The Facts of Life - Season 8, Episode 23

"There's a lot riding on this speech being worth the round trip from Poland."

"Rights of Passage"
Original airdate: 5/2/1987

Episode summary: Jo is tapped to be class speaker at her graduation ceremony, but refuses to not use it as an opportunity to air her many bitchy grievances.

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Recap: Jo is sitting in front of her typewriter, agonizing over the speech she's been asked to deliver to her fellow Langley graduates on graduation day, while Blair expresses her unhappiness about Porsche no longer making red cars...then decides that instead of a new car, her graduation present from her father should be a diamond tiara.  

Beverly Ann forbids Andy to wear his snug-fitting suit for the Langley graduation ceremony 'cause he's outgrown it, and he decides 'why the hell not let my new ma buy me a new outfit if she wants?' Tootie enters the room and asks Jo what sort of monologue she should do for her all important summer stock audition - just as Natalie appears and offers to write something customized, remarking that it's best to just be herself while performing. Which seems like a strange bit of advice for an aspiring actress. After Tootie and Natalie scamper upstairs to flesh something out, Jo contemplates the prospect of just being oneself, and gets newly inspired with the graduation speech she's writing.

Blair is on the phone in the communal bedroom, ordering a diamond tiara from her favorite jeweller, and asking him to attach a Congratulations for graduating from college, princess! note she imagines that her father would write. Tootie enters the room and asks Blair if she wouldn't mind listening to her monologue performance - but when Natalie appears out of nowhere and realizes that Tootie made unauthorized changes to her writing, the two bicker about the writing/acting creative processes and then storm out of the room.

Jo bursts into the communal bedroom to rail about how she has no desire to deliver the kind of garbage speech the college administration expects of her...and that when she cobbled together a bitchy rant about Langley's ineptitude as an institution of higher learning, they unsurprisingly threatened to cancel her from the programme. Blair winces at Jo's cluelessly self-centered fuckwittedness and reminds her that graduation is generally a happy occasion during which the audience expects to hear uplifting platitudes about the bright future ahead for graduates, not a grim rehash of all that's wrong with the college they just spent four years at, paying big bucks for the privilege of earning a degree - but Jo grumpishly refuses to not use the opportunity to air every bitchy grievance she's been harbouring against Langley since her freshman year. 

"The college brass said I'm not allowed to rail about their many deficiencies."

"Shocker."

Beverly Ann is altering Andy's new pants when Jo's parents arrive and gushingly hug her hello. Her mom tells her they have a special present for her - just as an older man walks through the door and hands Jo a bouquet of flowers. Jo's like, "Aw, how sweet" and offers to tip him, and the man responds by holding out his arms and cooing, "My little wnuczka!" As Jo scrunches her face confusedly, Charlie explains that this man is her grandfather who flew all the way from Poland to witness her graduation ceremony. Jo lights up as she hugs Gramps...but then quickly deflates when Gramps clarifies that he didn't travel all the from Poland just to see her graduate, but rather to hear her give her fancy college speech.  

"I traveled thousands of miles specifically to hear your speech."

"Then prepare to be deeply disappointed for coming all this way for nothing."

Jo gives Gramps a tour of Over Our Heads, and he's like, "Oooh, a junk store!" [which...yep] and then gushes to Blair about how excited he is to hear Jo's big speech tomorrow. Blair pulls Jo aside to ask whassup with her not telling her grandfather that her speech has been nixed, and Jo haplessly says she's half-heartedly trying to summon the courage to break the old man's spirit. Jo's mom enters the store to gush once again about how deeply proud she is of Jo, and to inform Blair that she has a phone call.

​Jo attempts to tell Gramps about the fallout over Bitchy Speech-gate - but Blair interrupts by telling Gramps that Beverly Ann has a piece of pie with his name on it in the living room. Once he's out of hearing range, Blair breaks the news to Jo that the dean just called to ask her to step in and deliver a light-hearted graduation speech.

Blair's bickering parents arrive, but stop bickering long enough to gushily congratulate their daughter for being chosen as the senior class graduation speech-giver. Blair sheepishly explains that she was the number 2 choice when they needed a quick replacement for Jo, and Pa Warner says it might be awkward, but points out that someone has to give the speech, so it might as well be her.

Andy scampers downstairs wearing his well-tailored new suit, which he has accessorized with a pair of dirty sneakers. Tootie, meanwhile, announces that she has her summer stock audition in New York to get to...and Natalie apologizes for their argument earlier and wishes her the best of luck.

Charlie is playing the piano when Blair returns home with her dad...and Charlie gushes at Pa Warner about how their daughters are both graduating college, and how much he's looking forward to the caps, gowns, and graduation speech. Pa Warner agrees, then says he was kinda worried about the Polniaczek clan being upset that Blair was tapped to replace Jo as speech-giver. A shocked Charlie's all, "Wha-a-a?" and then confronts Jo to ask whaddup with her not informing any of them about this latest development. Jo explains that the graduation committee rejected her bitchy speech - just as Gramps enters the room. She then comes clean to him about her speech being nixed from the graduation programme because of her dicked up belief system that she should have full license to express every grumpy thought every moment she has them, and sheepishly hopes he's not too disappointed about traveling all the way from Poland just to watch her get her diploma and then sit down. Gramps applauds her courage in refusing to change her rant-laden speech to one that'd  be more appropriate for the occasion and venue, and assures her that if Grams were still alive she would have been proud. 

"The graduation committee didn't want me to rant and rave about the college's ineptitude."

"Shocker."

Gramps credits Charlie for raising such an amaaaaazing woman, and natters on and on about how people need to have values - just as Blair sweeps down the staircase wearing her new diamond tiara. LOL. Gramps waxes on and on about Jo's courage in squandering the opportunity to deliver a graduation speech, and then spits (like, literally) at whoever was asked to be her replacement and refers to that person as "a spineless coward". Blair self-identifies as that spineless coward, and a red-faced Gramps mutters, "Uh boy.."

In the communal bedroom, Jo and Blair are putting on their graduation gowns, joyously reminiscing about their arguments, laughter, and non-hetero crushing over the last six years of this wretched TV series. 

Graduation ceremony. The dean introduces Blair as the senior class speaker...and as she starts delivering her opening remarks, Tootie rushes in and excitedly announces in hushed tones to everyone that she made it into summer stock. Hurray! Blair credits her friend Jo for refusing to give a speech she doesn't believe in, then dramatically produces Jo's crumpled up notes, and starts reading from them...which includes what a tough world it is, and how Langley College does fuck all to prepare its students for the harsh realities they're destined to face in the real world. The dean's all, "The fuck?!", cuts her mic, and rushes over to ask what in blazes she thinks she's doing...so Blair smugly reminds him that she's delivering a speech in an auditorium that the Warner family paid for in a building that was heavily subsidized by the Warner family, to an audience that includes her father, Dave Warner. The dean's like, "Point taken" and meekly sits back down as Blair continues to read from Jo's bitchy notes that endlessly rail about the general fucktitude of all the bozos in charge of Langley. In her closing statement, she credits Jo for the courage to say what didn't necessarily need to be said on this particular occasion, and Gramps leaps up from his chair and bellows, "My granddaughter!" as everyone mindlessly applauds. 

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