The Facts of Life - Season 6, Episode 4

"I have no choice but to become the loose sexpot Jeff expects me to be."

"My Boyfriend's Back"
Original airdate: 10/24/1984

Episode summary: Tootie assumes she has to put out for her boyfriend Jeff, who's now a literate college man.

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Recap: Mrs. Garrett bustles into the store carrying a tray of freshly baked croissants for a hungry crowd of coupon clutching customers, who are rudely demanding their free croissant. When the entire croissant batch get wolfed down as if these people haven't eaten for a week, Mrs. Garrett shrieks that she's officially out of pastry, but that whoever didn't get a croissant can come back tomorrow (Sunday). Natalie and Blair groan at the thought of having to work on a Sunday to feed a bunch of surly freeloaders without Jo's help [who we're told had to rush to the Bronx to tend to her ma after she broke her arm], and Mrs. Garrett sheepishly tells them she thought for sure that people getting a free croissant would buy other stuff while they were in the store. Tootie announces that she's off to meet up with her boyfriend Jeff who's in town this weekend [reminder: he was once illiterate but rapidly learned how to read before getting admitted to college] ... and when Jeff suddenly appears outside the door with a bouquet of flowers, she's like, "Ack!" and runs upstairs to beautify herself. Blair offers to keep Jeff company until Tootie re-emerges, and remarks on how muscular his biceps have gotten. He tells her he's looooving Penn State, especially the no rules college lifestyle.

Jeff's college buddy Rich and his girlfriend Ellen arrive at Edna's Edibles to kick off an ill-fated double date with Jeff and Tootie. Ellen recognizes Blair from her European history class, then directs her attention back to Rich and starts smooching him intensely. The two moan about how it's been three looooooong months since they've seen each other...and apparently feel the need to make up for lost time by sticking their tongues down each other's throat in front of a complete stranger.

Freshly beautified and adorned in a long gold chain that Jeff once gifted her, Tootie runs downstairs and gives her boyfriend a happy hello hug...then marvels at his muscular physique. Jeff introduces her to Rich and Ellen - and when an amused looking Ellen asks what the hell kind of name Tootie is (bwahahaha!), Tootie explains that it's short for Dorothy. Ellen mulls over that nonsensical connection, then shrugs indifferently while chirping, "Cute." The four settle onto the couches, where Jeff natters about the stress of having to decide what his major is going to be so he can one day graduate. Tootie asks what the big deal is, 'cause she figures that college should be strictly about having fun. Rich laughs in his condescending 'I'm soooo savvy about how the world works now that I've been in college for the last three months' manner, then replies, "I thought so too when I was in high school" and the four shift awkwardly as they contemplate the vast, one year age difference between the three of them and Tootie. The four decide to get their double date going, and Ellen suggests dinner and a movie. Rich is all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and says he thought they were going to a dance club, and Jeff subtly motions to Tootie and says they can do that another time. When Rich is still all, "Wha-a-a-a? But I want to go dancing tonight!", Ellen has to come right out and tell her boneheaded boyfriend that Tootie is under eighteen and therefore too young to be admitted into the clubs. Rich goes, "Ooooh..." and scrunches his face with an unmistakable look of disappointment on his face as the four head out for a forcibly wholesome night on the town.

"I thought college was all about parties and having fun."

"I too had that opinion when I was a naive, bright-eyed young adult."

When Jeff brings Tootie home after the date, she tells him she had a nice time with Rich and Ellen...despite them being snootily condescending about her being younger than them. She complains that she had nothing to add to the conversation, and Jeff unhelpfully concurs that, nope, she has absolutely nothing, zip, nada in common with those two. He suggests they meet up for brunch at 11am tomorrow, just the two of them, and Tootie says she likes the sound of that. He gives her a chaste kiss goodnight, stares morosely into space for a few seconds, then opens the door and heads out...leaving Tootie staring after him worriedly.

Upstairs in the communal bedroom, Blair begs Natalie to turn the lights off so she can get enough sleep to deal with the Sunday rush of croissant freeloaders...so Natalie finally finishes brushing her teeth, shuts the lights off, and climbs into bed. When Tootie enters the room a few seconds later, Natalie turns the lights back and asks her how the double date went. Tootie glumly says lousy and that they can talk about it in the morning, then turns the lights off. A few seconds later, Tootie turns the lights back on and whines about how shittily Rich and Ellen treated her all evening, and that it seemed to go unnoticed by Jeff. Natalie asks her where Jeff is staying while he's in town, so Tootie says he's bunking with Jeff in Ellen's dorm room while she sleeps elsewhere...and Blair chimes in to say she doesn't buy that for a second, and is pretty sure Rich is shacking up with Ellen so they can romp undisturbed. As Tootie looks a combination of intrigued and dismayed, Natalie gets all wide-eyed and goes, "Wuh? Really? They're allowed to do that??!!" and Blair's like, "They're not allowed - they just do" and says that college roommates with sex on the agenda usually work stuff like that out ahead of time. 

"My best guess is that Rich is staying somewhere with Ellen so he can tap that all weekend."

"OMG! Is there a housemother we should be ratting them out to?"

Tootie is too troubled about her relationship with Jeff to sleep, and at 3:00am she sits at the foot of Natalie's bed and stares contemplatively into space until Natalie senses her presence and asks her whassup with her being awake in the middle of the night. Tootie laments how her relationship with Jeff is still very "high school" even though he's in college now, and that she's going to have to put out...like, for example, the way Ellen does for Rich. Natalie says she's shocked she'd even suggest something so lascivious and urges her to not make a major life decision - at least until she thinks about it some more in the light of day.

​The next morning, Edna's Edibles is abuzz with more coupon clutching customers demanding their free croissant. Blair takes it upon herself to speed up the process of croissant making by nuking them in the microwave...and, to Mrs. Garrett's surprise, the customers don't seem to notice the difference between freshly baked and nuked croissants.

Jeff is putting on his sweats to go out for a run when Tootie stops by the dorm...and he says he's surprised that she's here so much earlier than the agreed upon 11:00am meeting time. She closes the door and blurts out, "I love you! And if you want us to sleep together, it's A-OK with me." Jeff gives her a funny look and asks her why she's suddenly talking about sex, so she explains that now that he's a college man, she gets that their relationship has to move on to the 'between the sheets' phase. Jeff makes an ew face at that prospect and tells her that the two of them doinking isn't going to fix what's wrong...and by wrong, he means he's quickly outgrown their G rated relationship now that he's at Penn State and mingling with a more sophisticated crowd than he was hanging with in Peekskill. He half-heartedly says he's still game to have brunch with her, but Tootie shakes her head sadly and says she'd rather he go on his run so she can sadly leave behind the long gold chain he gave her and then shuffle out of the dorm room dejectedly.

"Do you want to do the horizontal mambo?"

"Hellllll no."

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