Recap: Kelly meets up with Matt at the Peach Pit, and the two discuss how he just spent the last week or so getting Lauren situated in the institution. Matt then wanks Kelly about how great she was with Lauren and that she acted like a true friend when she risked arrest by smuggling clozapine into the U.S. Kelly blushingly says that any friend would have done that, and Matt blushingly gushes that she's modest, funny, and that he thinks about her all the time [now that his sick wife is safely tucked away in a mental hospital]. He tells Kelly he simply can't get his brain around what an amaaaaaazing person she is, and Kelly insists she's no saint. Of course she's not. That title belongs to St. Donna Martin, the most sweetly doe-eyed angelic lass whose delicate feet ever walked on God's green earth.
At another table, Gina faces off with Felice over the "criminal mismanagement" of her trust fund - a term she says her lawyer has used in reference to her case. Felice looks put out by the accusation, so Gina snappishly reminds her that she was the trustee, so there really isn't anyone else to blame...except perhaps her sloppy turd of a mother who was ultimately responsible for the looting of her trust fund. Felice weakly explains that Bobbi asked for the money to be withdrawn for various expenses, and Gina points out that stuff like a bathroom remodel and new appliances aren't legitimate expenses and should never have been approved. Felice haughtily replies that she had no idea what the money was being appropriated for, and Gina's like, "Exactly! You didn't care enough to ask", which is kind of a fair point. Gina becomes so exasperated by the fruitless conversation that she exits the diner and squeals off in her car...and Donna goes rushing after her, but isn't able to catch her. Noah appears out of nowhere, and Donna whimpers to him about her family problems and how much she hates being caught in the middle. He caresses her ginormous face and gives her a comforting smooch...and while he's doing that, David pulls up in his jeep and shoots them both the stink-eye. Donna sighs and tells Noah she should prolly go see whassup with David - but when she pops into the DJ booth, David snarls at her for canoodling with Noah in the parking lot, barks, "Live with your choice!" and tells her to go pee up a rope.
Dylan is out jet skiing when another jet skier (who's guzzling beer) suddenly appears, cuts him off, and causes him to wipe out. When Dylan comes up for air, he grumbles, "What's your problem?" and the guy laughingly retorts, "No problem" then challenges Dylan to a race to the pier. We get several minutes of superfluous footage of the two racing alongside each other on their jet skis - and the guy cuts Dylan off again, causing him to fly in the air and land face down into the water. When the camera pans in close, we see that Dylan is floating about lifelessly, perilously close to drowning. Oh no!
After the commercial break, the mysterious jet skier has pulled Dylan to shore and is administering mouth-to-mouth...and as soon as Dylan regains consciousness, he sprints away, accidentally leaving behind one clue: a hospital bracelet.
Now Wear This. Kelly asks Donna if she and Noah are back together, and Donna reminds her that they were never officially broken up...and she's now going to have to figure out what the heck to do about David. Gina enters the store and announces to Donna that she's not going to sue Felice for 60K...and when Donna's all, "Phew! What a relief!", Gina says she's suing her for $1.1 million 'cause of all her pain and suffering. LOL. Donna is aghast and reminds her that she'd be suing family, and Gina snarls that her "family" did fuck all to look out for her best interests. After Donna storms off, Kelly tells Gina she's being very insensitive, and Gina laughs bitterly about how rich that is, coming from someone who's "not even letting Lauren's side of the bed get cold". She then tells Kelly she was worried when she and Dylan went off to Mexico together, but is somewhat relieved to see that she's clearly still pursuing Matt. Kelly keeps mum about her horizontal Mexican mambo with Dylan and refrains from setting her straight about that flawed assumption.
Courthouse. Matt is defending his latest client: a student named Linda who was approached by drug dealers while studying in the Beverly Hills Public Library and somehow got charged with a drug offence. Matt tries to reason with the Deputy DA, a guy named Jay, about how Linda is obviously being railroaded because she's African-American. Jay shuts him down and says if she pleads guilty, she probably won't get any jail time...and when Matt relays this advice to Linda and her mom, the two adamantly refuse to enter a guilty plea.
Casa David. Dylan greets Gina with a big smooch and tells her that a stranger saved his life today after he wiped out on his jet ski. He babbles about wanting to find the guy so he can issue him a proper thank you...and it remains unclear why he's not at least a little ticked off at the guy for causing the accident in the first place.
The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet he paid a hooker for the little black book she lifted from her madam...and as he glances through it, he marvels about how it's a veritable Who's Who of Hollywood Movie Stars. Janet reminds him that publishing anything from the book could result in a bunch of movie stars filing lawsuits, which could bankrupt the Beat. What a damn shame that would be.
Dylan is trying to track down Patrick Farrell - the name written on the hospital bracelet - but when he phones the hospital, he learns that a person by that name died last December. Kelly drops by and moans about how guilty she feels about Lauren leaving, and for cheating on Matt in Mexico. Dylan, on the other hand, isn't bothered in the least by the fact that he cheated on Gina, then reminds Kelly that they have a history of cheating on people, e.g. Brenda and Brandon. He smugly says he's pretty sure she'll want to be with again someday...and Kelly stares into space contemplatively as she mulls over that disturbing prospect.
After Dark. Donna drops by the DJ booth and tells David she doesn't want their recent flirtiness to ruin their friendship, and he agrees. When he whines about how lonely he is, she advises him to bare his lonely soul to his female listeners and see if anything useful comes of that. David perks up at the inane idea, then goes on the air and lays out a challenge for all the single ladies: prove to him that there's a woman out there for him. And by prove, he invites them to call, write, or send photos. Some of the women partying at the After Dark edge toward the DJ booth, looking intrigued by David's desperate plea, then giggle coquettishly in his direction and nod approvingly. LOL.
Hospital. Dylan meets with the doctor who treated Patrick Farrell, and she tells him that Patrick was a seven year old boy - but that he had an older brother named Tim who sat vigil by his bed. The two then look over at a bunch of sad looking child patients hanging out in a run-down playground, and the doctor grumbles about the lack of funds to provide them with a decent place to play...and I foresee a brand spanking new playground getting built before the end of the episode.
Matt drops by the boutique to ask Kelly if their conversation yesterday was as awkward for her as he assumed it was, and she assures him that they have lots of time to develop a relationship, and that he shouldn't feel pressured to rush into anything. He offers to take her and Dylan out to dinner tomorrow night to say thank you for the last episode's mission of mercy, and won't take Kelly's "Nah, not interested" reply for an answer. Steve and Janet stop by to ask Matt to weigh in on the little black book Steve just acquired from the hooker, and he tells them they can't be sued for libel if what they write is true, but that it's very important to independently corroborate everything they publish. He then browses through the book, looks mildly intrigued by something he comes across, then says he's going to need to borrow the book to do some additional research.
Beach house. Much to Donna's dismay, Gina continues to insist on suing Felice. Donna tells her that what she's doing is wrong, and that her mom did the best she could as trustee. Gina argues that she used to have a secure future, but that it's been shot to shit because of Felice's negligence. Donna proposes that they go out to dinner with their moms to again try to work this out...but Gina just grumbles at her for her unwillingness to stand up for her.
Matt tells Jay that a certain Deputy DA is listed inside the little black book of a Hollywood madam, and makes it clear that he's shamelessly using that information as leverage to get him to drop the charges against Linda. Jay admonishes him for attempting to blackmail a Deputy DA, then storms off.
After Dark. David is going through the giant stack of mail he's gotten from his most doting female listeners. A Venezuelan woman calls his radio show and orders him to stop sifting through all the photos and letters, 'cause she's throwing her hat in the ring...and David looks intrigued by the sassy caller and asks her to stay on the line so they can continue their conversation in private. Unfortunately, when he puts her on hold, he accidentally hangs up on her. Or she purposely hangs up on him. Not sure which.
Restaurant. Felice, Donna, Bobbi, and Gina once again discuss the lawsuit. Felice makes it known that she can afford pricey representation, then tells Gina that her lawyer has told her the case doesn't stand a chance in court. Bobbi starts rummaging through her purse for her pack of cigarettes, and everyone simultaneously tells her she's not allowed to smoke inside the restaurant. She rolls her eyes, then grabs her purse and lumbers toward the exit. Felice stares after her sister with undisguised disdain and remarks on the lack of self control she's demonstrated her entire life.
Dylan tracks Tim down at his residence, but Tim isn't very receptive to the unexpected pop-in. Dylan expresses his condolences for the loss of his brother, and an anguished Tim says that the accident that killed Patrick was his fault: the poor lad was killed by an airbag while sitting on Tim's lap when they were struck by another car. Tim reveals to Dylan that he had planned to kill himself the day he was jet skiing...and Dylan points out that if he had really wanted to die, he would have gotten back into the water. Tim wryly retorts, "The night is still young."
Steve and Janet are tailing a celebrity who's listed in the little black book and keeps a hotel suite booked in his name. They watch from across the street as he kisses his kids goodbye, then gets into his car and drives off. Steve suddenly decides it's more than likely that the guy stays in a hotel 'cause he and his wife are separated and haven't yet told the kids. This scenario hits home for Steve, and he stares sadly into space as he recalls the divorce announcement of his parents.
After Dark. David gabbles to Noah about the sassy Venezuelan gal he talked to on the phone...and while he's doing that, the blonde young woman who's part of the After Dark clean-up crew (and is currently mopping the floor) makes an extra special effort to eavesdrop on what he's saying. Gee, I wonder what that could possibly mean.
Restaurant. Matt profusely thanks Dylan and Kelly for everything they did to get Lauren's meds, even though it was all for nothing 'cause she didn't end up taking them. With that settled, Dylan starts babbling about Tim Farrell, a guy who saved his life but wants to end his own.
The Peach Pit. Donna asks Felice why they never visited her side of the family, and Felice tells her that she and boorish Bobbi have nothing in common and snidely refers to Gina as "a taker". Donna says she knows how devious and cunty Gina can be...but points out that she (she meaning Felice) did kind of screw the pooch by allowing such a large amount of her trust to be withdrawn for frivolous purposes. She chides her for neglecting her responsibility as trustee and advises her to just give Gina the 60K and wrap up this increasingly tedious storyline.
Casa David. Gina drops by to hang with Dylan, and he starts rambling about numb he's been feeling inside lately, and that he couldn't give a rat's ass about anything or anyone. [Well...except for Kelly, and his late wife of five minutes.] Gina gives him a sad nod and bitterly states, "Present company excluded, right?" and Dylan says they both know this is nothing more than a meaningless hook-up...and not something he's particularly proud of. Gina says she's not particularly proud of herself for knowing all this and continuing to stick around, then gets up and stalks out.
Jay tells Matt he's dropping the charges against Linda 'cause if it gets around that he doinks prostitutes, it could be detrimental to his law career. He chides Matt for holding this over him, which is both illegal and unethical. Kelly lurks by the door of Matt's office and overhears that last part...and Matt explains to her that he did something kinda shady in order to save his client - but fortunately, Kelly is far less judgey of his career-related decisions these days and doesn't seem remotely upset. A few minutes later, Lauren's best friend from New York (Anna) appears to hand deliver a manilla envelop...and when Matt opens it, he's stunned to learn that Lauren has filed for divorce.
The Beverly Beat. Steve has decided to shred the contents of the little black book. He tells Janet that when his parents announced their divorce, he later realized that his dad had been living apart from his mom for a very long time...they just put off telling him. He sadly says that the little black book has unwittingly opened up old wounds.
Beach house. Felice admits to Gina, Bobbi, and Donna that she made a mistake allowing Bobbi to loot Gina's trust fund...and that she and Papa Martin have agreed to pony up 60K in exchange for Gina dropping the lawsuit. Bobbi advises her daughter to hold out for more money, but Donna interjects and implores Gina to accept the offer, and that convincing Felice to pay up was her way of sticking up for her. Felice apologizes to Gina for not being available when she most needed her, and Bobbi blurts out how sorry she is for openly calling her terrible names in front of Gina, such as stuck up bitch. Felice is all, "Wha-a?" as the other three chuckle at the hilarity of describing one's own sister with an expletive.
Hospital. Dylan has purchased playground equipment for the hospital grounds, and the doctor he spoke to earlier in the episode thanks him for his generosity. Tim Farrell arrives at the hospital after being summoned there by Dylan...and Dylan shows him the equipment and decrees that they will spend the day putting it together so that the sick kids have a decent place to play on hospital grounds. Tim looks perked up by the task at hand, and rolls up his sleeves and gets to work. Suicidal tendencies averted.
Linda gives Matt a happy hug and thanks him for getting the bogus charges against her dropped. Matt later tells Kelly he feels bad about blackmailing the Deputy DA, but Kelly waves a hand dismissively and says he deserves the best in life, and that Lauren wanted him to have the kind of life he couldn't have if he were burdened with her pesky schizophrenia.
Gina and Bobbi are out at a swanky restaurant to celebrate Gina's windfall. Gina hands her mom a first class plane ticket, and then a second envelop with her cut of what they "scammed from Felice". As the two cackle at their collective resourcefulness, I remain confused about what "scam" actually occurred here. Wasn't Felice merely replacing the money that Bobbi looted from her own daughter? And why is Gina cackling with the thief as if she's a co-conspirator, and then giving her a cut of the dough??
After Dark. David goes on the air to publicly thank all of the women who answered his desperate plea for a girlfriend...but then grumbles about how he's just decided to throw in the towel on finding love and will leave it all up to fate. Suddenly, a pretty blonde girl stands in front of the DJ booth and stares at him...and David quickly exits the booth to see whassup with this attractive stranger. When she speaks in her Venezuelan accented voice, he correctly assumes it's the girl he spoke to earlier. She introduces herself as Claudia, the nondescript janitor who mops up the After Dark after hours.
Kelly runs into Matt outside the club, just as she's about to leave. He tells her he decided at the last minute he was ready to go out clubbing with her, then gabbles about how Lauren was a big part of his life - but suddenly that chapter of his life is over and he has a new main squeeze. Kelly looks thrilled that they're officially a couple, and the two embrace as the scene fades to black.
Recap: At the counter of a pharmacy, Matt makes a lame attempt to get Lauren's prescription of clozapine refilled. Lauren whispers to Matt that the pharmacist is going to see the no refills message on the bottle - and sure enough he comes back to the counter and points this out. Matt tells him he had called earlier to explain that Lauren's doctor is out of town, so the pharmacist offers to call his service - and Matt loses his composure and barks, "No! We need the pills now!" The pharmacist says there's nothing he can do, so then Matt swipes a full bottle of clozapine that, for some reason, was sitting on the counter...but a few seconds later, he and Lauren are stopped by a security guard before they can exit the store. Smooth, Matt.
After Dark. David tells Donna that the two of them being together feels right to him, but Donna's like, "Me not so much" and says she regrets all the shady stuff they've being doing lately to get closer to each other...and that the only reason it's been happening is 'cause they're both going through a rough patch. When he asks her out again, she grudgingly admits that part of her really wants to get back together with him. She then glances out the booth window and notices Noah glaring over at them, so she slips out of the booth and tries to make a break for it. Noah blocks her escape and offers to buy her a drink, but she declines and tells him she's not yet ready to talk about their rollercoaster of a stupid relationship. He asks her if their breakup is because of someone else, then snarks about how cozy she and David looked in the booth just now...so then she snarks back that he and Gina looked cozy in the photo booth photos. Noah insists for the hundredth fuuuuuuucking time that nothing happened with Gina - but Donna sanctimoniously argues that what happened is he lost her trust. She then flounces off, leaving Noah to stare after her dejectedly and then glare over at the DJ booth to shoot David the stink-eye.
Matt tells Kelly about his lame attempt to steal clozapine from the pharmacy, and she tells him she knew of patients at the Wyatt Clinic who would get their contraband drugs from Mexico and smuggle them into the United States. Matt mulls over this idea, but quickly realizes he can't take Lauren to Mexico with him, and nor can he leave her alone at Casa Walsh 'cause her schizophrenia is starting to creep back in. He thanks Kelly for the drug/Mexico information...and she stares contemplatively into space for a few seconds and murmurs, "Maybe there's something I can do."
Beach house. Gina gabbles at Donna about her dream to open her own gym, and that she's going to use the figure skating dough that's collected in her trust fund as collateral. She snidely remarks, "It's not much by Beverly Hills standards, but I did OK for trash" and Donna immediately looks red-faced and apologizes for calling her trash at the end of the previous episode and explains that she was just angry about the Noah thing. Gina insists that nothing happened between her and Noah - but, of course, neglects to confess her relentless manipulation of Noah into thinking he doinked her during his drunken haze. Gina's white trash mom, Bobbi, drops by for a visit and gushes about how awesome the beach house is. Gina asks her if she brought the information about her trust, and Bobbi's like, "Oops, I forgot" and an annoyed Gina reminds her how important this is to her. When Donna learns the name of the bank where the trust is being held, she tells Gina that her dad does some of his banking there, and that she'd be happy to take her there later and hold her hand while she explores her loan options.
Janet has brought Steve along to have lunch with her parents. Papa Sosna scrunches his face with disdain when he learns how sleazy a tabloid the Beat is...and Steve doesn't help matters when he describes their process of targeting a celebrity, which includes sifting through their trash and publishing whatever sensationalized tidbits they happen to find. Janet lets out a weak laugh and tells her father that Steve is just kidding, then shoots Steve a death glare in the faint hope that he'll get a clue and shut his pie hole. An oblivious Steve gushes about what a great reporter Janet is, and is about to gabble about them being boyfriend and girlfriend when Janet cuts him off and tells her father that Steve is a great boss and nothing more. LOL. Papa Sosna says he doesn't care for the type of content that gets published in the Beat and insists that people deserve their privacy - but Mama Sosna disagrees and says some people hide way too much. Interesting. I wonder whaddup with the disharmony there.
The Peach Pit. Gina reminds Donna about taking her to the bank to see about her trust, but Donna's barely listening 'cause she's staring over at David, who's chatting with a pretty brunette. Donna soon learns that the woman's name is Deborah Fowler and that she's a sex therapist who's considering doing a radio show with David. After she exits the diner, Donna tells David she's changed her mind about them going out and would like to after all. After she scampers off to the boutique, David blabs to Gina about how he and Donna went out on Valentine's Day and ended up having a sexy smoochfest...and I'm pretty sure he's telling this to the biggest blabbermouth in Beverly Hills so that the news will quickly reach Noah.
The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Steve she probably should have gone to lunch with her parents alone. Well duh. Steve asks her if she's ashamed of him, and she explains that her father is very "traditional" and doesn't approve of her dating non-Japanese boneheads.
Bank. The banker informs Gina that her trust has 14K in it, and Gina's all, "Wha-a?!" and says there's supposed to be around 75K in the account. The banker snippily retorts, "That's all there is" which seemed pretty bitchy and unhelpful for a bank employee.
Casa David. Kelly implores Dylan to go to Mexico on her "mission of mercy" to clandestinely obtain clozapine pills for Lauren. She says they'd make a good team 'cause she has the contacts to score the meds, while he has the money to pay for them. Dylan easily agrees to the favor and says that hopefully they can also indulge in some sack time, I mean have a fun time while they're south of the border. A few seconds later, Gina unexpectedly drops by to invite Dylan to dinner...but when she sees that Kelly's over and learns that the two have plans to go to Mexico to buy drugs for Lauren, she snarls at Dylan that she just lost her appetite and storms off.
The Walsh house. It's the middle of the night, and Lauren is blaring music on the stereo in the living room - which sends Matt, Noah, and Steve rushing downstairs to see whassup. Lauren cries that she couldn't find her headphones to drown out the voices...and Steve scrunches his face in confusion and is all, "Huh? Voices?" An equally confused Noah hands a pair of headphones to Matt, who puts them on Lauren's head and coos at her that everything's going to be OK. He then explains to his bewildered roommates that Lauren is schizophrenic - and that she sometimes hears voices, which eventually become nefarious commands.
Mexico. Kelly is having trouble get a hold of her drug contact, and abruptly changes her mind about the mission of mercy she instigated less than a day ago and tells Dylan it's probably not such a great idea. That seems oddly fickle of her, considering Lauren's dire state. Dylan just shrugs and says it's always a good idea to spend the day in Mexico...then somehow the conversation shifts to Toni. Dylan gets a faraway look on his face and says he'd love the chance to see her again and say all the things he never got a chance to say, like, "What the hell were we thinking, getting married after knowing each other for less than two months??"
Beach house. Bobbi tells Gina she dipped into her trust fund 'cause she had to pay for coaches and other skating related expenses - but Gina waves her bank statements in the air and points out that some of the cash was spent on remodelling the master bathroom, and buying a new car and various home appliances. Bobbi whines about giving up her life for her, and Gina accuses her of robbing her of her childhood and - literally - robbing her as an adult. She narrows her eyes and vows to get her money back somehow.
Janet and Steve are stealing bags of a celebrity's trash and talking about her strict father. Steve calls him a bigot, but Janet says he's not so much a bigot as someone who feels strongly about preserving his Japanese heritage. She then informs him that he's arranged for her to meet a Japanese man he has vetted and approves of, and that they're all having dinner tonight.
Noah drops by the mall with flowers, but Donna refuses to accept them and flounces into the boutique. As soon as she's out of earshot, Gina blabs to Noah that Donna was dating David before the two of them were officially broken up...and that this dating included smooching. An angry Noah storms into the boutique and tells Donna they need to forgive each other, but she reminds him of what a sweetly doe-eyed lass she is and could never have anything to apologize for ever...and that whatever she's been doing with David doesn't excuse what he did. Noah says they broke each other's trust, snaps, "Hypocrite!" and stomps off. Break up already, you idiots.
Steve shows up unannounced at the Sosna residence to size up his competition. Janet's all, "What are you doing here?", then points out Bob, who's Japanese, high on the hotness scale, and loaded financially. She then assures Steve she's just humoring her father by hanging with Bob for the evening...but then tells him he should go, and he stares back at her with a hurt expression.
Mexico. Dylan drops by Kelly's hotel room with a bag of toiletries. She tells Dylan she really doesn't think she can go through with smuggling drugs into the U.S. Dylan urges her to sleep on it, then says he'll be across the hall if she needs anything. He slouches over to the door, but then turns around and leans in for a smooch...and Kelly remarks on how different things feel on this trip than they did the last time they came to Mexico together. The two then decide 'ah what the hell' and throw all caution to the wind and start kissing, then collapse atop her bed and earnestly get it on.
Noah barrels into Casa David and bellows, "I can't believe you!" at David, then admonishes him for pretending to be his friend while going after Donna. David weakly denies doing any such thing, but then quickly clams up. Noah snaps, "I thought we were friends!" then storms out as quickly as he burst in. Weird.
Mexico. The next morning, Kelly pokes Dylan awake and tells him she really really wants to go home now, and says that coming to Mexico was wrong. She whines about how shitty she feels for cheating on Matt, but Dylan points out that Matt's a married man - plus he thought that last night's doink was fantastic. Kelly concedes that it was, but asks, "What about Gina?" so Dylan jokingly promises to repent once the two of them have indulged in a morning romp. Kelly declines and insists on leaving now, and tells him she'll meet him downstairs in the lobby.
The Beverly Beat. Steve is wearing a pair of rubber gloves as he sifts through the celebrity's trash. He and Janet bicker again about her father's dislike for him...with no hint of self-reflection while he's sifting through trash bags. A few seconds later, Papa Sosna drops by the newsroom, glances in Steve's direction with disdain, and tells Janet he really really liked the cut of Bob's jib. Janet agrees that Bob is great, but that she's not looking for a boyfriend 'cause she already has one. She then motions over at Steve, and her father stares back at her in horror.
U.S./Mexico border. Kelly tells the border agent she has nothing to declare...and when she gets rattled by his many questions, Dylan starts nattering at the agent about how the two of them just doinked after many years of being apart, and were pleased to discover that they still really dig each other. The border agent rolls his eyes with distaste at the TMI and urges Kelly to move her car along. Kelly glares at Dylan and asks him what that was all about, so he tells her he started chatting nonsense 'cause he feared the agent was about to search their car and didn't want him to find any drugs. He then smiles devilishly as he pulls a bottle of clozapine out of his pocket. Apparently, he took the initiative and arranged a "meet and greet" with one of his drug connections, but didn't tell her 'cause he knew she wouldn't approve.
Restaurant. David and Donna are out for dinner. She tells him about Gina's money woes and that she's planning on suing the trustee who was responsible for the trust. She then starts moaning about how bad she feels about hurting Noah and totally gets why he's upset with her...blah blah, I don't care.
The Walsh house. Kelly and Dylan drop by to deliver the bottle of clozapine pills. Lauren clutches the bottle gratefully and says they'll give her more time to enjoy with Matt. As her organs slowly shut down.
The next morning, Steve tells Janet he's proud of her for standing up to her father yesterday, and she glumly says she's going to have to go home for a change of clothes and knows her father is going to be waiting so he can admonish her for her objectionable taste in men. Steve starts nattering nonsensically and natters the words, "I love you" and Janet perks up and is all, "You do?!" and Steve's like, "Well d'yuh" and assures her that somehow everything is going to work out A-OK. Run, Janet! You can do better!
Beach house. Kelly apologizes to Gina for asking Dylan to accompany her to Mexico, but that it's all good 'cause they fulfilled their mission of mercy and got Lauren her meds. Gina snappishly accuses her of wanting to "kill the competition" - just as Dylan slouches onto the patio. Gina stomps past him and says she has to get to work...and once she's out of earshot, Dylan tells Kelly he has absolutely no intention of telling his bitchy quasi-girlfriend about them hitting the sheets in Mexico. Kelly says she has no intention of telling Matt either.
The Walsh house. Lauren enthusiastically greets Matt when he returns home from work and tells him it's nice to have things to look forward to, 'cause they make life worth living. She then tosses her bottle of clozapine into the nearest trash can...and Matt's all, "Wha-a?" and asks her if this is really what she wants. She tells him she's not sure, but that since her sad story arc is about done here, it's what she's going to do. Matt promises to support her decision and says he'll happily move back to New York so they can face her schizophrenia together. Lauren perks up and goes, "Really..?" and when he says yes, she gives him a happy hug.
The Peach Pit. David runs into Donna and tells her that their dinner date last night was nice...and she agrees, but says she still has stuff she wants to work out with Noah. Across the diner, Janet tells Steve that her dad asked her to move out 'cause he can't support her decision to hook up with a bonehead like Steve. Plus, he's not Japanese.
Donna runs into Noah in the Peach Pit parking lot and admits that, yeah, she's a total hypocrite. She confesses that she and David kissed at the station manager's party after being egged on by a photographer...and when Noah asks her if it was a meaningless kiss, she says no - but that she has no idea what this means for their tedious on again/off again relationship. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
Kelly rushes over to Casa Walsh after being summoned by Lauren. Lauren thanks her for going through the trouble of smuggling clozapine into the country, but has decided not to take any of the pills. She knows it means she'll get sick again, but is optimistic for a cure for her disease and would prefer to stick around in case it happens. She asks Kelly to take care of Matt and make him happy, then adds how obvious it is that he loves her. Kelly half-heartedly tries to get her to change her mind about giving up on her marriage, but Lauren insists that she do this "favor" for her - just as Matt arrives home and asks whassup. Lauren tells him she's decided to return to New York alone, and is giving him her blessing to move on with his life. Matt weakly offers to move with her to New York and continue in their marriage, but she firmly declines and orders him to promise that he'll pursue a happy life with Kelly. A promise he breaks, since eventually he and Kelly break up anyway.
Beach house. Donna arrives home, where Gina is in the kitchen making herself a sandwich. She tells Donna that her mom is in her bedroom and wishes to make an announcement regarding the name of the trustee who's responsible for the looting of her trust fund. She asks Donna to stand next to her when the name is blurted out for maximum dramatic effect, and Donna's like, "Sure thing", so the two head over to Gina's bedroom, where Bobbi has just finished up a phone conversation. Gina's like, "OK, mom. We're ready", but Bobbie seems reluctant to name this person. Donna urges her to speak out and not protect this scoundrel, so Bobbi tells her that the guilty party is ... Felice! Donna scrunches her big face in confusion and is all, "Wha-a-a-a??!" and then she and Gina stare at each other in complete befuddlement.
Recap: Gina needles Noah about how "impressed" she is that he feels no guilt about what happened between them on the night of the photo booth photos. Or didn't happen. She won't say for sure if they bumped uglies, and somehow Noah refrains from smacking her smug mug for keeping this maddening did we?/didn't we? subplot going for so long. Over in the kitchen, David tells Donna he's glad that she and Noah worked things out, and Donna says she's choosing to believe that the photos of Noah and Gina kissing don't mean anything. Lauren and Matt come downstairs and start regaling everyone with the story of their wedding - snorefest - and while that's happening, Kelly comes over to drop off a sleeping bag for Steve, who needs it for an upcoming camping trip. She looks sad and left out when she sees everyone gathered around, happily chatting. Lauren invites her to come in, have some food and stay awhile, but Kelly mumbles that she has to go, and then flees - which naturally prompts Dylan to run after her. He acknowledges that this is an uncomfortable situation for everyone, and she's like, "No duh" and nonsensically accuses him of not being on her side.
The Beverly Beat. Steve and Janet are partnering with the Super Brothers and Super Sisters charity to mentor two teenagers during a weekend camping trip. Janet reminds Steve that camping means they're going to have to rough it in the woods...and a few seconds later, the two teenagers - a stoner dude named Stewart and a Goth chick named Marianne - arrive at the newsroom. They appear to dislike each other intensely.
Casa David. Gina overhears Dylan reserve the Presidential Suite at the Bel Age Hotel, and smiles when she assumes that he's planning a romantic night for the two of them...but then gets pissy when she hears him put the reservation in Matt's/Lauren's name. Dylan explains that he owes Matt for defending him in court, and wanted to do something nice for him, like give him and his wife the honeymoon they were never able to have. Gina snarls that if he were booking a room for the two of them, he'd probably just rent it by the hour...and Dylan looks bewildered by her constant fucking bitchitude about everything all the time, and refrains from bringing up her sex-crazed behavior during the 'topless in a public parking lot incident' that occurred in the previous episode. She glares at him hatefully as she storms out of the apartment.
After Dark. Noah thanks David for convincing Donna to forgive him for the photo booth photos...and explains again that he was so drunk he doesn't remember what happened that night, but is pretty sure he might have possibly doinked Gina. David cuts him off and says he doesn't want to get involved in their tedious drama, but promises not to tell Donna what he just told him and will let him worry about confessing his sins.
Campsite. Marianne is slicing her arm and licking her blood - gross - when Janet suddenly spots a black bear ambling towards them. Everyone quickly retreats to the car as the bear waddles behind them, delighted to find the big bag of food that Steve left on the hood of the car for "safe keeping". Well done, bonehead.
After Dark. David and Kelly are in the DJ booth, taking calls from listeners who have love-related questions...and Kelly's answers are tinged with the bitterness she's currently feeling over the Matt and Lauren Situation. It remains unclear why this would be considered entertainment for the After Dark club goers who I'm sure would rather they just played some music. Donna discusses the Matt and Lauren Situation with Noah, and remarks how hard it would be for her to be very forgiving about lying and cheating. Noah files that tidbit away, decides against confessing, and asks her if she'd be interested in moving in with him. She cries, "Yes!" and gives him a big smooch.
The Walsh house. Matt is playing Hawaiian music as he packs his bags for his and Lauren's romantic getaway to the Bel Age Hotel, courtesy of Dylan. Lauren sadly shuffles into the room and tells him she was just at the doctor's. Apparently, her white blood cell count is way down, and the doctor has ordered her to stop taking her medication, which means that her schizophrenia will quickly re-surface. She starts crying as Matt stares quizzically into space.
Campsite. Janet and Steve wake up in the car and are alarmed when Stewart and Marianne are nowhere to be found. They search the campsite and breathe a sigh of relief when they find the two sitting in some tall grass, making out.
Kelly and Dylan are ambling around town, gabbling about the emptiness that is their lives when they come upon a '59 Thunderbird with a for sale sign on it. Dylan gives the car an appreciative once-over and says he has an uncle who owned a car exactly like this. He mumbles about how he needs something to get him up in the mornings...other than his regular grinding sessions with Gina, which seem to be getting old fast.
David drops by the beach house looking for Kelly, and Donna says she's out. She tells him she's still waiting for his invitation to join him on his radio show, then reminds him how great they were together when they DJed at West Beverly High. He asks her how she's doing after her talk with Noah, and she chirps, "Great!" and talks in riddles for a few seconds until it becomes clear that she's referring to her and Noah moving in together. David quickly deduces that Noah hasn't yet confessed his "cheating", and congratulates her on their relationship's milestone.
Steve takes Stewart aside and tells him he'll meet lots of great women in his life, and that they'll probably all drive him crazy. Janet, meanwhile, warns Marianne to beware of hooking up with the wrong guys 'cause they'll bring her nothing but heartache. Steve tells Stewart he's in love with someone who thinks he's a moron, and Janet moans to Marianne about how in love with a moron she is.
Casa David. Dylan finds a red note from Kelly that has been placed under the front door and is attached to a giant ribbon that leads to the nearby garage, where the '59 Thunderbird is parked. Dylan looks touched by the insanely extravagant gesture and murmurs, "Thank you." Who the hell buys their friend a car for no real reason? And with what money did Kelly buy it? I figured she would have sunk all of her cash into the boutique, which can't be doing that well just selling Donna Martin originals.
Matt and Lauren are meeting with her doctor. He warns her that if she continues taking clozapine, she'll go septic and her organs will start to shut down - probably in as little as two to three weeks. And unfortunately, once she goes off the meds, she'll likely suffer a schizophrenic episode within a week [and start acting like Gina]. Lauren insists on continuing with the medication, but the doctor refuses to prescribe anymore of the pills to her...and when Matt asks him what their options are, he doesn't really get anything in the way of a helpful answer.
After Dark. Noah is doing some paperwork at the bar when Gina slithers up to him and says she heard from Donna that they're looking at apartments together, and he snarls back that everything that comes out of her mouth always sounds like a threat. She warns him against telling Donna about "what really happened" between them that night - just as Donna enters the club. Noah shoos Gina away and gives Donna a kiss, tells her he cancelled their house-hunting appointments for the night, and that he has reason to believe he boned Gina the night they took those photo booth photos. Bwahaha! Donna glares at him, barks, "We're over!" and storms away.
Beach house. Donna returns home looking for Gina, and Kelly tells her she's not home. She asks Donna if she wouldn't mind filling in for her on David's radio show, then tells her that Noah left lots of messages to call him back. Donna informs her that she and Noah just broke up, and that she needs to get in touch with her slutty cousin asap.
After Dark. An anguished Noah tells Gina he couldn't stand not being honest with Donna, so he told her about their ugly bumping, and - no surprise - she promptly dumped him. Gina gleefully cackles and tells him they didn't actually have sex, but rather "an intense night together". Noah's all, "Wha-a??" and accuses her of playing mind games with him because of how jealous she is of Donna. Gina snaps back that she never actually used the word sex when describing their activities that night, and smugly adds, "Your subconscious desires are your problem!" and flounces off.
The Peach Pit. Matt and Lauren are sitting at a table, mulling over their glum situation. Matt mumbles that he doesn't want to lose her again, and she tells him he's going to have to move on once she's re-institutionalized. Dylan enters the diner and asks them how their stay in the Presidential Suite went, and Lauren tells him they weren't able to go, but is grateful for the offer...then tearfully flees to the ladies room. Matt explains to Dylan that they just learned from the doctor that Lauren's meds are killing her, and that her schizophrenia will most certainly return after she stops taking them. He refers to her schizophrenic episodes as "a fate worse than death" ... and Dylan stares solemnly into space, no doubt thinking about Toni's bullet-riddled body, and mutters, "There's no such thing."
Campsite. As Steve tries to light the barbecue, Janet calls him dense for wasting so many matches and he snaps back at her to cut him some slack. When he finally gets the barbecue lit, it starts raining heavily and the two flee to the car.
The Peach Pit. Kelly seats herself beside Dylan at the counter and smugly tells him she heard that Matt's and Lauren's romantic Bel Age getaway didn't go as planned. Dylan tells her the two have a lot going on right now, then spills the beans about Lauren's med problems. Kelly stares dully into space as she processes that, then says she feels really really bad about her bitchy smugness just now. Gina flounces over and tells Dylan she needs to talk to him, so Kelly gets up and sits elsewhere. Gina asks him what they were just talking about, and he mutters, "Personal stuff", and Gina gets all riled up about how he's a confidante to Kelly and cupid to Lauren and Matt - but nothing to her. She then pulls out Kelly's red note and asks him if there's something blossoming between the two of them she needs to know about...and if so, she'll accept it and walk away. Yippee!! But instead of taking this golden opportunity to put a merciful end to this toxic hookup, Dylan shrugs and says, "It's just a note" then urges her to come outside with him. He shows her his new Thunderbird and says it's just the thing he needs to help him get his life on track. He then dangles the keys in front of her and invites her to go for a ride, and she gets behind the wheel, snaps up the keys and races off, leaving him eating her dust in the parking lot.
After Dark. Donna is in the DJ booth with David, answering listener calls instead of just playing some damn music that the bored looking clubbers milling around the dance floor could boogy to. They answer a call from a woman who gets butterflies every time she runs into her ex, and Donna coyly glances over at David and agrees that that happens [to her] a lot. After the call, Donna recounts to David that time in high school when she got so nervous she started hyperventilating on the air, and everyone thought they were "doing it", and tells him she appreciated how sweet he was about protecting her reputation as a sainted virgin. Mmm...nope, don't recall that happening during Seasons 1-3. David gets back on the air and throws out this nugget for his listeners to chew on: "Can ex-lovers remain friends?" then gives his opinion on the matter: when it's over, it's over.
Steve and Janet have given up on camping in the rain and are parked at a nearby motel, inside which Stewart and Marianne are fast asleep. Janet is irked at Steve for insisting they take the easy way out by driving to the motel, then criticizes him for always taking the easy way out. Steve looks hurt and tells her she's being harsh, and she snarks back that she has to be 'cause it's hard for her to get over him when he's always in her face...then looks momentarily horrified that she just said that out loud. As the two swig booze from mini bar bottles, Janet mellows and tells Steve that he's really good with the teenagers...and Steve explains that he's always in her face 'cause he likes it so much. The two stare at each other in wonderment, then start going at it.
Beach house. Donna arrives home and finds Noah waiting on the patio for her. He tells her there's been a misunderstanding and that he didn't doink Gina after all...then begs her to confirm this with Gina herself. Donna coldly says she doesn't believe him, doesn't care, and doesn't want to rehash this tiresome subplot anymore...and then storms inside.
Steve and Janet wake up the next morning, spooning in the back seat of the car. He tells her that when they get home he wants them to officially be a couple, then starts smooching her again. A few seconds later, Stewart and Marianne knock on the window, give them a congratulatory thumbs-up at the sight of their canoodling, and tell them they had a great weekend.
Kelly finds Matt sitting in the mall courtyard, and apologizes for being so selfish and cunty lately. She tells him that Dylan clued her in regarding Lauren's health problems, and that she wants to be a friend. She asks him if there's anything she can do, and he clutches her hand and says, "You're already doing it."
Beach house. Gina sneaks into the apartment to retrieve her pager - and Donna, who's been waiting out her return, confronts her about the Noah debacle. Gina tells her that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding, but Donna accuses her of purposely misleading Noah in order to hurt her. Gina just shrugs and grabs her pager and heads for the door...and Donna cackles bitterly about how she was always taught to pity her, then blurts out, "Lying bitch!" and calls her "nothing but trash". Gina shoots her the stink-eye as she storms out.
The Walsh house. Matt and Lauren sit outside and stare up at the stars. She says she's so tired of being filled with anger and frustration, then tells him she only has three pills left. Matt suggests they find a way to get her the meds she needs without going through official channels...but then has to admit he has no idea how to go about doing that. He pulls out a set of plane tickets to Venice so they can celebrate a second honeymoon in Europe, and she woots happily as the two exchange I love yous.
Casa David. Kelly and Dylan are sitting on the front porch playing Battleship. She tells him she offered her help and friendship to Matt during this very dark time, then asks him where Gina is. He grimaces and says they're taking a much needed break, then starts nattering about how badly he needs some focus on his life. He then declares that he's only ever been able to connect with two people in his life: Kelly and Toni. Not Brenda? Ouch. Kelly smiles smugly, and then sinks one of his battleships.
Beach house. David drops by to check on Donna, and she assures him she's fine...then cancels that and says it's just what she's been telling herself. He brings up his on air question about ex-lovers being friends, says, "I lied", then plants a big smooch on her.
Recap: Kelly puts her sad face on and tells Donna she hasn't talked to Matt since the end of the previous episode, when he was like, "Hey Kelly. Guess what? I'm married" then introduced her to his wife. Cue Matt, who is suddenly milling outside the boutique, so Kelly goes out to talk to him in the mall courtyard. He explains that he's been stashing Lauren at the Bel Age Hotel ever since she arrived in L.A. - but he can't afford to keep her there indefinitely, so he's going to have to move her into the Walsh house soon. He meekly adds, "I just want to do the right thing", and an irked Kelly points out that "the right thing" would have included him mentioning that he had a fucking wife sometime before they first hit the sheets. Word.
Gina is doing a training session at a client's house when Dylan drops by for lack of anything better to do with his day. When Gina answers the door, Dylan waves her day planner at her, then barges inside and runs up the stairs. Gina rushes back to the patio to instruct her client to do some stomach crunches, then goes upstairs to see what kind of mayhem Dylan is getting himself into. She finds him rifling through a chest of drawers and mumbling about how hard it is to fight his heroin cravings. He then gets all touchy feely with Gina and suggests he bone her right here and now...and Gina refrains from pointing out that they're in her client's house where she's right in the middle of a training session, and instead giggles and agrees to get it on with him.
The Beverly Beat. Janet arrives for work while Steve and David are interviewing hot women to be in the Beat's new "page three girl" feature, like they used to do in Britain. Janet rolls her eyes and calls the tactic sleazy, but then dutifully goes to her desk and starts her workday 'cause I guess the Beat pays enough to make it worth her while to continue the indignity of being employed by an assclown like Steve.
Gina and Dylan are out jogging together...and he's all winded and out of shape. They take a break in front of an elementary school so that Gina can relive her childhood trauma of coming in second during a skating competition.
After Dark. David tells Donna he needs a date for a party that's being hosted by the station manager and his wife. Donna scrunches her giant face disapprovingly and declines 'cause she doesn't want to put Noah in an awkward position. Even though it was a total non-issue when Noah was Clara's date for the Blockbuster Entertainment awards.
The Beverly Beat. Steve is tanning shirtless under a sun lamp while Janet continues to complain about the sleaziness of featuring "page three girls". Steve insists it could really boost their sales, and Janet grumbles about there being no dignity in her job. And speaking of which, Steve asks her if she wouldn't mind lathering suntan lotion on his shoulders. She complies and spots what is hopefully a stage four melanoma growth, and advises him to get the suspicious mole examined by a dermatologist. Steve breezily says he's sure it's nothing, but then stares worriedly into space.
Beach house. Donna is primping for a romantic night out with Noah when she asks to borrow something from Gina...then returns to the living room clutching the incriminating photo booth photos of Gina and Noah she must have found in her drawer. She sternly asks Gina whaddup with this, and Gina tells her they were just posing, while Noah unhelpfully chimes in about how drunk he was that night and doesn't remember what the hell he might have done. Donna becomes enraged, cancels their romantic night out, and storms to her room.
Matt tells Kelly - now that the cat is totally out of the bag - that he'd like to regale her with the complete story of his relationship with Lauren. He tells her they were high school sweethearts, got married at age twenty, and a year later she started to hear voices egging her on to do terrible things. After she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, she spent three years in a mental hospital until her doctor thought to prescribe clozapine, and then suddenly she got better and phoned him with the good news. He says he never wanted to give up on Lauren...and figured that being upfront with Kelly about the fact that he has a wife in a mental hospital would translate to 'giving up on Lauren'. He admits to loving both of them, then wails about how screwed up the situation [largely of his own making] is.
The Walsh house. Lauren cooks breakfast while grumbling about everything she's missed out on while languishing in the hospital for three years. When she serves Matt his French toast, she's startled when she looks down at the plate and sees that it's still raw 'cause she forgot to turn the stove on. She cries, "What did I dooo?" and Matt assures her it's OK, and that eventually she'll relearn how to operate large appliances. She suddenly laments losing her wedding ring, but he tells her he took it off her finger for safekeeping. She points at his ring finger and sadly remarks that he no longer wears his either. No duh. If he had kept the damn thing on, we probably wouldn't be suffering through his dull-as-fuck wife/girlfriend love triangle storyline right now.
Steve is being examined by Bernie Kopell, the Love Boat doctor, to see if his mole is cancerous. Doc also examines other areas of Steve's pasty white skin and chides him for sitting under a heat lamp. He calls the mole in question irregular and says, yep, it definitely could be a carcinoma. Steve looks panicked and goes, "Cancer?" and Doc nods and advises him to stop needlessly exposing his skin to harmful UV rays, and urges against going outside shirtless without sunscreen.
The Peach Pit. Noah gives Gina shit for not throwing away the photo booth photos, and accuses her of enjoying making Donna miserable. Gina tells him that Donna deserves to know the truth, then implies that the two of them did, in fact, bump uglies on that fateful night. She looks faux insulted and says it hurts her feelings that he has no memory of the beautiful grinding that occurred in his bedroom that night...and Noah furrows his brows and contorts his face, looking angry and perplexed.
Gina meets up with Dylan, and the two head out to the Peach Pit parking lot. He tells her that since he has community service at 7am, he'll just drop her off at home and get a good night's rest. Gina poutishly asks him if he's sick of her already [even if he's not, I'm definitely getting there], then starts unbuttoning her top and threatens to continue until he declares his immediate need to doink her. When he remains stubbornly mute, she removes her top...then has to hide behind Dylan when Nat exits the diner to gabble about something pointless. While Nat and Dylan are talking, Gina strips off her bra - which essentially means she's now topless in a public parking lot - and after Nat goes back inside, Dylan hastily covers her up and agrees to spend the night at her place. Girl has some serious issues that will need to be unpacked in a future recap.
The Walsh house. Kelly is packing up her remaining stuff from Matt's room when Matt suddenly appears in the doorway and uselessly moans about how much he hates this situation. Kelly snappishly asks him what he wants, so he says, "I want to help Lauren, but go home to you every night" and she just stares at him in mute bewilderment. Cut the cord already, dullards.
Noah drops by Now Wear This with a bouquet of flowers as a peace offering, and Donna snarks, "They make you look guilty." He explains for the umpteenth time that he was drunk on the night he and Gina took the photo booth photos, and definitely wasn't looking to hook up with her. Donna remains stone-faced and declares that she's decided to accompany David to the station manager's party tomorrow after all, and smugly describes the favor as "helping out a friend". Noah says he doesn't like the sound of that one bit, but Donna sassily retorts that she really doesn't give a rat's ass.
The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet he's been spending time at the public library reading up on skin cancer. He adds that he went to the Love Boat doctor, who's currently testing his mole for cancer. He hangs his head shamefully and laments how he's done nothing with his life except party and act like a boneheaded halfwit. He worries what people will say about him after he's dead - e.g. "here lies a boneheaded halfwit" - then frets that he's blown it...and also that he's blown it with her. Janet clucks sympathetically and gives him a squeeze.
Beach house. Kelly is standing on the patio, sadly staring out at the ocean when Dylan and Gina arrive...and Dylan promptly sends Gina inside so that he can have a tender heart-to-heart with Kelly. She whines to him about The Matt and Lauren Situation, and Dylan reminds her about Matt's timeline: he lost his wife to a mental illness, put himself through law school, hit the relationship jackpot when he met Kelly, but now has to contend with an only somewhat recovered schizophrenic wife. Kelly smiles at him tearfully, then cries, "I want Matt baaaaaack." OMFG - whyyyyyyyy???
The Walsh house. After spending the night together, Steve glumly tells Janet that last night's doink was probably nothing more than a mercy fuck for someone who might be dying...and she's only half-heartedly able to deny it. He says he's been thinking about what's been missing from his life (substance, a purpose) and decides he'd like to do more volunteer work. Janet applauds him for being so selfless, and urges him to focus on all the positive changes he could be making.
David and Donna arrive at the station manager's party and quickly get on the same page about what they'll say when someone asks them how they met. They greet the host and his wife, engage in idle chit-chat, then get asked to pose/kiss for a photo. The two stare longingly at each other and kiss in slo-mo while the photographer snaps away.
Kelly drops by Matt's office to tell him that she received the present he mailed to her (an engraved keychain to put his spare key on) before all the Lauren baggage hit the fan. She promises to move on if he can definitively declare that he loves Lauren more than her...but the dolt refuses to utter those simple words. Kelly storms out of his office and shoots Lauren the stink-eye when she passes her on her way back to the boutique.
Steve is at the beach, covered from head to toe to avoid sun exposure, and is surrounded by bikini clad women as he sells the latest copies of the Beat. Janet arrives and asks him whassup with this latest spectacle, so he explains that he's using the women as advertisement for selling papers while lecturing passersby on the dangers of skin cancer, pointing out that each of the shapely, half naked women is wearing sunscreen. Er, OK..? He thanks Janet for her concern about his suspicious mole, then urges everyone within earshot to check their bodies for any skin irregularities. Janet says she's proud of him for doing something quasi-charitable and gives him a kiss.
After Dark. David and Donna pull up in the club's parking lot and agree that they had a lovely time at the party. They gabble about their dating history...blah blah...and then David leans in for a smooch. A slightly discombobulated Donna then enters the club and makes a beeline over to Noah. She apologizes to him for suspecting the worst about his night with Gina...then wryly asks him if they can just burn the photo booth photos. Yes please.
Restaurant. Dylan and Gina are out for dinner...and she tells him she'd like them to take a night off from pawing each other and instead enjoy a nice meal while acting like civilized adults. Dylan's like, "Noooooo waaaaaaay!" and starts loudly singing When the Saints Go Marching In. The waiter comes over and asks him to keep his voice down, but Dylan is having too much fun indulging in his loopy behavior that appears to be functioning as an antidote to his smack cravings...so he continues singing in an even louder voice, and carries a giggling Gina out of the restaurant.
Kelly is closing up the boutique when Lauren comes by to ask a favor. Kelly warns her that she's not feeling very charitable at the moment, but Lauren presses ahead and asks her to please not fight for Matt. Kelly whines, "It's not fair!" and Lauren points out that she lost three years in a mental hospital and now wants her life back...and has to rely on Kelly's kindness to get it back. She snaps, "That's not fair either" then stalks off.
After Dark. Bernie Kopell calls Steve to let him know that the mole came back all clear: no cancer. Steve tells Janet the good news, and she squeals happily and gives him a hug. He then spots the group of page three girls gathered on the other side of the dance floor and says he's going to go over and say hi to them...and Janet stares after him looking dismayed.
Dylan and Gina are strolling outside when a frenetic Dylan suggests they have sex on the side of the road like a couple of dogs in heat. Gina suddenly gets prudish and says she doesn't want to, then accuses him of treating her like a sex object. Or like a woman who wantonly strips topless in a public parking lot to convince her sort-of boyfriend to spend the night romping with her in the sack. She scrunches her face in contrived misery and says what she really wants is for him to tell her how much he cares about her...and he just kind of rolls his eyes thinking, "As if", and suggests they head home.
After Dark. Noah has arranged for the band, Wild Orchid, to perform for him and Donna...while David creepily watches them slow dance from the DJ booth. Donna forgives Noah for his drunken antics on the night of the photo booth photos, then stares over his shoulder to gaze longingly at David.
Beach house. Gina tells Noah she heard that he and Donna worked things out...then hints again that they most definitely hit the sheets that night. He demands to know the truth, so she smugly says, "Nothing happened that you haven't already done tonight" then laughs and flounces off.
After Dark. David is still in the DJ booth, giving his listeners his sad commentary about how romantic Valentine's Day is for couples, but a sad reminder of loneliness for single people.
The Walsh house. Kelly comes over to tell Matt that she totally gets that he loves her...but that she's saying goodbye despite how hard it is. She kisses his cheek, tells him he's made her very happy over the past six or so episodes, then strides away from the house with a mournful expression on her face.
Recap: The 90210 gang (minus Matt) is gathered at Casa Walsh and playing strip poker - a visual I really didn't need right out of the gate, not to mention that it seems like a totally weird thing to be doing with a group of your platonic co-ed pals. Kelly excuses herself to call Matt, who fibbed to everyone that he had to go to New York on business.
New York. Matt is dining out with Lauren, who informs viewers that she just spent the last three years of her life in an institution because of her schizophrenia. Apparently, she woke up one day after taking some magic pills her doctor prescribed and feels totally normal again. She tells Matt how excited she is to move to L.A., resume their marriage, and put her illness behind her. Matt flatly replies, "That's great" and when she looks put out by his unmistakable lack of enthusiasm, he assures her he really does want to be with her. Sort of. But not really so much.
The Walsh house. Strip poker has deteriorated to the point where Steve is forced to strip naked...and he stands proudly in front of his friends, his naughties bared.
Dylan is carrying out his community service sentence as part of a chain gang construction crew, and naturally the foreman is an abusive asshole who calls them dirtbags and threatens them with jail time if they misbehave. As the demoralized men obediently shovel rocks, a Hispanic man (Ramon) who's working alongside Dylan warns the douchebag foreman that any more digging of the rocks could cause a dangerous slide if they don't shore up the hill first - but the douchebag foreman barks at him to shut up and keep shovelling, and that if he refuses to follow orders he'll boot his ass over the Mexican border. Dylan advises Ramon to get back to work and not cause anymore trouble for himself.
The Walsh house. Steve is miffed at losing the strip poker game so badly to Noah, so out of curiosity he puts on the glasses that Noah was wearing all evening and discovers that they're some kind of trick glasses he used in conjunction with a deck of marked cards. He informs Donna of her boyfriend's duplicity, and she agrees that they're going to need to formulate a revenge plot, like pronto.
The Peach Pit. David spots a pretty blonde woman sitting at a table, reading a book and crying. He goes over and asks her whassup with her sadness, so she explains that her job is to read unpublished novels to see if they'd make good movies, and she's tearing up over the book she's currently reading 'cause it's a bittersweet romance. David looks intrigued by this sensitive stranger - but then gets interrupted by Steve and Donna, who pull him away to forcibly involve him in the Revenge Against Noah subplot.
Matt drops by the boutique to see Kelly, who chides him for not calling her back during his "business trip". He fibs and tells her he unplugged his phone so he could work uninterrupted all night, then got up at dawn to catch his plane back to L.A. She tells him she made plans for the two of them to spend the weekend canoodling in Santa Barbara...and when he tries to turn the invitation down, she chirps, "My treat!" He tells her he might not be able to get away 'cause of work, so she's like, "Ooh" and tells him to let her know if he can't make it so she can cancel their reservation.
After Dark. David, Donna, and Steve are tampering with Noah's CO2 canisters, cranking up the pressure so he'll get sprayed whenever he pours drinks to customers. Donna remarks on how petty and juvenile the prank is. And only slightly less mind numbing than last episode's Georgia/Nipsy dog mating caper.
Matt shows Lauren his office, and she marvels at the fabulousness of his California life, and the two engage in some boring chit-chat that my brain involuntarily tuned out. Eventually she turns glum and asks him if he has a girlfriend, and he admits he does and cares about her a lot. She asks him if he loves this woman, and he dodges that minefield by saying, "It doesn't matter. Your being here is what matters" and Lauren doesn't bother challenging the vagueness of that lame non-answer.
After Dark. Gina teases Dylan about being part of a chain gang, then asks him to tell her all about his day when they're suddenly interrupted by Dylan's Narcotics Anonymous sponsor, a shapely woman named Linda. Gina looks put out by her hotness, but agrees to leave the table so the two can talk in private.
Noah runs out of CO2 and has to change tanks...and while he's doing that, David, Donna, and Steve sit at the bar and anxiously await the hilarity that's about to ensue. As soon as Noah pours his next drink, he gets sprayed on...and the three idiots laugh and declare this their revenge on him for cheating during the strip poker game.
Kelly calls Matt's office, but gets his voicemail. She scrunches her face in perplexed irritation.
Bel Age Hotel. As Matt escorts Lauren to her hotel room, she laments the various stimulus problems she had while driving to the hotel, such as processing the difference between a red and green light - a clear indication that she probably shouldn't be behind the wheel. She brushes off her concerns and kisses Matt, then looks put out when he involuntarily cringes. She says she merely wanted him to hold her...then asks if it would have been so terrible if she'd wanted some penetration. She asks him if he's been so standoffish because of his girlfriend, then makes it clear how dismayed she is at having to stay in a hotel room instead of with him at his home. Matt explains what a zoo Casa Walsh is, and that he enjoys spending time with her at the Bel Age 'cause it gives them a chance to have their privacy... and Lauren seems reasonably placated by that.
Kelly phones Matt again, but keeps getting his voicemail. She lets out a big sigh, then calls up the hotel in Santa Barbara and cancels the weekend reservation.
Steve gets out of the shower and notices that his hair has turned a neon shade of green. Bwahaha! As Steve gasps at his reflection in the mirror, an amused looking Noah cackles with pride at his latest prank.
Matt drops by the boutique to apologize to Kelly for not calling her back. She tells him that something feels different between them, and he's like, "Uh huh", but continues to keep mum about Lauren, 'cause why clear up the situation when Kelly can find out about Lauren in a far more confusing, painful fashion? She tells him she went ahead and cancelled their hotel reservation in Santa Barbara, and he says that was probably a good idea 'cause something has come up.
The Peach Pit. David runs into the pretty blonde woman again...and when the two introduce themselves, he learns that her name is Carol. The two start chatting about their favorite films...blah blah...and he musters the courage to ask her out to a movie. She agrees to meet him at the theater and gives him her number. Steve, meanwhile, enters the diner with a carrying case and snarls at David, "Noah's a dead man."
By scripted coincidence, it's the day of the After Dark's annual health inspection. As Noah greets the health inspector, Steve sneaks into the club with the carrying case, then sets it on the floor and releases a little mouse. The inspector finds the mouse trap that Steve planted and asks Noah whassup with that...and suddenly Steve and Donna appear, giggling at the genius of their counter-prank. Noah snaps at the two idiots for messing with his business...and as he's doing that, the inspector collapses. Noah rushes over to him, checks his pulse...and when he can't find one, he orders Donna to call 911. As she scampers off to do that, Steve starts freaking out and tells Noah that the unconscious guy isn't actually the health inspector - just an actor named Hal he hired to pretend to be the health inspector. A few seconds later, the real health inspector arrives, and Noah and Steve shove Hal into an old refrigerator to hide the evidence of their moronic shenanigans.
Chain gang. During lunch, Ramon tells Dylan he works two jobs and goes to night school so he can get his contractor's license. The douchebag foreman snatches the study book Ramon is holding and laughs at his future aspirations, and Dylan gets all in his face and growls at him to stop ridiculing his new friend.
After Dark. The health inspector gives Noah a glowing review...but by the time Noah, Steve, and Donna race to the back room to check on dead Hal, they're aghast when the refrigerator they shoved him into is gone. Nat saunters in and informs them that the salvage guys left with it a little while ago. After that, two paramedics arrive and say they got a call about a reported dead person, and the three idiots deny that any of them would dare waste the valuable time of first responders, and tell them it was probably a crank call.
Out in a park somewhere, Gina is strolling with David and complaining to him about all the time Dylan is spending with his hot NA sponsor instead of opening up to her. David shrugs disinterestedly and tells her to "follow Dylan's lead" - otherwise their fragile hookup could rapidly fall apart. Gina is about to let out a haughty retort - but puts a pin in that when she suddenly spots Matt openly smooching Lauren. She's all, "OMG!" and doesn't bother hiding her delight at seeing first hand evidence that Matt is stepping out on Kelly.
Donna, Noah, and Steve arrive at the salvage yard and ask if the refrigerator that was brought over from the Peach Pit is still intact. The salvage yard guy answers by pointing at a compressed heap of metal and proudly tells them it's ready for recycling.
Lauren tells Matt how delighted she is to be out and about, shopping and canoodling with her man. She then turns glum and asks about his girlfriend, and sadly adds that she doesn't want her contrived story arc to ruin his happiness. Matt just mutely stares into space.
Gina heads straight over to Now Wear This and reports to Kelly that she thinks Matt might be seeing someone else, and gives her the deets of what she witnessed in the park. Kelly's all, "Wha-a?" and stares into space with a stricken expression on her face.
Chain gang. Dylan tells Ramon that he's doing community service 'cause he stormed the Marchette mansion while armed and hopped up on heroin. A few seconds later, large boulders from the top of the hill come crashing down, nearly killing them...and the douchebag foreman yells at them for not shoring up the hill like he ordered them to. Dylan bellows back that Ramon was the one who had suggested the shoring up of the hill - but Ramon admonishes him for dragging him into a pointless altercation and messing with his life's goal of becoming a contractor.
After Dark. Steve wails to Donna and Noah about how wrecked he is that Hal dropped dead, got shoved into a fridge, which was then compressed like a tin can.
David arrives at the movie theater, but there's no sign of Carol. He tries calling her on his cell, but it looks like she gave him a fake number. Haha!
Casa David. Gina lights a bunch of candles to create a romantic ambiance for an evening with her slouchy beau. He grumbles about how exhausted he is - but then perks up when she smoochingly offers to run him a bath. Post-coitus, Dylan gets a call from Linda and asks Gina to vacate the room so he can speak privately to his hot sponsor. Ouch. Gina stares at him in incredulity, then growls, "Go to hell!" as she storms out. An oblivious Dylan starts gabbling to Linda about his day with his new chain gang friends.
Beach house. Kelly is leaning against the patio railing, looking as surly as possible when Matt drops by. She snarks about not being able to trust him, and expresses utter disbelief that he didn't even try to hide whatever he has going on the side with his other girlfriend. He weakly tries to explain the situation, but Kelly refuses to hear him out and storms inside.
Chain gang. The douchebag foreman warns Dylan that if he continues to sass him in front of the crew, he'll end up serving jail time. Dylan says he doesn't care what happens to him, but urges him to lay off Ramon 'cause he's a far better man than either of them. The douchebag foreman lets that uncomfortable truth sink in for a few seconds, then gruffly orders Dylan to get back to work.
Beach house. Kelly tells Donna that she and Matt are dunzo, and Donna's all, "Wha-a? I thought you two were doing great!" but then is forced to excuse herself from being Kelly's sounding board when Steve arrives and solemnly announces, "It's time." Kelly stares in bewilderment at Steve's green follicles and asks, "What's on your head?" Haha!
Beach. Dylan finds a conch and wants to throw it into the ocean - but Ramon stops him, says it's too beautiful to throw away, and urges him to hold onto it. He thanks Dylan for putting in a good word for him with the douchebag foreman after his outburst and is grateful that he wasn't given any additional community service.
Steve and Donna arrive at Hal's house to inform his wife that her husband is no more. When she answers the door and gets the first part of the news - that he had a heart attack - she lets out a sharp cry, then collapses onto the floor. Steve and Donna are like, "Ack!" and flee the scene.
Beach house. Dylan drops by to see Gina, and she greets him with a slap on the cheek...and instead of ending the toxic horror show this relationship has rapidly become, he hands her the conch and gabbles about what a powerful thing revenge can be, and that he got lost in his desire to lash out at Marchette. And by lash out, he means shoot to death. He says he's happy to be doing his community service while free of drugs, and Gina assures him he'll get through it OK, then gives him a thank you hug for the pretty shell.
After Dark. Carol drops by the DJ booth to explain to David that her mom got into a car accident right before she was supposed to meet him at the movies. David snappishly asks her to explain why the phone number she gave him was a fake, so she checks the number he had dialled and determines that he wrote her number down wrong. She then says she's leaving L.A. to fly to Chicago to take care of her injured mother, and that this scene officially marks the end of this utterly pointless sub-subplot.
After Dark. Steve moans to Donna that he hopes Hal's wife didn't just die...and a few seconds later they see her enter the club. Donna slinks over to her and sheepishly extends her condolences for her husband's untimely demise, and the wife breezily says it's all good 'cause Hal wasn't a very nice guy...and a few seconds later, Hal and Noah enter the club, looking amused and smug. Steve and Donna are all, "Wha-a?" then quickly deduce that Noah has somehow tricked them. When Donna tells Noah that they hired Hal to prank him, Noah laughingly explains that he happened to answer the phone when Hal called her back, quickly figured out what she was up to, and paid him double to trick the two of them. He then goes behind the bar, pours a drink, and gets sprayed with water from the tampered CO2 tank that I guess he forgot to fix...and everyone chuckles merrily.
Kelly drops by Matt's office to tell him she doesn't want to break up with him. She says they get along great and are good together, and Matt agrees that even though they're the show's most boring-as-fuck couple since the snoredom that was Brandon and Susan Keats, what they had was terrific. Kelly's like, "Wuh? Then why end it?" and Matt says, "Because of Lauren" ... and suddenly Lauren appears behind him in the doorway. Matt introduces her to Kelly as his wife, and Kelly stares back at the two of them with a tearful look of shocked bewilderment.
Recap: Kelly is sniping at Matt about how her BFF nearly died 'cause he failed to alert anyone about Dylan's destructive heroin use. Matt points out that Donna is miraculously fine...then explains that Dylan is his client, which means he can't go around blabbing stuff about him behind his back. Kelly retorts, "Well, Dylan is my friend and needs help" and Matt's like, "Fuck off, I'm tired of having the same argument with you over attorney-client privilege" and refuses to accept the blame for his slouchy client's druggie behavior.
Over at Casa David, Noah, Steve, and David admonish Dylan for not finishing the job - I mean nearly drowning Donna - and Dylan hangs his head in shame and mumbles, "I get it" but then grunts at them to get off his back. He snaps that he'll deal with his shit in his own way, then slouches toward the door. David tries to stop him from leaving by offering to help him get clean, but Dylan declines and swings open the door and - ack! - is startled to see Donna standing on the doorstep, looking as meek and doe-eyed as she can muster. She sees the stricken look on his face and assures him she's fine...and when he mumbles that he'd never deliberately hurt her, she coos, "I know", hugs him, and implores him to let her and/or the 90210 gang help him through his tedious drug problems. He promises to give it a shot.
The Beverly Beat. Janet brings her new friend, Trey, to the newsroom, along with their two Dobermans. The subplot summary here: Janet is contemplating allowing his dog to mate with hers, and is also considering whether or not she's interested enough in Trey to want to mate with him. Janet asks Steve to dog-sit her Doberman while she and Trey go on a date.
Beach house. Kelly is calling various rehab facilities to determine the best place for Dylan to get his head screwed on straight, and when Gina overhears what she's doing she informs her that Matt has already found a rehab program. She then announces that she's headed over to her slouchy boyfriend's place right now, but Kelly haughtily says she's going over there and suggests that Gina open the boutique instead. Gina barks, "I think I should be with Dylan" and Kelly snaps back, "So do I" so then Donna interjects and suggests they all go over there together, needlessly hover over Dylan, then open the boutique later. Gina ignores her peacemaking attempt and snarkishly asks Kelly if there's something she wants to say to her, and Kelly bitchily replies, "You handled his addiction, let us handle his recovery", shoots her the stink-eye, and flounces out of the apartment.
After Dark. Noah is watching a singer named Clara who, for some reason, is performing just for him. He gushes about how great she is...but when she starts fretting about not having a thing to wear for the upcoming Blockbuster Entertainment Awards, Noah says he can put her in touch with a terrific giant-headed designer.
Steve takes Janet's Doberman - a gorgeous girl named Georgia - to the dog park. He quickly gets distracted from his dog-sitting duties when he meets a pretty dog owner named Mitzi...and as he's flirting with her, Georgia scampers off to sniff all the available male dogs milling about.
The 90210 gang (plus Gina) is gathered at Casa David for a half-hearted intervention to discuss which rehab program they should ship Dylan off to. Kelly favors one called Rapid Detox, but Gina argues that it sounds "too fast food". Kelly pulls out a pamphlet for the program that describes its detox method as "effective and safe" (it must be true if it's on their pamphlet), then smugly tells Gina she can suck on it 'cause she's already made all the arrangements. Matt reminds everyone that Dylan is due in court soon to face two felony counts related to his drug-induced break-in of the Marchette mansion, and points out that him being in rehab weakens his case. He adds that if Dylan is found guilty - fingers crossed! - he can get up to ten years.
Steve is still flirting with Mitzi when another dog owner drags Georgia over and yells at Steve for allowing his horny dog to get it on with his runty little mutt, Nipsy. Steve's all, "Ack!" and tells the guy that Georgia is supposed to be saving herself for a fellow Doberman. The guy refrains from pointing out that that would have been a good fucking reason to keep an eye on his dog. Or maybe not bring her to a dog park. Or maybe leave this incredible bore of a subplot on the editing room floor and come up with a less snorefesty way for Steve and Janet to interact.
Now Wear This. Noah brings Clara to the boutique to see if any of Donna's '90s style spaghetti string dresses appeal to her. An excited Donna covertly tells Noah that if Clara wears one of her dresses to the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards, it could create a buzz over her designs and start boosting her sales. After examining every rack of clothing, Clara finally ambles over and tells Donna she loooves her stuff and wants her to design a dress for her to wear to the awards show. As Donna stares at her in mute disbelief at the implausible request, Clara hints at Noah that she wants him to be her date for the big event.
A restless Dylan is unable to sleep, so he crawls out of bed and wakes up Gina in the process. She sleepily asks him whassup, so he tells her he's going to take a cold shower. He then slouches into the bathroom, turns on the water, then climbs out the bathroom window.
The next morning, Kelly snarks at Gina for letting Dylan escape and bitchily reminds her that she was supposed to be watching him. David points out that Dylan's a grown man, and therefore would have found a way to flee regardless of who was supposed to be babysitting him...then suggests they look for him where he likes to score his drugs. Everyone splits up into groups of two and embarks on The Amazing Race: Find Slouchy Edition before he gets a chance to stock up on more heroin and/or die in a puddle of his own vomit.
While driving around, Donna suggests to Noah that they check out the Bel Age Hotel 'cause it's where Dylan used to live. Noah snorts derisively and says that Dylan's problems are his own fault, and that she's such an awesome cherub to forgive him for nearly killing her in the previous episode. He then abruptly changes the subject and tells her that Clara really wants him to escort her to the awards show, and Donna says she's fine with that 'cause she totally trusts him.
Kelly and Matt are ambling around the beach where Dylan used to surf and, as Kelly explains, flee to whenever they felt angst-ridden about their privileged, pretty people lives. Matt remarks on how left out he's been feeling in this situation, and Kelly apologizes for repeatedly blaming him for Dylan's substance abuse issues. As the camera pans down, we see that Dylan is actually there, huddled behind a giant pile of rocks and looking green around the gills.
The Beverly Beat. A mystified Janet tells Steve that Georgia has no interest in mating with Trey's dog, so Steve sheepishly admits that he took her to the dog park, let her run around off-leash, and before he knew what was happening she was bumping uglies with a scrappy pooch named Nipsy. Janet's all, "Wha-a?!", gets enraged at Steve for not taking his dog-sitting duties more seriously, and storms out of the newsroom.
Beach. Dylan is leaning against a giant rock, dry heaving, then gets up and staggers around. He finds a small baggie of heroin in his pocket...then cries out in helpless anger as he dumps it on the ground, then collapses face-first onto the sand. LOL.
The Peach Pit. David and Gina enter the diner and ask Nat if he's seen Dylan, and he's like, "Nope. Better call the police." Gina half-heartedly blames herself for Dylan's escape, but David says he was determined to get high no matter what. Gina then comes clean and confesses that she reluctantly provided Dylan with drugs from his stash after twice refusing to do it, which explains why he was so high when he nearly killed Donna. David shoots her the stink-eye for so actively enabling her druggie boyfriend.
Kelly and Matt return to the beach house after having no luck finding Dylan. Matt says he's bummed about her past relationships with Brandon and Dylan, but Kelly makes it clear that they're both great guys, then solemnly adds, "If they ever need me, they have me." Matt applauds her for being such a great friend, but makes it clear how hard it sucks for him that she's chosen a side that isn't his. Kelly weakly denies choosing sides, but has to put a pin in that argument when she suddenly notices that Dylan is passed out on her patio. As she hovers over him anxiously, he weakly cries, "Hellllp me."
Hospital. The doctor tells the gang that Dylan's system will be heroin-free within four to six hours - and Donna's like, "Yay!" and rushes off to work on the design for Clara's award show dress. Matt tells Kelly it might be best for Dylan if he explored a plea agreement, though it could result in jail time. Kelly snaps, "You'll have to do better than that!" and Matt stomps away looking irked at her chronic bitchitude whenever it comes to his his lawyerly advice. Gina arrives at the hospital and sarcastically thanks Kelly for calling her and says she's been up all night worrying. When Kelly informs her that Dylan is currently under anesthesia, Gina mockingly calls her "a saint for taking care of other people's boyfriends". Kelly smugly tells her that Dylan showed up on her doorstep and was mumbling her name when she found him, then says they've been friends for nine years. Gina retorts that she's in Dylan's life now, isn't going anywhere, and that Kelly should get used to that. So there.
Janet drags Steve to the dog park with her so she can check out Nipsy. When she gets a look at the scrappy little mutt, she's horrified...and isn't consoled when Steve points out that Nipsy has character. Mitzi wanders over to say hey to Steve and that she's looking forward to their dinner date, and Janet shoots the stink-eye at Steve. Incidentally, whoever thought it was a good idea to have a Mitzi and a Nipsy in the same subplot had no idea how confusing it would be to recap.
Beach house. Donna models a long grey sack of a dress for Noah and tells him it's the dress she designed for Clara. It seems kind of underwhelming to wear to a televised awards show, but OK. Noah gushes about what a brilliant designer she is, and she coquettishly asks him if he could help her out of the dress. He grins and coos, "With pleasure."
Courthouse. The DA tells Matt he's wasting his time trying to get a plea deal for Dylan, so Matt explains that on the night of the break-in, he was mostly assaulting the ghost of his dead wife's killer. The DA mulls that over and offers to drop the drug possession charge - but not the assault charge - so Matt tries to drum up more sympathy by adding that in Season 6, Dylan's wife (of five minutes) was killed before his eyes, and in Season 3 his father was (fake) blown up right in front of him. He pleads with the DA to give Dylan a second chance - and for some reason she softens enough to downgrade the charges to trespassing, which will entail a fine, probation, rehab, and community service. The two shake on it, and the DA reminds Matt that he owes her big time, and that she hopes his slouchy friend is worth it. Nope. He is not.
Beach house. Donna is watching the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards show with David and Steve, and is horrified when she sees that Clara has accessorized her sack dress with purple feather boas and other unspeakable accessories. When an entertainment reporter asks Clara who she's wearing, Noah proudly announces that it's a Donna Martin original. Bwahahaha! Donna cringes in mortification and moans that Clara has ruined her fugly outfit.
Hospital. Matt asks Gina how she's doing, and she tells him she's lonely, then lets out a bitter laugh and acknowledges that she doesn't have many friends. He asks her where Kelly is, and she wryly replies, "Take a wild guess" so Matt heads over to Dylan's hospital room and finds her standing over the Slouchster, staring down at him concernedly. He tells her he made a deal with the DA that will excuse Dylan from any jail time...and passive-aggressively grumbles about how owing the DA a favor will probably negatively affect his next client, then mutters, "But other people are always paying for Dylan's mistakes." He urges Kelly to let Gina hover over Dylan, but she refuses to budge...and then suddenly, Dylan starts to flatline (!), and a bunch of doctors and nurses rush around, desperately trying to shock his heart back to life.
Gina is pacing the waiting room as Matt sheepishly apologizes to Kelly for making that snarky remark about Dylan- instead of firmly standing by it like he has every right to. After about twenty minutes, the doctor comes out to tell them that Dylan's totes fine now that his heart has been shocked back into a normal rhythm...and that the only thing that ails him is the looming heroin withdrawal process. He urges them to go home and get some rest, but Gina insists on sticking around. As does Kelly, despite Matt's best efforts to get her to leave with him. He asks her to consider if there's more to her affection for Slouchy than that of a platonic friend, then dejectedly shuffles off like the spineless wussy little man he is.
Beach house. Noah finds Donna sitting in the living room, bummed about the scathing reviews her Clara dress has gotten, and its inclusion on fashion pages' Worst Dressed List. Noah apologizes for broadcasting to the world that she was the designer, but she assures him she understands that he was only trying to help, then gives him an impromptu cuddle.
Hospital. Gina opens up to Kelly about her portly mother, and how she always depended on Gina to do everything for her...and apparently this made Gina get used to feeling needed and important. She acknowledges how cunty she's been acting ever since her debut on Beverly Hills, 90210, and Kelly wryly says she's not the only one who's been behaving badly, and that Dylan's drug problems are solely his fault. Well duh. The doctor comes over to inform the two that Dylan is awake and can have visitors, so Kelly tells Gina, "Give him my best" and finally decides to abide by some reasonable boundaries and head home. Gina enters Dylan's room, and he tells her he's happy to see her, and she beams in response.
The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Steve that her dog didn't get knocked up by Nipsy after all...and that Trey invited her to dinner, but she turned him down. She's decided that Trey and his dog have zero personality - unlike Steve and Nipsy. Steve takes this as a hopeful sign and grins at her stupidly.
A group of young women stream inside Now Wear This and ask Donna if they have any dresses in stock like the one Clara wore to the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards. Apparently, they love whatever Clara wears, regardless of how fugly her choice in clothing is, or how relentlessly she's mocked on the various Worst Dressed lists.
Hospital. David drops by to see Dylan, who mumbles incoherently about not sweating the small stuff, but also not taking the important things in life for granted. David says he still wants them to be roommates, now that the heroin has worked its way out of his system. Dylan thanks him, and the two share a manly handshake.
Matt is on the phone when Kelly drops by his office to tell him she's officially decided she only likes Dylan as a friend. For the moment, anyway. She apologizes for her annoying relationship baggage, and he tells her she's not the only one with baggage...and speaking of baggage, could they please talk about this later so he can finish the phone conversation he's right in the middle of? She chirps, "Sure!" and gives him a quick peck before leaving. Once she's out of hearing range, he resumes his conversation with Lauren - spoiler: his wife! - and tells her how happy he is to hear her voice. On the other end of the line, in New York City, Lauren coos, "I love you sweetheart" and Matt dutifully returns her I love you as the scene fades to black.
Boring love triangle alert. Fuck.
Recap: Dylan pulls up to the Marchette mansion on his motorcycle. He slouches up to the front door, pulls the gun out of his pants, and knocks on the front door. When a woman answers, he points the gun at her and growls, "Don't say a word" and orders her into the study. He turns up the volume on the stereo that was softly playing classical music, then positions himself by the door...and a few seconds later, the woman's husband enters the room to see whassup with the music being so loud. Dylan looks perplexed when he sees that the man isn't Tony Marchette and demands to know where he is. The wife explains that they bought this mansion three years ago from Marchette's estate, and Dylan's like, "What do you mean estate?" so the husband informs him that Tony Marchette committed suicide three weeks after his daughter was killed. He begs Dylan not to hurt them, and Dylan stares at them while his brain discombobulates, then mutters, "I'm sorry" and runs out of the house. What a dumbass.
Kelly is sleeping over at Casa Walsh and asks Matt if she can use his toothbrush, and is taken aback when his reaction is, "Ew gross!" LOL. He tells her he's going to hop into the shower - just as Donna and Noah burst through the front door, vertically dry humping. Kelly goes downstairs to ask them if they want to join her and Matt for a snack, but Donna points at the woody straining against Noah's pants and says, "No can do." Janet appears out of nowhere and informs everyone that Steve is in a foul mood after learning how dissatisfied his Art of the Pick-up pupils are with his useless techniques. Shocker. Donna shrugs indifferently and tells Noah she's still up for a romp...but when they enter Noah's bedroom and start horizontally dry humping, Steve suddenly blasts his music in the room next door. Noah suggests they take a bubble bath...but when they enter the bathroom, they find a dripping Matt in there, finishing up his shower.
Gina is sitting on the front stoop of David's apartment when Dylan rides up on his motorcycle. She notices how much grislier than usual he looks from all the hard living he's been doing lately and tells him they need to head over to the beach house before anyone else sees him. David suddenly emerges from the apartment and is all, "Ack!" when he sees Dylan's ghastly appearance. Gina breezily "explains" that he has the flu and that she's going to nurse him back to health at her place. Dylan murmurs to Gina that he desperately needs to get high, then agrees to crash at the beach house.
Later, Dylan wakes up in Gina's bedroom and finds her holding his gun. She asks him if he was really going to kill Tony Marchette, and he's like, "Probably", then admits to being a full-on heroin addict who needs fixes a lot more frequently than just a couple of times a week. Gina offers to cancel her personal trainer appointments so she can help him through the stenchy withdrawal process, but Dylan doesn't like the idea of her seeing him be all sick and vomity 'cause she might get so turned off that she won't want to be with him. He tells her he really wants to be with her - now that Kelly is temporarily off the market - and the two clutch hands and stare solemnly into each other's eyes.
The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet that Kelly and Matt have been hitting the sheets, and attributes their sack action to the genius of his Art of the Pick-up techniques. A few seconds later, a uniformed man enters the newsroom to deliver a stack of subpoenas to Steve. Looks like his disgruntled Art of the Pick-up pupils are taking him to small claims court to get their $250 back. Haha! David, meanwhile, arrives with a box full of Art of the Pick-up videotapes. When he sees the subpoenas, he confirms to Steve that he didn't notice any of the pupils scoring with a woman. He, on the other hand, had success after using "the grandma approach" on a woman named Gertrude, who was clearly too dimwitted to see through such brazen nonsense. Steve perks up and says he considers that to be an Art of the Pick-up success story.
Donna tells Noah that her parents are going on a barn raising tour of Amish country - cool! - which means she's going to have to check on the house while they're gone. Noah suggests they get some much needed privacy by house-sitting Casa Martin, but Donna says the idea of getting doinked in her childhood home is too freakish for her. Noah wistfully says he misses his boat and the way they used to skinny dip together...and Donna mulls over that disturbing visual and points out that her parents do have a swimming pool with very high fencing around it, then barks, "Pack a bag!"
At the mall, Kelly informs Matt that she bought an extra toothbrush for future sleepovers...and he flatly says, "Oh. Great" just as one of his clients, Brian, ambles over to say hey. Matt introduces Kelly as his "friend", which causes her to visibly deflate. After Brian is sent upstairs to wait in Matt's office, Steve struts over with his stack of subpoenas. Matt looks them over and informs him that small claims court doesn't allow defendants to bring lawyers in with them, but suggests he turn the case into the most embarrassing spectacle possible by bringing the matter to Judge Mary, a TV reality show. Steve perks up at the prospect of making a giant arse of himself on national television, then gets all cocky about what he assumes will be his big win in court.
Now Wear This. Kelly tells Donna she's doinked Matt twice, but is worried that he's on the verge of dumping her 'cause of how unenthused he was when she told him about the extra toothbrush, and that he just introduced her to a client as his "friend". Donna urges her to play it cool, then laments how much she misses the excitement of having a new boyfriend. She abruptly decides she'd like to host a barbecue at Casa Martin while she and Noah are house-sitting, and invites Kelly and her plus one (assuming he doesn't dump her in the meantime).
Beach house. Gina prepares a spaghetti dinner for Dylan, but he just picks at it and says he's not hungry. Gina gets angry and snarks at him for being wasted...and when he reaches out for her hand, she snaps, "Don't touch me!" and orders him to leave. He sighs wearily and slouches out of the apartment.
David is out to dinner with Gertrude. She gabbles to him about her job at the community center and that, like him, a lot of the kids who hang out at the center have no parents. She suddenly brightens and asks David if he'd be willing to talk to the kids and become a grown orphan role model for them, and he's like, "Er...OK. Sure."
Dylan gets stopped by two policemen while riding his motorcycle. They points their guns at him and order him off the bike, then inform him that last night there was a report of a break-in by a slouchster madman riding a motorcycle with this license plate number. When the cops do a quick search of his bike, they find his bag o' heroin and promptly arrest him. Yippee! Lock him up and throw away the key, I beg of you.
Donna and Noah are at Casa Martin...and just as they're about to get it on, a couple of workmen suddenly appear carrying a roll of carpet. They explain that they somehow have the run of the house to replace all the carpets, and that the pool area also can't be accessed because of some unspecified harmful fumes. It's interesting that Felice never mentioned any of this when she asked Donna to look in on the house during their Amish country vacay.
Gina visits Dylan in jail and stares at him sadly through the glass partition. He orders her to call Matt, drag his ass down here, and get him outa this hellhole. She glares at the uppity prick and retorts, "Why? So you can score?" and he's like, "Well d'yuh" and says he has zero desire to go through heroin withdrawal while in the clink.
Steve and the unhappy plaintiffs appear on Judge Mary. The plaintiff's main complaint is that after paying $250 to attend Steve's Art of the Pick-up seminar, which came with a satisfaction guarantee, they were unable to seduce women. Judge Mary chides the men for being gullible morons and shelling out money for such an obvious scam, then asks if this guarantee was in writing. Someone produces a copy of the flyer, and indeed the dumb thing includes the phrase "satisfaction guaranteed".
Kelly drops by Matt's office to suggest that they take a weekend trip to Santa Barbara, but he declines and says he's too busy with work to go out of town. Gina suddenly bursts in to inform Matt that Dylan was arrested for trespassing on the Marchette estate. Kelly stares at her blankly and says, "Marchette is dead" and Gina's like, "Duh" and snarkishly asks her why she never passed along this information to Dylan. Good question. I'm also wondering why this is the first viewers are hearing of Marchette's dramatic suicide, considering it must have occurred around the middle of Season 6. Kelly lamely says she thought Dylan knew, then gets all defensive about how anything related to Toni was always "off limits". Gina turns back to Matt and starts to tell him about Dylan's heroin use, but then pauses - and when Kelly stares at her expectantly and goes, "What? Spit it out!" Gina snappishly retorts that this really has nothing to do with her, so could she kindly get the hell out so she can talk to Dylan's lawyer in private? After Kelly poutishly slinks out of the office, Gina tells Matt that when Dylan was arrested, the cops found a bag o' heroin in his possession...and Matt refrains from moaning, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck."
Judge Mary watches a portion of Steve's The Art of the Pick-up videotape and looks less than impressed - unlike Steve, who mugs for the camera like the clown the writers have been slowly transforming him into and tells viewers it's available for just $29.95. Judge Mary barks at the bailiff to hit the stop button, then admonishes Steve for using her reality show to peddle his shitty wares. Janet has become so mortified by the absurdity of this storyline that she tries to sneak out of the courtroom - but is stopped by the judge and ordered to answer a few questions. She's forced to admit that her role (as a girl swooning over Steve's pick-up lines) in the video was entirely scripted. A few minutes later, David comes to the rescue as Steve's "star witness" and testifies that he was able to successfully hit on a girl using Steve's recommended "grandma approach".
Jail. Matt solemnly tells Dylan he could be looking at serious prison time...and Dylan, who's hunched over in a ready-to-vomit position, dismissively says, "Make it go away" and asks if pleading guilty would help matters. Matt cautions him against doing that, since he might not be able to make bail. He informs him that the arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow morning, but Dylan says there's no way can he make it through another night being locked up. Matt promises to do his best to get him out on bail asap, but makes it clear that he needs to go straight to rehab. As he gathers up his papers and heads out, Gina enters the room and hugs Dylan...and as they're hugging, he whispers to her where he has his heroin stash hidden, then begs her to smuggle it to him. She shoots him a WTF? glare and refuses to do it, and he scrunches his face in misery and wails, "I won't make it in here!" then doubles over as if he's about to hurl. What a pathetic, slouchy mess he is. Gina sticks to her guns (for the moment, anyway) and firmly repeats, "I can't."
Steve makes his closing remarks to Judge Mary, which include a soliloquy about the sad, lonely world they live in and that his only crime was trying to pass along his nonexistent wisdom about women in order to improve the lives of lonely young men. Judge Mary wryly says she's ready to make her judgement, then rules in favor of the plaintiffs. Haha!
Noah suggests to Donna that they romp in her parents' bedroom - but she doesn't like that idea, 'cause of how completely gross that would be on every level. She also doesn't want to have sex in her childhood bedroom 'cause she doesn't want to subject her teddy bear to the horror of watching her bump uglies. She says it would be OK to get busy in the hallway, and Noah is totes down with that...but when he presses her against the wall for a some smoochy foreplay, he inadvertently sets off the burglar alarm.
Beach house. Kelly tells Matt that Dylan never really got closure after Toni's death 'cause he left L.A. the day after her funeral, blah blah. Incidentally, I wonder what ever happened to the tiny black kitty named Trouble he took with him that day. Matt informs her that if all goes well, Dylan will be out on bail tomorrow...and she visibly perks up at that news and asks for all the deets. Matt looks perturbed by her obvious enthusiasm for Dylan's impending freedom and clams up...so she assures him that nothing is going on between her and the Slouchster and adds that she's not sure whaddup with their budding romance. Matt just shrugs and says he thinks it's going great...but when she reminds him that he introduced her to his client as a "friend", he decides to finally put an end to the ambiguous status of their hookup. He heads out to the patio and shouts to whoever has the misfortune of being within hearing range, "Kelly Taylor is my girlfriend!" Kelly giggles and gives him a happy smooch...and, nope, still no chemistry there.
A police officer warns Donna that this is the fourth false alarm the Martin residence has set off this month and urges her to be more careful. A few seconds after the cops leave, Noah offers to take Donna to dinner, then opens the front door, accidentally setting off the alarm again. Womp womp!
Dylan calls Gina from jail to tell her that his arraignment is at 10am tomorrow...and that he's in desperate need of some smack to take the edge off. He fake promises he'll go to rehab as soon as he makes bail, then throws her a bone by cooing about how great they could be together. A guard barks at Dylan that his time on the pay phone is up, and Dylan lays a guilt trip on Gina about how he hopes he didn't waste his only phone call. Gina refrains from calling him out for his manipulative bullcack and just stares contemplatively into space.
Donna and Noah are skinny dipping and smooching in the Martin's pool when Kelly arrives with groceries for the barbecue. She chats with them for a few minutes before noticing the lack of bathing suits, and asks, "Are you naked?!" When Donna blushingly nods, Kelly hightails it in the house to unpack the groceries.
When Dylan is released on bail he asks Matt where Gina is, and Matt's like, "Dunno" and says their first stop on the sobriety tour will be a barbecue at Casa Martin. After that, it's off to rehab he goes. Again. Dylan scoffs at the notion of getting a handle on his drug problems and dickishly says if he wants to get high, no one's gonna stop him. Matt rolls his eyes and says he's nothing more than a weak addict, and that he shouldn't think of himself to be "a special case" just 'cause he's rich. Hee! You go, Matt. He also makes it clear that if he ends up in jail for something else in the near future, he can find himself another lawyer. Dylan finally looks suitably contrite and agrees to go with him to the barbecue.
Kelly and Donna are putting out the food when Dylan and Matt arrive. Dylan mumblingly asks where the nearest bathroom is...and when Donna points at the pool house, he mopishly slouches off towards it. Kelly remarks on how terrible he looks - just as Steve struts over and brags about his awesome appearance on Judge Mary. Despite losing the case, he's thrilled he was able to squeeze in some free advertising for his new Art of the Pick-up video. At some point, Steve is going to need to be put down.
When Gina enters the kitchen, Kelly asks her if she's going to fill her in on the Dylan Situation...and Gina mulls that over for a few seconds and snaps, "No." LOL. The rest of the gang, meanwhile, settles into the living room to watch the Steve episode of Judge Mary.
Dylan staggers out of the pool house and spots Gina standing near the pool. She tells him she went by his apartment as ordered and retrieved his heroin stash...and he's like, "Woo hoo!" and violently searches her pockets during an obligatory hug. When he roughly rips the small bag o' heroin out of her pants pocket, she glares at him in disgust and snaps, "I really hate you."
Gertrude arrives for the barbecue and ambles into the living room where everyone's watching Judge Mary...and by scripted coincidence, she happens to catch the part where David is testifying about how he used "the grandma approach" to successfully pick up a girl at a bar. When David notices her standing there and sees the appalled look on her face, he assures her he likes her a lot and begs her to give him another chance, but she refuses and storms out of the house. Oh well. I guess that's that.
Dylan runs past the pool as he chases after Gina, who haughtily informs Donna that she's leaving. In his drugged out haze, Dylan stumbles over his feet and flails his arm about, accidentally striking Donna. This causes her to fall backwards, smack her ginormous head on the concrete deck, and land in the pool. Dylan collapses onto a lounger, too zonked to realize what he's just done. Fortunately (well...for Donna), Steve and David emerge from the house, notice Donna's lifeless body floating face down in the pool, and leap into the water to fish her out. They bark at Dylan to call 911, but by this time he's barely conscious. Janet comes outside to see what all the commotion is about, then runs back in the house to call 911...and when Noah gets wind of what just happened, he races over to where Donna's laying, checks her pulse, and starts administering CPR.
Recap: Gina and Dylan are sitting at a table in the After Dark, sucking face and doing some kind of weird role-play, pretending as though they just met each other for the first time. Gina suddenly gets cold and puts on Dylan's jacket, and is aghast when she finds a bag o' heroin in one of the pockets. David, meanwhile, is in his DJ booth, gabbling about what a date-less loser he is and invites his listeners to call him with suggestions as to how he can meet Ms. Right. That's...pretty fucking pathetic, Davey. Janet complains to Steve, Donna, and Noah about how pushy some men are when they're hitting on girls, and Noah explains that it's sometimes hard for guys to make the first move. A few seconds later, they all notice Gina storming out of the club and Dylan running out after her, and quietly mull over that spectacle. Apropos of nothing, Steve declares that he's mastered "the art of the pick-up" and brags that he could practically teach a class in it. Noah jokes that that dumb idea sounds like it could be a money-maker...and Steve perks up and goes, "It does, doesn't it?" No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't.
The Walsh house. After a sumptuous dinner, Kelly tells Matt how impressed she is with his cooking skills, then gives him a long smooch. He tries to usher her upstairs - but she looks uneasy and says it's still weird for her to be all canoodley at Casa Walsh with someone who's not Brandon. She begs him not to hate her...and he assures her he doesn't, then announces that he's going to put on a pot of coffee.
Dylan finds Gina sitting on his stoop looking sad. She tells him she has zero desire to date a druggie...and he mumbles something incoherent, then pulls out the bag o' heroin from his pocket. He says that part of him is glad she found it and urges her to follow him into the bathroom, where he empties the heroin down the toilet and flushes it away. Gina buys his horseshit and beams happily as he envelops her in a hug.
Beach house. Kelly is gabbling to Donna about how bad she feels that Matt has to deal with her obnoxious love triangle, Dylan/Brandon baggage, when Gina bursts in and remarks on all the traffic she encountered while driving home from Dylan's place. As Kelly scrunches her face in jealous annoyance, Donna defuses the situation by urging her to go see Matt and quickly shoves her out the door. She then directs her attention to Gina and reminds her that they haven't had a chance to debrief since she blurted out all that harsh 'I hate you' stuff during her birthday party, and Gina breezily tells her she said a bunch of stuff she doesn't mean (even though she clearly really does mean it), and has to bounce 'cause she's suddenly a personal trainer and has an appointment with her first client: Felice.
The Beverly Beat. Steve has decided to bring his boneheaded idea of teaching hapless men The Art of the Pick-up to fruition, and somehow believes it is reasonable to charge each pupil $250 for the privilege of listening to his worthless nonsense. Janet rolls her eyes derisively as David enters the newsroom and chuckles over Steve's over-the-top ad for the seminar. Steve then asks him if he wouldn't mind recording the seminar so he can increase his revenue by selling The Art of the Pick-up videotapes. OK. I think we have officially reached the point at which the Beverly Hills, 90210 writers stopped phoning it in and just began scribbling nonsensical plot ideas on scrap paper and then snail mailed them to the set.
Gina is training Felice with hand weight exercises, then gets her to do some arm stretching. The two talk about Gina's figure skating career, and Felice grumbles about how she wishes her flaky daughter would commit herself to a long-term goal. She then complains about what a giant douchetard Noah is, and that she's pretty sure Donna chooses her boyfriends based on how much their coupling will annoy her...though, in fairness, Felice's uppity-ness probably makes it near impossible to avoid annoying her in the mate-choosing department. She changes the subject and tells Gina she's been invited to a luncheon hosted by the editor of George Magazine - JFK Jr.! - and has two tickets. She says she was planning to invite Donna, but Gina fake gossips about how she heard Donna make snarky remarks about the luncheon - which, of course, angers Felice, so she haughtily retorts, "In that case, I'd prefer to take you instead!" She offers Gina the extra ticket, which Gina is more than happy to snap up.
The Walsh house. Kelly drops by to sheepishly apologize to Matt for all of her man baggage problems, and he's like, "Er...OK" just as a woman emerges from the kitchen to announce that their soufflé is rising. As Kelly scrunches her face in confusion, Matt explains that the woman, Marissa, is here to give him cooking lessons. Kelly continues to look weirded out and says she should probably go...and Matt hastily assures her that Marissa is just a friend and adds that he wishes she had wanted to stay over last night.
Donna and Noah go on a double date with Gina and Dylan to a museum exhibit. Gina tries to sound nonchalant as she tells Donna that Felice gave her a ticket to attend the George Magazine luncheon, and Donna furrows her brows and looks miffed at Felice's overt snub. Dylan, meanwhile, is in the bathroom snorting heroin, then staggers out and over to where Gina is admiring a painting, and starts acting all weird. He gets really touchy feely with her and magnanimously offers to buy her any painting she wants, so she reminds the drugged out moron that this is a museum opening, not an art store. Across the room, Noah is shaking his head disapprovingly and telling Donna that Dylan is out of control...much like the obnoxious, drunken way he behaved shortly after his dad shot his head off. Gina stares at a messy looking painting called Tropical Tension, then reads aloud from the information card that it's on loan to the museum from the Marchette Collection. Uh oh. Dylan's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" and starts to wig out at the mention of Marchette, then stomps off. When Gina looks at Donna in puzzlement, Donna explains that Anthony Marchette is the man who [unwittingly] killed Dylan's wife [of five minutes] ... and Gina and Noah cluck sympathetically and coo, "Oooooh."
Dylan lays in bed, sweatily twitching. I guess he didn't snort enough heroin in the bathroom earlier. Gina assumes he's sick and in need of a doctor, then tells him that Donna told him about Anthony Marchette and expresses her condolences. He insists he's fine and kisses her - and she suddenly shoves him away from her and asks him if he's doing heroin again...and if so, does he use needles? He gets irked and barks no!, reminds her that they've never raw-dogged it in the sack, then snaps, "Is the interrogation over?!" Gina snaps back, "It's over! And so are we!" and storms out of the house. Sounds like a win-win type breakup, short-lived though it ends up being.
Now Wear This. Kelly has been noticing a lot of leggy women heading upstairs to Matt's office, and sadly tells Donna she thinks it's a sign that Matt is moving on. David drops by the store to ask Kelly if she'd be willing to give his radio show listeners some on-air relationship advice, then mentions that he has plans later to videotape Steve while he teaches his Art of the Pick-up seminar. Kelly and Donna chuckle at the hilarity of Steve thinking he has any business teaching anyone anything, and agree that they're going to need to sneak into that seminar so they can enjoy some much needed comic relief.
Dylan arrives at the graveyard clutching a bouquet of flowers to lay on Toni's grave, then has another flashback of her murder, and his hostile encounter with Tony during the funeral. He goes to where her grave is/should be and is befuddled when he sees that it's not there anymore. He marches over to the office, bursts in on some poor administrator, and demands to know whassup with his wife's disappeared grave. The bewildered man looks up Toni's name on his computer and tells Dylan that her family hasn't released that information, and Dylan snarls, "I am her family." He grabs the administrator by the collar and gets all in his face, but the frightened man just stares at him wide-eyed and says he has no further information.
The Peach Pit. Donna and Kelly enter the diner and run into a morose looking Gina. They tell her they came by to eavesdrop on Steve's seminar next door and invite her to tag along, but Gina just shrugs and says she has no interest in that. She offers to give Donna her George Magazine luncheon ticket, then can't help herself from stirring the pot by remarking on all the bitchy things Felice is always saying about her, hastily adding, "I always defend you." Donna contorts her face into an expression of poutish hurt, but is forced to put a pin in Gina's mindfuckery when Kelly grabs her and steers her over to the After Dark so they can have a good laugh at Steve.
Kelly and Donna sneak into the DJ booth and watch as Steve schools a group of halfwitted men who were dumb enough to shell out $250 to learn his 'tricks of the pick-up trade'. Steve plays a video in which Noah and Matt offer their words of wisdom regarding scoring with women...and Matt is seen discussing the merits of coming onto women in a more understated way, such as cooking her a nice meal. Kelly looks aghast and furrows her brows in irritation.
Beach house. Dylan is slumped on a lounger on the patio when Gina exits the apartment to head to a training appointment. She tells him he needs to go 'cause she's meeting a client - but he just mumbles about how he went to the cemetery and learned that his wife's grave has been moved. Gina sits beside him and does her best to comfort him as he swigs from a beer bottle and wails, "They took her from meeee. I can't believe it's happening again!" OK, well...I can't believe we have to watch yet another of your drug-and-alcohol-induced downward spirals after suffering through your endless substance abuse debauchery during the first half of Season 5. Get your fucking shit together already, you self-destructive slouchy assbag.
Kelly bursts into Matt's office and tells him they need to talk...and by talk she means snark at him about all the good looking women who have been streaming through his office all damn day. He explains that the women are actually going to the new nail salon next door, and Kelly looks sheepish and flatly goes, "Oh" - instead of, "Oops! Sorry about that." She tells him she saw him talking on Steve's video [which, pathetically enough, will feature a video within a video once the dumb thing is released on videotape] about how cooking a nice meal for a woman is a well proven technique to get her in the sack. She says she hates what how "thought out" it is, but he deftly avoids any further bickering by kissing her hand...and Kelly promptly forgets what she was irked about and leans in for a smooch.
After Dark. Steve is now playing a portion of another video for his pupils in which he flirts with Janet by tearfully telling her about his poor grandmother, whose illness caused him to be sent to an orphanage. As he fake cries, Janet pretends to be sympathetic about his implausible childhood trauma. Steve tells his pupils that this is "the grandma approach".
Beach house. Donna razzes Noah about participating in Steve's boneheaded video, then shows him she's totes A-OK with it by giving him a big smooch. Felice drops by with Gina, who's wearing a very Jackie O style fur trimmed outfit that Felice bought her for the upcoming luncheon. Seems like a very warm and wooly ensemble for L.A., but whatevs. Donna apologizes to Gina for getting dragged into her nasty family drama with her nasty mother...and Gina pretends to be put off by the hostility between the two and offers to give up her ticket. Felice admonishes Donna for ruining their lovely afternoon, and Gina puts on a faux sad face and covertly tells Donna she feels soooo bad about coming between her and her mother.
That evening, Steve steers his male pupils into the After Dark to try out the pick-up techniques they learned in his seminar. He bellows, "Go get some!" as the guys stare around in bewilderment and nervously twitch. LOL. Inside the DJ booth, David and Kelly take calls from listeners who are seeking love connection advice. Kelly emphasizes to the female callers to go slow when considering hitting the sheets with a guy [especially the boneheads currently trolling at the After Dark] ... and while that's happening, Steve's pupils are getting slapped and shot down by the women they're attempting to flirt with. Steve races over to the booth and chides Kelly for "killing him" with her go slow sack time advice.
Later, Kelly asks Matt to dance and tells him she's OK with not going slow...and that it was just advice she was giving to couples who don't know each other very well. He and his penis perk up, and Kelly presses herself against him for an intense smooch.
Dylan is staggering down a dark road, looking to purchase a gun. What a hot mess he is.
Beach house. Kelly and Matt are amorously going at it. They stumble into her bedroom, strip off their clothes, and hit the sheets.
David's apartment. The next morning, Steve grumbles to David about how Kelly acted like such a schoolmarm on his radio show, urging women to go slow...and David agrees that it doesn't look like any of the pupils got lucky. He then picks up Dylan's jacket to move it out of the way and is startled when a gun falls out of the side pocket. He's all, "Wha-a?!" and storms over to Dylan's room, kicks him awake, and says he doesn't want guns in his house - largely 'cause of the time he himself went squirrelly after getting mugged at the ATM and accidentally shot Noah's friend during the Ricochet episode. Dylan irritably mumbles that the gun will be out of the apartment by tomorrow, then slouches out of the room.
After Dark. Kelly drives Matt to the After Dark so he can retrieve his car. She invites him to go to breakfast with her, but he tells her he has too much work to do and promises to call her later. Kelly natters about how she really did mean it when she was advising women to take things slow, then says she really likes him and wants to "do this right". Matt's like, "Er...OK" and says he thought last night was "pretty right". Ugh. These two are the most chemistry-free couple the show has seen since Brandon and Susan Keats hooked up.
Beach house. Gina and Donna discuss Felice's general cuntiness, and Donna says she hasn't called to apologize for the way she snarked at her yesterday - not that she expects her to, since usually she criticizes her, then acts as if nothing has happened. Gina asks her if the two of them are OK, and Donna assures her they are, particularly now that she's under the [false] impression that Gina repeatedly stands up for her against Felice. After Donna heads out, Gina immediately gets on the horn with Felice and apologizes for Donna's behavior yesterday, shuddering as she calls it "soooo embarrassing".
After Dark. David decides to try out Steve's pick-up techniques and approaches a pretty blonde girl at the bar...but she just rolls her eyes at him and strolls off. Haha! A few seconds later, Steve sits beside him, and the two discuss Dylan and wonder how worried they should be about him being in possession of a gun. Um, probably a lot. A few seconds later, Steve's pupils stream inside the club and make a beeline over to Steve to tell him that they're dissatisfied with his class and want their money back. Haha! David, meanwhile, is attempting "the grandma approach" with a cute curly-haired brunette, and somehow she falls for his schtick and gives him a comforting hug.
The Walsh house. Kelly drops by after being summoned by Matt. She sheepishly apologizes for nattering nonsensically in the car that morning, and explains that she was feeling nervous and insecure. He assures her it's all good, then suggests they order in dinner so it doesn't look like he's using any kind of technique to get her in the sack. The two start smooching, and this time she urges him to follow her upstairs for some lovin', which he's more than happy to do.
David's apartment. Gina sternly tells Dylan he needs to stop doing drugs, like pronto. He mutters, "I know", then glances around shiftily, covertly ensures that his new gun is tucked into his pants, and says he's on his way out to see about his late wife's grave.
That can't be good.
Recap: Kelly, Donna, and Gina are on their way to the boutique, chatting about the upcoming 'Fight AIDS Charity Dance-a-thon' at the After Dark. Kelly laughingly remarks on what a shitty dancer Matt is, and Gina perks up at that and asks, "You're not going with Dylan?" and Kelly says no. For some reason, Gina fibs and says she's going to the dance-a-thon with David - just as the new security guard, Stewart, ambles over to say hey. Donna explains to the gals that the jewelry store in the mall just got robbed, hence the added security. Gina says that the gangbangettes are probably responsible for the break-in and snarkishly tells Donna they need to do a better job of keeping those hooligans away from their merchandise. Donna argues that Sonia is doing great, then tells viewers that she employed her at Now Wear This so she could work off the money she cost them when she sliced up a dress during the previous episode. Dylan appears out of nowhere and invites Kelly to breakfast, but she declines and says they're too busy with the Christmas rush. Donna assures her it's totes OK if she bails on them, and Gina cheekily offers to take Kelly's place and have breakfast with Slouchy. Kelly sarcastically coos, "You are sooo thoughtful" then tells Dylan she's definitely in. After they leave, Gina grumbles that Kelly doesn't appreciate all the work she puts in at the store - but Donna insists that they're both very appreciative of her retail help during the holiday season. When they open up the store, they're shocked to find Sonia and a guy named Tony camped out in sleeping bags on the floor. When Donna's all, "Wha-a-at's going on here?" Sonia springs to her feet and earnestly explains that there was nowhere else for them to go.
Dylan takes Kelly to the airport and tells her they're jetting off to Cabo San Lucas for some huevos rancheros. He points at the small plane they'll be taking, and she giggles with delight.
Donna makes Sonia promise that there won't be anymore incidents at the store with the gangbangettes. Gina rolls her eyes in disgust at her lax attitude, then smirkingly asks her what Noah has planned for her birthday. Donna says she doesn't know, and that he's probably forgotten all about it, it being on Christmas Day and all. One of the gangbangettes suddenly storms into the boutique, gets all in Sonia's face, and barks, "Didn't I warn you about Tony?!" and Sonia pleads, "Not here!" The gangbangette shrieks, "He's mine!" and pulls out a knife, then says if she doesn't stop messing with Tony she'll be kicked out of the gang and very possibly end up in a body bag. Stewart ambles in and asks if there's a problem here, but then stares on uselessly as the gangbangette waves her knife and yells, "Body bag!" at a quivering Sonia.
Cabo. Dylan and Kelly are sitting on an outdoor patio, chowing down on their heuvos rancheros. She asks him why he brought her to Mexico, and he says he's curious to know where he stands with her. (That doesn't really answer her question, but OK.) She's like, "I dunno" and tells him she's been seeing Matt...and Dylan pulls the plug on anymore relationship talk and suggests they just enjoy a fun day in Cabo.
The Peach Pit. Matt advises Steve against publishing a celebrity news story he just paid $2,000 for 'cause he could end up with another lawsuit. Steve says it takes money to make money and anticipates that the salacious story will yield a good return for the Beat. Janet wearily points out that respectable newspapers don't buy their stories...but since Steve has long given up on living his life with any kind of respectability, he just shrugs in complete indifference. Noah comes over and asks Steve if he'd be interested in forking over a donation to the Fight AIDS dance-a-thon and make the Beat an official sponsor of the event...and Steve mulls that over, decides it would probably be a good opportunity to network among rich Hollywood types, and agrees to donate $1,000.
Cabo. Dylan and Kelly are ambling around a flea market. They try on silly hats, and then Dylan buys a small sculpture and gives it to Kelly to hold onto while he excuses himself to transact with his drug supplier. When he returns, he covertly slips the heroin inside the sculpture and makes a point of telling Kelly that religious artifacts don't have to be declared at the border. I highly doubt that's true, but then I'm a recapper not a U.S./Mexico Border Inspection expert.
David is the official DJ for the dance-a-thon ('cause who else but David is capable of MCing?), and publicly thanks The Beverly Beat for sponsoring $12,000 in the fight against AIDS. Steve pales and is all, "Wuh?" then rushes over to the booth to tell David there must be a mistake. He says he only agreed to pledge $1,000, so David explains that he pledged $1,000 per hour of dancing, and Steve looks confused, and then aghast at the misunderstanding that would have been easy enough for Noah to have clarified when Steve had agreed to pledge $1,000. David pretends to not notice his freakout, and Janet just stares into space looking increasingly despondent.
In the mall, Noah and Gina are discussing Donna's surprise birthday plans, blah blah, and then she tells him that a gangbangette pulled a knife on them this morning. Noah's all, "Wuh?" and rushes over to the store to ask Donna if she's OK, and she assures him she's fine. He tells her they can't afford to have gang problems over the holidays, since it's their most profitable time of year...then turns to Sonia and tells her to do Donna a favor and take a hike. Sonia looks sad but agrees to leave, and Noah insists to a dismayed Donna that canning Sonia is best for everyone. Not sure where he gets off firing Donna's employee, but she just stands there mutely and doesn't utter a peep in Sonia's defence.
Kelly and Dylan return to the beach house with bags of Mexican souvenirs. They laugh about the awesome day they just had, then press up against each other and start smooching. When Matt phones to see whassup, Kelly fibs and tells him she spent the day shopping with a friend...and while she's doing that, Dylan covertly pulls the bag o' heroin out of the sculpture and shoves it into his pocket. Kelly tells Matt they're still on for the dance-a-thon, and Dylan stands behind her and tries to distract her by nuzzling her neck. When she hangs up the phone, he smugly tells her he likes that she lied to Matt...but Kelly says she isn't happy 'bout that and insists she really cares for the hapless dolt.
Now Wear This. Gina makes snarkish remarks to Kelly for ditching work all day yesterday so she could lollygag in Mexico. She pretends to not see Matt enter the store and loudly asks how long it took her to travel to Mexico, then looks faux surprised when Matt scrunches his face in confusion and goes, "Huh? Mexico?" Kelly admits that, yep, she went to Mexico with Dylan yesterday, and Matt looks hurt about being lied to and quickly hightails it back to his office. Kelly glares at Gina, who's smugly smirking to herself.
After Dark. Janet urges Steve to withdraw the $12,000 pledge he unwittingly made, but Steve refuses 'cause he doesn't want to look grinchy in front of the other sponsors. He points out Muntz (and his wife Julie) and tells Janet he'd like to sponsor them for the dance-a-thon 'cause of how fat and out of shape Muntz is...meaning it's unlikely he'll last on the dance floor for more than a couple of hours. But when he goes over to chat with Muntz, he learns that Muntz has embarked on a healthy living campaign, lost thirty pounds, and he and Julie have been working with a trainer to get in shape for the dance-a-thon. Womp womp!
Gina drops by Casa David...and when Dylan answers the door, she pretends she's looking for David. She asks him if he's going to Donna's birthday party, then snarks, "How was Mexico?" ... and when he declines to answer, she asks him if he's entering the dance-a-thon. He says he isn't, but that he overheard her tell Donna and Kelly that she's going with David, and this makes her wince sheepishly. David arrives home with a bag full of Chinese food, and Dylan tells him that Gina really wants to go to the dance-a-thon with him...even though he's MCing and won't actually be dancing. David refrains from pointing any of this out and is just like, "Er, OK..?"
Now Wear This. Noah apologizes to Donna about kicking Sonia out of the store, but explains that he only did it to ensure her safety. Sonia suddenly bursts in and carries on about how one of the gangbangettes named Lucy is preggers with Tony's baby. She wails, "He was my ticket out!" Donna tells her to forget about the deadbeat, but Sonia explains that her master plan was for Tony to knock her up so she could escape gang life. Yikes. Sounds like an idea fraught with issues she hasn't even begun to think deeply enough about. Donna offers her her job back, which prompts Noah to be all, "Wha-a-a?"
The Peach Pit. Kelly enters the diner and seats herself beside Matt. She explains that Dylan surprised her with his breakfast invitation, and had no idea they'd end up in Mexico. A few seconds later, Dylan slouches into the diner and hovers over the two, causing Matt to finally hit his limit. He tells Kelly he's no longer OK with "playing backup" and refuses to compete with someone so moody and slouchy. He then starts rambling about how much he loooooves the cheap burritos at a dive called Tommy's Tacos, and doesn't feel the need to fly to Mexico just to order a meal. After that, he gets his coffee to go and huffily exits the diner. Kelly shakes her head at Dylan and mutters, "I can't do this now" and rushes out after Matt. Gina, who has been sitting at a nearby table watching the embarrassing spectacle, shoots Dylan a smug grin. He lurches over to her table and says he's decided to move on from his Kelly fixation and invites her out for dinner. When he asks her what kind of food she likes, she chirps, "I like to fly!" ... and he perks up at the thought of smuggling in another heroin fix from Mexico and goes, "So do I."
After spending the evening in Mexico, Gina and Dylan return to the boutique, where - ack! -Donna and Kelly are dealing with the aftermath of a robbery. Kelly glances over at Gina and notices that she's holding a religious artifact similar to the one Dylan bought her a day earlier. Gina places it on the counter, and Dylan stares at it longingly 'cause it's probably safe to assume it's stuffed with heroin...but he doesn't seem to want to risk the police seeing him extract his bag of drugs out of it, so he's forced to leave it behind.
Kelly assures Matt that nothing happened between her and Dylan in Mexico, and that there's not going to be a next time. She wants to start seeing him again, but Matt says he's worried that Dylan might swoop in again with one of his grand gestures, which he can't compete with. Kelly assures him he doesn't need to compete, then urges him to enter the dance-a-thon with her. He laughs and warns her how terrible a dancer he is, and she promises to wear protective shoes.
Dance-a-thon. Steve urges the Muntzes to throw in the towel at the first sign of fatigue, but the two look fired up and ready to dance the night away. LOL. Noah and Gina go over the last minute details of Donna's birthday surprise - bo-ring - and David kicks off the dance marathon by introducing Brian Setzer (the lead guy from the Stray Cats!) and his awesome orchestra. We then get a lot of superfluous footage of people boogying.
Dylan is skulking around the mall, staring desperately at the sculpture inside Now Wear This. Unfortunately for him, the police are still hanging around investigating the crime scene, so he refrains from making a move.
Three hours later, the dance-a-thon has raised $24,000 for the fight against AIDS. Steve pours the Muntzes a pair of stiff drinks in the hopes that they'll get too drunk to continue dancing.
As Stewart locks up the boutique, Dylan creepily watches from a dark corner.
Donna tells Noah she's worried about Sonia and her gang problems, then hints that she's bummed he forgot about her birthday. Noah ushers her toward the Peach Pit, giving her the excuse he wants to take her someplace quiet, then turns the lights on as her cast mates yell, "Surprise!" Donna beams happily, then hugs Noah and gushes, "I love you!" A giant cake is wheeled over, and Donna stares at it in a bemused way, then shrugs off whatever was bothering her about it and blows out the candles. An irked looking Noah pulls Gina into the back room and snarks about his how disappointed in her he is, then reminds her that Donna is allergic to chocolate and won't be able to eat her own birthday cake.
Nope. Sorry, continuity challenged writers...but Donna is not allergic to chocolate. I doubted it so much I went so far as to do a chocolate keyword search of my past recaps and came up with two pieces of evidence that I believe refute this alleged allergy:
Ahn-drea and Donna are the only two who have shown up to the pretend sorority meeting, and they're enjoying chocolate milkshakes.
David lets himself in the apartment and bellows, "Happy Valentine's Day!" and enters Donna's room with roses, chocolates, and a teddy bear. Donna gives him a thank you kiss, then asks him to put the roses in some water...so David and Clare head off to the kitchen and discuss how alarmed they are at Donna's withdrawal from the world.
So there. In hindsight, you maybe should have gone with a nut allergy instead.
Gina gets angry and snarks back that she doesn't exist to serve Donna - yet her whole life has been "Donna this, Donna that". In the midst of railing about Donna, Donna suddenly appears in the doorway and overhears her, then contorts her ginormous face into a look of shocked poutishness and tells Gina she had no idea she hated her this much. Everyone hates you, Donna. With the intensity of a thousand suns. Gina's like, "Um, d'yuh" and says it's been super shitty to eat her crumbs all these years, then self-piteously complains that no one has ever thrown her a surprise birthday party. OK, well...I'm not a Donna fan, but that probably has a lot to do with Gina's chronic bitchiness and subsequent lack of friends.
After Dark. A sweaty, twitchy, heroin craving Dylan tries to convince Kelly to go back to the boutique with him so he can retrieve something he desperately needs. Kelly is annoyed that he's bugging her after taking Gina to Mexico, and Matt is annoyed that she's even talking to the Slouchster. Kelly snarks, "It's over!" then storms away...and is dismayed when she sees that a fed up Matt has found another woman to dance with.
Gina is at the bar, drinking, when Dylan slouches over to her. She tells him she saw him fighting with Kelly, and he mumbles, "Kelly who?" and tells her he really really needs to get his hands on the Mayan sculpture she left in the boutique, 'cause it'll bring him luck. Gina buys his nonsensical excuse and agrees to let him into the store.
The dance-a-thon finally wraps up at daybreak. Everyone looks tired - except Muntz and Julie, who are still going strong...and Steve looks irked when the two are awarded the grand prize of $5,000, which they decline in favor of donating back to the charity. Kelly asks Matt if he would take her someplace, and he agrees and heads out with her. Janet tells Steve that because of his enforced generosity in donating $12,000 to the fight against AIDS, lots of other sponsors want to do business with the Beat...and during the dance-a-thon she was able to sell sell twice the normal amount of ad space. Steve's all, "Yay!" and the two start smooching.
Donna runs into Sonia in the After Dark parking lot...and she's all beaten up from the ass-kicking she just got from the gangbangettes during the process of booting her out of the gang. She tells Donna they had ordered her to rob the boutique, but Stewart beat her to it. Donna's all, "Wha-a? Stewart?" then apologizes to Sonia for doubting her.
Kelly gets Matt to take her to Tommy's Tacos, and the two enjoy cheap burritos and each other's company.
Dylan and Gina are in bed together, enjoying some post-coital afterglow. He puts a pin in the canoodling to lumber into the bathroom and take a hit of heroin.
Noah has another birthday present for Donna: lightly falling snow in the After Dark! He then presents her with a tacky piece of jewelry that his dad once gave to his mom...and she claps her hands together happily, kisses him, and the two finish up this pointless episode by dancing together underneath a fake snowfall.
Recap: Steve and David are hanging in Samantha's dressing room after a rehearsal of her new sitcom. David asks her if she'd be willing to give him a live air interview on his radio show, and she tells him she's flattered, but doesn't like the idea of being a spokesperson for the gay lifestyle. David's all, "Wuh?" 'cause I guess Steve didn't tell him about her startling confession during the previous episode. Samantha asks Steve if they can chat in private, then makes it clear that it's totes fine with her if he tells his friends about her newly proclaimed lesbianism. When she notices Steve's inability to stop cringing, she sadly asks him if he's ashamed of her...and Steve pretends he merely cares about protecting her privacy, but then stares into space with a stricken, holy-fucking-shit-my-ma's-gay expression on his face.
Matt is smoking (in that awkward way non-smokers smoke when they want to pretend they're smokers) and staring at Kelly as she rings up customers inside the boutique. He puts out his barely puffed cigarette, then enters the store to ask Kelly if she wants to go for a drive to look at Christmas lights - but before she can answer, she gets a call from Jackie, telling her that Grandpa is so sick with pneumonia that he's having trouble breathing. The doctors want to put him on a ventilator - which goes against his explicitly stated DNR request - but Kelly says she doesn't want him to suffer anymore and asks to speak with the doctor. He quickly explains the situation and tells her he needs a decision asap, so she caves and authorizes him to do whatever is necessary to prevent the poor man from passing away with a scrap of dignity.
Dylan goes to the auto storage facility where his Porsche has been sitting since Season 6. He takes off the tarp, washes off all the dust, then starts up the engine and squeals off.
Hospital. Kelly tells Donna that Grandpa has stabilized since being hooked up to the ventilator - but, according to the doctor, he could be in a semi-vegetative state indefinitely. Nice going, dumbasses. Kelly and Jackie stare at Grandpa through his room window, and Kelly sheepishly remarks how hard it would suck if he's forced to spend whatever time he has left with a tube down his throat. Well duh. Jackie assures her she did the right thing.
Now Wear This. Donna is helping a pretty blonde woman pick out several Donna Martin originals (bwahaha!) to try on when a teenager named Sonia enters the store, followed by a group of rowdy gangbangettes who pepper their conversation with a lot of "yos" and make hand signals at each other. Gina announces that they were just about to close for lunch, but Donna shuts her down, and then looks dismayed when the pretty blonde woman becomes so turned off by the presence of the gangbangettes that she hightails it out of the store without buying anything. When the gang departs a few minutes later, covertly shoplifting a pair of sunglasses on their way out, Gina tells Donna they should have closed the shop, then demonstrates one of the hand signals she saw the girls make and says it's obvious they're gang members. Donna bats her freakish Bambi eyes and puts on her meekest I'm-just-an-innocent-little-cherub-who-knows-nothing-of-L.A.'s-seedy-underbelly expression as she squeaks, "I didn't see it." A few seconds later, Sonia returns to the store with the stolen sunglasses and politely explains that they fell off of the display shelf while they were exiting.
The Beverly Beat. David excitedly announces that Samantha has agreed to the radio interview and tells Steve he should be proud of his ma for so bravely coming out. Steve dismissively calls her a flake, but is most troubled that she has a lover who's a chick named Linda. A few seconds later, he gets a phone call from The National Whisperer asking him to comment on his mom's sexual orientation, and Steve snarks at the reporter to get a life and then wails, "I was adopted!" Well...OK. But Samantha still raised you, idiot.
Matt runs into an old lawyer buddy at the hospital who's there to take a deposition for the tobacco company he represents. The buddy tells Matt he could use some help on the case if he's interested in earning a little cash. Kelly overhears the conversation and snarkishly asks Matt - in the usual judgey way she acts whenever he takes on a case that she finds to be morally suspect - if he's cutting a deal to work with a tobacco company. He's like, "Uh, maybe" and points out how hard it is for her to be impartial since her grandpa is dying of cigarette-related emphysema.
Dylan pulls up to the After Dark in his Porsche. A group of young men admire the car and gush about how beautiful it is...and Dylan mumblingly agrees, then slouches towards the club.
Gina asks Noah, who's tending bar for the evening, if he wants to go to a movie with her later, but he just kind of shrugs and says he's not into it. Dylan brusquely says, "He rejected you", and Gina pretends she's only interested in him as a friend...and Dylan smirks knowingly and barks, "Keep it that way." He then warns Noah to keep an eye on a drunk guy seated at the bar, 'cause he seems to have a short fuse and looks like he could be trouble. Sure enough, a few seconds later, Mr. Trouble turns his attention to Gina, notices her tattoo, and calls her a tattooed skank. She responds by throwing a drink in his face, which prompts Dylan to come to her aid and Noah to wave around a baseball bat to prevent any further rumbling. Mr. Trouble storms out of the club, while an aroused Gina gazes hungrily at Dylan. Unfortunately for Dylan, Mr. Trouble - who was one of the guys who was admiring his Porsche earlier - and his friends are in the parking lot, smashing up the car. Dylan races outside and is all, "Nooooo!", then pulls out a knife and says there's only one guy here who isn't afraid to die. Gina begs him to put the knife away, and Mr. Trouble and his friends fearfully scatter. Dylan growls at Gina to get away from his car, then stares despondently at the smashed windshield while flashing back to the episode when Toni was accidentally shot to death by her father's henchmen.
Dylan is working on his car at Casa David when Noah drops by and offers to help...but Dylan declines 'cause having two broody, alcoholic-prone, emotionally damaged men on the same show (much less in the same scene) is fast becoming redundant. Noah points out that there are holes in the upholstery of the Porsche's seats, and Dylan gets all prickly at the mention of the bullet holes and grumbles at him to take a hike.
Samantha is reading a tabloid rag (not the Beat) which features a snarkishly written story about her coming out. Steve enters her dressing room and calls the tabloid garbage while showing no sign that he grasps the irony of him being outraged at the fact that his mother's privacy has been violated via a trashy newspaper. Samantha asks him if he really told the reporter he was adopted and implied that she's not his real mother, and he doesn't answer and just starts whining about how weird it is for him to have to envision her sleeping with other women. Samantha explains to her horse's ass of a son that she always had feelings for women, but repeatedly squelched the desire to act on them. Steve implores her to continue squelching that desire, then despondently shuffles out of her dressing room. A few seconds later, Samantha gets word that her agent has just called an emergency meeting. Uh oh.
Matt is at the hospital working on his deposition, and is called scum by one of the nurses. Kelly overhears the insult and says she wishes he wasn't working on behalf of the tobacco company, then asks him if he thinks her grandpa is to blame for his emphysema. Matt's like, "Well d'yuh" and points out that there are warning labels on cigarette packages, then pulls out the package in his pocket to needlessly demonstrate that point. Kelly says she does not get the draw of cigarettes, then snarks that with this current deposition, he's defending his own destructive habit. Yep, there's irony abound in this episode. Matt just shrugs and says he's open to representing all kinds of clients, mostly 'cause he's broke as fuck.
Sonia returns to the boutique to check out a white dress that had caught her eye during her previous visit. She tells Donna she'd love to wear it for her fifteenth birthday party, so Donna takes it off the rack for her and directs her to a fitting room. Gina snarkishly asks Donna where the rest of the posse is, but Donna tells her she wants to give the girl a break. Sonia emerges from the fitting room with the dress on, and Donna gushes about how beautiful she looks. Sonia asks if she can pay her for the dress in instalments, and Donna caves and gets a pen and paper so she can get the contact information for her employer. Gina rolls her eyes and mutters, "You'll never see that money."
Hospital. Jackie is alarmed when she sees that Grandpa is off the ventilator, but the doctor explains that Grandpa regained consciousness, pulled the tube out himself, and is now able to breathe on his own. Apparently, he no longer suffers from pneumonia and is doing as well as one can expect of a terminally ill man. Kelly tearily tells Jackie she betrayed Grandpa by defying the DNR order - well d'yuh - and when Dylan appears a few seconds later, she tearfully asks him to get her out of here.
Dylan takes Kelly to a playground, where the two sit on swings and talk about life, Grandpa, and how Kelly wishes the doctors would just slip the poor man some morphine and let him die painlessly. Dylan stands behind her and gives her an awkward looking shoulder rub and mumbles about how some things in life are beyond their control. He says, yep, her Grandpa is dying all right...and all that remains is whether he's going to die on his terms or hers.
Dylan is working on his Porsche when Gina drops by with beer and snacks as a thank you for so gallantly coming to her aid the other night. She jabbers about how figure skating was her whole life for many years, blah blah...and Dylan, who clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about her skating career, comes right out and asks her why she's trying to take what Donna has, meaning Noah. He tells her that Noah is the wrong guy for her to be focusing on, then invokes her tacky tattoo and says she can always get it removed if it's no longer working for her.
Hospital. Kelly gabbles to Matt about how strong Grandpa used to be...and how weak he is now after a lifetime of cigarette smoking. Jackie rushes over to report that Grandpa isn't eating, and that the doctors want to torture him by shoving a feeding tube down his throat. Jackie doesn't like the sound of that, and Kelly concurs and says he's suffered enough.
Now Wear This. Gina asks Donna and Noah whassup with Dylan, and Noah's assessment is that Dylan is a moody weirdo who's overly sensitive about the holes in his car's upholstery. Donna solemnly informs the two that Dylan's wife was shot to death in that car, and Gina's all, "Wha-a? He was married?" and Donna says that he and Toni were married (for about five minutes) before she was accidentally killed by henchmen employed by her mobster father. By scripted coincidence, she got caught in the crossfire and died in Dylan's arms. Gina's like, "Wow, that's intense" and Noah hangs his head shamefully and says he feels bad for drawing Dylan's attention to the bullet holes in the Porsche's seats.
The Walsh house. Samantha drops by to visit Steve, who's taking a pretend sick day. He answers the door chowing down on popcorn and sheepishly tells his mom he miraculously started feeling better. Samantha says she knows how embarrassed he is by her I'm gay now announcement, then tells him she just got fired from her new sitcom and wryly adds, "It was a creative decision." Steve is all, "Wha-a?" and then two then start bickering about society's idea of what a mother should be, blah blah, and Samantha tells him that raising him from babyhood was the best job she ever had.
Gina asks Donna why things never worked out between Dylan and Kelly, and Donna correctly assumes she's asking 'cause she's trying to size up the competition. Sonia and the gangbangettes enter the store to return the birthday dress...and Sonia takes it out of the bag, says it has a rip, then proceeds to slice it up with a knife. One of the gangbangettes snickers and sneers at Donna, "So she don't owe you nuthin'" ... and as the idiots start cackling at Donna's predicament, Donna shoots Sonia a stricken look and whimpers, "I trusted you" to which Sonia coldly retorts, "You screwed up." After the posse saunters out, Gina rolls her eyes and can't resist telling Donna, "I told you so."
Kelly drops by David's apartment to tell Dylan that Grandpa is being released from the hospital so he can die at home...hopefully off camera, and never to be mentioned again. She laments how he was never able to quit smoking, then changes the subject to their obnoxious on-again, off-again relationship. She says they're definitely more than just good friends, but that she had been doing pretty good before he suddenly reappeared. Dylan mumbles about how bad for her he is, but she tells him she doesn't care and then leans in for a smooch.
Dylan is having a nightmare about Toni's killing when Noah hears him moaning and pokes him awake. He apologizes for remarking on the holes inside the Porsche and says that Donna just enlightened him about his wife being shot to death in the car. He tells Dylan he knows all about bad dreams after witnessing the immediate aftermath of his dad's suicide...but Dylan isn't up for any male bonding, snaps something dickish at him, and rudely slouches out of the room.
Dylan puts a for sale sign on his Porsche and stares sadly at his beloved car. The end of an era.
Hospital. Jackie and Kelly find Grandpa chatting with Matt, who has just announced he's quitting his pretend smoking habit. Jackie tells her father he's being released, and the old man beams happily while Kelly congratulates Matt on his healthy life choice. He invites her out on a date, and she kind of winces...which prompts Matt to tell her that he's fully aware of how hung up she still is on Slouchy, but that there's this other, better guy she's likely missing out on. Kelly stares into space looking conflicted.
Sonia enters the boutique and tries to give Donna $10, insisting that the gangbangettes made her destroy the dress, and threatened to kick her out of the gang if she attended her birthday party. That's pretty cold, yo. They now want her to do a drug run...and when Donna advises her to get out of this horrendous situation, Sonia explains that in her neighborhood, you're either a gangbangette or their target. Donna warns her that being in a gang will either get her arrested or killed.
Kelly and Jackie bring Grandpa home to Jackie's and Mel's condo and help him get settled. Once they promise to not put him on a ventilator or stick a feeding tube down his throat, they surprise him with a Christmas tree and a stack of presents. Kelly hands him a large gift to unwrap, and he looks happy and excited to celebrate his final holiday.
After Dark. Steve summons his mom to the club and tells her it's OK with him if she does an interview on David's radio show, and reminds her that her fans - and he - will always love her. She warns him that the interview will probably cover her firing from the sitcom and recently declared lesbianism, but Steve - who has come totally around (from less than a day ago) about her life choice - tells her to be proud of who she is. He ushers her over to the DJ booth, where David hands her a pair of headphones and gushes to his listeners about his excitement in landing this interview.
Dylan sells his car to a middle aged man and stares sadly after it as the man drives off. Gina ambles over to say hey and asks him if was really ready to let the car go...and he looks tortured as he mutters, "Yeah." Gina offers to give him a ride, but he says he has something that needs doing...and that it's in a place she wouldn't want to be.
Dylan shuffles over to an alley and starts burning the wad of the cash he just got for the Porsche. What a dumbass. Give it to a charity if you don't want to keep it. A shady looking guy asks him what the hell he's doing, and Dylan mutters, "Burning my wife's ashes." The guy mulls over that nonsensical response and says he has something to help him out...and by something, he means a supply of drugs. When he suggests heroin, Dylan visibly perks up, so the guy hands him a small stash, then helps himself to some of the cash that Dylan was about to set on fire. Dylan clutches his newly acquired bag o' heroin while staring into space with a tortured expression on his increasingly wrinkly face.