The Facts of Life - Season 9, Episode 16

"I really don't think I can bring myself to scream 'Norbert!' next time I'm in the throes of passion."

"The First Time"
Original airdate: 2/6/1988

Episode summary: Snake pops Natalie's cherry.

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Recap: Prior to the opening credits, a somber warning is issued to parents that they may want to watch this episode with their children, 'cause 1) it's the one where Snake pops Natalie's cherry (off-camera), and 2) there's zero substantive guidance offered for young viewers even contemplating sex upon learning that this fully grown fictional woman decided to finally hit the sheets with the boyfriend she's been exclusively dating for an entire year.

Tootie remarks that the house is unusually quiet today, and Beverly Ann points out that Sundays are supposed to be quiet, while Jo attributes the peaceful aura to Blair being out of town [on account of she didn't want anything to do with appearing in the episode that's structured entirely around Natalie's deflowering]. Natalie descends the staircase looking fabulous in a glittery black blazer, and she happily announces that tonight is the first year anniversary of the night she fell in love with Snake, and recalls that when it happened, they were having dinner at the Green River Inn while seated at a table near the fireplace. A few seconds later, Snake arrives to pick her up...and he's wearing work coveralls and pretending as though he has no clue that today's any kind of special day, despite Tootie's not-so-subtle prompting. He asks Natalie if she's ready to go, and she glumly says she's going to go upstairs to change into something less fancy - just as he strips off the coveralls and reveals the three-piece suit he's wearing underneath. Natalie squeals with joy as the now dapper looking Snake tells her that they'll be dining at the Green River Inn, and that he booked the table near the fireplace. Mmm hmm..

Hours later, Snake escorts Natalie home and smooches her several times before remarking how reluctant he is to end the evening, and the two agree that their one year love anniversary was very, very - like very - special. The two then smooch for a little while longer before Snake promises, "I'll call you tomorrow" and heads out. 

At around 5:00am, Natalie tiptoes into her attic bedroom and hovers over Tootie to see if she's awake...and eventually Tootie sleepily murmurs, "Are you going to wake me up or not?" Natalie giddily tells her that she and Snake stayed up late talking, then builds up to her 'I had sex!' announcement by reminding Tootie that she and Snake...

• Have been dating steadily for the last year
• Are both adults
• Are in love

She then says, "It just seemed natural to...you know" and Tootie's eyes instantly widen as she scrambles to sit in an upright position while asking, "Are you trying to tell me what I think you're trying to tell me?" and Natalie smilingly nods. Tootie turns on her nightstand lamp and leans into Natalie for a congratulatory hug while promising to not pepper her with the many, many questions she has. A few seconds later, she completely back pedals on that 'cause she's way too curious and nosy to not want to hear all about Natalie's inaugural sexcapade.

"You've become a woman, haven't you?"

"Guilty as charged."

The next morning at breakfast, Jo grumblingly asks Natalie why she's so unusually chipper, and Natalie's in the middle of smilingly explaining her good mood when Pippa suddenly enters the room. She hastily zips it until Pippa leaves, but then has to zip it again when Andy and Beverly Ann amble into the kitchen, arguing about the appropriateness/inappropriateness of Andy wearing ripped jeans to school. After that issue is momentarily resolved, Natalie drops the bombshell to the Facts gang by disclosing, "Last night, Snake and I slept together." Jo is so utterly shocked at the [not all that shocking] news that she spills cereal all over the table, while a befuddled Beverly Ann slumps into the nearest kitchen chair and stares dumbly into space. Natalie asks her what she thinks about her metamorphosis into non-virginhood, and Beverly Ann says that while she totally gets that she's a twenty-one year old woman who's fully capable of making her own personal decisions, she hails from a time and place where a woman waited until marriage...then ruefully adds, "And sometimes even later than that." Natalie tells her that times have definitely changed, and Tootie's like, "Well, sort of", then sanctimoniously adds that she and Jeff are waiting until after their nuptials before hitting the sack together. Beverly Ann snidely tells Natalie she hopes they aren't going see any tiny little snakes slithering around the house anytime soon, and Natalie chucklingly assures her that they were responsible enough to use contraceptives, and reminds everyone again that she's simply a fully grown woman who decided to finally hit the sheets with the boyfriend she's been exclusively dating for an entire year...and, for whatever reason, deemed it necessary to issue a statement regarding the change to her 'sexually active?' status to her superfluous housemother and two roommates. 

Snake calls to tell Natalie that now that they've bam bammed in the ham, he's putting the relationship on ice so he can work through whatever emotional issues have suddenly arisen to plague him, and Natalie amiably replies, "Er, OK. I guess I'll hear from you when I hear from you." She then hangs up and tells the Facts gang that Snake won't be able to see her for a few days...and as everyone stares back at her with worriedly stony expressions, she breezily adds, "It's not like he's dumping me!", but they just stare back at her, their faces etched with doubt.

"I highly doubt Snake is dumping me."

"Uh oh. Snake is definitely dumping her."

As Natalie does her homework at the dining room table, Beverly Ann attempts to cheer her up with some homemade apple turnovers, but Natalie declines. When Tootie enters the room, Beverly Ann suggests they all go to the movies, and Natalie says she appreciates their efforts to cheer her up - but is totes OK with Snake needing a little time to himself following their maiden doink. When the phone rings a few seconds later, she rushes over to answer it and is visibly disappointed when the call is for Andy. She moans, "I never should have slept with him" - just as Pippa enters the room and is all, "Crikey!" before asking Natalie what the sex was like. Natalie says it's kind of a personal thing to want to talk about to a teenager, and then Beverly Ann steers Pippa into the kitchen to ask if her father ever gave her the 'birds and the bees' talk. Pippa assures her she knows all the basics and that Aussies are generally more easygoing about sex than Americans. She adds that while some of her friends back home have been getting it on with their boyfriends for quite some time now, she wants her first time to be with her true love. She asks Beverly Ann if she has her permission to have sex if she were to, say, meet her true love tomorrow, and an appalled Beverly Ann tells her she's only fifteen years old and therefore way too young for sex...and that her mother once advised her to never rush sex, marriage or soufflés, 'cause otherwise they fall flat.

Natalie laments to Tootie that she's soooooo confuuuuuused about how one day she's riding the baloney pony of her beloved, and the next day he's seemingly gone from her life. She stares worriedly into space and asks, "Do you think I did it wrong?" and a clueless Tootie shrugs and reminds her friend that she has zero knowledge of how one distinguishes between adequately and inadequately performed sex, then gives her a comforting hug.  

"Can a person have sex wrong?"

"Look who you're asking."

Later, Natalie tells Jo she really blew it, and Jo tells her to stop blaming herself for bedding Snake 'cause, frankly, she's really starting to tire of all of her post-sex moping. [Sorry - that was me, projecting.] Natalie asks Jo if she thinks it was a mistake sleep with Snake...and when Jo says it only matters what she thinks, Natalie gets angry and accuses her of being "an emotional chicken" who just clucks out unhelpful platitudes. She anxiously tells Jo she neeeeeeeeeds her help and implores her to stop being so wishy-washy and just express her damn opinion already, so Jo's like, "OK, fine" and tells her needs to stop blaming herself for having sex, 'cause clearly what's really bothering her is the fact that Snake walked out on her. Natalie tears up and sadly asks why he did that, and Jo's like, "Dunno. Sex does weird things to people sometimes." She assures Natalie that she's a great person and will be fine with or without Snake in her life...and Natalie says that while she doesn't regret their romp, she'll surely be hurt if things don't work out.

A few minutes later, Snake stops by so he could tell Natalie face-to-face what's been on his mind, then mumbles, "I don't know where to start." Natalie tells him she's not at all sorry about them doing the horizontal mambo - but that if he can't handle the intimacy, or he feels like she's crowding his space, he shouldn't beat around the bush as he gives her the dumperoo. Snake responds by declaring, "I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you", and Natalie reacts by staring back at him in stunned bewilderment.

"I'm doing the opposite of dumping you."

"I did not see that coming."

Snake tells Natalie he can't stand to be apart from her, and that he needed several days of me time in order to completely assure himself that that's how he really, truly, 100% feels after sausaging her. He then says he plans to give up his job as a trucker and look for something in Peekskill 'cause he figures they'll get married and have a life together. When Natalie remains mute on the subject, he asks, "That's where we're headed, isn't it?" and she's like, "Dunno" and tells him she doesn't know if she's even ready for that kind of commitment, and suggests they take things one step at a time. Snake looks part miffed, part relieved that he's not in a serious enough relationship to have to start using his real name...and when Natalie learns that his parents named him Norbert Jr., she does her best not to laugh and says they'll just keep that their little secret. Snake gushingly tells her she's something special, and she chuckles again at the dorkiness of his legal name and gives him a happy hug.

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