Recap: Samantha is enduring a PR meeting with a spoiled thirteen year old named Jenny Brier, who's staring at her with her vacant, soulless eyes and pronouncing, "I want it all. I want it now. I want you to get it for me." Jenny is the daughter of a wealthy restauranteur who fired her last two publicists [it's never explained why this thirteen year old needs a publicist] and somehow decided that Samantha is the right person to take over the PR for her upcoming Bat Mitzvah party. Samantha shoots her a look of disdain and tells the self-entitled imp she doesn't do kids' parties - but when Jenny tells her she wants the momentous event, which is likely to cost upwards of a million dollars, covered by press such as Vanity Fair and Teen People and that the guest list includes A-listers like Bill and Hillary Clinton, Samantha perks up and decides she does do kids' parties after all.
The Sex and the City gals meet at an upscale cafeteria for lunch. Carrie - OMFG - has decked herself out in a horrifyingly grotesque multi-colored top, grisly matching culottes, and a bright blue kerchief atop her head. The unspeakable ensemble is definitely one of Patricia Field's stupider concoctions. Miranda remarks that she thought a cute guy sitting at one of the tables was checking her out, and the other three gals are all, "Ooooh! Aww!" and cackle amongst themselves like pre-pubescents. Miranda tries to change the subject and starts gabbling about the headaches she's been having and discovered she inadvertently thrusts her tongue against her front teeth...which means she's going to have to pay a visit to an orthodontist. Carrie's like, "Blah, blah" and writes a note for the cute guy who was allegedly eyeing Miranda, then goes over where he's sitting, delivers the note, and tells him how cute her friend thinks he is. He responds by handing Carrie his card and tells her to tell Miranda to call him.
After lunch, Carrie braves the New York summer heat to stop in at her favorite shoe repair place to get the soles of her stilettos fixed - but is dismayed to learn it no longer exists and that a comic store has taken its place. She goes inside and asks the clerk what happened to Arty...and the clerk says he had to close up shop 'cause he could no longer afford the rent. He introduces himself as Wade Adams, and the two flirtily chat about superheroes, blah blah...and he shows her his favorite Wonder Woman comic and his homemade comic about a superhero named Power Lad. He glances across the store and notices a couple of pre-pubescent boys gawking in Carrie's direction and furrows his brows. When Carrie asks whassup, he motions to the boys and smilingly says, "To them you are Wonder Woman", which was barf-inducing...and probably not even accurate, since I think there's a pretty good chance that the boys were laughing at her fugly outfit.
A day or so later, Carrie sorts through her mail and receives a cartoon drawing that depicts her as Wonder Woman phoning up Power Lad (aka Wade). Carrie chuckles and decides to call the number he conveniently included on the artwork.
Charlotte searches the Internet for a cure to Trey's flaccid penis problems. She comes across a description of a hydraulic penis system that costs $8,000, and perks up at the thought of being penetrated by a bionic penis. She prints out the information.
Carrie meets up with Wade at a Times Square arcade bar called Bar Code. The two order beer and gabble about old school video games, blah blah, then go on a simulated Mars ride for $10.
As Trey gets ready for bed, he chit-chats with Charlotte about his day then asks her how work was, so she gives him a brief rundown of what she did at the gallery, then excitedly says she went on the Internet and found some stuff on bionic penises! She hands him the printout, which he stares at in horror. Charlotte points out that since they've exhausted all other options [though not really, since Trey has barely acknowledged even having a penis problem], they might as well try roboticizing his nether regions. Trey mutters, "You can't be serious"... and when Charlotte whimpers, "What other options do we have?" he mutely crawls into bed and goes to sleep.
After a few hours of playing video games and guzzling beer, Carrie and Wade step out into the hot, muggy New York air. Wade somehow produces a scooter and invites Carrie to scoot with him to his place and says he has a kick-ass terrace with a nice cool breeze. Carrie puts on a faux bashful expression and says she doesn't normally scoot to a terrace on the first date (the hell you don't, slutcakes)...but when he says he has central air, she's like, "Let's go!" and the two scoot uptown to his apartment.
Carrie is stunned by Wade's spacious apartment and terrace with a stunning view of Manhattan. She asks him how it's possible for a comic store owner to afford such a fabulous home, and he deftly avoids answering and heads to the kitchen to get them a couple of beers. A few seconds later, Carrie is startled by the sight of a short middle aged woman, who greets Carrie with a pleasant hello. A mortified Wade is like, "Uh, mom, what are you doing up?", and Mrs. Adams says she's off to bed, urges him not to stay up too late, and tells Carrie it was nice meeting her.
During lunch at Jenny Brier's father's restaurant, Samantha is appalled when Carrie tells her about Wade's living situation. She declares it "not sexy", then hands her her cell phone so she can dump him right this minute...but Carrie declines to give him the heave-ho, and explains that Wade only lives with his parents 'cause he poured all of his financial resources into the comic store. Miranda arrives at the restaurant sporting a new set of braces, and tells the gals that this is what happens to tongue thrusters. Carrie does her best to pretend that they don't look as awful as they do, but Samantha sugarcoats nothing as she scrunches her face in horror and says, "I'm in pain just looking at you." The waiter comes by to deliver a $200 bottle of Dom Perignon, compliments of Jenny Brier. Samantha resents the fact that a thirteen year old can afford this kind of extravagance and glumly says when she was thirteen she worked at Dairy Queen to earn her spending money. Jenny breezes over to their table with her two A-list pals and gushes to Samantha about how impressed she is that she's friends with Carrie Bradshaw. Er, OK..? She turns to Carrie and squeals, "You are soooo fucking fabulous!" and starts nattering about how she can relate to her shittastic column, and that her ex was all about the sex - but didn't like to acknowledge her any time they were in public. No duh. Instead of being suitably horrified that a thirteen year old is reading her weekly raunch, Carrie just stares back at her in amused bewilderment. Miranda notices that one of the girls is wearing blue braces and remarks on them, but the girl corrects her about them being blue and says, "They're sapphire", then laughs at Miranda for getting the old metal kind. After that, the three teenagers flounce off, and Miranda looks mortified at being called out as a thirty-four year old nerd.
Carrie returns to her apartment to puff on her cigarette and stare vacantly into space as she ponders the next instalment of her column. She babbles in a voice-over about America's youth obsessed culture, then wonders if women (and by women she really just means herself and the other three Sex and the City gals) are growing into mature, responsible adults or if they're "thirty-four going on thirteen".
Miranda has summoned the courage to call the cute guy from the cafeteria. She learns that his name is Lance Bloom and that he works as an editor. As Lance chit-chats about his job, Miranda chows down on some kind of dark spread that, predictably, gets trapped in her braces. Lance winces at the grisly sight - and, as politely as possible, tells her she has food caught in her braces. Miranda checks out the reflection of her teeth in a butter knife and gasps in horror. Lance wonders aloud what it's like to kiss someone with braces, then says a blow job is probably out of the question...and Miranda just stares back at him with her eyes widened, holding a hand over her mouth. Lance quickly assures her he was just kidding - but it doesn't matter, 'cause that scene is the last we ever see of him.
The next day, Miranda meets up with Carrie for ice cream and an analysis of her 'Dating With Braces Situation'. Carrie tells her that any guy who's worth a one night stand wouldn't give a hoot about her braces, but Miranda says that despite the irony, she wouldn't even consider dating a guy with braces. Carrie stares at her quizzically and goes, "Are you kidding me? Don't you think that's childish?" - and then the camera cuts to Mrs. Adams offering Carrie lemonade and cookies, to which Carrie enthusiastically chirps, "Yes please, Mrs. Adams!" She then voice-overs about the hidden benefits of dating a cartoon doodling man-child who lives with his parents, namely "it was like having servants you didn't have to pay".
Trey has agreed to couples' therapy - I guess in lieu of turning his flaccid penis into a bionic appendage. The therapist suggests they create their own non-threatening sex language by renaming their genitals...and Charlotte perks up at the name game and says she'd like to call her vagina Rebecca. Trey, who looks like he's hoping the earth will open up and swallow him whole, mutters about how inane the exercise is. Um, d'yuh. Charlotte urges him to participate and suggests he name his limp dick after something nautical 'cause of how much he likes sailing. She goes, "How about schooner?" and Trey just stares dully into space, too beaten down by the mortifying therapy experience to respond, much less object. The therapist tells them to go home, lay in bed together, and share a sexual fantasy with each other.
In the next scene, Charlotte and Trey are laying in bed, face-to-face. Charlotte happily babbles about being a fairy princess when handsome prince Trey suddenly comes along and tears off her petticoats and and thrusts his schooner deep inside her Rebecca. She's like, "OK, now you go!" and a miserable Trey shakes his head and mutters, "I'm in hell.." and says he can't do this, he's a respected surgeon, and just isn't a very sexual kind of person. Charlotte reminds him that they're married and love each other...and he just gazes at her affectionately and agrees that she is a fairy princess and deserves better than a man who can't get it up. He gives her a quick kiss, then rolls over and goes to sleep.
Wade is spending the night at Carrie's apartment...and the two are about to get it on when his mom calls to ask if he remembered to give the dog his medicine. A mortified Wade is all, "OMG, mom! I told you to never call me here!" and his mom responds by asking him to hand the phone over to Carrie for a needless chat.
Later that night, Charlotte hears moaning sounds coming from the bathroom. Puzzled, she gets up to investigate and sees that it's Trey, pleasuring himself in front of the vanity with the aid of a nudie magazine called Juggs. Charlotte contorts her face into a look of shock and dismay...and when Trey realizes she's standing behind him, he looks sheepish and ashamed at being caught masturbating.
At the next therapy session, Charlotte angrily calls out Trey for telling her he wasn't a sexual person, and then going and spanking his monkey in the middle of the night. Trey explains it's just tension release to help him sleep...and the therapist jokes (or maybe not), "At least we know you're not gay!" then suggests they figure out a way to incorporate Charlotte in his Juggs-induced wanking.
At work, Miranda is going through a document with a group of lawyers in a conference room, and gets irked when a few of the male lawyers start chuckling amongst themselves at the other end of the table. Miranda assumes they're mocking her brace face and bitchily calls them out for their juvenile behavior. One of the men explains that they were laughing at the typo on page three, and Miranda goes, "Oh" and decided soon after to get her braces removed and accept herself as a tongue thruster.
Trey resumes pleasuring himself in the bathroom...but the heads of the Juggs models have been replaced with photo cutouts of Charlotte. This, apparently, is Trey's best effort to include Charlotte in his orgasms.
Samantha is working Jenny Brier's Bat Mitzvah party when a limo pulls up, and Jenny and her fashionista pals step out and prance up the red carpet. A gaggle of photographers dutifully snap photos of the vapid trio - and a crowd of young girls, who are being restrained behind steel barricades, cheer and shriek compliments at the it girls.
Carrie and Wade are hanging out at his parents' place. She browses through his vinyl album collection as he puts on some rock and roll...then pulls out a bag of weed, along with his homemade bong.
Samantha overhears Jenny talking to her friends about all the guys she wants to fuck. An appalled Samantha asks if they aren't a little young for that kind of talk, but the girls just roll their eyes and laugh at the prudish question. Samantha urges them to enjoy being children while they can, and points out that they have their whole adult lives to bed hop and become used up whores [which Sex and the City often likes to equate with being strong, independent women]. Jenny brags that she's been giving boys blow jobs since she was twelve, and her friend with the sapphire braces nods and says it's the only way to get guys to like you. Samantha insists that that's not true, but Jenny dismissively holds up her hand and barks, "Talk to the hand, grandma!" Samantha throws in the towel in giving the girls any more life advice when she comes to the realization that she no longer resented Jenny for being a spoiled rich brat, 'cause she had one thing that Jenny will never have: a childhood.
Back at Casa Wade, a stoned Carrie and Wade eat chicken from a bucket and spray each other with the garden hose. When Carrie giggles uncontrollably and starts throwing chicken pieces off the terrace, the two peer downwards, and Wade gasps when he sees his parents' car. He panics and looks around for his bag o' weed...'cause if his parents find him with with it they'll kick him out of the apartment. A few seconds later, Mrs. Adams enters the apartment, smells something funny, and lifts up the large baggie of pot she spotted sitting on an end table. She asks Wade if he brought pot into their home after being repeatedly warned not to, and Wade throws Carrie under the bus and says it belongs to her. Carrie's all, "Wuh?" ... and when Mrs. Adams asks her if what Wade just said is true, she suddenly decides it is, then cheekily retorts, "I brought the marijuana into the house, and I'm taking it with me when I go." She shoots Wade a smug grin, takes the weed from Mrs. Adams, and sashays out of the apartment, never to be seen by the Adams again.
Later, Carrie invites Miranda and Samantha over to her apartment, where the three light up joints, get stoned, and giggle incessantly.
Recap: Carrie is getting a bikini wax by a no-nonsense Eastern European woman who unapologetically rips off every strand in her pube region. She later sits by the hotel pool with Samantha and Miranda, complaining about how she's totes bald down there now. Samantha nods knowingly and says it's called a Brazilian wax, then warns about how it can make a person do crazy things. Like hop into the sack for one night stands with virtual strangers in every episode, for example. Miranda announces that she's off to meet up with her old friend Lou, who recently moved to L.A. to write a New York sitcom...then cackles about how the show paints a totally unrealistic picture of day-to-day life in New York. Much like the way the SATC writers pretend as though it's reasonable for Carrie to afford to live in the Upper East Side and buy thousands of dollars worth of designer shoes on her raunch writing salary. As Miranda heads out, she says she's pretty sure that she and Lou will spend the entire time bitching about the shallowness of L.A.
She arrives at a new agey restaurant called The Flowing Tree and is surprised to see that Lou is no longer a chubby, pale, miserable looking New Yorker. She tells him he looks fantastic, then suggests they find a seedy bar so they can throw back a few drinks like they used to in the old days. Lou says he'd prefer to hang at The Flowing Tree so he can peacefully sip a green tea infusion, and Miranda scrunches her face in confusion and reminds him that their friendship was founded on sharing beers and grumbling about happy people. Lou tells her that ever since moving to L.A., he's rid himself of his toxic anger and metamorphosed into one of the happy people they used to make fun of. He then invites her to go on a hike with him, and she stares back at him in mute bewilderment.
Carrie and Samantha arrive at a movie premiere after-party...but since they're not on the guest list, the PR woman who's working the door (the actress who played Jan Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie) refuses to let them in and snidely orders Carrie to step off the red carpet. Haha! Samantha haughtily asks, "Do you know who she is?" and Jan Brady sassily retorts, "I know she's not on the list." Carrie tries a different approach and says she has a press pass, and an unimpressed Jan Brady dismissively directs her toward the press tent. Carrie gives up and mopes on the curb about being "a Hollywood nobody" while Samantha storms off to the valet to get their car back. Carrie pulls a cigarette out of her purse and lights it up at the same time that Vince Vaughn exits the back door of the venue while talking on his cell. When he finishes his call, he and Carrie exchange flirty glances...and he asks if he can bum a cigarette. He takes a few puffs and compliments the brand, which is apparently unavailable in L.A., and Carrie jokes that she taped them to her body while she was flying in from New York. Vince Vaughn introduces himself and claims to represent Matt Damon, and Carrie introduces herself and jokes that she represents herself. He asks her if she's an actress...and when she tells him she's a writer, he replies, "You're too pretty to be a writer" and she calls him out on his cheesy line...which, d'yuh. Samantha returns from the valet and tells Carrie it's going to take an hour for them to get the car, and Carrie's like, "Whatevs" and introduces her to her new friend. After a few more minutes of inane chit-chat, Vince Vaughn ushers the two gals into the club so they can attend the party, then steps away for a moment to take another call. Samantha glances around the room and suddenly gasps, grabs Carrie, and silently points at Hugh Hefner, who's holding court with his usual coterie of busty, white-haired playmates. Carrie voice-overs about how much Samantha worships the aging, icktastic playboy and that he's not just any celebrity sighting...he's THE celebrity sighting. Samantha wastes no time rushing across to the room to introduce herself to Hef, and gushes about what a huge fan she is...and the creepy old fossil perks up at her fawning and invites her to join him and his blondes for a drink.
Vince Vaughn invites Carrie to lunch with him tomorrow at a fancy pants restaurant, and she happily accepts his invitation. He gets word from some young flunky that the VIP lounge just opened up, then turns his attention back to Carrie and asks her if she'd like to hang with him in the VIP room. She nods her head vigorously and says she'd really really like to mingle with some Hollywood A-listers.
Charlotte and Trey return home from a black tie doctors' benefit. He tells her she did a good job mingling among the rich and privileged, and she thanks him for the compliment and rubs his crotch, purring about how she has an itch she'd like him to scratch. He's all, "Ack! No can do" and quickly pulls away. Charlotte sighs and suggests he try jump-starting his limp dick with some Viagra, but he tells her that the drug wreaks havoc with men who have heart problems...and reminds her that his father dropped dead of a heart attack and that heart disease runs in his family. Furthermore, all of this sex talk has made him tense...so he grabs his sneakers and announces he's going out for a run.
While shopping, Samantha encounters a sleazy looking man who sells fake designer purses out of the trunk of his car. She stares at the replicas, looking intrigued and impressed.
Charlotte stops by Carrie's place to pick up her mail, then sadly ambles around the apartment. She stares at a framed photo of the four of them and suddenly realizes how much she misses her single life, then decides, "Why not run away from my problems like Trey does?" ['cause, yeah, that's a healthy approach to a one week-old marriage] and jets off to L.A.
Charlotte shows up unannounced at Carrie's hotel room and wails about how she can't deal with Trey and his dysfunctional penis any longer, then adds, "I really missed you guys!" Carrie says she's off to meet Vince Vaughn for lunch and then maybe some dessert (mmm hmm), but urges Charlotte to go hang with Samantha and Miranda, who are lounging by the pool. Charlotte heads over to the balcony and stares hungrily at all the hard, male, suntanned bodies stretched out on loungers.
Carrie accompanies Vince Vaughn to a house he's pretending to be rich enough to afford. It's an insanely huge property, has lots of floor to ceiling windows, and is currently owned by Lorenzo Lamas. Carrie coos about what a great house it is, then rubs up against him and gives him an amorous smooch.
The next morning, Charlotte orders a fat free, ultra healthy breakfast and then grins and declares how much she looooves L.A. Miranda says that Lou may be the perfect guy, now that he's no longer a grouchy chubbo. She thinks he might be onto something with his new-found inner peace and happiness, and contemplates whether she should follow suit and stop being so angry, bitchy, and judgemental all the damn time. Samantha shows the gals her new "Fendi" purse, the fakeness of which can only be detected by unzipping it and looking at the grisly inside lining, and the gals are impressed by its seeming authenticity. She says she got the guy's card, so if they want to buy any of his purses they'll have to go to his place in the Valley. Charlotte catches a glimpse of all the condoms that accidentally spilled out of Samantha's purse while she was waving the dumb thing around, and starts waxing on about the joys of being married and only going to bed with one person. The gals get annoyed at her sanctimoniousness and urge her to get a bikini wax from the stern Eastern European woman who did Carrie...then giggle conspiratorially.
Charlotte goes for the bikini wax, and is appalled by the unexpected denuding Brazilian she receives.
The next day, Carrie and Samantha head to the Valley to go fake purse shopping. Carrie stares at the bags tightly packed in the trunk and looks turned off, then lights up a cigarette and tells Samantha she's reconsidered and suddenly has no interest in purchasing a fake. The seller gets irked at not making any sales and barks at Carrie to not smoke her stupid cigarette near the bags.
At lunch, Carrie tells the gals that the fake purses all looked so sad staring up at her from the trunk of the car. She says she'd rather wait to afford the real thing, 'cause overpaying for a designer label would somehow make the experience more special. Charlotte suddenly blurts out, "My marriage is a fake Fendi!" and says that she and Trey look perfect from the outside - but on the inside it's a fake, sexless union 'cause his penis is completely dysfunctional. Miranda and Samantha are all, "Wha-a?! You haven't had sex yet?!" and Charlotte says she was reluctant to tell them her shameful secret 'cause she knew they'd say I told you so. Miranda, who has just turned over a new leaf regarding her usual bitchitude, softly coos that she has no right to judge anyone, and that they all have to choose their own paths in life. Samantha, meanwhile, just stares at Charlotte in befuddlement, unable to get her brain around the fact that she and Trey haven't bumped uglies at least once. When she recombobulates herself, she announces some news to cheer them up: Hef has invited them to the Playboy Mansion tomorrow for a pool party!
Vince Vaughn brings Carrie to "his place" ... and the two canoodle in a luxurious in-ground hot tub. Carrie gets amorous and strips off her undergarments.
Miranda meets up again with Lou, and the two are at a restaurant enjoying a steak dinner. He tells her he doesn't really miss New York...then takes a bite of his steak, chews it while bobbing his head from side to side, and spits it out in a napkin. When he goes through the unsightly ritual a second time, Miranda asks him if something is wrong with his food. He says it's fine, but that he didn't lose those thirty pounds by eating. Miranda looks at him in appalled disdain, and Lou gets all defensive and starts cussing about how much pressure he's under to stay thin, then pouts about how producers in L.A. don't like to hire fat story editors.
Carrie and Vince Vaughn are spooning as they wake up the next morning. He tells her he really likes what she has "going on down there", and she giggles about her current No Pubes Situation and asks him why he never seems to have to go to work. Before he can think up some bullcack, Carrie Fisher enters the room, glaring in bewilderment at Vince Vaughn, and is all, "WTF are you doing?" She reminds him that she forbade him to have prostitutes over while he's housesitting...and when Carrie's all, "Huh?", Vince Vaughn finally admits he's not an agent - he's Carrie Fisher's personal assistant. Carrie Fisher picks up Carrie's pink bra with a look of total disgust on her face...and as Carrie takes it from her, she clarifies that, while it was a completely reasonable assumption, she's actually not a hooker...she's Carrie Bradshaw, raunchy New York sex columnist! She then giddily points out that they're both named Carrie and they both write! Carrie Fisher shakes her head and mumbles, "I can't do this...I have a child", then sniffs the air and asks if they've been smoking. Carrie wisely flees the room to slip back into her skankwear and hightail it out of there...and Vince Vaughn is summarily fired from his job as Fisher's personal assistant.
The gals arrive at the Playboy Mansion, decked out in tacky glitterwear over their swimsuits. Charlotte gets tipsy on fruity drinks and flirts with a man named Ian...but things immediately go sour when he offers to buy her an improved set of boobs. Samantha complains that someone stole her fake Fendi bag...and when she spots a blonde bunny clutching what she assumes is her bag, she storms over and accuses the bunny of thieving. Hef notices the commotion and comes over to see whassup, so Samantha repeats her accusation. To prove her wrong, the bunny opens her purse, smugly demonstrating that it is an authentic Fendi. Samantha stares at it in mortification...and is further mortified when a hulky security guard suddenly materializes to escort her off the property. She cries, "I'm not leaving without my friends!"
Miranda and Carrie amble into a cave and leer at all the topless women frolicking in the water. Miranda wryly quips, "Tit soup" and a fed up looking Carrie declares that it's prolly time to start wrapping up this episode. Charlotte and Samantha stumble into the cave and inform them that they've been asked to leave...and will be escorted off the premises by security.
The next day, Carrie returns home to her apartment, which looks better to her than she remembered 'cause inside it was "all real". She leans against the wall, lights up a cigarette and starts puffing away, and voice-overs that she was starting to feel like herself again.
Recap: Carrie looks out at the rain from the window of her apartment, moodily puffing on her stupid cigarette and voice-overing about the dreary greyness of New York...and by dreary greyness she doesn't mean the weather so much as her shitty affair with Mr. Big and subsequent breakup with Aidan. She decides she could use a change of scenery in the form of a conveniently timed boondoggle to Los Angeles with Miranda and Samantha.
During brunch, Charlotte shows the gals a stack of photos of her and Trey playing golf in Bermuda during their honeymoon, and then wails, "I can't believe you're going to L.A. without meeee!" Carrie explains to viewers that she's been invited to L.A. by a small production company that might be interested in optioning her columns to create a movie. Yeesh. They must be pretty hard up for content. Miranda and Samantha leave the diner to finish packing and get ready for the trip...leaving Carrie behind so that she and Charlotte can compare the sad state of their empty, sexless lives. Carrie tells her that Aidan dumped her like yesterday's news after she confessed her Big affair, and Charlotte admits that she and Trey didn't knock boots once during their honeymoon and cries, "He couldn't get it up!" ... so he stopped trying and just played golf the entire time. Carrie tries to breezily assure her that impotence is a common problem for men, but Charlotte refuses to accept that her gorgeous new husband has a chronically flaccid penis. Carrie says she can't wait to get away from the Big/Aidan Situation - aka, a giant turd mess of her own making - and jet off to L.A. Charlotte wishes her good luck and says she's going to mope around the diner some more and order another cup of coffee. Carrie gets up and flounces toward the exit, glances around the diner with a smarmy expression on her face as though anyone in the joint could give a rat's ass that she's leaving New York for two whole episodes, then heads outside into the sunshine...which cleverly blends into the gals' afternoon arrival in sunny Los Angeles.
Miranda gabbles about how thrilled she is to be on vacation...but as they're checking in, she learns that the production company only reserved two rooms: one for Carrie and one for Samantha. And naturally the hotel is totally booked up. Miranda opts to bunk with Carrie, and Carrie says she's fine with that, but tells her she doesn't want to hear any shit about her smoking. She's then dismayed when the hotel clerk informs her that she's forbidden from lighting up 'cause her room is on a non-smoking floor.
Later, the gals strut outside to stand a foot away from the hotel's front door so that Carrie can light up her stupid cigarette, take a few dramatic puffs while posing as if she's being photographed for Vogue, then head back inside to the hotel bar.
Samantha meets a dildo model named Garth, who invites her to a sex toy launch party the following evening. Miranda meets a guy named Jason Dique (pronounced Dick), and the two flirtily chat about his funny name until he gets distracted by a sexy brunette sashaying by and excuses himself to salivate after her. Carrie is chatting with an over-ambitious junior development executive played by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who gushes nauseatingly about how much she looooves Carrie's column and can relate to her slutty one night stands and self-inflicted heartbreaks. She squeals, "I am you!" and pronounces that a film based on her I-couldn't-help-but-wonder style musings will be "chick flick big". She then reveals the exciting news that a big Hollywood actor is very interested in her raunch...and after a tedious back and forth during which she makes Carrie try to guess who it is, she finally whispers that it's Matthew McConaughey. Carrie will meet with him tomorrow afternoon.
Trey is sitting in front of the computer in the bedroom, entering wedding gift information when Charlotte ambles over and tries to engage him in foreplay. She coos about how she can't wait to relaaaaax and just be husband and wife, then hops into his lap. This causes him to mistype something on the computer, and his overall lack of interest in canoodling makes Charlotte pout and want to discuss his penis deflation problems. Trey firmly steers clear of the embarrassing topic, and Charlotte eventually throws in the towel and retreats to their bed alone.
Carrie has rented a car with a stick shift, which she is totally inept at driving. She grinds the gears and repeatedly ends up in reverse - freaking out Samantha, who storms out of the car and haughtily says she refuses to die in a car accident before she can fulfill her life-long fantasy of going on a date with a dildo.
Carrie arrives at WB Studios for her meeting with Matthew McConaughey, who behaves like a spaced out weirdo. He calls her writing sharp, edgy, brutal, and juicy...and a flustered Carrie thanks him for his kind bullcack. He says that for the movie they'll have to flesh out the central relationship - Carrie and Mr. Big - then remarks, "I don't see how they couldn't make it work." Carrie voice-overs that she's been asking herself that question since Season 1. [Um, because he's not into you??] Matthew McConaughey gushes about how cool Mr. Big is...but when Carrie reminds him that Big has commitment issues, he bellows, "That's bullshit!" then laughs maniacally and says he's totes up for playing the role of Big. He then leers at Carrie and creepily adds, "I really want to fuck you, baby" and Carrie looks aghast and asks if he's still in the midst of his acting schtick...but doesn't actually get any kind of answer. She pulls a cigarette out of her purse, and Matthew McConaughey asks her to put the smokes away 'cause he doesn't think that Carrie should smoke in the movie...or in his office for that matter. Heh. After the meeting, Carrie ambles around the WB studios and ends up in a faux New York City lot, staring around in bewilderment. She sits on a faux stoop and lights up a cigarette...but within seconds a security guy drives by in a little motorized cart and orders her to put it out. Haha!
Samantha drags Carrie and Miranda to the sex toy party...and an irked Carrie says she just wants to go to bed and forget about all the Matthew McConaughey weirdness, while Miranda grumbles that L.A. men only seem attracted to women who brazenly put their sexuality out there. Samantha promptly ditches them to make a beeline over to Garth's booth clutching her dildo and asks him to sign it, then not-so-subtly gives him the name of her hotel and room number.
Later that night, Garth and Samantha hit the sack, and her loud, fake sounding moans keep Carrie awake in the room next door.
At breakfast the next morning, Samantha waxes on about how soundly she sleeps in the fresh California air, while Carrie is in a foul mood about having to endure another meeting with Matthew McConaughey. Samantha hands each of them a Garth dildo she got for them at the launch party...and after Carrie bitchily rejects hers, Miranda pulls her dildo out of its packaging, carefully examines it, and remarks on its freakish length. She then needlessly tells the gals that she's not so much into length as she is ample penile width.
Charlotte calls Carrie from New York to complain that more days have passed with Trey not getting it up. Carrie tells her it's either physical or emotional, then suggests putting a ring of taped paper around his flaccid member when he's asleep...and if it rips during the night, this will mean he's capable of an erection. Charlotte eyes a roll of stamps she's been using to send out thank you cards for their wedding gifts and decides it'd be perfect for an impromptu penis experiment.
Samantha and Garth are hitting the sheets a second time. He tells her he's a poet, then asks about her interests...and she tells him she has absolutely no interests in life other than hitting the sack with complete strangers, then tries to distract him from anymore pesky chatting with a giant smooch.
Later, Garth reads Samantha his poetry, but she's not into it. When he tells her he's done with L.A. and wants to move to New York and pursue his two loves - poetry and porn - she declares that a relationship between them wouldn't work 'cause she'd never be willing to share his penis with his porn co-stars. I guess that's the end of that.
Carrie is sitting by the hotel pool with her feet in the water, staring contemplatively into space as she puffs away on another cigarette. When a cute guy approaches her, she assumes he's about to complain about the air pollution her stupid cigarette is generating...but it turns out he came over to bum one and ask if she wants company. She tells him it was her last cigarette, and that she's not currently up for any male companionship.
Charlotte wakes up, excited to see how Trey's penis performed while encased in a roll of stamps. She gently opens his fly and pulls out the stamps...and is delighted to see that some of the stamps got torn sometime during the night. She canoodles him, thrilled that his problem isn't physical...but then frowns as it dawns on her that his penis problems must then be emotional, which might be just as difficult a hurdle to overcome.
In L.A., the gals are spending the evening at the Saddle Ranch Chop House, watching a hot woman sexily ride a mechanical bull. Miranda says she admires the scantily clad tart atop the bull 'cause she "screams sex", then complains about how she wishes she could be more like that. Samantha rolls her eyes and snaps, "Stop fucking complaining about it and do something about it!" ... and when the woman's turn on the bull ends, Miranda frantically waves her arm in the air and asks to ride next. She climbs onto the bull, lightly bucks around for a few seconds...but when the bucking becomes more intense, she rips open her buttoned shirt, revealing her red bra and pasty white torso. Samantha's all, "Woo hoo! Ride 'em, sister!" while Carrie cringes in mute horror.
Carrie pulls up to WB Studios for her second Matthew McConaughey meeting...but stops the car and stares contemplatively into space, wondering if it's not a better idea to figure out her past mistakes herself instead of letting a movie studio do it. She then decides that if she can master a stick shift (which she clearly hasn't), could a successful relationship be far behind? It could be, yes. And just like that, she blows off a meeting that might possibly have been a source of much needed revenue when one considers her implausible earnings as a sex columnist for a tabloid rag.
Recap: Miranda is so angst-ridden about being a thirty-four year old bridesmaid with no date for Charlotte's wedding that she's registered herself for some kind of speed-dating service: $20 for half a dozen 8 minute mini-dates. She quickly realizes that the men in her speed dating pool have zero interest in hooking up with a lawyer, so eventually she throws in the towel trying to pass herself off as an independent career minded woman and tells a dorky (faux) ER doctor named Harris that she's an airline stewardess...and he's all, "Mmm.." and looks visibly intrigued.
During the rehearsal dinner, Miranda complains to the gals (and Aidan) that men don't want women with a powerful job, then starts to say, "They want..." and Aidan interjects and blurts out, "A liar!" Carrie flinches and stares sheepishly into space while voice-overing about how guilty she still feels about cheating on Aidan...and, I would hope, for causing Natasha to trip on the stairs and lose one of her teeth. Miranda justifies her lie by pointing out that as a lawyer she attracted zero dates - but as a stewardess, she was able to score one. Samantha tells her it's not so much what you do, but how you say what you do, then seductively purrs, "I'm in PR. Translation: I give great head." Aidan scrunches his face in bewilderment, then tells Miranda she'll never be able to have a long term relationship with Harris because of her lie. Considering his general dorkiness, I doubt her lie will result in any great consequence.
Trey thanks the guests for attending the rehearsal dinner, then gives a special shout-out to his cousin Caleb, who flew in from Edinburgh for the occasion. Samantha leers at the brawny Scotsman and mutters, "Yum. I know what I'll be having later." Trey publicly thanks Charlotte for agreeing to marry him (even though technically she's the one who proposed to him over a plate of tomato basil), schmaltzily tells her, "I love you more than words can say" and invites everyone to eat, drink, and be merry. Miranda wistfully remarks that Charlotte looks "so damn happy" ... and then somehow the conversation shifts to the kilts the groomsmen will be wearing during the ceremony. Naturally, this leads the gals to wonder if Scotsmen wear anything underneath the kilts, to which Samantha cackles, "I'll find out!" and makes a beeline over to Caleb's table. She introduces herself and offers to show him around town, then scrunches her face confusedly when she can't make out what Caleb is saying in his thick Scottish accent.
The gals are in the dressing room at Vera Wang for a final fitting of their bridesmaids' dresses. Carrie moans about how she's going to have to 'fess up and tell Aidan about her affair with Big, but Samantha disagrees and says there's absolutely no reason he needs to know. Carrie points out that relationships are supposed to be built on trust, and Samantha wryly replies, "That ship sailed" ...which, well d'yuh. Charlotte agrees that Carrie should come clean to Aidan - but preferably after the wedding, then chirps, "It's supposed to be my week." Miranda shoots her a withering glare and icily retorts, "You get a day. Not a week." Hee! Samantha doesn't get why Carrie needs to tell Aidan anything, especially now that her affair with Big is over - but Miranda says if she were the one being cheated on, she'd definitely want to know. Carrie snarks that it's hard to take the advice of someone who's posing as a stewardess...and when Charlotte's all, "Wuh?", Carrie explains that on her wedding day, they all have to pretend that Miranda is an airline stewardess. Charlotte whines that she doesn't want to pretend anything, and Samantha changes the subject to her skirt length and asks if it could be made shorter - but Charlotte nixes that request and tells her that all the dresses have to be the same length, not hiked up near cootch territory. Samantha irritably says if she has to be a bridesmaid she should at least be able to look good, and Charlotte bitchily tells her she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid, and that the only reason she was asked was so she wouldn't feel left out. Ouch. Samantha snaps back that she'd looooove to be left out and spend her available leisure time doinking Caleb...and Charlotte snaps, "Fine!" while Samantha stomps over to her fitting room to change back into her regular slutwear.
Carrie is in her apartment, writing up her column and nattering about how 'coming clean' is a selfish act that allows people to absolve themselves by hurting those who don't deserve to be hurt. She stares contemplatively into space, then types: in a relationship, is honesty really the best policy? Probably, yeah. But then, so is not repeatedly cheating on your trusting boyfriend with a married douchebag.
Miranda is out to dinner with Harris, wearing a silk scarf tied around her neck...I assume in an effort to look as stewardess-esque as possible. She slips into a soft, sultry voice as she makes up stuff about what it's like to be a stewardess, and Harris just stares at her in fascination. After dinner the two go to Miranda's place to have sex, and somehow the dork is able to bring her to orgasm. After enjoying a few minutes of post-coital afterglow, she tells him he probably shouldn't spend the night 'cause she has an early flight...and he concurs and says he has to be at the hospital early. As he gets dressed, Miranda bemoans the lonely life of a stewardess, then asks Harris if he's free to escort her to a wedding on Sunday.
The gals are gathered at a bar, celebrating Charlotte's last night as a single woman...and Charlotte is binge-drinking and giddy about fulfilling her lifelong dream of becoming a rich man's wife. She cackles, "I finally get to sleep with Trey!" and the other three gals stare at her, aghast at the notion of abstaining from sex for any length of time, so she explains that she made a conscious effort to remain a virgin in this relationship in order to save herself for marriage. A horrified Samantha asks her what she'll do if Trey is terrible in bed, and Charlotte chuckles and says he won't be terrible, given that he's soooo sexy and such an amazing kisser. She then says she wants to do sexy things with him involving whipped cream, then giggles like a schoolgirl about how horny she is.
Miranda gets another booty call from Harris while Samantha bumps uglies with Caleb, who rambles incoherently.
Carrie surprises Aidan by make a late night visit to his furniture store and finds him putting the final touches on the wooden love seat he made as a wedding gift for Charlotte and Trey. Awwww! No way in hell does Carrie deserve a kind, thoughtful man like this. Aidan describes the different kinds of wood he used to cobble the seat together, and how blending them together makes it strong...blah blah...and that a flaw in the wood makes it interesting. Carrie perks up at that and goes, "So, flaws can be good?" and he concurs and says that flaws are the best part. Carrie mulls that over, considers telling him she spent the last three episodes doinking Big behind his back, but worries that he might see her for the two-timing shitbag she is. Instead of coming clean, she leans in for a smooch, and the two get it on atop the love seat.
Charlotte shows up at Trey's apartment, drunkenly giggling in his doorway. She tells him that since it's officially their wedding day they should hit the sheets, and Trey dutifully picks her up and carries her over to his bedroom. Things don't appear to go well, 'cause in the next scene, the two are laying side by side, looking deflated. Trey tightly says, "Well, that was unfortunate" and tells her that his penis has a tendency to go flaccid at the most inopportune times and that intercourse doesn't always do it for him. Charlotte forlornly goes, "Oh.." and asks him if there's anything she can do to help, and he solemnly replies, "Yes. Marry me." Charlotte says she's already doing that...and he says he loves her, then breezily pronounces that his droopy dick is no biggie 'cause sex is such a small part of a relationship. Charlotte refrains from pointing out that sex, sex, and more sex is at the core of every storyline and minor subplot on Sex and the City, then stares into space with a stricken look on her face.
Aidan wakes up in the middle of the night and finds Carrie sitting on his stoop outside, puffing away on her stupid cigarette. Aidan says, "This isn't going to work" and says he doesn't want her to have to sneak outside whenever she wants to smoke. Carrie whines about how hard it is to quit, and Aidan says he'll just have to learn to live with it - ick! - since he's far from being a perfect person. Carrie argues that he's pretty close to being perfect, then says she needs to tell him something...but decides to save her confession for Charlotte's wedding day for maximum drama. The two exchange I love yous, and she says she's going to head home 'cause all her stuff for the wedding is in her apartment.
Miranda is in her kitchen, gabbling to Harris as she slices a bagel for breakfast...and accidentally cuts her finger. Harris immediately gets wigged out and snaps at her to stop waving her bloody stump around 'cause the sight of blood makes him queasy. When she gives him a funny look, he confesses that he's not really an ER doctor, but rather the assistant manager of Athlete's Foot...and that he only hooked up with her to fulfill his fantasy of boning a stewardess. As Miranda mulls that over, she debates whether or not she should tell him the truth about her real career, but declines and slips into her soft stewardess voice and orders him to leave, and says she hopes she never sees him aboard one of her flights.
Aidan arrives at Carrie's apartment to pick her up for the wedding...and he's carrying a small gift-wrapped box and explains that it contains a photograph of the love seat. He tries to cuddle her, then complains, "You never let me hold you anymore." Carrie blurts out that she slept with her ex...then explains that her ex is the married assfuck she introduced him to during the Easy Come, Easy Go episode. Aidan stares at her incredulously and goes, "You slept with that guy?" and she nods and admits hitting the sheets with him more than once, but insists it's sooooo over. Aidan silently hands her the wrapped box, then backs away from her in disgust and makes a beeline over to the door. Carrie sadly asks, "What about the wedding?" and he tells her he needs to take a walk and that she should go to the wedding without him.
Over at the church, Miranda and Samantha are fussing over Charlotte, who's decked out in her poofy designer gown. Carrie rushes in and apologizes for being late, then gushes about how perfect Charlotte looks. A few seconds later, the ceremony gets underway...but Charlotte urgently recalls Carrie just as she begins her aisle walk and says she has to tell her something right now. She whispers, "Trey can't get it up!" and Carrie's all, "Wuh?" then asks if he was drunk at the time, and Charlotte says that she was drunk, but Trey was fine...and that he later explained his chronic penis deflation problems. Carrie breezily tells her it happens to everyone and isn't a big deal...then theorizes that he most likely jerked off right before she got there and was too embarrassed to tell her. She then offers Charlotte an out and says if she's seriously rethinking marrying a quasi-impotent man she barely knows, the two of them can hop into a cab and hightail it away from the church. Charlotte considers that sensible option, then firmly declares, "No. I'm getting married" and begs Carrie not to tell anyone about Trey's limp dick situation. With that settled, a bearded man suddenly materializes out of nowhere - I guess we're to assume he's Charlotte's father [who hopefully wasn't standing close enough to eavesdrop on the flaccid member conversation just now] - and she takes his arm and the two begin their walk down the aisle.
After the ceremony, a beaming Trey and Charlotte depart the church with colored confetti flying around them. Carrie spots a glum looking Aidan loitering by the gate, so she ambles over to see whassup. He tells her he's been wandering around aimlessly, unable to bring himself to enter the church...and Carrie wails, "I'm sooooo sorry, Aidan!" and insists she never meant to hurt him. She invokes the flawed wood in his love seat and asks if her cheating could possibly be downgraded to minor imperfection status, but he tells her it's not that simple. She wails, "I just wanted to be honest with you!" and Aidan says he doubts he'll be able to get over this anytime soon and should probably be on his own for awhile. Carrie nods tearfully as he says, "I really love you" and stalks off. Yippee! Flee, Aidan! Flee! Miranda comes over with her concerned face on and tells Carrie she's needed for the wedding photos, and Carrie wipes away her tears and voice-overs about how hard it is to find people who love you, no matter how fat a liar and slutty a cheater you prove yourself to be. As the four gals pose for the camera, she smugly adds, "I was lucky enough to find three of them."
Recap: Carrie and Big are rendezvousing in a fancy hotel room, drinking champagne on ice and feeding each other strawberries...but as their shitty affair drags on, the venues get progressively less ritzy until they end up in a seedy dive eating crackers and drinking tepid water out of plastic cups. Carrie whines about how hot the room is, then explains that she only chose the dump because of its "safe" location: the intersection of 56th St/8th Ave, aka where no one knows them. Big grumbles that he doesn't give a fuck who sees them together, and Carrie retorts, "Do you want people to get hurt?" Big complains about the funky smell in the room, and Carrie leans toward him, murmurs, "Hey.." and gives him a smooch...but then pulls away and complains again about the oppressive heat. Big gets irritable and snaps, "What are you, saving it for your boyfriend?" ... and Carrie barks, "You don't talk to me that way!" and Big contritely apologizes. Carrie then stares at him mournfully and looks faux bewildered as she asks, "How did we get here? Who are we?" OMFG. The balls on this idiot. Let's see...you "got here" because you both made the conscious decision to clandestinely meet in hotel rooms so you could repeatedly have sex with each other behind your partners' backs...which, by definition, makes both of you slimy douchebags of the highest order and utterly devoid of human decency.
At a Manhattan bar, Carrie puffs on a cigarette and confesses to Miranda that she's having an affair with Big. Miranda gasps in horror and says her heart just stopped...then asks Carrie for a cigarette so that she too can puff away while processing the disturbing news. Carrie hands her one, lights it for her, and asks, "Do you hate meeee?" ... and Miranda assures her she doesn't hate her [well, d'yuh...it's not Miranda she's cheating on], and Carrie moans about how much she hates herself (as well she should) for not having the moral fortitude to end the shitty affair. She orders Miranda to say something that will yank her out of it, so Miranda asks, "What about Aidan?" Carrie nods and murmurs, "Right...what about Aidan..." and contorts her horsey face into a look of faux regret. She then says she's mostly worried that Big is going to confess the affair to Natasha, then wails about The Big Mess she has deliberately entangled herself into. Miranda goes, "What did you think would happen?" and Carrie says she wasn't thinking - she just leaped into the sack with the dolt, and now fears that their coupling will never be the great romance she's been building up in her mind...and wonders if Big is only doinking her 'cause she's not as available and needy as she was last season. Miranda's like, "Fuck Big, what do you want?" and Carrie says she wants everyone to emerge unscathed from the adulterous cesspool she and Big have created. Miranda tells her that that's not very realistic and sternly orders her to Just. Stop. Fucking. Big. Carrie weakly promises she'll stop...just as soon as Natasha catches her in her apartment and blows the whole ugly thing wide open. [Oops, spoiler]
Samantha is in a new bar, strutting around in her usual see-through skank-wear and stilettos as she surveys all the fuckable men who haven't yet gotten around to boning her. She suddenly spots Tom Reymi, who is apparently something of a Manhattan legend in the sack - in other words: the male version of Samantha. Gross. Tom notices her come hither leering and approaches her at the bar. She coos, "It's about time we met", and he tells her he's well aware of her reputation, then skips any further pleasantries and blurts out, "Wanna fuck?" In the the next scene, the two are urgently dry humping in his apartment. He asks her if she swings - meaning have sex while entwined with a man on an actual swing - then ushers her over to his bedroom to show her the leather swing he has nailed to the ceiling. She squeals, "Oh my! So Cirque du Soleil!" but Tom halts the canoodling to ask her when she was last tested for AIDS. He says he got tested three weeks ago...and Samantha confesses that she's never been tested (holy fucking crap!), but insists she's very healthy. Tom clucks with disappointment and says he can't fuck her or munch on her naughties the way he wants unless he's sure it's safe, then urges her to get tested so she can experience his penis' superb penetration techniques, which she'll find more than measures up to the hype.
At brunch the next day, Charlotte plunks down a pile of bridal catalogues on the table and tells the gals she's inserted post-its on pages where she's found gowns she kinda likes, kinda really likes, and doesn't know if she likes. A disinterested Samantha blurts out, "Have you all had an AIDS test?" then explains that she's hoping to hook up with her slutty male counterpart - but he refuses to hit the sheets (or swing) with her until she gets a clean bill of health. A dismayed Charlotte primly tells her they're looking at bridal gowns now and shouldn't be sullying the occasion by talking about AIDS or swing sex. Carrie, meanwhile, is suitably aghast that a used up old whore like Samantha has never been tested for AIDS and says she's been tested twice...and Miranda chimes in and says she's undergone the test three times. Samantha says she always practices safe sex, but is terrified of what diseases might be lurking in her well worn cootch. Miranda says the hardest part is sitting in the waiting room, hoping like hell the nurse doesn't motion you over to the little room to give the devastating news. Charlotte gets snarky at the gals' total lack of interest in her bridal gown woes, and wails, "I need help!" Samantha tells her to chill the fuck out and hire a stylist to run around town and help her with her wedding gown shopping. Charlotte perks up at that and goes, "I can hire someone to do that for me?" and Samantha nods and promises to fax her some names.
Carrie is back in her apartment, tapping out her weekly instalment of raunch and blathering about the health and emotional consequences of indulging in unsafe sexual behavior. It remains a mystery how this column earns her anything resembling a living wage.
Miranda walks past a guy who's dressed in a Blimpie's sandwich suit and handing out flyers. Miranda takes a flyer...but when she hears him mutter, "Eat me", she whirls around and snaps, "Excuse me?" then thrusts the flyer back at him and storms off. Seems like the start of a subplot that would have been better left on the cutting room floor.
Charlotte has hired a bitchy gay wedding stylist named Anthony Marentino, and the two are at Vera Wang to peruse gowns. When the salesgirl runs behind schedule, he storms around the store yelling, "Hello?! Someone..?! Let's go!" and Charlotte smiles at him adoringly while Carrie voice-overs that Anthony was like the pushy Italian mother she never had. A few seconds later, the salesgirl wheels in a rack of identical looking gowns...and Charlotte makes blech faces at all of them. Anthony barks, "Hates it!" then orders her to bring in something more fetching. Charlotte tells him she doesn't want the salesgirl to think she's a bitch...but it's crucial that she find the perfect gown, since she's been fantasizing about her wedding day ever since she was a little girl. Anthony breezily tells her he's heard this cliche bullback from brides who desperately want to be a princess for a day a thousand times before, and assures her that she'll know the right dress when she sees it. Cue the salesgirl, who wheels in another rack of gowns. She holds one up in the air, and Charlotte gasps, clutches Anthony's hand and moans, "Anthony.." and somehow decides, without trying it on, that it's the one. As completely implausible as I could argue that is, I'm down with whatever speeds along Charlotte's wedding gown selection process.
Samantha is at the clinic for her AIDS test, and is being questioned by the nurse about her sexual history. The nurse asks her if she has sex, anal sex, gives and receives oral sex, and Samantha's like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes." When the nurse asks her how many partners she's had, Samantha zones out as she starts counting, then pauses to ask, "This year?" 'cause, yeah, Samantha having sex with a different man every other night is such a hilarious Sex and the City schtick.
Carrie and Aidan are going at it in her bed...and she gets annoyed at him for making a throaty mmm sound. He promises not to do it anymore, but she pushes him away and says she's just not into it. Aidan leaps out of bed and gets dressed, and Carrie - who, for some reason, is wearing a tank top and men's underwear - moans about how she's in "a weird place" and promises to be out of the funk soon. He's like, "OK, whatevs" and says he's going to his apartment [to take a much needed break from her], and that he'll call her tomorrow. She tries to backpedal her bitchitude by asking him to make the mmm sound, and he obliges, kisses her goodbye, and heads out.
Miranda walks past Blimpie's again and once again hears the person inside the sandwich suit mutter, "Eat me." Miranda glares at him, snarls, "We'll see about that!" and storms into the restaurant to bitchily seek out the manager. She complains that his employee is muttering explicit things like eat me...and the manager stares at her blankly and points out, "He's a sandwich." Miranda bellows, "He didn't say it in the sandwich way, he said it in the sexual harassing way" - but when the manager continues to just stare at her blankly, she storms out of the restaurant to give her harasser the what-for. She stops short when she catches a glimpse of his lips and teeth and does a complete, 180 reversal from what she was complaining about less than a minute earlier and finds herself wondering about the man inside the bun. Later, she calls Carrie and says she's intrigued by the sandwich man, particularly the sexy way he uttered, "Eat me" ... and Carrie changes the subject to herself and moans about her shitty affair with Big.
Samantha is back in the clinic, awaiting the results of her AIDS test. The nurse appears and motions her to follow her into her office...and Samantha gets so terrified that the countless, indiscriminate sexual encounters she's had over the years have finally caught up to her that she faints and collapses onto the floor. Carrie voice-overs that Samantha turned out to be perfectly healthy...the nurse just wanted to lecture her on the dangers of whoring around at such a frenetic pace.
Carrie is milling around the lobby of a hotel when a Japanese businessman approaches her, says he's seen her a few times here before, and asks, "How much for sex?" Bwahaha! Can't blame the horny man for making a reasonable assumption. Carrie's all, "Wha-a?!" and storms over to Big and tells him she's outa here 'cause a Japanese man just mistook her for a hooker. Carrie rushes outside and happens to run into Charlotte, who gabbles about how she was at a nearby tailor's shop discussing the cobbling together of her wedding gown. A few seconds later, Big runs out of the hotel calling out, "Carrie!" and Charlotte stares at the two in confusion...then brazen disgust. Big makes up a lame story about how he just happened to bump into Carrie at this hotel, but Charlotte hastily excuses herself and flees the awkward encounter.
Later, Carrie is over at Charlotte's apartment, helping her pack and confessing to her shitty affair with Big. Charlotte admonishes her for being the other woman, and Carrie get irked and snaps, "I feel bad enough already!" and Charlotte snaps back, "Good!" and tells her to think about how Big's wife would feel if she found out they've been doinking behind her back. Carrie says she thinks about that all the time, and Charlotte angrily retorts, "No you don't! You think about what would happen to you" and points out that Carrie knows virtually nothing about Natasha and just disdainfully regards her as "the idiot wife". She then asks her what she'd do if someone did this to her [LOL...that would entail someone voluntarily doinking Trey], and Carrie shamefully says, "I would kill them" and assures Charlotte she's quitting the affair. At some point. Maybe.
A week later, Miranda heads back to Blimpie's to see about the man sandwich. When he once again says, "Eat me", Miranda softly asks him to let her see his face...so he takes off the mask and unveils a boyish face and shaggy hairdo. An unimpressed Miranda gives him a curt nod, decides that a lawyer and a man sandwich have absolutely nothing in common, and strolls off. And thankfully, that's the end of that.
Samantha and Tom are enjoying a swingingly good time...and they go at it so hard that the giant screw holding up the swing on the ceiling comes loose, and the two fall to the floor.
Carrie and Big are wrapping up a nooner in his apartment while Natasha suns herself in the Hamptons...and Carrie voice-overs about how their abominable behavior was "the lowest of the low", which is probably the biggest understatement in the history of understatements. She whines, "Could I feel anymore like a hooker?" and Big tells her to stop torturing herself this way, and glosses over the supreme shittiness of doinking the skank in the very bed he shares with his wife. Carrie says they really really need to stop seeing each other...and when he stupidly goes, "Why?", she grabs his ring finger and reminds him he's fucking married. Big offers to call Natasha and tell her they're through - but Carrie stops him and asks him if this means they'll be together for real. Big wisely avoids that can of worms, holds up the phone receiver, and asks, "In or out?" and Carrie chickens out and says she needs more time. Big says he's definitely dumping Natasha on Monday, then says he's going back to the office and that she can let herself out.
Carrie showers, then wanders around Big's kitchen while half dressed, glancing at all the knick-knacks and photos pasted on the fridge. She suddenly hears Natasha enter the apartment and call out, "Honey?" ... and Carrie, in her panic to flee, bumps into a kitchen chair while grabbing her shirt. Natasha hears the clatter and rushes over to the kitchen looking suspicious. Carrie sneaks out a [handily located] back door that leads to an external staircase, but Natasha is close behind and cries, "Carrie! I see you!" and orders her to stop. Carrie continues running while Natasha gabbles about how she's been onto the affair from the start...then stumbles on the staircase, falls down, and knocks out a tooth. Yeech. Carrie rushes over and helps her up, flags down a cab, and escorts her to the nearest hospital.
Carrie is sitting in the hospital waiting room when Big arrives. She tells him that Natasha lost a tooth and got a stitch in her lip...and, in general, is scared and swollen. Big thanks her for getting his wife to the hospital and promises to call - but Carrie firmly says no to that and miserably tells him they're so over they "need a new word for over" [how about: done, depleted, terminated, drained, finito]. She heads toward the exit...and when Big calls out her name, she turns around and stretches out her arms as if to say, "Whaddya gonna do?"
Aidan is waiting for her in her apartment and asks her where she's been all day, and she fibs and says she spent the day wandering around, ambling through museums. She then makes a beeline to the bathroom, runs the water, and stares at her ugly mug in the mirror. She then sadly voice-overs, with a strange dash of triumph in her voice, "Somehow I had found a way to let myself out of the mess and I’d made it home" ... and if by let myself out of the mess she means that Natasha blew the shitty affair apart when she found Carrie lingering in her home after indulging in a nooner with her husband, then yeah, Carrie let herself out of the mess.
Recap: Carrie smooches Aidan at his front door and gabbles at him about how she's leaving him to enjoy a night out with the gigolas, then hits the road. As she skips along the street, she voice-overs how lucky she is to have a great boyfriend and girlfriends to talk about him with...but then suddenly she clutches her temples and contorts her horsey face into an expression of anguish, and we get an icky flashback of her doinkfest with Big from the end of the previous episode. The flashback is a grisly montage of sweaty skin, her nails digging into his back, collective moaning, and the sound of a loud thumping heartbeat. Baboom...baboom... LOL. Consider me thoroughly titillated.
The gals are gathered at Samantha's ultra modern, meat packing district loft and gush about its awesomeness. Samantha raises her wine glass and bellows, "I've arrived!" and says she arranged to have everything delivered for this shindig: homemade baby quiche, a bottle of wine, dinner for four, and a DVD for them to watch later. She needlessly adds that she also got condoms delivered last night, and was able to somehow restrain herself from banging the condom deliverer. She pronounces that the four of them have it all - great jobs, great apartments, great friends, great sex - but then Charlotte throws a wet blanket on her joie de vie and primly says that none of it means anything unless you have someone to share it with. She says her life was never really complete until she met Trey, then says his mom is sooo great and squeals, "You'll meet her at the engagement party!" Samantha struts over to the window, sticks her head out and shrieks, "You see us, Manhattan?! We have it all!" and some guy off camera shouts, "Fuck you!" and she yells back, "You wish!" as if she'd really be above hopping into the sack with a complete stranger who yells fuck you! at women in neighboring buildings.
After the party, Carrie stays behind to help Samantha clean up and confess her Big sin. She insists that she and Big are not having an affair, and that it's never happening again...and by it's never happening again, she means it's about to happen again a few short scenes from now, as well as throughout most of the next episode. She wails, "I'm awful! I have this great boyfriend...what am I doing?!" and Samantha downplays the outright shittiness of Carrie cheating on Aidan and Big cheating on Natasha and casually says, "Nothing men haven't been doing for centuries." She asks if it was good, and Carrie has another sweaty skin/heart thumping flashback - baboom...baboom - and admits it was orgasmic 'cause she and Big have "this thing". She moans again about her wonderful boyfriend, and Samantha tells her to not beat herself up about it...'cause, according to her skewed logic, she's a free agent until Aidan officially tells her he loves her. Carrie says she doesn't want to be a free agent, then asks if she doesn't want to judge her just a little. Black pot wisely tells kettle, "Not my style" and gives her a wink.
Carrie rushes over to Aidan's apartment...and when he sleepily answers the door, she presses herself against him and coos about how much she missed him all evening. She then voice-overs that as long as she was in Aidan's presence, she'd be safe...and by safe she means that she's such a loose canon in this relationship that the only thing stopping her from calling Big for another romp is to physically be in the same room as Aidan. Unfortunately, however...
Aidan leaves for Pennsylvania at dawn the following morning to deliver a hard-carved chair to a customer. Carrie whines about how she wants him to stay, but he says his customers really really want their chair and that he'll only be gone for a couple of days. He kisses her, says, "Be good" and drives off.
Samantha wakes up with the flu and the sun glaring in through the window...and when she tries to close her curtains, the entire rod comes crashing down. She tries phoning a few of her past johns - I mean lovers - to drop by and re-install the thing for her, but none of them has any interest in doing anything for Samantha unless there's a sexual favor in it for them.
Charlotte and Trey are in the bridal registry department at Bergdorf Goodman, looking at china patterns. Charlotte picks out a designer set that costs $1,300, but when Trey sees the price tag he gasps and jokes about how far in debt he'll be if they go with that one...which is nonsensical, 'cause isn't he a doctor from a rich Connecticut family? When Charlotte puts her pouty face on, Trey gives in and says he's too crazy about her to not indulge her with whatever outrageously expensive dishware her heart desires. He gives her a quick smooch and says he needs to get back to the hospital...and Charlotte asks him if he completed his guest list for the engagement party. He says yes and hands her a wad of paper that sneakily includes a prenuptial agreement. When Charlotte asks whassup with him slipping her a prenup without warning, he tells her it's totally standard and that she should feel free to have her lawyer look it over. Charlotte stares back at him in mute bewilderment.
At lunch the next day, Miranda looks over the prenup and tells Charlotte it looks pretty normal. Charlotte hates the idea of having to sign it and says that marriage should only be about love, romance, and improving one's station in life - but Miranda argues that marriage is also about the merging and protection of assets, and that since half of all marriages end up in divorce (as Charlotte's eventually does, ironically enough), prenups are a necessity. Miranda then notices a weird clause in the prenup: for every five years Charlotte and Trey are married, she will receive a percentage of $500,000 in the event of a divorce. Charlotte sadly pouts, "I'm only worth $500,000?" No, dumbass - you're only worth a percentage of $500,000. Miranda clarifies that the full $500,000 would only be redeemable if she divorces after thirty years of marriage. She continues reading the document and informs Charlotte that she'd also get an extra $100,000 for every boy she and Trey have together, but zero dollars for girls. Carrie calls that "bad business" and Charlotte whines that she can't possibly sign such a horrible agreement. Miranda tells her the thing is probably open for negotiation, but Charlotte wails, "I can't negotiate! I can't even buy stuff on sale!" so Miranda advises her to sort it out with Trey. She's suddenly interrupted by a cute man passing by their table in the restaurant...and blushingly introduces him to the gals as George, a lawyer from her firm's Chicago office. Apparently, the two are getting together for dinner tomorrow night and have developed quite the flirty rapport.
Twenty-four hours later, Samantha is still sick with the flu and can't convince any of her former fuck buddies to come over and hang up her curtain rod.
Carrie does her best to keep her mind free of Big thoughts by cleaning out her closet and rearranging her shoes...but she can't keep her brain from flashing back to the sweaty, heart thumping doinkfest. She pulls out her emergency pack of cigarettes from inside a shoe, then puffs away while tapping at her computer. She gabbles to herself about how spoiled women have become by all the choices available to them...and then rambles some nonsense about how choosing one thing - a man, an apartment, a job - means that all other options go away. She ponders that dicked-up mindset for few seconds, then types out: "Are we a generation of women who can’t choose just one from column A? Did we all have too much to handle...or was Samantha right? Can we have it all?"
Two hours later, she's still so distracted by thoughts of Big that she's no longer able to restrain herself from calling him. When she rings, he's once again being chauffeured in his black car...and when he hears her voice on the other end of the line, he flirtily asks, "So how are you?" She tells them they need to talk about what happened between them in the sack the other night, and he agrees and sexily coos, "It was pretty fucking amazing." She tells him they have to figure out a way to rise above the physical stuff...but - OMFG - in the very next scene they're rolling around in her bed, indulging in another illicit doink. As they soak in some post-coital afterglow, he tells her that they're going to need to get a hotel room next time 'cause he doesn't like having to smell Aidan's woodchips and Paco Rabanne scent on her sheets. Carrie weakly says there will be no next time...and by no next time, she means they're going to spend much of the following episode sexing it up in a variety of places [including Big's marital bed, which...gaaaaa! What monumental fucking assholes she and Big are]. She voice-overs that it all felt so easy and so good, and that she was "like the moth to the old flame".
Miranda and George are smooching at her front door until George pulls away and says he has to catch an 11pm flight back to Chicago. He says if they had more time he'd totally be into doing her...but they'll probably get the opportunity 'cause he travels back and forth a lot. He tells her, "In the meantime, there's always the phone" and promises to call her tomorrow night.
The next night, Miranda is wearing a ratty old t-shirt in bed...and she and George are on the phone, happily gabbling about all kinds of fun stuff. After two hours, the conversation takes a sexy turn, and the two get into some amorous verbal sexplay. And that's all I'm gonna to say 'bout that.
Carrie strips her bed to extract the stench of her ugly bumping with Big - just as Aidan returns to town. As he smooches her hello, she voice-overs that she was concerned that he'd be able to smell Big on her. Instead, Aidan hugs her and goes on about how much he missed her...then says he realized something while he was gone and solemnly pronounces, "I love you, Carrie." She stares back at him with a stricken look on her face and dutifully returns his I love you. He then picks her up and carries her over to the bed with no sheets...and as they start going at it, Carrie voice-overs about how awful, yet so good she felt.
Miranda is in the middle of phone-sexing with George when she gets interrupted by a call from Charlotte. Charlotte wails that Trey leaves everything prenup-related to his mother, so Miranda deduces that she'll need to negotiate directly with the old lady. She snaps, "This isn't a good time. I'll call you tomorrow" then tries to resume her phone sex...but, unfortunately, George has already blown his wad. But all is not lost, 'cause he seductively purrs, "Now we have to take care of you."
Carrie visits Samantha, who's still sick with the flu, and makes her a blechy sounding home remedy: cough syrup, Fanta soda, and ice. Carrie blends it all together while puffing on her stupid cigarette (which can't be good for Samantha's flu)...and Samantha is slumped beside her at the kitchen counter, tearfully moaning about how she should have gotten married, and how life means shit if you don't have a man to care about you. Carrie jokes about how the flu has turned Samantha into Charlotte, then helps her blow her nose as she wails, "We're all aloooooone!" Carrie hugs her and assures her they'll always have each other.
Three days later, the gals attend Charlotte's engagement party...and for some reason, Carrie has done up her hair in funny looking, lopsided Princess Leia buns. Miranda glances around the apartment with dismay at all the WASPy couples and says, "I can't believe Charlotte wants to be in this world. They're like Ken and Barbie cutouts." [Um, you've met Charlotte, right?] Charlotte and Trey amble over to greet the three gals and introduce them to Bunny...and a few minutes later, Trey and Bunny excuse themselves to go chat with the reverend before he hits the sauce too hard. Once they're out of earshot, Charlotte tells her friends she hasn't signed the prenup yet...and that she's so confused 'cause she really loves Trey, but feels like no one cares about her and thinks it's weird that she has to negotiate a thing like this. Miranda asks what Trey has to say about all this, and Charlotte says, "Nothing. He leaves it up to his mother." Samantha assures her she can totally take on an old woman who calls herself Bunny...but Charlotte scrunches her face unhappily and cries, "What should I doooo?!" Carrie says she'll have to figure out her gold digging on her own, and Miranda advises her to just do whatever feels right.
Charlotte finds Bunny in a quiet room, pouring herself a drink. She tells her she hasn't yet signed the prenup 'cause she has a problem with how much she's worth. Bunny coldly says, "I see" then tells her it's the standard amount, and the way it's always been done in the MacDougal family. Charlotte digs in and passively-aggressively tells her that the wedding arrangements haven't been finalized yet...and that Trey would be very disappointed if she backed out, and that he'd be deeply embarrassed by the New York Times announcement, since it'd be too late to cancel it. Bunny stonily asks, "What do you want?" and Charlotte replies, "I'm worth a million", which...LOL, not sure how she figures that. Bunny just stares at her mutely - until the scene cuts to Charlotte rushing back to the girls and exclaiming, "I did it!" and says she re-negotiated the prenup so she can bag herself a million bucks if things don't work out (which, conveniently, they don't) and insists that she really really loves Trey. And I'm totally sure she'd love him just as much if he were a garbage collector.
After the party, the gals (minus Charlotte) amble down the street together. Samantha shakes her head in disbelief and says, "I can't believe she's marrying that guy" and Miranda adds, "And for about a tenth of what she’s worth." Please. The I'm worth a million pronouncement was ridiculous enough for one evening.
Carrie is hanging with Aidan at her apartment and proudly voice-overs that she finally kicked her Big addiction...but a few seconds later, the phone rings and it's - guess who?! Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Big tells her he's downstairs, so Carrie abruptly hangs up, pretends to Aidan that she's suddenly dying to take Pete for a walk, and rushes out with the poor dog. She snarks at Big for coming to her house and says he can't do this to her anymore. Big tells her he's going to tell his wife it's over, and Carrie's all, "Nooooo!" and says she has a man who loves her and that he has a wife who loves him. As she continues to natter at him, she forgets about Pete and lets go of his leash...and the pooch makes a break for it and starts fleeing down the sidewalk. After some more tedious back and forth with Big, Carrie finally fucking realizes that Aidan's beloved pet has flown the coop and shrieks, "Shit!" She races after him in her short shorts and stupid stiletto heels and nearly gets hit by a cab...then screams at Big to go home and not tell his wife shit about his philandering.
Miranda is getting all into another phone sex session with George when they're interrupted by a call on his end. When he resumes their verbal doinking, he's suddenly thrusting...Miranda scrunches her face in confusion and is like, "Whoa, you weren't thrusting yet" then suddenly looks appalled and asks him if he's stepping out on her by having simultaneous phone sex with other people. George meekly points out that they never said this was an exclusive thing, and Miranda's like, "OMG!" and slams the phone down.
Three hours later, Carrie is walking the streets aimlessly, soaked by a sudden downpour...yet is somehow able to light up a cigarette and puff away while looking sad and lost. She returns to the apartment, ready to come clean to Aidan about her cheating, and - oh yeah - tell him she lost his much loved dog. When she walks through the door, Aidan says he was worried about her and rushes to the bathroom to get her a towel. Carrie is stunned to see Pete lounging on the floor and cries to Aidan about how she lost him and pretended to look everywhere. She coaxes Pete to come over to her, but he just glares at her from across the room and refuses to budge.
Carrie cries, "I'm awful!" and Aidan assures her it's all good, 'cause Pete found his way back [to her building, somehow let himself in the front door, and ended up in the right apartment]. Aidan puts his solemn face on and says he wants to ask her something...then prefaces it by saying he knew she was shitting him when she acted all eager to take Pete for walk, 'cause he knows that dog walking isn't high on her list of fun things to do. He says he can "smell something" - her phony bullshit? Big's cologne? - then asks, "Are you cheating?" ... and she stares at him tearfully, but then perks up when he adds, "I can smell the smoke on you. Are you smoking again?" Carrie nods and admits she is...but decides to leave out the part about how she's sleeping with her ex-boyfriend...and when he asks her if she's planning on quitting, she squeaks, "I really want to" and the two hug.
Recap: Miranda kisses Fatty goodbye and exits her bedroom...then tiptoes past the living room, where Steve is curled up on the couch with his adorable puppy. The puppy wakes up and makes cute little mewling noises at Miranda, and she tries to shush him so he doesn't wake Steve...but a few seconds later, Steve stirs and is all, "Ack!" when sees Miranda looming in the doorway. He apologizes for taking so long to find an apartment, but says he has a lead on a place. He asks her if it would be weird for her to go with him to look at it...and she mulls that over for a few seconds and decides she'd be totes fine with that.
Carrie and Aidan are working a booth at the annual Furniture Designer's Showcase...and Carrie has dressed herself in a diaphanous white blouse with a bright pink bra underneath, 'cause she seems to really like showing off her bra or bra straps, regardless of how dumb it looks with her weird outfits. She sassily tells Aidan, "I'm like your roadie" - but he points out that since he only has a booth, she's more his booth bitch, and Carrie cackles, "Yeahhhh...I'm your booth bitch" and gives him a big smooch. Aidan says he's off to get coffee, and Carrie quips a few more times about how she's his booth bitch in case we missed the hilarity of the faux job title the first three times. Fuuuuuuuuck. A few seconds later, she spots Big and Natasha heading toward her. She drops to the floor and hides behind Aidan's display furniture, 'cause why not be unnecessarily over-dramatic instead of just pleasantly saying hello to the couple like a normal person might? She overhears Natasha call Aidan's furniture "clunky and oppressive" just as Big spots Carrie hunched on the floor...and when she sees him looming over her with a WTF expression on his face, she pretends she was on all fours to polish the back of the desk. She explains that this is her boyfriend's booth, and - OMFG no - adds, "I'm his booth bitch." Natasha raises her eyebrows perplexedly while Carrie mutters it's an inside joke [that, in the span of a few short minutes, has been obnoxiously overplayed by the writers]. Natasha politely says that Aidan's pieces are fantastic - just not their style - and Big makes a face and mockingly adds, "We only like teeny tiny furniture." Aidan, meanwhile, returns with two cups of coffee and hands one to Carrie and gives her a quizzical look. She tells him she was just chattin' with her friends...but the introductions go awry when she accidentally spills coffee on Big's crotch before she has a chance to reveal his first name to viewers. It's unclear why the writers took such great pains to keep a boring first name like John a state secret until the series finale, but OK. I guess they thought referring to him as Mr. Big for six seasons was clever and fun. As Big and Natasha scurry off to find cold water to soothe Big's scalded nutsack, Aidan remarks, "They seem nice" and asks Carrie how she knows them. She mutters, "Oh, from around...like a hundred years ago" then clings onto Aidan from behind as if he's a life preserver.
Two hours later, a drunk looking Big returns to the booth and spouts sarcastic jokes about Aidan being like Daniel Boone, then bitches about how Natasha only likes beige furniture. He growls, "Beige is bullshit" and Carrie retorts, "I thought you wanted beige", and Big replies, "It doesn't quite fit." When he tries to bum a smoke, she shrugs and tells him she quit, and adds that they used to do a lot of unhealthy shit together. Like be in a relationship when one of them is scarily needy and the other is largely indifferent. Big says he has a secret to tell her, then rolls up the brochure he's carrying and bellows through it like it's a blowhorn: "It's not working. I'm getting out." He then shoots her a creepish stare and adds, "If you know anyone who's interested." Carrie pretends to be completely unaffected by the news and says he should keep that to himself 'cause no one here is interested in that information...and by no one here is interested in that information, she means she's doing her best to pretend she's not totally intrigued, jubilant, and positively giddy about the idea of him jumping back into the dating pool! Wheeeee!
The camera cuts to Carrie announcing to the gigolas, "Big's leaving his wife" ... and they're all, "Wha-a?!" and demand to hear the deets. When Carrie recounts what happened at the Designer's Showcase, Samantha declares, "You won" and explains that everyone who's ever been broken up with automatically enters the Who Will Die Miserable? contest. Charlotte reminds Carrie that he's still a married man, and Carrie breezily assures the gals she has no intention of doing anything 'cause she has a great boyfriend [who she'll have no problem cheating on] and isn't insane [she is a brazen nutjob]. She then picks up her menu and pretends to be engrossed in the various food options. When Charlotte remarks that Big and Natasha have only been married for seven months, Miranda sternly says it should serve as a warning for people who jump into a relationship too quickly. LOL, subtle. Charlotte pouts and insists that she and Trey are nothing like Big and Natasha 'cause they really love each other. She excitedly tells the gals she's meeting Trey's mother this weekend...and if all goes well, he's this close to proposing! Miranda looks aghast and cries, "You just met!" and Charlotte shrugs and says it's not logical, reasonable, or sensible: it's looooove. Miranda rolls her eyes at the nitwit and goes, "Whatever" while Samantha turns to Carrie and asks, "So...how did he look?" Carrie blushingly chortles.
Steve brings Miranda along to view the apartment, and it's a grisly, dungeon-style basement studio. Miranda pulls Steve aside, calls it "the doorway to hell", and says there has to be a better apartment out there.
Carrie is at home, tapping out her column and nattering about the difference between what people know and what they feel...and it leads to the question du jour she's throwing out for Sex and the City viewers to chew on: when it comes to relationships, is it smarter to follow your heart or your head?
Charlotte and Trey are having drinks with Bunny, the MacDougal matriarch. Bunny shows Charlotte photos of Trey as a young man, then nods approvingly when Charlotte tells her she plays tennis. When Trey orders a stiff drink, Bunny places a restraining hand on his arm and suggests he order red wine instead 'cause it's better for the heart [a stupid myth: alcohol is not good for the heart...but I digress], and Trey obediently nods and chirps, "All righty" and promptly changes his order. Bunny then asks where he and Charlotte are planning to dine this evening, and when Trey names a snooty Midtown restaurant, she puts her hand back on his forearm, makes a blech face, and says she was there last week and ate some disappointing crab and endured a rude host. She suggests a different restaurant, and Trey nods and agreeably says, "All righty." Charlotte quietly takes all this in, somehow intrigued by her boyfriend's spinelessness when dealing with his overbearing mother...and the wheels begin to turn in her marriage obsessed head.
Samantha is blowing her latest hookup, a film editor named Adam. He explodes in her mouth and raves about her superb head-giving abilities...but when the camera pans down to his groin area, Samantha is contorting her face in an eww gross! expression.
At brunch the next day, Samantha matter-of-factly declares, "I'm dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk" ... and the camera pans from one gal to another as they each stare at each other in mute bewilderment at the icky TMI. Charlotte, who has decided that their raunch-filled conversations have finally gone a bridge too far for her sensibilities, grabs her purse and stomps out of the diner. Samantha apologizes for her usual crassness, then wails, "Who else can I talk to about this?!" and Carrie's like, "Might I suggest no one?" Samantha's like, "Yeah right" and proceeds to describe Adam's jizz as "asparagus gone bad mixed with Clorox" - yikes! - then wonders if his putrid spunk could be due to poor nutrition. She says she has absolutely no idea how she's going to fake her enjoyment of the foul tasting bodily fluids that squirt out of this man...and Miranda's like, "How about: just don't blow the guy anymore??" Samantha scrunches her face in wonderment and coos, "I never even thought of that."
Miranda returns home, hit play on her answering machine, and looks put out as she listens to a message that a smitten sounding woman left for Steve.
Carrie, meanwhile, comes home to a phone message from Big, who says he needs to talk to her about the other day. No you don't. Stop calling. You were never into Carrie even when you were dating her...remember?? She re-plays the message six times...and like the annoyingly Big-obsessed turd she is, summons Miranda to her place STAT! so the two can analyze it further. She exclaims, "He wants to get back together!" and a disinterested Miranda says they could analyze the dumb call all day and never know for sure...then says it's glaringly obvious what she wants to do about it.
After Miranda leaves, Carrie decides she can't stand the uncertainty of Big's intentions a moment longer and calls the idiot oaf, who's being chauffeured around Manhattan in his black car. As Carrie clutches the phone and scrunches her face in hopeful anticipation, he tells her he thought about ending his marriage, but then realized it's going to cost him a lot and figures he should just lie in the bed he made. Weird, I would have figured he'd have asked Natasha to sign a prenup. A crestfallen Carrie snaps, "You do that!" and slams the phone down. Haha!
Aidan and Carrie are laying in her bed, and Aidan is staring up at the cracks in her ceiling. He remarks how run-down the apartment is and suggests it could use a little work. He offers to strip her floors and promises it'll only take one day...and when she happily takes him up on it, he coos, "A special lady needs a special home." Carrie leaps atop him and the two start going at it.
Samantha takes Adam to an organic restaurant and orders wheat grass shots in an effort to see if it'll improve the taste of his spunk. Afterwards, the two head back to his place, where Samantha blows him - but, unfortunately, his wad tastes just as funky as it did before.
Charlotte and Trey are out for dinner...and Charlotte tries to wield her own brand of Bunny-esque power when Trey orders a salad. She places her hand on his arm and urges him to instead try the tomato basil, and he chirps, "All righty", then tells her she got a very positive rating from his mother. He then stares at her intensely and softly says, "Charlotte.." and she stares back, clearly itching to blurt out, "YES YES YES!! Of course I'll marry you!!" - but at that moment the waitress interrupts the moment to deliver the plate of tomato basil. After Trey takes a few bites, he credits her with always being able to anticipate what he wants. Emboldened by the compliment, Charlotte places her hand on his arm again and says, "Maybe we should get married" and he replies, "All righty" with the same level of excitement he said when she suggested he order tomato basil. LOL. Charlotte looks dismayed as he continues eating.
Charlotte races over to Carrie's apartment to spacily announce, "I'm engaged" ... and when Carrie's all, "Wha-a?!", Charlotte recounts the awkward non-proposal and Trey's tendency to say, "All righty" to pretty much every suggestion that comes his way. Carrie tells Charlotte how disturbing it is for her to be marrying a man who so frequently says all righty - and Charlotte wails that she wanted to be the one to say yes in response to a marriage proposal. Carrie dismissively says, "Oh, who cares about those stupid rules!" and Charlotte sadly whimpers, "I do" and laments about how there was no kneeling or glittery diamond ring. She cries that it's an awful, romantic engagement story she won't be able to rub anyone's nose in...and Carrie does her best to comfort her with a hug.
Steve's cute puppy sits in front of Miranda's bedroom door at 4:00am and barks for her attention. Miranda bellows for Steve to deal with his dog...but when she storms out to the living room, she sees that it's empty. Carrie voice-overs that it finally sunk in for Miranda that their relationship was officially over...even though Miranda was the one who firmly decided he had to be ejected out of her life for being too childish.
Steve returns a few hours later to collect his puppy, and sheepishly thanks Miranda for letting him crash on her couch. She's surprisingly polite to him in return and says she circled some leads on available apartments in the Village Voice, then adds, "I think we did pretty good." Steve agrees and says he'd like to keep in touch...then stares sadly after Miranda when she's like, "Sure, whatever" and heads off to work.
Carrie is trying to tap out her raunch for the week, but she's too distracted by Aidan's noisy, dusty mess as he strips her floors. She tells him she's going to get a room at the Stanhope Hotel around the corner, then packs up her laptop and flounces out.
Trey and a bummed looking Charlotte amble down Fifth Avenue, hand in hand...and when they come upon Tiffany & Co., Trey suggests they go inside and pick out the most beautiful diamond engagement ring in the store. Charlotte perks up at that and squeals, "All righty!" and decides that her official engagement story - for anyone who's keeping score - will be: out of nowhere, Trey popped the question while they happened to be walking past Tiffany's. Awwwww!
In a bedroom downtown, Adam is pushing Samantha's head towards his crotch, which...classy, dude. Samantha comes right out and tells him how putrid his spunk tastes, and he gets all pissy and accuses her of making up excuses so she doesn't have to give him anymore head. Samantha takes that as an insult and says, on the contrary, she loooooves dispensing blowjobs to her hookups - the jaw stress and gag reflex problems notwithstanding. She does, however, balk slightly at the task when a man's spunk is like "a trip to the rotten egg buffet" ... and when he's all, "Wha-a?!" she makes him a deal: if he tastes his spunk and isn't as grossed out as she's been by it, she'll blow him one last time before moving onto her next lay. He takes a sip of his spunk, looks instantly nauseous, but fibs and tells her it tastes just fine. Samantha keeps her word and gets busy between his legs - even though, as Carrie voice-overs, her heart wasn't in it. What a trooper.
Big calls Carrie at the Stanhope (after being directed there by an unsuspecting Aidan), and says he's in the lobby. Carrie barks, "I'll be right down!" and wraps herself in a flowy trench coat type thing and storms downstairs. She finds Big in the bar and wails about how she has a deadline and a boyfriend...and Big admits he was kind of an asshole on the phone the other day, then mumbles that he doesn't know what he wants, wah wah. Carrie yells at him to stop flirting with her, jerking her around, and calling her apartment...'cause she'd prefer it if Aidan never found out about them. She then storms out of the bar and races to the elevator...and Big chases her and says he now realizes what a YUGE mistake he made in marrying a classy, beautiful non-skank who likes neutral tones. He lunges at Carrie and forcibly kisses her her, and she pushes him away and snaps, "Fuck you!" ... but when he continues with his forcible kissing, she instantly melts and murmurs, "Mmm...fuck me."
Post coitus, Carrie and Big lay in her hotel bed together, smoking and grinning at each other as she voice-overs, "And just like that, I lost my head." Like that's any kind of reasonable explanation, asshole.
Recap: Carrie voice-overs that Manhattan is the kind of place where you can get anything you want any time...and then we see Miranda hailing a cab at 2:00am, and Samantha receiving a delivery of Chinese food at 3:00am with a naked man standing behind her. Carrie, however, doesn't enjoy this level of availability when it comes to her dry cleaning, and she's irked when she gets there after closing time. Charlotte, meanwhile, is spending all of her free time with her - fingers crossed! - soulmate, Trey: a doctor with a lot of family money and who appears to have it all. He and Charlotte play a lot of kissy-face - but like the good Rules girl she is, she refuses to go past first base and is careful to not invite him into her apartment after their dates.
At the nail salon, Charlotte gushes to Carrie about how thoughtful Trey is. She says that the other day she told him she wasn't feeling very well, so he brought her some soup...and as a reward, she permitted him to temporary slide into second base. She tells Carrie she wants to take things slow 'cause of how desperate she is for him to be the one. Carrie says she can't possibly know he's the one after only two weeks - but Charlotte is nervously clinging to that hope, and says it's getting hard to not hit the sheets 'cause of how damn sexy he is [meh...he's passable at best]. And so she's limiting her services to "kissing with extras".
Carrie and Aidan spend a lot of time hanging out in her bed, where they eat Chinese food and canoodle. Ugh.
As Samantha collects her mail in the lobby of her apartment building, an aging hippy named Len Schnieder gives her an appreciative once-over and invites her over to his place for wine spritzers. Samantha stares at him in haughty disdain while Carrie voice-overs, "She didn't think it was OK for over-the-hill losers to be asking out hot women like her." As Samantha flees the lobby, Len schmaltily coos, "I'm keeping you on neighborhood watch!" and she rolls her eyes in revulsion. As she sashays along the street and sorts through her mail, she's annoyed that the pile includes a catalogue called New Transitions, a publication that's geared toward pre-menopausal women.
While out for drinks with the gals, Samantha throws the New Transitions catalogue onto the table and indignantly pronounces, "I'm not transitioning, I'm happening." Charlotte leafs through it and comes across an article about vagina weights and is all, "Ewww!" Miranda explains that they're for "keeping things tight down there", and Samantha overshares that she does her vagina-strengthening Kegel exercises every day, then lowers her voice all seductive-like and adds, "I'm doing them now." Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda gabble about how great life will be when they reach menopause - then realize that they're currently on the same cycle. Charlotte squeals, "I've heard of this happening!" and Samantha shifts uncomfortably and tells the gals she's expecting Aunt Flow any day now.
Carrie races to the dry cleaner's to pick up her fabulous party dress for the upcoming Gab magazine launch party...but once again she gets there too late, and the guy refuses to reopen the shop (haha!) and accommodate her seeming inability to pick up her dry cleaning during service hours.
Miranda and Steve are having dinner at a Japanese restaurant while surrounded by screaming babies. Miranda mutters that it's inappropriate to bring babies to restaurants, but Steve says they're cute and that he likes having babies around. He then gets a brain fart and says, "We should do it. We should have a baby" and Miranda assumes he's kidding and goes, "Yeah, right." When she realizes he was being totally serious, she glares at him in horror, calls the idea insane, and barks at him about how the timing isn't right 'cause they've only been living together for two months - plus, she's about to make partner at her firm. Steve says it would be fun and that he could hang out with the baby during the day...but Miranda snarls that it would be a ton of work and that she'd probably be up with the baby all night and then have to go to work all day. Steve glumly stares into his noodle bowl and mutters, "I hope the baby inherits my positive attitude."
Carrie phones up Aidan (who's walking Pete) and invites him to join her for a boat ride to celebrate the Gab launch party, but he declines and says he'd prefer to stay on dry land.
Boat party. Carrie brings over some champagne for Charlotte and Trey, and then Trey launches into a tedious blow-by-blow account of how he met Charlotte. Carrie nods politely while voice-overing how tired she is of hearing this re-telling for the umpteenth time - to say nothing of how unnecessary it is to recap for viewers, since we saw the whole thing at the end of the previous episode. Carrie politely excuses herself and heads over to the buffet, where she - ack! - bumps into Mr. Big. He smarmily says, "I thought I might see you here" and when Carrie asks him where Natasha is, he replies, "She missed the boat." Badoom bah. Carrie files away that tidbit and wanders off...and a few seconds later, Charlotte comes bounding over to show her the Cartier watch that Trey just gave her. She exclaims, "I think this is it!" then scampers back to her beloved. Carrie heads over to the railing to wistfully stare down at the water...and Big suddenly appears beside her and says, "Can't we have a conversation anymore?" He asks her if she's seeing anyone, and she says she is...and that he's a kind and decent man [who she, in no way, deserves to have in her life]. Big compliments the fancy blue dress she's wearing, and she jokes that he'd probably be even more dazzled by the sluttastic dress that's currently being held hostage by her dry cleaner. She breezily says, "Good to see you", and then saunters off, doing her best to look unaffected and casual.
The gals are in a restaurant bathroom, primping and gabbling about their concurrent menstrual cycles...except for Samantha, whose period is now five days late. Charlotte starts nattering about how in looooove with Trey she is, and how fate put them in the same place at the same time so they could swoon over each other at first sight. Miranda argues that it's not so much fate as it was Trey's willingness to settle down that brought them together...then compares him to a taxi-cab driver who turned on his on duty sign and picked up the first passenger who flagged him down for a ride. Haha! Samantha gets cranky about her missing period, then wails about how she's all dried up and bummed that her time is up. Carrie assures her that she has years of miserable cramps ahead of her...but Samantha announces that she has a shocking confession to make, then says, "I'm a little older than you" ... and the gals look fake shocked.
Carrie is in her apartment, tapping out her craptastic column. This week she's pondering whether life is a series of random occurrences...and that if she weren't ten minutes late for everything all the time, would her life be totally different? Would she have ever met Big? Would she finally get her dry cleaning back? Would people appreciate her punctuality instead of always being annoyed at her rude tardiness?
Miranda is trying to get some lawyer work done in her apartment while Steve eats cereal and watches Scooby-Doo cartoons in the living room. She barks at him to turn the volume down, but he ignores her and says she's going to have to get used to a noisy house once they have a baby. Miranda leaps out of her chair and tells him they're not in a great place to even be thinking about having a baby, then storms over to the living room and bitchily orders him to tear himself away from the cartoons and pay attention to her. He impishly says he can't do that 'cause it's a really good episode, and she snarls, "You know what?! Forget it!" and says she wants to shelve 'the baby thing' for awhile. She gathers up her work stuff, snaps at him to use a coaster for his glass, then storms out of the room...and Steve stares into his cereal bowl with his sad face on. I know Steve's not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but I can't fathom why he'd want continue a relationship with a woman who's so snappishly cunty to him all the damn time.
Miranda tells Carrie that she and Steve are in a shitty place, and complains that he's using the idea of a baby as a bandaid for everything that's wrong in their relationship - like her constant bitchitude, for example. She complains that he acts like a kid, and that she nags him all the time like a mean mommy...then wryly adds, "And no one wants to fuck mean mommy." She says they haven't had sex in over a week - egads! - and wonders aloud if she might be sabotaging this relationship in order to avoid having a baby, despite the loud and increasingly urgent ticking of her biological clock.
Samantha is so despondent about her period pulling a no-show that she lowers her already low bar and accepts a date with Len Schnieder. She gets drunk during dinner, looks visibly depressed as he natters on and on about his artificial hip...and while they're boning in his apartment afterward, she lays underneath him, audibly sighing. After a few quick thrusts, Len happens to glance under the sheets - then gasps and says, "Either you're a virgin or Flow just came to town." Samantha suddenly perks up and laughingly apologizes for the bloody mess, then gets dressed and flees the apartment, buoyed with confidence that she's still hot enough to get banged by guys far better looking than this dullard.
Steve calls Miranda at work and asks her to meet him at a specific address. He promises it'll help their deteriorating relationship, and she unenthusiastically tells him she'll be there.
The address is a pet store, and Steve holds up an adorable fluffy little black and white puppy and proposes that they adopt him...kind of as a pre-baby test run to see if Miranda can handle caring for another living thing without going too squirrelly-bitchy in the process. He promises to do most of the work caring for the pooch, then contorts his voice as if he's the puppy and begs the nice (!) lady to take him home. Miranda calls Steve insane, but then goes, "Yeah, OK, whatever." I already fear for this poor puppy.
Charlotte and Trey are kissing goodnight in front of her apartment, and he's rehashing the tedious story of how they first met (fuuuuuuuuuuuck). He tries to invite himself in, but she primly tells him she has an early meeting, then says goodnight and closes the door. He softly knocks on her door, and she opens it and smilingly says, "You're very persistent." He replies with, "I love you, Charlotte" and she beams from ear to ear and goes, "You do..?" then returns his I love you and pulls him inside the apartment for an impromptu hand job, Rules be damned.
As anyone could predict, Miranda gets annoyed when the puppy starts whimpering in his little box during the night. She orders him to shut up and go to sleep...but when he keeps crying, she smacks Steve awake and growls, "Are you happy?!" and says she knew from the get-go that this would be a YUGE mistake. Steve picks up the puppy and comforts him while Miranda storms out of the bed and says she's sick of him being the kid in the relationship. A hurt looking Steve asks her if she's going to give up on them just like that, and she's like, "Well, d'yuh" and says that her rage over his childishness has been brewing pretty much since the day they got back together. She flatly states, "This isn't going to work, Steve" ... and when he argues, "There's good stuff here!" she says it's not enough, and that a baby would only be a quick fix. Not to mention an unmitigated disaster for the poor child. Steve wearily says he doesn't want to fight with her anymore, and Miranda weakly insists that she really did try. Sort of. Though not very hard. The next day, Miranda makes partner at her law firm - but after seeing what a heartless bitch she was to the sweet puppy on his first night in a new home, I really couldn't give a shit about her professional milestone.
Carrie and Aidan return to her apartment for the night...and when she asks him if he'd like to sleep over, he's like, "Yep." As he mills around the kitchen, Carrie plays her answering machine - and is so startled by the sound of Big's voice that she hastily shuts it off. An oblivious Aidan tells her she's out of coffee filters and offers to go to the nearby store to pick some up...and on his way out, he looks into her eyes and says, "You make me really happy." Poor, dumb sap. A few seconds later, there's a knock at the door, and Carrie is shocked to find Mr. Big standing on her doorstep. He looks all tortured and mumbles about how he doesn't know what he wants, blah blah.. Carrie firmly says, "No. Go home to your wife" and he whines, "I'm so fucked up." Well duh. Carrie closes the door on him, then plays his answering machine message, which says: "I miss you. I can't stop fucking thinking about you." &^%$#@!! Several minutes later, Carrie moodily stares out the window as she voice-overs that the message Big just left for her came a year too late...and that ten minutes later, she was still waiting for Aidan to return from the store with coffee filters.
Maybe there was a long line, Carrie.
Recap: Carrie voice-overs that she and Aidan have been dating for three weeks...and for some reason, the mellow, drama-free relationship is causing her to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. She can't figure out why this keeps happening, 'cause absolutely everything in her life seems to be in good order. When she continues waking up in a cold sweat, she decides she must be caught up in some sort of imagined existential crisis, and says, "For the first time in my life, I was in a relationship where absolutely nothing was wrong." Which I'll take to mean that she's about to indulge her self-destructive tendencies by sabotaging a healthy relationship with a perfectly nice guy for no logical reason.
At brunch the next day, Carrie complains to the gals that her relationship with Aidan is nothing but smooth sailing and calm seas. A perplexed Charlotte asks why this is a problem, so Carrie tells her it feels odd, that she likes "the hunt", and the effortlessness of being with an easygoing guy like Aidan is freaking her out. Samantha nods knowingly and says, "You're not getting the stomach flip." Miranda argues that there is an upside to being with a guy who has no surprises up his sleeve, and says she looooves that Steve is completely predictable, comfortable, and safe. Furthermore, she spends Saturday nights doing his laundry and has never been happier. Samantha makes a blech face, and calls her relationship with Steve her "greatest fear realized", then turns to Carrie and says, "If he seems too good to be true, then he probably is." Charlotte is suitably appalled at the notion of dumping guys for being too kind or available, then pulls out a book she's reading entitled Marriage Inc. It advises marriage-obsessed women like herself to spend less time with slutty single friends who focus on sex 24/7 and more time with married couples...the logic being that bachelor friends of married men are New York City's greatest untapped resource.
Miranda returns home and eats lasagna with Steve...and then the two spoon feed each other ice cream in bed. After that, it's a perfunctory doink, then a chance for Miranda to get caught up on Frontline while clipping her toenails.
Samantha's latest hookup is a doctor who enjoys taking Viagra recreationally 'cause apparently the drug sends him "on a rocket trip". Samantha looks intrigued as she gets him a glass of water...and a few minutes later she's moaning during his frenetic, woodpecker-style thrusting, 'cause yeah that looks super pleasurable.
Meanwhile, back at Casa Hobbes, Miranda and Steve are quietly spooning.
The next day, Carrie and Aidan amble around Manhattan. She asks him how it's possible that he's still single, and he points at her and asks her the same thing. She snaps at him to not get cute 'cause she fucking hates it when people get cute...and when Aidan says he expects an apology for her bitchitude, she admits that she can get a tad bitchy from time to time. She asks him about his bad traits, 'cause no way can she continue on with the pressure of this "perfect" relationship. [Get out now, Aidan!!] She asks him why he's never been married, and he tells her to chillax and just go with the flow. He then informs her that his parents will be in town this weekend...and for some God-only-knows-why reason, he wants her to meet them. A stunned Carrie mumbles, "That is really nice."
Charlotte is having dinner with her friend Amy and Amy's goofy looking husband Dennis. Charlotte announces that this is the year she's getting married...despite the fact that there's no prospect in sight and it's already the end of July. Dennis is like, "Oh..? Who's the lucky guy?" and Charlotte says she has no idea yet, then asks him if he can help out with that by setting her up with a single friend. While Dennis pretends to mull that over, Amy chirps, "What about Phil?" and tells Charlotte he's nice, good looking, and owns an Internet company. Charlotte squeals, "Phil!" and says she has tickets to the opera and would love to take him. She excitedly tells Dennis she'll confirm with him tomorrow about setting up a date.
Miranda is sorting through Steve’s dirty laundry and is aghast when she sees a poop stain on his underwear. Revolted, she throws the soiled gitch into the washing machine and quickly slams the door shut.
Miranda tells Carrie about the poop stain, and declares that the poopy pants have officially marked the end of romance in the relationship. She then wonders if she's less in a comfort zone than she is in a rut, and complains that even their sex life is well planned. Carrie's like, "Blah, blah...enough about you" and gabbles about how Mr. Big used to keep her far away from his mother during the church episode - which is in direct contrast to Aidan, who has already invited her to meet his parents. Of course, being the fickle moron she is, she isn't sure she actually wants to meet Ma and Pa Shaw. It suddenly dawns on her that Aidan is acting the way she wanted Big to act, and she's acting the way Big did.
Carrie returns to her apartment to churn out her weekly installment of sex-centric crap. As she taps away on her laptop, she natters some bullcack about how people - and by people she means herself - "are raised to believe that the course of true love can never run smoothly, and that there need to always be obstacles before they can live happily ever after". She wonders if something is missing when obstacles are not there, then taps out: "Do we need drama to make a relationship work?" No, Carrie. Those of us who aren't textbook narcissists don't need drama to make a relationship work...nor is a question like that even on the radar of emotionally stable people.
Charlotte calls Dennis to see about getting him to set up a blind date with Phil...but when he doesn't return any of her calls, she leaves him a snarky, crazy sounding message that accuses him of trying to keep her and Phil apart.
A restless looking Carrie hangs out in Aidan's furniture store, voice-overing that her anxiety-free relationship was driving her squirrelly brain crazy. She interrupts him while he's chatting with a customer (!) and tells him she's going to need to pass on dinner 'cause she needs to rush home and finish tapping out her raunch. He reminds her that his parents will be arriving in town tomorrow night, and that he thought it would be nice if they all went out for breakfast in the morning. Carrie makes a yeech face and says she's been wondering if that's really a good idea...and Aidan misinterprets the source of her angst and assures her that his parents will love her. Carrie waves a hand in the air and says she's not worried 'bout that, then boasts. "Parents have always been my thing. They think I'm adorable." OK. OMFG. Let me just say that, the Valerie Harper episode notwithstanding, I have serious doubts that an even slightly intuitive mother wouldn't be able to instantly see through this skank's self-serving bullshit a mile away...and then privately beg and plead with her son to date anybody else. Carrie explains that she's more concerned about them breaking up and him having to explain whatever happened to the adorable girl, then reminds him that meeting parents is a big deal. Aidan shrugs amiably and says she can meet them some other time, and adds that he'll miss her this weekend. Carrie bitchily says maybe it's a good thing that they'll have time to miss each other 'cause lately they've been too available to each other. Aidan gives her a funny look and informs her that he does have a life - he was just making room for her in it...and Carrie growls about how he always manages to say the right thing. [Why, Aidan? Why will you not flee?]
With no Phil on the horizon, Charlotte takes Carrie to the opera. She calls Dennis from the lobby and snarkily tells him she's at the opera - though not with Phil 'cause he refused to return her many calls. While she's snarking into the phone, Dennis picks up and explains that he's been away on a business trip, and didn't realize that a blind date with Phil was so important to her. He offers to set something up at Rudy's Bar tomorrow night, and promises that Phil will meet her there.
The doctor who's currently boning Samantha takes another Viagra pill just before hitting the sheets. An intrigued Samantha wonders aloud what would happen if she were to take one, but the doctor tells her it hasn't yet been established that they work for women. Samantha takes out one of the pills, holds it up, and asks, "There's no harm in trying, is there doctor?" ... and when she doctor neglects to tell her that it's unclear whether Viagra is safe for women to take or what kind of long-term effects it could have on the female body, Samantha pops it into her mouth and washes it down with a swig of water. Twenty minutes later, she's riding his baloney pony in a freakish looking state of ecstasy, while Carrie glibly voice-overs, "Samantha officially became the first woman to land on the moon."
Carrie is bored by the opera and borrows Charlotte's opera glasses to scan the crowd on the opposite side of the performance hall. She spots Big - ack! - who just happens to be looking through his opera glasses at that exact moment. He gives her a friendly wave, and she freezes for a few seconds, then tells Charlotte she isn't feeling well and needs to go home right this second. After she flees, Big mutters something to Natasha, and rushes out to - for some God-only-knows-why reason - chase after Carrie. Carrie voice-overs that she knew she was being rude to Charlotte (d'yuh) and a tad over-dramatic (try painfully immature, considering you're a grown ass woman) to flee at the sight of an ex-boyfriend...which, let's face it, he barely even was. Big tries to race after her, but gives up after he sees that she's exited the opera house and taken off down the street.
Carrie wakes up in a cold sweat once again - but this time she knew it was 'cause of the Big sighting. She calls Miranda, despite it being the middle of the fucking night, and tells her that maybe there is something to being with an emotionally stable, available man. She decides that she will try being a grown up and remain in a relationship with a man who - for some God-only-knows-why reason - wants to be with her.
The next morning Carrie calls Aidan, but is unable to get a hold of him. When evening falls, she gets the "stomach flip" and starts worrying that her shitty behavior earlier cost her a relationship - which she, in no way, even deserves.
Miranda is doing laundry when Steve enters the room, gives her a smooch, and the two start getting it on atop the vibrating washing machine.
Charlotte arrives at Rudy's and asks a few good looking men if they're Phil - and suddenly Dennis appears and tells her that Phil isn't coming. He says he was worried that she'd really like him, which would create a problem for him. When Charlotte scrunches her face in confusion, he confesses that he's totally in love with her...and Charlotte's like, "You can't be. You're married to my friend." Dennis sadly tells her that things on that front haven't been working out very well lately. Charlotte admonishes him for keeping her away from his eligible bachelor friends, then slaps him across the face and says she has no intention of participating in a sleazy affair with such a goofy looking guy. As she storms out of the bar, he chases after her...and she runs across the street to flag down a taxi, falls flat on her face, and is almost run over by the taxi, which screeches to a halt. A man bursts out of the back seat and anxiously asks her if she's all right, then helps her to her feet. As he's doing that, the two get lost in each other's eyes, and shyly introduce themselves. "And that" - Carrie voice-overs - "is how Charlotte met her new leading man", Trey. I'm sure we're all a-swoon.
Samantha whines to her doctor fuck buddy that she wants to pop another Viagra, but he suggests they go pill-less. Samantha refuses, throws a tantrum, and gets so hysterical for her Viagra fix that he finally just throws the bottle at her to shut her up. She grabs a pill, swallows it...and gets dumped soon after their energetic doink.
After being ignored by Aidan for two days - way to go, Aidan! - Carrie shows up at the diner where he and his parents are meeting for breakfast. She knocks on the window and motions for him to come outside, then natters to him about what a big deal it is to meet the parents, and tells him he's a good, good man. When she chides him for not returning any of her calls, he tells her he was merely taking her advice and was trying to be less available. She goes, "Really? You don't have to do everything I say" and he chuckles at her constant inane head games and ushers her into the diner so that he can introduce her to his parents.
Recap: Carrie and Aidan are smooching in her doorway, and - OMFG - she's wearing a micro-mini with a wide slit up the side, giving Aidan barrier-free access to her bare buttocks. She voice-overs about how, after four dates, she's waited long enough to hit the sheets...but when she saucily asks Aidan if he wants to sleep over, he's like, "Nah. I have to feed Pete and get up early." Bwahaha! He then kisses her forehead and ambles off, leaving her staring after him in puzzlement.
A horny looking guy knocks on Samantha's door...and when she answers it, she strips off her robe and pulls him inside. The next morning on her way to work, she notices a group of elderly tenants gathered around the doorman's desk...and when she asks whassup, they tell her that one of their tenant friends - an elderly woman - was robbed early this morning. Samantha asks how the perp got in, and haughtily adds, "This is supposed to be a safe building." A police officer plays the surveillance footage, and it looks like the gunman entered the building right behind the man who boned Samantha. She's all, "Ack!", murmurs, "That's terrible..", and inches away. One of the women snaps, "Who has a guest at two in the morning?!" and Samantha wisely flees before anyone can deduce that the 2:00am guest couldn't have been anyone else's but hers.
During brunch, Miranda asks everyone what they did last night...and no one answers, except Charlotte who grumbles, "I don't want to talk about it" which is code for we're about to hear all about it. Apparently, Charlotte is currently bumping uglies with an investment banker...and the sex is great and all, except for one troubling thing. She stammers that when he...then makes a vague hand gesture, so Samantha fills in the blanks: "Came, orgasmed, shot his wad" and we get a flashback of the climaxing investment banker atop Charlotte shrieking, "You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!" The gals point out that he blurted this out in mid-come, but Charlotte doesn't look comforted and wails, "Do you think I'm a whore?!" Samantha chuckles, "Oh please. If you're a whore, what does that make me?" and Carrie and Miranda avoid eye contact and somehow refrain from blurting out, "A mega, uber, jumbo, mammoth, gargantuan, stage four whore!" Charlotte miserably moans, "No one wants to marry a whore" and Carrie abruptly changes the subject to herself and complains about how she and Aidan are still not hitting the sheets. She says he keeps asking her out and smooching her goodnight...but for some unfathomable reason, he doesn't seem interested in going to bed with her. Samantha wonders aloud if he's gay or has a dick with a curve, and Miranda says perhaps he has mother issues. Samantha warns Carrie not to wait too long to mount his schlong, 'cause the relationship window could permanently close any day now.
Carrie and Aidan end another date with a long smoochfest at her door. She invites him inside...and when he says he'd better run along home, she snarkily mutters, "Yeah yeah" and storms inside. He knocks on the door and asks whassup with her bitchitude, so she asks him if he's only interested in being friends. He asks her if she smooches her friends like that, so she comes right out and asks him if he has any desire to bone her. He replies, "I do. Look at you" - ugh - then says he has a history of doinking women too early, as is evidenced by his still single status. He says it's his "new thing" to only sleep with women he truly cares about, and he thinks he might possibly be able to care about her. He then reminds her that they've only been going out for a week and a half, and bewilderedly asks, "Don't people date anymore?!" People do; the Sex and the City gigolas do not.
Carrie can't help but wonder why she expected to sleep with Aidan after only a week and a half. Had she become so slutty - I mean jaded that she couldn't even recognize romance anymore? She writes the word romance onto a post-it and slaps it onto her laptop screen.
Carrie and Miranda are ambling through Central Park together...and Carrie is gabbling about how it simply didn't occur to her that Aidan was romancing her. She calls it depressing, and Miranda pulls a Carrie and goes, "Speaking of depressing, let's talk about me now" and reports that her gynaecologist just informed her she has chlamydia. And since she's been indulging in one meaningless hookup after another (prior to her re-hookup with Steve), she hasn't the faintest clue who might have given her the STD. She complains about how judgey the doctor was about her slutty lifestyle when she advised her to inform all the men she's slept with lately, so they can all get tested. Well d'yuh, Miranda. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to doink a legion of men...but since you went ahead and did, they all do need to get tested now.
Carrie returns to her apartment to hammer out this week's instalment of her shittastic column. While voice-overing, she challenges viewers to ponder her scuzzy lifestyle choices: if you're a thirty-something skank living in Manhattan who enjoys whoring around with every available man in your orbit, how many notches on your bedpost is too many? As she chews on the gravity of the issue that she and her friends are wrestling with in this episode, she taps out on her computer: Are we simply romantically challenged? Or are we sluts?" Dunno and yes.
Charlotte is out to dinner with her investment banker beau, and he remarks on how quiet she is this evening. She tells him her mind is somewhere else, then has a flashback of him calling her a fucking bitch! a fucking whore! She decides to speak up and tells him she's bothered by what he said to her the other night...and he's all, "Wuh?" and wracks his brain to figure out what she's referring to. When it's clear he has no memory of blurting out insulting expletives at her while blowing his wad, Charlotte drops the issue and breezily says, "Never mind! It's not important!"
Later...the two hit the sheets, and once again he blurts out, "You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!" - but this time Charlotte doesn't let it go and snaps, "That! That's what you said!" Once again he looks puzzled, so she repeats it back to him and he's like, "OMG! Are you sure?" and says it's a terrible thing to have said. He explains that he gets so lost in the ecstasy of the moment that he has no idea what is coming out of his mouth, and assures her that he thinks she's sweet, smart, lovely and kind...in fact, the kind of woman he hopes to marry one day. Squeal! He then promises her, from this point forward, to do his best to avoid blurting insulting expletives whenever he climaxes inside of her.
Steve wants to get it on with Miranda, but she shoves him away and goes, "Can we not?" and informs him that she has chlamydia. He says he has no idea what that is - but it sounds like a major problem. She explains [to her very kind, but somewhat dimwitted boyfriend] that it's an STD, and that he should probably get himself tested.
In the next scene, a humorless Asian doctor orders Steve to drop his pants so he can get a sample from inside his penis...and Steve stares back at him in horror.
Miranda is sitting at her coffee table, writing up an All the Men I Recently Fucked list and - holy crap! - the list is so long she's had to split the page into two columns. I can't even fathom how many columns Samantha's list would need to have.
Samantha steps onto the elevator of her building with one of the tenants. She shoots Samantha the stink-eye and snarls, "We know it was you who buzzed in the gunman" and Samantha feigns surprise and goes, "Excuse me..?" so the woman retorts that every time she's in the elevator she's dry humping a different man. Samantha weakly chuckles and says, "That's ridiculous.." but then has a shameful series of flashbacks of the various men she's invited to paw her scantily clad body while in full view of whichever tenant(s) had the misfortune of being trapped in the elevator at the time.
Miranda gets callbacks from the men on her All the Men I Recently Fucked list. She hears back from the perpetually angry lawyer she dated in the Fuck Buddy episode, and he admits that, yep, he had chlamydia, but didn't feel the need to tell her 'cause he figured it was none of her business. An astonished Miranda says he should have warned her to get tested, then angrily tells him she just remembered why she never wanted to call him again and slams the phone down.
Carrie answers the door for Aidan, and for some reason she's decked out in a shapeless sack-dress that looks like it's been spray painted with doodles. Aidan holds up a bag of Chinese takeout and a six-pack of beer and suggests they eat in, watch a movie, and get cozy.
Carrie calls Charlotte to glumly report that the verdict is in: she and Aidan are friends who kiss occasionally. Plus, he's been in the bathroom for half an hour, and she can't help but shudder at the icky possibilities of what that could mean. When Aidan summons her over, she quietly ends the call and heads to the bathroom. She's surprised to see that he ran a bubblebath for her and placed lit candles everywhere. She jokes, "It looks like a Danielle Steel novel in here" and he says he ran her a bath so she could relax from the stress of writing a raunchy sex column two days a week and somehow being able to make a living off of that. He emphasizes, "This is about you" and tells her he'll be heading home now...but assures her that they're more than friends 'cause he'll be [searing his brain cells] thinking about her naked. As he makes his way to the door, Carrie sits in the tub and invitingly says, "Big tub, little person" so Aidan throws all sense and good taste to the wind and replies, "You've talked me into it."
Carrie and Aidan sit in the tub together and giggle. She asks, "What now?" so he goes, "Ah fuck it - let's just do it" but then Carrie gets all demure and reminds him that this is strictly a bath, and pretends she suddenly cares about getting to know someone before mindlessly leaping into the sack.
Samantha enters the lobby of her building and sees that a number of the older tenants are clustered around the woman who was injured by the gunman. She hears them muttering shit about her, so she turns around and says, "If you want to say something, say it to my face" ... and none of them has any problem doing exactly that, which is awesome:
Samantha flees for the elevator...and when she reaches the safety of her apartment, she calls Carrie to complain that the jealous, dried up old farts in her building are targeting her 'cause she reminds them of what they can't have . I'm sure that's it. She then declares that it might be time to move elsewhere. Carrie once again changes the subject to herself and announces that she has another date with Aidan tonight, and that she got a preview of his awesome schlong.
Charlotte's in bed with the potty-mouthed investment banker...and he’s doing his best to not yell out any expletives in the heat of passion. When it looks like he's going to have a stroke by holding it in, Charlotte wearily gives him the go-ahead, so he blurts out, "You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!" as he releases. He then looks tortured and wails, "What's wrong with meeee?!" and soon after decides to start seeing a therapist and stop seeing Charlotte.
Steve tells Miranda he tested negative for chlamydia, and Miranda complains that she feels like a dirty, diseased whore. Well d'yuh. She tells him she had to write out a list of all the guys she slept with, then sheepishly confesses, "It's not short." He asks her the number, so she hangs her head in shame and says, "Forty-two." Steve says that's not so bad, then tells her he's well past sixty. When she stares at him in surprise, he adds, "I'm a cute bartender" and the two giggle about their promiscuousness and smooch.
Carrie and Aidan arrive at her apartment after their date. He asks if can stay the night, then smilingly says he arranged for someone to walk and feed Pete. Carrie looks delighted, then voice-overs that for the first time in awhile, she was nervous about sex, 'cause this time it was going to mean something. Welcome to adulthood, Carrie.
Carrie and Aidan wake up in bed together the next morning, and she gabbles in a voice-over about how much she loooooves that this new relationship is a clean slate. Don't get too used to it; you're going to fuck it all up soon enough.
Samantha moves into her new apartment, located in the hot and trendy meatpacking district. She sexily sashays past a row of scantily clad transgender floozies who are standing in front of her building, and looks delighted that she finally resides in a place where no one could give even the tiniest rat's ass about how gigantic a whore she is.