Recap: During a morning bed canoodle, Susan laments to Billy that she feels terrible about how badly things went with Alison at last night's D&D party and hates having to choose between the two of them. Billy points out that Alison (and her burgeoning drinking problem) didn't give her much of an option, reminds her that he and Alison split up before they hooked up, and assures her that Alison will eventually get over it. A few seconds later, they hear a loud clanging noise outside their door...and when they investigate, they find Alison dropping each of Susan's pots and pans (that she forgot to pack in her haste to move out) at Billy's doorstep and snarking about them shacking up together. Susan needlessly explains that she had nowhere else to go on such short notice and that her stay at Billy's apartment is just a temporary living situation.

Jo stops by Shooters to ask Jake if he would please be a character witness for her during tomorrow's custody hearing, and Jake says he'd be happy to help in any way he can...and assures her that together with the Melrose Place gang, they'll "kick some Carter butt".

Over at D&D, Bruce is holding a staff meeting about tonight's promotion party for KDJ Radio, aka one of their biggest clients. After the meeting adjourns, Amanda pulls Bruce aside and asks him if she could skip this one, but he insists that the party is going to need a lot of upper level representation. After Bruce ambles off, Alison tells Amanda she can take Susan's name off of her lease (even though she was never on it) 'cause she's living with Billy now. When Alison exits the conference room, Amanda somehow acts surprised to hear that Billy is dating Susan, and that she's taken up residence inside his apartment. She judge-ily snarks, "That's not dating, Billy. That's rebound roulette." [I get the strong sense the writers completely forgot that just two episodes ago Amanda was so visibly giddy at the prospect of Billy hooking up with Susan that she urged him to invite her along on a double date with herself and Peter at the Hollywood Bowl Mozart concert.]

Michael runs into Matt at the hospital and asks whassup with the long face, so Matt confides that his resurfaced boyfriend Jeffrey had to retire from the military 'cause he's HIV positive. Michael clucks sympathetically, but then recommends that he run far and fast from that relationship 'cause he's only setting himself up for heartbreak.

Kimberly arrives at the Medical Center for an appointment with her gynaecologist and is surprised to see Jo in the waiting room. Jo tells her she's feeling much better after her recent health scare, so Kimberly redirects the conversation to her good news: she and Michael got married in a quickie Vegas ceremony, want to start a family asap, and she thinks it's possible she's pregnant already.

Jeffrey repeatedly tries to call Matt - but Matt doesn't pick up the phone and just stares contemplatively at his answering machine as Jeffrey leaves a rambling message about how he hopes he's not deliberately avoiding him.

At the D&D client party, Amanda is schmoozing with the client - until Bruce interrupts, gives himself full credit for D&D's most recent campaign, and ushers the client away. Amanda complains to Peter (who has once again tagged along as her plus one) that Bruce never thinks to give her credit for her substantial contributions, and Peter assures her it won't be long before they find a way to oust Bruce and take control of D&D.

Alison is guzzling a drink while glaring over at Billy and Susan, who are happily dancing together. She ambles over to the bar, where she encounters a stylishly disheveled looking man with striking blue eyes who flirtily introduces himself as Zack Phillips. He remarks on her ability to handle an overabundance of liquor and invites him to join him and his sleazy posse at their table, and she looks intrigued by the prospect.

Kimberly returns home that evening in a sour mood. Michael tells her he figured her gynaecological appointment didn't go well when she didn't get in touch with him all day, then breezily says it's clearly not their time to procreate, not least 'cause they're both so focused on their careers. Kimberly announces that she's going to bed...and when Michael follows her to the bedroom, she tells him that because she was so horribly injured in the drunk driving accident that he caused, she isn't able to get pregnant. She then laughs maniacally and says that the crash wasn't exactly an accident, adding, "You killed any chance I had to have a baby." As Michael half-heartedly tries to comfort her, she snappishly orders him to get out. 

Back at party central, a very drunk Alison is hanging with Zack and his friends, loudly cackling at their jokes. After a few seconds of that, Zack invites Alison to the Roxy with him to see a band, and she tells him she definitely likes the sound of that idea. Billy, who's been watching the spectacle with Susan, follows Alison outside to make sure she's not getting behind the wheel. He chides her for once again making a drunken arse of herself at a work event, and she snarks at him to leave her alone - just as Zack appears to escort her over to his limousine. Inside the club, meanwhile, Bruce looks somewhat comical as he energetically jigs to the music - but he's looking very sweaty and nauseated...and a few seconds later, suffers sudden chest pains and collapses. Peter rushes over to medically attend to him and yells for anyone to call 911.

Alison and Zack stand on the limo seats and poke themselves through the sunroof as the driver ferries them to the Roxy. Alison says she's soooooo sick of being pigeon-holed as the "good girl" and is thrilled to finally cut loose in this sloshed fashion. Zack says he definitely likes this party girl aspect of her personality and gives her an amorous smooch.

The next day at D&D, Billy fills Alison in on Bruce's collapse at the party...and a few seconds later, Amanda wanders over and informs them that since she's going to be busy handling Bruce's accounts, she needs them to call a truce and work together harmoniously. She declines to reveal what is actually ailing Bruce, pointing out that D&D has a lot on the line when it comes to Bruce's robustness as Chief Executive...and instructs Alison and Billy to simply tell clients that Bruce is expected back in the office next week.

Over at the design studio, Chris tells Jane that the check for her fabric purchase just bounced, so Jane snarkishly retorts that she's still short the 500K his company promised to float her for production costs. Chris mumbles something about how international fund transfers take time, tries to placate her with kisses, and proposes he loan her the cash so that her current shortage doesn't ruin her credit rating. He slyly adds that if his name were included on the account, she wouldn't have to go through the trouble of going to the bank and signing off on every check, and Jane ignores that giant red flag and says she rather likes the idea of him handling her company's check books. 

At the courthouse, Ma Carter takes the stand and testifies about how she and her saintly husband are active in their community, and have a lovely home and lots of money. She adds that since they're both retired they're able to fully focus on giving their grandchild a good, wholesome upbringing. When Jo's lawyer refrains from cross-examining her, Jo goes ballistic...and during a short recess screams at him for botching her case. He patiently explains that they only have to prove that she's a fit mother (via her testimony and various character witnesses), not that the Carters are monsters. Even though it should definitely be pointed out that this smugly sanctimonious couple raised a boy who became a drug dealing, murderous monster.

​Matt decides to meet up with Jeffrey for lunch, admits that he's still adjusting to the HIV news, and isn't sure what he wants. He adds that he's not certain he's able to make a commitment to someone who has such a major health challenge ahead of him and needs time to mull it over. Jeffrey irritably snaps, "Time is up" and that a relationship with him is obviously more than he can handle. He bitterly adds, "Have a nice life", then gets up and beats a hasty retreat.

At Melrose Place, Amanda is in bed with Peter, happily mulling over the [seemingly implausible] idea of the two of them taking over D&D. Peter concurs and says that Bruce's bad luck is their good fortune, and that it's an ideal time for a takeover. When Amanda worries that it's unsportsmanlike to take advantage of Bruce's current health crisis, Peter says he'd no doubt do the same to her, then calls the two of them "a team" and gives her a smooch. He gleefully pronounces, "Game's about to begin, Amanda. Ready to play?" and smooches her some more.

The next day at the courthouse, the Carters' lawyer is able to cast an unflattering light onto each of Jo's character witnesses:

• Jake is forced to admit that the bike shop he co-owned with Jo was destroyed in a suspicious fire, and also that his boat recently got blown to smithereens
• Amanda is forced to admit that Jo's apartment got so badly trashed by Jake that it resulted in a formal damage complaint
• Matt is forced to admit that he's not all that close to Jo...and that, yes, he brings home gay lovers from time to time (which was generally frowned upon in '90s primetime TV)
• Jane is forced to admit that her ex-husband married her sister, an ex-prostitute, and that this ex-prostitute lives next door to Jo in the Melrose Place complex

Later, Jo takes the stand and recounts how Reed unwittingly impregnated her, kidnapped her, and threatened to kill her once she discovered what a deranged criminal he was. But despite all of that trauma, she chose to keep the baby and has been steeling herself to become the best gosh darn mom she can possibly be. She then tears up and wails about how the court can't, in good conscience, take a newborn baby away from its mother...and pretends to have zero regrets about telling the Carters that the spawn was fathered by their unhinged son. She [somewhat unconvincingly] insists that she truly wants to include the Carters in her family unit, and still has hope that such a thing is possible. 

During the next recess, Alison tells Jo she can't wait to get on that stand first thing tomorrow morning and say glowing things about her, and Jo looks touched and thanks the entire Melrose Place gang for standing by her. Jo then pulls Alison aside and asks her if she's OK with her being formally named as the baby's (backup) legal guardian/godmother, and Alison says she'd be honored.

Back at the beach house, Kimberly is staring out at the ocean when Michael returns home and grumbles about how the check he just got from Jane Mancini Designs has Chris's name on it, even though he's not a partner. Kimberly makes it clear she doesn't give even the tiniest of rat's asses 'bout that and wails about how desperate she is to become a mother. She demands that he help her and decrees, "Give me what I most want in life! Give me a baby!" and collapses into his arms. 

While dining out that evening, Zack tells Alison that he earns a living by entertaining out-of-town artists and band members. He then invites her to go dancing after dinner - but she declines and says she has to get up early 'cause she's expected in court at 9:00am.

Hours later, an inebriated Alison and Zack stumble into the Melrose Place courtyard...and he looks impressed by the dump as he glances over at the pool and says he'd really really like to go swimming. As she loudly giggles at the prospect, the two strip off their clothes and dive in - but cause such a ruckus that everyone in the complex is awakened by their laughing and splashing. A vexed Amanda marches down to the pool with a couple of towels and orders the two to get out, snarling at Alison that "being a tenant doesn't entitle you to public drunkenness". 

Alison and Zack spend the rest of the night on the beach (near where Zack lives), and by the time they wake up, it's already 8:30am. Alison panics and says there's no way she has time to go home and change into something more court-appropriate, so then Zack pulls out a bottle of pills and urges her to take one, describing it as nothing more than "a jolt of caffeine". Alison's like 'what could possibly go wrong with accepting pills from a guy I hardly know?' and stupidly opts to take two of the pills.

​Over at the courthouse, everyone is waiting for Alison to show up, and she stumbles into the courtroom looking harried, buzzed, and underdressed in her tiny slip of a party frock. She fibs and says she's late 'cause of an accident on the freeway...and Jo's lawyer requests a brief recess and tells Jo that no way in hell can they put Alison on the witness stand in her current state. When Alison widens her eyes dementedly and insists that she's totes fine, Jake glares back at her in disgust and growls, "Alison, you're as high as a kite." An incredulous Jo asks her how she could do this, then rails about how she had trusted her to do this one important favor. 

While strolling near the beach, Jeffrey tells Matt he doesn't want to be judged for his HIV status, but also knows that Matt must have sooooo many questions (e.g. Will I be safe? How long will the Melrose Place writers be willing to devote a storyline to a gay couple confronting AIDS?) Jeffrey commiserates about how sad and disappointed he is that no one wants to come close to him anymore. Matt assures him he's not alone, is now certain he wants to be in a relationship with him - but needs a firm commitment...and Jeffrey happily says, "I'll take it!" and the two embrace.

Amanda is visiting Bruce in the hospital, assuring him that their clients are buying the food poisoning story...and Bruce nods approvingly and says he definitely wants everyone to keep a lid on his heart problems. Amanda urges him to relax and let her take care of business, and he contritely says he doesn't know what he'd do without her and that he's counting on her to hold down the fort. Amanda tells Bruce to take care, then heads straight over to Peter's office and closes the door. When she tells him that Bruce seems nervous, Peter's like, "He should be" and reminds her she has a phone call to make. Amanda dutifully picks up the phone and calls a major client (John Lane) to inform him that Bruce suffered a heart attack, isn't recovering as quickly as they hoped, and is unlikely to ever be the same again. She then assures him that, under her competent supervision, his advertising campaign will proceed as scheduled...and, on the other end of the line, John Lane seems happy enough with that.

Alison is at Shooters, guzzling booze yet again, when Zack enters the bar. She tells him she didn't make it onto the witness stand, laments that Jo will never forgive her, and that as a result of her drunken idiocy she may have lost her best friend. Zack tells her that real friends don't judge a person's every move, and Alison coos about how supportive he is. He tells her he knows a good thing when he sees it, and leans in for a kiss.

Over at the courthouse, the judge says he's prepared to make a ruling that's based on the best interest of Jo's spawn...and ultimately awards full custody to the Carters. A devastated Jo screeches, "Nooooooo!! I won't let you have my baby!!" as her lawyer and Jake do their best to restrain her. 

Recap: Sydney slinks out of Jake's bed and quietly gets dressed...and a few seconds later, Jake wakes up and asks her if she was planning on saying goodbye before sneaking out. She explains that she didn't want to wake him, pretends she has a lot to do, and thanks him for everything he's done for her. When he stares back at her with a crestfallen expression, she breezily assures him she's fine and that she'll see him at Shooters later. 

Sydney runs into Jane as she's exiting her apartment, and Jane snarls, "You little bitch" and accuses her of getting Jake to do her dirty work for her, then pay him back "in your own unique fashion". Sydney argues that she's merely been trying to signal the alarm about her creepy-as-fuck boyfriend - but Jane's all, "Blah blah blah..." and accuses her of trying to destroy her latest relationship while also sucking Jake into her "psychotic little web". Sydney hotly tells her to leave Jake out of it, 'cause he's the only decent man she's ever hit in the sack with, then insists to her sister that one day she's going to learn the truth about Chris.

Susan packs her stuff and tells Alison she's going to temporarily move in with her aunt in Newport Beach in order to 1) avoid dealing with her toxic, drunken behavior, and 2) stay as far away from Billy as possible. She adds that she had no idea that dating Billy would cause her so much distress (which kinda seems disingenuous, but OK). Alison sheepishly apologizes for the terrible things she said to her during the previous episode - but points out that they only spilled out of her mouth 'cause she was angry and drunk at the time. When Susan asks her if she loves Billy, Alison replies that she just couldn't bring herself to commit herself to such a vapid bonehead for the rest of her life...and has also come to realize that she can't/shouldn't insert herself between him and anyone he wants to start dating. That said, she warns Susan that soon after she scratches the surface with Billy, she'll find that he'll quickly get on her nerves and require far more "care and feeding" than she may have anticipated. Susan files away that bitchy tidbit and unwisely agrees to continue bunking at her place, then expresses relief that she no longer has to sneak around every time she wants to hang with Billy.

Michael drops by D&D to sadly inform Amanda that Peter fired him after he stupidly blew off his on-call shifts to impulsively elope with Kimberly to Las Vegas. He asks her if she wouldn't mind using her influence with Peter to get him reinstated at the hospital, and she tells him she'll consider it if he makes it worth her while, aka giving up his financial stake in Jane's design company. Michael pretends to look appalled that she'd seek to take advantage of his misfortune, so Amanda points out that the fledgling design company is barely breaking even and urges him to give it serious thought.

At Shooters, Jake tells Sydney he's a bit miffed about how cold and aloof she's acting towards him, so she tells him she now thinks it was a bad idea for her to sleep with her boss while she's on probation. She says she appreciates him for standing up for her, but that it's prolly better for both of them if they abstain from indulging in any more hanky panky.

Amanda drops by Jane's studio to faux ooh and aah over her new clothing line and remark on the injustice of how Michael gets to share in the profits without having done a damn thing. She asks Jane what it would be worth to her if Michael gave up his share of the company, and Jane perks up at the prospect and says if she could pull that off, she'd be willing to split Michael's share with her. Amanda agrees that that's more than generous, and Jane urges her to give it her best shot. 

That evening, Billy and Susan are cooking dinner at his place and delighting in the freedom of no longer having to sneak around behind Alison's back. As Susan adds some much needed spices to whatever kind of sauce Billy's been simmering, he leans in and gives her a series of smooches. Alison, meanwhile, returns home from work and glances up at Billy's kitchen window, through which she can see that he and Susan are laughing and canoodling. She grimaces unhappily as she enters her apartment and heads straight to the freezer, where she pulls out a bottle of vodka and pours herself a very large drink. 

Matt is out jogging when he spots Jeffrey Lindley, his ex-squeeze from Season 2, and wanders over to where he's shooting hoops. Jeffrey looks happy to see him and says he recently resigned from the military 'cause of all the blowback he got after coming out of the closet. Matt pouts about how hurt he still is that he never made an effort to keep in touch, so Jeffrey explains that he needed lots of alone time to get his life together and weakly claims that he had planned on calling him. He then suggests they get together for dinner tomorrow night, and Matt's all, "Hurray!" and gives him a happy hug.

Jo is meeting with her lawyer, who tells her they need to strategize for her upcoming custody hearing with the Carters by building a list of character witnesses who can vouch for her competence as a parent. 

Michael returns to D&D to tell Amanda he's decided that nothing is more important than his medical career. He agrees to give up his share of Jane's design company if she can convince Peter to give him his job back, and Amanda smugly remarks on what an easy target Peter is 'cause of how infatuated with her he is, boasting, "I guarantee I can get him to do anything I want." An intrigued looking Michael asks what's in it for her, and she tells him not to worry 'cause she managed to snag a generous cut of Jane's business, cackling, "When God was passing out business sense, Jane was still at the back of the line, getting her nails done." Michael chuckles and agrees to the deal, and the two shake on it. 

Chris arrives at the studio and hands Jane a stack of order sheets, telling her that the orders are becoming so plentiful that she may need to expand the clothing line...and Jane gives him a hug and gushes about how she owes all of her success to him. Chris suddenly frowns and says he feels bad that their relationship has driven a wedge between her and her friends, and that he'd really really like for them to go to Shooters tonight and extend an olive branch to Jake. When he insists that the conflict between him and Jake has been nothing more than a silly misunderstanding and that he wants to make amends for any unwittingly creepy thing he may have said or done, Jane gazes up at him lovingly and says she's deeply impressed with his desire to bring about peace.

Amanda tells Billy and Alison that Bruce wants to throw a cocktail party to entertain John Taylor (the CEO of a big software company) and also convince him to sign with D&D. She puts Alison in charge of the catering and bar service...and when Billy suggests hiring Susan to prepare the food, Amanda says she definitely likes the sound of that idea. After Amanda heads back to her office, Alison tells Billy that Susan is indeed perfect for the gig, then bitchily points out that she and Susan are going to be BFFs long after his short-lived flirtation with her runs its course.

Sydney is dismayed when she sees Chris and Jane enter Shooters. She alerts Jake to their arrival and makes it clear that she won't wait on their table. Jake heads over to where Chris and Jane are sitting and tells Jane that them being here isn't a good idea, so Chris interjects and says he's only here to extend an olive branch and clear up all the bad blood between them. Jake softens and says they can stay for one drink, then wanders back over to Sydney and passes along Chris's message of peace. A few seconds later, Chris makes a beeline over to Sydney to make a snide comment about her sleeping with her boss as a means of staying out of the nut house, and Sydney reacts to the sociopath's bait by throwing a bottle in his direction - which shatters after hitting a nearby wall - and yelling at him to stay away from her. As Chris feigns innocence about having done nothing to provoke such a violent outburst, Jake orders him and Jane to get out. Jane haughtily reminds Jake that they came here to make peace and warns that Sydney is a sick person who has him fooled, and he's like, "Ditto with Chris."

Amanda is over at Peter's luxury pad, admiring the view of the L.A. skyline. She gushes about his posh living space, marvels over his electronic chess board, then says she has a favor she'd like to ask regarding Michael. She explains that recently she's been doing business with Jane, whose life has been made hell because of Michael, and was wondering if he could find it in his heart to give the dumbbell another chance by rehiring him. Peter chews on that for a few seconds, admits that Michael is a surprisingly good doctor, and tells her he'd be more than happy to reverse a work-related decision just 'cause she asked him to.

The next day, a jubilant Michael returns to the hospital, reclaims his locker in the staff lounge, and pompously tells Kimberly he's been officially reinstated...after Peter begged him to come back. When Kimberly says she finds that impossible to believe, Michael concedes that Peter didn't actually beg - but that the end result is the same: she's married to a "man of worth" once again. Kimberly decides she's thrilled by the employment status of her clownish dolt of a husband and gives him a happy kiss. 

Sydney tells Jake that, after careful consideration, she's decided to leave L.A. and her problems behind, even if it means violating her probation. Jake urges her not to do that 'cause 1) eventually Jane will learn the truth about Chris, and 2) he'd really like them to pursue their budding relationship. Sydney wryly reminds him that they don't have a relationship so much as a one night stand, and Jake's like, "Fair point" and then invites her out for an old-fashioned dinner date.

Amanda is at the design studio, meeting with Jane and Michael for the signing over of Michael's share of the company to Jane (half of which will then go to Amanda). When he suddenly pronounces that he has no intention of signing, Amanda threatens that she can have his job taken away just as easily as it was given back to him. Michael responds by pulling out a tape recorder of the earlier conversation he and Amanda had (during which she disparages both Peter and Jane), and gleefully says that surely she wouldn't want Peter to hear her describing him as an easy target who's hopelessly infatuated with her. Amanda glares at him hatefully and growls, "You conniving son of a bitch", and he then plays the audio of her insulting Jane's business sense. He cackles and orders Amanda to keep him abreast of every tidbit about Peter that might help him improve his position at Wilshire Memorial...and when Amanda sheepishly apologizes to Jane, she barks at Amanda to get the hell out. 

At D&D's cocktail party, John Taylor compliments Amanda on the yummy food and drinks, and she tells him she's looking forward to working with him once he signs with D&D. He tells her he's drafted up a new fee proposal and hopes that the agency will give it serious consideration, and Amanda breezily assures him that the brass would be more than happy to accommodate him. After he wanders off, Peter congratulates Amanda for her artful schmoozing abilities...while, across the room, Alison is guzzling vodka and glaring at Billy and Susan as they play kissy-face. She staggers over and complains about how awful the food is...and after Susan leaves to see about serving seconds, Alison urges Billy to exercise caution about not catching anything from Susan, then tells him a made up story about how Susan once bumped uglies with an entire fraternity. Billy snappishly tells her she's drunk, so she calls him a self-centered pig and stumbles off - just as Amanda orders Billy to take his lush of an ex-fiancée home so she doesn't make a complete ass of herself in front of an important client. 

A vexed looking Bruce pulls Amanda aside and asks her if she promised John Taylor that D&D would consider accepting his new fee proposal...and when she's like, "Uh, yeah..?", he snarlingly reminds her that she had no authority to do that without consulting him first. He threatens to fire her if she ever makes a side deal like that again...and after he storms off, Peter - who eavesdropped on the entire exchange - wanders over to stare concernedly at Amanda, who wryly says it looks as though she stepped on somebody's ego.

Susan is in the conference room, dishing up more food for the party, when Alison staggers in clutching a glass of vodka. She mockingly tells Susan how shittastic her cooking is, then chides her for making a spectacle of herself when she openly smooched Billy, and that his professional reputation could be damaged as a result. Susan stares at her incredulously and says she thought they were starting fresh, snappishly grumbling, "I thought you could handle all of this. Obviously you can't - just like you can't handle your liquor." A drunkenly indignant Alison reacts by throwing her glass of vodka at her, and Susan counter-reacts by hurling a pot of tomato sauce across the front of her sweater. The two then start fighting like rabid kittens - until Billy rushes into the room and breaks it up. Alison looks dementedly wild-eyed as her eyes dart around the room, then stumbles towards the door and announces that she's calling a cab and heading home.

Over at Casa Burns, Amanda and Peter are amorously canoodling in front of the fire. Amanda admits to Peter that she made a grave error where he's concerned and comes clean about sassing him to Michael, who secretly tape recorded their conversation about getting him reinstated at the hospital. Peter just kind of shrugs at the admission and tells her to put Michael's blackmail threats out of her mind, then says he has no regrets about the rehiring 'cause it means he's able to keep a close eye on the lunkhead. He then changes the subject to D&D and says he was very impressed by the way she held her own with John Taylor, and that her boss clearly resents her initiative and wants to rein her in too much. When Amanda agrees that Bruce's management style can definitely be suffocating, Peter suggests they come up with a power play that puts her in charge of the company with him as her partner. When Amanda looks perplexed by such a major shift in the company's reporting structure, Peter schools her about how everyone has their vulnerable spot; they just have to figure what Bruce's is...and Amanda looks openly intrigued as the two begin smooching in earnest.

The next morning while walking along the beach, Matt tells Jeffrey he had fallen in love with him and was deeply hurt when he left town and fell out of touch. Jeffrey apologizes for the anguish he caused, then says there's a lot more to his resignation from the Navy than he initially let on: he was shocked to learn that he's HIV positive and therefore had no choice but to quit the military. As Matt stares back at him with a look of stunned horror, Jeffrey says it's A-OK if he never wants to see him again, and Matt responds by pulling him into a comforting hug as both men tear up. 

A fed up Susan is packing her belongings while Alison apologetically natters about how she prolly isn't ready to deal with the emotional impact of her and Billy dating. Susan brusquely tells her she found a new place to live, then exits the apartment with her two suitcases...and promptly carries them up the stairs to Billy's apartment. As Alison stares after her incredulously, Billy opens his door, greets Susan with a kiss, and ushers her inside as he glances down at Alison with a look of smug piteousness. 

Recap: A freaked out Sydney races over to Jake's apartment and tells him that Chris just tried to rape her inside Shooters, but that she managed to fight him off and hide in the storage closet until he left. An appalled Jake tries to persuade her to go to the hospital and also report the assault to police - but she refuses 'cause she highly doubts anyone will believe her. She asks him if she can crash on his couch so she can feel safe, at least for one night, and he assures her he'd be more than happy to provide her with some much-needed protection, then heads out to confront Chris.

Jake storms over to Jane's apartment and yells at Chris to show himself...and Amanda hears the commotion and informs him that Chris and Jane went to Las Vegas an hour ago. Jake promptly deflates, returns to his apartment, and finds Sydney sacked out on his couch. As he tenderly covers her with a throw blanket, she sadly murmurs that no one will believe her - but Jake assures her that he does, and that he's going to do something about it. 

The next morning, Jake hands Sydney a cup of coffee and says he fully intends to give Chris the what-for once he and Jane return from Las Vegas. Sydney exclaims, "Las Vegas?!" and says it looks as though Chris is actually making good on his plan to marry Jane. Jake urges her to get some rest and says he'll see her at Shooters for the dinner shift...and after he heads out, Sydney stares concernedly into space.

Billy drops by Alison's apartment to ask Susan about her job prospects, and she happily tells him she has an interview with the lunch manager at Chasens later. A few seconds later, Amanda ambles over to inform Susan that if she's moving into Alison's apartment, she's going to need to add her name to the lease - but Susan says that that won't be necessary 'cause she's really just passing through. Amanda clucks about what a shame that is 'cause it's obvious that people (meaning Billy) really seem to enjoy having her around. 

At D&D, Amanda is holding an impromptu meeting with Billy and Alison, passing along Bruce's instructions to take a more cheerful approach with two campaigns - just as a ginormous bouquet of roses arrives for Amanda. She quickly learns they're from Peter, and when she reads his 'let's get together again soon' card, she complains to Alison that the doctor seems to be moving pretty fast. Alison argues that he's a romantic and that she should go for it...then dickishly adds, "If you're still pining for Jake, that ship has sailed." Amanda sarcastically thanks her for throwing that failed relationship in her face and heads back to her office with the bouquet...and Billy tells Alison he has a lunchtime appointment - but is willing to stay late to redo the campaigns if need be. 

Billy is camped outside Chasens when Susan emerges after her job interview. He offers to take her to lunch then give her a lift back to Melrose Place...and she worriedly wrings her hands about hanging with her BFF's ex, but then decides 'ah fuck it' and accepts his invitation. 

Over the phone, Amanda thanks Peter for the roses - but calls the ginormous bouquet excessive and makes it clear that she's in no hurry to jump into another relationship. Peter promises to not be pushy, then tells her he scored four tickets for tonight's Mozart concert at the Hollywood Bowl and urges her to invite a couple of friends to join them. He promises she'll have a great time, and she mulls over the invitation for a few seconds and agrees that, yep, it sounds like fun.

Sydney drops by the hospital to warn Michael and Kimberly that Chris is a dangerous psychopath who tried to rape her last night, and Kimberly mockingly retorts, "Ooooh, you better keep that appointment with your shrink." Sydney insists she's telling the truth, then drops the bomb that Chris and Jane are in Vegas, likely to get hitched in a quickie wedding. Michael suddenly looks alarmed by that revelation and worries aloud that Chris is plotting to seize more control of Jane's design firm and try to push him out. He announces that he's off to Vegas to put a stop to the wedding [despite being scheduled to work at the hospital], and Kimberly pronounces that no way is she letting him anywhere near Jane without her...and the two rush out of the room to catch the next available flight to Vegas, leaving Sydney staring after them amusedly.  

Jane thanks Chris for a wonderful day of shopping when the two return to their luxurious hotel suite. She then remarks on how distracted he's seemed all day and asks him if he's OK, and he explains that she's what's been on his mind, then abruptly proposes marriage. Jane chucklingly replies yes! and gives him a happy hug...and he calls her answer "a dream come true" and suggests they get hitched at the nearby Silver Wedding Chapel asap. Jane agrees, but says she first needs to shower and change into something resembling wedding attire.

Chris heads down to the hotel casino and tells the manager he needs a 20K marker. When the manager reminds him he's already in debit for 50K, Chris assures him he's good for it, and that he just finalized an unspecified lucrative deal. The manager mulls over that obvious nonsense and somehow agrees to increase his debt load.

At D&D, Amanda invites Billy (and a plus one) to double with her and Peter at the Hollywood Bowl Mozart concert. When Billy's like, "Dunno..", Amanda passes along some bitchy advice she got earlier: "If you're still pining for Alison, that ship has sailed." Meow. 

Over in Vegas, Michael manages to persuade the hotel check-in clerk to provide him and Kimberly with Chris's/Jane's room number, as well as the name of the nearest wedding chapel. As the two head towards the elevator, Kimberly mumbles about what a tiny rat's ass she gives if Jane actually takes the plunge and marries her creepy boyfriend.

Jo drops by Amanda's office at D&D to lament about how she's in a legal jam 'cause of the stupid Carters and could use all the photography work she can get...and Amanda promises to hire her anytime an appropriate job comes across her desk.

Susan meets up with Billy on the street and complains about how much she hates sneaking around with her BFF's ex. Billy just kind of shrugs indifferently and invites her to be his date for tonight's Mozart concert. He promises that if things between them start to get serious they'll break the news to Alison...but points out that in order to know whether or not things can get serious, they're going to have to go out a few times. Susan chews on that logic for a few seconds and says OK, and then Billy leans in for a smooch...which leads to a full-on smoochfest.

At the Silver Wedding Chapel, the minister begins the ceremony to wed Jane and Chris...and when he asks if anyone objects to this depraved coupling, Michael (with Kimberly in tow) bursts into the room and snarls, "I sure as hell think it's a lousy idea." He tells an irked Jane he's concerned that Chris is attaching himself to her in order to get control of her design firm, so then Jane accuses him of preventing her from being happy. When Chris threatens to call the police, Michael urges him to go ahead and says he heard all about his attempted rape of Sydney. Chris denies doing any such thing, and then Michael snarlingly warns him to keep his hands off of Jane's wallet, disdainfully adding, "I really don't care what you do with the rest of her." 

After Chris and Jane storm out of the chapel, Kimberly points out to Michael that 1) they're both standing in front of a minister in Vegas, and 2) they definitely deserve to be stuck with each other until death do them part. Michael's like 'sure, why the hell not?', and the minister agrees to marry them on the spot.

When Jane and Chris return to their hotel suite, an irritated Jane asks Chris why he didn't stand up to Michael, and he dismissively retorts, "That's your baggage, not mine." She instantly backs off and says they can always get married at a later date...and as they press up against each other and indulge in an amorous smoochfest, she coos, "I neeeeeed you so much." When she begs him to pleeeeeeease make love to her, he primly says he'd prefer they save themselves for marriage, prompting an exasperated Jane to bellow, "Cut the sensitive crap and just take me!" He condescendingly tells her to rest, and she snarlingly retorts that despite the huge asshole Michael is, he never had any problem hitting the sheets with her.

Hours later, a hyped up Chris returns to the hotel suite and happily tosses his casino earnings into the air...then mounts Jane and lobs her with some pretty aggressive looking kisses.
​
Alison ambles into her kitchen and finds Susan cooking...and when she asks whassup, Susan nervously fibs and says she's launching a catering career and is preparing picnic dinners for tonight's Hollywood Bowl concertgoers. Sounds plausible. 

In the courtyard, Jo checks her mailbox and is dismayed when she gets another letter from the Carters. She's so distraught that she stumbles on the staircase and calls for help...and Sydney rushes over to steady her and yells for Jake, who tells her to call the hospital.

In the next scene, Jo is wheeled into the ER...and elsewhere in the hospital, Michael and Kimberly are cackling at each other about being a newly married couple. A vexed looking Peter Burns storms over and orders Kimberly to report to OB stat to see about helping with Jo, then admonishes Michael for ditching his weekend shifts without bothering to inform anyone, leaving the hospital short-staffed [unlike Kimberly, who apparently had the weekend off]. He brusquely fires Michael and orders him to clean out his locker pronto.

Jo babbles to Matt about how she's unable to protect her unborn child, and he cooingly assures her she's a great mom and urges her to remain calm. Kimberly studies the scans and tells Jo her baby's doing fine, but that it's important she reduce her stress levels. She urges Jo to concentrate solely on staying healthy, then gives her her home phone number and says she wants to help any way she can...and Jo is visibly suspicious by how overly helpful Kimberly is being [spoiler: as well she should be].

That evening at the Hollywood Bowl, Billy, Amanda, and Peter compliment Susan on her tasty picnic dinners...but she just worriedly wrings her hands and tells Billy she can't shake her guilt about dating her BFF's ex. He breezily assures her it's all fine and that she should focus on having a good time tonight. When Susan whimperingly responds that Alison is her friend, Amanda interjects and agrees that while Alison can be a great friend, her priority is to always put herself first. Peter mercifully changes the subject and tells Amanda he's been recapping the workday in his head, and indiscreetly shares that he fired Michael. Amanda and Billy just kind of shrug at that and say they're not terribly surprised, given what a devil-may-care imbecile the writers have turned Michael into since the beginning of Season 1. 

After the concert, the foursome return to Melrose Place. Peter kisses Amanda goodnight and heads home, while Billy thanks Susan for a wonderful night and leans in for an amorous smooch...which is soon witnessed by Alison, who's stares at them incredulously from her apartment window. 

The next morning, Alison enters the kitchen while Susan is cooking breakfast. A sheepish Susan fibs that her fledgling catering business is really taking off, and that the Hollywood Bowl customers seemed to really enjoy her packaged meals. Alison coldly retorts that she's not hungry for any breakfast and is going for a walk to blow off some steam...and she then beats a hasty retreat, leaving Susan staring after her concernedly. 

Kimberly finds a despondent Michael sitting on the beach, wailing, "What am I going to dooooo?" When Kimberly suggests he find work at a different hospital, he explains that Peter intends to call the California Medical Board in order to prevent him from being hired elsewhere. Kimberly reminds him that, at the very least, they're married and have each other no matter what, but he hopelessly retorts, "Who cares? I'm not a doctor anymore" and self-piteously tells her she's married to nothing.

Alison is at Shooters, guzzling a screwdriver, when Susan enters the bar and says she was left wondering why she never returned home after her walk. Alison says she stopped in at Shooters to talk to Jake, but that he's not due in for several hours. She then makes it a point to call Jake a friend, aka someone who doesn't betray her by sleeping with her ex-fiancé and then lying about launching a catering business. She growls, "You make me sick!" and tells an ashen-faced Susan to get lost, and to also get outa her apartment.

Upon returning to Melrose Place, Chris runs into Jake - who, incidentally, is looking very yummy in a wife-beater shirt. He calls Chris out for assaulting Sydney in his bar and makes it clear that he doesn't take kindly to his employees being messed with. Chris sneers, "You're going to believe that little whore?", and Jake reacts by punching him several times, causing him to fall backwards into the pool. Jane runs over and screams at Jake to stop...and a few seconds later, Sydney hurries down the steps and makes a beeline over to Jake's apartment to thank him for defending her honor, emphasizing that it's something no one's ever done before. She leans in for a kiss...and Jake weakly says they prolly shouldn't be doing this, but then easily gives in and reciprocates her smooch.

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Recap: Jane and Chris are hosting a party (in Jane's apartment) with most of the Melrose Place gang in attendance. Chris gushes about what a super talented designer Jane is, and then Jane gushes about how her design business is only successful 'cause of his expert help. Sydney interjects to tell the partygoers that she too is a fashion designer - but everyone just chuckles and is all, "Whatever, Syd." She then ambles over to the kitchen, and Chris follows her and leans in close as he creepily murmurs, "We both know where your real talents lie, don't we, Syd?" 

Jo tells Alison she's starting to worry that she won't be able to afford to keep her baby, complaining that 1) she has no health insurance, 2) the lawyer fees to battle the Carters in court are going to wipe out her savings, and 3) she can't get as much freelance photography work as she used to now that she's pregnant. Chris, who's been eavesdropping on the conversation, tells Jo that he and Jane would be delighted to hire her to photograph the design firm's winter catalogue, and Jo's all, "Thaaaaaank you!" and beams at him gratefully. 

After the party, Sydney once again tells Jane that Chris is a loathsome sleazebag who's been crudely propositioning her and threatening to send her back to the sanitarium. An irked Jane tells her to shut it and accuses her of trying to ruin her relationship...and Sydney warns that one day she'll be very sorry she chose to trust her ghastly beau over her own sister. 
​
The next day, Sydney runs into Amanda, who asks her to please move her stuff out of the storage locker now that she's squatting in Jane's apartment. Sydney says she'd really really like to rent her own apartment again, and Amanda says she's A-OK with that, as long as she can get her financials in order. Sydney promises to get on that asap and skips off - just as Jake wanders over and asks Amanda if she's free for lunch, and she responds by staring at him coquettishly. 

Later at D&D, Amanda is in a pointless meeting with Michael and Kimberly to discuss the ad campaign that Jane wants to launch for her design firm...and that the gruesome twosome want to delay for no other reason than to annoy Jane. As the two file out of the conference room, Bruce wanders in and asks Amanda who she was meeting with just now. She grimly describes Michael and Kimberly as doctors Frankenstein - but Bruce says he likes the cut of their jib so much that he wants to use them as models for a series of lifestyle ads for a big client: Factors Gourmet Coffee. Amanda makes a seriously? face and says she's not sure the couple is really the best casting choice - but Bruce sternly orders her to make it work, then warns that her "star" has been falling at D&D ever since the damaging Chas lawsuit storyline from last season.

Susan Madsen is waiting in the D&D reception area for Alison to show herself when she encounters Billy, who assumes she's there 'cause she applied for the assistant job. He tells her he works with Alison, and she murmurs, "Lucky Alison" - just as Alison rushes over, greets her, and introduces her to Billy as her college roommate/BFF. Susan explains to Billy that she's been studying at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris and has just been hired as a chef in a new Santa Barbara restaurant. 

Amanda heads over to the hospital to sweet talk Michael and Kimberly into posing as models for a series of lifestyle ads designed to peddle Factors Gourmet Coffee. She offers to pay them $5,000 each and wanks that they're the perfect young, urban professionals to appeal to the company's target demographic...then says that a non-negotiable condition for the gig is that they need to sign off on the ad campaign for Jane's design firm. Michael excitedly says he's definitely into the idea, and Amanda's all, "Yay!" and says she'd like to use their beach house for the photo shoot's venue. After she scampers off, Kimberly tells Michael she's afraid that the modelling job is going to violate the hospital's "self promotion rules", so Michael condescendingly says he'll talk to Peter about, since it's obvious he doesn't like her very much...and says this as though he hasn't twigged onto the fact that Peter seems equally as disdainful of him. 

Michael makes a beeline over to Peter Burns's office to inform him that he and Kimberly have been asked by an advertising firm to model for a magazine ad during their off duty time...and Peter responds by chiding Michael for being so crassly commercial, adding that since they're residents who are on duty 24/7 every day (which I doubt could possibly be legal), they don't technically have any off duty time and are expected to devote every waking hour of their lives to serving the hospital.

Over lunch, Jake shows Amanda the $50,000 check he got from the FBI for his part in helping resolve Palmer's attempt to escape justice. He tells Amanda he'd love her advice on how to turn this 50K into some real financial security for himself, so she suggests he dabble in real estate and/or buy a restaurant or club...and adds that she just heard Shooters is on the market. She then tells him she has to rush back to work and asks him if he wouldn't mind delivering an info packet regarding the upcoming ad campaign to Jane at her design firm. 

Billy lumbers over to the downtown park where Alison and Susan are having lunch and asks if he can join them...and when Alison shoots him an unwelcome glare, he gets a clue and glumly mutters that he'll go find his own bench. Once he's safely out of hearing range, Alison explains to a confused Susan that Billy is her ex-fiancé and that there's a whole lot they need to catch up on. 

Over at Jane Mancini Designs, Chris is brazenly ogling Sydney as she works...and when he hovers over her in his usual predatory way, she wearily tells him to just do whatever he's going to do. Chris chuckles at her "paranoia", then chides her for arriving late for work that morning, tut-tutting that tardiness is a bad habit. Sydney snarks back that she'll make up for her lateness at the end of the day, then storms over to the back room - just as Jake arrives to deliver Amanda's info packet. Chris remarks to Jake that Sydney has a tasty rear end which guys used to pay a lot of money for...then cackles, "Thinking about taking it out in trade." Jake's all, "The fuck..?" and stares at Chris in icked out bewilderment, then declines a tip for dropping off the info packet, snappishly explaining that he's a friend of Jane's, not a messenger service. 

In the Melrose Place courtyard, Jo runs into Jake, who's decked out in a suit and tie for a fancy meeting downtown. She tells him she heard about the 50K reward, compliments him on how nice he cleans up, and says he missed a great party that Jane and her beau threw the other night. Jake makes a blech face at the mention of Chris and calls him a creep before recounting his 'taking it out in trade' remark about Sydney. 

Peter is on the phone when Amanda steps into his office...and he's so thunderstruck by her blonde hotness that he tells whoever he's talking to, "Someone extraordinary just walked into my office." She introduces herself and tells him she'd very much like it if he gave permission to Michael and Kimberly to appear in the Factors Coffee magazine ad, and he quickly says he'd be more than happy to consider it. Amanda points out that the ad would demystify the medical profession while also offering free publicity for the hospital, and Peter gazes at her all smitten-like and is all, "Sold!" He proceeds to invite her out to dinner...and when she sassily calls him arrogant and asks if there's a Mrs. Burns in the picture, he tells her there is and that she's his mother [womp womp!]. Amanda grins and says she'll let him know about dinner, then sashays out.

Jo is at Jane's studio, busily photographing the company's winter catalogue. When Jane wanders over to gush about how awesome Chris is, Jo's like, "Uh, about that" and repeats Chris's 'taking it out in trade' remark that Jake had passed along to her. Jane rolls her eyes and says she doesn't believe a word of it and is naively assuming that it's all just a big misunderstanding.

Back at Melrose Place, Susan asks Billy to taste-test a new recipe, and he eats a spoonful of whatever she concocted and confirms its deliciousness. She then invites him inside Alison's apartment so she can give him a bag filled with some personal stuff he left behind - just as Alison returns home and looks less than thrilled to see Billy in her living room. After he beats a hasty retreat, she fixes herself a martini.

While strolling along the beach that evening, Jane blabs to Chris that Jake has been telling people he said a really creepy thing about Sydney, and Chris faux explains that Jake happened to walk in on a tiff that he and Sydney were having regarding him threatening to dock her pay because of her tardiness, and that Sydney was the one who saucily suggested he take it out in trade. Chris then says it might be best for everyone if Sydney moved out of the apartment and got a job elsewhere...or better yet, be returned to the sanitarium for some much-needed mental health counselling. When Jane balks at the idea of sending her sister back to that wretched place, Chris urges her to at least think about it.

Jake has summoned the Melrose Place gang to Shooters to treat them to free drinks...and to announce - surprise! - that he just bought the place. As everyone congratulates him on his latest business venture, Jane storms in and confronts Jake about "falsely" spreading the word about what a creep Chris is. An unfazed Jake stands by his opinion and dismissively retorts that if she doesn't want to believe that her not-right-in-the-head boyfriend is one sick individual, it's entirely her prerogative.

Jane returns home and finds Sydney on the couch watching TV, and starts railing about how sick she is of her trying to ruin her relationship with Chris. Sydney insists that she had nothing to do with what Jake told Jo - but Jane refuses to listen and declares that she's officially fired from the studio and that she needs to move out of the apartment by the end of the week.

The next day at the beach, Jo is prepping for the Factors Coffee photo shoot, while Michael, Kimberly, and a sweet golden retriever get professionally primped. When Peter Burns appears and wanders in the direction of the shoot, Amanda happily rushes over to greet him.

Back at Melrose Place, Susan panics when her van won't start...and when Billy asks her whassup, she wails that she has to be in Santa Barbara to meet with her new boss in a couple of hours. Billy offers to drive her - just as Alison appears and haughtily says that if her friend needs to get somewhere she'll be the one to provide a lift. She and Billy then bicker about whose vehicle is better equipped to make the journey to Santa Barbara...blah blah...and in the end, they all concur that Billy's new car is probably the best transportation option.

Sydney goes to the police station to report Chris for plotting against her, and that she has proof - meaning Jake's eyewitness account - of a particularly creepy comment that was directed at her. The uninterested officer tells her she's wasting her time and informs her that Chris has already preemptively warned him that she'd likely make this type of accusation against him. He sternly tells her that if she can't find a job and/or place to live before the end of the weekend, he's going to strongly recommend that she be re-institutionalized.

While en route to Santa Barbara in Billy's convertible, Susan and Billy banter about cars, while Alison stares moodily into the distance. When they arrive at De La Mer (Susan's new place of employment), the ashen-faced restauranteur breaks the news to Susan that he can't open as planned 'cause an investor unexpectedly pulled out.

While wandering through a nearby park, Susan laments having no van, no job, and no place to live. Alison suggests she move in with her and points out that there's a ton of restaurants in L.A. with which she could seek employment. When Billy chimes in and agrees that that's a great idea, Alison suggests he drive back to L.A. alone so that she and Susan can take the train back to the city and engage in some much-needed girl talk.

Over dinner at a fancy restaurant, Peter gushes at Amanda about her gorgeousness...and when she changes the subject and asks him what it's like to run a hospital, he grumbles, "I inherited a mess." He tells her he fully intends to clean house and rid himself of some undesirable resident doctors, then asks her if she thinks he should fire Kimberly and Michael, both of whom he cannot stand. A bewildered Amanda asks why he'd leave that kind of decision up to her, and he stares at her dreamily and coos, "I'm under your spell" to such a degree that he's in the mood to just blindly do whatever she tells him to. Amanda chortles, then raises her glass and toasts, "To Michael and Kimberly. Que será, será."

Inside Shooters, Sydney seats herself at the bar and orders a beer. She tells Jake she heard that he told Jane what a disgusting cretin Chris is - but that Jane didn't believe her and promptly fired her and kicked her out of the apartment, moaning that without a job and a home she's likely to be forcibly re-institutionalized. She wonders aloud if maybe she is a bad person - but Jake says he doesn't believe that, and knows from personal experience that bad things are always happening to good people. He then hands her a rag and says there's a waitressing job at Shooters if she wants it...and if she does, he'd be happy to sign off on her work release papers. Sydney tears up and profusely thanks him, promising to be the best waitress he ever had.

Susan asks Alison why she pushed Billy away after publicly accusing her father of incest, so Alison explains that she didn't so much push him away than she ditched him at the altar [seems like hair-splitting, but OK] mainly 'cause she doesn't feel safe with anyone and at the moment has zero desire for any type of intimacy. Susan urges her to talk to Billy - but Alison makes it clear she's not interested in any more tête-à-têtes with her boneheaded ex and sharply warns Susan that if she does decide to move in, she shouldn't expect them to become The Three Musketeers.  

Amanda hands Sydney the keys to her old apartment, then explains that Chris has taken it upon himself to pay her rent. Sydney stares back at her in horror and vows to repay Chris for however much rent he paid, and a disinterested Amanda's all, "I really don't give a shit who pays, as long as the rent is covered every month."

Michael backslaps Peter for scoring a date with a hottie like Amanda, sophomorically adding that he never had the chance to tap that 'cause he was married when she joined the cast as a perpetual "special guest star". Peter admonishes him for his sexist, demeaning-to-women comments and snappishly tells him he needs to shape up or ship out.

Billy runs into Susan on the street and invites her out for a sushi lunch - but Susan declines and says she prolly shouldn't start dating her best friend's ex-fiancé. Billy asks her if she'd feel differently if they had met by chance, and she's like, "Dunno", but then admits she's sorry they didn't meet that way.

Jake asks Sydney to close up Shooters while he walks Jo home, and Sydney assures him it's no problem and thanks him for entrusting her with the bar. She selects a song from the jukebox and starts wiping down the tables and chairs...and a few seconds later, Chris (!) bursts into the bar and creepishly demands that she start paying him back for his advance on her rent. He then grabs her, smacks her face, and rips open her shirt as he throws her onto the pool table. Sydney frantically grabs a nearby pool cue and clubs him over the head with it, then bolts into the storage room and locks herself inside. Chris knocks on the door and ominously cackles about how he plans to propose to Jane, which will give him everything he's ever wanted: "A mother for my children and a whore just for me." He then growls goodbye and saunters off while Sydney sinks to the floor and sobs. 

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: After motorcycling all night, Jake stops at a gas station to fuel up. He heads over to a nearby pay phone and dials Jo's number - but she's unable to rush out of the shower in time to answer...and so Jake assumes she's not home and hangs up. A few seconds later, Amanda drops by Jo's apartment looking for Jake, and Jo tells her he's not here...and explains that after they argued last night, Jake declared that there was nothing left for him in Melrose Place and pissily took off on his bike. Amanda's all, "Say wuh?" and bitchily accuses Jo of provoking Jake to leave 'cause of all the pressure she put on him, and Jo snaps back that she is equally guilty of that...then tells her to get lost, 'cause she's grappling with the stark reality that she may just have lost a dear friend.

At D&D, Alison asks Elizabeth why she's been processing the files in Billy's outbox but not hers, and Elizabeth shrugs disinterestedly and says she simply didn't notice them. Alison presses harder and accuses her of ignoring her outbox and reminds the flunky that she's supposed to also be her assistant, so Elizabeth explains that since Billy's outbox is always so full, she assumed that it included both their files. She half-heartedly apologizes for the oversight, and Alison reacts to the [what seems to me like a] benign misunderstanding by storming into Amanda's office to rail about what a shitty assistant Elizabeth is. Amanda says she's surprised to hear that, given what an eager beaver she is...and asks Alison if she's not just a teensy bit jealous of Elizabeth. Alison haughtily denies being at all jealous and points out that Elizabeth is not doing the job to her satisfaction, and Amanda chews on that for a few seconds and promises to have a chat with the inept employee.

Over at the hospital, Matt enters the office of the Chief of Staff expecting to find Dr. Levin - and quickly learns that the dud has been replaced with the far more telegenic Dr. Peter Burns. Peter invites him to come in and chat about whatever's on his mind, so Matt interprets that as a green light to blab about how Kimberly was appointed the chair of the Social Services Committee and has proven herself to "a pretty brutal administrator", meaning she only cares about the hospital's revenue and not the hardships she's causing to the uninsured when she heartlessly steel-toes them out the door. Peter reacts by staring back at him contemplatively and promises to do his best to remedy the troubling situation asap.

Elizabeth tearfully informs Billy that she was just fired, bitterly adding, "Apparently someone didn't like my work and went to management." Billy coos about how sorry he is to hear that and promises to call soon [spoiler: not]. Once she's out of earshot, he asks Alison, who's been eavesdropping on the conversation, if she was the one who complained about Elizabeth...and Alison admits that, yep, she lodged a tiny complaint with Amanda - but didn't do so with the intention of getting Elizabeth fired. As Billy shoots her the stink-eye, Alison points out how hard Elizabeth sucked at her job, and that tattling to Amanda about it was purely business, not personal. Billy continues to glare, then snarls, "I never noticed how petty and vindictive you can be" before huffing off.

While dining out at a fancy restaurant, Jane gushes to Chris about how much she's enjoying her design firm's success, then wrings her hands about how she wishes that Sydney too could enjoy a happy, fruitful life instead of always being such a damn train wreck. She says that tomorrow is Sydney's birthday...and that she doesn't even know if she should plan anything, so Chris suggests she organize a small outing, e.g. the three of them going out dancing together. Jane mulls that over and somehow decides that asking her sister to third-wheel it to a club with her and creepy boyfriend sounds like just the thing that'll improve her mood. The two then indulge in an amorous smooch, and Jane breathily tells Chris she really really wants to go to his place, like right now.

After the two arrive at Chris's place, Jane purrs about how eager she is to leap into the sack, awkwardly adding that she responsibly planned ahead by slipping a condom into her purse...and Chris kind of flinches at the prospect and tells her he "wants to do this right" and not rush things. He proposes that instead of intercourse they spoon all night, explaining, "Things that can be had too easily can't be valued." Jane looks deeply impressed by his (frankly needless) restraint and says that him wanting to save himself for her means sooooo much to her, and that she's A-OK with zero penetration for the foreseeable future.

Elsewhere across the country/state (?), Jake motors up to a beautiful family home. He knocks on the door and tells the woman who answers that he's looking for Vince Connors...and a few seconds later, Vince rushes over to handle the situation and snarkishly tells Jake that they have nothing to talk about. When Jake refuses to budge from the doorstep, Vince suggests they meet up at a nearby coffee shop tomorrow and chat about what in blazes he thinks he's doing, showing up at his house unannounced.

After Jane has fallen asleep, Chris climbs out of bed and phones Sydney to creepily pronounce, "I know you're in bed, and I know you're alone." He adds that he's been thinking about her and what she might be wearing, then asks her if she's decent under the sheets. Sydney's all, "The fuck..?" and hastily hangs up the phone.

The next morning at the coffee shop, Vince asks Jake how he was able to locate him, and Jake explains that his mom gave him his general contact info, and that he's been keeping tabs on him over the years. Vince acknowledges he's his bio dad - but only 'cause he crossed paths with his drunken ma in a bar and got it on with her, despite the fact that he was married with a child. When Jake grimly says he's heard the icky conception story, Vince pulls out his check book and asks him how much he wants. A visibly offended Jake says he doesn't want his money, then explains that he grew up missing having a dad he knew was out there somewhere - but never within reach. Vince shrugs disinterestedly and says there's nothing he's willing to do 'bout that now, and makes it clear he doesn't want him anywhere near his wife or kids. Jake abruptly says, "Forget it" and says he's prolly better off not knowing any more about him - but Vince looks as though he's having a sudden change of heart and asks, "Why now?" Jake explains that lately he's lost a lot, and that for once he wanted to find something. Vince mulls that over and invites him to his house for dinner...but only with the understanding that 1) he needs to leave right after the meal, and 2) he'll be introduced to his family as the son of an old college roommate.

Jane and Chris arrive at the design studio and are irked when they find Michael sitting at her desk, looking over company files. He waves around a document titled Creative Non-interference and asks whassup with this, so Chris explains that he had his lawyer draw it up for him to sign so that he and Jane didn't have to consult with him every time they want to develop a new clothing line. Chris then announces that he's off to a meeting...and once he's safetly out of hearing range, Michael chides Jane about her "slick" boyfriend trying to pull a fast one. He warns that Chris is manipulating her into trusting him, and Jane's like, "I do trust him", then tells him to get lost 'cause she has a business to run.  

Jake is at Casa Connors for dinner...and when Mrs. Connors asks him where he's staying while in town, he says he booked a room in a nearby motel. She frowns at that and invites him to stay at the house, and Jake's all, "Sounds great!" while Vince glowers in irritation.

Jo tells Alison she's been worried about Jake ever since he suddenly disappeared, and Alison grumbles about how much she'd looooove it if Billy suddenly disappeared. [I second that.] Jo urges her to forget about the wooden-faced numb-brain and move on with her life, then tells her there's a guy across the bar who's been ogling her all night. When Alison makes eye contact with her admirer, he saunters over, introduces himself as Mitch, and offers to buy them drinks.

Over at Dominique's (a dance club), Jane motions over at a despondent looking Sydney and asks Chris if he would please attempt to cheer her up by asking her to dance. When Sydney glumly follows Chris onto the dance floor, he leans in and whispers, "Are you decent under that dress?" Sydney stares at him in horrified disgust and calls him out for saying something as equally icky on the phone last night...and when Jane reappears after a trip to the ladies room, Sydney insists on going home right now. 

Mitch walks Alison to her apartment and asks if he can come in, and she's like, "OK, just for a minute." Once inside, the two smooch urgently, then start to really get it on atop the couch.

Across the courtyard, Sydney is laying on the pullout couch watching TV when Chris calls to creepishly inform her he left a present for her in the top drawer of Jane's desk. When Sydney investigates, she finds a wrapped box containing lacy black underwear, which...ew.

The next morning, Alison wakes up in her bed as Mitch is quietly getting dressed, no doubt with the intention of sneaking outa there undetected. He tells her he's off to work...and when she asks when she'll see him again, he suggests they meet up at Shooters tonight and go somewhere for dinner. He then hovers over her, gives her a smooch, and smarmily says, "You were wonderful last night."

Sydney comes right out and tells Jane that Chris has been coming on to her very ickily since the previous episode - but Jane refuses to believe it and chides Sydney for lying in an effort to break them up. Sydney says she has proof, then shows her the black lace underwear he bought her for her birthday, and Jane nonsensically accuses her of planting the panties herself. A few seconds later, Chris calls and asks Sydney if she's wearing her present...but when he hears her whisper to Jane that it's Chris on the phone being gross, he pretends he merely called to tell Jane he's going to pick her up at 8pm. 

Alison arrives at D&D with a post-coital glow on her face. She smugly tells Billy she has a very satisfying life right now, and Billy grumbles, "It couldn't happen to a nicer snitch." Alison then runs into Amanda and blushingly asks her if she wouldn't mind covering for her at tonight's photoshoot 'cause she has a date with someone who means a lot to her, and Amanda assures her it's no problem and remarks, "He must be some great guy" while Billy openly scowls.

Michael and Kimberly drop by Peter Burns' office with a houseplant, and Peter curtly thanks them, then brusquely tells Kimberly he's removing her from the Social Services Review Committee 'cause he wants someone in charge who has more sensitivity. Michael smarmily applauds his willingness to restructure staff, unlike his predecessor - but Peter tells him to shut it and warns that he's going to be a 'play no games and take no crap' kind of boss.

Jake is gabbling with Vince's two kids about his motorcycle when Vince pulls up, barks at his kids to wash up for dinner, and gruffly asks Jake why he's still here. Jake reminds him that 1) his wife invited him to stay, and 2) he is his bio son - but Vince angrily accuses him of hanging around 'cause he wants to ruin his life. Jake argues that he simply wants to matter to his dad and wishes he'd give a damn - but quickly gives up on that pipe dream and motors off. 

Alison is at Shooters, waiting for Mitch to show up. She heads over to the nearest pay phone and leaves a message on his machine, reminding him about their date that he's half an hour late for. 

Vince tails Jake and honks at him to pull over...and once the two are parked on the side of the road, a regretful Vince says he didn't want to leave things on a bad note. He pulls out a photo of Jake in his high school football uniform and admits that he thinks about him a lot and really does give a damn. He pulls Jake into a hug and asks if he's headed home...and when Jake's like, "Er,  maybe..?", Vince asks if he has people who care for him wherever he's living. Jake says he does, so Vince tells him that that's where he needs to be, and to please get in touch every now and again.

Jake drops by Jo's apartment to announce his return, and she stares at him incredulously and snarks, "How dare you leave town for a day and a half!" and cause her to worry. He apologizes, hugs her, and assures her he's back to being a permanent Melrose Place resident.

Alison shows up at Mitch's workplace to call him out for being a "using, lying, shallow creep". She says she won't stand for being treated this way, especially not by a loser such as himself. Mitch tells her that, to him, their roll in the hay was just one night of fun, and that it's not his fault if she can't handle fun. Alison argues that she can handle fun, then picks up a pitcher of water that just happens to be standing on a nearby table and pours it over his head. Haha!

Jake heads up to Amanda's apartment to explain that he briefly left town 'cause he needed to work something out on his own, and Amanda pretends that she has no intention of giving him back his apartment...but then quickly relents and hands him his keys, weakly demanding a security deposit. Jake grins, takes the keys, and leans in to give her a grateful cheek kiss.

Jake enters his apartment, which has remained unchanged after he pretended to abandon it less than two days earlier. He plays his phone messages, which includes one about overdue boat slip fees...and then a second about collecting ample reward money for his role in resolving the Palmer Woodward 'fugitive from justice' case. 

Sydney ambles across the courtyard to throw away garbage when Chris suddenly appears out of nowhere, presses himself against her, and nonsensically warns that if she continues to resist his grotesque advances, he'll convince Jane that she's so crazy she belongs in a padded cell. [Sounds like a ridiculously weak plan, but OK.] He forcibly kisses her, says, "I'll be in touch", and then races off...leaving Sydney staring after him in repulsed puzzlement.

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: While laying in bed together, Kimberly gushes to Michael about his prowess in the sack, then blissfully declares that she's with the man she loves and wants them to be official once he's legally divorced from Sydney. Michael tells her he's working on that, so she then gabbles about how excited she is about their imminent transfer out of L.A. so they can start a new life elsewhere. Michael dryly tells her not to start packing, adding, "I'm not in the mood to move." He then climbs out of bed and ambles into the bathroom, coldly instructing her to give him a shout when breakfast is ready...and she stares after him with a crestfallen expression on her face.

Over at D&D, Amanda receives a package containing a videotape that was recorded by Palmer before he got shot/blown up by Kathy Ireland. He apologizes for skipping out on her and says that by the time she gets this he'll prolly be halfway to Mexico after hijacking Jake's boat. He chucklingly tells her not to hate him, and she responds by glaring at the TV in dismay.

Amanda heads over to the marina and is further dismayed to see that Jake's boat is gone from its slip...then looks concerned when she spots a couple of police officers milling around. She sashays over, introduces herself as a friend of the owner of the Pretty Lady, and says she's pretty sure her fugitive father is a passenger aboard the boat. When she adds that she's already alerted the FBI, one of the officers breaks the news that last night someone witnessed the explosion of the Pretty Lady off the coast of Catalina.

At the hospital, Michael runs into Matt and gleefully tells him he got his memory back, and that he's super thrilled to resume his life as a doctor and Kimberly's main man. A concerned looking Matt reminds him that since Kimberly tried to kill him at least twice he should prolly pack a bag and move out of the beach house post haste - but Michael snarlingly tells him to keep his nose out of his bidness and dickishly asks, "Do I judge your lifestyle, man?" A dismayed Matt stares after Michael perplexedly while he joyously skips down the hall.

Back at D&D, a pretty young blonde sashays over to Billy and introduces herself as Elizabeth Wyatt, aka his/Alison's new assistant. She wanks him about how much she looooved his writing in Escapade Magazine and coquettishly adds that he looked great on the cover [that time Nancy Donner somehow thought it was a winning idea to so prominently feature one of her staff writers]. Billy perks up at the flattery and invites her out to lunch - just as a peeved looking Alison wanders over to pull him aside and privately chide him for flirting with their new assistant. Billy denies doing any such thing, and Alison's like, "Whatever" before bitchily handing him some notes for an upcoming meeting.

Jane and Sydney are toiling away at the design studio when Michael bursts in and demands that Sydney sign the divorce papers. When Sydney's response is, "Go to hell", he threatens to get her to change her mind by sending Kimberly over to "reason" with her. Jane interjects and tells him they'll get back to him with a proposed divorce settlement, and Michael reluctantly agrees to give them until the end of the day to respond.

That evening, Jo drops by Amanda's apartment to complain about a running water issue, and a despondent Amanda's like, "I don't give a shit, call a plumber" and tells her to get lost. Jo puts her concerned face on and asks her what's wrong, so Amanda tells her that the Pretty Lady blew up off the coast of Catalina, likely with her father and Jake on board. As a stunned Jo's all, "OMG!", Amanda tells her to stuff it with her shocked reaction 'cause she can't deal with another person's grief, then asks her please keep mum about it until morning. 

The next morning, Chris arrives at Jane's apartment for a smooch and to suggest that Sydney's divorce settlement include Michael's share of her design firm. Sydney concurs and acknowledges that she needs to repay Jane for everything she's done for her...and after Jane and Chris head out, she calls Michael and arranges for them to meet up for dinner so they can haggle over the specifics of the divorce settlement.

Over in the courtyard, Alison runs into Amanda and asks if her D&D workstation can be moved further away from Billy's, and Amanda responds by haughtily comparing the levels of seriousness of their respective problems:

• Alison wants her workstation relocated 'cause she finds it awkward to work in such close proximity to Billy now that they're broken up
• Jake and Palmer are presumed dead after the Pretty Lady exploded last night

She bitchily says she'll make the desk relocation her top priority and stomps off, leaving an aghast looking Alison staring after her in bewilderment.

Billy gets the bad news about Jake while on the phone at D&D. When he explains the sitch to Elizabeth, she clucks sympathetically and offers comfort by touching his hand - just as Alison ambles over to shoot Elizabeth the stink-eye and ask Billy to let her know if he learns anything further about Jake's rescue or recovery.

Over dinner at a fancy restaurant, Michael tells Sydney he's going to stick with Kimberly out of a deep sense of guilt and shame, and offers to give her (Sydney) a payout of $5,000 to sign the divorce papers. Sydney calls that nuts, then reminds him that he once professed his love for her - and he counters that she's just as nuts as Kimberly and reminds her that while in the sanitarium she confessed to trying to kill him. Sydney says that for whatever God-only-knows-why reason she really really wants to stay married to him...and when Michael wearily tells her to just take the $5,000 and get out of his life, Sydney responds by getting miffed and declaring that the divorce settlement is going to have to include him giving up his share of Jane's design firm...and that if he refuses, she'll hire a lawyer. 

Back at Melrose Place, Jane and Chris are smooching on her couch...and when she self-deprecatingly wonders aloud what he ever saw in her, he coos about her talent, all the things they can accomplish together, and purrs, "I need everything you have to offer." He tells her she's beautiful, gives her a final smooch, and abruptly says he should be heading home now.

Later that night, Coast Guard officers are searching the area where Pretty Lady exploded when they miraculously find Jake clinging to a buoy for dear life. They hastily toss him a life preserver and tow him towards their boat.

In the Melrose Place courtyard, Alison, Billy, Jo, and Matt have gathered together to lament the loss of Jake - when suddenly an exhausted looking Jake stumbles in. Jo tears up and rushes over to hug him, but he just kind of pushes her aside and promises everyone he'll fill them in on everything he just endured after he talks to Amanda. 

Amanda is visibly relieved to see that Jake is alive and well, and has somehow convinced herself that her dad was able to escape to South America. Jake tells her he's 100% sure Palmer is dead, then describes how Kathy Ireland shot him before motoring away on her boat and then detonating the Pretty Lady. He describes how he spotted the stash of explosives seconds before everything went kaboom!, dove into the ocean in the nick of time, and miraculously survived. He further explains that Palmer and Kathy Ireland had been in cahoots to carry out a revenge plot against him (Jake) - until she unexpectedly turned on Palmer, this is - and that their plan was to blow up the Pretty Lady (with him on it) before absconding with the $1 million via a second boat. A deflated Amanda stares back at him sadly and mumbles, "Well...there it is." 

Jane warns Sydney to keep her guard up when it comes to Michael attempting to wear her down during their divorce negotiations, and Sydney assures her she'll do her very best to not screw the pooch 'cause she's determined to convince Michael to hand over his share of her design firm. Jane says if they can't hammer out a settlement, she's going to hire a lawyer...and a few seconds after she heads off to work, Sydney calls Michael at the hospital. He tells her he had papers drawn up and wants to meet up in person in a hotel room, and Sydney perkily agrees to stop by - despite that sounding like a really really bad idea that nothing good could possibly come of.

Amanda is summoned to the morgue to officially ID Palmer...whose body is somehow fully intact and identifiable after being on a boat that got blown up and then burned to smithereens. When the coroner pulls open the drawer containing Palmer's remains, Amanda asks the doctor and Jake to give her a moment alone with the corpse, which mercifully takes place off camera.

At Shooters, Jo tells Alison she's suddenly finding it difficult to be just platonic with Jake and can't decide if she should share her feelings with him or keep it to herself. [Definitely keep it to yourself, Jo.] Alison urges her to share these feelings with Jake and figure out where they stand - just as she spots Billy enter the bar with Elizabeth. She snarkishly tells Jo how nauseating it is, watching the perky blonde drool all over her ex...then gets up and wanders over to where they're standing. She pulls Billy aside to chide him about how unprofessional it is of him to date their assistant, and Billy nonsensically retorts that the only reason he ended up working at D&D was 'cause he got fired at his previous job for helping her out. He accuses her of repeatedly blowing off their relationship, flatly refuses to stop seeing Elizabeth, and snidely pronounces, "She's you, two years ago." Ouch.

Jake escorts Amanda back to her apartment...and she flops onto her couch, thanks him for accompanying her to the morgue, and pontificates about how her dad is prolly better off dead than languishing in a prison cell. Jake leans in to give her a comforting hug - but when she responds by kissing him, he pulls away and says he wants to remain un-coupled for the foreseeable future. Amanda poutishly argues, "But I neeeeeeed you" and says she feels as though he's abandoning her...and he insists he's not, but then gets up and beats a hasty retreat. 

Sydney arrives at the hotel to meet up with Michael, and he strips off his flannel shirt, sexily canoodles her, and tells her he's only sticking with Kimberly 'cause he's too afraid not to. Between smooches, he says if he doesn't provide Kimberly with proof that he's divorced she might come after her (meaning Sydney), and that he absolutely can't let that happen. He coos about how desperately he needs her trust to get rid of crazy Kimberly, and Sydney softens and looks as though she's buying this obvious nonsense. He calls her his soulmate, begs her to sign the divorce papers, saying, "It's the only way out" ... and so Sydney stupidly scribbles her signature on the papers. When he sees that she's signed, he immediately puts an end to the canoodling, chuckles about how she just relinquished all rights to his share of Jane's design firm, and holds up a large stash o' cash (aka the $5,000 divorce settlement) and quips, "Taking money for not having sex...little odd, don't you think?" After he smugly sashays out of the room, a humiliated Sydney vows to make him suffer for fooling her so ridiculously easily. 

The next day at Jane Mancini Designs, Jane tells Sydney that they have an appointment with their new lawyer this afternoon - but Sydney insists that it's not necessary and fibs that Michael agreed to all of her demands. Jane smiles in response and says she'll go ahead and cancel the appointment with the lawyer. 

Jo stops in at Jake's apartment and asks if they can have a tête-à-tête, then comes right out and tells him that it really hurt her feelings when he brushed her off her last night in favor of going up to Amanda's apartment. An incredulous looking Jake asks if she thinks staying in the courtyard and chatting with her should have been his priority after nearly getting blown up, and she's like, "Er, yeah..?" and says he really needs to have the right priorities. Jake bellows about how sick and tired he is of all "the petty garbage" at the Melrose Place complex and accuses Jo of being self absorbed...then goes on a rant about how he's tried to do right by people, only to have his efforts bite him in the ass. He declares that he's adopting a new life philosophy of "don't help anyone or expect help in return" and barks at Jo to leave...and as he slams the door after her, she snarls, "Have a nice life."

Michael bursts into Jane Mancini Designs and tells Jane and Chris he's been going over their books - and Jane interjects and is all, "Wuh? I thought you gave up your share of the business." Michael smugly reveals that he settled the divorce for a measly $5,000...and Jane glares over at Sydney, who sheepishly apologizes for being so stupidly gullible. Michael smilingly thanks Sydney for signing the papers and saunters out...and Sydney admits to handling her divorce settlement  in the dumbest way possible, and that it's become painfully clear that Michael wants to be part of her (Jane's) life any way he can. 

Back at D&D, Alison and Billy are discussing an important account - just as Elizabeth wanders over. Billy includes her in the discussion and tells an appalled looking Alison that it's definitely appropriate to welcome their assistant's feedback...but when Elizabeth looks visibly uncomfortable and hastily excuses herself to go to the filing room, Alison chides Billy for treating a low level employee as a peer. She asks if he and the blonde are an item...and when Billy declines to answer, Alison gives him a heads up that she's been asked out by someone from the office and is planning on saying yes. Billy's like, "I couldn't give even the tiniest of rat's asses", then asks her to please remove the framed photo of the two of them from her work desk 'cause it's making Elizabeth uncomfortable. 

Jake packs a bag, then heads over to Matt's apartment to hand over his keys and ask him to pass along a message to Amanda that he's moving out and has zero idea where he's headed. A stunned Matt shakes his hand and wishes him well...and then Jake climbs atop his motorcycle and rides off into the night.

Recap: Michael is having a black and white dream/flashback of when he got hit by a car during the Season 2 finale. He wakes in a panic, then glances over at Kimberly, who's sleeping peacefully beside him, and stares contemplatively into space (as though he's starting to get a slightly clearer picture in his muddled, amnesia-ed brain about who might have been driving the car that struck him). He climbs out of the bed and ambles onto the outdoor patio to stare at the ocean...and a few seconds later, Kimberly appears and gives him a from-behind canoodle. He tells her he's sooooo frustrated about his memory loss, and she cooingly tells him not to pressure himself too much and that he should learn to be content to live the rest of his life without remembering his past. He disagrees and says he needs to regain his memory 'cause he can't go on like this.

Over at Melrose Place, Amanda makes it clear to her fugitive father that she's less than thrilled with him for choosing to hide out in her apartment. She reminds him that when he first went on the lam, the FBI stalked her and nearly charged her with aiding and abetting a criminal. Palmer faux promises to turn himself in after he handles a personal matter that should take no more than a couple of days, and Amanda moans, "Pleeeease don't do this to me" and points out that if anyone sees that he's been hiding out at Melrose Place, she too could be shipped off to prison. Palmer emphasizes that that's not his intention, that all he's asking for is two days to take care of bidness, and smarmily expresses his delight in being able to manipulate - er count on her.

Across the courtyard, Jane tells Sydney she's giving her the day off from her new job at the design studio so she can adjust to her bogus sounding "work release" situation. She warns her sister to take the job seriously - but Sydney just grumbles about how she's broke, was put on probation for a crime she didn't commit, and has an ex-husband with selected amnesia. She expresses puzzlement about how Michael can remember all of his medical training, but nothing about his personal life - right?? - then wonders if perhaps something in his brain would be triggered if he saw her in person. Jane says it's not likely, given that he didn't remember her despite (or perhaps because of) their boring five year marriage. She urges Sydney to forget about Michael and his memory loss woes and heads off to work. 

Billy is packing up his stuff while Alison chats with Jo, who's bummed about being sued for custody of her unborn child. Alison assures her that no judge would take a baby away from its mother in favor of a pair of weird grandparents who sired a murderous drug dealer, then suggests she play it safe by pretending to reassure the Carters that she does, in fact, want them to be part of her spawn's life. A few seconds later, Billy reenters the room and bitchily orders Alison to return all the wedding gifts since she was the one who called off the wedding...and Alison somehow refrains from telling the pissy little man-child where he can shove his petty bitchitude.

​Jake returns to the Pretty Lady and looks visibly dismayed to see that Kathy Ireland still hasn't fuuuuucking departed his boat yet. He glares at her incredulously and asks, "What part of 'find another place' did you not understand?", so she poutishly tells him she checked into a seedy motel last night, but hates it 'cause it's small and musty. When she adds that her abusive husband found out that she's been staying on the boat and might storm over and give him the what-for, Jake shrugs disinterestedly and says he'll be sure to be on the lookout. He then firmly tells her he doesn't have anymore time for her B.S., not least 'cause he has an upcoming photoshoot booked aboard the Pretty Lady, and she moans, "I tried.." and dejectedly shuffles off. 

Over at D&D, Amanda tells Alison and Billy that they're close to landing an account with Glorious Gowns (a chain of bridal saloons), and that she needs them to step into a client meeting with her, like right now. Billy grumbles that he doesn't know anything about weddings, to which Alison snaps, "You would if you'd paid attention to your own." Amanda irritably tells them to shut it, act like professionals, and prepare to close the deal. A few seconds later, the three enter the conference room, where Amanda begins her final pitch to the head of Glorious Gowns (Bob McGovern). Alison chimes in with the discussion and suggests a photoshoot aboard a boat, brainstorming an idea involving the bride's veil and dress blowing in the wind as she jumps overboard. An incredulous Billy mutters, "Escaping from your own wedding...wonder where you got that idea" ... and after shooting him an incredulous stink-eye, Alison explains that the concept is more about taking the plunge than it is escaping a boneheaded fiancé. Bob McGovern gushes about how much he looooooves her idea, and Alison gaily says they have a boat on reserve for all of their photoshoots. Amanda cuts in to ask her if she's referring to Jake's boat...and when she says she is, Amanda brusquely informs her that D&D no longer does business with Jack Hanson 'cause she's still extremely miffed that he dumped her shortly before hitting the sheets with Kathy Ireland. 

Michael is sitting cross-legged on the beach when Sydney sashays over and seats herself beside him. He says hello to the pretty "stranger", tells her he's suffering from a strange case of selective amnesia, and can't seem to recall anything about his personal life. Sydney slyly introduces herself as Miranda and tells him that she used to live on the beach.

Jake drops by Amanda's apartment and demands to know if his dalliance with Kathy Ireland is the reason she cancelled all D&D business aboard the Pretty Lady, and she haughtily denies that by firmly declaring, "I don't make business decisions based on your carnal whims" ... even though she clearly just made a business decision based on his latest carnal whim. Jake calls her out for being jealous of his new sex-mate, and she snarlingly retorts that she's going to find a far better boat for D&D's photoshoots, then hustles him out the door. A few seconds later, Palmer emerges from his hiding place in the bedroom and tells her not to waste her time on a loser like Jake - but Amanda admonishes him for criticizing Jake, who she calls an honest man who was there for her when he (Palmer) skipped bail and ran off. She then wearily tells him to help himself to dinner, 'cause she's suddenly lost her appetite...and after she heads off to bed, Palmer picks up the phone to call Kathy Ireland and tell her they need to get their nefarious plan in motion asap.

Jo travels to Casa Carter to tell Reed's weird parents she was hoping they could work out this - frankly ridonkulous - custody issue out of court. She wankingly tells them she totally gets that they've been through a lot since Reed's [totally justified] killing, credits them for being so warm and understanding towards her during their L.A. visit, and has been racking her brain wondering why, in the name of all that is holy, they think that any judge in California would award a pair of odd grandparents custody of a baby who has a reasonably functioning mother. She earnestly says she wants her baby to know his/her father's family, to which Ma Carter snaps, "And that's supposed to make up for the fact that you murdered our son?" Pa Carter concurs with that sentiment and says he doesn't want his grandchild to be raised by a cold-blooded killer. An ashen-faced Jo calls this visit a mistake [ya think?] and heads toward the door, while Ma Carter lectures her about how her baby should be raised by people who have good values and sound moral judgement. Jo calls the grisly pair "sanctimonious, self-righteous hypocrites" and wails, "This is my baby!" and that no in way in hell are they ever going to change that. 

Michael returns to the beach house carrying a bag of groceries and finds "Miranda" lazing atop his deck lounger. He scrunches his face worriedly and tells her he doesn't live here alone, then admits that he's not married...to which Sydney perks up and starts smooching him. Michael pushes her away, says he's engaged to be married and that he strongly believes in fidelity. Sydney somehow refrains from laughing out loud at that pronouncement as she continues to smooch him - but he firmly pushes her away a second time and says that despite how beautiful she is, he really needs her to leave.

Billy storms into Amanda's office, throws a report onto her desk, and whiningly complains that he was up all night working on the copy for Glorious Gowns, only to be told by Alison that his writing skills are the shits. Amanda picks up the report, glances through it, and declares it great...and adds that Alison often allows herself to be affected by personal bias, and that she can only assume she's somehow threatened by his awe-inspiring ability to so quickly make the jump from journalism to advertising. She wankingly assures the thin-skinned imbecile that he's doing splendidly at D&D - despite his ridiculous lack of professionalism during two meetings so far - and promises to give Alison the what-for for her unsupportive 'tude.

Palmer is in a car with Kathy Ireland, who's practicing writing Amanda's signature. Palmer urges her to keep at it, 'cause he'd prefer to not involve his daughter in the 'bank withdrawal' part of their nefarious scheme. A fed up Kathy Ireland complains that she only agreed to rig Jake's boat with explosives, and that he's officially on his own figuring how to get $1 million out of his daughter's safety deposit box.

That evening, Amanda and Palmer are eating takeout...and Amanda makes it clear how deeply annoyed she is that he's still hiding out in her apartment. He's like, "Yeah whatever" and says he needs one more favor...then fibs about how he got involved with some bad people who are now demanding that he pay up all the money he owes them - otherwise they might come after his family (aka Amanda). When Amanda says that most of her money is tied up in her ownership of Melrose Place, Palmer reveals that years ago he opened a safety deposit box in both their names and deposited $1 million...and he now needs her help extracting the cash. 

Kimberly and Michael are leaving a restaurant after enjoying a sumptuous meal. As Michael crosses the street, a car suddenly races towards him...and he reacts by freezing and staring into the headlights like a startled deer as he suddenly recalls the identity of the person who tried to mow him down during the Season 2 finale. 

The following morning at the beach house, Kimberly basks in some post coital afterglow and gushes at Michael about how super awesomely he always performs in the sack. She remarks on how he's usually in the kitchen by this time, making them breakfast while she gets ready for work, so Michael tells her he feels ready to get back to being a doctor. Kimberly frowns disapprovingly and insists that he still needs to take a lot of time off to heal...and as she skips off to the bathroom, he glares after her with a look of disgust.

Amanda emerges from the bank carrying a briefcase full of cash and hurries back to her car where Palmer is waiting. He glances at the stack o' cash, approvingly says, "Good girl" and explains that he stashed the money in a safety deposit box so he wouldn't have to hand it over to his ex-wife as part of their divorce settlement. He adds that he only dug into it so he could help her (Amanda) with the down payment of Melrose Place. Amanda looks stunned by the admission, then grins happily and says she had no idea that this secret stash was the source of that funding. 

Kathy Ireland sneaks aboard the Pretty Lady carrying a big black bag filled with explosives, officially launching Palmer's nefarious, way-out-of-proportion revenge plot to blow up Jake and his boat.

Back at D&D, Alison grumbles at Amanda for overriding her rejection of Billy's copy for Glorious Gowns, and Amanda accuses her of trying to sabotage Billy's career and insists that the dumbfuck is one of the world's greatest copywriters. She adds that she'd be well within her rights to fire her for making business decisions based on a personal vendetta - much like when she cancelled D&D's contract with Jake for the use of his boat after he dumped her and then doinked Kathy Ireland - and Alison growls, "Sure, fire me." Amanda rails about how weirdly pissed she still is about ancient history from the previous season, specifically when she (Alison) blabbed about her "affair" with Chas and testified in court about it, 'cause it almost resulted in her losing her mom and her job. She declares it payback time and warns, "I promise to make your life a living hell." So noted.

After work, Amanda returns home with a bag of groceries and looks around for her dad...but it soon becomes clear that Palmer has packed up his things and absconded with the cash. She mutters, "Damn you, daddy", then picks up the phone and calls the FBI to dutifully report the reappearance of her felonious father. 

Michael drops by Jane's apartment to see "Miranda", and fake gushes about how he followed her home 'cause he just couldn't stop thinking about her. A delighted Sydney invites him inside...and after a quick smoochfest, he picks her up and carries her to the bedroom. He tells her he had a dream last night that she wanted him to tie her up to indulge in a little S&M foreplay, and she looks intrigued by the prospect and purrs, "Make me yours, Michael." He ties her wrists to the bed, then steps back to glare at her disdainfully as he says, "I wouldn't sleep with you at gunpoint." Sydney stares back at him in dismay and asks if his amnesia has magically resolved itself, and he smilingly says it has. He asks her who tried to mow him down, and Sydney insists it was Crazy Kimberly, who first tried to frame Jane, then her. She then begs him to untie her, but he just saunters out of the room while murmuring, "Sleep tight."

When Jane and Chris return to the apartment, they hear Sydney shrieking for help from the bedroom...and when they rush into the room and are all, "Uh, why are you tied to the bed?", she tells them that Michael forcibly tied her up when his memory came back. Jane scrunches her face skeptically at the notion of Sydney having to be forced into any kind of bondage sex-play...and Chris abruptly says he should prolly be going now, and smooches Jane while at the same time creepishly giving Sydney an appreciative once over.

Palmer climbs aboard the Pretty Lady, pulls out a gun, and sneaks up behind Jake. He shoves the gun into Jake's back and growls, "Let's go for a ride."

Sydney is working at Jane Mancini Designs when Chris enters the studio, hovers closely behind her, and asks her how she's doing after having been tied up for hours. He says he can only assume that she allowed Michael to tie her up, then derisively adds, "No wonder you made such a good whore." Sydney mumbles how stunned she is that Jane would tell him about her hooking stint, and he just shrugs and says he'd have figured it out soon enough, explaining, "I've seen enough white trash hookers to last a lifetime." Ouch.

When Kimberly returns home from work, Michael suggests they go out for dinner, urging her to wear a pink dress 'cause it'd look nice with the blonde wig. When she's all, "Say wha-a-a?", he sarcastically retorts, "Just a little amnesia humor. Hi honey, I'm home." A panicked looking Kimberly's all, "Ack!" and rushes back out the door to her car - but Michael stands in front of it and eggs her on to actually go through with killing him this time. Kimberly reaches down deep, but can't bring herself to run him over a second time and starts sobbing...and Michael pulls her out of the driver's seat and bellows at her to decide if she wants to love him or kill him. Kimberly must have mutely chosen the love option, 'cause he then rips open her blouse before the two start violently getting it on atop the hood of her car.

That evening aboard the Pretty Lady, Palmer overshares with Jake about how he needs to get rid of his old identity so he can assume a new one, calling the operation, "Killing two birds with one bomb." He then looks out at the dark ocean through his binoculars and spots a second boat approach...and Jake is stunned when he sees that Kathy Ireland is at the wheel. She points the gun at him and smugly says, "Let's see how you take care of yourself now, Jake", and gleefully reveals that she and Palmer have been partners in crime for the last three episodes. Palmer chides a dismayed Jake for his part in getting him arrested, then stealing (?) Amanda and turning her against him...and that he has no intention of allowing his daughter to risk ruining her future for a loser like him. He then then hits Jake over the head and tells Kathy Ireland he's now ready to flee - but Kathy Ireland's all, "I just decided I don't have any use for an old man who has the FBI on his tail", then shoots him (!) and urges Jake to regain consciousness and come with her (adding that she has new IDs and Palmer's $1 million in cash). Jake tells her to go to hell, and she looks visibly irked by the rejection as she speeds off in the boat. A few seconds later, Jake spots the explosives that Kathy Ireland had planted aboard the boat earlier, muttering, "Oh nooooo" - just as she pulls out a detonation device, murmurs, "Bye, Jake", and presses the button. A few seconds later, the Pretty Lady is torn apart by a massive explosion and continues to burn as the camera fades to black.

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Recap: Aboard the Pretty Lady, Jake is enjoying some post-coital canoodling with Kathy Ireland. She gushes again that he saved her life and that she loooooves repaying him with frequent romps in the sack...and Jake tells her while the sex has been fucking-tastic, it's really not part of his life plan at the moment. He makes it clear, yet again, that he has zero interest in initiating anything resembling a relationship with her - but she cuts him off and offers to go out and fetch them some breakfast. 

After exiting the boat, Kathy Ireland makes a beeline across the pier where Palmer is sitting in his parked car. He tells her he really really needs to get on that boat, and she warns that it's not going to be easy, and that Jake is growingly understandably irritated about how she continues to overstay her welcome. Palmer chuckles and instructs her to keep him entertained, and she sassily replies, "It would be my pleasure" and tells him that Jake is not nearly as dumb and easily manipulated as he (Palmer) made him out to be. Even though he kind of is by not sending her packing much sooner.

Over in the sanitarium, Sydney is being forced to do one of those 'what do you see when you look at this ink blob?' exercises. She tells Dr. Curtis that every ink blob looks to her like an angel or a field of flowers (LOL), and he wryly says he can't help but be skeptical that she's being truthful. Sydney insists she's 100% sane, was framed for attempted murder, and is determined to put this funny farm out of business as soon as she's released. When Dr. Curtis jots all that down, she snarls, "What are you writing?" and grabs the notebook out of hands. Dr. Curtis covertly presses the panic button under his desk and snarkishly decrees that next time they meet she's going to have to be strapped to the chair...and a few seconds later, two orderlies burst in and grab her. Dr. Curtis orders them to give her some valium and says they need to ensure that she's properly restrained next time...and as the orderlies drag her off, she professes her innocence and desperately calls out for someone - anyone - to help her. 

Kimberly arrives at the hospital and enters the staff lounge, where Dr. Lewis is telling Michael he's completely fine, and that his brain injury has healed miraculously in record time. Michael lays it on thick about how awesome it is to have a devoted woman like Kimberly at his side, and Dr. Lewis then asks Kimberly if they could speak in private. He advises that the best course of action in helping Michael regain his memory would be by triggering it with things like his favorite foods, places, and activities. Kimberly promises to do exactly that...then a few seconds later returns to where Michael is standing and tells him she'd looooove to take him far away from Los Angeles and start over somewhere new, and he just stares back at her blankly and dutifully bobs his head.

At Jane Mancini Designs, Chris breaks the bad news to Jane that his boss is threatening to cancel their department store partnership - unless she can get Michael's signature on the paperwork to free up his stake in the company for investment purposes. Jane glumly says that might not be possible, since she heard he's pretty much a vegetable these days - but Chris urges her to at least try, 'cause if she can't get Michael to sign off on this amazing opportunity for the growth of her fledgling design firm, he and his company are going to have to move on. He hastily adds that it doesn't mean he won't still want to be with her romantically, and the two lean in and indulge in a long smooch.

Over at D&D, Alison thanks Amanda for giving her enough time off to travel to Wisconsin, publicly out her pedo dad during his barbecue party, and subsequently free herself emotionally. Amanda says she's soooo happy to hear that the trip went well, then changes the subject to pleasanter news: thanks to Billy, D&D was able to land the new Escapade Magazine account. She explains that Billy went out on a limb in providing privileged information about the magazine, and even helped write up the proposal for Amanda's pitch to Nancy Donner. She conveniently skips the part about Nancy firing Billy and says that Bruce Teller was so impressed with Billy's prose that he instantly offered him a job at D&D as senior copyrighter. As Alison contorts her face into an expression of stunned bewilderment, Amanda gaily says, "Already the buzz on him is incredible!" - LOL - and gushes about how "advertising is obviously his forte". When she points out that she (Alison) and Billy can now spend all day, every day in complete togetherness, Alison does her best to not moan, "Oh my fuuuuuuuucking God.." as she quietly excuses herself.

Alison marches over to Billy's cubicle, makes it clear how unpleasantly surprised she is that he's suddenly working at D&D, and snappishly asks him how he could make this leap without even bothering to consult her. Billy gets all defensive and explains that he only helped Amanda with the proposal in order to help land the account...which got him fired 'cause of the privileged intel he so brazenly revealed, then got hired at D&D - all within the course of one day. He adds that Amanda assured him that she (Alison) would get the credit for landing the account, but Alison just stares back at him unhappily and points out how awkward it's going to be for them to be working at the same company. Billy starts railing, loud enough for their co-workers sitting nearby to eavesdrop, how annoying it's been for him to wait on the sidelines while she sorted through a lifetime of emotional baggage. He flippantly adds he's sorry (sorta) about all the abuse she endured as a child - but then self-piteously laments that he's done everything to be there for her at his own emotional expense. When he whines, "I have problems toooooo!", Alison shoots the pissy little jerk the stink-eye and coldly says, "Good luck in your new job", and quietly sits down at her workstation.

Back at the sanitarium, Sydney is enjoying movie night with the other inmates before she tiptoes out of the room to call Matt on a nearby pay phone. When he picks up after a few rings, she urgently tells him she's been locked up in the psych ward, and that the doctor is trying to force a confession out of her despite her innocence. A skeptical Matt says he'd looooove to believe her...and she insists she's telling him the truth - just as the orderlies spot her making the unauthorized call and forcibly drag her away from the phone.

​Billy drops by Alison's bedroom as she prepares to turn in early and asks her how things went in Wisconsin. She describes how Meredith got cold feet, and that their lawyer confirmed she had no case if both of them weren't prepared to proceed. She happily adds that she did get her dad to admit the abuse in front of a bunch of his friends at a barbecue party...and is now ready to put the blechy storyline behind her and get on with her life. Billy sheepishly apologizes for his bitchitude earlier, and the two bid each other good night. 

Reed's parents (the Carters) drop in on Jo at her apartment, explain that they saw her address on some court papers associated with Reed's death, and were wondering if perhaps she has some mementoes of their deranged dead son she wouldn't mind handing over. Jo's like, "Uh, not really", but promises to half-heartedly look around for something they can remember the psycho by. Pa Carter tells her they're staying at a local hotel for the next few days, apologizes what Reed put her through before she shot him in self defence, and heads out with his wife. 

Matt stops by Jane's apartment to tell her about his latest conversation with Sydney, and that she sounded very sincere while denying having anything to do with Michael's accident. Jane urges him to stay out of the matter, then says she has to pay a visit to Michael later 'cause she really really needs him to sign some business papers. Matt perks up at that and offers to accompany her to the beach house to see if he can suss out any clues that might help exonerate Sydney - but Jane tells him it's a waste of time, since she doesn't believe that anyone but Sydney is crazy enough to try to kill Michael.

Jo visits Ma and Pa Carter in their hotel room to give them a framed photo of Reed she just happened to have laying around. Pa Carter thanks her and laments that his son's drug use made him act like such a belligerent A-hole, while Ma Carter suddenly blurts out, "How far along are you? Is Reed the baby daddy?" Jo looks startled by the attention directed towards her baby bump, says she's six months pregnant, and that even though Reed is the bio dad, she considers the baby hers alone. Ma and Pa Carter look thrilled by the news and tell her it brings them solace, knowing that Reed's putrid genes will live on, and Jo's all, "Ew" and coldly says she's really not sure what role she would want them to play in her baby's life. Pa Carter assures her they'll respect her decision, while Ma Carter sweetly wanks Jo by saying she hopes that the baby will grow up to be just like her.

Jane and Matt drop by the beach house to see Michael, who answers the door and timidly says he's not sure he should let them inside 'cause Kimberly made it clear she doesn't like him having people over when she's not home. He swiftly changes his mind when Jane introduces herself as his [first] wife, and tells him she really really needs to talk to him about an important matter.

Back at D&D, Amanda tells Alison and Billy they need to put their heads together to come up with a campaign for Escapade Magazine that can help distinguish it from all the other rags out there. Alison chews on that for a few seconds and says it's a tough ask, not least 'cause Escapade is so blandly generic that it doesn't have much of an identity. Billy takes that [probably spot on] assessment as a personal insult and then for whatever reason gets hisself so riled up that he somehow decides it's reasonable during a work meeting to pissily call Alison a liar and a coward, and snarl, "You don't have the guts to admit that our relationship is dead and you killed it." Amanda looks visibly amused to be witnessing this bitchitude first-hand and excuses herself - after ensuring that the speaker on the phone is turned on - to rush back to her office and eavesdrop on the rest of the conversation. Alison chides Billy for being unprofessional and suggests they have this discussion at home...and when he snaps, "What's that?", Alison wearily agrees to have it out now and tells him he's an immature bonehead of a dumbfuck she can't believe she's wasted an entire year of her life with [sorry, no - that was just me, projecting]. Billy calls her selfish and decrees that now is not the time for them to be together and offers to move out of the apartment, and Alison tearfully squeaks, "OK then" and exits the conference room, while Amanda stares contemplatively into space.

Michael tells Jane he can't imagine why he'd ever want to cheat on such a beautiful, charming woman, and confides that Kimberly had described her to him as a shrew...which doesn't seem to match the warm person sitting next to him. He says he can only assume that they had many good times together before he destroyed their marriage, and sheepishly apologizes for causing her so much pain and wishes he could do something to make up for it. Jane perks up at that and is like, "As a matter of fact, there is something you can do" and explains that she needs his signature on some business papers so that she can direct some of her design firm's investment funds to a deal with a department store chain that can generate lots of capital. Michael says it sounds like a terrific opportunity and that he'd be more than happy to sign. Matt, meanwhile, wanders around the beach house in search of anything resembling a clue that might implicate Kimberly in Michael's hit and run. He enters the bathroom and sees a series of wigs on display and reacts by staring at them, ashen-faced.

Michael finishes signing the papers, and Jane thanks him and says that for the first time in a long time she sees the man she married. He grumbles about how shitty it is to not be able to remember anything - but then suddenly recalls her ticklish eyelids. He leans in to give them a light kiss...and while Jane giggles in response, Kimberly returns home at that exact moment, witnesses the canoodling, and barks, "What the hell is going on here?!" Jane springs up from her chair as Kimberly calls her a "devious two-faced bitch" and orders her to get out...and when Kimberly sees Matt lurking behind her, she lets out an incredulous guffaw and reminds him that she had banned him from the beach house and accuses him and Jane of taking advantage of a sick and helpless man. Jane and Matt hastily bid Michael adieu...and on her way out, Jane smugly tells Kimberly that she must not have made much of an impression on Michael when they were together, 'cause the only thing he seems to really remember about his personal life is how much he once loved her. She then drops the mic and saunters off, leaving Kimberly glaring after her.

Kathy Ireland spends part of the day tidying up Pretty Lady, then hands Jake a beer and suggests they enjoy another roll in the hay. Jake declines and says he's planning to spend the night in his apartment alone, then reminds her for the umpteenth time that he had only agreed to allow her to stay on his boat for a couple of days, firmly pronouncing, "It ends here." Kathy Ireland responds by pouting about her non-existent abusive husband, and Jake says he just can't adjust his entire life to accommodate unhappy wives on the run. Kathy Ireland accuses him of having a fear of intimacy - but Jake's like, "Nice try" and urges her to move on to a husband who maybe doesn't have such a nasty temper. She continues to implore him to reconsider - but he firmly says no and gives her a final goodbye kiss before exiting the boat. 

Over in Melrose Place, Jane and Chris toast to the newly signed contract. Jane says she feels a tiny bit guilty for exploiting Michael's amnesia for her purposes, but Chris points out that the man is a contemptible cretin who deserves whatever bad things happen to him. A few seconds later, Jane gets a call from Aaron Baker, who informs her that he's looking to make a deal with the D.A. to get Sydney released from the sanitarium and be sentenced to psychiatric probation - but only in exchange for a confession that she tried to mow down Michael with her car.

The next morning while still aboard the Pretty Lady (!), Kathy Ireland laments to Palmer that she didn't get more time to further manipulate Jake into helping them carrying out whatever nefarious plan they're about to set into motion. Palmer motions towards the bedroom and crassly asks, "Is this where you did it?" and Kathy Ireland rolls her eyes and tells him to shut up. Palmer cackles, "I guess you just couldn't hold his interest", then creepily asks how - on a scale of one to ten - she'd rate his sexual performance, and she sassily retorts, "Gee, I don't know, Palmer. Why don't you ask your daughter?", then turns and stalks off. Bwahahaha!

Jo is working a photoshoot when the weird Carters suddenly show up unannounced. As a puzzled looking Jo wanders over to where they're standing, Ma Carter sweetly tells Jo that she and her husband will be there for whatever she needs, and Jo thanks them and wishes them a safe trip home. Ma Carter urges, "Take good care of our baby!" before she and Pa Carter amble off.

Jane drops by the sanitarium to visit with Sydney and tell her she heard that her lawyer really wants her to take a plea deal. Sydney adamantly refuses to sign anything, insists that she's not confessing to a crime she didn't commit, and says she wouldn't put it past the D.A. to use a plea deal as a trick to put her away for a long time.

At the hospital, Matt accuses Kimberly of running over Michael and trying to pin it on Sydney, and Kimberly warns that if he continues to slander her like this she'll slap him with a lawsuit that will cost him a lot, including his job. A unfazed Matt points out that she's pretty touchy for woman who claims to be innocent, and Kimberly chortles as she asks how she could possibly have tucked her lustrous mane beneath a short blonde wig to disguise herself while running over Michael. Matt responds by grabbing at her hair and pulling...revealing that, in fact, she's been wearing a wig to cover her sparse hair follicles underneath. He smugly asks, "Does this answer your question?" and she shoots him a hateful stink-eye and growls, "You're a dead man, Fielding."

That night at the sanitarium, a creepy orderly tiptoes into the sleeping quarters, seats himself at Sydney's bedside, and creepily whispers, "I'm keeping an eye on you." Sydney shoots him a 'the fuckity fuck?' look and assures him she's fine - but he insists it'd be nice to have a guy like him looking after her, declaring, "I want to make you my special girlfriend." Sydney flinches and tells him it'll never happen...and when he leans in and tries to kiss her, she slaps him across the face. He reacts by laughing maniacally and warns that during their "next playtime" he won't be so gentle, then coos, "Sleep tight, pretty girl" ... and a freaked out Sydney tears up as he tiptoes off.

Matt calls Jane from the hospital lobby to report that he confronted Kimberly about running Michael over and can confirm that she does, in fact, wear a wig...meaning that she could easily have worn a short blonde wig as a disguise during the hit and run. He tells Jane they should prolly go to the police and speak up about their suspicions - but Jane says it's a totally moot point now, 'cause Sydney just confessed to the police and is being released on a work probation agreement (at Jane Mancini Designs). A befuddled Matt hangs up the phone, then just happens to run into Kimberly. He profusely apologizes for tearing her wig off the other day, but she just stares at him icily and warns him to watch his step, 'cause a hospital can be a dangerous place to work. She then stalks off, leaving Matt staring worriedly into space.

Back at D&D...in full hearing range of Alison, Amanda tells Billy she just happens to have a vacancy in the Melrose Place building, and he perks up at that and agrees to move into his new bachelor pad asap.

Jane and Chris arrive at the sanitarium to pick up Sydney, who's acting kinda dopey after the doctor ordered she be put on a mild sedative during the release process. She hugs Jane, thanks her for allowing her to complete her work probation at her design company, and politely greets Chris when Jane introduces them. 

Amanda is relaxing in her apartment when she hears a knock at the door...and is stunned to see Palmer on her doorstep.

Jo and Alison are enjoying dinner at Shooters when a deliveryman wanders over and hands Jo an envelop. She signs for it, rips it open, and is horrified to learn that the Carters are suing her for custody of her unborn child. On what grounds, I can't imagine.

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Recap: Inside the county jail, Sydney admits to Assistant D.A. Roger Chambers that, sure, she used to think seriously about killing Michael - but that was only after Kimberly convinced her it was a good idea. She then insists that Kimberly was the one who planned the hit and run that injured Michael, and later planted the blonde wig in her apartment. She calls herself a victim and rails about how Kimberly is the crazy one who hates everybody. Roger doesn't look entirely convinced, but he jots down her allegations and half-heartedly promises to look into the matter.

Over at D&D, Bruce Teller drops by Amanda's office to tell her that word on the street is that Escapade Magazine is shopping around for a new ad agency. Amanda looks intrigued and says it'd definitely be a plum account, then mentions that Alison's new husband works at the magazine. She further explains that since the wedding was called off at the last second and Alison is currently unavailable while she deals with a blechy family issue, she'd be more than happy to reach out to Billy and see if she can get some inside intel on the magazine. Bruce says he likes the sound of that idea, particularly if she's able suss out their financial situation, then exits the office - just as Alison phones from the airport in Wisconsin. She tells Amanda that she's available by phone or fax anytime [which seems kinda challenging in the pre-smart phone era], but Amanda fibs and assures her that absolutely nothing of interest is happening at D&D, and that she should focus solely on publicly outing her pedo dad.

Kimberly brings Michael home to the beach house, and he glances around and tells her he has absolutely no memory of the place. As she helps him into bed, he gushes about how grateful he is to her for taking such great care of him, and she sweetly coos about how much she loves him and assures him that eventually his memory will return. A few seconds later, Assistant D.A. Roger Chambers drops by to question Kimberly about Sydney's accusations that she (she meaning Kimberly) was the driver of the hit and run that nearly killed Michael...and that she also tried to carbon monoxide him to death inside his garage. Kimberly denies both murder attempts, tells him that Sydney is unstable, and that she had approached her to ask about establishing an alibi during the time Michael was run over. She tells Roger she flatly refused, then flashes her engagement ring at him and points to it as proof that she would never do anything to harm her beloved.

Aboard the Pretty Lady (aka Jake's boat), Kathy Ireland gushes to Jake about how super awesome it was to sleep aboard his boat last night, but then laments how lonely it was for her to sleep alone. Jake's like, "Yeah whatevs" and tells her it's long past time she packed up her shit and found somewhere else to squat, and she responds by smoochingly rubbing herself up against him and purring about how grateful she is for his kindness...and that she'd be more than willing to express her gratitude with an orgasmic roll in the hay. Jake once again makes it clear that he has zero interest in hooking up with her, firmly tells her she needs to move on - but she just natters about how loooooong it's been since someone was kind to her, then offers to scamper off to the nearest eatery and pick up some lunch.

In Wisconsin, Alison and Meredith meet with their old family friend and small town lawyer Harry Allen to get the ball rolling with outing their father for sexually abusing them. Harry tells them that the town's residents are going to find it very hard to wrap their brains around an upstanding citizen like Papa Parker being a creepy pedo, then asks if they're both absolutely, 100% certain that the abuse took place. Meredith mutters about irritating it is to her is that he's asking them that, while Alison assures Harry that the abuse did indeed happen, and that their father really really needs to face up to what he's done so that they - his victims - can finally get a decent night's sleep without suffering nightmares. Harry mulls that over, agrees to help them, and says they have a meeting with Judge Thomas tomorrow. He warns that this process won't be easy - but Alison just kind of shrugs and says they've been waiting a very long time to get justice. 

Billy meets up with Amanda at Shooters, where she fills him in on D&D's quest to add Escapade Magazine to their client list. She lays it on thick about how great it'd be for Alison, who would likely handle the account...and when Billy grumblingly points out that Nancy is a tough editor and wouldn't be easily persuaded by him to hire D&D, Amanda says she has a plan and hopes that he's open to doing exactly what she tells him to.

Over at the beach house, Michael thanks Kimberly for making him such a scrumptious dinner. She calls it a labor of love and leans in for a kiss - but he gently pushes her away and complains, "I feel like such an invalid...I don't know how you could be attracted to me." Kimberly solemnly retorts that she knows first-hand what it's like to be horribly injured, then describes the fateful night that she was in the passenger seat of a car being driven by a drunken idiot, and that they got into a terrible accident that left her disfigured. Michael scrunches his face confusedly and says it doesn't look as though there's anything visibly wrong with any part of her, so she pulls off her wig and shows him her sparse head of hair [which I guess is due to her hair follicles stubbornly refusing to regenerate themselves enough to grow out a normal looking head of hair], along with the nasty scar over her right ear. As Michael stares at her hair wisps and scar with a stunned expression, she calls her appearance horrible and starts sobbing - but Michael argues that she's beautiful, gently kisses her scar, and starts amorously smooching her.  

Amanda drops by Jake's boat clutching a picnic basket - but is visibly put off when she encounters Kathy Ireland, who makes it a point to cinch her t-shirt just beneath her ample bosom. She bats her doe eyes at Amanda and tells her that Jake will be back soon - but Amanda snarkishly says she's outa here and tells Kathy Ireland to pass along the message to Jake that he's a lying pig. 

Matt drops by the clink to visit Sydney, who begs him to believe that she's being framed by the very twisted Kimberly (and possibly semi-twisted Michael). Matt says he finds it hard to believe that she had nothing at all to do with the hit and run - but she insists that she did not, begs him to help her, and says she'd prefer to not rot in prison for the rest of her life for a crime she didn't commit.

Over at Jane Mancini Designs, Jane is canoodling with Chris when her father drops by unexpectedly. Papa Andrews explains that he came to L.A. to do whatever he can to help Sydney, specifically hire a lawyer to represent her in court. He asks Jane if she'd like to come with him to the county jail, and she chirps, "Of course!"

Matt drops by the beach house, lets himself inside, and finds Michael in bed...and when Michael stares at him in puzzlement, Matt fills in the blanks about how the two of them know each other: they used to be fellow residents at Melrose Place, then worked together at the hospital. Michael says he doesn't remember much, but gushes about what an angel Kimberly has been, and can only assume they were a great couple. He invokes the car accident that left her disfigured...and Matt is about to tell him the truth about that whole thing when Kimberly suddenly bursts into the room, forcibly escorts Matt to the door and warns that revealing too much information to Michael can unnecessarily confuse him. She orders him to give Michael his space, and makes it clear that he's not welcome at the beach house unless he gets her permission ahead of time.

Sydney skips into the county jail's interrogation room, where her father and Jane are seated, and natters joyously to her father about how grateful she is to him for posting her bail. Papa Andrews tells her he got her a lawyer - and motions to Aaron Baker, who's sitting next to him - then breaks the news that she's being denied bail 'cause she's deemed too much of a flight risk. He adds that the case against her is strong - despite it not being a strong case, since it mostly consists of some pretty flimsy circumstantial evidence. When Sydney insists that she's innocent of trying to murder Michael, her dad scrunches his face into a skeptical looking expression. Sydney then starts railing about how he doesn't love her, eggs him on to outright call her a killer, and angrily says that maybe she should have tried to run Michael over. She gets up and heads over to the door, then turns and wails about how everyone she's ever cared about has thrown her away. She glares at her father and coldly growls, "Maybe someday I'll blow your damn head off." (!)

Mama Parker drops by the Wisconsin hotel where Alison and Meredith are staying and begs them to stay quiet about their molestation claims. Meredith quietly says that she has no desire to hurt anyone, while Alison points out to her mom that their only intention is to bring attention to the truth. Mama Parker snappishly accuses them of putting a knife in her back, wildly pronounces that everyone lies and lives with pain, and mocks her daughters for "wanting to cover your parents with filth". She then shoots them both the stink-eye, says she wishes they'd never been born, and stalks out of the room.

Amanda calls Billy at work to tell him she has a few edits she'd like to make to the detailed report/financial statements he unwisely put together for her about Escapade Magazine. Billy mumbles that he's officially washing his hands of it, says she should feel free to make the changes herself, and hastily hangs up.  

Over at Jane Mancini Designs, Papa Andrews tells Jane he spoke to Aaron Baker and the people who run a local sanitarium to see about Sydney getting forcibly committed so that she can undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Jane says that while she's minimally troubled about forcing her sister into psychiatric care, she reckons it's probably better than letting her continue to languish in a jail cell. She agrees to sign the papers, then takes a moment to sentimentally recall the close relationship she and Sydney had during their younger years. Papa Andrews sadly concurs - but points out that Sydney is not well and is in serious need of some mental health treatment.

Alison, Meredith, and Harry Allen are at the court house, waiting to see Judge Thomas...and the three are startled when the judge's office door opens and Mama and Papa Parker exit the room after what looks like a sympathetically wankish meeting. Mama and Papa Parker saunter past their daughters without saying a word, and when Judge Thomas stares condescendingly at Meredith and Alison and asks, "You girls ready to talk to me?", Meredith suddenly gets frazzled, calls the small town "a joke", and tells Alison she can't do this. Alison argues that the truth is on their side - but Meredith calls their scheduled meeting with the judge "a set-up", rails about how "the whole world is lies", and races off down the hall...leaving Alison staring after her in dismayed bewilderment.

Later at a local diner, Alison tells Harry Allen she figured that Meredith would buckle under the stress, and now regrets pushing her so hard. She says she still feels the need to confront her father in order to get her soul back, and Harry tells her he believes her version of events, and that he's sorry their attempt to bring her shitty father to justice failed so badly. He wryly points out that everyone in town loooooves Papa Parker [despite his general weirdness], and urges Alison to go home and try to forget that any of the abuse ever happened...and Alison weakly agrees that that's all there's left to do.

Over at Escapade Magazine, Nancy Donner informs Billy that she's decided to hire D&D to be the company's new ad agency...and that she met with Amanda Woodward, who had an impressive amount of inside intel on the magazine. She irritably adds that Amanda made no secret of the fact that he (Billy) was the source of all that sensitive information, then angrily calls him out for going behind her back solely for the purpose of benefitting D&D. She snarls, "You're fired!" and orders him to clean out his desk pronto. 

Kathy Ireland is searching Jake's boat, not sure for what. When she hears him returning, she grabs a book and pretends that she's been just sitting there in his absence, innocently reading. Jake scowls at her and again tells her to pack up her shit and leave his orbit - and she responds by canoodling him and remarking that he's clearly been hooking up with the wrong type of woman. As Jake struggles to keep his penile desires from overpowering his resistance to throwing all good sense to the wind, his penis wins out and he starts smooching her back, strips off his shirt before unbuttoning hers, and then the two go at it amorously.

Billy storms over to D&D, bursts into Amanda's office, and snarls at her for spilling the beans to Nancy about his involvement in writing up the report, which - no surprise - resulted in him getting fired. Bruce Teller, who's in Amanda's office at the time, extends his thanks to Billy for going out on a limb to help them lock down Escapade Magazine as a client, then offers him a job at D&D as a senior copywriter. Billy stares back at him in stunned bewilderment as Amanda grins at him knowingly...and the camera pans away.

Alison is on her way to the airport before deciding she's going to stop in at her parents' house and open a giant can of whoopass.

In the back yard of Casa Parker, Papa Parker is wearing a Kiss the Cook apron, and yukking it up with a group of barbecue party guests as he grills steaks. Alison strides over and calls him out for using all the connections he has in this town to avoid facing justice. She loudly says, "We all carry around this dirty little secret that everybody in this town should know", then broadcasts that when she was a little girl, her gross father used to lure her into the basement and do the unspeakable. As the barbecue party guests stare at Papa Parker in stunned revulsion, he yells at Alison to shut up, and explains that all he did was love his daughters. He then turns his ire towards his idiot wife and tells her it's all her fault, chiding, "You were cold, so cold. You hated my touch." He creepily adds that he just wanted a little warmth and understanding, so he figured 'why not use my young daughters to satisfy my carnal needs?' He then acts even more bizarrely when he starts railing at Alison about how women dress so skimpily, but never let men touch them - and she glares at him in disgust and reminds him that she was an eight year old child when he started molesting her. She firmly declares that it was definitely his fault, then triumphantly stomps off...leaving him staring despondently into space while Mama Parker stares at him looking even more despondent.

That evening, Kathy Ireland has a secret meet-up with a man who's smoking a cigar by the side of the road...and when he turns around we see that it's none other than Palmer Woodward (!). She reports that she was finally successful in getting Jake to go to bed with her, and he creepishly coos that that's very goooooood, and declares that he's going to make Jake sorry he ever messed with him and/or Amanda.

As Sydney is escorted out of the county jail, she happily assumes it's 'cause someone posted her bail - but her gaiety abruptly ends when she enters the hallway and sees her father and Jane standing by while men holding a straitjacket advance towards her. She struggles with them as they forcibly put her into the straitjacket...and as they drag her off, she begs her father to believe that she's really really not crazy. 

Recap: Kimberly races inside Wilshire Memorial Hospital, runs over to her boss (Dr. Levin), and makes a point of telling him she's been doing research work at the library all day and just heard that Michael was in an accident. Dr. Levin grimly counters that it was no accident and that Michael's ex-wife (specifying Jane) was arrested for attempted murder and is currently languishing in the county jail. Kimberly pretends to look utterly aghast as Dr. Levin informs her that Michael is being prepped for emergency surgery due to acute cerebral swelling. She remarks, "Hey, that's exactly the same kind of head injury I had last season!", and Dr. Levin nods in agreement - but then gravely adds that, unlike in her case, Michael has a less than 50% chance of survival. A few seconds later, Michael is wheeled into the hallway, and Kimberly hovers over the gurney and cooingly assures him he'll be OK...and as he's rushed off to the operating room, she mutters, "Oh God..", but then gleefully smirks once she's sure that no one is watching. 

Over at Melrose Place, Sydney tiptoes into the entrance area and sees that the courtyard is swarming with police officers. Jo ambles over, startles her by tapping her on the shoulder, and gives her the latest update from the end of last season's finale: Michael was hit by a car in front of the hospital, and Jane was subsequently arrested for attempted murder and hauled off to jail. Sydney pales and is all, "Jane's in jail??" and says she must be freaking out. She tells Jo she doesn't want to talk to the police until after she visits her sister in the clink, then races off into the night.

Over at county jail, Lieutenant Truman is interrogating Jane, who reminds him that she reported her car stolen, which makes it obvious that someone used it to commit the crime, and then park it in front of her office building in order to frame her. An unconvinced Truman scoffs, "Someone who looks just like you?" and Jane's like, "Well d'yuh" and says that the culprit was likely wearing a disguise. A still skeptical Truman points out some incriminating details: 1) she desperately wanted out of her business partnership with Michael, 2) she openly threatened to kill him within hearing range of a large group of wedding attendees, and 3) she disappeared somewhere with no alibi when the hit and run occurred. Jane wisely decides to clam up and demands to see her attorney, and Truman retorts, "Fine, bring in your attorney. That'll just give us more time to build our case against you" ... and after he exits the interrogation room, Jane stares worriedly into space. 

The next morning, Amanda asks Jo if she's seen Jake around, then says he was out all night and didn't call. Jo says she hasn't, and has become so fed up with this annoying Jo/Amanda/Jake love triangle situation that she's throwing in the towel. She firmly declares, "From now on, Mr. Washboard Stomach is all yours" before irritably huffing off.

Billy, meanwhile, is railing at Mama Parker about how weird it is that both Alison and her creepy father are missing after his non-wedding. Mama Parker says that maybe her husband wanted to be the first to know why she was fleeing - but Billy says that that's kinda nonsensical 'cause he was the last known person to have talked to Alison before she disappeared. Mama Parker mutters about how she hoped that all of this unpleasantness involving Meredith and now Alison was over and that her family could start putting things back together. Billy scrunches his dumb face confusedly and asks what in blazes she's talking about - before suddenly recalling Alison's frequent nightmares (of someone chasing after her in the family's cellar) soon after their visit to Wisconsin. He deduces that everything points to Papa Parker being the someone in her nightmares, and comes right out and asks Mama Parker if he molested his daughters. An incensed Mama Parker reacts by slapping him across the face and snarking, "How can you ask such a thing?" As she continues to pretend to know nothing about her molesting shitbag of a husband, Billy says it's the only thing that makes sense, then demands to know where in San Francisco he can find Meredith and (by association) Alison.

Over in Meredith's cute Victorian pad in San Francisco, Alison tells her sister she's been blocking a lot of past trauma from her childhood, and that she really really wants to formulate a plan of action before returning to her L.A. life. Meredith urges her to forget 'bout that, avoid their parents, and start her own family - but Alison says that their dad's abuse has been at the root of every poor life decision she's ever made, as well as the cause of her string of failed relationships. Meredith implores her to stop obsessing on the abuse...and when she announces that she's off to work now, Alison pleads with her to call in sick so that they can put their heads together and figure out what their next move should be. As that's happening, we see that Papa Parker is sitting in a parked car, across the street from the Victorian house, staring perturbedly into space.

Sydney visits Jane in the county jail and says it's glaringly obvious that someone is setting her up, and a wary Jane's like, "Right?" and points out that there's only one person who's sick and desperate enough to plot Michael's demise: her (meaning Sydney). She points out to Sydney that she had a key to her apartment and knew where she kept her car keys...and when Sydney vigorously denies any involvement in the failed murder plot, Jane shoots her the stink-eye, hangs up the jail phone, and stomps back to her cell. Sydney haughtily exits the visiting area, and her abrupt departure is noticed by Lieutenant Truman, who just happened to be standing in the hall at that very moment. 

Jake returns home, reads the 'where the hell have you been?' note that Amanda left on his door, and promptly lumbers up to her apartment. He explains that he spent the night aboard his boat so he could enjoy some much needed me time, and Amanda apologizes for her part in the love triangle/tug-of-war with Jo, then happily announces that Jo has taken herself out of the running 'cause she just can't summon the energy to give a rat's ass about hooking up with him anymore. Jake says he doesn't find it a turn-on that they've made him an objectified prize, and is frankly tired of riding on the coattails of a woman's success while having nothing of his own. He decrees that he's burned out on the very notion of a relationship, and apologizes to Amanda for the unexpected dumperoo. An incredulous Amanda tells him it's always a good idea to try to "find oneself" - but that he shouldn't expect to find her waiting for him whenever he reaches the end of that journey. Jake hastily assures her that he has no such expectations, then beats a hasty retreat.

Sydney drops by the hospital and attempts to visit Michael - but she's stopped by a police officer, who brusquely informs her that only hospital personnel are allowed inside. She peers through the window and sees that Kimberly is in the room, conferring with the other doctors...and a few seconds later, Kimberly excuses herself so that she and Sydney can have a private one-on-one. Sydney scoffs at the notion that she's playing the role of concerned doctor when she was the one who ran Michael down with Jane's car after a failed attempt to poison him with carbon monoxide. Kimberly just kind of shrugs and breezily says it's a moot point 'cause Jane is the official suspect. She then strongly urges Sydney to flee the country...'cause if Jane is somehow released and she (Kimberly) is pressed during police questioning, she may just point the finger at Jane's vindictive sister, who no one would have problems believing is capable of murdering the ex-husband she's on record as hating with a vengeance. 

Hours later, Papa Parker is still in his car, staking out Meredith's Victorian house. Meredith tells Alison she's currently dating a guy she thinks could be the one - but Alison argues that the after-affects of their father's icky abuse continues to hang over them, and is likely the cause of their relationship failures over the years. Meredith abruptly gets up and announces that she's off to get them some takeout for dinner, and Alison says she'll try to decompress from all this past abuse chitchat by taking a shower and putting on a fresh change of clothes. After Meredith heads out, Alison hears a noise coming from the bathroom...and is relieved to see that it's just the window shade flapping against the wall. She closes the window and is heading towards the staircase - when suddenly Papa Parker grabs her from behind, puts his hand over her mouth, and shushingly tells her that they have a lot to talk about. Eeeeeek!

After the commercial break, Papa Parker warns Alison not to scream when he takes his hand away from her mouth, chides her for pulling a runaway bride stunt, and warns that if she goes public with her molestation accusations she'll be the one who's looked upon as damaged goods. Alison tearfully retorts that she doesn't care what anyone's opinion of her is, and Papa Parker points out that she and Meredith turned out great, despite the lingering trauma he inflicted upon them. Alison snappishly argues, "I am not fine!" - but Papa Parker suggests she could be if she continues to keep their secret, returns to L.A. as if nothing happened, and moves forward with her life. Suddenly, Meredith stealthily enters the room clutching a gun and warns the pedo not to move, adding, "I swear to God, I will blow your brains out."

Over at the hospital, Dr. Levin tells Lieutenant Truman he has no way of predicting when or if Michael might regain consciousness, and at this point in time has no idea how successful the brain surgery was...and an unimpressed Truman's all, "Blah blah, I really need to ask him some questions." Lol. A few seconds later, a nurse enters the room and informs Dr. Levin that Michael has just woken up...and Lieutenant Truman races across the hall with Dr. Levin and looms over Michael as he asks him if he saw the car that hit him - but a dazed looking Michael just stares confusedly into space. When Kimberly hovers over him and coos at him lovingly, he looks even more confused and says he has absolutely no idea who she is.

Papa Parker assures his daughters that he didn't come to San Francisco to hurt them, only to prevent them from dredging up his sex crimes so that he never has to face accountability for treating his own children as sexual prey. He points out that he's largely stayed out of their lives in recent years, and that they're happy, healthy, well adjusted adults. Meredith shoots him an incredulous glare as she points out, "I'm, uh, pointing a gun at you...and Alison jumped out of a window on her wedding day. We're a mess!" As she rails at him for wanting to get away with everything, he suddenly lunges at her and struggles to reach for the gun - just as Billy bursts through the front door and runs over to stop the altercation. Papa Parker reacts to Billy's presence by running out of the house and squealing off in his car, and a re-traumatized Meredith huddles against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest. 

Michael says that while he remembers all of the medical training he's ever received, he mysteriously recalls nothing of his personal life...and everyone in the room is all, "Yep, seems totally plausible" - just as Lieutenant Truman's partner enters the room to inform Truman that Jane has requested a meeting with them at the county jail. Truman assumes that she's finally ready to confess to attempted murder and tells Michael
he may not need his eyewitness account of the hit and run after all. 

Billy chides himself for allowing Papa Parker to just run off - but Meredith assures him that letting him go was the right thing to do. She then declares to Alison that, now that they've confronted him for being the disgusting child abuser he is, it's over - but Alison argues that it's their duty to step forward and do everything they can to convince a D.A. to prosecute him. Meredith looks horrified at the prospect and says it'll ruin their lives, then makes it clear that if she intends to go down that path, she's going to have to go down it alone.  

Jane tells Lieutenant Truman she's pretty sure she knows who struck Michael: her sister Sydney, who was married to Michael before things ended very badly. She explains that Sydney had the key to her apartment, could easily have stolen her car keys, and that it was well known that she harbored feelings of deep hatred for Michael. She admits it's awful to accuse her own sister of such a heinous crime, but firmly says she's no longer willing to protect someone who would go so far as to plot murder.

Jake is aboard his boat when he hears an argument emanating from a neighboring boat. The woman threatens to leave, and the man says there's no point 'cause he owns her and will always find her. When the man suddenly cries, "Get back here!", Jake heads above deck, spots a woman swimming towards his boat, and helps her aboard. The pretty brunette - 90s model Kathy Ireland (!) - thanks him and credits him for saving her life. 

Jake provides Kathy Ireland with a towel and a warm drink (topped off with brandy) and tells her he's heading to the mainland tonight and will drop her off so that she can call whoever she needs to call. Kathy Ireland tells him, in case he's curious, the man she was arguing with was her husband...and Jake just shrugs disinterestedly and says, "I'm not." Lol..

Kathy Ireland tells Jake that her husband is rich, powerful, and has connections to a lot of low-lifes...and that earlier she was very frightened he was going to kill her. She tells Jake she'd love it if he could transport her to San Diego or Mexico - but Jake chucklingly reminds her that he doesn't actually know her and therefore has zero interest in getting roped in to help solve her personal problems. 

As Kimberly leaves the hospital for the evening, she encounters Sydney, who says she's increasingly worried that the police are going to start nosing around her bidness now that Jane has implicated her in Michael's hit and run. When she laments that she had both motive and opportunity, Kimberly suggests they use each other as an alibi and tell police that while Michael was getting mowed down by Jane's car, the two of them were enjoying lunch at a seafood stand at the local Farmer's Market. Sydney seems satisfied with that solution and happily scampers off. 

Jake docks his boat and tells Kathy Ireland that this is the end of the line, hands her $50, and suggests she make a beeline over to the nearest pay phone and call someone who can pick her up. Kathy Ireland cries, "How can you doooooo this?", complains about how pissed off her abusive husband is going to be, then dejectedly shuffles off. Jake stares after her concernedly, then lets out an 'arg' noise before rushing after her and telling her she can stay aboard his boat for a couple of days. She thanks him and gives him a happy hug.

​Lieutenant Truman and his partner enter the Melrose Place courtyard to question Sydney about where she was when Michael was struck by Jane's car. She tells them she was having lunch at the Farmer's Market with Dr. Kimberly Shaw until around 2:30pm, and the cops thank her and tell her that they intend to corroborate the faux alibi.

When Alison returns home with Billy, Mama Parker hugs her and laments about how worried she was when she stood Billy up at the altar. Alison tells her she fled to San Francisco to spend time with Meredith before Papa Parker showed up and terrorized them, but then was quickly chased off by Billy. She tells her mother she can cut the shit 'cause it's all out in the open now...and when Mama Parker pretends to have no earthly idea what it's refers to, Alison specifies that she's referring to the sexual abuse that both she and Meredith suffered at the hands of their creepy-as-fuck father. Mama Parker calls Alison disgusting for saying such a thing and asks her why she didn't come to her when it was happening, so Alison explains to the nitwit that at the time she was a frightened child who was understandably terrified of the repercussions of accusing her father of being a pedophile. Mama Parker's like, "Whatevs", says she assured her husband that she's going home to him, and urges Alison not to betray him. After she huffs out, Alison sadly remarks to Billy how supremely fucked up it is that her own mother refuses to stand by her. 

Lieutenant Truman and his partner head over to the hospital to verify Sydney's alibi - as Sydney quietly eavesdrops from around the corner. Kimberly tells the cops that when Michael was struck by the car she was doing research at a nearby medical library...which the check-in records will surely indicate. Sydney pales and is all, "The fuuuuuck?"

Billy brings Alison a tray with soup to her bedroom, then tells her he doesn't think anything good will come of trying to get her father prosecuted for past crimes. He urges her to just sweep it under the rug and concentrate on their future, then leans in for a smooch. When he suggests they drive to Vegas, get hitched, and start their lives together, Alison happily chirps, "Yes!" and returns his smooch. 

Kimberly skulks into the Melrose Place courtyard, breaks into Sydney's apartment, and plants a blonde wig in her underwear drawer. She then murmurs, "Bye, Sydney" as she tiptoes out.

The next day, Lieutenant Truman and his partner arrive at Melrose Place with a search warrant, and Amanda promptly lets them into Sydney's apartment where they quickly find the blonde wig. Truman remarks that Sydney Andrews has some explaining to do. 

Jake runs into Kathy Ireland as she emerges from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. She coos about how much she appreciates him letting her stay aboard his boat, coquettishly wishes there was a way she could repay him, and leans in for an amorous smooch. Jake declares, "We're even" and makes it clear that he has zero interest in being anything but being platonic friends, and she pretends to be A-OK with that, but then reminds him that sometimes platonic friends end up becoming fuck buddies.

Over at D&D, Alison drops by Amanda's office to ask for some additional time off so that she and Billy can elope to Vegas. Amanda rolls her eyes and chides her for fleeing her wedding just 'cause she got cold feet, so Alison tells her she fled the wedding 'cause she suddenly remembered all the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. Amanda sheepishly apologizes, says if she were in that situation she wouldn't let his past behavior stand, and urges her to pursue prosecution of the sicko. As Alison digests that sage advice, Amanda says she can take off as many vacation days as she likes - but urges her to think carefully about how she's going to use them.

Over in the Melrose Place courtyard, Sydney runs into a smug looking Jane, who says she paid her bail - but that it's a moot point 'cause she's pretty sure that Lieutenant Truman is going to drop the charges now that they have a new suspect: her (meaning Sydney). Sydney argues that Kimberly should be the actual suspect - but when Jane somehow considers that notion too farfetched to be plausible, Sydney vows to leave town pronto in order to escape arrest.

At the hospital, Michael tells Kimberly he had a dream about his overwhelming feelings of love for her, and says he feels safe around her...and she tells him she's totes happy to hear that, and assures him that his memory will return in good time. He then says he also had a nightmare about a demonic redhead wanting to kill him, and Kimberly hastily says it must have been Sydney, then leans to give him a light kiss.

Alison breaks the news to Billy that she's decided to move ahead with outing her father for molesting her, and Billy gets irked and sarcastically says he's grateful that she at least told him to his face instead of leaping out a window and disappearing. He then climbs into his car, angrily barks, "Good luck, I hope it all works out" and squeals off, leaving a bewildered Alison staring after her unsupportive, bitchy man-child of a fiancé. 

At Shooters, Sydney begs one of her waitress friends to loan her some money - but the waitress tells her she's aware that the cops are looking for her and doesn't want to get into any kind of aiding and abetting type trouble. As Sydney turns and tries to flee the bar, Lieutenant Truman and his partner, who have been surveilling her at a nearby table, advance on her...and as she struggles against their grip, they slap a pair of cuffs on her and arrest her for the attempted murder of Michael Mancini.

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