The Facts of Life - Season 7, Episode 6

"I knew I shouldn't have let Steven raw-dog it while our divorce was pending."

"A New Life"
Original airdate: 10/26/1985

Episode summary: Blair is stunned when her mother reveals she's pregnant.

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Recap: Blair is trying to read the latest I loooove you letter from Ben (last seen in Season 6's Gone With the Wind, Part 2 episode ...and I was kinda surprised to hear that that's still going on) while Tootie and Natalie try to sneak a peek. Blair says she worries that Ben, who's living in a remote logging town in Alaska, is becoming slightly less lovey-dovey with each of his letters and worries that eventually she'll be downgraded to pen-pal status. A few seconds later, Jo and George Clooney wander in...and when George hears that Blair's beau is living in Alaska, he cackles about how he recently turned down the opportunity to live in the 49th state 'cause of the large female population. He boasts  about needing to get away from the horde of admiring females who'd surely beat down his door, even as Natalie tries to get him to shut up and stop unwittingly torturing Blair.

Mrs. Garrett and her newest friend Fred (aka George Clooney's hardware store owning pa) breeze in and excitedly tell the Facts gals that the two of them just formed Peekskill's newest merchant association. Fred explains that the new mall is taking business away from their stores and that the association is their way of looking out for themselves. When Blair reacts by sighing, Tootie explains that she just received a letter from Ben and is worried about him "playing fast and loose" in Alaska. Jo says she doesn't buy that and looks over the letter for herself, while Mrs. Garrett urges Blair to avoid making any rash decisions. Blair responds by picking up the phone...and as Jo mutters, "This is a bad idea", Blair moans into the receiver, "Mother? I neeeeeeed you."

Monica Warner arrives at the store, gushes about how much she adores the new set, and applauds Blair for coming up with the Over Our Heads idea and designing the whole place herself. When Blair sheepishly looks over at the other Facts gals and says she didn't exactly do everything herself, Jo wryly says that the rest of them contributed by mopping her brow. LOL.

Mrs. Garrett tries to get Fred to "think big" in order to drum up more business for their stores, 'cause it looks like Fred's best idea is to ask customers to guess how many thumbtacks are in a jar in the hopes of winning a power mower. Mrs. Garrett turns around and notices that Monica has arrived, gives her a warm greeting, and introduces her to Fred and George Clooney. Monica says she's getting hungry and suggests she treat everyone to a fancy dinner, and everyone's all, "Hurray!"

Blair shows her mom Ben's letter and tries to get her interested in reading between the lines, but Monica mutters that something big is brewing with her...and by brewing she means she has a bun in her oven. As a stunned Blair's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!", Monica explains that she and her soon-to-be-ex Steven were urged to make every effort to reconcile before formally filing for divorce...so the two decided 'why not hit the sheets without giving a single thought to using birth control?' An aghast Blair stares back at her and asks, "What happens now?" - just as Tootie and Natalie bustle into the room and gabble about how excited they are to go out to an expensive restaurant with someone else picking up the tab.

"I'm with child."

"You're with what now?"

After dinner, Blair tries to get her mom alone for a heart-to-heart about this latest bombshell - but Monica breezily says they'll talk tomorrow and heads back to her hotel. Jo senses something amiss and asks Blair whassup, so Blair just comes right out and says her mom is preggers by her soon-to-be ex. Natalie and Tootie, who are eavesdropping from the second floor, are all, "Wuh?" and race downstairs to get more dish about the startling impregnation. Blair says she has yet to discuss this more fully with her mom, and that she's pretty sure the full impact hasn't hit her yet. 

The next morning, Fred tries to pick Monica's brain for ideas about drumming up more business for his hardware store, and she feigns interest in his life problems and tells him to just advertise more. Mrs. Garrett comes up with the idea of hiring a skywriter, so then she and Fred rush off to go down that stupid rabbit hole together. Blair emerges from her bedroom and tells her mom she's been happily recalling the way she used to pester her for a baby brother or sister so she'd have someone to play hide and seek with. Monica stonily says she's not going through with the pregnancy, and that she pretty much decided this the second she found out about it...and a horrified Blair admonishes her for not thinking this through and storms out of the room.

"I've decided to undergo a procedure that will bring a satisfactory resolution to my current condition."

"Could you be more specific?"

Late that night, Blair confides in Jo about her mom's soon-to-be terminated pregnancy and whines, "Why did she even tell me about it?" Jo's like, "Prolly 'cause she expected you to understand" and reminds her that this is happening to her mom, not to her. Natalie and Tootie turn their night lights on and chime in with their thoughts on abortion (despite the word abortion being conspicuously absent from the script) ... which prompts Blair to wonder if her mom truly wanted her. Jo assures her that her mom probably, most likely, hopefully wanted a child when she got pregnant all those years ago, then says that whatever she decides now, they'll all get past it - but Blair insists that she can't get past it, on account of how deeply appalled she is that her mom could say 'no life for you' to her unborn child.

The next morning, Mrs. Garrett breakfasts with Monica and tells her that she and Fred decided that a skywriter was too expensive, so they've decided to get someone to fly a banner over Peekskill instead. (It remains unclear why they don't look into more sane ideas, like placing a prominent ad in the local paper, Yellow Pages, or do radio spots.) Monica's like, "Yeah, whatever" and asks Mrs. Garrett what she thinks of her, so Mrs. Garrett calls her gracious, charming, and cultured and that she always seems to say the right thing at the right time. Monica tells her that the compliments [she was just fishing for] are very sweet, but she can't help feeling as though she's wasted her life being little more than a vapid shell of a trophy wife for an embarrassingly long parade of rich husbands. Mrs. Garrett half-heartedly wanks her about being a great mom to Blair, but Monica ruefully points out that she (Mrs. Garrett) had a huge role in raising Blair, and apologizes for never properly thanking her for taking on the parental responsibilities that she so dickishly fobbed off by parking her kid at Eastland for so many years. A few seconds later, Fred and George Clooney drop by to celebrate the imminent banner fly-by with a bottle of champagne. 

"I've always enjoyed functioning as a mother figure to whatever kids happen to be living under the same roof as me."

"That makes one of us."

Blair implores her mom to give her fetus a chance, but Monica points out that she's forty-two years old, is worried about the complications that could arise with the pregnancy, and enjoys the freedom she currently has in her life. Blair assures her that she won't have any complications (which seems overly optimistic considering her mom's age), then suggests that the baby be given to her to raise. Monica stares back at her in horror and cries, "Absolutely not!" and rightly points out that doing so would be an even bigger failure than the horrendous way she neglected her existing spawn. That said, Monica acknowledges that when the doctor first informed her she was knocked up, her first emotion was one of pure joy...but the pure joy quickly faded when she thought about her advanced age and pooched marriage. She tells Blair that she couldn't imagine life without her, then stares contemplatively into space for several seconds and remarks on how great it is that there's so much attractive maternity-wear these days. Blair's face lights up, and the two hug - just as the rest of the Facts gang (plus Fred and George Clooney) rush outside to catch the fly-by banner. Blair decides to call Ben so she can coo about how much she misses him, and also share the exciting news about her future sibling.

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