Dallas - Season 2, Episode 5

"Mmm...that marital rape was pretty hot."

"Black Market Baby"
Original airdate: 10/15/1978

Episode summary: Sue Ellen's attempt to purchase a baby from a pregnant teenager fails when JR pulls the plug on the illegal operation. Pam tells Bobby she wants to get a job - but he makes it clear that the Ewing men don't like their womenfolk to work.

---

Recap: The Ewings are gathered around the sitting room at Southfork, celebrating Jock's and Miss Ellie's wedding anniversary. Sue Ellen gives them a gift on behalf of herself and JR: a fugly antique sculpture for the den. Jock stares at it perplexedly and grunts something unintelligible, while Miss Ellie thanks Sue Ellen and pretends it will make a lovely addition to the decor. Bobby hands his parents his and Pam's gift: an album filled with photos of the Ewing children at various stages of childhood. This prompts Grumbly Jock to grumble about how there aren't any babies in the house anymore...and Sue Ellen hastily assures him that she and JR are trying to reproduce and that she expects to conceive any day now. Jock dickishly growls, "You've been trying for seven years - I'm about to give up on you." Bobby chimes in and smarmily announces that Pam went to the doctor's today and was told she can try to have another baby any time too...and Jock and Miss Ellie happily coo as a horrified Pam cries, "Not too soon!" Miss Ellie glosses over the awkwardness of that outburst and toasts Jock, and then Jock toasts the future Ewings...and Sue Ellen and JR stare poutishly at Bobby and Pam.

Bedroom. Bobby asks Pam whassup with her not wanting a baby right away, so she tells him they're still young, newly married, and have plenty of time to reproduce. She says the timing has to be right for them, and refuses to rush into anything just 'cause his family is pressuring them. Bobby tells her they can always move away from Southfork and get their own house [which sounds completely awesome to me], but she reminds him how much he loves living on the ranch, and for some reason would rather not separate him from his nosy, overbearing family. She then announces that Liz Craig offered her a job in her store, so right now she's excited to explore a career [as a retail cashier??]...mostly 'cause she doesn't want to end up like Sue Ellen, who - she jokes - would probably "disappear like a puff of smoke if JR didn't exist". She asks Bobby to make an effort to understand her need to not be wholly dependent on a man for everything, and he promises to try - but since it's the '70s, he highly doubts he can fully get on board with such an outlandish notion.

"I want to have my own identity and not be dependent on my husband for absolutely everything."

"Sorry, that doesn't compute with me."

Sue Ellen is in her negligee, sipping alcohol and perfuming herself while sexy '70s music plays in the background. She sashays over to the den, where JR is doing some reading, and huskily tells him to come to bed. He grunts disinterestedly, so she asks him if it doesn't bother him that Pam and Bobby will probably have a whole flock of children before they get around to having just one. JR shrugs and says it didn't seem like Pam was all that eager to start squeezing out babies, then gets up and pours himself another drink. Sue Ellen trails after him and whines about how Jock blames her for their barrenness even though there's nothing physically wrong with her...then suggests he get his (possibly) defective sperm checked out by a doctor. JR looks aghast and snarks, "I'm not taking any tests" and assures her he has no, er, problems down there...and Sue Ellen strips off her robe, thrusts her bosom in his direction, and says, "Then prove it." An appalled JR prudishly says, "I've told you how I feel about this type of conversation", and Sue Ellen sourly says that perhaps the man she married isn't the man he claims to be. JR glares at her and bitchily snaps, "There's nothing uglier than a woman who can't handle her liquor" and storms out of the house...and Sue Ellen chases after him screeching, "You can't keep running out on me!"

As JR flees to his car, she wails about how she wants to have a baby while she's young, and that she needs something to hold onto 'cause this soul destroying train wreck of a marriage just isn't cutting it anymore. JR mockingly replies, "I'll buy you a puppy" and squeals out of the driveway...and Sue Ellen bellows, "This is the last time you do this to  me!" just as Ray Krebbs pulls up in his truck. He walks over and asks Sue Ellen if everything is OK, then urges her to go inside before she catches a cold. Sue Ellen gives Ray a once-over and seductively purrs, "Not if I get something to warm me." OMFG, gross. As she drunkenly fondles his chest, he asks if there's anything he can do for her...and she murmurs, "I think so" and leans in for a long, blechy smooch.

"Why don't you get out of those clothes and prove to me what a virile man you really are."

"Eww! Gross! You know how much I hate sex talk!"

The next morning, Ray spots Sue Ellen sunning herself by the pool. He ambles over, flashes her a big smile, and goes, "Hey - Sue Ellen! How's it going?" She glares at him as though he's something she just scraped off the bottom of her shoe and haughtily retorts, "It's Mrs. Ewing, Ray" and Ray puts his hurt face on and says, "Mrs. Ewing..? What about last night?" [Oh, Ray. You really think a drunken dalliance with the boss's daughter-in-law is actually going to lead somewhere??] Sue Ellen says she has no idea what he's talking about, then gets up and struts over toward the house. She runs into Miss Ellie, who thanks her again for the fugly sculpture, then tells her that she and Jock had "issues" when they were first married...but once JR was born, their relationship felt more permanent and things began to fall into place. Sue Ellen says she really really wants to have a child - but since JR refuses to ever doink her, it's not likely to happen. Miss Ellie mulls that over and - instead of addressing the weirdness of her son not wanting to ever bone his own wife - suggests that perhaps adoption is a good way to go. Sue Ellen says she doubts that Jock or JR would be in favor of that (no duh), but Miss Ellie just shrugs and says if a child could help repair her shitty marriage with JR, then she needs to do whatever it takes...'cause, yeah, it's totally reasonable to put that kind of responsibility and pressure on an innocent, hapless child. She's kind of a fuckwit, that Miss Ellie.

"The proper way to address me is Her Royal Highness von Southfork."

"You didn't seem to mind me calling you Sue Ellen when I was licking tequila out of your navel last night."

Sue Ellen meets with someone named Barbara at the Woodfield Adoption Service...and as Barbara begins processing her file, she remarks that since she's married to a Ewing, it'll likely speed up the process 'cause surely lots of little kids would loooove to live at Southfork. [LOL - I'm not sure they actually would.] Sue Ellen makes a blech face and says, "I'd like a newborn, please" and Barbara tells her that most people interested in adoption want newborns. She explains that with abortion being legal and the pill being freely available to women, there's a shortage of unwanted infants...meaning the wait list could be as long as three years. Sue Ellen looks dismayed, says she has no interest in an older child, and beats a hasty retreat. Barbara looks contemplative for a few seconds, then gets on the phone with a lawyer named Buzz Connors. She tells him she just had a meeting with someone he might be able to "help"...and Buzz perks up when he hears the name Ewing, and eagerly says, "I can always lend a hand to a Ewing."

Pam informs Bobby that she's going into town to meet up with Liz Craig to discuss her foray into retail cashiering, and Bobby's all, "Wuh? I thought we settled that last night." He reiterates that there's no need for her to work, and Pam says that while that might suit him best, it isn't the way she wants to live her life. Bobby tries to assert his non-existent authority over her and snarks, "I don't want you to doooo this!" and Pam tells him he's starting to act like his douchebag sexist father, then squeals off in his red Mercedes. Haha!

Cliff is chatting with Buzz Connors, who I guess he's friends with, while they stroll downtown. Buzz spots Sue Ellen waiting for him across the street and waves to her...and after they walk over, he introduces her to Cliff. Sue Ellen grins and says, "I've heard a lot about you" and says he's far more attractive than his reputation...and Cliff tells her she's far too pretty to be a Ewing, then leaves her and Buzz to conduct their bidness.

Buzz tells Sue Ellen he's drawn up the necessary papers for the purchase of a newborn baby. Sue Ellen scrunches her face in confusion and says she thought baby buying was illegal...so Buzz explains that he has a profitable side business going that entails targeting young pregnant girls and offering to pay them lots of cash in exchange for their spawn. He adds that while there's no red tape, the adoptive parents have to pay $15,000 to cover the various expenses, plus his cut. He tells Sue Ellen he's currently in communication with a seventeen year old girl who's several months pregnant and living in poverty. Sue Ellen perks up and says she'd like to meet her.

Sue Ellen arrives at a run-down building on the other side of the tracks and meets her potential surrogate: a surly young snot named Rita Briggs. Rita taunts Sue Ellen about not being able to conceive her own child, then bitches at her for being rich enough to buy herself a baby - but Sue Ellen ignores her bitchitude and offers to set her up in a much nicer apartment, where she'll ply her with groceries and baby supplies. Rita takes her up on that and haughtily demands the best if she expects to get her baby, and Sue Ellen promises to make all the arrangements.

Bobby takes a break from his ranch work to chit-chat with his parents on the patio. They ask him whassup with him and Pam lately, and he says that Pam has been talking about getting a job in town. Jock scowls and grumbles, "A job? What does she need a job for? Ewing women don't work!" Bobby breaks it to Grumpy Pants that Pam doesn't exactly consider herself to be "a Ewing woman" and that she really likes the idea of working and earning her own money. Jock makes a sneering noise and says she'd be a lot better off if she stayed home and pumped out a few kids - but Bobby says the timing isn't right for them...and while he doesn't much like the idea of her working, he's starting to grasp that she wants to live her life as an independent woman. When Bobby ambles back toward the stables, Jock growls to Miss Ellie that he'll never understand kids today.

"Pam wants to get a job."

"How quickly did she fall in line after you told her that manly men such as ourselves don't allow our womenfolk to work?"

Sue Ellen arrives at the lovely new furnished townhouse she rented for Rita with a big box of groceries. Rita tells her she's pleased with her new pad, and then the two bond over being former beauty pageant contestants, blah blah..

Pam meets up with Liz Craig and gabbles to her about how Bobby is opposed to her working...but that she's sure he'll eventually come around.

Sue Ellen is shopping for baby things with Rita when she runs into Pam. She pretends she's buying a shower gift for a friend - but then Rita puts the kibosh in her cover story when she chooses that moment to come over and ask Sue Ellen what color the nursery is going to be. Sue Ellen introduces her to Pam, then discreetly tells her to pick out green things. After Rita scuttles off, Sue Ellen tells Pam she's involved with "a charity thing" that apparently involves taking teenage mothers-to-be shopping for baby clothes...and a skeptical looking Pam goes, "Whatever, Sue Ellen" and heads off. 

Lucy is lounging by the pool in a skimpy red bikini when she spots Ray and invites him over for a swim. He declines and says he has too much work to do...which was probably a wise answer, 'cause JR suddenly appears out of nowhere and tells Ray to skedaddle, and then orders Lucy to cover up whenever she fraternizes with the help. Lucy remarks that Sue Ellen has been acting weirder than usual, then blabs about how she's been getting a lot of calls from a man named Buzz Connors, and that she just rented a swanky apartment. JR frowns as he mulls over the disturbing gossip.

Rita asks Sue Ellen why she lied to Pam about their arrangement, so Sue Ellen admits that her husband doesn't yet know about her black market baby escapades. Rita's all, "Wha-a?!", so Sue Ellen says the longer she can keep it from her husband, the more forced upon him the adopted baby will become...and what could go wrong with that?

JR calls his investigator and asks him to look into Buzz Connors, and also find out where Sue Ellen's new apartment is located. He says he's eager to figure out what she's up to, like asap.

Rita phones Southfork and thinks she's talking to Sue Ellen when she tells Pam that Buzz wants to know which hospital the baby will be born in. Pam's all, "Wha-a?!" and says she has the wrong Mrs. Ewing...then puts two and two together. She drops by Sue Ellen's room to tell her about the phone call she just got, and that she knows what she's up to. Sue Ellen bitterly tells Pam she can have a baby anytime she wants...and that the waiting time for the legal adoption of an infant is three years. She insists on continuing to go the black market baby route, then orders Pam to keep her mouth shut and get the hell out of her room.

Sue Ellen arrives at Rita's townhouse with more baby supplies...and is quickly perplexed when there's no sign of the pregnant teen. As she searches the second floor of the apartment, JR stealthily enters through the front door and looks disdainfully at the bags of baby supplies his wife just brought over. When Sue Ellen spots him from the upstairs landing, she snaps, "What have you done with her?" so he informs her that Rita is on a bus to California. A furious Sue Ellen descends the stairs, glares at him hatefully, and storms out.

When Sue Ellen returns to Southfork, she rails at Pam for blabbing to JR about her illegal baby plans. Pam swears she didn't breathe a word of it to anyone, but Sue Ellen doesn't buy that, calls her a cheap hussy, and snarls, "You can have it all: Ewing Oil, and this whole damn ranch. 'Cause I have had it!" [That might have had more impact if she actually owned those things and therefore had the ability to give them away.] She then storms inside the house...and a few minutes later, JR arrives home and (spoiler!) the shit's about to hit the fan.

Upstairs, Sue Ellen is angrily packing her bags. JR enters the room and asks her whassup, so she snaps, "I'm getting out!" He tells her she's not going anywhere, then explains that he had to put an end to "that baby business" 'cause it would have been too embarrassing. She says she thought a baby would make things better between them, and JR tells her he definitely wants a baby one day - but theirs, not someone else's. She reminds him that he hasn't penetrated her in months, and that everyone in the family makes her feel like it's her fault she hasn't conceived...so then JR, who has underestimated her anger level, mockingly says, "Oh come on, Miss Texas", and she reacts by giving him a hard, loud smack across the face. He grabs her and growls, "You're my wife!" and when she wails, "Not the kind of wife I want to be!",  he retorts, "We're going to fix that right now!" - eeeeek!! - and shoves her onto the bed for what appears to be some '70s TV marital rape action. She tells him his touch makes her want to hurl, and her forcibly kisses her and says, "You'll get over that soon enough." Sue Ellen weakly struggles and huskily murmurs, "I don't want you...I don't want you..." as JR ignores her and smothers her neck with kisses.

"We're Ewings. We don't adopt other people's mistakes."

"Then knock me up, so we don't have to keep having the same argument over and over again!"

Bobby excitedly tells Pam he has a surprise for her, then points to a fancy black sports car that's parked in the driveway. He tells her he bought it for her so she can get to work every day without having to borrow his car. Pam squeals happily, and the two climb in and go for a test drive. Sue Ellen, who's lurking nearby, enviously watches the two drive off. A chastened looking JR walks over, leers at her for a few seconds, then remarks that he heard something about Bobby buying Pam a new car. When Sue Ellen ignores him, he tells her he's going into town and asks her if she needs anything - but she coldly says no. He sheepishly says he's probably working late tonight anyway, then shuffles over to his car and drives off.

Final thought: I blame Miss Ellie for encouraging Sue Ellen to pursue adoption. No one at Southfork should ever take this idiot woman's advice.

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---