Recap: Che is performing on an outdoor stage to a crowd of woke New Yorkers, yammering about the importance of living one's truth and not hiding from one's true self, yada yada.. Miranda is in the crowd, cheering and nodding approvingly - until she glances around and happens to notice that Brady and Luisa are also at the rally, applauding Che's performance from several feet away. She's all, "Ack!" and quietly tiptoes off - just as Che is bellowing, "Hiding is soooo five years ago!" while noticing that Miranda is slinking off. They respond by shrieking, "Hiding takes away the bright light that you are! Fuck that shade and shine!" ... and their loyal followers enthusiastically clap while music starts up as they (they meaning Che) stare curiously at Miranda as she skitters off. In the next scene, Miranda returns with two coffees...and when Che asks whassup with the skulking away, Miranda explains that she spotted her son in the crowd and didn't want him to see her interacting with her new lover 'cause he currently has no idea his mother is suddenly into women and/or is cheating on his father. Che stares back at her in stunned bewilderment and says they somehow just leapt to the conclusion that Miranda's husband and teenage son were fully aware that the marriage was an open one, and Miranda refrains from remarking on what a crazy nutty assumption that is and points out that she never said she was in an open marriage. Che nonsensically rejoins, "You never said you weren't" and calls her out on behaving as though she were in an open marriage, even though the likeliest explanation is that this shithead has been sneaking around behind her husband's back, moron. Miranda sheepishly says she didn't want to spoil their orgasmic fun by mentioning that Steve has no idea any of it has been going on, and Che chides Miranda for putting herself out there in the first place and angrily declares that they're not a home wrecker. A crushed looking Miranda retorts that her home is already wrecked - but Che makes it clear that they're no longer willing to continue on with their finger banging and whatnot until she sorts out her marital situation.
Carrie is in the process of cataloguing and packing up her fugly wardrobe to put into storage (hopefully never to be seen again) when Seema drops by. She stares at the racks of '80s and '90s skankwear and coos, "OMG, it's like a Barney's warehouse sale!" As the two eat sushi and gabble, Carrie suddenly says she absolutely neeeeeeds to show her her "pride and joy", then rushes over to her closet and drags over the insanely voluminous feathery green gown she wore during Part 1 of the Sex and the City finale...at which Seema cries, "No! No! Noooooo!", then mutely stares in bewilderment at the monstrosity before asking, "What the fuck am I looking at?" [LOL. Watching the great Sarita Choudhury is truly the only good thing about this wretched reboot.] Carrie tells her it's a Versace concoction she's only ever worn twice: once in Paris while she was wistfully waiting for Misha to take her out on the town (but then didn't 'cause he was a neglectful bum of a boyfriend), and once while she sat by her living room window eating Jiffy Pop. Seema pulls out a cigarette - but Carrie stops her from lighting up and says she can't permit her to smoke near the clothes 'cause she no longer wants them tainted by the stench of cigarettes. She further explains that whenever she feels like lighting up, she does so while outside and donning a shapeless coat, a kerchief atop her head, and rubber gloves on her hands. That said, she offers to keep Seema company while she smokes on her building's front stoop - but then pokes her head out the window and notices that her hip, young downstairs neighbor and some guy are currently occupying the stoop. As the two stare down at the youngsters, Carrie wonders aloud how such a young woman can afford the ginormous apartment on the first floor...and says this as though her ability to afford an Upper East Side apartment while working as a raunch columnist throughout six seasons of Sex and the City wasn't equally as implausible. At 2:30am, when the stoop crowd has grown larger and noisier, Carrie calls Jackie to ask him if there's any cool way to tell a bunch of young-uns to keep the noise level down...and Jackie says there's really no way to accomplish this if she doesn't want to be nicknamed The Wicked Witch of the East Side. [Given the general lack of shyness among New Yorkers, I find it impossible to believe that no one within hearing range of the ruckus hasn't already yelled at the inconsiderate shits to shut the fuck up, given that it's the middle of the night.] Hours later, Carrie finally gets fed up enough to poke her head out of the window and yell, "Come on!" ... and the young-uns sheepishly retort, "Sorry, ma'am." Charlotte is in the bathroom with Harry, chiding him for not wearing the new fitness ring she bought for him so that he doesn't keel over from an unexpected heart attack like Big suffered. After hemming and hawing for a few seconds, Harry agrees to allow Charlotte to slip the fitness ring onto his finger...then saucily asks her, as long she's on her knees in front of his crotch, if she wouldn't mind greasing his weasel. Charlotte chuckles and says she'd be more than happy to oblige - just as Lily unexpectedly appears in the doorway of the bathroom. Charlotte panics and slams the door in her face, then rushes out and fibs to her daughter that she was just examining her daddy's pecker for cancer.
Carrie's young neighbor, Lisette, drops by Carrie's apartment to apologize on behalf of herself and her noisy friends for disturbing the peace last night, and Carrie breezily says it's no problem, and that she purely needed the peace and quiet 'cause she's a raunch writer who does her best work at night. After Lisette scampers off, Carrie catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and looks mortified when she realizes she had a mud mask on her face during the entire neighbor-to-neighbor interaction. While out for lunch with Carrie and Charlotte, Miranda breaks the news that she's dumping Steve tonight 'cause she's finally been shamed into the realization that it's not fair to him that she's been clandestinely hitting the sheets with Che. Charlotte tightly replies, "I guess you know what you're doing" ... and when Miranda asks her if she was being judgey just now, Charlotte insists that she wasn't "throwing shade" (an expression she picked up from her daughters) and that she figures 'it's your life; what the hell do I care what you do?' Charlotte then changes the subject to Lily almost walking in on her as she was about to blow Harry...and adds that she panicked, slammed the door in Lily's face, and told her she was examining her father's penis for any visible signs of cancer. Carrie and Miranda stare back at her incredulously and are all, "You still blow Harry?!" and Charlotte nods happily and says that, yep, she does...and that she doesn't want her kids to be all uptight about sex the way she was while growing up - but also doesn't want to traumatize them by the sight of their mother knob-gobbling. Carrie urges her to talk to Lily in an age appropriate way about how mommies sometimes like to fellate daddies, and Charlotte says she definitely likes the sound of a mother-daughter lunch to give Lily a general blow-by-blow about blow jobs. While strolling the city, Carrie tells Miranda she wants to buy her hip, young neighbor some brownies as a way of apologizing for her uncoolness in yelling 'come on!' out the window the other night...and the two wander into Fat Witch to browse the selection of yummy looking sweets. Miranda says she's debating whether or not to mention Che to Steve while she torches their marriage, and Carrie gently asks how sure she is that Che likes her as much as she likes them...and Miranda chews on that yet unanswered question as she stares contemplatively into space. Carrie stops by Lisette's place to deliver the box of brownies she just bought at Fat Witch and is greeted by her vacuous but buff, towel clad boyfriend. Carrie explains to the mimbo that she's the upstairs neighbor and stopped by with a little treat for Lisette, and Mimbo responds by rudely declining the brownies 'cause neither he nor Lisette eats sugar. He then "accidentally" drops the towel and exposes his naughties, prompting Carrie to flee up the staircase while he mutters, "Sorry about that, ma'am." Miranda waits on a Midtown street for Che to emerge from Podcast Headquarters...and Che looks less than thrilled to see her and grunts that they're about to jet off to Cleveland to perform a non-binary-centric schtick for any interested Midwesterners. Miranda says she has but one question: is she crazy and making up the giant feelings she's developed for them ever since the first finger banging? Che assures Miranda that they too are in love with her and want them to be together, but can't promise anything within the realm of traditional. Miranda cries, "Great!", assures Che she's A-OK with not having a traditional whatever-the-fuck kind of hook-up is in store, and giddily promises to dump Steve pronto so that they can officially couple up. Charlotte takes Lily to a fancy restaurant to discuss her blowing of Harry - but that conversation gets derailed when Lily's phone lights up with a notification of a like to her Instagram selfie in skimpy workout clothes. As an appalled Charlotte snoops through her daughter's phone, she asks her if this is a secret Instagram account...and Lily gets angry about the inquisition and storms out of the restaurant.
Charlotte calls Carrie to ask if, per chance, Lily is at her apartment, and Carrie says she is, and that she's helping catalogue her wardrobe - just as Lily tells Carrie she really really wants to sleep over at her place tonight so she can continue avoiding her mother. Carrie relocates to the bathroom for privacy and tells Charlotte she doesn't think Lily's Instagram workout wear photo is all that bad (especially when comparing the outfit to all the skankwear the poor kid is currently cataloguing) and points out that she's a teenager who's just trying to figure herself out. Charlotte wails about the loss of her daughter's innocence, then says it's probably a good thing for all concerned that she sleep over at Carrie's tonight. Hours later, Carrie wakes up to the sound of blaring music coming from Lisette's apartment. So much for her promise of no further ruckus. Carrie tiptoes downstairs, finds Lisette's door ajar, and wanders into the apartment where Lisette is passed out on the couch. Carrie lowers the volume of the music, then happens to notice an unopened package sitting on the cabinet that's addressed to Lisette Alee. The next day, Carrie is wandering the streets in her outdoor smoking attire - kerchief atop head, rubber gloves, shapeless coat - while talking on the phone to Seema. She reports that she just learned her neighbor is a hip, successful jewelry designer from California...and based on what she recently read about her in Vulture, recently moved to New York for its energy and inspiration. She tells Seema she'd like to be a hip, older friend of Lisette's as opposed to being regarded as the crazy old lady who lives upstairs - just as she returns to her building in her unsightly garb and runs into Lisette on her way out. Womp womp! Charlotte enters Lily's bedroom to 1) express surprise about her expressing herself by taking selfies in skimpy workout wear, and 2) resume the 'I sometimes blow your father' talk that got cut short at the restaurant. She asks Lily if she has any follow-up questions about delicate topic #2, and Lily responds by asking her if she found any cancer while examining her dad's schlong and Charlotte [looks pleasantly surprised that Lily is pretending to have bought that nonsense and] assures her she didn't. Miranda enters the living room, where Steve is watching sports, and asks him to put in both hearing aids so she doesn't have to be screaming "I'm leaving you!" into his good ear. She seats herself next to him and says she still loves him, and he looks suitably alarmed by that and jokingly asks if she's about to ask him for a divorce. Miranda's like, "Uh, d'yuh" and tells him she can't continue in this dull-as-fuck marriage a minute longer 'cause she wants "more everything": connection, energy, sex. She asks him if he's happy, then motions around the living room and snidely asks if this is enough for him, and he's like, "Yeah, kinda" and defeatedly asks her if she's really, truly, for sure leaving him. Miranda makes it clear that, yes, this is really happening...and Steve deflates further as he recalls the various times she's made him feel as though he was never enough, and that he's reacted to her generally shabby treatment of him by rallying to get them through those dark places - until they've finally come to a point where their relationship isn't such an obnoxious rollercoaster. He tells her he likes that they each go off and do their stuff during the day, then reconvene at night and chat about Brady, eat dessert, and watch TV together. He describes this dull-but-comfortable pattern as typical married life - but Miranda shakes her head and says she no longer wants to stay imprisoned in that rut and assures him she really, truly, for sure doesn't want him to rally for them to stay married anymore. Steve mulls that over, says he just wants her to be happy, then asks her what she thinks is out there that's so much better than him. Miranda decides 'why not shatter his heart all the way?' and tells him she's met someone, and he stares back at her with an anguished expression on his face.
Miranda calls Carrie to report that she just dropped the bomb on Steve about wanting a divorce pronto, told him about her hookup with Che, then jumped into a cab to fly to Cleveland to surprise Che to let them know they can be together. She fuckwittedly squeals, "OMG, I'm in a rom-com, Carrie!" *&!%$ I guess one woman's rom-com is another woman's horror show. Carrie is heading down the stairs of her building when she witnesses a nasty fight between Lisette and her mimbo, who she accuses of sleeping with every woman she knows in New York. After he dismissively accuses her of acting like "a fucking out-of-towner" and storms out, a tearful Lisette spots Carrie lurking on the staircase and moans about how mortified she is that she had to see that, then calls herself an asshole for dating such a philandering bonehead. Carrie breezily assures her it's fine, then shrugs and says it's all part of dating in the Big Apple. Lisette manages a smile, thanks her for the kind words, and calls her cool. That evening, Carrie puts on the insanely voluminous feathery green gown she wore that one time in Paris, then sits by her living room window and eats Jiffy Pop while voice-overing that she's decided to never ever put this ridiculously gargantuan frock into storage, however little space it might leave for other, more practically sized outfits. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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