Melrose Place - Season 3, Episode 4

In (barely) lukewarm fondness,
Palmer Woodward
Seasons 1-3

"Grand Delusions"
Original airdate: 10/3/1994

Episode summary: Palmer is murdered by Kathy Ireland while carrying out his revenge plot against Jake. Jo begs the Carters to not sue her for the custody of her unborn child. Michael regains his memory.

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Recap: Michael is having a black and white dream/flashback of when he got hit by a car during the Season 2 finale. He wakes in a panic, then glances over at Kimberly, who's sleeping peacefully beside him, and stares contemplatively into space (as though he's starting to get a slightly clearer picture in his muddled, amnesia-ed brain about who might have been driving the car that struck him). He climbs out of the bed and ambles onto the outdoor patio to stare at the ocean...and a few seconds later, Kimberly appears and gives him a from-behind canoodle. He tells her he's sooooo frustrated about his memory loss, and she cooingly tells him not to pressure himself too much and that he should learn to be content to live the rest of his life without remembering his past. He disagrees and says he needs to regain his memory 'cause he can't go on like this.

Over at Melrose Place, Amanda makes it clear to her fugitive father that she's less than thrilled with him for choosing to hide out in her apartment. She reminds him that when he first went on the lam, the FBI stalked her and nearly charged her with aiding and abetting a criminal. Palmer faux promises to turn himself in after he handles a personal matter that should take no more than a couple of days, and Amanda moans, "Pleeeease don't do this to me" and points out that if anyone sees that he's been hiding out at Melrose Place, she too could be shipped off to prison. Palmer emphasizes that that's not his intention, that all he's asking for is two days to take care of bidness, and smarmily expresses his delight in being able to manipulate - er count on her.

Across the courtyard, Jane tells Sydney she's giving her the day off from her new job at the design studio so she can adjust to her bogus sounding "work release" situation. She warns her sister to take the job seriously - but Sydney just grumbles about how she's broke, was put on probation for a crime she didn't commit, and has an ex-husband with selected amnesia. She expresses puzzlement about how Michael can remember all of his medical training, but nothing about his personal life - right?? - then wonders if perhaps something in his brain would be triggered if he saw her in person. Jane says it's not likely, given that he didn't remember her despite (or perhaps because of) their boring five year marriage. She urges Sydney to forget about Michael and his memory loss woes and heads off to work. 

Billy is packing up his stuff while Alison chats with Jo, who's bummed about being sued for custody of her unborn child. Alison assures her that no judge would take a baby away from its mother in favor of a pair of weird grandparents who sired a murderous drug dealer, then suggests she play it safe by pretending to reassure the Carters that she does, in fact, want them to be part of her spawn's life. A few seconds later, Billy reenters the room and bitchily orders Alison to return all the wedding gifts since she was the one who called off the wedding...and Alison somehow refrains from telling the pissy little man-child where he can shove his petty bitchitude.

​Jake returns to the Pretty Lady and looks visibly dismayed to see that Kathy Ireland still hasn't fuuuuucking departed his boat yet. He glares at her incredulously and asks, "What part of 'find another place' did you not understand?", so she poutishly tells him she checked into a seedy motel last night, but hates it 'cause it's small and musty. When she adds that her abusive husband found out that she's been staying on the boat and might storm over and give him the what-for, Jake shrugs disinterestedly and says he'll be sure to be on the lookout. He then firmly tells her he doesn't have anymore time for her B.S., not least 'cause he has an upcoming photoshoot booked aboard the Pretty Lady, and she moans, "I tried.." and dejectedly shuffles off. 

"What part of get lost don't you understand?"

"Either word."

Over at D&D, Amanda tells Alison and Billy that they're close to landing an account with Glorious Gowns (a chain of bridal saloons), and that she needs them to step into a client meeting with her, like right now. Billy grumbles that he doesn't know anything about weddings, to which Alison snaps, "You would if you'd paid attention to your own." Amanda irritably tells them to shut it, act like professionals, and prepare to close the deal. A few seconds later, the three enter the conference room, where Amanda begins her final pitch to the head of Glorious Gowns (Bob McGovern). Alison chimes in with the discussion and suggests a photoshoot aboard a boat, brainstorming an idea involving the bride's veil and dress blowing in the wind as she jumps overboard. An incredulous Billy mutters, "Escaping from your own wedding...wonder where you got that idea" ... and after shooting him an incredulous stink-eye, Alison explains that the concept is more about taking the plunge than it is escaping a boneheaded fiancé. Bob McGovern gushes about how much he looooooves her idea, and Alison gaily says they have a boat on reserve for all of their photoshoots. Amanda cuts in to ask her if she's referring to Jake's boat...and when she says she is, Amanda brusquely informs her that D&D no longer does business with Jack Hanson 'cause she's still extremely miffed that he dumped her shortly before hitting the sheets with Kathy Ireland. 

Michael is sitting cross-legged on the beach when Sydney sashays over and seats herself beside him. He says hello to the pretty "stranger", tells her he's suffering from a strange case of selective amnesia, and can't seem to recall anything about his personal life. Sydney slyly introduces herself as Miranda and tells him that she used to live on the beach.

Jake drops by Amanda's apartment and demands to know if his dalliance with Kathy Ireland is the reason she cancelled all D&D business aboard the Pretty Lady, and she haughtily denies that by firmly declaring, "I don't make business decisions based on your carnal whims" ... even though she clearly just made a business decision based on his latest carnal whim. Jake calls her out for being jealous of his new sex-mate, and she snarlingly retorts that she's going to find a far better boat for D&D's photoshoots, then hustles him out the door. A few seconds later, Palmer emerges from his hiding place in the bedroom and tells her not to waste her time on a loser like Jake - but Amanda admonishes him for criticizing Jake, who she calls an honest man who was there for her when he (Palmer) skipped bail and ran off. She then wearily tells him to help himself to dinner, 'cause she's suddenly lost her appetite...and after she heads off to bed, Palmer picks up the phone to call Kathy Ireland and tell her they need to get their nefarious plan in motion asap.

Jo travels to Casa Carter to tell Reed's weird parents she was hoping they could work out this - frankly ridonkulous - custody issue out of court. She wankingly tells them she totally gets that they've been through a lot since Reed's [totally justified] killing, credits them for being so warm and understanding towards her during their L.A. visit, and has been racking her brain wondering why, in the name of all that is holy, they think that any judge in California would award a pair of odd grandparents custody of a baby who has a reasonably functioning mother. She earnestly says she wants her baby to know his/her father's family, to which Ma Carter snaps, "And that's supposed to make up for the fact that you murdered our son?" Pa Carter concurs with that sentiment and says he doesn't want his grandchild to be raised by a cold-blooded killer. An ashen-faced Jo calls this visit a mistake [ya think?] and heads toward the door, while Ma Carter lectures her about how her baby should be raised by people who have good values and sound moral judgement. Jo calls the grisly pair "sanctimonious, self-righteous hypocrites" and wails, "This is my baby!" and that no in way in hell are they ever going to change that. 

"You can't possibly want to take a baby away from its mother."

"We can and we will."

Michael returns to the beach house carrying a bag of groceries and finds "Miranda" lazing atop his deck lounger. He scrunches his face worriedly and tells her he doesn't live here alone, then admits that he's not married...to which Sydney perks up and starts smooching him. Michael pushes her away, says he's engaged to be married and that he strongly believes in fidelity. Sydney somehow refrains from laughing out loud at that pronouncement as she continues to smooch him - but he firmly pushes her away a second time and says that despite how beautiful she is, he really needs her to leave.

Billy storms into Amanda's office, throws a report onto her desk, and whiningly complains that he was up all night working on the copy for Glorious Gowns, only to be told by Alison that his writing skills are the shits. Amanda picks up the report, glances through it, and declares it great...and adds that Alison often allows herself to be affected by personal bias, and that she can only assume she's somehow threatened by his awe-inspiring ability to so quickly make the jump from journalism to advertising. She wankingly assures the thin-skinned imbecile that he's doing splendidly at D&D - despite his ridiculous lack of professionalism during two meetings so far - and promises to give Alison the what-for for her unsupportive 'tude.

Palmer is in a car with Kathy Ireland, who's practicing writing Amanda's signature. Palmer urges her to keep at it, 'cause he'd prefer to not involve his daughter in the 'bank withdrawal' part of their nefarious scheme. A fed up Kathy Ireland complains that she only agreed to rig Jake's boat with explosives, and that he's officially on his own figuring how to get $1 million out of his daughter's safety deposit box.

That evening, Amanda and Palmer are eating takeout...and Amanda makes it clear how deeply annoyed she is that he's still hiding out in her apartment. He's like, "Yeah whatever" and says he needs one more favor...then fibs about how he got involved with some bad people who are now demanding that he pay up all the money he owes them - otherwise they might come after his family (aka Amanda). When Amanda says that most of her money is tied up in her ownership of Melrose Place, Palmer reveals that years ago he opened a safety deposit box in both their names and deposited $1 million...and he now needs her help extracting the cash. 

Kimberly and Michael are leaving a restaurant after enjoying a sumptuous meal. As Michael crosses the street, a car suddenly races towards him...and he reacts by freezing and staring into the headlights like a startled deer as he suddenly recalls the identity of the person who tried to mow him down during the Season 2 finale. 

The following morning at the beach house, Kimberly basks in some post coital afterglow and gushes at Michael about how super awesomely he always performs in the sack. She remarks on how he's usually in the kitchen by this time, making them breakfast while she gets ready for work, so Michael tells her he feels ready to get back to being a doctor. Kimberly frowns disapprovingly and insists that he still needs to take a lot of time off to heal...and as she skips off to the bathroom, he glares after her with a look of disgust.

Amanda emerges from the bank carrying a briefcase full of cash and hurries back to her car where Palmer is waiting. He glances at the stack o' cash, approvingly says, "Good girl" and explains that he stashed the money in a safety deposit box so he wouldn't have to hand it over to his ex-wife as part of their divorce settlement. He adds that he only dug into it so he could help her (Amanda) with the down payment of Melrose Place. Amanda looks stunned by the admission, then grins happily and says she had no idea that this secret stash was the source of that funding. 

"I'm counting on your naïveté to help fund my escape from the law."

"You can definitely count on my cluelessness to be an unwitting accomplice."

Kathy Ireland sneaks aboard the Pretty Lady carrying a big black bag filled with explosives, officially launching Palmer's nefarious, way-out-of-proportion revenge plot to blow up Jake and his boat.

Back at D&D, Alison grumbles at Amanda for overriding her rejection of Billy's copy for Glorious Gowns, and Amanda accuses her of trying to sabotage Billy's career and insists that the dumbfuck is one of the world's greatest copywriters. She adds that she'd be well within her rights to fire her for making business decisions based on a personal vendetta - much like when she cancelled D&D's contract with Jake for the use of his boat after he dumped her and then doinked Kathy Ireland - and Alison growls, "Sure, fire me." Amanda rails about how weirdly pissed she still is about ancient history from the previous season, specifically when she (Alison) blabbed about her "affair" with Chas and testified in court about it, 'cause it almost resulted in her losing her mom and her job. She declares it payback time and warns, "I promise to make your life a living hell." So noted.

After work, Amanda returns home with a bag of groceries and looks around for her dad...but it soon becomes clear that Palmer has packed up his things and absconded with the cash. She mutters, "Damn you, daddy", then picks up the phone and calls the FBI to dutifully report the reappearance of her felonious father. 

Michael drops by Jane's apartment to see "Miranda", and fake gushes about how he followed her home 'cause he just couldn't stop thinking about her. A delighted Sydney invites him inside...and after a quick smoochfest, he picks her up and carries her to the bedroom. He tells her he had a dream last night that she wanted him to tie her up to indulge in a little S&M foreplay, and she looks intrigued by the prospect and purrs, "Make me yours, Michael." He ties her wrists to the bed, then steps back to glare at her disdainfully as he says, "I wouldn't sleep with you at gunpoint." Sydney stares back at him in dismay and asks if his amnesia has magically resolved itself, and he smilingly says it has. He asks her who tried to mow him down, and Sydney insists it was Crazy Kimberly, who first tried to frame Jane, then her. She then begs him to untie her, but he just saunters out of the room while murmuring, "Sleep tight."

"Let me guess...your selective amnesia became fully de-selected?"

"Bingo!"

When Jane and Chris return to the apartment, they hear Sydney shrieking for help from the bedroom...and when they rush into the room and are all, "Uh, why are you tied to the bed?", she tells them that Michael forcibly tied her up when his memory came back. Jane scrunches her face skeptically at the notion of Sydney having to be forced into any kind of bondage sex-play...and Chris abruptly says he should prolly be going now, and smooches Jane while at the same time creepishly giving Sydney an appreciative once over.

Palmer climbs aboard the Pretty Lady, pulls out a gun, and sneaks up behind Jake. He shoves the gun into Jake's back and growls, "Let's go for a ride."

Sydney is working at Jane Mancini Designs when Chris enters the studio, hovers closely behind her, and asks her how she's doing after having been tied up for hours. He says he can only assume that she allowed Michael to tie her up, then derisively adds, "No wonder you made such a good whore." Sydney mumbles how stunned she is that Jane would tell him about her hooking stint, and he just shrugs and says he'd have figured it out soon enough, explaining, "I've seen enough white trash hookers to last a lifetime." Ouch.

When Kimberly returns home from work, Michael suggests they go out for dinner, urging her to wear a pink dress 'cause it'd look nice with the blonde wig. When she's all, "Say wha-a-a?", he sarcastically retorts, "Just a little amnesia humor. Hi honey, I'm home." A panicked looking Kimberly's all, "Ack!" and rushes back out the door to her car - but Michael stands in front of it and eggs her on to actually go through with killing him this time. Kimberly reaches down deep, but can't bring herself to run him over a second time and starts sobbing...and Michael pulls her out of the driver's seat and bellows at her to decide if she wants to love him or kill him. Kimberly must have mutely chosen the love option, 'cause he then rips open her blouse before the two start violently getting it on atop the hood of her car.

That evening aboard the Pretty Lady, Palmer overshares with Jake about how he needs to get rid of his old identity so he can assume a new one, calling the operation, "Killing two birds with one bomb." He then looks out at the dark ocean through his binoculars and spots a second boat approach...and Jake is stunned when he sees that Kathy Ireland is at the wheel. She points the gun at him and smugly says, "Let's see how you take care of yourself now, Jake", and gleefully reveals that she and Palmer have been partners in crime for the last three episodes. Palmer chides a dismayed Jake for his part in getting him arrested, then stealing (?) Amanda and turning her against him...and that he has no intention of allowing his daughter to risk ruining her future for a loser like him. He then then hits Jake over the head and tells Kathy Ireland he's now ready to flee - but Kathy Ireland's all, "I just decided I don't have any use for an old man who has the FBI on his tail", then shoots him (!) and urges Jake to regain consciousness and come with her (adding that she has new IDs and Palmer's $1 million in cash). Jake tells her to go to hell, and she looks visibly irked by the rejection as she speeds off in the boat. A few seconds later, Jake spots the explosives that Kathy Ireland had planted aboard the boat earlier, muttering, "Oh nooooo" - just as she pulls out a detonation device, murmurs, "Bye, Jake", and presses the button. A few seconds later, the Pretty Lady is torn apart by a massive explosion and continues to burn as the camera fades to black.

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