The Facts of Life - Season 9, Episode 11

"Your exterior got off kinda easy in this flash-forward, dontcha think?"

"Golden Oldies"
Original airdate: 1/2/1988

Episode summary: Beverly Ann and the Facts gals imagine where life will take them in this bizarre, forty year flash-forward.

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Recap: Tootie is rehearsing a soliloquy from The Merchant of Venice, while Natalie announces that she's about to mail her annual contribution for her retirement fund. Blair applauds her fiscal discipline and adds that it's really the best thing a poor person can do in order to not starve during retirement....and Beverly Ann's like, "Speaking of retirement.." and asks them if they ever wonder what they'll all be doing during their golden years. After chewing on that for a few seconds..

• Tootie predicts that she'll be embarking on her farewell tour as "the Grand Dame of the American theatre"
• Natalie sees herself in Hollywood, finishing up her latest screenplay
• Blair figures she'll be living in Switzerland, contemplating purchasing the country
• Jo doth protest too much when she claims to want to live as far away from Switzerland as possible

Tootie jokes, "Would it be a hoot if we all retired together, right here in the same house?", and Jo stares back at her with a look of horror and makes it clear that no way in hell is she going to stick around for the airing of the 50th season of The Facts of Life on account of a bunch of producers who have repeatedly demonstrated a bewildering stubbornness in not pulling the plug on a show that - IMHO - should have wrapped up at the end of Season 4. Beverly Ann says that stranger things have happened and that no one really knows what the future has in store for any of them...then picks up her needlepoint project as the camera pans in so that we can see that 'There's no place like home' is embroidered on it. 

Flash forward forty years..

Jo shuffles into the living room looking unspeakably grisly with a gnarly mop of matted grey hair and a permanent scowl etched across her face. Tootie, who looks pretty much the same as the forty year younger version of herself (save for a longer wig), sweeps in carrying a basket of flowers while reciting something Neil Simon wrote - in an obnoxiously theatrical manner while waving her arms around - then boasting about how the playwright has been begging her to star in his new play...which I can only deem doubtful, considering that forty years after 1988, the man would be 101 years old and unlikely to give the tiniest of rat's asses about snapping up Tootie for the lead role in anything. As Jo snappishly snarls something derogatory, Tootie accuses her of being a bitter old woman after getting dumped by her ex-husband Harold in favor of someone younger and less surly. 

Blair returns home, and we see that she's a heavier, white-wigged shell of her former self who has somehow developed a thick southern accent. She drawls, "I have had a most fraahht-ful mornin''" ... and after Jo quips, "Been looking in the mirror again?", Blair explains that when she encountered an attractive man at Tiffany's earlier, he didn't seem remotely interested in getting her number. Jo tells her she's going to have to accept the fact that she (along with the rest of the rapidly-aged Facts gang) are no longer young and beautiful - but Blair argues that not being alluring to men is a new thing for her, and that she may have to consider something drastic, e.g. undergoing the knife for a round of cosmetic surgery.

"I do declaaahr...my rapid aging makes me look as though I've been hit by the ugly stick."

"Hit? More like whooped with the whole forest."

When the doorbell rings, a badly enfeebled Beverly Ann shuffles into the room and insists on answering it...but when it takes too long for her to figure out that the ringing is coming from the doorbell and not the telephone, Tootie answers the door and lets in Natalie, who's carrying her typewriter and is wearing a flower patterned moo-moo dress over a scary amount of upper body padding, while her barely grey brown hair hangs down her back in a long French braid. She complains about what a fugly dump this place is, then asks for permission to move back in 'cause her son-in-law kicked her out of his house...and she's not getting any support from her spineless daughter, possibly because she named her Tootie. Original Tootie's like 'sure, why the hell not?' and points out that they have plenty of space. 

Over in the kitchen, Tootie is twirling around theatrically as she serves the Facts gang cheesecake. Jo gets Natalie caught up on her life and tells her her kids are doing fine, but that Harold recently ran off with a much younger tart named Bambi. Tootie waves her arms around theatrically as she jokingly (?) says she's very relieved that Jeff died before he could leave her for a younger woman, while Blair remarks on how her many divorces have been fairly amicable.

Andy drops by to visit with Beverly Ann, and he's still a prepubescent boy - but moustached with a much thicker waist...and there's something about his tiny roundness wedged into a business suit that seems derivative of the Wizard of Oz's Mayor of Munchkin City. Natalie stares at him amusedly and asks him when he grew his moustache, and he retorts, "A year ago. When'd you grow yours?" A visibly miffed Natalie remarks to Jo how short the imp still is...and when Jo reminds her that he's now the Mayor of Munchkin City - I mean Peekskill - an unimpressed Natalie stubbornly grumbles, "He's still short."

"I have a feeling I'm not in '80s Peekskill anymore."

"Body padding, fake moustaches, and unsightly moo-moos...oh my!"

Andy tells Beverly Ann and the Facts gals that he figured they'd need help packing up the house before the big move...and when they all just stare back at him confusedly, he tells them they must be aware that the building they're currently living in is being torn down tomorrow. As the Facts gals are all, "Wha-a-a?!", Beverly Ann says she just remembered that she's been forgetting to share with them some life-altering news. 
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After the commercial break, Andy says he assumed they all knew about the demolition, not least 'cause the city has been sending them letters warning that their house is going to be torn down in order to make room for a new high-rise cemetery. Andy says he's so jazzed about this construction project 'cause he figures that if voters see him in this kind of leadership role, he'll be a shoo-in when he runs for governor. He then says he's off to a city council meeting and informs them that the bulldozers will be at the house at 9am tomorrow morning. 

Jo urges Blair to use her wealth and connections to buy influence in order to save their home - but Blair (who's snacking incessantly on messy foods throughout this flash-forward) says she's completely tapped out from paying alimony to so many ex-husbands that she's had to file for bankruptcy...and that her sole income is from an orphan in Korea (?). The Facts gals cry, "We're doomed!" - just as Blair comes up with the brilliant idea of using her legal smarts to file various injunctions to "obstruct justice" and delay the imminent demolition. 

In the next scene, the Facts gang is packing up and grumbling about how Blair's efforts to delay the demolition have all come up short. Tootie, who's decked out in a leopard print get-up, theatrically moans about how unfair it is that they're getting evicted, then over-enunciatingly delivers a farewell speech from a play she was once cast in. When the doorbell rings, Jo (now donning a grey Vicki Lawrence/Mama's Family-esque wig) comes face-to-face with her philandering husband Harold and reacts by slamming the door on him - but Blair hastily lets him in and chides Jo for mistreating any man who's actually willing to spend a moment of his time in their presence. Harold tells Jo he made a terrible mistake when he stepped out on her for Bambi and now wants them to get back together. As Tootie and Blair urge Jo to consider a reconciliation, Harold gets down on his knees and begs Jo to come back to him 'cause he's old and very very lonely. 

Jo steers Harold into the kitchen, where she snarls at him to say his peace and get out. Harold sheepishly admits to being a rat, and explains that he took up with Bambi 'cause she made him feel young and sexy. Jo reminds him that he deeply hurt her when he rejected her purely 'cause of how grisly she's looking in her old age, and says he can't expect her to just forget about it. Harold urges her to consider getting back together with him, not least 'cause she has to move somewhere, given that the city is about to tear her house down...and when Jo asks him how he could possibly know that, he confesses that he was awarded the contract to demolish it in order to build the high-rise cemetery. ​

"You can either reconcile with me or become a homeless bag lady."

"I'm gonna go with that second thing."

Andy arrives to announce, "It's moving day!" and Harold gives Jo a nonsensical ultimatum: if she agrees to let him come crawling back to her, he'll build the cemetery high-rise around the house. He then warns that the consequence of refusing is that she and her friends will suddenly be homeless. Tootie and Natalie urge Jo to not capitulate to the jerk, while Blair offers to make the sacrifice of marrying Harold...despite him being pretty vocal about how disinterested he is in that icky prospect. When Jo refuses to budge, Harold cries, "Let the wrecking begin!" - just as Beverly Ann settles into her easy chair and picks up her 'There's no place like home' needlepoint while muttering that there's something related to the house that she's supposed to remember. A few seconds later, the bulldozer starts demolishing the property with them in it.  

Back to the present..

Tootie chuckles about the absurdly bleak future they just imagined for themselves, while Beverly Ann and Jo are in agreement that they shouldn't take any of their silly daydreaming too seriously. Blair phones the bank to get the balance of her account and looks relieved at the number, while Andy enters the room and announces that he's just been tapped to run for class president and thinks he might have a career in politics...and Beverly Ann admonishes him for wanting to become a corrupt governor who abandons his mother "to live in the storm drain". A few seconds later, the doorbell rings...and Jo answers the door and comes face-to-face with the same actor who played Harold in the flash-forward. He explains that he's late for a wedding, but is lost and could use some directions, and a wigged out Jo's all, "Ack!" before slamming the door in his face.

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