Recap: Aboard the Pretty Lady, Jake is enjoying some post-coital canoodling with Kathy Ireland. She gushes again that he saved her life and that she loooooves repaying him with frequent romps in the sack...and Jake tells her while the sex has been fucking-tastic, it's really not part of his life plan at the moment. He makes it clear, yet again, that he has zero interest in initiating anything resembling a relationship with her - but she cuts him off and offers to go out and fetch them some breakfast. After exiting the boat, Kathy Ireland makes a beeline across the pier where Palmer is sitting in his parked car. He tells her he really really needs to get on that boat, and she warns that it's not going to be easy, and that Jake is growingly understandably irritated about how she continues to overstay her welcome. Palmer chuckles and instructs her to keep him entertained, and she sassily replies, "It would be my pleasure" and tells him that Jake is not nearly as dumb and easily manipulated as he (Palmer) made him out to be. Even though he kind of is by not sending her packing much sooner. Over in the sanitarium, Sydney is being forced to do one of those 'what do you see when you look at this ink blob?' exercises. She tells Dr. Curtis that every ink blob looks to her like an angel or a field of flowers (LOL), and he wryly says he can't help but be skeptical that she's being truthful. Sydney insists she's 100% sane, was framed for attempted murder, and is determined to put this funny farm out of business as soon as she's released. When Dr. Curtis jots all that down, she snarls, "What are you writing?" and grabs the notebook out of hands. Dr. Curtis covertly presses the panic button under his desk and snarkishly decrees that next time they meet she's going to have to be strapped to the chair...and a few seconds later, two orderlies burst in and grab her. Dr. Curtis orders them to give her some valium and says they need to ensure that she's properly restrained next time...and as the orderlies drag her off, she professes her innocence and desperately calls out for someone - anyone - to help her. Kimberly arrives at the hospital and enters the staff lounge, where Dr. Lewis is telling Michael he's completely fine, and that his brain injury has healed miraculously in record time. Michael lays it on thick about how awesome it is to have a devoted woman like Kimberly at his side, and Dr. Lewis then asks Kimberly if they could speak in private. He advises that the best course of action in helping Michael regain his memory would be by triggering it with things like his favorite foods, places, and activities. Kimberly promises to do exactly that...then a few seconds later returns to where Michael is standing and tells him she'd looooove to take him far away from Los Angeles and start over somewhere new, and he just stares back at her blankly and dutifully bobs his head. At Jane Mancini Designs, Chris breaks the bad news to Jane that his boss is threatening to cancel their department store partnership - unless she can get Michael's signature on the paperwork to free up his stake in the company for investment purposes. Jane glumly says that might not be possible, since she heard he's pretty much a vegetable these days - but Chris urges her to at least try, 'cause if she can't get Michael to sign off on this amazing opportunity for the growth of her fledgling design firm, he and his company are going to have to move on. He hastily adds that it doesn't mean he won't still want to be with her romantically, and the two lean in and indulge in a long smooch. Over at D&D, Alison thanks Amanda for giving her enough time off to travel to Wisconsin, publicly out her pedo dad during his barbecue party, and subsequently free herself emotionally. Amanda says she's soooo happy to hear that the trip went well, then changes the subject to pleasanter news: thanks to Billy, D&D was able to land the new Escapade Magazine account. She explains that Billy went out on a limb in providing privileged information about the magazine, and even helped write up the proposal for Amanda's pitch to Nancy Donner. She conveniently skips the part about Nancy firing Billy and says that Bruce Teller was so impressed with Billy's prose that he instantly offered him a job at D&D as senior copyrighter. As Alison contorts her face into an expression of stunned bewilderment, Amanda gaily says, "Already the buzz on him is incredible!" - LOL - and gushes about how "advertising is obviously his forte". When she points out that she (Alison) and Billy can now spend all day, every day in complete togetherness, Alison does her best to not moan, "Oh my fuuuuuuuucking God.." as she quietly excuses herself.
Alison marches over to Billy's cubicle, makes it clear how unpleasantly surprised she is that he's suddenly working at D&D, and snappishly asks him how he could make this leap without even bothering to consult her. Billy gets all defensive and explains that he only helped Amanda with the proposal in order to help land the account...which got him fired 'cause of the privileged intel he so brazenly revealed, then got hired at D&D - all within the course of one day. He adds that Amanda assured him that she (Alison) would get the credit for landing the account, but Alison just stares back at him unhappily and points out how awkward it's going to be for them to be working at the same company. Billy starts railing, loud enough for their co-workers sitting nearby to eavesdrop, how annoying it's been for him to wait on the sidelines while she sorted through a lifetime of emotional baggage. He flippantly adds he's sorry (sorta) about all the abuse she endured as a child - but then self-piteously laments that he's done everything to be there for her at his own emotional expense. When he whines, "I have problems toooooo!", Alison shoots the pissy little jerk the stink-eye and coldly says, "Good luck in your new job", and quietly sits down at her workstation. Back at the sanitarium, Sydney is enjoying movie night with the other inmates before she tiptoes out of the room to call Matt on a nearby pay phone. When he picks up after a few rings, she urgently tells him she's been locked up in the psych ward, and that the doctor is trying to force a confession out of her despite her innocence. A skeptical Matt says he'd looooove to believe her...and she insists she's telling him the truth - just as the orderlies spot her making the unauthorized call and forcibly drag her away from the phone. Billy drops by Alison's bedroom as she prepares to turn in early and asks her how things went in Wisconsin. She describes how Meredith got cold feet, and that their lawyer confirmed she had no case if both of them weren't prepared to proceed. She happily adds that she did get her dad to admit the abuse in front of a bunch of his friends at a barbecue party...and is now ready to put the blechy storyline behind her and get on with her life. Billy sheepishly apologizes for his bitchitude earlier, and the two bid each other good night. Reed's parents (the Carters) drop in on Jo at her apartment, explain that they saw her address on some court papers associated with Reed's death, and were wondering if perhaps she has some mementoes of their deranged dead son she wouldn't mind handing over. Jo's like, "Uh, not really", but promises to half-heartedly look around for something they can remember the psycho by. Pa Carter tells her they're staying at a local hotel for the next few days, apologizes what Reed put her through before she shot him in self defence, and heads out with his wife. Matt stops by Jane's apartment to tell her about his latest conversation with Sydney, and that she sounded very sincere while denying having anything to do with Michael's accident. Jane urges him to stay out of the matter, then says she has to pay a visit to Michael later 'cause she really really needs him to sign some business papers. Matt perks up at that and offers to accompany her to the beach house to see if he can suss out any clues that might help exonerate Sydney - but Jane tells him it's a waste of time, since she doesn't believe that anyone but Sydney is crazy enough to try to kill Michael. Jo visits Ma and Pa Carter in their hotel room to give them a framed photo of Reed she just happened to have laying around. Pa Carter thanks her and laments that his son's drug use made him act like such a belligerent A-hole, while Ma Carter suddenly blurts out, "How far along are you? Is Reed the baby daddy?" Jo looks startled by the attention directed towards her baby bump, says she's six months pregnant, and that even though Reed is the bio dad, she considers the baby hers alone. Ma and Pa Carter look thrilled by the news and tell her it brings them solace, knowing that Reed's putrid genes will live on, and Jo's all, "Ew" and coldly says she's really not sure what role she would want them to play in her baby's life. Pa Carter assures her they'll respect her decision, while Ma Carter sweetly wanks Jo by saying she hopes that the baby will grow up to be just like her.
Jane and Matt drop by the beach house to see Michael, who answers the door and timidly says he's not sure he should let them inside 'cause Kimberly made it clear she doesn't like him having people over when she's not home. He swiftly changes his mind when Jane introduces herself as his [first] wife, and tells him she really really needs to talk to him about an important matter. Back at D&D, Amanda tells Alison and Billy they need to put their heads together to come up with a campaign for Escapade Magazine that can help distinguish it from all the other rags out there. Alison chews on that for a few seconds and says it's a tough ask, not least 'cause Escapade is so blandly generic that it doesn't have much of an identity. Billy takes that [probably spot on] assessment as a personal insult and then for whatever reason gets hisself so riled up that he somehow decides it's reasonable during a work meeting to pissily call Alison a liar and a coward, and snarl, "You don't have the guts to admit that our relationship is dead and you killed it." Amanda looks visibly amused to be witnessing this bitchitude first-hand and excuses herself - after ensuring that the speaker on the phone is turned on - to rush back to her office and eavesdrop on the rest of the conversation. Alison chides Billy for being unprofessional and suggests they have this discussion at home...and when he snaps, "What's that?", Alison wearily agrees to have it out now and tells him he's an immature bonehead of a dumbfuck she can't believe she's wasted an entire year of her life with [sorry, no - that was just me, projecting]. Billy calls her selfish and decrees that now is not the time for them to be together and offers to move out of the apartment, and Alison tearfully squeaks, "OK then" and exits the conference room, while Amanda stares contemplatively into space. Michael tells Jane he can't imagine why he'd ever want to cheat on such a beautiful, charming woman, and confides that Kimberly had described her to him as a shrew...which doesn't seem to match the warm person sitting next to him. He says he can only assume that they had many good times together before he destroyed their marriage, and sheepishly apologizes for causing her so much pain and wishes he could do something to make up for it. Jane perks up at that and is like, "As a matter of fact, there is something you can do" and explains that she needs his signature on some business papers so that she can direct some of her design firm's investment funds to a deal with a department store chain that can generate lots of capital. Michael says it sounds like a terrific opportunity and that he'd be more than happy to sign. Matt, meanwhile, wanders around the beach house in search of anything resembling a clue that might implicate Kimberly in Michael's hit and run. He enters the bathroom and sees a series of wigs on display and reacts by staring at them, ashen-faced. Michael finishes signing the papers, and Jane thanks him and says that for the first time in a long time she sees the man she married. He grumbles about how shitty it is to not be able to remember anything - but then suddenly recalls her ticklish eyelids. He leans in to give them a light kiss...and while Jane giggles in response, Kimberly returns home at that exact moment, witnesses the canoodling, and barks, "What the hell is going on here?!" Jane springs up from her chair as Kimberly calls her a "devious two-faced bitch" and orders her to get out...and when Kimberly sees Matt lurking behind her, she lets out an incredulous guffaw and reminds him that she had banned him from the beach house and accuses him and Jane of taking advantage of a sick and helpless man. Jane and Matt hastily bid Michael adieu...and on her way out, Jane smugly tells Kimberly that she must not have made much of an impression on Michael when they were together, 'cause the only thing he seems to really remember about his personal life is how much he once loved her. She then drops the mic and saunters off, leaving Kimberly glaring after her.
Kathy Ireland spends part of the day tidying up Pretty Lady, then hands Jake a beer and suggests they enjoy another roll in the hay. Jake declines and says he's planning to spend the night in his apartment alone, then reminds her for the umpteenth time that he had only agreed to allow her to stay on his boat for a couple of days, firmly pronouncing, "It ends here." Kathy Ireland responds by pouting about her non-existent abusive husband, and Jake says he just can't adjust his entire life to accommodate unhappy wives on the run. Kathy Ireland accuses him of having a fear of intimacy - but Jake's like, "Nice try" and urges her to move on to a husband who maybe doesn't have such a nasty temper. She continues to implore him to reconsider - but he firmly says no and gives her a final goodbye kiss before exiting the boat. Over in Melrose Place, Jane and Chris toast to the newly signed contract. Jane says she feels a tiny bit guilty for exploiting Michael's amnesia for her purposes, but Chris points out that the man is a contemptible cretin who deserves whatever bad things happen to him. A few seconds later, Jane gets a call from Aaron Baker, who informs her that he's looking to make a deal with the D.A. to get Sydney released from the sanitarium and be sentenced to psychiatric probation - but only in exchange for a confession that she tried to mow down Michael with her car. The next morning while still aboard the Pretty Lady (!), Kathy Ireland laments to Palmer that she didn't get more time to further manipulate Jake into helping them carrying out whatever nefarious plan they're about to set into motion. Palmer motions towards the bedroom and crassly asks, "Is this where you did it?" and Kathy Ireland rolls her eyes and tells him to shut up. Palmer cackles, "I guess you just couldn't hold his interest", then creepily asks how - on a scale of one to ten - she'd rate his sexual performance, and she sassily retorts, "Gee, I don't know, Palmer. Why don't you ask your daughter?", then turns and stalks off. Bwahahaha!
Jo is working a photoshoot when the weird Carters suddenly show up unannounced. As a puzzled looking Jo wanders over to where they're standing, Ma Carter sweetly tells Jo that she and her husband will be there for whatever she needs, and Jo thanks them and wishes them a safe trip home. Ma Carter urges, "Take good care of our baby!" before she and Pa Carter amble off. Jane drops by the sanitarium to visit with Sydney and tell her she heard that her lawyer really wants her to take a plea deal. Sydney adamantly refuses to sign anything, insists that she's not confessing to a crime she didn't commit, and says she wouldn't put it past the D.A. to use a plea deal as a trick to put her away for a long time. At the hospital, Matt accuses Kimberly of running over Michael and trying to pin it on Sydney, and Kimberly warns that if he continues to slander her like this she'll slap him with a lawsuit that will cost him a lot, including his job. A unfazed Matt points out that she's pretty touchy for woman who claims to be innocent, and Kimberly chortles as she asks how she could possibly have tucked her lustrous mane beneath a short blonde wig to disguise herself while running over Michael. Matt responds by grabbing at her hair and pulling...revealing that, in fact, she's been wearing a wig to cover her sparse hair follicles underneath. He smugly asks, "Does this answer your question?" and she shoots him a hateful stink-eye and growls, "You're a dead man, Fielding." That night at the sanitarium, a creepy orderly tiptoes into the sleeping quarters, seats himself at Sydney's bedside, and creepily whispers, "I'm keeping an eye on you." Sydney shoots him a 'the fuckity fuck?' look and assures him she's fine - but he insists it'd be nice to have a guy like him looking after her, declaring, "I want to make you my special girlfriend." Sydney flinches and tells him it'll never happen...and when he leans in and tries to kiss her, she slaps him across the face. He reacts by laughing maniacally and warns that during their "next playtime" he won't be so gentle, then coos, "Sleep tight, pretty girl" ... and a freaked out Sydney tears up as he tiptoes off. Matt calls Jane from the hospital lobby to report that he confronted Kimberly about running Michael over and can confirm that she does, in fact, wear a wig...meaning that she could easily have worn a short blonde wig as a disguise during the hit and run. He tells Jane they should prolly go to the police and speak up about their suspicions - but Jane says it's a totally moot point now, 'cause Sydney just confessed to the police and is being released on a work probation agreement (at Jane Mancini Designs). A befuddled Matt hangs up the phone, then just happens to run into Kimberly. He profusely apologizes for tearing her wig off the other day, but she just stares at him icily and warns him to watch his step, 'cause a hospital can be a dangerous place to work. She then stalks off, leaving Matt staring worriedly into space. Back at D&D...in full hearing range of Alison, Amanda tells Billy she just happens to have a vacancy in the Melrose Place building, and he perks up at that and agrees to move into his new bachelor pad asap. Jane and Chris arrive at the sanitarium to pick up Sydney, who's acting kinda dopey after the doctor ordered she be put on a mild sedative during the release process. She hugs Jane, thanks her for allowing her to complete her work probation at her design company, and politely greets Chris when Jane introduces them. Amanda is relaxing in her apartment when she hears a knock at the door...and is stunned to see Palmer on her doorstep. Jo and Alison are enjoying dinner at Shooters when a deliveryman wanders over and hands Jo an envelop. She signs for it, rips it open, and is horrified to learn that the Carters are suing her for custody of her unborn child. On what grounds, I can't imagine. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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MELROSE PLACE HOMEPAGE
Recapper: Isabel K. French 
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