Recap: The Hills gals (Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Stephanie) arrive in Hawaii to crash the boys' trip. The foursome cackles about how surprised Brody et. al. are going to pretend to be when they make their "surprise appearance" at the Turtle Bay Resort.

Over at the resort, Brody waxes on about how super relaxed he is - just as the Hills gals show up. Lauren insists that they would have missed them way too much if they didn't crash their vacay, and Brody looks OK with it once everyone expresses a sudden desire to guzzle shots.  

During more than a little superfluous surfing footage, Stephanie smarmily asks Audrina if she's checking out Brody's hot bod. Audrina just smiles coquettishly and shares that Justin texted her earlier, and that they have a "love-hate relationship" ... even though whatever this is could barely be described as a relationship. Stephanie chides her for passively waiting around for Justin to decide stuff - to which Audrina snappishly retorts that she's definitely not doing that, then gets back to ogling Brody.

Heidi and Spencer are in an L.A. Barnes & Noble, browsing through the self-improvement section. Heidi announces that Colby and his girlfriend (Ashley) will be vacationing in L.A. this episode, and Spencer snidely says he can't wrap his brain around a guy willing to attend bible college and forgo premarital sex. Heidi points out that it'd be a good opportunity for him to spend time with "a nice, normal guy". 

Back in Hawaii, the coed gang is enjoying the sunset while needlessly revealing their dating statuses. Stephanie asks Audrina if she likes Justin enough to not hook up with another guy, and Audrina murmurs, "Mmm...no." Brody chimes in to offer his opinion: if Audrina were to ever date a guy who "literally blows Justin away in every which way" [demonstrating my biggest pet peeve of the English language: the misuse of literally], she'd be gone in an instant, then blushes prettily when Audrina eagerly agrees. 

Colby and Ashley arrive at a Hollywood restaurant to meet up with Heidi and Spencer. Colby marvels at what a different world California is compared to Crested Butte, and Ashley unwittingly (or maybe wittingly) embarrasses Heidi when she makes a point of remarking on how totally different (e.g. Hollywood-ized) she now looks as compared to her high school photos. When Spencer suggests they order some tequila, Colby and Ashley tell him they're content with water, then primly pronounce that nothing good ever comes from drinking alcohol....or with opposite genders sleeping together premaritally, which is precisely why they booked separate hotel rooms. Spencer just stares at them with undisguised incredulity as Colby further explains that he was raised a Southern Baptist who grew up thinking it was sinful to dance. Spencer suggests they get together to do some boxing tomorrow 'cause surely he must have a lot of aggression that desperately needs releasing.

Back in Hawaii, Audrina primps for the evening ahead and tells Stephanie there's always been a certain attraction between herself and Brody - but that neither has ever acted on it. She mumblingly adds that she's always been with Justin, and that Brody is now tangled up with Jayde. Stephanie eggs her on to hook up with Brody as a means of making Justin jealous, and Audrina contorts her face while mulling over that full of flaws prospect. 

The next day, Spencer brings Colby to the Spectrum Fitness Club and says if he were a virgin he'd have a lot of excess energy that would need burning off every hour of the day. Colby says he largely depends on the strength of prayer to get him through his most horny spells, and insists that he can only assume the delayed gratification will be well worth it. As the two start to box, Spencer asks exactly where in the bible it states that premarital sex is forbidden, so Colby suggests that they get together with their significant others later for a bible study and review some pertinent verses. 

During dinner, Audrina and Brody pretend to flirt with one another, prompting Frankie to bleat, "Just get a room already!" Audrina then admits that, yep, she does have a little crush on Brody...and the camera pans around to everyone's faux shocked expressions. 

Over at Casa Montag-Pratt, Colby leads the bible study by referencing specific bible verses that address the importance of the marital bed's purity. Spencer, however, isn't convinced that purity in this context doesn't just mean laundering one's bedding.
 
After Audrina wanders off, Brody admits to his guy friends that yeah he finds her to be exceptionally hot - but that he's very attracted to his Playboy playmate girlfriend. Frankie pushes back about how desperately Audrina appears to want him, prompting Brody to stare contemplatively into space. As the gang turns in for the night, Brody finds Audrina in [I'll assume] her room and stays for a one-on-one chat. He tells her he doesn't want things to be awkward between them - but if they were to "do whatever with no one around...feelings are feelings". Indeed they are, Brody. Indeed they are. 

The next morning, Lo dishes to Lauren about how Audrina stayed in Brody's room all night...then wakes up Stephanie to see if she has any juicy tidbits to share on camera. A bedraggled Stephanie says she only knows what Lo just told Lauren, and the three smile knowingly at each other. 

Over lunch at the Primo Bistro, Heidi continues to lay it on thick to Spencer about Colby's pious and values-driven life - but Spencer just shrugs and says if he were anything like Colby, she'd surely be bored as fuck. Heidi urges him to take a page out of Colby's book and try to be nicer to her family members, and Spencer mocks Colby's whole Leave it to Beaver vibe as an exasperated Heidi asks the waiter for the check. 

Back in Turtle Bay, Brody emerges from his room...and when Doug remarks that he saw Audrina exiting his room not long ago, Brody curtly announces to the bonehead crew that, yep, he messed up and cheated on his girlfriend. The guys cackle at that, then wonder how Jayde is going to react...and Brody weakly hopes that Audrina won't breathe a word of his infidelity within hearing range of his girlfriend.

Audrina admits to Lauren, Lo, and Stephanie that she slept in Brody's room last night, then acknowledges that Justin probably isn't going to be very happy about it [even though I get the strong sense that he prolly wouldn't give too much of a shit]. Lo and Stephanie warn about how furious Jayde is going to be when this dramatic new subplot hits the Hills airwaves - but Audrina just shrugs unconcernedly and mutters, "Start a war...like, whatever."

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Recap: Audrina is at Big Wangs with Lauren, discussing how much she's been looooving keeping a safe distance from Justin. Amen to that. She adds that she's been on a lot of first dates with a lot of randos, and is very excited about making a fresh start.  

​Stephanie is at People's Revolution with Lauren, logging clothes into a computer database before tossing them in a nearby cardboard box. Kelly arrives, snaps at Stephanie for leaving her coffee on an unauthorized surface, and then for not using paper dividers between the clothing items she's packing up. She snarlingly warns, "I am watching you, Stephanie Pratt" ... and Lauren wishes Stephanie good luck before wandering off. 

Spencer pulls into the alley behind Bolthouse and phones Heidi so they can have a tête-à-tête in his car. He asks her where they're at in their relationship, then unhelpfully whines about feeling "caged up" at the tender age of twenty-five. Heidi sarcastically tells him he's more than welcome to do shots and "God only knows what else" with Stacie the Bartender...and Spencer assures her he's not into Stacie 'cause she's not a blonde. Heidi looks unmoved by the quasi-flattery and tells him that if he doesn't agree to go to couple's counselling with her, they're through.

That evening, Lauren and her posse arrive at Coco De Ville, where the group is merged with Brody, his clingy girlfriend [and Playboy playmate] Jayde, and Frankie, et. al. Brody reminds Frankie about their upcoming trip to Hawaii...and when Lauren looks put out and demands to know why the gals weren't invited, Brody tells her it's strictly a boys' trip. Justin, meanwhile, can be seen slouching several feet away, and Audrina throws something at him to get his attention. He reluctantly lumbers over to say hey and give Audrina a hello hug, then gets all weirdly bitchy about the way she pats him on the back in mid-hug. After he wanders off, Brody winces and remarks on how awkward that was and asks Audrina what the deal is...and while that's happening, Jayde looks extremely irked that Brody isn't 100% focused on her and pulls him towards her and possessively plants a giant smooch on his lips. 

Stephanie drops by Audrina's house to discuss Justin's rudeness at Coco De Ville last night. Stephanie advises her to end their toxic relationship/whatever this now is on good terms - but Audrina says she's going to need to engage in at least one more interaction with the boorish slob and highly doubts that it'll go well.

The next night at a club called Apple, Brody is hanging with Jayde when he decides 'why not call up Spencer and invite him along to Hawaii?' Spencer finds it too hard to hear what Brody's saying over all the background noise and fibs that he's in Vegas right now. After he hangs up, he explains to Heidi that fibbing was the quickest way to get off the phone with Brody, and Heidi says she cannot wait to discuss all of this fibbing and non-vacationing with a therapist. 

Sleazy T (one of Brody's inner dipshit circle members) tells Audrina that Justin is going to need a personality transplant if there's any hope of reviving anything resembling a relationship between the two of them. A few seconds later, the camera pans over to a disheveled looking Justin, who seats himself beside Brody so that they can grunt at each other about whatever's going on/not going on between him and Audrina. Audrina complains to Sleazy T that Justin is still trying to win her over [mmm...I'm not getting that impression], but that it's not going to work - just as Justin suddenly appears beside her, musses her hair, and pontificates about how short a human's earthly life is. When he holds out two fingers as a needless means of demonstrating how short one's life actually is, Audrina wearily asks him if he's being serious, then complains that he always makes her feel like a fool and generally just stupider for being in his presence [sorry, that last thing was me, projecting]. Justin retorts that she's crazy, so she wryly adds that she's crazy in love with a moron who couldn't give two shits about her. Stephanie interjects to once again advise Audrina not to talk to Justin, who has abruptly abandoned the conversation to wander across the club and act clownish.

Back at People's Revolution, Lauren tells Stephanie she should prolly answer her phone whenever it rings, then tries to get her interested in the various tasks to which she's been assigned. She asks Stephanie if she dutifully logged every item of clothing that's currently in the nearby cardboard box, and Stephanie just stares at her blankly and says she has no idea (lol). Lauren gets visibly frustrated, tells her how important it is to focus, and points out that if she (Stephanie) were having this conversation with Kelly, there'd be a whole lot of yelling and repeated threats of termination.

Heidi and Spencer arrive at Dr. Mansbacher's office for their first round of couple's therapy. Heidi recounts Spencer's flirtitude with Stacie the Bartender and describes it as "an emotional affair", so then Spencer grumbles that she clearly doesn't trust him - even after he faux married her in Cabo at the end of last season. Dr. Mansbacher disdainfully remarks, "This sounds all really high school-ish to me" and instructs the two to face each other and express something they're currently feeling. Spencer sourly quips, "I feel like I'm in a nightmare", prompting Heidi to chide him for not taking therapy seriously and for being so emotionally checked out. Dr. Mansbacher asks her what she's doing with a malevolent Chucky doll lookalike who is so checked out, and Heidi responds by staring back at her in mute cluelessness.

Lauren, Audrina, and Lo arrive at Crustacean and discuss the boys' upcoming trip to Hawaii, idly wondering if Brody's main motivation is to get away from Jayde for a few days. Audrina gushes about how good looking and positive Brody always is, smilingly adding, "You catch each other's eye and you feel that attraction." Lauren and Lo stare at each in stunned silence at that shocking revelation...then put a pin in it for now as they all decide it might be fun for them to tag along to Hawaii at the exact same time as Brody et. al. and somehow describe it as "a girls' trip". They solemnly vow that they're firmly committed to not causing drama of any kind. Hmm mmm..

Recap: Stephanie drops by Casa Montag-Pratt to inform Spencer that she just got a text from Heidi, detailing how she ran into her ex-boyfriend (Colby) while she was in Crested Butte. Spencer says he knows all about her dating history with Colby, and that Darlene really really likes him. Stephanie asks him if he's still seeing the cute bartender from The Dime, and Spencer snappishly tells her it's none of her business...and that, furthermore, he's going to do whatever he damn well pleases. Stephanie warns that, to the contrary, he should be on his best behavior if he has any hope of winning Heidi back. 

Over at People's Revolution, Kelly Cutrone tells Lauren that she wants to hire a pretend intern now that Whitney is starring in The City spin-off, and asks if she has any friends at FIDM who might be interested in being part of this subplot. Lauren says she might know of someone [who's conveniently already on The Hills' payroll], and Kelly urges her to be careful who she refers - especially if they're a friend.

While lunching at a restaurant called Tart, Lauren tells Stephanie that People's Revolution is looking to hire a Hills cast member as an intern. Stephanie perks up at that and says she's definitely ready to leave her current internship, and Lauren advises her to get a few internships under her belt before she graduates...then offers to arrange for her to interview with Kelly Cutrone. 

Spencer enters his apartment and is surprised to see that Heidi has returned from Crested Butte. When she tells him that Darlene is appalled that they're having "bartender jealousy issues", he grumbles accusingly about her run-in with Colby. Heidi irritably explains that Colby just happened to enter the restaurant while she was dining with her family - which is a far cry from him doing shots with Stacie at a dive bar. The two then bicker back and forth...blah blah...until Heidi mutters, "I don't even want to talk to you anymore." Spencer huffs out of the room, leaving Heidi staring after him while shaking her head in dismay.

Stephanie arrives at People's Revolution for her interview. She hands Kelly her skimpy looking resume...and as Kelly glances at it with amusement, Stephanie gabbles about how it's her main goal in life to develop a handbag line - in a decade from now. Kelly chucklingly says, "You should be able to move quicker than that, honey" and tells her that as a faux intern, she'll have to do stuff like print labels. Stephanie stares back at her blankly, then, for whatever reason, pretends to know French - until Kelly starts trying to converse with her en français and gets another blank stare. Kelly firmly tells her that if she's going to be an intern for this staged MTV storyline, there are two main rules in her office:

• No crying
• No looking nervous

Stephanie bravely insists that she's ready for the challenge, and Kelly snort-laughs, "Not by this resume." Lol..

Spencer is driving his car with Charlie, who has his eyes closed as he grooves to the music on the car radio. Spencer cackles about how much fuuuuun they're going to have with Stacie and her posse at a new club (H. Wood). Charlie warns, "Don't get caught slippin'" ... and when Spencer says he don't slip, Charlie nonsensically mumbles, "You don't slip, you trip, you flip." Spencer grunts, "Woo woo.." and decides he likes the sound of flippin' better than slippin', then hits the gas pedal...and I have no idea what the difference between the two words are in this confoundingly illiterate context. 

Over dinner at Katsuya, Stephanie tells Heidi that her interview at People's Revolution was terrifying. Heidi swiftly changes the subject to Spencer and says she hasn't talked to him all day, so Stephanie suggests they head over to the likeliest club he and Charlie would be hanging at. 

Over at H. Wood, Spencer and Charlie are seated at a table with Stacie and two of her pretty gal pals, drinking and looking as though they're having a fantastic time. As Spencer cackles about how much he looooooves the chill vibe, Heidi and Stephanie arrive. Heidi marches over to where Spencer's sitting and growlingly demands to know, "What the fuck are you doing?" to which Spencer replies, "Hanging out with friends." An incredulous looking Heidi asks him if he's now dating Stacie...and when Charlie inserts himself and urges her to chillax, she snaps at him to mind his own business. When he continues to babble, Stephanie barks at him to shut up, calling him "the worst influence ever". Heidi sarcastically asks Spencer if she can join this little party, prompting Stephanie to whisper to her about what a slut Stacie is. Stacie's all, "Wha-a-at did you call me?", and Stephanie adds that, in addition to being a slut, she's also home wrecker. The two exchange insults and look as though they're gearing up for a cat fight - until Spencer yells at them to shut it. Heidi shoots him the stink-eye and firmly tells him she's done, and that he's not to call her or talk to her ever again. As she and Stephanie march off, Spencer stares after her, agape.

Heidi has decided to spend the night at Stephanie's apartment, and complains that Spencer has the audacity to flirt with Stacie while insinuating that she committed acts of hanky panky with Colby when she ran into him in Crested Butte last episode. She continues to weakly insist I'm done, and pretends to doubt that there's any future for the two of them. She puts on her best 'I'm soooo fed up' face as she rhetorically asks, "How many chances do you get?"

Back at People's Revolution, Kelly tells Lauren she thought it was pretty boneheaded of Stephanie to tell her that her life's goal is to design a line of handbags. Kelly then pretends to be very scared to faux hire such an obvious dumb-dumb, but then explains the need to provide a filming location for the MTV cameras by reasoning, "The interview was such a folly that she could be genius." [That she might, Kelly. That she might.] She warns Lauren that if Stephanie screws up, it's somehow going to reflect badly on her, and that she's going to have to be the one to fire her when things (predictably) go awry. Sounds like Kelly gets off on running a scarily toxic workplace...if, in fact, this were a real workplace.

Heidi meets up with Spencer at an outdoor patio restaurant and tells him that Stephanie suggested they undergo therapy, not least 'cause last night's run in with him and Stacie was utterly mortifying. Spencer says he's totes over the drama, and insists that he's only ever seen Stacie three times in his entire life. Heidi chides him for not even having the decency to apologize, then offers an ultimatum: get your shit together and agree to pre-marital therapy or else we're done forever. She then gets up and leaves, strutting down the street in a ridiculously high pair of stilettos. 

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Recap: Spencer drops by Stephanie's apartment to give her the what for for bringing Heidi to Lauren's birthday yacht party, knowing full well that she wasn't going to be welcomed with open arms by Lauren and her posse. Stephanie points out that she didn't force Heidi to attend...and that it didn't mean he needed to spend the evening at The Dime, flirting with Stacie. Spencer chides her for showing Heidi et. al. the text message she received from Cameron, mostly objecting to the lack of familial loyalty it demonstrated. Stephanie rolls her eyes about how old his constant talk of loyalty is getting, then declares that she's no longer going to put any effort into convincing Heidi that he's a good guy. She reminds him how readily he abandoned all of his friends to the point that he now has zero clue how to exist in the world without Heidi...and he retorts by bitchily urging her to figure out her own life before getting all up in his bidness, then storms out. 

Lauren tells Audrina and Lo that she enjoyed spending her birthday with her pals - but did not enjoy being trapped on a boat with Heidi aboard [while the MTV camera crew was conveniently on hand to film their crying hugs]. Lo admits it was "a good idea in theory", and insists that her/Audrina's original guest list did not include Heidi.

Heidi struts over to The Dime and identifies herself to Stacie as the fiancée of the malevolent Chucky doll lookalike who had come to the bar during the previous episode. Stacie pretends to think about to whom she's referring, then chucklingly mutters, "Oh...the fighter." She tells Heidi she had no idea Chucky was in a relationship, and dishes about how he had saucily asked what would incentivize her to dance atop the bar. She retroactively pretends that the comment made her feel very uncomfortable [even though it totally contradicts the MTV footage], and primly says she wouldn't want her fiancé behaving like that. As Heidi looks appropriately appalled, Stacie breezily chirps, "Good luck with that!" Lol..

Spencer returns home to a visibly upset Heidi, who informs him that she went to The Dime and talked to Stacie, who confirmed that his behavior the other night was waaaaay out of line. When she references his comment about wanting Stacie to dance atop the bar, she wails, "How dare you disrespect me like that!" Spencer complains that she clearly doesn't trust him...and that ever since Season 3, he's been stuck in this apartment [they've both been pretending to live in], and hasn't so much as looked at another female. Heidi sarcastically apologizes for depriving him of enjoying the company of other women, then announces that she's off to Colorado to spend some much needed time with her family so that she can contemplate whether or not they have a future. Spencer sourly wishes her a great trip...and to say hey to Darlene.

Heidi arrives at her parents' house in Crested Butte, CO...and the downhill ski trails look utterly fantastic. Darlene (Heidi's mom) looks thrilled to see her, and lends a sympathetic ear as Heidi complains about how frustrating her life with Spencer can be. She then shares some rare good news: she went to Lauren's birthday yacht party, where they conversed like old friends again...after learning that Spencer had punched Cameron for sending Stephanie a text about his brazen flirting with Stacie. Darlene's all, "Nooooooo...", calls that "not OK", and points out that Spencer is the common denominator of all the shitty things going on in her life. Darlene then remarks on how huge it is that her fractured relationship with Lauren is finally starting to improve. 

At a fabric store, Lauren and Stephanie are browsing swatches for an upcoming FIDM project. Lauren looks bored by the errand and complains that her birthday party was far more drama-filled that it needed to be [surely the MTV producers would disagree], and Stephanie fibs and says it was Heidi who had insisted on crashing the party. She then says it's sooooo confounding for her to grasp why she can't just get along with Heidi, so Lauren growlingly reminds her about how intensely she haaaaates the lowlife Heidi seems determined to hitch herself to. She chides Stephanie for not dissuading Heidi from crashing the party and maybe suggesting a dinner instead...and when Stephanie murmurs that she would never agree to have dinner with Heidi, Lauren's like, "Exactly!" and asks her why she'd then assume Heidi would be welcome at her birthday party. Stephanie coos about how desperately Heidi wants her best friend back, to which Lauren snappishly retorts, "You have to stop pushing it on me!", makes it clear that she's not kidding around, and that it's very unfair to have Heidi being constantly pushed on her. 

Spencer summons Brody to meet up with him at Cafe Muse to update him on The Stacie/Cameron's Text Situation and to grimly report that Heidi fled to Colorado to spend time with Darlene, who prolly hates him as much as Lauren does. Brody says he's of the opinion that he should mostly be annoyed at Heidi for believing that he flirted with Stacie, then urges him to regain his independence and indulge in some clubbing after being cooped up with Heidi 24/7. Spencer stares into space as he mutely contemplates his possible future status as an individual person.

That evening in Crested Butte, Heidi is having dinner with Darlene and Tim (her stepdad) at Timberline (the family's restaurant) and talking about Colby (Heidi's wholesome ex-boyfriend). By scripted coincidence, Colby enters the restaurant a few seconds later, joins the Montags at their table, and reminisces about the pre-Hills days of yore. Darlene beams like a smitten schoolgirl as she gushes at Colby for being crowned Colorado's wrestling champion, cackles, "You were the stud of your high school!", then sighs, "I love you, Colby." A dismayed Heidi's like, "Easy there, ma" and chimes in to share that Spencer just got his purple belt in jujitsu...to which Darlene wryly adds that, yeah, he also recently got into a bar fight. Darlene makes it clear to Colby that she's still holding out hope that he and Heidi might end up together, and squeals happily when Colby confirms that he's not yet engaged to anyone. 

Lauren meets up with Brody at the Avalon Hotel to further discuss Heidi's unwanted presence at her birthday yacht party. Lauren says she's very annoyed at Stephanie for bringing her, and irritably says she clearly missed the part where she had fully consented to resume her friendship with Heidi. Brody tells her that Heidi is in Colorado, and that Spencer called him 'cause he has no other friends to whom he can complain about the state of his relationship...and Lauren chews on that for a few seconds and points out the irony of both Heidi and Spencer having no other options but to reach out to the two people they "burned". 

Heidi is standing on her parents' balcony, staring out at the snowy slopes when Darlene joins her with two cups of cocoa. Heidi coos about how drama free and relaxing this trip has been, and that it was also nice to catch up with Colby last night. Darlene remarks on how grounded she always seems when she's back in Crested Butte, and worries that when she's in L.A., she spends sooooo much of her time with Spencer. Heidi prickles at the notion that Spencer has power over her - but Darlene insists that she's more influenced by him that she probably realizes...and that there are too many things they still don't know about each other. Heidi concurs, then says it's definitely a good thing that they only got faux married in Mexico at the end of Season 4. 

Spencer and Charlie are back at The Dime, guzzling tequila shots with Stacie. Spencer tells Stacie that Heidi went to Colorado to visit her family, and that he doesn't even know if they're still a couple. Stacie's all, "Wow - well, I thought she was nuts" [mmm...did you though?], then joins a three-way toast to 'no crazy girlfriends!' Stacie gigglingly points out that drinking tequila can solve any problem...and when Spencer asks her if there's going to be a next time they enjoy over-drinking together. Stacie shoots him her best attempt at a sultry stare and coquettishly mumbles, "I dunno..? It's up to you." As Spencer wonders aloud what they should do about it being the end of the evening, the edited footage makes it look as if the two are just staring mutely at each other with faint hints of wanton desire etched across their faces.

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Recap: Heidi meets up with Stephanie to get caught up on how her fashion design classes are going, then asks if there are any plans to celebrate Lauren's upcoming birthday. When Stephanie tells her that Lo is throwing her a surprise party on a yacht, Heidi scrunches her face disappointedly and says that she didn't get an invitation...and had hoped that since her feud with Lauren has been thawing since Season 4, Lo or Audrina would have thought to invite her to the birthday bash. Stephanie invites her to tag along as her plus one...and when Heidi halfheartedly murmurs that she doesn't want her unwelcome presence to be "weird or awkward", Stephanie assures her it'll be OK, not least 'cause the MTV producers are desperate to stir up a fun batch of 'season premiere' drama.

Audrina and Lo are discussing Lauren's surprise birthday yacht party. As they arrive at a bakery to pick up the birthday cake, Audrina shares that she didn't invite Justin...then glumly reveals that the ring he gave her in Palm Springs during the Season 4 finale didn't actually mean anything. The two then discuss not inviting Heidi...and when Audrina wryly says Heidi seems willing to do whatever it takes to reinstall herself as Lauren's friend, a bewildered looking Lo says that when a person gets turned down as many times as Heidi has, it's prolly time to go away and make new friends. 

Inside the limo en route to the surprise yacht party, Lauren, Lo, and Audrina are sipping champagne and celebrating their girls' night out. 

Over at Casa Montag-Pratt, Stephanie looks on as Heidi completes her glittery mini-dress outfit with a pair of high-heeled sandals. Heidi tells Stephanie that she hasn't yet told anyone (Spencer included) that she's crashing Lauren's birthday party...and a few seconds later, Spencer enters the room and quizzes them on who else is attending their girls' night on the town. Heidi mumblingly says it'll be mostly Stephanie's friends - possibly including Lauren. Spencer makes an ew face before sarcastically wishing Heidi all the best in catching up with "the queen biatch". 

Over at Marina Del Rey, a blindfolded Lauren is guided by Lo and Audrina onto the yacht, where a roomful of party guests (Brody, Frankie, Holly, etc.) are quietly waiting. As soon as Lauren steps into the main party room, everyone yells, "Surprise!" ... and she looks momentarily startled before happily hugging each of her Hills' co-stars/pals. 

Spencer and his odd friend Charlie are at a dive bar called The Dime. After ordering shots of Patrón tequila, Spencer babbles to the shapely bartender (Stacie) that the last time he drank this kind of tequila was the night of his faux wedding in Mexico last season, then excitedly jiggles his torso while seated on the barstool.
​
As everyone offers birthday toasts to Lauren, Stephanie and Heidi quietly board the yacht. Heidi enters the main party room and chirps, "Happy birthday!" and then gives Lauren a hug...and a few seconds later, a miffed looking Lauren makes a beeline over to where Stephanie is standing and asks her why in blazes she would invite Heidi to her birthday party. 

Heidi asks Audrina if she thinks that Lauren is OK with her being here, and Audrina winces before unconvincingly muttering, "It's fine." Across the room, Stephanie asks Lauren if she wants her and Heidi to leave, and Lauren irritably points out that it's not actually an option, 'cause the yacht is on open water. Stephanie laments getting herself involved in the interminable Heidi-Lauren feud, but then reminds Lauren that Heidi is still her own person, separate from Spencer. Lauren tells her she doesn't think it's at all possible to separate Heidi from her relationship with the malevolent Chucky doll lookalike, and concludes that sometimes there are people in one's life that one can no longer be friends with.

Lo comes right out and tells Heidi that Lauren is uncomfortable with her being here. Heidi moans about how frustrating this rift is, and that she wants to have a close friendship with Lauren while also cohabitating with Spencer. A disinterested Lo's like, "Yeah whatever...just move on already."

Back at The Dime, Spencer and Charlie are continuing to down tequila shots when Cameron (Stephanie's ex) saunters in with a group of friends. Spencer wanders over to say hey, then mumblingly explain that he and Charlie (+ bartender Stacie) are enjoying a boys' night out. When he returns to his barstool, Cameron looks faux appalled by the way in which Spencer is "having the time of his life" as he flirts with Stacie. The camera then cuts to Spencer, who idly asks Stacie what would incentivize her to start dancing atop the bar...and she nonsensically replies, "Pour some sugar on me all day." Spencer looks momentarily confused by the notion of wanting oneself coated with sugar, then coos, "You naughty thing, you", prompting Cameron to pull out his phone and send Stephanie a text message, detailing what her philandering brother is up to right now. 

Lauren blows out the candles on her birthday cake, while a glum looking Heidi watches from several feet away. A few seconds later, Stephanie gets Cameron's text and blabs to Audrina that Spencer has been spotted flirting with a cute bartender. Heidi quickly gets wind of the contrived drama, reads the text message and anxiously declares that she really neeeeeeeds to get off this boat. 

Audrina tells Lauren about Cameron's text, while Heidi frantically dials Spencer to ask him if the flirting accusation is true. He's all, "Wha-a-at the hell are you talking about?", so Heidi tells him she just heard through the grapevine - aka a text message that Cameron sent to Stephanie - that he's been doing shots with Stacie and then trying to get her phone number. Spencer growls, "What planet are you on?", then tells her that he's going to hang up now so he can go beat up Cameron. 

Spencer pulls Cameron aside and demands to know 'what the fuck?', so Cameron smugly retorts that he figured Heidi deserves to know that he was hitting on the bartender. Spencer glares stonily at him and (rhetorically..?) asks, "Are you trying to get hurt?" and warns him to stop smiling. When Cameron continues beaming, Spencer gets all in his face and baits, "Touch me, dawg, so I can f*** you up." Cameron, who likely assumed he'd be safe from physical violence while in the company of the MTV camera crew, weakly pushes at Spencer, who responds by punching him in the face. The two then throw punches at each other - before the altercation is quickly broken up. 

Back on the birthday yacht, Heidi updates Stephanie and Audrina about the volatile situation at The Dime, and then Frankie loudly announces to everyone that Spencer just assaulted Cameron. Heidi tries in vain to call Spencer, and is comforted by Lauren, who breezily assures her that boys get into stupid fights all the time. When Heidi says she's mostly concerned about Spencer's flirting, Lauren rolls her eyes and reminds her that the dude is an asshole and all around awful human being. Heidi tears up and now regrets crashing this party and causing all of this drama...and Lauren sadly recalls that they used to be besties - before Spencer joined The Hills cast and vindictively started a nasty sex tape rumor about her. She tells Heidi she still loves her - but can't be half a friend to her while she's shacking up with her wretched man-child of a boyfriend. Heidi sobs that her memories of the two of them are her favourite memories of all her memories, and then the two collapse against each other for a long cry...before Lauren suggests they go get a drink and take it from there. 

After the party, the guests file off the yacht. Lauren gives Heidi a goodbye hug and climbs into her limo, while Heidi and Stephanie head over to Heidi's car and drive off. 

Recap: Brent is meeting with Heidi and Kimberly to discuss their roles during the opening of the new SLS Hotel...and once that bit of faux business has been squared away, he asks them about their vacations. Kimberly says she went to Hawaii and had a fantastic time, and then Heidi shares that she went to Mexico and "kind of decided to get married". Brent responds with an incredulous, "Shut up!", and Heidi's like, "No really!" and says that she and Spencer got so drunk one night that they stumbled over to the nearest chapel to bind themselves together in holy matrimony. She adds that it's the craziest thing she's ever done, and Brent looks a mixture of befuddled and unimpressed, then shakes his head as he mutters, "Uh, all right..?" LOL.

Lauren and Lo arrive at a hair salon to get dolled up for a black tie event they're attending that evening...which, not coincidentally, is the opening of the new SLS Hotel. Lauren remarks on how Heidi will prolly be at the event, and that it's likely going to be totally weird 'cause she's only ever interacted with Heidi as a BFF or an archenemy and has no idea how to be anything in between. 

Justin is riding his motorcycle with Audrina snuggled up behind him as the two motor to Viceroy, a fancy resort in Palm Springs. When they settle into their bungalow, Audrina gushes about how beautifully lavish it is, while Justin repeatedly calls her "dude" [which I find irksome] and heads straight for the bar. The two guzzle champagne straight from the bottle and agree that they looooove getting away without the rest of the Hills posse in tow 'cause it's a lot more drama free...but also far less interesting for viewers to watch.   

Darlene is over at Casa Pratt, sitting on the couch and glaring over at Spencer as the two wait for Heidi to return home. A few seconds later, Heidi makes an appearance and gives her mom a hello hug...and Darlene tears up when she explains that she decided she had to drop in unannounced in order to surprise her. She asks Heidi whassup, so Heidi recaps that during the previous episode, she and Spencer flew to Mexico, guzzled a whole lotta tequila, and decided to elope. A grim-faced Darlene clucks about how a lot of people, aka those who helped raise and mold her, have been hurt deeply by the elopement...then tears up as she complains about how excluded she feels from her own daughter's life. When she asks Heidi if the union is even legal, Heidi decrees, "We're going to make it legal", and to that end adds that she and Spencer are planning on sealing the deal at City Hall tomorrow. She tells her mom she'd like her support - but Darlene just scrunches her face in mute sadness.

Back at the Viceroy, the dullards are lounging by the pool, bantering about whether or not the universe is in their favor, blah blah, and how comfortable Audrina feels with where they stand. Justin admits that he isn't able to connect with a lot of people - shocker - but that he does connect with her. As Audrina beams happily at that pronouncement, he produces a ring, calls her amaaaaaazing, and shakes her hand. Yes really. And no, this doesn't mean they're engaged.

SLS Hotel opening! Heidi greets Holly and Stephanie...and a few seconds later, the three spot the arrival of Lauren and Lo. As they wave over at the twosome, Heidi figures that since Lauren didn't give her the middle finger, she's interpreting that as encouragement to go talk to her. She promptly ambles over to Lauren to ask if they can have a private[ly filmed] conversation...and Lauren tells her it's fine, and then the two exchange pleasantries and agree that this interaction [that was no doubt was forced upon them by the Hills' producers] is awkward as fuck. Heidi shares that she and Spencer just got faux married and that she's sooooo happy, and Lauren breezily tells her that that's all that matters. When Lauren asks her how all of this is going over with Darlene, Heidi tears up and says that her all-consuming relationship with the Chucky doll look-alike has taken a heavy toll on her ma, and that the things her ma has said are "just a little bit irreparable". Lauren gives her a quick hug and reminds her what an amaaaazing mom she has...and Heidi agrees about all the amaaaazing people in her life, conceding that the only thing missing is their friendship - something she's under no illusion about is going to change anytime soon. Lauren doesn't disagree, then shrugs and mumbles, "It just is what it is. It's not always fair." The two then pontificate about the general swiftness of time, after which Lauren makes it clear that if she ever really desperately needed anything, she's here for her. Heidi says she knows, gives Lauren a goodbye hug, and pretends she has to get back to work.

The next morning, Spencer shows Darlene the footage of his/Heidi's faux Mexican wedding ceremony and taunts her with the reminder that he's leaving for the courthouse soon to make their unholy coupling legal. Darlene accuses him of manipulating Heidi into fake eloping while knowing that it wasn't the kind of big family wedding she's been dreaming about her whole life. Spencer snarks back that she needs to accept that Heidi is his [soon-to-be] wife, cheerily points out, "You'll be my mom!" and heads off to ready himself for his City Hall nuptials.

Audrina tells Justin she's still sooooo happy that they're chillin' together in Palm Springs...and he responds by spooning her in the large bed. Snore.

Spencer and Heidi arrive at the courthouse and meet up with Stephanie. After Heidi morosely heads off to the bathroom to "freshen up", Stephanie disapprovingly tells Spencer, "You can't do this." She points out that Heidi is forever going to regret and resent the fact that she wasn't even talking to her mom and sister when when they got married at City Hall, and that this entire subplot is completely ass backwards wrong. When Heidi returns from her trip to the ladies room and dejectedly says she's ready to press ahead with the civil ceremony, the three enter an empty courtroom, where they're greeted by Deputy Commissioner Donna Jones. She begins to officiate the ceremony, and Heidi dutifully repeats the vows...but when it's Spencer's turn, he pauses and asks Heidi if she really really wants to get married in such dull fashion, 'cause frankly it feels depressing as hell, and as though they're doing something sneaky and shady. Heidi tears up and tells the dodo that of course she wants her mom and family to share their special day. Spencer declares that he's suddenly determined to give her the wedding of her dreams...and when she meekly asks, "Really..?", he assures her he loves her sooooo much that he's totes willing to get hitched exactly the way she wants. The two then hug and exit the courtroom, leaving Deputy Commissioner Donna Jones staring after them, somewhat forlornly from her bench.

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Recap: Heidi and Spencer arrive at a swanky resort in Cabo San Lucas...and as they gaze out at the pretty blue water, Spencer pontificates about how their relationship seems to work best in complete isolation. Heidi concurs with that red flag of an assessment and says she definitely likes this surprise...and when Spencer promises that it's going to be the most memorable vacation of her life, she replies by cackling, "Buckle up, baby."

Over at People's Revolution, Whitney gets a call from Alixe Boyer, informing her that she got the DVF job. Lauren gushes about how happy and proud of her she is, and Whitney says she's going to have to call her parents to break the unsurprising news and schedule a goodbye party asap.

A bikini clad Heidi delivers a bottle of champagne to Spencer, awkwardly canoodles him, and says that the alcohol has helped her de-stress from all the tension their relationship has caused for their family and friends. Spencer says he's very much looking forward to "Heidi and Spencer time", and the two vow to not let outside forces get in the way of their bliss.

Stephanie drops by Audrina's house, says hey to Justin (who happens to be over at the time), and asks Audrina if she's talked to Heidi lately. When Audrina's like, "Mmm, no", Stephanie says that no one seems to know where Heidi and Spencer disappeared to. Justin cheekily suggests, "You should put up some signs" [or ask MTV if, by chance, they sent a camera crew to film the pair in Cabo].

While guzzling tequila, Heidi drunkenly cheers, "¡Arriba!" - LOL - which somehow prompts Spencer to suggest that they run off together and get married in secret. Heidi replies with, "¡Loco en la cabeza!" - but Spencer insists that he's totally serious, then summons the waiter to ask for more tequila shots.

Lauren, Lo, and Audrina arrive at Whitney's goodbye party, where her tearful parents toast her budding career in the fashion biz, while also keeping their fingers crossed that she'll be able to return to Los Angeles in the foreseeable future. Audrina, meanwhile, does her best to get Lauren and Lo interested in The Mysterious Disappearance of Heidi and Spencer - but since neither could give the tiniest of rat's asses about what Heidi and/or Spencer are up to, they react by shrugging disinterestedly.

Back in Cabo, Spencer tells Heidi he's very serious about them getting secretly married, mostly 'cause he wants their relationship "to go somewhere". Heidi calls the idea "so crazy" - but also looks as though she's warming up to the prospect of becoming the wife of a Chucky doll lookalike. Spencer creepily calls her his angel, and that he mostly wants to marry her in order to keep her away from the rest of the world...'cause, yeah, that's totally healthy and normal. Heidi naturally decides to throw all good sense to the wind and chirps, "Let's just go do it!" When the two start going at it, Spencer chucklingly tells her to save something for the honeymoon, to which Heidi saucily replies, "I'll show you what a wife does." Ew.

Lauren and Whitney get together for one last beverage summit at Lemonade. Whitney says she's nervous about making the move to New York, and wonders aloud how in blazes the process of transporting groceries to her home works: cab? bicycle? [spoiler: just carry your food home in a grocery bag, Whit]. She laments not knowing very many people in the Big Apple...and when Lauren assures her she'll make new, good friends, Whitney touchingly replies, "No one like you, though." She says it feels as though they've grown up together...and then the two chucklingly reminisce about their first day at Teen Vogue, when two of the magazine's stylists made fun of Whitney's "matchy matchy" get-up while needlessly altering their outfits so that they looked good for Lisa Love. Lauren tearfully says she never expected to get such a good friend out of that internship, and Whitney agrees that they were lucky to have found each other. After shedding a few more tears, the two get up, hug goodbye, and promise to stay in touch.

The next morning, Heidi and Spencer dreamily call each other Mrs. and Mr. Pratt [a TV trope I really can't stand] ... and Spencer says he looooooves saying that and that he had planned their secret wedding at the time he booked this vacation. The two then watch footage of the aftermath of their secret [but also non-legally binding] ceremony on a tiny video camera screen (not sure why it was impossible to treat viewers to a more full-sized flashback of the momentous event), where the two can be seen milling in front of a chapel, drinking champagne and flashing their wedding bands. Heidi calls it romantic and "on a whim" - but admits that her mother is going to have a conniption. When Spencer suggests she simply not tell her, Heidi points out that a secret faux marriage is not something you can really hide for very long...even though I'm pretty sure that a person could probably do so indefinitely. Spencer rightly predicts that, yep, Darlene is definitely going to have some serious issues with the two of them pretending to wed, and Heidi stares at herself in the mirror with a morose expression on her poutish face. 

Whitney is headed to LAX - at the same time Heidi and Spencer are departing Cabo. A few seconds later, Whitney arrives at the airport and wistfully glances around at Los Angeles one last time. 

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Recap: Kelly summons Whitney to her attic office at People's Revolution to tell her that she recently ran into Alixe Boyer, who told her that the Diane von Furstenburg operation (DVF) is looking for someone to do PR in-house. Kelly further informs Whitney that she took it upon herself to set her up for a job interview in a couple of days 'cause of the 'once in a lifetime opportunity' nature of this opening. Whitney stares back at her like a deer caught in headlights, admits that she finds this development extremely overwhelming, but then agrees that - yep - she haaaaaas to do it.

While over at Audrina's new house, Lauren asks how the whole Justin thing is going, and Audrina says they've recently started talking again and reconfirms her general idiocy when she declares, "I still want it!" Lauren screeches, "Noooooo!!" [sorry, no, that was me] before swiftly changing the subject to her parents, who have decided to sell their luxury Laguna Beach house. She sadly adds that she and Lo are headed over there later this episode to pack up her bedroom, and Audrina says that no longer having a childhood home to go back to is akin to growing up.

Stephanie meets up with Spencer at a taco place and moans once again about how she doesn't know what do doooooooo about Cameron. She says that their relationship has turned into a stupidly toxic rollercoaster of breaking up, getting back together, and repeating the cycle. Spencer remarks that Cameron is a dullard hardly worth dating...and when Stephanie complains that she doesn't know what to doooooooo with herself, he mumblingly suggests, "Go be a nun. Join, like, a nun's thing." LOL. He adds that he's pretty sure she could probably do a whole lot better than Cameron, and this prompts Stephanie to perk up and look contemplative.  

Back at People's Revolution, Whitney tells Lauren about her job interview with DVF, and Lauren's like, "OMG!", but then looks sad when it dawns on her that working at DVF will translate to Whitney moving to New York. Whitney says she hopes that while she's in New York for the interview she'll have a few seconds to canoodle with Jay...and when Lauren exclaims, "Dream boy! Dream job!", Whitney says she's determined that her move to New York will be purely for the job and not for any other reason.

Stephanie and Cameron meet up with Spencer and Heidi at the Falcon Restaurant & Lounge, and Spencer's all, "Wuh?" and tells Cameron he assumed that he and Stephanie had broken up. Again. Cameron woodenly says that he and Stephanie have decided to start over...and Stephanie looks visibly anguished by that pronouncement.

Lauren and Lo arrive at the Conrads' fantabulous Laguna Beach house while Ma and Pa Conrad are packing up some stuff in their kitchen. They greet the girls, explain to Lo that since their kids have mostly moved out they no longer have the need for such a gargantuan house, and thank her for being a good friend who's willing to help their daughter pack up her bedroom.

Whitney arrives at DVF headquarters and meets with Alixe Boyer, whose job title is VP, Global Image Director. Sounds intense. Whitney describes all of the stylingk work she's been doing at People's Revolution since Season 3, says she could start at DFV as their new Image Coordinator as soon as the Hills spin-off camera crew is ready to start filming, and that she's super serious about a career in the glamorous fashion industry.

Stephanie summons Cameron over to her apartment to inform him that their dull-as-fuck relationship is no longer tenable and that she's officially cutting him loose. Cameron weakly insists that all they need to do to salvage this not-worth-salvaging mess is to compromise and work things out - but Stephanie argues that she doesn't think there's much good in what they have, and that she deserves better. She tears up and says she wants a guy who makes her happy, and Cameron just kind of shrugs and says, "If that's what you want, that's what you need" and just stares back at her like a lobotomized automaton.

Back at Laguna Beach, Lauren is reading through her past diary entries, chuckling at the monstrous size of her first cell phone, and giggling at her last will and testament...in which she decreed that she wants to be buried in her homecoming dress with the crown atop her coffin. LOL. She then expresses her glumness about never being able to visit this house again, and that she somehow assumed her parents would want to live here forever. 

Back in New York, Jay - who's currently being tagged by MTV as 'Whitney's crush' - is waiting outside DVF headquarters so he can hug Whitney hello and exchange pleasantries while getting all touchy-feely. Whitney tells him she expects to hear about the job imminently, and is eager to get outa L.A. and start living her New York adventure. She promises that they'll talk soon, then hops into a waiting cab and heads to the airport.

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Recap: Lauren tells Lo she's still bummed about Audrina accusing her of doing the nasty with Justin...and that, in essence, his shitty treatment of Audrina is a big part of why they're even having this conversation right now. Lo points out that being accused of something this heinous can only stem from a complete lack of trust, and Lauren concurs and says that she's going to need Audrina to express genuine contriteness if she expects to be forgiven.

Over at Epic Records, Audrina tells Chiara about her contentious encounter with Lauren at Winston's last night, and that Lauren accused her of humiliating her without any tangible evidence of wrongdoing. She also recaps that when she finally met up with Justin, he admonished her for all of the bitchy voicemail messages and texts she sent him and then abruptly exited the bar...and they haven't spoken since. Audrina admits that she now believes nothing actually happened between Lauren and Justin, and that she wishes she hadn't spent much of the previous episode perpetrating such an implausible rumor, and wishes they go back to the way everything was, two short episodes ago. Chiara reacts to this contrived lunacy by shaking her head in dismay.

Spencer drops by Stephanie's apartment to pressure her into tagging along to Nana's place in Huntington Beach when he and Heidi visit her tomorrow. Stephanie whines that she's sooooo busy with school and work and can't easily do it on a weekday - but Spencer strongly urges her to carve out some time to check in with Nana and do whatever it takes to get herself back into the eighty-four year old's good graces.

While frolicking in Lauren's pool, Brody comes right out and asks, "Why are you banging Justin-Bobby?", adding that that rumor is some the craziest shit he's ever heard. Lauren complains about the embarrassment of people asking her about it and wonders aloud when exactly Audrina took a turn into cuckoo-town. Brody tells her that people inexplicably change, and advises her to cut Audrina from the Hills posse.

Audrina tells her sister Casey that Justin still isn't talking to her, and Casey kind of grins at that silver lining and says she totally gets why Lauren would be so upset, and urges her to apologize to Lauren for making such wild, baseless accusations.

Spencer, Heidi, and Stephanie arrive at Nana's house in Huntington Beach and greet Nana hello...and Spencer and Heidi smugly point out how often they drop by - unlike Stephanie, who's been dickishly ignoring her kindly grandparent. While enjoying refreshments on the patio, Nana asks Stephanie what's new, and Spencer interjects and tattles about how Stephanie has become besties with "the person that was talking mean about poor, sweet Heidi". Nana clucks, "Oh dear" ... and when Spencer and Stephanie start bickering, Nana snaps at them to shut it, 'cause she much prefers it when everyone is happy and gets along. Spencer reacts by calling Stephanie out for not visiting Nana frequently enough, prompting Stephanie to make special plans to hang out with Nana for much of the following day. 

At People's Revolution, Lauren tells Whitney that Audrina wants them to meet up and hopefully make peace. She adds that she's not wild about the idea of continuing to discuss the rumor of her getting nailed by Justin - but Whitney points out that maybe Audrina will have something more worthwhile to say than the verbal garbage she blurted out at Winston's the other night. Lauren mulls that over while staring contemplatively into space.

Stephanie and Nana stroll along Santa Monica Beach before taking a rest on a park bench, and Nana remarks on how much she likes the two of them having their own private time. Stephanie remarks on how whenever she (Nana) comes into town, she tends to only visit Spencer and Heidi, and Nana says that in her defence it's not her intention to exclude her. Stephanie says that things between herself and Spencer always seem to devolve into a competition, and that he likes having the spotlight on himself (e.g. as evidenced by the way he finagled himself into become a regular Hills cast mate), and Nana just kind of shrugs and says she mostly judges him by the kind manner he treats her. Stephanie argues that if she knew what he was really like, she wouldn't like him very much, to which Nana unhelpfully replies, "Life is sometimes a bucket of worms and you don't know what to do with them." Stephanie chuckles and says that that's how she feels about Spencer, and doesn't get why he's always so mean to her...and Nana just advises her to give him a chance to mature.

Over at Bond Street, Audrina admits to Lauren that her accusations about hooking up with Justin have created one hot mess for her on camera Hills friendships, and Lauren concurs that, yep, she definitely accused her of some pretty crazy shit and that common sense should have dictated that she'd never hook up with her boyfriend, much less a disheveled hobo who can barely bring himself to commit to daily hygiene. Audrina sheepishly says she was sooooo sure that Dino was telling the truth - but that she now regrets not trusting her and/or Justin. Lauren laughingly retorts, "I get why you didn't trust Justin", then says she's watched her repeatedly crawl back to that douche-nozzle and openly trust him with her feelings and heart - while at the same time being wholly unwilling to give her the benefit of the doubt. Audrina reveals that she's pretty sure if Justin weren't in her life she'd be a lot happier, and Lauren's like, "Well d'yuh" and insists that happiness should always come first. Audrina says that not only has she not been happy lately, she's been feeling very torn up and lost...and knows how unhealthy it is to not trust anyone. Lauren points out that there are plenty of people who want the best for her, and assures her she can always trust her to want her to never be sad. The two then exit the bar together, hug goodbye, and agree to meet up again soon. 

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Recap: Inside the lush Epic Records lunch garden, a visibly peeved Audrina is telling Chiara that some rando named Dino (a close buddy of Justin's) told her the [fantastically made-up] tale that Justin and Lauren hooked when no MTV cameras were around to capture it on film. Apparently, when Audrina called Lauren to ask if there was any truth to what anyone in their right mind would just assume is a silly rumor that one or more Hills producers dreamed up in order to stir shit up among the reality show cast mates, Lauren haughtily told her she'd never do anything resembling hitting the sheets with her friend's boyfriend, and then abruptly hung up - then followed up with a text that expressed how perplexing it is that she'd accuse her of bumping uglies with a guy she's made so secret of the fact is utterly loathsome to her. Audrina attempted to corroborate this denial with a denial from Justin - but since he's not responding to her phone calls, she has no idea what to believe. Chiara tries to feign as much interest in this utter stoooopidity of a subplot as she can muster and urges Audrina to get to the bottom of The Unlikely Mystery of Whether or Not Lauren and Justin Hit the Sheets Together...and when Audrina starts sobbing, Chiara gives her a comforting hug.

An incredulous Lauren tells Lo how batshit banana-brain Audrina has been acting towards her, asking if she hooked up with Justin. She initially reacted to this lunacy by laughing out loud before scrunching her face perplexedly and replying, "Nooooooo." She further complains that Audrina is suddenly so cuckoo-nutty over this that she seriously truly genuinely thinks that she (Lauren) hooked up with the repugnant slob and subsequently called her 1) a bad friend, 2) a shady person, and 3) a slut. Lauren then sarcastically faux admits, "I couldn't resist his charm, and his manner, his impeccable hygiene. I was under the Justin Bobby spell." As Lo chuckles at a rumor so asinine that it never should have grown beyond the initial query phase, Lauren further complains that Audrina is calling their mutual friends (Brody, Frankie, et. al.) to spread the preposterous lie...and that unless Audrina apologizes for the fucktarded way she's been handling this idiotic situation, she's done.

Holly drops by Casa Pratt/Montag to pay a visit to Heidi, and Spencer mockingly calls her "little miss traitor" and tells her that Heidi isn't home...and even if she were, he doubts she'd be interested in seeing her traitorous sister. He further admonishes her for moving in with Lauren - a tidbit that a dismayed Heidi had to learn from Stephanie. Holly calls him out for not having Heidi's bests interests at heart (the way she and Stephanie do) and that he cares only about himself - then abruptly stops talking and asks him to pass along the message to Heidi that she stopped by. 

Audrina stops by Lauren's house as part of a second attempt to get to the bottom of The Unlikely Mystery of Whether or Not Lauren and Justin Hit the Sheets Together...and Lauren just silently glares at her and waits for her to initiate the conversation. When Audrina says that they're both going to need to converse, Lauren tells her she refuses to talk to her like a friend until she (Audrina) starts treating her (Lauren) like one, then asks why, in the name of all that is holy, she's acting like such a crazy person. Audrina comes right out and asks her - probably for the hundredth time - if she rode Justin's baloney pony or not, to which Lauren laughingly calls her insane. A humorless Audrina is all, "I'm dead serious", and Lauren disdainfully says she can believe whatever crudely invented bullcack she wants - but that she needs to stop talking shit about her to their mutual friends. 

Later, Audrina leaves Justin another voicemail message, instructing him to call her back so they can get to the bottom of the troubling rumor that she's been largely responsible for circulating among the Hills posse. She expresses how much it's freaking her out that he's been so mute on the issue...and that when she lets her imagination go wild and visualizes him and Lauren bumping uglies, it makes her sick to her stomach. 

Holly drops by Bolthouse to visit Heidi, and is surprised to see her working out of a cubicle. She further rubs it in by remarking, "I thought you had an office" ... so Heidi points at her former office and explains that she used to pretend to work in that much more luxurious space - before she became a drunken spectacle at a Bolthouse event and was subsequently faux fired, then re-structured into this little cubicle. Holly says she's been so incommunicado lately 'cause she felt hurt after getting steel-toed out of the apartment, and Heidi counters by telling her how hurt she is by the fact that she (Holly) is currently living with Lauren, her former bestie who wants nothing to do with her. Holly says she didn't feel as if she had any alternative, calls Spencer the primary source of her life problems, and argues that he should want every part of her life to be great. She asks Heidi if the cretin even bothered to tell her that she stopped by the apartment the other day, and Heidi just stares back at her mutely...so I'm guessing not.

That evening, Audrina meets up with a somber-faced Justin at Cobras & Matadors. She wastes little time before coming right out and asking if he and Lauren knocked boots, and he replies by asking her if she seriously truly genuinely thinks that after everything they've endured he'd hook up with her BFF. Audrina's all, "D'yuh..?" and says that Dino seemed so adamant about it...and Justin insists that it did unequivocally not happen, then chides her for the verbally abusive messages she's been leaving on his voicemail. When he admonishes her for her immaturity in perpetuating this kind of ridiculousness and negatively affecting various other people, she sadly says she's pretty sure she lost her friendship with Lauren over this. Justin pronounces the situation far too stupid for even him to chew on any further and mumbles, "You put something in your head and you think you really believe it - when it's really fictitious" before getting up and exiting the bar.

Lauren meets up with Stephanie to discuss The Unlikely Mystery of Whether or Not She and Justin Hit the Sheets Together...and Stephanie says she learned all about it when Audrina texted her the sordid details. When Lauren rails about how bonkers it is that Audrina would think that she'd actually want to sex it up with the human sloppy Joe, Stephanie points out that, in Audrina's defence, Justin has set a precedent of sleeping with her friends (ew). Lauren's like, "But me..? That's the part that sucks." She adds that she and Audrina are scheduled to meet up at Winston's later - but that she doesn't feel as though this rumor-fuelled schmozzle is something they can come back from, and that she has no desire to have a friend who doesn't trust her. Stephanie nods sympathetically and agrees, "This is soooooo nuts." That it is, Stephanie. That it is.

Heidi returns home, complains to Spencer that work isn't as fun as it used to be when she could pretend she had her own office...and Spencer responds by chuckling at her downgraded cubicle status. Heidi chides him for having zero ability to understand what a humiliating demotion feels, then asks if anything interesting happened while she was gone - e.g. did anyone stop by the apartment, perhaps? He's like, "Er, nope. Nothing comes to mind" and a dismayed Heidi mutters, "Really nice" and slinks off to the bedroom.

Audrina tells her sister Casey that her conversation with Justin did not go well, and that this whole contrived subplot keeps getting worse, the more she talks about it...but yet continues to endlessly talk about it. She says that Lauren looked at her as though she was the one who was hurt - but she (Audrina) is going to stubbornly dig in on not issuing an apology 'cause she didn't specifically accuse her of engaging in any disreputable hanky panky. Casey chews on those verbal gymnastics for a few seconds, then points out how pissed she'd be if someone repeatedly asked her if she did something as nauseatingly tawdry as voluntarily hooking up with Justin, then decrees (though it's unclear exactly to whom), "Everyone needs to grow up."

That evening, Audrina arrives at Winston's with a mysterious older brunette woman (who I can only assume is a Hills producer) ... and the two make a beeline over to where Lauren and Lo are sitting. Audrina points out to Lauren that she never made a direct accusation about her/Justin/hanky-panky-gate, to which Lauren argues that she's asked her several times about whether she and Justin did the horizontal mambo, and every time she replied, "Fuck no...obviously", which hasn't seemed adequate in convincing her that absolutely nothing happened. When she asks Audrina what she's ever done to make her think she's capable of something like this, Audrina weakly says that witnesses have alleged that she once flirted with Justin. Lauren stares back at her in disdainful incredulity and snappishly retorts that she'd rather kill herself than hook up with that unkempt vagabond. She then cries, "You know me!" and Audrina shakes her head as if to say, "Apparently not" ... and as she leaves with the table with the Hills producer, Lauren starts sobbing and is given a comforting hug by Lo.

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