The Facts of Life - Season 8, Episode 17

"I'm so desperate for a boyfriend that I'm fine with being just another woman on your dance card."

"Cupid's Revenge"
Original airdate: 2/14/1987

Episode summary: The Facts gals are reunited with ex-beaus/admirers on Valentine's Day.

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Recap: Beverly Ann, Andy, and the Facts gals are in Over Our Heads, putting out tacky Valentine's Day inventory and chatting about the upcoming dance. Blair announces that her date for the evening will be her latest squeeze, Fletcher, while everyone else mumbles that they don't have dates and will most likely skip the dance. 

Beverly Anne's beau, Oliver, arrives at the store for a lunch date...and Tootie gets all in his bidness and unsubtly hints that he really really needs to ask Beverly Ann to the Valentine's Day dance or else. 

Natalie pulls a Cupid statue out of one the boxes and wonders aloud what the thing is doing here since none of them ordered a Cupid. Jo suggests sending it back to where it came from - but Beverly Ann advises against that and proposes they keep it around for the duration of the episode in case the sting of its arrow results in bringing one or more of them true love. A few seconds later, Oliver dutifully invites Beverly Ann to attend the Valentine's Day dance with him, and she happily accepts before the two head off on their lunch date. Tootie takes that interaction as a sign that Cupid is working its magic - but Jo grumpily insists it's a myth, then ambles off to fix her motorcycle.

Cliff - Blair's ex-beau last seen in the Dream Marriage episode - drops by for a surprise visit, and Blair's all, "Wha-a-a-at are you doing here?" before happily hugging him and steering him into the living room so they can get caught up on their lives.  

Cliff tells Blair that he's about to graduate from medical school and is now on the hunt for an internship in an east coast hospital. Blair gazes at him lovingly and asks him if he'd like to stay for dinner, but he's forced to decline 'cause he has to catch a train to New York for an interview. He then brings up the Valentine's Day dance at Langley and wistfully assumes she already has a date lined up, and she blushingly confirms that, yep, there's definitely a long line of guys eager to experience the privilege of dating her. 

"I'm very busy interviewing for internships at hospitals on the east coast."

"I'd much rather you spent your time fawning over my gorgeousness."

Jo returns home, says hey to Cliff...and offers to give him a lift to the train station when she hears that he needs to catch a train to New York. Cliff then returns his attention to Blair to wank her about how lucky he was to have dated such a beautiful, doe-eyed cherub, promises to call her before returning to Houston, and leans in for a tender goodbye smooch. 

Natalie tries to get Blair to admit that her naughty parts tingled when she was reunited with Cliff, but Blair adamantly insists that she and Cliff are history and that Fletcher is "the man of the hour". Tootie, meanwhile, reads aloud from a book detailing Cupid's abundant romantic powers, which Natalie dismissively says can be explained away as the positive vibes people give off to prospective mates in their orbit. 

Tootie gets a call from her ex-boyfriend Jeff, last seen in the My Boyfriend's Back episode, to announce that he too is about to make a guest appearance. Tootie squeals happily about reuniting with her former illiterate beau after a two year absence and announces that she's going to ask him to go to the dance with her...and a curmudgeonly Jo refuses to believe that this is, in any way, related to Cupid's abundant romantic powers. 

Jo answers the door to a man wearing a Gorilla suit, who's been directed to deliver a banana-gram to Natalie. He sings a love long to her, courtesy of Snake, who offers to escort her to the Valentine's Day dance...and in response Natalie squeals happily. A few seconds later, the gorilla head is removed - and Jo is stunned to see that the mystery banana-gram deliverer is none other than Roy, I think last seen in the Different Drummer episode. He informs Jo that he's now the proud owner of a lucrative banana-gram business (you heard me), is ready to take the next step in life, and to that end wants to rekindle their romance so that he can share his burgeoning empire with her. Jo points out that they never actually had a romance, makes it clear that she has zero interest in hooking up with him in any capacity, and gives him the bum's rush out the door.

"I want to share my banana-gram empire with you."

"I'm going to have to laughingly decline."

An alarmed looking Tootie looks around for the Cupid statue, which appears to have gone missing, and worriedly says that its absence doesn't bode well for the karma surrounding their romantic prospects. A few seconds later, Beverly Ann storms into the room, raging about how Oliver is stepping out with another woman who he was spotted kissing. 

Cliff drops by a second time to ask Jo if she'd be interested in going to the Valentine's Day dance with him. Jo mulls over that interesting invitation before she decides she likes the idea of sticking it to Blair and accepts.

In the next scene, Blair's all, "The fuck?!" when she learns about Jo and Cliff going to the dance together. Jo reminds her that she was pretty adamant about her and Cliff being dunzo, and Blair shoots her an incredulous glare while snapping, "And you thought I meant that?" She reminds Jo that Cliff proposed marriage - marriage! - to her, and Jo wryly points out that in response she turned him down...and then promptly embarked on a dating frenzy with every Biff, Tad, and Fletcher. Jo then offers to cancel on Cliff, but Blair passively-aggressively says not to cancel on her account - but that if she does go to the dance with Cliff, she'll never speak to her again. 
 
Beverly Ann continues to rant and rave about Oliver's infidelity, and reveals that she left an angry message on his answering machine.

When Jeff arrives, Tootie gives him a happy hug and steers him over to the couch so they can get caught up. Jeff makes a point of telling her that he's not currently dating anyone, feels bad about his 'hell no!' reaction when she offered up her virginity in Season 6, and that his newest passion in life is marine biology. Um, OK..? Tootie's like, "I couldn't possibly care any less about your life" and excitedly gabbles about her grinding quest to be an actress...and soon the two are staring blankly at each other, forced to admit that they're once again at different places in their lives. Jeff glumly says he was hoping they'd have more in common, then gets up and dejectedly shuffles off. 

"I'm suddenly passionate about marine biology."

"I don't see what that has to do with my budding acting career."

Blair rails to Natalie about Jo's betrayal in trying to steal her boyfriend, but Natalie points out that Cliff isn't her boyfriend...and that clearly she still has unresolved feelings for him, much like the situation with herself and Snake. Blair chuckles and condescendingly tells Natalie that she can't possibly compare her fictional relationship to a non-existent reptile-person to her near engagement with Cliff...and Natalie gets visibly annoyed by the accusation that she made up the whole 'I have a boyfriend named Snake' thing.

Andy brings back the Cupid statue after borrowing it to see if he could get lucky, and complains that the thing sucks 'cause its romantic powers resulted in toooo many girls simultaneously going ga-ga over him. Sure, Andy. That sounds completely plausible.

Oliver arrives to pick up Beverly Ann for another lunch date, and she serenely enters the room to calmly inform him that, upon reflection, she's decided it's A-OK with her if he wants to see other women. Oliver perks up at that prospect and says that that sounds good to him, and assures her he's still fine with escorting her to the Valentine's Day dance. Beverly Ann says she's surprised he'd be willing to do that, given the tongue-lashing she left on his answering machine. A perplexed Oliver says he hasn't been home to hear his messages 'cause he was out having lunch with his sister...and a sheepish Beverly Ann's like, "Your sister?" and asks if she's an attractive woman. Oliver just kind of shrugs and replies, "Uh, yeah..?", then confirms their plans to attend the dance together. As they head out, Beverly Ann warns him that a deranged woman has been impersonating her and leaving really hostile phone messages on random people's machines. LOL.

Blair and Natalie urge Tootie, who's moping in the living room in her nightie, to come to the Valentine's Day dance with them - but she refuses to go stag. Blair tells her to just invent a boyfriend - like the way Natalie did - just as Jeff arrives for a follow-up visit. He tells Tootie that he snuck in on her theater rehearsal this afternoon and was deeply impressed by her acting talent...and Tootie looks pleased at the wankery and happily accepts his invitation to attend the dance. 

Fletcher calls to cancel on Blair 'cause his great uncle in Palm Beach is ill...and he needs to rush to his side so that he stays in the will. A few seconds later, Oliver arrives to escort Beverly Ann to the dance, and she makes a grand entrance, sweeping down the stairs in a sexy, tight-fitting red dress. Cliff arrives to escort Jo - but first gets drawn into a conversation with Blair about how it's probably all for the best that she turned down his marriage proposal, given that he wouldn't have been able to spend any time with her while he was busy training to be a doctor. Jo eavesdrops from the second floor landing, then ambles downstairs looking visibly pensive - just as Roy happens to drop by. Jo pulls him inside, tells Cliff she just remembered she had agreed to attend the dance with Roy, and a confused but delighted Roy's all, "You did?" Jo then suggests the four of them attend the dance together as a friendly foursome, and Blair shoots her a grateful smile and orders Roy to take good care of her bestie. 

Natalie tells everyone she'll catch up to them 'cause she's still waiting on Snake to pick her up. Blair rolls her eyes skeptically and is all, "Have fun waiting for your imaginary boyfriend" before heading out.  A few seconds later, a car horn summons Natalie off camera, and she stares out at the live studio audience and chirps, "You'll just have to take my word for it!" before dashing out.

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