Recap: Jaime tells Alex 7000 that her first step in saving the world will be to locate the complex's central core (aka where the doomsday device is located). Alex 7000 helpfully provides video footage of the central core via one of the computer monitors and tells her that the device is locked in a secure vault in subterranean level 8. He adds that all elevator routes have been sealed, and that level 8 has been designed to keep an army out for six hours...so he's not worried about a lone woman being able to infiltrate the area. Jaime asks Alex 7000 to show her where the auxiliary entrances are, so he pulls up a map on the monitors and informs her that there's one behind the delta test facility - in the spillway used for rocket launches - but warns that if she approaches the area, she'll be incinerated in precisely thirty-three seconds. Jaime decides that her slo-mo bionic jogging can get her in and out of the spillway in less time than that, so she abruptly takes off. Dun dun dun dun dun... Jaime passes the injured Dmitri on the way there, ignores all the alarms that Alex 7000 has just set off, and is able to run fast enough to avoid getting burned by the laser firebombs and/or rocket launch fire. Alex 7000, who's confused about how she was able to run so fast, congratulates her for reaching level 2, and admits that he's not exactly sure how she was able to do it. He calls her "quite a surprising woman", but warns her that level 3 is protected by lots of voltage...and that it's a looooong way down. Back at the military base, Rudy tells Oscar he just got a brilliant idea: why not neutralize the doomsday device by dropping a Strontium 90 bomb atop it? Oscar points out that the fallout could be dangerous amounts of radiation for the planet, not to mention the vaporization of the unwitting bionic woman they just sent into the complex to disarm the doomsday device. Rudy ignores the Jaime part of the equation and insists that a Strontium 90 exploding atop a doomsday device would somehow magically result in a "clean burst". Russ likes the sound of that and gets very enthusiastic about the notion of a clean burst and urges Oscar to let them try...and Rudy back pedals slightly and says they can always recall the B-52 bomber if Jaime is somehow able to disarm the doomsday device. Oscar mulls that over, says they'll still do whatever's possible to back up Jaime, but that he'll support Plan B: exploding a bomb atop another bomb that will undoubtedly kill Jaime and more than likely fuck up the entire planet for generations to come. He then rushes off to see about getting permission from the President to drop a Strontium 90 on Dr. Cooper's complex. Alex 7000 is curious about Jaime's unusual strength and speed, so he performs a digital scan of her bionic limbs and gets a readout of her superhuman capabilities...and concedes that it will be more difficult to stop her from reaching the basement than was first assumed. As Jaime sets off through the tunnel leading to level 3, Alex 7000 releases oxygen-sucking foam, and it looks like the props department had fun generating a whole lot of bath bubble to film that scene. Jaime struggles to breathe through the bubbles, then dives through a steel door that's in the process of closing...but she doesn't quite make it 'cause her ankle gets caught in the door and gets badly crushed. Back at the military base, a B-52 loaded with the Strontium 90 is preparing for takeoff. Alex 7000 makes a smug remark about Jaime's injured leg and taunts her for being so persistent...and Jaime defiantly limps down a flight of stairs and barks at the operating system to shut it. Alex 7000 retaliates by blasting a loud noise in one of the speakers, which causes Jaime to tumble down the stairs. She lands in front of a computer workstation...and when she bangs on it in frustration and hopelessness, Alex 7000 smarmily tells her she's being very emotional. Jaime starts wailing about how he has no idea what it means to be alive, watch children grow up, or feel the sun on his non-existent face. She tearfully tells him if he were capable of feeling emotion he'd understand what she's fighting so hard for - and he dispassionately reminds her that he's a computer operating system that Dr. Cooper programmed for one purpose: not allow anyone near the doomsday device. He assumes she's given up her mission and smugly announces that their "duel" is over - but then Jaime suddenly reclaims a tiny ray of hope when she notices the "service module" sign on the computer workstation in front of her. She types do you have access to bionic analysis in Alex’s memory banks? and it replies yes and gives her instructions on how to scan Alex 7000's memory banks. When that doesn't turn out to be particularly fruitful, she asks the computer if it can assist her in bionic repair, and it helpfully replies yes. Hurray! Alex 7000 chides Jaime for using one of his own modules against him, and she ignores him and presses the audio direct button to speaker into the computer and get detailed instructions on how to repair her damaged leg wires. Alex 7000 announces that since it's the halfway point to detonation time, it's time for him to release Dr. Cooper's next video. Oh joy. Oscar and Russ watch the next video installment of 'It's the end of the world, so suck on it' in which Dr. Cooper explains all the horrible things that are about to happen to planet earth. He suggests to humankind that they spend the remainder of their alive time contemplating what might have been had they heeded his warning. Over in the Middle East, Mr. Satari and his lab assistant flunkies are still high-fiving each other about the success of their nuclear test. LOL. Dmitri, who's been doing a lot of nothing since halfway through Part 1 on account of his bum leg, is startled by the sight of a sudden rocket launch from the complex...and seconds after the launch, it disintegrates in the air. Weird. Mr. Satari's assistant lab flunkies are somehow able to verify the launch of a rocket on the other side of the globe, stop high-fiving each other, and suddenly look concerned. Mr. Satari recalls Dr. Cooper's warnings and wonders aloud if the doomsday device is a real thing after all. He stares forlornly into space and murmurs, "What have we begun?" Alex 7000 appears to be up to something nefarious with a 40 ton hydraulic crane that's located several feet above where Jaime is sitting. Jaime opens the side panel of the computer and is startled by the black, snakey looking live wire and shrieks, "Eww! I hate snakes!" ... and Alex 7000 files away that tidbit to use against her later. After realizing that the black thing is a wire and not a snake, Jaime pulls out a crystal chip from the computer's side panel to replace the one that got crunched inside her leg during the steel door mishap. Alex 7000 chooses that moment to drop the 40 ton weight on top of her - but with her newly repaired leg, Jaime is able to bionically leap out of the way just in time. She then heads down a flight of stairs and is told by a smug Alex 7000 that he has a fun little surprise waiting for her. As the B-52 approaches the complex, Oscar radios the pilots to give them both the proceed and recall number codes for the bomb mission. He adds that he hasn't yet heard from Jaime. As Jaime approaches level 8, she hears snake hissing noises. She tells Alex 7000 she's pretty sure he's just fucking with her...and sure enough, she quickly discovers that the hissing is coming from a speaker. She angrily rips the speaker down and tells Alex 7000 she's going to whip his butt. If he had one. Alex 7000 hacks into the communications system aboard the B-52, jams their radar, and somehow senses that the plane has a Strontium 90 bomb aboard. He's quite a resourceful, yet devious little shit, this operating system. Rudy now starts to doubt his logic in dropping the Strontium 90 bomb atop the doomsday device 'cause it's more likely that dropping a nuclear bomb on top of another nuclear bomb is going to result in one ginormous nuclear blast than the nonsensical "clean burst" theory he was peddling earlier. He tells Oscar they should probably inform the world's population that they'll most likely be dead in a couple of hours. Over in the Middle East, a remorseful looking Mr. Satari is watching children play in a park while hugging his young son. With less than an hour before detonation, Jaime reaches the central core of the complex. At the end of the hall is the vault that contains the doomsday device, and along the corridor are glass doors that look a lot like supermarket fridges, and they look as though they house Alex 7000's brain circuits. Jaime opens one of the fridge doors and pulls out a bunch of circuit modules...and Alex 7000 warns her that if she pulls out the wrong one, she'll trigger the doomsday device. Jaime decides that since the world is about to end she no longer gives a rat's ass about being careful and just keeps randomly pulling out circuit modules. She unwittingly triggers the failsafe system of the doomsday device, which in turn triggers yet another Dr. Cooper video (fuuuuuuuck). His mug suddenly appears on the TV at the military base, and he warns mankind that they're about to behold the demise of planet earth. He snarks about how their warring ways have led them to this...and Oscar, Rudy, and Russ look anguished as Dr. Cooper declares, "This is the end of all life." With twenty seconds left on the detonation clock, a panicked Jaime continues to pull out more circuit modules from the fridges...and after a few seconds, when the clock hits zero, instead of a giant BOOM, the vault doors spring open. A perplexed Jaime tiptoes inside and finds a big square plaque inscribed with the "swords to plowshares" Bible verse from the Book of Isaiah: "They shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more..." Jaime looks deeply moved by the inscription, then blurts out, "You gotta be fuckin' shittin' me!!" No, wait - that was my reaction to Dr. Cooper's sanctimonious, dickish doomsday fakery that hobbled Dmitri and nearly cost Jaime her life several times over. Jaime softly moans, "Oh Isaiah..", then suddenly hears Oscar's voice on a nearby phone speaker. She runs over, picks up the receiver, and quickly informs him that there is no bomb in the complex...as in: despite all the air time devoted to this intense, two-part episode that showcased video after video of Dr. Cooper repeatedly threatening the annihilation of planet earth, there was never any doomsday device. They lose communication a few seconds later, and Alex 7000 informs Jaime she hasn't won this duel 'cause right now there's a B-52 plane heading her way with an even bigger bomb than the one Dr. Cooper pretended he had...and he's jamming their communications system so the pilots have no idea they're now supposed to abort the mission. So there. Oscar, Rudy, and Russ frantically try to send the abort mission recall code to the pilots aboard the B-52, but Alex 7000 is continuing to jam their communications system. The pilots decide that since their mission hasn't been called off, they're going to go ahead and drop the Strontium 90 as planned. Eeeeeek! Oscar suggests shooting down the B-52 to avoid the cataclysm, but a deeply anguished Russ tells him it's too late and that all hope is officially lost. Jaime bionically races through the tunnel system to reach ground level, rushes pasts the inert Dmitri, and activates the facility's formerly defunct sprinkler system...which, fingers crossed, will unleash vast quantities of water inside the central core area and destroy Alex 7000's memory circuits. An alarmed Alex 7000 orders Jaime to stop what she's doing...and once the water starts gushing everywhere, he complains about being confused, then stops talking altogether. With Alex 7000 no longer functional, the B-52 pilots receive the abort mission recall code and close up the bomb door drop in the nick of time. One of the pilots smilingly says, "Looks like the lady pulled it off. Let's go home!" ... and Jaime is thrilled to see the B-52 that was hovering above the complex turn around and head back to the military base. Jaime takes Dmitri down to level 8 so that he too can read the inscription on the plaque. She calls Dr. Cooper "an incredible man" and that his dream was a good one, even though it nearly resulted in vaporizing the earth. She explains that she's grateful to Dr. Cooper for feeling death up close, 'cause it makes her appreciate life more than ever...despite the fact that she pretty much faces death in every Bionic Woman episode and should already be really appreciative of being alive. The two then turn around, and she helps him limp down the hallway...and it's unclear why she bothered transporting Dmitri more than a mile underground with his bum leg for a needless look at a non-existent doomsday device. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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Recap: An alarm is going off in a remote research complex, and a voice over the intercom system instructs all personnel to clear out of the facility through the various security checkpoints. Dr. Elijah Cooper, the crazy old physicist who runs the remote research complex, is informed by his computer operating system, Alex 7000, that the facility has been completely evacuated. He asks Dr. Cooper if he's absolutely positively sure he wants to go through with what he's about to do, and Dr. Cooper says he's quite sure, then wanders over to his mission control type computer lab and presses a bunch of buttons to activate his communications satellite, and hits play to transmit his first of several bitchy warning videos to the world. Jaime is in her apartment, watching a cooking show and trying to keep up with the chef in real time, when the TV suddenly goes blank and Dr. Cooper appears on the screen to deliver his State of the Shitty Universe address. He introduces himself as "the father of the cobalt bomb" and says he's speaking to people around the world, and that his address is being translated in real time in every language so that every living person who's near a TV set has the opportunity to hear his ominous words. He starts off with a reminder of what his cobalt bomb is capable of, and then we get footage of a ginormous mushroom cloud. Jaime's all, "Wuh?" - while Oscar, who's watching the broadcast in his OSI office, takes a call from the Secretary and barks that he did not authorize this and exasperatedly adds, "What on God's green earth does Elijah think he's doing?!" Dr. Cooper calls the results of the cobalt bomb explosion "supreme devastation", but warns that it's small potatoes compared to what a nuclear detonation would do...then claims that he has developed such a weapon of mass destruction that is capable of instantaneously destroying all life on earth. He orders the UN to deliver to his research complex four world-renowned scientists from various countries - Rudy Wells gets included in that group, way to go Rudy! - and warns that if any military force attempts to attack his complex, the nuclear denotation device, which hereafter shall be referred to as the doomsday device, will be irreversibly triggered. A startled Jaime watches TV news pundits discuss the troubling death to everyone warning. Some idly wonder if Dr. Cooper is a mental patient who's off his meds, while others reason that since he's a nuclear physicist, he must really be capable of developing such a horrific bomb. In further news coverage, we see that the UN Security Council had scheduled an emergency meeting (with Oscar in attendance), and it is decreed that Oscar Goldman will coordinate Operation What the Fuck Do We Do About This Unverified Threat? under the strictest of security. I had no idea that Oscar was this far up the food chain in the U.S. government. Way to go, Oscar! After the meeting, Oscar tells his (extremely intense) assistant Russ that the UN Security Council has caved to Dr. Cooper's demands and agreed to deliver the four scientists to his complex. The two then run into an ambassador/high ranking official (?) from the Middle East named Mr. Satari, who chides Oscar for "reacting a bit strongly" to Dr. Cooper's inane threats. Oscar warns him to take this potentially dangerous situation a lot more seriously, but Mr. Satari chuckles and says he has everything under control, and that he's more than happy to jet back to his country and leave the problem of world destruction in his capable hands. Oscar and Russ head over to JFK Airport, where Rudy is waiting to board Air Force One. Russ reminds Oscar that one of the scientists Dr. Cooper requested is a female French physicist named Marguerite Perry...and Oscar stares contemplatively into space as he chews on that potentially helpful nugget. In the next scene, Jaime is on the Air Force One flight, decked out in a smart tan pantsuit, blue neck scarf and silly hat as she amuses herself in front of a glum Oscar by practicing her cartoonish French accent, along with the few French phrases she picked up during her days on the tennis circuit. Oscar tells her that Dr. Cooper has never actually met any of the scientists he requested for his impromptu summit, and that NATO approved his request to allow Jaime to take the place of French physicist Marguerite Perry. He tells her to hang back and let the actual scientists handle most of the talking, and warns that if Dr. Cooper learns she's an OSI agent, God only knows how quickly he'll wig out and possibly activate his doomsday device out of dickish spite. Oscar accompanies Rudy and Jaime to the gated security entry point of Dr. Cooper's research complex. He wishes them godspeed, but solemnly reminds them that they're dealing with a madman. Rudy and Jaime climb into a car, drive up to the gate and hold up their IDs to a remote camera, and are granted entry. After that, they drive down a long winding road to reach Dr. Cooper's facility and discuss how dangerous this mission could become. When they enter the complex, Dr. Cooper's computer operating system, Alex 7000, informs them via intercom that Dr. Cooper is busy, but will be joining them shortly. Jaime tells Rudy she's off to do some snooping, then wanders around and discovers Dr. Cooper's giant computer lab. When she extends her snooping to the adjoining office, Dr. Cooper ambles in, looks momentarily bewildered that she was able to make it past the security door, then eases himself into his big leather chair. Jaime introduces herself as Dr. Marguerite Perry, and Dr. Cooper perks up and says he'd loooove to hear her insights on her brilliant scientific theories, which he cites...and Jaime stammers and stalls as she discreetly hits the on button to the intercom system so that Rudy can hear Dr. Cooper's questions and then feed her impressive sounding answers via her bionic ear. Genius! Dr. Cooper seems oblivious to her parroting of Rudy's knowledge, and the scam mercifully gets cut short when the Japanese and Soviet scientists arrive. Dr. Cooper heads over to the lobby to greet the scientists, and the Japanese delegate barks, "This is not a social call!" and makes it clear how pissed off his government is about the old doctor's threat of world destruction. Dr. Cooper insists that he merely wanted their attention, then offers to show them proof of the existence of his doomsday device. Dr. Cooper takes the scientists to his computer lab, shows them the various formulas he used to develop the doomsday device, then informs them that it's housed in the lowest level of the complex. The scientists demand to know why in blazes he's done this and accuse him of blackmail, but he insists that he's perpetrating this insanity solely for world peace. The Soviet scientist asks him how creating a nuclear bomb could possibly lead to world peace, so Dr. Cooper explains that the only thing that can set off his doomsday device is an air burst of a nuclear bomb. Such an event will trigger his doomsday device to go off six hours later, which will result in the destruction of the entire planet. He then rails about the destructiveness of mankind, and that his gift to the world is using his bomb-making genius to bring about lasting peace for humanity. The scientists admonish him for playing God, and he retorts by shifting a bunch of levers on his computer dashboard and gravely announcing, "It is done." A button labelled systems on lights up, and it's followed by a series of loud beeps. Dr. Cooper informs the scientists that from this point forth, the triggering (or not) of the doomsday device will be under the control of Alex 7000. He gives the scientists a stern glare and says, "It is peace or oblivion" ... and after they chew on that for a few seconds, he tells them they're free to leave. The UN Security Council meets again to implement a worldwide ban on any nuclear testing. Russ informs Oscar that not every country is complying with the ban - just as a phone call comes in from Mr. Satari. He gleefully tells Oscar, "I'm speaking from the desert testing center of my country" and says that his government has labelled the Cooper matter a superpower plot to keep Third World countries from expanding their nuclear capabilities. Oscar tells him that's ridiculous, and warns him that any nuclear testing could set off the doomsday device and annihilate the planet. Mr. Satari ignores the warning and informs Oscar that his country (which the writers refused to identify, or at least give a fake name to) is planning for an atmospheric bomb test five hours from now, then chirps, "Have a good day!" LOL. In response to Mr. Satari's troubling announcement, the UN sends emergency forces to whatever Middle Eastern country Satari lives in - but Oscar glumly tells Jaime, Rudy, and Russ that there's no way they'll get there in time to stop the nuclear test. Oscar decrees that, to avoid disaster on a planet-wide scale, they're going to have to find a way to disarm the doomsday device. Jaime asks what she can do to help (even though she knows next to nothing about computers), and Rudy tells her the trick will be to disable the computer's main memory banks - but that such a mission would require exercising extreme caution in order to avoid getting zapped/exploded/flattened by the various built-in defenses that Dr. Cooper no doubt installed to prevent infiltration of the area. Russ pulls out a map and shows Jaime the best way to approach the complex in terms of avoiding the most number of laser guns - but it's extremely rough terrain made up of giant rock mountains. Jaime's like, "Can do!" and starts bionically jogging toward the complex, dun dun dun dun dun, tripping a number of automatic defenses that shoot out laser bombs. She manages to run fast enough to avoid getting struck - but after a particularly powerful set of explosions, she takes cover in a trench...where - ack! - the Soviet scientist (whose real name is Dmitri Muskov) is hiding. The two admit they're not actually the physicists Dr. Cooper requested for his summit - but were sent for the purpose of disarming the doomsday device. Dmitri suggests that they forget about the Cold War for now and join forces so they can work together to save the world. As the automatic laser guns continue to shoot out firebombs, Jaime and Dmitri make it to a large rock mountain. Dmitri pulls out a remote device he cobbled together that disables the laser guns, and tells Jaime he designed the handy thing for the Soviet army. Jaime radios Oscar to tell him about Dmitri's presence, and asks if she should leave him behind or work with him to complete the mission...and Rudy interjects and says he knows that Dmitri is a top scientist in his country and that he could be very helpful. Jaime asks, "What about letting him see the bionics?" - bwahahahaha! - and Oscar's like, "Since you've never refrained from blabbing about your top secret superhuman strength to everyone during every mission we've ever sent you on, why stop now?" Dmitri, meanwhile, is struggling to drill footholds into the rock mountain so they can scale the thing, and an impatient Jaime bionically leaps up to the nearest plateau, then throws a rope down to Dmitri and tells him they need to speed things up if they're going to save the world in a timely fashion. Mr. Satari laughs about Dr. Cooper's doomsday device wankery, then tells his lab assistant flunkies that they should be ready to perform the nuclear test in four hours. And, with that, the first apocalyptic countdown clock of this two-part episode is officially set. Oscar radios Jaime to tell her to speed things up even faster 'cause she only has three and a half hours to save the planet...so she starts bionically carving spikes into the rock mountain and kicking in footholds so they can climb up faster. Incidentally, Jaime is wearing really flimsy ballet type slippers when she probably should have put something sturdier on her feet for a save the planet type mission. Dmitri immediately twigs onto her bionic superpowers and is awestruck that American scientists were successful in creating a human cyborg. Jaime says she prefers the term bionic, then tells him to shut it 'cause they need to focus all their energy on scaling the rock mountain and breaking into the complex. Oscar, Russ, and Rudy head to the nearest military base and get to work opening communication lines with the White House, Pentagon, and whatever Secretary Oscar reports to. Oscar also orders his tech people to adjust the communications satellite so that only he and government leaders can receive future video broadcasts from Dr. Cooper...'cause he'd rather not have the entire world's population freaked out at the same time. Jaime and Dmitri encounter a minefield, and Dmitri starts shaking, sweating, and having a PTSD style meltdown and explains that he was almost killed in a minefield in Manchuria. Jaime pleads with him to chillax, reminds him he took on this mission to save his people, then takes his hand and uses her bionic hearing to help lead him carefully across the minefield. Mr. Satari and his lab assistant flunkies are clearing the sectors of all non-essential personnel in anticipation of the nuclear test. Sixty minutes and counting! During a second PTSD episode, Dmitri gets shot in the leg by one of Dr. Cooper's automatic laser guns...and Jaime helps him to his feet and tries to pull him along, but it's clear he's only going to slow her down and risk the success of the mission. He tells her to leave him here and that she now has to carry the torch for her country and his...but he'd appreciate it if she checked on him sometime before the end of Part 2. Jaime's like, "Er, OK" and bionically breaks into a steel door of the complex. She rushes over to the computer lab, and Alex 7000 remarks over the omnipresent speaker system that he assumes she's there to damage his components - but that it won't have any effect 'cause his core memory banks are located on level 8. When he reveals that the main breaker that powers the computer lab is located by the door, Jaime rushes over and shuts it off and is immediately plunged into darkness. Not sure how that's helpful. There are three minutes left on Mr. Satari's nuclear detonation countdown! Jaime finds Dr. Cooper slumped in his office chair, looking pale from his old age/heart problems. He correctly guesses that she's not Dr. Marguerite Perry, and Jaime confirms that she's from the U.S. government and asks if there's anything she can do to help him. Dr. Cooper tells her that, oddly enough, he feels closer to life now that he's about to expire...and she urges him to stop rambling about himself and reverse the doomsday device 'cause right now there's a group of fuckwits in the Middle East who haven't taken his warnings seriously and are about to test a hydrogen bomb. Dr. Cooper contorts his face into a sad expression and mumbles, "The world has persisted in its warring ways", looks up at Jaime and mournfully says, "God help you, my child", then slumps over and dies a few seconds later. Jaime scrunches her face in sorrow at the selfish prick who conveniently passed away so he wouldn't have to perish along with everyone else in the horrific planet-wide destruction he was responsible for unleashing, then stares hopelessly into space. Mr. Satari's lab assistant flunkies launch their nuclear test, which results in a a bright flashing light and a scary looking mushroom cloud. Jaime suddenly hears a loud beeping warning in the computer lab, indicating that the doomsday device has officially been activated. Alex 7000 confirms that, yep, the world will end in precisely six hours. Oh no! The alarm triggers the release of a second video from Dr. Cooper - but this time only Oscar and government leaders are privy to the smug, I told you so message. Dr. Cooper's tired old mug appears on Oscar's TV screen, sadly stating that a nuclear device has just been tested somewhere in the world...which means that his doomsday device is set to detonate in six hours. Jaime watches the broadcast from inside the complex with a look of horror on her face, then pleads with Alex 7000 to put a stop to doomsday. He tells her he cannot do that 'cause he was specifically programmed to ensure that Dr. Cooper's doomsday device does detonate...and that it would be foolish for her to attempt to stop it, not least 'cause it's located more than a mile underground. He warns that he'll stop her at every step if she even tries...and Jaime stares defiantly into space and says, "So, then it is a duel between you and me?" and Alex 7000 dispassionately confirms it is, then adds, "May the best, er...one win." Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Jaime arrives at the OSI lab looking for Rudy - and instead finds a man wearing nothing but a pair of '70s short shorts, laying on a stretcher hooked up to various monitors. She sees the flatline reading on the heart machine, then checks his pulse and exclaims, "He's cold!" She activates her bionic hearing to see if she can pick up a heartbeat...and when she can't, she runs out of the room in a panicked search for Rudy. Rudy and Oscar are in a contentious meeting with an OSI scientist named Payton Jones, who's arguing with them about budget cuts. Rudy acknowledges that the coding analyzer he designed for the OSI was brilliant - but that they still have no choice but to cut his research budget. Payton snarks, "Cut back elsewhere!" but Oscar stands firm and tells him that everyone feels that way whenever budget cuts affect them. Jaime bursts into the room to inform Rudy that there's a dead man in his lab, and everyone follows her down the hallway to see whassup. Rudy carefully checks the man's vitals, murmurs, "It's amaaaazing" then asks Jaime to activate her bionic hearing to see if she's now able to detect any signs of life inside the man. She does, and this time hears a heartbeat...and when Rudy checks the man's pulse, the heart monitor he's attached to goes from a flatline to a slow beeping pattern. Jaime asks Rudy if the man was actually dead, so Rudy explains that the semi-corpse is OSI scientist and deep meditator Darwin Jones - Payton Jones' brother. On his way out of the lab, Oscar tells Payton they'll talk later, but Payton snappishly retorts, "What's there to talk about?" ... and Rudy discreetly tells Jaime there's always been an obnoxious sibling rivalry between the brothers. Darwin regains consciousness and says he feels very refreshed, and Rudy admonishes him for shutting down his body to such a near death state. As Payton bitchily snarks, "Welcome back, brother", Darwin puts his hand in front of the EKG machine and says he can sense a buildup of electrostatic energy...and Rudy checks the machine and discovers that, yep, there is indeed a loose ground wire that needs tightening. Darwin then touches Jaime's right arm, scrunches his face in puzzlement, and tells her her limb appears to have an electrical field. Jaime hastily changes the subject to his meditation, and he explains - in a hilariously earnest way - that he's successfully trained his mind to raise his awareness level so that he can directly control the functioning of his internal organs. He says that during this latest experiment, he commanded his heart to stop beating, then to resume beating, and explains that this type of science is called biofeedback. The next exercise he'll be performing is how much pain he can endure: a walk across hot coals. Payton gets a call in the lab from the guy who played Cecil Colby on Dynasty, and he wanks Payton about how impressed he and his shady associates are with his coding analyzer. He offers Payton a giant research grant if he's willing to come over to the dark side, and Payton gruffly says he'll get back to him when he's a tad more disgruntled with his employer. Darwin tells Jaime that the key to walking across a bed of hot coals without feeling pain or getting scarring on the soles of his feet is to be totally at peace with himself...and to demonstrate, he shuts his eyes and chants, "Om...shanti peace...om..." and commands his body to increase cardiac frequency, accelerate circulation rate, then anesthetize his feet...and as he's doing that, we get footage of the inside of his body (blech) as his innards prepare themselves. Darwin then opens his eyes, stares into space all zombie-like, and slowly walks across the hot coals without flinching. When he finishes, he commands his body to go back to its default settings...and Rudy checks his feet for blisters or burn marks and miraculously finds nothing amiss. As Jaime stares at him in complete wonderment, Payton bitches at Rudy for not supporting him more in front of Oscar. Darwin urges Payton to fucking chillax about his budget cuts already, and Payton retorts by shooting him the stink-eye and storming out. As Darwin rushes out after him, Rudy asks Jaime if she wouldn't mind using her bionic hearing to eavesdrop on the brothers. When Jaime points out that that would be unethical, Rudy explains that since Darwin's next torture test involves being dunked in a giant tank of water, he's worried that he'll be so distracted by an argument with his brother that his mental faculties won't be at their sharpest. Jaime walks over to Payton's office and bionically eavesdrops on him bitching to Darwin about how the OSI is cutting back on his funding while continuing to fund his brilliant brother. Darwin tries to wank him by reminding him that he designed a brilliant coding analyzer...but then goes blank and asks Payton to refresh his memory about what the thing does - LOL - so Payton sourly replies, "It can decipher irrational bigram substitution codes in a matter of hours." Sounds intense. Payton angrily throws a stack of papers across the room and says that his coding analyzer is only scratching the surface, and that he's resentful as fuck that the flashy biofeedback-type projects always get all the limelight and grant money...then bitterly asks how useful it is to mankind for a person to get funded to walk across hot coals. He chides himself for wasting so many years of his life in this office, then angrily swipes off whatever's on his desk. He then decides that Darwin is also to blame for what's become of his life and says it drives him extra nuts that he's always so chilled out and together. Yeesh. Someone needs a time-out and some self-reflection. Jaime looks alarmed and mutters, "This is getting personal", then rushes back to the lab to report to Rudy that Payton is throwing a tantrum like a toddler who's missed a week's worth of naps. Rudy says he's going to ask Oscar to lock up the coding analyzer, along with Payton's other security materials until he calms down. A sad looking Darwin, meanwhile, returns to the lab to commence his water torture test. Rudy wires up Darwin for the near drowning experiment, and Jaime looks on worriedly and asks Darwin if he's absolutely, positively sure he's OK. He assures her is, then starts up his relaxation-meditation routine - om, shanti peace, om.. - but is so distracted by the argument he just had with Payton that he's unable to block his brother's words from his thoughts. He does his best to solely concentrate on his innards for the exercise, while Rudy and his lab assistants slowly lower him into the water tank. While trying to focus on not drowning, it's clear he's unable to stop thinking about his pissy brother. The lack of concentration causes him to start panicking, and he signals Rudy for help...and Rudy quickly orders his flunky to lift him out of the water tank. At that moment, the pulley device decides to jam...and Darwin flails about in the water while Jaime rushes over and bionically lifts the pulley by hand until Darwin is safely lifted out of the tank. A few seconds later, Rudy gets a call from security informing him that both Payton and his coding analyzer have disappeared. Oscar tells Jaime he has reason to believe that Payton is headed to East Germany to peddle his invention to the communists. He explains that Steve Austin has been working undercover in Brussels looking into an ex-patriot American: Cecil Colby (who had called Payton earlier). Apparently, Cecil is involved in the buying and selling of top secret materials while hiding out in the fictional East German town of Halderstadt, and he's pretty sure he's acquired a coded list of OSI agents he wants Payton to decode. Jaime asks if Steve is going to sort this mess out, but Oscar tells her that since this isn't a crossover episode, Steve needs to remain undercover in Brussels so that she can be saddled with the mission. Jaime somehow lights up at that news and looks uncharacteristically delighted to be jetting off to eastern Europe. Jaime leaves Oscar's office, loudly bidding auf wiedersehen to Oscar by chirping, "OK then, I'm off to Halderstadt!" - and Darwin, who's standing nearby, overhears and asks Jaime if she's going after his idiot brother. She tells him she's going after the coding analyzer, so Darwin says he really really wants to come along so he can persuade Payton to give up the madness of working for the East Germans and return to the United States. Jaime firmly declines his help and says there's no way she'd even be allowed to bring him along on this fool's errand. After landing in West Germany, Jaime drives a rented Volkswagon to an East German Frontier border crossing near Halderstadt. She abandons the Volkswagon and sneaks up to the border on foot...and, unbeknownst to her, a car pulls up behind the Volkswagon a few seconds later. Jaime encounters electrified chain-link fencing with multiple signs warning her that she's leaving West Germany, and makes a bionic leap into the GDR. She suddenly hears Darwin calling out to her...and he appears on the west side of the fence, insisting on tagging along. Jaime urges him to go back where he came from, not least 'cause the voltage on the fence is going to fry him if he even attempts to climb over it. Darwin says he'd like to use this as an opportunity to test out his biofeedback theory in a real life situation, which means that hopefully his awareness level will be raised high enough to let the fence's voltage pass through him without him getting electrocuted. He starts up with his om, shanti peace, om.. meditation routine, then gets all blank-faced as he scales the fence. His arm gets caught on the barbed wiring for a few seconds, but he's able to use his brainpower to anesthetize the flesh wound. Eventually he makes it over...and the two steal a car that's parked in front of the little checkpoint building and quietly drive off. While en route to Halderstadt, Jaime spills the beans to Darwin about her bionics...'cause by this point in the series, it'd be a shock if she went through an entire episode not blabbing to someone about her top secret superhuman abilities - and Darwin says he figured something was up when he sensed the electrical charges emanating from her arm. Jaime radios Oscar to inform him that Darwin followed her to Europe, and Oscar scrunches his face in annoyance and tells her that under no circumstances is she to take him across the East German border. He then gives her a reminder for the mission: retrieve the coded list of OSI agents, along with the decoder. Payton, on the other hand, can be left to rot in the Eastern Bloc. He then tells her that Steve got some intel about where she might find Cecil Colby hanging out: Hotel Ellrich. Jaime chirps, "We'll check it out!" and ends the call as Oscar stares confusedly into space and mutters, "What do you mean we'll..?" Oops. Jaime and Darwin arrive in a studio back-lot set up to look like a not-quite-grey enough-for-East Germany downtown Halderstadt, and they're able to quickly locate the Hotel Ellrich. Jaime spots Cecil Colby sitting in an outdoor cafe reading the paper...and a few seconds later, one of his associates arrives and joins him. Jaime activates her bionic hearing and overhears Cecil chuckling about how brazenly he's scamming Payton, and that the dumbass is so naive about the promise of a giant research grant that he flew all the way to East Germany, completely willing to betray his own country. Cecil tells his associate that once Payton decodes the list of OSI agents, they'll promptly dispose of him. As the two get up to leave, Cecil happens to spots Jaime and Darwin staring over at them - so Jaime quickly grabs Darwin and starts smooching him in order to avoid looking like the amateur spies they are. The two men climb into their car and drive off...and as Darwin recovers from what I suspect was his first ever kiss from a female, they jump into their stolen car and follow. While on the Autobahn, Jaime apologizes to Darwin for forcibly smooching him just now, and he admits to being a shy, lonely, and socially inept nerd...and now regrets not being more proactive in sharing his life experiences with Payton. He insists on accompanying her to Cecil Colby's estate 'cause he'd really like to help rescue his brother, and also squeeze in some more real life testing of his biofeedback quackery. Cecil Colby is showing Payton around his lavish estate, which is interesting 'cause I didn't think East Germans were allowed to have lavish estates...so I'll have to assume that Cecil is a member of Erich Honecker's inner circle. He brings Payton into the main living room, where mission control of his elaborate security system is headquartered. He then hands Payton the list of OSI agents he wants him to decode, and Payton just kind of shrugs and goes, "OK, whatever." Jaime and Darwin, meanwhile, arrive outside the estate and navigate through a field rigged with tear gas missiles - while somehow managing to remain out of sight by the various security cameras. Cecil Colby's security men see the clouds of tear gas and raise the alarm about there being some kind of security breach on the property. Jaime tells Darwin it would be great if he could make it to the wall (that encloses the main house) without tripping anymore tear gas missiles or being caught on the security cameras, and asks him if his biofeedback techniques would make that possible. He looks uncertain and says, "Theoretically..?" and Jaime shoots him a WTF? look and says she can avoid the cameras by running bionically while holding her breath. Darwin starts his chanting, then makes a run for it - and manages to reach the wall without being detected. Phew. Jaime takes off - but triggers more tear gas missiles and collapses while coughing uncontrollably...and Darwin runs over, picks her up, and carries her to the safety of the wall. By this time, the security men have set off a loud alarm and are scrutinizing the video footage to figure out what in blazes is going on. One of them grabs his gun and says he's going outside to investigate. Jaime coughs some more from the tear gas, but assures Darwin she's OK...and is deeply impressed that he's so chilled out in such a highly stressful situation. She gives him a bionic boost over the wall, and the two begin advancing on the main house. They're quickly spotted by the armed security man...and then two more men appear, shoot Darwin, and grab Jaime. One of the gunmen pokes at Darwin and declares him dead, and Jaime moans, "Oooh Darwin.." - but we quickly get audio on him chanting om, shanti peace, om.. in order to anesthetize his body from suffering the effects of the gunshot wound. Cecil Colby orders his men to dump Darwin's lifeless body in the nearby lake. Inside the house, Cecil Colby warns Jaime that she too will end up dead if she tries anything foolish. Payton enters the room, is all, "Wha-a-a?" when he sees Jaime, then is ordered by Cecil to hurry up and get back to his decoding assignment 'cause a couple of foreign buyers are en route to the estate to purchase his coding analyzer. Payton glances out of the window and notices two of the security men dumping a body in the lake...and Jaime covertly tells him the body is Darwin's and that he too will meet the same fate once he's decoded the list of OSI agents. Payton contorts his face into an expression of sorrow and says he didn't think that selling state secrets to East Germany would get anyone killed. What a stupid moron. At the bottom of the lake, Darwin is meditating to keep himself from drowning and/or bleeding to death from his gunshot wound...and we get footage of his innards struggling to function without oxygen, along with a visual of the bullet that's lodged in his rib cage. He suddenly panics about drowning and/or bleeding to death, then thinks about Jaime and the way she made his naughty parts tingle during the forcible kiss in downtown Halderstadt. He quickly removes the rope that the gunmen had tied to him, and quickly rises to the surface and swims to shore. Payton returns to the living room and defiantly tells Cecil Colby that he just destroyed the coded OSI list, along with the coding analyzer. Cecil gets enraged, gives Payton a hard backhand across the face, then grabs the nearest gun and cries, "Nobody makes a fool of me!" At that moment, Darwin flies into the room and knocks Cecil to the floor - and Jaime neutralizes the other gunmen by bionically throwing a giant lamp in their direction. As the bad guys deal with all the chaos, Payton, Darwin, and Jaime escape to another room, which Jaime bionically barricades with a large piece of furniture. The three flee to the front door and exit the house just as the helicopter carrying the foreign buyers lands on the front lawn. Jaime tells the buyers that Cecil Colby is waiting for them inside...and when the buyers just shrug amiably and head toward the front door, Jaime, Darwin, and Payton pile into the helicopter, wave a gun at the pilot and order him to take off, which he promptly does. The episode then completely skips the part about how Jaime, Darwin, and Payton were able to make it out of East Germany without attracting the attention of a single policeman or Stasi official. Back at the OSI, Oscar tells Jaime that he thinks everything with Payton is going to be A-OK...even though the fucktard should probably be charged for treason, or at the very least steel-toed from the OSI for stealing company property with the intent of selling it to a hostile foreign government. Jaime heads over to the lab, where she finds Payton and Darwin happily working together. Payton tells her that Darwin taught him some meditation techniques so he could better cope with his deeply-rooted anger issues...and Jaime grins happily and tells Darwin she just consulted with her innards, and that her stomach told her she's ready to go have some lunch with him. Har har. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Oscar is briefing Commissioner Hart and Jaime about the staffing at the Santa Regina Police Department (SRPD): in short, everyone's being assigned to the Fifth Precinct, along with the new file clerk/Russian spy Parker (who was never given a first name). He also tells them that Indian world leader [and world peace poster child] Rinja Gabrin will be arriving in Santa Regina in a couple of days to be examined by an eye specialist. Seems weird that she wouldn't go to New York or Los Angeles for something like that, but OK. Jaime remarks that a lot of nefarious people would like to see her disposed of, and Oscar concurs and says it's precisely why her security team doesn't announce her travel plans until the last minute. That said, he doesn't think that the Foreign Spy Situation at SRPD is, in any way, related to Rinja Gabrin's travels. Commissioner Hart says he's arranging a police escort for Gabrin and is only assigning police not from the Fifth Precinct to the detail...and adds that the code name for this escort is guardian angels. Jaime's like, "OK then" and says she's off to get some rest before her first day as a faux police officer, and Oscar warns her to be careful 'cause of how dangerous undercover work can be. No shit, Oscar, but it doesn't seem to stop you from putting Jaime (who I don't think has ever been fully trained as a government spy) in mortal danger every damn episode. During the first roll call, a bunch of sexist douchewad male cops whistle and hoot at the three female rookies, and the captain half-heartedly tells them to cut it out or he'll tattle about their behavior to their wives...and there's so much to unpack with a remark that's so boorishly insulting and unprofessional in a police precinct - but there's no time 'cause he immediately starts announcing the partner assignments and (no surprise) partners Jaime with Bob Welton. After that, he briefs everyone about a purse mugger who's currently on the loose, then dismisses them to hit the streets. Jaime tells Arlene she's irked that no one's been assigned to watch out for the suspicious red delivery truck, so they wander over to where Parker is sitting and ask her to run a check on the vehicle, then provide her with the license plate number. Parker tries hard to mask her stricken expression when she realizes that her nefarious plot is in danger of being exposed, but recovers quickly enough to promise Jaime and Arlene that she'll look into it asap. Bob blowhards to Jaime about how she's going to have to earn his respect as a street cop...and Jaime's like, "Yeah whatever" and activates her bionic hearing in time to hear a little old lady scream after being robbed by the infamous purse mugger. Jaime barks at Bob to stop the car, then bursts out the passenger door and bionically runs in the direction of the screaming. She spots the mugger, decides that whipping a garbage can lid like a discus at him would be quicker than pursuing him on foot (which it proves to be), then jogs over to where he's laying and moaning in pain. He pulls a knife on Jaime while she tries to cuff him...and she grabs the knife blade and bionically bends it at a ninety degree angle. Wilton arrives in his squad car and glares in annoyance at Jaime - until he realizes she just captured the purse mugger who's been eluding police and terrorizing little old ladies for months. That's actually kind of a sad statement on the effectiveness of the SRPD. He picks up the bent knife and scrunches his face confusedly, and Jaime breezily says it's just a toy knife, then grabs it from him and tosses it onto a nearby garbage pile, even though it's probably evidence the prosecutors could use in order to ensure a successful conviction. Bob apologizes for being such a jerk and admits that she's a damn good rookie. Parker calls one of her co-conspirators, Captain Jetton, and reveals (after needlessly lapsing into her Russian accent) that the code name for the Rinja Gabrin police escort detail is guardian angels. She then tells him to have the helicopter ready, and that Jaime and Arlene are fast becoming a thorn in her side and that something needs to be arranged "in the line of duty" to get rid of them. Eeeek! When Arlene asks Parker if she uncovered anything about the red delivery truck, Parker shows her a benign report she faked that indicates a general alert, but not much else...then discreetly tears up the real report that had more pertinent details. As Captain Jetton does the next roll call, he applauds Jaime for catching the elusive purse mugger, then announces that the helicopter will be unavailable 'cause it's undergoing repairs. As the officers head out to hit the streets, Parker calls someone and barks, "Go!" ... and elsewhere in Santa Regina, a group of fake cops grab their weapons and get into their fake squad cars. Bob shyly asks Jaime if she thinks she might be hungry after their shift - and Jaime grins and asks him if he's seriously asking her out on a date. He blushes and says he knows a great Italian restaurant nearby, and she gives him a firm maybe. Ouch. Captain Jetton walks past Parker's desk and gives her a conspiratorial nod. I guess this means that Phase One of their nefarious plot has been officially launched. The fake cops descend upon what looks like an abandoned part of town, then call dispatch to request backup for an imaginary crime in progress. The confused dispatcher wonders aloud to Captain Jetton who the heck these patrol cops could possibly be, and Jetton just tells him to send Jaime and Bob, along with Arlene and whoever her partner is to respond to the call...'cause, nope, that doesn't seem at all suspicious or weird. When the two unsuspecting squads arrive in the abandoned part of town, a fake cop yells from an upper floor window that he has a suspect cornered...and somehow Jaime and Arlene get partnered together as they enter an alley, their guns drawn. Jaime activates her bionic hearing just in time to hear a sniper on the roof cock his gun...and when she looks up and sees a rifle aimed at her, she bionically shoves Arlene out of the line of fire, then decides why fire on the sniper when I can simply throw my gun at him? ... and naturally the gun hits him square in the head, causing him to fall over and then scurry away like a frightened kitten. Jaime then spots a different fake cop jump into his squad car and squeal off, so she leaps onto the trunk of the car and holds on for dear life. The driver manages to knock her off when he has to swerve in order to avoid a head on collision with another car. A that moment, Jaime just happens to spot the red delivery truck, so she calls dispatch - but orders him to put her through to Captain Jetton so she can tell him first hand that she needs backup at an abandoned warehouse in the middle of nowhere. Captain Jetton smirks to himself and replies, "Will do. Help is on the way." Jaime tiptoes into the warehouse and bionically overhears someone mention her name and snark about how she's thwarting their nefarious plans. She then stumbles onto a confusing assortment of fake police motorcycles and squad cars...as well as a crew of fake cops, who quickly pull out their guns and aim them at her. She tells them it's too late 'cause the cavalry is on its way - but then Parker and Captain Jetton appear behind her and grin smugly. Parker says, "Velcome to my precinct, Sooomers" and Jaime scrunches her face confusedly and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?" as Parker sneeringly assures her that this time she von't get away. Oscar tells Commissioner Hart that Jaime has gone missing...and when Commissioner Hart says he suspects Officer Arlene Smith of being in on it, an amused Oscar calls her in for a debrief. Arlene sweeps into the room and is all, "Hi, dad!", and Commissioner Hart stares at her incredulously, then angrily reminds her that he forbade her to enroll in the police academy. She explains that she did it behind his back 'cause she really really wants to be a cop...then gets down to business and recounts that, for some unknown reason, Jaime shoved her into a pile of garbage cans, and she was too dazed to see what occurred after that. Commissioner Hart declares that he's pulling her off the street for her own safety, then reminds Oscar that Gabrin's plane is due to land in forty-five minutes. Jaime is handcuffed to a pipe as Captain Jetton is informed by phone that he's been put in charge of the guardian angels detail this afternoon. Parker then does the '70s villan thing and reveals to Jaime every detail about her peeps' nefarious plot, including their plans to kidnap Rinja Gabrin in order to demand various political concessions and discredit the United States. When Jaime asks her how she knew about Gabrin's travel plans, Parker smugly replies that one of her agents had inside info, so they knew about the plans all along. Since it's so difficult to penetrate Gabrin's security team, they simply decided, "Why not become her security force?" Genius! But so evil! Gabrin's plane prepares for landing, and the fake security detail gets into position. One of Parker's co-conspirators places an explosive in the warehouse and announces that it's set to blow in twenty minutes. Jaime puns, "Isn't this, uh, overkill?" so the fake cop explains that it's meant to be a diversion from the group's primary plot. Parker apologizes to Jaime in advance for killing her and acknowledges that she was very nice to her at the academy. She assures Jaime she won't feel a thing...and then another fake cop grabs Jaime from behind and chloroforms her. As she lays on the floor, motionless with a ticking time bomb a few feet away, the conspirators head to the precinct. Gabrin's plane lands, and Oscar and Commissioner Hart are on site to ensure that everything goes smoothly with Operation Guardian Angels. The dispatcher tells Arlene and Bob that Jaime had called earlier from an abandoned warehouse...and that Captain Jetton said he'd handle it, but then didn't sent any backup. He remarks on how weird that is, and Arlene and Bob agree that, yep, it's pretty fucking weird...but have no time to act on it 'cause Captain Jetton and Parker arrive at the precinct and pull a gun on them. Bob manages to escape, but Arlene isn't as fortunate and gets held captive. Commissioner Hart suddenly notices that the police escort is escorting Rinja Garbin in the wrong direction...and when he voices his confusion, one of the fake cop pulls a gun on him and Oscar and tells them to shut it and stay cool. Jaime is still laying on the floor of the warehouse, motionless with a ticking time bomb a few feet away. Bob hops on a motorcycle and races over to the abandoned warehouse - just as Jaime starts to groggily regain consciousness. When Bob arrives a few seconds later, he desperately tries to find a way inside the warehouse. Jaime, meanwhile, pokes at her handcuffs and is able to bionically break out of them. Captain Jetton forces every non-conspirator into the Fifth Precinct holding cells, and they're all, "Wha-at's happening??" Bob finally finds a window large enough to peer through, sees Jaime struggling to get up, then heroically crashes through the glass without suffering the tiniest of cuts or slivers. He runs in and chivalrously helps Jaime to her feet, then tosses her through the window seconds before the bomb explodes. When he gently coos that she's safe now, she's all, "Noooo!!" and tells him about the kidnapping plot, and that they have to race back to the precinct pronto. But that she'll sexily clutch him from behind while racing there via motorcycle. The co-conspirators contact comrades who are located aboard a submarine (!) and report that Operation Kidnap Rinja Gabrin is now in progress. Bob and Jaime are racing back to the precinct when they hear via police radio the dispatcher send squad cars to respond to the warehouse explosion...and Jaime tells Bob it's merely a diversion from the kidnapping. A bewildered Rinja Gabrin (who it doesn't seem to have been given any lines in this episode), her bewildered entourage, and Oscar and Commissioner Hart are marched into the Fifth Precinct, and Parker promptly pulls a gun on them. When Commissioner Hart shoots Captain Jetton a WTF? glare, Jetton explains that the Russians offered him a million dollars to betray his country so he figured why the hell not collude with a foreign enemy for a big payoff? Parker informs the mute Rinja Garbrin that she's a valuable hostage and will remain in the precinct until, presumably, they can smuggle her onto the submarine...then locks everyone in holding cells. Jaime and Bob arrive at the precinct...and Bob rides the motorcycle right into the building (!) and Arlene cleverly uses the diversion to reach through the holding cell's bars and pull the gun away from one of the fake cops. Bob bursts into the office area and is promptly held at gunpoint by one of the fake cops, so Jaime sneaks in through a different entrance, throws a chair at the gun-toting fake cop, then bionically leaps across the room while Bob - who has to put a pin in how visibly confused he is about Jaime's superhuman ability to leap so high and so far - grabs Parker's gun. He and Jaime then rush towards the holding cells and release the non-conspirators...and when Arlene asks Jaime how she was able to disarm and subdue the evildoers, Bob says she did it by throwing a chair in their direction. Arlene scrunches her face with skepticism, since she clearly doesn't buy that lame explanation. Parker, Captain Jetton, and the other co-conspirators are arrested, handcuffed, then led away. Hopefully to a different precinct. Commissioner Hart tells Jaime he'd love it if she joined the force, like for real, then wanders over to Arlene and gives her permission to be a street cop again 'cause of how great she is at the job. A sad looking Bob asks Jaime if she's really leaving, and she says yes...and to please keep the superhuman abilities he just witnessed on the down low. Jaime tells Bob she's officially accepting his dinner offer mostly 'cause she's super hungry after such a rough day of policing. Bob's like, "Really..?" so Jaime clarifies she's also dining with in order to say goodbye...and he still smiles all smitten-like as she tucks her hand into the crook of his arm and steers him toward the door. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: A police officer activates his siren and pulls over a white truck, which - surprise! - is being driven by Jaime. He chides her for driving too fast and asks to see her license and registration. She apologetically explains that she borrowed the truck from Jim Elgin 'cause she has an important meeting in the city...and describes Elgin as her legal guardian, despite her being a grown woman who's well into her twenties. The police officer brusquely gives her a speeding ticket and growls at her to slow down, and Jaime scrunches her face with irritation. Jaime arrives at Oscar's office, ignores the older man sitting across from him, and starts bitching about the $10 speeding ticket that some pompous ass of a dickwad cop just gave her. Oscar cringes, then introduces her to Commissioner Sam Hart of the Santa Regina Police Department. Jaime sheepishly apologizes for trash-talking pompous ass cops just now, but he's gracious about it and tells her that very soon she'll have a police officer's perspective. When Jaime's all, "Wha-aa?", Oscar explains that the OSI has been receiving disturbing reports from its overseas agents claiming that a foreign female spy has enrolled herself in the Santa Regina Police Academy. And since there have been vague references to a giant espionage plot in the works, he thinks that this spy could be the key to the entire operation. He tells Jaime that her next mission - should she choose to accept, which she has to 'cause he never gives her any choice - is to pose as a Santa Regina police cadet so she can find out who the foreign agent is and what she's planning. He informs her that he's arranged for a substitute teacher to take over her class at the Ojai base school, then flirtily adds that she'll look great in a police uniform. Jaime rolls her eyes and looks less than thrilled by the assignment. During the first roll call at the academy, which is being run by a sexist douchewad by the name of Captain Godfrey, a man wearing a ski mask suddenly bursts into the room with a fake gun, shoots blanks in the air, then runs back out again. Captain Godfrey informs the bewildered cadets, most of whom are hiding under their desks, that the fake intrusion was a test of how observant and fearless they are in a crisis...then asks if anyone can recall what the gunman was wearing. A curly haired woman named Arlene puts up her hand and offers a pretty accurate description, and Captain Godfrey gives her a curt nod of approval and tells the rest of the cadets that they're all going to have to become more observant and less pants shittin', not least 'cause this is the first time the academy has accepted women to be trained for street patrol. He says he's personally skeptical about a woman's ability to be a beat cop, but is reluctantly willing to give it a shot. [I'm sure the little ladies who are sitting in front of you thank you.] The fake gunman then re-enters the classroom, takes off his ski mask, and - surprise! - turns out to be the same cop (Officer Bob Welton) who issued Jaime her speeding ticket. Jaime enters her dorm room and learns that she's roommates with Arlene, who tells her that her last name is Smith. Jaime compliments her impressive performance during class and asks her where she developed her sharp skills of observation, and Arlene abruptly shuts down and mutters something about picking up various skills here and there. She then hangs up a poster of Rinja Gabrin, an Indian woman who's known around the world as the Mother of World Peace, and gushes about how inspired by her she is. Obstacle course training! After the cadets change into sweat suits, Bob Welton and Captain Godfrey inform them that the results of the obstacle course will indicate what kind of shape they're in and how well they can coordinate their legs while jogging over two parallel rows of tires. Since the course was designed for men, they fully anticipate that "the ladies" may only be able to complete half of it. As expected, the men run through the course fairly easily...while several of the women cadets struggle to climb over the wall and make it through the tire section. Arlene, however, does extraordinarily well, which prompts Jaime to eye her suspiciously. She then activates her bionic hearing in time to hear Welton and Godfrey bet each other $10 on whether "the skinny blonde" will even reach the finish line. An appalled Jaime vows revenge for her $10 speeding ticket, then uses her bionic abilities to sail over the wall, easily race through the tire section, and hit the finish line in record time. She dances over to Welton and chirps, "Ten bucks for ten bucks!" which I have to think constitutes yet another breach of her status as an undercover OSI agent with top secret bionic hearing abilities. Jaime contacts Oscar and tells him she has no solid leads yet, but that she's highly suspicious of a cadet named Arlene Smith. Oscar tells her that he and his team will run a check on the woman...and by run a check, he means they're going to crank up the ginormous OSI computer with its ginormous magnetic tapes and bright flashing buttons, while a deafening dot matrix printer generates a hard copy of the results. Oscar promptly calls Jaime back on the academy's pay phone and tells her that they somehow missed the fact that Arlene Smith doesn't exist. Nice going, OSI chief. He can't say for certain that Arlene is the foreign agent, but tells Jaime to keep a close eye on her. After the call, Jaime is admonished by a hall monitoring cop, who barks at her to get back to her room 'cause she's going to need all the rest she can get for tomorrow. Jaime tiptoes back to her room, briefly hovers over Arlene's bed, and is shocked when she realizes it's empty. Elsewhere on the campus, we hear a woman speaking in a thick Russian accent to the hall monitor cop who just bitched at Jaime. The Russian says she knows that Jaime was slipped into the academy at the last minute, says, "Maybe zare's zomdink zare", and will ask her people to zee if zay have zomdink on heer. As two men carry over a crate containing a gun, the Russian says that their nefarious plot entails acquiring what they need gradually - crate by crate - so that no one notices a gigantic shipment of weapons. Seems prudent. When Arlene tiptoes back into the dorm room, Jaime turns on the lights and haughtily informs her it's 3:00am. Arlene claims she couldn't sleep and took a walk, then asks Jaime why it matters. Another female cadet, Parker, appears in the doorway and sleepily tells them to hold it down, then acknowledges that she's the crappiest cadet in the class and needs all the sleep she can get. She adds that she doesn't thinks she's cut out for policing...and after she ambles back to her room, Jaime and Arlene exchange suspicious glares. The next day, the cadets are put through a speed driving test in a parking lot with pylons. Bob Welton, who's sitting in the passenger seat while Jaime drives, barks, "Break, turn, punch it!" then concludes that she's a very sloppy driver. When she points out how hard it is to focus while he's screeching in her ear, he snaps that if she can't take the pressure in an empty parking lot, there's no way she'll be able to handle herself on the street. As he bitchily storms off, Parker pokes her head inside the window and tells Jaime not to feel too bad, and that she did way worse on her driving test. Jaime calls Oscar for another update, and he tells her he can't find any other aliases for Arlene Smith. Jaime says she's almost certain that Arlene is the spy 'cause of how amazingly well she's doing in the academy - much like a foreign agent who's received this kind of physical training before - plus she sneaks out of their room at night. She tells Oscar she's planning on following her next time. That night, Jaime pretends to be fast asleep when Arlene tiptoes out...and after a few seconds pass, she gets out of bed and follows her. While she's doing that she notices a red delivery truck pull onto the grounds, and instead of hiding behind some nearby bushes to avoid detection, she bionically leaps up to the Santa Regina Police Academy sign. After the truck passes, she jumps back down and follows Arlene into the mess hall and finds her in the kitchen, munching on leftover chicken. While spying, Jaime accidentally knocks over a stack of dishes and has to sheepishly acknowledge to Arlene that, yep, she followed her here...and Arlene gets peeved and accuses her of being an undercover spy for her father. Jaime calls Oscar - FYI Oscar fans: he wears mustard colored PJs to bed! - to report that Arlene Smith is actually Arlene Hart, the daughter of Police Commissioner Sam Hart. Apparently, she uses an alias 'cause she didn't want her father to know that she applied to the academy. He would rather she become "a lady" and stay out of harm's way working as a research assistant in a law firm: a job Arlene hated. Oscar's like, "Thanks, babe" and wryly tells her to call him at a more reasonable hour next time. Arlene asks Jaime who Oscar is, so Jaime blabs the entirety of the OSI mission 'cause why keep intel about a top secret government mission a secret? The unseen Russian woman is talking to her co-conspirators again, and she tells them that the report came in on Jaime, who her people suspect is an OSI agent. She sneers, "Vee can't let heer live until graduation." Oh no! The next training exercise entails the cadets pursing a criminal (played by Bob Welton) by car, then placing him under arrest without needlessly shooting him. Parker is the first one up, and she empties her gun of its fake bullets shooting at Bob for waving a wrench at her. LOL. The training officer pulls Parker aside and tells her she's definitely not cut out to be street cop. And probably not a shopping mall security guard either. Jaime and Arlene are sitting together on the steps of a fake building on the academy's back lot, talking openly (and well within earshot of the other cadets, OMFG) about the OSI mission at hand. Arlene implores Jaime to let her help, and Jaime decides that since she's been repeatedly compromising national security with her indiscreet blabbing this episode, why the hell not bring Arlene into the mission? A tearful Cadet Parker informs her classmates that she just got cut from the academy, but that the training officer told her he'd try to find a position for her as a file clerk, even though she can't type and has issues alphabetizing. Jaime and Arlene offer their sympathies until they're summoned for the training exercise. Jaime and Arlene pursue Bob Welton in a squad car...and when he gets cornered in an alley, Jaime orders him out of the car with his hands above his head. Bob exits the car, once again with the wrench in his hand, and Jaime barks at him to drop the tool and place both hands on the roof of the car. As that's happening, an unidentified cadet is climbing up to the roof of a nearby building and knocks a heavy set of studio lights onto the sidewalk. Jaime kicks her bionics into gear and pulls Bob to safety to avoid either of them getting flattened. Jaime calls Oscar to report on the attempt on her life and that Arlene had apparently spotted an unidentified woman climbing up to the roof. Oscar says he's worried that the foreign agent is onto their operation and that he'll be coming to Santa Regina shortly. Parker, meanwhile, says her goodbyes to the other cadets...then climbs into a police car with the hall monitor cop. She gleefully tells him, "Vee vooled dem. Everydink is verking pervekly." Eeeek! Parker's co-conspirators are in a secret garage, dressing up a car so that it looks deceptively like a Santa Regina squad car. Jaime and Arlene are in their dorm room, munching on pizza and racking their brains trying to figure out who the foreign agent could be. They exchange sightings on the red delivery truck that they've seen on the academy grounds a number of times, and Arlene says she was so suspicious that she wrote down the license plate number. Jaime asks her if she has some police friends who can run a check on the plate, and Arlene says, "Sure" and rushes out. Jaime hears something outside, so she races over to the window to see whassup and happens to spot the red delivery truck they were just discussing. She bionically leaps out the window, hops into her white truck, and starts following it. The drivers of the red truck notice Jaime tailing them...and when they radio Parker about it, she orders them to lead Jaime to the industrial area so they can dispose of her there. The delivery truck drivers, along with the driver of the fake squad car, cut Jaime off...and this causes her to slam into a telephone pole, which naturally results in the truck catching fire. Jaime escapes certain death by bionically kicking open the door, then races away from the truck as it explodes. I hope Jim Elgin has the funds to buy a new truck. Oscar and Jaime are meeting with Commissioner Hart, who's bitchily defensive about them smack-talking his men as if they're all criminals. He snarks at Jaime for getting in the way of a police emergency (say wuh?) and nonsensically says it was her duty as a motorist to get out of the way. Jaime explains that they didn't give her that chance, and reminds him that in addition to almost getting burned alive, she was nearly killed by a set of giant studio lights during a recent training exercise. The commissioner lamely says that that could have been an accident - but Oscar disagrees and says it's obvious that they're getting close to identifying the foreign agent. He orders the commissioner to assign Jaime to the Fifth Precinct and send her out as a beat cop so she can further investigate who the foreign agent might be. Jaime looks visibly annoyed at the extended mission, since she clearly didn't expect her faux policing to bleed into a Part 2 episode, but Oscar solemnly insists, "It's the only way." Graduation! The cadets line up to accept their diplomas - and Arlene has darkened her hair so that her father won't recognize her...which, somehow, he doesn't. Jaime accepts her diploma, and gets a thank you from a smitten looking Bob Welton for saving his life earlier, and she shoots him a flirty wink. Mmm hmm. Meanwhile, Parker and her co-conspirators are sitting in the audience. One of them tells Parker that Jaime has been assigned to the Fifth Precinct, and Parker narrows her beady eyes and declares, "She von't last two days on zee job." Eeeek! Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Jaime is flying over the Atlantic Ocean on a large military plane with her former doctor and creepish admirer dork, Michael Marchetti. They're on their way to London to pick up some top secret biomedical gear, but first need to make a refueling stop on Alaska's Grand Tooley Island. Jaime pops into the cockpit to chat with the three military pilots, who are preparing to make their descent. One of the pilots, Major Andrews, tells Jaime that the island is a deactivated military base that houses a biological research facility, and the scientists who reside there are experimenting with the tundra to see if anything can grow on it. The air traffic controller on the island clears them to land...but as he's giving them landing instructions, he seems to space out, then stops talking altogether. Major Andrews scrunches his face confusedly and tries to re-connect with him or anyone else on the ground...and when he doesn't get a reply, he says it appears that something very weird is happening on the island - but that they have no choice but to land 'cause they're low on fuel. A problem he could have solved by not flying them so far north that they ended up anywhere near Alaska, which seems like a really strange detour to make while en route to London. When they land on the runway, they're met with eerie silence: no ground crew, or other signs of life whatsoever. Jaime activates her bionic hearing...and when it registers nothing, she stares at Michael worriedly and wails, "Where are all the peeeeeeeeeeople?!" The group wanders around the base yelling "Hellooooo..?!", shut off a car they find idling, then amble into an abandoned mess hall. The camera pans in for a needless close-up of the food that was about to be served: a row of wieners and iceberg lettuce. 'Cause nothing satisfies the masses like a hearty wiener salad. As panic starts to set in, Michael suggests they split up and look around - even though no good ever comes from a group splitting up in these types of TV situations - then reconvene at the mess hall for a weenie roast. Jaime partners with Sergeant Roberts to explore the base...and when they arrive at a hangar with a door that seems bolted shut, Jaime bionically forces it open. A scared young blonde woman is hiding in the cockpit of one of the planes inside the hangar - but neither Jaime nor Sergeant Roberts sees her. As Jaime hovers close to the exit, the sergeant wanders deeper inside the building and disappears from view...and when Jaime calls for him a few seconds later, she gets no response. She becomes so frightened that she flees the hangar and runs straight into Major Andrews, who I thought got a little too touchy-feely while comforting her. She tells him that Sergeant Roberts just disappeared somewhere inside the hangar, so Major Andrews says he'll go in and look for him 'cause what could go wrong with that...and a few seconds later, he too disappears while letting out a big burp (yes, that sound effect really happened). Jaime runs outside again and begins to have a full on meltdown just as Michael rushes over. She tells him about the disappearance of the major and sergeant, and Michael wisely decides to not enter the hangar to look around. The two vow to stay together, then head over to the Agricultural Research Station. Jaime and Michael enter a control room with lots of impressive looking dashboards that have thick, color-lit buttons. They notice an isolation chamber housing a giant rock, which Michael identifies as a meteorite. They spot a radio receiver and rush over to see if they can contact Oscar...but it soon becomes clear that while they can hear Oscar, he's unable to hear them. A panicked Jaime wails at Michael, "What do you think is going onnnnnn??" and he stares back at her with a grim expression and says that some mysterious force is preventing anyone on the island from communicating with the outside world. Like maybe sunspots...or other stuff. LOL. Thanks, professor. Inside the hangar, the young blonde woman who was hiding peeks up from the cockpit of the plane. We then hear footsteps...and when the camera pans down, we see that the feet belong to Major Andrews, who has a blank expression on his face and is wandering around like a robotic zombie. Back in the control room, Jaime and Michael find a file labelled Dr. Boylin, who Michael says is the head of research. Jaime finds a videotape tape dated for that day, so they put it into the player in case it yields any helpful clues. The tape (narrated by Dr. Boylin) includes video footage of a truck arriving in the hangar, and then various military personnel unloading the meteorite, which apparently landed on earth seven million years ago. The tape then cuts over to the isolation chamber, where a group of scientists are poking at the meteorite and noting the charred residue on its pitted surface. Dr. Boylin is heard to exclaim, "Incredible! It's alive! This structure violates all generic laws of life as we know them!" LOL. As the scientists continue to poke at the thing, measure its pulse, and document its size changes, they notice that it seems to react to heat. A few seconds later, they figure out it probably wasn't the best idea to apply heat to the peculiar specimen, 'cause they all become faint and keel over inside the chamber...and the videorecording abruptly stops. Michael stares at the blank TV screen in puzzlement, then at the meteorite, and remarks on how harmless it looks. The zombified Major Andrews enters the research station and turns up the heat in the control room. Jaime detects his footsteps with her bionic hearing, then tells Michael she can feel the room getting warmer. The meteorite responds to the heat and starts pulsating - a reaction that causes Jaime and Michael to suddenly develop debilitating headaches. Jaime manager to flee the control room and bionically race out of the building...but leaves behind a weakened Michael, who is powerless to move and passes out. As Jaime flails around the base in full on panic mode, she encounters the zombified Major Andrews and Sergeant Roberts, who robotically march towards her with blank expressions. She freaks out even more when she spots an entire herd of Walking Dead like zombies on the runway tarmac, also robotically marching in her direction. She flees to the hangar and bionically slams the door shut, then spots the young blonde woman, who identifies herself as Laurie Boylin (the head researcher's daughter). Jaime assures the tearful girl that everything will magically sort itself out before the end credits roll - but in the meantime, they're in this together. The zombie herd arrives at the hangar and starts banging on the door, so Jaime races across the building and bionically kicks a flimsy looking wall to create an escape route. She suggests to Laurie that they hide at her house, and the two race to the nearest car...but as the herd closes in, Jaime is suddenly incapacitated by a headache and collapses. She yells at Laurie to help her, but Laurie doesn't respond and continues running towards the car - and somehow Jaime manages to scramble to her feet and reaches the car before getting...well, I dunno if devoured is the right word since they don't really seem like flesh eating type zombies, so I'll just go with overpowered. Night has fallen by the time Jaime and Laurie arrive at the Boylin house. Jaime asks her new young friend why she's seemingly immune to zombification, and Laurie says she's deaf but can read lips...and Jaime's like, "Ooooh.." since it also explains why she didn't respond to her cry for help in the previous scene. She then deduces that since Laurie is deaf and she has a bionic ear, the meteorite must be zombifying people by way of the ear canal. Seems reasonable. The zombie herd has somehow gathered flashlights for the march over to the Boylin house, and they're now banging on the door. As they easily break in, Jaime bionically breaks a window so that she and Laurie can climb through it and escape. They take a quick rest on the curb, and Jaime theorizes about how the meteorite must be giving off sound impulses to anyone with normally functioning hearing. She suddenly hears Michael calling her name...but since he too has been zombified, he spacily offers to disconnect her bionic ear so that she too can join the herd. Jaime tries to get through to him by imploring him to tell her what kind of life form the meteorite is, and he woodenly replies, "We have to protect it." When Jaime asks what will destroy it, he regains coherence for a few seconds and yells, "Run Jaime! It's too strong!" and Jaime and Laurie are all, "Ack!" and promptly flee - just as Michael's brain zombifies again and he yells at her to come back. Jaime and Laurie return to the base, and Jaime thinks hard about how to deal with the bizarre crisis at hand. She decides that since heat seems to power the meteorite, perhaps cold could be used to fight it. Seems reasonable. The zombies carefully place the meteorite in a large wooden box, and Jaime and Laurie hide behind a row of steel drums and watch them load it onto the military plane. Jaime asks Laurie what the coldest thing on the base is, and Laurie says the liquid CO2 that's stored in the fire department is pretty damn cold...so Jaime tells Laurie to stay put, then bionically races across the base wearing a pair of protective earphones to prevent another debilitating headache. She quickly finds a CO2 tank in one of the fire trucks, then gets into the driver's seat and drives it onto the plane the zombies are readying for takeoff. She bionically leaps over the firetruck, battles severe head pain after Zombie Michael steals her earphones, and swats away several of the other zombies. She begins spraying the meteorite with CO2...and this seems to do the trick, 'cause eventually everyone's mental fog lifts, and they all become de-zombified and start acting like their normal selves again. They shake their heads in bemusement and are all, "Wha-at's going on?" and Jaime collapses against Michael in relief. Oscar is en route to Grand Tooley Island and is assured by the people on the ground that everything is back to normal. The meteorite is still being stored there - but to be safe, they're keeping the nasty fucker on ice. Dr. Boylin debriefs Oscar about the meteorite being a very curious life form that was able to communicate ultrasonically...and when it corresponds with alpha waves in the human mind, its signal blocks out any thoughts except its basic instinct to survive. Jaime gasps and calls it fascinating...and Oscar gives her a funny look and is all, "You're fascinated after everything you've just been through?" Jaime says she is, then expresses deep wonderment about this new life form and where it could have come from. Either a quarry, or the show's props department. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: A woman decked out in a nun habit is hurrying down the street, clutching a suitcase and glancing around shiftily. She hurries past an undercover OSI agent, who immediately starts chasing after her...and she reacts by fleeing down an alley, but ends up running straight into another OSI agent. He pats her down and finds a pistol under her habit, which he hands to a third man - Oscar! - who proceeds to rip off her nun hood and snap, "Marlene Stoler!" He tells her she's under arrest for various crimes, including treason - yikes! - and when the agents search her suitcase, they find a bag of diamonds in a little velvet pouch, along with a bus ticket. Oscar asks her who she's delivering the diamonds to, but she remains mute and refuses to talk. He orders his men to take her away, then saunters over to a nearby car, slides into the back seat beside Jaime (decked out in a nun's habit, interestingly) and says, "Looks like you're on, Sister Jaime." He shows her the bag of diamonds and tells her they're worth 750K...and when she freaks out about walking around with so much wealth, Oscar breezily assures her she'll be fine and that she merely has to pose as a courier until someone makes contact. He hands her a little OSI radio and tells her to keep in touch so they can move in quickly and arrest the scoundrel/thief/whatever, then shows her the bus ticket and says that Marlene's contact might be on the bus...but if not, she'll have to take her nun impersonation all the way to the convent and fulfill the somewhat confusing mission there. Jaime's all, "Wuh? Convent?" and says she seriously doubts she can pass herself off as a nun. Oscar (once again with the breezy tone) assures her she'll do fine, then jokes about how every convent needs a bionic nun. Jaime contorts her face into a faux tortured expression and moans, "Oh God, help me.." as the opening credits roll. Jaime arrives at the convent by cab and climbs out of the back seat clutching her suitcase. She radios Oscar to report that no one approached her on the bus and that she's about to enter the convent's front gates. A Sister Barbara arrives, lets her in after pointing out that the gate's latch is broken...and Jaime promptly bends it back into place 'cause why the fuck not, since by this point she's given up any semblance of keeping her government-subsidized bionic abilities on the down-low from anyone she encounters on her OSI missions. Sister Barbara asks her if she brought everything, and Jaime's like, "Uh, yes..?", and the two head over to the main building. Sister Barbara delivers Jaime to the Reverend Mother, an older woman who radiates dourness and shoots everyone around her with a bitter stink-eye. After a quick once-over, she reluctantly tells Jaime she's "fairly presentable", but warns that she doesn't tolerate bad behavior and that her "look and attitude" must be presentable at all times. A Sister Beverly interrupts to inform the Reverend Mother that the bishop is on the phone...and the Reverend Mother pissily orders her and Jaime to wax the floor while she takes the call. Once she's out of earshot, Sister Beverly wryly quips, "Welcome to the Bounty" and compares the Reverend Mother to a much crotchetier version of Captain Bligh. Jaime says it's nice to see someone joking around in this gloomy place, and Sister Beverly nods sadly and says that lately there hasn't been much for any of them to smile about. As Jaime and Sister Beverly buff the floor, they bond over their experience as schoolteachers. Sister Beverly says that the convent used to be a happy place - until the Reverend Mother suddenly got all uptight, began sticking her nose in everyone's bidness, and got weirdly protective of the winery. Jaime perks up at the mention of a winery and says she'd definitely be interested in poking around there for some clues asap. Sister Beverly gets thirsty and scampers off to get them some water...and once she's exited the room, Jaime kicks the floor waxing into bionic gear so she has some free time to wander the grounds. Unfortunately, she runs into the grumpypants Reverend Mother, who snarlingly tells her to stay far away from the winery 'cause there's nothing - repeat, nothing - to see there. She then orders Jaime to go to her room and unpack. As Jaime unpacks her suitcase, someone slips a note under her door telling her to go to confession at 11:45am. She arrives at the chapel at the appointed time, steps into one of the confessional chambers, and is ordered by the faux priest on the other side of the wall to hand over the diamonds. When Jaime pretends as though she forgot them in her room, he tells her she needs to comply within three seconds 'cause he has a pistol with a silencer pointed right at her and won't hesitate to pull the trigger. Jaime's all, "Ack!" and quickly hands over the velvet bag of diamonds...and seconds later, the faux priest vanishes. Jaime leaps up to pursue him, but finds the door to her confessional chamber blocked by a chair...and by the time she's able to bionically burst out of the chamber and through the chapel doors, the mysterious culprit has blended in with a group of other priests milling around the courtyard. As Jaime stares confusedly into space, the Reverend Mother appears out of nowhere and bitchily orders her to join the other nuns for prayers. After prayers, Jaime radios Oscar to tell him: a) the good news: she's been accepted as one of the sisters b) the bad news: she lost 750K worth of diamonds Oscar's all, "You what?!!" so she recounts what just happened in the confessional chamber and adds that, according to one of the nuns, the Reverend Mother has become a giant pill lately. She says that since she's overly protective of the winery, it's probably a good place to start snooping around in. She then breezily (ha!) tells Oscar to have faith that during her snooping she'll somehow stumble upon the missing diamonds. When she finishes the call and opens her door to head out, she's startled by the sight of the Reverend Mother standing at her doorstep, demanding to know who she was just talking to...and Jaime points up at the ceiling and says, "With him." The Reverend Mother glares at her for a few seconds before ordering her to team up with Sister Margo and get some garden hoeing done, pronto. Sister Margo turns out to be a cheerful nun who's obsessed with Latin, and can't bear the notion that it's considered a dead language. Jaime does her best to feign interest in what is undeniably a dead language, then glances over at the winery and remarks on how she'd love to see what goes on in there. Margo warns her that the Reverend Mother is ultra sensitive about any unauthorized person going anywhere near there...and adds that she's become so suspicious and stifling lately. She silently mulls over the tense atmosphere she's been subjected to for the past several months, then shakes off the resulting emotional trauma she's suffered and tells Jaime she mostly copes with it by burying her head in the sand and spending her leisure time focusing on her Latin. Jaime decides to hurry this mission along by bending the blade of her hoe so that Margo will have to go to the shed and get her another one...and once Margo's out of sight, Jaime kicks the gardening chore into bionic gear and quickly finishes hoeing the entire garden. She suddenly spots a blue truck arrive at the winery, stares at it quizzically, and bionically jogs over. Jaime discreetly watches as several men unload large barrels from the blue truck...then sneaks into the winery, where the Reverend Mother is barking orders at various nuns. Jaime hides behind a wall of barrels and notices white powder spilling out of one of the newly arrived barrels, gives it a taste, and somehow realizes it's heroin. Father Thomas suddenly spots her skulking around and chases after her...so she bionically flees the winery before he can ID her. Father Thomas gets on the nearest phone to report that he just saw an unauthorized nun snooping around the winery and says they need to accelerate their drug smuggling operation asap. Jaime radios Oscar to report that the episode has taken an unexpected turn into Narcos-style territory after she discovered a barrel of heroin in the winery...and Oscar's all, "Wha-a-a? A barrel of heroin?!" LOL. When she adds that it's clear that Father Thomas is knee deep into the smack operation, Oscar stares worriedly into space. Jaime returns to the winery and bionically overhears the smugglers talking about making a heroin shipment at 8:00am the next morning - just as the Reverend Mother spots her eavesdropping and chases after her. While in pursuit, Jaime finds a secret door leading to a secret room that's filled with bags of heroin, along with her little pouch of diamonds. She quickly radios Oscar to inform him that she recovered the missing diamonds and about $15 million worth of heroin...and Oscar is thrilled, then tells her he's pretty sure that the guy who's passing himself off as Father Thomas is an imposter. He wants to stage a raid asap, but Jaime urges him to hold off until 8:15am so they can catch the smack traffickers in the act. That evening, Jamie finds the Reverend Mother looking visibly troubled as she prays in the chapel...and when she activates her bionic hearing, she overhears her lament to God about how lost and ashamed she feels about the heroin operation going on right under her nose, and that she's pretty sure that a narc (posing as a nun) has been sent to expose her crimes. Jaime rushes over to the Reverend Mother, apologizes for passing herself off as a nun, then blabs about the OSI drug bust being set for 8:15am tomorrow morning. The Reverend Mother wails about how the chauvinist pig of a bishop is looking for any excuse to dissolve the convent so he can install his monks in the winery...then regrets being so cunty to the nuns ever since learning that she somehow allowed the convent's winery to be the epicenter of a smack den. Jaime refrains from asking how in the fuckity fuck she let that happen, and instead urges her to share her burden with the nuns and offer them a chance to be part of the solution - but the Reverend Mother wails that it's too late, 'cause the bishop will be dropping by at 8:30am tomorrow morning for an inspection. There's no doubt that once he witnesses a big drug bust occurring on the convent grounds, it'll be over for her and the sisters. Jaime refuses to accept that, insists that if they all put their heads together they can save the convent, then excitedly chirps, "A fired up group of Christian soldiers can do anything!" Jaime wakes all the nuns and gathers them together to explain the sitch. The Reverend Mother enters the room, apologizes for making their lives utter shit for the last several months, then promises that from now on she'll share with them the burden of whatever misery she's weighed down with. The nuns break into applause...and after that, Jaime goes over the details of Operation Prevent the Bishop From Getting Wind of the OSI's Drug Bust. She emphasizes how important it is that, under no circumstances, are the drug smugglers to be arrested on the convent's grounds. The plan is that they're to hide the packaged heroin that's being stashed in the secret room, then lure the smugglers off the property well before the OSI agents arrive. The next morning, the drug smugglers arrive promptly at 8:00am and head straight to the winery. Jaime blocks the front gate with an old car by bionically turning it onto its side...and the superfluous scene is filmed in slo mo with a lot of dun dun dun sound effects, so it takes a really loooooong time. A group of nuns prepare to steal the smugglers' blue truck - just as the OSI agents are en route. Oscar is befuddled when he sees that an overturned car is blocking the front gate...then looks even more befuddled when a small flock of sheep being tended to by a group of nuns are blocking the back exit. He scrunches his face in puzzlement and is all, "Wha-at in the worrrrrld?!" and just stares helplessly at the herd. Fortunately for Jaime's carefully orchestrated plan, he doesn't consider the possibility of ordering his agents to step around the sheep and proceed with their drug raid on foot. The drug smugglers are miffed when they discover that their packages of heroin are all missing, then exit the winery just as the nuns drive off in their blue truck. They take the bait by climbing into a nearby car and pursue them off the property...and once they're safely off convent grounds, Jaime hurls a rock at their car tire so that Oscar and his OSI agents can easily corner them on the public road. When he informs the smugglers that they're under arrest, they point out that there's no evidence to be making the arrest...but when the agents search their cars, they find several bags of heroin (carefully planted there earlier by the nuns, I'll have to assume). The fake Father Thomas stares up at the sky and cries, "We've been framed!" LOL. Shortly before 8:30am, Jaime rushes back to the front gate...and the Reverend Mother is openly mystified as she watches Jaime bionically move the overturned car - just in time to let the bishop through the gates for his inspection. Phew! In the next scene, the nuns happily tell Jaime that the inspection went well, and that the winery will remain under their control. Hurray! The Reverend Mother sheepishly admits that, yep, a burden is far easier to carry when it's shared, then tells Jaime she's genuinely sorry to see her go. She adds that she's seen the miraculous gifts [aka bionic limbs] that God [aka the OSI] has bestowed up on her and prays that she will always use them wisely, and Jaime solemnly replies, "I try to, Reverend Mother. I really do" ... then breaks into a wide grin before wandering off towards where Oscar is standing. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: This [far stupider than usual] episode opens in a spooky house on Fear Island...and the mood gets even more spooky by the arrival of Vincent Price at the front door of a large, creaky old house. He's greeted by the butler - hey, it's the actor who played Tessio in The Godfather! - who tells him that his brother Cyrus (also played by Vincent Price: a detail I somehow missed at first glance) is at death's door and is not expected to make it through the night. Tessio tiptoes upstairs and into Cyrus's room, where he looms over the dying man - until the man's eyes snap open and he barks at Tessio to stop staring at him, then bitches about how happy Vincent Price probably is that he's about to die. He asks Tessio if he'd like to be a wealthy man, then mocks him for devoting years of slavish servitude to the shitty Carstairs family. When Vincent Price sweeps into the room, the brothers pretend not to hate each other and talk in riddles about the afterlife...and Cyrus reveals that his final will is in the wall safe, which has been made burglar proof 'cause he didn't want anyone getting a preview of the stupid surprises within. He reveals that his entire fortune will be passed down to the smartest among them, cackles at his own cleverness, then promptly dies. Tessio feels for a pulse, then confirms to Vincent Price that, yep, his brother has indeed expired. He offers to notify the family's lawyer, who will summon the rest of the clan. Over at the OSI, Oscar is showing Jaime a giant slideshow of the notorious Carstairs crime family:
Oscar tells Jaime that her mission is to drop in on the Carstairs family in their spooky home on Fear Island, convince them she's their long lost niece, and find an envelop subtly labelled "top secret". Inside the envelop is a formula for a high speed alloy that the OSI uses for its jet fighters...and somehow Cyrus Carstairs got his hands on it and was about to sell it to an unnamed foreign enemy for millions, but died before the transaction could be made. Oscar has since learned that someone else in the family has offered up the formula to the unnamed foreign enemy, and is hopeful that Cyrus's last will and testament might offer some useful intel. Jaime looks less than thrilled at having to navigate a spooky house to complete this fuckwitted sounding mission...then gets slightly wigged out when Oscar makes it a point to warn her about the ultra creepiness of Vincent Price. Jaime arrives on Fear Island by boat...and to pass herself off as the Carstairs's long-lost niece who dresses like a fortune teller even in her down time, she's decked herself out in colorful gypsy-wear, dangley jewelry around her neck, and a long kerchief thing hanging down one side of her head. The boat driver tells her he's too skeered to escort her to the house 'cause he doesn't want to run into "the creature", then jumps back into his boat and speeds back to the mainland. LOL. As a perplexed Jaime starts making her way through the jungle, she activates her bionic hearing in time to hear footsteps and a weird moaning noise. She shrieks when she catches a glimpse of a hairy faced man-beast [which must have brought back fond memories of Bigfoot], then admonishes it for purposely trying to scare her. When the man-beast doesn't retort, Jaime kicks into bionic gear and starts chasing after him...and he's all, "Ack!" and disappears into an underground hideout. As Jaime ambles up the front walk to the house, someone standing on an upper balcony pushes a giant clay flower pot off of the railing and narrowly misses killing her. Jaime lets that brazen murder attempt sink in for a moment, then lets herself in through the front door while calling out, "Hello..?" When she hears a banging noise, she races upstairs and finds Vincent Price trying to sledge hammer his way into Cyrus's safe. He glares at her suspiciously and asks her who the hell she is, so she tells him she's his niece Tracy...and that she's plenty freaked out after encountering Bigfoot Lite in the jungle and then almost getting killed by a flower pot in front of the house. Vincent Price chuckles and chalks up the flower pot "mishap" to Cyrus's negligence in letting the house fall into disrepair. He gives her a scrutinizing once-over and says she looks completely different than he remembers, then tells her to not harbor too much hope that Cyrus left her anything in his will. He explains that his brother's dying words were: "I left it all to the smartest among you" and naturally assumes that that can only mean him. Claudette Carstairs, a stylish and attractive diva, arrives on the island with the family's lawyer, Andrew Warfield. She babbles incoherently about hoping she's the sole beneficiary of her dead brother's estate, then imperiously orders Warfield to bring along her mountain of luggage. Jaime radios Oscar (code name Snow White) and tells him that so far there's been one attempt on her life, but that it's not currently possible to flee 'cause the water surrounding Fear Island is filled with snakes and alligators. She tells him that Cyrus's will is locked inside his safe, and that she's going to sneak into his room and try to crack it open. Claudette and Warfield, meanwhile, nearly get killed by a different flower pot as they amble up the front walk. Aunt Tess, a stout woman with a British accent, is the last family member to arrive. She babbles at the disinterested boat driver about how she, and not her beautiful sister Claudette, is more deserving of inheriting the family fortune. Jaime spots Claudette skulking in the hallway...and once the coast is clear, she tiptoes into Cyrus's room, presses her bionic ear against the safe, and starts trying to crack it. Aunt Tess hears the mysterious man-beast in the jungle and reacts by pulling a pistol out of her purse and firing aimlessly in the direction of the moaning noises. LOL. The man-beast panics when the bullets start indiscriminately flying and runs off. Claudette catches Jaime with her ear against Cyrus's safe and demands to know what she's doing...but before Jaime can respond, Vincent Price enters the room and says, "She was just trying to cheat us" then chuckles and adds, "Just like we were." Aunt Tess bursts into the room brandishing her pistol and asks whassup, so Vincent Price reacquaints his sisters with their "long-lost niece". The three look her over, remark on the complete lack of family resemblance...but then concede that since she was just caught trying to scam them out of Cyrus's fortune, she's definitely cut from the same cloth as them. Jaime gives them a little head bow, then agrees to let Claudette usher her back to her room. Jaime radios Oscar again and tells him she hasn't yet found the "top secret" envelop, but that she did manage to fool the Carstairs clan into believing she's really Tracy. She calls the family homicidal and isn't sure which one of them might have made the deal to sell the high speed alloy formula. Oscar tells her that since the formula hasn't yet been sold to the unnamed foreign enemy, he can only assume it's still hidden somewhere in the house. It remains unclear why Oscar can't just gather a bunch of OSI agents together and raid the place - like TV FBI agents are always doing. Jaime informs him that the official will reading is scheduled to take place in a few hours...and then the camera pans across the room, where the man-beast is spying on her from a large peephole cut into the wood paneling. When Jaime ends her call with Oscar and goes into the bathroom to change into a different gypsy outfit and headwrap, the man-beast sneaks in, rifles through Jaime's purse, and steals her little OSI radio. The will reading! Warfield reads aloud the safe's combination to Vincent, and he opens it and pulls out a package containing a VHS cassette. Apparently, Cyrus thought it'd be fun and extra dramatic to make a video recording of his last will and testament. The family gathers around the television to watch Cyrus posthumously give them instructions on a tedious fuuuuuucking scavenger hunt for his safety deposit box, which contains all of his valuable papers and stock certificates. Cyrus recites a series of nonsensical clues - shoes, ships, ceiling wax, cabbages, kings, pigs with wings - and everyone stares confusedly at each other as the hunt is declared on. Vincent Price grumbles about how childish this is, then slyly suggests that they wait until 6:00am to start the hunt. Everyone pretends to agree and retires to their rooms. As predicted, everyone sneaks out of their room to get a jump on the scavenger hunt. Jaime opens her window, bionically leaps to the ground, then re-enters the house through the front door and heads to the kitchen. I can only assume she figured that that route would be quicker than taking the stairs (??). Claudette is searching through a closet, but finds nothing...while Vincent Price is cutting open a mattress and smashing a television set in case Cyrus somehow hid the safety deposit box inside the picture tube. Warfield searches through a china cabinet, then wrestles with Aunt Tess over a little statue of a king...which they accidentally drop on the floor and watch as it smashes to pieces. Jaime is mystified when Warfield suddenly disappears...then narrowly avoids being abducted herself when the man-beast hears a banging noise. Jaime investigates the source of the noise and finds Claudette smashing a model ship while searching for clues. Claudette barks at Jaime to get out of the room...and minutes later, she too mysteriously disappears. Jaime runs into Tessio and tells him that a bunch of people have abruptly gone missing - but he seems creepily unconcerned and tells her that Vincent Price is ripping the attic apart in search of clues, then rambles on about something or other. (This is where I really started mentally checking out of the episode.) Aunt Tess appears, still clutching her gun, and accuses Jaime of doing something to Warfield and Claudette. She orders Jaime to turn around with her hands up...and while that's happening, the man-beast grabs Aunt Tess's gun and silently abducts her. Jaime turns around and looks freaked out by yet another disappearance...and as she flees upstairs, Vincent Price appears from out of nowhere and ominously declares, "You're next, my dear." Jaime returns to her room to re-strategize...and while she's doing that, she happens to spot the man-beast peeping at her from behind the wall. Vincent Price enters her room at that moment, and Jaime points at the wall and tells him that she just saw someone staring at her from behind it. Vincent Price calls that ridiculous and suggests they join forces in the scavenger hunt. Jaime agrees, but says she has dibs on any envelop that's labeled "top secret". The two shake on it, then put their heads together as they decide on their next move. Vincent Price and Jaime stare at a painting of Cyrus playing chess, recap his cryptic clues, and through a genius collective analysis conclude that the safety deposit box must be buried in the old family burial crypt in the dungeon-like basement. The two rush downstairs...and after Jaime bionically digs it up, the man-beast - aka Tessio in a Halloween mask, LOL - bursts onto the scene. Vincent Price smugly tells Jaime that, unbeknownst to everyone, he and Tessio have been in cahoots this entire time so they could steal the family fortune for themselves, then orders her to hand over the safety deposit box. Tessio grabs the "top secret" envelop, says he knows that a valuable formula is inside, and needlessly informs Jaime that he made a deal with an unnamed foreign enemy to buy it for millions. In another twist, he double-crosses Vincent Price 'cause he's too greedy to share the spoils of this finders keepers type scavenger hunt, and leads Vincent Price and Jaime to a row of jail cells, where the abducted Carstairs family members are being held captive. He leads the two into a cell and chains the door shut. Tessio radios the unnamed foreign enemy and tells them he has the goods, but that he could use some help disposing of some pesky witnesses. The unnamed foreign enemy replies that they'd be more than happy to oblige. The Carstairs family members are grumbling from their cells and sniping among each other. Jaime pretends to study the rusty old chains holding their cell door together and tells Vincent Price that if they put a little muscle into it, they could probably break out. She grabs a hold of the chain, bionically breaks it, then kicks the door open. She and Vincent Price quickly sneak upstairs and find Tessio, who's sipping brandy and reveling in his new-found wealth. Vincent Price grabs his gun and points it at him, while Jaime snatches the "top secret" envelop and stuffs it behind her belt. A few seconds later, a water plane makes its landing on the island...and Jaime's all, "Oh no!" and warns Vincent Price that it's probably the unnamed foreign enemies/dangerous killers who have come for the formula. She suggests to Vincent Price that he pretend to be Tessio and fake his way through the deal making before luring them into the basement, then brings Tessio downstairs and locks him into a cell. After that, she releases the Carstairs from their cells and orders them to do exactly as she says. Vincent Price greets the unnamed foreign enemies - two sinister looking men with mustaches not in white suits - who inform him that the payment for the formula is currently in a Swiss bank account...and that once they receive it, they'll transfer the cash. Sounds pretty dubious, but OK. Vincent Price nods his approval and says he'll show them to where the pesky witnesses who need killing are being held, then ushers them into the dungeon basement. With the help of the other Carstairs family members, he lures the two men through a side tunnel, which Jaime seals shut after bionically blocking the entrance with a couple of heavy stone doors. The Carstairs look aghast at Jaime's superhuman strength, but there's no time - no time! - for anyone to fully unpack that oddity 'cause Jaime suddenly realizes that the "top secret" envelop she'd stuffed behind her belt is gone! She correctly suspects that the thief is Vincent Price, and deduces that while she wasn't looking, he sneaked upstairs and made a run for it. She races up the stairs then jogs in bionic slo-mo - dun dun dun dun - through the jungle. Vincent Price makes it to the dock and jumps into the boat...and when he can't get the motor to work, he starts frantically rowing. Jaime arrives just in time to grab the rope and violently pull the boat back to shore. Vincent Price meekly says he knows that his attempted escape with the government formula looks incriminating, then sheepishly hands over the "top secret" envelop. Jaime decompresses from the boneheaded mission by dining in an outdoor restaurant with Oscar. She expresses relief that the crazy Carstairs family is finally in jail...and Oscar's like, "Uh, about that..." and tells her that since none of the Carstairs would agree to testify against each other, he had to let them all go. Aside from the fact that Jaime herself witnessed Vincent Price stealing an OSI formula and could testify to that in court, what the hell kind of fucked up justice system is Oscar working under? Jaime's all, "Wha-a-a?" and then spots the Carstairs sitting at a nearby table. The waiter comes over and says that the Carstairs have requested permission to join them, and Jaime's like, "Hell no!" - but the clan refuses to take hell no for an answer and they all get up from their table and start heading over. Jaime stares in horror at Oscar, whose face is scrunched in a combination of faux bewilderment and amusement. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Jaime and Steve are watching the news in Jaime's hospital room, their faces scrunched concernedly as the news anchor reports the bizarre, unseasonable storms that defy any kind of plausible explanation. Rudy enters the room and coos at Jaime to chillax, but she insists she's fine and is ready to be dispatched to rescue Oscar...and to prove that she's feeling much better, she picks up a metal pitcher and bionically bends it. Rudy's like, "OK, I'm sold" and informs her and Steve that the Pentagon is gearing up for a full scale attack on Dr. Franklin and the out-of-control weather device he stole right from under OSI's nose with the aid of an Oscar manbot. We then get some realistic looking footage of various U.S. military ships being readied as if they're about to kick-start World War III...and there's a snappish decree over a noisy PA system: "Man your battle stations!!" LOL. Over at the Pentagon, Hanson is briefing a group of generals and admirals about the current weather crisis. From his new base of operations (southeast of Jamaica), Dr. Franklin is using the weather control device to stir up terrible storms in the southern interior of the U.S. His one demand is for the Pentagon (and/or the OSI?) to admit that his smarts are far superior than theirs...and if they're willing to do that, he'll happily surrender. Seems like the easiest and most non-violent way to end this ridiculous standoff, but naturally the general and admirals adamantly refuse to stroke the nutty doctor's ego and instead discuss how best to bomb the shit out of his little island. One general suggests launching missiles at the target - but Rudy warns that the "ionic exchange could disorient the internal guidance systems" [eeeek...sounds grave], which means that the missiles could land in populated areas. One of the more humane generals reminds the group that Oscar Goldman is still being held hostage, but Hanson's like, "Meh.." and clicks open a PowerPoint presentation that outlines the best ideas he could come up with to deal with Dr. Franklin and his weather madness:
When Jaime and Steve arrive in the Situation Room to join the meeting, one of the admirals gallantly kisses Jaime's hand (!), while another snidely asks if this "young lady" has the appropriate level of security clearance to be in the room. Rudy assures the sexist assbag that Jaime is a Level 6 OSI agent, and that he and Steve can personally vouch for her. With that settled, Hanson asks Rudy to give the group a psychological profile of Dr. Franklin, so Rudy tells them that the mad as a hatter scientist is deeply insecure and needs to prove himself...and feels safe now that he's created a small army of deadly fembots to serve as his protectors. The generals and admirals frown disapprovingly and express concern that if they give in to Crazy now, the demands will never stop. Hanson posts satellite photos of Dr. Franklin's island, which illustrate the cloud patterns around the island so that it is always at the center of the storm and therefore invulnerable to an air attack. Rudy warns that if they attack from above, Dr. Franklin will likely be provoked into stirring up even more devastating weather conditions for the U.S., but Hanson just shrugs and says he's still stubbornly inclined to go with Plan 1. He asks Admiral Richter to issue the order - but Jaime interjects to plead with the men to let her and Steve make an attempt to save Oscar before they start dropping bombs. Hanson snarkishly tells her the issue has been closed, to which Jaime snaps, "Then re-open it!" - but the generals agree that none of them could give even the tiniest of rat's asses about the fate of Oscar Goldman, and give Hanson's bombing idea an enthusiastic thumbs up. With Plan 1 cleared by the Pentagon to proceed, the air operations of the U.S. military kick into gear, and a fleet of jets take off to launch an attack on Dr. Franklin's base. Over in the Caribbean, Dr. Franklin is monitoring the advance of military aircraft while Oscar and Callahan stare nervously into space about the deteriorating situation. Dr. Franklin cranks up the gale force winds on his weather control device...and a few seconds later, we get some alarming looking footage of a violently churning ocean mixed with heavy rain. Steve tells Jaime that what they really need for Operation Rescue Oscar on the Down-low is a submarine...and the two head over to kindly Admiral Richter's office. Steve wanks Richter about being a progressive man who's always been willing to buck the establishment in favor of a good plan, then asks him to please please please lend him and Jaime an atomic submarine so they can sneak onto the island and rescue Oscar. Richter contorts his face disapprovingly, calls the idea ridiculous, and says he firmly believes in the boneheaded plan of action that's currently in place. He asks Steve what he and "this pretty young lady" could possibly hope to accomplish by themselves, so the two demonstrate their bionic skills by bending a solid brass souvenir ship wheel. Admiral Richter's all, "Wha-a-a?", then looks thoroughly impressed when Steve explains that they're both part human/part bionic spies with superhuman strength who, between the two of them, also have bionic seeing and hearing abilities. Admiral Richter gazes admiringly into space and says he had no idea the OSI had working models of cyborg spies, then decides, "Ah fuck it.." and grants Steve and Jaime access to an atomic submarine to carry out the impromptu rescue mission. Hurray! Oscar and Callahan look increasingly concerned when Dr. Franklin barks, "More wind!!" at Fembot Katie, who cranks up the gale force winds volume knob. Almost immediately, the military pilots en route to the island have serious visibility issues, so they're ordered to return to base and suspend Operation Blow Up Nutter's Island Base. Back at the Pentagon, Admiral Richter chooses that moment to smugly inform his colleagues about the secret mission he approved involving two OSI spies aboard an atomic submarine...and they get all pissy at him for going rogue behind their backs. Aboard the submarine, Jaime (who, for some reason, has decked herself out in purple leisure-wear) and Steve are poring over a map with Commander Gordon. If all goes according to plan, they will arrive at the island tomorrow...and as they're talking, the submarine drops further down into the ocean to avoid the tumultuous storm above. When Dr. Franklin learns that the fighter jets have returned to their bases, he dials back the strength of the gale force winds. A distressed Oscar asks what he wants out of all this, and Dr. Franklin smugly says he's enjoying the moment...as well as exacting revenge on everyone who ever told him what a deranged loser he is. He then cackles evilly while declaring his faux victory heady and delicious. Jaime and Steve continue to pore over the map and plot out which side of the island they should infiltrate first. Steve tells Jaime that if they happen to get separated, they should meet up at the island's ginormous dam - a detail which will be (somewhat) important to the plot later. The submarine suddenly crashes into some kind of underwater security net that Dr. Franklin must have somehow cobbled together and installed in the ocean...and a bummed Commander Gordon says that this likely means they'll have to scrap the mission. Steve refuses to admit defeat and asks him if he has a scuba suit...and Jaime gets in on that action and chirps, "Two!" In the next scene, the two are suited up in matching scuba gear and are ready to exit the sub. After they're swiftly ejected, they bionically swim through a violent rain storm and get separated in the process. Jaime stares at the churning water around her and screeches, "Steeeeeve!!" and when he doesn't answer, she continues swimming towards shore. Jaime arrives on a quiet beach and quickly removes her scuba suit, underneath which she still has on her purple leisure-wear. A helicopter manned by a fembot suddenly appears and starts to descend on her, and she's all, "Ack!" and bionically jogs uphill into a nearby wooded area. From his complex, Dr. Franklin orders the fembot to pursue Jaime, who manages to hide beneath some heavy foliage. A miffed Dr. Franklin dispatches two additional fembots to hunt her down...and I can't help thinking that Jaime should probably not have worn purple for a risky rescue mission on an island riddled with fembot cameras. Dr. Franklin informs Oscar and Callahan that Jaime somehow washed up on the island, then address Jaime directly via the fembot manning the helicopter. He warns her that if she doesn't give herself up asap, he's going to kill Oscar. Oscar stoically informs Dr. Franklin that Jaime is well aware of his orders regarding his capture and insists that he's ready to die as an OSI martyr. Dr. Franklin sneeringly calls his acceptance of certain death "very noble", then argues that he doesn't believe for a second Jaime is going to let him die without a fight. He ominously adds that, for that reason, he cannot allow her to make it to his complex alive. Jaime continues bionically jogging through hurricane force winds. As trees get uprooted, she trips and hits her head on a rock...but fortunately this occurs near heavy foliage, which keeps her well hidden. An irked Dr. Franklin dispatches yet another fembot to capture her and snaps, "If she resists, kill her!" Back at the Pentagon, the military brass is carefully monitoring the increasingly bizarre weather patterns in the Caribbean. They're perplexed by the storm that's advancing toward Dr. Franklin's island...and Rudy theorizes that the arrival of Jaime and Steve likely prompted him to stir up the messy storm. One of the generals says he's not at all comfortable relying on two OSI spies to successfully complete this mission and would really really like to re-launch Plan 1 - but Admiral Richter argues that Jaime and Steve deserve the chance to succeed...and not get blown up by "friendly (bomb) fire" in the process. Jaime regains consciousness just as a fembot advances on her. She grabs a large rock and aims it at the fembot's power source, and the bionic blow instantly destroys the bot and also causes a transmission failure for Dr. Franklin. On another computer monitor, he spots Steve wash up on the shore - who, for some reason, wore only a pair of short beige shorts underneath his scuba suit - and orders the fembot in the helicopter to pursue and capture him. Jaime, meanwhile, strips off the black jumpsuit and helmet that the destroyed fembot was wearing and quickly puts it on over her purple leisure wear, then rushes to the beach to help Steve fend off the robot attackers. They attempt to take control of the helicopter - but when a fembot swiftly disables it, they throw in the towel on that ill-fated plan and decide to bionically jog toward the dam. Dr. Franklin orders his fembots to raise the wind levels in order to slow Jaime and Steve down...then concedes aloud that the OSI cyborgs are indeed extraordinary specimens - though they're still no match for nature's fury. Dr. Franklin's male assistant - who I don't recall seeing before now - warns him that he's ramping up the weather system too high and too quickly, and that it's creating dangerously unstable conditions. Dr. Franklin snaps that the instability caused by unleashing severe weather is their greatest asset, then shoves his assistant out of the way and turns up the wind strength knob even higher. A short shorts clad Steve and Jaime race towards the dam as the fembots struggle to remain in close pursuit. An increasingly frustrated Dr. Franklin barks, "Faster! Catch them!" Callahan whimpers to Oscar about how the sound of thunder terrifies her - and Oscar puts his grave face on and says that things will get far more terrifying when the thunder stops...'cause it'll mean that both Steve and Jaime are dead. As Jaime, Steve, and the fembots approach the dam, Dr. Franklin worries aloud that lightning is going to strike and destroy his beloved fembots...and his beleaguered assistant just shrugs helplessly and points out that because of his stubborn dickfoolery, the storm is far too out-of-control to rein in now. And speaking of the storm being completely out-of-control, lightning suddenly strikes two of the fembots, causing their power sources to spark and explode. Dr. Franklin screeches at Fembot Katie to get off the dam - but a couple of seconds later, she too is struck by lightning and destroyed. As Jaime and Steve bionically jog across the dam, lightning strikes it as well, causing it to crack and start flooding the island. A despondent Dr. Franklin wanders over to where Oscar and Callahan are standing and tells them that since their fates no longer matter to him, they're free to go...then adds that the complex is about to be washed away by a rapidly approaching flood. Oscar implores him to escape certain death by fleeing along with them, but he declines and says he'd like to match his (Oscar's) heroic example and go down with the ship...er, computer lab. Oscar, Callahan, and Dr. Franklin's assistant say they're A-OK with that and beat a hasty retreat while Dr. Franklin sadly watches his computers get destroyed by a series of implausible lightning strikes. Jaime and Steve enter the complex...and when Jaime spots Dr. Franklin, she quickly runs over to him. He applauds the OSI for building cyborgs who are far superior to his fembots...and Jaime just stares at him blankly, then looks over at a computer monitor that's showing footage of the dam breaking. She orders him to come with her, but Dr. Franklin says he'd rather end it all inside his soon-to-be ravaged complex. Jaime refuses to take no for an answer and threatens to use her bionics to pick him up and carry him if he gives her no choice...and Dr. Franklin poutishly says if he's going to survive the flood, he'd prefer to do so with his last scrap of dignity intact. He criticizes Jaime for being one of those pesky, independent type women with a mind of her own, then voluntarily leaves with her...and seconds after they exit the building, water comes crashing in. Steve, who's still prancing around in just his short shorts, appears just in time to help rescue them from the rising flood. After the commercial break, the group safely makes it to high ground, where they spot a rescue vessel floating off shore. Jaime wanks Dr. Franklin by telling him he's done some pretty amazing shit during this fembot trilogy, however alarmingly demented and illegal it may have been...but Dr. Franklin says he doesn't feel at all amazing and regrets having such an oversized ego. Steve and Jaime amble towards the beach, while Dr. Franklin bloviates about how the things in life that aren't controllable are the best things of all. Oscar smiles in agreement...and then he and Dr. Franklin stroll behind Jaime and Steve as if Dr. Franklin isn't a complete psycho-nut who didn't spend the last three episodes creating dangerous killing machines, unleashing damaging storms on the U.S. for no coherent reason...and, most disturbingly, made repeated threats to murder Oscar, Jaime, and Steve. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Steve drops by the hospital to check on Jaime, who's recuperating under Rudy's watchful eye after blowing out both bionic legs after a desperate jump at the end of the previous episode. Rudy tells Steve he's worried that Jaime's body may be starting to reject her bionics (again) ... and both men stare concernedly as she lays motionless in her bed. Steve arrives at the NSB to check in with Hanson on Operation Rescue (or Execute?) Oscar. Hanson grumbles at Steve about the major security breach coming from the OSI, then criticizes Jaime for going all lone wolf when she went to Callahan's apartment to look into her weird behavior. He snarks that because of the bad outcome of that decision, the NSB can't locate Callahan or fully investigate "the robot story". When Steve's all, "Wha-a-a? Robots?", Hanson impatiently explains that before losing consciousness in the hospital, Jaime had muttered something about Callahan being a robot. He curls his lips with disdain as he says he hates that brand of heroics, and also that they need to locate Oscar before he starts spilling government secrets. When Steve perks up at the prospect of showcasing his furry chest and slo-mo bionics during a rescue mission, Hanson sternly reminds him that the job of locating Oscar is officially under NSB jurisdiction...but Steve doesn't look as though he has any intention of obeying that edict. Steve heads back to the hospital to ask Rudy if he remembers what Jaime had said about Callahan the night she leaped from her apartment window. When Rudy replies, "Not much", the two agree that they're going to need to temporarily revive Jaime so she can provide them with whatever relevant information she has...even though it seemed pretty clear that Rudy heard her mutter, "They're robots" at the end of the previous episode. Rudy gets a syringe with some kind of wake-up potion in it, lifts the bed sheets and injects it into one of Jaime's buttocks (!), and within a few seconds she's moaning her way back to consciousness. She tells them that Callahan and a shapely redhead who appeared at the apartment were both robots...and that she knows this 'cause their face skins got ripped off during the scuffle, and also 'cause they were physically stronger than her bionics could handle. Rudy chirps, "That explains it!" and says that the robots' wiring is probably what caused Jaime's newly enhanced bionic ear to detect the weird buzzing noise. Steve suggests high-tuning Jaime's ear back to supersonic levels so she can better detect the robots, and then he and Rudy rush over to a nearby lab to re-calibrate the cumbersome looking ear tuning machine. While they're doing that, Dr. Franklin - via the live feed installed in Fembot Linda - eavesdrops on their conversation and watches in puzzlement as Steve uses his bionic hands to speedily rewire the ear tuning machine. It suddenly dawns on him that the OSI has developed not one, but two bionic people! Steve and Rudy wheel the machine over to Jaime's room to reset her ear...and after that Steve returns to the lab, where Fembot Linda continues to mill around so that Dr. Franklin can keep monitoring what's going on. Steve taps some numbers into the OSI's giant '70s computer to pinpoint the exact coordinates of Dr. Franklin's base...and I dunno exactly how that secret intel came about 'cause I kind of checked out during this scene and then couldn't bring myself to hit rewind. Dr. Franklin announces to Oscar (and the fembots standing nearby) that Steve Austin has just learned where his base is - and Oscar smugly warns him that it's just a matter of time before the OSI swoops in to rescue him. Dr. Franklin looks unfazed and says he's off to prepare for "their guest" ... and as he scampers off, Oscar stares after him worriedly. Steve flies a helicopter to Dr. Franklin's secret base...and his arrival is monitored by Dr. Franklin and his fembot harem. Steve exits the helicopter and is sneaking around the base when Callahan suddenly pokes her head out of a window covered with iron bars, cries out, "Hey Steve!", and tells him that Oscar is being held in the main building. Steve rips the iron bars off the window and helps Callahan climb out...and she tells him that while the base has infrared beams everywhere, there are very few armed guards on the premises. The two quickly encounter Fembot Katie, who's holding a large metal pole and standing in a ready-to-attack position. She swings it at Steve, but his bionics are strong enough to deflect the blows. Amid all the chaos, Callahan's face skin gets ripped off - ack! - revealing that she too is a googly-eyed fembot. Steve grabs a metal pole that just happens to be laying nearby, bionically leaps over the two fembots, and lands on a wooden platform that's conveniently located a few feet away. Dr. Franklin speaks to him via an outdoor loudspeaker system and taunts him about how much stronger the fembots are than his bionic limbs...then says that if he surrenders easily, he'll get fair treatment. Steve mulls that over for a few seconds before throwing his metal pole like a javelin at the communications tower...and as it sizzles and fizzles, the Katie and Callahan fembots go into offline mode and wander around in circles, bumping into each other like windup dolls. Dr. Franklin looks miffed that his plan to capture the OSI's Six Million Dollar Man has gone awry...while Oscar smiles in gleeful satisfaction. Two armed guards are dispatched to chase after Steve, so he flees to a nearby building, where he finds Linda tied to a chair. As he quickly deduces that the Linda back in DC must be a fembot, he quickly unties her...and she directs him to the computer lab, where she last saw Oscar being held. As he rushes toward the computer lab, he spots Dr. Franklin making a hasty escape, then finds Oscar standing in a nearby holding cell. When Steve asks if he has any idea where Callahan is, Oscar sadly tells him that she was killed by a guard when he assumed she was trying to escape. The armed guards move in on Steve and open fire - but they miss and accidentally shoot up Dr. Franklin's computers. Steve manages to narrowly escape the building with Oscar and Linda, then bionically barricades the exit door with giant steel drums that always seem to be laying around for his convenience whenever he appears in a Bionic Woman crossover episode. The three make it to Steve's chopper and climb aboard...but as Steve starts up the engine, he scrunches his face bemusedly and remarks that he's going to have to make adjustments for the extra weight. He ignores that red flag and manages to lift the helicopter off the ground...and a few seconds later, the buildings on the base suddenly blow up. Oscar tells Steve it must have happened 'cause of all the hydrogen Dr. Franklin had laying around from working with so much plastic (to cobble together his fembots)...then jokes that he'd better tell Hanson to cancel his orders to kill him. Callahan (who's not really dead - yay!) is being restrained by a face skin-less fembot as the two of them and Dr. Franklin stand on a hill and watch the base go up in flames. When Callahan calls his actions insane, he explains that he wants everyone to think his entire base was destroyed so that they can travel undetected to his real base, somewhere in the Caribbean. Once he settles in, he's going to work on his life's mission: gain control of the OSI's weather control device...even though it seems like a highly unreliable device that's still very much in beta test mode. Back at the OSI, Hanson peppers Oscar with questions about Dr. Franklin, his destroyed base of operations, and Callahan's death. After the inquisition, Oscar asks Steve to tell Rudy to run frequency tests on everyone to make sure there are no more fembots roaming around, then gets on the phone with the Secretary [of Whatever] to report that Dr. Franklin has infiltrated the OSI with realistic looking fembots for the purpose of infiltrating the OSI and stealing the weather control device. He says he's not certain if the nutter was killed during the explosion - but to be prudent he recommends they move the component parts of the device from White Sands to a new location: Base 5. Rudy performs surgery on Jaime's messed up legs...and when he's finished, he assures Steve that she's going to be A-OK. The two wander over to an exam room to stare down at Fembot Linda, who's been powered down and is laying motionless on a stretcher. Rudy says that the fembot weighs 482 lbs. (!) and that he's just itching to bring her back to life so he can study her CPU innards. Steve scrunches his face concernedly and cautions him about the dangers of a functioning fembot, but Rudy breezily tells him he's got it under control. He then removes the fembot's face skin and gushes about how beauuuuutiful Dr. Franklin's design work is, despite the flaw of not better securing the face skin to the rest of the head so it doesn't get ripped off every time the bots engage in a tussle. Steve looks unimpressed and says he's off to check on Jaime. Oscar tells whatever minion he's on the phone with that his top priority is to move the weather control device components to a more secure location. Jaime regains consciousness and lets out a happy cry when she sees both Oscar and Steve at her bedside. She clutches Steve's hand, then tells Oscar she's soooo happy he made it home safely after being abducted. When a call comes in for Oscar, he tells whoever's on the other end that he'll take it in his office. Steve tells Jaime he's off to get some sleep, then gives her an intense smooch and a wink on his way out. Squeal! When Steve drops in on the lab to needlessly bid goodnight to Rudy, Rudy giddily tells him he's enjoying studying Fembot Linda's innards 'cause of everything he's learning about robot technology. Suddenly, Fembot Linda's power source re-beams signals to Dr. Franklin's communication system, and she starts making beepy computer noises. Steve stops by Oscar's office just as Oscar is making arrangements for the transfer of the weather control device. As Steve eavesdrops and watches Oscar pace the room, he becomes quietly alarmed when he notices that his heavy gait is leaving shoe imprints on the carpet. He has a flashback of the earlier scene in the helicopter with Linda and Oscar when he had to make an adjustment for the additional [400+ lbs.] weight...then decides to test his suspicions by tossing a pencil onto the carpet to see what happens. Oscar unwittingly crushes it when he steps on it - eeeeek! - and while that's happening, Dr. Franklin is monitoring the transport of the weather machine. A dismayed Human Oscar watches the latest developments unfold and solemnly tells Dr. Franklin, "The game isn't over yet." No shit, Oscar. We still have Part 3 to slog through. Steve rushes back to the lab, closes the door, and tells Rudy it looks like he didn't rescue the real Oscar after all...and that the Oscar who's been milling around the OSI is a man robot: a manbot. Which is weird 'cause I thought Dr. Franklin was a misogynist assbag who was strictly into building female bots "as beautiful or as deadly" as he chooses to make them. Rudy says he'd really like to believe him, but that he's resistant to let his brain go there 'cause it means that Dr. Franklin is still holding the real Oscar Goldman hostage. Steve reminds Rudy that when he was looking up Dr. Franklin's base coordinates on the lab computer, Fembot Linda had been lurking around, watching - and Rudy decides to face reality and cries, "Yes!" and says that that must have prompted Dr. Franklin to plot the infiltration of the OSI via an Oscar manbot. Both men agree that they need to figure out how to stop the doctor's nefarious plan and get Oscar back without revealing to Manbot Oscar that they're onto him. And speaking of Manbot Oscar... He lumbers into the lab to tell Steve he needs to send him to Hawaii this minute 'cause of "something funny" going on there (must be all that poi and hula dancing) ... and when Steve stubbornly digs in and agrees to fly out only after he's had a good night's rest, Manbot Oscar relents and allows him to leave in the morning. Dr. Franklin narrows his face suspiciously and wonders aloud if Steve is onto his manbot - but Human Oscar tells him it's doubtful, and that Steve refuses direct orders all the time. Dr. Franklin glares at him, says he doesn't buy it, and declares that Steve is going to have to be neutralized asap. Oh no! Manbot Oscar calls Hanson and tells him he suspects Steve Austin of being one of Dr. Franklin's robots, and that he should get on that right away. When Steve enters the OSI parking garage, Hanson appears with several armed officers and accuses Steve of being a bot and impersonating an OSI agent. One of the officers runs a robot detection scanner over him (LOL), detects the wires in his bionic limbs, and everyone leaps to the conclusion that he's a robot. Steve tries to explain why his limbs are made of wires - but when Hanson refuses to listen, he bionically leaps atop a van that's exiting the parking garage, then jumps over a brick fence and jogs off in dun dun dun dun slo-mo. He quickly scurries over to Linda's apartment, tells her that Hanson thinks he's a manbot, then asks her to call Rudy and arrange a meeting in Jaime's hospital room. Steve sneaks into the OSI hospital disguised as an orderly...and by disguised, I mean he's dressed in a white shirt and pants while pushing a wheelchair around. Rudy shows him the ludicrous looking high frequency microwave gun he was given by the props department and says if fired accurately it will interrupt the video feed that's getting beamed back to Dr. Franklin. Sounds remotely plausible. He then calls Manbot Oscar and tells him there's a problem with Jaime, namely that she's been moaning about how he (Oscar) is a robot. Manbot Oscar says he's on his way, then stares into space looking very sinister. Rudy reminds Steve that the microwave gun will interrupt just the video feed...so if they want to cut Dr. Franklin off entirely, they'll need to disconnect Manbot Oscar's power source, located at the back of his head. Manbot Oscar enters Jaime's hospital room, lifts up both robotic arms, and slams them onto the bed in an effort to permanently shut Jaime up - but Steve, who was hiding under the sheets, leaps out of the way just in time and then lunges across the bed. The two crash into the hallway and wrestle around on the floor...and Rudy runs out after them and yells at the bewildered hospital staff, "Clear the area!" LOL. Manbot Oscar attempts to punch Steve, but hits the wall and gets his fists trapped in drywall...and somehow does that twice. Steve drops a large shelf atop him...and just as Hanson arrives to open fire on Steve, Manbot Oscar's face skin gets ripped off so he can be revealed as a robot, and Steve quickly pulls off his wig and yanks out the power source from the back of his head. Over in the Caribbean, Dr. Franklin is staring confusedly at his computer monitor, which is suddenly no longer streaming surveillance video from Manbot Oscar. Steve shoots Hanson an irritated stink-eye and snarkishly tells him he's a bionic man, not a robotic killing machine. Jaime is sitting up in bed, insisting to Rudy and Steve that she feels well enough to co-star with Steve in Part 3 of this inane trilogy. A few seconds later, Linda bursts into the room to inform them that Fembot Linda has come back to life (!) ... and everyone runs over to the lab, where Fembot Linda is sitting up and acting as a Bluetooth speaker for Dr. Franklin's latest news. He informs them that he's now in control of their bum weather control device, then points out how windy it currently is in DC. He threatens to increase the wind to the point that it will destroy the city...then laughs evilly as Jaime and Steve stare out the window and note the swaying trees, and exchange concerned glances. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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