The Facts of Life - Season 8, Episode 12

This is what the bottom of the barrel of '80s sitcom writing looks like

"Seven Little Indians"
Original airdate: 1/3/1987

Episode summary: In a lame Twilight Zone parody, Tootie dreams that Beverly Ann is dreaming about Blair committing multiple homicides. 

---

Recap: It's a dark, stormy night - with sinister music tinkling in the background - when Beverly Ann wakes up in her sofa chair. She calls out to the Facts gals...and when there's no answer, she calls George Clooney to tell him that the foursome isn't yet back from the movies, and that she's worried they may have gotten caught in the storm. He agrees to head over to the movie theater to check on them...and after Beverly Ann exits the living room to make herself a cup of cocoa, the camera pans over to a Rod Serling look-a-like to ponder the notion of whether or not Beverly Ann is actually awake, then warns that this episode is about to become a really lame Twilight Zone parody [I truly could have done without having to watch and then recap].

The Facts gals return home and explain to Beverly Ann that it took them longer than expected to drive through the flooded streets. They add that they saw a horror flick about a chainsaw killer, and Tootie says she's still pretty rattled about the heinous acts of the fictional serial killer they just watched commit gruesome atrocities on the big screen. She then declares that she's going to stay awake all night 'cause she's far too frightened to let herself fall asleep.

Later, in the communal bedroom, Tootie keeps the other gals awake by panicking over every little noise. They breezily assure her she's just imagining things - until they hear a loud shriek. A few seconds later, Beverly Ann bursts into the room to stammeringly inform them that Andy is dead...and when they rush downstairs to the store, they see that the imp died from a ridiculously implausible accident. The camera then pans back to the Rod Serling look-a-like, who babbles incoherently about the grisly discovery, and cackles about how much fun it is for him to enunciate Toootie.

"So... it looks like Andy's dead."

"Small loss. We figured his character ran its course soon after his first appearance."

Natalie wonders aloud if perhaps Andy was murdered, while Beverly Ann that decides she should probably call the police - but is prevented from doing so when she realizes that the phone has no dial tone. Natalie deduces that a murdering madman must have gone outside to cut the phone lines after murdering Andy, and gasps when she sees that Beverly Ann is wearing a pair of muddy boots. Beverly Ann explains that she put her muddy boots on 'cause she was planning on driving Andy home - just as Tootie panics over ominous sounding footsteps approaching the store and cries, "We are in trooooouble!" as the Facts gals huddle together. The four breathe a sigh of relief when they realize that the footsteps belong to George Clooney, who's decked out in a raincoat and hat and merely dropped by to see if the Facts gals made it home from the movies OK. They tell him about Andy's demise and that he may have been slain by a murderous madman who could still be lurking inside the house. 

George searches the upstairs rooms, assures everyone that there's no sign of any murderous madman, then offers to alert the police about Andy's demise. After the Facts gals separate, George returns to retrieve his keys, talks to whoever's standing behind the camera, then says he can tell by the ominous music tinkling in the background that he's about to be murdered. He cries, "Nooooooo!" as the scene fades to black. Consider yourself liberated, George.

Later, Beverly Ann brings out a tray a cocoa for the Facts gals, who are waiting for George to return with the police. They're mystified when a bowling ball suddenly rolls out of the closet...and when they investigate, they find a dead George hanging on the inside of the closet door (though it's really just his raincoat and hat that's somehow supposed to simulate his corpse). A few seconds later, a pair of fuzzy dice rolls down the stairs...and when the lights abruptly go out, the unseen killer strangles Natalie with the dice, leaving the rest of the Facts gals to discover her corpse when the lights come back on less than a minute later. Blair offers to go upstairs and get her cell phone so that they can finally summon the police, and Tootie shrieks, "We're all going to die!" while fearfully clutching onto Beverly Ann.

RIP, Nat

"If only this show could be put out of its misery as swiftly as Natalie's abrupt killing."

Beverly Ann points out what's troublingly obvious: the killer must have thrown the fuzzy dice down the stairs, which means that he/she is still upstairs. Where Blair is! The remaining survivors rush up to the communal bedroom to check on their friend, and find her rigidly dead after what appears to be murder by electrocution (as is evidenced by her ginormous hairdo), as she sits grimacing in her makeup chair holding a mirror.

After the Rod Serling look-a-like recaps the nonsense that's occurred so far [in this insanity-riddled excuse of a TV show that should have pulled the plug in Season 4], Beverly Ann points out to Jo and Tootie that since the doors and windows have all been locked all night, the killer has to be one of them. She wonders how the demented foe might strike next - just before she keels over after drinking a poisoned cup of cocoa. Jo and Tootie immediately suspect the other of being the murderer...and when Tootie announces that she's going to head over to the police station on foot, Jo chases after her - but then only to barricade the door after her, which seemed like a weird turnabout. 

Tootie returns to the store - seemingly without having alerted authorities to the multiple homicides that have just occurred in her home - clutching a garbage can lid for protection. She finds a deceased Jo collapsed on the floor with an inflatable frog atop her, and questions whether she herself committed the murders, perhaps as a result of a multiple personality disorder she didn't know she had. Blair suddenly pops up from behind the counter - her hair looking even more ginormous than before and with a demonic look on her face - and reveals to Tootie that she merely wanted everyone to think she was dead so that she could carry out her evil [and fiscally nonsensical] plot to rid the world of anyone who falls under the 50% tax bracket. As she advances on Tootie, Beverly Ann suddenly wakes from the nightmare - just as the Facts gals return from the movies during the thunderstorm. She laughingly tells them she just had a dream that Blair was murdering them one by one 'cause of their lack of wealth...and as everyone chortles over the lame silliness of that kind of fuckwitted sitcom writing, Tootie opens the back door when she hears footsteps and is confronted by a demented killer wearing a pig mask and holding a chainsaw. She promptly wakes up from her nightmare, and rambles incoherently while the Rod Serling look-a-like holds the fuzzy dice and natters about the cleverness of the Facts writers' dream within a dream "plot twist".

​OMFG.

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---