Recap: The mysterious woman from the previous episode - and I'm just going to rip the bandaid off and start referring to her as Dominique (Deveraux), 'cause her 'I'm a mysterious newcomer' schtick is quickly starting to grate - is sitting at the piano, entertaining the dinner guests with her lovely singing voice. I fast forwarded to the part where Alexis sweeps in and seats herself at the bar and orders champagne...and a few seconds later, the singing mercifully wraps up. Dominique nods at the obligatory applause, then sashays over to where Alexis is seated. Alexis sheepishly admits she now realizes she's a quasi-famous singer, and Dominique brags about how rich she is and how many properties she owns. Alexis asks her why she didn't tell her who she was when they had their riddle-filled one-on-one the other day, and Dominque says her ego was bruised when she (or anyone else in Denver, for that matter) didn't immediately recognize who she was and fawn over her...plus, she's enjoying skulking around Denver in fur draped coats, making her (Alexis) uncomfortable. As she stalks off in her glittery white pants suit, Alexis asks the bartender how long her sassy new cast mate is going to be a guest at La Mirage, and he says indefinitely.
Steven ambles down to the study, where Blake is pouring himself a cup of tea. Blake asks whassup with his obvious restlessness, so Steven tells him he's freaked out about possibly losing his son now that Sammy Jo has expressed that she suddenly wants custody of the tot. Blake is all, "Wuh?" and somehow refrains from reminding Steven that earlier this season there was an entire episode that centered around a judge officially giving him and his wife-beard custody of Danny after the two got married in Reno.
Sammy Jo is lounging in Morgan Hess's bed, munching pizza. When he enters his apartment, he looks surprised to see her there...so she explains that the janitor let her in 'cause apparently he remembered her from when she and Hess used to regularly doink. Interesting revelation...and ew. She holds up the bouquet of violets he has sitting on his nightstand and says, "They nearly did the trick on her, didn't they?" and the two recap for viewers that, off camera earlier this season, they had conspired to drive Claudia so crazy she'd have to be re-committed to the funny farm. Hess asks her how she'd react if he blabbed about their conspiracy to the Carringtons...and she says, on the upside, they'd finally realize she's not the stupid tart they think she is, then tells him how angry she still is about how they once humiliated her in court. Sammy Jo warns Hess that if he tattles on her he'll never see her again...and he quickly assures her he was just kidding, and that he still dreams about her and calls her "the most beautiful thing I've ever known". As he smooches her neck, Sammy Jo smiles smugly to herself.
Kirby drops by the penthouse to talk to Alexis, who snappishly tells her she's in a shitty mood and to just say what she came to say, then get the hell out. Kirby assures her it won't take long, then reminds her that she walked out on her when she brought her to her father's bungalow during The Check episode. Alexis is like, "Well, d'yuh" and says she tuned her out during that scene 'cause all she did was natter about her father's death, and Kirby's like, "Speaking of my father.." (fuuuuuuuck) and once again tells Alexis she's to blame for the man's suicide. Alexis refuses to listen and orders her to get out - but Kirby refuses, says she robbed her of the most important person in her life by driving him to suicide, then declares, "A life for a life." As Alexis rolls her eyes impatiently, Kirby pulls out her handgun and aims it at her - and Alexis gasps, "Oh God!" Kirby smugly retorts, "Oh yes, pray to him" and Alexis reminds her that her nutty mother committed a similar crime and was sentenced to a mental institution. Kirby yells at her to not to invoke her murderous mother...and her hands start shaking uncontrollably. Alexis tells her if she felt this strongly about killing her, she would have shot her at her father's bungalow, and Kirby says she had every intention of doing just that - but then lost her nerve when the pesky neighbor interrupted. Alexis urges her to shoot, egging her on by saying, "Pull the trigger and watch me die." Kirby looks stricken as her hands start to shake even more uncontrollably...but eventually she decides she can't commit murder after all and meekly puts the gun down. She tearfully asks Alexis if she's going to call the police, but Alexis assures her she won't if she agrees to not marry Adam and then moves to Paris while keeping mum about this conversation. If, however, she chooses to marry Adam, she (Alexis) will cut Adam off...which kind of seems like a pretty hollow threat 'cause doesn't he work at Denver Carrington and live in Blake's mansion? Kirby calls Alexis a bitch, and Alexis proudly concurs and urges her to learn from her bitchitude.
Sammy Jo is loading up on carbs at the mansion's breakfast buffet spread when Krystle enters the dining room and asks her if she told Steven she wants Danny back. Sammy Jo says yep, so an incredulous Krystle exclaims, "You can't be serious!", then urges her niece to grow up and says if she really cared about the tot, she'd do what's best for him. Sammy Jo insists that she's the best person to raise her son: not her (Krystle), Blake, or his gay son. She then flounces up to the nursery and orders the nanny to get Danny ready for some outdoor playtime.
Kirby is packing her bags when Adam drops by...and Sammy Jo happens to walk by at that moment and starts eavesdropping. When Adam sees all the suitcases, he asks Kirby what in blazes she's doing, so she tells him she's decided to not marry him and is moving to Paris. He asks her if Alexis had anything to do with this, and she says no and insists that she doesn't love him...which, considering he raped her, wouldn't actually be any kind of a stretch. Adam doesn't want to believe it and forcibly hugs and kisses her, so she accuses him of being all rapey again (!) and snaps, "Is that all you want from me?!" Adam looks miffed, says he tried to be decent to her, and accuses her of running back to the Frenchman who treated her like dirt. He then decides that that's what she's been to him all along: dirt. He storms out, and Kirby stares after him looking mournful.
Sammy Jo informs the nanny that she suddenly changed her mind about wanting to take Danny outdoors for some playtime...and the beleaguered nanny rolls her eyes in exasperation.
Jeff drops in on Fallon and gabbles about how much he'd loooove to take her on an African safari for their honeymoon, and she tells him she definitely likes the sound of that. The two then canoodle and coo about how awesome their trip will be, and how much beautiful love they plan to make...then smooch and exchange fervent I love yous.
Adam is broodily working out on a stationary bicycle in the mansion's workout room when Sammy Jo enters wearing a sexy red '80s workout leotard. She asks him if he wants to be alone...and when he says no, she says she'd enjoy his company 'cause she could really use a man's hands for some of her exercises. She demonstrates some of the moves, and - no surprise - he uses the opportunity to get all grab handsy with her again. After clowning around and giggling, the two stare deeply into each other's eyes and start smooching. Steven enters the room at that moment, looks icked out by the disturbing spectacle, and asks Adam to excuse him and Sammy Jo. Steven confronts his ex about the custody papers she just filed through her lawyer, then snarkishly says he's looking forward to telling the judge what kind of woman she really is. Sammy Jo insists she's not an unfit mother and that she wants to raise her son alongside a hetero man. Steven incredulously asks, "Adam..?" then grabs the towel that's draped around her neck and warns her that over his dead body will she or Adam be allowed to raise his precious child.
Dex drops by Blake's office to make him a low ball offer of $10 million for his football team. Blake calls the offer a joke and tells him he well knows that the team is worth five times that much. He dramatically rips up the check, and Dex shoots him a smug stare and stalks out of the room. That was completely pointless, Dex.
Steven and Claudia are lunching at the La Mirage and discussing the tedious custody subplot. Steven says he wants to take the issue to court to get full custody (which he already has), but Claudia warns him if he does that, he could lose Danny forever and insists that shared custody is better than losing the fight altogether...not to mention all the %$#@* screen time that's already been devoted to the custody of little Danny. Steven glances across the room and spots Sammy Jo and Adam enter the dining area and seat themselves at the bar.
Blake is snapping at Avril Dawson over the phone when Krystle enters his office. He abruptly ends the call and tells Krystle that the banks have foreclosed on Denver Carrington, which means he's lost the company he spend twenty-five years building. Krystle nonsensically says, "They can foreclose on a company, but not on a man", then wanks him for being the world's most awesome genius in the field of oil extraction. She urges him to start another company, and Blake grunts something unintelligible and snarlishly vows that one day the very banks that denied him his loan extension will be on their knees, begging him to take out loans. LOL. As Krystle gives him a comforting hug, he suggests they go home to their mansion and kick up their feet in front of the fire, and Krystle says she'll gather her things together and meet him by the elevator. A few minutes later, secretary Marsha buzzes Blake to let him know that a Miss Deveraux is here to see him. He says he doesn't know any Miss Deveraux - but a few seconds later, Dominique storms past Marsha and flounces into Blake's office. It's interesting that TV secretaries are never able to stop determined drop-in visitors from barging their way inside. Dominique continues her annoying riddle-speak and asks Blake if Villa Marini holds any special memories for him, and he tells her he was once there on business...and she adds that he was there doing business with Sheikh Ahmed. She asks him how he could have been taken in by such a shady con man, and Blake assumes she's a reporter and wearily says he's too tired this evening to "fence with a stranger". Dominique chuckles about how everyone in Denver is mistaking her for a reporter, then urges him to look her up. Blake sighs and says he couldn't give even the tiniest of rat's asses who she is or what she wants, then exits his office. Dominique studies the framed photo of Krystle on Blake's desk and says to an empty office, "Won't it just knock their socks off when they find out I'm a Carrington?!" Well, I don't know if socks will be knocked off...but it's possible this news might pique the interest of immediate family members and Carrington sycophants during the first few episodes of Season 5.
Dex drops by the penthouse yet again - and Alexis tells him she can't talk 'cause she's too busy getting ready for Fallon's wedding. Dex reminds her that during the previous episode she told him they were never friends...then starts nattering about the double standard he set up in expecting her to not screw around even if he were screwing around. Which is nonsensical and continuity-challenged, 'cause shortly before her Hong Kong trip, there was an entire scene structured around his declaration of fidelity to her:
Dex arrives with a wrapped gift and tells Alexis he has to fly to L.A. for business later today and would like her to accompany him. Alexis unwraps the gift and coos happily at the violet corsage inside - and Dex schmaltzily suggests she wear it during their L.A. trip. Alexis tells him it's lovely, but that she's too busy to travel with him today...and adds that he'll probably want to be unfettered during the trip so he can hit the sheets with all the hot L.A. women he's sure to rub up against. Dex is all, "Whoa.." and tells her he stopped whoring around ever since the two of them hooked up, pronounces, "I'm old fashioned that way", and cites his deep belief in fidelity. Alexis credits him for being so delightfully old fashioned, but says she's still unable to accompany him on the trip. Dex says, in that case, he'll conduct his business in L.A. as quickly as he can so he can hurry home and be with her...and the two cap off the scene with a yuckily intense smooch.
A delighted Alexis calls him "modern and gallant", and Dex coos about how much he neeeeeds her, calls her "a lot of woman" (LOL), and says that he and his shriveled balls would be honored to be with her on her terms. After a long smooch, she asks him to be her escort for Fallon's wedding. He happily agrees and promises to pick her up at 6pm.
Krystle arrives at the salon spa as Alexis is getting primped in the next booth. The beautician gushes to Alexis about the excitement of Krystle's pregnancy and the whole Carrington mystique, and Alexis chuckles and implies that the baby may not actually be Blake's. Krystle, who's close enough to overhear, is all, "Wha-aaa?", then takes the bowl of mud from her beautician and marches over to the booth next door. She snarks, "So, you like to sling mud, Alexis?" and mashes the mud across her face. Alexis cries, "How dare you!" even though she was likely there for a mud facial anyway.
Fallon is in her room, reclining in front of the fire and listening to the violent thunder storm outside. Steven drops by to tell her that all of the servants are working very hard in preparation for her wedding day...and then the two reminisce about their childhood, blah blah. He tells her he senses that something's wrong, so she tells him she's been having really bad headaches ever since cracking her skull during The Accident episode. She says the headaches don't happen all that frequently, then begs him to keep mum about it since she's sure they'll pass.
The camera then pans across the kitchen, where Krystle is admiring the lavish, four tier wedding cake, and all the rich people caviar snack trays.
A gaggle of loud women are primping Fallon as she stands in front of the mirror in her wedding gown...which, incidentally, looks nothing like the gown she had on during her most recent fitting. Krystle enters the room and gushes about how beautiful she looks, then gives her the same shiny penny that Fallon had given to her on her Wedding Day #2 to Blake. After Krystle leaves to change into her maid of honor gown, the women resume their loud primping...and Fallon gets overwhelmed, suffers a headache, and shrieks, "Stop it!!" They all fall silent and stare at her in shock, and Fallon apologizes and says she'll finish the rest of the primping herself. When she's alone in the room, she stares at herself in the mirror, then has flashbacks of when she rode on the dizzying carousel. Her vision gets blurry, and ominous music starts tinkling in the background as the camera pans across the room in a chaotic, tilted position...and this seems to go on for a loooong time. Fallon rips off her veil and stares at her reflection with torment etched across her face.
The wedding guests have arrived at Carrington manor, and Krystle is circulating among the crowd while decked out in her fantastic purple maid of honor gown. Alexis arrives with Dex, whose presence annoys Blake. He ambles over to him with a WTF? expression, so Dex explains that he was invited by the mother of the bride...and Blake says he can stay for the ceremony, but will be steel-toed once the reception kicks into gear. The Here Comes the Bride music starts up, and everyone stares up at the grand staircase in excited anticipation. When Fallon doesn't appear after several minutes pass, Krystle, Blake, and Jeff rush upstairs to see whassup. They find Fallon's gown and veil strewn across the floor, then hear a honking noise outside...which implies that in the midst of a violent thunder storm, Fallon somehow climbed out the window, then shimmied her way to the ground level and fled to her car. Jeff runs outside to drive after her, and Blake follows him out - but instead of doing anything useful, he stands in his driveway and gets rained on while screeching, "Fallonnnnnn!"
Sergeant Cooper and his sidekick police officer crash the non-wedding and demand to speak to Alexis in private. Dex insists on coming along, so the group heads over to the study. Alexis snarks about how tired she is of being questioned about Mark's death, so Sergeant Cooper informs her that he just learned about a bank account Mark opened shortly before his death, which contains a deposit of 100K...and when they traced the cash, they discovered that it came from a personal check she had written to him. Sergeant Cooper deduces that since Mark was 100K richer than anyone thought, he could not possibly have been suicidal...and that since he was clearly blackmailing Alexis, she must have pushed him over the balcony after an argument. Despite there being zero proof, witnesses, or the general implausibility of a smallish woman like Alexis being able to physically overpower a fit man Mark's size and toss him over the railing of a balcony. As he places her under arrest and orders his sidekick to cuff her, Alexis protests how ridiculous this is, then cries at Dex, "Do something!" so he rushes over to the nearest phone to call a lawyer.
Fallon is speeding through the rain looking tearful and tormented...and Jeff is in close pursuit. And we know that they're both driving very fast 'cause the camera keeps panning over to each of their speedometers. Jeff has to brake to avoid hitting a construction truck, and leaps out of his car and screams, "Fallonnnnnn!" It remains unclear why Fallon continues to haphazardly flee instead of heading straight to the hospital for another CT of her cracked skull.
At the local jail, Alexis is led into a holding cell and endures the indignity of other female inmates whistling and cat-calling her. Alexis tells the officer that her implausible arrest is a terrible mistake, but the officer doesn't care and tells her to make herself comfortable while the judge sets her bail. Alexis grips the bars and screeches, "Let me out of here!!"
Fallon suffers a headache while racing through the rain...and it looks like she's about to have a head-on collision with a large truck. She screams and swerves...and after a flash of light, the camera fades to black.
Farewell, Pamela Sue Martin!
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!