Recap: Carrie, Jackie, and Che are podcast-debating their worst breakup experiences, and Carrie decrees that she's the hands down winner 'cause of Big keeling over after his Peloton workout, declaring, "Death, the ultimate breakup." &^%$#!
Later, Carrie tells Big's ashes that she's going out on a date with Peter, and Big's ashes are like, "I really don't give a shit 'cause I'm dead."
At the end of the evening, Peter walks Carrie to her brownstone, pleasantly chuckling about how they both survived the date. He then admits to Googling her and learning that she's a NY Times bestselling author, and she jokingly denies being that Carrie Bradshaw, then says she too Googled him and was impressed to learn that he was New York State teacher of the year in 2018. Peter politely asks if she's willing to give him the green light for a chaste goodnight kiss...and when and she tepidly nods her OK, he leans in and gives her a smooch lite. He then says they did pretty OK for two heartbroken people [who continue to have zero sexual chemistry], and she agrees, bids him good night, and heads up to her apartment.
Seema is getting it on with the sexy new club owner she met during the previous episode when Carrie calls to report on her boring date with Peter. When she hears Sexy's voice in the background, Seema explains that they've been sexing in a hotel suite for the last three days on the smoking floor (is there really such a thing in New York in 2021?). She pretends to want to know the details of Carrie's first kiss with Peter, so Carrie complains that the man definitely does not make her heart race, and that she kinda hated that he asked for permission prior to leaning in for the kiss. Sexy saunters over to canoodle Seema...and as the two tumble onto the bed and start getting it on, Carrie takes the hint and abruptly ends the call.
Carrie is ready to go to sleep, so she turns off her reading lamp...and is mystified when the lamp somehow turns itself back on.
At lunch the next day, Carrie tells Miranda and Charlotte she thinks that Big is mad at her, then explains that after she kissed Peter on their third date, her reading lamp started started turning itself on and then blinking on and off, which she's translating to mean that Big is expressing his displeasure about her dating Peter. Charlotte says that while she could totally buy that Big might be communicating with her through a reading lamp, she doesn't think he'd be angry at her for moving on with her life. Miranda says she doesn't buy any of this and tells Carrie that she's probably just feeling guilty about going out with Peter...then changes the subject to a family dinner that Che has invited her to attend. Charlotte's phone lights up with the message that, after various other rabbis have had to cancel (due to fake family emergencies) presiding over Rock's imminent they mitzvah, a transgender rabbi is available. She happily squeals, "It's bashert!"
Carrie informs Samantha via text that she kissed a man...and when Samantha texts back to ask how it was, Carrie replies, "It wasn't Big." The two then agree to have an actual, real time voice-to-voice phone conversation off-camera at some point.
Carrie brings her malfunctioning lamp to a lamp repair shop and tells the technician that it keeps turning itself on and off. The technician agrees that that's very strange.
Anthony shows Charlotte and Harry the sourdough challah bread he plans to make for Rock's they mitzvah, says it's the only sourdough challah in the city, and that he plans to take full advantage of this untapped market. Harry makes a face, disapprovingly calls it "hipster challah", and says that the older Jews attending the they mitzvah are going to want the traditional stuff. Anthony compromises and agrees to make half of the loaves non-sourdough - just as Rabbi Jen enters the room to inform Charlotte and Harry that Rock is not prepared for their they mitzvah on account of they don't even know the basics of the Torah, and that moving ahead with the current plan isn't realistic. She suggests cutting down the Torah portion to two lines or conducting the service in English - but Charlotte adamantly nixes that idea, and Anthony says he's going to try talking some sense into the over-indulged imp.
Anthony storms over to the living room, where Rock is lounging on the couch, playing a video game. Anthony admonishes them for fake studying the Torah and for being about to blow it at their they mitzvah. He barks, "Learn your friggin' lines!", takes away the video game controller, and storms out of the room.
Miranda shows up at Che's family gathering in what looks like a nightclub and is introduced to Che's grandmothers. Che then sits her down and rushes over to the stage to begin singing a rendition of the Beach Boys' California Girls. A perplexed Miranda asks the grandmothers what in blazes is happening, and they respond by smiling vacantly at her. Che wraps up the song, then explains that this is their way of sharing to their loved ones that they're off to California 'cause they've somehow been cast in a new pilot...and a crestfallen Miranda stares despondently into space.
Later, Che tells Miranda that it'll probably take about a month to see if the pilot gets picked up...and explains that they didn't want to say anything until it was more of a sure thing, then admits that they're "a fuckin' narcissist" to inform everyone of their good news by belting out California Girls at a family fathering...which, no duh. They inform Miranda that the plan is to fly to L.A. on Saturday and that they'd really really like it if she tagged along.
Che breaks the news of their imminent departure, and the [merciful] end to the grisly podcast to Carrie, Jackie, and Franklyn (the cute control booth guy). Che wanks them about how proud they are of the podcast, and Franklyn just shrugs and tells them it's their show and their decision - while Jackie gets visibly upset at suddenly having no more podcast to perform in, and Carrie glumly remarks that she was just getting the hang of real time raunch talk.
Later, Jackie tells Carrie he's stunned by the sudden end to the podcast, then invites her to attend a party at his house on Friday night.
Miranda stops by Nya's office to inform her that she's made a life decision to finish up the semester remotely 'cause she wants to be with Che in L.A. for the next several months while they film their new TV pilot. Nya gives her a the fuck? look and asks her if she's seriously, actually, for real throwing away the opportunity to intern for Human Rights Watch, aka the competitive internship she was offered after she (Nya) wrote her a glowing recommendation? Miranda sheepishly says that, yep, she's pulling out of that to follow her heart, and that she doesn't want to second guess herself like she usually does. Nya backs off and says she totally gets that, then sadly shares that Andre is currently on tour so that they can each gauge how it feels to be apart and grasp what they may be throwing away for a yet non-existent baby.
Seema calls Carrie to report that she really really likes her sexy new beau - just as Carrie arrives at a fancy restaurant to have lunch with Big's brother [who doesn't seem to have been given a name]. He asks her how she's doing these days, then asks where John is...and Carrie stares back at him in horrified incredulity before reminding him of Big's death. Brother Big says he knows that, and is asking where his remains are 'cause he never got word of a final resting place. Carrie says she hasn't decided that yet, and has been keeping Big's ashes on a shelf next to her favorite stilettos until a better idea magically comes to mind. Brother Big asks her to consider burying the ashes inside the family crypt, then adds that since he and his wife are splitting up, there's room in there for her too. Carrie looks aghast at the prospect of eternal rest inside a crypt, but politely thanks him and says she's going to need to think long and hard about where Big would most want to be.
Carrie returns to the lamp repair shop to pick up her reading lamp. The technician confirms that it had a bad wire, which he fixed. Or so he claims.
Jackie's party! Jackie introduces Carrie to his girlfriend Smoke, then rushes over to a microphone to announce to the partygoers that - surprise! - they're actually attending his and Smoke's impromptu wedding ceremony! A few seconds later, Franklyn makes his appearance and wanks Carrie about how great she was at giving relationship advice to people who called into the podcast, then suggests she start her own podcast, which he'd be more than happy to produce. Mmm hmm..
That night, Carrie tells Big/the reading lamp to blink if he's trying to reach her...and when nothing happens, she shuts it off and lays her head atop the pillow. A few seconds later, the lamp suddenly turns itself back on, prompting Carrie to coo, "That is soooo you." She then turns it off, falls asleep, and has a vivid dream about being on the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris, aka the same bridge where Big told Carrie she was "the one" during the Sex and the City finale. [I'm guessing this was the scene the producers had to retool after making the swift decision to eliminate any further footage of Chris Noth after several women came forward with sexual assault allegations.] Carrie wakes up, notices that the reading lamp has turned itself back on, and stares contemplatively into space.
They mitzvah! While noshing during coffee hour, Carrie tells Miranda and Charlotte that Big came to her in a dream last night and expressed his final wish to have his ashes scattered into the Seine from the the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris, which she calls "our bridge" ... and adds that she made plane and hotel reservations for the three of them to go to Paris so that they can all do this together. Charlotte says she's in, while Miranda says she first has to check her schedule. A few seconds later, Anthony and his Hot Fellas deliverers arrive with the regular and sourdough challah loaves, while Harry rushes over to Charlotte to grimly inform her that there's a situation requiring her immediate attention.
Rock stubbornly says they're refusing to take part in the they mitzvah, and Charlotte insists they are 'cause they've been practicing and studying for months (even though it was established that Rock hadn't actually studied much at all). Rock argues that they don't even believe in the notion of being they mitzvahed...and Harry and Charlotte exchange troubled expressions of hapless concern.
Miranda tells Carrie she'll have to fly to Paris from L.A., then explains that she'll be on the west coast with Che while they film their pilot. Carrie says the flight from L.A. to Paris is much too long for a three-day trip, then dismissively tells her to forget about it, and chides herself for being presumptuous in expecting her to drop everything to jet to Paris with her and Charlotte. Miranda follows Carrie into the ladies room and insists that she really really wants to come to Paris for the spreading of Big's ashes, but that it's also really really important to her to be in L.A. for the taping of Che's pilot. Carrie gives her a the fuck? look and asks if she really, seriously, actually passed up her internship with Human Rights Watch so that she can trail after Che, then derisively asks her what she's going to do in L.A. all day: sit in the audience and laugh? She points out how utterly out of character it is for her to no longer focus on her own life aspirations, and Miranda just kind of shrugs and chalks that up to the writers' decision to water her character down from being the ballsy, pragmatic lawyer she was throughout six seasons of Sex and the City to a pathetically love-sick puppy who's content to throw rare career opportunities out the window to follow her new non-binary lover to California just so she can watch them live out their dreams. Carrie half-heartedly tells her to just do whatever she wants and not worry about what anyone else thinks - just as Rabbi Jen exits one of the stalls and urges the ladies to protect what's clearly a precious, strong friendship bond.
Rock continues to dig in about not wanting to be they mitzvahed, and is further objecting to labels of any kind: Jew, girl, boy, non-binary, Christian, Muslim, New Yorker, earthling. A distraught Charlotte unburdens herself to Lisa about Rock's refusal to be they mitzvahed, and Lisa wanks her about what a super awesome mom she is, then urges her to take a breath and think about what she wants as a result of this special occasion [to which she's invited a whole lot of people].
Charlotte marches back to where Rock is brooding and reminds her daughter that there's a large roomful of people waiting for something interesting to happen. She insists that someone is going out there and getting *** mitzvahed today...and by someone, she means it'll end up being herself, 'cause that won't be odd for the guests who are expecting to commemorate a teenager on reaching their religious adulthood. In the next scene, Rabbi Jen is standing next to Charlotte while declaring that this grown woman has been officially bat mitzvahed, then invites the rest of the Goldenblatts to join them for the next blessing...which they do, including spoiled rotten Rock.
Carrie tells Charlotte that Miranda won't be coming to Paris 'cause of her Che plans, and tells Charlotte she need not come either 'cause she now thinks that the spreading of Big's ashes is something she's capable of doing on her own.
As Brady waits for his airport car so that he can head off on a backpacking trip through Europe with Luisa, he and Miranda quip about her new red hairdo...which she got, 'cause after railing about "grey pride" throughout this reboot, she suddenly felt like changing it up.
Carrie is decked out in a scarily poofy orange Valentino gown as she ambles onto the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris clutching a small bag shaped like the Eiffel Tower. She stares down at the Seine with an anguished expression before finally opening the Eiffel Tower bag and scattering Big's ashes into the water below. After staring sadly into space some more, she pulls her phone out and texts Samantha to let her know she's in Paris, and invites her to meet up for a cocktail. Samantha suggests tomorrow night, and Carrie replies with FABULOUS.
Back in New York, Carrie is podcasting relationship advice while Franklyn produces from the adjacent control booth. She assures a heartbroken caller who just got dumped that one day she'll laugh again, especially if she has a few good friends to lean on...and that love is always a possibility, given that the future is unwritten. The caller thanks her and says that that platitude really helped, and then Franklyn motions for her to wrap it up. Carrie promptly signs off from her very first Sex and the City podcast.
Franklyn walks Carrie to the elevator, wanking her about what a phenomenal job she did on Episode One. Carrie credits him with making it soooo easy for her to get through her first podcast, and he responds by leaning in and giving her a passionate smooch.
Suck on that, Peter.
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Recap: Over lunch at a fancy diner, Miranda tells Charlotte and Carrie she has a favor to ask of them, and that it involves manual labor and Brooklyn. She explains that she'd like to recruit them as helpers to finish painting the women's shelter Nya has been volunteering to help get off the ground and says the charity needs a big turnout on Saturday. Charlotte eagerly says she's in and that she'll bring her kids along, while Carrie's all 'meh' about the notion of manual labor and says she'd much prefer to write a check. Miranda nixes that and tells Carrie she can't just be the white lady who writes checks, and that she needs to "change it up" in her life and actually get her hands dirty while painting. Charlotte's like, "Speaking of change.." and tells the gals that since she hasn't had her period in four months she's assuming she's in full on menopause, then smugly adds that she hasn't experienced any terrible symptoms like the two of them have reportedly suffered.
Lisette drops by Carrie's apartment to give her a ring she designed, then admits she has an ulterior motive: she'd looooove for Carrie to post a photo of herself wearing it on her Instagram page so that her jewelry designs can get maximum exposure among Carrie's raunch reading fans. Carrie warns her to lower her expectations and points out that she's just a lowly writer, and Lisette mumbles, "Hardly" and wanks her about how obsessed she is with her podcast, which...seriously? As Carrie tries on her new ring, Lisette notices that she's also wearing a wedding ring and remarks on how she's never seen her husband around, so Carrie sadly explains that a Peloton recently killed him and that she hasn't yet been able to bring herself to stop wearing her wedding ring.
Charlotte is hovering over Rock as she helps them study for the upcoming *** mitzvah. Rock whines about not wanting a bat mitzvah, so Charlotte clarifies that it'll be a they mitzvah, and that they are going to need to study a lot harder in order to be fully prepared for the imminent rite of passage. A few seconds later, Anthony calls to inform Charlotte that he's bringing a new boy toy to Shabbat dinner on Friday...and while that's happening, Lily lets out a horrified shriek from the nearby bathroom. She rushes over in a panic to inform her mother that an anticipated visit from Aunt Flo is going to ruin an upcoming Hampton's pool party she's been invited to. Charlotte says the choice is clear: learn how to use a tampon, or skip the pool party. Lily responds by shrieking in frustration.
Over at the Empire Diner, Che tells Miranda she's looking especially pretty today, and Miranda tells Che to consider the compliment returned in whatever non-offensive woke manner a compliment can be received by an insufferably self-absorbed human soapbox. Two trans women who are clearly fans of Che make a beeline over to get a selfie and discuss all of the people they know who are rumored to have slept with Che - awkward - and Miranda, who has identified herself as Che's non-famous girlfriend, offers to take the photo.
While standing in line to get into a nightclub, Carrie asks Seema if she wouldn't mind taking a photo of her flashing the shiny new ring Lisette gave her so that she can post it on Instagram. Seema indulges her, then expresses her annoyance at having to wait in line at a club and is tempted to bribe the doorman 'cause she really really wants to go dancing on her birthday. Carrie's all, "It's your birthday?", then promptly struts to the front of the line to try to sweet talk the bouncer into letting them slip in so that her gal pal can enjoy a birthday jig. The bouncer stonily replies that they're at full capacity...and when Seema tries to slip him some cash, he admonishes her "offensive" behavior. The two scuttle off, looking visibly embarrassed.
Carrie takes Seema to a café, where the two share a piece of cake and lament Seema's still single status at the age of fifty-four. Seema then rationalizes that her fifty-third year wasn't a total waste 'cause she met an amazing new gal pal, and the two toast their budding friendship. Seema then asks Carrie if she's free to go to a matinee on Saturday - but Carrie has to decline and explains that she promised Miranda she'd help paint a new women's shelter in Brooklyn. Seema kind of perks up at that and says she'd be happy to give her a lift to Brooklyn and tag along for the day.
Charlotte is preparing Shabbat dinner when Lily enters the kitchen and says she's finally ready to learn about tampon insertion. Charlotte [somehow refrains from telling her to read through the little instruction booklet that comes with all boxes of tampons and at least attempt to figure this out herself, given that she's sixteen and not six and] agrees to meet her in the bathroom. When Anthony arrives with his new friend, Justin, Charlotte tells Harry she has a minor bathroom emergency to deal with and to please get their guests a drink and remember to take the challah out of the oven in ten minutes. Justin looks bemused at the mention of challah and asks if this is a Jewish dinner...and when Harry nods, Justin smirks and says, "You know the Holocaust is a hoax, right?" to which Anthony shrieks, "Get ouuuuuuuut!!!!"
Carrie stares at hers and Big's wedding rings, then decides to wear them both - even though Big's ring is far too big for her finger and is at great risk of slipping off at the most inopportune moment (spoiler).
Charlotte is doing her best to describe to a mystifyingly-mystified-about-tampons Lily exactly how one inserts a tampon, but Lily just stares back at her in confusion...and it remains unclear why this tech savvy sixteen year old hasn't thought to watch any one of the zillions of available online videos that gently describe the process for first time tampon users. Also unclear is why the writers opted to go down this dumb menstrual rabbit hole in the first place.
Carrie is waiting on a street corner for Peter to arrive for their date...and when he sees the sad look etched across her face, he correctly assumes that she's not up to it. Carrie confirms she isn't, says she didn't want to rudely cancel by texting him, then explains that since she can't bring herself to stop wearing hers and Big's wedding rings, she's probably not ready to start dating. Peter says he understands and tells her he still has his wife's last voicemail on his phone and plays it from time to time so that he can hear her voice again. The two then share a friendly hug, and Peter jests that this dinner cancellation was the "best rejection ever".
Back at Casa Tampon, Charlotte offers to demonstrate tampon insertion to Lily by doing it on herself, but Lily's like, "Ew" and finally manages to accomplish the feat on her own. Hooray!
During Shabbat dinner, everyone picks at the burnt challah that Harry forgot to take out of the oven in time, and Anthony glumly apologizes for bringing an anti-Semite to their home.
Miranda shows up unannounced at Che's apartment with a bag of cookies and saucily says she was craving a little Che, so she bought them some tasty treats and hopped on a train. Che gives her a WTF are you doing here? look and calls the sudden interruption awkward...and when a horrified looking Miranda asks if someone else is in the apartment, Che says they're alone - but extremely busy with a writing project and wishes she'd called or texted before just showing up unannounced. Miranda flushes with embarrassment, admits that she never would have shown up on a male suitor's doorstep like this, and explains that she was just trying to be spontaneous. Che assures Miranda that they're not sleeping with anyone but her (for the moment, at least) and invites her in - but Miranda declines and says that, in keeping with their non-traditional relationship, she's outa here, and sassily adds she's going to eat the entire bag of cookies on the ride home. So there.
The next day, Carrie and Seema arrive at the women's shelter to help paint. Miranda greets them and hands Carrie a paint roller, while Seema's like, "On second thought, nope" - LOL - and wanders off to find a place to smoke and fiddle with her phone. Steve and Brady arrive, while Nya emerges from the shelter and gets introduced to Carrie for the first time. A few seconds later, a giant while limo arrives, and Charlotte, Lisa, and their families spill out. Lisa gets introduced to Nya and tells her she brought along a camera to take photos that the shelter can use for their website or future fundraising efforts, then asks if there's anything else she can do. Nya's like, "As a matter of fact, my lunch arrangements for these hundred or so workers fell through and I have no idea what to do 'bout that", and Lisa just shrugs and says it'd be no problem for her to arrange for the arrival of some tasty grub, and immediately gets on the phone.
As Herbert teaches his kids how to paint, Andre looks over at him longingly and remarks to Nya about what an awesome father he is, and that it's "the stuff of life". Nya's all 'meh' and cynically points out how much easier parenting is when a couple is as well off as Herbert and Lisa are, and Andre chides her for bringing down the vibe and irritably ambles off. Nya wearily looks over at Miranda, who was within earshot of that conversation, and complains about how Andre is suddenly so into kids after years of never noticing them.
Seema is sitting at an outdoor table, smoking and looking at her phone when a sexy middle-aged guy in a convertible pulls up, looks around confusedly, and asks Seema whassup with all the tables, trucks, and crap on his street. He adds that he's directing his question towards her 'cause by the way she's smoking and doing fuck-all while everyone around her seems super busy, she looks like a boss. Seema sassily retorts, "You got that right", so then Sexy further explains that he referred to Bayshore Drive as his street 'cause the trucks and crap are parked right in front of his nightclub (succinctly named Z). Seema perks up at that and asks him if his club is any good...and as he tells her it's the hottest club in Brooklyn, the two stare smittenly at each other. Mmm hmm..
While painting, Steve asks Carrie how long she's known about the unholy coupling of Miranda and Che and if she was the one who introduced them [answer: yes]. Carrie mumbles something unintelligible in response, then assures him she had nothing to do with their actual hooking up. Steve asks her how long the affair has been going on, and before a visibly uncomfortable Carrie can awkwardly mumble another non-answer, she accidentally steps into a bucket of paint and rushes to the nearest bathroom to wash the paint off of her stiletto...because of course Carrie would wear expensive heels for a day of painting in a newly renovated women's shelter. As she's doing that, Big's wedding rings slips off of her finger and goes down the drain, and she's all, "Nooooo!!" and yells for Steve to come help her. She explains what just happened, and he assures her that the ring is probably caught in the p-trap, then rushes off to get a tool to unscrew the thing.
An anxious Lily tells Charlotte that she's pretty sure her tampon string has vanished, and Charlotte assures her that that's impossible, then brings her over to a portable toilet so she can fish around for it in private. As that's happening, a couple of lunch truck vendors, courtesy of Lisa, arrive to feed the volunteers.
Steve takes the p-trap apart, finds Big's wedding ring, and hands it to Carrie. She clutches it to her chest and thanks Steve for his help.
As Lily continues to frantically search for her missing tampon string, Charlotte takes a break from hovering next to the portable toilet to get her daughter some water. She runs into Carrie, Nya, and Miranda as they're getting lunch, needlessly explains Lily's current predicament, then rushes back to deal with The Case of the Missing Tampon String. OMFG.
Andre and Nya have another boring argument about wanting/not wanting children, blah blah. Nya thinks the two of them are enough without kids, while Andre expresses a deep desire to be a father and isn't taking kindly to her trying to talk him out of wanting kids.
Lily finally manages to locate her tampon string, but is now too afraid to pull the tampon out and asks Charlotte for help with that. Charlotte says she draws the line with her helicopter parenting at tampon removal and tells Lily to just &^%$ do it herself. As she stomps off, Lily pokes her head out and notices a menstrual blood stain on the back of Charlotte's white jump-suit and tries to alert her - but Charlotte ignores her and continues stomping off all the way to the lunch truck, where Miranda and Carrie notice the blood stain, motion her over to inform her that she just had a flash period, then cover her bloody backside by tying a dark sweater around her waist.
Carrie admits to Steve that she panicked when she thought she lost Big's wedding ring, and Steve tells her he's never taking his wedding ring off 'cause he vowed 'til death do us part', the poor sap. Carrie scrunches her face in sympathy and asks if he doesn't want to find someone who maybe won't always treat him like a bag o' shit, but he just shakes his head and insists that his wedding ring is never coming off.
Back at the apartment, Carrie takes off hers and Big's wedding rings and returns them to the safety of their jewelry box...then texts Peter to ask him if he's up to trying for date #3.
Seema and Carrie strut to the front of the line at Z, aka Brooklyn's hottest club, and are let in by the sexy new friend Seema met while wisely avoiding helping paint the women's shelter.
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Recap: Che is performing on an outdoor stage to a crowd of woke New Yorkers, yammering about the importance of living one's truth and not hiding from one's true self, yada yada.. Miranda is in the crowd, cheering and nodding approvingly - until she glances around and happens to notice that Brady and Luisa are also at the rally, applauding Che's performance from several feet away. She's all, "Ack!" and quietly tiptoes off - just as Che is bellowing, "Hiding is soooo five years ago!" while noticing that Miranda is slinking off. They respond by shrieking, "Hiding takes away the bright light that you are! Fuck that shade and shine!" ... and their loyal followers enthusiastically clap while music starts up as they (they meaning Che) stare curiously at Miranda as she skitters off.
In the next scene, Miranda returns with two coffees...and when Che asks whassup with the skulking away, Miranda explains that she spotted her son in the crowd and didn't want him to see her interacting with her new lover 'cause he currently has no idea his mother is suddenly into women and/or is cheating on his father. Che stares back at her in stunned bewilderment and says they somehow just leapt to the conclusion that Miranda's husband and teenage son were fully aware that the marriage was an open one, and Miranda refrains from remarking on what a crazy nutty assumption that is and points out that she never said she was in an open marriage. Che nonsensically rejoins, "You never said you weren't" and calls her out on behaving as though she were in an open marriage, even though the likeliest explanation is that this shithead has been sneaking around behind her husband's back, moron. Miranda sheepishly says she didn't want to spoil their orgasmic fun by mentioning that Steve has no idea any of it has been going on, and Che chides Miranda for putting herself out there in the first place and angrily declares that they're not a home wrecker. A crushed looking Miranda retorts that her home is already wrecked - but Che makes it clear that they're no longer willing to continue on with their finger banging and whatnot until she sorts out her marital situation.
Carrie is in the process of cataloguing and packing up her fugly wardrobe to put into storage (hopefully never to be seen again) when Seema drops by. She stares at the racks of '80s and '90s skankwear and coos, "OMG, it's like a Barney's warehouse sale!" As the two eat sushi and gabble, Carrie suddenly says she absolutely neeeeeeds to show her her "pride and joy", then rushes over to her closet and drags over the insanely voluminous feathery green gown she wore during Part 1 of the Sex and the City finale...at which Seema cries, "No! No! Noooooo!", then mutely stares in bewilderment at the monstrosity before asking, "What the fuck am I looking at?" [LOL. Watching the great Sarita Choudhury is truly the only good thing about this wretched reboot.] Carrie tells her it's a Versace concoction she's only ever worn twice: once in Paris while she was wistfully waiting for Misha to take her out on the town (but then didn't 'cause he was a neglectful bum of a boyfriend), and once while she sat by her living room window eating Jiffy Pop. Seema pulls out a cigarette - but Carrie stops her from lighting up and says she can't permit her to smoke near the clothes 'cause she no longer wants them tainted by the stench of cigarettes. She further explains that whenever she feels like lighting up, she does so while outside and donning a shapeless coat, a kerchief atop her head, and rubber gloves on her hands. That said, she offers to keep Seema company while she smokes on her building's front stoop - but then pokes her head out the window and notices that her hip, young downstairs neighbor and some guy are currently occupying the stoop. As the two stare down at the youngsters, Carrie wonders aloud how such a young woman can afford the ginormous apartment on the first floor...and says this as though her ability to afford an Upper East Side apartment while working as a raunch columnist throughout six seasons of Sex and the City wasn't equally as implausible.
At 2:30am, when the stoop crowd has grown larger and noisier, Carrie calls Jackie to ask him if there's any cool way to tell a bunch of young-uns to keep the noise level down...and Jackie says there's really no way to accomplish this if she doesn't want to be nicknamed The Wicked Witch of the East Side. [Given the general lack of shyness among New Yorkers, I find it impossible to believe that no one within hearing range of the ruckus hasn't already yelled at the inconsiderate shits to shut the fuck up, given that it's the middle of the night.] Hours later, Carrie finally gets fed up enough to poke her head out of the window and yell, "Come on!" ... and the young-uns sheepishly retort, "Sorry, ma'am."
Charlotte is in the bathroom with Harry, chiding him for not wearing the new fitness ring she bought for him so that he doesn't keel over from an unexpected heart attack like Big suffered. After hemming and hawing for a few seconds, Harry agrees to allow Charlotte to slip the fitness ring onto his finger...then saucily asks her, as long she's on her knees in front of his crotch, if she wouldn't mind greasing his weasel. Charlotte chuckles and says she'd be more than happy to oblige - just as Lily unexpectedly appears in the doorway of the bathroom. Charlotte panics and slams the door in her face, then rushes out and fibs to her daughter that she was just examining her daddy's pecker for cancer.
Carrie's young neighbor, Lisette, drops by Carrie's apartment to apologize on behalf of herself and her noisy friends for disturbing the peace last night, and Carrie breezily says it's no problem, and that she purely needed the peace and quiet 'cause she's a raunch writer who does her best work at night. After Lisette scampers off, Carrie catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and looks mortified when she realizes she had a mud mask on her face during the entire neighbor-to-neighbor interaction.
While out for lunch with Carrie and Charlotte, Miranda breaks the news that she's dumping Steve tonight 'cause she's finally been shamed into the realization that it's not fair to him that she's been clandestinely hitting the sheets with Che. Charlotte tightly replies, "I guess you know what you're doing" ... and when Miranda asks her if she was being judgey just now, Charlotte insists that she wasn't "throwing shade" (an expression she picked up from her daughters) and that she figures 'it's your life; what the hell do I care what you do?' Charlotte then changes the subject to Lily almost walking in on her as she was about to blow Harry...and adds that she panicked, slammed the door in Lily's face, and told her she was examining her father's penis for any visible signs of cancer. Carrie and Miranda stare back at her incredulously and are all, "You still blow Harry?!" and Charlotte nods happily and says that, yep, she does...and that she doesn't want her kids to be all uptight about sex the way she was while growing up - but also doesn't want to traumatize them by the sight of their mother knob-gobbling. Carrie urges her to talk to Lily in an age appropriate way about how mommies sometimes like to fellate daddies, and Charlotte says she definitely likes the sound of a mother-daughter lunch to give Lily a general blow-by-blow about blow jobs.
While strolling the city, Carrie tells Miranda she wants to buy her hip, young neighbor some brownies as a way of apologizing for her uncoolness in yelling 'come on!' out the window the other night...and the two wander into Fat Witch to browse the selection of yummy looking sweets. Miranda says she's debating whether or not to mention Che to Steve while she torches their marriage, and Carrie gently asks how sure she is that Che likes her as much as she likes them...and Miranda chews on that yet unanswered question as she stares contemplatively into space.
Carrie stops by Lisette's place to deliver the box of brownies she just bought at Fat Witch and is greeted by her vacuous but buff, towel clad boyfriend. Carrie explains to the mimbo that she's the upstairs neighbor and stopped by with a little treat for Lisette, and Mimbo responds by rudely declining the brownies 'cause neither he nor Lisette eats sugar. He then "accidentally" drops the towel and exposes his naughties, prompting Carrie to flee up the staircase while he mutters, "Sorry about that, ma'am."
Miranda waits on a Midtown street for Che to emerge from Podcast Headquarters...and Che looks less than thrilled to see her and grunts that they're about to jet off to Cleveland to perform a non-binary-centric schtick for any interested Midwesterners. Miranda says she has but one question: is she crazy and making up the giant feelings she's developed for them ever since the first finger banging? Che assures Miranda that they too are in love with her and want them to be together, but can't promise anything within the realm of traditional. Miranda cries, "Great!", assures Che she's A-OK with not having a traditional whatever-the-fuck kind of hook-up is in store, and giddily promises to dump Steve pronto so that they can officially couple up.
Charlotte takes Lily to a fancy restaurant to discuss her blowing of Harry - but that conversation gets derailed when Lily's phone lights up with a notification of a like to her Instagram selfie in skimpy workout clothes. As an appalled Charlotte snoops through her daughter's phone, she asks her if this is a secret Instagram account...and Lily gets angry about the inquisition and storms out of the restaurant.
Charlotte calls Carrie to ask if, per chance, Lily is at her apartment, and Carrie says she is, and that she's helping catalogue her wardrobe - just as Lily tells Carrie she really really wants to sleep over at her place tonight so she can continue avoiding her mother. Carrie relocates to the bathroom for privacy and tells Charlotte she doesn't think Lily's Instagram workout wear photo is all that bad (especially when comparing the outfit to all the skankwear the poor kid is currently cataloguing) and points out that she's a teenager who's just trying to figure herself out. Charlotte wails about the loss of her daughter's innocence, then says it's probably a good thing for all concerned that she sleep over at Carrie's tonight.
Hours later, Carrie wakes up to the sound of blaring music coming from Lisette's apartment. So much for her promise of no further ruckus. Carrie tiptoes downstairs, finds Lisette's door ajar, and wanders into the apartment where Lisette is passed out on the couch. Carrie lowers the volume of the music, then happens to notice an unopened package sitting on the cabinet that's addressed to Lisette Alee.
The next day, Carrie is wandering the streets in her outdoor smoking attire - kerchief atop head, rubber gloves, shapeless coat - while talking on the phone to Seema. She reports that she just learned her neighbor is a hip, successful jewelry designer from California...and based on what she recently read about her in Vulture, recently moved to New York for its energy and inspiration. She tells Seema she'd like to be a hip, older friend of Lisette's as opposed to being regarded as the crazy old lady who lives upstairs - just as she returns to her building in her unsightly garb and runs into Lisette on her way out. Womp womp!
Charlotte enters Lily's bedroom to 1) express surprise about her expressing herself by taking selfies in skimpy workout wear, and 2) resume the 'I sometimes blow your father' talk that got cut short at the restaurant. She asks Lily if she has any follow-up questions about delicate topic #2, and Lily responds by asking her if she found any cancer while examining her dad's schlong and Charlotte [looks pleasantly surprised that Lily is pretending to have bought that nonsense and] assures her she didn't.
Miranda enters the living room, where Steve is watching sports, and asks him to put in both hearing aids so she doesn't have to be screaming "I'm leaving you!" into his good ear. She seats herself next to him and says she still loves him, and he looks suitably alarmed by that and jokingly asks if she's about to ask him for a divorce. Miranda's like, "Uh, d'yuh" and tells him she can't continue in this dull-as-fuck marriage a minute longer 'cause she wants "more everything": connection, energy, sex. She asks him if he's happy, then motions around the living room and snidely asks if this is enough for him, and he's like, "Yeah, kinda" and defeatedly asks her if she's really, truly, for sure leaving him. Miranda makes it clear that, yes, this is really happening...and Steve deflates further as he recalls the various times she's made him feel as though he was never enough, and that he's reacted to her generally shabby treatment of him by rallying to get them through those dark places - until they've finally come to a point where their relationship isn't such an obnoxious rollercoaster. He tells her he likes that they each go off and do their stuff during the day, then reconvene at night and chat about Brady, eat dessert, and watch TV together. He describes this dull-but-comfortable pattern as typical married life - but Miranda shakes her head and says she no longer wants to stay imprisoned in that rut and assures him she really, truly, for sure doesn't want him to rally for them to stay married anymore. Steve mulls that over, says he just wants her to be happy, then asks her what she thinks is out there that's so much better than him. Miranda decides 'why not shatter his heart all the way?' and tells him she's met someone, and he stares back at her with an anguished expression on his face.
Miranda calls Carrie to report that she just dropped the bomb on Steve about wanting a divorce pronto, told him about her hookup with Che, then jumped into a cab to fly to Cleveland to surprise Che to let them know they can be together. She fuckwittedly squeals, "OMG, I'm in a rom-com, Carrie!" *&!%$ I guess one woman's rom-com is another woman's horror show.
Carrie is heading down the stairs of her building when she witnesses a nasty fight between Lisette and her mimbo, who she accuses of sleeping with every woman she knows in New York. After he dismissively accuses her of acting like "a fucking out-of-towner" and storms out, a tearful Lisette spots Carrie lurking on the staircase and moans about how mortified she is that she had to see that, then calls herself an asshole for dating such a philandering bonehead. Carrie breezily assures her it's fine, then shrugs and says it's all part of dating in the Big Apple. Lisette manages a smile, thanks her for the kind words, and calls her cool.
That evening, Carrie puts on the insanely voluminous feathery green gown she wore that one time in Paris, then sits by her living room window and eats Jiffy Pop while voice-overing that she's decided to never ever put this ridiculously gargantuan frock into storage, however little space it might leave for other, more practically sized outfits.
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Recap: Carrie is sitting in front of her window, looking sad as she taps away on her laptop...and continues to look sad as she taps away on her laptop while the seasons change around her.
Carrie meets with her editor, Amanda, who wankishly tells her she actually shed tears while reading her manuscript and would like to fast track the book so that it's on the shelves in time for the holiday season. Amanda marvels at the book's raw, brutal honesty in the aftermath of Big's demise...and says it's sooooo tragic that Carrie's quest for love during six seasons of Sex and the City ended with the love of her life senselessly keeling over after a Peloton workout. Carrie just kind of shrugs and says, "That's what happened", so Amanda gently reminds her that her readers mostly identify her as a vacuous raunch columnist and likely would rather not get depressed while reading her new 'I'm sad that Big is dead' book. She suggests interjecting a tiny glimmer of hope about a possible new love interest on the horizon, in the form of an upbeat epilogue, and Carrie stares into space as she quietly mulls over the prospect of re-entering the dating pool.
Charlotte and Lisa warm up to play a doubles tennis match against a couple of old ladies. Lisa pumps up Charlotte by bragging, "We can beat these bitches" ... and then we get a lot of superfluous footage of the ensuing match with Eye of the Tiger playing in the background.
Miranda is at an outdoor farmer's market, barking directions at Steve over the phone about where exactly she's standing, and finally gets so exasperated with the dolt that she snarls, "Just find me, OK?!" A few seconds later, she runs into Nya and Andre and wistfully notes how utterly adorbs Andre is...and after Andre ambles off to buy some cheese, Nya tells Miranda that her umpteenth attempt at getting pregnant has failed, as was evidenced by her period appearing today after being late for two weeks. Steve finally wanders over, gets introduced to Nya, and then yammers like a senile old man about how he left his wallet at the pickle guy's booth...and when he flails off to retrieve it, Miranda stares back at Nya and looks visibly embarrassed at being married to such a buffoon.
Carrie meets up with with Amanda to wring her hands about how depressing her latest book is, and to suggest that maybe it shouldn't be published 'cause her readers needn't be burdened by her never ending well of sadness. Amanda disagrees and informs her that Oprah's book club people have expressed an interest in acquiring and discussing her latest drivel...which, even though I'm not an Oprah book club member, I can't help but find utterly implausible.
While dining out with Miranda, Charlotte, and Seema, Carrie announces that her editor has instructed her to re-enter the dating pool so that she can tack a hopeful epilogue onto her depressing 'I'm sad that Big is dead' book. Charlotte excitedly coos to Carrie about all the cute dads she knows who wouldn't consider it slumming to go out with her socially, but Carrie nixes that idea and says she'd prefer to go the dating app route and be more anonymous. Seema informs her that she's already listed her on three different dating apps and that she's unwittingly attracted a significant amount of buzz, then pulls out her phone and swipes the photos of the various men who've expressed an interest in potential romance with horsey-faced widows.
While strolling the city at night, Carrie tells Miranda that the idea of having sex with anyone other than Big makes her sick to her stomach, and that she isn't entirely jazzed about having to get back on the rollercoaster that was her dating life during much of Sex and the City. Miranda says that she, on the other hand, would looooove to get back onto that rollercoaster 'cause of how dull as fuck her marriage with Steve has gotten, then wrings her hands about how Che hasn't responded to her latest DM about the two of them chillin' together. She asks Carrie if Che ever mentions her over at Podcast Headquarters, and Carrie says no, and gently reminds her that Che is kinda on the promiscuous side. Miranda scrunches her face glumly and laments having had the greatest digit sex of her life, the likes of which she'll probably never experience again, and Carrie says she knows how she feels - but that she wins [the reboot's ongoing competition as to who's allowed to be the most miserable] 'cause Big is dead.
Harry tells Charlotte that he ran into Herbert Wexley and had a chat about their wives playing doubles tennis together...then not-so-subtly hints that he'd loooove to be invited to play a game of mixed doubles with her, Lisa and Herbert. Yawn.
Nya is driving with Andre in the passenger seat when CarPlay announces to Nya that her phone has an incoming text message from Miranda, and proceeds to read Miranda's sympathy note to Nya about how she hopes that the conversation with Andre about her not being pregnant went OK. Nya frantically tries to turn it off and gets so flustered that she has to slam on her brakes at an intersection where two men are taking a toddler for a stroll. One of the men marches over and yells at Nya for not watching where she's going and screeches, "I have a toddler!" ... and after he storms off, Andre and Nya chuckle at the man's funny looking meltdown before Nya apologizes for confiding in Miranda about her barren status before telling her own husband.
Carrie swipes through various men on a dating app before deciding on a pleasant looking bearded chap named Peter.
While playing doubles tennis, Charlotte gets aggressively competitive and crashes into Harry, sending him tumbling onto the floor in her quest to beat Lisa and Herbert.
Later, Charlotte remarks to Harry that she thinks that the two of them were well matched against Lisa and Herbert, and a sulky looking Harry's all, "How about an apology for knocking me over during the game?" Charlotte adamantly refuses to apologize for any roughhousing that happened during the match, then chides him for being an insufferable mansplainer at times. When Harry can't let it go and digs in about wanting an apology, which seems ridiculously out of character for this easygoing man, the two argue on the street about the contrived conflict for what seems like a really loooong time. Charlotte bellows, "You're driving me fucking crazy!" - just as she realizes that Lisa and Herbert are within hearing range and are looking over at them in bewilderment. Charlotte immediately shuts her trap, tells Harry they're now going to be known as that couple that bickers in public, and hustles him outa there.
While cleaning up the dishes after dinner, Miranda attempts to breathe life into her comatose marital sex life by telling Steve she's suddenly in the mood for some finger penetration. Steve perks up at that, warns that he's a little rusty after their years' long dry spell, and washes his hands. He then slips his hand inside her pants and gets busy trying to hone in on his wife's G-spot - but Miranda can't get into it and just stares despondently into space, declines his suggestion to lube herself up, and suggests they forget all about it and eat dessert.
While out for dinner, Peter tells Carrie that this is the first time he's been on a date since his wife died (of ovarian cancer), and an anguished looking Carrie says they're definitely going to need some drinks. In the next scene, the two drunkenly stagger out of the restaurant before simultaneously puking onto the street.
The next evening, the fundraising benefit at school, hosted by Lisa and Herbert, gets underway. Carrie tells Charlotte, Miranda, and Anthony that her date with Peter was a disaster...and Anthony says that on his worst date (in the seventh grade) he shit himself after eating ice cream with a girl. Carrie argues that she still wins the Worst Date Ever competition 'cause her disastrous date occurred in the wake of her husband's death. When Harry wanders over to talk to Charlotte about how to bid on stuff, Charlotte apologetically excuses herself from the group, prompting Harry to ask how she can so easily apologize to her friends but not to him...and Charlotte begs him to, OMFG please let go of this unfunny, nonsensical grudge already. No wait - that was me.
Carrie laments to Miranda that she's going to have to come clean to Amanda about not being able to find a glimmer of hope in her quest for a post-Big relationship. Miranda tells her that she just tried to revive hers and Steve's sex life with some impromptu finger banging, but has concluded that she's officially throwing in the towel on their marital relations.
Che takes the stage at the benefit to perform their comedy schtick...and Miranda becomes so mesmerized by the sight of her digit lover that she abandons Carrie to purposefully march over to the stage.
Carrie's all, "Ack!" when she spots Peter arriving at the benefit and asks Anthony to follow him around and let her know when he's left the building.
Che spots Miranda staring over while mingling with a gaggle of fans (?), then ambles over to say hey. Miranda explains that she just ordered an Uber and chides Che for not DMing her back...and Che's all, "I get so many DMs, I must have missed yours." They tell Miranda she should have sent another DM to ask for a second finger banging if that's what she wanted, then says they'd loooooove to take her someplace private, strip off all her clothes, and go at it...and a dreamy-faced Miranda lights up and goes, "Really?"
Herbert tells Lisa he's outa here 'cause he has to get up early for a business trip, and Lisa's all, "Wha-a-a-a??" and barks at him to not dare leave her alone to finish hosting the benefit by herself. The two start arguing back and forth - just as Charlotte and Harry wander into the area looking for a bathroom. Lisa, like Charlotte after the tennis match, laments to Herbert that they're now that couple that bickers in public. This really seems like a subplot that maybe should have been left on the cutting room floor.
Herbert placates his wife by staying at the benefit to finish his hosting duties, and gets to the human auction part of the benefit, specifically "a date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw". Carrie's all, "The fuck?" and irritably reminds Charlotte that she had agreed to a lunch, and that referring to her as a sex writer makes it sound as if she writes porn (as opposed to insipid raunch). Herbert proceeds to invite Carrie onto the stage to open up the bids at $500...and when no one seems remotely interested in shelling out that kind of money to have lunch with a sex columnist has-been, Charlotte bids $700, then bids against herself by raising the amount to $800. LOL. Carrie bids $1,000 to end the torture of waiting for more bids - but then Peter saves the day by bidding $1,050 so that the two of them can have a date do-over.
In the next scene, Carrie thanks Peter for his bid and offers to cover the cost without him having to actually go out with her again - but Peter tells her he's somehow genuinely interested in giving date #2 a shot.
Che is laying atop Miranda in her bed, and Miranda is gushing about how her nether regions have never felt anything so intense in her life. The two then profess their love for one another, gigglingly agree that Che is super awesome in bed, and start smooching.
Carrie gets a text message from Peter telling her he's looking forward to their second date. She then seats herself in front of her computer to get busy writing an upbeat epilogue for her book as she voiceovers, "And just like that...I found a glimmer of hope."
Recap: Seema is showing Carrie (along with Anthony) a spacious, extremely bright downtown apartment with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the Hudson River. Carrie tells Anthony she's not sure about the prospect of living so far downtown, but he points out that this light and airy apartment could be "the new you" and assures her that she definitely won't miss the dark kitchen in her old SATC pad. Seema, meanwhile, is on the terrace talking on the phone to her father about the family's upcoming Diwali celebration...and she promises to indulge her mother and buy herself a new sari for the occasion.
Over lunch, Carrie tells Miranda and Charlotte she's not sure she can live so close to the water, complains that she doesn't absolutely loooove the downtown apartment, but purchased it regardless 'cause she's been dragging Seema all over the city and has concluded that the problem isn't so much the apartments she's seen than it is her chronic indecision. Miranda asks Carrie why she doesn't just continue living in her SATC apartment if she's happy there, and Carrie questions if, by staying in the same place she lived for six seasons of Sex and the City, she's living or retreating...and also doesn't want to be one of those annoying New Yorkers who boast about having lived in the same place for the last fifty years. She declares that since Big is now gone, she needs to start a new chapter of her life and move on, and Charlotte applauds that sentiment and points out that if she ends up really hating her new apartment, she can always sell it.
Later, Carrie is in her SATC pad, reading a book when she suddenly cries, "This isn't healthy!"
Rock and Lily tell Charlotte they no longer want her frilly doll collection in their bedroom, and complain that the dolls' outfits are culturally inappropriate. Rock adds that they also want to get rid of the fancy Rose mural that's painted above their bed and get a much shorter haircut, and a flustered Charlotte says they're going to have to put a pin in this discussion 'cause they're running late for school.
Miranda is in class, day dreaming about Che's finger banging, when Nya pulls her out of her reverie and invites her to grab a cup of coffee. The two stroll in a nearby park as Nya recruits her to volunteer her time for an upcoming renovation project of a women's shelter...and is showing her some photos of the project on her phone when her husband Andre calls to give her a heads up that he arranged for them to have dinner with another couple they sometimes hang out with. After the call, Nya rolls her eyes and tells Miranda that the wife of this other couple, Fertile Myrtle, always manages to find a way to interject the topic of babies into the conversation - a habit which she finds deeply annoying. Miranda points out that since she's not exactly the shy type, she should do more to control the conversation. She then asks what Fertile Myrtle's real name is, and Nya wryly tells her it's Myrtle, as in 'she was conceived in Myrtle Beach'. Har har!
Seema takes Carrie to an upscale sari shop to buy herself a new Diwali outfit...and when Carrie asks exactly what Diwali is, Seema says it's mostly an opportunity to get together with her parents so they can inquire as to why she's not yet married. She glumly adds that she'll dutifully buy herself a stunning sari and attend yet another family Diwali alone. When Carrie suggests she tag along as her plus one, Seema happily replies, "Let's get you a sari!" and assures her that a non-Indian woman such as herself wearing a sari to her family's event is less cultural appropriation than it is cultural appreciation. A relieved Carrie squeals happily and says she did just happen to spot a sari she looooooves.
Carrie brings Charlotte along to her storage unit to pick up a few necessities for her move to her sunny new downtown digs. As the two roam amid the many boxes, Charlotte suggests she only take things that "spark joy". To that end, Carrie OK's a plastic yellow lamp and a large sun hat...then mutters, "Oh shit" when she unwittingly opens a box containing Big's record collection. She immediately becomes engulfed by sadness and tells Charlotte she's not ready for this, then picks up a frying pan and says she thinks she has enough stuff to start her new life in Sunnydale.
Carrie is in her new apartment, making herself something to eat in the kitchen, when she hears an electronic beeping noise. Mystified, she looks around and checks the various appliances, but the beeping continues. A few seconds later, Anthony calls to ask her to please accompany him to a his and his face-lift consultation that he and Stanford had had planned, and explains that he needs a friend to keep him from agreeing to do anything beyond getting his face back to "hot, slightly older guy".
Nya and her husband Andre are out to dinner with Myrtle and her husband...and Nya works overtime cutting off Myrtle every time she opens her mouth. She's forced to throw in the towel when Myrtle declines a Mohito and happily announces that she's pregnant with her third child. She clucks sympathetically at Nya and Andre and condescendingly asks them how their barren existence is going, and they tell her that, "We just doing our thing" ... but then Nya remarks on about how expensive IVF treatments are and that they're very hard on her body. Myrtle's husband stares blankly at them and cluelessly rejoins, "A couple like you...you gotta have babies."
Miranda is laying in her bed, pleasuring herself, when Brady knocks on her bedroom door. Near orgasm, she sings, "I'll be right ouuuuuut!" - and a perplexed Brady says he just wanted to let her know he's going out to meet up with Luisa. Nya and Andre, meanwhile, are enjoying vigorous sex...and after climaxing, the two enjoy some post coitus canoodling and chuckle about the way Nya kept cutting Myrtle off 'cause of how fed up she is about talking about babies.
Carrie is laying in her bed with her sunglasses on 'cause of how insanely bright and sunny her new apartment is. I wonder if it's occurred to her that she can have window blinds installed. As the electronic beeping noise continues, she cries, "This isn't working!"
At the his and his face-lift consultation, Dr. Paul David assumes that Carrie's the one who wants her face re-worked. When she points to Anthony as the consultee du jour, he apologizes about the mix-up, gives Anthony a quick once over, and says that aside from a shot of botox, his handsome face really doesn't require any work. Carrie says that, since she's here she'd like to have her horsey mug professionally assessed after all...and he wanks her about looking a little tired but otherwise beautiful and fake estimates her age at 48 or 49. After that, he takes a 3D image of her face and offers her several after simulations that reflect a wide range of options: botox, laser work, a full face and neck lift. He says that a total face redo could potentially erase the last fifteen years...and Carrie looks intrigued by the prospect and asks, "How much?"
While gathered around a picnic table in the park, Carrie tells Miranda and Charlotte about maybe getting a face lift. Miranda says she's irked at Dr. David for even encouraging her to get plastic surgery and thereby perpetuating the notion that women aren't allowed to age - while Charlotte argues that botox and "a little filler" are not the end of world. When Carrie tells them to shut it, Miranda announces that she's replaced her daily booze guzzling with obsessive masturbation...and when Charlotte asks who she fantasizes about, she comes right out and says Che. Charlotte says she totally gets that, given Che's coolness and charisma (um, seriously?), and admits that she herself had a vague, borderline-sexual fantasy about Che that involved a ferry. Miranda cautions Charlotte to not have a freakout at what she's about to say, then reveals that Che recently finger banged her in Carrie's kitchen while they both thought Carrie was asleep. When a stunned Charlotte's all, "Wha-a-a-a-a??!!" and stares at Carrie accusingly for not dishing about this with her, Miranda says that she and Carrie have already had a fight about it and are fine now. Carrie argues that she's not actually fine about it...and as Miranda scrunches her face confusedly at that declaration, Charlotte derisively asks, "Are you gay now?", and points out that she's spent her life sleeping with men, got married to a man, and is abruptly abandoning her hetero lifestyle to pursue a non-binary affair. Miranda dreamily says that the finger banging was the most alive she's felt in years, and that "everything about them made me feel alive". Charlotte's all, "Them?! There are others??" - LOL - so Carrie explains that by them, Miranda is referencing Che's non-binary pronoun. A bewildered Charlotte blurts out, "You are not progressive enough for this!!" and says that if she's going through a mid-life crisis, the more appropriate course of action would be to color the grey out of her hair. Miranda snarls, "I don't have to take this shit" and gets up and starts storming off, prompting Carrie to rush after her and point out that this reboot can't afford to lose a second member of SATC's original foursome, and that she's allowed to disagree with Charlotte but definitely not leave. Miranda chews on that for a few seconds and returns to the picnic table, where a now contrite Charlotte apologizes for her bitchy outburst and says that she merely wants to better understand this contrived story arc. Miranda wryly says she'll be happy to explain it to her once she fully understands her sudden bi-sexual metamorphosis, and a tortured Charlotte asks why they all can't stay exactly the way they were during the six year run of SATC. Carrie sadly retorts that some of them don't have that luxury.
Carrie is dressed and primped for Diwali, and has a small sea of fluffy red carnations woven into her old lady braid hairdo. She flounces down the front steps of her building and climbs into the back of Seema's car.
Seema's parents look delighted that their daughter has brought a friend to Dawali and ask Carrie whassup with Dennis, aka Seema's fictional boyfriend who's conveniently never around 'cause he fake works for Doctors Without Borders. They worriedly ask if Seema is embarrassed to introduce him to her family or vice versa, and Carrie assures them that that couldn't be further from the truth, and that while Dennis is handsome and awesome, it's hard to find a man who's anywhere near good enough for their spectacular daughter. Seema ambles over to ask what they're talking about, so Carrie tells her she's let her parents know that the jig is up about how much better she can do than her made up boyfriend, Dennis.
Later, in the back of the car, Seema explains to Carrie that it's easier for all concerned for her to tell her parents she has a boyfriend than to constantly have to explain why she's single. She says she's mostly happy with her life - but other times feels like it's wishful thinking 'cause of how much happier she'd be if she had a life partner. Carrie swiftly changes the topic to her sunny new apartment and says she haaaates it, and Seema says they'll sell it 'cause it's important for her to love where she lives. She then gives Carrie a bracelet that, in accordance with Hindu custom, is a reminder of one's strength.
Later, Carrie stares at her tired looking mug in the mirror and puts on her Carrie necklace, narrating "And just like that...I remembered how much I loved the last fifteen years." She then puts on a record from Big's collection...and while Johnny Nash's I Can See Clearly Now plays, Carrie unpacks a box of Big's suits, stares at them wistfully for several seconds, and selects a black blazer. While that's happening, Charlotte is packing up her cherished doll collection from her daughters' bedroom, noticing that Rock has taped a poster over the painted Rose mural. As she smiles approvingly, Miranda texts Che and says she's totes up for another finger banging sometime soon...while Carrie goes out for the evening wearing a fancy red dress with Big's black blazer draped across her shoulders.
Recap: Seema accompanies Carrie to her old SATC apartment and is all 'the hell?' as she watches Carrie use her umbrella as a cane to aid with her hobbling up the staircase. Carrie explains that, according to the Internet, she suffers from old lady back [no doubt to match her severe old lady hair braid hairdo] ... and Seema rolls her eyes and asks, "But what does your orthopedist say?", then promptly makes a call to her orthopedist cousin to squeeze in an appointment for Carrie that afternoon.
After taking various x-rays, Dr. Vikash Patel informs Carrie that she has an undiagnosed congenital birth defect on her hip, and that he can correct the problem surgically and get her back on her feet in a few months.
Over lunch with Miranda, Charlotte, and Anthony, Carrie reports that since she has a birth defect on her hip, she's technically not an old lady after all - but Charlotte argues that any kind of hip surgery is, by default, an old lady thing. Anthony quips about Carrie's good fortune in finding an archeologist who's willing to carve her open and properly re-connect her fossils...and as Carrie giggles in response, Miranda exclaims, "This calls for champagne!" Charlotte's all, "Nooo!" and primly says it's much too early to start boozing, then takes out her iPad so she can show everyone the Excel spreadsheet she created to track their rotating shifts in order to collectively nurse Carrie back to health after her hip surgery.
Charlotte is in the kitchen on a Zoom call with the other moms, discussing an upcoming field trip, when one of the moms mentions how funny Rock was in the school play...and Charlotte's all, "Wuh? Who the hell's Rock?" as the other moms are all, "Ack!" and hastily sign off. A few seconds later, Lisa calls Charlotte to explain that Rose has told everyone at school she's now going by Rock...and has no further details about the sudden name change.
Charlotte marches into the living room, where Harry and the girls are playing a video game. She comes right out and asks Rose if she suddenly changed her name to Rock, and Rose/Rock confirms she did, and that the official announcement was issued on one of her recent TikTok videos. She pulls up the video on her phone and hands it to Harry, so that he and Charlotte can watch Rock rap about being "the new kid on the block" and then needlessly spell out the word R-O-C-K. A befuddled Harry's all, "Wha-a-at is happening?" and asks his daughter if she's a rapper now, and Rose/Rock explains that these days she's feeling way more Rock than Rose, and that even the teachers are cool with the new name...and what might soon become a permanent non-binary gender status.
Luisa ambles into the living room while Miranda is opening a pile of newly arrived Amazon packages...and finds socks and Astroglide lubricant in one of them. Luisa sheepishly takes the socks and Astroglide says she meant to intercept that particular package, then gushes to Miranda about how cool she is about receiving her son's girlfriends' vaginal lubricant in the mail - unlike her mother, who would have choked her to death with her rosary [but yet is somehow OK with her daughter sleeping at her boyfriend's house every night]. Miranda opens another Amazon package, which contains a stop drinking now! book titled Quit Like a Woman. When Luisa gets nosy about what book she ordered, a visibly rattled Miranda insists that the book was mistakenly delivered, 'cause she doesn't yet think that addressing her daily drinking habit is something with which she needs to concern herself.
Carrie arrives at the speciality surgical center with Miranda, who complains that Charlotte - who's the likeliest culprit on account of her judgeyness about binge drinking - cheekily sent her the stop drinking now! book without first talking to her about it. Carrie comes right out and asks her if she thinks she needs to "quit like a woman", and Miranda retorts with an emphatic no, then wanders off to go buy herself a cup of coffee.
While sitting by Carrie's bedside following the surgery, Charlotte asks Miranda if she ever wished she weren't a girl, then explains that she's going through some gender identity issues with Rose. A few seconds later, Carrie wakes up and announces that she has to pee, so the two help her out of bed...and as Charlotte helps her shuffle over to the toilet, Miranda answers Carrie's phone when it starts ringing and visibly perks up when the caller is Che, who dropped by with some food for Carrie. She invites Che, who's in the hospital lobby, to come right up to Carrie's room - but Carrie vetos the dinner drop-off and makes it clear that she's not in the mood to see anyone other than the two of them and instructs her to "please make that Che visit not happen".
Miranda heads down to the lobby to head Che off, and the two end up eating the dinner food in the cafeteria. Che natters about how much healthier they are after (years ago) being diagnosed with diverticulitis - which, incidentally, her father assumed was another term for bisexuality - and adds that Cheryl used to hold everything in and was consumed with unhappiness and shame to the point where she was emotionally and literally constipated. Che, on the other hand, lets it all out by living and speaking their whole truth every minute of every day. An entranced looking Miranda chews on that for a few seconds and says she used to feel trapped working at a law firm, then freed herself by quitting 'cause she figured 'life's too short'.
Anthony transports Carrie home via his Hot Fellas bread delivery van, and orders one of his muscular deliverers to carry her up the stairs and deposit her inside her apartment.
Later, Carrie podcasts with Che and Jackie from her apartment while looped on painkillers, and is gabbling in blechy detail about the time Samantha Jones reached into her cooch and pulled out her stuck diaphragm. After signing off, she tells Charlotte she finally feels like she's getting the hang of being a raunch podcaster...and a bewildered looking Charlotte asks her if she fully realizes she identified Samantha by her first and last name as she regaled listeners with her 'I once got my diaphragm stuck in my cooch' story, and advises her to come clean to Samantha before she hears about it from someone else.
Harry and Charlotte are meeting with Rose's teacher and the school principal about their daughter's name change to Rock. Charlotte makes it clear that she's not resistant to her daughter's gender identity issues, but wants to know how seriously she should be taking this. The principal responds by insisting that she's extremely committed to providing a supportive environment for all genders, that they're all on this journey together, and that Rock has been very clear about their new non-binary status. After the meeting, Harry and Charlotte look grim as they walk down the hall towards the exit. Harry says he's not sure he buys his twelve year old's sudden name/gender change...then sadly adds that having other people tell him about his child has, so far, been his most humbling experience as a father.
Miranda is babysitting a napping Carrie when Che drops by Carrie's apartment with a bottle of tequila and a more professional microphone to use while podcasting from home. Miranda invites them in, and the two hang out in the kitchen, giggling while throwing back tequila shots...and soon the giggling devolves into Che once again sensually shotgunning Miranda's face with pot smoke. Carrie, meanwhile, wakes up with an urgent need to pee - just as Che starts finger banging Miranda with one hand while covering her mouth with the other so that Miranda doesn't loudly shriek out her orgasm. Carrie sees the two going at it through a reflection in her full length mirror, then gasps in horror and dramatically turns her face away. She then glances over at the Snapple bottle on her nightstand and decides to use that as a makeshift bedpan - just as Che finishes off Miranda, who breathlessly declares that that climax was the best feeling she's ever had in her life. A flustered Carrie accidentally knocks over the pee-filled Snapple bottle and soaks the bedsheets with her urine as Che tells Miranda she's off to perform their non-binary-centric comedy schtick. They give Miranda a long smooch and invite her to DM if she ever wants to "chill" like that again.
Miranda enters the bathroom...and as she sits on the toilet, a vexed Carrie snaps at her to close the door. Miranda's all, "I didn't know you were awake!", to which Carrie snidely retorts that she was woken up by her friend having sex in her kitchen with her podcast boss...and that she spilled pee all over her bed 'cause there was no one to help her hobble over to the bathroom so she could relieve herself. A flushed Miranda apologizes and sheepishly says she had no idea she was awake, and Carrie angrily asks her whassup with a married woman such as herself doing tequila shots in the middle of the afternoon while getting finger banged by Che. Miranda blurts out, "I'm unhappy!", calls herself trapped, and declares that she haaaaaates her marriage. She then bursts into tears and says wants something more out of life than being married to a half-deaf dullard like Steve, admits that she probably does drink [way way way] too much - but then insists that she could quit like that if she really believed she had a problem - and that she's never felt as orgasmic as she did with Che just now.
Carrie sends Samantha a text to let her know she blabbed to her podcast listeners about the time she pulled out her stuck diaphragm and hopes it's OK, and Samantha texts back "One of my finest hours". Carrie texts back, "I miss you" but gets no further reply.
Miranda is in her kitchen, making herself a cocktail while gigglingly listening to Carrie's podcast, when she gets an email message from Amazon, asking her how she liked her recent purchase of Quit Like a Woman. She stares anxiously into space, decides that maybe she does have a full blown binge drinking issue after all, and hastily dumps all of the booze in her house down the sink.
While sitting in the waiting room of Carrie's new physical therapist, Charlotte tells Carrie about The Rock Situation and that she's worried she might be under-reacting. She wonders if her daughter's name change is similar to when she was twelve and gave into peer pressure by getting a perm, and admits that she really hates having to call Rose Rock. Carrie assures her that her daughter is amaaaaaazing regardless of what happens with their gender identity, then points out that "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet". A few seconds later, Carrie is summoned to begin her physical therapy session with Travis, a ridiculously hot physiotherapist.
Travis asks Carrie what her physical therapy goals are, and she says she just has one: to get back to wearing heels. Travis mulls over that skimpy answer and says he'll get started with a lower body massage. Mmm...sounds heavenly.
After the appointment, Carrie tells the receptionist she'd like to book another session with Travis, but the receptionist informs her that her insurance plan doesn't cover physical therapy with a guy at that level of hotness, and that her appointment with Travis was a clerical error no one caught until afterwards. She then introduces Carrie to Emmett, a far less hot, disheveled physical therapist...and Carrie's like, "Nope" and tells the receptionist that she's willing to pay out of pocket for more Travis.
Three months later, Carrie is flouncing around her apartment wearing a long glittery dress and a pair of stilettos on her feet, looking smugly thrilled to finally be back in heels.
Recap: Carrie wakes up in her old SATC apartment, then gets out of bed and shuffles into the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee. Charlotte, meanwhile, is in a fancy café buying coffees...and is multitasking as she confirms Harry's colonoscopy on Friday. While that's happening, Lisa is in a different fancy café with her kids buying coffees...and when she and Charlotte meet up at the school, they chuckle when they realize they each bought the other a coffee.
Charlotte happily reports to a group of moms that she was able to book a school field trip to the Botanical Gardens and scored a personalized tour with a botany team that was recently profiled in New York Magazine. One of the other moms (Deirdre) suggests, instead of that, she could call her friend who runs an animal shelter on City Island so that the kids could get a tour and then play with the animals. A visibly irked Charlotte says she spent weeks chasing down the deaf, hard-to-reach botanists, so Deirdre back pedals and says that the animal shelter is just a backup idea...then explains that when she didn't receive a field trip update, she was afraid Charlotte had dropped the ball. Lisa interjects and tells Deidre that the update was included in an email chain and insists that Charlotte has never dropped a ball in her life. As Lisa steers Charlotte away from the mom group, she invites her to Herbert's birthday party and tells her to keep it on the down-low 'cause she's not inviting any of the other moms...and Charlotte squeals happily and says she'd like to return the favor by inviting her and Herbert over to meet her circle of friends. Lisa suggests Thursday evening, and Charlotte's like, "Perfect!" and then promptly postpones Harry's colonoscopy.
Miranda is standing in her kitchen, staring despondently into space, when Brady and Luisa bound into the room to get some breakfast. Brady's all, "You reek of weed, dude!" and Miranda irritably explains that she and her gal pals were at a comedy club last night along with a bunch of "alternative types" who were getting high all around them...and that she hasn't been able to bring herself to shower off the sensual pot cloud that Che shotgunned into her face. An amused looking Luisa says, "Miranda, come on. We're all grown-ups. We know pot when we smell it" ... and Miranda somehow refrains from reminding the impudent twit that 1) she's not a grown-up, and 2) she isn't entitled to any kind of explanation about an actual grown-up's personal pot stench just 'cause Brady's boning her in his bedroom every night.
Carrie is browsing her closet when she hears a strange noise coming from the kitchen, which turns out to be her coffee maker malfunctioning and spilling coffee everywhere. She then returns to her closet and decides on the bizarre combination of a striped shirt and a long white see-through tutu type skirt, then flounces over to the nearest convenience store to get a coffee. The clerk brightens at the sight of her, is all, "Long time no see" and asks her if she's enjoying married life...and she sadly shares that her husband recently died. The clerk sympathetically clucks, "Poor Caroline" and gives her a free coffee and roll. After that, Carrie returns to her marital apartment, wanders sadly from room to room, and stares mournfully at the Peloton that killed Big.
Over drinks, Carrie tells Miranda and Charlotte that she half expected Big to be home when she returned to the apartment, and has made the decision to sell it. Miranda and Charlotte caution her about making any life-changing decisions while in mourning, but Carrie says she's all action and has already contacted a realtor and rid herself of the murderous Peloton. Charlotte changes the subject to the Thursday dinner party she's planning on inviting Lisa and Herbert to and wants the two of them to also attend. Miranda says she can make it, then shares that she's having dinner with her law professor (Nya) this week, and explains that after she gave a kick-ass argument in her law class, Nya invited her out to dinner to discuss it further. She then looks around for the waiter and says she wants to order another drink and suggests they get a bottle, and Charlotte's like, "Nooooo!! We're fine like this!" as Carrie raises her eyebrows in mild amusement.
Realtor Seema Patel arrives at Carrie's apartment, takes in the loud wallpapered decor and odd furniture choices, and declares it gorgeous but that it's all gotta go. LOL. When a bewildered Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a?", Seema explains that prospective buyers need to picture themselves living in the apartment without having to look past all the fugly wallpaper she somehow deems fashionable...and assures Carrie that her movers/stagers will take care of everything so she needn't lift a finger. When Seema wanders into the closet and marvels at its awesomeness, Carrie makes it clear that no one is to touch the shoes...and Seema says she totally gets that 'cause she's the kind of person who names each of her purses. She then glances around the "insane" spa bathroom and says it could use one thing to "pull this whole area into focus": a Peloton. Carrie stares at her despondently for a few seconds, breezily offers to explain her visceral reaction to the mention of a Peloton another time, then says she has to head off to Podcast Headquarters now. Seema offers the services of her driver, who can drop her off in Midtown.
Carrie sniffs the back of Seema's car and asks her if she smokes, and Seema admits that, yep, she lights up once in awhile when she's alone. Carrie says she used to smoke, then accepts a cigarette while explaining that it's been a rough few weeks. As the two ride off to Midtown, Carrie sticks her face out of the window [the way my dog likes to do] while sadly puffing away on her cigarette.
Podcast manager Chloe admonishes Carrie and Jackie for not keeping their social media accounts more up to date, and tells Carrie that her Instagram has been "pretty much a corpse" for the last three weeks. As the room goes silent and the cute control booth guy warns Chloe to shut it, Chloe suddenly remembers Big's recent demise, winces, and blurts out, "Oh, fuck me! Fuck!" and apologizes to Carrie. Jackie chides Chloe for being so insensitive, and she snappishly retorts to not make this about them, and half-heartedly says it was fun while it lasted. She then turns her attention back to Carrie and says, "I'm sorry for your loss. Get your socials up." As she huffs off in her wheelchair, Jackie rushes out of the room after her and confronts her about the insanity of ghosting him when she knows she's going to see him the next day. Chloe suggests he try washing his bath towels more than once a year and wheels off with a protesting Jackie chasing after her. When the cute control booth guy remarks, "Young love", Che and Carrie chuckle about the spectacle being "not so young" and "not so love" ... and Che tells Carrie if it were them being berated by Chloe, they totally would have played the death card.
Charlotte informs Harry that she cancelled his colonoscopy 'cause she wants to have a dinner party for Lisa and Herbert in the hopes that she and Lisa can transition from being school mom friends to actual friends. She puts Harry on notice that since Lisa and Herbert are an accomplished, impressive couple, the two of them really need to "bring it" ... then looks alarmed when she glances over the guest list and realizes that Lisa and Herbert are going to be the only black people at her party. Harry suggests inviting their neighbours, the Jenkins, a very nice black couple they almost never hang out with, to give their party the kind of diversity she's looking for.
Charlotte channels her inner Stepford wife when she drops by the Jenkins' apartment to confirm with Shelly that she received her text message inviting her to her dinner party. Shelly wryly says she got all four of her texts and that she and her husband can't make it Thursday 'cause they're pretending they have dinner plans elsewhere. Charlotte suggests they drop by for drinks before dinner, then tells a clearly disinterested Shelly to text her and let her know if she can't make it...and a few seconds after Shelly shuts her door in her face, she sends Charlotte a 'nope, "can't" make it' text. Bwahahaha!!
Charlotte calls Anthony to ask about a painter he once dated, and Anthony's like, "Oh yeah, the hot black guy", then says he has no way to get in touch with him 'cause Stanford set his old address book on fire during a fit of jealous rage. Seems ridiculously out of character for lovable Stanny, but OK.
Charlotte runs into Deirdre in front of the school...and, in a last ditch effort to fake demonstrate to Lisa that her entire friendship circle isn't completely vanilla, she invites Deirdre and her husband to her dinner party. Deirdre tells her she'll check with Geoff/Joff(?) and ambles off - just as Lisa rushes over to tell Charlotte she can't make it to her Thursday dinner party 'cause she and Herbert have to go to the symphony with her mother-in-law, an engagement Herbert kept from her so he didn't have to hear her bitch about it all week. Charlotte breezily assures her it's no problem to reschedule - just as Deirdre runs over and says that she and Geoff/Joff(?) can make it on Thursday night. Charlotte tells her the dinner's been suddenly cancelled cause she forgot that Carrie has a colonoscopy on Friday morning, and a smug Deirdre cites that as proof that she does, in fact, drop the ball from time to time.
Miranda and Nya are at waiting in line for a table at a fancy restaurant...and after more than half an hour, Nya gets irked and snappishly tells the host that she made a reservation. She shows him the reservation receipt on her phone, so the host checks his computer and informs her that she reserved a table at their San Francisco location. Womp womp! When the two are eventually seated, Nya apologizes to Miranda for acting so nutty just then and explains that her brain has gone wiener from all the IVF treatments she's been undergoing. She then wonders aloud if motherhood is worth it, says that she and her husband loooove her vibrant child-less life, but worries that she'll regret never having kids. Miranda points out that there are always roads not taken in life, then tells her about a gal pal from Harvard Law School who never married or procreated and is now a federal judge. Nya wryly points out that this judge goes home to an empty house every night, and Miranda stares dreamily into space and says she looooves the idea of being a federal judge and going home to an empty house - but then is happy when she sees her son, though is instantly unhappy whenever he leaves his dirty underwear on her kitchen floor...which - ew - but isn't terribly surprising, given what a slob he is about leaving used condoms littered all over his bedroom. Nya asks if it's possible to have it all, and Miranda chews on that for a few seconds before saying it is, but that "it's just really fuckin' hard".
Carrie and Seema are at an open house of a sunny, spacious downtown apartment, and Carrie motions at the motorcycle the owner left on display in the living room and jokes about how, generally speaking, back in the day she's pretty sure she used to date the now fifty year old guy who owns this place. Seema admits that she's still dating the figurative man-child and tells Carrie to feel free to introduce her to any available man she might know who has a good heart. She excuses herself to say bye to the realtor showing the place - just as a man who screams 'mid-life crisis' approaches Carrie to needlessly inform her that he's considering making an offer on the apartment. He adds that he's recently divorced, is looking to relocate downtown, and asks a horrified looking Carrie if she wants to check out the bedroom - just as Seema reappears to save Carrie by announcing that they're off to grab some lunch. Carrie jokes to Seema that she was pretty close to fleeing via the motorcycle and calls Mr. Mid-life Crisis "your worst nightmare".
Over lunch, Seema shows Carrie the various worst nightmares she's been swiping on all the dating apps she's registered herself on. She then wistfully tells Carrie she just wants a dating app that can deliver the man she's been searching for her whole life, and Carrie condescendingly says she thinks it's great that she's still putting herself out there.
While en route to Lisa's/Herbert's apartment, Charlotte asks Harry if he read the article on black literature she assigned him in advance of Herbert's birthday party so he can bring his "A game", then quizzes him on famous African-American authors...and Harry refrains from telling her to chill the fuck out already about the prospect of spending the evening with a not entirely Caucasian crowd. When they arrive at the apartment, Lisa greets them and sends them into the living room to mingle with the (gasp!) all black party guests...and Charlotte makes a beeline over to a woman she thinks is an acquaintance from her daughters' school named Gwen, and is visibly mortified when the woman politely says she knows who Gwen is, but that she's Shawna, aka a friend of Lisa's. Harry tries to distract from the embarrassment of Charlotte worrying that everyone in the room now thinks she thinks every black woman looks the same by blurting out, "Has anyone read the new Zadie Smith book?" LOL.
Carrie returns to her marital apartment, which has been staged and repainted to more sane, calming, neutral tones. She calls Miranda to report that the apartment is now very beige, and that it's so surreal there's no longer any sign that she and Big ever lived there. Miranda coos about how sorry she is, and Carrie says she finds herself drawn to Seema, who knows nothing of her pre-widow life, giving her the ability to pretend that none of the bad stuff in this reboot ever happened. Carrie then wanders over to the bathroom and sees that a new Peloton has been installed. She sighs and says, "I gotta get Big and go" 'cause neither belongs here anymore. She ends the phone call, picks up the box containing Big's ashes, and places it in a black Barney's bag before heading out.
Birthday party! After Herbert blows out his candles, Shawna asks Charlotte what she does, so Charlotte says she's a full-time mom and very active on the Events Committee at her daughters' school. Lisa interjects with some wankery about how not only is Charlotte is a stellar mom and killin' it at school, she's on the board of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Lisa's mother-in-law (Eunice) is all, "Hmm...so you know art" and says that her favorite art is Art Smith, aka her financial adviser...and that he told her Lisa and Herbert have spent more dough on the art in their apartment than she and her late husband spent on their first house. Charlotte explains that, in terms of an investment, she can't think of a better use of money than the art purchases Lisa has made, then points at the various paintings and photographs, likening one collection to "owning early sheet music by Beethoven". Charlotte concludes to Eunice that neither she nor Art Smith have anything to worry about, 'cause with Lisa's keen eye, the family finances are in very good hands...and as a newly impressed Eunice nods approvingly, Herbert suggests they get up and help themselves to some birthday cake. Lisa gives Charlotte a warm shoulder squeeze and thanks her for the reciprocated wanking.
Carrie returns to her SATC apartment, places Big's ashes on the top shelf of her closet, and mutters that she's only storing him there until she figures out where he'd really want to be. She then finds a card sitting by her phone, which she quickly discovers is a goodbye letter from Stanford, whose real life passing is explained by a sudden move to Tokyo to go on tour with a TikTok star he's been managing who's huge in Asia. [Seems a rather feeble sendoff for such a beloved SATC cast member, but OK.] A few seconds later, Anthony drops by to commiserate with Carrie about Stanny's abrupt departure and to reveal that he (Stanny) has asked for a divorce.
Over coffee, Charlotte admits to Lisa that she had a small panic attack when she realized that she and Herbert would be the only black couple at her dinner party...and Lisa admits that she was similarly worried she and Harry would be nervous being the only white couple at her dinner party. Charlotte winces and asks if they seemed nervous, and Lisa's like, "Well d'yuh", given that Harry was visibly sweating through his suit. Charlotte blames herself for pushing him so hard 'cause of how desperate she was to do everything right, and even invited Deirdre to her dinner party to diversify the guest list. Lisa quips, "OK, now you're doing the wrong thing" and asks Charlotte how she managed to get out of that...and when Charlotte says she pretended to drop a ball, Lisa toasts her for taking one for the team.
Carrie meets up with Seema at her apartment (following an open house) with a bag of sushi takeout. Seema tells her that the open house garnered tons of interest that includes possible offers, and then informs her that she accidentally broke a framed photo that had been sitting on the night stand - but assures her she'll replace the frame. Carrie is aghast that the framed photo is one of her and Big, snarls that since Big (aka the love of her life) touched the glass every night it can't be replaced, and chides Seema for not appearing nearly sorry enough about the mishap. Seema assures Carrie she's trying to look as sorry as she can possibly muster and doesn't mean to seem insensitive about her situation, then calls her out on her insensitivity at lunch the other day. When Carrie just stares back at her blankly, Seema invokes the 'it's great you're still putting yourself out there' remark Carrie made, and says it was hurtful, given that she still hasn't found a man after searching for Mr. Right for so many years. Seema admits that maybe a teeny tiny part of her is envious of her for finding happiness with the love of her life, and a contrite Carrie says she didn't mean any offence by the casual remark. Seema accepts her apology, and the two chow down on some sushi while, according to Carrie, becoming real friends in the process.
Recap: Jackie Nee is regaling podcast listeners with the implausible tale of an obsessed stalker, Horny Harriet the Spy, who he claims lives in the bushes outside of his Queens apartment and won't stop calling him. He says he totally gets why he's being stalked, given how hot he is (though: not), and Che concurs with his fuckableness and expresses a burning desire to leap across the table and ride him "like a motherfucking city bike". Carrie suggests that maybe Horny Harriet just wanted her credit card back...and when Jackie says that she's not actually old enough to qualify for credit, Che hastily reminds him that joking about anything within the realm of sex with a minor isn't acceptable podcast talk, particularly when the bit in question isn't remotely funny. Carrie chimes in to circle back to a topic she's triggered by - city bikes - and as Che cackles about how "on fire" she is (?), it remains unclear why a supposedly successful author like Carrie is spending her days podcasting with two raunch-obsessed clowns whose tedious shock-jock schtick more than wore out its welcome in Episode 1.
Che tells Carrie that she did a great job on the podcast today and asks her how widowhood is going. Carrie admits that it's been a rough few weeks, but takes comfort in how happy she and Big were at the time he keeled over, describing her current state of mind as happy-sad. She then tells Che she's more than happy to be a supportive co-podcaster and attend the taping of their Netflix comedy special on Friday night, and Che grins back in appreciation.
While en route to The Reading of Big's Will, Miranda tells Carrie she finally listened to her wretched podcast yesterday and gushes about how funny Che is. Carrie says that if she's actually entertained by that kind of bawdy drivel, she's more than welcome to attend Che's comedy show Netflix taping on Friday night...and Miranda perks up at that and chirps, "Oh great!"
Just as The Reading of Big's Will gets underway, Big's lawyer excuses himself to take a phone call from his angry wife with whom he's currently in a fight which, for some reason, he can't put a pin in during a client meeting. Carrie tells Gloria she'd like to wrap this up asap 'cause she has a lunch summit she needs to get to.
Charlotte is startled to see Stanford arrive at the restaurant in advance of the gals' scheduled lunch summit and asks what he's doing here, so he informs her that Carrie invited him. When he asks if that's a problem, she half-heartedly says it's not - except that she only reserved a table for three, and doesn't want any complications, given that this was the only restaurant she could find in which Carrie never dined with Samantha or Big. Stanford decides to use this moment to lay bare his resentment about the dickish way she refuses to regard him as part of Carrie's inner circle, and adds that his therapist suggests she's threatened by his friendship with Carrie. Charlotte makes a seriously? face and asks him if he's really been talking about her during his therapy sessions, and he replies, "You've come up."
Gloria looks befuddled by a particular paragraph in Big's will and asks Miranda to help her out...and when Miranda reads it over, she stares back at Gloria with an ashen look on her face. When Carrie asks whassup with their weird reactions, Miranda points to the part of the will that refers to Big's bequest of $1 million to Natasha Naginsky. Carrie's all, "Natasha..?" and stares over at the lawyer in puzzlement, so he pauses arguing with his wife long enough to explain that sometimes when people have unfinished business with, say an ex-wife, they throw money at the situation.
During the lunch summit, Carrie moans about how well she was doing prior to learning that Big bequeathed Natasha $1 million, then self-piteously wonders if she herself is merely "one of the wives he was taking care of" ... and as that's happening, the waiter keeps banging the kitchen door on the back of Stanford's chair every time he enters/exits the kitchen. Carrie rails, "What is she doing in his will?!", so Miranda wryly remarks, "Well, he did destroy her life" - but Charlotte's all, "Nuh uh" and says she saw Natasha at Bergdorf pre-pandemic looking her usual fabulous self and can only assume that her life hasn't been destroyed. Stanny loyally grumbles, "Fuck her perfect not destroyed life and her pre-tax million dollars", but Carrie rightly points out that Natasha hasn't done anything wrong - while she, on the other hand, is the cheating skank who had an affair with her then-husband. No argument there. Charlotte reframes reality by pointing out that since Carrie was dating Big first, he was the one who cheated on her with Natasha before she cheated with Big on Natasha, and Carrie decides she likes that version of events and coos, "Gawd, you're a good friend." Charlotte urges her to not let this eat her up and wanks her about how she and Big were the happiest couple she knew...then hastily mutters, "Sorry, no offence" to Miranda and Stanny for unwittingly insulting their less-than-perfect unions. Carrie says she's very disturbed that not even Gloria knew anything 'bout the $1 million bequest to Natasha, and is translating this to mean that Big has been pining over his ex-wife the entire time they were married. Stanny asks her if she even knew that Big and Natasha were in touch, and an alarmed looking Carrie says, "Who said they were in touch?" - just as the waiter bangs the back of his chair for the umpteenth time.
Carrie arrives home and tries to log onto Big's computer, but is unable to 'cause she doesn't know his password.
Charlotte is laying in bed with Rose while reading to her, then chides her "baby girl" for scrunching her so far to the edge and causing her to nearly fall off the bed. Rose tells her mother she hates it when she calls her that...and by that she means the girl part of baby girl. Rose further explains that she doesn't feel like a girl, so a flummoxed looking Charlotte chews on that for a few seconds, then tells her that sometimes she doesn't feel like a girl either and tries to get a zoned out Lily, who's wearing headphones, to claim the same. Rose says she never feels like a girl, a revelation that startles Charlotte so deeply that she tumbles off the side of the bed.
Miranda and Steve are munching ultra healthy dessert food, while a canoodling Brady and Luisa are loading up on their desserts in the kitchen. Steve asks Miranda if it was a bad idea to allow their underage son to have loud nightly sex with his girlfriend in their home, and Miranda's like, "Why? Do you have a time machine?" ... and says this as though they're somehow powerless to revisit that decision, set reasonable boundaries for their teenager, and imbue him with the notion of common courtesy. Luisa remarks on how whole milk is healthier for aging bones than the low-fat kind, and Miranda shoots her the stink-eye and is all, "Excuse me?" ... and once Luisa is out of earshot, she asks Steve if they accidentally adopted her, and Steve uselessly replies that he dunno.
A restless Carrie rifles through Big's pockets and wallet and comes across a photograph of a dog with Gogi '85 written on the back of it.
Anthony is at his sourdough shop, Hot Fellas, barking into the phone at an unsatisfied customer while Rose pounds dough and Charlotte stands around and gushes about how impressive it is that he created an entire business out of one sourdough starter in his kitchen. Anthony explains that when Covid hit, he had to find a different kind of hand job to keep himself busy...and when a genuinely puzzled looking Rose asks what a hand job is, Charlotte stammers that it's "a job you do with your hands", much like the dough she's pounding. Anthony sashays over to where Rose is pounding dough, then makes an ew face and tells her she has some serious BO...and a few seconds later, Charlotte hastily pulls Anthony aside for a private one-on-one to ask his advice on how she should react to Rose no longer wanting to be referred to as a girl. Anthony brusquely snorts, "She's a kid, ignore it" - but Charlotte argues that she's her mother and therefore can't ignore it. Anthony reminds her that kids get all kinds of short-lived notions in their heads, assures her she'll handle it perfectly if/when it's something she can no longer ignore, but urges her in the meantime to provide the imp with an ample supply of deodorant 'cause, yikes, what a stank.
Carrie calls Miranda to tell her that Big once had a dog named Gogi she never heard him mention, and explains that she found a photo of the pooch when she was rifling through his wallet. She then nonsensically declares that the only real way she can move past this contrived Big drama is by looking Natasha in the eye and having a grown-up conversation with her about the $1 million bequest...and to that end has sent Natasha an email at her fancy cashmere company job. She says she's miffed that Natasha hasn't responded, then - against Miranda's advice - DMs Natasha on her Instagram account while saying she has no doubt that since she's a grieving widow, the woman has no choice but to respond with compassion. A few seconds later, Carrie gasps in dismay when Natasha reacts to her DM by blocking her from her Instagram account - bwahahahahaha!! - a move that prompts Miranda to declare her "a fucking bitch".
Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte are huddled in the back seat of a tinted Uber, staking out Natasha's workplace. Carrie says she's determined to harass Natasha into talking to her, so Charlotte tries to gently remind her that Big loved her, and that there's really nothing about him she doesn't already know. Carrie says she's wrong 'bout that, then shows her the photo of Gogi, aka "another bitch I knew nothing about" ... and Charlotte gives her a funny look and tells her she's acting crazy, while Miranda's attitude is 'so what?' about the notion of Big and Natasha having possibly kept in touch. Carrie explains that she's worried Big regretted choosing her over Natasha - just as they spot a fabulous looking Natasha exiting a car and entering her workplace. As Carrie mentally prepares herself for a needless confrontation with the ex-Mrs Big, Miranda and Charlotte tell her they'll be waiting for her at the Starbucks around the corner and wanks her about how fabulous she too looks.
Carrie tells the receptionist she's dropped by unannounced to see Natasha, and the receptionist tells her to have a seat so that her boss can think up with an excuse to avoid being in the same room with the skank who ruined her marriage. At Starbucks, meanwhile, Charlotte finds several empty Tito's bottles in Miranda's backpack while looking for a phone charger...then pretends as if nothing is amiss once Miranda returns to the table with a muffin. Charlotte asks her if everything is OK in her life, and Miranda's like, "Well, since you asked.." and says that she's been wondering if she and Steve are even a couple anymore, given that they haven't bumped uglies in years. She says that the only thing they're passionate these days about is loading up on healthy dessert food, and that any conversations they have are mostly centered around Brady and his constant boning of Luisa.
Natasha's assistant, Amber, walks over to where Carrie is sitting and crisply tells her that Natasha is unavailable today 'cause she's pretending she's in Rome, then chirps, "Have a nice day" before sashaying off. Carrie stares perplexedly into space for a few long seconds, then ambles out of the building looking discombobulated.
Carrie heads over to Starbucks to angrily inform Charlotte and Miranda that Natasha is avoiding her by pretending to be in Rome...and then the three wander back over to Natasha's workplace so that Carrie can point up at the building and rail about how she knows she's in there - and suddenly the three spot Natasha talking on the phone and staring down at them with a the fuck? expression. Carrie's all, "Ack!" and the three totter off until they're out of viewing range of Natasha. Carrie moans about how humiliated she is by what just happened - but Miranda says she finds the whole thing amusing, while Charlotte points out that Natasha's the one who should be humiliated since she was just caught out in a brazen lie.
Early the next morning, Carrie calls Charlotte as she wanders aimlessly around Manhattan. She complains about her inability to sleep and stop obsessing over Natasha, then tells her she'll swing by her place later this evening so they can ride together to Che's Netflix taping.
Carrie meets up with Miranda at the university to rail about how mad she is at Big, and how this contrived Natasha reemergence has brought back how nervous and insecure she always used to feel when she was with him. She laments that the happy-sad ending to their marriage has been ruined...then thanks Miranda for just mutely listening to her blather and not trying to make her feel better.
Carrie calls Charlotte again to report that she's still strolling aimlessly around the city, and is about to duck into a nearby coffee shop so she can use the ladies room. By scripted coincidence, she then enters the bathroom, which Natasha happens to be using with the door unlocked...and Carrie is so startled by the sight of her nemesis that she bursts back out of the bathroom and in the process spills her hot coffee all over her hands. A few seconds later, Natasha emerges from the bathroom and snarls at Carrie for stalking her first at her workspace and now at a random coffee shop, and Carrie points out that she didn't expect her to be this far uptown 'cause it's nowhere near her apartment...then has to sheepishly admit that, yep, she knows where she lives. Natasha growls, "What the fuck do you want from me?" and Carrie just kind of shrugs and says she's not sure anymore, then asks if they could chat for a few minutes and put a permanent end to the Natasha-Big-Carrie story arc. Natasha notices the burn marks on Carrie's hands, so she pulls out a snack baggie from her purse and empties it so that she can fill it with the ice from her drink, and hands it to Carrie so she can soothe her burns. She tells Carrie she's already told her lawyer she doesn't want Big's $1 million gift and says she hadn't talked to the bum since their divorce. She then says that Big was always a puzzle...particularly when he married her while being hopelessly in love with another (namely Carrie). Carrie looks somewhat appeased by that nauseating wankery, then suggests that maybe the money was his way of saying sorry for everything. She apologizes for cheating with Big while they were married, and Natasha tells her she appreciates the apology, but to get out of her life forever now and never ever try to DM her on Instagram again.
Che Diaz is performing for the Netflix taping, aka a cringey spectacle during which they bellow at the live audience to:
Che then rails about how clueless the unwoke are in the ways of processing gender individuality and complains that the non-binary are always being portrayed as sad, lonely people. Che screeches, "I'm not always sad!!" and claims to laugh "all the fucking time", then describes the experience coming out to family members during Thanksgiving, solemnly listing their status as queer, non-binary, and bisexual. The family members were like, "That's nice, now get away from the TV 'cause you're blocking the football game." Hee! Che gushes about being so lucky to have such a loving family, a remark Charlotte looks particularly touched by. Che goes on to shriek at the audience about the need to make life changes if they aspire to be truly happy...then delivers a clear message to all the malevolent heteros out there who want non-binary folk to live sad, lonely lives: "Suck my dick!" Miranda looks transfixed by the bizarreness of Che's verbal onslaught and exclaims, "Wow!" and says she's definitely up for attending the after-party - but Carrie and Charlotte are like, "Uh, pass" and say they'd much prefer to head home.
Charlotte calls Rose to tell her she just called to hear her voice and reiterate how much she looooooves her, then gets into the back of an Uber with Carrie. Miranda bids them both adieu, then heads back into the bar where she encounters Che. She wanders over and tells Che how utterly mesmerizing their performance was, what a robot she currently feels like in her life, and that she really really wants to mix things up. When she starts breathlessly gushing to Che about what a "comedy prophet" they are, Che urges her to breathe, chillax, and maybe do a hit of some potent weed...and when Miranda says she's not so good with weed, Che offers to "shotgun" her, then takes a puff of pot and sensually blows the smoke into Miranda's enraptured face.
In the back of the Uber, Charlotte tells Carrie she's worried that Miranda might have a drinking problem, and Carrie reacts by rolling her eyes and dismissively retorting, "Oh really? Aren't we all just drinking too much? 'Cause there's a lot to drink about lately" then jokes about how she's probably going to need a drink to get through this conversation. Charlotte ignores that needless cuntitude and explains that she found several tiny empty Tito's bottles in Miranda's backpack earlier in the episode...and instead of expressing the slightest concern for her friend's liver, Carrie stupidly quips that maybe Miranda was having a tiny party in her backpack. Charlotte points out that she can't help noticing all of the wine Miranda has been drinking lately, to which Carrie just snappishly retorts, "OK, could you stop noticing things?" and Charlotte just makes a weird bug eyes expression and decides that since Miranda's alleged over-drinking isn't penetrating through Carrie's thick skull, it's probably better to just drop the issue. The Uber arrives at Carrie's building - but she decides to stroll to her SATC apartment and caps off the episode with, "And just like that...I walked myself home."
Recap: Brady and Luisa are going at it very loudly in his bedroom, and Brady swaps positions and mounts Luisa, thrusting in time with the headboard, which pounds the wall adjacent to his parents' bedroom. As a chagrined Miranda turns up the volume on the TV to drown out the sex noises of her teenage son [who's in desperate need of boundaries], she gets an unexpected call from Carrie.
Miranda rushes over to Carrie's apartment, where a couple of EMT guys have zipped Big's body inside a body bag and a mournful Carrie is moaning, "What do I do nowwwww?" Miranda has no answer to that question and just gives Carrie a comforting hug.
Later, Miranda lays in bed with Carrie, who's having flashbacks of a young looking Big from an early SATC episode.
The following morning, Carrie is Googling funeral homes on her MacBook when Miranda shuffles into the kitchen and offers to make them some coffee. Carrie tells her that instead of doing that she should go home and get ready for class, 'cause she really shouldn't skip after the cringe-fest that was her first day...and Miranda mulls that over, but points out that she still needs her morning coffee.
Anthony and Stanford share a tearful hug and gush about how lucky they each are to have the other. They promise to no longer pettily nitpick each other and always realize what's most important in life...and a few seconds later, that vow flies straight out of Stanny's head when he snappishly asks Anthony if he's wearing that shitty cologne he hates. Anthony's all, "The fuck you just say?" as Stanny apologizes for his needless bitchitude.
Carrie and Charlotte arrive at a prospective funeral home...and when the greeter asks Carrie roughly how many people will be in attendance at Big's funeral, she's like, "Dunno" as a tearful Charlotte explains that they haven't had a chance to fully wrap their brains around the AJLK producers' decision to kill off a main cast member and force viewers to hereafter contend with the ensuing gloom of Carrie's ego-centric 'I lost the love of my life' grief that's sure to overshadow whatever insufferably woke story arcs are in store for this spin-off. The greeter nods sympathetically, then invites them to sit down and wait for Jane Hayes, the mortician. Once he's out of earshot, Carrie glances around the room and remarks on how much Big would hate this place 'cause it screams 'old people and death'. Charlotte bursts into tears and wails at Carrie about how sorry she is for being so annoyingly pushy about her needing to attend Lily's piano recital, and that if she'd been home with Big he'd be alive right now. Carrie reminds her that Big suffered a fatal heart attack no one could have anticipated, other than generally considering him to be at high risk of a cardiac event from all his cigar smoking, cocktail drinking, and steak eating. Jane Hayes enters the room, sees Charlotte sobbing and assumes she's the widow, and expresses condolences for her loss. Charlotte sets her straight about Carrie being Mrs. Preston, and Carrie politely thanks Jane for her time, but tells her that this comfortably appointed, traditional-style funeral home isn't going to suit the kind of stark-white, sterile aesthetic she's aiming for. She assuringly adds, "It's not you, it's me", then snarks at a loudly sobbing Charlotte to get her shit together and stand upright so they can exit with a modicum of dignity. Outside, she packs Charlotte into the back of an Uber to ferry her home, snappishly says she'd prefer to handle the funeral arrangements without her constant sobbing, then shuffles dejectedly down the street.
Miranda arrives at the university, goes through the security checkpoint with her ID card...and sees that Nya is on the other side of the checkpoint, rifling through her handbag to locate her ID card. The security guard warns that he can't let her in without first seeing her ID card, and an indignant Miranda marches over to bitchily inform him that Nya is a professor for whom she can vouch [and says this as if that doesn't mean fuck all to a security guard], points out that he barely glanced at her ID card while he was letting her through, and asks if she can have his name. He grunts, "No" and allows Nya to enter once she finds and presents her ID card. Miranda shoots her an OMFG look and exclaims, "I just had to say something!" and Nya wryly retorts, "Really? Did you have to?" LOL. Miranda's like, "Well, d'yuh" and equates her obnoxiousness just now to fighting racism and "calling it out" whenever she sees it, so Nya calls her out on her "white savior complex" and points out that she needlessly enflamed a situation that was totally under control. Miranda sheepishly apologizes for once again acting as if she hasn't been living in New York City for the last twenty years and continues to find it a confounding mystery how to behave in a non-stupid manner around non-Caucasian people...and Nya mutters something about how they're all here, learning.
Charlotte is donning a black dress for Big's funeral and explains to her daughters that while death is sad, it's an important part of life 'cause it gives everyone a chance to remember how much their loved ones mean to them. Harry pokes his head into the room to tell Charlotte that Lisa has arrived for lunch, and Charlotte's all, "Shit! I forgot to cancel!" and rushes into the living room. As Charlotte tearfully apologizes to Lisa for not remembering to cancel their lunch and explains what a giant mess she is about Big's death, Lisa tells her not to give it a second thought and gives her a comforting hug.
Steve tells Miranda he thinks that the Peloton workout was what killed Big...and when Miranda points out that exercise is good for the heart and that Big got the OK from his cardiologist, Steve says he needs there to be a specific culprit in order to make sense of his friend's unexpected death. The two agree that death sucks, then urge Brady to come over so they can all clump together in a family hug.
Carrie's on the phone with the person in charge of the funeral venue and says she'll be there soon, then wanders into the closet, stares at Big's suits, and leans into them to get a nose-ful of his lingering scent.
Carrie, who's now decked out in a simple black dress and a flying saucer hat stuck to the right side of her head, arrives with Stanford and Anthony at the Greene Naftali Gallery: a sterile, all white space that features Big's casket at the front of the room and several rows of white chairs for the guests. Carrie sees the beautiful white floral arrangement atop Big's casket, scrunches her horsey face in disapproval, and stomps off to find out who in the fuckity fuck allowed flowers to be part of her husband's no flowers allowed funeral. The women in charge explain that the flowers arrived right after they got off the phone with her, and that they figured she should at least see them and make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to keep them. Carrie asks who they're from, so they hand her the card that accompanied the flowers, which reads Love, Samantha. Carrie immediately reverses her no flowers policy and tells the women that the arrangement can stay.
As the guests arrive, Charlotte and Miranda wank Carrie about how perfectly sterile and chic everything looks - just as Carrie notices the arrival of Big's long-serving secretary, Gloria. She rushes over to warmly greet her, then greets Che Diaz, who felt compelled to stop by and offer condolences and weirdly offer to bounce anyone who gets too rowdy during the reception.
Stanford tells Gloria she's sitting in his reserved seat, and Gloria looks put out as she dismayingly realizes that Carrie didn't give enough of a shit about her to seat her in the front row along with the spin-off's main cast members.
Miranda approaches the bar and asks for a drink...and when the bartender tells her she's been told to serve alcohol only after the service, Miranda haughtily tells her that all the liquor came from her husband's bar and that she'd like a neat bourbon super quick please 'cause she's about to deliver a terribly written eulogy.
When Carrie gives Miranda the green light, she heads up to the front of the room and deliver a silted sounding series of statements about how lucky they all are to have known "this amazing man" and how lovely it was for them to have shared "dinners, drinks, deals, and - for some of us - cigars with this one-of-a-kind". The speech ends by remarking on what a big hole Big's departure will leave in their lives and "how sad, how very sad" it is. When she takes her seat, she reveals to Charlotte that Carrie wrote the odd sounding drivel...and Charlotte refrains from muttering that that certainly explains why it came across as so weird and pretentious.
Next up is Big's older brother, who tells everyone that Big had recently told him he'd never been happier in his whole life, decrees "that's the way to go out", then nauseatingly thanks Carrie for being the world's greatest spouse...and she gives him a mournful, yet serene nod in response. After that, someone hits play on a slide show that features photos and film clips of Big, and Gloria starts to wail so loudly that Che rushes over and hands her a tissue. Susan-Sharon rolls her eyes and asks the woman sitting next to her, "Am I the only one that remembers what a prick he was to her?" ...which, bwahahaha!! And yes.
Carrie bids Gloria adieu, fake promises to call her soon, and asks Charlotte to go outside with Gloria and ensure that she gets into a cab. Bitsy Von Muffling wanders over to tell Carrie that she understands her grief, after losing her Bobby a year and a half ago - RIP, Nathan Lane's character! - then found love again after she hooked up with his pianist. Susan-Sharon sees an opening, so she comes over and gets all in Carrie's face about how she's forgiven her, 'cause life is too short to hold a grudge. As Carrie stares at her in befuddlement, Susan-Sharon further explains that she told herself to "fucking let it go" and make things right with Carrie, adds that she's not expecting an apology, then declares, "I love you. I'm back. The end" and suggests that they work this out once Carrie has the bandwidth. Once she's out of hearing range, Miranda asks Carrie what in blazes happened between her and Susan-Sharon, and Carrie says she has no earthly idea, especially given that her last documented interaction with Susan-Sharon occurred just prior to Aidan's dumping of her in Season 4 of SATC, and that absolutely nothing contentious happened between them during that scene. Carrie shuffles off just as Steve comes over to tell Miranda how amaaaazing Carrie is for keeping it together during the funeral, and says if it were her (Miranda) in that box, he'd be a blubbering mess. [He might end up changing his tune 'bout that, several episodes from now.]
Miranda enters the lobby and finds Brady smoking pot out of Che's pipe, so she storms over to demand WTF is going on here. Che explains that Brady wandered by and requested a hit of marijuana so figured 'why not help this young stranger break the law by doing pot while underage and in a public space where smoking anything isn't even permitted?' - and Miranda screeches, "He's seventeen!" Brady implores his mother to stop embarrassing him, and Miranda reacts by getting all in Che's face and lets out a string of expletives as she rails about funeral pot pushing and snarls, "You don't want want to mess with me" and threatens to rip Che's head off. An unfazed and somewhat amused looking Che backs off and urges Miranda to chillax, while a mortified Brady explains to his mother that he was so sad about Big he found himself in desperate need of a quick hit of weed. An unsympathetic Miranda bellows at him to go home with Steve and decrees, "No Luisa for a week!" Hurray! Brady's headboard and I thank you, Miranda.
Miranda returns to the funeral reception, where an oblivious-to-what-just-happened Carrie introduces her to Che Diaz, her podcast boss. Che politely says, "Nice to meet you" ... and once Carrie excuses herself and is out of earshot, Miranda stammeringly explains her reaction to finding Brady smoking pot from a strange person's pipe, but Che breezily remarks on how cool it is that she was protecting her son...and that she's way more papa than mama bear. Miranda chuckles, and the two agree to reset and introduce themselves again. Che explains that Che is the first three letters of Cheryl, then remarks that Miranda is a less suitable name for a sultry firecracker such as herself than is the moniker Rambo...and Miranda blushingly cackles at her intriguing new friend's assessment of her.
Miranda and Charlotte accompany Carrie back to her apartment, where they find a plethora of flowers and food donations lining the hallway. They grumble over people not respecting Carrie's firmly stated no flowers, no nuthin', fuck off edict and go inside the apartment. Later, Carrie is unable to sleep, so she turns on her phone and texts thank you to Samantha for ordering the lovely floral arrangement that sat atop Big's casket.
The next day while waiting for the subway, Miranda sees Nya enter the train station...and a few seconds after that, a guy in a creepy Chucky mask harasses Nya before grabbing her purse, so Miranda runs over and clubs him over the head with one of her humanitarian law textbooks. Miranda sheepishly tells Nya she hopes she didn't just insult her with an inappropriate white savior moment - but Nya assures her she's just grateful for the intervention that kept her purse from being stolen.
Carrie's doorman delivers a box containing Big's ashes, and she reacts by inviting Miranda and Stanford over to help her get through the tough moment by drinking cocktails. When Carrie gets alerted that Charlotte is on her way up, she orders Stanny to hide in the other room 'cause she doesn't want Charlotte to think she didn't invite her over for cocktails - which she didn't - and explains to a disgruntled looking Stanny that he has to be the one to hide 'cause it'd be less suspicious for Charlotte to see Miranda in her living room drinking a cocktail, given that it's her night to babysit. Charlotte arrives at the door and tells Carrie she just stopped by to bring her some magazines to read - just as she spots Stanford tiptoeing back into the living room to retrieve his martini. For a few seconds, Carrie pretends to have no idea why Stanford is inside her apartment, then acknowledges that the jig is up when she tells Stanny he can to stop pretending to hide now. Miranda wanders over and explains to Charlotte that Carrie was very upset after Big's ashes were delivered, and Charlotte reacts by handing Carrie the bag of magazines and despondently shuffling towards the elevator. Carrie runs out after her to explain that she called Stanford to come over and cheer her up after the ashes came, and implores her to not make this about her. Charlotte wails that she's trying really hard not to, but that it's sooooo obvious she called Stanford over her 'cause she's still mad at her about being pressured to attend the piano recital. Carrie comes right out and says that, yep, she purposely didn't call her - but that it's 'cause she gets so emotional, and clarifies that she's mad at herself for not driving to the Hamptons with Big that night, then shrieks, "Like I waaaaaaaanted to!!" Carrie's hoodie clad neighbor, Phil, pokes his head out the door and asks if everything's OK, and Carrie apologizes for her shrillness and invites Charlotte to come in and hang. Charlotte tells Carrie she can't blame herself for not being with Big that night 'cause she had no idea he was about to keel over from a heart attack, and Carrie points out, "And neither did you." Stanford interjects to ask, apropos of nothing, whassup with the designer white hoodie on "the old coot neighbor", and Carrie cites Stanford's ability to find levity in even her darkest moments as the reason she opted to invite him - and not her sobbing friend - over.
That night, Carrie has troubling falling asleep in her bedroom, so she tiptoes into the living room to settle onto the couch, where she lays her head atop her pillow and stares glumly at the box containing Big's ashes.
Recap: Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda are waiting to get a table at an upscale Midtown eatery named Clee when they spot Bitsy Von Muffling, who scampers over to greet them and concernedly ask about the whereabouts of "the fourth musketeer". Charlotte solemnly tells her that Samantha is "no longer with us", and when Bitsy all, "Ack! Did she die?", Miranda hastily explains that since Kim Cattrall made it clear she'd rather jump off a cliff than reprise her SATC role and/or ever be on a set with SJP again, the writers decided it was entirely plausible that Samantha Jones relocated her New York-centric PR firm to London. Bitsy lets out a long sigh of relief and quips about how she assumes that whoever is no longer in her orbit has either died of Covid or moved to Palm Beach, then air-kisses the three of them and flounces off - just as the hostess chirps, "Carrie, party of three."
Over lunch, Miranda shares that she stepped on a used condom in (her son) Brady's room this morning...and Charlotte lets out double ewwwws when Miranda adds that she was barefoot at the time. She further explains that, for some insane reason, she and Steve decided it was a good idea to let Brady's girlfriend Luisa stay overnight at their house, which they now regret 'cause his bedroom floor has become a minefield of used, discarded condoms that he's apparently too much of a slob to pick up and throw in the garbage can. Carrie's like, "I couldn't give the tiniest rat's ass about your semen problems" and asks if either of them would like to split the croquet-madame...and mercifully the conversation shifts to the topic of Miranda's plans to return to university to earn a Master's of Human Rights that she's pairing with her law degree. Charlotte gently asks her if she's planning on coloring her hair, then comes right out and says the grey ages her...and Miranda says she has no plans to visit a hair salon anytime soon and chides Charlotte for not wanting to hang out with a grey-haired friend [even though, to me, her grey looks fairly blondish] 'cause of how much harder it is for her to keep pretending to be whatever age she's pretending to be. Charlotte argues that she's totes OK with admitting she's fifty-five and that she really really misses Miranda's sassy red 'do of yore, which might be a fun change for her imminent return to the classroom. Miranda says she doesn't need to be a spicy redhead to study for a Master's degree and that there are more important issues in the world besides desperately clinging to one's youth. Charlotte scrunches her face perplexedly at that notion, then points out that Ruth Bader Ginsberg used to dye her hair...to which Carrie retorts, "Mic drop."
Carrie uses her phone to film a guy who walks past their table wearing a strange bowl hat, then explains to Miranda that she's been posting videos of unwitting strangers who have "interesting style" on her Instagram account, which has vastly grown in popularity now that she's podcasting. Sure, yeah...that seems entirely plausible. Miranda tells Carrie she loves her to death, but that she draws the line at podcasts...which seems like a random thing to draw the line at, given that podcasts have been around for over twenty years. TikTok, on the other hand, I could more see a fifty-something drawing the line at. Charlotte rushes back to the table to excitedly report that she just ran into her new friend Lisa Todd Wexley in the ladies room, explains that she and Lisa (who everyone calls LTW for short) are on the parent's school board together, and that she's soooooo cool. She adds that Lisa's son Henry is studying with the same piano teacher Lily studies with...then chides Carrie for not yet RSPVing to Lily's upcoming piano recital. Carrie tells her it's doubtful she'll go 'cause she and Big have plans to drive to the Hamptons that night...and Charlotte poutishly points out that they can go to the Hamptons anytime and that Lily's recital is a once-in-a-lifetime melodic extravaganza that's being held at the ritzy Manhattan School of Music. Carrie promises to talk it over with Big - just as Lisa ambles over to say hey to Charlotte again and meet her gal pals. Carrie and Miranda exchange polite chit-chat with Charlotte's new bestie, share a couple of fries with her, then head out so that Carrie can make it to her podcast taping on time.
Charlotte unzips a garment bag to show Lisa the floral dresses she got for Lily and Rose to wear for the recital, and Lisa frets that Henry is going to screw the pooch on his performance 'cause she started him with his lessons way too late - plus he really hates practicing. Charlotte assures her that the other parents will understand he's just a kid who's starting out - but Lisa says that her mother-in-law isn't likely to be understanding at all 'cause she's an accomplished concert pianist, as well as a malevolent pain-in-the-ass.
While strolling to Podcast Headquarters, Miranda tells Carrie not to stress about skipping Lily's recital, 'cause it's an 'every kid gets a trophy' kind of event. Carrie says she should probably go, not least 'cause Charlotte is a supportive friend who listens to her podcast. Miranda chortles sheepishly at that, then brings up the subject of Samantha and says that since they never speak of her, it does kinda feel like she's dead. Carrie shrugs and retorts that she has nothing further to say on the matter...except to explain to viewers that when she told Samantha it no longer made sense to keep her on as a publicist, given the state of the publishing world, Samantha responded by snarking, "Fine!" and firing her as a friend. Seems like an implausibly over-dramatic reaction, given that most of Samantha's PR business seemed to be center around corporate branding and event planning and less around the promotion of obscure publications like Carrie's 'I couldn't help but wonder' musings, but OK. Carrie sadly says she left Samantha many texts and voicemails, all of which have gone unanswered...and Miranda's like, "Same" about the many messages she and Charlotte have sent. A few seconds later, the two arrive at Podcast Headquarters, and Carrie thanks Miranda for walking with her and assures her that her blondish-grey hair looks fab.
Charlotte arrives home and shows Lily the floral dress she got her for the recital, and an amiable Lily tells her she loooooves it. A few seconds later, Harry and Rose return home from an afternoon of skateboarding...and when Charlotte shows Rose her floral dress, she shrugs disinterestedly and saunters off to her room.
Carrie returns home, where Big is in the kitchen cooking dinner. The two exchange banal chit-chat before Carrie puts on a vinyl record (a tradition they started under the Covid lockdown) so that Big can roll out the full cheese of his schmaltz schtick and croon to her while she gazes back at him adoringly. When the two head back into the kitchen to prepare their fish dinner, Big gives his OK to driving to the Hamptons a day later so that Carrie can attend Lily's piano recital...but says he has zero desire to tag along 'cause he has a date to spin with his Barcelona-born Peloton instructor, Allegra.
Miranda arrives in Manhattan for the first day of class...and gets into the city early so she figures 'why not go into the nearest bar and guzzle some booze first?' The bartender gives her a funny look and tells her they don't open until 11:00am, so she seats herself on a barstool and tells him she'll wait.
A toasted Miranda enters a classroom filled with students decades younger and accidentally sits in the professor's chair. She hastily takes another seat, then similarly warns a black woman sporting long braids who enters the classroom a few seconds later. The woman shoots her the stink-eye and identifies herself as Professor Nya Wallace...and then she and Miranda get into a cringey back-and-forth about whether or not Miranda thinks a university professor should/can have long braided hair. Miranda motions at the greyish mop that is her hair and cites it as proof of what little importance she places on peoples' hairdos, then wanks Nya about how excited she is to take her course not just 'cause she's black, but 'cause she's "such a force in academia". She then apologizes to the class for taking up everyone's time before finally shutting her yap...and Nya introduces the course, Policies and Principles of Humanitarian Law, and acknowledges that, yep, the photo of her on the university's website has her rockin' more of a sassy Halle Berry 'do as opposed to the long braids she's currently sporting.
Carrie is podcasting with raunch devotee Jackie Nee and host Che Diaz, who self-identifies as a "queer, non-binary, Mexican-Irish diva". Jackie sets the topic du jour - why women don't buff the muff in subways more - and Che shares that they like to do it while in Yankee Stadium, while Jackie boasts that there isn't a public place in which he hasn't spanked his monkey [and hopefully been amply arrested for public indecency]. When Che asks Carrie to add her two cents to the inane banter, she stammers uncomfortably and quips, "I would like to buy a vowel please" ... and when Jackie and Che continue to stare at her expectantly, she jokes that she hasn't masturbated publicly since Barney's closed. Jackie scrunches his face confusedly and asks what Barney's is, and Carrie sighs and retorts, "OK, now that's offensive."
Nya enters the subway station chatting on the phone with her husband, then winces when she spots Miranda waiting for the train a few feet away. She abruptly ends the call when Miranda waves and then ambles over to introduce herself in a "non-manic, non crazy lady way" and gush about how much it means to her to be in her class. She natters about how she quit corporate law after feeling a sudden, burning passion to help the hapless folk who were stuck in limbo at JFK airport after Trump's "muslim ban" was decreed - just as a random subway musician drowns her out with the noise of his electric guitar. Nya's all, "Wha-a-at? I didn't catch a lot of that" - LOL - and avoids getting into the same train car as Miranda, who looks mortified that this is now the second time she's made a total arse of herself in front of her new professor.
Che tells Carrie she's going to have to engage a lot more while taping the podcast and that she can't just sit there and uselessly giggle. Carrie explains that the conversation got raunchier than she's comfortable with, so Che warns that she's going to have to roll with it or risk being labelled uptight by judgemental online trolls. Egads! Che wanks Carrie about how groundbreaking her '90s Sex and the City column was - but makes clear that she's going to have to step her pussy up, get out of her played out 'I couldn't help but wonder' comfort zone, and start chiming in with a more acceptable level of raunch whenever it's called for.
Carrie is sitting in front of her laptop, doing her best to tackle the ticklish topic of masturbation. She heads over to the bedroom, where Big is laying atop the bed reading, and asks him if he likes to spank the monkey from time to time...hastily adding that she's only asking 'cause it's part of her research for the podcast. Big admits that he does, so Carrie asks if he wouldn't mind putting on a little masturbatory show for her. He decides 'sure, why the hell not?' and lubes one of his hands and slides it under the bedsheet. He then moans, "Oooooh my, Carrie!" and pulls her towards him, and the two giggle and smooch amorously.
The next evening, Carrie enters her ginormous walk-in closet and stares at the endless shelves of glittery stilettos and coos, "Hello, lovers." She selects the heels she wore during her/Big's City Hall wedding, then heads over to the living room, where Big is contemplatively staring out the window and smoking a cigar. She makes sure he notices that she's wearing her wedding shoes, then asks if he thinks he might be up for the drive to the Hamptons after Lily's piano recital,..and he says it all depends how tired he is from his Peloton workout and promises to text her later. He then gazes at Carrie lovingly as she snarks, "Tell that whore Allegra I said bye" while flouncing out the door.
Charlotte is imploring Rose to wear the non-poofy Oscar de la Renta floral dress she bought for her...and when that proves fruitless, tries to get Harry in on the pressure campaign. Rose capitulates, but insists on wearing a fugly tuxedo t-shirt overtop the dress, and topping off the unsightly get-up along with a silly hat.
As everyone congregates at the Manhattan School of Music, Harry greets Steve, who laments being a deaf and glum old-timer. A few seconds later, Stanford arrives, and he and Anthony bicker back and forth about how Anthony departed for the recital and left Stanny behind 'cause he was taking far too long to get ready, blah blah..
While in a long line to use the ladies room, Miranda tells Carrie what a ginormous ass she made of herself on her first day of class, then whines that she really has to pee...and decides that since she's fifty-five, she's entitled to be able to do her business in the adjacent and totally vacant men's room.
While seated in the auditorium, Anthony tells Carrie that Stanny is mad at him for scrolling hot guys on his phone, which he admits he's doing 'cause he's looking to hire hot delivery guys for his sourdough business. Miranda, meanwhile, pulls a bottle of wine out of her purse...and when Charlotte gasps disapprovingly, Miranda growls about the rough day she just had and to let it go. Lisa arrives with her bitchy mother-in-law in tow...and when she sees that Miranda is guzzling wine, she asks if she can her own paper cup to get through what's sure to be a rough night.
Recital! Lisa's son, Henry, is first up...and his poor practicing regimen quickly shines through with his subpar performance. Lisa's husband looks dismayed by his son's lack of musical talent and asks Lisa if he can swiftly guzzle her small cup of red wine...and elsewhere in the row, Steve removes his hearing aid, much to the amusement of Miranda.
Big starts his Peloton workout with his virtual trainer, Allegra, at the same time Brady and his girlfriend start sucking face at the recital. Miranda barks at Steve to tell their son to cool it with the PDA 'cause she doesn't always want to be the bad guy, and Brady overhears the conversation and poutishly tells his mother that he and Luisa won't be sex-shamed...or shamed into behaving appropriately while at a kids' piano recital.
After Henry's substandard performance, Lily takes the stage and plays Beethoven's Presto Agitato with more skillful gusto than everyone (save for Charlotte and Harry) were expecting. While that's happening, Mr. Big finishes what looks like a strenuous workout, texts Carrie about wanting to drive to the Hamptons tonight, then turns on the shower. In the process, he suffers a sudden chest pain, drops his phone, and slinks onto the wet floor as he clutches his chest and stares despondently into space. Lily, meanwhile, has finished her performance and gets some well-earned, enthusiastic applause.
Carrie tells Stanny she can't go out for a drink with him 'cause she and Big have plans to drive to the Hamptons this evening.
Carrie arrives home and finds Big slumped against the shower, his face contorted into a weak 'help me' expression. She responds by standing across the room and staring at him in horror for what seems like a very loooong time in lieu of racing over to her phone and calling 911...then finally kicks herself into motion and shrieks, "Johhhhhhn!!" while running over to him and tightly cradling him in her arms as he quietly suffocates on her hair and succumbs to the sweet release of death.