The Facts of Life - Season 8, Episode 20

"It just occurred to me that this entire storyline could have been replaced with a simple phone call."

"Ex Marks the Spot"
Original airdate: 3/7/1987

Episode summary: Beverly Ann's ex-husband re-enters her life to ask a special favor.

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Recap: While sitting around the breakfast table, Jo leafs through A Big Book of Career Choices and says that since the graduation episode is just around the corner, she's going to have to figure out what to do with the rest of her life [which is probably a wise idea after four years of an expensive post-secondary education]. She mentions that a computer analyst can make as much as $26,500 (!), and Blair gives her a seriously? look and says if she's satisfied with earning that kind of pittance, she may as well join the Peace Corps. A few seconds later, the doorbell rings, and the stranger - who's played by the Eight is Enough dad - introduces himself as Beverly Ann's ex-husband, Frank Stickle. As the Facts gals exchange holy shit! glances, Frank correctly assumes that they've been made fully aware of the intensity with which Beverly Ann loathes him. He asks them to tell Beverly Ann he dropped by...and is about to leave when she suddenly returns home after bicycling with Andy and Oliver. She's all, "The fuck?" at the sight of her ex...and when he asks her if they can speak privately, she reluctantly agrees to postpone her lunch date with Oliver.

"Do you miss me?"

"I've been telling people that you died after being torn apart by wild animals...so no."

Frank starts tapping his fingers on the end table, and Beverly Ann irritably remarks that he still has that annoying habit. She then passively-aggressively asks how The Trollop is doing, and Frank argues that Trixie was no trollop - but that it's a moot point 'cause they're no longer hitting the sheets. He swiftly changes the subject and says he dropped by their house the other day, and that it fully sank in that they no longer live there as a married couple. He reminisces about how happy they both were there, says he really really wants to be happy again, and is eager to make a fresh start. Beverly Ann perks up at that easy-to-misinterpret revelation and warmly touches his hand.

​Jo wanders into the room carrying a plate with a muffin on it, and Beverly Ann leaps up and decides she needs to help Jo carry her muffin into the store part of the building. She then babbles at the Facts gals that she's pretty sure Frank wants to get back together. Blair bursts out giggling and asks why he'd want to reunite with the woman he recently dumped - LOL - and Beverly Ann haughtily says that Frank can't just expect to just waltz back into her life after so callous a dumping...and as she's saying this, she's primping in front of a compact mirror, brushing a layer of blush onto her cheeks.

Beverly Ann returns to the living room and tells Frank he should come right out and ask her what he came to ask her - but before he can utter anything, he clutches his chest and tells her to call an ambulance.

Beverly Ann and the Facts gals are nervously sitting in the hospital's waiting room, and Jo looks visibly uncomfortable with all the sights and smells, and soon rushes outside to get some air. An attractive, middle-aged blonde woman ambles over to ask if any of them has change for the pay phone, and Beverly Ann gives her a quarter...then seats herself beside Andy and assures him that Frank will like him and make a fabulous stepfather.

A doctor and nurse wheel a gurney covered with a sheet and leave it standing in the hallway for a few seconds. Jo gets icked out when she assumes it's a dead body - but then is pleasantly surprised when the doctor rips off the sheet and reveals several trays of yummy looking snacks...which I doubt is how food ever gets transported around a hospital. 

Beverly Ann assumes that Frank must have known he was sick and wanted to reunite with her before it was too late. She then vows to get him to exercise more, watch his diet, and spend time at a health spa every now and then. Andy looks visibly bummed at the prospect of the two remarrying, but Beverly Ann assures him that they (along with the Facts gals) are family no matter what. 

The doctor who treated Frank exits the exam room and asks for Mrs. Stickle...and Beverly Ann and the woman she gave a quarter to rush over and anxiously reply, "Yes?" The two women then stare at each other in confusion, and the blonde lady identifies herself as Frank's wife (Noreen) while Beverly Ann's all, "Wha-at is going onnnn?" After the commercial break, the doctor tells both women that Frank is OK after suffering a minor gas attack...and then the current Mrs. Stickle goes into the exam room to look in on her gassy husband.

"Which one of you is married to the guy with stomach gas?"

"Shall we flip a coin?"

The Facts gals rally around a stunned Beverly Ann, and Blair wankingly assures her she's way prettier, nicer and smarter than Noreen. A few seconds later, Noreen exits the exam room to tell Beverly Ann that Frank would like to see her, explains that he has a very sensitive stomach (hence the gas attack), and that, since they're newlyweds, they don't spend much time in the kitchen making home cooked meals.
Mmm hmm... And ew.

Frank sheepishly informs Beverly Ann that he recently got remarried, is surprised that his chest pains turned out to be nothing more than stomach gas, and that he had dropped by her place earlier 'cause he wants her to agree to sell their marital home. He adds that the tenants have made him a good offer - but Beverly Ann makes it clear that she's feeling so vengeful about him marrying someone else that she's going to flatly refuse to sell. 

While canoodling on the couch together, Beverly Ann tells Oliver that Frank always made all the decisions in their marriage, and that this time she wants to be the decider. Oliver asks why in the hell she'd want to torture herself by holding onto that house, then tells her the story of his car Bessie, which he couldn't bring himself to sell after he split with his wife...then later realized that he was needlessly holding onto the past. Eventually he sold it and bought a Pinto (that hopefully didn't explode while he was driving it), and Beverly Ann makes it clear that she didn't much appreciate his story about moving on from a defunct relationship and coldly says they're not relating very well to each other. He shrugs and says he'll let her work through this contrived conundrum on her own and to call him if/when she decides to let common sense prevail. 

Over in the store, Jo is once again gabbling to the rest of the Facts gals about her boundless career options when Beverly Ann enters the room. She apologizes for interrupting the conversation and urges them to continue talking about whatever it was they were talking about, so Jo resumes nattering about how there are sooooo many career possibilities in life for a college graduate such as herself, and that she has lots and lots of choices. Beverly Ann shoots her the stink-eye and says, "Nice try, Jo" and accuses her of pretending to talk about her future when what she's really doing is talking in subtext about the house-selling/not selling situation with herself and Frank. 

"I've said it before, I'll say it again...with my nebulous college degree, there are endless career possibilities."

"Stop obsessing about my unresolved feelings for Frank."

The Facts gals are like, "Nope, Jo really is just trying to figure out her life", and Tootie assures Beverly Ann that they're not doing whatever it is that she thinks they're doing. Beverly Ann challenges her to look her in the eye and tell her that, and Tootie looks her in the eye and says she truly has no earthly idea what in blazes she's accusing them of. Jo adds that they weren't trying to subtly give her any life advice, and Beverly Ann decides that she should probably see Frank in person a third time...and begs Jo to accompany her to the hospital.

Back at the hospital, Beverly Ann tip-toes into Frank's room, while Jo sees a sheet-covered gurney and assumes it's trays of snacks - but when she peeks under the sheet, she's all, "Ack!" when the motionless lump turns out to be a dead body. Womp womp!

As Beverly Ann watches Frank sleep, she mutters that she should have just left him a note, aka the way he dumped her...and reveals that she carries around the 'I'm leaving you' letter that he gave her when he abruptly ended their marriage - which seems alarmingly pathetic - and pulls it out of her purse and reads it aloud. A few seconds later, Noreen enters the room, tells Beverly Ann she's surprised to see her back here, and warmly says they'd probably be friends if they'd met under different circumstances. A few seconds later, Frank wakes up with the two women hovering over him, and Beverly Ann tells him it finally dawned on her that she no longer needs to hold onto the past when she has a lot going for her nowadays: Andy, Oliver, housemothering the grown Facts gals. She then agrees to sell the house...and a relieved Frank starts tapping his fingers along the side of the bed. When Beverly Ann flinches and asks Noreen if that doesn't drive her completely crazy, Noreen just stares back at her obliviously and goes, "What?" ... and Beverly Ann smiles to herself, tells the two to have a nice marriage, and beats a hasty retreat.  

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