same here too!
9/12/2019 11:51:12 am
Omg I know I am just echoing what others say but I started reading to fill in the bs missing episodes of 90210 while I was trying to be nostalgic and relive the 90s and your writing is hilarious! It's witty and thorough and I love how you get your facts straight, better than the bs writers ever did! I was 8 when this show came out and the 90210 gang was the same age as my sister and brother and I thought the kids from West Beverly were so cool and now I watch and they are beyond cheesy, super-squeaky clean and trying to be deep and intense. Puke! I wish they hadn't have replaced so much of the music from the 90s, it really makes a difference and I have found myself needing to fast forward some scenes that are just too cringe - especially the excessive kissing!!! But I'm glad there are some missing episodes, even if I don't understand it, so I can read your recaps. Well done!
8/29/2020 11:31:37 am
4/7/2019 07:06:38 am
Im chuckling at those receipts you pulled about Donnas “chocolate allergy”. Great writing!
4/22/2019 11:11:39 pm
Your writing is amazing and hilarious. Thank you!
7/2/2019 11:41:44 am
I laugh every time you refer to "Slouchy". 😂
9/12/2019 09:30:57 am
So for the last two episodes I have used Siri to read me the recaps and if you have not done this, I strongly recommend It. I already love these recaps so much and hearing Siri read them make them that much funnier. That shit makes my day 🤣🤣
Isabel K. French
9/12/2019 10:37:39 am
That is pretty damn funny. Never thought to suggest that. I'm so glad you're enjoying the recaps, in whatever form you receive them!
Erin E Miller
10/6/2019 12:07:34 am
Oh my God how do you get Siri to read this? You must tell me! Pretty pretty pretty please!!!
Isabel K. French
10/6/2019 09:54:08 am
See the link below for some easy instructions on having Siri read web pages. Also, change the voice to ‘Male Irish’ and it’s even more hilarious.
11/6/2019 11:52:47 am
I just want to know the name of the song at the beginning of marathon man! Also who is singing it. Some of the song is spending all my Christmas with you!
5/3/2021 09:07:21 am
Is it Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays by N’Sync?
5/12/2021 03:22:33 pm
Oh brother, here we go with another raven haired vixen for Kelly to fight with.
10/13/2021 01:27:26 pm
Here we go with Dylan/Gina unhealthy relationship. eurk. hate that. and it will be so long before they really broke up...
2/24/2023 10:04:28 pm
Love the recaps except for “slouchy”, Dylan was the broody “motorcycle rebel”, St. Brandon was self-righteous, Steve was “comic relief”, & David “talentless poser”… Colin & Noah were Dylan clones, as much as Val & Gina were Brenda “overtly dramatic” clones. At least Dylan was the OG brooder, w/actual reasons to be rebelliously anti-social.🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
4/22/2022 02:24:22 pm
Reminds me how my parents would smuggle antibiotics from juarez in my mercado purchases as a kid. 😅
7/21/2022 10:41:19 pm
"Contorts her ginormous face"😂😂😂😂.omg im dying
12/26/2022 04:38:38 am
Seriously what would we do without you!! Thank you so much! Brian setzer must’ve screwed this episode from being aired right as I am getting into season 9 on paramount!! Thank you so much again!
Leave a Reply.
Beverly Hills, 90210 homepage
Recapper: Isabel K. French
Your contributions help keep the site ad-free
Television of Yore
Snide recaps of television's most entertaining classics