The Facts of Life - Season 9, Episode 9

Blair runs out of entertainment options for her sister shockingly quickly

"Adventures in Baileysitting"
Original airdate: 12/5/1987

Episode summary: Blair passes off babysitting duty of her little sister to Jo, who passes it off to Andy...who eventually manages to lose track of the tot.

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Recap: Monica Warner (Blair's mom) thanks Blair for agreeing to take care of little Bailey while she hobnobs with the glitterati at the Governor's Lunch. She shows Blair the clown costume she got for Bailey to wear at the cartoon matinee this afternoon, hands her all of her 'in case of emergency' phone numbers, then heads out. 

Beverly Ann informs everyone that Oliver's niece just came down with the measles...and that since Pippa and Andy took her to the zoo yesterday, they're going to need to steer clear of Bailey to avoid exposing her to the potentially deadly disease. [Incidentally, I wonder if Oliver has any inkling about his girlfriend's short-lived May-December flirtation with Larry during the previous episode.]

Tootie comes downstairs while Natalie is agonizing over what kind of story to churn out for The Peekskill Register...and Tootie's like, "Good luck with that" and says she's about to head over to the jeweller's with Jeff to pick out her engagement ring. A few seconds later, Blair brings Bailey downstairs so that everyone can ooh and aah at the cute tot now decked out in her clown costume and bright pink wig...and Tootie offers to finish off the look by painting red circles on her nose and cheeks. While she's doing that, Blair complains to Natalie about how hard it is to keep a small child amused for an extended period of time, and Natalie floats the idea of writing a story about women who should never be mothers. LOL. Tootie finishes applying face paint to Bailey and says she's off to meet Jeff now...and Blair, who looks to be scraping the barrel of entertainment ideas for her little sister, sits her on her lap so that the two can stare at her day planner and recite numbers. While looking over the day planner, Blair suddenly realizes that she forgot all about a special tea that a local law firm is hosting for freshman students right now and moans, "If only I could find someone to take care of Bailey." As Jo stares back at her mutely, she adds that the tea could be a springboard for an internship/career somewhere far far away...and Jo faux perks up at that prospect and agrees to babysit Bailey, who seems unfazed at being abruptly passed off to be in the custody of "Aunt Jo". Blair instructs Jo to take Bailey to the cartoon matinee at the downtown theater this afternoon, then rushes off to attend the freshman tea...and Jo, who - much like Blair - doesn't seem to have many good ideas to entertain a small tot, tries to get Bailey interested in the notion of a popsicle.

"If only there were a potential babysitter in this room who could offer Bailey a mannish perspective on life."

"Sounds like something I'm barely willing to help out with."

Over in the kitchen, Beverly Ann is racking her brain trying to remember the name of her doctor in Appleton who could confirm whether or not she had the measles, while Jo searches the refrigerator for a popsicle for Bailey. She explains to Beverly Ann that Blair just dumped the kid on her with no advance warning and that she needs to find something to entertain her, so Beverly Ann remarks on how kids are always more interested in non-toys to amuse themselves and suggests she give the kid a toaster to play with. Jo decides that a better idea would be to give Bailey some pots and pans to bang on...though it soon proves to be far too disruptive to Natalie, who's still struggling to figure out what in blazes she should write about for the paper.
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Andy returns home and excitedly greets Bailey - just as Jo gets a call about a bomb threat to the shelter. She announces that she has to leave right away to sort out the emergency [despite it sounding more like something Casey and/or the Bomb Squad should be dealing with] ... and Natalie perks up and says she could cover the impending catastrophe for The Peekskill Register. Jo suddenly remembers that she agreed to take care of Bailey, but worms out of the responsibility by asking Andy to take over for her [I guess despite his recent measles exposure], which she explains mostly entails taking the kid to the cartoon matinee in about an hour.  

Beverly Ann gets on the horn with her ex-husband and is relieved to finally learn that, yes, she has had the measles. A few seconds later, Tootie returns home wearing a diamond engagement ring on her finger - but Beverly Ann either doesn't care or pretends to not notice Tootie overtly flashing her new bling. After that, Andy returns home with a child he assumes is Bailey - but when Beverly Ann removes the pink clown wig, she's startled by the sight of a brown-haired Hispanic girl who stammers qué? and cómo? when Beverly Ann asks her her name...then decides that the next logical step would be to comb through the phone book for all the Cómos in a nonsensical effort to locate Qué Cómo's parents.

"No hablo ingles."

"Pleased to meet you, No."

Tootie asks Andy how he could be so fuckwittedly stupid to bring home the wrong kid from the movies - just as Blair returns home from the freshman tea, sees the little brown-haired girl, and assumes she must be a friend Bailey made at the cartoon matinee. Andy mutters, "Not exactly" and prattles about how Jo had an emergency at the shelter and put him in charge of Bailey, which resulted in him losing track of her and unwittingly bringing home the wrong child. A panicked Blair demands, "Where is my sister?!" before suggesting that Andy retrace his steps...and he deduces that he must have lost track of her after she used the ladies room. Blair solemnly nods and says, "And that's where you picked up Qué Cómo" ... and Andy explains that, in his defence, all the kids attending the cartoon matinee were implausibly wearing the exact same clown costume, pink wig, and red face paint. Blair decides that it's prolly time to stop fucking around with assigning a nickname to an Hispanic kid on the basis of her inability to speak English and pick up the damn phone to call 911.
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Jo and Natalie enter the shelter after the police have confirmed that the bomb threat was just a prank caller. Natalie says she's bummed that there's no crisis to write about for the paper, then calls her editor to report that no one was injured as a result of the fake bomb threat. A few seconds later, an Hispanic woman bursts into the shelter, along with a small child wearing a clown costume, and natters in Spanish that her daughter is missing...and that this child is not her daughter. A perplexed Natalie tells Jo that, regrettably, she didn't manage to pick up any kind of conversational Spanish during her time waiting tables at Señor Sombrero's...and then she and Jo just stare back at the woman quizzically when neither is able to make heads or tails of what her problem could possibly be. 

"Esta niña no es mi hija."

"I'd be able to understand you better if you were ordering a taco."

Jo suggests to Natalie that they take the woman and the kid to the nearest police station...and when Jo picks up the little girl and offers to get her some ice cream, she chirps, "Sure, Aunt Jo." Jo's all, "Wuh?" when she realizes that the imp in the clown costume is Bailey, then says she's going to call home pronto, 'cause she can only assume that everyone is currently frantic about Bailey being "missing". 

Blair is on the phone with the someone at the local police station, urging whoever she's talking to to dispatch every available officer to search for her missing sister. After that, the Facts gang (save for Pippa) heads out to 1) the police station (to turn over the superfluous Qué Cómo), and 2) the movie theater (to see if there's any sign of Bailey).  
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A little while later, Monica Warner returns to the residence to pick up Bailey...and when she doesn't see her or Blair anywhere, she asks Pippa whassup about no one being around. Pippa plays dumb in a lame attempt to stall for time...and is about to break the news that her toddler has gone missing when Jo and Natalie return home with Bailey. Monica thanks them for taking such good care of her daughter, to which Bailey retorts, "They losted me" while contorting her face in a nettled pout. Jo and Nat chuckle nervously, then admit that they ran across Bailey at the shelter purely by accident and assume that Blair will be able to offer some kind of explanation. Jo then offers to take Bailey upstairs to get her changed out of her clown costume.

Blair returns home looking despondently sheepish, then breaks the news to her mother that Bailey has gone missing. She explains that she abandoned her sister to attend a special tea for law school freshman...and only now realizes that nothing could have been more important than taking care of the tot. She tearfully apologizes to her mother while leaning into her for a hug.

​Jo and Natalie bring Bailey downstairs...and when Bailey chirps, "Hi Blair", Blair's all, "Wuh?" and, after the initial relief of knowing her sister is safe, gets a tad miffed that everyone but her knew that Bailey was already home. Monica chucklingly tells Blair that she contemplated giving her the good news, but was enjoying seeing her being so tearfully honest with herself. Tootie expresses her joy and relief at seeing Bailey safely home again and somehow in the process flashes her new engagement ring, which everyone finally notices and starts cooing over. As that's happening, Andy and Beverly Ann return home with a small child decked out in a clown costume and pink wig and gaily announce, "We found Bailey!" LOL.

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