The Facts of Life - Season 7, Episode 5

Mrs. Garrett secretly enjoying being titillated

"Men For All Seasons"
Original airdate: 10/19/1985

Episode summary: Natalie's mimbo boyfriend poses for a beefcake calendar that is deemed too naughty to be sold at the college bookstore.

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Recap: Over Our Heads is bustling with customers interested in buying the latest dollar store crap, along with Langley College paraphernalia. A freshman who's decked out in a Langley sweatshirt and baseball cap is desperate to buy a Langley jacket to complete the ensemble, but Blair informs him that they aren't in stock yet. 

Natalie breezes in after working at whatever factory she was assigned to that day and excitedly announces that she just got her pay check from the temp agency. Tootie clucks disapprovingly and warns Natalie that she's running herself ragged temping in grunt level jobs, working regular shifts at Over Our Heads, and going out with Denny (her dimwitted new boyfriend) every night. Natalie shrugs unconcernedly and says she looooooves being super busy...and a few seconds later, George Clooney drops by to offer the viewers some eye candy and pick up his latest instalment of The Kuwaiti Times.

Denny drops by the store to say hey to Natalie and show her the new beefcake calendar he and the other Langley swim team members are featured in. He tells her that the Langley bookstore refuses to sell them 'cause apparently it's too risqué for the school's image...and Natalie perks up at that and ogles it before passing it around to the other Facts gals. George Clooney, meanwhile, stares over at Denny all judgey-like and asks him how he can expose his body like it's a hunk of beef...and Denny vacantly replies, "I'm saving the whales", mumbles that he loves the fellow mammals, then explains that the proceeds from the calendar sales are going to a nonprofit organization that's dedicated to whales. He asks Natalie if she'd be willing to sell the calendars in Over Our Heads, and she's like, "No problem!" ... and the other Facts gals say they too are on board with that and assume that Mrs. Garrett won't mind peddling a little beefcake.

"I posed near naked for the calendar 'cause of how much I like whales."

"Is he a keeper or what?"

Andy's on the phone, attempting to score a supply of Langley College jackets for the store. Eventually, Mrs. Garrett tires of listening to his side of the ridiculous conversation and grabs the phone out of his hand so she can beg the vendor for a rush on the next shipment...and when she grabs the nearest calendar to look at the quickest shipping date, she's startled by the accompanying photograph of the half naked swim team member. When she's finished with the phone call, she holds up the calendar and asks what in blazes this is, so the Facts gals tell her it's the Langley College Swim Team Calendar, the proceeds of which are going to some Save the Whales charity. A few seconds later, Natalie bursts into the store and shows off the nose plug Denny gave her to wear around her neck - in lieu of a promise ring, I guess - and as the other Facts gals are all, "Ew! Gross!", Mrs. Garrett says it was actually kind of a sweet gesture on the dimwit's part.

George Clooney grumbles that he was just on a date...and when he showed the woman one of the calendars, she quickly lost interest in him and became openly fixated with the half naked men featured in the calendar. Jo chuckles as she asks if his ego was bruised, then points out that men have been objectifying women for years. Natalie says she's positively gleeful about dating a pinup guy whose buff near naked body is on display for all to see - but Blair points out that, muscles aside, a vapid muddle-head like Denny isn't exactly every woman's fantasy. She stares dreamily into space and says she's turned on by quiet men who need to be drawn out - which Natalie replies to by chirping, "Like Denny!" - while Jo says that whatever sexy feelings she has for a guy always starts in the eyes - which Natalie replies to by chirping, "Like Denny!" George muzzles her with his hand and remarks on how utterly fascinating it is to hear women talk so openly about men, specifically what turns them on. 

Denny is signing calendars for a group of smitten young women while Natalie hovers over him and makes certain the admirers know that he's her man.

Kate Andrews, a Langley College board member and old friend of Mrs. Garrett's enters the store and takes Mrs. Garrett up on her invitation to have a coffee in the Cookie Corner. Kate informs her that she mostly dropped by to express her prudish dismay at her decision to sell the beefcake calendar in Over Our Heads, which the board has snootily deemed too indecent to carry in the college bookstore. Mrs. Garrett argues that the calendars seem to have been done in reasonably good taste, then summons Natalie over to ask her if she knew that the college bookstore was refusing to sell them. Natalie stammers nonsensically for a few seconds before fully admitting that, yep, she absolutely did know, then points out that it's fairly irrelevant, given that Over Our Heads isn't formally affiliated with the college. Kate decides she doesn't want any store selling that trash and tells Mrs. Garrett she'd appreciate it if she pulled the calendar...and when a visibly irked Natalie goes, "Or what?", Kate threatens to cut off them off from being an outlet for any type of  Langley merchandise. Natalie insists that they have the right to sell whatever they want and won't let the college board dictate what they can and can't sell, and Kate haughtily reminds them that they won't have much of a shop without being able to sell Langley stuff, then leaves in a bitchy huff. It's interesting that the existence of Over Our Heads suddenly depends on the selling of college paraphernalia when it was marketed in the season premiere as a whimsical shop that was the go-to place for pointless gadgets and inflatable nonsense.

"Did you neglect to mention that the board was too prudish to allow the calendars to be sold on campus?"

"I'm going to go with yes."

Natalie asks Tootie if she and her fella wouldn't mind going on a double-date with her and Denny, then explains that she likes having a buffer between her and her boyfriend now that it's finally dawning on her that he doesn't have the brainpower to hold up his end of any conversation. The freshman from earlier is getting increasingly desperate for a Langley jacket, so a fed up Blair sends him to a non-existent jacket shop down the street just to get him out of her orbit. LOL. Jo tells Natalie that they just sold their last Langley bumper stinker...and says it with an irritated 'are you happy now?' expression. Natalie reminds them that by keeping the calendar on the store's shelves she's defending the First Amendment, but Jo tells her that they're merely trying to keep their crappy little business afloat, and accuses her of denying them the right to veto her right to defend the First Amendment. All this talk of Constitutional Amendments is too much for a visibly overwhelmed Denny, who spacily mutters, "Whoa.." and a dismayed looking Natalie swiftly sends him on his way.

The insane freshman with the jacket obsession returns and calls Blair out on sending him on a wild goose chase. She decides to lie outright and tells him that there are no Langley jackets 'cause the school is changing their official colors to plaid, then hands him an ugly plaid shirt from the nearest rack and implores him to please stay the fuck away from her from now on.

Natalie finds Mrs. Garrett in the storeroom and asks her if they can have a soul-baring one-on-one, and she's all, "Hee! Does the sun rise in the east?" Natalie admits to being a selfish turd when she insisted on selling the risqué calendars without letting everyone know that they were banned from the campus bookstore, and Mrs. Garrett says she couldn't agree more - but then throws her a bone and assures her that Langley needs them to sell their paraphernalia as much as they apparently need to be an unofficial outlet for the stuff. Natalie then makes a second confession: she's dating a mimbo 'cause she looooves the fact that other women are always ogling him. Mrs. Garrett gets a faraway look in her eyes and cackles about how she too once dated a hunk solely because of his hunkiness - but soon realized that she only liked being with with 'cause of how it made people looked at her. And by her she really means her sister 'cause she figured 'why not use my sister's mimbo experience to impart an inessential life lesson to Natalie?'

"I'm only into Denny 'cause of his looks."

"The problem being..?"

A new shipment of Langley stock arrives...and George Clooney flirts with a female customer, and is dismayed when she's far more interested in the swimmers featured in the beefcake calendar. I highly doubt that any of them could be hotter than George friggin' Clooney - even considering his fluffy '80s 'do - but OK. When Denny drops by, Natalie steers him into the storeroom and confesses that she's only been into him for his looks - but can no longer overlook his simpleton-ness. When he just stares at her blankly and then gabbles needlessly about how he's expanding his vocabulary by learning one new word each day, she spells out, "We. Need. To. Stop. Dating." When it finally sinks in that he's getting the dumperoo, he applauds her honesty and gives her a goodbye kiss before shuffling dejectedly out of the storeroom.

Farewell, Dimwit Denny. We hardly knew ye.

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