Recap: This [far stupider than usual] episode opens in a spooky house on Fear Island...and the mood gets even more spooky by the arrival of Vincent Price at the front door of a large, creaky old house. He's greeted by the butler - hey, it's the actor who played Tessio in The Godfather! - who tells him that his brother Cyrus (also played by Vincent Price: a detail I somehow missed at first glance) is at death's door and is not expected to make it through the night. Tessio tiptoes upstairs and into Cyrus's room, where he looms over the dying man - until the man's eyes snap open and he barks at Tessio to stop staring at him, then bitches about how happy Vincent Price probably is that he's about to die. He asks Tessio if he'd like to be a wealthy man, then mocks him for devoting years of slavish servitude to the shitty Carstairs family. When Vincent Price sweeps into the room, the brothers pretend not to hate each other and talk in riddles about the afterlife...and Cyrus reveals that his final will is in the wall safe, which has been made burglar proof 'cause he didn't want anyone getting a preview of the stupid surprises within. He reveals that his entire fortune will be passed down to the smartest among them, cackles at his own cleverness, then promptly dies. Tessio feels for a pulse, then confirms to Vincent Price that, yep, his brother has indeed expired. He offers to notify the family's lawyer, who will summon the rest of the clan. Over at the OSI, Oscar is showing Jaime a giant slideshow of the notorious Carstairs crime family:
Oscar tells Jaime that her mission is to drop in on the Carstairs family in their spooky home on Fear Island, convince them she's their long lost niece, and find an envelop subtly labelled "top secret". Inside the envelop is a formula for a high speed alloy that the OSI uses for its jet fighters...and somehow Cyrus Carstairs got his hands on it and was about to sell it to an unnamed foreign enemy for millions, but died before the transaction could be made. Oscar has since learned that someone else in the family has offered up the formula to the unnamed foreign enemy, and is hopeful that Cyrus's last will and testament might offer some useful intel. Jaime looks less than thrilled at having to navigate a spooky house to complete this fuckwitted sounding mission...then gets slightly wigged out when Oscar makes it a point to warn her about the ultra creepiness of Vincent Price. Jaime arrives on Fear Island by boat...and to pass herself off as the Carstairs's long-lost niece who dresses like a fortune teller even in her down time, she's decked herself out in colorful gypsy-wear, dangley jewelry around her neck, and a long kerchief thing hanging down one side of her head. The boat driver tells her he's too skeered to escort her to the house 'cause he doesn't want to run into "the creature", then jumps back into his boat and speeds back to the mainland. LOL. As a perplexed Jaime starts making her way through the jungle, she activates her bionic hearing in time to hear footsteps and a weird moaning noise. She shrieks when she catches a glimpse of a hairy faced man-beast [which must have brought back fond memories of Bigfoot], then admonishes it for purposely trying to scare her. When the man-beast doesn't retort, Jaime kicks into bionic gear and starts chasing after him...and he's all, "Ack!" and disappears into an underground hideout.
As Jaime ambles up the front walk to the house, someone standing on an upper balcony pushes a giant clay flower pot off of the railing and narrowly misses killing her. Jaime lets that brazen murder attempt sink in for a moment, then lets herself in through the front door while calling out, "Hello..?" When she hears a banging noise, she races upstairs and finds Vincent Price trying to sledge hammer his way into Cyrus's safe. He glares at her suspiciously and asks her who the hell she is, so she tells him she's his niece Tracy...and that she's plenty freaked out after encountering Bigfoot Lite in the jungle and then almost getting killed by a flower pot in front of the house. Vincent Price chuckles and chalks up the flower pot "mishap" to Cyrus's negligence in letting the house fall into disrepair. He gives her a scrutinizing once-over and says she looks completely different than he remembers, then tells her to not harbor too much hope that Cyrus left her anything in his will. He explains that his brother's dying words were: "I left it all to the smartest among you" and naturally assumes that that can only mean him. Claudette Carstairs, a stylish and attractive diva, arrives on the island with the family's lawyer, Andrew Warfield. She babbles incoherently about hoping she's the sole beneficiary of her dead brother's estate, then imperiously orders Warfield to bring along her mountain of luggage. Jaime radios Oscar (code name Snow White) and tells him that so far there's been one attempt on her life, but that it's not currently possible to flee 'cause the water surrounding Fear Island is filled with snakes and alligators. She tells him that Cyrus's will is locked inside his safe, and that she's going to sneak into his room and try to crack it open. Claudette and Warfield, meanwhile, nearly get killed by a different flower pot as they amble up the front walk. Aunt Tess, a stout woman with a British accent, is the last family member to arrive. She babbles at the disinterested boat driver about how she, and not her beautiful sister Claudette, is more deserving of inheriting the family fortune. Jaime spots Claudette skulking in the hallway...and once the coast is clear, she tiptoes into Cyrus's room, presses her bionic ear against the safe, and starts trying to crack it. Aunt Tess hears the mysterious man-beast in the jungle and reacts by pulling a pistol out of her purse and firing aimlessly in the direction of the moaning noises. LOL. The man-beast panics when the bullets start indiscriminately flying and runs off. Claudette catches Jaime with her ear against Cyrus's safe and demands to know what she's doing...but before Jaime can respond, Vincent Price enters the room and says, "She was just trying to cheat us" then chuckles and adds, "Just like we were." Aunt Tess bursts into the room brandishing her pistol and asks whassup, so Vincent Price reacquaints his sisters with their "long-lost niece". The three look her over, remark on the complete lack of family resemblance...but then concede that since she was just caught trying to scam them out of Cyrus's fortune, she's definitely cut from the same cloth as them. Jaime gives them a little head bow, then agrees to let Claudette usher her back to her room.
Jaime radios Oscar again and tells him she hasn't yet found the "top secret" envelop, but that she did manage to fool the Carstairs clan into believing she's really Tracy. She calls the family homicidal and isn't sure which one of them might have made the deal to sell the high speed alloy formula. Oscar tells her that since the formula hasn't yet been sold to the unnamed foreign enemy, he can only assume it's still hidden somewhere in the house. It remains unclear why Oscar can't just gather a bunch of OSI agents together and raid the place - like TV FBI agents are always doing. Jaime informs him that the official will reading is scheduled to take place in a few hours...and then the camera pans across the room, where the man-beast is spying on her from a large peephole cut into the wood paneling. When Jaime ends her call with Oscar and goes into the bathroom to change into a different gypsy outfit and headwrap, the man-beast sneaks in, rifles through Jaime's purse, and steals her little OSI radio. The will reading! Warfield reads aloud the safe's combination to Vincent, and he opens it and pulls out a package containing a VHS cassette. Apparently, Cyrus thought it'd be fun and extra dramatic to make a video recording of his last will and testament. The family gathers around the television to watch Cyrus posthumously give them instructions on a tedious fuuuuuucking scavenger hunt for his safety deposit box, which contains all of his valuable papers and stock certificates. Cyrus recites a series of nonsensical clues - shoes, ships, ceiling wax, cabbages, kings, pigs with wings - and everyone stares confusedly at each other as the hunt is declared on. Vincent Price grumbles about how childish this is, then slyly suggests that they wait until 6:00am to start the hunt. Everyone pretends to agree and retires to their rooms. As predicted, everyone sneaks out of their room to get a jump on the scavenger hunt. Jaime opens her window, bionically leaps to the ground, then re-enters the house through the front door and heads to the kitchen. I can only assume she figured that that route would be quicker than taking the stairs (??). Claudette is searching through a closet, but finds nothing...while Vincent Price is cutting open a mattress and smashing a television set in case Cyrus somehow hid the safety deposit box inside the picture tube. Warfield searches through a china cabinet, then wrestles with Aunt Tess over a little statue of a king...which they accidentally drop on the floor and watch as it smashes to pieces. Jaime is mystified when Warfield suddenly disappears...then narrowly avoids being abducted herself when the man-beast hears a banging noise. Jaime investigates the source of the noise and finds Claudette smashing a model ship while searching for clues. Claudette barks at Jaime to get out of the room...and minutes later, she too mysteriously disappears. Jaime runs into Tessio and tells him that a bunch of people have abruptly gone missing - but he seems creepily unconcerned and tells her that Vincent Price is ripping the attic apart in search of clues, then rambles on about something or other. (This is where I really started mentally checking out of the episode.) Aunt Tess appears, still clutching her gun, and accuses Jaime of doing something to Warfield and Claudette. She orders Jaime to turn around with her hands up...and while that's happening, the man-beast grabs Aunt Tess's gun and silently abducts her. Jaime turns around and looks freaked out by yet another disappearance...and as she flees upstairs, Vincent Price appears from out of nowhere and ominously declares, "You're next, my dear."
Jaime returns to her room to re-strategize...and while she's doing that, she happens to spot the man-beast peeping at her from behind the wall. Vincent Price enters her room at that moment, and Jaime points at the wall and tells him that she just saw someone staring at her from behind it. Vincent Price calls that ridiculous and suggests they join forces in the scavenger hunt. Jaime agrees, but says she has dibs on any envelop that's labeled "top secret". The two shake on it, then put their heads together as they decide on their next move. Vincent Price and Jaime stare at a painting of Cyrus playing chess, recap his cryptic clues, and through a genius collective analysis conclude that the safety deposit box must be buried in the old family burial crypt in the dungeon-like basement. The two rush downstairs...and after Jaime bionically digs it up, the man-beast - aka Tessio in a Halloween mask, LOL - bursts onto the scene. Vincent Price smugly tells Jaime that, unbeknownst to everyone, he and Tessio have been in cahoots this entire time so they could steal the family fortune for themselves, then orders her to hand over the safety deposit box. Tessio grabs the "top secret" envelop, says he knows that a valuable formula is inside, and needlessly informs Jaime that he made a deal with an unnamed foreign enemy to buy it for millions. In another twist, he double-crosses Vincent Price 'cause he's too greedy to share the spoils of this finders keepers type scavenger hunt, and leads Vincent Price and Jaime to a row of jail cells, where the abducted Carstairs family members are being held captive. He leads the two into a cell and chains the door shut. Tessio radios the unnamed foreign enemy and tells them he has the goods, but that he could use some help disposing of some pesky witnesses. The unnamed foreign enemy replies that they'd be more than happy to oblige. The Carstairs family members are grumbling from their cells and sniping among each other. Jaime pretends to study the rusty old chains holding their cell door together and tells Vincent Price that if they put a little muscle into it, they could probably break out. She grabs a hold of the chain, bionically breaks it, then kicks the door open. She and Vincent Price quickly sneak upstairs and find Tessio, who's sipping brandy and reveling in his new-found wealth. Vincent Price grabs his gun and points it at him, while Jaime snatches the "top secret" envelop and stuffs it behind her belt. A few seconds later, a water plane makes its landing on the island...and Jaime's all, "Oh no!" and warns Vincent Price that it's probably the unnamed foreign enemies/dangerous killers who have come for the formula. She suggests to Vincent Price that he pretend to be Tessio and fake his way through the deal making before luring them into the basement, then brings Tessio downstairs and locks him into a cell. After that, she releases the Carstairs from their cells and orders them to do exactly as she says. Vincent Price greets the unnamed foreign enemies - two sinister looking men with mustaches not in white suits - who inform him that the payment for the formula is currently in a Swiss bank account...and that once they receive it, they'll transfer the cash. Sounds pretty dubious, but OK. Vincent Price nods his approval and says he'll show them to where the pesky witnesses who need killing are being held, then ushers them into the dungeon basement. With the help of the other Carstairs family members, he lures the two men through a side tunnel, which Jaime seals shut after bionically blocking the entrance with a couple of heavy stone doors. The Carstairs look aghast at Jaime's superhuman strength, but there's no time - no time! - for anyone to fully unpack that oddity 'cause Jaime suddenly realizes that the "top secret" envelop she'd stuffed behind her belt is gone! She correctly suspects that the thief is Vincent Price, and deduces that while she wasn't looking, he sneaked upstairs and made a run for it. She races up the stairs then jogs in bionic slo-mo - dun dun dun dun - through the jungle. Vincent Price makes it to the dock and jumps into the boat...and when he can't get the motor to work, he starts frantically rowing. Jaime arrives just in time to grab the rope and violently pull the boat back to shore. Vincent Price meekly says he knows that his attempted escape with the government formula looks incriminating, then sheepishly hands over the "top secret" envelop. Jaime decompresses from the boneheaded mission by dining in an outdoor restaurant with Oscar. She expresses relief that the crazy Carstairs family is finally in jail...and Oscar's like, "Uh, about that..." and tells her that since none of the Carstairs would agree to testify against each other, he had to let them all go. Aside from the fact that Jaime herself witnessed Vincent Price stealing an OSI formula and could testify to that in court, what the hell kind of fucked up justice system is Oscar working under? Jaime's all, "Wha-a-a?" and then spots the Carstairs sitting at a nearby table. The waiter comes over and says that the Carstairs have requested permission to join them, and Jaime's like, "Hell no!" - but the clan refuses to take hell no for an answer and they all get up from their table and start heading over. Jaime stares in horror at Oscar, whose face is scrunched in a combination of faux bewilderment and amusement. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
2 Comments
Steve
10/1/2019 04:46:39 pm
So, it was probably actually a U-matic video cassette. VHS didn't come to the US until 1977. Do I win today's prize for pedantics?
Isabel K. French
10/1/2019 05:07:50 pm
Indeed! Prize is in the mail. 😂 Leave a Reply. |
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