Recap: Bobby is doing laps in the Southfork pool when Pam comes over to say good morning and explain that she left their bed in the wee hours of the morning 'cause she felt the need to canoodle with Baby John Ross in the nursery. Bobby's like, "I know" and snidely points out that the tot has a mother and a baby nurse, then gets miffed about her unexplained reversal on wanting them to have a baby of their own. Before she can reply with another non-answer, Jock and Miss Ellie emerge from the house to have breakfast on the patio. Pam wanders over and spacily says hi to her in-laws before going inside to get dressed for work.

As Pam drives through the Southfork gates to exit the property, we see that Valene is parked on the side of the road, monitoring the Ewings' comings and goings. When she spots Lucy exiting the gates in her fancy convertible, she puts her car into gear and trails behind her.

Pam calls Dr. Hollister to see if he can squeeze her in for a physical...and, as luck would have it, he happens to have an opening that morning.

Bobby grumbles to Miss Ellie about marrying into the shitty Barnes family and how confusing Pam's behavior has been lately. He asks his mother how in blazes she's managed to stay married to her gruff misogynist of a husband for so many years, and Miss Ellie smiles her idiotic serene smile and says that, like most Ewing men, Jock can be a major pill to live with, so she picks her battles carefully. Bobby suddenly looks sheepish at the realization that he too can be a difficult Ewing man and has probably been unfair to Pam about the whole baby matter...and Miss Ellie urges him to apologize before things start spiraling out of control. Bobby shoots her an affectionate smile and says the only two people in the family he ever felt comfortable talking to was her and Gary...as in Gary, the estranged brother who JR has been allowed to bully, alienate, and be forced to give up custody of his only child.

Lucy arrives at the university campus...and Val parks behind her, climbs out of her car, and cries, "Luuuuucy!" When Lucy turns around, Val smiles brightly and says, "Hello baby!" Lucy glares back at her and snidely asks her how much bribe money she took from JR during her previous Dallas appearance, then storms off in her much-too-high wedge sandals.

Dr. Hollister tells Pam she has no symptoms of neurofibromatosis, and that even if she does start to develop some, at her age it's unlikely to be fatal. She asks, "What if I have children?" and he tells her that since she carries a strain of an inherited genetic disease, there's no guarantee that her babies won't die in infancy...but also no guarantee that they won't. He's really not the cheery, optimistic sort, this doctor.  

Jock and JR are in a meeting with Alan Beam and Ewing Oil's original white man lawyer, Harv Smithfield. Jock rails about how the OLM keeps interfering in the approval process for Ewing Oil's prospective drill sites, and a weary looking Harv tells him they can't do much to stop Cliff Barnes 'cause the courts all agree he's not overstepping his OLM boundaries. Alan reminds everyone that Cliff ran for public office before taking a job at the OLM, but Jock says he doesn't find this talk helpful 'cause he's pretty sure it's common knowledge that no one in Texas would ever vote for a dickwad like Cliff.

When Lucy returns to her car, Val approaches her with her sad face on. She denies taking any of JR's bribe money, but Lucy just shrugs and says it really doesn't matter, considering she's been abandoned at Southfork since babyhood. Val says she figured it wouldn't be so bad for her to continue to live there 'cause she was raised there, but Lucy tells her she's never felt truly loved by the Ewings, and therefore doesn't feel as though she belongs anywhere. Val moves in for a hug, but Lucy slaps her away and tells her to get lost.

Sue Ellen looms over Baby John Ross as he yowls in his crib. When the baby nurse ambles over and asks Sue Ellen if she'd like to change his diaper, she haughtily snaps, "That's what I'm paying you for."

Val calls Bobby at Ewing Oil to inform him that she's skulked into Dallas on the down-low and could use his help on something Lucy-related. She gives him a time/place and he promises to meet up with her tomorrow. 

When Pam returns home, Miss Ellie tells her she got a message from a Mr. Hollister. Pam rushes upstairs to return the doctor's call, and is stunned when he tells her that her blood tests revealed that she's pregnant.

That evening, Bobby tells Pam that Val's in town and invites her to come along with him to their secret meeting, but Pam declines and says she'll be tied up all day. He apologizes for being a rude turd to her earlier and says he'll do his best to refrain from pressuring her about having a baby. Pam scrunches her face mournfully and says she'd love nothing more than for the two of them to produce another Ewing spawn...and when she doesn't elaborate further, Bobby says that whatever she's not telling him is all going to come out in the end anyway, and she retorts by squeaking, "I know." 

JR chides Sue Ellen for continuing to lounge around in a bathrobe and do fuck all, and she snaps back that she doesn't give a damn what he thinks of her laziness. He asks her why she continues to live at Southfork and stay married to him if she's so miserable, and she cackles evilly and says she gets enormous delight out of his uncertainty about Baby John Ross's paternity, especially when unwitting family members remark on how much the baby resembles his father. JR retorts by slamming his glass of booze in front of her and urges her to feel free to start drinking again, 'cause he found her to be far less bitchy whenever she was stumbling around the house, blitzed out of her mind. Could someone please tell these two to get divorced immediately??

Over at Ewing Oil, Alan Beam tells JR that, according to OLM bylaws, the head of the agency must resign his position once he officially embarks on a campaign to run for public office. JR looks intrigued by this angle and orders Alan to scout around for some fake political donors who can get the ball rolling. Alan warns him about the possibility of Cliff getting elected, but JR says that once Cliff has resigned from the OLM, he'll ensure that the campaign donations suddenly dry up. As he chuckles devilishly, Alan winces and remarks, "I'd sure hate to be on your bad side" and JR's like, "Damn straight" and warns him to never forget what a vengeful assbag he can be to his perceived enemies. 
​
Dr. Hollister confirms to Pam that, yep, she is indeed pregnant...but that he still has no way of knowing if her baby can survive whatever strain of neurofibromatosis he/she will be born with. Pam says she's so distressed about the strong possibility of her baby dying in infancy and would prefer to not burden Bobby with this kind of pain and uncertainty, so Dr. Hollister urges her to find someone (other than him) she can bellyache and moan about this to.

Pam meets up with Cliff downtown and tells him she's pregnant, and he's like,"OMG!" and advises her to tell Bobby about her dilemma. She says she can't possibly share this news with Bobby, 'cause then the cat will be out of the bag about Baby John Ross possibly having a genetic disease that could kill him at any moment...even though it's probably something JR and Sue Ellen have every right to be informed about, asap. 

Bobby meets up with Val in a public place, and she tells him she saw Lucy earlier, but that the spiteful little troll made it clear she doesn't want anything to do with her. She adds that she's also been in touch with Gary, who put a temporary halt to his boozing and has gotten himself a job somewhere on the west coast. She thinks there's a strong possibility that she and Gary could hook up again and would like to share this good news with Lucy - but Bobby advises against getting Lucy's hopes up...'cause, considering the rollercoaster nature of hers/Gary's shitty relationship, it's more than likely they'll break up again. Val says she doesn't want to do anything to hurt Lucy, but would really like it if they could at least be friends. Bobby promises to help with that effort and agrees to meet her at her motel...and she asks him to keep all this on the down-low 'cause she'd rather that JR didn't get wind of her superfluous guest appearance on Dallas. 

Bobby drives Val over to the university's practice field, where Lucy is rehearsing a cheerleading routine with her teammates. Bobby wanders over and tells Lucy that Val is in his car and would love to chat with her, but Lucy makes a meh face and says she's not interested. The camera then pans up to the spectators in the bleachers, and we see that JR dropped by to observe Lucy's cheerleading practice - 'cause, yeah, that really seems in character for him - and is staring over at Val and Bobby through a pair of binoculars.

Pam joins Miss Ellie in the sitting room for a brief heart-to-heart. She asks the old gal what she thinks her life would have been like if she'd never had children, and Miss Ellie says it certainly would have been different, though not worse, to live without "the byproducts of our love for each other". She says that she and Jock loved each other, regardless of the existence of their children [or his gruffly misogynist disposition], and would have had a great childless life together. Pam says she's not so sure she could say that same about her and Bobby, then says she knows how important children are to him and has grave doubts that a childless marriage could survive.  

Jock gruffly tells JR he doesn't like the idea of Cliff Barnes getting elected to Congress and would prefer to tackle the issue by sending Bobby to Austin so he can "help maneuver things", whatever the hell that means. Bobby says he's not thrilled about the idea, but will do it...though not tomorrow 'cause he'll be too busy bridging the divide between Lucy and Val.

Bobby implores Lucy to meet with Val and hear her out...and after a tiny bit of hemming and hawing, she agrees to go with him to Val's motel.

Val is all, "Ack!" when JR shows up at her motel and says as soon as he found out she was in town, he sent a team of his flunkies to check out every cheap motel in Dallas to find out where she was staying. He accuses her and his drunk of a brother of wanting a piece of the Ewing pie, and orders her to leave town by nightfall - but Val gets all in his face and refuses, threatens to call the police, and insists on staying in Dallas so she can make amends with her daughter. As she wails, "'Cause I have nuthin' to lose!", Bobby and Lucy suddenly appear in the doorway of her room - and Lucy shoots JR the stink-eye, then gushes at her mom for finally having the stones to stand up to the ogre. As Bobby forcibly steers a red-faced JR out of the motel room, Val admits to Lucy that despite abandoning her at Southfork her entire life, she's always loved her and would like it if they could be on speaking terms again. Lucy agrees, coos, "I love you, Mama", and the two hug.

Recap: JR and Sue Ellen are at the Dallas airport to pick up Mama Shepard and Kristin, who's now being played by the sultry Mary Crosby and her freakish Joker lips. By scripted coincidence, Cliff is also at the airport to pick up Digger, who too has been recast and is now played by a less boozy looking actor who sports a fuzzy white beard. Mama Shepard greets JR warmly, wanks him about being so awesome and rich, then says she can only hope that Kristin will do half as well in the husband department.

Pam is in the grisly looking nursery cooing at Baby John Ross when Bobby enters the room to kiss her good morning. Pam assures him that she'd be just as besotted with the tot if she didn't assume he was Cliff's spawn, then tells him how dismayed she is by the low level of interest Sue Ellen seems to have in her newborn. Bobby breezily says she'll come around eventually and reminds Pam that the child isn't her responsibility - just as Miss Ellie enters the room and says how super it would be for the Ewing family if they too produced a baby.
​
Lucy is hanging at the stables with Ray, grumbling that Kristin Shepard is nothing but trouble. Ray just shrugs and says he thinks she's pretty harmless, and Lucy rolls her eyes and says it's sad that men can't seem to see her for the opportunistic tart she is. A few seconds later, JR and Sue Ellen arrive at Southfork with Mama Shepard and Kristin, and they're greeted by Jock and Miss Ellie. Mama Shepard peeks into Baby John Ross's baby carriage, gushes over his cuteness, and picks him up for a grandmotherly cuddle. She asks Sue Ellen if she'd like to hold her son, but Sue Ellen just makes an ew face and says she's going inside to lay down. Mama Shepard remarks on the strong resemblance that Baby John Ross bears to his father, and JR grins back at her with a weirdly delighted expression on his face. 

Cliff brags to Digger about how much power he has in his Office of Land Management (OLM) job, then hands him a royalty check, courtesy of the oil profits from when he invested in Wally Kessel's oil rich property that he eventually leased to Ewing Oil. Cliff cackles about how he's squeezing Ewing Oil by having a say in where they're allowed to drill for oil and says his mission in life is to bankrupt the company. Digger tut tuts him for being so vengeful and says he simply wants Jock to get a modest comeuppance for swindling him and stealing his girl more than forty years ago, which...get over it, dude, it happened over forty years ago.   

JR complains to Jock and Bobby that Cliff and his OLM flunkies have enlisted a team of experts to poke around the Ewing oil wells in an effort to shut them down. JR says they need to figure out what Cliff's weakness is so that they can put a stop to his anti-Ewing plotting, then says he recently heard some gossip that might be helpful in that capacity: Cliff has been secretly on the take from special interest groups. Egads! 

Cliff brings Digger to his apartment, and Digger suddenly gets faint and nearly collapses. Cliff rushes over and helps him into his bedroom so he can lay down and recombobulate himself.

Pam meets up with Bobby downtown and tells him that ever since Sue Ellen gave birth, she's been consumed with thoughts of babymaking...and thinks she'd be fine giving up her department store career to become an unemployed lady of leisure - I mean a full time Southfork wife and mother. 

​Cliff tells Digger he's going to arrange for him to see a doctor...and when Pam arrives at Cliff's apartment, she feels Digger's forehead and says he has a fever. Cliff pulls Pam aside and tells her he's dying to tell Digger that he may have a grandson, and isn't sure how much longer he's going to be able to keep his mouth shut about that scandalous secret. 
​
Sue Ellen tells Kristin that her stay in the clinic-mansion in Season 2 was wonderful 'cause of all the great medical care and tasty food she was served. When Kristin starts bellyaching about how hard it is to find a rich, marriageable man, Sue Ellen advises her to stop "being on the prowl" and passively wait around until the right man finds her. With that said, she urges Kristin to enjoy her singlehood as much as possible - but Kristin says she'd much prefer the perks of having a wealthy, powerful husband. She then cautions Sue Ellen about her post-partum moodiness, and warns that if she continues to miss those wretched looking Ewing family dinners, someone else will be more than happy to occupy her chair...and by someone else, she means herself.

After examining Digger, Dr. Hollister urges him to drink a bit less 'cause his liver is mildly pooched, then breaks the news to the entire Barnes clan that Digger is afflicted with neurofibromatosis. He explains to Pam and Cliff that it's a genetic disorder that a parent unwittingly passes along to their children - meaning that the two of them are both carriers of the disease - and that it can be life threatening for an infant. Cliff's like, "Ack!" and looks alarmed that the genetic disorder might have a deadly effect on his and Sue Ellen's love spawn. 

Miss Ellie and Mama Shepard are gushing over Baby John Ross, relieved about how healthy he seems after his harrowing fetal alcohol syndrome start in life. Mama Shepard wanks Miss Ellie about how delighted she is that the tot will get to grow up on the Ewing's luxurious ranch, then get rich working alongside his father at the family's oil company.

​Cliff tells Pam he wants to warn Sue Ellen about their love spawn being diseased with neurofibromatosis, but Pam says that given how fragile she is, the shocking news could send her into an alcohol-fueled tailspin. She offers to take Baby John Ross to the pediatrician herself and then will find a way to secretly get him tested for the disease. 

Later, Pam is in the nursery staring worriedly at Baby John Ross...and when Bobby enters the room, he assumes that all of her worried staring is due to Digger's health issues.

The next morning, JR openly ogles Pam as she lounges by the pool in her swimsuit...and when Bobby sneaks up behind him and is all WTF?, he tells his brother he was just thinking how lovely Sue Ellen would look in a similar suit. Gross, JR.

JR goes upstairs to admonish Sue Ellen for not showing even the tiniest interest in their baby, then comes right out and asks her if she cares about him at all. Sue Ellen says she considers the baby her punishment [for binge-drinking and extramaritally doinking Cliff], and that he's a constant reminder that she was used by two cruel men. JR reminds her that, despite his cuckolding at the hands of Cliff Barnes, he's accepted the baby as his own - but Sue Ellen just mocks him for being too generous with his affections, then says she's off to meet up with her mom and sister for lunch at a swanky downtown restaurant.

Pam calls Cliff to tell him that the doctor assured her that the baby is fine...but to be extra sure, she's going to take him to Forth Worth to get him tested for neurofibromatosis. She sourly adds that Sue Ellen is abandoning her son to go lunch with her mom and sister at a swanky downtown restaurant...and after the call, Cliff orders his secretary to make a lunch reservation at the swanky downtown restaurant so that he can pretend to accidentally bump into her.

Pam arrives at the doctor's office in Forth Worth, passes off Baby John Ross as her child, and tells the doctor that she's a carrier of neurofibromatosis and wants some testing done to see if he has any symptoms of the disease. 

At the swanky downtown restaurant, Cliff "bumps into" Sue Ellen and is introduced to her mom and sister. He invites them to join him at his table, but Sue Ellen coldly declines and says she wants to catch up with her family in private.  

JR meets up with Alan Beam at an out-of-the-way burger joint to tell him he wants him to go undercover and discreetly poke around Cliff's personal bidness. Alan says he's done some preliminary research and is pretty sure that Cliff's motivation to torment the Ewings is out of a need for power...as well as the writers' insistence on keeping the tedious Barnes-Ewing feud alive indefinitely. JR hands him some cash and says he'd like to introduce him to his daddy.

Doctor #2 tells Pam that Baby John Ross shows no symptoms of neurofibromatosis, then suggests that Pam undergo a complete physical to see what effects the disease is currently having on her body. She says that while adults rarely suffer fatal effects from neurofibromatosis, babies often develop cancerous tumors and don't survive...then advises a freaked out looking Pam to bring the baby in for frequent checkups. 

Pam meets up with Cliff and tells him she has no idea how she's going to break the news to Bobby about her inability to have a child without passing her diseased genes onto the tot. 

Digger apologizes to Cliff for unwittingly giving him his disease, then says it's a damn good thing he never had any kids prior to learning he was a carrier. Oops.

Over drinks at Southfork, Miss Ellie tells Sue Ellen that Pam took the baby to the pediatrician and got a clean bill of health, and Sue Ellen's like, "Whatever, I really don't give a shit." Kristin tells everyone they ran into Cliff Barnes at lunchtime...and JR looks irked and asks her if they lunched with them, and she confusedly retorts, "Why would we do that?", then stares into space with her face scrunched all intrigued-like. Miss Ellie interrupts the conversation to announce that they're going to have to hustle if they want to make it to the theater on time.

JR and Sue Ellen return home early from the theater after Sue Ellen pleads one of her dizzy spells...and JR accuses her of once again faking illness. As Kristin eavesdrops, JR rails about Cliff...and Sue Ellen chuckles at his jealous tone, denies that she's carrying a torch for Cliff, and snaps at him to stop pretending in front of her family that he's a model husband.  

After Sue Ellen storms upstairs, Kristin slinks over to JR and asks him if everything is OK...and he assures her that everything's fine and that he's going out for a drive. Kristin purrs about how nice it would be to go along with him, and the two stare hungrily at each other. 

Recap: The Dallas police are questioning the hospital staff about the missing Ewing baby...and they're also asking Sue Ellen about anything she might know about that could help them piece together what might have happened to the premature tot. Sue Ellen stares mournfully into space and murmurs, "It's all my fault...I've done terrible things..." and the cop kind of perks up at the quasi-confession and asks her to please elaborate. JR appears in the doorway and cuts the interrogation short, then barks at the cop for going down "the wrong path" with his spacey wife. He explains that she [rightly] blames herself for boozing it up throughout her pregnancy, which led to the alcohol-fueled car accident, which then caused the fetal alcohol syndrome baby to be born prematurely. JR insists that neither he nor his wife knows anything about the abduction and should be allowed to go home, and the cop mulls that over and agrees to release them from questioning. He tells JR he'll probably get a ransom call soon, then says he'll arrange for the Southfork phone to be tapped. He sternly warns JR to follow the proper procedures and not try resolving the matter by going around law enforcement...the way he did when Bobby was kidnapped by those weird yokels last season. 

Jock is in a remote area of Southfork treating sick cows when a rancher drives over in a pickup truck and tells him that Miss Ellie needs him at the house asap. 

Miss Ellie is weeping in the fugly nursery when Jock enters the room and asks whassup. She wails, "It's the baby! He's been kidnapped!" and Jock scrunches his grizzled face confusedly and is all, "Wha-a-a?"

Lucy and Bobby arrive at Southfork after being summoned by Miss Ellie and race into the house to see what's going on. When Miss Ellie tells them about the baby's kidnapping, Bobby looks alarmed and says he's going to head back into town to fetch Pam and bring her to the safety of the Southfork ranch. JR, meanwhile, returns with a dazed looking Sue Ellen and explains to everyone that the doctor gave her a sedative so she can wander around the house in an even more zombie-like state than she was doing in Part 1. He also introduces Detective Rollins, who's been assigned to put a tap on the phone in case the kidnapper calls with a ransom demand.

Pam is ambling downtown when she passes a street vendor who happens to have his radio tuned to a local news station, which just happens to be reporting on the missing Ewing baby, John Ross III. She gasps in horror, then runs into Bobby in front of the department store where she works. He asks her if she's seen Cliff today, and she tells him she hasn't, nor has his secretary. From that Bobby deduces that Cliff must be the kidnapper, then starts railing about how much the man hates the Ewings. Pam argues that her brother would never do a horrible thing like kidnap a baby, and Bobby's like, "Would, did" and storms off...forgetting that his sole reason for coming into the city was to ferry Pam back to Southfork for safekeeping. Pam heads over to the nearest pay phone and leaves a message for Cliff to call her asap.

The Ewings are camped out in the living room, snacking on delicious sandwiches and waiting for a ransom call. A grey haired woman named Mrs. Reeves arrives at Southfork and says she's the baby nurse...and Miss Ellie's like, "Shit! I totally forgot I hired her!" She explains to Mrs. Reeves that the baby she was supposed to be caring for just got kidnapped, but figures 'ah what the hell, the kid'll turn up eventually' and shows the nurse to her new live-in digs. LOL.

Pam convinces Cliff's landlord to let her into his apartment so she can wait for him and/or search for any clues as to where he might have gone.

JR decides he can't sit around Southfork any longer, waiting for a ransom call, and announces that he's heading back to the office. He goes upstairs to fetch his handgun, and gently coos at Sue Ellen to continue laying uselessly in bed while the rest of the family sorts out The Missing Baby Situation.

When the phone rings, Jock answers, scrunches his grizzled face confusedly, and barks, "Now wait a minute! Hello? Hello?" He then explains to Detective Rollins that the woman on the other end claimed she stole the baby, is sorry, and will deliver him near the flagpole at City Hall. Detective Rollins' is like, "We're on it!" and rushes out of the house with Jock...and also Ray, who doesn't look as though he's been given anything better to do this episode.   

Jeb Ames calls JR and tells him he requires a favor in exchange for the safe return of his son...and by favor, he means a briefcase filled with a million dollars cash.

Jock arrives at City Hall and walks over to the flagpole to wait for the baby delivery.

Sue Ellen wakes up, stumbles over to the nursery, and natters about how neither Cliff nor JR is ever going to hurt her again. She declares, "No one will hurt me anymore", then stares down at the empty crib and snidely adds, "Not even you" and stumbles out of the room.

Miss Ellie phones JR and tells him about the fool's errand Jock went on at City Hall, and JR sourly declares it a hoax. Sue Ellen, meanwhile, stumbles into the living room and sinks herself into the nearest sofa chair. A few seconds later, Mrs. Reeves bounds in, a little too cheerily considering the circumstances she's suddenly found herself in, and pours fresh coffee for everyone. 

JR calls his money man, Vaughn Leland, and says he needs a million dollars cash neatly stacked into a briefcase, and asks him to please keep quiet about it. 

Bobby storms off half-cocked to Cliff's workplace and barges into his office. Cliff's secretary yells at him to get the hell out as he rummages through the papers on Cliff's desk and checks the appointment calendar. He screeches, "He has no appointments today!" then storms out of the building and squeals off in his car. What an addled fucktard he is this episode.

Cliff arrives in his apartment and is pleasantly surprised to see Pam waiting for him. He says he heard the news about the Ewing baby kidnapping on his way home from Austin...and when Pam asks him if he had anything to do with it, he looks miffed that she'd even ask him such a thing. She warns him that Bobby assumes he's the culprit and is storming around Dallas like a mental patient off his meds, and Cliff rolls his eyes and says he's really not scared of her stupid nitwit of a husband.

Jock is still standing next to the flagpole at City Hall and is staring to look peeved.​

Bobby storms over to Cliff's apartment, snaps, "You've gone too far!", then berates Pam for always defending her brother. Cliff calmly tells him he had nothing to do with the kidnapping, has a rock solid alibi 'cause he was in Austin all day, and urges Bobby to chill the fuck out so the three of them can put their heads together and figure out who the actual kidnapper is. 

Detective Rollins declares Mission Flagpole a hoax, and suggests to Jock and Ray that they return to Southfork and haplessly sit by the phone some more.

JR collects a briefcase containing one million dollars from Vaughn Leland and thanks him for helping him save his son's life. Vaughn tut tuts him for not involving the FBI in the ransom demand, but JR's like, "Meh" and promises to pay him the money back asap. 

Bobby, Pam, and Cliff arrive at Denver Memorial Hospital and demand access to patients' records, as well as the hospital staff so they too can be questioned. Dr. Freilich points out that the police already did all this - but Bobby gets all in his face and says it's the least he could do for allowing someone to just walk out of the hospital with a high value Ewing baby. Dr. Freilich immediately caves and grants them access to anything they want, no doubt violating whatever kind of privacy policy the hospital must have in place. 

JR returns to his office with the cash filled briefcase - just as Jeb Ames calls to inform him that he'll be dropping by soon. He warns JR not to try anything - 'cause while they're meeting, Willie Joe will be with the baby, looming over him with a tiny hangman's noose. When he hangs up, Jeb cackles and tells Willie Joe that JR fell for it, then adds, "It's a stroke of luck that someone snatched that kid" and laugh about how they're about to get a lot of money without even having to commit a crime. Except extortion, which in this case is a first degree felony. 

Pam suddenly remembers a dark haired woman she saw staring into the NICU window during the previous episode and wonders if maybe she saw something that could help them find the kidnapper. She rushes over to the nurse to get her to help explore that theory further.

Back at the ranch, a strangely perky Mrs. Reeves tries to buoy Sue Ellen's dazed spirits by telling her not to give up hope about her missing spawn, and that she should believe everything's going to be A-OK by the time this two-parter concludes. 

Pam arrives at the home of Priscilla Duncan, while Bobby and Cliff hang back on the sidewalk. Priscilla invites her in and tells Pam she heard all about the kidnapping on the news, then doubts that she can be of any real help. Pam fishes a business card out of her purse and asks her to call her if she remembers anything...but just as she's about to exit the house, she hears the sound of a baby crying. Priscilla perks up and says, "That's my baby!" and goes into the next room to retrieve him, and Pam sticks her head out the door and summons Bobby and Cliff over and reminds them that the nurse had told them that Priscilla Duncan's premature baby had died in the hospital. Priscilla, meanwhile, emerges from the other room with the baby in her arms, and Bobby and Cliff notice that he's still wearing the hospital bracelet with the name Ewing. Bobby gently tells Priscilla that they saw her hospital records and therefore know for a fact that this child this couldn't possibly be her baby - but she insists he is, backs away, and wails, "Pleeeeease don't take him away!" Pam promises they won't, and will wait patiently until she's ready to hand him over. OMFG, just call 911, Pam.

Jeb Ames arrives at JR's office to collect his ransom money. JR snaps, "Where's my boy?" and Jeb says that once he leaves the building with the cash, Willie Joe will call him and let him know how to find his baby...'cause, yep, that sounds totally trustworthy, LOL. When the phone happens to ring at that moment, Jeb tells JR he'll let him mull over the ridiculous terms of the money-baby exchange while he fixes himself a drink. The phone call is from Bobby, informing JR that, long story short, they found his baby at some deranged woman's house and are bringing him to the ranch now. JR hangs up the phone, smashes the glass out of Jeb's hand, and pulls out his gun and snarks, "Are you trying to make a fool of me?" Well, d'yuh. He orders him to get the hell out of his office - and Jeb agrees to leave, but warns that he and Willie Joe aren't done harassing him for all the fallout from the Tina Louise killing.

Cliff, Bobby, and Pam stand around Priscilla's apartment and quietly dish about how messed up Priscilla is after being dumped by her husband, then suffering the loss of her baby. Cliff remarks that she should probably look into getting herself some psychiatric care now that she's committed a serious crime that should probably have involved police intervention by now. Priscilla enters the room, still holding the baby, and announces that she's finally ready to hand him over to his bio mom...and everyone's like, "Fantastic!" as they exit the apartment together.

Pam and Bobby drive Priscilla to Southfork (!), usher her into the house - past Detective Rollins no less, LOL - and position her in front of where Sue Ellen is sitting so she can apologize for "the terrible thing" she did after her baby died. She says she didn't want to believe her preemie was gone, and somehow convinced herself that John Ross III was her baby. Sue Ellen just stares back at her with glazed over eyes.

With the eyes of the entire Ewing family upon her, Sue Ellen takes the baby from Priscilla, then looks visibly irked when JR puts his arm around her and smiles as if there's nothing at all weird about his wife's lackluster response to a kidnapper being escorted into his home to return their newborn son without any police-related repercussions that we are made aware of. 

Crawl away, John Ross III! Crawl fast and far. 

Recap: Sue Ellen is in the maternity ward of Dallas Memorial Hospital, staring spacily at her baby through the NICU window while, down the hall, the doctor is assuring JR that somehow his fetal alcohol syndrome baby is doing so well that he'll be ready to go home in a couple of days. As JR ambles toward the NICU window, he notices someone reading a newspaper featuring a story on how Jeb Ames and Willie Joe Garr were somehow granted early parole for the murder of Tina Louise in Season 2. JR chews on that disturbing nugget for a few seconds, then goes over to where Sue Ellen is standing and tells her not to worry 'cause the baby is healthy enough to be released in a couple of days. Sue Ellen shoots him the stink eye, says, "I'm not worried about anything", then stares vacantly into space as she sashays down the hall toward her room. The two pass Cliff, who's hiding in a nearby corridor...and when the coast is clear, he sneaks over to the NICU window to get a glimpse of the baby he's convinced himself is his and Sue Ellen's love spawn.

Jock, Bobby, Ray, and a small team of ranchers are herding cattle somewhere on the Southfork ranch and expressing concern about several of the cows having screwworm. Jock growls that they'll have to deal with it quick or they'll have an epidemic on their hands...and he and Bobby agree that in the next day or so they're going to have to check every cow to assess how much of the herd is diseased. A few seconds later, JR and Sue Ellen drive over on the nearby gravel road...and the menfolk wave hello while Bobby bellows, "Hellooooo Sue Ellen! Welcome home!" LOL. When she responds by sitting stonily silent in the passenger seat, JR urges her to smile, wave, or do something to acknowledge the greeting. She spacily holds up her hand, palm faced outward, and decides that that qualifies as a return hello...and Bobby is aghast at how miserable and zombie-like Sue Ellen looks. 

Pam is out for a drink with Cliff, imploring him to keep his distance from Sue Ellen 'cause she's an emotional tinderbox who's likely to self-destruct at even the slightest provocation. Cliff insists he looooves both her and the baby and wants them to become a family of three - but Pam argues that, even considering her loveless marriage to JR, Sue Ellen is better off living a life of pampered luxury at Southfork with an army of servants to help raise her child. Cliff's like, "Noooooo!" and says his mind is made up about the contrived re-stirring up of his feelings for Sue Ellen. 

Lucy and two of her girlfriends are lounging by the pool at Southfork, cackling about cute college boys. Lucy sees JR and Sue Ellen pull up into the driveway and bounds over to say hey and ask how the baby's doing. She tries to give Sue Ellen a welcome back hug, but Sue Ellen fends off any kind of affection by standing frozen still and shooting her a stony glare. Yeesh.

Sue Ellen and JR retreat to their bedroom, and JR gives her a quick shoulder rub from behind and says he's glad she's home. He promises to somehow make up for his shitty track record as a philandering douchebag husband - but she's just like, "Whatever" and says she's going to take a nap before dinner.

Jeb Ames and Willie Joe Garr show up at Ewing Oil to snidely congratulate JR on the birth of his baby, and the two secretaries are all, "Ew" and inform them that neither JR nor Bobby is in the office today. The yokels ask the secretaries to pass along their good wishes...and as soon as they leave and are out of earshot, the secretaries agree that the two men give them the creeps [especially the one with the ugly dark toupee, I'm assuming] and can't figure how in blazes they got released on parole.

Miss Ellie tells JR she thinks that Sue Ellen is looking pale, but JR assures her that his wife is in perfect health and that she just needs to rest.

Jock and Bobby return from cattle herding and inform JR about the screwworm dilemma, but add that they plan to inspect the entire herd and get the disease under control. Fantastic.

Pam runs into Sue Ellen near the main staircase and gushes about how happy she is that she's home...and Sue Ellen gives her a side-wise glare, coldly says, "Thank you", and stalks off. A bewildered Pam goes upstairs to dish to Bobby about Sue Ellen's moodiness and how impossible she is to talk to - but Bobby just shrugs and says she'll come around eventually.

Sue Ellen stumbles into the nursery, which Miss Ellie was somehow given the green light to decorate with fugly loud wallpaper, scary looking stuffed rabbits, and a music box that emits creepy sounding tinkly noises. Bobby pokes his head into the room and asks Sue Ellen how she's feeling, and she says she's fine and remarks on how Miss Ellie really outdid herself in making the nursery look more hideous than any nursery in the history of TV show nurseries, OMFG. Bobby assures her that the family cares about her and not just the baby, and gently chides her for pushing people away. He then promises not to blab what she told him in the Season 2 finale about Cliff being her baby daddy, and she shoots him one of her stony glares and says, "I don't know what you're talking about", deliberately drops the music box and watches it smash to pieces on the floor, then stalks out. Yeesh.

Bobby and Ray come upon a sick cow somewhere on the ranch, and Bobby contorts his default bland expression into an expression of sadness as he aims his rifle and puts the poor animal out of its misery. 

JR suggests to Sue Ellen that they have lunch in their favorite Greek restaurant after visiting the baby, but Sue Ellen snarks that she has no desire to visit the baby...and that she's going to invoke her doctor's casual recommendation that she get enough rest in as much of the episode as possible. JR scrunches his face in frustration and heads off to work.

Downstairs at the breakfast table, Pam, Lucy, and Miss Ellie are chatting about the screwwormed cattle and how hopeful they are that the menfolk will be able to nip the problem in the bud. When JR comes downstairs to grab a quick bite, Miss Ellie offers to treat him and Sue Ellen to lunch when they go into town to visit the baby - but JR tells her that Sue Ellen won't be going into Dallas today 'cause of all the resting she's telling everyone she needs. The women exchange knowing glances...and once JR's out of earshot, Pam points out that new mothers really do need rest. Though probably not 24/7 ... in a house where it looks as though the Hispanic maidservant does the lion's share of the cooking and cleaning.

Cliff is at the Office of Land Management, studying a map of Texas and barking at one of his flunkies about how badly he wants to mess with Ewing Oil's ability to drill on their leased sites. The flunky warns him to back off and not get into an "abuse of power" situation with such a powerful family, and Cliff pretends to look contrite and be in full agreement. When the flunky leaves, Cliff calls the hospital to get an update on his alleged spawn.

The Ewing Oil secretaries inform JR that Jeb Ames and Willie Joe Garr dropped by and weirded them out with their general scariness, and JR does not look thrilled at the thought of associating with those weird yokels ever again. He heads into his office, where the company lawyer is eager to introduce him to Alan Beam, a young hotshot and expert in environmental law. Alan hands JR a thick folder and proudly calls it a "game plan" to combat everything that Cliff could possibly to do mess with Ewing Oil's lease sites...and JR glances through it and says he's very impressed.

Over at the hospital, Pam asks the nurse if she can give Baby Ewing his bottle, then explains that his mother is an unstable train wreck who can't be bothered to get herself chauffeured into Dallas to visit her newborn son. 

Back at the ranch, JR tells Jock and Bobby what a bright guy Alan Beam is, and that he might be very helpful in putting a stop to Cliff Barnes's harassment as the Office of Land Management overlord...and Bobby pretends it's not awkward that the writers are determined to keep perpetuating the tedious Barnes-Ewing feud into a third season. As that's happening, Pam and Lucy return from the hospital, gabbling excitedly about seeing the baby. Lucy politely asks Sue Ellen, who's lounging by the pool reading a magazine, if she wants a drink, and Sue Ellen curtly replies, "Club soda." JR gets in on that action and carries the drink over to where she's sitting and gently tells her he'd really like it if she made an effort to show some interest in things - like their newborn baby, for example - then applauds her for successfully licking her booze habit and staying on the wagon ever since giving birth. Sue Ellen snaps, "My drinking was never a problem" - haha! - and JR decides to let that whopper of a lie slide as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small jewelry box. He tells her it's a maternity ring - but Sue Ellen shoots him a cold glare, snaps, "I'm no longer for sale", and storms into the house. 

While sitting around the dining table for an informal heart-to-heart, Miss Ellie tells Sue Ellen she's made her share of mistakes in life (the wretched nursery decor being her most recent) and urges her daughter-in-law to not brood about the past, but look forward to a fabulous future. She points out that JR has been on his best behavior lately, and that perhaps a baby is what they both need to stumble through the remaining wreckage of their shitty marriage and see if there's anything worth salvaging [which I find highly doubtful]. Sue Ellen puts her best Stepford face on and assures her overly involved mother-in-law that she is indeed happy, that her baby is the most beautiful thing she's ever seen, and that JR has been completely wonderful to her this episode. Lucy bounds into the room and gushes about how excited she is for all the womenfolk to visit the baby later, and Sue Ellen looks aghast at the idea of spending even a moment with her spawn and pretends to stumble around looking faint. She declares herself too weak to drive into Dallas and says she's going upstairs for yet more rest. After she leaves the room, Lucy tells Miss Ellie that Sue Ellen clearly has no interest in seeing her child...kind of like how her parents abandoned her and then started a spin-off show in which she was never included. 

The doctor tells Miss Ellie that the baby is going to be discharged from the hospital tomorrow, and Miss Ellie's like, "Yippee!" and shares the good news with Lucy and Pam.

JR and Alan Beam are discussing oil leases when Jeb Ames and Willie Joe Garr burst into JR's office unannounced. After Alan beats a hasty retreat, JR chides the two yokels for causing a ruckus while they're out on parole. They remind him that they were working on his behalf when they accidentally tossed Tina Louise off the roof of her apartment building, and JR looks momentarily sad at the loss of his one time mistress and says it sucks that she ended up dead 'cause she never would have spilled the beans on Ewing Oil. Ames and Garr are like, "Whatever" and complain about their money problems now that they've both drained their savings accounts to pay off their legal fees. JR says he couldn't be any less interested in helping them financially...and when they advance on him all threatening-like, he warns that if they so much as touch a hair on his head, he'll see to it that they're back in prison by day's end.  

Bobby tells Sue Ellen he's driving into town to see the baby and offers to give her a ride...and when she makes a blech face, he tells her she can't go on like this indefinitely: wandering moodily around Southfork in her bathrobe. Sue Ellen insists she's just following doctor's orders, then snaps at Bobby to leave her the hell alone.

Bobby arrives at the hospital and spots Cliff about to enter. He runs over and demands to know what he's doing here, and Cliff snarkishly declares that he's here to see his son. Bobby says he won't allow him to cause trouble, and warns him that Sue Ellen is too mentally unfit to take the pressure of having to choose between him and JR. He then blocks him physically from entering the hospital, and Cliff eventually backs off, but vows, "I'll have Sue Ellen and the baby! Any way I have to!" and storms back to his car. 

Cliff returns to his office and is enraged that his oil impact study he wrote in an attempt to halt oil production on various Ewing Oil fields was rejected. He vows to his flunky (who doesn't look as though he has the slightest interest in the Barnes-Ewing feud) that one day he's going to make the Ewings give back everything that belongs to him. Whatever, Cliff...Godspeed.

At breakfast the next morning, JR tells Jock that Ames and Garr stopped by his office yesterday, and Jock contorts his grizzled face into a ew expression and says that those stupid yokels should have been put away for good for killing Tina Louise, then makes it clear that he doesn't want them to have anything to do with Ewing Oil.

Pam and Bobby meet up by the stables and agree that the tedious Barnes-Ewing feud is continuing to wear on both of them. With that said, he tells her that Cliff showed up at the hospital yesterday and that he warned him to stay away from Sue Ellen and the baby. He urges Pam to reinforce that decree, then threatens to concoct a scandal that will ruin Cliff's political career if he doesn't comply.

That afternoon, JR finds Sue Ellen sunning herself by the pool, enjoying a glass of ice tea. He tells her to get changed so they can drive into town and pick up the baby - but Sue Ellen pretends she has a headache and is too frail to make the trip. She then gets up and sashays into the house, and JR follows her upstairs and orders her to cut the shit with her phony headaches and dizzy spells, and start acting like a proper Ewing wife and mother. He grabs a bunch of outfits from her closet, tosses them onto the bed, and orders her to pick something out...and after briefly taunting him to drag her out of the house kicking and screaming [which would have been super awesome to watch], she quietly agrees to accompany him to the hospital. 
​
When JR and Sue Ellen arrive at the hospital, they're swarmed by a crowd of reporters and photographers. A cop rushes over, introduces himself as Lieutenant Simpson from the Dallas Police Department, and informs the two - while the live news cameras are rolling - that their baby has been kidnapped. Egads!

Inside the hospital, the staff apologize to Sue Ellen and JR for their irresponsibility in allowing someone to just walk off with their baby...while the cops assure them that they're doing everything possible to find the tot. JR excuses himself to call Southfork, and informs Miss Ellie, who's putting the final touches on the grisly nursery, that his baby is currently missing. She's like, "Wuh? Missing? There must be a mistake", so JR confirms that, nope, the baby has mysteriously vanished from the hospital...and no one knows who took him or why. Miss Ellie offers to help round up the family and bring them back to Southfork, then tears up and wails, "Oooooh nooooo!!"

Recap: JR drops by the clinic-mansion to get an update on Sue Ellen's detoxification. Dr. Rogers ushers him into his office and informs him that Sue Ellen still has the shakes from her recent booze withdrawal and that - no surprise - she's in a highly perturbed state about being forcibly confined to a rehab clinic-mansion. He says he can't release her anytime soon 'cause it's more than likely that she'll start drinking again, and JR concurs - but says he'd like to see her so he can report on her condition to his nosy family.  

Sue Ellen is sipping a glass of water in her room when JR suddenly appears in the doorway. He asks her how she's feeling, and she snarls at him for leaving her at the clinic-mansion to be treated like a caged animal, then hurls her drinking glass at him. JR hastily shuts the door to avoid being struck...and as the drinking glass shatters, Dr. Rogers locks the door and assures JR that his nutty wife is being well taken care of. Sue Ellen, meanwhile, clutches her pearls (like, literally clutches her pearl necklace) and stares tearfully into space.

Lucy and Miss Ellie return home after shopping for Lucy's prom dress...and Lucy excitedly tells Jock that her date for the evening is a socially acceptable young [hetero] man named Lawrence Templeton. Miss Ellie ambles over to Bobby and moans about how much she hates the idea of Sue Ellen being kept away from the family, but Bobby insists that right now the clinic-mansion is the best possible place for her. Miss Ellie wonders aloud what could possibly have caused the woman to become such a hopeless boozer. Gee, I dunno...could have everything to do with the callous, philandering douchebag she married so she could live a life of pampered leisure on a ranch, aka the most lucrative gold digging opportunity that was available in Texas circa 1975.

Cliff drops by the department store where Pam works and asks her why she's been avoiding him for the last few weeks, so she tells him she's tired of having to take sides in the tedious Barnes-Ewing feud the writers can't seem to fully let go of. She informs him that Sue Ellen has been forcibly confined to a clinic-mansion rehab 'cause of her out-of-control drinking, then accuses him of doinking her purely to get back at JR. Cliff admits that it, yep, their icky affair definitely started out that way - but that he ended things 'cause he didn't want Sue Ellen to lose her social standing as Mrs. JR Ewing. Pam argues that the real reason he broke things off was 'cause he was so worried about what the scandal would do to his budding political career, then snarks at him to stay away from Sue Ellen if he isn't prepared to offer her marriage, kids, a white picket fence, etc.

JR returns home and reports to Jock that Sue Ellen is "out of sorts", but that she appears to be improving from some much needed therapy...and Jock stares into space, looking like he half believes that obvious bullcack.

Miss Ellie drops by the clinic-mansion to visit Sue Ellen...and is spared having anything thrown at her dumb, placid face. Sue Ellen puts on the brightest, happiest faux smile she can muster and gushes about how awesome it is being in rehab - kind of like the vacation that JR never took her on after their honeymoon 'cause he's such a neglectful assbag of a husband. She pretends that the reason she's being confined is 'cause she was so exhausted from all the charity meetings she was attending - but Miss Ellie's like, "Cut the shit" and asks her if her marital problems caused her to start hitting the bottle so hard. Sue Ellen insists that she and JR are just fine, and that they're both looking forward to parenting Cliff's love child while passing him off as the Ewings' first grandson. Miss Ellie chides her for always worrying so much about pleasing her and Jock, then decides it's time she headed back to Southfork so she can lounge around and do her usual nothing alongside her grizzled husband. Sue Ellen gets annoyed when her door is promptly locked by the orderly, then buzzes the nurse and bitchily demands her medicine. The nurse tells her it's not medicine time yet, then fondles the pearls around Sue Ellen's neck and tells her, "There are other ways to keep calm...everything's available if you have the money to pay for it." Sue Ellen snaps at her to get out - but the unfazed nurse urges her to think about what she said. 

Last day of school! Lucy excitedly tells a friend that she somehow passed all of her classes and is eligible for graduation. After that, she runs into Anne and her drug dealer friend...and when they invite her to hang out and pop some pills, Lucy declines and smugly says she's sooo done with the pill addiction storyline. The drug dealer scoffs, "I've heard that one before", then dickishly says the next time she needs her fix, the cost will be double. Lucy chirps, "There won't be a next time", then climbs into her car and squeals off.

Sue Ellen is having a one-on-one therapy session with Dr. Rogers, telling him nonsense like what a successful marriage she and JR have...and denies ever being angry with JR whenever he stays away for long stretches on his "business trips". Dr. Rogers points out that she threw her drinking glass at him the other day and that she really should dig deep in order to uncover why she's been drinking so excessively. Sue Ellen angrily insists that her drinking has been blown out of proportion...then stops herself and says it's not very ladylike to express emotion in front of a stranger. Dr. Rogers refrains from pointing out that her image as a ladylike Texas socialite is a ship that has long sailed, and just tells her that they'll pick up this thread during their next session.

That evening, Jock initiates a fruitless father-son chat with JR. He asks his son whassup with the rift between him and Sue Ellen, and JR breezily assures him it's nothing he can't handle. Jock scrunches his face and says he's not so sure 'bout that, and remarks that Sue Ellen seemed marginally happy (if you don't count her affair with Cliff, and the time she tried to kaput her marriage by fleeing to her mother's) shortly before getting knocked up. JR tries to shift the conversation to the OLM, but Jock snaps, "To hell with the OLM!" and demands to know how JR plans to repair his marriage. JR says he put her into rehab, then whines, "What more do you waaaant?!" Jock credits him for being a good businessman, but orders him to put more effort into being a good husband and father once the baby arrives. JR unconvincingly retorts, "I surely will" - LOL - then beats a hasty retreat from the study, leaving Jock staring contemplatively into space.

JR arrives at the clinic-mansion for a second visit with Sue Ellen. She looks fake jovial and tells him she's totes fine now and eager to come home [so she can hit the booze stash in the Ewing study]. JR says he'll only allow it if Dr. Rogers gives him the green light, then points out that the only reason she's sober is 'cause she hasn't had access to alcohol. He pulls out a newspaper and shows her a photograph with Cliff and his date at a recent gala opening, snidely urging her to remember who she's married to and what's at stake. Sue Ellen accuses him of doctoring the photo, then screams at him to get out. After he leaves, she summons the nurse and removes her pearl necklace.

Sue Ellen is lounging on her bed after a drinking binge (courtesy of the corruptible nurse) when she's informed that Bobby Ewing has arrived for an impromptu visit. 

Bobby hands Sue Ellen a lovely bouquet of flowers, and she smiles at him and waxes on about how marvelous the clinic-mansion is. Bobby gives her a brief update on the family, and Sue Ellen says she's bummed she won't be able to attend Lucy's graduation. Bobby says she just needs to give the doctor time to help her get her head screwed on right...and this triggers a freak-out, during which she starts beating him with the bouquet. A couple of men in white coats quickly rush over, subdue her by grabbing her arms, and announce that they're forcibly taking her back to her room. Bobby snappishly orders them to take their hands off of her, and insists on being the one to escort her inside. 

Sue Ellen apologizes to Bobby for losing control, then complains that the clinic-mansion is little more than a prison. Bobby urges her to give it a chance...and she sarcastically retorts, "All I have in my life is taame." She moans about how hard it is to fill the days at Southfork now that she's a lazy married lady of leisure, then complains that JR always comes home "smelling of his sluts". Bobby blushes and tells her she's embarrassing him and implores her to have this conversation with JR. Sue Ellen stares into his eyes and laments not meeting him first, tells him he's kind and loving...then leans in close and gets all touchy-feely with his face. She natters about how much she loves JR - but that he doesn't love her back...and when he forbade her from adopting a baby in the Black Market Baby episode, she went out and got herself knocked up in order to hurt JR, who incidentally shows zero interest in ever wanting to doink her. She tears up and says the only people she hurt were herself, the hapless fetal alcohol poisoned child she's carrying, and the somewhat clueless baby daddy. Bobby contorts his face into an aghast expression, then grabs her by the arms and demands to know who the baby daddy is, and she admits that it's prolly Cliff Barnes. Bobby gasps, then stares at her in horror...and Sue Ellen hangs her head in shame and whimpers, "No one can help me now."

An enraged Bobby heads straight over to Cliff's apartment, punches him in the face, and says he knows all about his icky affair with Sue Ellen. He snarlingly accuses him of taking advantage of a vulnerable women who also, not coincidentally, could leak intel about JR and Ewing Oil. Cliff insists that at some point during the affair he fell in love with Sue Ellen, but Bobby just shoots him a disbelieving stink-eye. He warns him to keep his trap shut about possibly being Sue Ellen's baby daddy 'cause he doesn't want JR, Jock, or Miss Ellie to find out. Cliff sheepishly agrees, but then informs him that JR has been long clued in about the blechy affair.

Back at the clinic-mansion, the corruptible nurse supplies Sue Ellen with more booze, then bitches at her for being such a messy inmate. Sue Ellen implores her to leave her door unlocked so she can flee at the first available opportunity, but the nurse refuses. As she starts making the bed, Sue Ellen hits her on the head with a water pitcher, then grabs her purse and booze and flees. She finds a car parked near the entrance that has keys in the ignition (it always amazes me that people wander away from their cars with the keys in the ignition) and drives off. As she chugs from her booze bottle, she swerves to avoid hitting a car, but then crashes into a telephone pole.

At the hospital, Dr. Krane examines an injured Sue Ellen and announces that the baby is miraculously OK after the car crash - but that it needs to be delivered by Caesarean asap. She exits the exam room to tell JR and Bobby that Sue Ellen has some internal bleeding and if they don't deliver the baby now, they could both be lost. She also mentions that Sue Ellen had been drinking at the time of the accident...and JR and Bobby relay all of the shocking news to the rest of the family that's camped out in the waiting room.

As Sue Ellen is being prepped in the operating room, the surgeon remarks that Sue Ellen's drinking has "doubled our trouble", and that they only have a window of two minutes to deliver her preemie.

Bobby asks Pam if she knew that Cliff was doinking Sue Ellen, and she admits she did...but then shows no signs of knowing that he might be the baby daddy. Bobby tells her he paid a visit to Cliff and punched him 'cause he was so miffed at him for taking advantage of Sue Ellen.

Cliff turns on the TV and sees news coverage about Sue Ellen's car accident and subsequent hospitalization. Must have been a slow news day in Dallas. He looks alarmed and rushes out.

A nurse informs JR he now has a son, and that he's currently on display through the glass window in the neonatal unit. Dr. Krane tells him that Sue Ellen is stable, but that the baby will be touch-and-go for a few days. Pam spots Cliff in the hall, discreetly extricates herself from the Ewings, and demands to know what he's doing here. He replies, "I want to see my son!" and Pam stares at him in shocked horror before accompanying him to the neonatal unit. Cliff stares tearfully at the incubated baby and decrees that the tot, assuming he survives his fetal alcohol poisoning, is going to be raised a Barnes. (Nope.)

A somber JR and Bobby are sitting by Sue Ellen's bedside. JR wonders aloud why their marriage degenerated into such a hate-filled cesspool, then reminisces about how much he loved her for the first five minutes after they got married. He stares at her and tearfully remarks on how beautiful she is, and that she's got to live, damn it!

Recap: Sue Ellen arrives at her doctor's office in a wood paneled station wagon, which I thought was a surprisingly frumpy car for the wife of JR Ewing to be driving. She parks, pulls out a flask and takes a few sips, then goes inside to see how far along her hapless spawn's fetal alcohol syndrome has progressed.

Lucy is at the department store where Pam works, looking over necklaces in the jewelry department. She buys the most expensive one she can find and charges it to the Ewing account. Pam spots her and rushes over, assumes she's here for their previously arranged appointment to try on prom dresses, and tells her she put aside the prettiest ones for her to peruse. Lucy stares at her with a spaced-out expression for a few seconds, then says she forgot all about the prom dresses and just stopped by to buy her friend a birthday present. She then rushes out of the store, leaving Pam staring after her in puzzlement.

Dr. Krane tells Sue Ellen that everything's fine...and by everything's fine, she means she needs to cut down on her binge-drinking asap. She tells her that her tests revealed high levels of alcohol in her bloodstream - not that it isn't obvious to anyone with half a brain that she staggered in here drunk. Sue Ellen says she has no right to lecture her, and an incredulous Dr. Krane points out to the nitwit that her health and that of her spawn are her responsibility. Sue Ellen haughtily retorts that she merely had one cocktail at lunch...and that if she continues to give her a hard time about her incessant drinking, she's going to shop around for "a more understanding doctor".  

Lucy enters a pawn shop to sell the necklace she just bought and is offered a measly $50 for it. She hems and haws but eventually agrees to the price, then rushes off to meet up with her drug dealer, who hands her a fresh supply of pills and a soda to wash them down with. He invites her to attend a party at (their friend) Anne's house later, and Lucy says she's totes up for that.  

Pam stops by Ewing Oil to touch base with Bobby before the two head home. He tells her he read the new OLM guidelines, then grumbles about how they're even stricter than last year's. In short, nothing in Texas gets built without Cliff's approval. Pam makes a whaddya gonna do? expression and says that while she loves her brother, sometimes she doesn't like him...and isn't quite ready to return his phone calls. She swiftly changes the subject and asks him if he's noticed anything strange about Lucy, and he just shrugs and says she's mostly been quiet ever since getting the heave-ho from her closeted gay fiance. The two then have to put a pin in that discussion when Sue Ellen staggers in and says she's here to meet JR, 'cause apparently they're putting on a facade of marital unity while attending a fundraising dinner. Once Pam and Bobby exit the office, Sue Ellen makes a beeline over to JR's booze cabinet and pours herself a stiff drink.

JR is in a meeting with a senator and some other white guy, and the three are bitching about how much they hate the new OLM guidelines. The senator invites JR to join them and another senator for drinks so they can continue bitching about the OLM...and JR checks his watch, stares contemplatively into space for a few seconds, then decides to blow off plans to attend the fundraising dinner with Sue Ellen without bothering to tell her.   

Sue Ellen, meanwhile, continues to throw back the booze while waiting for JR to show up. She drunk dials Cliff and asks him if she can come over, but he says no 'cause he's currently canoodling with a woman...then adds that he'd have no problem rebuffing her even if he were home alone. 

Ray is in his ranch hand hovel, polishing his boots when a blitzed Lucy drops by and touchily-feely invites him to get it on with her. He pushes her away and snappishly says he's not in the mood for her games, then asks her if she's been drinking. She gigglingly says no...and when he asks her what she's on, she coos, "It's soooo wonderful" and starts unbuttoning his shirt, as if we didn't get enough of the yokel's naked pecs in the previous episode after he hit the sheets with Donna. The horruh. Ray reminds Lucy that they made a deal to just be friends, not least 'cause at some point in the series he turns out to be her $#@&% uncle, then goes over to his kitchenette to put on a pot of coffee so she can sober herself up.

Sue Ellen wisely decides she's too drunk to continue driving, so she pulls over to the side of the road and promptly passes out.

Ray pours Lucy a cup of coffee...and when she snarks that she doesn't want it, he looms over her and asks her if she wants her grandparents to get wind of her pill popping. She wails, "I don't care! No one notices me anyway!" and a fed up Ray shoves the mug in her face and forces coffee down her throat, snapping at her to shape up.

Bobby spots Sue Ellen's car on the side of the road, and both he and Pam pull over to check it out. When they find Sue Ellen passed out in the driver's seat, Bobby picks her up and transports her to his car and tells Pam he'll send a ranch hand to collect her car in the morning. ​When they arrive at Southfork, they discreetly bring her upstairs and deposit her atop her bed. Bobby then decides, "Enough is enough" and says he's going to confront Jock and Miss Ellie about tonight's bender. Pam, meanwhile, sits by Sue Ellen's bedside...and when she regains consciousness, she tears up and whimpers about how Cliff won't talk to her anymore, then says she's pretty sure he was with a woman tonight. Pam clucks sympathetically, then urges her to shut it about her ex-lover and get some rest.

Bobby contorts his default blank expression into one of grave concern as enters the study and gives his parents the what-for for pretending that everything is A-OK with Sue Ellen...and uselessly looking the other way while she continues to poison their unborn grandchild with her binge-drinking. He explains that this evening she had spent hours boozing it up in JR's office while waiting for him to show up...and eventually gave up waiting, got behind the wheel, and was found by him and Pam passed out in her car. JR enters the study and asks whassup...and when he's informed about Sue Ellen's drunken incident, he gets defensive, says his meeting ran late, and that it's not his fault his wife is a hopeless boozer. Miss Ellie abruptly clears the room so she can have a stern-faced mother-son chat. She chides him for being a power hungry douche (like Jock) when it comes to business, but having no redeeming qualities (unlike Jock) in his personal life...and that he's neglected Sue Ellen since day one of their marriage and doesn't even bother to be discreet about his serial womanizing. She warns him that his baby is in danger from her constant drinking and that he urgently needs to do something - but JR snaps, "It's too late!" and stalks out of the room. Miss Ellie tears up and whimpers to herself about the lousy parenting skills she exercised during JR's formative years, which...no fucking duh. It's interesting she's not the slightest self-reflective about the shit job she also did raising Lucy after the family cruelly ripped her away from Gary and Val.

Ray tells Lucy he's going to fetch Bobby so he can help get her into the main house without her grandparents noticing how stoned she is. After he leaves, Lucy giggles to herself as she sneaks out of his hovel and heads off to Anne's party. 

When Ray returns to his hovel with Bobby, he's dismayed that Lucy has disappeared...even though anyone with an ounce of foresight could have seen that coming. Ray thinks she might be at Anne's house, so the two climb into his truck and speed off. They arrive at Anne's house, notice that there's a party in full swing, and find Lucy canoodling with a boy. Bobby yanks her by the arm and tells her it's time to go home...then tells Anne that he plans on tattling to her parents about the party. Bobby then grabs Lucy's purse, finds a little bag of pills inside, and asks her how long she's been taking them. When she just giggles in response, Bobby stuffs her into the passenger seat of her car and ferries her back to Southfork.

When they pull up to the house, Bobby instructs Lucy to act as normal as possible in front of her grandparents and hope to hell they don't clue in to her pill popping. He then tosses her car keys at Ray and decrees that she's no longer allowed to drive her car without their permission. Bobby fibs to Miss Ellie by telling her that Lucy got a flat tire...and Lucy nods and does her best to not appear spacey. After she heads up to bed, Miss Ellie remarks to Bobby how ghastly Lucy looked, and Bobby breezily says she's been going through a rough patch lately and will hopefully get over it before the end credits start rolling.

At daybreak, JR thrusts open the curtains of his bedroom, smashes one of Sue Ellen's booze bottles on the floor, and admonishes her for embarrassing him in front of his family with last night's bender. Sue Ellen snaps back that it's his fault for keeping her waiting at his office [which, unfortunately, was equipped with a fully stocked bar] ... and when he whines that he was at a business meeting, she snarls, "Which was more important than me!" JR sheepishly promises it won't happen again, and Sue Ellen chuckles and says he must have gotten a tongue lashing from Jock for his negligence. She taunts him by chirping, "'Til death do us part" and he snaps back that he has no intention of putting up with a drunk wife, and orders her to dry out and transform herself into "an admirable wife and mother". Sue Ellen lets out a caustic laugh and asks what reward she'll get from him, then asks, "A good father..?" and JR snidely retorts, "Not for that bastard you're carrying, you won't." Yeesh. After he storms out of the room, Sue Ellen gets out of bed and staggers over to the closet, pulls out a hidden bottle of booze in a shoe box, and takes a big swig.

Pam tells Bobby she's worried about leaving Lucy and Sue Ellen in the house alone - but Bobby brushes off her concerns 'cause what could go wrong with leaving a pregnant alcoholic and her dimwitted pill-popping niece to their own devices?

Lucy is high on pills again, giggling as she plays with backgammon pieces. When she gets bored and staggers out of the study, she sees a drunk Sue Ellen teetering at the top of the staircase clutching a suitcase and staring down at her with her cold, bloodshot eyes. She suddenly collapses and topples down the flight of stairs, and a giggling Lucy hovers over her uselessly. Ray happens to enter the house at that moment, rebuffs Lucy's ill-timed attempts to smooch him, and calls an ambulance.

Ray calls Bobby at Ewing Oil to report Sue Ellen's accident, then shares the doctor's optimism that both she and the baby are going to be A-OK...aside from the deteriorating fetal alcohol syndrome situation that no one in the Ewing family seems interested in doing fuck all about. He adds that Lucy popped a bunch of pills again and was stoned out of her mind when Sue Ellen fell down the stairs...and Bobby's all, "Fuuuuuuuuck.." and rushes over to JR's office to give him the troubling update about his wife.

At the hospital, Dr. Krane tells JR that, according to tests, Sue Ellen is fine - but that she wants to keep her in the hospital for observation. She adds that if Sue Ellen continues to booze it up, she'll continue to put the health of her baby in serious jeopardy and strongly recommends she be put into rehab, like pronto. JR replies, "Ewings take care of their own", and Dr. Krane rolls her eyes 'cause of how well that's been working out...and when Jock and Miss Ellie arrive, she also gives them a quick update. Jock pulls JR aside and gruffly tells him he's going to need to face up to his responsibilities as a husband and father...and since it appears as though that reality hasn't penetrated his skull yet, he's going to see to it that he straightens out so his grandson has a father he can be proud of. 

Bobby confronts Lucy in the study and solemnly tells her that Sue Ellen could have died during the fall. He asks her if she really wants to go through life doped up on pills, and she bursts into tears and says she's mortified that she was too stoned to help Sue Ellen while she was laying helplessly on the floor. Bobby orders her to stop popping pills, and says that coping with emotional pain is part of life. Lucy tearfully promises to try, and the two hug it out.

Sue Ellen chuckles as she blames her high heels for the fall...and Jock and Miss Ellie smile blandly and pretend that, yep, that's the most plausible explanation for her accident. JR announces that he's putting her in a rehab clinic in Ft. Worth, and Sue Ellen poutishly replies, "But there's nothing wrong with me" and everyone in the room exchanges seriously? glances.   

JR drives Sue Ellen to the clinic, which looks to be a large mansion. She begs him not to leave her here - but he says he has to, not least 'cause when she's drunk he can't trust her to keep her pie hole shut about the baby likely being Cliff's love spawn. Two men in white coats rush over - LOL - and forcibly drag Sue Ellen towards the entrance of the clinic-mansion. She shrieks in protest, then shouts in JR's direction, "I'll get back at you someday!!"

TO BE CONTINUED!

Recap: JR tries to get a call through to Papa Mainwaring, but has no luck getting him on the phone...and Miss Ellie overhears and asks him why he's bothering, since clearly the man wants as little to do with the Ewings as possible. JR points out that their families could still do business together despite Lucy's "dumping" of Kit...and the two head over to the dining room, where a visibly depressed Lucy is staring dejectedly into space. She irritably tells JR he'll be just fine if he doesn't do business with the Mainwarings, and Miss Ellie sternly tells JR now that the subplot involving the Mainwarings and their closeted gay son is over, there will be no further talk of that family. Bobby offers to drive Lucy to school, so the two walk outside together and encounter a giant box in the driveway. Bobby tells Lucy to close her eyes so he can pull apart the box and reveal - ta da! - a red sports car! Bobby jokingly says it's getting to be too much of a pain to drive her to school in the mornings and that he thinks she's mature enough to have a car of her own. Lucy bounds into the driver's seat and slowly pulls out of the driveway.

JR and Jock arrive at Ewing Oil and go straight into a meeting with Bud Morgan, who I'll assume is one of their project managers. Bud is complaining that the Office of Land Management (OLM) has stopped his crew's test drilling, to which Jock grunts, "How in the heck could they do that?" JR says it's not they, it's Cliff Barnes...and that Cliff claims that the OLM needs more time to study an environmental report. He says it's clear that the OLM is dragging its feet on this report strictly out of dickishness, then reluctantly orders Bud to let his crew go until they can resolve the issue. After Bud leaves, JR tells Jock they're going to have to get rid of Cliff and/or somehow take the power away from the OLM. Jock suggests they get in touch with his old pal Sam Culver, an ex-governor and ex-speaker of the house. He then offers to make the call 'cause apparently Sam owes him a favor.

Ray arrives at the house and tells Bobby he saw Lucy driving very slowly in her new sports car. Bobby says he hopes that the gift will ease her heartbreak over Kit, to which Ray whines that no one bought him anything when his affair with Garnet McGee took a nasty turn after she started hitting the sheets with JR. Bobby points out that Jock gave him the deed to a plot of land on the Southfork property so he could build a house...and refrains from reminding him that he's a grown ass man and shouldn't expect gifts whenever things with his fuckees go awry. Ray stares despondently into space and says he's not ready to think about building a house yet.
​
Inside the stereotypical Longhorn bar, Texans decked out in plaid shirts, jeans, and cowboy hats are do-si-do-ing and drinking beer. The camera pans over to a table of strangers we've never seen before, and the womenfolk are complaining about the wretched hillbilly music and that they'd much prefer being at the disco. One of the women, a blonde named Donna Culver, says she digs all things hillbilly and wants to stay...and Ray, who's sitting at the nearby bar, overhears this madness and looks intrigued. One of the men sitting at the table strongly urges Donna to leave with the group, but she gets irked and snaps at him to leave her alone. Ray interjects himself and tells him to leave her be, then assures him that the Longhorn is a respectable place and that she'll be fine. The man glances around, fearful of the yokelly cowboys who have suddenly gathered around and look ready to rumble over something that has absolutely nothing to do with them, and agrees to leave. Donna thanks Ray for coming to her rescue and accepts his offer to buy her a drink. Ray's all, "Squeal!" 'cause this is the most action he's seen in eleven episodes, and excitedly motions for the bartender to bring over some drinks. 

Later, Ray and Donna are sitting together at a table, talking. He natters about how special Southfork is, and proudly tells her he was given a plot of land on the ranch so he could build a house, raise horses, and never truly have a life of his own. Donna asks why he hasn't built his house yet...and he gets all red-faced and says he almost had a girlfriend once, but that things didn't work out when he found out she was a shameless cheater. Donna's cab arrives...and as the two say goodnight, they arrange to meet up at the Longhorn tomorrow night. As she sashays out of the bar, Ray stares after her longingly.

JR and Jock meet up with Sam Culver for lunch in a fancy restaurant. Sam tells them he heard that "Digger's Boy" is giving them trouble, and Jock nods and says he's been using his position at the OLM to constantly needle Ewing Oil. He and JR wank Sam about how powerful in Texas he is, then complain that the OLM is wreaking havoc with their business. JR warns that if the OLM isn't forced to back off, they're going to have to get their oil "from the A-rabs", and Sam gasps [at the derogatory pronunciation of Arabs and/or the idea of looking outside Texas for a steady oil supply] and replies, "You're pretty direct." Jock pleads with Sam to do his best to rein in the OLM...and somehow the conversation segue ways into Sam's recent marriage to a woman more than half his age, and an invitation for the two of them to come to Southfork for dinner on Saturday night. Sam announces that his young wife will be meeting him here any second 'cause they have plans to go shopping together...and a few seconds later, he glances toward the entrance of the restaurant and happily announces that she's arrived. The blonde woman, who remains hidden behind the waiter as she strides over the table, reveals herself a few seconds later to be - gasp! - Donna Culver. 

That evening, JR enters the study and finds Sue Ellen sitting in a chair and broodily drinking. He warns her that if she continues to drink like this while pregnant, he's going to evict her onto a trash heap...but she just chuckles and asks if she's embarrassing him - and if so, he should feel free to seek comfort elsewhere. JR's like, "Whatever" and tells her he finally found a way to put a stop to Cliff's abuse of OLM power, then urges her to stay away from the dining room so the family can eat without having to look at her drunken, glazed over expression. 

Donna arrives at the Longhorn and tells Ray she debated whether or not to come. Ray stares at her all smitten-like in a borderline creepy way, orders a couple of drinks, and gushes about what a mysterious woman she is. She gives him a brief bio: she's twenty-eight, was born in Marshall TX, and has no idea what she's doing having drinks with an over-eager dork in a hillbilly bar. She softens and says she likes that he didn't try to hit on her last night, then asks him what he's looking for. He shrugs and somehow refrains from desperately crying out, "For someone...anyone to love meeeeee!!" and instead replies, "Just a happy ending." He tells her it all starts with finding someone you could be happy with, and stares longingly into her eyes...and Donna cryptically mutters, "Things always change" and that she just wants to have a fun evening. Ray says he could definitely get on board with that, then raises his beer mug and toasts, "To fun!"

On the breakfast patio at Southfork the next morning, Miss Ellie asks Jock if Sam's new wife is pretty...and Jock snorts derisively and says the old goat hooked up with a woman who's way too young. He assures her he's not jealous, and that a young woman like that couldn't possibly hold a candle to "a real woman" like her, and Miss Ellie lights up at the blatant wankery and gives him a happy kiss. Pam and Bobby bound onto the patio wearing matching tennis outfits and announce that they're off to the club...and a few seconds later, Sue Ellen staggers outside and stares vacantly into space while sipping from her breakfast Bloody Mary. Jock and Miss Ellie scrunch their faces concernedly in lieu of actually doing anything to help their troubled daughter-in-law as she continues developing a fetal alcohol syndrome situation for her hapless unborn spawn. Ray arrives and tells Jock he's ready to start stocking his land section with cattle, then blushingly says he met a purdy lady...and on the basis of chatting with the woman over drinks two nights in a row, he's decided that things are looking up on the romance front. Pam gushes, "That's great!" and says she and Bobby would love to meet her. Ray likes the sound of that and invites the two to join him and Donna at the Longhorn bar on Monday night.
​
At Southfork on Saturday night, Sam and Donna are over for dinner...and Sam regales the group with tiresome stories from the old days. Ho hum. Bobby reminds Donna that they briefly went to high school together, and Donna gives him a summary of how she hooked up with Sam. JR tries to steer the conversation to business matters, but Sam ignores the cue and lays it on thick about how marrying Donna gave him "a younger slant on things" and that she has such a useful point of view. JR gently points out that she probably isn't as well versed as him in the oil business, but Sam just shrugs and says, regardless, he depends heavily on her judgement on account of how much he treasures her. He tells JR he hasn't decided whether or not to lean on Cliff's stalling practices within the OLM, but is waiting for an opinion to magically penetrate its way into his brain. 

Later, JR compliments Sue Ellen for being so well behaved during dinner, and she explains that she was too busy thinking to do much talking. JR snidely asks, "About your next drink?" so Sue Ellen explains that she couldn't stop thinking about Donna, a young woman who's resigned herself in marriage to an old goat - but yet still has a far better marriage than they do. JR rolls his eyes and says he doubts the two ever hit the sack [yeesh, visual alert], but Sue Ellen insists that even if that's true, the marriage is still miles better than theirs. True enough - though it's a pretty low bar to measure any other marriage against. She says that Sam is a man who cares about his wife, takes her advice and listens...and JR suddenly realizes that if he wants Sam's decision about the OLM to go his way, he's going to have to win over the wife. Well d'yuh, genius. 

Lucy and a small group of gal pals are lounging by the Southfork pool. The gals urge Lucy to start getting out again and to stop being such a downer, then point out that there are men other than her closeted gay ex-fiance she could hook up with. One of the girls pulls out a bottle of pills, hands a pill to Lucy, and promises that it'll improve her mood...and if I'm not mistaken, this is the start of a 'drug addiction that's destined to quickly spiral out of control' subplot. 

Bobby and Pam arrive at the Longhorn to double date with Ray and his lady...but when they enter the bar and glance across the room, they notice that Ray's new girlfriend is none other than Donna Culver. Pam's like, "OMG!" and Bobby hustles her out of there before Ray can see them. As they hurry to their car, Bobby says he can only assume that Ray has no idea she's married. 

Sue Ellen is drunkenly hosting a Daughters of the Alamo meeting at Southfork. One of the committee members pulls Miss Ellie aside and tells her that everyone has been noticing that Sue Ellen hasn't been herself lately (translation: she's a hopeless lush), and would like her to resign until she's "feeling better". Miss Ellie concurs and says she'll handle it. Sue Ellen, meanwhile, has propped herself up against the side of the house, boozing it up in a not-so-subtle fashion.

JR overhears Pam and Bobby talking in hushed tones about the Ray and Donna situation and looks intrigued.

Bobby arranges to meet up with Donna at a restaurant and asks her point blank why she's seeing Ray, then adds that he's a friend. Donna hangs her head shamefully and says that Ray has no idea she's married and snarks at Bobby for sticking his nose in their bidness. Bobby tells her that the clusterfuck with Garnet McGee nearly broke him in half, and that he doesn't deserve to have his tender heart broken a second time. Donna tells him she didn't intend on dating Ray ('cause duh), but now that they've chatted over drinks two nights in a row, she's starting to care for him. Bobby tells her to make up her mind - a) stay in her gold digging marriage with Sam, or b) give up the financial perks of being Mrs. Culver and start slumming it with Ray on his plot of land - 'cause she can't have it both ways. Donna stares contemplatively into space and nods, then says that Sam Culver is the best man she knows, but that she always knew she wasn't actually in love with them when they married. She says she fully grasps that someone is about to get hurt, but doesn't think she can prevent that from happening. 

As the Daughters of the Alamo meeting wraps up and the committee members start heading to their cars, Miss Ellie announces that Sue Ellen had such a rough day that she should probably resign as committee chair asap. Sue Ellen pretends she was just about to suggest that herself...and the committee ladies look thrilled at being rid of the lush and high-five each other. LOL.

Ray hits the sack with Donna at the Starlight Motel - ew - and we get to endure the spectacle of him lounging around bare-chested. Post-doink, Ray suggests that the two of them go away together so they can get to know each other, then solemnly adds, "It's getting serious on my end." JR, meanwhile, is parked across the street from the motel, gleefully spying on the lovers.

The next day, JR stakes out the Culver house, a ginormous brick house, and waits until Donna gets into her car and drives off. He follows her downtown...then pretends to accidentally bump into her on the street. After some initial chit-chat, he remarks on the vast age difference between her and Sam...then snidely adds that no doubt there are lots of advantages for her being in a marriage like this. Donna rolls her eyes and tells him she's heard this all before and assumes he's hitting on her. When he replies, with a straight face, "No, I'm a married man. I believe in the sanctity of marriage", she asks why he's hassling her then. He tells her he just happened to spot Ray's truck barreling down the street last night and thought something might be wrong so he followed him to the Starlight Motel...and was curious enough to hang around and see who he was doinking. He fake laments the idea of Ray getting his heart broken again, then wonders aloud why Ray would allow himself to fool around with a married woman. Donna calls JR out on expecting a favor in exchange for keeping her affair with Ray a secret, and JR promises to keep the scandal on the down-low if she instructs her husband to do everything he can to take the power away from the OLM, aka Cliff Barnes. 

Lucy's gal pals are urging her to attend a party and promise that boys are expected to be in attendance. The pill pusher from earlier gives her another dose of whatever she's peddling...and Lucy takes the pill, immediately perks up, and announces that she's totes down for a party.

Ray gets a call from Donna, and the two make arrangements to meet up in a remote location.

Jock tells JR that Ray is looking to stock up his land section with cattle...and JR feigns cluelessness about what's currently going on in Ray's life and goes, "Really?" then tells his daddy he expects to hear from Sam shortly, and that he's confident the conversation will go really well.

Ray kisses Donna hello, and she finally comes clean about her marriage to a much older man - who, incidentally, she just told she's leaving. She says that Sam was very kind about getting the dumperoo and wished her well. She tells Ray she's leaving Dallas to think about whether or not she's ready to make any kind of commitment to a yokelly ranch hand such as himself, and Ray implores her to stay and says they can work this out together. She assures him she won't be gone forever and may well be into the idea of re-hooking up if he's still interested. Ray gives her a smooch and says, "I'll be here" ... 'cause, well, duh ... where the hell else is he gonna go?

The next morning, JR gets a call from Sam Culver, who tells him he had a long talk with his soon-to-be ex-wife, whose strong opinion it is that OLM is doing an excellent job tormenting the shit out of Ewing Oil. JR is shocked and suggests a face-to-face meeting, but Sam declines and abruptly hangs up, leaving JR to sheepishly admit to Jock that the OLM is still on their backs. A few seconds later, Ray shows up at the house and tells Bobby he's now interested in looking at floor plans. He says that things with Donna didn't quite work out as he hoped, but that he's pretty sure he could care for someone again. He grins stupidly and pronounces, "It's a damn fine feeling."

During the double date dinner, Lucy tells JR and Sue Ellen that Kit yearns to be a writer, and Kit hastily clarifies that writing is more of a hobby 'cause working in the family's oil business keeps him in touch with the real world. As he blathers to JR about the Mainwaring empire, Lucy poutishly chides him and JR for talking business during their dinner date. JR calls for the check and urges Lucy and Kit to go out and have a marvelous time...and as he and Sue Ellen exit the restaurant, she wryly tells him he can cut the shit with 'the nice guy routine' now. LOL. 

Kit is working in his office when his stern-faced father enters. He shows Kit the invitation he just received for the upcoming Ewing barbecue and compliments him for giving up his former life of boozing, gambling, and gay carousing...and giving everyone the strong impression that he may settle down in a traditional hetero marriage with a woman of his station. Kit tells him not to make too much of all the time he's been spending with Lucy, 'cause at most he only thinks of her as a girlfriend-beard. Papa Mainwaring admits his intense dislike for the Ewings - JR in particular - but says he's willing to overlook their shittiness if he (Kit) is willing to help forge an alliance between their families. Kit mulls that over as he stares contemplatively into space. 

Ewing barbecue! Lucy looks deliriously happy as she dances with Kit, while Pam notices Sue Ellen drunkenly stumbling around the patio...and steers her into the house so she won't freak out the guests.

As Lucy gushes to Ray about how in looooove with Kit she is, Bobby discreetly explains to Kit that Ray and Lucy have a special bond on account of all the [inappropriate and what we later learn was incestuous] attention he paid to her when no one else in the family could be bothered to give her the time of day. He tells Kit that if he marries Lucy he couldn’t ask for a nicer nephew in-law - but adds that if he or his penis are not fully up to the task, he should end this sham of an engagement before it goes any further. Kit mulls over that sage advice and promises to take it under consideration. A few seconds later, Mama and Papa Mainwaring arrive at the barbecue, and Kit and Lucy scamper over to say hello. The Mainwarings gush about how lovely Lucy is, and Papa Mainwaring politely asks her to dance. Mama Mainwaring makes clear to Kit how delighted she and his father would be if he married the dwarfish Ewing, and Kit starts to look visibly conflicted. Run, Kit! Runnnnn!

JR sidles up to Papa Mainwaring and invites him to play racquetball with him at the club sometime, but Papa Mainwaring says he's putting the brakes on any male bonding attempts until Lucy and Kit officially seal the deal. Cue Lucy, who suddenly shrieks, “YESSSS! I love you!!” then screechily informs the partygoers that Kit just had a major brain-fart and proposed marriage to her - and that she's so clueless about his sexual preference for dudes that she said YESSSS! Everyone’s all, "Awww!” and clumps around her and Kit in a really awkward looking group hug as the scene fades out for a commercial break.

A few days later, the Ewings are looking over the engagement announcement in the newspaper. Sue Ellen says it’s been awhile since there was a wedding at Southfork, then estimates that they'll probably invite around three hundred people to the ranch to celebrate her nuptials. Lucy says she'd much prefer a small wedding and wants her parents to be present...and after a lot of awkward glances around the table, Miss Ellie offers to check in with the writers of the forthcoming Knot's Landing to see if they'd be up for some spin-off crossover. JR offers to give Lucy a ride downtown, then tosses his car keys at her and says he's thinking about buying her a car as a graduation present. A bewildered but excited Lucy climbs into the driver’s seat. 

A gaggle of old white cronies are in JR's office, complaining about how the Mainwarings have launched an environmental impact study with the OLM, which Cliff is happily supporting. JR tells them that the Mainwarings are building a new oil refinery on the Gulf...and the cronies acknowledge that they're going to need an in with the Ewings' new in-laws. 

Lucy and Kit are out dancing again, and Lucy is decked out in a glittery top and tight pants. During a drink break, they run into Kit's college roommate - a delicate featured young man named Sam, who stares wistfully at Kit as he awkwardly congratulates them on their engagement. Lucy ignores that giant red flag and accompanies Kit to his luxury apartment, where Kit announces that he's finally braced himself to hit the sheets with her.

As Lucy enjoys some post-coital afterglow, she compliments Kit's expert lovemaking...and concurs with him that she feels as though she just conquered the world. She ruefully admits to being a rich spoiled brat who never cared about anyone, but says she definitely loves him 'cause of how much he loves and respects her. Kit's like, "Uh huh, whatever", gives her a smooch, and says he'd better take her home asap. 

Kit drops by Ewing Oil to have a heart-to-heart with Bobby. He tells Bobby he's going to have to call off the wedding, but doesn't know how to break the news to Lucy. When Bobby scrunches his face confusedly and asks whassup with his sudden change of heart, Kit blurts out, "I'm a homosexual, Bobby!" and Bobby just stares back at him with his default blank expression looking blanker than usual. Kit says he didn't mean to lead Lucy on...but somehow, despite his preference for men, he fell in love with her and took her to bed last night. As anyone could predict, a dose of hetero sex with Lucy didn't really take, and he glumly declares, "I'm still a homosexual." Bobby looks aghast and says there's no getting around the fact that this news is going to be devastating to Lucy, and Kit says he knows he's going to have to bite the bullet and tell her.

Lucy is excitedly looking over all the wedding gifts that wedding guests have been sending to Southfork. Sue Ellen enters the room with two of her society lady friends, then announces that the three of them are going to lunch.

JR and Papa Mainwaring are in a meeting at Ewing Oil, discussing JR's desire to benefit from the new oil refinery. Bobby joins the meeting just as JR waxes on about how the Ewings and Mainwarings are practically family, and Papa Mainwaring solemnly concurs, "Family counts for everything" before heading out. Subtle, writers. Bobby scrunches his face concernedly and tells JR that if Lucy's and Kit's future marriage is the only thing holding the deal together, then it probably isn't going to happen. He says that Kit just told him he plans on canceling the wedding - but JR's like, "Uh, not" and insists that Kit is marrying Lucy no matter what. Bobby's like, "Nuh uh" and says it would be better for all concerned if Kit were to quickly disappear, never to be seen on Dallas again - but JR shrugs and says, "Women marry homosexuals all the time." When Bobby's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!", JR explains that Kit made his gaydar go off like a car alarm during a thunder storm...and Bobby shakes his head with disgust and tells him he's reached a new low, and that it is impossible for the wedding to proceed. 

Kit calls Lucy to invite her over to dinner later...and she cluelessly gushes about how much she looooves him. A few minutes later, JR drops by Kit's apartment and urges him to avoid doing anything rash, and assures him that Lucy can keep him on the straight and narrow, pun intended. When Kit stares at him in surprise, JR says he's known for some time that he's a homosexual - but because he's so desperate to cozy up to his well connected daddy, he needs him to marry Lucy and live a tortured life as a closeted gay man.

Lucy arrives at Kit's apartment for dinner and gabbles at him about wanting to go to college and hold off on having kids. A tortured Kit blurts out, "I can't marry you!" and Lucy's all, "Wha-a-a?" and poutishly says she thought he loved her. He assures her he does (sort of) then tells her that the college roommate they ran into the other night, Sam, was a whole lot more than just his roommate...which anyone with half a brain could have detected. He declares, "I'm a homosexual!" ... and once Lucy gets over the immediate discombobulation of that reveal, she insists she can learn to live with being a wife-beard. Kit's like, "Er, really..?" and asks her if she can truly learn to live with him doinking Sam or any other gay lovers he may become attracted to...and she sadly shakes her head and starts sobbing. Kit tells her he learned a lot about himself while dating her and feels terrible about breaking her heart. He then laments how pissed off JR is going to be about him cancelling the wedding - but Lucy assures him that she'll prevent any kind of scandal. She gives him a kiss and asks him if they can still see each other, and and he says he'd be fine with it "once it stops hurting". Lucy dissolves into a startlingly ugly cry and wails, "That's not going to be for a very loooooong time!" and flees the apartment.

Back at Southfork, JR tells Jock about his meeting with Papa Mainwaring, and that the Ewing-Mainwaring partnership is firmly on track. Pam, Bobby, and Sue Ellen and her two society lady friends arrive at the ranch, followed by a despondent Lucy. She announces that the wedding's off 'cause of how turned off she suddenly is by Kit's jealousy and possessiveness. JR looks alarmed and snaps, "That's nonsense!", but Lucy digs in and says she's not changing her mind and that she prolly won't get married for a looooong time. Jock interjects and says she doesn't have to get married if she doesn't want to, and Miss Ellie warns JR to leave her alone. 

Bobby finds Lucy sobbing in the study and coos, "You gave quite a performance" and remarks that Kit has a lot to be grateful for. He gushes over her courage and calls her "quite a lady", but Lucy just cries about how much it hurts. She squeaks, "When will it stop?" and Bobby assures her that in all likelihood the writers will forget all about this storyline by the time the end credits roll...and this seems to make Lucy sob even harder.

Recap: Bobby and JR are playing a vigorous game of racquetball...and Bobby wins after he crashes into JR to make the winning shot. JR cackles about how all of this vigorous exercise is good therapy for him 'cause he's been celibate ever since Pam left Southfork. The two are about to start another game when a young woman pokes her head inside the court to inform Bobby that he's been summoned to Southfork.

Pam and her boss, Liz Craig, are overseeing a photo shoot for the department store...and Pam strikes up a friendship with one of the models who's played by Veronica Hamel.

At Southfork, Ray and a ranch hand named Frank inform Bobby that a gang of rustlers made off with a truckload of Southfork cattle, and that it's happened a few other times over the last few months. Bobby stares blankly into space as he digests that troubling development and says he'll call the neighboring ranchers to see if they too have been having rustler issues.

Over at Ewing Oil, JR is complaining to a small group of oil industry cronies about some new oil refinery deal, and that he hopes that the government will soon lift its restrictions. The cronies tell him they don't want to get into any kind of deal making with him 'cause of what happened to Willie Joe and Jeb, then call him out on the lack of clout he has now that Ben Maxwell is fully supportive of Cliff in his position at the Office of Land Management. One crony suggests that if JR can "handle" Ben they'd maybe be willing to do business with Ewing Oil again...but then says it's prolly not likely to come about 'cause Ben represents ultimate power in Dallas and is a straight-as-an-arrow type guy. (Except: not)

As Bobby and Ray pore over a map of Southfork, Ray mentions that he found tire tracks near some damaged fencing. Bobby suggests they go out and hit a bunch of hillbilly bars tonight to see if they can uncover any intel about the rustlers...and when Ray insists that he can handle that action himself, Bobby says he wants to go 'cause he could use a distraction from his troubled marriage. 

At Southfork that evening, Jock asks JR how the oil refinery deal is shaping up, and JR sheepishly reports that the cronies are being stubbornly shortsighted in their refusal to enter into any kind of business with Ewing Oil. Jock gruffly reminds him that now that Willie Joe and Jeb are serving time for murdering Tina Louise, the company is going to need an infusion of trusted cartel members - and JR stares shamefully at the floor and promises his crusty daddy that he'll get right on that. Jock tells him to enlist Bobby if he needs help...and JR bitchily remarks that Bobby's mind isn't on business these days 'cause of his separation from Pam. Miss Ellie interjects and she's hopeful that their separation is just temporary, then predicts that Pam will soon return home. Her pronouncement results in a long, awkward silence among the Ewing men. 

JR is back at the racquetball club, but this time he's playing an energetic game with Ben Maxwell, who looks like a skinny milquetoast in his shorts and t-shirt but somehow represents ultimate power in Dallas. When they finish their game, JR tries to talk shit about Cliff - but Ben just chuckles about how he never gets tired of invoking the show's tedious Ewing-Barnes feud. Fuuuuucking right.

Pam is running another photo shoot, this time with the models wearing swimsuits. She invites Veronica Hamel to join her for lunch at the racquetball club, then admits that her ulterior motive is the possibility of running into Bobby 'cause she knows how much he likes to play racquetball.

During lunch, Pam admits to Veronica Hamel that she really misses Bobby and hates living alone...so Veronica Hamel suggests she move into her apartment so they can share expenses. Pam bristles at how permanent that arrangement sounds - but then sighs and says she simply can't bear the thought of living under the same roof as Bobby's "serpent of a brother". Veronica Hamel tells her she can stay as long as it takes to figure out her living situation, and Pam agrees to come by her place later and have a look.

JR and Ben stop by the bar in the racquetball club restaurant so that JR can continue bitching about how Cliff is using his position at the Office of Land Management to destroy Ewing Oil. Ben just kind of shrugs and says he's A-OK with Cliff's work performance...as is anyone else who matters. He then notices Pam lunching across the room and asks JR if that's his sister-in-law - just as Pam and Veronica Hamel gather up their stuff to head out. As they walk past the bar, JR says hello and asks to be introduced to her pretty friend. After the introductions are made and some small talk is exchanged, Pam and Veronica Hamel exit the restaurant...and once they're out of earshot, JR asks Ben if he finds Pam's friend hot. Ben chuckles and pretends he barely noticed her 'cause of how happily married he is.  

JR drops by Veronica Hamel's apartment so the two can get reacquainted, since apparently he knew her during her call girl days. He holds up a framed photo of her daughter, who's currently living with Mama Hamel, and offers her a proposition that entails exploiting her "special talents". Veronica Hamel shoots him the stink-eye, declines the sleazy offer, and says she's dedicated to making a new life for herself as a catalogue model. JR refuses to take no for an answer, hands her some cash, and says he has a friend whose boner is in desperate need of her services. Veronica Hamel responds by angrily ripping the bills in half and letting the pieces flutter to the floor, then barking, "No deal!" She calls him a prize pimp, a nickname JR takes as a compliment before snidely adding, "Seeing as how it comes from an expert." He then exits the building and sneaks back to his car just as Pam pulls up...and remains parked there, creepily staring at her as she obliviously makes her way toward the building.   

Pam calls Bobby to inform him that she's moving out of her hotel room to share an apartment with her new gal pal, Veronica Hamel. Bobby contorts his normally blank face into an expression of concern and says that that living arrangement sounds kinda permanent. Pam reminds him how torturous it is for her to live under the same roof as his shitty family...but since she really hates living alone, she decided 'why not live in Veronica Hamel's spare bedroom?' Bobby glumly wishes her luck and ends the call just as Miss Ellie and JR enter the study. Bobby announces that Pam is moving in with her girlfriend Veronica Hamel...and JR perks up and grins devilishly. 

JR calls up his buddy from the Vice Squad, a douchewad named Matt Henderson, and says he has a small task he needs him to perform. He gives Matt a quick run-down on Veronica Hamel and says that the uppity hussy needs reminding of who she is and who her friends are. He orders Matt to give her the "B treatment" (it remains unclear if that's better or worse than the "A treatment"), and gives him the address of her building. 

Veronica Hamel pulls up to her apartment building - but before she can go inside, she's accused by Matt Henderson of solicitation. When she points out that she didn't actually do anything, he tauntingly says that no one will believe her. She raises her hand to slap him across the face, but he stops her by grabbing her by the wrist and steering her toward his car.

JR finds Sue Ellen boozing it up in their bedroom. He snatches the bottle away from her and pours the alcohol into the nearest houseplant, then admonishes her for not showing up at the dinner table this evening...which seems secondary to the fact that SHE'S BOOZING IT UP WHILE PREGNANT. Sue Ellen smirkingly says she wasn't feeling well, and JR bitchily retorts that she'll feel a lot worse if she pulls a no-show at dinner tomorrow. It's interesting how important these wretched family dinners are to JR...but I'll have to assume it's related to his weird daddy issues. Sue Ellen lets out a caustic guffaw and asks him if he's going to start beating his pregnant wife, and JR shoves her toward the nearest mirror and snarls about how pathetic the former Miss Texas now looks, then barks, "A lush! A tramp!" Sue Ellen wryly adds, "And chances are, the mother of your child." JR warns her to take better care of the baby on account of it being the only thing standing between her and the gutter. A few seconds later, he gets a phone call and tells whoever it is that he'll be there in an hour.

Bobby and Ray are milling around a hillbilly bar filled with grizzled men wearing plaid shirts and cowboy hats...and after having hit several bars earlier in the evening, Bobby tells Ray he's ready to call it a night. A fight suddenly breaks out when a hostile looking group of yokels surround a young man who's been asking about rustlers...and Bobby and Ray immediately jump into the fray. Everyone starts punching everyone, tables get flipped over, and Ray throws a chair at someone before he and Bobby flee the bar. They encounter the young man who was being bullied - Kit Mainwaring - and he thanks them for the help and explains that his family's ranch was recently targeted by cattle rustlers. Bobby perks up and asks him if he uncovered any intel, but Kit says he wasn't able to learn anything useful before the shit hit the fan. Bobby invites him to stop by Southfork in the morning so they can put their heads together and figure out who the cattle thieves could possibly be. Looks like a boring-as-fuck mystery is in the works.

Matt Henderson drives Veronica Hamel home without arresting her, then tells her she's lucky to have such powerful friends. She flees to her apartment only to find JR sitting on her couch - and he smugly tells her he enlisted Matt Henderson to intimidate her into doing his sleazy bidding. Veronica Hamel gives in and says she's open to his deal, so JR hands her a membership card for the racquetball club and says he's going to orchestrate a "chance encounter" between her and Ben Maxwell, and that her assignment is to get him to believe that she's in love with him (and/or vice versa). Once that's been accomplished over drinks, she's to invite him to her apartment and make it look as though the two of them and Pam are enjoying a three-way. LOL - that plan sounds just crazy enough to work! Veronica Hamel gets antsy about setting up Pam, so JR turns all menacing and says he's not playing games. He reminds her that they pulled off a similar scam in Houston, then hands her a post office key so she can collect her hefty payment once she's completed her assignment. 

At breakfast the next morning, Bobby comes to the table with his bruised, beat up face. He tells the family about the skirmish he and Ray got into last night while hunting rustlers - and Jock turns wistful and says he wishes he'd come along, cracking skulls along with them...and he says this as if he wouldn't have keeled over after the first blow. Kit Mainwaring arrives at the ranch and is introduced to everyone...including Lucy, who immediately looks smitten as she gives him an appreciative once-over. When Bobby heads off with Kit to go see the sheriff, JR grunts approvingly and says that forming a Ewing-Wainwaring alliance would be a smart move for the family. Lucy concurs and gigglingly suggests they invite Kit to their next barbecue 'cause of how super gorgeous he is. 

Veronica Hamel launches Operation Seduce Ben Maxwell and Fake a Three-way and pretends to bump into Ben at the racquetball club bar. Ben invites her to join him for a drink...and we see that JR is keeping tabs on the operation by creepily spying on them through the blinds of a nearby window. LOL.

Veronica Hamel calls Pam at work and tells her she'll be home late tonight due to an unexpected booty call, but that she can get a key to the apartment from the building manager.

JR recruits a photographer to take compromising photos of the impending faux three-way. The photographer is reluctant to get involved in JR's schemes, but then decides he could really use the cash.

Pam and her suitcase arrive at Veronica Hamel's apartment and she glances around the tiny hovel and appears happy to be there.

Many drinks later, Veronica Hamel and Ben Maxwell arrive at her building. She purrs at him about not wanting the evening to end and invites him in for a nightcap...and Ben's like, "Sounds good to me!" and the two stroll towards her building, arm in arm. I guess he's not so happily married after all.

Veronica Hamel urges Ben to relax as she pours them a drink, then excuses herself to change into something slinky. While doing that, she signals the photographer who's lurking outside near the window to let him know that the operation's a go, then returns to the living room. She briefly canoodles with Ben, unbuttons his shirt, and steers him toward Pam's bedroom. Ben drunkenly stumbles and lands atop Pam - and she wakes up and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" just as the photographer starts snapping away. Ben glares at Veronica Hamel and angrily snaps, "What are you trying to pull?!" then quickly buttons up his shirt and flees the apartment while Pam struggles to recombobulate herself.

Jock arrives at breakfast with the day's paper, and on the cover is the faux three-way photo of Pam, Ben Maxwell, and Veronica Hamel. Miss Ellie frowns at the offending pic and says she doesn't believe that it was a viable three-way...not least 'cause of the shocked and puzzled expressions on Pam's and Ben's faces that make it clear how surprised they are to suddenly be in each other's presence. Lucy and Sue Ellen, on the other hand, decide it's authentic. Jock says that this scandal is sure to ruin Ben Maxwell, and JR concurs and says that his board of directors will, no doubt, ask him to resign. When Miss Ellie wrings her hands about how wrecked Bobby is going to be, Sue Ellen haughtily retorts that Pam had a lovely home at Southfork, but chose to leave it so she could play raunchy sex games. Like she's really one to be sanctimonious about extramarital sex when she's trying to pass off Cliff's love child as a Ewing. When Bobby arrives at the breakfast table and gets a look at the paper, he immediately blames JR and calls the stunt his style. He gets in a good face punch before Jock gets between them and threatens to beat the hell out of both of them. He growls at JR that he'd better be innocent of Bobby's accusation, but JR just shrugs and says, "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

Veronica Hamel calls her mom to tell her she's coming to pick up her daughter now that she has the cash to "bring her up as a proper lady". Er...OK. Pam emerges from her bedroom, sees the packed bags, and asks whassup. Veronica Hamel looks tortured and moans about how she doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore, and that she wouldn't have done it if there had been a better way out of her poverty. She then points at the newspaper sitting on the counter and beats a hasty retreat. 

JR hands out cigars to his old white cronies in celebration of disgraced Ben Maxwell's sudden departure. The cronies are unsure if this means that Cliff will still remain in his position at the Office of Land Management, so they give JR his cigars back and tell him to give them a call if Cliff resigns. Haha!

Bobby arrives at the apartment building just as Pam is packing up her car. He tells her it's time to end their estranged marriage subplot and orders her to return to Southfork asap. Pam wails that she has to leave Dallas 'cause she can't live with the scandal of the faux three-way, and Bobby just snorts derisively and says that anyone with a brain knows it was a total set up. The two correctly assume that it must have been orchestrated by JR, and Pam says, "Well that finishes it." Bobby argues that it's only over if she stops fighting, and that he can't stand the thought of JR winning. Pam throws in the towel on avoiding a life of misery living under the same roof as her in-laws 'CAUSE CLEARLY BOBBY IS NEVER GOING TO GET A CLUE AND CONCLUDE THAT THIS WHOLE SITUATION COULD EASILY BE SOLVED BY GETTING A HOME OF THEIR OWN and coos, "I love you", to which Bobby replies, "Then let's go home" before giving her a big smooch.

Bobby and Pam return to Southfork, and Pam seems oddly thrilled to be back on the ranch. Lucy squeals happily and gives Pam a happy hug, and she's greeted in a lukewarm fashion by Miss Ellie and Jock. Sue Ellen emerges from the house and shames Pam for having the nerve to show her face at Southfork after disgracing the family with her raunchy sex games. Miss Ellie chides her, but then smiles serenely as she expresses how happy she is that the family is back together again (save for Gary, of course)...and Jock suggests they celebrate Pam's return home with a drink.

A few seconds later, JR arrives home and looks thrilled with the scheme he still assumes he pulled off...but when Pam emerges from the house and says hey, he's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" She shoots him a smug grin, and then Bobby explains that when he and Pam saw the faux three-way photo on the cover of the newspaper, it made them realize how much they loved and needed each other. The rest of the Ewings chuckle as JR stares helplessly into space.

Womp womp!

Recap: The Ewings are gathered in the Southfork study/library for some after-dinner familial bonding. JR and Kristin (Sue Ellen's sister, who was invited by JR to stay at the ranch) are playing a spirited game of backgammon. When they finish the game, JR nudges Kristin in Bobby's direction and suggests that they play together next...and Sue Ellen shoots JR a suspicious stink-eye at his less-than-subtle attempt to stir up some adulterous hanky-panky action between his doltish brother and her vapid sister.

Later, JR tells Sue Ellen he's happy to have Kristin around 'cause it livens things up at Southfork. Sue Ellen admonishes him for egging Kristin on to seduce Bobby - but JR just chuckles and says it's not his fault if "nature takes its course" and the two end up hitting the sheets.   

The next morning, Sue Ellen and Kristin are lounging by the pool. When Kristin gushes about how much she loooooves hanging at this fancy ranch, Sue Ellen lectures her about how money isn't the most important thing in life - a lesson she learned when she sold her soul by marrying a rich oil man who now can't stand the sight of her...not least 'cause she cuckolded him by doinking Cliff Barnes a few weeks before announcing she was preggers. Kristin shrugs and admits to being a shameless gold digger, and that her goal in life is to marry into wealth and live a life of pampered leisure. She then grumbles about their childhood and the way she was always being unfavorably compared to her big sister, and haughtily says she's no longer willing to play second fiddle to her. As Sue Ellen chews on that hostile nugget, Lucy pokes her head outside and tells her she has a call from her doctor - but when Sue Ellen picks up the phone, she learns it's really Cliff calling for some top secret intel. He asks her how important the Kessel oil lease is to JR, so she tells him she's heard Jock grunt about its importance from time to time...which, by default, means it's also important to JR. During that conversation, Lucy heads over to the pool and eyes Kristin suspiciously as she wonders aloud what in blazes JR was thinking when he invited her to stay at the ranch indefinitely. Kristin chirps, "He was just being nice" and Lucy rolls her eyes, guffaws, and retorts, "JR is never nice."

Downtown, Bobby meets up with Pam, who got herself a layered haircut with cute feathered bangs. He urges her once again to pleeeeeeease come home, and Pam makes a blech face and says she can't stand the idea of living on an oppressive ranch inhabited by two male Ewings who insist on perpetuating the tedious Ewing-Barnes feud. Bobby chides her for not wanting to live under the same roof as his family - 'cause, yeah, what newlywed wife wouldn't want to live in such close proximity to her shitty in-laws - and Pam gets teary and whimpers, "I don't know what to doooooo." Bobby stares at her with his default blank expression for several seconds, then gives her a kiss and invites her to lunch.

Cliff heads over to the Kessel ranch and begs the owner, Wally Kessel, to deny (or at least delay) leasing his land to the Ewings. Wally says he's desperate for the cash, so Cliff tells him that Digger will cut him a check in exchange for future royalties of whatever oil gets extracted. Wally mulls that over, then says if Digger (meaning Cliff) can come up with the cash, then yep, they have a deal.

That evening, Jock asks JR if he secured the Kessel lease yet, and JR tells him the deal is imminent 'cause he knows how broke Kessel is and that his next mortgage payment is due soon. Jock grumbles that if they don't start to drill soon, it's going to cost them money...since apparently Kessel is the last holdout on a vast plot of prime oil drilling land. JR complains that Wally is asking for more money in royalties and suspects that Cliff Barnes is somehow behind it. Bobby admonishes him for automatically assuming that Cliff is to blame...and when JR bitchily snaps that the less they have to do with the Barnes family the better, Bobby smugly retorts, "I'm married to a Barnes and plan to stay that way." 

Cliff asks Pam if she could please shell out $10,000 for an oil revenues investment for Digger...then reminds her that, last he checked, the hopeless wino was drunkenly staggering around in or near the vicinity of California. Pam agrees to check with Bobby and ask him if it's OK for her to withdraw that kind of money from their joint bank account for an investment, and Cliff assures her that once the oil drilling starts, she'll get her money back.

Bobby tells Pam she's more than welcome to lend his cash to drunken Digger, then wrings his hands again about how bummed he is about their ongoing separation. You could easily solve that problem by not trying to force your wife to live at stupid Southfork with your family - and instead buy a nice cozy house for the two of you and visit Southfork on weekends or major holidays. Dolt. 

That evening, Kristin dons a pretty white dress and wanders around Ewing manor, looking hilariously awestruck by the tacky '70s wallpaper and outmoded drapery. Lucy silently watches her from across the room, then cattily remarks that she looks exactly like Sue Ellen did the first time she stepped foot inside the Southfork "mansion". Kristin grins and decides to take that as a compliment.

The next morning, Kristin leaps into the pool while Bobby is swimming laps...and the two flirtily splash around together. When JR and Sue Ellen happen to wander by at that moment, JR remarks that it's nice to hear the sound of Bobby's laughter again. Sue Ellen rolls her eyes and warns him to not use her idiot sister as a pawn in his nefarious schemes - and JR says she's imagining things, then dickishly adds, "I hope you haven't been drinking again." After Sue Ellen ambles off, JR sidles up to Kristin and suggests she hitch a ride with Bobby into Dallas and then bum around downtown for the day...and she perks up at that prospect. Miss Ellie and Jock emerge from the house a few seconds later, and Kristin wraps herself up in a towel and gushes about how much she loooooves Southfork and never wants to leave!

Sue Ellen tells Kristin she can't hang with her today 'cause she'll be attending a charity meeting with Miss Ellie, and Kristin manages to keep a straight face and assures her it's not a problem. Sue Ellen comes right out and asks her if she's interested in Bobby, then warns her that the blockhead is off the market 'cause he's still in love with Pam. Kristin snorts derisively and accuses Sue Ellen of worrying too much about being overshadowed by her.

Kristin catches Bobby as he's just about to leave and asks him if he wouldn't mind giving her a lift downtown. He's like, "Sure, get in" ... and Sue Ellen stares at them through her bedroom window, her face scrunched concernedly. 

During the drive, Kristin pretends to have an interest in museums and architecture, then pretends she's not the sort of girl who would jump into a marriage with just anyone. When they arrive downtown, Bobby drops her off and tells her to stop by the Ewing Oil office building by 5pm to get a ride back to Southfork. 

Cliff gives Wally Kessel a cashier's check for $10,000, then gleefully tells him he got the money from Pam specifically so he could screw the Ewings with their own money. Wally just kind of shrugs indifferently at Cliff's revenge-induced bitchitude and says he's just happy to have the cash.  

JR gets a call from one of his banker flunkies, who reports that Pam just withdrew money from hers and Bobby's account in order to invest in the Kessel lease on behalf of Digger. JR mutters obscenities under his breath as he charges over to Bobby's office, angrily breaks the news about Pam's involvement in this giant yawn of a subplot, and says that Kessel is now demanding 25% in royalties (up from his usual 15%). Bobby points out that 15% is pretty low and insists that Pam couldn't possibly have known that the money she loaned to Digger had anything to do with a business deal involving Ewings...but promises to look into the boring matter, pronto.

Bobby storms over to the Office of Land Management to confront Cliff about the 10K loan - and is miffed when he finds the office empty.

Kristin arrives at the Ewing Oil offices at 5pm to catch a ride back to Southfork with Bobby - but JR tells her he's not around and that he'd be more than happy to give her a lift. He tells her she's had a positive effect on his brother and that he's been a lot more cheerful lately...then solemnly adds, "Bobby's marriage is over, he just hasn't wanted to admit it." Kristin perks up at that premature pronouncement and looks intrigued.   

​Bobby tells Pam there's a problem with the 10K she loaned to Digger, then explains that it was used to delay the Ewings' attempts to score the Kessel lease. Pam's all, "Wha-a-a?" and says she had no idea the Ewings were involved in the loan, and that she highly doubts Cliff was aware of it either. Bobby loses his patience and says it's highly doubtful that Cliff wouldn't have known all about it, then snarks at her to grow up and realize no one (aka the Ewings she hates so much) is perfect. As he storms off, a tearful Pam stares after him.

Back at Southfork, Bobby tells JR and Jock and he's pretty sure that Cliff was involved with the Kessel debacle - but makes it clear that Pam was completely oblivious to it when she loaned Digger the money. JR says he's plenty steamed about Cliff using Ewing money to sabotage one of their projects, and Jock concurs and grumbles that Pam should have stayed out of the matter. He says he really really wants the Kessel lease and demands to know what JR is going to do to fix this boring-as-fuck predicament - and Bobby steps up and offers to sort it out by trying to reason with Wally and Cliff. Jock snaps, "Do whatever it takes!" and Bobby clicks his heels and obediently replies, "Yes sir!" which made me cringe, 'cause - yeesh - these grown Ewing sons really have odd daddy issues.

Pam calls Bobby to tell him she's been unable to track Cliff down. She invites him to lunch with her tomorrow, but he sourly declines 'cause of how she's always pro-Cliff and anti-Ewing, wah wah..

Bobby finds Cliff in his office and implores him to convince Wally Kessel to settle and lease his land to the Ewings. Cliff pretends to know nothing about the matter, then snarks - appropros of nothing - about how he never wanted Pam to marry him. Bobby sighs and says he thought they were past all this, and Cliff says that while he likes him personally, he's obliged to hate him for no reason other than he's a Ewing...then rails about how the Ewings are responsible for ruining his political career and getting him arrested for Tina Louise's murder. Bobby contorts his normally blank face into a menacing expression and warns Cliff that if he doesn't leave his marriage alone, he'll join forces with JR to fuck up his life a whole lot worse than it's been fucked up already.

After witnessing a seemingly flirty interaction between Kristin and Bobby, Lucy advises Kristin to not waste her time on Bobby 'cause it's unlikely he'll follow through and fool around on his wife, despite their estrangement. She adds that JR, on the other hand, has no compunction about cheating on his wife and is always up for some sleazy bedroom action. Kristin stares quizzically into space and pretends to have no earthly idea what Lucy could possibly be referring to.

Kristin drops by Bobby's room as he's changing his shirt and invites him to play a game of tennis - but he politely declines and tells her he's on his way to a business meeting with Wally Kessel. When she looks visibly disappointed, he relents and says he can play after his meeting, so she perks up and rushes off to gather up her tennis gear and meet him at his car. When Lucy sees the two drive off together in Bobby's convertible, she shakes her head in dismay.  

Bobby does his best to convince Wally to accept 21% in royalties for his oil lease, then leaves the old man his card and urges him to think really hard about it. As he and Kristin head back to his car, he remarks that he's very optimistic that Wally will come around, then says he's definitely up for a game of tennis.   

At Southfork that evening, JR flirtily asks Kristin if she's made any significant progress on Operation Seduce Bobby...and Bobby happens to walk into the room at that very moment and looks startled at their touchy-feeliness. After an embarrassed Kristin rushes off to telephone her mother, Bobby admonishes JR for doing something as icky as make a move on his wife's sister. JR turns the tables on Bobby by suggesting that it's actually he who thinks Kristin is hot - but then stares contemplatively into space and dreamily refers to the minx as "a very special girl". LOL.

Wally Kessel drops by the Ewing Oil offices to lease his land in exchange for 21% in royalties. Bobby gushes about what a wealthy man he now is - but Wally ignores him and shoots JR the stink-eye and chides him for trying to railroad him with a shitty royalties deal.

Pam storms over to Cliff's office and gives him the what-for for extracting the $10,000 from her under false pretenses. She cries, "I feel like a fool!" - but an obstinate Cliff tells her she's going to have to choose a side: Ewing or Barnes. Pam says that as shitty as the Ewings are, his "side" isn't looking very attractive either.

Bobby calls Pam, who tells him she confronted Cliff about lying to her, and that she's very sorry she gave him the benefit of the doubt. She then says they both need a good night's sleep so they can continue to drag out their marital separation quagmire into as many future episodes as possible.

JR tip-toes into Kristin's bedroom to creepily watch her sleep, then wakes her up by announcing, "Bobby's home."

Bobby is in the study, brooding and drinking whiskey when Kristin enters the room in her white negligee and pretends she came in to look for something to read. She asks him whassup with his glum aura, then presses herself against him and leans in for a smooch. He pushes her away and says he can only offer her friendship, and she's like, "Ah well, it was worth a try." She runs into Lucy on her way back to bed, and Lucy shoots her a smug smile and says, "I told you so" then snarks that there's no room at this ranch for a home-wrecking gold digger. She advises Kristin to go elsewhere in her search for a hapless rich man, 'cause at Southfork she's nothing but a loser.

Sue Ellen tells Kristin she should prolly leave Dallas and join their mother in Santa Fe until such time as her character can be recast with the far spicier Mary Crosby.

Pam and Bobby stroll down the street together. He gives her a smooch and coos, "I love you and I want you" and Pam says she really really wants them to start over - but not at shitty Southfork. Bobby nonsensically pronounces that they (Cliff and JR) will have won if the two of them go off somewhere to live a peaceful non-Southfork life. He then says he can't wait forever for her to make up her mind and urges her to shit or get off the pot. And soon.