Recap: Brent is meeting with Heidi and Kimberly to discuss their roles during the opening of the new SLS Hotel...and once that bit of faux business has been squared away, he asks them about their vacations. Kimberly says she went to Hawaii and had a fantastic time, and then Heidi shares that she went to Mexico and "kind of decided to get married". Brent responds with an incredulous, "Shut up!", and Heidi's like, "No really!" and says that she and Spencer got so drunk one night that they stumbled over to the nearest chapel to bind themselves together in holy matrimony. She adds that it's the craziest thing she's ever done, and Brent looks a mixture of befuddled and unimpressed, then shakes his head as he mutters, "Uh, all right..?" LOL. Lauren and Lo arrive at a hair salon to get dolled up for a black tie event they're attending that evening...which, not coincidentally, is the opening of the new SLS Hotel. Lauren remarks on how Heidi will prolly be at the event, and that it's likely going to be totally weird 'cause she's only ever interacted with Heidi as a BFF or an archenemy and has no idea how to be anything in between. Justin is riding his motorcycle with Audrina snuggled up behind him as the two motor to Viceroy, a fancy resort in Palm Springs. When they settle into their bungalow, Audrina gushes about how beautifully lavish it is, while Justin repeatedly calls her "dude" [which I find irksome] and heads straight for the bar. The two guzzle champagne straight from the bottle and agree that they looooove getting away without the rest of the Hills posse in tow 'cause it's a lot more drama free...but also far less interesting for viewers to watch. Darlene is over at Casa Pratt, sitting on the couch and glaring over at Spencer as the two wait for Heidi to return home. A few seconds later, Heidi makes an appearance and gives her mom a hello hug...and Darlene tears up when she explains that she decided she had to drop in unannounced in order to surprise her. She asks Heidi whassup, so Heidi recaps that during the previous episode, she and Spencer flew to Mexico, guzzled a whole lotta tequila, and decided to elope. A grim-faced Darlene clucks about how a lot of people, aka those who helped raise and mold her, have been hurt deeply by the elopement...then tears up as she complains about how excluded she feels from her own daughter's life. When she asks Heidi if the union is even legal, Heidi decrees, "We're going to make it legal", and to that end adds that she and Spencer are planning on sealing the deal at City Hall tomorrow. She tells her mom she'd like her support - but Darlene just scrunches her face in mute sadness. Back at the Viceroy, the dullards are lounging by the pool, bantering about whether or not the universe is in their favor, blah blah, and how comfortable Audrina feels with where they stand. Justin admits that he isn't able to connect with a lot of people - shocker - but that he does connect with her. As Audrina beams happily at that pronouncement, he produces a ring, calls her amaaaaaazing, and shakes her hand. Yes really. And no, this doesn't mean they're engaged. SLS Hotel opening! Heidi greets Holly and Stephanie...and a few seconds later, the three spot the arrival of Lauren and Lo. As they wave over at the twosome, Heidi figures that since Lauren didn't give her the middle finger, she's interpreting that as encouragement to go talk to her. She promptly ambles over to Lauren to ask if they can have a private[ly filmed] conversation...and Lauren tells her it's fine, and then the two exchange pleasantries and agree that this interaction [that was no doubt was forced upon them by the Hills' producers] is awkward as fuck. Heidi shares that she and Spencer just got faux married and that she's sooooo happy, and Lauren breezily tells her that that's all that matters. When Lauren asks her how all of this is going over with Darlene, Heidi tears up and says that her all-consuming relationship with the Chucky doll look-alike has taken a heavy toll on her ma, and that the things her ma has said are "just a little bit irreparable". Lauren gives her a quick hug and reminds her what an amaaaazing mom she has...and Heidi agrees about all the amaaaazing people in her life, conceding that the only thing missing is their friendship - something she's under no illusion about is going to change anytime soon. Lauren doesn't disagree, then shrugs and mumbles, "It just is what it is. It's not always fair." The two then pontificate about the general swiftness of time, after which Lauren makes it clear that if she ever really desperately needed anything, she's here for her. Heidi says she knows, gives Lauren a goodbye hug, and pretends she has to get back to work. The next morning, Spencer shows Darlene the footage of his/Heidi's faux Mexican wedding ceremony and taunts her with the reminder that he's leaving for the courthouse soon to make their unholy coupling legal. Darlene accuses him of manipulating Heidi into fake eloping while knowing that it wasn't the kind of big family wedding she's been dreaming about her whole life. Spencer snarks back that she needs to accept that Heidi is his [soon-to-be] wife, cheerily points out, "You'll be my mom!" and heads off to ready himself for his City Hall nuptials. Audrina tells Justin she's still sooooo happy that they're chillin' together in Palm Springs...and he responds by spooning her in the large bed. Snore. Spencer and Heidi arrive at the courthouse and meet up with Stephanie. After Heidi morosely heads off to the bathroom to "freshen up", Stephanie disapprovingly tells Spencer, "You can't do this." She points out that Heidi is forever going to regret and resent the fact that she wasn't even talking to her mom and sister when when they got married at City Hall, and that this entire subplot is completely ass backwards wrong. When Heidi returns from her trip to the ladies room and dejectedly says she's ready to press ahead with the civil ceremony, the three enter an empty courtroom, where they're greeted by Deputy Commissioner Donna Jones. She begins to officiate the ceremony, and Heidi dutifully repeats the vows...but when it's Spencer's turn, he pauses and asks Heidi if she really really wants to get married in such dull fashion, 'cause frankly it feels depressing as hell, and as though they're doing something sneaky and shady. Heidi tears up and tells the dodo that of course she wants her mom and family to share their special day. Spencer declares that he's suddenly determined to give her the wedding of her dreams...and when she meekly asks, "Really..?", he assures her he loves her sooooo much that he's totes willing to get hitched exactly the way she wants. The two then hug and exit the courtroom, leaving Deputy Commissioner Donna Jones staring after them, somewhat forlornly from her bench. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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Recap: Heidi and Spencer arrive at a swanky resort in Cabo San Lucas...and as they gaze out at the pretty blue water, Spencer pontificates about how their relationship seems to work best in complete isolation. Heidi concurs with that red flag of an assessment and says she definitely likes this surprise...and when Spencer promises that it's going to be the most memorable vacation of her life, she replies by cackling, "Buckle up, baby." Over at People's Revolution, Whitney gets a call from Alixe Boyer, informing her that she got the DVF job. Lauren gushes about how happy and proud of her she is, and Whitney says she's going to have to call her parents to break the unsurprising news and schedule a goodbye party asap. A bikini clad Heidi delivers a bottle of champagne to Spencer, awkwardly canoodles him, and says that the alcohol has helped her de-stress from all the tension their relationship has caused for their family and friends. Spencer says he's very much looking forward to "Heidi and Spencer time", and the two vow to not let outside forces get in the way of their bliss. Stephanie drops by Audrina's house, says hey to Justin (who happens to be over at the time), and asks Audrina if she's talked to Heidi lately. When Audrina's like, "Mmm, no", Stephanie says that no one seems to know where Heidi and Spencer disappeared to. Justin cheekily suggests, "You should put up some signs" [or ask MTV if, by chance, they sent a camera crew to film the pair in Cabo]. While guzzling tequila, Heidi drunkenly cheers, "¡Arriba!" - LOL - which somehow prompts Spencer to suggest that they run off together and get married in secret. Heidi replies with, "¡Loco en la cabeza!" - but Spencer insists that he's totally serious, then summons the waiter to ask for more tequila shots. Lauren, Lo, and Audrina arrive at Whitney's goodbye party, where her tearful parents toast her budding career in the fashion biz, while also keeping their fingers crossed that she'll be able to return to Los Angeles in the foreseeable future. Audrina, meanwhile, does her best to get Lauren and Lo interested in The Mysterious Disappearance of Heidi and Spencer - but since neither could give the tiniest of rat's asses about what Heidi and/or Spencer are up to, they react by shrugging disinterestedly. Back in Cabo, Spencer tells Heidi he's very serious about them getting secretly married, mostly 'cause he wants their relationship "to go somewhere". Heidi calls the idea "so crazy" - but also looks as though she's warming up to the prospect of becoming the wife of a Chucky doll lookalike. Spencer creepily calls her his angel, and that he mostly wants to marry her in order to keep her away from the rest of the world...'cause, yeah, that's totally healthy and normal. Heidi naturally decides to throw all good sense to the wind and chirps, "Let's just go do it!" When the two start going at it, Spencer chucklingly tells her to save something for the honeymoon, to which Heidi saucily replies, "I'll show you what a wife does." Ew. Lauren and Whitney get together for one last beverage summit at Lemonade. Whitney says she's nervous about making the move to New York, and wonders aloud how in blazes the process of transporting groceries to her home works: cab? bicycle? [spoiler: just carry your food home in a grocery bag, Whit]. She laments not knowing very many people in the Big Apple...and when Lauren assures her she'll make new, good friends, Whitney touchingly replies, "No one like you, though." She says it feels as though they've grown up together...and then the two chucklingly reminisce about their first day at Teen Vogue, when two of the magazine's stylists made fun of Whitney's "matchy matchy" get-up while needlessly altering their outfits so that they looked good for Lisa Love. Lauren tearfully says she never expected to get such a good friend out of that internship, and Whitney agrees that they were lucky to have found each other. After shedding a few more tears, the two get up, hug goodbye, and promise to stay in touch. The next morning, Heidi and Spencer dreamily call each other Mrs. and Mr. Pratt [a TV trope I really can't stand] ... and Spencer says he looooooves saying that and that he had planned their secret wedding at the time he booked this vacation. The two then watch footage of the aftermath of their secret [but also non-legally binding] ceremony on a tiny video camera screen (not sure why it was impossible to treat viewers to a more full-sized flashback of the momentous event), where the two can be seen milling in front of a chapel, drinking champagne and flashing their wedding bands. Heidi calls it romantic and "on a whim" - but admits that her mother is going to have a conniption. When Spencer suggests she simply not tell her, Heidi points out that a secret faux marriage is not something you can really hide for very long...even though I'm pretty sure that a person could probably do so indefinitely. Spencer rightly predicts that, yep, Darlene is definitely going to have some serious issues with the two of them pretending to wed, and Heidi stares at herself in the mirror with a morose expression on her poutish face. Whitney is headed to LAX - at the same time Heidi and Spencer are departing Cabo. A few seconds later, Whitney arrives at the airport and wistfully glances around at Los Angeles one last time. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Kelly summons Whitney to her attic office at People's Revolution to tell her that she recently ran into Alixe Boyer, who told her that the Diane von Furstenburg operation (DVF) is looking for someone to do PR in-house. Kelly further informs Whitney that she took it upon herself to set her up for a job interview in a couple of days 'cause of the 'once in a lifetime opportunity' nature of this opening. Whitney stares back at her like a deer caught in headlights, admits that she finds this development extremely overwhelming, but then agrees that - yep - she haaaaaas to do it. While over at Audrina's new house, Lauren asks how the whole Justin thing is going, and Audrina says they've recently started talking again and reconfirms her general idiocy when she declares, "I still want it!" Lauren screeches, "Noooooo!!" [sorry, no, that was me] before swiftly changing the subject to her parents, who have decided to sell their luxury Laguna Beach house. She sadly adds that she and Lo are headed over there later this episode to pack up her bedroom, and Audrina says that no longer having a childhood home to go back to is akin to growing up. Stephanie meets up with Spencer at a taco place and moans once again about how she doesn't know what do doooooooo about Cameron. She says that their relationship has turned into a stupidly toxic rollercoaster of breaking up, getting back together, and repeating the cycle. Spencer remarks that Cameron is a dullard hardly worth dating...and when Stephanie complains that she doesn't know what to doooooooo with herself, he mumblingly suggests, "Go be a nun. Join, like, a nun's thing." LOL. He adds that he's pretty sure she could probably do a whole lot better than Cameron, and this prompts Stephanie to perk up and look contemplative. Back at People's Revolution, Whitney tells Lauren about her job interview with DVF, and Lauren's like, "OMG!", but then looks sad when it dawns on her that working at DVF will translate to Whitney moving to New York. Whitney says she hopes that while she's in New York for the interview she'll have a few seconds to canoodle with Jay...and when Lauren exclaims, "Dream boy! Dream job!", Whitney says she's determined that her move to New York will be purely for the job and not for any other reason. Stephanie and Cameron meet up with Spencer and Heidi at the Falcon Restaurant & Lounge, and Spencer's all, "Wuh?" and tells Cameron he assumed that he and Stephanie had broken up. Again. Cameron woodenly says that he and Stephanie have decided to start over...and Stephanie looks visibly anguished by that pronouncement. Lauren and Lo arrive at the Conrads' fantabulous Laguna Beach house while Ma and Pa Conrad are packing up some stuff in their kitchen. They greet the girls, explain to Lo that since their kids have mostly moved out they no longer have the need for such a gargantuan house, and thank her for being a good friend who's willing to help their daughter pack up her bedroom. Whitney arrives at DVF headquarters and meets with Alixe Boyer, whose job title is VP, Global Image Director. Sounds intense. Whitney describes all of the stylingk work she's been doing at People's Revolution since Season 3, says she could start at DFV as their new Image Coordinator as soon as the Hills spin-off camera crew is ready to start filming, and that she's super serious about a career in the glamorous fashion industry. Stephanie summons Cameron over to her apartment to inform him that their dull-as-fuck relationship is no longer tenable and that she's officially cutting him loose. Cameron weakly insists that all they need to do to salvage this not-worth-salvaging mess is to compromise and work things out - but Stephanie argues that she doesn't think there's much good in what they have, and that she deserves better. She tears up and says she wants a guy who makes her happy, and Cameron just kind of shrugs and says, "If that's what you want, that's what you need" and just stares back at her like a lobotomized automaton. Back at Laguna Beach, Lauren is reading through her past diary entries, chuckling at the monstrous size of her first cell phone, and giggling at her last will and testament...in which she decreed that she wants to be buried in her homecoming dress with the crown atop her coffin. LOL. She then expresses her glumness about never being able to visit this house again, and that she somehow assumed her parents would want to live here forever. Back in New York, Jay - who's currently being tagged by MTV as 'Whitney's crush' - is waiting outside DVF headquarters so he can hug Whitney hello and exchange pleasantries while getting all touchy-feely. Whitney tells him she expects to hear about the job imminently, and is eager to get outa L.A. and start living her New York adventure. She promises that they'll talk soon, then hops into a waiting cab and heads to the airport. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Lauren tells Lo she's still bummed about Audrina accusing her of doing the nasty with Justin...and that, in essence, his shitty treatment of Audrina is a big part of why they're even having this conversation right now. Lo points out that being accused of something this heinous can only stem from a complete lack of trust, and Lauren concurs and says that she's going to need Audrina to express genuine contriteness if she expects to be forgiven. Over at Epic Records, Audrina tells Chiara about her contentious encounter with Lauren at Winston's last night, and that Lauren accused her of humiliating her without any tangible evidence of wrongdoing. She also recaps that when she finally met up with Justin, he admonished her for all of the bitchy voicemail messages and texts she sent him and then abruptly exited the bar...and they haven't spoken since. Audrina admits that she now believes nothing actually happened between Lauren and Justin, and that she wishes she hadn't spent much of the previous episode perpetrating such an implausible rumor, and wishes they go back to the way everything was, two short episodes ago. Chiara reacts to this contrived lunacy by shaking her head in dismay. Spencer drops by Stephanie's apartment to pressure her into tagging along to Nana's place in Huntington Beach when he and Heidi visit her tomorrow. Stephanie whines that she's sooooo busy with school and work and can't easily do it on a weekday - but Spencer strongly urges her to carve out some time to check in with Nana and do whatever it takes to get herself back into the eighty-four year old's good graces. While frolicking in Lauren's pool, Brody comes right out and asks, "Why are you banging Justin-Bobby?", adding that that rumor is some the craziest shit he's ever heard. Lauren complains about the embarrassment of people asking her about it and wonders aloud when exactly Audrina took a turn into cuckoo-town. Brody tells her that people inexplicably change, and advises her to cut Audrina from the Hills posse. Audrina tells her sister Casey that Justin still isn't talking to her, and Casey kind of grins at that silver lining and says she totally gets why Lauren would be so upset, and urges her to apologize to Lauren for making such wild, baseless accusations. Spencer, Heidi, and Stephanie arrive at Nana's house in Huntington Beach and greet Nana hello...and Spencer and Heidi smugly point out how often they drop by - unlike Stephanie, who's been dickishly ignoring her kindly grandparent. While enjoying refreshments on the patio, Nana asks Stephanie what's new, and Spencer interjects and tattles about how Stephanie has become besties with "the person that was talking mean about poor, sweet Heidi". Nana clucks, "Oh dear" ... and when Spencer and Stephanie start bickering, Nana snaps at them to shut it, 'cause she much prefers it when everyone is happy and gets along. Spencer reacts by calling Stephanie out for not visiting Nana frequently enough, prompting Stephanie to make special plans to hang out with Nana for much of the following day. At People's Revolution, Lauren tells Whitney that Audrina wants them to meet up and hopefully make peace. She adds that she's not wild about the idea of continuing to discuss the rumor of her getting nailed by Justin - but Whitney points out that maybe Audrina will have something more worthwhile to say than the verbal garbage she blurted out at Winston's the other night. Lauren mulls that over while staring contemplatively into space. Stephanie and Nana stroll along Santa Monica Beach before taking a rest on a park bench, and Nana remarks on how much she likes the two of them having their own private time. Stephanie remarks on how whenever she (Nana) comes into town, she tends to only visit Spencer and Heidi, and Nana says that in her defence it's not her intention to exclude her. Stephanie says that things between herself and Spencer always seem to devolve into a competition, and that he likes having the spotlight on himself (e.g. as evidenced by the way he finagled himself into become a regular Hills cast mate), and Nana just kind of shrugs and says she mostly judges him by the kind manner he treats her. Stephanie argues that if she knew what he was really like, she wouldn't like him very much, to which Nana unhelpfully replies, "Life is sometimes a bucket of worms and you don't know what to do with them." Stephanie chuckles and says that that's how she feels about Spencer, and doesn't get why he's always so mean to her...and Nana just advises her to give him a chance to mature. Over at Bond Street, Audrina admits to Lauren that her accusations about hooking up with Justin have created one hot mess for her on camera Hills friendships, and Lauren concurs that, yep, she definitely accused her of some pretty crazy shit and that common sense should have dictated that she'd never hook up with her boyfriend, much less a disheveled hobo who can barely bring himself to commit to daily hygiene. Audrina sheepishly says she was sooooo sure that Dino was telling the truth - but that she now regrets not trusting her and/or Justin. Lauren laughingly retorts, "I get why you didn't trust Justin", then says she's watched her repeatedly crawl back to that douche-nozzle and openly trust him with her feelings and heart - while at the same time being wholly unwilling to give her the benefit of the doubt. Audrina reveals that she's pretty sure if Justin weren't in her life she'd be a lot happier, and Lauren's like, "Well d'yuh" and insists that happiness should always come first. Audrina says that not only has she not been happy lately, she's been feeling very torn up and lost...and knows how unhealthy it is to not trust anyone. Lauren points out that there are plenty of people who want the best for her, and assures her she can always trust her to want her to never be sad. The two then exit the bar together, hug goodbye, and agree to meet up again soon. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Inside the lush Epic Records lunch garden, a visibly peeved Audrina is telling Chiara that some rando named Dino (a close buddy of Justin's) told her the [fantastically made-up] tale that Justin and Lauren hooked when no MTV cameras were around to capture it on film. Apparently, when Audrina called Lauren to ask if there was any truth to what anyone in their right mind would just assume is a silly rumor that one or more Hills producers dreamed up in order to stir shit up among the reality show cast mates, Lauren haughtily told her she'd never do anything resembling hitting the sheets with her friend's boyfriend, and then abruptly hung up - then followed up with a text that expressed how perplexing it is that she'd accuse her of bumping uglies with a guy she's made so secret of the fact is utterly loathsome to her. Audrina attempted to corroborate this denial with a denial from Justin - but since he's not responding to her phone calls, she has no idea what to believe. Chiara tries to feign as much interest in this utter stoooopidity of a subplot as she can muster and urges Audrina to get to the bottom of The Unlikely Mystery of Whether or Not Lauren and Justin Hit the Sheets Together...and when Audrina starts sobbing, Chiara gives her a comforting hug. An incredulous Lauren tells Lo how batshit banana-brain Audrina has been acting towards her, asking if she hooked up with Justin. She initially reacted to this lunacy by laughing out loud before scrunching her face perplexedly and replying, "Nooooooo." She further complains that Audrina is suddenly so cuckoo-nutty over this that she seriously truly genuinely thinks that she (Lauren) hooked up with the repugnant slob and subsequently called her 1) a bad friend, 2) a shady person, and 3) a slut. Lauren then sarcastically faux admits, "I couldn't resist his charm, and his manner, his impeccable hygiene. I was under the Justin Bobby spell." As Lo chuckles at a rumor so asinine that it never should have grown beyond the initial query phase, Lauren further complains that Audrina is calling their mutual friends (Brody, Frankie, et. al.) to spread the preposterous lie...and that unless Audrina apologizes for the fucktarded way she's been handling this idiotic situation, she's done. Holly drops by Casa Pratt/Montag to pay a visit to Heidi, and Spencer mockingly calls her "little miss traitor" and tells her that Heidi isn't home...and even if she were, he doubts she'd be interested in seeing her traitorous sister. He further admonishes her for moving in with Lauren - a tidbit that a dismayed Heidi had to learn from Stephanie. Holly calls him out for not having Heidi's bests interests at heart (the way she and Stephanie do) and that he cares only about himself - then abruptly stops talking and asks him to pass along the message to Heidi that she stopped by. Audrina stops by Lauren's house as part of a second attempt to get to the bottom of The Unlikely Mystery of Whether or Not Lauren and Justin Hit the Sheets Together...and Lauren just silently glares at her and waits for her to initiate the conversation. When Audrina says that they're both going to need to converse, Lauren tells her she refuses to talk to her like a friend until she (Audrina) starts treating her (Lauren) like one, then asks why, in the name of all that is holy, she's acting like such a crazy person. Audrina comes right out and asks her - probably for the hundredth time - if she rode Justin's baloney pony or not, to which Lauren laughingly calls her insane. A humorless Audrina is all, "I'm dead serious", and Lauren disdainfully says she can believe whatever crudely invented bullcack she wants - but that she needs to stop talking shit about her to their mutual friends. Later, Audrina leaves Justin another voicemail message, instructing him to call her back so they can get to the bottom of the troubling rumor that she's been largely responsible for circulating among the Hills posse. She expresses how much it's freaking her out that he's been so mute on the issue...and that when she lets her imagination go wild and visualizes him and Lauren bumping uglies, it makes her sick to her stomach. Holly drops by Bolthouse to visit Heidi, and is surprised to see her working out of a cubicle. She further rubs it in by remarking, "I thought you had an office" ... so Heidi points at her former office and explains that she used to pretend to work in that much more luxurious space - before she became a drunken spectacle at a Bolthouse event and was subsequently faux fired, then re-structured into this little cubicle. Holly says she's been so incommunicado lately 'cause she felt hurt after getting steel-toed out of the apartment, and Heidi counters by telling her how hurt she is by the fact that she (Holly) is currently living with Lauren, her former bestie who wants nothing to do with her. Holly says she didn't feel as if she had any alternative, calls Spencer the primary source of her life problems, and argues that he should want every part of her life to be great. She asks Heidi if the cretin even bothered to tell her that she stopped by the apartment the other day, and Heidi just stares back at her mutely...so I'm guessing not. That evening, Audrina meets up with a somber-faced Justin at Cobras & Matadors. She wastes little time before coming right out and asking if he and Lauren knocked boots, and he replies by asking her if she seriously truly genuinely thinks that after everything they've endured he'd hook up with her BFF. Audrina's all, "D'yuh..?" and says that Dino seemed so adamant about it...and Justin insists that it did unequivocally not happen, then chides her for the verbally abusive messages she's been leaving on his voicemail. When he admonishes her for her immaturity in perpetuating this kind of ridiculousness and negatively affecting various other people, she sadly says she's pretty sure she lost her friendship with Lauren over this. Justin pronounces the situation far too stupid for even him to chew on any further and mumbles, "You put something in your head and you think you really believe it - when it's really fictitious" before getting up and exiting the bar. Lauren meets up with Stephanie to discuss The Unlikely Mystery of Whether or Not She and Justin Hit the Sheets Together...and Stephanie says she learned all about it when Audrina texted her the sordid details. When Lauren rails about how bonkers it is that Audrina would think that she'd actually want to sex it up with the human sloppy Joe, Stephanie points out that, in Audrina's defence, Justin has set a precedent of sleeping with her friends (ew). Lauren's like, "But me..? That's the part that sucks." She adds that she and Audrina are scheduled to meet up at Winston's later - but that she doesn't feel as though this rumor-fuelled schmozzle is something they can come back from, and that she has no desire to have a friend who doesn't trust her. Stephanie nods sympathetically and agrees, "This is soooooo nuts." That it is, Stephanie. That it is. Heidi returns home, complains to Spencer that work isn't as fun as it used to be when she could pretend she had her own office...and Spencer responds by chuckling at her downgraded cubicle status. Heidi chides him for having zero ability to understand what a humiliating demotion feels, then asks if anything interesting happened while she was gone - e.g. did anyone stop by the apartment, perhaps? He's like, "Er, nope. Nothing comes to mind" and a dismayed Heidi mutters, "Really nice" and slinks off to the bedroom. Audrina tells her sister Casey that her conversation with Justin did not go well, and that this whole contrived subplot keeps getting worse, the more she talks about it...but yet continues to endlessly talk about it. She says that Lauren looked at her as though she was the one who was hurt - but she (Audrina) is going to stubbornly dig in on not issuing an apology 'cause she didn't specifically accuse her of engaging in any disreputable hanky panky. Casey chews on those verbal gymnastics for a few seconds, then points out how pissed she'd be if someone repeatedly asked her if she did something as nauseatingly tawdry as voluntarily hooking up with Justin, then decrees (though it's unclear exactly to whom), "Everyone needs to grow up." That evening, Audrina arrives at Winston's with a mysterious older brunette woman (who I can only assume is a Hills producer) ... and the two make a beeline over to where Lauren and Lo are sitting. Audrina points out to Lauren that she never made a direct accusation about her/Justin/hanky-panky-gate, to which Lauren argues that she's asked her several times about whether she and Justin did the horizontal mambo, and every time she replied, "Fuck no...obviously", which hasn't seemed adequate in convincing her that absolutely nothing happened. When she asks Audrina what she's ever done to make her think she's capable of something like this, Audrina weakly says that witnesses have alleged that she once flirted with Justin. Lauren stares back at her in disdainful incredulity and snappishly retorts that she'd rather kill herself than hook up with that unkempt vagabond. She then cries, "You know me!" and Audrina shakes her head as if to say, "Apparently not" ... and as she leaves with the table with the Hills producer, Lauren starts sobbing and is given a comforting hug by Lo. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: While "working" at People's Revolution, Whitney tells Lauren that she and Jay have been keeping in touch, and gushes about how she can't wait to jet back to New York to see him again. Lauren shares that Holly is currently crashing at her/Lo's house, and that she's mildly concerned about how horribly Heidi/Spencer are going to treat their family member now that she's cohabitating with "the enemy". Whitney says they really have no right to object to where Holly lives, given that they kicked her out of their apartment...then remarks on what a sweet girl Holly is, characterizing her "like Heidi - but without Spencer" and Lauren chews on that description for a few seconds before wistfully sighing. While ambling around Venice Beach, Justin - who's (not uncharacteristically) dressed like a disheveled homeless man - waxes poetic at Audrina about how much more he loooooves it here than he does the craziness of Hollywood, adding, "There's something zen-ful about it." He suggests they vacation in Mexico together so he can teach her how to surf, and Audrina says she definitely likes that idea, and pats herself on the back for making the decision to move into her own house and permanently squash the tension that had been brewing with Lauren and Lo. Heidi is glumly reorganizing her closet when Spencer hovers in the doorway and asks her if she wants to go to the movies. She tells him she's not in the mood and blames him for her faux firing from Bolthouse...to which he points out that no one held a gun to her head and forced her to get drunk at a work-related event. Heidi says she's hopeful that Sam will pretend to rehire her, then grumbles about how additionally unhappy she is about her recent falling out with Holly. Spencer says he's not upset about that in the least 'cause Holly's a grown woman and needed evicting, then chides Heidi for choosing to bellyache all day instead of enjoying life. That evening at Winston's, Audrina tells Lauren she really really wants to show her her new place...then gabbles about how thrilled she is that Justin seems very into the idea of the two of them hanging out more, and that he's reached the age/maturity level (?) of being over 'the whole Hollywood partying' thing. She says she connects with him more than any other guy she's ever hooked up with, and Lauren wankingly agrees that the aloof slob is her "number one". The next day, Casey drops by Audrina's new house to check on the decorating/furnishing progress. A blissful Audrina tells her that Justin has been hanging out here a lot, keeps a toothbrush in the bathroom (squeal!), and has promised to teach her how to surf in Mexico. Casey looks less than impressed by all the Justin talk and asks if he still does the whole 'disappear for a week and not return your phone calls or texts' thing. Audrina admits that, yeah, he does - but that she chooses to not dwell on his overall lack of consideration towards her. Casey, who seems wholly unable to hide her incredulity at her sister's insistence on dating such an undeserving boor, says it really seems as though this quasi-relationship is mostly at his convenience, to which Audrina replies, "I really feel like he's been making more of an effort and hanging out" ... then just kind of throws up her hands and says, "What can I say? I looove him." Casey dismayingly shrugs as she half-heartedly murmurs, "As long as you're happy." Heidi arrives at Bolthouse for a one-on-one with Sam, who makes an earnest effort in front of the MTV cameras to look as though he's being interrupted during an extremely busy workday. Sam tells Heidi that Brent asked him to talk to her, then shakes his head incredulously as he asks what her deal is...and when Heidi tries to clarify if he's specifically referring to her inexplicable coupling with Spencer, he stares at her even more incredulously (LOL) and replies, "The Spencer thing I don't even get. But that's your problem." Heidi contritely says she looooooves all things Bolthouse, and fully concedes that there was no excuse for her drunkenness at XIV the other night. Sam pretends to seriously mull over her apology, remarks on how happy Brent has been with her pretend work, and manages to keep a straight face as he says, "You seem like a very smart girl." He ultimately decides to throw her a bone by assigning her to work on a [what I can only assume is a fictional] hotel - on a faux trial basis. He lays out two conditions..
Over at FIDM, Lauren informs Stephanie that Holly is now crashing at her place, and Stephanie looks surprised by that and murmurs, "Oh my God.." as she wonders aloud the problems this new living arrangement is going to further exacerbate between Holly and Heidi. Lauren just kind of shrugs and makes it clear that she couldn't give even the tiniest of shits about how negatively it's going to affect Heidi. That evening, Holly tells Lauren and Lo that Heidi was egged on by Spencer (who was egged on by Stephanie) to kick her out of the apartment. Holly laments the deterioration of her relationship with her sister/former BFF...and when Lo asks her if Spencer was outright mean to her, she replies, "Oh, like openly and unabashedly." A dismayed Lauren shakes her head at that and remarks on how Spencer seems to drive away everyone who cares about Heidi. Stephanie drops by Casa Pratt/Montag to break the news to Heidi and Spencer that Holly is now living with Lauren and Lo...and when a puzzled looking Heidi asks why Lauren would extend that kind of invitation to her sister, Stephanie chucklingly replies, "'Cause Holly was homeless. Who's going to say no to a homeless person?" Spencer grumbles that he wouldn't put it past Darlene (aka Stalker Mom) to have orchestrated the whole thing [despite the nonsensicalness of that theory], then declares it an act of karma that Lauren now has "the mooch of the century" living in her house. Heidi sadly wonders when or if she'll ever talk to her sister again and admonishes Spencer for having zero empathy 'bout that...and when he reacts by wholeheartedly agreeing with that second thing, she calls him a rude, insensitive ass and suggests that maybe he's been the problem all along. Well d'yuh. While out for dinner at Medusa, Justin gifts Audrina a pretty white shirt he witnessed her admiring in a boutique and mumbles, "I can be good when I wanna be." He further mumbles that she should know she's loved, adding, "It's all about growing up, living and learning" ... and Audrina reacts by beaming back at him happily. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Kelly Cutrone calls the People's Revolution's L.A. office (from the New York office) to inform everyone that they booked more fashion shows than originally expected, and she therefore needs Whitney, Lauren, and the superfluous MTV camera crew to jet across the country asap to help out with all the added styling and model line-ups. After the conference call, Whitney tells Lauren that she and Alex have been in touch by phone and text, then gushes about how super excited she is to return to the Big Apple. The next day in New York, Kelly is barking at her People's Revolution staff about how they should manage non-registrants who arrive at the shows and demand to get in. A few seconds later, Lauren and Whitney arrive, get snarled at by Kelly for not wearing black as is the law at People's Revolution, and are instructed to head over to Andrew Buckler's studio stat to help style the male models. Kelly tells Whitney that Alex will be walking in the show and that Lauren is likely going to see him in his underwear...and Whitney and Lauren gigglingly assure her they're fine with it [mostly 'cause - spoiler - Whitney is just not that into him and could give a fuck about who sees him nearly naked]. Lauren and Whitney rush over to Studio Buckler, where a bevy of muscular young men are in various stages of undress. Whitney greets Alex with a hello hug, and then she and Lauren meet Adam, a new model friend who will be somewhat integral to the first season of the Hills' spin-off show: The City. Back in L.A., a mopey Heidi explains to Spencer that she's in such a glum mood 'cause she just got fired from a pretend job she loved - all because she acted like a drunken idiot in front of her boss's boss. Spencer unhelpfully retorts by mumbling that the XIV party needed an infusion of excitement, then suggests they go out tonight to get her mind off of her faux firing. Heidi mulls that over and says she might be up for a night out on the town - but in the meantime is off to update her resume...for what actual purpose, I can't imagine. Backstage at the Andrew Buckler show, Whitney tells Adam that she and Lauren are headed back to L.A. first thing in the morning...and he looks disappointed for a few seconds, then invites them to hang at his restaurant later, where his friend Jay and his band will be performing (squeal!). As Alex unhappily eavesdrops on the conversation, Kelly orders Whitney and Lauren to stop socializing and get the models in line for the show...and after the show wraps an hour or so later, Whitney covertly tells Lauren that Alex is nice - but that the dude's way too nervous for her liking. Later, Lauren and Whitney arrive at Adam's restaurant (Il Bastardo), where a shaggy-haired, sweat-drenched Jay is performing with his band. As Whitney stares in smitten fascination at Jay, Alex arrives at the restaurant and makes a beeline over to where she's sitting. Whitney lamely tells him she doesn't want to abandon Lauren...so he agrees to awkwardly loiter across the room so that she can be totally unfettered for when Jay is done performing. A few seconds later, Jay wanders over and is introduced to Whitney and Lauren...and a few minutes later, when he's safely out of hearing range, Whitney and Lauren cackle over the Aussie's hotness while Alex repeatedly glares over, his facial expression a combination of confusion and sourpussish dismay. Heidi and Spencer attend a Bolthouse launch party...and when Spencer sees Brent across the club, the producers egg him on to saunter over and force Brent into a one-on-one discussion about the tragic nature of Heidi's faux firing. Spencer tells Brent he feels soooo bad about Heidi getting sacked and was wondering if he wouldn't mind re-hiring her, and Brent just stares back at him incredulously and calls him out for causing problems everywhere he goes. He then says he'd rather speak directly to Heidi about reinstating her in her pretend job, and warns that he doesn't want to see him at his events ever again. Whitney summons the courage to buy Jay a shot o' liquor...and then the two exchange flirty banter while an irked Alex stares over at them as though he truly has no clue that his next move should be to just quietly exit Il Bastardo so he can stop embarrassing himself. As Jay asks Whitney what she thinks about the two of them spending the rest of the evening together, Alex mumbles to one of his friends, "I'm really losing steam with this whole thing, you know?" Mmmmm...yep. We know. Whitney gushes to Lauren about how adorable Jay is, and that despite her general demureness when it comes to guys, she really really wants to spend the rest of the evening basking in his adorableness. Lauren urges her to go for it, not least 'cause they're only here for one night...and across the room, Alex continues to glare haplessly in her direction. Heidi apologizes to Brent for being subjected to a confrontation with Spencer, and Brent responds by getting his general dislike of Spencer off of his chest by replying, "Your boyfriend's a nightmare. What's wrong with him?" LOL. He further chides Heidi for letting scumbags like that have so much influence over her life...to which Heidi weakly insists that Spencer isn't a bad person, then expresses deep regret about guzzling so much tequila at a work-related event that she got fired for public drunkenness, and begs for another chance to work at Bolthouse. Brent pretends to chew on that possibility for a few seconds, and reluctantly agrees to talk to Sam about it. Back at Il Bastardo, Alex musters the courage to approach Whitney to tell her he'll be waiting at a nearby table whenever she has a minute [at never o'clock] ... and when Jay asks Whitney what that was all about, she grimaces and says that basically Alex is just some rando she barely went out with once who can't seem to take a damn hint. Jay suggests they leave right now and urges her to not give a shit about what Alex thinks. Whitney chucklingly leaves the restaurant with Jay...and the two walk down the street arm in arm while Alex stares pissily into space when he's informed by one of his friends that his gal just exited Il Bastardo with the charismatic Aussie. Bastarda! Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Audrina breaks the news to Lauren that she just purchased a home and is going to be moving out of the pool house this weekend. As Lauren processes this unexpected development, Audrina gabbles about how excited she is about her new pad, and is keeping her fingers crossed that Justin will want to come over a lot so that they can spend lots and lots of time together. At Club XIV, Heidi and Kimberly meet with Sam and Brent to discuss the club's upcoming opening. When Sam finds out that Heidi is going to be the pretend party coordinator while the MTV cameras are rolling, he laughingly asks her if she's actually going to be there, snidely adding, "I remember last time" - a fun shout-out to Heidi's decision to abruptly bail on Bolthouse's pretend business meetings in Vegas during the Season 3 finale. While sauntering around the club, Heidi tells Kimberly she'd really like to invite Spencer, Stephanie, and Audrina to the opening party...and when Kimberly winces, mumbles "I dunno", and warns that it's going to be a night of "huge high stress" for Brent and Sam, Heidi ignores her completely and says she doesn't see the harm in adding some additional Hills peeps to the guest list. At People's Revolution, meanwhile, Lauren tells Whitney that Audrina is planning to move out, and that she hopes she's doing it for the right reasons, meaning not having the expectation that she'll be cohabitating there with Justin. Whitney reacts to the news by looking as dismayingly surprised as she can muster, then makes a dramatic wince-y face. While out for drinks, Audrina tells Justin about her cute new house, and that she can't wait to show it to him. When the producers prompt him to ask her what else is on her mind, she comes right out and asks him if he wants to move in with her...and after an awkward pause, he contorts his face into a yeech expression and mumbles, "Let it happen, and see what happens." Ouch. Audrina gives her sister Casey a tour of her new house and excitedly shares that she wants to decorate it with candles and white flowy things that give off a romantic vibe...and adds that she hopes Justin will be over a lot so they can "rekindle that flame again". Casey looks a tad alarmed by that admission and dismayingly asks, "You bought this for Audrina, right? Not so Audrina and Justin could..." and lets her voice trail off as Audrina retorts with a mute shrug. Oh dear. Lo tells Lauren she feels bad that roommating with Audrina didn't turn out the way they'd all hoped - then chuckles about Justin and the Justin-Bobby nickname she's responsible for cementing in viewers' brains back in Season 3's 'Big Girls Don't Cry' episode. Lauren pronounces that she's determined to remain good friends with Audrina, despite her abrupt change of address. XIV opening! Heidi and Kimberly agree that the event is running smoothly - just as the Hills peeps arrive (Spencer, Stephanie, Audrina, Justin and Casey). The peeps toast Audrina and her new house...and when Spencer asks Justin if he plan to move in, he reacts by staring mutely into space. An inebriated Heidi cackles, "I'm sooooo wasted!" - just as the camera pans over to an agitated Sam, who wanders over to Heidi and snarlingly asks, "Are we still working here tonight?" Heidi somehow refrains from reminding him that she's only been pretending to work at Bolthouse, pretty much from the get go, and sassily counters, "Are you?", and Sam does his best to contort his face into a peeved expression as he brusquely orders her and Kimberly to get back to work. The next morning at FIDM, Lauren tells Stephanie about Audrina's plans to move out, and Stephanie says she knows all about it 'cause she was just hanging with Audrina at a Bolthouse party last night. When she remarks that Heidi and Spencer were also in attendance, Lauren remarks that she doesn't think Audrina actually likes Spencer. Stephanie breezily replies that Spencer really likes Justin, then boldly declares, "So that might be the new crew", prompting Lauren to stare back at her in perplexed bewilderment at the notion of a new Hills crew assembling itself without her knowledge and/or general approval. Over at Bolthouse, Brent summons Kimberly to his office so he can grill her about whether or not she and Heidi were boozing it up at XIV last night. Kimberly nervously assures him that she remained 100% sober out of respect for him...so then Brent pretends that Sam is super pissed off about Heidi being drunk during the opening. He asks Kimberly to send in Heidi, who apologizes for hitting the tequila harder than she prolly should have, and explains that she assumed once the party was running smoothly, it wouldn't be a big deal to get completely hammered. Brent makes it clear it is a big deal, and that it also wasn't OK to invite Spencer et. al. He lays it on thick about how disappointed in her he is, then barks, "Get your bag, get your stuff. I'm firing you." Heidi pretends to look shell-shocked at losing her pretend job and apologizes for her drunken misdeeds before sauntering back to her cubicle, retrieving her purse, and making a break for the nearest exit. At the pool house, Audrina is packing up the remainder of her stuff in boxes while the movers transport her furniture into their truck. Lauren drops by to sadly remark that this move is happening soooo fast, and Audrina shows her a framed photo of herself and Justin and says she really really wants to get him to help her unpack in her new place. Lauren disinterestedly mumbles, "Ya gotta" ... and then the two hug goodbye and wank each other about how they've each been each other's person for the last two years. In the next scene, Lo also hugs Audrina goodbye and wishes her well...and after Audrina heads off to her car, Lauren admits to Lo that she's a tad sad that their friend has decided to move on. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Chiara informs Audrina that later in the episode they're going to be assigned the task of sitting in a music studio with Brandy, and Audrina grins happily and coos about how much she loooooves being in a studio and forgetting about the rest of the world. She then complains about how relentlessly Justin bugged her during much of last episode's Cabo vacay, adding how annoying it that whenever she shows serious interest in another guy, Justin restarts his pursuit of her, only to abruptly drop her soon after. She says she'd really like to get out of this destructive habit [though, not really] - and Chiara applauds her for "starting to figure things out". Lauren and Stephanie are at a fabric store to pick up samples for an upcoming FIDM assignment. Lauren tells Stephanie she didn't have that great of a time in Cabo, not least 'cause Doug flew in a group of hotties he was creepily pimping out for the purpose of entertaining Brody on his birthday. Stephanie's all, "Gross", then changes the subject to her new boyfriend, and Lauren invites her to bring the dud to Crown Bar tomorrow night so he can get introduced to and party with the Hills posse. Stephanie warns that if Brody shows up, she fully expects Cameron to defend her honour by making him answer for the time he made her cry during the Vegas episode. Lauren's like, "Er, OK whatevs" and insists that they'll have a great time at the club, regardless of whether or not Cameron follows through with [spoiler] what ends up being an empty promise. While hanging by the pool, Lauren tells Brody she invited Stephanie to join them at Crown Bar, adding that Stephanie will be bringing along her new boyfriend. Brody groans at the prospect of having to socialize with the loon and reminds Lauren about the shady behavior she demonstrated when she publicly dined out with Doug. Lauren says she really just needs him to be civil, then warns that Cameron intends to give him the what for for his treatment of Stephanie in Vegas - but Brody dismissively says he relishes the idea of Cameron confronting him and that he'd loooove to counter-punch by telling him some fucked up shit about Stephanie he prolly has no idea about. Lauren chirps, "Lighten up!" - not least 'cause she seems wholly disinterested in being a party to any kind of Cameron-Brody fuelled drama - and shoves him into the pool before fleeing to the safety of her house. While dining out at Kitchen Twenty Four, Audrina tells Corey about her Cabo trip...and when he looks peeved and asks if Justin was there, she confirms he was, but insists that it was less a romantic getaway than it was a guys' trip. She then mumbles that she'd rather not talk about Justin, and he irritably grunts, "Me either." At Crown Bar, Cameron puffs out his little chest and tells Stephanie he's definitely going to take Brody aside and open a big can of whoop-ass on him for making her cry. A few seconds later, Lauren and Lo arrive and get introduced to Cameron...and when Lauren gushes about what a cute couple he and Stephanie make [though, meh], he sourly thanks her. He then doubles down on his intention to have a mano-a-mano chat with Brody - just as Brody arrives and seats himself beside Lauren. Cameron seems to react to his presence by becoming strangely inert...and after the camera pans over the rest of the posse to capture their expressions of nervous anticipation, Stephanie reminds Cameron about his pledge to confront Brody. As the editing makes it look as though Cameron visibly shrinks from wanting to make any kind of move, Brody amusedly tells Lauren, "I thought homie wanted to say something to me." Over at Darkchild Studios, Audrina and Chiara are chillin' with Brandy while she browses through a stack of photos in order to choose the best shot for her new album cover. When she's called away to record some music, Audrina tells Chiara that after going out with Corey a few more times, she's come to the realization, "My heart's not there." She then checks her phone and sees that Justin has just texted to let her know he's waiting in front of the studio - 'cause naturally she told the dumb lug where he could find her. An unimpressed Chiara mutters, "Interesting" as Audrina rushes outside to greet him. A morose Justin tells Audrina he's been thinking a lot about Cabo, and Audrina shares that she's been trying to convince herself she likes a certain tatted up Aussie - when the same shitty guy [she's been tediously clinging to for years now] keeps invading her thoughts. She calls him out for making zero effort to be in a relationship with her, and he contritely says he's well aware of that...and mumbles some other stuff I couldn't quite decipher before he comes right out and says, "I want you to be with me." Audrina responds by happily nodding before the two embrace. &^%$#!! While doing pretend work at Epic Records, Audrina tells Chiara that Justin said all the right things, and that she's choosing to naively believe his promises about not jerking her around no 'mo...and an exasperated Chiara implores her to recall all the times she's wanted to cut ties with the 'waxing nonsensical poetic' of a turd, and that she should remind herself of the destructive pattern they just discussed at the beginning of this very episode. Audrina explains that she just doesn't have the same connection to any other guy, and Chiara dismayingly concedes, "You gotta do what you gotta do" while hoping like hell she's not falling into the same old trap she's been falling into ever since the slovenly nitwit made his unimpressive Hills debut in Season 3. She makes it clear she's Team Corey and wonders aloud how and why Audrina is going to dump the courteous suitor. Stephanie meets up with Heidi and Spencer for lunch at Waffle and says that Cameron just didn't wanna subject himself to another inquisition in front of the MTV camera crew. Shen then tells them she brought Cameron to Crown Bar to meet the posse...and when Spencer correctly guesses that he totally chickened out when it came time to confront Brody, she moans about how badly she wants to break up with the dullard every time the three of them discuss the chemistry-free relationship. While dining out, Corey gives Audrina a koala bear souvenir and says he'd really love it if she came to Australia with him so they could hang out more. Audrina responds by dropping the bomb that things between them aren't really working out and gives him an 'it's not you it's me' style brush-off before informing him that she's decided to go crawling back to Justin. Corey stares back at her sadly, says he respects her decision, and fights back tears as he promises to not get emotional...and in the next scene, the two exit the restaurant and hug goodbye (for now, anyway). Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: The Hills posse is aboard a private plane, en route to Cabo San Lucas to celebrate Brody's birthday. Frankie asks Audrina whassup with her and Justin (who's sitting on the other end of the plane), so she tells him they're not together 'cause she's newly re-miffed about him dating other girls...and also explains that she didn't bring Corey along 'cause he's on tour [BMXing, I assume]. Lauren chimes in and says they're doing their best to look forward to this Mexican vacay, then wryly chuckles about how Audrina brought her emotional baggage aboard the plane. Meow...and haha! After landing in Mexico, the posse arrives at The Villa, aka the luxurious house they'll be staying in for the remainder of this episode. Audrina tells Lauren that no way in hell is she sharing a room with Justin, then bitterly mutters, "I'm sure he'll have a girl in here tonight." Lauren, who could probably not give a rat's ass one way or another, says that she'll be occupying one of the downstairs bedrooms. Lauren and Audrina change into their swimsuits and frolic in the ocean, while the menfolk chillax in the swimming pool and discuss the impossible-to-not-notice rift [that for some reason developed off-camera] between Justin and Audrina. When Frankie brings up Corey being Audrina's new fella, Justin reacts by grumbling about how she's always giving him shit for hooking up with random girls instead of wanting to be exclusive with her...and Brody's all, "Yeah!", while Doug creepishly pronounces, "All girls are shady." Back in Los Angeles, Heidi and Stephanie are shopping for cosmetics when Stephanie breaks the exciting news that she has a boyfriend, then glumly shares that the rest of the Hills posse is in Cabo for Brody's birthday. Heidi asks her why she didn't go, so she cites her problems with Brody and Doug, along with the fact that she and Lauren aren't as tight as they used to be. Heidi chews on that satisfyingly fascinating tidbit for a few seconds, then suggests to Stephanie that she and Cameron have a double date dinner with her and Spencer. Stephanie looks less than enthused by that prospect and says she's skeered at the 100% chance that Spencer is going to blurt out something inappropriate that insults Cameron. Heidi breezily retorts that it doesn't matter who gets along with who, but rather what combination of people at a restaurant might generate the most explosive interactions while the MTV camera crew films this reality TV show. Back in Cabo, the posse is eating a scrumptious looking dinner when a sour-faced Justin asks Audrina about the white flower scrunchie thing in her hair. She smugly tells him that Corey gave it to her...so then Justin stares at her curiously and comments about how she rolled her suitcase out of the bedroom he assumed they'd be sharing. She replies that she figured he'd want his own room, then snarkishly reminds him that he's the one who doesn't want to be exclusive. Justin groans, "Ooooh, dude" [$#@& it grates on my last nerve whenever he calls her dude], so she asks, "What am I to think?" - I guess about him tagging along to Cabo with the posse. He mumblingly explains that the producers locked in his filming schedule before "all of this stuff went down" ... and when she unconvincingly tells him she's totes cool with the situation, he mouths to Doug 'I'm free! Hall pass!', even though he doesn't seem to comprehend that carrying on about a "hall pass" would only make sense if he were in a committed relationship with Audrina. Frankie raises a glass and toasts Brody, aka 'the best friend a person can have'. Doug then reveals that he has a special surprise involving "bringing the party here", and a suspicious looking Lauren asks, "Did you invite sleazies?" Doug gives the signal, and a few seconds later the menfolk are treated to a parade of beautiful, handpicked-by-MTV young women. Lauren dryly tells Brody he has pretty good odds tonight, and he responds with a light chuckle [despite how creepy as fuck I found this scene to watch, more than fifteen years later]. While enjoying the evening by the ocean, Lauren confirms for Audrina that it's impossible to not notice the tension between her and Justin, then urges her - for the love of all that is holy - to completely let go of Justin and make it clear to the idiot slob that she's with Corey now. Audrina weakly insists that she is letting go - but then complains, "He's all about mind games." Lauren counters that half-hearted nonsense by advising, "Well, shut it off. You can't play by yourself" ... and a big amen to that. Over at the dinner table, Justin mumblingly muses that Audrina hooking up with a new guy makes this the ideal weekend for him to have a hall pass, then whines, "I didn't start it!" Across the beach, Lauren suggests to Audrina that they make friends with the sleazies...and then everyone leaps into the pool so they can canoodle, frolic, and sexily splash about. Heidi and Spencer are seated at a table in Pane E Vino, waiting for Stephanie and Cameron. When the two finally arrive, forty minutes late, Spencer calls them out for keeping him and Heidi waiting...and when his/Heidi's food arrives ['cause they went ahead and ordered, LOL], he toasts to "my sister and her first boyfriend". LOL. When Stephanie chides him for needlessly insulting her, he points out that he's never actually dined out with anyone she's dated before. He then changes the subject and cackles about how he just kicked Holly out of the apartment, and that "it felt real good" to rid himself of the biggest mooch on the planet. Heidi gently admonishes Spencer for disrespecting her family member, then clarifies that she was the one who asked Holly to leave after he gave her an ultimatum [that would have been totes hilarious if she'd called his bluff on]. Cameron, who really doesn't seem like an MTV-ready guest star, just stares back at the two of them blankly and stiffly says that one reason he digs Stephanie so much is 'cause she makes him laugh, to which Spencer sarcastically rejoins, "She makes me laugh a lot too." Heidi asks Cameron if he's met anyone from the Hills posse, so Cameron says he knows Brody and plans to one day confront him about making Stephanie cry. He then boldly asks Spencer why he's no longer friends with Brody, so Spencer explains that he can't seem to let go of the fact that Brody likes hanging out with his archenemy, then hastily changes the subject by asking Cameron what he thinks about Doug and his/Stephanie's recent candle-lit dinners. As Cameron's all, "Wuh? Doug? Candle light?", Stephanie irritably insists that she never dated Doug, and chides her brother for so sassily bringing him up. Audrina notices that Justin is wearing her white flower scrunchie thing on his wrist and demands that he give it back - but he childishly refuses and snidely retorts, "Tell your boy I said hello." Audrina declares, "I'm done!" [as she's done several hundred times in past episodes] and storms off, leaving Justin grinning after her like the obnoxious fuckbag he is. The next morning, Audrina finds Justin by the refreshment bar, and the two bicker back and forth about his nonsensical hall pass, the audacity of her getting a new boyfriend, his refusal to be exclusive with anyone...blah blah. She tells him that Corey treats her well and that she really likes him, so Justin holds up his wrist that's still adorned with the white flower scrunchie thing and taunts, "You'll never have this again." Audrina reacts by muttering, "Let me know when you grow up" and storming off yet again. Stephanie meets up with Spencer, who's getting his daily exercise by jogging up and down an outdoor flight of stairs. She calls him out for talking about Doug in front of Cameron, and Spencer responds by grumbling about how she and Cameron were forty minutes late to dinner (which he paid for), and for generally not being appreciative enough that he's still willing to talk to her. When Stephanie beseeches him to be nicer to her, he responds with the question, "Why don't you start being loyal to your family?", then continues his stairs workout. Back in Cabo, Audrina tells Lauren it's soooo ridiculous that Justin thinks he can make her feel bad for dating Corey, and Lauren concurs and says she should focus on what's right for her and what makes her happy. She then urges, begs, implores Audrina to not engage with this petty nonsense with Justin anymore and cleverly points out that it's not fair to Corey...and when Audrina argues that Justin continues to make things difficult, an exasperated Lauren blurts out, "Why do you want that in your life?!" Audrina flaccidly says she has stopped engaging in this mind fuckery - but Lauren points out that, on the contrary, she hasn't been able to shut up about the dipshit during most of this Cabo trip. She reminds Audrina that Justin is clearly not willing to be a normal boyfriend and again pleads with her to permanently cut him loose and thereby not allow him to have such an inexplicable hold on her...and Audrina stares vacantly into space as she ponders the unlikeliness of that course of action. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
THE HILLS HOMEPAGESeason 1 Recapper: Isabel K. French
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