The Facts of Life - Season 5, Episode 20

"We vow to still be living under the same roof together in 2000...and to still be starring on The Facts of Life, in its twenty-first season".

"Dream Marriage"
Original airdate: 2/22/1984

Episode summary: After Cliff proposes, Blair dreams of what her life will be like in the year 2000...and pretty much gets every prediction about life in 2000 wrong.

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Recap: Blair is cleaning up the residence part of Edna's Edibles with dirt strategically smudged across her face when Cliff drops by to excitedly tell her that he got into a [hospital] internship program in Dallas. Blair gushes, "That's terrific!" - but then quickly realizes this'll probably be his last Facts of Life appearance. Before she can fully process the implications of a long-distance romance with her stripper boyfriend, Cliff urgently proposes marriage and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Blair looks stunned and remarks on how sudden the proposal is, and that she's going to need ample time to carefully weight the pros and cons regarding this life choice. Cliff says he'll give her until tomorrow morning and that he'll stop by at 7am for an early breakfast. He happily says, "I know your answer will be yes, and that we'll be very very happy" ... and Blair stares after him, her face scrunched contemplatively. 

"I'll give you until tomorrow morning to accept my marriage proposal."

"That doesn't give me enough time to look into whether or not there's a better, richer alternative I should be sinking my hooks into."

Blair heads upstairs to bed after discussing Cliff's marriage proposal over the phone with her mom. Natalie announces that she's working on a time capsule for the year 2000, then sticks a tape recorder microphone into everyone's face and asks them to describe what they think their lives will be like, sixteen years from now. Tootie says she fully expects to be "the first lady of Broadway", while Blair just shrugs and assumes she'll be very very happy being married to Cliff, then reminds the gals that she really only pretended to have career aspirations until suitable husband material came along. Heh. Jo chides her for not having bigger ambitions in life and says that any of them can be anything they want, even president. Mrs. Garrett barges in to nosily ask whassup, and Natalie tells her they're imagining what they're lives will be like in the new millennium, then makes everyone stand in a circle, touch hands, and pledge that they'll all meet up at Edna's Edibles on January 1, 2000 to start off the new century together. Which shouldn't be too hard, given that they'll probably all still be living under the same roof. Afterwards, Mrs. Garrett turns the lights off, and the four lumber into bed and immediately drift off to sleep. 

Blair wakes up in the year 2000 and arrives at Edna's Edibles, the decor of which is a whole lot more beige than it was in the '80s. She grins when she sees a plate of Mrs. Garrett's trademark quiche and croissants on the counter and helps herself - but is quickly admonished from a five foot version of an Amazon Alexa, warning her that shoplifters will be prosecuted. Mrs. Garrett breezes into the shop, not looking a day older than she did in 1984 and decked out in a creme colored blouse and skirt. When Blair robotically chirps that she's "very very happy" with Dr. Cliff in Dallas, Mrs. Garrett excitedly tells Blair that Edna's Edibles has become so successful that she now sells food all over the world and (weirdly) also runs an advice helpline, solo, on the side. She says her company is headquartered in Peekskill - as is evidenced by the huge, '70s style mission control dashboard (with a phone receiver and lots of buttons and switches...but no monitor, interestingly) she keeps positioned in front of a giant world map that's propped up against the wall. 

"Welcome to mission control at Edna's Edibles in the new millennium!"

"Isn't it Interesting how technology over the last decade or so seems to have rapidly regressed?"

Natalie, attired in a poncho and sporting a long fake braid, arrives with Tootie, who has a thick coat draped across her shoulders now that she's become the toast of Broadway (while still sporting the braces she had on in 1984). They greet Blair and Mrs. Garrett and mention that Jo will be stopping by a bit later...and when Blair asks them what Jo's up to these days, Mrs. Garrett devilishly says she'll be very surprised when that tidbit is dramatically revealed.

​Natalie gabbles about how she's now a successful author and lives on a New Mexico mountaintop with her husband Paul and their seven kids, then whips out a chunky mobile gizmo [roughly the size of twenty iPhones] to show Blair a series of electronic photos of her family. As Mrs. Garrett answers a helpline question from Uganda, Natalie gives Blair a copy of her newest novel on a new-fangled floppy disk (!) and asks what's new in her life...and Blair just parrots, "I'm very very happy."

Jo arrives at the shop via rocket-copter (?) and saunters in wearing a crisp white suit, carrying a briefcase, and sporting an ultra fluffy 'do that the Facts stylists must have figured would be all the rage in 2000. She gives everyone a hello hug and reveals to the audience that she's the president of Warner Industries, and that this New Year's Day she's taking a short break from launching various takeovers. Blair nods approvingly, repeats, "I'm very very happy", and suggests they all spend the night together in their old bedroom and talk about old times. Jo declines 'cause she's too busy being a successful businesswoman, while Tootie says she can't possibly stay for a sleepover 'cause she's performing at the White House this evening. Blair perks up at that and asks if she could tag along and help with the set design, like she did during Season 3's Green-Eyed Monster episode. She whips out her Eastland sketchbook and shows Tootie a sample of her high school level creativity, but Tootie shakes her head grimly and says that because she hasn't spent any time over the last sixteen years developing her talent, it's too late. Blair begs Mrs. Garrett to hire her back at Edna's Edibles, but when the decision to approve her qualifications is put to the giant Alexa, it spits back, "Negative. It's too late." As the Facts gals crowd around her and chant, "It's too late!", Blair wakes up to present day 1984, where Jo is telling her to get up if she doesn't want to be late for her breakfast with Cliff. 

​Blair is visibly relieved to be back to the '80s, and gushes to the Facts gals about how wonderfully successful they're all going to be in the new millennium. She then snarls at Jo to stay away from her father's company...and Jo's like, "Er, OK..?" as she scrunches her face confusedly.

After a long, hot smooch, Blair explains to Cliff that she's turning down his marriage proposal 'cause of the disturbing dream she just had that emphasized how clueless she is about who she is and what she wants out of life...and figures she'd make a pretty shitty wife  if she doesn't truly know herself. Cliff complains that he's going to be very lonely in Dallas, but Blair assures him she'll write and call frequently and that they're definitely still a couple (for the moment). Cliff seems satisfied enough with that, then checks his watch and says it might be too late to go out for breakfast - but Blair cries, "Stop saying it's too late!" and dashes with him out the door.

"I figure I could do a whole lot better than tie myself down to a doctor-stripper."

"I will take this response to the general idea of marrying me as a hard no."

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