The Facts of Life - Season 8, Episode 11

"It says here that Debbie's Downbeat Summer was too much of a downbeat bummer."

"Write and Wrong"
Original airdate: 12/13/1986

Episode summary: Natalie threatens Andy's grandmother with a lawsuit when she learns that the old lady has plagiarized one of her manuscripts. 

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Recap: George Clooney is helping Beverly Ann move her new piano to various places in the living room - until she finally agrees to position it adjacent to the staircase. She then asks an exhausted looking George to help her bring in some sheet music from the garage, and he looks relieved at the comparative ease of that task.

Blair brings in the mail and tells Natalie she got a response to the submission she made to the magazine Desperate Confessions, and Natalie squeals excitedly and tells Tootie she hopes hopes hopes it's good news. Tootie assures her that it can only be good news - otherwise the envelop would be a whole lot thicker 'cause a rejection response would have contained her returned manuscript. Natalie decides to buy into that logic and excitedly rips open the letter - but is quickly deflated when she learns that her story - titled 'Barbara's Downbeat Summer' - was rejected...and that, as a consolation prize, the editors sent her a copy of the magazine's latest issue. Jo says that perhaps the downbeatness of the title was unappealing to the editors, while Tootie suggests that maybe her writing style isn't what they're looking for. Blair, meanwhile, is flipping through Natalie's complimentary issue of Desperate Confessions and reads a piece written by an author named Desiree and tells her it's just as well her story didn't get published, given what a ridiculously lame publication it appears to be. She then hands the magazine to Tootie, who reads aloud from Desiree's cheeseball story, and Natalie suddenly looks alarmed and blurts out, "That's my story. With the names and places changed!" Blair wonders aloud why anyone would want to rip off something so shittastic - LOL - then urges Natalie to sue the magazine for plagiarism. George Clooney gets in on that action and offers to introduce her to a lawyer friend who might be willing to help out with the lawsuit.

"This cheesy dreck is an insult to intelligent magazine readers everywhere."

"Those bastards stole my cheesy dreck!"

George's lawyer friend Jack compares the published story with Natalie's manuscript and concludes that, yep, it's definitely a clear case of plagiarism. When he asks if anything different or suspicious has happened in her life lately, Natalie says the only major life change is that Beverly Ann moved in and became their new housemother [despite the four of them being fully grown women]. She marches over to Beverly Ann, who's sitting in front of her new piano, and accusingly asks her if she's ever had a desire to publish anything under the pen name Desiree...and an insulted looking Beverly Ann refuses to answer before haughtily high-tailing it out of the room. Natalie then glares in Tootie's direction and remarks on how jealous the other Facts gals are of her literary prowess, and Tootie dryly assures her that they can safely be taken off of her suspect list. 

Blair enters the room and coquettishly says she loooooves the combination of aftershave and a monogrammed briefcase, so George promptly introduces her to Jack, who apparently does legal work whenever he's not busy with his menial job of hanging doors. Blair makes an ew face at being in the same room with a door hanger and makes it clear to George that she's unimpressed with Jack's low earning potential.

Natalie announces that she's definitely moving forward with the lawsuit, and Jack concurs that she has a pretty good case. Jo needlessly weighs in and says that she much prefers the direct approach: find the guilty person and beat a confession out of him/her. Natalie continues to scratch her head in puzzlement about how/where the manuscript could possibly have been stolen, then recalls that she gave it to Andy to make copies. She asks him if he gave her back all of the copies, and he suddenly looks nervous, rambles incoherently, and asks what she means by all. He then insists he knows nothing about any manuscript theft and beats a hasty retreat...and Natalie tells the other Facts gals that she's going to call his parents and rat him out for stealing her work.  

"Did you steal any of the copies of my manuscript?"

"It depends on what you mean by the notion of steal."

Natalie tells Beverly Ann and the other Facts gals that she can't seem to reach Andy's parents, and Beverly Ann says she just remembered that they're currently in Europe and that Andy's been staying with his grandmother. Jo insists that Andy's a good kid, while Tootie questions what they really know about the cheeky imp. Beverly Ann concurs that they don't know a whole lot...but then launches into a story about how Edna stole her award winning apple pie recipe when they were kids, but that she turned out fine. She firmly adds, "And so will Andy", and the Facts gals all seem to agree with that sentiment. 

Andy later drops by with his grandmother, Polly, who says she heard about the manuscript theft and is here to insist that Andy is an honest boy. Jo points out that Natalie got ripped off and gets the distinct impression that Andy knows something 'bout that...and Beverly Ann hastily interjects and suggests that she and Polly talk this out, guardian-to-guardian. Polly agrees, and stupidly mentions that while her name is Polly, she's an aspiring writer who sometimes goes by the pen name Desiree. &^%$!!

In the next scene, Polly admits to reading Natalie's manuscript, and then reworking and renaming it before submitting it to Desperate Confessions and getting a $500 payment out of it. An incensed Natalie informs her she's suing her for plagiarism, and an unfazed Polly tells Andy they're outa here to figure out how to spend her $500 windfall.

George Clooney helps Natalie organize the papers of her manuscript for the impending lawsuit, then heads off and assures her he'll guard them with his life. Natalie declares Polly a plagiarist - but Blair argues that she's just a little old lady who deserves their pity. Beverly Ann points out that people shouldn't get away with crimes just 'cause they're old, while Tootie says it's wrong to sue one's neighbors. Jo urges Natalie to reconsider her lawsuit, given that the defendant is Andy's grandmother - prompting an incredulous Natalie asks if they're all deserting her in her quest for justice. Blair's like, "Well, kinda" and asks what harm Polly really did, and Natalie angrily says that she poured out her emotions into 'Barbara's Downbeat Summer' - only to have Polly steal it, rename some stuff, and sell it as though it were her original work. Blair rethinks her stance on the matter and urges her to sue and squeeze all the money she can out of the old lady, while Jo remains staunchly in favor of letting Polly get away with her brazen act of plagiarism. 

"Are all of you deserting me in my hour of need?"

"It looks that way."

Andy drops by to tell Natalie and Beverly Ann that Polly is willing to sit down together and discuss The Case of the Plagiarized Story, then apologizes for the debacle and explains that he merely showed his grandmother a copy of Natalie's manuscript in an effort to cheer her up about how, like her, Natalie can't seem to get her written work published. Natalie agrees to talk to Polly on the assumption that she's going to admit being a thief and hand over the $500...and Beverly Ann urges her to take her 'tude down a notch and calmly have an open mind about what the old woman has to say. Natalie suddenly realizes that she's not under control and urges Beverly Ann to come along for the sit-down to make sure that she doesn't completely lose her shit.

The two arrive at Polly's house, which is stuffed to the gills with weird knick-knacks and everything her family has ever owned. As Beverly Ann admires the collection of miniatures spread out on the dining table, Polly snappishly tells her not to touch them and explains that she spent a very loooong time organizing them so that they're just so. She then turns her attention to Natalie and says it's unfortunate that this whole "plagiarism" incident occurred, and Natalie agrees and says she's ready to listen. Polly then starts rambling nonsensically, insisting that the story she submitted to Desperate Confessions is really her original writing, and Natalie angrily says that if this is the story she's sticking to, she has no problem suing her. Beverly Ann tries to get Polly to admit that she ripped off Natalie - but Natalie stops her and says she's suddenly horrified by the kind of suspicious and paranoid person she's turned into this episode, and is no longer interested in pursuing a lawsuit. She smugly tells Polly she knows that she's in the right, doesn't feel she has to prove it...and that when she's finally published, she'll have the satisfaction of knowing it's her original work. As she heads for the door, Beverly Ann follows her - but first takes a moment to haphazardly rearrange Polly's carefully arranged miniatures. LOL.

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